#im tired and im exhausted and im confused and i dont know who or what to believe

[dead-salmon]

what fucks with my brain is i see people with who many of my political views align with

but then they go "north korea has a good government actually, so does china, the ddr was a good thing, it's all just western propaganda" and i'm????

am i missjng something here? did i miss something here? i cann 100% well say the ddr isn't and wasn't a good thing, but wdym n.korea and chinas governments are good actually. aren't those dictatorships? how are they good? am i missing something? are they actually dictatorships or not? what's the propaganda here, dictatorship or no dictatorship??? i know there's lits of propaganda about it in the west, but they're still not good governments?? right???? help???????????

[always1star]

bad day

feat. corporateboyfriend!gojo

gojo x gn!reader when gojo has a bad day at work </3

hurt/comfort, no warnings (i think)

-----------------------------------

corporateboyfriend!gojo who comes home after a bad day. i mean, every day at the office is a bad day, but today was particularly shitty. hes exhausted and hungry, and all he wants is some peace, quiet, and rest. he comes home, his body feeling heavy, dragging himself through the door. he doesn’t even feel like going through his usual routine. he kicks his shoes off, not bothering to align them with the rest of the shoes like he usually does. he walks over to the counter and drops off his stuff. he can smell something cooking, but hed rather sleep right now more than anything. but, he feels it would be courteous to say hi to you before he goes to bed. 

next thing satoru knows, hes sitting at the dining table nearly dozing off while you cook. you’re complaining to him and hes just sitting around because he doesnt want to cut you off. but also he's too tired to communicate that he needs some space right now and desperately needs to sleep. you notice his uncharacteristic silence and ask him what’s wrong. satoru, already being as frustrated as he was with his low energy and hunger, just gets really upset. hes had a very long day: his team isnt doing their jobs, his manager wont stop nagging, and his project is due in three days. 

you watch as he unbuttons the top few buttons of his shirt and loosens his tie. he holds his head in one of his hands, deeply sighing. you furrow your brows because something isnt right. you turn down the stove and approach him with worry. you open your mouth to speak your concerns again before you suddenly hear him say, “god, could you be quiet? please?”

stumbling back in shock, you immediately shut your mouth and back away from him. it was clear he didnt want to be talked to, but his words felt like a stab through your body. you look at him again and see his eyes blown wide, regret immediately covering his face. you and satoru never really fought over frivolous things, so this was an absolute first, leaving the both of you in surprise and confusion. 

you meekly utter an apology, and turn to walk away. forgetting his previous exhaust, satoru jumps up. “wait, please. i’m sorry i didn’t mean it” you sigh. “its ok, youre tired i get it.” you reply, you back still facing him. you feel as his arms wrap around your waist and his body envelopes yours. “i know that i had a really shitty work day today, but that doesnt mean i get to disrespect you like that. im sorry.” you smile and lean back into his embrace, knowing he was already forgiven. “its okay, really satoru. if you want to make it up to me, why dont you eat dinner with me tonight? arent you hungry?” 

you feel his face nuzzle into your neck. “again, im sorry, i really do love you… whats for dinner?”

-----------------------------------

HES MY FAVORITE!!!! and he's real guys... i swear...

[gyurilla]

if i say, i love you - rooms & beach

synposis; riwoo accidentally retweets one of your old posts, thinking he's on his spam account. he quickly deletes it, but your friend manages to screenshot it before it's gone. you play it cool, acting like it was no big deal-pretending you haven't secretly had a crush on him for years and thinking it was just a harmless mistake. but riwoo knows it wasn't a mistake

wc; 1.k

main

it was around 3 a.m. when everyone starting arriving at the beach house, the moon casting a soft glow over the calm waves. everyone was exhausted from the drive, but taesan seemed like he hadn’t a care in the world. he hopped out of the car, practically bouncing with energy, while the others trudged behind him, dragging their feet.

“this is my beach house,” taesan announced with a grin

hanni raised an eyebrow, skeptical. “yours??”

“yep!” he said proudly, his voice full of confidence. “my parents bought it for me whenever i needed to get away from school.” ye grinned mischievously, looking at the group. “jelly?”

taesan stood in the middle of the living room, “there’s only six rooms” he said like it was normal

“only six rooms?” sungho repeated, mocking him with an exaggerated tone, like having six rooms and a beach house was the most average thing for a uni student to own. he leaned against the wall, raising an eyebrow at taesan. “cool flex, taesannie”

“shut up”, he shot back, playfully nudging him. he tossed leehan’s hat off his head with a mischievous grin, “everyone write your name on this paper, rip it off and into leehan’s hat”

“what for??” leehan asked annoyed

“we’re doing a drawing to see who shares rooms, but im definitely getting my own room.”

everyone groaned but nodded. with all the tiredness settling in, the idea of drawing for rooms was a welcomed distraction.

taesan held up the slips of paper and started pulling them one by one, reading the names aloud.

“room one, me of course” he grinned

“yah, get to it, we’re all tired punk” jaehyun threw a pillow at him

taesan laughed, “okay! okay!”

“room two, jae and jungwon.”

the two boys looked at each other, they nodded but this was their first ever interaction

“room three, moka and hanni,” taesan said, grinning as moka punched his shoulder lightly.

“luck!” hanni threw her arms up in victory as moka just sighed, already prepared for the chaos that would come.

“noo hanni..” you said faking crying, moka laughed at her

“room four, sungho and sunoo, five, woonhak and leehan, and lastly” taesan grinned

there was a brief moment of silence before riwoo’s gaze flickered toward you. he raised an eyebrow, a small smirk playing at the corner of his lips. “room six, sanghyeok and yn.”

“of course” woonhak said teasing

you rolled your eyes, unable to hide the smile tugging at your lips., “yeah yeahh, ynwoo is sharing a room, big deal!! im going to bed now”you said before walking into the room

riwoo following shortly after and leaning against the door frame, “you okay with us sharing a room?” riwoo asked, his voice teasing but soft.

you turned around, a confused expression on your face, “of course ri, why wouldn’t i be?” you said with a nonchalant shrug, though your heartbeat picked up slightly.

“because it’s only one bed, and we’re two people” he said, glancing over at her with a mischievous smirk.

“so? you’ve slept in my bed before” she said back, her voice casual, though the hint of tension lingered in the air.

“yeah but you weren’t in it” he let out a small laugh, clearly enjoying teasing you. “i’ll sleep on the floor okay?” he added

“ri, you dont have too” you said softly, your voice quiet but filled with concern

he looked at you, his expression softer now, “i want to, okay?” he said, a small smile tugging at his lips. “now, goodnight ynie.”

“goodnight ri..” you replied, your voice just as soft.

