#im utterly lost
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How to tell you're in love or just burn out from masking
She is the first allistic person I try to get close to in my university, only because she asked me to hang around.
My stomach hurts everytime I get close to her, I'm not sure if they are butterflies or anxiety.
I get lost in words, I'm not sure if it's because her looks take it away or because I'm too nervous to fit in that I end up not even being.
I bite the inside of my cheek, I'm not sure if it's because I'm holding out compliments or trying to contain my stimming.
I keep trying to regain my breath, but no air get to my lungs. I worry love is eternally tiptoeing.
#actually autistic#audhd#itmighthavebeen rants#sapphic#im utterly lost#i stopped bring sad about being neurodivergent but everytime i wonder who she should hang around with#i always get to the conclusion that anyone would be better than me by the simple change of not being autistic#I hide my collar when she gets around#i told her about it yesterday i still dont know how to feel#she keeps being gentle#i worry ill end up tiptoeing away
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continuation of this post !! Donnie never makes it through the movies Leo downloaded (they suck)
#rottmnt#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt leo#leo rottmnt#donnie rottmnt#disaster twins#their vacation starts with a week long camping spree!! wahoo!!#donnie builds the fire and leo builds the vibes#(he is utterly useless)#the colours and fire were referenced off of a piece i found on pinterest i forgot to include that!! so im editing to say it now LMAO#tried something new w donnie but it got lost in the shading so. next piece ill get to show it LMFAO
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LOST: Season One
#lost#abc lost#lost one cap per ep#this was a project i was gonna do anyways but the timing worked out that i could post the first one on the 20th anniversary!#this is one cap per ep every season. from left to right. and this is important: its not a cap that sums up each ep#its a cap that REPRESENTS each ep. the way i choose them varies every episode#sometimes its an utterly iconic moment. sometimes it reps the theme of the ep. or it hits with a theme of the character themselves#sometimes the cap i use won't even involve the character whose centric episode it is. trust me. this makes sense#anyways i'll give a good example: for outlaws i was so tempted to use a shot of the judgemental soulful gaze of the boar#or perhaps sawyer in the rain after he shot that man#but! i used that shot of sawyer's dads legs as sawyer is hiding under the bed. i feel it worthy because this moment. this scene#is literally a core part of sawyer. it's a defining moment of his backstory. of his character. so yeah. makes sense yeah?#anyways some eps had Too Much going on (lord i could make one of these for exodus part 1 alone) and some not enough#or well they DID but like lacked in caps that Hit in the way im thinking. thank heavens charlie shot ethan cuz i was worried about that ep#i was like ''aw shit what am i gonna use'' and then an iconic lost moment happened kjhfdsjkhfd#anyways. there are 25 eps in season one. so im really glad that the last ep contains one of the moment iconic visuals/moments in all of los#oh i should add that these caps are unedited. i did not fuck with the colours or saturation in any way#i found 'em and i pieced them together. this is harder than it sounds. i browsed through all the screencaps of every ep of season one#and i will do so the remaining five seasons#some of these were super easy like i knew what cap i'd be using before i even started (eg. do no harm. the moth. in translation)#but some took some real Thinking. and some eps even had several caps that would have worked. this has all been quite interesting#also yeah. y'all already know damn well what cap i'm using for the very last episode
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TDAU Chapter 13 Spoilers
This is so sad. Alexa play Margaritaville in D Minor
Based off of @squirrelpatties and @hostilemuppet s Twitter Drama Au!
