#im tired and im exhausted and im confused and i dont know who or what to believe

[dead-salmon]

what fucks with my brain is i see people with who many of my political views align with

but then they go "north korea has a good government actually, so does china, the ddr was a good thing, it's all just western propaganda" and i'm????

am i missjng something here? did i miss something here? i cann 100% well say the ddr isn't and wasn't a good thing, but wdym n.korea and chinas governments are good actually. aren't those dictatorships? how are they good? am i missing something? are they actually dictatorships or not? what's the propaganda here, dictatorship or no dictatorship??? i know there's lits of propaganda about it in the west, but they're still not good governments?? right???? help???????????

[python333]

HAI! i rlly like your platonic 141 fics and I'm wondering if we could get some more dad price and/or brother gaz sleepy cuddles? :3

stretched too thin — python333

— — — —

synopsis gaz notices you overworking yourself one night and decides to step in before you end up pulling an all-nighter.

relationships platonic!gaz & gn!reader.

characters gaz.

word count 2.05k

warnings 2nd person pov [you/yours/yourself], usage of pet names [love, darling], usage of c/n [code name/call sign].

note oh my god im so sorry i disappeared for like. a month. ill try my best to not be gone for more than a week at a time, but with all of my schoolwork and just over all stress ive been experiencing lately, i dont know if ill be able to get fics out every week :< ill try my best though! please accept this fic as an apology—its another big bro gaz one!! special shoutout to everyone else who has an older sibling thats very distant with them, you and me are in the same boat fr!! also, last thing—im thinking about making a discord server where i announce when fics are being written and published and stuff, but i dunno if yall would join or anything, so if u would pls lmk!!

You haven’t left your office in five hours. 

Recently—just about two days ago—you finished up an assignment fairly quickly and, as a result, had to write a detailed report of said assignment. It went over the mission you’d gone on, and listed off every major detail you could think of, though because you just can’t give yourself a break you were constantly thinking of other details you might’ve missed even though there was little chance you’d missed anything.

The mission wasn’t anything too important, honestly. It was originally going to be a week-long camp-out reconnaissance by an enemy task force’s base, obtaining information on their schedule and what they did throughout the day and whatnot. However, only a day into the mission, the small squad of soldiers that had accompanied you saw another small military group observing the same group you’d been observing.

So, naturally, you observed them as well. Aren’t you just the best multi-tasker?

The task force eventually found out about the other group, just a day later, while your squad was still in the clear to continue your observations. So, your mission had quickly come to a close—but, because of the circumstances under which the mission had come to a close, you were required to write an extremely detailed report on the other group and the group you’d been observing.

It would be an understatement to say you were tired. You’re exhausted.

Between the non-stop writing, the coffee sitting on your desk that’s been microwaved five times and has been refilled thrice, and the uncomfortable chair you’ve sat in that you have yet to replace, you’re extremely exhausted. Your movements are sluggish, your fingers aren’t as swift on the keyboard of your computer as they usually are, and worst of all—you still have more to write. 

Your eyes stung and felt dry, your hands felt like they were going to stop working completely at any moment, and you were overall just exhausted. 

You look over at the clock on your desk, and it reads 02:28 AM, indicating that you would only have about four hours to sleep if you went to bed now. I’m too far into this report to stop now, You tell yourself, sighing as you blink slowly at your computer screen, If only my vision didn’t keep getting blurry… 

Suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, and for a second you think you’re hallucinating until the knock sounds once more. 

Reluctantly, with a voice raspy from not using it almost all day, you call out, “Come in!” 

Your voice is softer and quieter than you’d like it to be, but it doesn’t matter too much to you at this moment—at least, not in your foggy mind that still begs you for sleep, even when you have far more of your report to finish. 

The door opens with a creak, and in walks Gaz. 

“Sarg,” He greets you, not bothering to close the door behind him as he walks up to your desk, “Pleasure to see you for the first time in, what… three days?” 

“Two days and eighteen hours,” You correct him, taking a moment to crack your stiff knuckles, not taking your eyes off of your monitor, “And you know you don’t have to call me ‘sarg’ or ‘sergeant’ or anything. We’re the same rank.” 

Gaz promptly ignores you, “Right, well, anything over a day is way too long for me to go without seeing you. Why’re you all cooped up in here on your computer?”

“‘Cause I need to write a report on my assignment,” You briefly explain, before lightly goading Gaz, “Not all of us need a shit ton of attention every day like you do.” 

“Ehh,” Gaz theatrically makes a thinking face, before shrugging, “Not sure what you mean by ‘us’, but alright.” 

“By ‘us’, I mean everyone but you.” 

“Surely that doesn’t include you, right?” 

“It does.” 

Gaz gasps quietly at your reply, before dramatically responding, “Oh, you can’t be serious.”

“I absolutely can,” You hum, finally taking your eyes off of your computer screen to look up at Gaz, “Is it so hard for you to believe that I don’t need to talk to you every waking hour?” 

“It is, actually,” Gaz scoffs, “Because I know that you do need to talk to me every waking hour.” 

“Uh, no I don’t,” You childishly argue, raising an eyebrow at Gaz.

“Uh, yes you do,” Gaz immaturely argues back, crossing his arms, “Look me in the eyes and tell me that the past two days and eighteen hours haven’t been shit because I haven’t given you any attention.”

You open your mouth to form a response but quickly close it, realizing that yeah, actually, I kind of do crave his attention. 

Fuck.

“You’re not the only person that gives me attention,” You point out, hoping to find some way to change the subject.

“Sure, but you like the attention I give you the most,” Gaz hums, leaning forward to rest his crossed arms on your desk opposite of where you sit.

“You don’t know that.”

“Then tell me that I’m wrong,” Gaz challenges you.

You narrow your eyes at him, glaring at him for a moment before sighing, “You suck.”

“Maybe I suck, but you look like you haven’t slept for the past week,” Gaz points out, “You look exhausted, by the way. And dehydrated. Actually, you just look like the human embodiment of a headache.” 

“What the fuck?” 

“I mean that in the most loving, non-offensive way possible.”

“You come into my office, accuse me of needing attention from you, then you insult me by calling me the human version of a headache?”

“It wasn’t an insult!” Gaz raises his hands in surrender, before sighing, “I’m being serious. You look dead, [c/n]. You need sleep.” 

“What I need is to finish this report,” You huff out, beginning to turn your attention back to your computer, before Gaz’s hand is quickly placed on your chin and forces you to look back at him. 

“No, what you need is some rest,” Gaz argues, more serious this time, taking his hand off of your chin—something you shouldn’t miss nearly as much as you do, the warmth of his hand fading far too quickly from your face—and bringing it back to rest on the desk. 

“Maybe you need rest, Gaz.”

“Sure I do,” He shrugs, “But I’m only going to sleep if you do.” 

You raise an eyebrow at him, “Really? You’re pulling that card?”

“I am.” 

You stare at him for a moment, mentally weighing your options, before sighing and bringing your elbows up to the table so that you can place your forehead in your hands.

On one hand, if you stay in your office you can finish up your report before four and then go to sleep, and hope that you magically feel active even with just an hour or two of sleep in the morning. On the other hand, if you go to sleep now, so does Gaz, and then you both get more than just two hours of sleep. 

After another moment of consideration, you huff out a frustrated breath and mutter, “Fine.” 

Gaz smiles down at you and walks around your desk to your side of it, holding out a hand for you to grab to help yourself up from your chair and using his free hand to save your report and power off your monitor. 

You take his hand and stand up, your legs a little weak and balance iffy from sitting down for so long, but within the next few minutes you’re sure you’ll be able to properly walk. You let go of his hand once you’re positive you won’t fall over, and once he sees that you’re able to walk, Gaz silently walks towards the door of your office. Just as quietly, you follow him. 

He turns off the lights for you and lets you walk out of the office first, locking the door from the inside and closing it once you’re out. Once he’s done, he takes the lead again and you follow him down to his sleeping quarters. It’s not too long of a walk there, only two minutes at most.

Once you’re there, Gaz opens the door and lets you walk in first. Once you’re inside and Gaz has closed the door, you shrug off your camouflage patterned jacket and toe off your already loosened tan boots, leaving you in just your camouflage cargo pants and army green undershirt.

You look down at your pants with a frown, knowing from experience that sleeping in them was incredibly uncomfortable and left you regretting your whole existence the morning after, but before you could even look over at Gaz to tell him of your situation, you felt something being thrown at you. 

