#im terrible at social stuff to start with. making friends is really tough for me

[roguelioness]

.

[kakyoinryoko]

im curious what u think jotaros life pre sdc was like

probably not good from what we see but i’m not super into speculation about this sort of thing beyond what can be inferred on a pretty base level... like, i feel no need to have detailed headcanons about everything that happened to him exactly. i have vague ideas but nothing super in depth outside of how him being gay and trans affects things already established or implied. i don’t know what exactly jotaro’s high school fights would revolve around, for example, and i don’t particularly have any desire to come up with any headcanons for this. i say this but i’m about to drop an entire essay here i guess. cool, embarrassing, etc

i’ve talked about it a little before but i think Something happened to him between entering high school and reaching his third year that kinda fucked him up, and whatever it was caused him to start acting more coldly and harshly towards his mother, who he previously was very openly loving towards. i’ve heard people say that the only reason holly sees him that way at the beginning of sdc is because she has illusions about her son being a better and kinder person than he is, but that’s just not true. i don’t think the imagery of him dressing like a proper student and being happy to receive a valentine and smiling at her and openly expressing his love for her cooking were false memories, i think he actually said and did those things, it was just stuff that happened when he was younger, probably a first year. i’ve said it over and over, but as it is, in the present day (as of sdc), she fully understands what her son is like. she’s introduced into the series asking the cops how many people he killed. that was her instinctual guess upon hearing he was arrested—this says to me 1) he’s never been arrested before, but 2) she knows about the fighting he gets up to and has feared that this is where it would end at some point. she also emphasizes the fact that he can’t fool her when it comes to his tough guy act—she realizes that it’s deep beneath his extremely rough exterior, but he IS a good and caring person at heart. she never says anything about him that isn’t true, and anyone brushing her off as a dumb naive woman just isn’t reading between the lines. or maybe isn’t reading at all frankly. it’s all right there in front of you.

as for his past. at a guess. it seems like he doesn’t really have any friends at all, at any point in the manga, outside of the people we see him interacting with in the parts themselves. as of his childhood and teen years, the fact that he’s half american and his father is largely absent is one possible reason i have heard brought up before, but i think it’s also because he comes across as pretty weird and hard to get along with. as an autistic person i see a lot of myself and my own struggles with interpersonal relationships in jotaro, so i think his issues with people are in no small part because he is autistic himself. i’m not going to belabor the explanation here because others have made better posts than i could about why he reads so heavily as autistic, but i think it comes down to him missing social cues, and not coming across the way he intends to, and not being able to read the implications in the things people say to him, and him being trans on top of that would make him feel like even more of an odd one out. i think he would deal with that by being kind of a sukeban type, so at least his ostracization feels like he’s in control of it and he’s being strong, but even so, acting like a scary tough girl isn’t a replacement for transitioning.

i think he would start transitioning (which is to say, changing his name and presentation and starting testosterone, but that’s about all) late in middle school, around 14, so that by the time he’s a first year in high school he’s fully stealth. and it makes him happy at first, because people are talking to him as a boy, and using a boy’s name for him (perhaps part of why he’s so chill about people calling him by first name the second they meet him, since that’s a little odd to do otherwise), so for a time he’s a happy enough kid. i think t hits him pretty hard and fast, and he shoots up almost immediately and gets to be like six feet tall and buff and deep voiced by the time he’s like 15, so suddenly he’s not so much the awkward american girl as he is the super tall strong guy that the guys all fear and respect and the girls all have a crush on, which is maybe nice at first, but i think the allure would wear off pretty fast.

i don’t think he necessarily realizes that it’s because he’s gay, but we see ourselves pretty clearly that he doesn’t enjoy the attention from girls beyond maybe thinking it’s a better alternative to having them mock him like when he was younger. he hates having them crowd around him and fawn over him—he has no interest in any of them in the first place, and none of them ACTUALLY care who he is, just that he’s tall and strong and handsome, and he hates that. and then, of course, guys fearing and respecting him turns into people wanting to fight him, and something terrible happens as a result of that, and he ends up an extremely guarded and hostile person as a result, even to the ones he loves. it gets to the point where he’s a target for actual serious violence, even from grown adult gang members as we see at the start of sdc, so his desire to keep people away from him as a means of keeping them safe kicks in—and this is something that sticks with him for the rest of his life, even into his 40s with his daughter. only tangentially related but i think the true tragedy of part 3 is that he was finally getting over that mindset, he was finally starting to see value in keeping people close to him and trusting in and relying on others. but primarily we see him express this sentiment towards kakyoin. and kakyoin dies. and more specifically dies for jotaro. so that all comes crashing down hard, and he’s right back where he started.

back to the main point i also feel i should mention i’m 100% of the belief he has perfect grades and attendance even when he’s more into the delinquent act. i say act mostly because i don’t think he’s actually hugely into the whole bancho subculture; i don’t think he would actually join any gangs, i think he prefers to keep to himself until other people go looking to start shit with him, which he always finishes handily (allegedly, no one has ever seen him get hurt before). probably including the teacher who he ran off, regardless of whatever happened then—he says himself that injustice and harming the weak makes him extremely mad, so there was definitely more going on there than just “jotaro got mad at a teacher because he’s a violent person and beat the shit out of him for no reason and so the guy got scared and quit,” though i don’t really care to speculate deeper than that. the teacher was not an innocent party is all i’m saying.

i suppose this is all just an unreasonably long winded way of saying “idk but i sure think about it a lot.” basically just extrapolations from the way he interacts with his peers from what little we see, and from the bio about him coming across in a much more cold and aloof way than he thinks he does, and from his relationship with his mom, and from what we see based on her memories of him when he was younger.

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 1 - Haruna Fuuka files lawsuit against internet slanderers

*with Kaoru (K), Joe (J), Tasai (T) , who is a journalist writing for the newspaper Tokyo Sports, and Kami/god.*

Kaoru: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru. Have you heard of 'The Freedom of Expression' somewhere before?

Joe, Tasai : *noding*

K: I've a feeling we've done this before...

J: Thats right, yes...Its not a feeling, we actually did.

K: We are reviving the show we did on the radio station InterFM from 2015-16, on youtube this time.

J: Awesome

*applause*

J: I was really happy when I was first told about the revival.

K: I was also surprised *laughs*

J: Its not that you were made to revive the show though, right Kaoru?

K: The suggestion just came at me.

J: Oh really, like 'How about it?'

K: Like, 'Wanna tryy?' 1*

J: Ah, in a Kansai accent?

K:Yes yes

J: Like, 'Lets tryyy'..kind of thing...it started like that *laughs*

K: Yep

J: We did quite a lot (on InterFM). We even did a special edition

K, T : Yes, we did

J: We even made stickers

K: Brazil!

J:Yes

T: Ah, the live broadcast..at the Olympics

J: It was Dobashi san...Bishbash Dobashi san.

T: It would be good if we could do another live broadcast at this year's Tokyo Olympics.

J: On this You tube channel?

T: Yes *laughs*

J: A live broadcast might be a bit difficult legally, as for the Olymipcs *T laughs*

K: Um, thats *shhh*

J: Oh, its a secret!' *K laughing*  Maybe if were are asked by Tokyo Sports..?

K: Yes yes...So, as to the freedom of expression... 

Kami/god: Wait, wait, wait..I've come down too.

J: Oh, Kami?

K: He's saying it from himself *laughs*..I thought he would come if we beckoned him though.

J: Thats what usually happened. He was the kind of god that would come down after we called him, but now a god that comes down on his own accord.

K: Wasn't he like that before too? Should we keep him in reseve a bit more?

J: He'll want to appear, we can't help it?

Kami: You were forgetting about me!

K: We are not forgetting you!

Kami: You musn't forget your god!

*laughing*

T: We are not forgetting you!

Kami: Its not good!

J: You are always in our hearts.

T: Yes, he is.

Kami: Yes, thats it..you have to think like that.

J: But, you are not in the studio today, kami?

Kami: Oh..um, im just getting off a night shift..

J: A night shift?!

K: Ah, but it was like that before..

Kami: Right.

J: You are doing night shift work again? *Tasai laughs*

Kami: yes, thats right.

K: That was a while ago wasn't it, how many years ago?

J: Oh, is this the night shift season?

Kami: No, its..

T: You worked for ￥1000 per hour right?

Kami: Yes, yes...my hourly rate has risen a bit though. They were telling me 'Take a rest, take a rest', so my income dropped.

J: Ahh, its what they called a 'reformed working style', right?

Kami: Right

J: Its tough for you too, Kami.

Kami: *laughs* Yes it is.

K: He's the same as ever...  so lets get started.

J, T: Please

K: Ah, by the way, Tasai san, as well as Bishbashi Dohashi san, wasn't there another person before (at InterFM)?

T: Yes..a beastly guy *K laughs* An old aquaintance of the listeners', a guy called Monster Hiranabe.

J: Its a strange story, but once when a certain celebrity died, Hiranabe-san called me up, and asked me if I had known the deceased guy...as soon as I said that I hadn't known him very well, he hung up on me straight away!

T: Thats awful!

J: He is awful

T: This very guy, Hiranabe, even got a promotion from the manager.

J: Eh? Promoted to what?!

T: To Director

J:Eh?! Really?

K: Is that okay??

J: No, it'll be terrible!

K: Right, lets move onto the main news...I'd like to get deeper into the concept of 'The Freedom of Expression'.

J: Right, so Haruna Fuuka has filed a lawsuit againts those who engage in 'internet slander'.

A tweet stated 'Both her parents created a failure'.

On Jan 14th, 18 year old Haruna and her mother filed a lawsuit at Yokohama district court demanding ￥2,654,000 in damages from a person engaged in spreading falsehoods which have damaged her dignity.

On the acknowledgement that these tweets went beyond what was deemed acceptable by society at large, on Nov 1st the internet provider was ordered to make public the persons name and address etc.

Haruna has been tweeting since the age of 9, giving her opinion at random about society's problems, and creating a stir. She now has over 200,000 followers and is fighting 10 years of slander. Kaoru, what do you think about this?