#i love this au i havent gotten to ch13 yet but my partner sent me all the details and i was struck by like idk divine inspiration?#something about being completely and utterly lost in a place as bright as vacay island struck a chord with me its REALLY good#also muppet if ur reading this hi im the partner my partner has been sending you anon asks about :]#tdau#twitter drama au#dreamworks trolls#clay#fanart#my art#digital art#artists on tumblr
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fuckign obsessed with sabigiyu... sabito's tough and snarky and brash when hes around people but then see him with giyuu and hes the biggest fucking puppy... constantly touching and being affectionate whenever he can, harshly stopping/snapping at anyone who tries to badmouth giyuu or even looks at him wrong, always glancing back when hes talking looking for giyuu's attention and recognition- he so freely displays his love and its just so sickeningly sweet to anyone around as witness
giyuu's a youngest child too, you know he'd eat that shit up. he fucking loves how much sabito spoils him- the occasional time sabito tries to be stern or ignores him all he has to do is bat his eyes and raise the corners of his mouth and sabito near immediately caves to whatever he wants. anything to see giyuu's full smile, and giyuu never hesitates with him
they know exactly what the other wants at a given moment, know when to be soft and sweet or when to be rough and wild- quietly sitting together close enough for their thighs to touch and enjoying the warmth of eachother's presence to playfully pushing buttons until the other snaps and gives their full attention to grappling the other to the ground. they'd both stop at the drop of a dime for the other for whatever reason needed, lovingly teasing and calling the other an idiot the whole way out
#loserboy giyuu posting#fratboy sabito posting#sabigiyu#sabito x giyuu#i found Anything You Want(JAWNY ft. dojacat) and i just asfdghgjhykdsfghjkyj sABITO#he fucking loves giyuu sm. theyre both utterly obsessed with eachother but sabito's more outgoing abt it so its#way more obvious to outsiders. anyone who actually knows how giyuu is see how down bad he is- hes a different person when sabito's#way more obvious to outsiders. anyone who actually knows how giyuu is see how down bad he is- hes a completely different person when#sabito's around vs when hes not and everyone thinks they're ridiculous#sabito got in a fight one time bc he called someone pathetic for being scared to openly love their partner#giyuu had to drag him out like a cat carrying an angry kitten. he was staring them down with death in his eyes then as soon as line of#sight broke he looked to giyuu with a proud little smile and giyuu dropped him on his ass for getting into a fight for such a stupid reason#sabito tried to defend his superior opinion but stopped when giyuu kissed the top of his head and started walking off. scrambled to get up#and follow- whatever he was gonna say forgotten and no longer important#ough...#sorry im unwell about them#i like thinking of what they'd be like if they hadnt lost eachother and turned cold in eachother's absence like they did in canon#sabito asshole & giyuu spoiled brat supremacy#also this is ambiguous as to whether its canon-setting or modern its just Them#'youve got the funk- gets me stupid gets me drunk- ill do anything that you want- anything that you want want want'#its just oUGH
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...
#made it back to school last night from my childhood hometown in NC#i feel so strange... i got there on thursday afternoon and came back yesterday but i feel like that weekend lasted a month#i think i am in shock still.. the area i grew up in is so utterly and completely devastated i can hardly comprehend it#not to mention the surrounding states...#and even though we were just trying to survive while i was there and it was so so scary .. it was only temporary for me#i get to go home to my cushy apartment with running water and electricity while some of my closest friends and family are wondering#if they can get enough water#and so many have lost their livelihoods or even their lives#some of them have gotten water and power back but others are still stuck. and i feel like i am still there even though im not.#its like this weird anxious guilty numbness feeling that wont go away and gets worse whenever i turn on lights or see a case of water.#i dont live there anymore but I am so emotionally tied to that area ... and i was there for the storm and saw the aftermath#but its not actually my home so i feel like... i dont know what I feel actually.#but i dont feel good#and then i feel guilty for feeling bad too!! like I dont deserve to be upset or traumatized?? maybe i should go to therapy again...#idk if any of this even makes sense... and i dont mean to be all me me me during all of this. i guess I am just tired and need to vent a bi#anyway please please pray for the people affected by the hurricane. and if you can donate that would be so so wonderful.#it seems like it will be years for the area to fully recover. if it ever even does.#if youve read this far you have my apologies for my word slop... heres a heart for you 🩷 and a caterpillar 🐛 i think i need to go to bed#i have class and rehearsal tomorrow. even though all of that just seems kind of pointless to me right now#but maybe more sleep will help...#my post
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decided to play the heirs of fate dlc this weekend (ive been meaning to for awhile; admittedly my knowledge of it all comes from browsing the wiki, and i really wanted to experience the anankos characterization for myself). this isn't even the part i was excited to get to BUT I AM REELING OVER IT..........FOR REASONS I WILL DISCLOSE IN THE TAGS (from part iv: light's sacrifice)
