#im sure the actual episode said something sexist maybe | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

amaryllisblackthorn · 4 years ago

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so I'm going through 02 subs to get a better idea and track how takeru feels about ken post-kaiser

interesting is that in ep25, takeru says to miyako that he's opposed to ken joining the team, but unlike miyako takeru does think, like daisuke, that ken has changed and isn't the same as he used to be.

it's interesting that he's opposed to ken joining the team but also thinks ken has changed.

this makes him and daisuke the only ones who (consciously) think ken had changed at this point. miyako deep down feels that ken has changed but she wrestles with that feeling throughout the episode. hikari is unsure and wants to wait and watch him more, and iori is steadfast about his feelings.

if takeru thinks ken has changed, then why is he opposed to ken joining them?

it doesn't seem to be about holding a grudge or being unable to forgive him. the way takeru says that he's against ken joining the team is interesting, too. kind of soft and like maybe he’s not sure how miyako feels ? I don't know how to describe it. its not like iori's passionate no; and hikari's answer isn't so much that she's opposed to ken joining as it is she doesn't know yet. like, he’s committed to his position unlike Hikari, but he’s not as angry or intense about it like Iori? as in like, he has reasons, but they’re not reasons of like, anger? idk. and we don’t really get to hear why he’s against it, either. hikari’s unsure of ken’s intentions, iori can’t forgive ken for all the digimon he’s hurt, and miyako is uncomfortable that ken killed the digimon which makes her question if she can say he’s really changed. but takeru doesn’t really express why he’s opposed to ken joining the team, just that he is. it’s also kind of interesting that takeru is the only one we don’t see daisuke trying to convince one-on-one.

is takeru against it bc he thinks ken needs more time before being ready to team up? bc he thinks the team needs more time before teaming up with ken (like, the teamwork wouldn't be good bc of how iori's feeling, for example )? something else?

what's even more interesting is takeru overlooking ken and daisuke's conversation. to me it looks like daisuke caught ken on kens way home from school, in tamachi. if it was in tamachi, why was takeru there?? did he follow daisuke? did he want to talk to ken himself? did he just want to observe ken? bc like the way takeru is posed, it kind of looks like he unintentionally saw them on his way home, but that doesn’t make sense if he’s in tamachi; also, he’s alone and not with miyako or iori. so why was takeru in tamachi?

and what takeru says is interesting, too. I actually originally didn't get that he was referring to ken when he said it; I thought he was referring to daisuke (bc patamon was talking about daisuke) and I was kind of confused until I saw somewhere else contextualizing it as re:ken.

takeru says that [ken] doesn't seem to see things the way he used to but he looks determined, and he wonders what he's thinking.

[ EDIT: actually, now i do think he’s talking about Daisuke. his use of [demo] implies this statement is connected to his earlier one, which is him agreeing with Patamon that Daisuke is working hard. group this with the focus on Daisuke from Takeru’s focal point in the shot makes it seem he is talking about Daisuke when he says that he doesn’t seem to see things the way he used to. aaah im confused again ]

it then seems like takeru calls miyako afterwards?? as like a result of what he saw, to which we hear miyako say 'anyway I understand what daisuke was trying to say' before hanging up. and I'm like interested in why takeru made that phone call and what he said? like. he's opposed to ken joining the team, so he probably wasn't calling to try to persuade her ('like maybe we should give him a chance?'). but he does think ken has changed, which he thinks in previous scene with miyako and reiterates after watching daisuke and ken, so was he calling miyako because he felt like he should tell her that maybe ken has changed, irrelevant to if he should join the team? it's just... so interesting ...

and like. a lot of the kids hang ups are that ken seemingly killed an enemy digimon. but takeru was with daisuke in being resolved to kill the golemon if they had to in this episode, so I doubt takeru was opposed to ken joining the team bc of that.

in ep26 when daisuke is talking about understanding ken’s heart because of his crest, takeru says that daisuke ‘may be able to understand it but I don't really get it' and the way he says it is...interesting? like it’s not something he’s happy about, that he doesn’t get it.i really wish i could hear/know the actual words he’s saying, but the music is kind of too loud when he says the ‘but i don’t really get it’. following the subs, takeru is basically saying ‘daisuke may be able to understand ken’s heart, but i don’t really get it’. basically, takeru does believe that ken has changed (like daisuke has said) but doesn’t understand ken’s heart.

[EDIT: I think I figured out what Takeru is saying at the second part -- ‘boku ni wa, chotto pintokonai na’ which is accurately represented by the sub ‘I don’t really get it’. pintokonai is the negative form of pintokuru, which is translated as ‘get’ and also means ‘know intuitively’. this is probably a further hint at the jogress between ken and daisuke. but good to note.]

and when daisuke says that kens trying hard in his own way, takeru replies that he just hopes ken isn't doing it to satisfy himself (just to ease his guilt). takeru doesn't say this angrily or bitterly. he seems to like genuinely mean it but also is not sure that's not what kens doing? maybe even a little sad? maybe? and they have takeru looking back while the other three are a distant behind him looking forward, indicating a sort of moment with daisuke and takeru in regards to ken. they’re the only two still looking at ken, while the others are walking on.

ive looked a little more into it and what takeru says is “sono ganbari ga ... jiko manzoku de owaranakereba ii kedo ne” or iikedo(ne) i’ve seen them both ways. now the ‘kereba’ usually means that it’s a (provisional?) conditional form and the na means it’s negative, and they’re attached to the owaru, which means ‘to end/finish’. so it’s basically ‘if [it] doesn’t end’ -- basically if i understand correctly i think the sentence can also be translated at ‘it’s good, if that hard work doesn’t end with/in self-satisfaction’ or ‘if that hard work (...) doesn’t end with/in self-satisfaction, it’s good’, or even ‘that hard work is good unless it ends with/in self-satisfaction’. i have seen ‘ii kedo ne’ translated as ‘i hope/wish’ in certain contexts but the use of the (provisional) conditional form, i think, is lost using that equivalent. like, the nuance, maybe? idk its hard for me to say because i’m not japanese nor am i remotely fluent. wikipedia says that this form is used “In conditionals where the emphasis rests more on the condition than the result”, and like the overall meaning is basically the same with ‘i just hope that effort isn’t just to satisfy himself’ because the emphasis is on the condition of ‘(not) doing it for self-satisfaction’ and both suggest takeru’s unsure on if ken’s currently meeting those conditions, but idk i think ‘i just hope that effort isn’t just to satisfy himself’ can possibly come off a bit more negative/pessimistic/idk ? im probably overdoing. i just thought it was interesting

also the way takeru comes up with the recon plan in ep28 is very comprise/find a solution we're all happy with - y, for a lack of better words, which will kind of come up again at the end of the episode. hikari and miyako think it's a bad idea to go into the house bc it's almost def a trap. takeru & ken are aware it's probably a trap but they and daisuke think it's best to go in bc there's not really any other choice, but ken wants to go in alone so the others don't get involved/hurt, and daisuke is against ken going in there alone; I don't remember iori's initial opinion.

takeru then suggests that 'how about daisuke-Kun, Ichijouji-kun, and I go in to check it out first'. iori wants to go too, whether to pay back ken, to keep an eye on him, or because he doesn't want to feel like he owes ken anything by relying on him for this, and takeru voluntarily stays behind so miyako and hikari aren't alone.

Takeru's done this before in ep19, which comes off a problematically sexist, and im not sayin it isn't, but I'm wondering if it's more about numbers to him? like, it's not safe to leave the two of them behind not bc they're girls but bc it's just two of them, and three is a better number ? especially when you're on a recon/sneaky mission which was sort of the case in ep19 and this one, you want fewer numbers to avoid getting noticed. I'd have to go back and pay attention to see if that's consistent or if it really is just sexism. (hikari and miyako leave daisuke alone in ep19 which flies in the face of the number strategy, but that doesn't really shed light on Takeru's motivations; tho regardless that was kind of a messed up thing to do re:daisuke?) bc like. it seems likely /really/ sexist to assume the youngest should be responsible for the two girls just bc he's a boy, especially when one of the girls is the oldest member.

then ep29, when iori is hesitant to destroy archnemon, ,ken says that if that’s how it is to leave it to him so they don’t have to be the ones to defeat/kill her. takeru then comes in with ‘don’t try to act cool!’ (also used to me show off, try to impress, etc) and it’s..interesting. there’s like...emotion in his voice but like...it’s not strong anger/hatred or something..i don’t know how to describe it tho. he then goes and says ‘how about we find some place to temporarily imprison her?’

so what does the ‘don’t try to act cool’ refer to?

it was said in response to ken offering to kill archnemon so the other kids didn’t have to. takeru also responds with a (temporary) solution, a sort of compromise, before they have to rush to decisions. the digimon think they have to kill archnemon bc she will not stop. iori is vocally uncomfortable/against that. (miyako doesn’t say anything, but she has been shown to have the same feelings as iori on the matter; hikari has been shown to be reluctant to kill but accepting of the fact that sometimes its the only choice; daisuke and takeru are both for it if it comes to that). ken wants to be the one to kill archnemon so the other kids dont have to. so takeru’s solution here is let’s find a place to imprison her for now, and we can decide what to do then.