You immediately turn your attention to the item that had been hurled at you—the item in question being a pair of gray sweatpants, some that would probably be a little bit looser than you’d prefer on your figure—and then look over at Gaz with a questioning look. 

“Figured you wouldn’t wanna sleep in that,” Gaz shrugs, nodding to your cargo pants in response to your nonverbal confusion. 

You hum in appreciation, not wanting to talk too much at the moment, instead waiting for Gaz to look away before slipping off your pants and replacing them with the sweatpants Gaz had thrown at you. The fit isn’t as uncomfortable as you thought they’d be—they’re loose and hang low on your hips, just like you thought they would, of course, but they don’t feel nearly as weird as you thought they would.

Once you’ve tightened the strings on the waist of the pants, you get into Gaz’s bed, pulling the covers up and over yourself. Gaz quickly settles into the bed next to you, quickly getting himself comfortable under the sheets, and pulling the covers up and over his shoulders in one swift movement.

He gets closer to you, so close that his chest presses against your back and you can feel the tip of his nose ghosting over the top of your head. He wraps one arm over your body to pull you impossibly closer to him, and his other arm snakes underneath the side of your body so that both of his arms are wrapped around you.

He hums contently and his thumb rubs small circles into your clothed stomach, the action—despite being small—causing your stomach to warm up almost immediately. 

“Comfortable, darling?” Gaz asks quietly, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head. 

“Very,” You mumble back, trying to subtly lean your head back against Gaz in hopes of getting at least one more kiss. Noticing your efforts, he huffs out a small laugh and presses another gentle kiss right at the edge of your hairline before pressing one last one to your forehead. 

Even with the comforting atmosphere, you can’t find it within yourself to fully relax, your body still tense and stiff underneath the blanket. Gaz, just like he did with your “subtle” movements, notices and frowns. 

“Just sleep,” Gaz tiredly mumbles into the top of your head, “You have to get up in three hours. The sooner you sleep, the more sleep you get.” 

You don’t respond, instead simply sighing and forcing your eyes closed. You do have to admit, it’s nice being able to actually close your eyes for something other than blinking, and closing your eyes for longer than half a second has made you realize that they were even drier than you thought they were. 

Exhausted and ready to finally sleep, you eventually get to a point where you no longer need to force your eyes shut, and as a result, your whole body relaxes for the first time in almost six hours. 

“G’night, love,” Gaz murmurs, feeling your body relax next to his. You hum in acknowledgment of his words, not finding the energy within yourself to properly respond, instead finding yourself drifting off into a deep sleep. 

And if four hours later, Gaz wakes up and simply lies there, not waking you and instead letting you get some more sleep despite you having to be up soon, nobody has to know.

[joenhead]

im gnna go to bed but i need the ppl to know that when i say qpr solbin to me they have never formally decided this

there have been multiple points throughout their lives together where they establish “youre my partner in every sense of the word” without ever actively labeling it and then promptly continue on with their day. like at some point in their early 20s they realize “hmmm this best friendism i see about,,,seems different than what we have”and then never elaborate any further. theyre each others emergency contact they know all their medical info their schedules make them miss each other and when they can they prefer to spend their time together because really they dont want or need anything else they both intend on spending the rest of their lives together until woops! time to save the world ????

so to me, they both understand that whatever they have is mutual and neither platonic nor romantic but they both had jobs so they dont rlly care abt labeling that rn … and then theyre trynna save the world so they dont rlly care abt that rn .. they just have this secret third thing and its nice

it is rlly confusing to everyone else tho. to many it kind of just seems like both sol and albin have one sided crushes on each other. like wow sol really talks a lot about how cool albin is so hes prolly crushing but albin doesnt seem to notice or care (they base this off albins sallow tired exhausted face which is just how he looks). and for albin theyre like oh man albin is totally crushing on sol hes the only guy he ever hangs out with too bad sols super out of his league. and its so funny cuz albin and sol r non the wiser to ppl thinking these things sol is knitting albin another scarf and albin doesnt have it in him to tell sol go stop because he has more scarfs than he knows what to do with but sol seems really happy so whatever who cares if its summer he cant get anymore miserable.

and yes albin does have a lucky tie AND a lucky scarf and yes both are gifts from sol sorry i DO make the rules and this is what ive decided they plague my mind 24/7 its only fair i get this please dont take this from me i have so little…

anyways yea theyre partners but like only if u ask them cuz otherwise theyre not gnna talk about it theyre just going to be clingy protective and overly complimentary to each other

[alicentsgf]

ok so fans who hate alicent LOVE to say shit like "book alicent was beefing with a child lol" totally unironically. and it just confuses me. like Bro... all f&b tells us is she Stopped Being Nice to rhaenyra after aegon was born (when viserys showed no sign of naming him heir). because, reportedly, she was originally kind to rhaenyra. apparently kind enough for at least one or two people to note a sudden change in demeanor.

and like im sorry. is it that crazy that when alicent began to understand rhaenyra and her own son were going to be pitted against each other in the future she chose aegon and distanced herself from rhaenyra? she wasnt "beefing with a child" like i feel thats so clearly just a little joke someone made thats been taken at face value and regurgitated. because its not true. or at least f&b gives us no indication of it - we're never told about her acting maliciously toward a young rhaenyra. in fact i dont think we're given much indication they really interacted at all. and anyway, wouldnt it have been worse for her to continue to keep rhaenyra close ? so she could try and manipulate her?? people make book alicent into this great seductress and manipulator and theres basically no textual evidence to support it. if anything i feel like alicent distancing herself shows she very possibly DID genuinely care about rhaenyra once, perhaps enough to worry her attachment might undermine her cause to prioritise aegon in some way. and this is only further supported by rhaenyra's decision to spare alicents life later when the rest of the greens became dragon snacks.

then theres the fact book alicent was the one who asked viserys to betroth aegon to rhaenyra. why would she do that? a woman from a house with such close ties to the faith no less. she asked when aegon was 6 and she must have known by that point viserys was likely never going to name aegon heir - imo she was exhausting options to try and protect her children. no matter what choices aegon made he had every chance of becoming a symbol others would use, forcing rhaenyra to make an example of him to maintain control. marrying them to each other would do a lot to avoid that eventuality. it was both a smart political match and what Targaryen tradition demanded. viserys was convinced alicent was only acting out of ambition which is why he rebuffed her, but we're repeatedly shown viserys is kind of an idiot. especially politically.

theres this Obsession with the idea alicents characterisation was changed so dramatically for the show. 'i wish they'd made her like book alicent' they did...? they made her a victim who is scared and anxious and bitter. theres nothing to suggest that wasnt who book alicent was. everything we know of her is filtered through layers of bias - her story told by men who dont give a shit what she felt or desired. and what? you dont like it because you wanted her to be some one dimensional villian? because doubling down of f&bs oft misogynistic, cardboard cutout representation of her would have been So great. like please, i get that so much of f&b can be interpreted a whole bunch of ways but 'alicent the evil step mother' is the most basic, boring interpretation. it shows no depth of thought at all. theres at least a few clues in there as to who she Actually might have been, if you bother to look.

its just insane to me honestly. you read that book and thought she was pure evil? this woman who doted on her daughter and grandchildren so completely that her grandson's murderers knew to find them in her rooms. this woman who spent her last moments embracing death, pining for her dead children and speaking fondly of the old man she used read to as a girl. its really not that hard to percieve book alicent as a trapped and embittered woman desperately scared for the lives of her children. seriously. where is the critical thought? the empathy?? im so tired.

