#im trying to talk to someone and become friends and idk where anything is going should i die

[pillsopa]

talking online sounds awesome in concept but in practice I fucking suck at it. i’m robbed of my usual theatrics and mannerisms. an aimless jester

[drdemonprince]

do you have any advice on navigating a friendship with a former abuser? they are pretty open about their past when asked although not incredibly initially forthcoming about it, which I think is understandable if maybe not the most,, idk,, straightforward I guess. But I do truly believe they’ve mended their ways and try really hard to do right by themselves and other people, but they’ve garnered a lot of vitriol from their former community (and with reason!!) but that community tries to, rightfully, make sure everyone knows about this person’s past, and I have a lot of guilt around being friends with them even though I do believe that they’re different now, I wouldn’t be friends with them if I didn’t believe that. Anyways, I guess im curious if you have any advice or experience with how to navigate any kind of relationship with someone who has done a lot of prior harm, while also trying to honor and respect the people who they have harmed?

I think that people in that situation are in really desperate need of community, most of the time. It is very difficult to work on yourself when pressure to excise you from every social group follows you everywhere you go, and the stories of what you've done have morphed into an entity that exists entirely outside of you, your victims, or anyone who was actually privy to the abuse that you committed.

It's very reasonable for people affected by the abuse & their allies to want nothing to do with such a person, of course. But there sometimes becomes a broader community norm of penalizing anyone who associates with the abusive person in any way whatsoever, and when you're already struggling with entitlement, boundary issues, loneliness, impulsivity, and self-hatred, as so many abusers do, it's hard not to spiral out further from being rendered that radioactive.

I think by being friends with this person you're doing something important. It is far easier for people to grow when they have social incentives to do so and emotional support. In the care of other people, we see our worth reflected. We learn more about who we are and who we *can* be through the interplay of ours' and others' various selves.

I think the best thing that you can do is to offer a space to this person in your life, if you continue wanting to, and building small spaces for them to find connection with people who are okay with that and feel comfortable doing so. Bring the person along with you into new spaces where they can help people and receive help in turn, without constantly being defined by their most horrible actions. Bring this person along with you to somewhere they've never been, with people who have no issue with them -- do a shift together at the local mutual kitchen or community garden, for instance, or a book club, or include them in a cultural practice that you participate in, and share that with them. Do jail support together, or mail books to prisoners. Take both of you outside of your everyday social context and allow them to exist in a new way, in new relations to others -- including people who, like them, have experienced social ostracism and struggle.

While you're doing that, observe them and see how they're doing. Talk with them afterward about how they feel, and anything they're finding difficult. I will trust your judgement here that the person seems fundamentally changed. Just being there and involved in activities alongside them will help you be on the lookout for any red flags, and I do think there is a degree of responsibility on your part to ensure you're not putting anyone else in danger by being around them, but you can do this in a light, nonjudgmental way, and let them grow into that trust that you're offering.

I have witnessed firsthand how healing it is for people like your friend to slowly realize that suddenly there are people that like them, now, and open up to them, when everybody shied away from them or hated them before. I do think that if someone is committed to no longer being abusive or boundary violating around others, they eventually do need to feel that they are accepted by some community, and seen as on par with anybody else. They can't be treated as lesser or more suspect for their entire lives in every social context. The communities they've already harmed shouldn't have to provide them with that acceptance and room to grow. But I think somebody should.

As always, keep an eye on your own feelings and make sure that this isn't too exhausting for you. By keeping the formerly abusive person separate from the groups they've harmed, you should be able to minimize the blowback you get for spending time with them. Not all of our friends need to be friends with one another, and not every social group in our lives has to make contact. It's okay to include your friend in a running group with a few other people you met volunteering but then keep their name off the guest list for your birthday party because associates of their victims will be there. If your friend is truly contrite over their actions, they will understand and respect that some people will never want to be around them -- and most reasonable community members should understand that who you associate with independently of them is not their business.

There may be some people who take a really hard line stance and expect everyone to ostracize the former abuser no matter what, and so you might be criticized or lose friendships with such people. But so long as you are helping to give the former abuser some social connection that is separate from anybody they've hurt, and you're not pressuring anyone to be around them or doing any apologism for them (which it sounds like you have no interest in doing), then you are not doing a thing wrong, and I think it's beautiful to give someone that space in your life. Navigating this stuff with grace, respect, and compassion is a skill that a lot more of us will eventually have to develop than we realize, I think. Life is long, and over the course of it, people change a great deal and do a great many things they regret. We need to be able to move through these things together somehow.

[futurecorps3]

Hiii, could you write a nikokai fic where reader is like in love with kaz but he doesn't really pay attention to her. And then the crows meet sturmhond because of a heist and he takes interest in the reader form the first moment he sae her and makes her fall in love with him. And then whatever you want lol. Maybe kaz being jealous idk.

Sorry for any grammatical mistake, english it's not my first language.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞

Masterlist<3

Summary: After years of being in love with the one and only Kaz Brekker, breaking her own heart, Y/N meets someone else... Pairing: Sturmhond x fem!inferni!reader, Kaz Brekker x fem!reader

Warnings: The usual crow violence, DRINKING, jealous Kaz, mean Kaz, "unrequited" love for a little while, Matthias is alive and well like in the books duh but this is ofc before Nikolai becomes king, idc I just want my Fjerdan hunk happy in Ketterdam, curse words, kind of a messy timeline. HURT AND NO COMFORT. Lmk if I missed any.

Word Count: 2.9K!! Requested: Yes

A/N: IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! :( I've been looking forward to getting to this specific request because oh my god, also, I changed it up a little; making Kaz actually be in love with reader but never really trying anything. Tysm for requesting love! Hope you enjoy :)

˚ · • . °

Exhaustion. That's what she felt, and to be honest, it was even more frustrating when Y/N knew she was doing it to herself. Those persistent yet futile attempts at reading Kaz's silence or gaze as something else; a love message, a confession of his sins, any sign of vulnerability reserved for her. However, these attempts, though fervent, ultimately proved fruitless.

How could she confirm what she thought she saw if, after, say, he appeared distressed at her being in danger or fumed when some dick was being extra disgusting at the bar that night; he went back to being his usual cold self?

When she finally obtained concrete evidence that disproved her misconceptions ("Jesper, she prefers black coffee" or "Y/N, could you join me in my office for a moment?" simply to spend time together in quietude), he strategically distanced himself throughout the week, transforming those precious moments of tranquility and companionship into ordinary occurrences, leading her to, somehow, misunderstand them.

Another shot of vodka and the pain her thoughts evoked was replaced by the burning, bitter sensation in her tongue and throat. "A hangover won't make Kaz let you stay behind tomorrow, you know that?" Matthias smiled next to her.

Since he joined the crows, the Fjerdan had taken a special liking to his girlfriend's best friend; she was funny, kind hearted and could keep up his pace in drinking games. Nina couldn't be happier to see her loves get along so well, saying it's her dream come true. "Oh don't even start, Matthias" Y/N answered, feigning annoyance as she poured more of the burning liquid into her glass and pulled out another for her friend.

They silently toasted to nothing in particular and chatted about their books as they usually did. Matthias' romance novel had an interesting love triangle Y/N was eager to read when he was finished. From how he talked about it, the girl knew it was just her type of story. They were in the middle of a playful argument about a plot-hole Y/N thought she found when Kaz approached them.

His usual demeanor seemed a bit... shaken. If you asked the blonde, he'd say he only looked more agitated, but Y/N/N knew better; his hair was covering his forehead slightly, but he wasn't brushing it back. The limp was prominent still, yet he wasn't using his cane. Kaz was in a rush to get to her, maybe?.

"One of your fellow countrymen is starting a turmoil outside, doesn't speak Kerch. Will you please, for the tree's sake, go and talk some sense into his thick blonde skull?" Saints, why did she like him so much? Even like that, Y/N thought he looked rather divine. Matthias stood up from his seat and directed himself to the entrance.

"Since when do you care for what happens outside that door?" She asked with a grin, genuinely curious. "I wouldn't if he wasn't scaring off the pigeons. No wealthy tourist will endure the trouble that some drunk Fjerdan means just to get inside a place full of people that'll take his money" the boy explained, looking down at her.

Kaz's complexion, kissed by the soft glow of the candles, is pale yet flawless, as if untouched by the harshness of the world he inhabits. His sharp, well-defined features give him an air of enigmatic sophistication, further heightened by the way the light dances upon his cheekbones, emphasizing their elegant structure.

Y/N realizes she's staring. She looks away.

The bastard smirks. "Finding something intriguing, are we?" And oh, she wanted to stab him to see if that would wipe the stupid grin he carried. "Oh, please, Kaz. You give yourself too much credit. I was merely lost in thought, contemplating the mysteries of the world. Your face happened to be in the line of sight, that's all."

Quick, sarcastic answer, as if the seconds between her silence confirmed even further what he was saying. He scoffed, drinking the remains of alcohol on Matthias' glass and fixed his hair in the process. "Stop drinking, a hangover won't spare you from our meeting tomorrow".

˚ · • . °

She should've listened. The crashing waves outside only intensified the discomfort, while the salty breeze seemed to carry a tinge of regret. Even the beauty of the sea she was now too used to felt distant and inaccessible, overshadowed by the haze of her post-indulgence remorse.

Nina, taunting Matthias with a mature Ravkan song and Jesper shooting bottles in the warehouse, created an uneasy atmosphere for hungover Y/N. This unsettling environment made it difficult for her to focus on evaluating any potential deals they were to discuss with the privateer Kaz said they were meeting that day. Also, they had been waiting for over an fifteen minutes now! She was surprised Kaz was waiting still.

He checked his pocket watch subtly, sighing at the tardiness of their Ravkan guests. Then, he looked over at Y/N. Even with those deep baggy eyes and with her head on her hands in exasperation, she managed to awaken that odd feeling in his chest. He hated it. No, he despised it.

If he ever accepted that he was down hard for the girl, he could also get over the fact that she, too, liked him. Well, he wasn't dumb! There was no denying that Y/N's actions warmed his heart. He just knew loving was a dangerous thing to do, a weakness he couldn't afford after spending years building a reputation in Ketterdam.

Then came a loud bang on the heave wooden doors of the warehouse. "Fucking finally" Y/N sighed, going to open the door herself before anyone would, wanting nothing but to end this as soon as possible so she could go back home to sleep. She grabbed the handle and pulled, the bright light outside blinding her momentarily before seeing the privateer and his crew.

