#im terrible at conversations and texting and phone calls and basically all socializing

[dallasoverdueessay]

so bad at making friends i don't even have internet friends </3

[graffitiskies]

━♡ guess the 26 year old july baby just arrived to dallyeog! it makes sense, because jeon yooseul is just as wild as the month of july. wait, why do they remind me of bae suji? beyond that, they seemed audacious and impartial upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of stormful and brusque though. i hope they get acquainted here in complex #3 / apartment #0722 / floor # 2 ; she seems to have a lot going on with her job as a rideshare driver.

tw: missing persons

hey everyone!!!! ;u; i’m so glad to be joining you at this ungodly hour (it’s literally after 4am here SMH!!) but hey when the muse hits you IT HITS YOU LIKE A CINDERBLOCK and i for one love when i get a weird burst of sudden muse for a new character hehe :> anyways, that character would be jeon yooseul, a somewhat asocial rideshare driver who’s been living at dallyeog for about a year now :0 pretty much all the info i have for her is below, but in case you’d rather not read a big stretch of text all together, here’s some individual page links: x, x & x :)

profile / stats basic

full name - jeon yooseul nickname/s - yoo, yoojwi ( from her aunt due to her quiet nature ) age - twenty six dob - 07/22/1994 gender identity - cis female orientation/s - pansexual / demiromantic blood type - o born - gyeonggi-do, south korea  grew up - pohang, south korea nationality - korean occupation: rideshare driver languages: korean, conversational japanese, very basic english

personality

label - the thunderstorm traits - audacious, stormful, impartial, brusque, enigmatic, aloof aesthetics - long drives with no destination, concealed crying fits, lonely shadow puppets on the wall in the waning sun, wind and raindrops in your hair, smudged lip balm, beat up messenger bags, the jingling of keys, continental drift, being left on read western horoscope - cancer chinese zodiac - dog alignment - chaotic neutral mbti - the logician ( intp-t ) enneagram - the philosopher ( 5w4 ) disc type - the architect ( Dc )

appearance

fc - bae su-ji ( bae suzy ) hair - deep brown and usually worn naturally, with little effort put in. eye color - black build - slender clothing style - simple, aimless - lots of blacks, earth tones and neutrals. owns a few leather jackets. piercings - both ears in multiple places tattoos - a small heart on her left ring finger, a heart topped with a cross on lower part of the back of her neck

familial ties

mother - jeon hyesun ( status unknown ) father - jeon soonil ( status unknown ) siblings - younger brother jeon yoohwan ( 20, currently in university ) aunt - im darae ( 49, living in pohang ) uncle - im jongho ( 52, living in pohang )

biography

yooseul was born in the muggy, oppressive heat of july to two very kind, yet very naive people. they were both young; barely 19 when they had yooseul, and were in no position to take care of a child. however, they still took on the challenge, as it was simply the kind of people they were.

while the pair meant well, they were always leaving yooseul with her aunt and uncle before traipsing off on another adventure. they loved traveling the world doing all kinds of thrilling, but reckless activities. climbing infamous mountain peaks, visiting the sites of active volcanos, boating down the amazon river with scarce supplies. the little girl would overhear pieces of arguments between her aunt & uncle and her parents. yooseul’s aunt and uncle tended to look out for her even more than her parents did, and were adamant that all the traveling was actively harming yooseul’s development. her mother and father remained steadfast that their daughter wouldn’t even remember this stretch of her life, due to how young she was.

when yooseul’s brother was born, everyone was a bit hopeful that yooseul’s parents would slow down with their jet-setting lifestyle, but if anything, it seemed to kick them into high gear. it was as though having a second child made them feel as though the clock were ticking on their lives, and off they were again on another adrenaline rush.

as yooseul grew enough to truly comprehend and lament her parents’ absence, it was only then that they seemed to finally understand the effect they were having. then again, anyone would probably start listening when their young child is on their knees, begging and crying with an intensity of someone’s whose heart was truly breaking. the trips slowed to a crawl and became every once in a while, rather than every other weekend. yooseul grew passive about them by age seven, as they were so infrequent, so when her parents told her they’d be going on a hiking trip to the south korean evergreen forests, she honestly didn’t think much of it.

she hadn’t seen her aunt and uncle in months, and she and her brother could fly kites in their spacious garden. it was a handful of positives, or so yooseul thought. ( tw begins here ) the days stretched on at their house, and it seemed to be taking a bit longer for her parents to return than she’d anticipated. she could tell something may have been wrong by the hushed conversations her aunt and uncle had, coupled with teary phone calls to people that yooseul couldn’t seem to make out.

she learned the truth while eavesdropping on a news story about her parents; apparently they had gone out hiking as planned, but they had never returned back to the hotel they were staying at. several searches had been conducted in the forest, but only scant, inconclusive traces of the couple were found.

as she was just a child, yooseul knew only hope. her parents would come back one day. why wouldn’t they? they’d been hiking before. they knew what they were doing. days turned into months, and optimism turned into doubt. the evergreen forests were so large and covered so much ground - and who knew if they were even still in there?

( end of tw ) her aunt and uncle did what they could for her and her brother, as the two had gained custody of the children due to their frequent care of them. while her brother was able to develop at a relatively normal pace, yooseul withdrew inside of herself for the most part. the hope she had once known had shifted into stinging pessimism. she loved the family she had left of course, but she was terrible at opening up about what she was feeling, and she was so reluctant for people to see any weakness in her. she had to be the strong one, and it was so much easier to be strong when you let emotions roll off your back entirely.

yooseul had difficult focusing on the things that went on around her, especially in school. she never really made socializing a priority, and her grades were abysmal. it was honestly a wonder that she graduated at all, but her aunt and uncle didn’t want her to be without a secondary diploma, so they refused to let her fall back irretrievably far.

trying to enter the workforce was even worse. she’d sworn off university, and all the small trade jobs she got never seemed to last more than a couple of months, mostly due to her lack of interest. she simply drifted from one meaningless wad of money to the next, either saving it up in a jar for goals she didn’t have or slipping it into her aunt’s purse when she’d refuse to take it directly.

having no prospects might have seemed like a downer of a life to live, but yooseul didn’t really think of things in those terms - she was solely focused on existing in whatever moment she was in and doing whatever she wanted to do. after her aunt and uncle surprised her with a fairly nice kia k8 (as they knew it was something she’d never buy for herself), she leaned into late night drives for comfort. there was something about being alone, feeling the wind ruffling through your hair, some mindless song on the radio recorded solely to push false emotions, watching the lines on the road come at you like knives when you push the limits of the car’s engine. it felt free.

after hearing word of a new rideshare app launching from her uncle, yooseul decided to apply to be a driver. she had nothing else going on at the moment, and those late night drives she enjoyed so much could actually make her some money.

she’s been doing it for a few years now and enjoys it as much as yooseul can enjoy something. the social aspect of it can be a bit awkward, so she loves nothing more than when her passenger keeps their face locked on their phone in silence. she’s since moved out of her aunt and uncle’s place and intro her own apartment at dallyeog. she figured it was finally time to move on, as her brother was now entering college and hadn’t really needed any help taking care of for some time now. maybe, deep down, she’d stuck around so long for sentimental reasons, but she’d never ever admit that.

wanted connections ( first come first serve )

anniversary of an uninteresting event ( open ) - yooseul never talks about it, but y/m saw the story about her parents on some exploitative talk show where they launched a ton of conspiracy theories about what happened. you want to set the record straight, but she doesn’t really wanna hear it.

be quiet and drive ( open ) - y/m orders a ride from yooseul with no set destination in mind. they’ve just had a really awful day and want to zoom through the city towards the sunset without looking back. lucky for them, that is just yooseul’s vibe.

needles and pins ( open ) - y/m and yooseul knew eachother before she moved into dallyeog, possibly even dating back to childhood. they actually know her better than most of the people she’s around now, which makes her mighty uncomfortable. she feels as if they hold some sort of key to a past she thought she’d locked away forever.

cherry waves ( open ) - nobody knows how y/m and yooseul came together, but every time they come into contact, they both immediately lose themselves. sitting on the beaches of busan with a bottle of whiskey, tiptoeing on the edge of dallyeog’s rooftop hand in hand, or ending up a tangled mess of flushed skin and kiss-swollen lips in the back of yooseul’s car; wherever they are, time doesn’t seem to exist.

battle axe ( open ) - yooseul can be a little abrasive when she’s irritated, and maybe that’s why y/m likes pushing her buttons so much. maybe they just like to challenge her attitude of not caring about anything. 

passenger ( open ) - somehow, every time y/m orders from the rideshare app, they end up with yooseul as their driver. it’s not that she doesn’t get them there safely and on time, but she can be...rather scary. maybe all it would take is a few conversations, and they’d see she’s not so bad, and maybe even bump up her rating to three stars?

hole in the earth ( open ) - yooseul did the unthinkable when she and y/m were together a few years ago: she actually opened up. she told them things she never thought she’d tell anyone, and y/m didn’t really understand the weight of that decision for her, betraying her trust. seeing y/m again now is just reopening old wounds and pouring on the salt.

digital bath ( open ) - for whatever reason, it is way easier for yooseul to have lengthier conversations over texts, snaps and other various digital means of communication. perhaps it’s not having to see the person’s reaction in real-time and therefor not having to process any of her own emotions. y/m is one of the only people who actually indulges her on this, and now they have become somewhat friendly as a result.

this is all i have for the moment, but i am v enthusiastic about brainstorming things based on chemistry and character traits or of course scooping up one of your open plots! 

[iknowicanbutwhy]

To anyone who thinks texting is a billion times worse than talking on the phone and that texting is a miscommunication disaster ready to happen: I get you. You're probably 100% exactly like my friend who I hate texting despite how i rather appreciate talking with them on call or in-person.

Hear me out, though. Please.

You know what's weird? I love talking with my other friend on text more than i talk with them in real life. No, it's not because they're untalkative irl. No, it's not because they have a different personality in text. No, it's not because they have any trouble whatsoever communicating in-person (more than the usual trouble everyone sometimes deals with).

It's because I'm the one with the auditory communication issues. I stammer and stutter, I can't forward my opinion in that microscopic pause between people talking, i can't think quickly when i or someone else is speaking, i can't think quickly, and i can't double check my grammar when ive already said something - among other problems.

And that friend i like to text? Just so happens to be skilled at texting.

Yes, texting well is a skill. Something that you can learn and cultivate and look up on Google. So if you hate texting and find it irredeemable, you probably don't have the skill for it. But you can still learn just by using your normal speaking skills while remembering and sticking with only a few bitty - yet crucial - rules of texting.