[oshidorifuufu]

just a rant, i guess (๑･̑◡･̑) tw: suicide

life plan: get too silly by atleast 30

i want a nice funeral, i want white roses (do those exist?), i want people who i guess care about me (probably imaginary, nobody cares for me) to cry, they should mourn me as if i was an angel, i should become a real one…

they’d have talk of how i’d died too young, how i was a good soul(?) (its all lies), how i had such a bright future (it got dull over time), i would have the spotlight, for one day at least..

i want to maybe find a nice bridge to jump from, or a pretty rope laced with flowers, or an adorable gun (though guns are sort of scary)

i dont really feel anything. i feel hopeless, what if my effort is for nothing? what if the idea of a better future that i clang onto isn’t real? the world will be fucked today, and the world will be fucked tomorrow

i’m fucked too, i’m a pessimist, someone recently told me “it sounds like everyone is tired of trying to keep you happy”, and that shit fucking hurts but damn they’re right! i dont deserve to live! when have i ever made a truly significant positive impact on someone? i exhaust, i burn people out and when i think i deserve to die for it im becoming even more pessimistic for thinking that way so i exhaust them more!

whaat am i supposed to do in this cycle?

im confused, im scared and anxious, what if theres no hope. i dont even know if i want comfort. my craving for love and attention and praise has grown and grown but at least for now its like. it wont ever be enough. it doesnt matter, i wont ever have ‘enough’ of it. i’m not truly loveable in this state

i dont want to be pitied, i dont want to be hated, i dont want to be mentally ill, i dont want to be anything

id like to go back to being stardust

[juli19varez]

Sur...prise? | Alejandro Balde X Reader

summary: alejandro tried to do a surprise to you, but... well.

warnings: fem!reader, attempt to make it funny, reader described to be overworked (not too explicitly), fluff.

author's note: this was a request but my app excluded all of a sudden 😭 anyways, really liked that request and i made it a little more longer than i wanted (still good i swear) hope you like it and sorry for any mistakes <3 (requests open)

it was almost midnight, you were still studying on your dorm for your next exams, almost sleeping on your books, when you heard a knock on the door. confused and exhausted, you got up to see who was there at such a time. when you opened the door, you could see alejandro smiling, while carrying some bags with him, your eyes widened.

"ale, what the hell are you doing here?!" you said whispering. you knew the rules of the dorm very well. no one from the men's dorms could go to the women's dorms after ten o'clock.

alejandro grinned, entering your room. "i was bored, so i was thinking 'why not go visit mi princesa preciosa?' and here i am!" he said proudly, putting the bags on your desk.

you sighed closing the door, approaching him quickly. "you know the rules here and how much this is dangerous! are you crazy?" you whispered, touching his chest. ale looked down, smirking. "maybe i am, but it was worth the risk," he whispered, giving a little peck at your lips, making you blush.

ale smiled, taking your hand. "come on, i bought you presents, dont be mad at me" he pouted giving you puppy eyes, you shook your head in disbelief. ale pulled you closer, hugging you.

"okay, I'm sorry, that must be some stress because of the finals." you sighed, hugging him back tightly. he stroked your hair, nodding.

"I know that, that's why I'm here." you looked at him confused as he goes to grab the bags again, handing them to you. "open up!" opening the bags, you saw a stuffed animal, and the other, some chocolates.

"I know how stressed you get with these things and overwork yourself, and i cant be by your side all the time, so I bought that bear so you could use some company, he's even using my perfume!" he pointed, looking happy. "and the chocolates... well, you love chocolate."

you smiled, looking at him happily. "you're literally the best boyfriend ever!" he chuckled as you started to kiss all his face, hugging him like a koala. "wow, you really do love me, hm?" you nodded, feeling his arms around you.

"uhm... we just have one problem..." ale hid his face on the crook of your neck. you murmured telling him to continue. "i can't get back to my dorm right now, you know? and im really tired right now... and you need to rest a little, dont you think?"

you tried to say something to complain, but knew he was right, it was almost impossible to leave the building while the guards were everywhere, and wouldn't be a bad idea to sleep together after so much time studying. you nodded, leading him to your bed. "just this time, you troublemaker, don't get used to it." he laid beside you, babbling something you didn't really paid attention, too focused turning the lights on your side off.

you turned to face him, smiling at his sleepy face. "good night, amor" he kissed your nose, hugging you by the waist, resting his head on the top of yours. "good night, preciosa."

8:00am. you heard someone knocking on your door again, you tried to get up, but alejandro was hugging you tight, it made you smile. when you were about to get back to sleep, you heard someone outside.

"y/n!!! you promised to us that we would study together this morning! open up, girl!" your eyes widened realizing it was your friends, you whispered a 'holy shit' when you glanced back to ale, who was still sleeping peacefully by your side.

"u-uhm... one second!!! im... im in the bathroom!" you said back, trying to wake alejandro up. "please, wake up amor" you begged, and finally he opened his eyes, stretching himself and smiling tired. "good morn-"

"no time for it!! hide in the bathroom, right now" you whisper shouting to him, amost pushing him inside there. he looked so confused that made you feel bad, you murmured 'sorry' for him all the time while he just chuckled. "I'll explain later, just don't make any sound until i open the door again." he nodded, and you headed to the girls, still knocking on the door.

"why did you take so long?" "sorry, i was going to take a shower, and then you two appeared." you smiled awkwardly, trying to hide your nervousness. you took a little look até the gifts of the last night, at the same time your friends did. oh no.

"OMG! who gave you this?! this is so cute!!!" they screamed in awe, looking at the heart shaped box with chocolates.

"i-i.... uhm, someone not really important! just a... guy i know..." you grabbed the bear and the box quickly, putting them behind you. "ooh, come on! tell the truth."

"i-it was a guy i met sometime ago... i like h-him, you know?" you said shyly, feeling your cheeks burning, the two girls continued to say how cute and romantic that was. you interrupted them to make some bad excuse to cancel your plans, and they left.

you sighed in relief, hearing the bathroom door crack. "so... you like me?" alejandro hugged you from behind, kissing your red cheek. you laughed, pulling him off. "shut up!"

[scatterplot-official]

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

54. Favourite store?

55. Favourite blog?

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

75. Favourite animal?

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

90. Name a person you love?

100. How are you feeling?

116. Are you listening to music right now?

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

119. Favourite book?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

(If these are too many than just pick whichever ones you want to answer ^^)

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

The sea! My dad lived in Florida as a kid and had an official suba license when he was 12! I really wanna see all the cool things he has.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black, it was for a marching band competition I was in (We won 1st in parade!)

54. Favourite store?

There's a bookstore in town I adore, I got my moth encyclopedia there.

55. Favourite blog?

Everyone in my pinned 🫶

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Marching! Thats the only one I can remember though there may be more.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Currently yes, Im having very confusing problems rn with my Irls. ily 5ever random, theyre my only irl who isnt being weird rn.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Yes! Rn I have Reginald the duck, Cathathy the Cuthulu, Bennedict the Bee, Barbie the possum and Holidog the Holiday World mascot.

75. Favourite animal?

My ouppies! Also snakes and kitties and bats and dinos and hyeenas.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Vanilla, but I dont really like icecream all that much.

90. Name a person you love?

My aunt 🫶Shes on my side no matter what and Im her favourite nephew.

100. How are you feeling?

Very tired. A lot has happened recently and its so exhausting.

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yep! 8 Graves, Bored to Death

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Very rarely. Im very picky about chicken but I love soup.

119. Favourite book?

Negative Space - B.R. Yeager (I ordered his other two books im very excited)

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Victim To The Sands Of Time, Hourglass, Set It Off (Im getting it tattooed)

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

(bc i linked the songs too)

[iamthat-iam]

hey Bry, i hope you’re doing good, i wanted to ask for help because im tired of this, like i dont know who else to ask ( 😔 ) could you please tell me what i'm doing wrong?  (long text ahead)

i’ve been into Non Dualism for a while, not that much tho, i was into the Law of Assumption community and i was having that point of view and the i discovered ND. I felt like i was being blessed because the main idea of Non Dualism is so freeing. I consumed all types of ND contents you can imagine, i was in every corney of the internet looking for info and different perspectives, and i was doing…. meh. I was learning but i had my up and downs but i was slowly “detaching from ego”. Then something happened i had a few problems with a class of mine and i felt like a fell from the progress that i had. I was trying to read more and more content to try to make me understand that “hey its ok”, ofc that never worked because my teacher accused me of plagiarism and the owrse part is that is true but is not bcs of bad reasons i just used AI  and wanted to make my assignments easier and my mental health was awful for me to complete them. Then i found out that my grades were low and i dont know if im going to fail, or repeat my semester, and the worse, i dont want mynparents to find out and pay for those classes. I feel awful because they’re really expensive and i just want to solve this. Believe me, im so tired of reading content and not knowing what to do. I’ve tried every “tecnique” to slowly detach from ego, but i just can’t stop thinking about these problems, they’re haunting me like crazy. I know this is just ego but, ive had so many anxiety attacks because of this like i don’t get it. I'm sorry if im sounding too demanding, im literally asking in the best way possible, what else could i do?