——

the sun poured gently through the thin curtains, casting soft patterns on the walls. you blinked awake, stretching lazily as her eyes adjusted to the light. a quick glance at the clock on the nightstand—11:03 a.m.

you sat up groggily, running a hand through your hair and yawning, completely forgetting the events of last night. still half-asleep, you swung your legs over the side of the bed—and froze.

you had forgotten riwoo was sleeping on the floor, you looked at him, his hair was messy, lips parted in sleep. his arm was tucked under his head, and he looked… peaceful..way too peaceful for someone who was sleeping on the floor

you tiptoed around him, careful not to step on him, you grabbed your bag and headed to the bathroom

“idiot,” you whispered, half amused

——

you walked into the kitchen, it was lively even though you all just slept a couple hours ago, some were eating, some were getting ready to leave, but then there was jaehyun who was spreaded across the cold floor

woonhak spotted you first, “oh good morning mrs.lee”

you rolled your eyes, “one night in the same room and suddenly im married to ri?”

“yeah, basically!” hanni teased, grinning wide. “did you at least sleep well?”

“i would’ve if my ‘husband’ didn’t sleep on the floor”

leehan laughed loudly, “you let him sleep on the floor?”

“he insisted!” you said

and it was like right on cue, riwoo wandered into the kitchen, his hair still messy like when she first saw him

“morning…” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes trying to wear off the sleepiness and without hesitation, his arms wrapped around you from behind, pulling you gently into his chest. his cheek rested lightly against her shoulder

the kitchen didn’t go silent, but it shifted.

you stood frozen for a second, heart racing. the warmth of his breath against her neck, and somehow… none of it felt awkward.

“you good?” you asked quietly, not turning around

“didnt like waking up alone,” he murmured, his voice still deep with sleep

you smiled apologetically “sorry” letting out a small laugh.

“anyway…..” taesan said stretching his arms, “we’re about to leave, join us when you feel like it”

“we probably wont today” riwoo said, “but we’ll be there for dinner”

“okay then, we’re heading out” jaehyun added, pushing himself off from the floor with a grunt, taesan and him starting heading out

you lean in closer to riwoo’s ear, “sleep on the bed next time.” you whispered

“yes ma’am” he murmured

——

tg: @pinkiwinkiminki @banez @oowir @viesin @nujeskz @torkorpse @coffee-addict-kitten @8makes1atom @tempewra @jungwonbropls @janjoonty @uncasings @lvlyhiyyih @tkooooop @quinnynation @addictedtoboba @letwiiparkjay @skibidihan @dobbiesvvorld @jvngw0nlvr @conwunder @imma-jiki @koocreampie @totalnieparksunghoon

reblogs and likes are always appreciated 🩵

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[python333]

HAI! i rlly like your platonic 141 fics and I'm wondering if we could get some more dad price and/or brother gaz sleepy cuddles? :3

stretched too thin — python333

— — — —

synopsis gaz notices you overworking yourself one night and decides to step in before you end up pulling an all-nighter.

relationships platonic!gaz & gn!reader.

characters gaz.

word count 2.05k

warnings 2nd person pov [you/yours/yourself], usage of pet names [love, darling], usage of c/n [code name/call sign].

note oh my god im so sorry i disappeared for like. a month. ill try my best to not be gone for more than a week at a time, but with all of my schoolwork and just over all stress ive been experiencing lately, i dont know if ill be able to get fics out every week :< ill try my best though! please accept this fic as an apology—its another big bro gaz one!! special shoutout to everyone else who has an older sibling thats very distant with them, you and me are in the same boat fr!! also, last thing—im thinking about making a discord server where i announce when fics are being written and published and stuff, but i dunno if yall would join or anything, so if u would pls lmk!!

You haven’t left your office in five hours. 

Recently—just about two days ago—you finished up an assignment fairly quickly and, as a result, had to write a detailed report of said assignment. It went over the mission you’d gone on, and listed off every major detail you could think of, though because you just can’t give yourself a break you were constantly thinking of other details you might’ve missed even though there was little chance you’d missed anything.

The mission wasn’t anything too important, honestly. It was originally going to be a week-long camp-out reconnaissance by an enemy task force’s base, obtaining information on their schedule and what they did throughout the day and whatnot. However, only a day into the mission, the small squad of soldiers that had accompanied you saw another small military group observing the same group you’d been observing.

So, naturally, you observed them as well. Aren’t you just the best multi-tasker?

The task force eventually found out about the other group, just a day later, while your squad was still in the clear to continue your observations. So, your mission had quickly come to a close—but, because of the circumstances under which the mission had come to a close, you were required to write an extremely detailed report on the other group and the group you’d been observing.

It would be an understatement to say you were tired. You’re exhausted.

Between the non-stop writing, the coffee sitting on your desk that’s been microwaved five times and has been refilled thrice, and the uncomfortable chair you’ve sat in that you have yet to replace, you’re extremely exhausted. Your movements are sluggish, your fingers aren’t as swift on the keyboard of your computer as they usually are, and worst of all—you still have more to write. 

Your eyes stung and felt dry, your hands felt like they were going to stop working completely at any moment, and you were overall just exhausted. 

You look over at the clock on your desk, and it reads 02:28 AM, indicating that you would only have about four hours to sleep if you went to bed now. I’m too far into this report to stop now, You tell yourself, sighing as you blink slowly at your computer screen, If only my vision didn’t keep getting blurry… 

Suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, and for a second you think you’re hallucinating until the knock sounds once more. 

Reluctantly, with a voice raspy from not using it almost all day, you call out, “Come in!” 

Your voice is softer and quieter than you’d like it to be, but it doesn’t matter too much to you at this moment—at least, not in your foggy mind that still begs you for sleep, even when you have far more of your report to finish. 

The door opens with a creak, and in walks Gaz. 

“Sarg,” He greets you, not bothering to close the door behind him as he walks up to your desk, “Pleasure to see you for the first time in, what… three days?” 

“Two days and eighteen hours,” You correct him, taking a moment to crack your stiff knuckles, not taking your eyes off of your monitor, “And you know you don’t have to call me ‘sarg’ or ‘sergeant’ or anything. We’re the same rank.” 

Gaz promptly ignores you, “Right, well, anything over a day is way too long for me to go without seeing you. Why’re you all cooped up in here on your computer?”

“‘Cause I need to write a report on my assignment,” You briefly explain, before lightly goading Gaz, “Not all of us need a shit ton of attention every day like you do.” 

“Ehh,” Gaz theatrically makes a thinking face, before shrugging, “Not sure what you mean by ‘us’, but alright.” 

“By ‘us’, I mean everyone but you.” 

“Surely that doesn’t include you, right?” 

“It does.” 

Gaz gasps quietly at your reply, before dramatically responding, “Oh, you can’t be serious.”

“I absolutely can,” You hum, finally taking your eyes off of your computer screen to look up at Gaz, “Is it so hard for you to believe that I don’t need to talk to you every waking hour?” 

“It is, actually,” Gaz scoffs, “Because I know that you do need to talk to me every waking hour.” 

“Uh, no I don’t,” You childishly argue, raising an eyebrow at Gaz.

“Uh, yes you do,” Gaz immaturely argues back, crossing his arms, “Look me in the eyes and tell me that the past two days and eighteen hours haven’t been shit because I haven’t given you any attention.”

You open your mouth to form a response but quickly close it, realizing that yeah, actually, I kind of do crave his attention. 

Fuck.

“You’re not the only person that gives me attention,” You point out, hoping to find some way to change the subject.