You may not want to learn to text. You may want to speak and text only when necessary. You may defend your point by stating that texting lacks key human communication, such as body language, tone of voice, rhythm of voice, and other context that adds to the meaning of words in a way texting could never have. Aaaand you'd be right, actually. Italics and bold and emojis/emoticons and writing style can only do so much while the imagination fills in the gaps - and unlike with books, if the imagination sees/hears something terrible in a text, it's offensive instead of interesting.

So, what about the people who don't have the skill to make coherent, intelligent sentences with their mouth in the first place? The context doesn't help too much, then. Of course, why should you have to learn how to text when clearly these people who are afflicted by their inability to speak should be learning how to talk, because it's more effective and healthier for them that way?

You're right, they should be learning. And they are! There's no avoiding speaking in real life unless you're mute, selectively mute (let's be understanding), deaf (sometimes they learn to speak and that's awesome), or something else I can't think of. Those with speech impediments - when they don't know sign or there's no one who knows sign nearby - are generally forced to try to speak, and are constantly training to communicate well. People with social anxiety don't want to be afraid of talking, and especially if you befriend someone with social anxiety in real life and talk with them in-person, they'll try their best to open up in-person too. And me? Who can't think fast enough to speak for some reason? I'm trying to change that, too. I hate being unable to speak as well as I text, because speaking is more efficient.

But it would still be really, really nice to have a deliciously complex conversation sometimes, and for those of us with trouble speaking, we developed the skill of texting to better fulfill that human need to communicate and share. We're trying to speak. But.. it would be really nice of you to text.

To text more than just "okay"

To elaborate on "I can't"

To exclaim more than only "ah"

To give something that isn't difficult to find a specific response to.

And it can be easy to; we text-savvy people swear our hearts on it!! Google provides lots of good links when you search "how to text well," but I'll sum up a few common tips to texting with meaning.

Text proportionally. This is probably the only rule you need to remember, because all-in-all, the best way to text someone (if they're not sending one or two words a text) is to follow in their example. If they ask your opinion? Tell them yours and ask theirs. If they send texts of two or three sentences each? It's polite to try responding with the same magnitude (keyword: try. You can't always do it). They send you a paragraph? You don't have to send one back (even though that'd be real cool) but if they seem to be expecting a thorough response, don't be afraid to tell them you can't think of much. Just make sure you follow tip #2. Just imagine what it's like talking to a cat that only meows vaguely at you in response. Maybe you think the cat is smart enough to somewhat understand, and you're getting the chance to let your thoughts out at it, but getting basically nothing back is kind of boring.

Dont send curt, few-worded answers. This includes saying just "k" or "ah" or part of a sentence that you're never gonna finish. It sends the message that you're not interested in thinking about whatever the person texting you just said. Sometimes you can send a tiny response as a joke, but do it over and over again, and the other person will think you're never interested in talking. If you're not interested in talking (not just in text, i mean audibly too), it'd be less rude to simply say your not up for talking, with a short, polite apology.

Respond as soon as possible to a genuine question. If you need to think, say so. If you can't respond just yet, say so. This is a personal thing for me. I'm in the middle of a conversation that has been active for a while, i ask an important (sometimes timed) question, and nobody responds for an hour. I lose confidence and take the silence as "no, don't be ridiculous," and take back what i said. Then, very suddenly, i get a response finally informing me that someone needed to ask their mom and the conversation took a while, or they were researching the question, or chores suddenly came up, or etc etc. People get busy all the time, and especially on text, it's easy to suddenly drop out because something irl shows up. But it's hard to tell the difference between being ignored, missed, or being considered. Your excuses are valid, but even a vague "brb" and then later a quick explanation would be more informative than straight silence.

If you need to leave in the middle of a conversation that's been very active, say so. Building off of the last one, it's just polite to be informative. Now, you don't have to say you're doing this at some specific location for a particular amount of hours and you'll be hanging out with whats-their-name and then you'll go into the bathroom and pick your nose in the mirror - no, you don't have to be specific. Just make it clear that you'll be gone for a bit and you'll get back to the conversation another vague time. It's polite, that's all, and alleviates the worries of all us anxious individuals who think "oh no did i say something wrong its been like 20 minutes and they left suddenly-"

Try to leave an avenue of conversation open for the other person to pick up on. This one is easy because generally, all you need to do is think of an open-ended question that isnt yes-or-no. Say something, then ask a question that relates to what you said that the other person can add to. Like.. the other person said they like a certain band, and you like that band, too. You could tell them your favorite song from them and gush about why, then ask what their favorite song is and why? Then it's up to them to give a good response.

If a conversation turns exhausting because you feel like you're pulling all the weight, then drop it and politely say goodbye. There's all these tips about good texting but sometimes, when you can't bring the other person out of their shell or they are genuinely uninterested, it's because they are the ones not doing their part in the conversation. You've tried your best, and if they wont thank you, then I will. And someone in your future who knows how to text and is interested in what you have to say will thank you in their heart. Just, not the person who you're walking away from right now.

Observe the texting "body language" of others. This sounds weird, but examples of this would be using bold to outline the absolute importance of things, italics to slightly emphasize something, s p a c i n g to signify your mind being blown, emojis to express light emotion (unless someone uses way too many, which, that's just a bad habit and sometimes an art form), "ha" for sarcastic laughter, fjsjskajfjie for real laughter, ALL CAPS for high energy, etc. Im sure you can Google it, too, otherwise you can just learn from experience. It's all generally very universal unless you meet a Homestuck, and pretty soon, picking out and giving out emotions in everyday text will be a little easier.

That's all I got right now. Thank you for reading this far and indulging me with this topic. It's okay if you want to keep your avenues of conversation far away from texting, because it's all your own choice, but just know that if you ever do find someone interesting who speaks better in text, it's not impossible for you to communicate with them as well in that format. Just takes practice :) (<- that's a genuine, gentle smile, otherwise I would use c: or :3. Someone else may use it differently, however. Think of it like my personal accent.)

[tempestshakes01]

happy and anxious. 

happy because i love my apartment and i love Lil Cup of Joe. he is a terror and the sweetest boy ever, and i feel so much love for him. this is why i can’t be around an animal for an extended period of time. i will die for any creature i get attached to and lil joe is now my baby. 

but i am anxious because i put of working when my brother brought home a puppy. he didn’t ask me to, but he’s an idiot who’s never home and bought a puppy to make him come home. i gave him 3 days and when his habits didn’t change, joe was being left alone and untrained, and i needed a running buddy--well, i took over. joe’s now potty-trained and knows a few (one) command. i take him everywhere to socialize him. he’s mine. but i’ll never say that to nick. who still needs to go therapy. i don’t know him. i don’t know what goes on in that head of his. it’s like we switched personalities in our 20s. i went from the quiet, serious type to basically a manic 13 yr old boy. he went from a wildly charismatic clown to a brooding hipster. what makes him laugh? what is he thinking? what is he passionate about? how does he talk to other ppl for hours but he can barely speak to his family for more than half of one? what did we do?

i got really angry the other night thinking about the fights i’ve had with my parents this past year. 

1) washington d.c. - mom and i got into to it in front of the fuckin white house at dusk. i was so emotional and upset at being there, right there where trump fucks over our country, and my mom was being...well, the woman fox news molded. i was furious and trying to keep it nice, so i asked if we could just stop. stop talking. i was gonna blow up. and my mom was like, “why do we stop when you say stop, but when i ask to stop, you continue?” which...is it true? i didn’t think so, and because i can’t keep my mouth shut, i argued until i walked away. i walked into the crowds and then i kept walking. i kept walking. i kept walking.  

it was terrible. i texted her “i’m gone” and i left. 

i forgot the details but i wandered that area of d.c. got a coffee. tried not to cry. and then...remembered how much trouble my mom’s phone was giving her, that her gps apps weren’t being accurate, that she wasn’t confident at the metro, and that it was now dark. that she was alone in an unfamiliar city with a camera bag strapped to her screaming “i’m a tourist!” 

i felt like utter and complete shit. it was one of the most despicable things i’ve ever done. later, i told some people and they were like “she’s a grown woman! you were both upset!” but no. i can’t make excuses like that. i knew that my mom was scared. i burst into tears. a crazy sobbing girl in the middle of d.c. i immediately texted her and told her to get back to me when she got to the hotel. 

an hour later, back at the hotel, my mom couldn’t even look at me. couldn’t speak to me. i knew i had to apologize and i did, wording it carefully because i walking on a minefield. i again blocked out most of the conversation, but it quickly dissolved into a mess of confessions. i was wrecked. at first because of what happened, but as our conversation turned into an argument, i became furious again. over how she interpreted some of our interactions. over how i “blamed” her for my anxiety and anger. i told her i got my anger from her. that i was slow to it like my father, but when something lit inside me it burned bright and hot and deadly like her. that her grudges and cold shoulders hurt me so, so badly when i was a kid (which she then explained wasn’t a grudge, just her processing her anger...but that was way, way into the night). oh god, it was so bad. so bad. she confessed how she felt about all us kids. told me about her problems with andi and nick. told me she wanted to move away from us. told me she didn’t want a relationship with me or them if it was going to be like this. 

i didn’t sleep. just cried and cried. like i did when i was a kid. sobbed in the bathroom and then under my covers. we barely talked the next day, but it slowly became okay. i didn’t know how to explain how much i loved her, so i tried to show her.      

in the end, we were ok enough. 

2) driving 30 hrs across the country - my dad and i were talking and he told me how he didn’t get us, and that we were hurting mom by rejecting her or something. he was upset and my dad doesn’t get upset, so i got upset and moody. and he was like “why are you like this? just with me? just with us. you’re so cruel.” and i knew it was true but it still took me an hour to snap out of it. and i apologized. 

--

but i feel sometimes angry bc i got the emo dump from both my parents. about both my siblings! and they don’t even talk to them about it! my parents don’t even touch nick anymore! they leave him alone because it’s easier that way and he wouldn’t listen even if they tried to talk to him! and my sister would get super huffy and feel judged and act out in some way and take the kids! so. i get it but i hate it!!! because i got the feelings dump! i got the tears and the hours of psychoanalyzing why we are the way we are! and i hate that i feel burdened by it sometimes?

 i want to be there for my parents but sometimes i’m that petulant child that still wants a mommy and daddy, not two parents who are human and exist with their own emotional life. and that’s so unfair to them and wrong of me, but i feel that way because i’m the child that gets this brunt of this side of them.  

but it’s because in my own way im the most difficult and this shit spills out when i push them. 