A lot of bloggers say “you don´t need to understand this, is your ego worrying” and others say “slowly question yourself what ego says or sees and go back to your origin” that gets me so confused and i'm exhausted. im so lost and i just want to delete everything and feel better. i know ND, is not about this, it shouldn’t make me feel like this, is just very simple. i just have too many problems like Bry i am really concerned, my mothers finances haven’t been the best and i don’t want her to pay a lor of money. I'm terrified to let go of this desire to change my grade circumstances, because I'm scared that if I do, nothing will change and everything around me will only worsen, and it feels like I've got such little time to change things. I know it might b the best to “let go” and do nothing but like, what if it stays the same. I dont even understand when people say “let it be” or i saw a girl saying “if you have a problem, dont do thing to it. ignore it and it will solve” like how??? i feel defeated and i just want to be free. im so scared to be in this position when the week ends, or by the month ends. im so lost. i feel like i only know this intellectual, but when the day passes and i say to myself “I AM” i just can’t feel it, i feel like a limited body. i give up on trying to achieve something,Ego seems so exhausting and scary and terrifying. i want to leave everything behind and be gentle with myself. what can i do? what should i do?

thank you bry if you read this fully, i really try to follow your blog and i like your kindness towards ppl. i hope u have a nice day

Im doing good ty for asking!

You have to take a leap of faith. I know it's scary to let go of control and trying to change things but if you don't, you will continue to feel like this and the problems will continue to exist. Trying to change a problem is you acknowledging that there's even a problem in the first place. Worrying about these problems are just keeping them there, because you keep acknowledging that they exist.

Your true self doesn't have problems! So when you know yourself as you really are, and are not identified with the person dealing with such and such issues, they have to go away. There's no possibility of things staying the same because everything appears and disappears based on what you are aware of.

Surrender. Just know that everything will work out in the end (because everything is already perfect).

[anothd]

Im so fucking sleepy yet I can't sleep. Way too much thoughts. So maybe ill rant and get them out. It feels bad to talk about things like this, but oh well. I'm already exhausted emotionally and confused and all this stress makes me barely have any sleep at night (if im lucky enought to sleep tho).

The way they all lied to me and never told me anything. Three. Three different persons knew about it and no one tried to confront or ask me shit, just made their little theories. I understand one of them knew my blog. And i understand they checked it cause they noticed my mental state shrinking. But at the same time lying about not checking it? After accidentally leaving a heart on my intro post another (probably, maybe that was truth) lie that "they checked their followers" and accidentally went on my blog? I mean how dump do you think I am? Who follows you? Especially when you don't post a shit. Anyway sending screenshots of my vents to others is understable, but at the same time would be cool if i got to know about it all like in the span of a hour or two. Not several days later. Also some of the things i saw on screenshots just hurted me. "Like, i like him as a friend, i really do but how tf do i handle jirai". Bro i told you I'm jirai before we became friends. And why you act jirai is the problem? I still feel hurt. I still dont even feel like i can trust any of their words. He himself told others to talk about their emotions and all and dont give silent treatment. What i did to deserve this hypocritic behaviour from him? Litteraly both of these two others he told about this (not suprised that he told it after basically i got to know from them and not him and told him about it) accoused me of trying to distance them from the rest? Also one accoused me of bpd and being a yandere? I mean the bpd one and yandere was basically a child, but it still hurts. In the instance of me having stronger ed than usual and getting all this info randomly and litteraly needing to confront everyone and talk to them for longer amount of time to get to the maybe truth? I mean he lied way to many times and his promises seem hollow. I probably need time to get used to it but oh well. Im just tired. Tired of walking on eggshells to not make anyone uncomfortable nor to make them randomly worried or "try to make me say it". Say it yourself young man and dont try to force me by manipulation to say it to you. It all just made me relapse and suicidal again. I hate it. I hate them. But why i still care and im way to worried about them? Litteraly im worried after the tone of their message is wrong. Yet they dont seem to really care nor worry about me. Well maybe they do, but i dont feel it. Maybe leaving would be better. I would had another reason to end it, well loose reason to stay so itll add to reasons to end.

Ngl won't tag it as its more of private thing and not wanna get it seen by more people, but still some attention and reaction would be cool.

[sukirichi]

Aaaaaaaa sukiiiiiii why you do this to meeeee 😭😭

Brain mush, im very exhausted so im sorry if ill rant dhdhajdjs

The whole rin diary part - sparked lots of joy 🥺🥺🥺

This part right after

This does not spark joy 😒 like really? really? After we kept admitting we still love rin even while being with omi we go ahead and say that? Especially after reading the damn diary... Really?

This update made my heart shatter for our dearly idiot rin even more.. He keeps thinking we just... Wont love him if we know who he really when (jokes on him we do know) and it just.. It really breaks me

The fact he truly looks that low on himself to the point he believes we are with him just cause hes a prince and if he never was we wouldnt even notice him... Bruh i just.. I want to hug him.. Royal life truly shattered him mentally to the point he has no self esteem uh..

This part tho caught my attention:

He keeps trying to push us away but perhaps cause he's noticeable tired, I mean its described at o e point that he has dark circles under his eyes, what i believe its because hes been sleeping on the couch or something because he refuses to sleep in the same bed as iris (since he did kinda hinted that she had the bed all to herself). And perhaps thanks to him being exhausted he just cant stop himself fron letting little truths come out, he didnt even seem to notice it while we truly did.

Im still disappointed? Bitter? Ahahahha that the baby is staying dhshshhdhoas he's our hubby man i dont want him to be having some other bitch's baby when neither he or she wanted it 🙃 like please just do something good for the story iris and go ahead and lose it 🤣🤣 at this point only the queen will be pissed and we love that royal bitch pissed 🤣🤣

Sorry i wanted to give a better review but damn my job has been killing me ahahahah thank you so much for another update tho, these even tho they kill me 🤡 in a way always cheer me up and make me having something to look forward for.

Also yes kuroooooo destroy the bitchhhhh ahahhaha

the rin diary part!! man I remember having to like sit down for a long time just so I could use the perfect words LIKE WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ITS HARD TO BE POETIC LMFAO. not that it DID become poetic but it was the best I could pull out of my ass lmaoooo. omg okay I get that it doesn’t spark joy but hear me out!! at that point we’d already fallen for kiyoomi and yknow like… we already know that rintaro hasn’t been that good anyway, and we’re finally choosing what’s right, what’s BETTER (because dtd!yn has always been a character who will most likely end up doing what she thought was right and its really hard to change her mind lol but it’s just!! a matter of what feels right in that moment!!) and in that moment choosing kiyoomi and finally accepting that he has feelings for us felt like the right one! and the diary you know, it really is confusing cuz like – WE LITERALLY HAD JUST BEGUN OUR THING WITH KIYOOMI AND EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL then we see that our husband has always been secretly writing his feelings about us LIKE THE TIMING HONESTLY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE LOL

oh yeah… rin’s inferiority complex has just completely gotten worse because all his insecurities have gone from ten to a hundred. like he somehow always felt like he wasn’t good enough but to know that he was never a prince?! my boy needs therapy. and yes omg that part!! I know during the scene where he kicked us out our room was trying to imply that he wants to share the same bed as iris but naur!! my boy rin won’t even touch her within a ten foot pole in that moment, he just stays on the couch and can barely sleep because he sent us to belleview manor of all places. I just know he stayed up all night thinking about what we’re doing with kiyoomi and well… his imaginations are right because we’re making out with him lol. LMAOOOO I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THE BABY I think its bcos iris has been off-screen for such a while now that lowkey I forgot she and the queen existed (in other terms I’m just too excited to write about runaway rin and yn!! and I’m such a pea brain lol)

also no omg!! I hope you’re getting some rest and a well-deserved break though! and thank you so muchhh IM SO HAPPY YOU’RE ENJOYING DTD HEHEHEHE as always I appreciate you for showing so much love and I’m sending you more back!! <33

[crowning-art]

TGCF SPOILERS FINALE!

Me and 10 cuties who have been keeping up with my crazy TGCF journey after i finally finished it 2 years later lmaoo

*Note that clown in the center is me and everyone knows why after seeing my wonderful, beautiful, RIDICULOUS AND OUTLANDISH theories throughout the read lmaoo

Without further ado...the finale!!