“Sure, but you like the attention I give you the most,” Gaz hums, leaning forward to rest his crossed arms on your desk opposite of where you sit.

“You don’t know that.”

“Then tell me that I’m wrong,” Gaz challenges you.

You narrow your eyes at him, glaring at him for a moment before sighing, “You suck.”

“Maybe I suck, but you look like you haven’t slept for the past week,” Gaz points out, “You look exhausted, by the way. And dehydrated. Actually, you just look like the human embodiment of a headache.” 

“What the fuck?” 

“I mean that in the most loving, non-offensive way possible.”

“You come into my office, accuse me of needing attention from you, then you insult me by calling me the human version of a headache?”

“It wasn’t an insult!” Gaz raises his hands in surrender, before sighing, “I’m being serious. You look dead, [c/n]. You need sleep.” 

“What I need is to finish this report,” You huff out, beginning to turn your attention back to your computer, before Gaz’s hand is quickly placed on your chin and forces you to look back at him. 

“No, what you need is some rest,” Gaz argues, more serious this time, taking his hand off of your chin—something you shouldn’t miss nearly as much as you do, the warmth of his hand fading far too quickly from your face—and bringing it back to rest on the desk. 

“Maybe you need rest, Gaz.”

“Sure I do,” He shrugs, “But I’m only going to sleep if you do.” 

You raise an eyebrow at him, “Really? You’re pulling that card?”

“I am.” 

You stare at him for a moment, mentally weighing your options, before sighing and bringing your elbows up to the table so that you can place your forehead in your hands.

On one hand, if you stay in your office you can finish up your report before four and then go to sleep, and hope that you magically feel active even with just an hour or two of sleep in the morning. On the other hand, if you go to sleep now, so does Gaz, and then you both get more than just two hours of sleep. 

After another moment of consideration, you huff out a frustrated breath and mutter, “Fine.” 

Gaz smiles down at you and walks around your desk to your side of it, holding out a hand for you to grab to help yourself up from your chair and using his free hand to save your report and power off your monitor. 

You take his hand and stand up, your legs a little weak and balance iffy from sitting down for so long, but within the next few minutes you’re sure you’ll be able to properly walk. You let go of his hand once you’re positive you won’t fall over, and once he sees that you’re able to walk, Gaz silently walks towards the door of your office. Just as quietly, you follow him. 

He turns off the lights for you and lets you walk out of the office first, locking the door from the inside and closing it once you’re out. Once he’s done, he takes the lead again and you follow him down to his sleeping quarters. It’s not too long of a walk there, only two minutes at most.

Once you’re there, Gaz opens the door and lets you walk in first. Once you’re inside and Gaz has closed the door, you shrug off your camouflage patterned jacket and toe off your already loosened tan boots, leaving you in just your camouflage cargo pants and army green undershirt.

You look down at your pants with a frown, knowing from experience that sleeping in them was incredibly uncomfortable and left you regretting your whole existence the morning after, but before you could even look over at Gaz to tell him of your situation, you felt something being thrown at you. 

You immediately turn your attention to the item that had been hurled at you—the item in question being a pair of gray sweatpants, some that would probably be a little bit looser than you’d prefer on your figure—and then look over at Gaz with a questioning look. 

“Figured you wouldn’t wanna sleep in that,” Gaz shrugs, nodding to your cargo pants in response to your nonverbal confusion. 

You hum in appreciation, not wanting to talk too much at the moment, instead waiting for Gaz to look away before slipping off your pants and replacing them with the sweatpants Gaz had thrown at you. The fit isn’t as uncomfortable as you thought they’d be—they’re loose and hang low on your hips, just like you thought they would, of course, but they don’t feel nearly as weird as you thought they would.

Once you’ve tightened the strings on the waist of the pants, you get into Gaz’s bed, pulling the covers up and over yourself. Gaz quickly settles into the bed next to you, quickly getting himself comfortable under the sheets, and pulling the covers up and over his shoulders in one swift movement.

He gets closer to you, so close that his chest presses against your back and you can feel the tip of his nose ghosting over the top of your head. He wraps one arm over your body to pull you impossibly closer to him, and his other arm snakes underneath the side of your body so that both of his arms are wrapped around you.

He hums contently and his thumb rubs small circles into your clothed stomach, the action—despite being small—causing your stomach to warm up almost immediately. 

“Comfortable, darling?” Gaz asks quietly, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head. 

“Very,” You mumble back, trying to subtly lean your head back against Gaz in hopes of getting at least one more kiss. Noticing your efforts, he huffs out a small laugh and presses another gentle kiss right at the edge of your hairline before pressing one last one to your forehead. 

Even with the comforting atmosphere, you can’t find it within yourself to fully relax, your body still tense and stiff underneath the blanket. Gaz, just like he did with your “subtle” movements, notices and frowns. 

“Just sleep,” Gaz tiredly mumbles into the top of your head, “You have to get up in three hours. The sooner you sleep, the more sleep you get.” 

You don’t respond, instead simply sighing and forcing your eyes closed. You do have to admit, it’s nice being able to actually close your eyes for something other than blinking, and closing your eyes for longer than half a second has made you realize that they were even drier than you thought they were. 

Exhausted and ready to finally sleep, you eventually get to a point where you no longer need to force your eyes shut, and as a result, your whole body relaxes for the first time in almost six hours. 

“G’night, love,” Gaz murmurs, feeling your body relax next to his. You hum in acknowledgment of his words, not finding the energy within yourself to properly respond, instead finding yourself drifting off into a deep sleep. 

And if four hours later, Gaz wakes up and simply lies there, not waking you and instead letting you get some more sleep despite you having to be up soon, nobody has to know.

[cokoweee]

SOME SHIT IS HAPPENING AND I DONT KNOW IF IM READY.

I feel like

There's a lot.. going on

I was wondering if the the sais in her nightmare was some sort of symbolic call out from Raph. If she did get infected, and it's consuming at her, making her sick (and who knows what else), maybe Raph through the connection, the ninpo, whatever, since he also suffered from something similar, is trying to reach out? Even if he's already dead, his ghost has gave Kendra words of aid before. Maybe something similar will happen, or something different, or maybe I'm way off.

I'm still debating when she could've gotten infected. During the chase with bishop? Was it big mama?

And my heart

Goes to them. Kendra and Donnie.

I feel like, she really doesn't want to deal with more bullshit. She's already sick, tired, probably scared of not knowing (or knowing) what is happening to her body. And to deal with her emotional baggage on top of all that sounds beyond exhausting.

She remembers. She's probably embarrassed about it.

She doesn't have the words or the energy to explain herself out. So it's better act like nothing happened.

But of course in the process it only confuses Donnie more. If he was considering opening up after all that, he'll probably reconsider and take two steps back. Safe himself from rejection, since he doesn't know where her feelings land.

Please be kind to yourself!

Even if you consider this a 'quality drop' I see nothing but effort and so much more than just a few panels put into this. If purple delusions is still in your best interest, continue it at your own pace.

Sorry for the long ask.