takeru probably isn’t protesting the fact that ken thinks killing archnemon is the answer first in itself. like i said before, takeru was completely onboard with killing the golemon with daisuke if it came to that. so what does he find objectionable in what ken proposed? what is it that takeru is objecting against when he tells ken not to act cool?

i think it may be referring to ken being willing to be the one to bear the sin, so to speak. in other words, ken’s sort of martyr complex motivated by his guilt . like, in a ‘don’t do this to satisfy your guilt complex’. he doesn’t find the proposed action objectionable but the motivation, which is part of why he proposes to delay making a hard decision on archnemon’s fate, so ken doesn’t do it just because he feels like he has to be the one to do it, because of his guilt or masochism. if that makes sense. i think it sort of ties into what takeru was saying back in episode 26, about how he hopes ken’s hard work isn’t for self-satisfaction (to satisfy his guilt).

in episode 30, all the kids are disappointed that iori and ken aren’t getting along, which seems to mean that the rest of the kids at this point aren’t against ken being on the team anymore. hikari makes a comment about ‘i cant say i don’t know how iori-kun feels, but...’, implying that she personally still has some reservations about ken, but isnt against him being on the team. this also implies that takeru is no longer opposed to ken being on the team. so between ep25 and ep30, takeru is no longer opposed to ken being on the team.

also takeru looks noticeably mad after archnemon and mummon escape at the end of ep29 and speaks pretty angrily when he asks them ‘what do you want’ when they show up in ep30, and that could be in response to archnemon saying in episode 29 that her life’s purpose is for destruction. the blackwargreymon arc goes over how takeru feels about that kind of motivation.

i still have to go over the destiny stones arc before i can make a proper analysis of takeru’s perspective but so far from what i’ve gather, i think takeru’s main concern is regarding ken’s motivations (re:his guilt). takeru believes that ken has changed and is also not against killing digimon if it comes to that, so those can’t be the reasons he was opposed to ken joining the team. and the few comments he makes in regards to his thoughts re:ken seem to be connected by that idea (his motives).

‘you may be able to understand [ken’s heart], but i still don't really get it/know intuitively.’

‘ i just hope that effort isn't just to satisfy himself’/’it’s good, if that hard work doesn’t end with/in his self-satisfaction'

‘don’t try to act cool!’ in response to ‘if that’s how it is, then let me be the one to do it. you guys don’t have to be the ones to take him down (ie kill)’

i’m curious to see how that carries over to the destiny stones arc and the resolution. i remember yamato drawing a parallel to iori about takeru and ken feeling the same way about those who use powers of darkness for destruction, and i recall ken saying that those who do so are ‘unforgivable’, the same word takeru used back in ep20, i think, to refer to kimeramon and the same word takeru uses in the destiny stones arc; i’ll have to note if takeru has a reaction to ken saying that, and if that has any significance -- ken being motivated not just by his guilt but by righteous indignant anger.

something else interesting to note is that takeru and daisuke seem to have similar feelings about ken -- that he’s changed and that it’s not a good thing that he seems to be motivated by guilt (Daisuke’s iconic ‘live’ (pre)jogress speech). a big difference is, though, that daisuke reaches out to ken, and takeru doesn’t.

part of that is because daisuke is a really earnest guy, for lack of a better word. i’m also wondering if the embarrassment takeru says he feels in that drama cd regarding losing it and attacking ken has anything to do with takeru not reaching out to him? i think the first time takeru really ‘reaches out’ to ken is when takeru offers ken the food at that restaurant at the end of ep37, or maybe even earlier in that episode when takeru says that thing about ‘not losing the light inside of you’ in response to/to refute ken’s statement regarding the darkness; the next episode having takeru gladly accept ken’s invitation to his party. but like i said, i need to watch the episodes and observe before i can actually say anything.

i’m just really interesting in understanding takeru’s feelings regarding ken post-kaiser, because i feel like it’s a little vaguer than the others are? at least to me. so im finding this all interesting.

so, the big questions for me:

why is takeru opposed to ken joining the team?

why was takeru in tamachi? (if he was)

why did takeru call miyako? (if it was him)

why was takeru no longer opposed to ken joining the team by ep30?

what did takeru mean when he told ken to not act cool?

as i’ve shown i have some ideas, but hopefully after this watchthrough i’ll have a better understanding or something.

also there’s a good chance i mislabeled an episode or several so im apologizing now if i missed any

EDIT: I got to the Christmas episode, wrote my notes, so I’ll be able to finish the analysis pretty soon ! (some of) my preliminary thoughts on this part are basically:

ken probably thinks takeru dislikes him until the qinglongmon episode

takeru probably doesn’t realize that ken probably thinks he dislikes him until around the qinglongmon episode

this may be related to takeru not really realizing how private/reserved he is about his inner feelings/thoughts and how it comes off

among other things. ep 34 and 35 are pretty meaty which is why it's taking a while to get my thoughts together in a semi-coherent manner

#digimon adventure 02 #digimon #adventure 02 #digimon adventure #takeru takaishi #ab analyzes

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initiumseries · 6 years ago

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I wanted to ask: What were your thoughts on the CAOS season 2 finale?

Oh my god thank you for asking, I’ve had the beginnings of a review sitting in my drafts forever because I’ve just been so busy. But I can definitely break down my thoughts on the CAOS finale here (this gonna be long lol)!Ok so, a few points that stick out from memory (all building to that shitty finale):

- I wish CAOS took far more care and was more deliberate in building this world and the mythos. Like…anti-pope? Really? That’s the best they could come up with? DRESSED LIKE THE ACTUAL POPE, just in black and silver instead of red and gold? LOL. How fucking original.

Also, they need to explain this universe to me because if everything about witches and the Dark Lord is the complete antithesis of Christianity then, explain why they insisted on beating me to death every damn episode with how patriarchal, chauvinistic and oppressive this world is? Like, that IS christianity lmfao. So like, why isn’t this satanic world not more free loving, progressive and matriarchal? Why aren’t women revered? Why is Lilith the Dark Lord’s servant? Her origin story is still stupid because the whole reason she was cast out was for not being subservient to Adam, but she met Lucifer and just blindly bent the knee and tolerated centuries of abuse and mistreatment…for the hope of becoming the Queen of Hell? Her reason to Sabrina makes literally NO SENSE. Also, they’re so inconsistent, sexual fluidity is fine, orgies are great, promiscuity is celebrated, and encouraged, even in teenagers:

but women must be subjugated? How does that even make sense? And like…why? They don’t even provide a reason. It’s literally just “because we say so. Lol.” I guess they’d have to actually think of something interesting instead of leaning on the crutch of white feminism and choking us all with it, so it was easier to just…do this. - Season 1 establishes Prudence to be extremely dedicated to her culture and customs, she was prepared to die as Queen of the Feast, and she was gonna have fun on her way out.

(im gonna come back to the blessing that is P&A in A MOMENT) While she wasn’t prone to questioning witch customs, she was still the leader of the weird sisters (she even gets upset when they make decisions without her prior approval) and controlled that school with an steel grip or whatever. It was well established she thought for herself and wasn’t afraid of challenging someone when she thought it appropriate.

But she finds out her father is Father Blackwood, whom she’d only shown the appropriate amount of deference to up until now, and now all of a sudden she’s mewling and begging for his acceptance and name? All season? Why? The first couple sexist ass rejections should have been enough for her to say, ok well fuck you, but instead she goes so far as to imprison Ambrose and allow him to be tortured all because of whatever Father Blackwood said? With no questioning, no guilt or second guessing even? She just blindly believes Ambrose is guilty until she herself is under fire? But like why? This shitty plot required an extreme dumbing down of Prudence’s character and that really sucks. - Ambrose and Prudence were the best part of this show and I want a spin off and I want it YESTERDAY.

Like…I would watch a whole season of them dressed like this just hunting down Father Blackwood and hooking up and maybe mashing up some other things on the way lmao. This is all I want from CAOS is these two, nothing else. This was the best moment of the finale tbh. And it was high key dry because I watched them get up to foolishness for too long before it.

- Sabrina is supposed to become the Dark Lord’s queen/wife…but he’s her Dad? Can y’all just slow tf down on all the damn incest? Also, this is literally the most chemistry Sabrina has had with literally anyone on this show because ofc it is (and that’s not saying much but like…it’s less painful than Austin Harvey).