-------------------------------------------------------

Goushi really swooped in during the LAST TWO SECONDS of this huge novel and really just stole everyone's heart, huh? I love this dude

In the last second, a hand caught Feng Xin’s boot, and Feng Xin caught Mu Qing’s boot. When he looked up, he cried, “WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!! GUOSHI OLD SIR, PLEASE DON’T EVER LET GO, ALRIGHT!!!”

YOOO FENG XIN ACCEPTED HIS CHILD OH MY GODDD DJJDJDJDJF T-T THE CHARACTER GROWTH

THE WAY THE TABLES HAVE TURNED AHHHHH its now Xie Lian who has Jun Wu pinned and nailed down to the ground with a sword djdjdjjdjjd low key, Xie Lian really needed to do that....yknow....therapeutically lol

I love this so much cuz ya, at the end of the day, it's tiring, it's exhausting keeping up a facade and forcing yourself to be someone who u know really isn't you and I feel Jun Wu despite all he's done was very heavily a product of his situation.

“I just genuinely really miss Your Highness,” Guoshi said. “I miss the once-Kingdom of Wuyong,

I miss our people, and I miss the days before we ascended. That’s all.”

“…”

Guoshi then added, “It’s been so many years, Your Highness. Just watching you makes me tired. Very tired. How about you? Are you not exhausted?”

And yes, I get that there was still a bit of inherit evil within him which got amplified thanks to the wuyong problems but like at the end of the day, he's just a sad little meow meow

AND THEN

AND THEN

“…Have I been defeated?” Jun Wu sounded a little lost.

After a moment of silence, Xie Lian took off the bamboo hat carried on his back, took it in his hand, and covered it over Jun Wu’s face.

DJDIFNIFJFJFJFJ DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN??? HJDHDHFHFHF U KNOW WHAT IM GONNA SAY AND UGH ITS ALWAYS BACK TO THE ✨️THEMES OF KINDNESS AND LOVE✨️ BRB gonna cry some more AGAIN

Ahh I remember pointing this out a while back but Hua Cheng was always the ONLY one who really helped ground Xie Lian when he was lost and confused. Like the split emotions he kept feeling of not knowing whether to laugh or cry, all gone even when he's told the craziest news yet, aka Wu Ming identity

All of a sudden, thousands of emotions, millions of words swarmed into his head. There was gratefulness, there was shame, there was heartache, there was wild joy, but above all else, there was incurable love.

Lol u guys don't even get it, there were so many parts that were my fave here and I was trying my best to not post the whole chapter here cuz i loved EVERY part, the way Xie Lian leaped into Hua Chengs arm at the end, the cute Xianle trio bickering, just everything T-T

WTF U MEAN LIL BREAK I DO NOT NEED THIS RN PLZ DONT OH MY GODOHMYGODOHMYGOS HUA CHENG DONT U DARE DIE OH MYGOD

All of this:

Hua Cheng’s long and slender fingers gently combed through Xie Lian’s mussed hair. “Then, Your Highness, do you know why I refuse to leave this world?”

Xie Lian couldn’t understand why Hua Cheng could still be so calm at a time like this, as he was panicking so hard he was trembling. But, while feeling lost, he still simple-mindedly asked,

“Why?”

Hua Cheng replied quietly, “Because I have a beloved who is still in this world.”

Hua Cheng said quietly, “Your Highness, I understand your everything.

“Your courage, your despair; your kindness, your pain; your resentment, your hate; your intelligence, your foolishness.

“If I could, I would have you use me as your stepping stone, the bridge you take apart after crossing, the corpse bones you need to trample to climb up, the sinner who deserved the butchering of a million knives. But, I know you wouldn’t allow it.”

They really did invent love, I can't think of anything else to say to this 😭

HIS EXPRESSION MY HEART CRACKED INTO A MILLION PIECES AT THIS WHOLE SCENE BUT ESPECIALLY AT THIS LINE

Hua Cheng’s gaze was gentle and blazing, that remaining eye filled with love, and it gazed at him silently.

He's gonna be back for sure. The red string and the ashes are still there....but it's still soooo saaad

LMAOOO the heavenly officials became homeless fr I'm dying lmaoooo

ROUYE IS BACK YESSSS!!! AND UGHH XIANLE TRIO!! IM SO HAPPY THEY R TOGETHER AGAIN!! I MISSED THIER SHENANIGENS SO MUCH

Xie Lian rummaged around his sleeve and fumbled out a white silk band that was torn in half, and said joyously, “Yeah, finally, the material to fix Ruoye is found! I’ll go patch it up right now!”

However, Feng Xin stopped him. “Patch it up? You?! Forget it, what can you patch? Ask someone else to help you.” Then he turned his head and shouted, “MU QING! COME GET TO WORK!”

Pei Su and Banyue were really an underrated duo this whole book, especially with the way they guarded Ke Mo and the other ghosts lol

Pei Su and Banyue were sitting at the entrance, both of their expressions blank.

Feng Xin divorce arc lmaooo Finally it came to an end...and in a really nice and mature way. I really appreciated the way MXTX wrote Jian Lan's whole character, like she also grew as a person and is def underappreciated

However, Jian Lan withdrew her smile. “What you’ve said are all things of the past. What was love once doesn’t mean it’ll last. I’m not interested in being a charity case and a nuisance.”

And Xuan Ji! Everyone really grew up huh? (*sobbing incontrollably*)

Still don't like Pei Ming smh overgrown man child fr U go Yushi Huang for showing him whose boss!!

GUZIIII MY HEART NOOOOO I really respect LQQ for doing this

so I could only…gather a bit of the soul particles of the Green Ghost and keep them in a lamp. Now he shows up in front of me every day hugging that lamp, asking when the soul within the lamp will grow bigger! I really…”

And Guzi! Fret not! Qi Rong will be back cuz his ashes aren't destroyed!!

THE PEARLS ARE BASICALLY A GIFT FROM THE INLAWS THAT HUA CHENG HAS NOW DJJDJDJDJDJDJFJDJD

A moment later, Xie Lian nodded slowly. “It’s mine. It’s a pair of pearls my father and mother gave me when I was young.”

Lol Ling Wen's punishment thooo and the subtle hint that Ling Wen may have acc cared for the dude despite everything kinda warms my heart

Ling Wen gave a small laugh. “Your Highness, don’t say it like I would do anything for him. After all, I’m cold-blooded and recognize no loved ones, so why would I do anything like that?”

“Is that right?”

“Let it be.

I love love love the way the passage of time was described here God I don't know how to explain it but I love it

People came like the tide, then left like the tide. Mount Taicang regained its deserted lonesomeness.

Atop Mount Taicang, there used to be an enormous field of maple trees. They were all burnt down by that massive fire, but reborn after a thousand years. They were no longer the same ones Xie Lian leapt through to train once upon a time, but the landscape was the same.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASAASASSMXKXKXJXNCJXNX AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

With three thousand Blessings Lanterns rising along with the night behind him, that man turned back and gazed at him. Robes redder than maple, skin as white as snow; between the brows of a face so handsome it couldn’t be stared at, there was still that wildness and a feral aura, a proudness that couldn’t be cut down.

There were no words. Both started walking towards the other.

A step, another step, each step faster than the next, then finally, they started running.

He ran forward whilst tears fell and stayed behind him. Xie Lian voiced this in his heart: he believed.

He believed that this man would die for him again and again, and would be reborn for him over and over. Even if he fell into the depths of hell, he would break through the abyss for his “belief”.

Last time, they spent eight hundred years running towards each other.

This time, it only took an instant to fall into each other’s embrace.

DID I CRY HERE? U BET YOUR FUNKY LIL BEAN I DID And u don't get get AGUHH it took 1000 pages for them to get to where they were AND ONLY ONE PAGE TO MEET AGAIN THE ABSOLUTE POETIC METAPHOR HAS ME LOSING MY MIND u have to read through 244 chaps to see them trying to get to each other and when they finally do..it takes less than a page for them to reunite again I AM CRYING RN

The grand final banquet in Puqi shrine, with windmaster and the fellow beggars, he xuan secretly eating with them, fengqing arguing and bantering (flirting basically -_-), heaven's eye, hualian, the heavenly officials dropping by, just everyone finally living a happy life

What a story! Like what a story! Unbelievable!

This is how it started and this is how it ended

However, if people worship the divine statues of this one god and one ghost together, then there will be a miracle

Cuz their whole story is a miracle but that's the point! U can't give up! Xie Lian's story IS inspirational despite being fictional! Believing in your principles and doing the right thing, showing kindness no matter the circumstance, and growing from adversities, honestly I had so much to say but I read the post script and lmao MXTX said EVERYTHING I wanted to say!