K: Well..I mean, naturally, you'd feel like that..

J: Hmm, but I don't know the details but..the name of the defendant has been withheld...well, its a common problem that as a person speaking in the public eye, you are going to get criticism along with praise...like a 'fame tax'.  That said, how far do you go before honour is damaged? On SNS, you are of course free to express yourself, you can write what you want, but the issue is what constitutes damage to honour. This might be a very difficult area in which to draw a legal line, but on the other hand, if you don't draw a legal line, things may escalate out of control...Kaoru, what do you think?

K: Well for example, if banter between friends is written down...controlling that...Its best not to look at whats written in the first place.

J: Ah, the person in question right? By the way Kaoru, its a strange question, but do you search for yourself online?

K: No, not really. I hear things, the office staff will tell me.

J: Oh, if anything is being said?

T: In the world of fame its quite true, that even if 98 or 99 opinions out of 100 are good, the one negative thing will stand out.

K: Well, yes, its the bad things that..

J: On the other hand, from the writers'  perspective at Tokyo Sports, how far are you willing to slander someone? You could write an article in a good or bad way..

T: Of course balance is important, but of course, if the courts want to complain to us, they can call us, and start an exchange, but in the case of slanders on the internet, its like, who do you complain to? So, if you ask celebrities, they will say Tokyo Sports slander is better than anonymous online slander because at least they can complain to our face.

J: Mm, absolutely. Just how far do we protect these tweets, these freedoms of expression? Its difficult.

K: Are these really 'expressions'?

J: Well, esentially, yes. When you say 'tweets' you think of nonsense, but really its media expressing things, or artists expressing things..

K: Yes, yes, you can get a sense of individual expression.

J: And this especially has the power to influence...

K: Yes, and people get swept up in it.

J: I think this is universal, but at the moment I think Japan is bit like a geyser, people will rush towards any incident and some will start complaining, I mean, I think its important to say what you feel, but its complaining without trying to solve anything, only satisfying yourself.

K: Thats it

J: Its sounds strange to say, but it ends like masturbation. If it turns into something towards a soloution its ok, but just creating thoughtless slander to satisfy yourself is questionable.

K: So its often said, if you continue the conversation only looking at the bad things, it can't be helped. There are also good people out there..you know, put more importance on those people. How to put it...its like we said before, if you focus too much on that one out of a hundred, its kind of rude to the other 99.

J: I see. Still this person has over 200,000 followers and its said she has been fighting slander for ten years.

T: She's always been a bit of a talking point online. I'll just search for her.

J: I also have Instagram, I do stuff to do with societal problems on The Dave Fromm show's youtube channel, and whenever I upload about it (on IG), my followers decrease!  *everyone laughs* Outrageously decrease! Im serious, despite getting so far, that channel updates every week, and with every update my followers decrease. Maybe people hate reading about societal problems..*to Tasai* What did you find?

T: So for example there was that thing recently about regulating gamers to 60mins per session, she had quite a few things to say about that, playing vs learning etc.

J: I see..Young people do complain, well you can't really tell here, but on the other hand, young people these days, i know they would hate us old guys talking about this, but young people apparently have three main taboos. The first is talking about sex, they dont follow this, the second is politics, they don't follow this either, and the other one is, they don't like being made to talk about the kind of things that they really need to be talking about...there seems to be this kind of trend. So i think in this way...theres a chance Haruna is getting right to the point of this. But certainly, applying the law in a way that recognises infringement/damage to honour by way of personal utterances has the potential to lead to restrictions on the freedom of expression. Its a difficult play off, isnt it?

T: Yes, it really is

J: Obviously, when it comes to race, or racial discrimination, there has come to be rules concerning hate speech and so on, but how far can you regulate one-to-one slandering, or..how far can you protect the person being attacked? Should the country or the judiciary decide this? Its difficult.

K: Kami, what do you think? Are you there?

Kami: Well, I hear slanders towards me all the time *everyone laughs* Like, god tells lies, god is useless, or even that there is no such thing as god!

J: Ahh, i see. They deny you!

Kami: Yes, thats it. If I care about those things, I lose!

J: Do you search for yourself online?

Kami: I do. *everyone laughs* ..and whenever I do its only ever those things that come up.

J: Ah of course...Kami, you have an exceptionally good handle on social media  dont you?

T: He's great

Kami: Ive got a good handle on it.

J: Do you use an iphone?

Kami: I have two.

J: God has two iphones! Thats brilliant.

Kami: Yep, I have two...im not allowed to use them while im working.

T: Does he have a contract? With his address and such?

J: I can't tell whether he's great, or whether he's not so great...

Kami: If i care, I lose...I prefer them to hate me, rather than to be indifferent to me.

K: Kami, what do you think about playing computer games for one hour?

Kami: If the kid is good at it, they should keep doing it.

T: I see, i see.

J: Ohh not sure about that. That seems a bit out.

Kami: No, i really think so. Skilled kids can carry on playing.

K: Should unskilled ones give up?

Kami: Yes, they shouldn't do it...When they play all day, and they just can't clear the level..that kind of kid.

K: Its a waste of time right?

Kami: Exactly, its a waste.

J: They should do something else?

Kami: Yes

K: You should quit if you have no talent for it?

Kami: Yes, yes, its talent.

J: Well, just getting off a nightshift must be tiring.

K: For us too, you know, we should try not to say 'stop it' too quickly...we have to keep it interesting.

Kami: It was interesting though, I was listening.

T: Oh thank you.

Kami: But don't tell lies about me.

T: If you thought it was interesting, you should write about it on your social media.

Kami: Yeh, everyone pretends on social media anyway, they won't know its me.

K: Well, that was the first episode of 'The Freedom of Expression' but, should I ask how it was..? *laughs*

J: But, being together again after a while was refreshing..

K,T: Yes, thats right

T: Im happy.

J: So am I.

K: Well, so we started in this vein....Tune in next time to see how it goes.  So this time, only this camera, theres nothing here *gestures behind*, but if lots of people watch, we could go different places, increase our cameras. I still don't know about your fee, Joe.

J: Eh?! What do you mean? It says here my fee will stay the same!

K: I might have to lower it *laughs*

J: *coughs* You're only lowering mine?...But everyone please subscribe.

K: Yes please. Please look forward to next time. Thank you very much.

1* They are saying 'How about this?' in a Kansai accent, how to translate that??

[manga-and-stuff]

Interview with Makoto Yukimura, the Mangaka behind Vinland Saga

REALQ: What kind of child were you? Yukimura: I was a laid back kid, who took a very, very long time to come to a decision. I'd be late to dinner because I was thinking about something or other. Once, while I was alternately touching the right and left eyes of a snail, I became aware that night had fallen. I wondered why my group of friends were always in such a hurry. I would focus on something and lose the ability to tell if time was passing quickly or slowly.

REALQ: When did you first encounter manga? Yukimura: I was five-years-old and the manga was Akira Toriyama's Dr. Slump. I remember thinking the cover art was cool. When I was little, I used to think that the cover art and the story inside were drawn by different people. [Laughs]    But I watched the Dr. Slump anime before I read the manga. Later, someone told me that there was a manga that the anime was based on and I found the weekly magazine where it was serialized. In the beginning, I was dubious. I didn't see why there needed to be both a manga and an anime. Like, why do the same thing twice? How-ever, after I saw them both it made sense because each had its own idiosyncracies. REALQ: Did your parents say anything to you about reading manga? Yukimura: No, they never said anything. They came from a generation who said reading manga made you an idiot, but they didn't say any-thing. They didn't say anything when I told them at 16 that I wanted to draw manga, either.

REALQ: Was there anything that your parents, siblings, or people around you would say to you often?

Yukimura: There certainly must have been various things, but I don't remember because I was probably concentrating on something else at the time and didn't hear them. However, one thing I do remember is being told to watch out for cars. Like, at the very least, try not to die. [Laughs] Nevertheless, I really did get into a traffic accident. Once, on my way to the park to play with my friends, I ran out into the street and got hit on the side by a sedan. I rolled over the top of the car—the hood, wind-shield, top, rear window, then the trunk. Strangely, I wasn't seriously injured and played in the park afterwards. Actually, there was also another incident.    My sister and I were riding together in a car. It was just the two of us and as we were going down a hill, a car suddenly appeared and we hit its side. I was sitting in the backseat and was launched forward like a catapult. My sister was so surprised she called out, "Mako, you're flying!" Strangely, I wasn't injured that time either, and we decided not to tell our mother. [Laughs] REALQ: Did your way of thinking change after the accident? Yukimura: I think that if it did change, I wasn't conscious of it. Despite being a near-death experience, it was a miracle I wasn't injured. My mother getting angry at me afterward was more frightening. [Laughs] In terms of my "way of thinking," I'm a little different. Like something in me is lacking. It's often the case that for some reason I don't fully comprehend a conversation even if I'm really trying to concentrate on what the other person is saying. What's the reason? If I'm honest about it, it's because I'll start thinking about something else, even if it's just for a moment. REALQ: Did you also have trouble paying attention during class at school? Yukimura: Yeah. Especially classes that didn't interest me. I continued to have this problem in high school, where I'd often be sitting in class and before I realized it, the bell would ring. However, my notebook would have stuff drawn in it...manga. REALQ: Didn't teachers or friends say anything? 

Yukimura: In high school, I didn't have much of a social life, so nobody said anything. I went to reasonably academic schools [REALQ Editor's note: Yukimura graduated from Chuo University and Suginami High School] and my peers studied quite hard. The feeling that I was so different from most of the people around me had a big effect on me. I didn't fit in. I lived in my own world.

REALQ: Did student life give you anxiety? Yukimura: Anxiety was the only thing I really felt. In a way, isn't school a microcosm for society? Despite it being a microcosm, there's this feeling of being left behind. That made me really anxious and sad. But as a result of suffering in this way, I realized that society existed out-side of this microcosm—a kind of society that I had never experienced inside the microcosm of school.