- Also BIG FAN (not) of the random musical moment on the last episode to top off this extremely tacky, extremely corny season on a peak of bullshit. Also…who is the costume designer? Who can I send my formal complaint to about that crown? And this entire outfit? Anyway�� - Sabrina is SO DUMB for taking THIS LONG to suspect Ms. Wardwell before now. SHE LEGIT WAS GONNA LEAVE YOU IN LIMBO SIS LOL. Her white feminist speechifying was boring and wack but I guess it led to Lilith becoming Queen of Hell so…yay? I guess?? A more progressive Hell with a woman leading it!! Also, I’m still waiting on an explanation of Sabrina’s resurrection and those RANDOM ass archangels that showed up out of nowhere. That could have been super interesting if the writers didn’t write this show like it was a bad acid trip.- Satan needed more bass in his voice. - my biggest gripe: How did we get here Father Blackwood? Like…you was always intense, but we went from using magic on your wife (Zelda really should have expected as much tbh I’m not sure how she didn’t from that moment they were walking down the steps. I hate how this plot required ALL the women to be dumber than normal) to using magicked teenagers to murder the anti pope and then pulling a Jonestown on like…the entire coven and dipsetting in like 2.5 seconds? But like…WHY? I don’t understand how everything escalated so fast and so far out of the realm of sense. Dude just decided “well IF I CAN’T OPPRESS WOMEN, NO ONE CAN.” And killed everybody? And given that the show went through great pains to articulate just how thoroughly sexist all the men in authority positions were…I don’t understand why he even bothered. Based on their attitudes, there’s literally no reason the anti-pope would accept Sabrina’s father’s ideas for the future of the coven. He would just be like “mmm cool story but I like assaulting women too much.” And kept it pushing. Talk about CONTRIVED. This show is just SO WACK but at least Sabrina and that crunchy wig of hers got cussed out a couple times I guess.

#long post #caos spoilers #anti caos

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mags-love4ever · 6 years ago

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Karen 3.10

I wanna talk how I dont for a second really blame Karen about Kevin´s death. And I get WHY she blames herself and it makes sense to the character and the show storyline but for me, she needs to forgive herself and I TRULY HOPE MATT (and Foggy) will help on that!

* So, Karen is 19 years old and Kevin was 16... in the dinner scene she mentions “This place has been going down for YEARS” , that makes me think that her mother had been dead for 2 years or so... meaning that she was 16, or 17 then and Kevin was like 14,,, I can see a 16 years old girl so HURT AND ANGRY because her mother was gone but instead of having the HELP AND SUPPORT from her father... He could just NOT SEE his children´s needs, he could only see his pain and his suffering, he was that selfish.

So KAREN had to be the mom, she had to take care of her little brother AND HER FATHER with mom gone... a teenager, with emotional problems of her own but she didnt have time or NO ONE to take care of those.

“Mom used to do everything around here...NOW I HAVE TO...”

She had to take care of EVERYTHING... again, we are talking about a girl from 16/17 to 19 years old..! - and you can see in the episode that her father puts ALOT of pressure on her, and HOW the job is done. He is not just ok with her doing, it had to be done perfectly or like HE wanted it,

She had to give up on HER DREAMS, on what SHE WANTED for her life and future!

She would GIVE HERSELF UP for her family, or what it was left of it...

She couldnt just LEAVE THEM... she wouldnt.

Also I believe because her brother was young and if she left, would her father man up and take care of him? or would he do to Kevin what HE DID TO KAREN when she was 16? - She was too nice, too affraid to leave as a question, she would not leave her baby brother with her selfish father.

A FATHER that not only couldnt see her pain, her struggles or her brothers OR HIS FREAKING WIFE´s true dreams and wishes, he could not freaking see ANYONE BUT HIMSELF? Talk to me about being blind... BUT he was actually was incredible rude and INSENSITIVE towards Karen... sexist if I have to say... she was a girl, so SHE DIDNT HAVE A SAY even if SHE TOOK CARE OF THE WHOLE PLACE..!!!

And this part of the scene MAKES ME SO ANGRY,,,

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS PIECE OF SH*T!!!???? - He not only ignores his daughters wishes, overworkers and makes her responsable of taking care of her little brother AND THE WHOLE PLACE... He buys shit they cant afford and PRETENDS FOR HER TO FIX IT... its also HER JOB to fix his FREAKING POOR DECISIONS!!!

You can totally see the anger, the frustration in all over her face...she wants to scream, she wants to run for her life but she cant. she wont.

She was A KID, being mistreated, being ABUSED by her father... she didnt want that for her life, she wanted to leave, she hated that small town but she couldnt , SHE WAS TRAPPED THERE. so whats the most common way of teenager to act out? Yeah, seeing bad boys and doing drugs... can you blame her? I feel soffocated just thinking about her situation!

- The ACCIDENT...

She finally stood up for herself, she spoke her truth, her mothers truth and her sweet little brother did something as STUPID as burning your sister´s drug dealer boyfriend´s trailer and STAY THERE FOR HIM TO FIND YOU...

She even shots her boyfriend TO SAVE her brother Kevin! - She was scared and nervous and SHE NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THERE... Yeah, not being sober, CLEARLY didn help but what OPTIONS did she really had? - Would have she acted DIFFERENT if she WAS SOBER?

This is heartbreaking, poor Kevin... but She Would NOT JUST LEAVE... She was not about to do it. She was going to FIX IT. She always does.

and SHE DOES NOT ABANDON THE PEOPLE SHE LOVES (MATT)

In my eyes, EVERYTHING that happened was just circumtastial ... Her dad was an IDIOT, his actions, his abuse behavior towards her made her take poor decisions as taking drugs, her sweet brother as an INTENT to protect her / saver her made a stupid MISTAKE too, her dick boyfriend was to freaking KILL her brother... all of that, was not on her! - Taking drugs that night, driving the care... yeah, maybe but...

what Kevin said “Ive already lost mom” ,,,bringing up their dead mom to this whole mess... she CLEARLY was not over her death, neither was Kevin (they clearly didnt have HELP on dealing with it, thanks to their father!). So bringing her up, saying that , it really was a stab in Karen´s heart... it was split of second, it was ONE FUCKING SECOND and it all went down.

My big question is... was it really her fault? and even, was it really about the drugs?

I feel that could have happened WITHOUT the drugs being involve perfectly.

Its not like she was drugged and went straight to a tree or another car or something... He said SOMETHING PAINFUL, and she got distracted, one second with her eyes out of the road and that was it.

I fee that could have happened to a SOBER person.

Maybe just me, but I dont really blame her AT ALL ... And I understand why she feels guilty, because she didnt leave because of guilt but when she says “I killed him” or even putting it next to killing Wesley sounds a bit much to me.

This annoys the hell out of me too...

Her asshole of father, BLAMES HER and even bring up her mother, trying to make her feel EVEN WORSE...

And no, let me tell ya... if her mother was alive, Karen wouldnt have gotten into drugs in the first place, and Kevin wouldnt have try to PROTECT HER... so yeah, if they had a REAL GOOD PARENT, none of that would have happened!

If her father could take his head out of his ass and instead of seeing HIS NEEDS AND HIS PAIN only but actually comfort his kids and be a good guide and support system to them, Kevin would be alive and they would still be a family. -

If Kevin didnt die, Karen would probably still be in that damn town or dead herself.

So in that moment he kicks her ,,, He was still angry, needed time to process everything...

But NO, even 14 YEARS LATER... 14 LONG YEARS, he still does not take one piece of responsability for what happened... he STILL blames it all on her!

and only that, he doesnt give a shit if she almost died, or if she is still in danger, BUT HE ACTUALLY MAKES SURE to make her feel guilty, small and bad...

“Its what you do, Karen”

Oh boy, I wanna punch him!

and Then people say she was reckless in going to see FISK, SHE COULDNT CARE ABOUT HER LIFE! - She lost Matt, her job, Ellison, she felt guilty about the bulletin shoot and her FATHER MADE SURE she believe it was all her fault, Because thats she does... she is a “bad person” that only brings misery to this world... would she let Fisk kill more innocent people or get to Matt or Foggy..? NO. of course NOT, even if she had to die trying.

Anyways, I HATE HER FATHER... Didnt you notice?

Im just happy she has MATT and Foggy in her life. They love her and care for her and know who SHE REALLY IS!!

THEY are her family, her home... her future husband and their best friend. WE LOVE A TRIO !

#Karedevil #Daredevil #KarenPage #Karen x Matt #Karedevil season 3 #Daredevil meta #Karedevil meta #Karen page

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radiantseraphina · 6 years ago

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Do you have any advice for writers who just. Don't have an experiance with important things? Like, if I wrote a story with a plot that followed conflicts I personally deal with, it would be whiny and dull. But I worry if I try to branch out to issues other people face, my lack of experiance on the topic will come across as plastic, or worse that im trying to profit off of other people's problems. But every story needs a conflict of some kind,,, and you get the picture

Hmm… If you feel comfortable with it, send me an ask with maybe some examples of what you’re thinking of, so I can give you some more specific advice. Because, like, writing about racism is quite different from writing, about, say child abuse? Also, I would argue that you shouldn’t so easily discount your own experiences and that there are, well, still plots you can write that wouldn’t fall into these, but that’s another post entirely. But here are my general thoughts in loose categories.

