#im super bitter today but i have no expectations for the movies

[jorrated]

i have everything in me to be a sonic movie hater, but i think my expectations were simply too low to even evoke emotions in me like anger

[hwajin]

disclaimers: this is f!reader angst, expect nothing from me i have bad grammar and im mentally drained. tnx -lorelei/🥟

* minho made an update as i was writing.

心做し (224) ft. 이민호

day 1

to say the least, you were annoyed. too annoyed at the fact you couldn't concentrate in the first day of class. "you should really talk it out with him." jeongin said at you with a concerned look. "i'm not angry i just, hate being second all the time. c'mon ayen, you know that since the first day we became friends."

you were once y/n, the transferee girl. you sat beside jeongin on your first day, who thought you looked cute on your first day.

coincidentally, you liked his friend. a senior who was named minho. assuring to yourself and jeongin that it was nothing more than a crush was the hardest part. being drunk at a party and confessing to him had become what you quote "the best thing i've ever did".

after class ended, you decided to stick with jeongin who became class president and now is tasked to clean the classroom. why were you there? you really trusted him, a lot and as a friend.

"hyung!" jeongin called out to your supposed boyfriend who was walking toward your classroom.

"y/n-ah, bubs, cutie" he said, ignoring the male and rushing to give you a warm hug. "if you feel less, remember i love you so much. today tomorrow forever, remember?" he told you and you just stood there, uncertain how to react.

"y/n you should go home, i'll be waiting for seungmin too." jeongin said with a warm smile, looking at your annoyed face that contrasts minho's neutral face.

for some reason, you and minho walked home not even talking. "i'm-" "please dont remind me again." you coldly said. "i'll make it up to you. iced coffee?" he asked as you shrugged, thinking of your answer but your heart said yes after a second he asked the question.

"i'm super sorry i've been insecure." you muttered while intertwining both your arms. "no big deal. remember that she's a friend." he said as he rubbed your fingers.

you've never really been anyone's first choice, in middle school you never really had a permanent set of friends that treated you like a friend. you were always rejected and your parents never really cared for you as much as other parents do. you knew you grew up quickly, and you're trying to fix yourself as much as you can.

"oh look, the theme park is open today." he said, pointing outside to the moving ferris wheel. "come on, we are fixing the blue, making it color yellow." he said while dragging you outside the coffee shop as you silently drink your coffee.

he put your bangs down slightly, smiling at what he did and ruffles your hair softly. "my y/n is so cute. she's pretty, nice and she is the first person in my mind. "

"minho?" there she was, the girl you hate the most. minho's first love. his family loves her that sometimes you get compared to her. you knew of her existence, unsure if she knew yours though. "ah this must be your new girlfriend!"

noticing your uneasy gazes, minho spoke up. "hi, yeah and we're leaving." he said. "i really don't know where the entrance is, can i come with you? i'm meeting up with my friends." she pouted as you nodded.

"yeah, you're y/n, super cute. minho and you were together since last year? congrats!" she asked and minho was the one to answer. "yeah, here's the entrance to the theme park." he scoffed and held your hand tighter while you walked towards the ferris wheel.

day 2

the next day, you had to bring it up to jeongin and seungmin, people you trusted the most. "yeah its kinda like in a teasing way, i absolutely hate it. its like she wants to punch me in the face and move me out of her way!"

"oh my god, never be a punch bag you can move around." jeongin said. "i'm not a punchbag!" you said in an enthusiasic tone "Y/N ISNT A PUNCHBAG." seungmin accidentally said too loudly, causing the librarian to look and he bowed his head to say sorry. "my bad." he said and the three of you laughed quietly.

day 94

and, you knew it was coming.

after months, she always found a way to be closer to him. after all, she did know him better. while losing time for you, he remembered all the points on why she was his first love after all.

"minho... please dont hurt me anymore mentally. if you want to break up with me, im sorry. i dont know. i just feel too conflicted. i... hate this so much. i want to die. " was the first words you said as he opened up to your door. "i love you y/n." "its always i love you y/n, i love you y/n, fuck do you even mean them?! words aint enough, atleast spend some time with me. i... absolutely hate this."

collapsing to his arms, he felt his tears rushing down his cheeks. "i never knew you felt like that." he said as he caressed your hair. "now you know." you said, as he kissed your tears away. "can we move somewhere else?" he asked, talking about the awkward position you have on the doorway that made you smile.

day 156

"wow, it's snowing!" you said as you tugged minho's arm. "babe, please pay attention to me." you say to your boyfriend over and over again, who has been focusing on his project. you knew it was hard for him, but it was a sunday. and it was a group project. "you done your part yesterday-" "let me finish this first." he said with a scary tone, realizing what he said he decided to let it be for a few moments.

why am i being like this? he asked himself, looking at his girlfriend. his girlfriend, he reminded himself. perhaps he forgot? is his first love comig back to his life?

day 183

"and... thats what i knew. " you said over and over again. "y/n..." "stop messing around with me! you knew i couldve told hwang hyunjin from class c that! i couldve told your friend jisung, i had a crush on them too, but i chose you, and i never regretted it for, one and a half year. you dont even remember our anniversary? could you just ever..." you said, walking away.