REALQ :What lead you to have this epiphany? Yukimura: It occurred to me out of the blue one day when I was feeling totally devastated. I was 16. One autumn day after school I thought to myself, "I'll finish high school because if I don't, it will make my parents sad. But participating in a society reflected in this kind of microcosm will be impossible." It was just like that moment when a cup is filled to the brim with water and suddenly the surface tension breaks and it overflows.  However, thinking this made me feel better. Until that point, the "ruler" for determining success since the first year of high school had been getting good grades, getting into a good college, and then finding a job with a good company. This ruler contained within it a system of values for how one should live their life. When I decided that this was not the ruler I wanted to use to measure my own life, things became a lot easier for me. I used to get burnt out worrying so much about getting decent enough grades that would allow me to get into university. Like, "please let me just graduate!" Realizing that there was another way to live was a lifesaver. 

Of course, I think it made my parents nervous. In that era, there was still a deeply rooted notion that one's academic background was im-portant and working for a good company made you a good person. Back then, this was like saying, "Your child is the type of kid who won't find their way in the world." It was like throwing away the most important ruler and replacing it with a new ruler that was a little bent and covered with indecipherable markings. [Laughs]    REALQ: Was there anyone from your high school days who had an influence on you? Yukimura: A teacher who taught classical literature. He was apparently a teacher with quite bizarre interpretations of the material. More than anything else, what left the greatest impression on me was when he used class time to talk about how wonderful Michael Ende was [REALQ Editor's note: a German writer of children's fiction]. He introduced me to The Never Ending Story. Once I knew about Michael Ende, he became an influence on me. It was the first book I knew of in which someone wrote a book because he had a sense of obligation and a goal in relation to society and the world. I thought that someone who wrote a book because he felt that it was something he had to do was a rather beautiful thing to wish for. REALQ: Next up... Yukimura discusses the connection between himself and Thorfinn Karlsefni, the protagonist of his Vinland Saga. Is there anything that makes you hesitate when you draw your manuscripts? 

Yukimura: For characters, it's probably the hands. Hands take time to do well. The strength of a character's grip on a sword, for example. Male and female hands are hard to differentiate, too. Hands are the most expressive part of a character, after the face. 

I've heard that you can tell a person's personality from their hands, so I always look at them. [Laughs]    You can fake a facial expression, but your hands will show how hard you work or how hard you don't. If you show the character's life in their hands, you'll get a good result. REALQ: When did you start paying attention to how you drew hands? Yukimura: Since I was young. But I still find it difficult now. When I look at the work of other manga artists, sometimes the faces are well drawn, but the hands are not. To put it bluntly, if I were to choose among artists, I would choose them by how they draw their hands. REALQ: Is there anyone whose work you reference? Yukimura: I'm especially influenced by artists with high amounts of realism. When it comes to hands, it's gotta be Katsuhiro Otomo. 

It's not just his hands, though. It's everything. [Laughs] 

Also, the young, up-and-coming artists are all quite good. Their hands are pretty, but you can see the structure clearly as well. REALQ: Any thoughts on these hands? [While looking at Sigurd's hands in the manuscript] Yukimura: Yes. These hands are drawn fairly well. In Sigurd's case, de-spite the muscularity, his hands are not rough. That's because he has his underlings do the tough work. In Thorfinn's case, he has many small cuts, and there is more cracked and peeling skin.

REALQ: Are there any scenes in Vinland Saga strongly influenced by your own experience? Yukimura: When Thorfinn is on his knees, apologizing. [Laughs] The part where he says, "Please. I won't ask you to forgive me, but allow me to live a bit longer." I've been drawing manga for 20 years. There's always a shadow of guilt that hangs over me. I'm sorry for being so selfish. So, I feel I have to, at the very least, draw something that readers will love... I'm nothing without that. Thorfinn is a young viking from medieval Europe. Since his teens, he's pillaged, fought in wars, and done many other terrible things. His feelings change as he grows, and he starts to feel guilt for his past actions. The ghosts of those he killed appears in his dreams, and he is ravaged by nightmares.    I am only here today because of the care of those around me. I am truly thankful. If anything about Thorfinn comes from my experiences, it has to be this. In his current state, the protagonist has no right to convict anyone else. No matter what kind of scoundrel he meets, Thorfinn always feels that he has done something worse in the past. I think it's good this way.

REALQ: Did you know from the beginning that Thorfinn would become the way he did? Yukimura: Yeah. The story began with the premise that the protagonist is fated to have done many terrible things. He goes from being the oppressor to being the oppressed, and in doing so, he learns many things and becomes an adult. He then departs, saying, "I will go to a new land beyond the sea and build a peaceful country." That is an escape from the values that dominated European society. They do not feel that it is bad to wage war and plunder other countries. And, although their opponents are human beings, they believe they have the right to make the weak into slaves and kill them if they need be. In the society of that time, such things were seen as good things. Thorfinn experiences—and hates—both. But he is powerless to change the system... So he decides to leave. There will be terrible bloodshed if he decides to change the world. So he leaves it to Canute. Because Canute has the power and the shorter path. "I am different," he says. "I will live in a different way." When I put it into words, it seems like a lot of what I think is reflected in my work. [Laughs]

REALQ: From your childhood experiences and your writing process, I get the feeling you are a perfectionist who doesn't com-promise when it comes to goals or ideals. Do the people around you feel the same way? 

Yukimura: I think I am a perfectionist. In the past, my seniors and teachers would say, "If 100 points is amazing work and 0 points is nothing, it's easy to get to 80 points. However, each point beyond that is incredibly difficult. Past 90, it's so rough that you'll start spitting blood. And nobody gets to 100." I don't know if, by absolute standards, my work is at 80 points. But, for my own standards, I care a lot about each of those 1 or 2 points beyond 80. I care so much that others see the changes I make and say, "He pushed back the deadline for this? What's changed?" [Laughs] I've even rewritten an entire manuscript before. REALQ: Is it really rough when you have to throw out a whole manuscript? Yukimura: It's sad that to know the work won't produce results, but the worst possible thing for me is to feel regret afterwards. If I can choose to suffer for a brief moment as I draw, then I'll do it. The regrets afterward stay around much longer... REALQ: Are you happy about the reactions of your overseas readers? Yukimura: Yeah. It's encouraging to know they like my work. Especially when I heard some of them were reading Vinland Saga side-by-side with a dictionary. I forgot which language they were translating from and into, though. [Laughs]

REALQ: Let me change the subject: Advice from adults to children... Do you think it's important to emphasize the importance of having dreams? Should we tell kids to have dreams and tell them their dreams will come true? Yukimura: I used to think dreams were just desires. However, I was a good-for-nothing back then, so I think I was being resentful. [Laughs] At the very least, I don't think doing whatever you want to do is a beautiful thing. That's just you doing what you want to do. The truly beautiful things are helping others, volunteering, things like that... Finding a home for a stray dog, or doing things that no other person wants to do—that's beautiful.    This includes me, but to do what you want to do is simply selfishness. I received my role in society, but I couldn't carry it out. I wasn't a modest enough person for that. I said such things because I thought I would do what I wanted to do no matter what other people said to me. It's the same for everyone, I think. Those who do what they want and succeed are simply the ones who ended up with a place in society. It's a miracle. After all, what some people want is to carry out meaningless terrorism... But it's the same thing. Both are "dreams." REALQ: If you could give an hour of advice to your younger self, what would you say? Yukimura: I'd say, reflexively, to be 3 times as careful of oncoming traffic. [Laughs] More seriously, I'd say, "You're worried that you're inferior to others. But don't worry." I'd tell myself that there isn't only one ruler to mea-sure yourself by. "Humans come in all sorts," I'd say. "There's not a single number line that we all stand on." Text by Shuta Miura

[dredreadsdrawing]

Oc-tober day 5: Old

For Day 5’s challenge, I brought back what I believe to be my first trans character haha. This will start as cringe plz bear with me. Im copy pasting the Quickie I had planned for a post in my writing blog.

PunchLine: Quickie Summary

Just suddenly grew nostalgic of this story lol. Notes before delving into the plot:

-        I literally started this story’s concept when I was in 5th – 6th grade and first watched Ouran High School Host Club. My kid brain was mad at Haruhi for not taking advantage of her passing as a boy so I made what started as a self-insert oc that gradually transformed into my first trans character ever. Whack, lol.

-        Just a side thing, most of my damn stories have playlists and I swear, All Time Low/All American Rejects songs are exclusively this story’s official soundtrack.

-        The main character’s name is super…. Wow lol. Please bear with me I might change it, just… this was a story I started making when I was 11 and really liked ‘unique’ names instead of conventional ones >X,,D

-        Please have mercy on my tiny weeb soul.

Lolol ok, plot start naw. Keep in mind I was very influenced by anime at this point of my life so I started this in a stereotypical Japanese setting but made it more Americanized over the years. Big oof.

Protagonist (I called em Echo lol) is a hella poor girl living pretty much by herself in a shitty apartment. Her aunt is her caretaker but she’s never home and she doesn’t work. Echo has to work a job herself to make money for food. She has a quiet personality, long, terrible hair with split ends everywhere, and a boxy frame. She works doing lots of manual labor, adding to her poor health.

Because she’s always been quiet, no one knows who she really is. She’s just ‘that poor girl who never talks’,  and they mostly leave her alone. One particularly shitty night however, after getting fired without her pay, she gets caught by some hotshot popular dude and his cronies with her work uniform on. Kids aren’t supposed to work. He takes a picture and threatens to turn her in if she doesn’t follow him. He’s just looking for some easy fun with a docile girl he can make do anything. She’s done being docile.

In true anime fashion she beats the hell out of these dudes, trash talking them the entire time. She’s merciless, bashing them all black and blue until they pass out. Only once everyone but the main instigator is down does she take his phone. “I have back-ups!” The boy exclaims through broken teeth. She looks at him and posts the image onto his feed herself. She’s done going to school anyways. She destroys the phone, laughing, and he loses consciousness. She gets up and dusts herself off.

She had a spectator. Some dude had watched the whole thing from his fancy car. He thinks he could use someone like her.

The following week goes as expected. She’s expelled. Her aunt came to act as a concerned guardian in front of the school but left immediately after. She took Echo’s savings. Echo is laying in her mattress on the floor, pretty much wishing to be dead when a knock on the door breaks her concentration.