"Hello gorgeous! Here to see Mr. Brekker. I'm guessing you're one of his associates?" A sharp, slightly deep voice greeted. The girl shielded her eyes from the light and found captain smily offering his hand out. In Ketterdam, rumours ran as quick as blood on pavement; Sturmhond knew that. He needed no introduction. Every person involved in not so legal activities who didn't live under a rock had heard at least once about the dog of the sea.

She took it, shaking gently. "Y/N Y/L/N, but if you prefer nicknames, call me Haepha". Then she stepped aside, pretending not to notice the smirk on Sturmhond's face so his partners could come in. The rumors hadn't done justice to his captivating presence.

The charismatic privateer stood tall, his dark hair falling in unruly waves that added to his allure. His piercing blue eyes seemed to hold a world of secrets, and a mischievous smile played across his lips. Dressed in opulent garments that exuded confidence and flair, Sturmhond commanded attention with every step as his crew and he approached the rest of the crows.

"I'll stick to your name for now doll, too pretty not to use," And the bastard winked at Y/N, making a Shu girl who was walking behind him with the same confidence giggle. The worst thing about pretty men is they know they're pretty, and knew damn well how to get away with being cocky. She knew his type, so she brushed the wink off and walked towards her friends.

Kaz and Sturmhond shook hands. Everyone who was fast enough grabbed a seat in old boxes or even on the floor. Jesper offered Y/N his seat, knowing that the vodka she drank last night was no merciful rival, and stood behind her alongside his boyfriend. Inej lingered sitting in a window near them as Matthias and Nina remained standing, contrary to all the privateers' team.

Kaz started making introductions, all a mere formality, Y/N knew. "You've met Y/N, our inferni. Behind him are Jesper, sharp-shooter, and Wylan, our demo-man. The blonde wall-resembling man over there is Matthias, and Nina is a heartrender. Inej in the window, our Wraith" he pointed, everyone nodding or waving at the dark-haired man.

"A Wraith alright, didn't notice you were there sweetheart!" He pointed out and then introduced the twins; Tolya and Tamar. As well as Anya and Andrei, who were two members of his ship's company who wanted to come by and see who they were working with. When that was taken care of, plans were strategized by both leaders and positions were given to each member.

Y/N knew Kaz was characterized by having plans from A to Z for very elaborate heists, but even this one seemed out of his reach, almost too ambitious. But if Sturmhond's name lived up to the myth, nothing was quite impossible for him and Kaz's love for money could get him to plot even the tiniest detail.

Their objective this time was to steal some kind of jewel called "the moon's tears". It was a gem said to be worth four million kruge, to be bargained for even more; the crows' biggest heist yet. The vault it was in was widely known for its impenetrable security measures, including seemingly impenetrable barriers, intricate lock mechanisms, and a team of highly skilled guards.

Those two were absolutely insane! Even before one considered the noble who owned the vault and therefore the gem they were trying to steal, knew Kaz from the past. It was an extremely peculiar coincidence that a masquerade ball was taking place some distance away from the location of the vault, which represented the perfect opportunity for the work.

This would allow them to exploit the lack of security and sweep the gem away. Nina would ideally take care of the distraction, to keep the nobleman from returning home too quick, but her heartrending abilities would be helpful to make a quick work to make the few officers guarding the vault doze off.

So it became Y/N's job. A job she was to complete with Sturmhond.

After the meeting ended and Y/N's headache had worsened, a deep voice was heard from behind her. She turned to find the charming privateer flashing a smile at her. "Looking forward to working with you, darling" He commented, offering his hand out and all. She took it and shook half-heartedly, eager to just go home and sleep for the rest of the evening.

"Me too, handsome" Irony laced in her tone. "Doesn't seem like it, you alright? You look like a ghost. Lovely, yes, but still ghostly" The comment made her smile, tightening the grasp on his hand but not shaking anymore "Just hungover s'all" "Told you so!" Jesper proclaimed from their side as everyone directed themselves to the door.

The privateer smiled sweetly. "Got any plans this evening?" "Other than rotting in my room until my body stops hurting? Not really. Why?" Y/N looked down briefly, realizing she still hadn't let go of his hand and then released her grasp "Well, if my days at sea have thought me anything other than how to read the stars..." he started, tapping the necklace with a star charm the girl sported.

A "gift" from Kaz (some jewelry that wasn't redeemed from a heist he let her keep). "...is how to cure a hangover. Mind coming with me to a bar? You can decide which". Going to a bar with a complete stranger who had a reputation of being in trouble most of the time and who she were to work with? Sure thing.

"Promise youll make it go away?" "Promise".

˚ · • . °

And what a plot twist he was. Jesper had jokingly said to the girl that she shouldn't take a privateer's word but he did termiante her hangover with some strange, black-ish liquid she didn't dare to ask the composition of. Then they drank more.

As the drinks arrived, they raised their glasses, the clink of crystal breaking the spell of their silent connection. Sturmhond smiled, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "To new adventures and unexpected encounters," he proposed, his voice smooth and velvety.

Y/N couldn't help but return the smile, feeling the warmth of excitement spread through her veins. "To embracing the unknown," she replied, raising her glass in agreement. They took a sip, the flavors dancing on their tongues. A comfortable silence settled between them, allowing the sounds of the bar to envelop them. After a moment, Sturmhond leaned in, his voice low and captivating.

"So, Y/N, what brings you to this lawless corner of the world?". He asked, genuine curiosity lacing his words. Y/N's eyes sparkled as she recounted her journey, the challenges she faced, and the dreams that fueled her determination. Sturmhond listened intently, his attention unwavering, as if she held the secrets of a hidden treasure.

As she spoke, Y/N couldn't help but notice the genuine interest in Sturmhond's eyes. He asked thoughtful questions and shared stories of his own adventures, effortlessly weaving tales of daring escapades that left Y/N hanging on his every word.

The conversation flowed effortlessly, a seamless exchange of ideas, dreams, and aspirations. Time seemed to melt away as they delved into deeper discussions, finding solace in the connection they were building. Laughter intertwined with their words, a symphony of shared amusement and understanding.

They became lost in each other's company, entranced by the way their thoughts aligned and their hearts danced to the same rhythm. And as the night wore on, their conversation continued, their new found connection growing stronger with every passing moment.

She couldn't help but think of Kaz, when exiting the bar, and on the way back to The Slat. When would he ever, in a million years, make her feel so seen? How could he? He seemed to be nothing but cold and a bad type of confusing to the girl.

Y/N was not blind, either. Sturmhond was known for his endless romantic encounters with women across the sea, and he was interested in her. Now, she could not deny the guy was a charming boy too pretty for this Earth, sharp as a knife and, as she found out that evening, shared a lot of ideals and interests with her.

Could he maybe work as a rebound? Maybe. Would she shamelessly use him as that? Could be. Having his eyes on her that whole meeting was no coincidence, and she liked his attention. Maybe what mends a broken heart was a handsome privateer.

They agreed to meet up the next day, his treat.

˚ · • . °

Back at the Slat, Kaz was fuming. No, not fuming; seething. A bar outing? She just met him! He could not believe his eyes when they were talking hand in hand like they had known each other from a previous lifetime.

In the little time that had passed since (most of) the crows had returned from the meeting, Kaz had already gotten four drunks kicked out, death-stared a group of dregs twice so they'd shorten their break time to get them to work and downed four vodka shots.

Why was he this mad? She wasn't even his and as far as she knew; he had no intentions of being hers either. The boy couldn't be mad at her, but he was, and Kaz knew very well he was being a big selfish shit. He could not blame Y/N either; the bastard she had been crushing on gives no signs of interest but a privateer handsome as the devil shows up with his attention completely focused on her? Of course she'd fall.

He just hated that feeling.

It's presence looms, heavy and suffocating, wrapping its tendrils around the heart, constricting with an iron grip. It whispers sweet poison into the mind, distorting reality and fueling irrational fears. Like a tempestuous storm, it rages within, lightning crackling with envy, thunder rumbling with resentment. It paints the world in hues of green, tarnishing every joyous moment with a bitter aftertaste.

And then his heart sunk into the depths of his dark soul when he saw them walk in hand in hand. That was the first time Y/N had walked into a room and not looked for him, he noticed. She was laughing at something Sturmhond had said as they walked up the stairs until they reached the door of Y/N's room. He kissed her hand and she kissed his cheek.

The privateer then walked down the stairs, noticing Kaz staring.

"She's one of a kind, that one... Might stay a bit more after the job's done. See you tomorrow, Brekker"

The feeling was now leaving an empty, bottomless void in his soul. He bottomed his shot glass then poured another one.

˚ · • . °

Time kept ticking and the void intensified, but Kaz learnt how to deal with it.

He learnt how to deal with it when he kissed her after the job was done.

He learnt how to deal with it when Y/N took a break from the crows to leave with him for six months.

He learnt how to deal with it when she returned from her trip, beautiful tan skin and a diamond on her finger.

He learnt how to deal with it when he saw her crying herself to sleep because she missed him.

He learnt how to deal with it when she left for good.

He learnt how to deal with it when she was named queen of Ravka.

Kaz just learnt how to live with the shame and regret of not recognizing that the one thing he needed was right in front of him, hoping she'd have a place next to him.

˚ · • . ° .

Hi! Thank you so much for reading, hope you enjoyed:) I'm actually sorry for this one...

Remember, the best way to support writer’s works on here is by REBLOGGING WITH TAGS. I’d very much appreciate it if you did!

Thanks again, stranger. Hope you have a nice day<3

NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO REPOST AS THEIR OWN/TRANSLATE/OR COPY MY WORK IN ANY PLATFORM OR SPACE WITHOUT MY EXPLICIT CONSENT.