--

my parents (mostly mom) are only getting more set in their ways and defensive of their opinions. my mom...my mom who taught me so much about art and the world and appreciating different cultures and music and lived life with such vigor and wonder...i can see that fading and hardening. she’s stubborn about what she like and doesn’t have much interest in anything new. she’s offended and hurt when i gently bring up her how she used to be. 

my dad’s always been this way. very traditional, but kind. spoiled, but hardworking. likes what he likes. but he’s eating more greens. he’ll try what i make because i made it. we listened to latino usa and old radio lab podcasts that whole drive from wa to tx, and he loved it, and we discussed the episodes. and i loved him so much because he gave them a shot and we connected. 

but my mom. my mom. i miss her and she’s right there, but she’s not. and i know i’m part of the reason she’s retreated into herself and her more ‘sturdy’ beliefs and the friends who share them. she’s so quick to judge and harsh about it these days. is it age? is it us? is it this horrible world?

--

i came home to this. i came home and how quickly people change bc i didn’t expect my mom to be so old. in spirit. she’s tired. she doesn’t trust me. we’re working on being gentle. i’m working on not being so quick to anger.

my dad and i...i’m thrilled we’re getting along so well after i treated him like shit during the ~separation years~ between my parents. i was awful to him and he knew why, but he never called me out on it. 

my sis and i are fine. i’m so relieved she got out of that last relationship with that TERRIBLE PERSON and came to her senses, and somewhat grew up. we kick it. she cooks for me. we don’t completely jive cause she’s hood, but can code-switch between worlds, and i’m suburban through and through, so i’m not as cool or smooth as she is. i’m her dorky weird little sister and i appreciate her love for me. 

my brother? a mystery. a complete mystery. 

and i’m reminded of how he called me on my birthday and started weeping and asking about therapy and saying he’s sorry he never believed in my anxiety because it’s true--you don’t ask for, you don’t know why it appears, and it wrecks you. and he deals with it now for no discernible reason and he sounded so, so broken over the phone that i was shaking and crying when we hung up.

but now he’s as chill as ever and takes minimal care of his puppy because the 1st dog he got was pretty hands-off from the jump, but she was grown and pooed and peeded everywhere for months (he says no, but that’s selective memory), so now lil joe is mine and i need to get a job because the lack of structure is killlllllllllllllingggggg me. but i don’t want to leave lil joe :( 

--

it’s funny how i never set out to write all this shit, but it comes spilling out. 

huh. wait.

i left and i worked on myself but then i missed my family.

did i come back to work on the family? to work on my relationship with them? is that my purpose here and why i felt compelled to return?

--

went climbing with GA. i was totally afraid of falling and bouldering isn’t as fun to me as top rope, but i wanna keep at it. 

trying to set something up with B and A. my buds. i love em. 

gotta set something up with L because I have a feeling we’ll be good friends here. and weirdly, BG contacted me even though I haven’t talked to him since college? and even then we weren’t that close. he was just inching toward asking me out and never managed it.

--

fav emmy looks: zendaya (obviously. omg, whatta babe), maisie williams (whatta look, suits her perfectly, killed it), gwen christie (whatta jesus babe), that girl in the billowing mint green dress, anddddd clea duvall (a babe in a tux). 

vm continue to make me sad and hopefully things go well with tour for them. it’s nice to see them getting along with charlie and tanith. with bby charlie and tati and max’s kid coming along...oh boy for scott’s emotions. he’s gonna ignore the HELL out of those sad feeling for what couldvebeen with tess and he’s gonna plan hard for his and j’s future offspring instead. (can i also predict that i think one thing scott’s gonna have trouble with in his marriage--oddly enough--is keeping the marriage a partnership and not bulldozing over his spouse with his wants and needs ...wait, that’s not odd lol) 

--

anyway, gotta take joe out to pee. gotta get to bed soon because i wanna be on the trails by 7am and then maybe to the climbing gym. this face maybe a potato but my body can improve! (i’m thicc at the moment thanks to texas food 🤧) 

[chittaphonsicecream]

blackmail: a wonwoo hacker!au

synopsis: you’ve dumped your ex boyfriend and blocked him on everything, but you’re pretty sure he’s been logging into your social media accounts and stalking you. your best friend suggests that you go to the IT nerds at school and ask for some help in figuring out who’s watching you. you enlist jeon wonwoo’s help in stopping him and wreaking a little bit of havoc of your own. female reader x wonwoo ft kaistal bc I miss them

word count: 6.4k (the ending is kinda rushed bc i was lowkey sick of writing)

a/n: this takes place in an american college:) so basically… this is based on something that happened to me (the stalking part). wonwoo doesn’t get introduced for a while but when he does it’s worth it. it’s really angsty and slow but I hope you enjoy.

“Look, I think we’re better apart,” you said, staring your boyfriend directly in the eyes.

“I don’t agree,” he said. He grabbed your hand a little too forcefully. “You are the only one for me.”

“Jason…” you said. You took a deep sigh and looked at him. “I’ve been telling you for the past hour, we are over.”

“No, you can’t do this,” he said. “Yes, yes, I can,” you said. “You need to leave.”

“So the past nine months have been a lie?”

“No, the past nine months have been you manipulating me into thinking that I loved you and that you’re as good as it gets,” you deadpanned. “Jason, you need to leave. Now.”

“No!” he yelled. “There’s nobody like you, _____.”

“Yes, there is. I’m not special. Now get out before I call the police,” you threatened. “You’ve wasted nine months of my life, don’t waste another minute.”

“You need professional help, you know that, right?” questioned Jason. “You’re the most heartless, uncaring bitch I’ve ever met.”

“Hm, sucks for you,” you said. “Now get the fuck out of my apartment before Krystal comes home.”

“Fine, but we’re not done talking,” he said. “We’ll make it through this.”

“I really don’t think so,” you replied as you pushed him out of your apartment and slammed the door in his face.

Knowing what Jason could be like, you quickly locked your doors and waited in the farthest room in your apartment. He had been manipulating you for as long as you could remember, convincing you that you were happiest with him when really he was isolating you from the rest of your friends and family. You hadn’t even liked him; he just continually told you that he liked you until you caved in and consented to being his girlfriend. In reality, he was one of the worst people you knew.

Following the breakup, he relentlessly tried to contact you and become your friend. He even went as far as to send his older brother’s ex girlfriend, a good friend of yours, to tell you how much he missed you and how unhappy he was without you. She warned you heavily to stay away from him and his entire family.  

After you blocked Jason and cut him off completely, you began to adjust back to your normal life. You were becoming happier, more outgoing, and more of who you used to be. Everyone in your life noticed the positivity.

Chatting over bowls of cereal, you and Krystal were sitting at your small kitchen table. You opened up your Snapchat to find yourself logged out, which could mean one of two things: either Snapchat was being its typical glitchy self or someone else had logged into your account. The only person who knew your password was Krystal.

“Hey, Krystal, did you log into my Snap?” you asked.

“No, why?” she replied.

“Nothing,” you mumbled. “It must be glitching or something.”

“Okay,” she said. “Hey, are you still friends with Jason’s cousin?”

“Which one?”

“The one that introduced the two of you.”

“Oh, Hailey. Yeah, but we’re not as close as we were when Jason and I were just friends. And then we kind of drifted when I dumped him and now we hardly see or talk to each other.”

“I didn’t care that much,” laughed Krystal. “I was just wondering why your Instagram profile pic has her in it now.”

“I didn’t change it,” you said.

“Yeah, you did.” Krystal held up her phone to your face to show a picture of you and Hailey, clearly happy. It was a photo taken during the camping trip where you and Jason became close.

“I don’t remember changing it.” You grabbed her phone and took a closer look. You had more followers than you remembered, too, and you were private. “Maybe I did it when I was falling asleep last night.”

“I think it’s pretty new,” she said, “and you do weird stuff when you’re tired, so I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Yeah,” you mumbled in reply.

Over the next few months, small but strange things continued happening on your social media. Snapchats had been opened that you couldn’t recall seeing, follow requests that you never saw were accepted, direct messages were opened by someone other than you, posts you never saw were liked, stories you never viewed were watched, and random people were added to your Snapchat. Again, you didn’t think much of it.

After a few months of avoiding Hailey and discussing the breakup, you finally met up with her for lunch. She was desperate to catch up with you, especially after you had distanced yourself so severely from her. At one point she had been your best friend, but now the two of you were more like strangers.

The small restaurant was a nice little meeting place, and you arrived a few minutes early to make sure that your reservation was claimed. It was commonplace for Hailey to arrive rather late, from five minutes to forty-five minutes. After you ordered drinks for the both of you, she arrived.

“Sorry for being so late,” she apologized profusely.

“Hailey, you’re always late,” you laughed. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to see how you’ve been holding up,” she offered. “You know, our whole family really believed that you and Jason would get married. We’d never seen him like the way he was with you.”

“The way he was with me was constantly manipulating me and making my life toxic,” you spat. “Hailey, I didn’t come here so you could talk me into getting back together with Jason.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “but I thought it was worth a shot.”

“A shot that’ll ruin our friendship permanently. He’s an awful person. I don’t hate people, but I hate him,” you deadpanned. “Can we talk about literally anything else?”

“Alexa had her second kid,” Hailey offered, “and Nick is finally engaged to Alondra.”

Hailey went on a tangent about her older siblings and their success before circling back around to what she really wanted to talk about.

“And I’m dating someone, too,” she said quietly. “I didn’t want to mention anything since your past relationship was so bad.”

You laughed. “I’m not that terrible of a person. I can be happy for someone else, you know?”

“Okay,” smiled Hailey. “He’s going to Cozumel with my family and me next week. The whole crew is going, Alexa and her family, Nick and his fiance, and Jason’s family. Jason’s sister Madison is already pregnant and they wanted to get in a trip before the baby’s born.”

“They’ve been married for six months!” you exclaimed. “I was Jason’s date to the wedding. That’s…”

“An accident?” offered Hailey. “I think so, but she and Chad deny it.”

“Whatever makes them feel better,” you said.

“Yeah.” She took a sip of her drink. “Do you think I’m being too forward by bringing my boyfriend on a family trip? It’s only been a few months.”

“At least you’ll know soon whether this relationship is going to work.” It was meant to be a joke, but Hailey took it seriously. The conversation was becoming uncomfortable, forced with the continuous mention of Jason, so finally you excused yourself, left a twenty dollar bill on the table, and headed home.

The next week, strange things continued to happen on your social media. Knowing you, you continued to ignore it and think nothing of it. Finally, as you opened up your Instagram, you got a strange notification.

We detected an unusual login attempt. iOS | Jun 27, 6:10 AM | Cozumel, Mexico

Your heartbeat soared as you realized what this could mean. Tears welled up in your eyes as you quickly texted Hailey.

hey, are you in cozumel?

yeah, we landed a little before 6 this morning. why?

nothing. jason flew with you?

yes what’s wrong

nothing don’t worry

You ran to the bathroom where Krystal was getting ready for the day and started banging on the door. “Krystal!” you shouted. “Krystal, open the door!” You were crying and sat on the floor of the hallway until Krystal opened the door.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Jason has been logging into my accounts all this time. You know that weird stuff that was constantly happening on my accounts? It was him.”