Oh boy. It’s the spectator dude with two other boys (one of em may end up being cut lol). He has a proposition. She join their prestigious team from some fancy school for something (idk I initially had her join a mob lol but these kids are still in highschool. Maybe their fighting club?) and they’ll pay for her tuition and living expenses. But there’s a catch. The team is boys-only and she has to crossdress. She signs up immediately anyways lol. From now on, she will live as a boy (so I will use he/him pronouns).

Hmm… mayhaps the reason Echo has such a ‘unique’ name is because he chose it himself. Like the edgy teen he is. Cries.

Echo packs his stuff and goes with em. He hears the specifics about his new group. Eric is the leader, who’s father founded the group. He clearly puts on an aura of being tough and in control, but his delivery is too forced. The spectator dude that found Echo is his co-leader, a guy who actually knows what he’s doing, but doesn’t want to overthrow Eric because he thinks it’s funny seeing him struggle. He is a dick lol. Depending on whether or not I’ll use him, the third dude is Eric’s best friend from childhood meant to be the soft one who helps Echo settle at first.

Moving on, I don’t have a coherent timeline of events, just scattered things that will happen. For sure, Eric and Echo keep butting heads, mostly because Eric tries to control Echo and the group as a whole too much, and Echo is like ‘dude, your demanding for perfection only makes me want to screw things up more to show you how unhealthy your expectations are. And also cuz youre cute when you’re mad.’

Eric has a legacy to live up to. He’s the classic worrywart trying to live up to an image and failing. Echo was brazen at first with his trying to mess Eric up, but he softens as he realizes how much it effects Eric. They eventually hear eachother out and come to a compromise. That’s the start of their friendship.

Then, a year later, comes Kimmie. She’s Eric’s childhood crush. She’s short, she’s plump, and she has a rude attitude. Eric’s been a simp for her since he was a kid. He tries way too hard to make her see him as a romantic partner; she’s the reason he grew out his hair when he heard her casually mention she likes it long.

What’s his reason for liking her so much? When they were kids, Eric was plump too, but unlike with her, kids would pick on him because he always just took it. She defended him a lot, and her fiery personality mixed with her ability to hit kids and get away with it made her feared. He idolized her ever since.

She reacts to this as well as you’d imagine a childhood crush staying just a crush is handled. Meaning she clearly sets up walls around him and tells him he’s not interested. Echo, however, catches her eye.

After a P.E session, Kimmie follows Echo to his usual changing place and catches him with his top off. Kimmie knew Echo was a ‘girl.’ Kimmie explains she had seen Echo before his transition. Echo laughs it off, finding her brazenness cute. “So what now? You wanna tell the school?” “… I require you for something actually…”

Kimmie is dating Echo now. Eric is devastated. Kimmie flaunts Echo around like a trophy, breaking many girl’s hearts that had previously asked him out. Echo has to follow her around as a part of their deal, but he doesn’t mind it. The more he learns about her, the more he likes her.

Eric tries to confront him about it along with his friends. Eric’s approach is…. Well… “You’re faking this, right? You don’t like girls, you’re not really a boy!” “Dude, I like what I like. Deal with it.” This response further punches Eric in the gut as everyone laughs nervously.

Some big event comes and Echo is Kimmie’s plus one. Eric doesn’t want to attend it so he stays in the mansion. Echo is feeling the guilt of the situation more with each day that passed. At the event, him and Kimmie have a great time, but when they escape the crowd and are alone, she tries for a kiss. Echo doesn’t proceed. Kimmie is disappointed, but Echo explains.

“I know the real reason you wanted to date me. It’s the same reason you touch my chest so much, why you wanted to see me in a dress, and why you told Eric you like long hair. Kimmie, you like girls.” He steps away from her. “And I can’t be your girlfriend in disguise.”

Kimmie is floored. She begins to cry. Echo is right. She’s a lesbian but she never wanted to accept it. She kept telling herself she’d find the right boy, and when Echo came, it felt so perfect. She thought she could just slip in and pretend that she was straight. But she isn’t.

She apologizes. She says, however, that she truly does like Echo now. Echo sighs and rubs their neck. “You can’t like me Kimmie… I’m not…” Kimmie thinks it through. “But… you were a girl before! The only reason you’re dressed like this is because of the contract!” “Yeaaaah… but I kinda like it now. This feels…. Better. More me.” Echo grins with confidence. “I’m a man now.”

Kimmie takes Echo’s figure in and sighs. “Ew. I can’t be date a man.” They laugh and break up, Echo going back home. Kimmie returns to the party and is spotted by one of Eric’s friends. He asks where Echo is and she tells him everything. Echo is going home, him and Kimmie just broke up. The friend tells Kimmie some comforting words before running away to the hall to call Eric and tell him the good news. Kimmie is available again, and he can be more aggressive this time!

Eric is slumped in the couch after binging Netflix and eating a pint of icecream. When he hears the news, his mind is stuck on only one piece of information. Echo is coming back home. Instead of feeling happy about Kimmie being available again, Eric realizes Echo is coming back after a break up. His worrywart tendencies has him picturing a comedically sobbing Echo, ruthlessly broken up with by Kimmie, wondering how he could continue to live without her. He cleans up the couch and by the time Echo enters, he’s saved him a spot on the couch and his own pint of icecream. Echo laughs but sits right beside him, accepting the comfort, even if Eric doesn’t know the full story. They have a nice night together, and by the morning, Kimmie’s sexuality is revealed thanks to a picture she posted in her social media celebrating with a girl she kissed.

She’s officially out and happier for it. Eric congratulates her when they run into eachother in the hallway. She’s surprised he’s not as sad as she expected him to be, but she’s touched by how genuinely kind he’s being to her. They stay friends, and even get closer thanks to Kimmie now putting her walls down again.

Movin on to another story event, Eric’s mom has been away for most of Echo’s stay, but she comes back. Eric has made it clear that Echo should stay away from her, and never let her know his transition. She somehow finds out thanks to some mishaps anyways. When the contract is revealed, she is ASTOUNDED that her boy would force a GIRL to live as a MAN. She’s putting a stop to this! She takes Echo away for a weekend spa treatment, girling Echo up, talking over him through the whole thing, never listening to his complaints and only reassuring herself that Echo is safe now and free to be pretty and feminine once more! It’s the proper way!

Needless to say Echo is uncomfortable.

The more Eric’s mom talks about herself and her own life, it’s clear that her way of thinking stems from some issues she had as a kid, being forced to work and to give up feminine things, but Echo doesn’t feel like she did at all. And though Echo enjoys some of the spa things, and doesn’t much mind being put in a dress, he just… prefers a suit. Would rather stay at home training with the group. Would rather keep his hair short as opposed to the length Eric’s mom proposes him to grow it at. It’s a bunch of little things, but they culminate in solidifying to Echo… he just wants to stay a boy. He’s not being forced to be one. He genuinely likes it.

When they return from their trip, Echo is in a skirt and heels. He is dolled up with professional make up and styled hair. The group ogles him, but as comments get thrown around about how good Echo looks as a girl, Eric can’t feel the same. He just feels it’s too… off. He doesn’t bring it up, he’s afraid he’ll hurt Echo’s feelings. All his mom’s mutterings got to him, and Eric feels guilty for forcing Echo to live as a man. 

During dinner, he reassures his mom and Echo that they can get rid of the contract and Echo can live in their house and attend their school clause free.

Echo stops him right there.

“I don’t want to be a girl. I’m a boy.”

Eric and his mom are confused. They try to reassure Echo, but Echo continues. “No. No offence ma’am, but all weekend, you have talked over me, never listening to what I have to say. I don’t want to be a girl. I am not like you. I do not share your experiences nor your desires. I like being a boy. I like being called a boy. I like dressing like a boy. I want to be known as a boy.”

Echo gets up.

“I’m going to go change now. But before I go, I want to keep the contract. I have no problem with any of the conditions.” Echo looks at Eric and smiles. “I like being a part of the group and competing with you guys.” He’s flustered by his sincerity. Echo leaves. For the rest of the day, Echo is unbothered in his room, but when night comes, Eric goes up to bring him some food.

Echo didn’t really wash off the make up very good (damn that high quality stuff), and his hair is a mess. But he’s in comfortable clothes and he brings in Eric so they can hang. They talk about trivial stuff at first, spend an hour playing a game, and when it’s 3am, Eric gathers the guts to talk about it. That he’s glad Echo stood up for himself, and he sees him as a boy too. Echo bursts into laughter, teasing Eric.

“So that’s what you were so nervous about. I thought you were planning to ask me on a date.” More flustered Eric. “W-Why would I-“ Echo gives him a half hug that stops him, hiding his own blushing face. “Thanks…” Eric hugs him back. It’s yet another sweet moment before they finally get together…. In some other event in the future mwahahaha. Idk, I haven’t decided yet when they confess and actually start going out ;p cries.