-------------------

I'm always the kind to finish books within a day or two but I really didn't want this one to end (hence two years to read it) but God the whole experience was so incredible and tbh, I started documenting my thoughts for myself just so I can reread them later and laugh lmao but then a bunch of you guys kept up with it and it genuinely became such an exciting thing to look forward to after reading as well!!

Special shout out to @silvia-moon and @maause who were there from the beginning!! I loved every comment of yours and had a blast reading them every time 🥰

Ahhhh IM GETTING SO EMOTIONAL LIKE THIS LONG WINDING JOURNEY HAS FINALLY COME TO AN END 😭 (borderline tearing up while writing this post) but alas! Every banquet must come to an end (haha see what I did there? Hahaha....😭😭😭)

And of course there are the extras! But those shall be read some other day! In the meantime, I'm so so excited to get to drawing all my fave scenes!! I can't wait to get to that!

Until then,

Farewell 😊

[stayxlix]

AYY MOOTERS ON MOOTERS THEY KNOW HOW TO MOOT! TUTTER PULLING TO THE PARTY IN MY CRAZY PINK WIG!!!! BEST WRITER? BEST WRITER? BEEN A FAN SINCE PART ONE!

I was getting beaten to lunacy, depression, delusion, confusion even. I got the 1st grade knowledge beat out of me with this one, i couldnt count for a sec. My vision got all blurry, thought this was chapter 17 for a minute there👹

Bitch, out the gate you be coming in HARD. You know how to set the mood, I get scared for their asses! It feels like being on drugs or something (though i aint never been on drugs, but this is how i imagine it feels like👀) I visualize like I ain't ever visualized before, put on some music reading this at night, DAYUM🛐‼️

I reread this tasty ass story atleast once every week. It's tradition at this point.

1."The physical contact was grounding—you were grounding. A lifeline anchoring Felix to the reality he so desperately needed to return to." This fucked me up😪 So beautifully written!

2. "How he'd transformed from someone potentially willing to end your life, to someone committed to protecting it at all costs." Had to pause, take a breather, and look out my window to reflect on who I am as a person, then keep reading. Absolutely Precious.

3. "Some day," he dropped his voice, "When all of this is over, I'm going to carry you back into that palace." His lips found the curve of your jaw, trailing a heated path down. "I'm going to take my time with you, princess," he nipped at the sensitive skin on your neck, causing your core to flutter with anticipation. "And then," he whispered, "I'm going to lay the world at your feet." I was hyperventilating baby I couldn't breath for shit reading this 👀

4. "Minho sighed in annoyance, as if holding a conversation with you was some sort of burden. “I didn’t want to discuss it with the others,” he snapped." TIRED, TIRED OF THE WAY HE TREATS ME. (Jk lol I get his stress but chill out, damn.)

5. "You were always mine," Felix breathed, "before we met, before all of this, you were never their princess," he leaned in, pressing his lips to your forehead. "You were always mine.” I had to stop reading and get some water, my throat dried out.

6.“You can’t,” Felix emphasized. A distant look clouded his eyes, a flash of whatever it was that had crossed his features after the nightmare seemed to resurface. “You grew up with servants to meet your needs while the rest of us bled for every scrap of food and warmth. You can’t understand, y/n. And even if you could, it won't change who I am or what I've done. The blood on my hands will never wash away.” This is where the problem occurs. Cuz what are you implying? You ate this part so much you gotta be locked away like that one song. 🗣 IM LOCKED UP THEY WONT OUT, THEY WONT LET ME OUT IM LOCKED UP🗣

7. "Go collect your friend," the man waved a hand at the door, "I will shelter you for the night. You're young, exhausted, and it looks like you've been through quite a lot." I LOVE HIM ALREADY DAMMIT

8. You knew this would not last forever with him. Nothing ever does. And you wondered if you will ever be able to accept that, even when you no longer have a choice. But in that moment, Felix was there. You extended a hand, and he was warm. He was real, and he felt more like home than anything ever had. You loved him too, and it was a feeling you did not dare let go." MY HEART! RIPPED OUT MY CHEST! I CANT BREATH! IM SOBBING!IM DEVASTATED.

IM FEELING LIKE IM ON THE LAST BITE OF MAC AND CHEESE ON THANKSGIVING, IM GUTTED, I DONT WANT IT TO BE OVER!!

But as always, let me calm down and get a lil sensitive. I love you my pookie bear❤️✨️

Your adding some good into my world with this story that i really need. Its like the same day everyday for me, then out of the blue, you pop up and you give me something to look forward to.

Like most people, there's lots of things I need to be distracted from, and you do just that for awhile❤️ I appreciate this lil story more then you could know, and I always get SO happy seeing you posted a new chapter. I can tell how much passion and effort you put into this story, and I applaud you for that🫶❤️ Take your time, take care of yourself, and feel no pressure on when you need to put a new chapter out, YOU should always come first❤️ -👹

hihi my spicy little👹💕once again, i truly have no words for how thoughtful and sweet all of this is. im so grateful to have you with me on this journey (since part one, day ONE) and im so glad its been able to keep your interest after all these months.<3

"got the 1st grade knowledge beat out of me" literally had me CACKLING please!!😭✋ your excitement and the photos you send (which are hilarious too btw) always have me grinning from ear to ear. i swear my favorite part of reading feedback from you is that i will NEVER be able to predict whats coming next.😂 seriously though, im so glad youve been able to immerse yourself in the story like this (if we're being honest i definitely lose touch with reality a little bit when i get lost in writing it lol) but im so touched that it could evoke such a response in you too. (ps "i reread this tasty ass story atleast once every week. It's tradition at this point" might just be one of my favorite compliments ive EVER received about my writing. this is literally one of the nicest things you can tell someone who writes imo🥹).

MY HEART! RIPPED OUT MY CHEST! I CANT BREATH! IM SOBBING!IM DEVASTATED

(okay but why is this literally me reading any of your asks) this was also one of the most fun parts of the chapter to write omg. i love writing the end of a chapter so much that sometimes its the first thing i do.🤭

the detailed journey through each little part of the story that you go through in your asks always leaves me on cloud nine.!!! i love this so so much, i swear it does not get any better than when someone quotes the story back to me.<33 so thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share your thoughts on these specific moments. i loved reading every. single. one.💕

Had to pause, take a breather, and look out my window to reflect on who I am as a person I was hyperventilating baby I couldn't breath for shit reading this 👀 I had to stop reading and get some water, my throat dried out.

(also btw if it makes you feel any better i had a similar reaction to ALL of these after i typed them out. felix really does things to me, i probably need an intervention or some shit but here we are.🥹)

knowing that this story adds a touch of goodness to your world means more to me than i can ever express. :( im sorry to hear that you’ve got some challenges to face, but like you said i know we all do from time to time, so im just forever grateful that my writing can provide a little distraction for you in the midst of the everyday chaos.<3 (ps. if things ever get too rough, you know where to find me!!❤️)

okay okay i’m cutting myself off here, but i really do appreciate the little reminders to take my time and prioritize self-care too.<3 the way you express yourself is so unique, please never change. i love that you’re as insane and unhinged about this story as i am.🥹 as always thank you so much for the continued support, it is more appreciated than you could ever know.🤗💕

[swampwart]

its only been two hours!

if i dont bog myself down with work, i think of you

i cannot escape you, oh i really really dont want to

i wish that dream was real i wish it was fucking real

i cant forgot how you kissed me

i wish you kissed me

i love your lips, i miss when you'd stare at mine wheneber we spoke

i want you back and im so deeply ashamed about this

this is not what i thought it would be

breaking up was suppose to get rid of all these feelings

but now.i feel all of them, just without having you

i cannot have you in my heart like this

i cannot keep ranting to you in brain about jow horrible my emotional life is and how badly i just want to reach over, hold me, rub my spine again and tell me its all going to be okay with such raw confidence it was like god told you or something

ive never dreamed about anyone before, not even him

but you have entered my escape so vividly and in such detail i cannot ignore it

it tricks me into thinking its real life

like you were actually upset i ever made a joke about taking another man's name and you wrapped your arms around me when i told you w out prompt i was only jokinh

in my dream that didnt reassure you either

you asked me "are you crushing on anyone else right now?" and i giggled and said "noo" w a knowing eye and you got nervous and looked to the side and forced out a laugh "noo thats not okay, we need to find you someone" then you took me by the wrist and had me speak to a guy

all i could do was watch you while you laughed at everything he said, and i think i was just happy i was with you