“How?”

“I don’t know… All of my passwords are pretty difficult.”

“Okay, well, let’s start with changing your passwords.” Krystal paused for a second, and then spoke again. “How do you know it’s him?”

“Who else would be stalking my accounts? I’m not interesting. I blocked him on everything, and then this morning I get a notification that someone in Cozumel has been logging into my account. And you know who flew into Cozumel this morning? Jason.”

“Text him,” Krystal said. “See if he’ll say he’s been logging into your accounts.”

jason

wow didn’t expect to hear from you anytime soon

yeah ik

u feeling lonely i guess? ;)

no

aw babe

don’t aw babe me why have you been logging into my social media

I havent??

yes you fucking have leave me the fuck alone

no i havent

I got a notification saying someone in cozumel has been logging into my accounts and ik weird shit has been going down in my account this is illegal

theres lots of people in cozumel what if it wasnt me

im going to the police

you have no proof that its me

ill find a way to get proof leave me tf alone stay out of my accounts

Krystal snatched your phone from your hands. “I don’t really think we can do anything if he denies it,” she sighed. Her eyes lit up. “I know some kids in the IT department of school. I bet they’d help.” She pulled you up from off the floor. “Get ready, let’s go talk to them.”

You dressed quickly because the sooner you met with the IT kids, the sooner you could figure out who had truly been stalking you. As soon as you were ready, you grabbed Krystal’s arm and started jogging towards the campus. She had dressed well, like always, but you were comfortable and ready to run.

After a few minutes of running, you finally arrived at the university’s tech department. Krystal was friends with most everybody, so she showed you where the IT kids could be found. She knocked quietly on the door after you had ran up the stairs to the entrance.

“Come in,” someone called from the other side.

“Hey, guys,” Krystal said as she opened up the door. “I need a favor.”

“What is it?” one of the boys asked. There was only one girl, and she was quietly working away at her computer, headphones in ears.

“_____, tell them what’s been happening,” she said as she pushed you towards them.

You began your long tale of your toxic relationship, the messy breakup, the strange social media occurrences, and finally, that morning’s notification.

“I’d recommend talking to Wonwoo, the boy over there,” said the boy that Krystal knew. “He’s good with that stuff. Doesn’t get caught, either.”

“Okay, thank you,” you said. You walked over to the tall, dark haired boy with glasses. “Hi,” you said softly. “I need you to do me a favor. I’ll literally do anything for it.” You paused. “Well, not anything.”

“What is it?” 

“I need you to find out who has been logging into my Instagram accounts. You’re a hacker, right?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he said, “but I’m more of a vigilante hacker. I don’t just hack to hack.”

“Well, I think you’ll be intrigued by what I’m going to tell you,” you replied hopefully. You began your spiel once more, and by the end, Wonwoo had his chin in his hands and was staring at you intently.

“It’ll take me maybe ten minutes to figure out if he’s been logging into your account, but from the looks of it, he definitely has,” Wonwoo said. “But this isn’t my style. My style is more messing with people who did bad things on the internet.”

“Okay, but will you see if it’s even him? I think it is but can you make sure anyway?” you asked.

“Yeah, give me a few.” Wonwoo turned to his computer and left you alone

“Hey, _____,” Krystal called from across the room. “I’m heading home. I don’t want to be here too long. Are you okay on your own?”

“I’m fine,” you replied as you took a seat next to Wonwoo and watched him type rapidly. “You don’t mind if I stay with you, do you?”

“No, I really don’t.” Wonwoo didn’t even look up from his computer as he kept typing. After a few minutes, he came up empty handed. He looked at you confusedly. “His phone is heavily protected. I don’t know what kind of software this person has installed, but I can’t access it. All I can access is the Apple ID of the person that owns the phone, and it’s a bunch of random numbers and letters. I can try hacking into that, but I don’t think it’s going to lead anywhere.”

“What do you mean?” you asked.

“I mean your ex-boyfriend is either incredibly clever or he has someone else doing the dirty work for him,” Wonwoo said.

“He’s really smart. Tech savvy.”

“Then he knows what he’s doing.” Wonwoo looked back at the screen and then to you. “I think I can figure out if it’s him, but it’ll take a solid half hour. I have to hack into the account and then see all of the phones and devices the accounts have been linked to and see if any of them belong to him. You should go get food or something while I do this; it might be a while.”

“Okay,” you said. “I’ll bring something back for you. What do you want?”

“How about burgers?” he asked.

“I’ll be back soon. You have my number now, so text me what you want,” you said with a smile. Wonwoo nodded before pulling out his phone and sending you his order.

After about fifteen minutes, you were back with burgers. Wonwoo was spinning around in his chair and smiled at you. “It’s him. That Jason guy, it’s him.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“I know you want to go to the police, but I want to have a little fun,” Wonwoo said. “This is my speciality of sorts.”

“But what if you get caught?” you asked.

“I won’t.” He took his burger from you. “Consider this payment for my deeds,” he said with a wink.

“I don’t know if I want you to mess with him. He’s a little psycho.”

“He’s not just a little psycho, he’s a lot psycho.” Wonwoo smiled at you softly. “Look, ____, if you don’t want me to, I won’t. But I think you want this guy to get a taste of his own medicine.”

“Of course I do,” you said. “But what could we possibly do to him?”

“I have some ideas, but you’ll have to consent. And they can be pretty shady, but I promise you, we won’t get caught,” Wonwoo said.

“What are your ideas?” you asked.

“If you give me your phone, I can retrieve every conversation the two of you have ever had. The embarrassing, the sweet, the manipulative, everything. Blackmail him with his own nudes? Done. Blackmail him with the embarrassing, loving, manipulative things he told you? Done. He won’t mess with you ever again, not as long as you’ve got this on your side.”

You stared at him. His proposal was intriguing to say the least. You knew Krystal would approve, but you also knew that he would access a lot of vulnerable things about you. You had some rather revealing photos in there, and while that did bother you, it didn’t bother you as much as the awkward and embarrassing photos you sent or the things you had confided in Jason. But you knew that he may never stop unless you made him stop, and you’d rather it be in your hands than in the authority’s hands. You looked at him, bit your lip, and then agreed.

“You promise you won’t judge me?” you asked.

“I promise,” replied Wonwoo softly. He gave your hand a gentle squeeze to reassure you. “You’re a good person. I can tell by just how you are. Texts between some manipulator and you aren’t going to make me change my mind.”

“Okay.” You handed him the phone. “But can you walk me home and then take my phone? I don’t want to be without my phone in the city.”

“Sure,” he said. He began packing up his things and then wrapped an arm around you. “It’s going to be fine. I’m good at what I do, and I don’t care about what you said. I only care about what he said.” He squeezed your shoulder gently. “It’s going to be okay. I’m not him.”

“You don’t need to tell me that,” you laughed as you detached yourself from him. “I know you’re not him.”

“Okay, good.” The two of you began the short walk from the university, through a bit of town, to your apartment. Once you neared your apartment, you reluctantly placed your phone in his palm.

“When will you be back?” you asked. “I kinda need my phone back.”

“I’ll come by tomorrow, how about that?”

“Okay.”

“We can go through what you think would affect him most tomorrow. I’ll just download it all to my laptop. Since you won’t have your phone, just expect me to come over sometime between noon and one, okay? I have some actually IT work to do tomorrow morning but I’ll just have it download while I sleep tonight.”

“Alright,” you said softly. “Thanks for doing this for me.”

“I’m an internet vigilante. It’s what I do,” responded Wonwoo with a wink. “See you around, ______.”

He watched as you entered your apartment building and stayed until he saw that you were safely inside. Once you were back inside your apartment, Krystal jumped to ask questions.

“What’d they find out?” she asked.

“He’s been stalking me,” you said shakily.

“Well, are you going to report it to the police or what?” she asked, playing with her fingers.

“Actually… about that,” you began, “I’m not going to the police.”

“Are you stupid?”

“Well, Wonwoo-”

“Wonwoo, huh?”

“It’s not like that. I literally just met him.”

“Oh, really? Then why’d he walk you home? And stay until he knew you were in the building?”

“Shut up,” you replied quickly. “We’re going to give Jason a taste of his own medicine. Wonwoo’s keeping my phone for the night to download everything I had regarding Jason and to retrieve all of the old messages and stuff and then he’s gonna… well… blackmail him, I guess.”

“No way,” laughed Krystal. “You’re blackmailing the psycho? I didn’t realize you were that ballsy.”

“It wasn’t my idea,” you clarified. “Wonwoo says he’s like some internet vigilante or something and it’s similar to stuff he always does.”

“Wait, so he walked you home because?”

“He needed to take my phone but I didn’t want to go home without it. And I think he’s honestly a little afraid for me.”

“He’s nice. Kinda quiet but nice.”

“Quiet?”

“Yeah. He’s said maybe ten words total to me.”

“We spoke a lot.”

“Maybe he likes you better than me.”

“Maybe.”

“Well,” Krystal said while lightly punching your arm, “aren’t you afraid of what Wonwoo is going to find on your phone?”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” you responded. “All that matters is that Jason leaves me alone. And I don’t think he’ll care much anyway. He knows what he’s seen when he’s being a vigilante or whatever.”

“Yeah, sure,” Krystal said sarcastically. “Whatever. You know what I think you should do? Get drunk.”

“I’m not going to get drunk,” you laughed. “I think I’m just going to sleep until tomorrow morning. I don’t want to think about this.”

“It’s only noon.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with this.”

“You don’t want to deal with this stalker drama or you don’t want to deal with knowing Wonwoo will go through everything on your phone?” suggested Krystal.

“Shut up,” you said. “For real, I’m going to sleep.”

You headed to your room and decided to sleep for the rest of the day. You finally woke up around two am after hours upon hours of sleep. Krystal was still awake, and she had her boyfriend Kai over. They were talking on the couch when you came out.

“Hey, guys,” you said with a small smile. “I didn’t know you were going to be over, Kai.”

“Krystal was just telling me the rundown on your stalker,” explained Kai.

“Oh,” you mumbled. “Yeah.”

“Jason will get what’s coming to him. If not now, when he’s thirty-five and his future wife leaves him,” he laughed.

“Kai, that’s rude,” Krystal said.

“Okay and?”

Krystal moved a little closer to Kai and smiled. It made you miss the days of having a boyfriend, but you knew that missing Jason was detrimental to yourself.

“So are you really having some hacker kid go through all the stuff on your phone just to blackmail Jason? Someone you don’t know?”

“At this point, nothing is really worse than knowing Jason wasn’t leaving me alone, so yeah, I am,” you replied. “He’s gonna be over around noon, by the way.”

“I’m gonna be out,” Krystal said.