[ryescapades]

college crush | itoshi rin

— headcanons/scenarios with rin as your college crush turn bf :)

character: itoshi rin (blue lock) x gn!reader

genre/warning: fluff + slight angst

a/n: tq nami for suggesting this mmm im brainrotting alright 😩 some other bllk boys make an appearance as well hehe andd im trying out a new format so pls bear w me idk what im doing idek if this is even good or not lmfao

meeting rin for the first time when you get paired up with him for an assignment; unwillingly at that bcs rin would never expand his social circle outside of the soccer team. such a lukewarm thing to do, or so he said idk lol

imagine like you’d already planned to partner up with your friend and then someone else (spoiler: it’s bachira) butts in, saying he’s gonna be pairing up with your friend instead.

and you end up with rin ☺️ who’s got the iciest gaze ever when he’s walking up to you, making you visibly shrink in your seat jwjdhskkd

bachira would be like “don’t worry, rin chan is not even that bad!!” boi you haven’t started doing anything yet and mans already glaring daggers at you for no apparent reason 😭

ok imagine IMAGINE rin and you working on your assignment in the library hehehehe the hushed whispers, the way his hand brushes against yours from time to time when he’s teaching you things or vice versa, some light banters here and there bcs rin just had to disagree with you most of the time, saying stuff like your ideas are dumb like bro stfu ik i aint a smartass like u 🙄

i can certainly see him as the type who helps you get books from the higher shelves without you asking him to bcs he just knows.

let’s say you’re there scouring your eyes at the shelves, thinking which kind of book fits your understanding better. and then rin would come up behind you, his steps light, chest pressing against your back as his arm reaches for a book. there’s a small empty space on the lower shelf in front of you, and he silently puts the printed work there.

“that’s a good one,” he’d mutter before walking back to the table, not even realizing how red you’ve become from the close proximity, his deep, silky voice and the warmth he emits.

KWGSHSJSKD no i’m definitely not blushing while typing that 🚶‍♀️

imagine doing your work together and then something came up so he had to go. when you ask him what’s up he’d just answer “i got practice.” like bro ?? 💀💀

anyways out of context but if youre blocking his way without noticing rin would undoubtedly say something like “oi. you’re in the way, dumbass.” while looking down at you like the first pic here wkkwkwk

further into your friendship (you could say that i guess), rin can either become more of a menace where he insults you even worse or he’s just a little kinder towards you. no in between.

rin on the inside: ig you’re my friend now or whatever 🙄

he’s so silly i cant

for sure he gets into fights w shidou a lot. at this point the whole college doesn’t even care anymore bcs it has become almost a weekly occurrence for them to fight. the other boys; isagi, chigiri, karasu, etc theyre the ones who have to hold them two back all the time while eita just watches hahahhajwhdd

eita: 🍿🤏😲

accompanying rin at the nurse’s office while he gets his injuries treated <3

rin is definitely the type who radiates passive dominance unconsciously. what i mean is like if you’re the type who’s insecure with yourself abt whatever (pls don’t be insecure you’re beautiful 🧎‍♀️), rin would encourage you in one way or another, without him realizing it too

for example you’re insecure with your voice so you tend to not repeat yourself when talking, or cover your mouth to stifle your laughter, speak in a low volume or just barely talking in general, rin would be like “use your words, y/n.” stuff like that with a frown on his face like yes sir i Am talking.

he’s so seggsy and for what ?:!;/&;£(

also the type who’d ghost his hand on your hips when he wants to walk pass you if the hallway’s a little too crowded or smt JWHSGDHF

watching and waiting for him as he practices soccer with ze bois™️ bcs the two of you planned to study together later 😣 (jk it was actually isagi who planned a study group with everyone but let’s be real here)

rin would lift up his shirt to wipe off his sweat,, unknowingly showcasing his toned abdomen for your eyes to ogle on the world to see and he doesn’t even care if people stare lol that’s just how unbothered he is 🤷‍♀️

smells so freaking good and has the best wardrobe ever send tweet ‼️

now let’s get to the more romantic part *cracks knuckles

obviously the one who confesses is you LMFAO coz like this is itoshi mf rin we’re talking about

he never acts on his feelings because mans in denial THE WHOLE 👏 TIME 👏👏 to hell with butterflies in the stomach or sparks erupting between the two of you. rin is always in denial with his feelings.

he thinks those quote unquote lukewarm feelings are there just because he deems you useful in his life and your presence is tolerable unlike others but jokes on you boy !! you’re in love 🗣🗣

confessing to rin would feel like you’re walking on eggshells bcs the chances of you losing this fragile thing between you and him is very high ykyk so you had to make it kinda nonchalant in a way

you’re telling him that you like him and all, that he doesn’t need to say anything or reciprocate your feelings bcs you’re just letting him know and you wanted to let it off your chest bla bla

at first rin would malfunction. he doesn’t know what to do or say. sure he gets confessions from people left and right almost every single day but this is you.

nonetheless, the bad side of him would win. the bad side that refuses to see the benefits of some things, that it doesn’t want to acknowledge the desire and soft spot he has grown for you. the side that rejects the idea of dating someone. and so he ends up completely turning you down :(

you’re sad of course but you can’t really do anything about it, understandably so because you know how rin is so you opted to just go about your day normally after, albeit trying to steer clear of him so that you could move on.

somehow words got out to your circle of friends and the other boys were dejected that rin rejected you *cries bcs they’re so precious* (karasu and eita lowkey bet on you two as well lmfao)

however it wouldn’t take long for rin to notice that you’re purposely avoiding spending less time with him. he’d more or less figure out why and think that’s for the best.

and yet soon enough rin would take the brunt of your absence. he’d unconsciously start wondering abt you a lot to the point he gets called out by someone during practice bcs he was distracted, pondering your whereabouts whenever he’s in the library, sharp eyes zeroing on you like a hawk when he catches sight of you anywhere, longing for you to be with him. basically you’re in his mind 25/8, living there rent free 🛌

by then it’d finally register in his head how important you are to him and how bad he wants you to be in his life.

expect to see rin at your front door one day, awkwardly and stiffly pouring everything that has been on his mind (cough cough you) <3

omg post dating (is it post dating or post talking stage lol idk) rin >>>>> moreover when your relationship is now established 😩

ACT OF SERVICE ALL THE WAY BABEYYYYY

as we all know rin is not good with words so he does things for you a lot; buys lunch for you if you’re too busy studying, take notes for you for the lectures that you miss bcs you’re sick, wordlessly takes your bag to carry it eventho you refused but one glare from rin shut u up real quick hahahwjdj, etc etc

could also be a hindrance to your relationship tho bcs the two of you might struggle a bit with communication, some fights are bound to happen so you have to take the initiative to approach him when things get rough. give him space a bit then have a proper talk when the two of you are ready.

other than that maybe quality time as well bcs eventho rin is always busy, he will try his best to make time for you. that alone is proof how dedicated he can be as a significant other. this man aint doin nothin half assed !!

also enjoys quiet moments with you where the two of you are in a room together but yall are doing your own stuff. he loves knowing you’re there with him, for him. just your presence can bring him so much comfort.

cafe dates every week where he buys you your favourite pastries/desserts and drinks nngggkgkfhjgkg atp you never bothered to argue w him abt the bills bcs you know you’d lose anyway but like still.. boi why wont u let me pay for ONCE

not much pda around campus or in public but yall cuddle a lot behind closed doors bcs this man is hella touch starved ong 😤😤 run your hand through his hair and down his back and he’ll be putty in your hands 🤌

always, always sits beside you during your shared classes (would undoubtedly glare at other people when they try to take the seat beside him lol). he loves the way his shoulder brushes against yours and thighs touching each other’s under the table 😣

also LOVES to curl his ankle around yours as a sign of subtle affection and anddd he secretly adores it when you doodle random stuff on the palm on his hand. lowkey would get grumpy as hell when the sweat during practice erases all your silly art on his palm

will get embarrassed if his teammates catch him getting affection from you HAHAHHSHS but i think this is only on the early stages. once you’ve reached further milestones, rin would just send death glares to those who stare.

likes to rest his head on your shoulder, eyes closing when you’re hugging (backhugs too !!) and just. stays there. being this close to you recharges him in some way :3

the type who’d subtly glance at you whenever he makes a goal bcs he lowkey wants you to praise him (definitely not talking abt his brother issues here🚶‍♀️)

intense make out sesh before his match starts as a pre game ritual EVERYTIME🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️ “watch me closely.” he’d murmur against your lips JWHSGDHFUCKFH IM SO.

post game;; rin would walk up to you after he makes the last goal, an arm extending to pull you towards him to plant a small kiss on your forehead 🥹

gets hella feral when he sees you wearing his jersey (HAHA iykwim 👁👁), looking all pretty in the slightly oversized piece of clothing mmhm

rin would sometimes sneak you into his dorms so that the two of you could have a horror movie/game night tgt as a date hihi

BUY HIM OWL TRINKETS PLEASE he’d get so happy so starry eyed when you give it to him and will blush if you point it out ueueueuue so baby 😔

rin can be a rly protective (and possessive) lover and will get jealous if he’s genuinely provoked/threatened. if he sees other people tryna hit on you or make you feel uncomfortable, he’ll be there in a second to fend them off (how you ask? thats for him to know and for you to find out)

will NOT hesitate to throw hands or even commit murder if it’s shidou ryusei.

all in all college crush turn bf!rin 9.9/10 ,that minus .1 is bcs rin is a little emotionally constipated but we still love him saur yea :)

didn’t mean for this to get so long 😭

[miiilowo]

i feel like theres not a lot of great resources out there so i figured id just ask -- how would you recommend ways of living with/helping out someone else with npd? :)

youre right! most of the time when u look up NPD stuff its "THE ABUSER DISORDER: KNOW HOW TO RECOGNIZE IT AND DISABLE NARC DEFENSES SO THEY CANT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU" which isnt. Great

all it really comes down to is listening to them n addressing their needs if they've communicated them to you. ill try to simplify it so i dont get too into details, though i will likely fail, and most of this advice will be based off my experiences, so idk how much itll apply to whoever ur talking about BUT:

generally (and w me especially) you can safely say that NPD mostly has to do with ego dysregulation. Our [as in myself and people w npd] mental health and general happiness tends to rely on how people perceive us, and if that perception is anything but positive, we feel like poopy doo doo dogshit. we kinda need to be paid attention to in a way that feels meaningful, yknow? compliment them, make sure theyre included in conversations (esp group ones), and try not to ignore em in any way. if youre talking to them and youre busy, for example, make sure you include that detail so they don't feel like youre brushing them aside. stuff like that. if they make art, and you genuinely like it, try going into detail as to why, whether its the colors or linework or what have you. if they write, tell them what you liked about the story or poem, etcetera. Tag them in stuff that reminds you of them if you have their socials, or send them things, show it to them, whatever.