The pickle jars in y’all’s brains are starting to get flavored🤓🤓🤓 like dude ya remembered how Raph bit the dust that’s top notch memory right there fuck yeah

She has been put through the fucking paper shredder seven bajillion times. Girlypop is like one more issue away from blowing up like Shelldon did

[joenhead]

im gnna go to bed but i need the ppl to know that when i say qpr solbin to me they have never formally decided this

there have been multiple points throughout their lives together where they establish “youre my partner in every sense of the word” without ever actively labeling it and then promptly continue on with their day. like at some point in their early 20s they realize “hmmm this best friendism i see about,,,seems different than what we have”and then never elaborate any further. theyre each others emergency contact they know all their medical info their schedules make them miss each other and when they can they prefer to spend their time together because really they dont want or need anything else they both intend on spending the rest of their lives together until woops! time to save the world ????

so to me, they both understand that whatever they have is mutual and neither platonic nor romantic but they both had jobs so they dont rlly care abt labeling that rn … and then theyre trynna save the world so they dont rlly care abt that rn .. they just have this secret third thing and its nice

it is rlly confusing to everyone else tho. to many it kind of just seems like both sol and albin have one sided crushes on each other. like wow sol really talks a lot about how cool albin is so hes prolly crushing but albin doesnt seem to notice or care (they base this off albins sallow tired exhausted face which is just how he looks). and for albin theyre like oh man albin is totally crushing on sol hes the only guy he ever hangs out with too bad sols super out of his league. and its so funny cuz albin and sol r non the wiser to ppl thinking these things sol is knitting albin another scarf and albin doesnt have it in him to tell sol go stop because he has more scarfs than he knows what to do with but sol seems really happy so whatever who cares if its summer he cant get anymore miserable.

and yes albin does have a lucky tie AND a lucky scarf and yes both are gifts from sol sorry i DO make the rules and this is what ive decided they plague my mind 24/7 its only fair i get this please dont take this from me i have so little…

anyways yea theyre partners but like only if u ask them cuz otherwise theyre not gnna talk about it theyre just going to be clingy protective and overly complimentary to each other

[juli19varez]

Sur...prise? | Alejandro Balde X Reader

summary: alejandro tried to do a surprise to you, but... well.

warnings: fem!reader, attempt to make it funny, reader described to be overworked (not too explicitly), fluff.

author's note: this was a request but my app excluded all of a sudden 😭 anyways, really liked that request and i made it a little more longer than i wanted (still good i swear) hope you like it and sorry for any mistakes <3 (requests open)

it was almost midnight, you were still studying on your dorm for your next exams, almost sleeping on your books, when you heard a knock on the door. confused and exhausted, you got up to see who was there at such a time. when you opened the door, you could see alejandro smiling, while carrying some bags with him, your eyes widened.

"ale, what the hell are you doing here?!" you said whispering. you knew the rules of the dorm very well. no one from the men's dorms could go to the women's dorms after ten o'clock.

alejandro grinned, entering your room. "i was bored, so i was thinking 'why not go visit mi princesa preciosa?' and here i am!" he said proudly, putting the bags on your desk.

you sighed closing the door, approaching him quickly. "you know the rules here and how much this is dangerous! are you crazy?" you whispered, touching his chest. ale looked down, smirking. "maybe i am, but it was worth the risk," he whispered, giving a little peck at your lips, making you blush.

ale smiled, taking your hand. "come on, i bought you presents, dont be mad at me" he pouted giving you puppy eyes, you shook your head in disbelief. ale pulled you closer, hugging you.

"okay, I'm sorry, that must be some stress because of the finals." you sighed, hugging him back tightly. he stroked your hair, nodding.

"I know that, that's why I'm here." you looked at him confused as he goes to grab the bags again, handing them to you. "open up!" opening the bags, you saw a stuffed animal, and the other, some chocolates.

"I know how stressed you get with these things and overwork yourself, and i cant be by your side all the time, so I bought that bear so you could use some company, he's even using my perfume!" he pointed, looking happy. "and the chocolates... well, you love chocolate."

you smiled, looking at him happily. "you're literally the best boyfriend ever!" he chuckled as you started to kiss all his face, hugging him like a koala. "wow, you really do love me, hm?" you nodded, feeling his arms around you.

"uhm... we just have one problem..." ale hid his face on the crook of your neck. you murmured telling him to continue. "i can't get back to my dorm right now, you know? and im really tired right now... and you need to rest a little, dont you think?"

you tried to say something to complain, but knew he was right, it was almost impossible to leave the building while the guards were everywhere, and wouldn't be a bad idea to sleep together after so much time studying. you nodded, leading him to your bed. "just this time, you troublemaker, don't get used to it." he laid beside you, babbling something you didn't really paid attention, too focused turning the lights on your side off.

you turned to face him, smiling at his sleepy face. "good night, amor" he kissed your nose, hugging you by the waist, resting his head on the top of yours. "good night, preciosa."

8:00am. you heard someone knocking on your door again, you tried to get up, but alejandro was hugging you tight, it made you smile. when you were about to get back to sleep, you heard someone outside.

"y/n!!! you promised to us that we would study together this morning! open up, girl!" your eyes widened realizing it was your friends, you whispered a 'holy shit' when you glanced back to ale, who was still sleeping peacefully by your side.

"u-uhm... one second!!! im... im in the bathroom!" you said back, trying to wake alejandro up. "please, wake up amor" you begged, and finally he opened his eyes, stretching himself and smiling tired. "good morn-"

"no time for it!! hide in the bathroom, right now" you whisper shouting to him, amost pushing him inside there. he looked so confused that made you feel bad, you murmured 'sorry' for him all the time while he just chuckled. "I'll explain later, just don't make any sound until i open the door again." he nodded, and you headed to the girls, still knocking on the door.

"why did you take so long?" "sorry, i was going to take a shower, and then you two appeared." you smiled awkwardly, trying to hide your nervousness. you took a little look até the gifts of the last night, at the same time your friends did. oh no.

"OMG! who gave you this?! this is so cute!!!" they screamed in awe, looking at the heart shaped box with chocolates.

"i-i.... uhm, someone not really important! just a... guy i know..." you grabbed the bear and the box quickly, putting them behind you. "ooh, come on! tell the truth."

"i-it was a guy i met sometime ago... i like h-him, you know?" you said shyly, feeling your cheeks burning, the two girls continued to say how cute and romantic that was. you interrupted them to make some bad excuse to cancel your plans, and they left.

you sighed in relief, hearing the bathroom door crack. "so... you like me?" alejandro hugged you from behind, kissing your red cheek. you laughed, pulling him off. "shut up!"