“Where?”

“I don’t know. Kai, can I come over to yours?”

“Sure, babe.”

“You just did that so Wonwoo and I would be alone!”

“Also so I won’t have to see Jason’s nudes. I know that Wonwoo will be able to dig some up.”

“Fine.”

“Well, it’s two in the morning and I’ve got to be up at six, so I’ll see you tomorrow,” Krystal said. “C’mon, Kai, we’re going to bed.”

You watched Kai and Krystal leave the room and decided to clean the small apartment. By the time you were finished, the sun was starting to rise and Krystal would be waking up soon to head to the gym for her early morning workouts. Once Krystal was awake, she made some food for the both of you.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” she reassured you. “Jason will get whatever’s coming. Don’t worry about it. And you should probably catch a few hours of sleep before Wonwoo comes over, too.”

“Okay,” you agreed. “I’ll go to sleep in a few.”

A few hours later, you were awoken with the sound of Kai attempting to make Krystal a proper breakfast. It was nine in the morning, and you rolled back over only to be bombarded by the pair running into your room with sad looking pancakes.

“Cheer up!” Krystal said. “Just because you have a psycho manipulative stalker ex-boyfriend doesn’t mean you get to act like the world is ending!”

“I think it does mean I get to act like the world is ending,” you replied.

“I tried really hard to make these,” Kai said, shoving the plate in your face. “Come out to the kitchen and eat them, please.”

“Fine,” you grumbled. You got up and followed Kai to the kitchen table. His pancakes weren’t too bad, but they definitely not good. Once you took a bite and gave them a thumbs up, Kai backed off.

“I’ve got to get to work,” he said. “See ya later, guys. I left my keys to my apartment on your nightstand if you still want to go over there when Wonwoo’s here.”

Krystal nodded and smiled at him before leaning over to give him a peck on the cheek. “Okay, be safe.”

The next few hours passed rather quickly, with Krystal running around doing random things and you eating more food than you probably should. Before you knew it, Krystal had left to Kai’s and you were alone, waiting for Wonwoo’s arrival.

Just before noon, there was a knock at the door. You opened it quickly, and there was your expected guest. He had takeout in one hand and your phone in the other.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he said shyly. “I thought it would be good to have lunch since…”

“Oh, thank you!” you replied, taking it from him. You grabbed chopsticks and you both settled down on the couch. There was a gap between the two of you and an awkward silence filled the room. Finally, Wonwoo cleared his throat.

“You know, I don’t think much different of you,” he said quietly. “Except that you’re maybe kinda dumb.”

“I’m dumb?” you questioned.

“Yeah, you’re dumb.” He chuckled softly to himself.

“Why?”

“Because you had barely started texting this guy and you told him everything about yourself. And I mean everything. I think I know you better than I know my brother, now.”

“I don’t know why I did it. I guess he made me feel important.” You sighed and bit your lip before looking up at Wonwoo. “We can see how well that turned out.”

“It’ll be fine. We’ll get him back,” Wonwoo reassured you.

“I honestly thought it was love at first sight. Or something of the sort. I just saw him and knew ‘you’re going to be important in my life.’”

“I don’t believe in love at first sight.”

“Really?” you asked.

“I think you’ve got to know them really well before you can love them,” he said. “Anyway, let’s choose what we want to get started with.”

He pulled out his laptop and opened it up to reveal a file containing every interaction you had with Jason on your phone. “Do you want to start small or start big?”

“Start big,” you said.

“Let’s start with the nudes, then,” he said. “Here’s my idea, but if you don’t like it, we won’t do it.” You nodded in response. “Okay. I have a program on here that creates a protected fake phone number. Almost like a prepaid that you can’t pinpoint. But there actually is no number that exists. It’ll just show up as unknown. I’ll begin sending him pictures he sent you or tell him his own secrets. Just to mess with his mind a little bit, and after that, we’ll tell him to stay away from girls or we’ll leak it all on the internet.”

“Will you really?”

“No, of course not. I’m not that terrible of a person.”

“Okay,” you acquiesced. “But if it gets shady at any moment, we’re stopping the whole thing.”

“Not to be rude, but it’s already shady.”

“Fine. If it get shadier.”

He nodded and began typing rapidly on his computer until he was at the program that allowed for him to send the messages. He went into the file where he had stored everything from your phone and began clicking until he got to the bad stuff: the pictures.

“Hey, Wonwoo, I have a question,” you said softly. He nodded in reply. “Did you by any chance… see any of me?”

Wonwoo began coughing and refused to make eye contact with you. His cheeks were becoming rosy, and he looked at you. “Yeah. But don’t worry about it. I’m not like that, I swear. I’ve never even had a girlfriend.”

It was your turn to be uncomfortable. “You’ve never had a girlfriend? How old are you?”

“I’m almost twenty-two…”

“Why not? You seem completely normal. If a psycho like Jason could get a girlfriend, you easily could.”

“But a psycho like your ex also goes out and talks to people. This… this is my life. I don’t talk to people unless it’s over the computer. How am I supposed to meet someone?”

“Haven’t you ever heard of online dating?”

“God, I’m not that pathetic.”

The computer pinged, and you both turned to look at it. Jason had replied.

who is this

IT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU’LL NEVER FIND ME ANYWAY

who tf is this i swear to god i will find you and beat your ass

YOU MIGHT BE SMART BUT I AM SMARTER.

how did you get that picture of my dick

I HAVE MORE

who is giving this to you

NO ONE OF ANY IMPORTANCE. STAY AWAY FROM ________ OR I’LL LEAK THEM

nice try

Wonwoo looked at you expectantly. “What do you want to do?”

“Keep it up. Send in more.”

image: sent

wtf

I HAVE MORE

leave me alone

NOT UNTIL YOU LEAVE _______ ALONE

who are you you’re not her she’s above this

IT ISN’T RELEVANT

ok fine but ur fucking weird

LEAVE ________ ALONE

nah bro. I gotta have fun in mexico with my fam but this conversation isnt over be back in two hours

“Now all we can do is wait,” he said.

“I don’t know why he’s so dumb. If someone was blackmailing me, I’d just stop whatever I was doing.”

“Not to be rude, but apparently you don’t have good taste in intelligent men. Or in men in general.”

“You’re kinda rude, you know that?”

“I’m more socially awkward than rude. It’s usually pretty hard for me to talk to someone like we are now.”

“Aren’t I special?”

“Yeah, actually, you kinda are.”

“Aw, you say I have shit taste in men and then tell me I’m special. My heart is melting,” you deadpanned.

“It’s true. This guy doesn’t have common sense, sends shitty dick pics, treats you like shit, and did I mention that he’s also not that much of a looker?”

“You think I don’t know that he’s a terrible, ugly, dumb person?”

“I think you’re way out of his league.”

“Oh,” you said quietly. You felt your face flush but refused to look at him. “Can we talk about anything else? You know basically everything about me; it’s my turn to know everything about you.”

In most cases, Wonwoo would’ve objected completely. This wasn’t comfortable for him, it wasn’t fun, either. But when it came to you, he was okay with it. You were open about yourself with him, so he didn’t see any reason not to be open with you. Besides, he’d practically seen you naked at this point, so he knew you couldn’t judge him.

The conversation flowed easily, the both of you talking about your family, your lives before college, the college experience, your friends, your interests, the things that made you happy, the things that made you cry. With every sentence exchanged, you felt a stronger connection to Wonwoo. This time when you felt that he was going to be important in your life, you knew that it wasn’t your brain being dumb and desperate. It was honest, and it was real.

Before the either of you realized it, the two hours were up and Jason had replied. Again, it was something stupid.

I’m not fucking dumb. I know how to hack too. I swear on my life that i will find out whoever you are. you can’t hide from me

This time Wonwoo looked genuinely concerned. He turned to you and asked, “Do you think he actually is good enough to find me?”

“Why are you asking me!” you exclaimed. “You told me we wouldn’t be caught. I swear to god, Wonwoo, if we get caught, I’m going to beat you up.”

“I know, but he seems smart enough technologically. And if he knows people…”

“The only people he knows that are into IT are the people at this school. And anybody that could help him already knows how insane he is, so I think we’re going to be fine.”

“Okay,” he said as he processed what to do next. “Also, for the record, I don’t think you could beat me up.”

“You’re a literal string bean. I probably weigh way more than you. Just because you’re tall doesn’t mean you can’t get your ass whooped.”

Wonwoo laughed. “I’m starting to really like you,” he blurted. His eyes widened as you looked up at him. “As a friend, of course.”

“Of course.” You took the laptop from hi shands and began typing a message to Jason yourself in an attempt to ease the awkwardness of the situation.

I DON’T THINK YOU’LL BE ABLE TO FIND ME, BUT YOU CAN TRY. DON’T FORGET, I HAVE MORE. I CAN AND WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU IF YOU DON’T TURN YOURSELF IN FOR MANIPULATING, ABUSING, AND STALKING _______.

“Is that really going to work?” asked Wonwoo.

“Of course not,” you laughed. “He’s got his head up his ass. But it will let him know that we’re serious, and when people make it repeatedly obvious that something really bothers them, he stops. But it takes a long time. I don’t know how long you’ll have to do it.”

“He’s such a jerk. I can’t believe you dated him.”

“I didn’t just date him. I told the boy I loved him. Even worse, I slept with him!”

“Spare me the details,” laughed Wonwoo. “What do you want to do now?”

“I think that we’ll just have to top for now. But if I were you, I’d send him one embarrassing secret or picture a day. Don’t say anything, just send it so he knows that it’s you. And then we can meet up sometime soon and actually talk and mess with him.”

“Okay,” he said. “That’ll work. I’ll text you whatever I send.”

���Please don’t,” you said. “I never want to see his nudes ever again. Or his face. Or a drunken video of him professing his love to me.”

“Okay then. I’ll text you when I send him something.”

“Much better.”

“Well, I should get going now,” Wonwoo said quietly. “I’ll see you around.”

“Thanks for this,” you said, “and the takeout.”

“My pleasure.”

As Wonwoo left the apartment, you began to wonder what this all meant. He couldn’t like you, could he? He didn’t believe in loving right away, but did that spread to liking? You waited until Krystal got home to discuss it. She was far better versed in this area and would be able to give you good advice. Krystal texted you around six saying that she was finally leaving Kai’s since Taemin would be back from vacation and that she was heading home. You were waiting for her in the living room, and the moment she walked through the door, you began blurting out everything that happened.

“Oh my god, does Jeon Wonwoo have a crush on the ______ ______?” asked Krystal.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you!” you replied.

“I think he does!” Krystal said. “Actually, I know he does. Keep up the good work, tiger.” She winked at you and walked away.

“Wait!” you called out. “What do I do?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “Wonwoo’s… he’s quiet, shy. You’re going to have to take this slow.”