Firstly, do your research, preferably from people who have experienced whatever you want to write about. That’s crucial to approaching experiences that you don’t have. Aside from things like slaying dragons. Literal ones, of course. Metaphorical ones may still require research. But here’s the thing. Simply put, most problems are complicated. So how do you keep, for example, your story about racism/homophobia/sexism/ableist/etc. from sounding like a Very Special Episode™?

Keep in mind that most people know these things are bad. That’s why people always deny being them. Bob the Bigot isn’t homophobic; Bob the Bigot is ‘I don’t have a problem with gay people, BUT–’ So you need to go beyond X is Bad. And I’ll admit that’s something I struggle with. Incidentally, that’s why in DLU Alera’s racism stems from her insecurities (and her desire for money, which comes up later); Alera is constantly afraid of giving up her power, so she tries to make sure she has all of it and constantly tries to claim it’s what Bikaia would have wanted. Do I succeed? I don’t know. Maybe. She’s also loosely based off a certain president, but we won’t go there. So I suppose this boils down to ‘don’t just make someone racist/sexist/homophobic; give them reasons for being racist.’

And I don’t mean, ‘this person hates gay people because a bisexual woman named Seraphina murdered their wife.’ Your readers aren’t going to be fooled by such an obvious ploy for sympathy. Like, I do think you can have a character be whatever because they don’t think they are, and that tells us something other than Don’t Be Racist, Zelda. But do the extra work beyond X Is Bad.

(That being said, if you are looking at writing about racism/ableism/transphobia you would definitely want to ask someone besides me. As much as I’ve learned about these from academia and other places, I am still an able-bodied cisgender white lady.)

So now, you’ve made your plot something besides a Very Special Episode™. At this point, you need to look at your characters. Why? Because characters drive plot. So if you’re writing about sexism/racism/homophobia/ableism, you’re probably going to have characters who are very diverse. You might have a hard time writing about biphobia if you don’t have an bisexual people in your story. So at this point (assuming I’d already done my research about these complicated issues), I would look at TVTropes. I’m not even kidding. It’s a great source for finding all the negative stereotypes associated with any given group of people.

Now, here’s where it gets tricky. Some tropes you very obviously should not use. But you also need to use some judgment here. For example, just because the Dashing Hispanic is a trope…doesn’t mean you should simply go to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and never write a Hispanic swordsman, even when the setting would call for it, and make all your Hispanic characters as un-dashing and unattractive as possible. And really, a lot of things (but definitely not all!) can be fixed if you humanize your characters really well. So keep in mind that your Hispanic swordsman isn’t just a swordsman or defined solely by his swordsmanship. Just like you aren’t also just a student/writer/whatever. Or maybe you take away the dashing bit and turn him into a flustered mess anytime a man/woman/nonbinary pal pops into the room.

Incidentally, some tropes can also be a good starting point if you notice there is a lack of diversity in them. I’ve been wanting to, for example, write a female Swashbuckler character (and well as a lady Hannibal Lecter) for ages and just haven’t gotten around to it.

(I personally also look up sporkings (chapter by chapter critiques) and/or reviews of relevant books for tips. Right now, I’m following a sporking of Mists of Avalon, once considered the feminist Arthurian adaptation before it was revealed what a horrific person Bradley was. Do I like Mists of Avalon or Marion Zimmerman Bradley? No. But if I want to write a bestselling feminist version of the Arthurian legend revolving around Sir Gawaine, I’m damn sure going to learn all the historical, feminist, homophobic, etc., missteps Bradley made. And I’ll happily recommend some sporkings if you’re trying to avoid certain things.)

So let’s say you don’t want to write about any of that. Let’s say you’re wanting to write about trauma. Depending on what you write, you want to be careful not to romanticize certain things. I’m not going to lie. As someone who was sexually abused as a kid, that is the absolute minimum standard for me. I cannot stand to read massive swaths of the romance and YA genres simply because of the way the Broody, Threatening Love Interest™ is romanticized. And as with anything else, do your research and ask questions. (Incidentally, the National Novel Writing Month forums are great for inquiries like this). Above all, be respectful.

If you can find them, beta readers are always a good option, especially if you can find people who have experienced the things you’re writing about. Or if you just have a couple of questions, you can always anon someone on Tumblr. Yes, some people may blow you off, but some of them won’t, especially if you’re polite and can show that you’ve already put forth effort to research that matter. (And not even kidding, I would answer EVERY bigoted question about the people of Appalachia if I NEVER had to read another nursing paper talking about how we’re “too stupid” to breastfeed and “feed all our babies Mountain Dew” ever again.)

Now, as for this profiting off others business. Let’s say you write your story, and it does actually bring you profit. Then, you use your platform to promote the voices of people who do have those experiences, and you acknowledge the great debt that you owe that community for sharing their experiences with you. And you acknowledge the luck and privilege that got you where you are. Support people working in the same area! You wrote a novel about a man in a terribly abusive relationship, and it becomes a bestseller? Great! Use your spotlight to share resources for abuse victims. You wrote a novel about a young person transitioning, and it garnered some success? Fantastic! Why don’t you point people to that underappreciated transgender writer?

And sometimes? You’re going to make mistakes, and sometimes, being told that you’ve made mistakes will really hurt because you’ve worked so hard not to make them. I know. I’ve been there a couple of times. When I wrote DLU, I knew I could get some things right. I knew I could write about child abuse and being mistreated by someone you loved and still loving and fearing that person because I’ve been there. And I knew I could write about depression and loneliness and struggling to trust people because I’d been there. I could even say I knew a little bit about classism because I grew up dirt-poor in rural Appalachia, babysitting my brother since I was nine because both of my parents worked multiple jobs.

But I also knew that when I wanted to make Meta Knight a Hispanic man that I was opening myself up to criticism about race. And when I wanted to make Bandanna Dee a trans man, I knew I was opening myself up to criticism about transphobia. And I knew that when I wanted to make one of the primary villains a really racist, evil queen that I was treading on ground that I had no personal experience with. And we haven’t even gotten to Nightmare’s backstory, which basically features the first-hand colonization of Traumwald. So guess what? Sometimes, I’ve gotten it really right. And sometimes, I’ve really screwed it up and had people send me messages saying, ‘Sera, no.’

(And this is crucial; what I haven’t gotten is ‘don’t try to write this type of character.’ Generally, people like seeing different characters with different problems, and if you treat those characters and your readers with respect, your readers will treat you with respect).

But if you’re going to take any one thing away from this post, let it be this: do your best and learn to accept criticism with grace. Don’t let your fear of messing up keep you from ever trying. It is far better to try and write an experience, having approached it with respect and nuance, than it is not to. And sometimes, you will mess up, and that’s okay. You apologize, you learn, and you do better. I, personally, would rather see a writer fail, learn, and do better than to never try at all. Because that’s what writing is. It’s a process of continually working to improve yourself.

#...although I don't know why you're asking a degenerate like me #Sera tries Writing!#looking at some of the...recent YA scandals might also be helpful #but don't let them scare you away from trying to branch out

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foreignquarry · 4 years ago

Text

VOICE OVERS

DISCLAIMER:

unfortunately, due to storage limitations and glitches with my computer during the editing process, I lost a lot of the drafts and practice cuts that featured some experimentation. I’ll try to instead describe the different things I tried.

-- voice over --

third person narration -----

the sections of the film that involve third person narrative prose describing scenes at odds with what the viewer sees. initially, i used my own voice for this, in a sort of rough cut just to help with pacing. using this rough cut made me think that using my voice was not the right way forward, just because i wasnt personally happy with the performance i managed.

last year, i did a lot of experimentation with my voice and vocal performance. i developed different techniques to explore the unhuman aspects of communication, especially through a lens of technology. i used a piece of software called Lyrebird to generate a synthetic vocal avatar - an artificial intelligence trained to mimic my own voice. at the time, i used this to distance my physical self and parody my inability to express myself.

SADLY, this software was bought out by some company and is no longer accessible as it was, and no longer for free. it’s hidden behind the facade of this other, new software that im not familiar with and dont care to learn. there are other methods of vocal avatar generation that i may investigate, but this ruled out this option at this stage.

instead, i tried to use some generic text-to-speech programs to generate synthetic voices. i hoped that this would help add to the eeriness of the film, and the feeling of it being abandoned and devoid of humanity. i used a white-sounding male-sounding British-accented posh-sounding voice, to parody this sort of David Attenborough nature/museum documentary. of course, this sort of voice being a voice of God in film, through tradition, speaks to bigotries and patriarchal authoritarianism. like, we need white men to tell us what the things we are seeing are. this was something i was back-of-the-mind-conscious of at the time, but hadn’t fully questioned it. although it’s maybe a conceptually sound idea, it didn’t at all sound good, or right. with this automated voice in particular, the film was lacking a human quality, i felt. there are no humans visually present in the film, and there is a stark absence of humanity in the way the stories are reanimated from the stone. my human arm has been digitally removed, and the traces are all that remain.

the next thing i tried was a more intentional and intimate style of performance, modelled after the recent trend of ASMR videos.

Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR), sometimes auto sensory meridian response,[2][3][4] is a tingling sensation that typically begins on the scalp and moves down the back of the neck and upper spine. A pleasant form of paresthesia,[5] it has been compared with auditory-tactile synesthesia[6][7] and may overlap with frisson.

ASMR signifies the subjective experience of "low-grade euphoria" characterized by "a combination of positive feelings and a distinct static-like tingling sensation on the skin". It is most commonly triggered by specific auditory or visual stimuli, and less commonly by intentional attention control.[1][8] A genre of videos which intend to stimulate ASMR has emerged, of which over 13 million are published on YouTube.[9]

I’m interested in this form of vocal performance in the way it attempts to target and illicit a specific physical reaction. Ed Atkins has spoken about the way technology develops, seeks to conquer various physical senses, ie, IMAX cameras making screens too large for one person’s eyesight, or sound systems rattling bones. ASMR attempts to create euphoric physical feelings, comparable to orgasm. as such, there is a sort of unspoken sexual quality to a lot of these videos and to a lot of these vocal stylings. often, and indeed usually, the speakers or performers in these videos are attractive women.

in this episode of the podcast Reasonably Sound, Mike Rugnetta makes the comparison between this sort of work, and the sexist history of the female voice assistant, in early telecoms and switchboard operators, up to the present, female Siri or Google Home. there are, maybe unsuitable or offensive, connections to be made between this sort of outsourced female labour, the sexual qualities of ASMR, and sex work. but, i dont think it’s really my place to touch on it. there’s just some interesting dynamics around service and power in this form.

the episode can be found here:

http://reasonablysound.com/2014/10/02/whisper-quiet/

anyway, technically, this phenomena doesn’t really exist, scientifically. it does exist in the minds of people who watch this stuff. so, there’s a fun pseudo-science sort of thing here, that compels me too. like a sort of witchcraft to do with audio frequencies.

in this vocal performance, then, i tried to allow my voice to take on these ASMR qualities. i whispered the words into my microphone from a very close distance, to encourage uncomfortable mouth sounds, saliva pops, and microphone peaks. these sounds are ASMR triggers, but also betray the audio recording in a few ways. it’s uncomfortable for the viewer to hear mouth and body sounds so loudly. it reveals the work as an unprofessional one, working with what would be considered to be bad recording practices. it also brings qualities of a human body, and particularly gross qualities at that, to the film, lending it a subjective human presence.

i feel mixed about how this has worked overall. i think it totally creates the correct responses in a viewer, but there’s no denying that in being the Voice of God for this film, i am painting myself to be the God of this world. my narration, although at odds with what the viewer sees, speaks to my authorial power, and im not sure this is a power i want to be spoken about!! as a middle class, white man, i think i need to question more thoroughly what it means for me to give myself authority in this context...

this was something Dave Beech mentioned in our crits with him, recently.

this is all in my head as i continue to experiment with the narration and voice over in this film. i dont anticipate i will have brought this any further by the end of the project, but that’s ok. here is a video showing the current way my voice is sounding in this passages:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzgbVBFhvRc

first person stories ---

now, this is also complicated.

at the beginning of the project it felt very important to me that the stories would only appear visually, as text, and not as audio. in the writing i have gone to lengths to recreate, phonetically and visually, regional accents and period grammar. understanding my limited ability as a voice performer, i felt it would be gross and inappropriate for me to perform these texts myself. that it would be sort of equivalent to cultural appropriation, especially as im not actually from the South West (unless u go some ways back down the tree).

however, this being said, i ended up opting for a sort of version of a performance. i experimented with different styles of delivery, attempting accents and different styles of voice. i also experimented with isolating select frequencies. the OM frequency of the tuning fork is the one i chose to isolate, producing a distant-sounding voice that is hard to identify as mine:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hQDgEWFRIM&t=41s

for a necessarily female voice, however, this proved to be tricky. immediately in the crit, it seemed people could identify the recording as a poor attempt at an impression on my part, even though i thought i had done quite well with my shakespearean old woman impression. i ended up taking this audio and distorting it even further. the vocal inflections and sentence patterns are still identifiable, and when watching the text it is easy to follow along with the sound, but it is so distorted and modified i dont feel it can be traced back to me anymore. the femininity and the quality of the accent and the age of the caracter are all identifiable as well, i feel. over the course of this video the clip becomes more distorted, as if the stone tape is losing its fidelity on playback:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2A6jY-C1UA

i find this absolutely successful, especially on the speakers with which i listen to it. although as i continue working i might go back on this idea.

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ts-akhmim · 5 years ago

Text

Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy.

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me???

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?"

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon.

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott.

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward.

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew.

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We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

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Also...

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ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life.

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I��m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

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#BackWithVengeance

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pinkhoodiemark · 8 years ago

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70 QUESTIONS

tagged by @sho-ho-hownu ! [Ily more mutuals <33]

1. do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes. Sometimes it’s rough but you know everyone has that. I’m closer to my mom’s bf more than my actual father, but im just now getting reconnected with my actual dad and it’s going ok i guess

2. who did you last say “i love you” to? probably my mom? It was like she said “I love you” and I said “love you too” does that count.

3. do you regret anything? Yes. I cant think of anything specific but i just know that i do...

4. are you insecure? HA YEAH ALMOST ALWAYS WHEN IM OUT OF MY HOUSE.

5. what’s your relationship status? Single afff Ready to mingle (?)

6. how do you want to die? epically B) idk tbh tho

7. what did you last eat? Omurice. It’s like friedrice with ketchup with an omelette over it. It’s japanese idk how to explain it well lol

8. played any sports? Idid Ballet as a toddler (like until 5 years old). From 7-14 years old I did gymnastics and I was on the “Junior Olympics” team which i dont think means anything but it sounds cool

9. do you bite your nails? nahh. I never understood that really

10. when was your last physical fight? I’m lazy. Not a fighter. But i shoved this bitch in middleschool because she confronted me about me tlking shit about her talking shit about me??

11. do you like someone?

Other than those 7 dorks? Nope. Thank god

12. have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Yes. It was partytime

13. do you hate anyone at the moment? No, I try not to hate. Unless theyre asshole racists, sexist, and/or hateful themselves.

14. do you miss someone? Family in Japan <3

15. have any pets? a tool named Phichit (or Peaches) that is my Betafish. (stop i know it’s a Yuri On Ice name. I. Know...) . I know he only likes me for the food i give him. Rude.

16. how exactly are you feeling at the moment? okay. it was bad like 2 minutes ago because of an assignment but now im watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its funny af

17. ever made out in the bathroom? Had to think bout it for a sec but nope

18. are you scared of spiders? Not like SCARED but i’d rather not them be on me tho..

19. would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Without the butterfly effect happening? Then sure

20. where was the last place you snogged someone? I had to look up what this was omfg. Maybe like a year ago. I’ve been single for a whileeee.

21. what are your plans for this weekend? I’m meeting up with my dad to watch the last few episodes of walking dead on Saturday. Studying for my Japanese final.

22. do you want to have kids? how many? Kinda, At most 2. But Im like 19 years old so its weird to think about...

23. do you have piercings? how many? Nooo

24. what is/are/were your best subject(s)? was Math now probably none of them loll #artmajor

25. do you miss anyone from your past? not really? There’s this one guy that was fun to hang with and I liked him for a loooong time and i still think about him sometimes lolll DontDoThat

26. what are you craving right now? a good nights rest

27. have you ever broken someone’s heart? I mean ive broken up with people but i dont think I like shattered their heart. I’m not THAT important omg

28. have you ever been cheated on? Nope. Hopefully never will?

29. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yep, but he was mentally fucking craZY SO

30. what’s irritating you right now? Tumblr in incognito mode is slow af for some reason (I needed it to log in to my other tumblr without logging off this one)

31. does somebody love you? Family probably ha

32. what is your favourite color? Green

33. do you have trust issues? not really. I mean everyone should have some sort of trust issues. But i dont have severe trust issues.

34. who/what was your last dream about? I was listening to Departure album when I fell asleep, so I dreamt i was at a got7 concert lmao

35. who was the last person you cried in front of? I dont cry a lot tbh. So i dont remember. When I do cry I dont like people seeing.

36. do you give out second chances too easily? HA NOPE. They gotta work for a second chance

37. is it easier to forgive or forget? Depends. If it’s not that big of a deal then forget. I hate confrontation but i need an apology if its something bigger.

38. is this year the best year of your life? Noooooooooo, but we’re only like a quarter through so it could change. But im not too hopeful about those chances tbh

39. how old were you when you had your first kiss? kiss that didnt matter (pocky/pepero game lol): 14 Kiss that mattered: 16

40. have you ever walked outside completely naked? wtf no.

51. favourite food? Too many to narrow down to one but i crave toast a lot

52. do you believe everything happens for a reason? yeah, I’d like to think so.