lots of us tend to actually be very insecure, even if it doesn't seem that way, which might be important to keep in mind. sometimes we can get whats referred to as "narc crashes" (im not particularly a fan of the term narc, though theres nothing actually wrong with it, so ill just call it an NPD crash) where for whatever reason, we go from feeling great and secure in our egos and our stability and happiness and security to falling 600 feet down directly into hell no recovery absolutely awful 0% joy 0% light 100% agony. dogs with human teeth screaming at you and shit its really just no good. calling you a dunderhead

they usually (though not always!) come after a high where we feel fantastic, and most commonly the cause of a crash is we get hurt by someone, humiliated, or made to feel lesser in some significant way. for me, they're the worst when i no longer feel confident that people like me, and i become incredibly worried everybody secretly hates me. which is a very very very awful train of thought to be experiencing when you have the "EVERYBODY NEEDS TO LIKE ME NOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" disorder. so if ur friend seems depressed or upset make sure to ask whats going on and bump up the praise and stuff up a notch. its the best way to recover for Me, at least. crashes dont have a consistent like. timeframe? i think it highly depends on the severity of what happened and whats being done to fix it, though im certainly no psychologist lmao

i feel like when folks w npd Are mean or unfair its because their needs arent being met, theyre doing awful, and they need support so they dont desperately lash out for it. god knows thats the case for me. thats another thing thats important to keep in mind i think

a lot of traits of NPD aren't pretty, and thats just a fact of the matter. its a disorder for a reason and all. even if we dont express the almost inherently negative traits all the time (usually because we are aware they are unfair to other people), its very likely that we are feeling them, and it does erode your brain after a while. The DSM-5 list of traits is probably the best way to go for this, as per this government website:

"A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and with lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by at least five of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements, expects to be recognized as superior without actually completing the achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.

Believes that they are "special" and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people (or institutions).[milo note: its hard for me to find something specific to make bold in this definition, but generally, i do not express that i think that i am better than other people even if i think it]

Requires excessive admiration.

Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations.

Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.

Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others.

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes."

Ive bolded the ones that would negatively affect people that, I, at least, try not to express but still feel, or feel the desire to do, near constantly.

As you can see, thats a pretty hefty chunk of them! I'm sure some people could take problem with every trait listed here, in which case they can suck my whole dick, but those are the ones I've noticed upset people the most, or make relationships the most difficult. I bring these up because if someone does express these, you need to keep in mind it is because of a personality disorder. That doesn't always make them acceptable, and if they are really upsetting, you should talk to them about it, but thats just like. basic relationship shit lmao. just try to be an eensy bit forgiving

Though the MAIN reason I wanted to bring up the traits is due to the 'entitlement/unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment/compliance' one. This can manifest in a whole lot of ways, but it is genuinely infuriating when someone ignores what i want them to do/what ive asked them to do/etc, especially if its for a reason that doesnt 'feel' solid enough, like them just not wanting to do it. it can be incredibly frustrating if someone with npd says they need something from you or want you to do xyz and it doesnt happen, so try your best to listen to them. if you cant do what they desire for whatever reason, make sure thats clear, and why. Most of us will recognize we're being unfair, but will still be mad; Just know its not because of you, its because of the disorder, and most people will not hold it against you because they're aware its unreasonable in some fashion.

i think thats like. the main things when it comes to meeting the needs of someone w NPD. to summarize and dumb it down:

make sure to compliment them in meaningful ways, especially when you really mean it

pay attention to them; try to prioritize them in conversation and such. it feels very nice. dont ignore them for the love of god

keep the crashes in mind, and try to uplift your friend as much as you can. reassure them you care about them, maybe not directly by saying "i care about you" but with your actions in general

listen to them and adapt to their needs as best as you can

remember that if they are being unpleasant its probably because of The Disorder and they are not doing well. dont let anyone be a prick to you but try to be kind. everybody goes through shit

if anyone has anything to add, or if you have any followup questions, feel free to ask ^_^ i very much didn't cover everything here, and again, this is mostly based off of my experience as someone w NPD, and everyone is different to some degree. The most important thing to do is ask about their needs, and try to adapt to them the best you can.

i think thats all i have to say for now tho so. sayanora. if i come up w anything else ill add it in an edit

[luveline]

do u have any advice for feeling hopeless about the future? It's crazy to me to see people younger/my age with so much money like I'm 22 I thought everyone struggle at this phase of life but idk.... when I look at my future I realize I have to be so lucky to afford a house, car and traveling. why go through uni when there's people who never went and have soo much money? Im so scared of being homeless and my friend literally bought a house and she's moving out I just feel like I failed life you know and Idk what to do about that

hi honey!

I want to say starkly that I often feel very hopeless about the future, even just a few days ago I mentioned here that I don’t look forward to the future, that I’m not happy thinking about it. I think university is one of those things where it doesn’t often make a big impact anymore? like for some people it means you’ll have job security in a sector you enjoy, but if you’re like me I doubt my degree will actually make much difference, my sisters hasn’t really helped her, I do think that wealth is getting to a point where if you don’t have some sort of generational income it’s not easy to actually afford a house, a car etc, and that does make you hopeless. I understand why you feel this way (but not trying to imply that university is a farce, it’s always a good thing that we should be getting a further education) . I often think I’m not smart or hard working enough to ever make anything of my life, and while hard work and intelligence do make a difference sometimes, it’s obviously not always the case and that’s tough too. And I understand comparison too because I feel like every time I go out with friends I’m the one who’s poorly dressed wearing clothes from asda while they’re in berksha and pull and bear and stuff, but I think I cope with this hopeless feeling by trying to be fair to everyone (???) Sorry if I sound stupid but what I’m trying to make in this point is that just cos my friends are wearing expensive clothes might not mean a thing, it might just mean that’s the thing they’ve chosen to buy with the limited funds they have (and I don’t mean to erase the fact that some people can’t really make that choice, or shame people for spending their money on what makes them happy). Perhaps your friend has unseen credit cards or loans, or perhaps she is lucky or well employed and has the cash for it, but neither of those answers means that you have failed at life in my opinion! I am also very afraid of homelessness, I think I’m starkly aware that if it weren’t for my mother being willing to have me here I would indeed become homeless right now! It’s hard to feel hopeful for the future when one bad day is the difference between financial security or homelessness.

but! My advice!! Not just my agreement:

I think that to feel hopeful about the future you have to change your mindset. That answer sounds stupid in hindsight: how can you change your mindset when you’re constantly being pushed back or unlucky? And how is a changed mindset actually useful against the threat of homelessness? It really isn’t like a mindset can do that and I don’t ever mean to imply to you that you can think your happy way out of poverty because you can’t, but to cope with the hopelessness part you have to unfortunately try to find a way to cope. That’s really hard to do and I genuinely think it’s brave of you to want to move away from it. It’s really common for people living in poverty or working class people to experience mental health problems simply because the quality of life they’re experiencing is so low, but that doesn’t make those mental health issues less valid or less deserving of help and treatment, so if you did ever want to get some support, you could try long term or short term. I find that I can feel less hopeless after talking to someone about the things that are worrying me, and there are free helplines and text lines dedicated to that! The Samaritans have an email service that I can attest to being helpful and kind, the person who I talked to when I was having a hard time was very understanding and sympathetic, and there are some other ones like SHOUT which is a text line, it’s free, but they’re very busy at night in the UK so if you do want to talk to them you might have to wait a while or try at a different time. I had better luck talking to them in the mornings.

I used to be so hopeless about my future that I was suicidal (and I still am some days) for a long long period of time, and the thing that helped me escape that was one. To stop listening to sad music (it sounds stupid but it helped me personally, not sure if that’s something you wanna do) two. To delete social medias and three. to read a lot of poetry!!! Not that toxic positivity can save you, but to read and to see that other people have felt how I feel and to know they also saw and made very beautiful things is a good feeling. Some sentiments have changed the way I see the world. Like: romance ‘as a medium and not a vehicle’, seeing the world as the sun is setting, a nice laugh, and more concrete things like worrying is to suffer twice, that community starts at home, and that dishes are proof you’ve eaten a home cooked meal. You definitely don’t have to like any of the sentiments I’ve said or believe in them if you don’t want to, but I’m suggesting you find some sentiments to keep you going, not even positive things if you don’t want them to be like that!! And I always suggest poetry or if u don’t wanna read a collection, just having a look on tumblr or Pinterest at what people are saying, something you can think is very beautiful about the world if only for like three or four days! I love having something to think about for a few days when I’m sad. if that’s all shit or useless don’t worry just ignore me! And obviously sorry if it is shit and useless. Another way I’ve managed to not feel hopeless totally about the future is to explore options of things I can control. I may not be able to afford a mortgage, but I could potentially one day rent a flat. I might never meet a partner to have kids with but I can foster if I wanted (not that fostering kids is the same as having them (or not the same, depending on feeling, just that’s it’s so complicated)) to take care of someone. I think the things that you’re hopeless about (things that are linked to money and work) are VERY hard to think positively about, and I don’t blame you for feeling hopeless about them, and I know how super hard and scary it genuinely is to feel like that so I’m so so sorry you’re feeling like this. It’s hard to know you can work very hard and never feel that you’ve been paid for it, and I don’t want to tell you oh don’t worry it’ll be fine because it won’t make you feel better, because you know your situation is an intimidating one, but please know you’re not alone in your hopelessness or your fears and that so many our age are in the same boat. You aren’t failing at life life is just soooooo difficult and unfair and unlucky, it’s not your fault! You are not less deserving or less hard working!! You have nothing to be embarrassed of for not managing the same as a friend has. It doesn’t mean you never will. People say this to me all the time, you don’t have to follow any life plan. I genuinely think that if you can keep trying, you can work toward happiness, and hopefully get some much deserved help! Sorry life is so hard honey!