“Okay,” you said. “I think I am more than capable of doing that.”

The weeks went by of blink-and-you-miss-it flirting over text messages with Wonwoo. The texts were pretty mundane, but you had found yourself loving every time your phone pinged with a notification from Wonwoo. You met up once a week to message Jason together, and each time something would happen. The brush of fingertips, an arm around a shoulder, a shared laugh, thighs touching while you sat. Nothing about what the two of you had was platonic.

After a few days, Wonwoo asked you two to meet up again. This time, it was at his apartment rather than yours. Krystal and Kai were throwing a small party, and Wonwoo didn’t want to be there, so you obliged to meeting with him at his home.

Wonwoo’s apartment was vintage, beige, and filled with things you never would’ve imagined it to be. There were books everywhere, a record player, and a leather sofa that looked straight out of a fifties movie.

“So you know we’re pretty close to cracking him,” Wonwoo said. “I mean, did you see those last messages? He sounded like he was going to have an emotional breakdown.”

“Yeah,” you muttered.

“Did I do something wrong?” asked Wonwoo, noticing the hesitation in your voice and attitude.

“No, no,” you said. “I just wonder if I did.”

“What do you mean?”

“Am I any better than him by blackmailing him?”

Wonwoo was at a loss for words. He looked at you, and then back at the ground. “I honestly don’t know” was his response. He took your hands in his and gave them a gentle squeeze. “Maybe what we did was wrong, but he also did something wrong.”

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, Wonwoo,” you replied. “I feel like a terrible person. I know I hate Jason, but I also know I’m better than this.”

“Well, we can stop,” he said. “We’ll stop right now.”

Wonwoo pulled out his laptop and opened the program he had been using to communicate with Jason.

I’VE DECIDED TO LET YOU BE. WHAT I AM DOING TO YOU IS JUST AS BAD AS WHAT YOU DID TO ______.

nah its worse fuck u tho

GOODBYE

ya know idk u but u got balls. ______ is lucky to have u ik im psycho when it comes to her but i want her to have the best. I mean the best is me but u seem pretty good too

GOODBYE

You looked up shyly at Wonwoo. “So he thinks you’re my boyfriend, huh?”

“I mean, I’ve been at it for weeks. Almost two months, even,” he said.

“Wonwoo,” you said, getting up. “I think I should go.”

“Why?”

“Well, we did what we meant to do. Blackmail Jason, and now it’s over, so I should go.”

Wonwoo stood up with you. “Okay.” He walked you to the door and watched you put on your shoes before he did the unthinkable. He grabbed you by the arm, pulled you up to him, and placed his mouth on yours. It’s sweet, but it’s short lived because Wonwoo immediately pulled away to look at you.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. Instead, you just laugh, and you pull him down to you. Suddenly, your arms are around his neck and his hands are in your hair and you are feeling everything and nothing at the same time. And then you’re laughing, and he’s laughing, and you pull away to catch your breath.

“Wow,” he said. “That’s…”

“That’s what?”

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” you muttered, pulling him in for a hug. He buried his face in your hair and then lifted your chin up for one more kiss.

“Are you sure you want to go?” he asked.

“I’m sure I want to stay.”

[sadromeo-blog1]

Hi

So its 2:28 AM CT. I am sitting here at my computer actually asking myself why I’m going to put my life on display like this but here it goes. My name is Rene. I’m 21 from Texas. I’ve lived here my whole life. I work for a well known bank although my position isn’t high at all and the job I do is very mundane and well...depressing. I’m gay. I am single and I have HIV. So yeah my life is a mess. 

I guess we will start with a bit of background about how I contracted this terrible virus. I met a guy on Grindr (yikes! I know) who seem’d to be pretty cute and well that’s about it. So i messaged him and he replied he came over we smoked a little bit of weed and then we fucked from about 8:00 AM until noon. You must be wondering how I lasted that long (by the way i’m versatile and yes I was on the bottom) and I myself don’t know how I even lasted that long. Lets just say the sex was amazing. So per usual anonymous Grindr hook-up I assumed that I would never see this guy again. Although we did exchange numbers, I myself didn’t think this would be a regular thing. How ever about a week or so later he texted me and asked me to come over to his apartment and hang out smoke and watch a movie....and of course squeeze a good fuck in there somewhere. So I went over. He lived in a one bedroom apartment not far from where I live on the north side of town. His apartment complex was a little far out but I didn’t mind the drive at all. When I arrived at his place right off the bat I knew something was just a teensy bit off. I asked if he lived alone and he said no that he had a roommate (red flag number one) and I asked “isn’t this a one bedroom though how do you have a roommate” and as per usual fuck boy response he changed the subject and said it didn’t matter. So I just went with it. We smoked and watched our movie and then we fucked long into the night. It went from the balcony of his apartment, to the living floor and couch then it went to the bathroom where we got in the shower and had some really great shower sex. If you are wondering, yes I was being safe. Yes we used condoms and lots of lube. At this point in my life I knew enough about HIV to know how to be safe. Mind you this is the second time we had sex and he had not yet disclosed his status to me nor did I know that he had it. As many of you may know HIV shows no symptoms or signs at all. It simply is a virus that attacks your immune system so there wouldn’t be any outward symptoms to show. So back to the story, we had sex blah blah blah, I slept over and went home around 9:00 AM the next morning. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days....eh it might’ve been a week to be completely honest. At this point in time it is mid March of this year...2017 and I had seen him all of two times. So he hit me up again shortly after this second sexual encounter and asked me if I wanted to go out and have a few drinks. I was all for it I love a good drink and a nice social environment so we went to a local gay bar had a few drinks then went to a night club and danced until the club closed. It was great and I enjoyed myself. At this point we had been seeing eachother for almost 2 months. I walked him to his car and got in cause of course his pot head self wanted to smoke. He offered to smoke me out, I said yes why not and we just sat there smoked and talked about our life and goals and stupid corny first date shit. Then towards the end of our conversation the tone changed. He stopped me and said “I want to tell you something before this gets more serious.” I replied “yeah sure whats up?” My first thought was Holy shit this guy has a boyfriend and wants to leave him for me what the fuck. How ever that wasn’t the case, he looked me straight in the eye and said “i’m HIV positive and undetectable.” I was in complete shock. Never in my entire life had I slept with someone who had such a serious disease. A feeling of immense fear came over me at that very moment. It took me a minute to reply and as I was thinking in my head about whether or not I should continue this relationship, I remember that HIV doesn’t define the person. It doesn’t make them someone you shouldn’t date or sleep with. Mistakes happen. Little did I know. So I replied to him “That’s okay. I know enough about it to know that as long as you’re not fooling around and having unprotected sex with anyone else and we use protection, I will be fine. I can get on PrEP and everything will be okay.” However at this point I already had the virus inside me and it was simply a matter of time before I realized my life would be changing forever. The very next day I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to be seen to get tests done to get on PrEP. The appointment was a few weeks out in the middle of April. He and I continued to see each other although the sex had slowed down. We had sex maybe twice after he told me and one of those times the condom broke and I was very scared. Then about mid april the week of my appointment I get a phone call early in the morning from him saying that he had caught gonorrhea and that I needed to go get tested to make sure I didn’t have it. So that day I missed work and went straight to my local clinic to get tested for everything. A week later my results game back and I was positive for gonorrhea. I went in for treatment and thought all was well. Then the following week I get a phone call from a different city official saying that I needed to come back in and discuss some other test results that had came back. I was thinking maybe they didn’t cure the gonorrhea so that’s why I had to go back in. So I left work early and went straight to the clinic before they closed. Immediately I was seen by a city health department official and she took me to a small room that had LOADS of HIV literature all over. She wasted no time in telling me I was HIV positive and scheduled me an appointment to see a social worker and doctor. I was hysterical, I lost my shit very quickly. The first person I called was the guy who gave me this and told him I was positive. Now get this all he said was “I’m so sorry this happened if you never want to speak to me again I understand.” I was shocked not only did the guy not show any remorse for not only sleeping with someone else while also sleeping with me but he just nonchalantly basically said oh yeah sorry. It almost seem’d like he didn’t care. 

Now lets fast forward to now. June of this year (2017). We didn’t talk for a couple weeks and then we started to hang out again. I really enjoyed his company and liked to be around him. He did make it clear though that he wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was I. Even when I met him I just wanted a regular fuck buddy. I mean let’s be honest now who doesn’t. He was vers. I was vers. It was great we could flip fuck and just have an all around great time. So we started seeing each other more often and I got to know him better he told me more about himself and how he contracted the virus and his family and what have you. We went out to dinner a few times and it started to feel like we were heading in the direction of dating even though that’s both what we didn’t want. But hey things happen? So one day when I was at his apartment after helping him move in and helping him get rid of a lot of old clothes I asked him: “hey, so since we both have this disease would you be interested in being my only sexual partner for at least a little while. You’re really the only person I feel comfortable having sex with at the moment and you shouldn’t be out having multiple partners because that’s what got you and I into this situation in the first place.” he said he would think about it and I gave him some time and then out of the blue he texted me saying that he was up for it but that it would just be sex and thats it nothing more. I was like cool awesome that’s great. We’ve had sex once since this happened. He call’s it an arrangement. Ever since this whole friends with benefits arrangement happened I still have this feeling that I can’t trust him. Slowly I’m finding out that he has slept with other guys that I have dated and know in the gay community and that he doesn’t really go out all to often because he’s....i guess for lack of a better word a huge fucking slut and sleeps around ALOT!!!

Things have been terrible bewteen us. It feel’s very one sided. I don’t like it at all. At this point in me typing this whole thing out I don’t feel like saying to much for fear that he might find this blog and might read this post and just know its about him. Lets just say im still trying to see where this goes. He has already told me that he doesn’t know how long this can last because he’s vers and wants to be topped but that he won’t let me top him because I’m not “his type.” When he told me that I asked myself is it really worth it? Is he just using me for sex? Am I just using him for sex? As well am I clinging on to this lifeless relationship for fear  of losing the person who gave me a disease that almost killed me because I know that it will be that much harder to find someone to connect with once I tell them that I’m positive? There are so many unanswered questions that I have for myself and him. I think ultimately what I want is closure and an apology. An apology for not being honest with me from the get go. An apology for ruining my life. An apology for taking complete advantage of me and then treating me like complete shit. Are all men like this? Do all men do is lie and be deceitful and vindictive in every way possible? What will come of this fucked up relationship? I sure as hell don’t know. Stay tuned for more updates. 

[stardusthqs]

IM MINJAE ↳ TEXT ME IN THE MORNING !

        i’ve got boulders on my shoulder,                          collar bones begin to crack ...      there is very LITTLE left of me                     & I’m n e v e r coming back.