53. what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Watched a horrible movie

54. is cheating ever okay? Who would think it is??? Even as “revenge” that’s low

55. are you mean? Dude, I’m a bitch tbh...

56. how many people have you fist fought? 1

57. do you believe in true love? i guess. If I didn’t then what would be the point of relationships?

58. favourite weather? Suns hot but cool breeze or light rain

59. do you like the snow? Yeah, but i could go without it...

60. do you wanna get married? Eh.

61. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? I’d cringe.

62. what makes you happy? dogs, cats, other peoples genuine smiles, got7

63. would you change your name? I like my name

64. would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? Who was the last person i kissed? So probably no...

65. your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Assuming im not interested. Id just ignore it. If he confesses Id be like sorry bro.

66. do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? I did. But he’s kind of out of my circle now that college started.

67. who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? Mom’s boyf. Jose. He’s cool. Been in most of my life so not like a random Mom boyf

68. who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? My sister. We were talking about why people just constantly feel the need to hate. Even if it’s something like (for example) “I HATE One Direction” Like do you honestly “hate” one direction. Or did you see that other people “hates” one direction so you said that. Like what did One Direction do for you to just HATE them... Like I dont like them or dislike them but I could never say that i HATE them. I dont even know them... anyway that discussion gets me heated

69. do you believe in soulmates? Kinda

70. is there anyone you would die for? Yeah. Like family and junk

Tagging @peachyjyp @husbandsjjp @soulmatesjjp @got7arrived @ult2jae ya dont gotta

#this took me a while lol #thanks for tagging me #my pretty mutual #<3 #tag game #not7

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katakiiysm · 8 years ago

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Steven Universe Season 4 (RANT)

I don’t post very often on tumblr but i really needed to get this off my chest im genuinely really angry about this.

So i have been watching Steven Universe since the early season 1 days. So i have been around long enough to see the writing go through changes, characters, stories, writers, etc etc. One of the first things that bothered me was the idea of Steven becoming more love-y than how ready he was to fight in Jailbreak but i just took it as him trying to be more like Rose in a way, as the story had been so good so far i wasn’t going to question the writers too much. Yet as we neared season 4, i felt like the writing seemed to get lazier and lazier. And it ended up with us getting basically an entire season of filler. At first it was fine sure, the filler was actually kind of a nice break after the huge Steven Month back in June/August 2016, full of all these reveals and angst. But it at one point just became disgusting to watch. No one would have thought there would be so much filler in a single season, hell even season 1 didn’t have this much in it. It was just frustrating after a while. it became boring and a pain to watch, no one even cared if it was on hiatus or not anymore and the ratings seemed to drop. Yet the fandom, including me and a few of my friends, kept to the hope that we would get something, something everyone had waited for since the leaks for season 4 had risen: gem harvest. Everyone clearly thought it was going to be about how Peridot in the episode where she was unbubbled, saw their room full of bubbled corrupted, shattered, and normal gems, kept within the room. She says in fear, ‘’You ARE GOING TO HARVEST ME?!’’ (something along those lines) so of course everyone was excited as hell for this episode. Finally no more filler, we get story again! No. we got a racist uncle that was in one of the worst episodes in maybe the entire series. He took up a half an hour special, and he was redeemed! with Steven’s loving and peace made his heart melt and made him slightly less sexist and an asshole- its fine! People eventually got over it, we had a few more boring episodes, one with Steven and his family talking about his first winter...it was alright. But then. Came the January-Steven-bomb, which was sadly leaked: But it was something people most definitely needed to get back into the series. Yet, it was just alright. We got little to no answers, besides a few tid bits from the diamonds. Blue diamond was suddenly trying to be redeemed after being shown as a homophobic dictator in the answer. Who also still to this day owns slaves. Yellow diamond was actually pretty interesting but we got almost nothing on her sadly. I was still pretty happy to get...something after an entire season of filler. Most of the writing seemed kinda rushed and a little boring, but the thing that truly infuriated me was how the gems didn’t seem to care AT ALL that Greg had gotten taken. All that bonding we had the gems go through with Greg in the previous season was just thrown out the window- and they made it almost look like it was Steven’s fault! Yet again. I didn’t look too much into it. I love this show and have so much hope for the interesting story they are building up to; even though they keep adding more and more mysteries (a problem this show has had for a long time honestly) but this newest episode, Storm in the Room, just. i’ve had it. I loved the pacing in the beginning, showing how Connie and her mother were so close, something Steven could never get to feel or understand. It was really well done i truly enjoyed it. but then we got to the meat of the episode, the leaks people had seen with Rose. We had a few uncomfortable scenes with Rose and Steven doing things parents do, kind of unneeded to us, but something Steven needed to cope. Then Steven realizes, after having all this fun with basically his own made up imagination of Rose: she isn’t real. Something the audience knows sure but, he got so caught up and in love with the idea of having a mom he seemed to forget the reality he was living. He eventually lost it on her, and this is where i got very angry with the episode. At this point its just Steven yelling at himself, yelling at his own problems, something we already have seen and something Steven has already talked about and dealt with- it was unsatisfying. Seeing Rose made everyone excited but i feel it blinded most of the audience to what the real problems were. How Steven said Bismuth shattered gems, when she never actually did (we don’t really know but not with the breaking point) she only said she was going to shatter the diamonds and higher up gems, which was what just beat it in that the writers had to make her look unlikable and almost like a villain just to make Rose still seem good. Bismuth was a character that, if we kept her we could’ve fixed quite a few problems with this season most likely. All these answers Steven is trying to find could be found directly from her, a close friend of Rose and someone who was there during the war. Willing to give him answers because she knows he isn’t like Rose. Yet that isn’t at all what we got. Instead of getting a previous crystal gem, one who was actually important and interesting- we got toned down no longer story driven or character driven: Peridot and Lapis. Yes this rant is all over the place but i’m just. exploring a lot of ideas at once i needed to get out. Both Lapis and Peridot got a lot of potential. Lapis was actually a really good character at first. She didn’t name herself a crystal gem, as they had imprisoned her and she was still holding a grudge- AND THAT IS INTERESTING! We Needed a character like this! One who wasn’t willing to just forgive people on the spot! Like all these redeemed characters- it was refreshing!! Yet only a few episodes into season 4, she and Peridot are best buddies and are the comedic reliefs and own a farm and Lapis in the last episode even is fine with impersonating the other crystal gems. It just..seems so rushed and out of nowhere. Its as though all her character progression happened off screen and its infuriating to watch these two go down the drain. Peridot didn’t have as much to her sure, but she was still scared and kind of uncomfortable with the gems- and when Lapis came in it seemed like she had a purpose, to keep Lapis happy and safe. It was kind of sweet almost. You could tell she enjoyed making people happy and that was a good example of Steven’s peace being a good thing. Yet Lapis never got the progression Peridot did. Both of their stories were just thrown down the drain and became just two more characters on the back burner. Such as Jasper and Centipeedle and the diamonds and hell Bismuth! We have all these stories ready to be revisited but the crew keeps adding in more and more and its not even interesting anymore. Just. Eugh. Anyway back to Storm in the Room- After the mention of Bismuth and a few other things that are genuinely justified- His personification of Rose along the lines of ‘’Yes but remember that tape i made like 4000 episodes ago’’ and Steven just. ‘’yeah alright i forgive you’’ LIKE WHAT. NO. WHW AT. ITS JUST TERRIBLE WRITING. Steven goes back to the main room of the temple and everything is fine again, he doesn’t even mention the coping he went through to the gems, it just seemed like such an unneeded episode and almost clickbait to the fans. He goes in for answers, comes out with nothing, and is fine with it. They could’ve covered it so much better but decided to do such a lazy written episode with Rose and Steven meeting each other, something the fans wanted forever and for me? it didn’t live up to any expectations i could’ve wanted. We saw again but in a boring way how Steven feels about his mother. Again, something we’ve seen before and something we didn’t need to see again just to have another episode that was ‘story driven’ Don’t even start with me that Steven got character development. If we didn’t have that episode, nothing would’ve changed. He still feels the same about his mom, we learned nothing, and we still haven’t had any plot progression for 3 episodes already. I’m just. so upset about this. This is just my opinion, its a rant, but god this season has just been at the shows worst for me.

#suspoilers

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dawnowar · 7 years ago

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Rambling about racist uncles and HBO and my glasses.

and my foot, which i broke like over 3 yrs ago which they told me probably wont ever be right again and it took like 2 yrs but then it pretty much was so I was busy carrying on a normal active life when it swelled up again a couple weeks ago.

Not a big deal, I’ve been through this before and I know what to do but this time I don’t want to slow down and elevate it and spend a lot of time in a heating pad. Dammit.

I was VERY active the whole week it finally swelled up. From doing several workouts daily to going out nightly to rock and roll mosh pits and literally standing around for hours every day when it finally revolted. I’ve been not babying it enough and its not getting better so this week I decided to take some time. I have time this week. My work schedule is literally half normal this week. Coincidentally.