Welp, there ya go. This is a story I still cringe at because of how anime it starts but damn these chars got me. I love Echo, Eric and Kimmie ;o; I’m sorry I’m a sucker v-v

[sunsmitten]

     This is something that’s been bothering me lately and i feel the need to give my two cents. im starting to see homophobic comments abt gay ships on my dash and while the people saying them may not think it’s homophobic, it is. no one has to really read this, it’s just something i want to put out there. it’s my personal experience with a group of people that were very Straight Ship centered, heteronormative, and would frequently make the very same comments others are starting to make here: “gay ships are being shoved down my throat so now i hate gay shipping and want nothing to do with it” or you know, stuff along those lines. if two people rping two girls kissing or two boys kissing bothers you in any way, literally, in any way at all, it is homophobia. and here’s a good chunk of how shit like that grows and can become something very harmful;

when i very first started rping on tumblr i had made an oc ( both the oc and blog are looooong gone by now ) that wasn’t very attracted to women romantically or sexually. he didn’t define his sexuality, but throughout that blog i made it clear he wasn’t really into women.

i eventually made friends with this group of people who also rped on tumblr. in the beginning everything was fine, great and fun! but after some time they would make me feel bad for only putting my oc in a relationship with a man. in order for me to be included and not repeatedly discarded by them, i would actively have to put my oc in a ‘straight ship.’ and unfortunately, that’s what i did. i immediately noticed a difference with how they treated me when i finally shipped my guy oc with one of their girls oc’s, and i would have to repeatedly sit through them saying transphobic and homophobic comments abt other people’s ships and muses ( it was the transphobia in this community that made me leave in the first place ). they would constantly express their bitterness towards m/m and f/f shipping on the internet bc it was “more popular” than their m/f ships, and when i would try to explain how that wasn’t a good viewpoint to have, I would be ostracized, guilt tripped, and forced to apologize and ‘admit’ that i was wrong.

as i got older and more comfortable with my sexuality, i really only ever viewed/read content centered around m/m and f/f because like. im gay. and i wanna see gay shit, ya know? but that didn’t really fly with them. they’d would continuously make me feel guilty for this, call me misogynistic for liking m/m and f/f over m/f because to them being gay and wanting to see gay content makes me hate women, and i was called the big word itself. Heterophobic. 

one of the girls in particular, we’ll call her S, was very keen on telling me how awful of a person i was bc of my preference, how ‘straight shipping is oppressed’ on the internet and im only ‘feeding into the oppression.’ for 4 years she would manipulate me and make me feel guilty not only for the type of media i consumed, but for my sexuality in general. it got so bad to the point that i would have frequent panic attacks and i still got the throw up stain on my carpet to prove it ( i got one so bad bc of her i puked all over my bedroom floor and then fainted ). when i would try to reach out to the others abt what was happening behind the scenes, i’d either be ignored or my feelings were invalidated. to me, she was toxic, to everyone else, she was a wonderful friend. but that doesn’t excuse or make her treatment of me ok and it took along time for me to realize that. 

again, please keep in mind this went on for 4 years. this started when i was finally comfortable with myself and then to be thrown in and stuck in this situation bc i was too much of a coward to leave really fucks with a person. her distaste, hatefulness, and bitter attitude for gay people/characters/shipping was all taken out on me every week for 4 years. i’m doing my very best not over-dramatize this but yeah, it was every week for 4 years she would send me paragraphs of how terrible i was for just being me. how shitty i was as a person, how im a terrible friend, how the content i liked wasn’t fair to her, a straight person, that i was predatory for being a masculine identifying person looking at other guys, and how lucky i was to have a friend like her that tells me when i’m ‘in the wrong.’ 

near the end of last year she sent me another one of these multi-paragraph messages. at this point, i had finally become very aware how fucked up of a person she is and how i was never in the wrong through any of this like she originally made me believe. instead of agreeing with her and apologizing, a ended up snapping back. i told her how i felt, how she wasn’t being fair to me, and that i felt she was being very homophobic. admittedly, her response wasn’t at all like i had expected. She apologized, told me i had opened her eyes to some things and she’ll work on getting better. this made me happy! i thought that maybe we could continue our friendship without anymore of the BS. 

after that i took a good break from being online. i needed some time for myself and i needed to think some things over about my life. during this time, i realized how lax i was with S, how i let her and that whole friend group get away with so many things and i began to wonder if i should even go back. even after that talk i had with her, she was still very defensive against homosexual relationships and would get angry if someone expressed more interest in gay media than straight media. 

i was away for a good couple months, i was healing and rising above that bad mentality she forced on me. i logged out of all social media and messenger apps so there was no way her or anyone from that group could contact me. i hadn’t heard from her in months, until i received a letter in the mail. She wrote me a letter. A two paged letter. A LETTER. A REAL, WHOLE ASS LETTER. just so she can continue to try and tear me down. she started by telling me how much she missed me, a little starter paragraph kissing my ass until it, very abruptly, turned into the usual “youre shit, terrible, bad, you have no respect for me or anything i create, you hate me bc im a straight woman-” you get it. but this time i didn’t care! nothing she said in that letter got to me like it used to. the only thing that bothered me was her persistence to make me feel bad. she genuinely wanted to continue to hurt me. but with that time away and probably because i was so used to it by then, it didn’t faze me. 

i eventually went back to social media and kept my distance from that friend group. i still considered them my friends, bc when things were good, i had a lot of fun! and wanted to keep that in my life. But, I blocked S. I blocked her on everything so there’d be no way for her to contact me and if she wrote me another letter, i would simply rip it up. i made it clear i wanted to go our separate ways with no hard feelings, i didn’t talk to anyone abt what she had done. no mention whatsoever. i carried on my merry way bc i was moving past it. She did not. 

When she figured out i had blocked her, she threw a tantrum. she twisted my words and painted me as the villain by showing out of context screenshots of what i had sent in response to her second to last message ( the one before the letter ). she told the people i was still friends with that i abused her for years bc she was straight and put me on full blast on the internet. she did this because i blocked her.

it all happened in the time span of a second; i lost all my friends, i was blocked by everyone and not only called a piece of shit by her, but by everyone i still cared deeply about. i was forced to delete all my social media accounts so i wouldn’t continue to be put on blast. for a week i was upset bc really, who wouldn’t be? but after that week i realized that if these people i called my friends just took S’s word for it and were all so eager to tear me apart bc she said so, they were never my friends. they never cared about me so why should i care if im not with them anymore? it was a real eye opening moment and my dudes, im doing fucking great. im so much happier without them all in my life and i can finally do the shit i want. be gay and indulge on harmless gay content. 

so! to make the moral of the story clear. The people that are so butt hurt over gay shipping being more popular than straight shipping are people not to be trusted. it may seem unfair to lump them all into a category, and im not saying they’re all as toxic as S, but their mentality is homophobic. disliking anything gay bc it’s not straight, is homophobic. straight people are constantly represented in every source of media and if someone is bothered by the fact that gay people are indulging in gay shipping in the rpc, they are homophobic. there’s no way around it.

im still getting over S and all that she did. i know without her i wouldn't be as tough as i am now and unapologetic with what i like, but there’s a good part of me that wishes i never met her or that friend group. bc of her i struggle with my self esteem and my own internalized homophobia that only formed after i met her. i’ve come along way in the months after i officially cut myself off from them, but i know this is something that’s going to take some time. 

[bytheangell]

2,4,6,11,13,14,17,26,29,37,62,80,83,100 *side eye emoji* *im on desktop whoops*

Send Me Unusual Asks! I LOVE THAT YOU SENT ME FOURTEEN OF THESE I can’t imagine anyone wants to read this much about me but HERE WE GO. Half of them are under a cut because apparently I’m incapable of just giving simple answers that don’t include long rambling elaborations or stories so it got kinda long, OOPS 

2. is your room messy or clean?Mostly clean! I could do to sweep/vacuum the floor a bit more often, but for the most part I keep the floor clean and mostly uncluttered, and everything else stays in its place and my bed is always made 

4. do you like your name? why?YOU GET A STORY YOU NEVER ASKED FOR, CONGRATS. So I go by Elle online and IRL for the most part (everyone except my immediate family calls me Elle now!), but my actual name is Erica. I don’t totally hate it, but I never really loved it, either. I was always jealous of names with good nicknames, or options if you weren’t a fan of the whole version. About 6 years ago Someone said I could just be “E” while I was very determined to give myself a new/nickname and I was like “Or L,” because it was my last initial. And I was like “L… E.L.L. ELLE. I CAN MAKE THIS WORK”  And then Elle stuck when I joined a few sites under the nickname, and switched over to it entirely when I moved away from home and to a state where the only people who knew me knew me exclusively as Elle to begin with. Throw in a new job where I told everyone to just call me Elle from day 1, and now here I am, going by a name I absolutely adore!!

6. describe your personality in 3 words or lessIndependent, escapist, empathetic 

11. favorite social media accountLike, to follow? Probably the Welcome To Night Vale twitter. I just love everything related to that podcast!

13. any siblings?I have one younger sister! 

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?Ahhh, the only repeat from my first ask, answered here! 

17. how many times a week do you shower?When I’m not sweating to death over the summer and showering once a day (minimally x_x) like I am right now, I usually average every other day the rest of the year, so 3-4 times a week. 

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?I use two to actually sleep on, but there are 4 pillows total and 1 moose pillow pet named Sammy on my bed at all times. 

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? This one is tough… not because I never do anything wrong, but mostly my life is pretty boring and average and I don’t get into a ton of trouble, so nothing really jumps out as anything terrible. I went through a bit of a self-destructive rough patch earlier this year where I had a friend who would sneak us alcohol into work and we’d drink during our shifts because we hated our jobs too much to want to do them sober. It was definitely dumb and reckless. So yeah, probably that? I was such trash those two months. 

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I used to read a lot more than I am right now, but I do love reading! The Dark Half by Stephen King and Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett are usually my go-to favorites, followed by the Johannes Cabal series by Jonathan L. Howard. 

62. do you still watch cartoons? YES. I love them. I’ll go through phases, and most of the time now it’s more things like Bob’s Burgers and Archer, but also things like Invader Zim, or even stuff more geared towards kids like Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends is golden. 

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?At the moment, because it happened TWICE TONIGHT: People who put you on speaker phone but their speaker phone sucks and you have to say “what? WHAT?” a thousand times until they finally take you off speaker phone, and you can finally understand them and then once you get the first thing THEY SWITCH RIGHT BACK TO SPEAKER PHONE like it’s suddenly going to work better than it did 5 seconds ago and you’re right back to going “What? WHAT?!” again. …*cough* Can you tell I answer phones at work? >.>  

83. regular oreos or golden oreos? Regular. 

100.  who was the last person you cried in front of? This is an easy one because I do 99.9% of my crying alone while no one is home because I fucking hate when people see me cry. But a few weeks back my dad sent me a really touching text that made me super emotional, and I was telling my roommate about it and mid-story I just started crying again and couldn’t stop, and we both panicked and she went “…I don’t know what to do right now, you never cry!” and I replied with “…neither do I, I DON’T LIKE THIS” and it was hilarious and awkward until I sorted myself out and got control again because I’m a mess fjdsklfjsalh;gaosfos

[hypoetics]

Hmmm, ive been feeling downtrodden this past year and some change now

Infamous for my short comings it feels

Its never really been positive per say...