(he didnt even have a face, yet i could see the peak of your cheekbone that causes the depression beneath your eye)

later on i went home w a beautiful girl, tough and thick in every aspect, in a sick way i cannot deny het beauty

she was into me, i think we wanted this to go somewhere,, her friend had set us up and were hung out alone in rug covered room with a mirror and magical beads,, and she spoke with a tough sarcasm that ive gotten used to over the years, i dont think i looked at her long

then you came in, light in your weight and smiling lile ive never seen. Im use to this i think, but something hurt inside so far down and so unimportantly, i just focused on that you were happy. And you began to recount to me the tome you had, laughing the whole time, and i asked you "are you drunk" and in your beautiful, biteless irony you said "nooo maybe judt a little champagne" and we laugjed anf i was so happy to be wuth you, giggling in out own language rven thoigh i hear you speak this way with everyone. In dream and now, shamefully for my own comfort, i will believe it is special when you do it with me

and you held my hand and played with my fingers while you pattered on, and swinging your head this way and that, and in a moments confusion we forgot who we were and you kissed me.

That moment convinced me this dream was real. Your lips left a session on mine that felt so real. I know i felt pressure, i know i did. At that moment,i was convinced it was because we really did kiss. Now i know itd because our last kiss, whenbeer that was, has not left my lips this whole time. That kiss we had, whenvef that was, has traveled through time and told me we are still in embrace.

i was left in a daze after that, and i heard you gasp and laugh and say "oh i forgot!" and take hold of my second hand. But i stared off, with a dopey smile growing all over my face. Thid whole dream I've felt so tired, my eyebags leading the way. But that kiss sparked rhe rest of my physical existence, and golden light rippled along my skin, into my brain, and swayed its way across my eyes. I heard angels singing, the muses, everything that comes witj a golden kiss. I was so happy. And i agreed with you and said "dont worry about it,"

latter on, the girl saw us and was less than impressed. You were layed across your back (your hair was parted in the most stunning way) and playing with my fingers. My exhaustion was back, but it did not matter to me when i was with you. And she asked what my boyfriend was doing here, and i told her "its complicated" while focused entirely on you playing with my hands.

And she told me she doesnt do cheaters, and i told her dont worry about it. I said before you walked into the room i had a boyfriend, so she assumed it was you. I told her "this isnt him," and it confused her more. She sat down and began to do her make up and in a distance, maybe even hurt, but still open manner. And i turned my attention away for a while, sadly my back to you, and i asked her if she knew what polyamory is. And she adjusted in her seat, squinting her eyes as she tried to think, then we spoke at the same time, it isn't / is it, "what the mormans do." I told her that was paligamy and involed religion and stuff we didn't jave here. She nodded along, confused, partly wanting to understand and partly wanting to leave, and i was fine with that.

Then i think someone walked in for you. I think it was him. And then you were gone. You where gone snd i think my dreamself felt there was no point to remember the dream anymore. Now ive woken up, sad, confused, happy, and feeling so stupid.

i cant decide if i want all of this to be real or not. I do, hell i want you so bad, its such a deep seeded need in me, i dont know what to do. But what the hell am i doing. what the hell am i doing. I have a boyfriend, but shit i think its getting rocky. Im makinh mistakes, he is too. And im so scared. And i just want comfort. Like a child i just want to be held and told itsnall going to be okay. And everytime i think about it, im always telling you. Im always telling you.

i miss you so much, i miss you more than anything

[bbarican]

september 17, 2023; 9:36 am - aftermath

full disclosure - i think im having some sort of breakdown (nothing too serious, just me being the highly emotional person that i am) so these updates are very detailed and some might think are too dramatic so read at your own will

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this weekend was really and genuinely one of the best - i had my officemates over and narealize ko na thankfully they really are my friends too

we ate alot and drank and swam for so long and laughed so loud our throats ended up aching the next day and we watched movies and cuddled up all together in my living room and it was just fun and laid back even though we were so noisy kasi nga we were enjoying so much

and yesterday the sun was out and it felt like it was summer and we were all just lounging around the pool and my heart was so happy

pero the moment we started talking about love and yung mga love life ng mga officemates ko, i felt sad tapos pair that up pa with the fact nga na they were already heading home a few hours after that conversation so parang it was super heavy bigla

kasi everyone got quiet kasi everyone was tired tapos yun pa topic namin so parang on my end it was just really heavy sa heart ko especially with how happy we were nga the night and morning before

on top of that, apparently (this came from jamee [girl ofc besties] who actually talked to and confirmed from pat [guy ofc mate]) pat likes me as in hes into thick girls daw so parang ang weird lang for me to experience it in person kasi after the girls and i talked about how pat likes me nga, ang halata tuloy cause of his actions like getting food for me and always wanting to be by my side and when we were in the living room, nakahiga na siya, pero when i asked for ice cream from janna, he literally stood up and told me na siya na daw kukuha ng ice cream for me like wtf

and now im so confused kasi i just really dont know what to feel about it and i dont know if i want to think about it either way cause i know he isnt my type physically

so at the end of the day, here i am, crying my heart and eyes out as in kaninang umaga pa ko umiiyak kasi 1.) im grieving the weekend and how its almost over, 2.) im tired but super thankful kasi im really happy din talaga with how friday went, but 3.) love

love is confusing and i am exhausted and i wish i wasnt stuck in my daydreams to feel loved and to feel in love

but since ive dumped everything here, i can finally let go of all of these feelings and just enjoy my sunday before going back to work for another busy week

happy sunday, tumblr. thank you to those who really take their time to read my updates.

[inkdrop-flags]

Yeah, no body is probably gonna care really as we've been dead for abit but im just gonna call it here. We're exhausted and everytime i think of coming back, some other bs happens in the community and more people show their ass and more people get lost in the sauce and more people start claiming some bs that were just done at this point.

Im not gonna name names but seriously its getting old seeing the performative bs in this community. Its like watching a bunch of kids trying to blow out candles on a birthday cake and they are constantly shoving each other out of the way to be the first to blow the last candle out aka hamfist another political issue and talk over another group of people.

Everytime we speak, either nothing happens or people police every single thing i say. You cant be neutral on any issue. You cant be uninformed on any issue. You cant disagree on any issues. You cant respectfully disagree, every single issue you must agree on or else the other party is bigoted. Im tired of the constant stress and anxiety that i might not have the "right" opinion. Im tired of being constantly policed. Im tired of being constantly stressed. Im tried of the bs and fighting and the discourse and everything. Im tired of the bigotry and the ableism and just...

This isnt what our community is for. This isnt what we're here for. We're to give terms and flags and pronouns and identities, thats it. Thats your only job as a coiner. Thats it.

Im done. I may come back some day under a different blog and different name but i dont think ill ever emotionally or socially engage with this community in the end. Its toxic and immature and unneeded. We've been on so many different sides of different arguments both exclusionarily and inclusionarily and for how "loving, accepting, caring and kind" this community claims to be, ive seen more kindess from "exclusionists" than ive ever seen from this. Mogai feels like a blind rabid beast, hellbent on ripping any opposing opinion or honest question to shreds and pissing on its remains as it gloats how tolerant and loving it is. Antisemitism and racism is waved away with a simple utterance of "hyperfixation" or "fictive" or "critical consumption". Every -core is ok as long theres a -coric version. Real life murders turned into genders and people telling others to kill themselves on anon while they have suicide-baiters in their dni.

Everyone here is guilty. Either by your own actions or by allowing those who cause this chaos and pain and confusion to continue undisturbed. I know how it looks. Ive been the follower of a dead blog watching its creator have a meltdown about the horrors of the community and how it treats people and how they've never been more stressed and alienated then when they actively were in the mogai community. I thought they had issues but they werent wide spread. I thought they had grievances but they were only truely aimed at a few people. I thought it was isolated incident but now standing on the otherside, i see it for what it really is.