So i got HBO this month and decided to get myself engrossed in The Leftovers, which I don’t know anything about except that I’m sure to love it by the reactions of podcasters I trust. Just finished Ep 1 and so far Im excited. Also ive been off my foot which is elevated and in a heating pad for over an hour. Which is probably the most time off its had since before it swelled up.

I havent’ had to deal w/my foot swelling in probably over a year now and I really thought I was good to go forever. But I guess not. Still i think I was active beyond the demands of most average people when it happened so I’m gonna nurse it back to normal and probably/hopefully have another good year or so before it happens again.

I’ve been making the mistake of arguing w people on facebook. Cause I’m tired of all these fucking racist uncles I seem to have. How is every rocker dude my age that grew up with me doing the same shit I did suddenly turned into My Trump supporting racist uncle?

No wonder I’ve not been in a hurry to date lately.

I’ve not been in any hurry to do anything lately. The shows are mostly crappy. Stoner rock or Black Metal. Thats all the choices. Stoners are boring af and Black Metal has a Nazi problem. These shows just arent fun for me anymore. May as well save my money and buy more glasses.

Thats my #1 hobby right now. I have a pair currently lost in the post office system somewhere. They can’t tell me when but they say it’ll probably arrive one day. I told myself id stop buying glasses till i get this pair, since they *should* be a pair I can see everything in and that matches what my other pair doesn’t. That *should* be enough pairs. But here i am waiting perpetually for what may or may not be the last pair I need.

While I hold myself back from ordering more. Because I don’t have that pair and I need one more pair. and it may never come. I don’t know.... Maybe i should just order another pair.

Anyway. Fuck all these racist uncles on fb. Theyre all getting the big boot. Thought i got rid of most of them but it turns out theres still racist uncles on my friends list. Now and again they surface.

Today on a thread about how “Obama was the most corrupt president ever” I was told what a joke my political opinions are.... said something like old white dudes acting like racists uncles talking amongst themselves does not make fiction true.

Actually i think i said something like youll all die one day and your opinions will die with you. Cause im convinced all the kids in america are all openly bisexual and in mixed-race relationships. I’ve just really had enough of old white dudes telling me Fox News is the only one that “tells it like it is” and I’ve decided I’m not putting up with any of this shit to keep peace anymore and I don’t care what bridges get burned in the process.

It’s not worth it to me. I don’t need any more Racist Uncles. Its been a process for me... how im gonna deal with these people in my life who have differing politics. I started out just not discussing news with them. But what happened was i didnt notice they were turning more racist/sexist/etcist daily until years later when I’m HORRIFIED to see the things they say.

Were these people like this always and I didn’t notice or did they just get this way recently? So i made peace with it for the last year or so I think basically by telling myself yeah well.. everyone has racist uncles... me too i guess even though they arent actual family.

But now, a year later.. im like.. i dont need any racist uncles. I’m good. Fuck these assholes. Burning that bridge.

Maybe I’ll order another pair of glasses anyway.

Or maybe Ill just watch another episode of The Leftovers.

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dajoezenone · 7 years ago

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Remember when I did Reviews and posted them here?

DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL AIRED AND IM POSTING THOUGHTS HERE. LETS GOO

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT, YA HEAR? DONT READ THIS IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED TWICE UPON A TIME YET. DONT BE STUPID. Im serious.

I feel like Moffat wasted this idea. He had this great setup to do an episode about how the show has changed, and questioning if thats a good or a bad thing, but this was ultimately not that.

Sure, there are a few jokes about how the Doctor has changed, and in the end we see the seeds of the older Doctor in the younger one, but ultimately that isn’t the focus. Which is kind of weird because, again, I feel like using this idea on a story that ISNT about that is a waste.

But Im getting ahead of myself.

It starts out by showing us scenes from the episode where Bill Hartnell’s doctor regenerates, and then cuts off, leading into where the previous episode ended. There’s some text narration that I dont like because it is 1- unnecessary and B- weird? When has the show ever done this? Why was it so obviously something done in post? And if it was written in, why’d they make it look like a last minute decision done in post?

Anyways, the two Doctors themselves are both great. Or at least, the Actors are really great. They’re not written very impressively. This is not Moffat at his best. Which is a shame, because I loved the Moffat era and Im sad that it feels like the man himself was phoning it in at the end.

After the theme tune, we’re introduced to Mark Gatiss’s character, who is a WWI soldier, moments before his death. Time is frozen all around him, and then he’s transported to where the two Doctors are.

His character isn’t bad. I didn’t mind him while I was watching, but looking back on the episode he was mostly there to serve the plot, which was ultimately pointless. So he does kinda bug me. Anyways they all go into the TARDIS. Theres some jokes about the secret alchohol stache we saw a few Christmases ago which is fine. Some humor about the guitar, which I dont like. A Couple of the Doctors have played musical instruments. Having a personality trait thats consistent across Doctors be insulted by the original Doctor makes very little sense in my mind. And Capaldi is embarrassed of it? Capaldi’s Doctor is many things but embarrassed of one of the things that is legitimately cool? Weird conversation imo.

Oh and here we’re reintroduced to the fact that First Doctor was a bit sexist. Which, fine. He kinda was. Its an area where the Doctor has changed with the times. Except that its implied in other Capaldi episodes that Time Lord society just is actually more progressive bc they can change from male to female with a simple regeneration. This is why I feel like this was such a waste of potential. A trait that they implicitly retconned to not have changed over time is one of the main differences between the two that they focus on. Why? Nothing interesting is really learned there. It just lets Moffat virtue signal which is unnecessary.

Back to the plot, the TARDIS is captured by “The Dead” who dont explain whats going on, which is dumb of them, but offer to trade soldier Gatiss for Bill Potts, who is apparently among the dead. Nice. So glad they brought back a character whose arc ended with her getting a happy ending in order to show that it didn’t last long and that when they brought her back for an episode, it was for a plot related gimmick and she cant stay on the show still. I know they weren’t going to, but it still annoys me. I was ready for more Bill. I love Bill and this felt like a tease. Speaking of which, they let you think it really is Bill. Its not like in Day of the Doctor where you know that isn’t Rose the whole time. No, they let you think it maybe really is Bill. Why?

After some banter, the four of them escape the glass dead people. Or, person. Who looks very fake and not very intimidating. Which makes sense considering SPOILER ALERT the glass dead person isn’t evil. She’s not evil at all. She’s the main antagonist and in the end of the episode the Doctor’s basically just like “Wow OK well thats fine keep doing what you’re doing”. Nothing really even comes of it. Its all just padding and setup for the episode to end in the way that we all know it will.

Getting ahead of myself again. They spend some time on some Dalek controlled planet, where Rusty (The good Dalek that Doctor and Clara went inside back in season 8) sits in a tower and shoots at other Daleks all day. Rusty is old and cranky now. I guess. Actually he’s basically just a regular Dalek actually. But he will help the Doctor bc the Doctor convinces him it’ll hurt other Daleks. But actually all it does is reveal the twist I spoiled for you.

That said the main point was to give the characters a backdrop other than the old TARDIS set while they interact. We get some stuff with not-Bill and the Doctor which is pretty good. Some stuff with not-Bill and Gatiss which is actually really really good. And some stuff with the two Doctors which was... fine? Again, my main problem with the episode was that the two of them could have been used so much better but they simply aren’t. The two actors are phenominal, but I just dont buy Moffat’s writing in this episode. Give them intersting stuff to say, geez. Its all just kind of... what you’d expect.

Then we get the ending, which is again just nothing really unexpected. Doctor Capaldi changed stuff around so that when they unfroze time, it was right before the Christmas Armistice of 1914. Which is weird bc its like simultaneously showing that the world needs the Doctor to save people like Gatiss, but also showing that regular people, even soldiers in the midst of war, can be kind. Its a confusing message that tries to have its cake and eat it too. So see? This isn’t just me being upset that they didn’t focus on the stuff I would have. Its also me being upset with how they handled what they did choose to focus on.

Capaldi’s last scenes, saying goodbye to the Testimony versions of his companions, and his last monologue, are as great as I could have wanted them to be. Both drag on for a bit and had some stuff that could have been left on the cutting room floor and we never would have missed it. Its very obvious that Jenna Coleman wasn’t able to be there on set with the other companions Capaldi says goodbye to. And the Doctor rambles a bit in his monologue about children being allowed to know his name, which isn’t very coherent. I guess that was the point. We’re not supposed to understand. But still. Cut that then.

Then finally, Jodie Whitaker's first scene. Which is fine. Way too similar to Matt Smith’s first scene but with so much less dialogue. All she says is something like “Aw Brilliant!” which is instantly Doctor-ish. She’s great I love her. And then she stumbles around the exploding TARDIS set a bit before falling out of the ship entirely. Which again just makes me think of End of Time / Eleventh Hour. Like, I’ve seen this before but the character was given so much more room to breathe. As I’ve said before, its not the female Doctor Im worried about, its Chris Chibnall not giving her anything interesting to do. This doesn’t change that at all.