My mother had an unconventional upbringing being the child of a 16 year old in the late 70s of new orleans of louisiana

So she was rasied by her great grandma and her daughter

And those guys made it through THE great depression

So...it different

Never the less not very supportive

...she never learned to love in those ways

She probably took a lot of her anger she had about men on me when i was younger

Cant blame her i guess(literally...its to late)

She never wanted me to be anything other than a military man(i was born on a military base in watertien, ny)

And kind if put herself in denial about my sister being who they were

Amd i can literally count on my hand and the amount if times ive seen my dad since 2008

I never had a support structure

I was always the kne spuring other on

I live that shit

Taught my best friend to dance

Me and my highschool gf devolved into an old married couple before i knew it

Extended family has stolen from me, thrown me away, or never knew i existed

I like to think i was losing my mind when i ran away...

I couldnt even bring myself to ask anyone for help i felt so worthless

I could have pleaded...

But i didnt

Became a second class citizen when i went back to pick some stuff up from a friend and found out he tossed my social and birth cert into the trash, along with whatever else...his mom didnt think i was very thank for that one night of kindness they gave me

I spent a while after that sleeping where i felt safe, the back of empty dumpster, playgrounds, running tracks, unfinished houses

Before i met a friend outside of a smoke shop

It was great, i was working at freebirds at the time and i ended up staying with them for a while

I fell head over heels for someone so hard one night on acid

She was reciting the chocolate bit from spongebob

PERFECTLY

and it sent me to thr moon lmao

I was playing fez on the laptop underneath the playground we were hanging at

And everything felt right for a while

Before i realized im living in a drug den, looked like trash, and it was my first time doing drugs like these

Its what tributed to my last relationship going belly up to

We had a few moments

Lol there was this one time i was playing music before she got off and this one song by coiyuki that chanted "i love you" for kike 30secs started playing

And i reacted lol

Nothing was even happening and i just felt embarrased

There was another time i called her to let me into the store so we could talk before she got off...she couldnt so we sat on the floor on either side of the door for a little bit

She was definitely the one that got away

We both played uke, had great assests...idk we just fit together

She's the only person ive ever drawn something for with my emotions and given it too

I can only hope its still on her wall

We ended up going our separate ways after i had gotten further into drugs

She had some success on stage with her instrument

And honestly the most beautiful soul ive ever had the pleasure of meeting

Last time i checked she's deeply in lesbians with someone

And thats cool, as long as shes happy ya know

I dont talk about things i was doing while i was an addict though

Although for the most part i was still just as rad i usually...just fucking warped

But its nothing i want to brag...let alone talk about

But it wasnt pretty

A bunch of boys addicted to drugs is not a healthy situation at all

I dont even remember eating...

After that went belly up i had a friend take me in

And basicly allowed him to treat me however

Not that he was a terrible person or anything

I just let him be dominant over me for the sske of a place to stay

Which now that im coming back into my stride

Gave me some submissive habits that are gonna be tough to break healthily with the way my presence makes others feel

We had a common trauma that we bonded over

Which one one hand is the reason i think of that one chick from high school they i do still...

Basicly his live went unrequited

And mine well...idk

I just wanted to try and fix it for him

But long story short he wasnt capable

Same with me

I mean wheat done is done and everything is in the place it settled in

But watching someone go from the happy go lucky young adult

To regressing to the mind set he was in when he was happy with this person thinking she stilled liked him

Its either he realized she never did or he doesnt want to go back.

But it fucked me up

Which left me to want her more over the years

Because she's the only one i was aware of then that could without a doubt make me happy

Going against me cultivating a sense if self worth after the way that relationship ended, being disowned by my granddad iver some mail order whore, and being labeled as an undesirable in the community i was living in after some drug shenanigans everyone around me was involved in

I chalk it up to something to fixate on these days

But idk i hope im able to keep that person in my life forever

Even if our paths are diverging

I dont think i would have made it without him

After all that bs the house i was living in after moving out of there for a while

Although i did cuck my landlord on the couch after a party once

I wasnt even fucking the same

It was my first time with someone that moaned

And it was so hot at first, but she was so loud, the first time she would have woken up my land lord, the second time the door was broken to the garage and therr was a room full of people just on the other side, and the third time a house of people called me a rapist.

Which scared the shit out of me

Thinking back i should have just covered he mouth or told her to stfu you or something...would have been hot...so hot

But thay really messed with thr way i deal with women now....

Led me to not trust a lot of situations

And im hoooot so i should...:(

Idk :/

Basicly disappeared for s while after that

Had a couple good semesters at college

Which left me feeling on top of the world with an art bubble ready to pop

And then the world went to shit and i decided to do some cocky shit i regretted for a little bit but like...time and shit ya know

Oh yeah and obligatorily being ostracized from my community because i have different tastes in life style...that never gets old

Idk...i feel like the worst is finally over with

[unproduciblesmackdown]

sometimes the wild thing with depression is looking back and trying to figure out when it started and never really being able to draw a line for anything like "this was the earliest age it All Began(tm)," probably because there's not generally such an On-Off Switch type process to it. i know usually circa ten yrs old or later in the teens is usually what people point to but sometimes more of a period of exacerbation rather than origin, and who can say it's not also having the emotional and psychological capabilities and capacities that young children don't that bring a greater sense of perspective and awareness, idk anyways so i'm not sure if i was ever not-depressed or anything....i know i was always uncomfortable outside what was familiar and "shy" and i know that as soon as i was around other kids in a way more socially organized than running around together, namely preschool at 4 yrs old, i was aware of not feeling like i fit in and noticing i couldnt make friends like other people could. ive been good at bs-ing school from the start and happen to pick up things very quickly so even though i probably had the same habits as kids with the worst grades and had no particular ambitions re: academia (beyond avoiding parental wrath and later maintaining the identity that kinda protected me a bit in school) since i got really good grades and was quiet and pretty much just read in a corner when left to myself from kindergarten through middle school, i was probably considered a usually ideal student. i remember a couple of people who i felt i was genuinely friends with, a kid named michael who i think went to a different school after a couple of grades, and a kid named jacqueline in 2nd grade who was like me so quiet in retrospect i'm not sure if she knew much english but we played legos together and stuff but then we got in trouble for not paying attention during not even a lesson but i had to move seats b/c arbitrary Making An Example and since we were both so quiet we just didnt interact much anymore to avoid further attention. i made other friends technically but generally it took a long time to be comfortable with them and we were never close and in the meantime i dont think i ever much liked school. i remember one random sunday evening just getting upset about not wanting to go back the next day just because it was boring and meantime at home of course it sucked but i didnt quite realize it til i was older and it helped of course being young enough to be able to go outside for hours and be perfectly entertained playing in the dirt and trees and stuff. i read a lot at home too i remember having pretty skeptical thoughts about Life from earlyish on but, besides spending a crap ton of time just in my own head (reading, playing in dirt) i think i had ideas that life and the world was pretty amazing. like earlier on of course it was like "is magic real??" but then later its just stuff like reading in books about how kids had good friends and families and got to pursue their interests and do things and work out drama and have nice endings with a lot of hope for the future. for all i could tell the only thing keeping that from being my life was that i wasnt old enough, or probably i hoped that it was just a matter of time. it was less like i was extrapolating from my own limited observations of the worse aspects of life that life must be great and more like i was already noticing that my world was lacking and just hoping that it would grow out of it; not to mention being given the hint that stuff like abuse was my own fault and shortcomings i started getting more aware of being fed up with things / that they weren't inherently going to change around like late elementary school / middle school but it would take another year or two to really get the extent of it, and in the meantime by 14 or 15 at the latest i was consciously suicidal so like, moving fast there. i probably by that point had already caught on to the fact that my world had just been kind of shitty and that it wasnt going to change or seem better after a certain amount of time like i'd thought it would. and then add also having a better understanding of the rest of the world just by being older and getting more experience and realizing that its a lot more chaotic than initially taught to you and that being depressed and having developed few interests and zero ambitions and having antagonistic parents and very few friends doesnt do much to give you as much a cushion from that chaos as it could tangent: honestly i like programs that teach instructors how to recognize things that look like Behavior Issues as maybe more being signs of external issues. i wasnt the best at paying attention and i was often quiet in school whether in class or not and it mightve been a problem if i didnt get good grades but since i did i could just be in the background. i don't particularly resent this or anything because i know how teaching is and i myself didnt really understand i had serious problems at home until much later, but in retrospect i think i always had signs. i remember one particular incident when i was about 8 really shouldve been a bit of a warning sign. i know nobody can really do anything even if they know things are bad but considering i had to learn what abuse looked like by myself and i didnt feel supported by any adult and even when i knew what was going on when i was much older i still just didnt tell anyone in any position of authority because i had learned i had to protect myself by keeping personal things totally confidential and that if i exhibited any signs of struggling i would be blamed and chastised for it. wouldve been nice to at least be informed what was going on at an earlier time and maybe given some sense of confidence or at least a sense it wasn't completely my fault. turns out what gave me any ounce of confidence at all was being like 19 and being so blamed and maligned that it backfired and i started feeling like if i was as awful as i was made out to be then surely i didnt need to feel ashamed and responsible for everything that was being done to me. if i already deserved to be dead then what more could i bring on myself by daring to be so terrible as to feel i shouldnt be treated like i was! checkmate atheists anyhow, i feel like my Good Concepts About The World kind of evolved from "later on everyone has adventures" to "later on everyone goes to middle school / high school and makes friends and bonds with their family and follows their dreams" to something just more vaguely escapist with abstracted ideas about simply feeling comfortable and nice, with maybe general imagery, usually like summer sunsets or just some nice stars or something. i thought about it once and it made a lot of sense, thinking about stuff in terms of the concept of feeling ok and good things existing in the world and being able to sense it despite it also being at a distance or otherwise removed like dont get me wrong just because i wanna be dead i dont have some kind of notion that everyone else's experience of life is the same as mine i.e. that life and/or the world is inherently shit, i know its no more objectively bad than it is objectively good. i still like to think about the good side of all of it. i think its a total mistake to have the idea that if someone is suicidal or even just depressed that it necessarily has anything to do with what they think of the philosophy of the concept of Life, its more personal and immediate than that. honestly i hate all the advice about how you need to write a poem for your suicidal friend to teach them the magic of life or do some otherwise melodramatic bad y.a. novel shit that'll give them a New Perspective on the wonders of life literally overnight. not only is it always disgustingly patronizing and often counterproductively Tough Love-esque but also totally like unrelated to the root of the problem of "what if i'm worried about a friend making a suicide attempt." if you're personally wanting to do something i s2g literally just provide a distraction. talk about random shit or play online scrabble or go over and make midnight snacks, not like set a flower on fire while dropping a porcelain teapot on the floor and lecturing them about how this Doesnt Solve Any Problems or is a permanent solution to a temporary problem like no. just be a distraction jfc and dont insult anyone by generalizing their experience and guessing at what's probably an extremely complex and personal matter and turning it into empty clichés anyways: this was the longest way to get to the idea that isnt it wild when, like how you can Hear a sound in your head and despite recreating it decently its different from actually hearing it externally, you can sometimes remember what it was like to feel nice about the concept of life? i cant really summon earlier things but sometimes i can remember flashes of having those later sad-person-in-their-own-head moments of thinking of distant abstract concepts like seeing the sky as a medium for connection to the infinite experiences of humanity, and i can get like the equivalent of a visual image of a recreated feeling from back when i still had a few lingering overly-optimistic notions that things would be good soon. don't get me wrong, again im still aware of the good things in life and i still have good experiences and still feel good feelings. but i dont harbor expectations that the course of life must and will average itself out or lean towards improvement for any reason, like knowing that good things happening to you out of the blue is the same as how terrible things can happen for exactly the same reason—namely no reason at all. so i just dont have the same feelings i used to about my own personal life, and i dont feel the things i used to when i hoped it still could be Only A Matter Of Time. so its wild when for some reason i mentally stumble on the memory of having those feelings and theyre still recent enough that i get a moment of recreating the feeling like i do when i can picture something in my head, and its totally different and dissonant than what's currently true for me. it wasn't a more accurate perspective to think that life being bad meant it had to improve, but its obviously a nicer feeling. and it sounds like overused to the point of meaningless comparison but its like getting your head above water for a second in terms of the momentary contrast of sensation tldr its wild when you depressioning 24/7 and dead inside and have an instant of remembering What It Was Like To Feel Things