OUTER CELL → BASICS

what kind of cellphone does your muse have ? how often do they use it ?

they have an IPHONE 7 in rose gold. they use their phone a LOT. they use it in situations where they’re uncomfortable, often pretending to be deep in conversation, be it through text or call. he also tends to pass his time scrolling through social media ( which does little to help his own self esteem ).

does your muse have a phone case or any other accessories ?

he has THIS phone case of a black cat giving the middle finger ( he also has it in white, and switches the cases every so often ). 

what is your muses lock-screen photo ?

minjae’s lockscreen is a photo of him and lilly -- she’s sitting on his shoulder, and has her paw pressed to his nose. he managed to a c c i d e n t a l l y catch himself just as he was breaking into a smile, so the picture’s slightly blurry, but it’s his absolute favourite. 

does your muse have a pass-code set on their phone ? what is it?

he’s TERRIBLE with passwords because he’s always forgetting them. that being said, he still has a password on his phone because he has certain folders and notes he doesn’t want others seeing, nor s n o o p i n g through. his password ( bless his soul ) is IMLILLY24 -- his cat’s name and his age. 

INNER CELL → CONTACTING

who does your muse call most often ?

minjae doesn’t call people often -- he doesn’t really enjoy talking over the phone, as it gives him anxiety. however, he most often calls :  I. his mother II. sehyun  III. minsoon ( his ROOMMATE )

what was your muses last sent text ?

TEXT TO BOSS FROM HELL → no, it’s fine.  TEXT TO BOSS FROM HELL → i can stay late tonight. 

TEXT TO TAEHYUN 💖 → so, um ... rain check ? TEXT TO TAEHYUN 💖 → please don’t be mad at me 😞

who does your muse text most often ?

I. minsoon ( usually about mundane things, and asking for times when they’re going to workout together )  II. sehyun ( they basically just BICKER and send memes, and minjae threatens to kill sehyun like ... every other text )  III. taehyun ( sometimes about getting together to h o o k u p, and sometimes about their feelings -- he also sends taehyun pictures of his cat, and probably asks about sohye every five hours )  IV.  elijah ( about tattoo ideas, and asking to get together late at night when minjae can’t seem to sleep )

what was your muses last call about ?

he called his mom the other day, and they talked about arranging for him to come home during the summer, just to visit for a week or so. he hated the way her voice fell when he told her how busy he was, and how work’s been s w a m p i n g him. 

INNER CELL → MUSIC

your muses top listened to songs ?

minjae has a tendency to fall in LOVE with new songs, and listens to them on r e p e a t until something new comes along and grabs his attention. ( also fun fact, i listen to all of these, and more, when writing minjae’s replies bc they help me get a feel for his mindset !! ) I. crush -- FALL  II. dean ft. gaeko -- HALF MOON  III. noah cyrus ft. labrinth -- MAKE ME (CRY)  IV. blackbear -- IDFC  V. gnash ft. olivia o’brien -- I HATE U, I LOVE U

what app does your muse prefer for music?

he honestly just listens to music on the typical music app that’s preset on the iphone. he d o e s n ’ t like streaming music. 

what is your muses favorite ringtone?

THIS is his favourite ringtone, surprisingly ? he normally doesn’t leave his ringer on, but when he does and the sound goes off, it never fails to make him smile. 

INNER CELL → SOCIAL MEDIA EDITS

[alterlifes-a]

✿ ✍ ⌨ IM MCFREAKIN LATE TO THE PARTY BUt those ones yes

[ hc. // @hertheory​ ]

 ✿ – laugh

         like pretty much everyone else, tooru’s laugh comes in many different forms, dependant on the mood. as discussed briefly in this answer, tooru tends to hide his chuckles behind a closed fist / hand. if that’s the case, there’s a large chance that it’s a genuine laugh. while he may hide his laughter because he’s embarrassed of it ( as stated in said other answer ), there are also times when he knows he shouldn’t be laughing, but does it anyway ( such as if something unfortunate happens to a friend and it’s really funny; like, not a super bad event, of course, just something like them going to get napkins but then accidentally spilling something when they get back, so they have to go and get more napkins… you know, little ironic scenarios that anyone could laugh at ). these kinds of chuckles are also usually prefixed with a snort or a stifled noise made in the back of his throat, since he tries really hard not to laugh. when it’s something like this, his laugh sounds similar to the one here !

         there’s also the little awkward laugh– you know, the “ i don’t want you to feel bad so i’m going to laugh at the joke you made even though it’s terrible ”, or even the uncomfortable “ haha this is a casual setting and i did not expect you to say something so weird / messed up, what the actual heck ” laugh. in that case, it just sounds more like a grimace disguised as a laugh, than anything ( which, admittedly, it is ). nonetheless, considering tooru’s superb acting skills, he can still make it sound like an actual laugh. though if you’re one to scrutinize, or you know him / his laughter well enough, you can pinpoint the little bit of pain in there. it sounds a lil like this !

         tooru’s also got the lil cheeky laugh, which is just a regular “ hehe ”; short, quick, a little breathy. he also tends to add little intonations depending on what emotion he wants to convey. a low and quick “ hehe ” conveys deviance; a low and monotone one signifies rebellious amusement, or acceptance / the ending of a conversation; one that rises from medium to high, or stays medium, is probably a short laugh at something; a high-pitched chuckle, particularly behind his fingers, is indicative of genuine enjoyment. there’s also the quick laugh that sounds more like a huff and is really breathy, followed by a snipped and whispered “ heh ” that denotes the same feeling. though you could also perceive it as an “ i am so done with you ” / resigned noise. 

         i guess i should also talk about his more boisterous laughs ? but tooru also isn’t a loud laugher in general, to be honest… i feel like he’d just do it to piss people off because his obnoxious laughter is really hecking annoying he just escalates in volume AND pitch as it goes on. there’s also his signature “ nyahaha ” which can be seen as something mocking / joyful / what have you, dependent on, again, the context.

         the list goes on and on, really, and i think it’s kind of hard to tell from voice alone whether the laughter he emits is genuine or not. you have to take into consideration the context in which he’s laughing– who he’s with, what he’s talking about, what he said beforehand or what he says afterwards… and it does mostly depend on what actions he takes while or prior to laughing.

                                                                                     ✍ - writing style

         given tooru’s perfectionist tendencies, it goes without saying that he has really neat handwriting. almost resembling calligraphy, i think the best equation to what he most likely writes like would be this font here ! ( also pictured below: )

         obviously, this is his chirography for shared notes, exam / essay papers, and the like. this is for when he really needs to exude a formal and neat disposition; especially towards elders, and people who might be grading him on things, whether that be for school, or extracurriculars. he wants people to see him as someone who is organized, intelligent, and perfect, and this goes hand-in-hand with good writing.

          contrarily, if he’s writing something to close friends ( such as a letter ), or just making notes on things ( doesn’t necessarily have to be school related but often is ), he’ll use a more “ cutesy ” font, adorned with a bunch of drawings ( they’re not good drawings, mind you– tooru is an awful artist, and he knows it. still tries, though ! ) in that case, his handwriting will look a little something like this.

         now, regarding tooru’s actual writing style ( aka his use of diction, metaphor, etc. )… he’s a pretty good writer, truth be told ! he’s part of his school’s literature club ( and, admittedly, one of its only members because… let’s be real, sports are where it’s all at, especially in japan ), so it goes without saying that his writing is better than the average student’s. he loves writing poetry most of all, though that doesn’t stop at just haikus. he has the ability to articulate what he wants to write very well, and the ink which flows from his pen when he does write is honestly a magic of its own, as it seems to move of its own volition. indeed, tooru practically sees the action of writing as the words in his heart creating art of their own on the page.         it is rather ironic, then, that tooru is not all that good at actual articulation, particularly in real life and via text. his texting style is VERY casual, and since i write him in english ( i know like, one word in japanese, and that’s it, lbr ), it’ll be presented in the form of him writing in “ internet slang ” aka using “ u ” for “ you ”, “ coo ” for “ cool ”, “ lol ”, “ LMAOOOOO ”, and what have you. i guess in terms of comparing it to japanese, it’d come as him cutting out a lot of preposition kanji ( he probably drops the の a lot, even by accident, so at times, you have の no idea what he’s talking about ), as well as using “ www ” to the point of it being ridiculous… seriously, he treats www like it’s an actual form of punctuation in of itself. oh, and emojis. don’t get me started on those. similar to his “ cutesy / casual ” handwriting style, tooru LOVES to illustrate what he’s saying. this kid probably wishes the kaomoji on his hiragana keyboard became an actual keyboard. i think he’d be a really annoying texter, depending on who you are, since he also tends to send 4 things for just one thought, as opposed to typing it out in one long message. ( example: txt. hey / txt. www / txt. how r u ? / txt. www / txt. pls reply when u can ! / txt. ♡ฅ(ᐤˊ꒳ฅˋᐤ♪) )

                                                                   ⌨ - time-wasting habits

          he literally has none. almost all of tooru’s time, whether or not he’s doing any actual schoolwork, is part of a schedule. like, i’m not kidding, it is very rare that you’ll see him set it aside for anything having to do with him. the only time you’re ever going to see him even come close to wasting time is if he shoves his schedule aside for friends. and, quite frankly, he kinda doesn’t have any. and even then he doesn’t see it as a waste of time, since he raelly loves hanging out with friends. thus, sufficed to say, anything one may deem as a “ time waster ” is, in actuality, something slotted within his own schedule. therefore, i will probably be tackling this under the guise of that narrative, since you’d be hard-pressed to find him doing an activity past his scheduled time to be doing so. ( note: for reference, i’ve also posted what his schedule basically looks like. this is something from a huge docs i’m working on that contains a bunch of headcanons for tooru. )

         okay, so as you can see, tooru really only gives himself breaks in between studying– these ranging from 30 minutes to almost an hour ( and even then, the small breaks he gives himself don’t actually last the duration from when they begin to when his bedtime is; they’re often way shorter than that, and i doubt he’d ever adjudicate more than an hour between study sessions for free time activities ). he often does a lot to pass by the time… playing video games ( he has a 3DS and a switch; his favourite games are pokemon and animal crossing ), going on his phone, posting on social media, looking at chat forums, talking to his plants ( he’s really lonely, ok ), making tea, baking, cooking, etc… he also may go on a quiet walk around his garden or the neighbourhood. since weekends are generally more relaxed in terms of what he has to do ( albeit exceptions such as going to juku and kyudo practice ), he might also go shopping, and even then, he’s probably just planning to buy something for a friend and not himself, or even just school supplies because… he’s literally just a loser… who does nothing but study all day long… hkfj SOMEONE LET THIS KID HAVE A DAY TO HIMSELF…