[oshidorifuufu]

just a rant, i guess (๑･̑◡･̑) tw: suicide

life plan: get too silly by atleast 30

i want a nice funeral, i want white roses (do those exist?), i want people who i guess care about me (probably imaginary, nobody cares for me) to cry, they should mourn me as if i was an angel, i should become a real one…

they’d have talk of how i’d died too young, how i was a good soul(?) (its all lies), how i had such a bright future (it got dull over time), i would have the spotlight, for one day at least..

i want to maybe find a nice bridge to jump from, or a pretty rope laced with flowers, or an adorable gun (though guns are sort of scary)

i dont really feel anything. i feel hopeless, what if my effort is for nothing? what if the idea of a better future that i clang onto isn’t real? the world will be fucked today, and the world will be fucked tomorrow

i’m fucked too, i’m a pessimist, someone recently told me “it sounds like everyone is tired of trying to keep you happy”, and that shit fucking hurts but damn they’re right! i dont deserve to live! when have i ever made a truly significant positive impact on someone? i exhaust, i burn people out and when i think i deserve to die for it im becoming even more pessimistic for thinking that way so i exhaust them more!

whaat am i supposed to do in this cycle?

im confused, im scared and anxious, what if theres no hope. i dont even know if i want comfort. my craving for love and attention and praise has grown and grown but at least for now its like. it wont ever be enough. it doesnt matter, i wont ever have ‘enough’ of it. i’m not truly loveable in this state

i dont want to be pitied, i dont want to be hated, i dont want to be mentally ill, i dont want to be anything

id like to go back to being stardust

[unheavenlybody]

incoherent bday ramblings ig xx

i've been trying to look forward to my bday next weekend but every night while im trying to go to sleep i get hit with this wave of dread and sadness. like girl why am i having heart palpitations and breathing problems over a BIRTHDAAAYY who tf caresss. i really wanted this year to be different but my birthday always sends me spiraling into anxiety and then a deep depression LMAO i rly thought i could willpower my way out of this.

it's so silly bc it's just an arbitrary day and all of the circumstances that end up making me feel anxious or depressed exist year-round sooo why am i doing this to myself!!! ofc it's the reminder of time passing by that is getting to me. i can't help feeling like my youth is slipping away and that i'm a sorry excuse for an 'adult' bc i'm so behind other people my age. so behind ppl i went to school with :DDD, not at all the adult my parents hoped i would be... i feel like a worthless waste of space lmaaoo and angry with myself for not just being more competent and driven and better. it's so hard to shake the self loathing it legit consumes me. most days i have to force myself to remain distracted and apathetic towards everything just to make it through in one piece. i want to remember what it feels like to be excited and full of energy and passionate about something. ig when events like my bday come around all the suppressed emotions just come bursting out. sorry i whine about that general sentiment a lot and ik its not cOoL anymore to feel like you're losing your youth in your 20s but whatever <33333 cuz how theeee literal fuck am i turning 24? maybe ppl would be more sympathetic of me being a human disaster at 20 but at 24... the expectations are ramping up.

im supposed to be hanging out with a friend next saturday and my sister sunday. it's taking every ounce of effort not to cancel... i thought that making plans would help me feel better since i've spent most past bdays home alone and hated it. but the anticipation is killing me!!! it's exhausting fr, the way that i cannot allow myself to enjoy anything properly :). when it comes to my sister and friend it's this confusing mix of missing them so much and desperately wanting to be with them, since i see them pretty rarely, but then when the time finally approaches for us to hang out i have to absolutely force myself to do it.

ik it's kind of a meme to not want 'to be perceived,' but i genuinely do not want to perceived lol. i dont want anyone to witness me even tho i am lonely. sure we'll laugh and probably have a pretty good time, but it will still be tainted by this nagging feeling that i am not good enough, and by the reminder that it'll probably be months before we spend time together again. that we'll never have the kind of closeness that i want, and maybe if i was better i would be deserving of that closeness with someone. life is so incredibly lonely okay i'm just tired of it all. i know another person can't fix you but i just want to feel connected to someone and to feel secure and safe and comforted. i don't want to be my own best friend. im tired of floating through each day feeling as if i barely exist :)))) i guess spending time with people that i love and who are supposed to love me just reminds me that i have never felt that way secure or loved by anyone and idek if i'm capable of it hHA

[scatterplot-official]

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

54. Favourite store?

55. Favourite blog?

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

75. Favourite animal?

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

90. Name a person you love?

100. How are you feeling?

116. Are you listening to music right now?

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

119. Favourite book?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

(If these are too many than just pick whichever ones you want to answer ^^)

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

The sea! My dad lived in Florida as a kid and had an official suba license when he was 12! I really wanna see all the cool things he has.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black, it was for a marching band competition I was in (We won 1st in parade!)

54. Favourite store?

There's a bookstore in town I adore, I got my moth encyclopedia there.

55. Favourite blog?

Everyone in my pinned 🫶

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Marching! Thats the only one I can remember though there may be more.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Currently yes, Im having very confusing problems rn with my Irls. ily 5ever random, theyre my only irl who isnt being weird rn.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Yes! Rn I have Reginald the duck, Cathathy the Cuthulu, Bennedict the Bee, Barbie the possum and Holidog the Holiday World mascot.

75. Favourite animal?

My ouppies! Also snakes and kitties and bats and dinos and hyeenas.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Vanilla, but I dont really like icecream all that much.

90. Name a person you love?

My aunt 🫶Shes on my side no matter what and Im her favourite nephew.

100. How are you feeling?

Very tired. A lot has happened recently and its so exhausting.

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yep! 8 Graves, Bored to Death

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Very rarely. Im very picky about chicken but I love soup.

119. Favourite book?

Negative Space - B.R. Yeager (I ordered his other two books im very excited)

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Victim To The Sands Of Time, Hourglass, Set It Off (Im getting it tattooed)

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

(bc i linked the songs too)

[sukirichi]

Aaaaaaaa sukiiiiiii why you do this to meeeee 😭😭

Brain mush, im very exhausted so im sorry if ill rant dhdhajdjs

The whole rin diary part - sparked lots of joy 🥺🥺🥺

This part right after

This does not spark joy 😒 like really? really? After we kept admitting we still love rin even while being with omi we go ahead and say that? Especially after reading the damn diary... Really?

This update made my heart shatter for our dearly idiot rin even more.. He keeps thinking we just... Wont love him if we know who he really when (jokes on him we do know) and it just.. It really breaks me

The fact he truly looks that low on himself to the point he believes we are with him just cause hes a prince and if he never was we wouldnt even notice him... Bruh i just.. I want to hug him.. Royal life truly shattered him mentally to the point he has no self esteem uh..

This part tho caught my attention:

He keeps trying to push us away but perhaps cause he's noticeable tired, I mean its described at o e point that he has dark circles under his eyes, what i believe its because hes been sleeping on the couch or something because he refuses to sleep in the same bed as iris (since he did kinda hinted that she had the bed all to herself). And perhaps thanks to him being exhausted he just cant stop himself fron letting little truths come out, he didnt even seem to notice it while we truly did.

Im still disappointed? Bitter? Ahahahha that the baby is staying dhshshhdhoas he's our hubby man i dont want him to be having some other bitch's baby when neither he or she wanted it 🙃 like please just do something good for the story iris and go ahead and lose it 🤣🤣 at this point only the queen will be pissed and we love that royal bitch pissed 🤣🤣

Sorry i wanted to give a better review but damn my job has been killing me ahahahah thank you so much for another update tho, these even tho they kill me 🤡 in a way always cheer me up and make me having something to look forward for.