#during shigure's explanation about why there's gaps in the kids' memories my brain IMMEDIATELY flipped to krad's post about whether --#gunter actually remembers how much he loved his family/is the revenge really for them or is it more so for his own satisfaction --#and like. OH MY GOD. IS IT NOT SO UTTERLY CRUEL THAT PERHAPS THE TRANSITION OF HIS REVENGE BEING FOR THEM ---> BEING SO FOR HIM WAS IN --#FACT BY ANANKOS' DESIGN ALL ALONG RATHER THAN JUST AN UNFORTUNATE SIDE EFFECT OF THE POSSESSION..........#gunter honey you may have been more under his thrall than you realized#this would totally align with how he's only able to tell corrin about his family once he's free from the possession. cuz anankos is no --#longer deliberately stealing his memories to make him more willing to act on his behalf.......ough........#of course i still think gunter purposefully indulged in that power from anankos.......latching onto it as an opportunity to exact his --#revenge without really being aware of all the consequences that would coincidence along with that#and of course this is just a lil tidbit for my own self insert lore but if anankos stealing memories is a thing he purposefully does to --#make his victims more malleable that would explain why he would not remember his time in askr or leigh upon returning to the world of --#revelation :''''') and perhaps it would slowly come back to him post game#teehee. having many thoughts. brain exploding. typical behaviour.#once again fates storytelling is fucking exceptional like is it not brilliant that the degenerating dragon who has lived among his people -#far longer than one likely should. and has been scorn by those ppl he so loved as now their memories of him are only full of fear and --#hatred. ends up stealing people's memories to make them more useful in his plan to destroy the world. much like how his own memories have -#been lost to time. and he is a victim to time just like anybody else. OUGH AAAAA MY HEART MY BRAIN IM SO SAD ABOUT FATES AGAIN.#anyways i still gotta play part 5 of the dlc but im saving that for either tonight or tmrw
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the rumors that theyre going to be separated except while on stage making me lowk nervous ngl they need to say sth NOW
#i never thought id miss liam running his mouth every hour of the day so badly. please we need ur chronically online posting back king#we're lost without u#idgaf about oasis really ive said this so many times if theyre not in it together id rather have nothing seriously#if they worked things out between them and then decided never to do oasis shit again id have been just as happy. idc about the band#it feels totally and utterly empty to have them back on stage performing if its purely business and they dont speak. like its nothing to me#i just wish theyd be ok again. idk sigh maybe that's parasocial of me and maybe im jumping the gun#maybe these are just bullshit rumors but its sounding kinda too real to be all bullshit. im TWEAKINGGGG#challenge be normal about those brother guys failed i guess
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unhinged saitama you'll always be famous
#there are several responses to emotional trauma & guess what. we're DETACHED. absolutely GONE.#he was doing so bad omg.#:( if “god”'s plan was to actually push saitama into becoming something utterly inhuman then he damn near succeeded#things would have gone so bad if it wasn't for genos ??? and his core so carefully held in saitama's hand ???#an emotional lifeline grounding him reminding him of who he is and what he's doing and why he's doing it#anger is easier than pain it's easier than grief & while saitama has definitely been hanging on a thread he still hasn't lost himself in#the horrifying eruption of extreme ( NEGATIVE ) emotion#and that's honestly so important#SAITAMA ( SO QUIETLY ) FIGHTING TOOTH & NAIL TO REMAIN HUMAN !!!!!!!!#im gonna launch myself into the orbit#eye horror /#eye contact /#𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇 ; ooc.#ask to tag /#???
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looking at the clock and going "oh. i didn't. even realize it was past 8pm." and its not funny or cool its just unbelievably concerning
#medusa rambles#kind of venty ig#ive been having. a really shitty two weeks and an even shittier few days#i decided to step down from the student organization i started a year ago#which basically means itll probably fade into oblivion#i lost so many connections i had to this awful fucking college#in the past two weeks#and its like#all i have left tying me there is a degree that i don't really need for what i want to do#and a handful of professors & staff i genuinely value#i have very little support system in general and its just#why am i even staying here#why stay. genuinely why stay#i am such a community based person and like#i have no community there#everyone who im close with there just#are busy and i get it and i understand it but we Don't Talk. they understand my life via scattered updates that they dont really care for#and talking into the void is funny until its. not.#and logically i know that this is just like. pure depression speaking and not actually reflective of whether my friends care for me or not#but it just doesnt matter#and i think its just like. i Need to stop trying#because every attempt at any form of connection#that just fails completely and utterly is so severely damaging#but what do i have if i don't try. what is there otherwise.#i remember a year ago#when i first started college#sitting in my dorm and sobbing every night because i was just so fucking isolated from everyone around me#and its like. nothing has really changed. i am just as isolated as i was then#i think honestly like. maybe i do just need to be hospitalized again#i dont. feel like i did when i was 16 but i know that This is not sustainable and not good and like. sitting and going
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At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in
i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment
#infinite wealth spoilers#snap chats#what reaaaaally hammered it in too if it wasnt obvious already was the execution of the jimas/daigo like that still irks me LMAO#i cant even remember what chapter that happened in i just know when it did i was utterly pissed#i think i started to take things less seriously once bryce entered the picture but thats only because of how distracting his VA was#like much love the JP voice actors who try to speak english and japanese but i just cant act like it's not incredibly distracting#esp when the character is supposed to be white yk what i mean- or at the very least their first language is supposed to be english#typically i can look over that thing if its a one or two time kind of deal but he had to speak in english much longer than others#im just rambling about bryce tho this aint bout him. i mean he could be a part of it the cult was executed really sloppily#it might have been the introduction of bryce actually ... i remember thinking to myself 'oh brother' with the whole messiah thing LMAO#maybe it was when kiryu told us his cancer cam from radiation instead of. smoking 💀 ESPECIALLY not even five chapters in#like straight out the gate you just wanna drop that on us mr I Can Do Everything Myself I Cant Worry Others ok#thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE#POINT IS this is not about Retrospect this is about First Impressions and memory warps over time#but i know for a fact i found the bleach japan thing utterly ridiculous and was squinting at the plot the entire time thereafter#like ive said this a million times at this point but although i love IW for it's gameplay (pardon some nitpicks like lack of shortcuts)#its story really feels so messy and had much to be desired. which is so sad after the wonderful stories rgg has been making since 0..#BUT OH WELL im still excited to replay it in english. god willing i ever get the time#i still wanna finish lost judgment <- isnt even halfway through the game#and i wanna do a fun stream Maybe with YK2 but ill get into that when i get into that#if youve read this far. thanks LOL id say sorry for the novel but thats what we expect of me at this point