"but i wasn't your first choice either." he spit out, and that made you get very angry. "what about now? who is your first choice now, my first choice now would be you. after that day i confessed it became you, i didnt even force myself to. it was because, you were minho i loved. can i... get him back. but fuck no, you played me." you said, and he breathed in and out.

after hours of silence, you left your phone, he noticed. opening the chats and backreading everything, that was the time where indeed he was wrong, he was wrong in all aspects. he never says sorry, its always her. and his phone rang, it was the girl again. he felt a jolt in his heart reading her name, butterflies in his stomach, but he knew there was y/n.

"ah fuck, this is all my fault."

day 192

a week or so since you havent gone to school, thats when you realized your mom cared and told you advice, went online shopping with you. its just that you always view everything negatively.

"someone wants to see you." she said, you hoped it was minho who would tell you sorry.

"y/n... its jeongin and seungmin. i have notes here compiled, even though im from another class. jeongin has english here, are you fine? " they asked while you explained everything.

day 194

deciding to go to school although minho was there was a bad thing. the day consisted of you being mentally unstable, and that wasnt the cherry on top.

"why are you here?" you said once you went out the school campus. "because, i want to. iced coffee?" again, blindly saying yes.

day 200

if you love her, dont be nice anymore. chanted in your head, but cant be said.

" why are you so nice, i know you've fallen out of love. " and he smiled as he looked again at the movie.

"minho. please, give me closure. stop being nice. treat me like a servant. swear at me. tell me im a bitch, whore, i dont know degrade me! please leave my heart alone, i cant cry anymore."

and so he thought for a moment, i cant do that.

day 210

holding you close again while you violently react, he caressed your face softly. tracing each feature and wiping your tears.

screaming, crying, like the storm. but he still held you up, like how he does to you everytime. "it's fine now."

day 224

"if i had a hole in my heart, how do i fix it?" she asked him, the man who she hasnt talked to in 2 weeks. "you've known what it is." he replied subtly.

"its not today tomorrow forever anymore huh. two day, two morrow and four ever. and its feb 24. fucking want to collapse or you just hit me and degrade me like what i said." and you watched him shake his head. "you cant split a heart into two and think it would still work, cant you?"

"but, you can break one into pieces and then they'd pretend its fine." she says with a bitter smile. "please be happy." and those words, those simple words were the confirmation. it was such a bitersweet love, everyone finds their way out of this somehow.

oof wait a minute i gotta read this later I DON'T HAVE TIME RN BUT EVERYONE GO READ

[starrywriting]

imagination

an: heres some bby peter fluff that i wrote in attempts to get out of my midnight funk(i feel like it isn’t my best work but i guess thats for you guys to figure out) gif aint mine, also im working on requests but feel free to send some in!!

warnings: wittle bit of angst, fluff, peter being a fluff ball

words: 1,623 oops

summary: peter’s cheeks darken, his heart rate quickens and his voice fails him, but only when he’s around her. only problem is, he’s her best friend.

Your name: submit What is this?

“I don’t like her!” He groaned again, his face in his hands as he felt his appetite slowly slip from his feeble grasp, along with the sandwich in his hand. You were something Peter held close, both metaphorically and physically. He loved you, no doubt about it, but that also made him feel queasy inside. How was he supposed to bring up to his life long best friend that he had fallen for her, hard…

“Uhh.. yes you do..” Ned laughed, his tongue sticking out from his between his lips as he concentrated on placing the last lego onto of the new Star Wars set he had purchased. “Why are you pushing your feelings away so much? (y/n)’s cool, smart, pretty, amazing, beautiful, literally the most amazing person in school… she’s also super sweet, giving, did i say bea-”

“Alright Ned, I get it…” Peter mumbled through the cracks of his hands, his breaths becoming jagged, “(y/n) is the most amazing person I’ve ever met.. I’m not enough for her Ned! I have to keep my lips sealed! I don’t want to ruin what I have with her…” He said, his voice breaking off slightly as he noticed Ned’s attention completely leaving his distraught self to focus back on the legos scattered around him. “Even if it kills me.” He frowned.