[askemilydeanyo]

I don't get turned on anymore. I haven't in a few months. I am 21 female, I do smoke alot of pot which I heard doesn't help. I can't figure out why Im like this? Is it possible my past relations made me this way? My last significant other was like this they were not really into sex and they didn't make me feel very wanted in that aspect.

Hi! Thanks for your question. There are certainly a handful of things that could be causing this.

To start, yes, smoking pot doesn’t always help. Like any one (or combination of) drug(s) affects people differently, marijuana is no exception. For the bulk majority of my pot-smoking career I would experience intense euphoria after smoking and my sex drive would spike drastically. I loved having sex with myself and with partners and was so fully engaged and intertwined in the experience that I considered this to be some of the most sensual sex I ever had in my life. After going some time without smoking and then picking it back up again, I found that smoking caused my sex drive to dramatically decrease. I was no longer sexually interested in my partner while high, less interested in my partner while sober, and found that when I was high I became incredibly self conscious. It was an extreme contrast from the experiences I had in the past, which left me feeling pretty jolted for a while. Crazy how things change, huh.

On the topic of pot, I am curious if there are any other drugs that you are taking. SSRI’s have been proven to drastically effect sex drive, as well as medicine for epilepsy, ADHD, blood pressure, anti-psychotics, pain management, AND birth control. 

So the first thing I want you to consider is if you are taking any of those drugs, and how often. If you are, I would suggest contacting your doctor, setting up an appointment, and addressing your concerns. Most health professionals acknowledge that libido is a vital part of our lives, and will make accommodations accordingly. If they don’t, you might need a new doctor. *

Another thing to consider is what birth control you are or are not on. If you are taking hormonal birth control, like oral contraceptives or a hormonal IUD, they can and often do effect your sex drive by lowering your testosterone levels. If you are on a hormonal birth control, go to your doctor or gynecologist and have a discussion about potential other options. I know that the copper IUD and condoms are two solid options! It’s all about finding what works for you.

* If you are in Louisville, Kentucky, message me again and I can connect you with my lady doctors. They are seriously a dream team and are some of the most helpful and understanding women I have ever encountered in my life.

Something I also seriously consider would be doing a full blood scan. These can typically be done through your primary doctor or gynecologist office. For perspective: I was on one birth control for 7 years that I felt worked just fine with my body. Suddenly, my prescription changed to a generic brand and my body reacted terribly. I became depressed, my skin, body changed, and sex drive changed (negatively) amongst many other things. It was so bad that I actually thought I had developed bi-polar disorder. When I mentioned this to my doctor she suggested that we look at my blood levels. These tests revealed a huge spike in my estrogen that was caused by my ‘new’ birth control. Needless to say, after switching methods I successfully confirmed that I am indeed not bi-polar, and realized the huge role that synthetic hormones have on my body.

Doing a blood-screen will also give you good insight into your overall health, which plays a massive role in your sex drive - which leads me to my next point, being your diet and activity level. Do you have a balanced diet? How often are you exercising? What are your hobbies? I could go on and on, but what I’m getting at is how generally healthy are you? If you find that you spend a lot of time sedentary, or eating high-fat, high-sugar, high-carb food, this could play a huge role in the decline in your libido. 

To address your last concern, totally, it is definitely possible that your past relationships have affected the way you view sexuality. When humans spend large amounts of time with people it’s easy to become accustomed to their ways. We start to use the same lingo, share the same beliefs, shop at the same places - the list goes on. If you are in a romantic relationship with someone who didn’t openly or frequently express their sexual desires to you, it makes sense that this is what you became accustomed to. However, that being said, it should not have a substantial overall effect on your sex drive as a whole. What about solo sex?

Are you masturbating? If so how frequently or infrequently? Do you ever look at other people and become sexually aroused? Do you have sexual fantasies? Did you used to have a more vibrant sexual past and it just recently became dull within the past few months, or did you feel a gradual decline for a while? There are a lot of things to consider, and it is important to assess whether you are not feeling turned on towards others or turned on in general. How much sexual attention are you giving to your own body?

Additionally, there are plenty of life factors that come into play. You mentioned that you smoke weed. You mentioned that your last relationship wasn’t exceptionally sexual. Have you recently started a new job? Are you overwhelmed with school? Did you recently move? Are you having a tough time in a friendship? Are you happy with the way you look? Are you living in a new environment? Sometimes these things take the forefront of our attention and sex becomes less important. This is just part of the ebb and flow of life. Sure, in a dream world we are all balancing school and work and a social life and our sexuality equally and proficiently, but that just can’t always be the case, so the less important things take the back seat. Consider what other external factors might be occurring here and you will probably gain a bit of insight.

So here is your homework in a nutshell: Figure out if any potential medicine you are taking is effecting you. Consider testing your blood levels. Incorporate more activity into your daily life as well as nutrient-dense meals. Make sure you are sleeping enough. Make sure you are practicing self love so that you feel sexually attractive to yourself, as well as potential partners. Explore fantasies that you have perhaps left in the background of your brain and see if these elicit exciting sexual feelings. Watch some porn if you watch porn. Read some books on sex if you like to read. Talk to friends, see if they have been in a similar funk. Google some stuff. Read some forums. Consider seeing a sex therapist if these feelings don’t subside. Try to set aside time to masturbate, even if you aren’t necessarily in the mood. Try to reconnect with your body in a way that you might have in the past. But most importantly, delve into all the facets in your life and see if there is any one thing you can pinpoint, and if you find it, tweak it. You know what’s going on inside of you better than anyone else.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to have a high sex drive for the time being. Some people just don’t - and if you don’t now, that’s not to say you won’t for long. Like I said, it ebbs and flows. I am a self-identified sex freak and there are times where I go weeks, even months without having sex. It always comes back. Tap into yourself and find what works for your body, your mentality, and your emotional-mental-sexual self. You’ll find the answer there.

Xx

[kietamitai]

An extremely long vent and personal thoughts post

I have to title it because it is what it is. And honestly, I’m going to explain everything that’s been going on with my personal feelings, mental/emotional state, and current situation. 

I have somewhat vented/talked about this on twitter but making a long post on my blog seems to be much better. This is likely to be my last resort of anything. Nothing bad will happen but this is to tell you that I am currently not in a good mood.

All I ask is that if you read the post, just like the post. And maybe give it a few days before asking if I am alright. DO NOT REPLY TO THIS OR SEND ME A MESSAGE I BEG OF YOU (I am not saying it to be avoidant like I will end up sounding angry if you do).

Don’t read it if you’re not in the right mood to read it. It has some questionable bits but yeah.

OK so on the first and forefront of current situation cause it’s probably the shortest.

Personally speaking, nothing is happening at home, however, I am left with a vague sense of I have to do something because everyone in the family sees me as lazy and undisciplined.

I am worried that if I started to move, that everything is going to go pretty bad. This fear is completely normal on any standard, but the problem is that this feeling is immensely different from what people may think.

Since I had recently learned about people with ADHD having Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), everything I have experienced up until this point finally makes sense.

It is that fear of unwanted “rejection” and “negative response/feedback.”

Needless to say, some things have happened in the past that drastically shaped who I am today and my rather laid back personality, but this fear of failure came as a result. It can sometimes make me immobile.

When I get paranoid over whether or not I fuck something up, I LITERALLY FREAK OUT SOMETIMES OK?

But aside from this foreboding feeling about needing to do something (which will come in due time because I have a feeling that I’ll take that step out there sooner or later), here’s the more social part of the situation.