Also yes kuroooooo destroy the bitchhhhh ahahhaha

the rin diary part!! man I remember having to like sit down for a long time just so I could use the perfect words LIKE WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ITS HARD TO BE POETIC LMFAO. not that it DID become poetic but it was the best I could pull out of my ass lmaoooo. omg okay I get that it doesn’t spark joy but hear me out!! at that point we’d already fallen for kiyoomi and yknow like… we already know that rintaro hasn’t been that good anyway, and we’re finally choosing what’s right, what’s BETTER (because dtd!yn has always been a character who will most likely end up doing what she thought was right and its really hard to change her mind lol but it’s just!! a matter of what feels right in that moment!!) and in that moment choosing kiyoomi and finally accepting that he has feelings for us felt like the right one! and the diary you know, it really is confusing cuz like – WE LITERALLY HAD JUST BEGUN OUR THING WITH KIYOOMI AND EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL then we see that our husband has always been secretly writing his feelings about us LIKE THE TIMING HONESTLY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE LOL

oh yeah… rin’s inferiority complex has just completely gotten worse because all his insecurities have gone from ten to a hundred. like he somehow always felt like he wasn’t good enough but to know that he was never a prince?! my boy needs therapy. and yes omg that part!! I know during the scene where he kicked us out our room was trying to imply that he wants to share the same bed as iris but naur!! my boy rin won’t even touch her within a ten foot pole in that moment, he just stays on the couch and can barely sleep because he sent us to belleview manor of all places. I just know he stayed up all night thinking about what we’re doing with kiyoomi and well… his imaginations are right because we’re making out with him lol. LMAOOOO I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THE BABY I think its bcos iris has been off-screen for such a while now that lowkey I forgot she and the queen existed (in other terms I’m just too excited to write about runaway rin and yn!! and I’m such a pea brain lol)

also no omg!! I hope you’re getting some rest and a well-deserved break though! and thank you so muchhh IM SO HAPPY YOU’RE ENJOYING DTD HEHEHEHE as always I appreciate you for showing so much love and I’m sending you more back!! <33

[stayxlix]

AYY MOOTERS ON MOOTERS THEY KNOW HOW TO MOOT! TUTTER PULLING TO THE PARTY IN MY CRAZY PINK WIG!!!! BEST WRITER? BEST WRITER? BEEN A FAN SINCE PART ONE!

I was getting beaten to lunacy, depression, delusion, confusion even. I got the 1st grade knowledge beat out of me with this one, i couldnt count for a sec. My vision got all blurry, thought this was chapter 17 for a minute there👹

Bitch, out the gate you be coming in HARD. You know how to set the mood, I get scared for their asses! It feels like being on drugs or something (though i aint never been on drugs, but this is how i imagine it feels like👀) I visualize like I ain't ever visualized before, put on some music reading this at night, DAYUM🛐‼️

I reread this tasty ass story atleast once every week. It's tradition at this point.

1."The physical contact was grounding—you were grounding. A lifeline anchoring Felix to the reality he so desperately needed to return to." This fucked me up😪 So beautifully written!

2. "How he'd transformed from someone potentially willing to end your life, to someone committed to protecting it at all costs." Had to pause, take a breather, and look out my window to reflect on who I am as a person, then keep reading. Absolutely Precious.

3. "Some day," he dropped his voice, "When all of this is over, I'm going to carry you back into that palace." His lips found the curve of your jaw, trailing a heated path down. "I'm going to take my time with you, princess," he nipped at the sensitive skin on your neck, causing your core to flutter with anticipation. "And then," he whispered, "I'm going to lay the world at your feet." I was hyperventilating baby I couldn't breath for shit reading this 👀

4. "Minho sighed in annoyance, as if holding a conversation with you was some sort of burden. “I didn’t want to discuss it with the others,” he snapped." TIRED, TIRED OF THE WAY HE TREATS ME. (Jk lol I get his stress but chill out, damn.)

5. "You were always mine," Felix breathed, "before we met, before all of this, you were never their princess," he leaned in, pressing his lips to your forehead. "You were always mine.” I had to stop reading and get some water, my throat dried out.

6.“You can’t,” Felix emphasized. A distant look clouded his eyes, a flash of whatever it was that had crossed his features after the nightmare seemed to resurface. “You grew up with servants to meet your needs while the rest of us bled for every scrap of food and warmth. You can’t understand, y/n. And even if you could, it won't change who I am or what I've done. The blood on my hands will never wash away.” This is where the problem occurs. Cuz what are you implying? You ate this part so much you gotta be locked away like that one song. 🗣 IM LOCKED UP THEY WONT OUT, THEY WONT LET ME OUT IM LOCKED UP🗣

7. "Go collect your friend," the man waved a hand at the door, "I will shelter you for the night. You're young, exhausted, and it looks like you've been through quite a lot." I LOVE HIM ALREADY DAMMIT

8. You knew this would not last forever with him. Nothing ever does. And you wondered if you will ever be able to accept that, even when you no longer have a choice. But in that moment, Felix was there. You extended a hand, and he was warm. He was real, and he felt more like home than anything ever had. You loved him too, and it was a feeling you did not dare let go." MY HEART! RIPPED OUT MY CHEST! I CANT BREATH! IM SOBBING!IM DEVASTATED.

IM FEELING LIKE IM ON THE LAST BITE OF MAC AND CHEESE ON THANKSGIVING, IM GUTTED, I DONT WANT IT TO BE OVER!!

But as always, let me calm down and get a lil sensitive. I love you my pookie bear❤️✨️

Your adding some good into my world with this story that i really need. Its like the same day everyday for me, then out of the blue, you pop up and you give me something to look forward to.

Like most people, there's lots of things I need to be distracted from, and you do just that for awhile❤️ I appreciate this lil story more then you could know, and I always get SO happy seeing you posted a new chapter. I can tell how much passion and effort you put into this story, and I applaud you for that🫶❤️ Take your time, take care of yourself, and feel no pressure on when you need to put a new chapter out, YOU should always come first❤️ -👹

hihi my spicy little👹💕once again, i truly have no words for how thoughtful and sweet all of this is. im so grateful to have you with me on this journey (since part one, day ONE) and im so glad its been able to keep your interest after all these months.<3

"got the 1st grade knowledge beat out of me" literally had me CACKLING please!!😭✋ your excitement and the photos you send (which are hilarious too btw) always have me grinning from ear to ear. i swear my favorite part of reading feedback from you is that i will NEVER be able to predict whats coming next.😂 seriously though, im so glad youve been able to immerse yourself in the story like this (if we're being honest i definitely lose touch with reality a little bit when i get lost in writing it lol) but im so touched that it could evoke such a response in you too. (ps "i reread this tasty ass story atleast once every week. It's tradition at this point" might just be one of my favorite compliments ive EVER received about my writing. this is literally one of the nicest things you can tell someone who writes imo🥹).