+

Peter opened the door quietly. The smell filling him up to the brim, making his aching heart feel, even the smallest bit better. The scent of lilacs, soap and cinnamon surrounded him in a soft blanket; your scent surround him like a soft blanket. He looked down at his chest, expecting to see red, blue and black, but instead seeing a bloody New York tourist shirt, he broke down. His eyes prickling with painful tears that leaked down his cheeks along with his guilt and helplessness. “(y/n)…” Peter croaked out, praying to whoever would listen that you were home, on the couch or in your room because all he wanted in that moment was to see you. To see you and feel your comfort radiating off your skin in waves that made him feel a little less helpless and alone.

“Peter!?” You gasped, coming around the corner, in silk pyjama shorts, a t-shirt and fuzzy socks. “What are you doing here? Did your suit break agai-” You started, not daring to finish your words when you caught sight of him, the metal spoon that was meant for your chocolate ice cream meeting your wood floor with a quiet clash, “Peter…” You said again, your voice softer, soothing and everything Peter needed in that moment.

You opened your arms, your hair unruly as you watched his slumped shoulders and drooped head take long strides towards you. “(y/n).. I just wanted to help.. I swear,” He whimpered, his arms wrapping around your waist, his head laying against your collarbone, “I knew they had weapons… I wanted to stop them… I wanted to show I was… Ready..” He finished, his voice faltering as you felt his grip tightening around you, followed by a shaky intake of breath. He was crying. He was crying in your arms because he had failed. He had failed on stopping the bad guys he had spent so many hours on, he had failed his role model Tony and he had failed to be Spider Man; he felt pathetic and tiny.

All you could do was hold him, hold him until his arms ached from holding you back, until his eyes burned from the salty tears that greedily fell down his cheeks and dampened your shirt and it wasn’t until half an hour later that you felt his sticky cheek pull away from your chest, his arms falling down to his sides, that you truly felt for him. He was broken, and you swore to yourself that you would pick up the pieces and mend him back into the bright and lovable Peter Parker that you had been best friends with since the age of 2. “Come on, lets sit you down..” You offered, taking his hand in yours as you led him towards the living room even though he knew your apartment just as well as his own.

He plopped down onto the white love-seat, his hands intertwined. His eyes were dull, and they wouldn’t dare look up at you. He didn’t, or more so, he couldn’t look into your eyes because he was terrified he would be met with the same disappointment that was flooding out of Tony’s eyes earlier that day.

Your hands gently tucked your warm blanket around him, making sure to be gentle when you heard small winces leave his lips. “It’s gonna be okay.” You said softly, crouching down in front of his legs as you smiled, your cheek resting on his knee, “Things will get better, they always do..” You said in a hushed tone, your voice holding a tenderness that made Peter feel like he was flying. He was so intensely in love with you.

“I wanna believe you, I really do,” He spoke gently, his voice hoarse with sorrow as he made sure to keep his gaze away from yours, “but I just lost my suit, and I put so many peoples lives in danger today, (y/n). I don’t know what I would’ve done if someone would have died today… Oh, and Tony Stark, my one and only role model probably hates me..” He continued, his voice now monotone as you watched his hands fidget under the blanket, “It also doesn’t help that I’m in love with you, or that I won’t be in the Avengers probably ever, or that Ned will probably kill me when he finds out I lost the suit… “ He whispered, his head falling back against the couch in disappointment. You however, shot up, your cheeks burning. You gripped his knee, making his eyes finally meet yours in surprise, his brows furrowing in confusion when he saw the red tinge that tickled your cheeks and nose.

“I’m sorry, what?!” You choked, your eyes wide as his narrowed, his confusion only growing.

“What?”

“You said… Wait… You just said, you.. ya’ know.. loved me..” You managed, your eyes now falling to the arm rest on the white couch as the grip you had on his knee tightened, making him gulp.

“I did?” He winced, his face watching yours, his heart pulsating rapidly. You only nodded, your eyes slowly creeping back up to his. “Well… I uh- I’m sorry, it just like uh- like slipped so ignore I said anything…” Peter whispered, his eyes watching yours intently as he gulped once more, his adams apple bobbing.

“Do you really want to ignore what you said?” You asked delicately, your heartbeat taking over your senses. He only shook his head, at a lost for words as he eyed you. There was no doubt about the fact that he was in love with you. You were everything he wanted and more. How could you not be? Even now, at almost midnight, you looked stunning. Your features even more beautiful, if possible, under the cool moonlight that peeked through the wooden blinds that covered your balcony doors.

“No. I don’t want to ignore it..” He whispered gently, his hand slipping out from under the blanket to catch yours, its grip now slipping from his knee, “I can’t hide my feelings anymore..” He gulped, pulling you towards him, the fact that you didn’t pull away from his touch giving him slight reassurance.