A performative rabid pack of mindless zombies that throw tragedy after tragedy at a wall in hopes you might like or reblog their content just for that milisecond of serotonin and acceptance. They boast how loving and accepting of all they are and how much they desire to kill and shred anyone who makes people feel unwelcome for not being the norm. That should of been your first red flag but you continued in anyway and the moment they see you and see one minor imperfection that isnt in their image they fucking eat you alive. They slander you and tell you to kill yourself and prey on every insecurity and throw all your triggers at you. They insult you for one wrong color in a flag. One wrong image id. One wrong opinion. One wrong stance. Because for some reason, in their warped and unraveled minds, they think they are building a utopia of blogs and posts and servers where they are free and the undesirables are snuffed out. Inclusion means everyone. Even people you dont like. Even people who disagree. Even people who've done horrendous shit. Of course they want the harmful ones out but their sensors are triggered if you even so much as hc some random character differently. Harmful means nothing in their eyes. Any sort of questioning is harmful. Just smile and wave and agree and maybe we wont slander you to our 5,000 follower base ✨😍😘🙏 it makes me fucking sick

This is the most defensive and trigger happy community i have ever seen in my life and im so happy to finally step out into the sun after being in this hell for 6 years. I love xenogenders. I love neopronouns. Ive hyperfixated and informed myself for years and at this point... That isnt what this community is right now. Its unnesseary tone policing. Its demanding to know someone's personal identity before allowing them to speak on a subject. Its silencing anyone who may disagree and forcing them into the outskirts because no one within their perfect bubble needs to see any form of opposition or healthy debate cause they need that 'safe space'. We needed that safe space too. We needed unconditional acceptance too.

Its so... White. Its so cisgender. Its so heterosexual. You all refuse to see the humanity in anyone with an opposing opinion and think that you've achieved the "pinnacle of progressivism" so your better than anyone you deem to have an exclusionary and challenging opinion. They are stupid or blind in your eyes to your truth and theres nothing more white and christian than that shit. If your truely sure about your beliefs, you'd be willing to step out of your comfort zone for once. You'd understand that opinions arnt on a slider but mulitple and theres no lane of good or bad opinions. You'd understand that some shit isnt valid and some identities should not exist or be accepted. You'd understand just how disconnected from the real living world you are cause your too busy typing up your responce to the most recent disaster to actually ever step on ground zero. Id bet money 80% of you have never stepped foot in a protest, never donated a dollar to someone in need. Its too inconvenient for you. Anything that requires more energy than sharing a useless gofundme or adding your support behind some petition is lost on you. You all claim to be bastions of knowledge about the community but you cant even tell me when the stonewall riot occured. Oh and i bet the petty ones of you just did a google search so you can smuggly reply it on this post or in your reblog,didnt you? Well there ya go huh? You only acknowledge the information that boosts you and im tired of it. Ive seen with my own eyes yall have the energy to scream your trauma and pain at some sysmed but claim their ableist for not Condensing their sources and expecting you to read it. Some of yall really think that mspec lesbians are being murdered in droves like trans women. You snap at people and treat them like shit then turn off all your replies and anons and reblogs then claim they were too big of a pussy to respond. Hypocrites, liars and cowards, the lot of us.

im tired of holding my tounge and looking to a big blog for guidence just so i dont get thrown off the ship. This community truely feels like the song life boat from heathers. No honor among thieves, eh? Im tired of being petrified that i dont align. Im tired of watching people i know treat people they claim to advocate for like shit just because they disagree on some inane online identity. Im tired of being talked over by people whose ego is bigger than their mouth. This community is like high school with clicks n shit. Some of yall really just turned into xenogender pansexual bullies. The moment you can let out some vitrol on someone, you go nuts. Your just as bad and i am no better. Someone cant even be neutral in this community without being lumped into the enemy.

I know ive joined some dogpiles. I know ive lied about some shit. Ive never lied about who i am though and so many people get caught race-faking or age-faking that i dont know who my enemies or allies are. I never have felt safe ever truely connecting and being vulnerable with this community and i dont think i ever will. With how many times ive seen full callouts include ss of people's private chats where someone talks about their trauma has told me this community will not stop at hell when it comes to digging shit up. I cant even be mad without someone policing my tone. Some of you are like me and lack empathy but everyone is capable of sympathy and so many of you utterly refuse to show it. You claim to be bleeding heart liberals but the moment the victim isnt perfect for you, you ignore their suffering. I still hold all my beliefs so no, theres nothing you can go digging through my dni to find to disagree upon to make my testamony go away.

I was one of you and ive never felt like i belonged. I was only here by name never feeling. I will turn people away from here to protect them. I will advise aginest coming here and involving themselves with you. I will tell them to say nothing and never socially interact. I'll tell them its not worth the extra 5,000 xenogenders they may find to fit them. Cause for me? It wasnt. Nothing about this was worth the pain and stress and irritation i endured just being a passive victim. Pinkfruitgender was right and we should of left when they did but we thought we might be able to push through. That was a load of shit.

I hope this community crashes and burns and the lot of you scatter. I know ill be there to rebuild an actual loving and accepting community in its place. One that invites healthy differences in opinions. One that dosent strawman their enemies they've never even listend to. One that actually knows whats harmful and what isnt. I have very little hope that this community will ever fully stop. I already see new and toxic up and coming blogs taking the place of those who left. For every good blog, theres 7 seething and hateful ones popping up and blocking one blog dosent protect you from the rest. I hope the far and few between good of you will be there to help me because i know you'll make the best of it. But until then..

Good fucking bye

-Millie and neo

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i cant talk to you right now - im angry at you. if you hadnt given me poor advice i wouldnt be in this situation right now, broke and traumatised.

i guess that anger is god teaching me to listen to my own intuition over everything else.

i just want to cry and sleep. like thats the extent of my bodys capabilities right now. just cry and sleep...

i tried to make myself a nice lunch. it was shit. i actually tried! and it was shit. its always when you make an effort.

i cleaned the bathroom but for some reason it didnt work. everything was still dusty, i was just spreading the dirt around. and already the sink is covered in stains again. why dont any of you respect the work i put into it?

i wash my car, its dirty again.

i go to work, my bank account stays empty.

i make plans, i never really wanted to in the first place.

i buy things i dont want.

i look at my face and judge every imperfection.

i look at photos of me when i was younger... i look playful and happy and free. i try to be like her again, but im afraid of becoming her again. anxious, angry, hurt, taken advantage of.

im uncomfortable in my body.

i dont like my life. i want to start my phd so i feel like i have a purpose again. purposeless purpose. distractions...

is she trying to steal my personality? is she a true friend? is anyone worth my fucking friendship? my time, my energy? im alone. ive always been alone. its exhausting but it WORKS. its how i cope. i dont need you to analyse my problems for me... you dont know me. you dont know my life, you dont understand who i am. no one is me, no one can be me. therefore no one can be THERE FOR ME> they dont know how. i cant show you how. you try and you try and its so futile. its so ingenuine. people only care about themself and what they can take from you for themself. im so fucking tired of it. im tired of using all my energy up on you. im logging off.

i like being by myself.

that day... my ex was so upset that id disappeared. but i had fun frolicking and exploring by myself. i was confused, something was wrong about the experience at hozier. as perfect as it was, something was wrong. i wanted to be there alone. i would have left early, i wouldnt have waited in line to buy drinks, i would have found a spot that suited me... it would have been mine and mine only.

i would have saved MY money by not going on a trip that wasnt my idea or intention.

i wouldnt have gone on that camping trip... i wouldnt have kept giving him chances when my gut told me something was off... i would have quit that job and stayed quit.

i need to figure out what i want. i know what i want right? wrong. i know what i want long term. what do i want right now? what do i fucking want? i want to cry, i want to write, i want to be alone. i want sex. good sex. i want to feel like myself again. i want to be alone. i want to scream at everyone who did this to me. i want to disappear.

i want to read, i want beautiful things to come back to me. i want revenge. i want revenge oh how i want my revenge... i want to smash his windows, i want to throw rocks in his house. i want to steal his mail? i want to hack all his shit and delete it all. i want to kill him. lol. i want to strangle him with my bare hands. you deserve to die, you know that though dont you? you deserve to die because you hurt a girl with a pure and genuine heart. you are pure fucking evil and you deserve to die a horrible death. i hope someone kills you. im glad someone keyed your car. i hope someone punches you in the face. i hope someone beats you like the pathetic piece of shit that you are. i know you get bullied at work because youre a cunt and deserve it. you deserve this shitty little life you live, youre a bad person, you deserve it. i hope you die. i hope you die, i hope you die, i hope that you fucking die.