[jihyoruri]

the angst would honestly work so well tho. never asked cause everyone had this happy vibe and i was SO scared of getting jumped.

i can imagine yn becoming aware of how close and comfortable she got with hanni, so she'd just start avoiding her without explanation. poor hanni on the other hand would reach out for the girl during the first days, trying her best to justify her actions, only to get to a point when she just can't do that anymore. hanni would be like a few steps away from depression. staying in her dorm room all day, eating the bare minimum, being too scared to open her socials or to go live, only talking with her friends through the locked door, she would genuinely be a mess. like she felt so good when she was with yn, she would melt all her stress & problems away, maybe they were young but if someone were to ask her she could definitely envision yn in her future. during music shows they would look at each other across the crowded rooms, yn looking at hanni like she just saw her worst nightmare and hanni looking at yn like it's their last day on this planet, both ignoring the people that are talking to them. fans would go crazy and constantly ask why hanni doesn't talk about paranoia anymore or put their songs on live, why her and yn don't get spotted anymore, why they haven't commented on each other's post in a long time, why they haven't interacted in so long in general, and hanni would fight back tears and end her livestreams as soon as the chat would get flooded by these types of questions. maybe i'm too much of a drama queen but i can't help it, i think that at some point hanni's sadness would turn into anger and she'd finally find the will to fight back, she'd try ANYTHING to face yn but the latter just kept avoiding her so hanni showed up in paranoia's dorms. before any of the three members could ask how hanni even knew where their dorms were, she'd ask yn a million questions, only to get always the same answers ("i never liked you", "there's someone else", "it meant nothing to me" all the bullshit like this you hear me?). hanni would grow progressively more impatient, AND HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE she'd slap yn SO GODDAMN HARD, to either hurt her fr or smack some sense into her, or maybe even both (hanni herself wasn't sure on why she did that) before storming out of their dorms. yn would stay still for a couple of minutes that surely felt like hours if not DAYS, not because of the pain, but because WHEN DID HANNI BECOME LIKE THIS)?????)???? but on a side note that would actually make her realize how far she went.

also i think that everyone is aware of yn's personality most of the people just thought about a redemption ark or some shit like that idk 🤔😭

honestly I feel like if hanni was ranting to yn about these things she wouldn’t be like “I never liked you” and stuff you said she would be more like “you knew what you were getting into, I don’t do relationship's.”

imma be so fr if hanni was to slap yn it would literally be an instinct for yn to slap her back ngl LIKE SORRY BUT the way yn wouldn’t hesitate and like she would even shock herself like it was just instinct, like living with boys has really changed her survival instinct and she’s swinging on instinct.

like after hanni leaves and everything the only thing running through yn’s mind is no way she just put her hands on me like let’s actually think about who paranoia!yn is she would def be thinking about that slap more than the reason of the slap like the guys would be like “why did you hit her back?!” and she would be like “because she hit me… really hard it was just instinct IM SORRY.”

honestly I don’t rlly get the redemption arc thing when it comes to paranoia!yn because what redemption does she need? she’s not like wow!yn who can be a complete asshole she’s just someone who’s not comfortable with relationships, you can soften her up but you can’t change who she is yk?

[kpopscruggles]

its 🏳️‍🌈 anon here im on vacation so im gonna tell this pent up frustration cause i cant jerk off huhu (gonna make it gay and i cant write so sorry)

a. part time gym trainer college student sungchan surprised that his classmate/crush walk into his gym and having to touch his crush because hes in love with a twink that has never hold a weight before. it ends with a drink or dare where his crush dared sungchan to do push ups and every push up he tries to say his crush's name and after he did it 20 times sungchan dares his crush to do crunches while moaning his name for 20 times

"come on yn u could do more than 5" sungchan said holding your legs while you are laying down obviously red and sweating. sungchan tried his best not to fuck you right then and there.

seeing you struggle do your 6th crunch made sungchan go feral "sungc-" sungchan kisses you passionately

"god i love your voice. but i love shutting you up more"

b. school heartbreaker heeseung (idk if u like enha much but hesjdjjf) always winning his football fuck list competition where they pick a name from a fish bowl and get them to fuck then before finals. with a team full of visuals its not hard but it turned into a challenge when the team decided to prank heeseung's last time playing the game as a senior.

"dude wtf why did you wrote y/n. hes a man!" hee protested

"oh come on dude its obvious how much you wanna fuck this man" jake replied

"DUDE EWW? im not gay + hes a really nice person hes cute hes hella smart hes fun to talk to he does this cute smile when hes especially talking to me an-"

"uh huh the guy youre talking about thats "not ur crush" is right over there" jake put emphasis on not ur crush with finger quotes

oh fuck. hes cute. was all he said on his head when he saw yn

"damn heeseung thought you would last longer than that?" yn said but heeseung just blanked out remembering the first time he saw you before doing the game

"heeseung?" "i love you" it was yn's turn to blank out as all he hesrd after that was a slurs of i love you while heeseung messily drove yn to his high

c. its hard being alone in your 20s especially with drowning yourself in your work while having no one to share anything with: your problems, your success, everything. and its really bad when you have no social life because you cant rant to someone about your two hot buff dilf neighbors who live together.

"they're prolly not into me im a twink theyre daddies maybe thats why they live together" you said over and over again while trying to not look at your neighbors infront of you wearing nothing but sweatpants

"eyes up here sweetheart" sunghoon said

"yk if you want this you could just ask" sungchan said while pointing on his yk what

d. drunk yn has been ranting to his best friend sungchan about his single life, he had always done this but its new years and sungchan is sick and tired of yn's shenanigand

"yn really again? yk what suck it" he opened his jeans and showed his dick thats bulging from his underwear

"are u fucking serious?" yn asked

"deadass. im sick and tired of you ranting that youre a single virgin every year. especially when i could be the one to solve that problem"

"what?" good thing yn didn't heard the last part sungchan said

"are you gonna suck it or not?"

thats all i got 😵‍💫😵‍💫 IDK IF ITS RVEN OK

Sungchan is DEF NOT hiding the fact that he’s enjoying every moment of his name coming you your mouth!!! And when your doing crutches he’ll hold your feet but end up just running his hands up your hips “cmon baby keep up…you can’t grow weak just yet” and his hands with just fiddle with the waistband of your shorts!!! Seeing you struggle would also kill him untill he just smiles “take a rest, you’ll need some energy for what I’m gonna do to this cute body of yours”

Heeseung!!!!!! (I love this plot and yes I love enha) this is definitely something he then can’t go without! He’ll become feral to the point that if you two begin dating or not he’s gonna brag ab you, ab how you make him a cum covered mess, he doesn’t care!!! After every game he’s fucking you because that’s how you give him a lil reward!!!! CAR SEX AFTER PRACTICE!!! He’s just annoyed that his coach was being a dick and just rails you in the backseat of his car while ranting to you at the same time 😭😭

“You wanna see it up close?” Sunghoon would go fucking feral too see you drill over his cock, especially while it’s just in sweatpants “I can give you a little peek if your be a good boy for me, can you do that baby? Hmm?”

Sungchan will just slowly pump his cock “go on, I know you want too which pisses me off even more that I still have to hear you complain..”

[robyn-goodfellowe]

Hi uhh idk how to say it but any tips on writing in general? I really wanna write my story I have stored in my doc but I don’t know where to start.

hello!! i am very honored that you came to ME to ask because i love to talk about writing, so thank you :) with that being said this might get a little long so ill put everything under a readmore, but all of my advice can be summarized like this

tl;dr: just start!!!

i KNOW. in my soul. that there's genuinely nothing more every aspiring writer hates to hear than "just start" lol but it really does come down to that. just start. whatever you put on the page doesnt have to be PERFECT, it just has to be there. my first drafts for anything are never solid. my initial drafts are NEVER the quality of the final

and its through careful, consistent rewriting that it becomes something more palatable and fun/easy to read. what ive noticed a lot of new writers do (and i used to be very prone to this as well) is that they go into their drafts expecting to drop their final product there, and aim for perfection. i cannot stress enough that perfection is THE ENEMY in literature. you can rewrite things thousands of times for it to turn out imperfect in the end, and thats OKAY. you'll end up with a draft you like eventually, but don't expect yourself to find it right away. it takes me a lot of consistent writing sessions to have a paragraph that im satisfied with. itll come to you naturally

but the best advice i can offer is really just ... START. open google docs and just write down your thought process, whatever that looks like for you. maybe its the summarisation of a few scenes you like, maybe its a chunk of an out of context paragraph. whatevers in your head, put it on paper and see where you can go from there. thats really the only way you can start

outside of that some of my big things are being consistent and READING. i write for at minimum half an hour every day (not always fic lol! i am a creative writing major, am working on my manuscript and also trying to get published in some small-scale literary magazines and sites. so im always working on something, basically) and its probably the only thing in my life i am super consistent about. maintaining a habit and making yourself write even when you dont "feel like it" or cant find motivation is the best way to keep writing long term. and reading, well, how i like to put it to my friends is that creativity is like a well. you cant keep drawing from it without filling it up eventually. you need good writing and good words to inspire you so you can keep drawing from your creative well. when im not writing im reading and you should be too. you really cant have one habit without the other

are really immersing myself in the world that i've created for my silly little guys. i am, at all times of the day, immersed into my stories one way or another. im almost constantly curating pinterest boards, or making playlists, or sharing it with my friends (the last one is highly important. the best way to stay encouraged is to have someone to share with) and so theres not really a day when im not thinking about what i want to write to some extent

but yeah basically thats all of the advice i can offer. write, write, write and don't be afraid for it to be not perfect. nobody is perfect, you are human. so just have fun with it

hope this can help ssomewhat! :)

[zzzzzluv]

Hi,there. I'm quite new here so I'm gonna ask you a question and your opinion? What do you think of projek high council actually? Because im trying to spread the fandom around to some people actually and it has potential to grow as a fandom everyone no matter what country they are enjoys it,also do you have any headcanons about projek high council if so please tell me what the headcanons are.

hi!

omg same! im also a new user lol

i like the show A LOT. idk how to say this but the show feels like a place to me to vent? like i understand what those characters were feeling because i also had gone pretty much the same thing (maybe not 100% the same but kinda similar). and oh my god the characters dude. THE CHARACTERS. im in love with corruption trope, like im obsessed. you see, fakhri was playing a hero at first, but then slowly acted like kahar. isn't it ironic that he became something that he hate before? talking about kahar, im really curious about his backstory! thank god there will be a movie about him (IM FUCKING EXCITED). ayam is a mood, i love every time he appeared on the screen. okay this is getting long lol im so sorry. anyways, i was expecting a sad ending due to the show being so depressing (i thought naim was gonna die wtf pls dont do that again) but im glad that we got a happy ending! (im a sucker for happy ending lmao) overall, i really like the writing, it's really well done. the pacing is perfect, good casts. i don't really watch a lot of Malay dramas so i cant really compare. but PHC is one of my top series now hehe. though im not sure if everyone knows this but this show might seem a bit unrealistic cuz the higher ups being involved and like there were a lot of things going on, it's actually real. it happened and is happening right now. hell, even in the public university, they still apply this high council shit.