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Had a short cry as usual
#🗯 》 random#vent tag#<- not rlly because it's like. post-cry#once again just. feeling lonely. and deadbeat#ig im reeling from the awkward thing that happened this morning at bfast when mom and uncle lost temper#and i just finished reading an IF that was really good but somehow touched on the lonely + abandoned feeling#and once again. the typical solution to fixing loneliness is actually talking to people and reaching out#but damn. it's hard#glaring communication issues while also feeling utterly ignored...#also feeling like ass for being a sad bundle of problems#why did i even reach this age. i just feel ashamed for derailing so bad#and not getting even a smidge of card from irl family who're also ripping into itself is not helping#fuck . alright. i'll stop rambling noe
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Punz painted something on stream im literally so proud <3
#he is in fact still doing his subathon#were gonna be 12 days into it in a couple hours#mans somehow not lost his mind because of us yet lol#anyway im rlly glad i got to be there for the painting thing#he followed a bob ross turtorial and then kinda did his own thing#we gave him a lot of advice#most of which he utterly failed to listen to lol#it turned out pretty good tho#watching the streamer i usually make art of make art himself was kinda adorable ngl#also yes ik this isnt dsmp related#if you dont like him#just ignore#im not above defending this man in the comments#punz#punzathon#punz appreciation post
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puppets bunker and ddos attacks have never been so much fun
#me holding my alliance like a squeaky toy and only getting one commend for it#I held you together. I raised u. I saved u and this is the thanks I get#but no I fuck around and find out for funsies and it’s like. six commends#anyway I was telling my friend like. I don’t have to think—#okay both healers die in alliance C and I rez one#I look back at my own alliance and half of everyone is dead. co-healer included#and then a bunch of them die again on the same mech#we almost die to the flyers not being killed bc the other alliances are dying#we get to the alliance split and our tank has an issue come up so he has to afk#so I’m keeping this ninja alive on a prayer#then half of the alliance dies again bc they went the wrong way w the arrow chaser aoes#that happened twice. there was a 30 percent boss health percentage difference going on#the icing on the cake tho was after the phase change in the final boss—boom ddos attack#so many people disconnecting. so many dying#alliance B lost everyone but the dps#it was carnage and I’m sitting here like. trying to keep everyone alive#tho like. Im not mad or upset about it tbh#it’s the sort of healer chaos where you’re sitting there juggling a bunch of stuff#that scratches the peanut of my brain#it’s much better chaos compared to CT raid chaos#mostly bc shield healers are the most fun at those levels compared to regen. to me at the very least#I have more resources at 80 w whm compared to 50 when shit hits the fan#but also pressing more than two buttons is more fun#CT just becomes utterly unbearable when you have people causing problems on purpose#when it is not an agreed upon clown time#ppl always talk about how bosses in nier have too much health when im like#im glad for it bc i like seeing mechanics#I love myths of the realm but when the final boss of the first raid can be killed before the most interesting mechanic is kinda#it’s kinda dogshit#owen talks
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book I’m reading: a lot of people experiencing mental health crises turn to libraries which are unable or unwilling to meet their needs
me: alright yeah
book: this is because we got rid of the asylums. open the asylums
me: um
#she doesn’t directly call it that but I shit u not that is the message. will rb with the pages later & make it unrebloggable lol#I was really excited about this book and I’ll finish it bc I’m still interested to hear what other arguments I could maybe build on#but im ngl shes kind of lost me 😭#this genre of ‘prison bad inpatient good’ is so common and it’s utterly useless. if youre an abolitionist you have to commit to abolition#of incarceration & institutionalization in all forms#notably we did not in fact get rid of the asylums. she was just talking about the defunding of federal mental institutions in the us
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hmm i think i am not coping. very well
#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore#i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care#and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that#july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing#i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before#but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it#nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i#truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have#ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting#i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e#even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining#i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds#despite knowing a community of some kind would help#but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not#i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either#i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place#ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you#cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that#it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore#not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted#idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming#dlt ltr
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