         i think this honestly just ties back into the not having friends thing, because if he did have people to hang out with, his schedule wouldn’t be so packed / sad… tooru is by no means an idiot, but he also isn’t very naturally gifted in terms of academics. thus, he has to pour a LOT more time into learning and studying than the average person. nonetheless, i think he’s more starved for social interaction of some kind. while he may have to work around his schedule, if you asked him to go and spend time with you, 9 times out of 10 he’d say yes. but alas, since he has no one to really do that with, almost all of his time is spent at home, working on one thing or another.         i also think that him not wanting to waste much time ties into the above; he doesn’t like to acknowledge his loneliness, so he just throws himself into the works of a super busy schedule so that he has no time to even think about the fact that he is not living the life of a teenager. he has no friends to hang out with, no place to really call his own, and no hobbies to keep him entertained. it’s kind of bleak and depressing, but what else can you do when no one tries to be friends with you ? you kind of just learn how to make the best of it, even if you hate being by yourself.         piggybacking on that notion as well, tooru probably spends so much time at home because he also wants to believe that his parents are going to come back from whatever trip they’re on. his mom and dad are practically never home, and his brother moved out years ago, so he really is all by himself in that huge estate ( and i’m not exaggerating; his family is loaded, and he lives in a traditional home in kyoto that was originally built during the heian era. it’s REALLY big but also REALLY empty, especially since no one but him is there most of the time ). part of his fear is that he’s going to miss them coming home one day, and even though they ignore him even when they arrive, he still tries to keep that hope that they’ll at least acknowledge his existence before leaving again. one of tooru’s biggest fears is people leaving without saying anything, so i think the notion of him not being home when his parents come and go is a really scary thought. again, this is an almost unfounded fear because his parents just. never talk to him, irregardless of their presence in the house, but tooru also has a tendency to make believe that they really love him and thus hopes a little too much in terms of how they react to his company.

[e-cce-homo]

9/1

hi si,

i miss u and your apt and doing hw at your apt and cooking and your snacks and the smell of loose leaf tobacco in your home LOL but forreal it’s the small things…

i’m pretty goooood i’m just super busy rn, figuring out my job schedules and my visa situation(i most likely need to leave the country to renew my visa), and also im wondering if the novelty of being here will wear off? idk, im just trying to live in the moment and ill deal with that feeling if it comes…

i’ve been here for a little over two months now. earlier today i was thinking about how exactly one year ago i was starting senior year, i was completely unaware of what my last year of undergrad would entail. i had chlamydia (didn’t even know yet) and was enamored with some random guy who is completely irrelevant now. and now i’m here. in taipei. starting a new job. and next year at this time i’ll be starting grad school. lmao. (sounds terrible to start school rn tbh). but yeah life is crazy…. life cOmEs At U FaSt LoLoL ~~

i am finishing up training with a job i’m starting next week. a teaching job, teaching english to little taiwanese kids. ill make $18 an hour so it’s not bad at all. but there’s a lot of prep work and planning that’s not paid for my coworkers are okay, kinda cool being in a community of “foreigners in taiwan”, but also kinda wish some of the people were kinder/smarter, idk, sounds kinda mean but tbh some of the other teachers aren’t super intelligent / super deep. like i couldn’t have “stimulating” conversations with them or anything… shit we talk about is so boring lol. i don’t feel there’s anyone i can talk to deeply about real shit, humanity, life, art. idk. not that every convo needs to be extremely profound, but just kinda miss the option.

there is a guy i met on tinder i really like tho , his name is sandy, i’m not sure if we are just friends or more, but he’s really smart and we have similar interests. i like him because i can talk to him about social justice, feminism, music, reflections about being in taiwan. he’s “woke” ahaha. it’s helpful having him around. and he actually reminds me a bit of you sienna. he’s a super smart guy, jaded by life a bit … etc etc 🙈he reads a lot and writes a lot. since hes really smart he is always challenging life and boundaries and stuff. he is pretty bad at texting. he also smokes a lot of cigarettes and doesn’t leave the house. LOL

other than that, i’ve started a book called “what really matters” by this famous anthropologist named arthur kleinman. he’s a cool dude. the book is just about being a human and how we deal with life when shit gets bad. (e.g. mass murder, unpredictable tragedies, etc). it gets to the core of what it is to be a human (e.g. being a human = to have no control over life, to not have control over basically anything lmao). i think it will be a good read for me at this point in life

hmm what else. idk i’ve just been exhausted so i can’t wait to sleeeeeeep …

pls tell me about your life.. we really ought to phone soooooooon lol we WILL FIGIRE OUT THE WHATSAPP!!

ps who is joel, huh????

have a great weekend ~~ welcome weekend?

On Sep 2, 2017, at 02:27, Sienna Yoo <siennay@umich.edu> wrote:

hi can you update tumblr or text me updates?

k thxxxx

Ann Arbor sucks so much more knowing your beautiful smile isn’t in town.

miss you and love you a lot

[dont-sneeze]

all of them

[nerdystrawberries1489-blog]

Can’t fall asleep right now...too much thoughts racing in my head. Just want us to be okay. Just want everything to be okay. We need things btw us okay because we have so many challenges we have to get through and I want the little things in our life to be okay so I feel confident we can make it through.  I mean its been tough jaan....right now i do feel like i don't know how our day will end ...it could end good or it could end bad...and its so frustrating to me. I don't want to be difficult. I don't want to come off needy. I want us to be happily ever after but I know my expectation are unrealistic at times. I don't know why we fight so much...maybe it comes from tiredness and we take it out on each other or maybe were not thinking correctly. Just want us to be okay to get through this together.  

I can feel it these days that you are slowly just giving up on me and I feel like you don't care about me as much and you mention it..which basically scares me into thinking that things may not work out btw us as we dreamed and hoped. And it scares me a lot jaan. I don't want us to distance and our feelings to die apart. Truth is my feelings for you would never die even if we don't end up together.  I would love you still a lot and it will bother me for rest of my life why it couldn't be. 

Anways I had to restart my post because I couldn't pick up from the last one. My week has been busy/ mediocre at work. Work this whole week consisted of 

Rounding in 10 Patients with 4 different attendings. writing notes for all patient, updating census, taking consults , updating attendings, covering OR cases, working in clinic, dealing with 20 + students texting me about coming to visit program, figuring out which student to take, and alway back in my mind wishing so badly I could be with you at Disney World. 

Work was a good distraction bc I was forcing myself not to think about who much I was missing you and keeping my mind busy and not thinking what you were doing every 5 min.  I was missing you so much and kept checking my phone and stopping myself from bugging you and letting you enjoy. But trust me I wanted to be next to you so badly and I wish I was.  And in my head just couldn’t wait for our days to go there together. 

I did try to socialize more and became little chatty here and there with people but being on floors I still had to finish work bc noone else was gonna do it for me. Just wanted to get everything I needed to get done before I left.  I hate staying past 5.  I was thankful that my coresident C was helping me out here and there.  This whole month attendings took lot of my time rounding...bc they spend hours with patient and it drove me nuts...and I had needy ass patient.  You think I am needy!!? ...this one lady just keeps on talking and had panic attack in front of me and I was like calm down...I don't have time for this. Literally spend 45 min calming her down. 

And then I had another attending who is so clueless and doesn’t know what he’s doing and is taking his freaken patient 4th time to the OR again!  It’s ridiculous and he hogs me forever ....not sure why but people have this going joke that he’s your boyfriend. -.- So very annoyed with him bc I’m trying to get rid of his patient so I can be done with him but his patient is getting sicker and sicker. 

And then students have been messaging me right and left about visiting.  Feel bad leading them on bc they all think we like them, but the truth is we can’t say no to them directly so we have to pretend to like them. And I feel terrible bc were basically wasting their time when were not really interested. We can’t release any hints on who we like bc its conflict of interest. So yes I am leading many students on bc I have to play this game.....I feel like such a player. LOL We already know who we want...and tomorrow we have a meeting of figuring out who we want to chose as our new residents. 

Clinic this week has been decent because we had so many students come to visit, we even finished 1 hour early. And same thing will happen next Tuesday which is pretty sweet. Its weird bc lots of students are fighting to get this program, mainly because of the pay and they think its super chill, when reality is its still just as much work. Clinic regardless exhausts me.

I feel like I hadn't had a decent rest since last Friday. Friday I worked. Sunday I worked. Then Monday through Saturday I’ll work again....so been a little exhausted. Rounding takes a toll on me these days ..bc I have to round on 10 patients usually. 

Thankfull in one week my second month of floor will be over. And then I’ll go off service which I’m nervous bc I’m getting my car next week and Im nervous as hell driving. You don't know how SCARE I am. I feel like I’m not gonna live to see 2018 bc NY scares me with driving. Last thing I wanted was to have a car in NY.  Please pray of me that I’ll be okay and wont get into car accident or die. 

I’ve been taking care of myself as promised...been eating appropriately on time and taking medication and sleeping. Right now my mind is buzz and I can't fall asleep bc so much on my mind and its 1 am.  

What else..oh yeah I mentioned about our current drama at work...its between C and I...Its just stupid shit but I is a bitch. And R is just struggling in IMED. 

And as promised I did make attempts to chit chat with R...he stayed backed yesterday to hang out with me before he headed home. He seemed stressed and felt left out of conversation in podiatry, so I just updated him on what was going on in the call room. Odd thing was he was on my case on getting a car...he was like you need to look, I can come with you to see cars, what you looking for etc...I didnt tell him yet i got a car, but I was like why do you care so much on my car problems. I mean its nice of him but still you know. Can’t figure him out.

Anyways tomorrow is how my schedule looks 

6:30 am to 9 am: Morning Meeting & Hopefully Discussing About Students (huge chance they may move it after 5pm...I hope not)

9 am to Noonish: Notes/Round/Update Census/Consults

2 OR Cases: 7:45 & 3:00 which both C will do it 

Noonish to 5pm: Consults 

Swoosh List:

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

Logs/Duty Hours w/ Naan

Notes for Saturday

Monday PowerPoint Presentation 

Check Bills

Exercise 

Shower 

Pray

Nap

Talk Ami

Spend Time w/ Naan bc NAAAN IS BACK AND HES MINE MINE MINE!!!! 

Anyways I gotta go pee and I should try to sleep bc its 1 am. Sorry again about making things difficult. I love you!!! Muaaah!  I hear you snoring ....it so soothing.  I am so tempted to wake you up but I wont because I can tell you are tired..and jeez now your snoring extra loud LOL!!! Haha if you were sleeping next to me right now Id be like hugging you tight and my legs on top of you and just snuggling into your warmth body and possibly drooling on the side and you'd be like ewww hummus.  Okay okay Im gonna end this and sleep too. MUAAAH!!! I can’t wait for you to be back! Please have a safe trip back to NY!!! Pack everything and don't forget anything!!! I LOVE YOU!