if the producers decide to air the show globally, it could reach some international audience. maybe not a lot, but im pretty sure some people will be more invested.

hm my headcanons?

i don't remember which ep, but it was the one where kahar accidentally pushed (or kicked? im not sure) ayam and led to ayam be in a coma. they did show kahar got traumatised by that but not enough for me lol. so yea, i imagine kahar doesnt dare to look himself in the mirror because he almost killed someone. yea sure, he bullied a lot of people, misusing his power, but he was never a killer. he still has that humanity in him.

and i also imagine him having a rough childhood due to how his dad treated him. you know, constantly being compared to his brothers, thats not very nice. so kahar just swallowed the hate to idk make himself felt full? my headcanons are pretty weird i apologise

and also, since naim and fakhri are on the good terms now, im pretty sure they are awkward around each other at first. cmon, they were on each others' throat, didnt wanna breath the same air. NO WAY theyre gonna hold hands and scream "yay we're a happy family now!" like no. i know damn well that most of the time they don't even talk, but then something random happens and that will be their topic. like fakhri doesn't know how to decorate, then naim will make fun of him or saying something like "ish kau ni, benda senang pun tak boleh buat ke?" naim doesnt mean anything, it just becomes a light banter? so sorry for my bad eng and the fact that you have to read all this...

ohhhh and hakeem! it's actually funny how hakeem is the closest friend to kahar lol. i think they became friends in an unexpected way, but because of that, they became even closer. and it's actually comforting when theres someone who's willingly to become a friend with kahar without any malicious intent!

ahh thank you for the ask! im sorry for making this ans long 🙏 have a good day!

[vorpalfae]

ive been living with sensory issues my whole life, i freak out when someone makes small changes to my routine, like i hate doing spontaneous things, most of the time i hate physical affection, & i have such a hard time socializing & making friends. i have bipolar disorder and other disorders like anxiety, etc. but my treatment for those things doesn't help with these other issues i have. i hate being like this and i want to work toward change but i don't know what to do to work toward it. 😞

like i said i have trouble making friends and i always have since i was a kid. i've always felt like an alien compared to other ppl. and that's fine because i prefer being alone. but i hate that i can't act normal in social situations and ppl always think im rude or weird when im not trying to be 😢 and it sucks because i kinda have to be in social settings sometimes because i have children. and i dread it for these reasons every time. nobody is interested in the same things as me. and when i talk about my interests ppl tell me im too obsessed with something or tell me its weird altogether. which hurts. and when i am able to make "friends" i always get taken advantage of because i can never tell when someone is taking advantage of me and my kindness or if they have malicious intentions with me. and i feel stupid every time because my bf will tell me they are "obviously playing you" or my mom will say stuff like "can't you tell that they aren't interested?" or the one i always get is "why can't you see that this guy is flirting with you/trying to sleep with you."

idk if im just having a panic attack or a mental breakdown or what. but this has been building up inside of me for years. i feel so stupid and weird. i have to carry lotion around with me because if my hands don't have moisture on them at all times i literally sit there with chills going up my spine and i can't touch anything. certain clothes make me want to rip my skin off. and my family gets annoyed every time i have to run back in the house because i forgot to grab it. which just adds to the guilt i feel for being this way and i can't control these issues no matter how hard i try.

i've literally made so many lists and "rules" for myself on how to act around ppl and i try so hard to follow them just to get through whatever event is going on.

i think thats why i throw myself into my interests and use them to escape reality so much. once i find something i like i become obsessed with it forever and i talk about it so much to the point where my bf tells me its too much. certain characters and shows are the only thing that brings me comfort sometimes. i have so many unnecessary lists and categories for my interests. i know its very time consuming and pointless but just having them makes me feel better. like pinterest for example is my best friend lol. making these lists and stuff just soothes me in a way. as stupid as that sounds. but even tho it comforts me it still makes me feel stupid because ive never met anyone else who does that.

i've never ever spoken about this stuff online/publicly before. mainly because of embarrassment and fear of being bullied for it since ive already been relentlessly harassed for a million other things. i just have so much anxiety all the time. and doing pointless things helps with it but i want to stop feeling this way. or at least have answers as to why i am this way so maybe i can fix it. im tired of feeling awkward or different from other ppl. i want to be normal and pleasant to be around. i want to get along with the other parents at school functions instead of being scared to talk to ppl. i can't even make eye contact with anyone i talk to. ive tried since i was LITERALLY a child and no matter what i always get scared or nervous and look away. and its really noticeable to other ppl because they've mentioned it to me.

i'm posting this to vent but also maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing or can help me. because i feel so hopeless and im scared im going to be this way forever. ive only been able to find info on the sensory thing and ive found that there is no way to get rid of it. ive tried everything and ive given up on that. but i know i can change my actions and how i interact with ppl if i can just figure out WHY i am like this.

pls don't laugh at me or say anything mean if you choose to comment on this post. i already have so much anxiety and fear about posting it. i don't want sympathy or anything like that. i just need help 😞🥺😢

i have an appointment booked for seeing a psychiatrist but that isn't until november i haven't seen one since i was a little kid. so i'm hoping to maybe get some answers in the meantime.

i already can't work and im getting disability soon because my bipolar is so crippling. it affects my ability to function so much. and i have these other problems on top of it. the fact that i can't even make a living like "normal" ppl makes me feel bad about myself already. and since i can't get a job or a career i want i just want to feel normal in my everyday life and around ppl AT THE VERY LEAST.

[prestonmonterey]

hey so im v curious about like reality shifting and stuff but idk much about it and i have some questions

hii ok

im like

a bit eepy

but ill try to make my thoughts make sense

so

(forgive me, i wanna learn more about shifting and the community, but all of my knowledge comes from inherently critical sources, so im sorry if i come off as rude or anything, im not trying to be i genuinely want to learn more about this)

reality shifting

to my understanding

is like...kinda a combination of fiction/fanfic and dreaming.

and it stems from the idea of the multiverse?

and the idea. that you can exchange your consciousness with someones from another timeline/parallel universe

and usually this happens when youre dreaming or begins when you sleep

so

(also plz correct me if im wrong on any of the stuff above)

now onto question stuff

i think its pretty important, that like. a lot of the stuff ive seen around shifting and like, response to any criticism is basically like 'youre the only person holding yourself back" like, anyone can shift, so if you cant its your fault

and on one hand i guess this could be motivational? like as long as you try hard enough its possible?

basically i want to make sure it isnt hurting peoples self esteem or mental health

but also. i. had a similar experience with lucid dreaming when i was a kid. my mom had a phase about lucid dreaming and was telling me all about it and was like 'you should try it' so i did. i tried. over and over. to somehow just 'realize' i was dreaming and take control. it never worked for me. and my mom was like 'well i guess youre just not trying hard enough'

and it was really disheartening bc ive always had trouble with sleep (might have like. insomnia or something. ive never been able to sleep well through a full night even before my life was consumed by screens.) and ive always had extremely strange dreams. and in my waking mind of course i know that if my teacher turned into an octopus with an apple for a head (yes this did happen in a dream) i would definitely notice and be like 'hey, thats not right' but it doesnt work like that in dreams. in my dreams it kinda feels like my impulses control me and i dont have any sense of self or logic.

and it felt awful to be told that it was my fault that i couldnt do it.

i also know that lucid dreaming somewhat ties into shifting so thats one of my other concerns, bc ive never been able to lucid dream and i dont know if i ever will

also idk where to put this but like. safety is important to me. i have friends who shift and i want to make sure they arent like, actually at risk of dying? and even seperate from that im wondering if people use this as a form of escapism too often that it becomes unhealthy and like negatively affects other aspects of their life

next question: is there proof

of course theres going to be anecdotal evidence from individuals in the community, and thats super alright. but sometimes people make things up. and sometimes people tell made up things to young, impressionable children who carry those falsehoods into life. and im worried about that

ok so ive read like 1 artice about this all. but immediately it brought up a major red flag for me. it gave an example of a study on shifting. but. it didnt cite its sources

and if anyones wondering that is a huge no-no. anyone can make up conclusions from made up studies. the point of studies is to show that people who are properly educated and know what theyre doing support these claims.

now im not saying shifting is made up in any way. it just seems sketchy to me that seemingly widespread sources talk about studies but theres no links or anything. theyre basically saying 'i saw a thing about it. just trust me.'

also uhh...idk much about the multiverse. but from what i understand. it comes from the idea of free will. and that every time anyone makes a descision, a parallel universe is created where they made a different descision. so i get that that could change a lot of things about the world like the rate of inventions and industrialization and wars and stuff. but really the shifting that ive seen most is into more fantasy leaning worlds. and im kinda wondering how thats possible in the multiverse? like sure theres infinite timelines...but most of those timelines will just be like. the same as this one but samantha chose to put on her right sock first instead of her left sock or something. and physics still applies, right? so how does hogwarts exist? does hogwarts exist? if magic is real in a parallel universe, is it real here?

so basically to sum it up my main questions are:

how do we know shifting is possible for everyone?

is it safe? (mentally, physically etc)

is lucid dreaming necessary?

is there any proof or credible source that i can look to for more info?

and how does this tie into the multiverse theory

also if anyone has any information about scripting and like evrything about reality shifting that would be great

i wanna learn more but im afraid of finding misinformation

ty :3

[lemmilemura]

it’s ur girl pine back with another request that’s secretly an unfinished draft from my notes app

okay so the reader is friends with maeve, and one day she invites them to a party (specifically one that jake hosts, this is important) (no it’s not i just like drama)

but the reader is kind of put off by the idea since they don’t really like parties. but yk it’s just this one time and maeve seems like she really wants them to go with her so they decide to get a little more information on it so they can be prepared (idk i honestly didnt think about why they ask questions but just go along with it 😭) so they ask maeve who’s gonna be there. she says smthn like “eh idk, jake, probably the rest of his group, me obviously, and simon” (reader hasn’t met simon yet, but they know who he is, they also don’t think AT is as bad as everyone makes it out to be) (very odd take but were gonna roll with it). and so when the reader eventually goes, them and simon eventually get like alone together and he starts conversation with them (prob says like “hey, are you y/n? i think maeve has mentioned you a few times.” or something)

IM SORRY THIS IS SUCH A LONG REQ BUT YEAH!! also you can decide what happens after simon and the reader are alone together, im thinking the reader like kind of realizes ‘oh shit this guys kind of fine’ in the like 30 minutes they talk to each other BUT YOU CAN CHANGE IT HOWEVER YOU WANT🫡 (also sorry this isn’t as good as my others it was kind of rushed)

At this point, you should just become my source of ideas xD Because truth be told I am running out and you always have great ones, Pine!!!!!🌲(I tried looking for a ferret emoji too, but I didn’t find one, so now you’re just 🌲 hope that’s okay)

All kept gender-neutral Based on the show

 "I’m really not sure, Maeve. I mean, I brely know anyone at Bayview, let alone Jake." Maeve was trying to convince me to go with her to a party hosted by a guy at her school. We didn’t go to the same school and I didn’t know anyone, besides Maeve and that one Simon guy, but only because he has an app or something that people are making way bigger a deal than it should be. "Oh c’mon! For all I know, you barely leave the house! I mean, if nobody knows you, that’s even better! No way for you to embarrass yourself. Pleeeease just come with I beg you."