After what feels like I offended a friend and some what apologizing and owning up to my own reactions, I sorta ended getting slapped in the face with them implying that they don’t care. Like, I have a feeling that it’s not what they actually meant, but it’s also quite obvious that if I tried to ask for clarification, I will get yelled at for being stupid and I HATE THAT THE MOST CAUSE I GET THAT A LOT.

And this is just on the personal side of things— I dunno what their intentions or implications are. They just don’t seem to want to say that it is possibly their fault that it happened, even when I pointed it out that it is. And well, they seem to have misinterpreted the whole point of my message as well, but I just gave up on even trying to clarify myself any further cause I just woke up from a nap at the time and I almost didn’t even want to respond to that with the way they word it.

I’d rather not go into detail about that since it is an insanely minor thing, but with the way they sorta avoid me in general, it just feels like they’re scared of me or something. I’m not one to push on to make someone uncomfortable for answers so if they read this and recognize it’s them, good job I guess? 

I’m probably not on their radar anyways cause they got their own shit to worry about, so really, I’d only be surprised if they ended up reading this pile of mess and then going up to my IM/ask and be like, “You fuck ass are u talking shit about me?”

On that, it is only complicated feelings coming from me. I’m not here to shit on someone for their circumstances, but in the meantime, I’m avoiding them cause like I feel like if I start talking again, I WILL FUCK UP REALLY BADLY or even worse, THEY WILL FLAT OUT JUST IGNORE ME.

My answer will most likely not be positive with them specifically if questioned in such a rude way.

And RSD likes to make things worse on the social side of things even if I simply just want to check up on them and ask if they’re doing alright. Similar situations has happened before, and when that happens, trust me, that’s when I know a friendship isn’t meant to be. I am not distant because I don’t know how to get close to people.

It’s happened too many times. Really, even if it hurts, I have to stop caring and let it go.

But on that regard, after talking to some more people, I end up getting this feeling of... isolation. I had read somewhere that ADHD may make it so that it ends up feeling like I can’t connect to people.

It sorta reels in the whole experience.

It isn’t like I want their kind of friendship, but in any friendship, I can tell that I don’t get a lot of attention. It’s like seeing a friend connect to another friend better than you can connect to either of them. I’ve always been left alone a lot so honestly, it’s nothing new.

I don’t like it when people are too too clingy to me but when they’re insanely distant, it makes me feel like my existence is just around for them to waste time.

In most cases, I just end up asking for people to say hi to me or something and get no response. Well, I know everyone has lives to run, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling insanely bitter or even bad to the point where I feel like I’ve been annoying and trying too hard and people are just FED UP with my antics and choosing to ignore me. 

After a while, you get used to the feeling and you stop caring.

But in summary, if I had done a small mistake that warranted a negative response (or in a way I perceive it as negative) then I will remember that for a long time and my fear is that you’ll bring it up again cause by that time, you’ve already seen me in a different light and you’ll probably subconsciously remember it and maybe bring it up subtly where I’ll be like “o fuck did I fuck up again” and PARANOIA ENSUES.

Another summary is that I’ve been feeling like I’m lacking a sense of self again.

This isn’t an uncommon dilemma. I’ve never given it much thought as long as I can make it believable to an extent. I stopped caring because I’ve been disciplined a lot for smaller things and been compared.

Not to mention a big part of it happened when the grandma I live with decided to berate me one day. That was the day I felt like a stranger to my own family.

I’ve been living with constant less praise and more reprimanding. When people praise me, I am happy, but I am always left feeling that I am deceiving them.

People call me one thing but I dunno which am I. I have come to find out that it is who I am. I am probably like a chameleon lol

But really, I have a terrible sense of self and sometimes when I really think about it, I have no idea what really makes up me. I’ve been collecting and amassing different personalities and stuff like that.

Perhaps that knowledge is how I come to understand people fairly easily.

The more I try to find out more about myself, the more I end up losing a sense of who I am. The less I try, the more I end up feeling like nothing.

My feelings of being worthless isn’t because of any emotional reason, it is a fairly logical reason. I am simply not someone that resources should go to.

In fact, sometimes I wish I can suffer, but apparently, I can’t have that either. It takes too much time for me to just make myself suffer, it’s just easier to do nothing. I don’t even have the energy to make myself hated enough to want to be forgotten. 

From drifting between being worthless and having my mistakes rebound on me, making it more than enough for me to want to stab myself, to feeling just slightly better about my day, it has been kinda tough.

Sometimes it’s not that I want to think about it and sometimes it just happens as a thought. But sometimes, something triggers my thoughts.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and well I’ve started to notice that it’s making me less likely to do stuff I wanted to do or just to do anything at all.

I am for once getting in to a unstable state of mind.

It could be that I am drained from watching my other grandma for the past month and a half, or that I feel like I’m being RUSHED to do something people expect me to do.

I don’t know if what I’m thinking about doing is the right choice.

I’m not sure if I’m important to people anymore. I feel like an expendable. Do people even care about me enough to understand how I feel? Do people know me enough to tell me, they know me? Do people really know who I am?

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m joking about dying or not. It sometimes feels like it’d be better if I can somehow die and be forgotten.

None of these feelings are new, perhaps maybe thinking that death is a fiscally better and logical option might be something a little more new.

I don’t know any more at times. My feelings tend to fluctuate daily and I have days where I’m a little better off then most lol

It’s probably also this bad because jet lag and some stuff making me really anxious??

I dunno but since I was getting distracted, I have no idea what I wanted to type by the time I got to this point. But I’ll end off with something—

I’ve always felt pretty meh about life. Perhaps MAYBE due to ADHD, it may influence my own ability to stay emotionally attached/devoted for too long. It’s almost like feeling you’re both half full and half empty when I’m not feeling anything really. But I guess it was better than the me before I turned 20.

Perhaps that’s just me. I haven’t been feeling like... myself.

It’s a little hard to explain, but what else can I do than to wait it out?

I never experience a feeling for long anyways lol

My days have been feeling kinda dreadful and tiring. Idk if I can keep up with people in general anymore.

This is probably what I get for being who I am.

[catsandhotsauce]

remember.

Okay.. hi. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I guess i was just shocked. Or, rather, caught off guard. you deserve to know the whole truth of what you never saw during our friendship. Im writing this now as a full explanation for, well.. Everything.. i know it would seem more sincere if i spoke to you in person, but im afraid if i had to talk to you face to face i'd get too choked up and i'd forget everything that i want to say. While you read this letter, i really, dearly hope you try to keep an open mind and really see what i am going to say to you. You don't have to read it, but i know i have to get this off my chest. I want to start off by saying i am sorry. I am sorry for the circumstances of what happened. I am sorry that i never got to speak to you face to face. I am sorry that i never had the guts to tell you how i truly felt during our four years of friendship. I was afraid. I still am. Im always afraid when it comes to you. I know it was not your intention to make me like this, but being friends with you made me weak to the knees. You were always getting mad at me for reasons that were just too shallow. You remember, right? How half the time of our friendship we spent fighting. It was always the same. You'd get angry at me for some harmless action that you gave way too much meaning to and then poof. You start telling me off, giving me those death glares, making me feel downright terrible, thrashing your stuff or even my stuff in places. You made huge deals out of things that were just too simple to fight about. I had to walk on eggshells during our entire friendship because i was afraid of you. You terrified me. One wrong, unintentional move i'd make and you would start rambling about how "careless" or "ignorant" or "immature" i was. I just didnt get it. Why you were always angry at me for silly, petty reasons. The worse parts were during the fights, when i tried to reason with you, when i tried to make you see my side of it, when i tried to level with you. You just wouldnt have it. You couldnt let go. You would always find more and more unrelated reasons to drag on the argument until i would eventually just give up out of emotional distress. It was like arguing with a concrete wall. Thats when i really genuinely thought i was worthless, that nothing i said mattered because whatever i said you would never listen to me. Not only that, but you would intentionally make me feel guilty when you knew i was finally making logical sense. You manipulated me into doing things your way, and i caught on to it too, i was just afraid not to oblige because i didnt want to undergo another emotionally distressing argument that would end up with me saying sorry or you walking out. You had convinced me that i was never allowed to be right. That no matter what, i was always always ALWAYS wrong. No exceptions. You made me believe that i'd never be capable of doing things correctly because of all the insignificant things you'd get mad at me for. For every fight you picked with me, every time you made me see how flawed i am, every tear you've made me cry, it picked away bits and pieces of me. I became afraid, always nervous, or worried that out of nowhere something might go wrong, that you suddenly might burst at me again. That, that is what made me this emotionally unstable, anxiety-drilled human i am now. I cant go out and have a normal day with normal social interaction. I cant look people in the eye. I stutter and stumble with my words when someone talks to me. I have to plan out every single action i do or word i say because im afraid of being yelled at or punished. I cant stop overthinking everything because im convinced i will mess things up. I am saying all of this now because i need to have a clear conscious if i want to better myself again and i know you deserve to hear the truth. I did my best to be a loyal friend to you. After all you were my high school best friend, and i loved you. I understood you and all the struggles you had to go through growing up as a late child and younger sibling. I saw who you were when no one else understood why you did the things you did. I understood why you put on such a tough exterior to hide the vulnerable and naive kat that lurks beneath. Thats why i tried my best to help you somehow see the world for how simple it was. I didnt want you to keep seeing things as shortcomings or disappointments. I didnt want you to dwell on unnecessary matters when there was a whole, happy, care free world that was waiting to embrace you if you'd let it. I wanted to be there for you as your safety net, your reassurance that everything was going to be okay because i would always be your friend, but i started to lose myself and my worth in the process. Im sorry i let go, kat. I truly, deeply am. I hope as you finish reading this you could maybe understand me. I hope you know that i will never forget all of the crazy, great and wonderful times we had together. I sincerely hope you find all the happiness in the world, and i know for a fact that you will lead an amazing life and fulfill your dreams of travelling to paris and all the beautiful places your heart has desired since we were in high school. You will be an amazing doctor and people will look up to you. Im sorry that i cant be there for all of that, but please know that i will always remember you and i will treasure our friendship for the greatness it was. God bless you and your family and take care, always. Love, dash 012316