MY HEART! RIPPED OUT MY CHEST! I CANT BREATH! IM SOBBING!IM DEVASTATED

(okay but why is this literally me reading any of your asks) this was also one of the most fun parts of the chapter to write omg. i love writing the end of a chapter so much that sometimes its the first thing i do.🤭

the detailed journey through each little part of the story that you go through in your asks always leaves me on cloud nine.!!! i love this so so much, i swear it does not get any better than when someone quotes the story back to me.<33 so thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share your thoughts on these specific moments. i loved reading every. single. one.💕

Had to pause, take a breather, and look out my window to reflect on who I am as a person I was hyperventilating baby I couldn't breath for shit reading this 👀 I had to stop reading and get some water, my throat dried out.

(also btw if it makes you feel any better i had a similar reaction to ALL of these after i typed them out. felix really does things to me, i probably need an intervention or some shit but here we are.🥹)

knowing that this story adds a touch of goodness to your world means more to me than i can ever express. :( im sorry to hear that you’ve got some challenges to face, but like you said i know we all do from time to time, so im just forever grateful that my writing can provide a little distraction for you in the midst of the everyday chaos.<3 (ps. if things ever get too rough, you know where to find me!!❤️)

okay okay i’m cutting myself off here, but i really do appreciate the little reminders to take my time and prioritize self-care too.<3 the way you express yourself is so unique, please never change. i love that you’re as insane and unhinged about this story as i am.🥹 as always thank you so much for the continued support, it is more appreciated than you could ever know.🤗💕

[swampwart]

its only been two hours!

if i dont bog myself down with work, i think of you

i cannot escape you, oh i really really dont want to

i wish that dream was real i wish it was fucking real

i cant forgot how you kissed me

i wish you kissed me

i love your lips, i miss when you'd stare at mine wheneber we spoke

i want you back and im so deeply ashamed about this

this is not what i thought it would be

breaking up was suppose to get rid of all these feelings

but now.i feel all of them, just without having you

i cannot have you in my heart like this

i cannot keep ranting to you in brain about jow horrible my emotional life is and how badly i just want to reach over, hold me, rub my spine again and tell me its all going to be okay with such raw confidence it was like god told you or something

ive never dreamed about anyone before, not even him

but you have entered my escape so vividly and in such detail i cannot ignore it

it tricks me into thinking its real life

like you were actually upset i ever made a joke about taking another man's name and you wrapped your arms around me when i told you w out prompt i was only jokinh

in my dream that didnt reassure you either

you asked me "are you crushing on anyone else right now?" and i giggled and said "noo" w a knowing eye and you got nervous and looked to the side and forced out a laugh "noo thats not okay, we need to find you someone" then you took me by the wrist and had me speak to a guy

all i could do was watch you while you laughed at everything he said, and i think i was just happy i was with you

(he didnt even have a face, yet i could see the peak of your cheekbone that causes the depression beneath your eye)

later on i went home w a beautiful girl, tough and thick in every aspect, in a sick way i cannot deny het beauty

she was into me, i think we wanted this to go somewhere,, her friend had set us up and were hung out alone in rug covered room with a mirror and magical beads,, and she spoke with a tough sarcasm that ive gotten used to over the years, i dont think i looked at her long

then you came in, light in your weight and smiling lile ive never seen. Im use to this i think, but something hurt inside so far down and so unimportantly, i just focused on that you were happy. And you began to recount to me the tome you had, laughing the whole time, and i asked you "are you drunk" and in your beautiful, biteless irony you said "nooo maybe judt a little champagne" and we laugjed anf i was so happy to be wuth you, giggling in out own language rven thoigh i hear you speak this way with everyone. In dream and now, shamefully for my own comfort, i will believe it is special when you do it with me

and you held my hand and played with my fingers while you pattered on, and swinging your head this way and that, and in a moments confusion we forgot who we were and you kissed me.

That moment convinced me this dream was real. Your lips left a session on mine that felt so real. I know i felt pressure, i know i did. At that moment,i was convinced it was because we really did kiss. Now i know itd because our last kiss, whenbeer that was, has not left my lips this whole time. That kiss we had, whenvef that was, has traveled through time and told me we are still in embrace.

i was left in a daze after that, and i heard you gasp and laugh and say "oh i forgot!" and take hold of my second hand. But i stared off, with a dopey smile growing all over my face. Thid whole dream I've felt so tired, my eyebags leading the way. But that kiss sparked rhe rest of my physical existence, and golden light rippled along my skin, into my brain, and swayed its way across my eyes. I heard angels singing, the muses, everything that comes witj a golden kiss. I was so happy. And i agreed with you and said "dont worry about it,"

latter on, the girl saw us and was less than impressed. You were layed across your back (your hair was parted in the most stunning way) and playing with my fingers. My exhaustion was back, but it did not matter to me when i was with you. And she asked what my boyfriend was doing here, and i told her "its complicated" while focused entirely on you playing with my hands.

And she told me she doesnt do cheaters, and i told her dont worry about it. I said before you walked into the room i had a boyfriend, so she assumed it was you. I told her "this isnt him," and it confused her more. She sat down and began to do her make up and in a distance, maybe even hurt, but still open manner. And i turned my attention away for a while, sadly my back to you, and i asked her if she knew what polyamory is. And she adjusted in her seat, squinting her eyes as she tried to think, then we spoke at the same time, it isn't / is it, "what the mormans do." I told her that was paligamy and involed religion and stuff we didn't jave here. She nodded along, confused, partly wanting to understand and partly wanting to leave, and i was fine with that.

Then i think someone walked in for you. I think it was him. And then you were gone. You where gone snd i think my dreamself felt there was no point to remember the dream anymore. Now ive woken up, sad, confused, happy, and feeling so stupid.

i cant decide if i want all of this to be real or not. I do, hell i want you so bad, its such a deep seeded need in me, i dont know what to do. But what the hell am i doing. what the hell am i doing. I have a boyfriend, but shit i think its getting rocky. Im makinh mistakes, he is too. And im so scared. And i just want comfort. Like a child i just want to be held and told itsnall going to be okay. And everytime i think about it, im always telling you. Im always telling you.

i miss you so much, i miss you more than anything

[bbarican]

september 17, 2023; 9:36 am - aftermath

full disclosure - i think im having some sort of breakdown (nothing too serious, just me being the highly emotional person that i am) so these updates are very detailed and some might think are too dramatic so read at your own will

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this weekend was really and genuinely one of the best - i had my officemates over and narealize ko na thankfully they really are my friends too

we ate alot and drank and swam for so long and laughed so loud our throats ended up aching the next day and we watched movies and cuddled up all together in my living room and it was just fun and laid back even though we were so noisy kasi nga we were enjoying so much

and yesterday the sun was out and it felt like it was summer and we were all just lounging around the pool and my heart was so happy

pero the moment we started talking about love and yung mga love life ng mga officemates ko, i felt sad tapos pair that up pa with the fact nga na they were already heading home a few hours after that conversation so parang it was super heavy bigla

kasi everyone got quiet kasi everyone was tired tapos yun pa topic namin so parang on my end it was just really heavy sa heart ko especially with how happy we were nga the night and morning before

on top of that, apparently (this came from jamee [girl ofc besties] who actually talked to and confirmed from pat [guy ofc mate]) pat likes me as in hes into thick girls daw so parang ang weird lang for me to experience it in person kasi after the girls and i talked about how pat likes me nga, ang halata tuloy cause of his actions like getting food for me and always wanting to be by my side and when we were in the living room, nakahiga na siya, pero when i asked for ice cream from janna, he literally stood up and told me na siya na daw kukuha ng ice cream for me like wtf

and now im so confused kasi i just really dont know what to feel about it and i dont know if i want to think about it either way cause i know he isnt my type physically

so at the end of the day, here i am, crying my heart and eyes out as in kaninang umaga pa ko umiiyak kasi 1.) im grieving the weekend and how its almost over, 2.) im tired but super thankful kasi im really happy din talaga with how friday went, but 3.) love

love is confusing and i am exhausted and i wish i wasnt stuck in my daydreams to feel loved and to feel in love

but since ive dumped everything here, i can finally let go of all of these feelings and just enjoy my sunday before going back to work for another busy week

happy sunday, tumblr. thank you to those who really take their time to read my updates.