In the end, it took a few more minutes, but she did manage to convince me. The days leading up to the party, she kept talking about it, telling me about all of the people I'd probably see. She kept bringing up Janae, I was convinced she had a thing for her, and Simon. The day of the party, though, I was considering just telling her I was sick, I wasn't really feeling like it'd go well. But I still decided to go, I said 'fuck it' and went.

Though, after only a few minutes, I had already lost Maeve. Great. I was alone at a party at someones house who I did not know, with people I didn't know. The kitchen always seemed like a good palce to go, especially when most people were outside by the pool. Also in the kitchen you can get drinks, just water to be honest, but sometimes that's really all you need. I find an unused cup and just get some water from the tap.

Suddenly, this guy walked in, and my god he was hot. Like goddamn what god or demon did his parents make a deal with to make him that attractive? I’m not even kidding, he was just that good looking. I damn near choked on my water, I had to turn around and face away from him out of embarrassment. He didn’t say anything, maybe he didn’t even notice me. He walk around like he owned the place, he knew where everything was, every cup, drink. Maybe he’s Jake’s brother or something. Or maybe that is Jake? I thought.

He suddenly seemed to notice me. "You’re new." He simply stated. I nodded, trying to stay calm. "Maeve invited me." I replied. He raised an eyebrow, making him only more attractive for some reason. "That mean you’re (Y/N)?" He asked. Holy shit hot guy knows my name. Stay cool, stay calm, you’ve got this. I nodded. "Funnily enough, I dragged her here. ‘m Simon."

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? THAT’S SIMON? MAEVE WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME HE WAS HOT?

I tried my best to stay calm and not let my shock come through. I took another sip of my drink, hoping it would help. "You don't go to Bayview, do you?" He asked. Again I just shook my head. He looked me up and down, making me even more flustered, somehow. "Shame." He said, and just... walked off. Just liek that. This man flustered me to my core and walked off like it was nothing.

Honestly I don't remember much of the rest of the party, I was really just trying to calm down, also half debating if I should switch schools. Genuinely. Luckily, Maeve soon (maybe, I do not know how long it was) came back and we decided to leave.

"So, how was it?" Maeve asked. I grabbed her by the shoulders and started shaking her. "WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT SIMON’S HOT? THAT IS A VERY IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW!" Maeve only laughed at my reaction. "Okay, while I do agree, he is good looking, he can be a pain in the ass sometimes." I must admit my face did betray me in that moment. I found that out because Maeve gave me a look, then started laughing again.

[firefly--bright]

all my daughters.

jean kirstein x gender neutral!reader (modern au)

summary : the crushing weight of everything and everyone changing is a bit too much. jean wants to bear the burdens with you.

warnings : hurt/comfort, mostly just therapy for my crumbling mental state, amateur symbolisms (?), established relationship, no use of y/n (im trying smth new) not proofread!!!!!

a/n : this is kinda like flaws but worse? idk I just needed to write something to comfort me and I'll be nothing if I don't use my writing to fix me <3 anyway! self projection as always but I love you if you relate to this and I'm always here to listen if you need someone to talk to. I'm also probably gonna take a hiatus after this fic but we'll see (I'm here to talk to regardless of that!) <3 i honestly don't expect this fic to get that much traction but anyway! enjoy!

taglist : @holding-ishu-and-a-book , @mrsnobodynobody

masterlist is linked in pinned post! ✿ requests for jean kirstein are open! ✿ enter my taglist ✿

inspired by these songs : all my daughters (demo) by dodie

ajib dastan hai yeh by Lata Mangeshkar

you were used to contradictory sentences. double negatives that were only meant to confuse you, double positives that you thought meant anything but, adorned with a sarcastic smile and a roll of the eyes that left you needing to figure the meaning out yourself.

jean was a walking contradictory sentence. he was a walking double negative, one that you didn't know how to understand. he was blunt but sweet, cold and warm, never being in one spot with his feelings, always on his feet but not running away. somehow he stayed.

all your friends were moving on. every one - sasha was moving out with her boyfriend niccolo, a chef who she had become extremely close to over the past year and who treated her in the highest of regards. your other roomate, Mikasa, was also moving out, but not with her boyfriend, eren, as you had suspected but instead for a chase of starting a new flourishing business of selling handcrafted oxidised jewellery online. that and being closer to eren, she had explained to both you and sasha.

Marco wasnt moving, per say, but he was already applying for his masters in law to broaden his perspective, and there was a prospect of him going abroad for his soon to approach future. he was currently visiting his extended family. Connie, surprisingly, was the first of your friend group to actually get a job at a marketing firm, and even if it was sort of exhausting, people praised Connie's charms and puns that made people buy the products. he was also helping Mikasa with her business, alongside eren and armin.

jean, currently making dinner for the pair of you in your mostly empty apartment, was also interning for an architectural firm. well, he hadn't started yet, but he did get accepted with the interview he gave last month.

and you? even though you were currently looking for new roomates to occupy the now empty spaces in the apartment, you felt lost. sure, you had a plan, and had also applied for a handful of internships, but that didn't mean you knew what you were doing.

you were used to keeping things and people in boxes. it started ever since you were in middle school and had just heard about books like Harry Potter and divergent, books that had a clear distinction of which people belonged where. you'd define people with those distinctions so it was easy to figure them out; it was easier to think of someone in a faction or Hogwarts houses or godly parent instead of actually trying to figure them out with all their complexeties. eventually it graduated into astrological signs that were probably all bullshitted anyway, and into MBTI types. there was always an explanation for something, and if it wasn't given them you'd find it out for yourself as you always had. but you couldn't go by those simple classifications anymore. they were too narrow and too claustrophobic.

but you also hated too-wide expanses that came with simply existing. the expanse of your unknown lifespan, the limitlessness of unlimited time, the enormous amount of things you had yet to learn. it was easy to get lost in nothing. how did your friends and family and all the people around you ever manage to make a clear path for themselves with a multitude of stops and landmarks when you didn't even have the basic gravel and stone and concrete to get started on making a road for yourself? would you be yet another chapter that ended in a fullstop in their thick books that they'd flip away from? the change - the uncertain steps - were never something you looked forward to.

helping mikasa and sasha move out was a challenge, another full stop in their books, helping Connie by teaching him how to properly format professional emails was another landmark that he passed, seeing Marco off at the airport before he caught his flight was another certain step.

the wide tumultous blue of the sea that you were floating in and it's unnerving depth used to be somewhat manageable. you had been swimming with your friends for a long time until your fingertips got all shriveled up, but now it seemed as though they had all swam away from you and towards a shore they were looking forward to, but you werent. the horizon line was all you could see, and you dared not to open your eyes underwater to see how deep the water was.

you were happy for them, ofcourse you were. you loved them with all your heart, and sections of your essential heart were left only for them with their names carved into the ridges of your brain. but the change was too much, too empty, too wide, too limitless, too uncertain.

a knock on the wood of your bedroom door made you turn your swivel chair towards the noise, and jean stood there against the doorframe, leaning on it. "dinner's ready. didn't know which movie to watch, though." he said, and only half of his words are registered by your ears.

you nod, your lips quirking up only slightly. "I'll be there in a bit," you say, watching Jean's brows knit closer together. you loved the way his forehead crinkled in obvious worry and concentration, but you didn't have the tongue to speak out your admirations.

he tilts his head. ever the observant, he asks, "what's wrong?"

his tone is patient. his words demand acknowledgement.

you sigh a little, knowing you can't hide anything from him. you thanked that quality of his, even if it was a little inconvenient at times, because his unrelenting persistence was the reason you felt so loved today, the reason you and jean had gotten closer in the first place.

your shoulders slump, "i dont know how to explain it," you say, because it's true, but also because even if you could explain it, you wouldn't know where to begin. but you begin anyway, even though you know it would end with you trailing off. jean would understand anyway as he always had. "just.... everything's changing... and I, i dont know, i dont really like change, I guess." there's a pause and you refuse to look at his face which you're sure is observing yours carefully as he always does. "it's just...too much." you say, shrugging at the end. "it's too much and I don't know how to deal with this. like everyone's dealing with it better than I am and I don't even know if I've....if I've grown much, if at all. i dont know what I'm supposed to do. i dont know what my role is, like i just, i wish there was an author writing my life so I'd know what to do because I don't know how to...how to do everything myself. i-" you didn't know when the lump had formed in your throat, refusing to be swallowed down anymore after being ignored for months on end. "i dont know anything, jean, and it's scary." you say, and your eyes don't shed tears even if theyre stinging. you wish you could cry just to get it over with.

you were probably overreacting. everyone was doing so great with themselves, and at the end of the day, it wasn't a big deal. so what if everyone would move on with their lives? wasn't that what was supposed to happen? so what if your friends would probably forget you? shouldn't you be glad that you had them in the first place? wasn't it better to have felt alive for the first time than to not have felt it in the first place?

warm and sturdy arms wrapped around your unshaken frame, and you were pulled away from your rolling chair to sit down on your bed. the mattress dipped comfortably under you as it always had and jean smelt like he always did and you took comfort in the predictability. your sheets would smell the same today and tomorrow and the day after, your clothes would be in the same closet, your mirror would be in its same place in the bathroom and jeans arms would always hold you softly.

he held you for a couple minutes as you wallowed in your own sea. your legs were in his lap, leaning your weight on his arms. your eyes were closed, and you felt his warm hands rubbing circles in their place on your thigh and on your back.

you speak again, feeling the need to be understood even though you already were. "i just wish that... that I could freeze time whenever I have a good day." you say, and it's the final nail in your coffin and the final scoop of dirt on your grave. it's all you have to say, it's all jean needs to hear as he holds you a little tighter.

he hums in thought, no doubt thinking of a proper response. sometimes you wish you could take a peek inside his head, just to see, even for a useless moment, what he was thinking about. and more selfishly, if it was about you.

but that didn't matter because who was jean if he didn't speak his mind? his cheek rests on the top of your head and you can feel his warmth, and you wish you could let his warmth spread all over you, you wish that it would ignore the barrier of your skin and go straight to your organs and muscles because your warmth hadn't felt like it had been yours for a very long time and Jean's heat would be much more than welcome. but that was wishful thinking and you feel him kiss the top of your head instead, and you accept it.