Small notes I didn’t know where else to put:

-I swear Capaldi gets emotional for a brief instant when First Doctor mentions Polly. Could be my imagination though since its not indicated at all by the dialogue he says. -Gatiss getting sad when he’s told he’s from “World War I” is a nice touch. They really believed that their’s was the war to end all wars, the idea that humanity would do it again was so unthinkable and its depressing. -I could be wrong but I dont think we’ve seen the date the Testimony was from before in Doctor Who, which is interesting because usually future humans with time travel tech coming back are usually from a specific time period in Moffat episodes. Weird that he didn’t stick to that in his last romp. -Rusty was kinda broken when the Doctor first found him. Howd he live for, what did the Doctor say? Thousands of years? MOFFAT JUST BC WE DIDNT SEE A CHARACTER DIE DOESNT MEAN THEY LIVE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS DANGIT. Also why was Rusty never a contender for the fulfillment of the Hybrid Prophecy if he lived that long?

All in all, not the worst Moffat story, but far from his best. The message and point are obscured to the point of meaninglessness, but the emotion and characters are there, just not in as strong a force as they should be. :(

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declassroomedteach-blog · 7 years ago

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Jailhouse Salvation 101

(word count approx 1570)

By Gina Fournier

The Merchant-Ivory movie adaptation of E. M. Forster’s A Room with a View features a poignant scene following a street fight that ends in murder. Lucy (Helen Bonham Carter) comments that you witness something memorable and think you’ll never be the same, but then you forget and return to your old self. I hope to do a better job holding onto my jailhouse conversion, from skeptical to convinced about the existence of God.

Disclaimer: My conviction has wavered intensely even before I finished editing this essay.

Thanks to my former employer and its bad actors, an institution I’ll call Land of Motown Community College, where I served as an English teacher, I’ve seen the best and the worst of pure Michigan humanity. If God created humans, God sure must have a sense of humor.

Even a smattering of details from my story sound like a rollercoaster Lifetime movie no one wants to watch. Since 2012, I’ve been sexist witch-hunted through an ongoing living nightmare that has included hack shrinks, illegal and involuntary lock up in a Catholic mental health ward and now incarceration for thirty-four days in a mid-Michigan county jail for a crime I did not commit. College administrators, union teachers, dirty cops, dirty doctors, dirty nuns and dirty priests, plus the state’s top most government officials, have participated in the protection of white collar criminals and encouraged my simultaneous downfall. All this for me, so one man can prove his power over unions near union ground zero.

The U.S. Constitution’s first amendment makes clear that government is not to establish any official religion, not protect any particular religion from existing laws. Perhaps the founding fathers could foresee the distant future. Nearly two hundred fifty years later, a female citizen has found cause to invert the phrase “God bless you” with blasphemy, attempting to redress grievances.

I’ve never met the emergency room doctor who signed me into a Catholic looney bin for a week. To my horror, I was held in a Catholic Siberia, it turns out, on campus with my all girl Catholic high school. I was raised and violated by the same church, which now pretends it’s never met me. Thirty five years ago, for Halloween, classmates mimicked the Robert Redford movie Brubaker to stage a failed, backboneless prison break. These classmates, who have also turned away from my plight, dressed not in hospital gowns or orange as the new black, but plaid skirts and knee socks adorned temporarily with stripes. (Good girls, we stopped mock rioting when the nuns glared.)

Unfortunately, there is no law or principle governing the intersection of religion and families. In my time of need, even my immediate and extended family has turned away, exponentially multiplying my distress. My extended Catholic family has not advocated for me, though it would cost nothing except some skin. The anger caused by this and so many betrayals envelops like nuclear explosion.

However, I realized something on day thirty-three of my lock up in the big house. Because the ties between families and religion tend to act like strangleholds, my estranged Catholic mother is incapable of doing the one thing I want and need her most to do: to demand that Livonia Catholics honestly investigate me claims. Because of my new found belief, I forgive my aging mother. She’s only human and doing the best she can. (Unfortunately, the damage done feels irreparable. Forgiveness does not mean I can tolerate her presence.)

Through five solid years of loss, I have been cornered mentally and financially into a nearly impossible position. But the kindest of strangers have helped me to survive. Downstate, nice generous neighbors responded to my cries for help by giving. Up north, the same. People have given money, food, house wares, helpful supplies such as wood, shoes, warm clothes, plus their time and honest well wishes. I wish I would have kept better track of the names and faces of the many regular people who have been so kind, forming a lifeline, keeping me alive.

My fighting spirit has kept better track of my transgressors, including Fox News Detroit, which ran a sexist hack piece in 2015 cutting together footage I asked them not to shoot in order to make me look looser than loopy. In search of more positive and helpful press, my creative and liberal mind encouraged me to tag my own, downstate old-ring suburban home with a metaphoric phrase that offended and confused. “A religious figure criminally violated me!” Only my version was Twitter-short. Basic sentence: subject, verb, object.

Passersby assumed I was nutz. I’m not. Unfortunately, the human resources’ labor attorney and architect of my nightmare is smart enough to know that once a crone-aged female is labeled crazy dangerous, most people won’t bother to parse the facts. Just ask Hillary. Voters elected a man without ethics, unwilling to practice stability, a sexual harasser, eager to “lock her up!”

I recreated my civil rights protest up north at a lake named after the largest city in New Brunswick. Maybe I watched too many episodes of Little House on the Prairie, after numerous rereadings of the Laura Ingalls Wilder books. In middle age, without an income, I’ve been forced to gather wood and water for two years, for two winters, with a third approaching, in order to survive in my dead husband’s summer cabin, which is facing tax forfeiture, and soon. In both iterations, I repainted my eye-catching sacrilegious phrase with “Act Peace.” I’m not a bad person, or dangerous, or interested in spreading evil. But Fox News Detroit has been not interested in my actual story.

While I was incarcerated, nasty locals ran down my mailbox to which my sign “Act Peace” was nailed, and then took the sign. Two paintings espousing the Statue of Liberty have been stolen. My sign about the connection between the dirty cop who put me in jail and Land of Motown Community College was stolen, I’d guess by the dirty cop. My cries for “help!” with needed justice have been ignored. Instead, community officials at this private lake community have bent the law with the help of dirty local county officials, who may try to re-arrest me over the care of my feces. Yes, you read correctly. My troubles continue. Danger surrounds. This is not a pretty story.

(FYI. Please believe me. I’m still be getting my proverbial shit together, but I’ve always I properly and responsibly discarded my poop.)

Something wicked this way came, and stayed, but I pray to harness goodness and finally slay the beast on my back. I’ve been falsely accused of being suicidal and a danger to society within a country that has grown accustomed to men mass murdering and sexual harassing. I know the pain of mental illness in the form of mental torture, so I feel very sympathetic to those, especially military veterans, who suffer from PTSD. Mental pain is real. And can be excruciating. I realize no matter my idiosyncratic tendencies, finally winning a measure of justice will require the help of other people, and, well, by any name, I guess God. I know that God may not intercede with my legal and financial problems but belief in a higher power does help with gratefulness and tranquility.

In jail, every day is a good day to die. However, the smallest graces save a tattered soul and help a person carry on to the next long minute. I want to thank the two women who ran Bible study every Tuesday. Yes, you read correctly. Unbeknownst to them, they gave me gold for a writer without means: a composition notebook, on my 54th birthday, which was an otherwise desolate milestone. Moreover, these women of God showed me a respectable and inspirational version of Christianity.

On cable tv, my cellmates preferred back-to-back episodes of Cops, shows about zombies, the shallow high jinks of Jerry Springer, endless sci-fi. (I prefer comedy and drama.) The day I was eventually sprung from the slammer, my legal troubles abated but not erased, Unsolved Mysteries ran a segment on St. Pio, an Italian priest who was said to develop stigmata and miraculously heal. Angered, under stress, I admit I acted out loudly like an ass (even by jail standards): “I hope they roast his nuts!”

Many jail birds claim to accept Jesus as their savior, though none gave up their bottom bunk for the pregnant woman in our ranks. Critically, I recognized around me the kind of souls who would have rejected Mary and Joseph. But I was forced to realize this was not a television segment that was going to uncover more Catholic dirt. Although St. Pio may have self-inflicted his wounds, trapped in a county cell block, I dropped my bad attitude and truly felt in my body an undeniable wave of love.

No surprise, in the short time since my release on PR bond, my nascent jailhouse conversion has been tested and wavered, fallen apart, and needing rebuilding. Im not a saint. My days are terrifying and unresolved. But. If I breathe calmly and deeply, and repeat my affirmations, what some call prayers, I recognize a connection between hope and light.

House of Hope in Hersey, Michigan, offered me a composition notebook. Any additional help readers may offer with legal defense, plumbing, back taxes, transportation, work or grace are appreciated. Thank you.

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