[just-nothing-forever]

4th KAP session, this one was super confusing and conflicting and my thoughts were everywhere yet nowhere so im gonna try to sort it out. There was definitely a theme; relationships/social interactions.

It kinda started off with me thinking about my two closest friends; E and T. Ive always been jealous of T and his ability to make new friends, but ive also seen how much he's been hurt by said friends, and maybe thats why im hesitant with forming new relationships. I dont want to put in effort for it to be for nothing, to be constantly giving without receiving anything. Yet I'm also afraid to be vulnerable/rely on people. I want to be strong, yet im also so very weak. I think back on 2 other close friendships ive hard that are no longer. My first love, my first true best friend, and everything i did for him and he did for me, how i hurt when he was hurt. I still think about him a lot, and i can't rely fathom why. It brings me to think of my 2nd best friend, J, but I don't think of them nearly as often even though i really loved them too. And i dont know why. Maybe because they hurt me so badly, by kicking me out of our house, which sent me into a spiraling depression that i still dont think im completely out of. But the same thing happened with G when we broke up. So why do i think more about G than J? its strange, and then the whole other can of worms with E. They keep wanting me to open up to them, but i have this fear? that if i do, their feelings will just become stronger for me? And Im scared of how strong their feelings are for me. I wonder if i would feel the same if they'd never told me they have romantic feelings for me. Is that the whole problem? Would i be more open with them? more vulnerable? im not sure. Im starting to compare my relationship with J to them. J was my best friend for a while, and while E is probably my closest friend now, ive never considered them a best friend. When living with J, I would frequent the living room, enjoyed just spending time together. Now living with E, I stay in my room most of the time, even tho the couch would probably be a lot more comfortable. I still enjoy their company, but its also exhausting to me. With J i never had to force myself to hang out, but with E they always wanna be around me and sometimes i make plans just so they're happy even if i dont want to. Hm, thinking now, maybe its because J also had other people in their life they could go to and hang out with. E only has 1 other close friend who lives far. So i fear theyre too dependent on me. And it scares me?? theyve told me before im their favorite person, and i just cant be that for them.

I want to be the one people rely on, but it's so overwhelming at the same time. I want to protect, i want to care for others, but sometimes i get so tired. Like with T, i want to be there for him, I know he's struggling, but it seems like he always is. And no matter what I do, its never enough. And i run myself thin. The thing is tho is he's been there for me through some dark places too, so its not just a give give give relationship. but its still just so exhausting, at least right now. And maybe that's the thing is that im just not emotionally vacant at the moment. We made plans to hang out this week, and ive been trying to hang out with other friends too, but i honestly would rather have the time to myself. Its such a weird feeling; wanting to be alone yet also feeling so lonely. To want to make new friends yet also not wanting to put in the effort.

My therapist said i should try to think of things outside of the binary. the example they used was someone believing their whole life that they're smart, but then they get a failing grade and their belief is that they're stupid now. I need to stop seeing things as black and white, try to find the gray areas.

Everything is just so confusing and contradicting in my thoughts. The next couple days Im just gonna try to blog as much as i can, even if the words/thoughts are just nonsense. maybe eventually they'll start to make sense.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i cant talk to you right now - im angry at you. if you hadnt given me poor advice i wouldnt be in this situation right now, broke and traumatised.

i guess that anger is god teaching me to listen to my own intuition over everything else.

i just want to cry and sleep. like thats the extent of my bodys capabilities right now. just cry and sleep...

i tried to make myself a nice lunch. it was shit. i actually tried! and it was shit. its always when you make an effort.

i cleaned the bathroom but for some reason it didnt work. everything was still dusty, i was just spreading the dirt around. and already the sink is covered in stains again. why dont any of you respect the work i put into it?

i wash my car, its dirty again.

i go to work, my bank account stays empty.

i make plans, i never really wanted to in the first place.

i buy things i dont want.

i look at my face and judge every imperfection.

i look at photos of me when i was younger... i look playful and happy and free. i try to be like her again, but im afraid of becoming her again. anxious, angry, hurt, taken advantage of.

im uncomfortable in my body.

i dont like my life. i want to start my phd so i feel like i have a purpose again. purposeless purpose. distractions...

is she trying to steal my personality? is she a true friend? is anyone worth my fucking friendship? my time, my energy? im alone. ive always been alone. its exhausting but it WORKS. its how i cope. i dont need you to analyse my problems for me... you dont know me. you dont know my life, you dont understand who i am. no one is me, no one can be me. therefore no one can be THERE FOR ME> they dont know how. i cant show you how. you try and you try and its so futile. its so ingenuine. people only care about themself and what they can take from you for themself. im so fucking tired of it. im tired of using all my energy up on you. im logging off.

i like being by myself.

that day... my ex was so upset that id disappeared. but i had fun frolicking and exploring by myself. i was confused, something was wrong about the experience at hozier. as perfect as it was, something was wrong. i wanted to be there alone. i would have left early, i wouldnt have waited in line to buy drinks, i would have found a spot that suited me... it would have been mine and mine only.

i would have saved MY money by not going on a trip that wasnt my idea or intention.

i wouldnt have gone on that camping trip... i wouldnt have kept giving him chances when my gut told me something was off... i would have quit that job and stayed quit.

i need to figure out what i want. i know what i want right? wrong. i know what i want long term. what do i want right now? what do i fucking want? i want to cry, i want to write, i want to be alone. i want sex. good sex. i want to feel like myself again. i want to be alone. i want to scream at everyone who did this to me. i want to disappear.

i want to read, i want beautiful things to come back to me. i want revenge. i want revenge oh how i want my revenge... i want to smash his windows, i want to throw rocks in his house. i want to steal his mail? i want to hack all his shit and delete it all. i want to kill him. lol. i want to strangle him with my bare hands. you deserve to die, you know that though dont you? you deserve to die because you hurt a girl with a pure and genuine heart. you are pure fucking evil and you deserve to die a horrible death. i hope someone kills you. im glad someone keyed your car. i hope someone punches you in the face. i hope someone beats you like the pathetic piece of shit that you are. i know you get bullied at work because youre a cunt and deserve it. you deserve this shitty little life you live, youre a bad person, you deserve it. i hope you die. i hope you die, i hope you die, i hope that you fucking die.