"you know," he finally starts, and you can hear his heartbeat. "when we first met I had one of the moments you're talking about. the want to like.... somehow freeze the moment and just relive it forever." he says. you don't move, you don't dare remove your head from his shoulder afraid that if you did, he'd be another thing lost to the depths of your mind.

he continued. "what I'm saying is, i know what you're scared of. that your friends will forget you and move on without you. but... i dont think they will. i dont think anyone can. don't you think just like you have parts of them in you that they have parts of you in them? I've seen it. sasha started talking like you like a month after you guys moved in together. Mikasa likes buying flowers now. Marco texts like you. Connie has so many jokes that only you'd understand. and i-" he says, cutting himself short with a small breathy chuckles that makes your heart dangerously stutter, "i dont think that, god forbid, if we were to ever not be together, i dont think that i would ever be able to forget you. but that's probably because I'm in love with you and that's not changing for atleast this lifetime," another short laugh, "i dont think any of our friends, any of your past friends could ever forget that you existed. i mean, you'd always be there. youd always exist even if it is in the back of their minds.

"and you don't have to know everything. it's not a race. it's just...a nice walk, if anything. you don't have anyone or anything to catch up to. you can take your time, love, and i know it's hard convincing yourself of that, but you can. and if it's any consolation," he says, grabbing your hand that had formed into a loose fist on your knee, encasing your hand in his, "I'm...I'll be here. even if we aren't talking, which I'm pretty sure won't happen, but even if it does, I'm here. i will be." he says, squeezing your fist.

his words breathe comfort into your lungs that rested inside the prison your ribs had become. your chest felt a little lighter, the stubborn knots in your stomach were slowly undoing themselves and maybe his words didn't undo any damage nor did they paint over it but they did help heal.

you breathe in deeply, burrowing yourself even further in his shoulder, and he thankfully gets the message as he holds you tighter, like he's the only twine holding you together. you nod, and he kisses the crook where your shoulders meet your neck.

"thank you," you whisper, something that could get lost in his clothes but he catches it and shakes his head. you know what he's going to say before he even says it and you smile a little.

maybe jean was a contradiction to himself, a double negative, a not not persistence. and maybe you did feel lost, maybe time had swam away from the desperate deathgrip you had on it. but jean was there. he wasn't a fullstop or a chapter, he was more of a "okay, and," sentence, something that continued over with a comma, and he wasn't a guide that held your hand towards the shore, but he was more of an insistent presence that helped you not drown by holding your hand. he wasn't the shore itself, but he did provide the comfort of finding footing against the depths.

not a race, not a stand, just a walk. a walk with your hand in Jean's, a walk with uncertain but hopeful steps.

not a book, not a chapter, just scribbles of incoherent but excited writing in a diary.

[nevarroes]

i refuse to send these thoughts separately:

who would cas main in league, he wouldnt play isnt an answer the mans gender is at least 25% calling people slurs on mic

okay but what if what if um 🥺👉👈 someone wanted to write a thing but they were super anxious about getting cas’s voice right in part because by the nature of how you share your creative concepts the only solid vibe they get is Doesnt Talk A Lot, When He Does Its 90% Weird Rude Mean Shit, hence the cesare big top burger comparison

and fuckin um i forget if ive ever asked, i mostly process cas’s fuckedupedness through a lens of npd, but am more familar with bpd because my own brain garbage is a bit of both and having had many loved ones with bpd, does cas ever fully freak the fuck out in an insecure attachment way trying to make gortash Go Away or trying to leave himself(but coming back generally), might characterize that Oh No Hes Going To Die leaves forever cant handle loss unless he “choses” it meltdown in a similar menthol eelnessTM vein

i especially love thinking about cas being extremely insecure because reality will never live up to his delusions of self importance perfection and grandeur because fun fact :^) a side affect of those thought patterns is constant disappointment in a reality of self that can never meet those expectations :^^^)

casim “i AM perfect or ill DIE” carnavorn

honestly "Doesnt Talk A Lot, When He Does Its 90% Weird Rude Mean Shit" is pretty on point here😭😭 I used to say like everyone desires him and then he opens his mouth and theyre like "hmmm yeah idk if this one's worth it chief". Like he has no filter at all but it isn't like he doesn't do it on purpose it's more like he goes out of his way to make sure everyone leaves in a worse mood than before, if that makes sense? Gortash would join in though honestly.... type of situation where Gortash tries to introduce them to some noble family on a party and Cas just drops that some poor girl looks like a fat cow (see this is funnier considering that he stands next to Gortash but ain't nobody gonna say that back) 🙏

aside from that though like.... in private? I suppose this may be more of a tone thing and I'm a VERY mid writer so I couldn't even tell you how I'd show this of the top of my head but I suppose he's more... clearly affectionately teasing? because yeah he obviously stays teasing and calls him a fat bastard in private still and such but it's very obvious if you look at them for a second that it's like a far cry from how he treats everyone else (smth smth his gaze very clearly softens and he allows himself to giggle and you can tell that they have been knowing each other for a long time)

okay sorry im YAPPING but ! ....If you want to write something I'd be over the fucking moon either way honestly like??😭 tbh I think you sound like you get him a lot already but also let me just say additionally... I see Cas as a character that's pretty flexible anyways because he erm... he has mood swings but also doesn't really have smth I'd consider a set speech pattern or something that he needs to sound in character?

anyways concerning the npd/bpd thing I never quite drew a line for him or anything to put him more into one camp but. I mean yeah based on the dying of old age scenario... LMFAOO but also yeah he does. Cas is the type of person that will literally leave the city for months or lock himself in and try to "become a new person" (he literally has moment where he's like "maybe I should just become who Bhaal wants me to be. maybe it would be easier") if there's some dispute with Gortash. It usually ends with Gortash forcing him to meet him again and Cas being something along the lines of "oh my fucking god can I just stop loving you already" but yeagh u know the fact that Gortash is kinda the only person he ever liked or even saw as a friend just makes it worse tbh

and the insecurities/delusions thing? yeah exactly what you said. a lot of his insecurities are insane too tbh like "I can never be what everyone desires" but then he loses it if he's NOT what someone desires, Gortash saying smth along the lines of "I like women too" would be enough to make him walk off a ledge because he can't be that part (smth smth I can be most perfect man on the planes but I'll never be a woman. funnier when u know he could use incubus illusion magic but he refused to his whole life). But anyways yeah as I said once Cas is like... a DEEPLY insecure person at his core even if he'd never admit or think that it shows

anyways after this analysis... Cas plays adc and shits on every support he plays with💯 He mains aphelios because he wants to look at a man but also because he thinks he's better than anyone else for playing a complex champ... hope u see my vison

[moodr1ng]

lengthy discussion of ed treatment/management under the cut but nothing triggering or specific

i think its funny that im like.. (i believe) very good at giving advice regarding eating disorders to other people.. like, i will often give detailed, multi-paragraph, nuanced advice and information on dealing with eds and give people lists of ways they can reach for help, advice on managing disordered eating behaviors as best as possible, reassurance that yes, what theyre describing is a real ed, yes they deserve help, no they dont need to get any sicker to get help, ill frequently ask people who are down on themselves or ashamed bc of eating disorders to let me have faith in them on their behalf/let them know that im proud of them even if they arent/reassure them that they are never alone with this even in the worst part of an ed when it feels like youre the only person this fucked up on the planet/celebrate their wins and improvements if they have no one to be proud of them/etc. and none of this im saying to congratulate myself like.. i am somewhat educated on this topic, i like being able to use that to help out people, im not doing anything extraordinary or praiseworthy, i just have a certain level of skill/knowledge in handling eds and so i feel its sort of a responsibility i want to take on to put that to use.

but the point is.. i can do all this for other people but when it comes to myself? i dont follow any of my advice. my relationship to food is terrible and so is that to my body. i know all this stuff, i have all these nice things to say to other people - and i can't apply any of it to myself.

and though i always encourage people to reach out to medical professionals, to nutritionists, to therapists specializing in ed, to hotlines, to ed clinics.. i have been let down by every single one of those. my nutritionist told me my eating problems are a psychiatric issue and therefore she simply couldnt help me in any way. my psychiatrist listened to me describe my ed and had no advice bc he doesnt specialize in this and cant help me. the ed clinic in my city wouldnt offer me treatment bc they only take extremely underweight patients. a nutrition/ed support clinic a friend recommended wont take me either bc im not overweight enough. i contacted an ed hotline, set up a phone appointment with the hotline worker, and got ghosted. every avenue of help i have found has said "i cant help you" or "i wont help you". and yet here i am, still telling people to seek professional support and hoping they have better luck than me..

idk. sometimes i just feel phony, yknow? like, here i am giving people all this reassuring, in-depth, affirming advice that sounds like.. wise or like i know my shit right, and then you go look at my post history on the same account and theres my post about my relapse and how profoundly i hate myself and am disgusted with myself. it makes me feel like.. me still being in the deep of the ed devalues my advice. you peek under the curtain, and the guy who talks like he has it all figured out and can help you is just as lost, scared, ashamed and miserable as you.

not sure what im trying to say. just. think about this regularly ig. i wonder how i wouldve fared in a world where i didnt get rejected from returning to the psychology course, in a world where i become someones therapist - would i have too felt like an absolute phony, a poser, if i had become a therapist while being this mentally unwell? idk. maybe. it doesnt matter now, anyway.