“Then don’t.” You breathed. That was it. That was all he needed to feel it again, the butterflies in his stomach, the lump in his throat and the sense that he was soaring through the clouds. Only this time, it was like wave after wave of euphoria hit him, making him fall deeper into the waters of your grins and blushes.

He cupped your face, his thumbs rubbing small circles into your cheek bones as he admired you in a way he had only done from afar; from across the lunch table or under the dim lights of your living room during movie marathon day. He leaned in gently, his forehead hot against yours, his breath fanning across your already flustered cheeks. You were the one that leaned in, feeling what was the ghost of his supple lips against yours and he was the one who pulled you back, his body craning for more of you, even if it were just for a second. Your lips tasted of chocolate ice cream and cherry chap stick and his tasted like mint and what could only be described as Peter. He pulled away, not wanting to spoil a night that had started bitter but quickly escalated into something that could only be described as sweet and heavenly.

“I love you too, Peter Parker. Truly..” You grinned, your eyes twinkling with an admiration for him that shook both you and him from within.

“I’m having a hard time processing that this isn’t happening in my imagination..” He chuckled softly, hand still intertwined with yours. “You’re stunning (y/n), and this,” He breathed, looking over at your intertwined hands, giving your hand a gentle squeeze, “Is only something I only ever imagined… You were right, when you said things would end up okay..”

[breakthefilm]

Wonder Woman

So today we went to see Wonder Woman, and its just come to me now, while writing this, that she was never actually referred to by that name the whole film??As DC desperately try to keep up with MCU, we were given one of their big gun characters to gloat over on the screen and also for the first time. Sexy lead playing the role….yes….comic history behind her….. yes. But god she couldn't act.Directed by Zack Sni…. sorry I mean Patty Jenkins, (he only co wrote the story and obviously had most of the control) starring Gal Gadot and Chris Pine we were given DC’s failed attempt that they still cant live up to Marvel. the worst thing is, we are rooting for DC!!

The Plot

Before she was Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), she was Diana, princess of the Amazons, trained to be an unconquerable warrior. Raised on a sheltered island paradise, Diana meets an American pilot (Chris Pine) who tells her about the massive conflict that's raging in the outside world. Convinced that she can stop the threat, Diana leaves her home for the first time. Fighting alongside men in a war to end all wars, she finally discovers her full powers and true destiny.

What was good about it

rite im not going to slag it off completely. there were some very good aspects to it. For one, the storyline in parts was well written (Zach, you have a compliment) it really captured Diana's naivety throughout to the outside world but also the coldness of the world war. the trench scene was very effective. Even though Pine was the good guy, he was cold enough to move on to his own mission forgetting the 1000’s in the trenches. it emphasised the damaging effects not only to the soldiers and landscapes but to good men and women.leading me onto PIne. Im not a fan of him as an actor but in WonderWoman I was very impressed. The build up of a young Diana to an adult was very well done too. it didnt quite capture the amount of training an Amazonian warrior would do and what it means to them but the foundations were there. Costume looked good too and that went to all round actors and extras. what was bad about it

ok….SoGal Gadot was remarkably pretty but couldn't act for shit. She got away with in Batman Vs Superman because she basically had fuck all to do in the film other than scream and shout and fight. Unfortunately she just could hold her own in the film and was often out-shined by Pine in which was suppose to be very "Wonder Woman” scenes. 

Examples, 

the love scene….Pine owned it.

The over the top….Pine stole it when he joined 

The im going to kill you at the german party….Pine won it

she is suppose to be the ultimate warrior and not only that, a powerhouse in the DCU. I just didn't get that. as much as liked the trench scene with its capture of the coldness of war, the action scene was a bitter disappointment. I don't know was their a budget issue but it needed more german soldiers. This was the front line and she was attacking it head on over no mans land. i counted 3 machine guns and about 10 soldiers. it was obvious on screen and a real shame. Ares was completely wrongly casted along with her fellow bandits. I mean i cant name one of them and I've just watched the movie!! However back to Ares. He is the God of War and all i could think was Harry potter. David Thewlis wasn't convincing and it was a really poor casting choice. the film was too long. By the end i was just wanting to leave. The costume, as much as i liked it, there was no story to it other than it belonged to the gods. In the comics her costume is you know, kind of a big deal and bar it looking sexy on her, it was completely overlooked in the film. Finally the end fight. Corny as fuck i mean Love…. I understand humans…. close up shot walking towards the camera like shes talking to the world yet realistically shes the only one that can hear herself…..what the actual Fuck. erghhh it was sickening.

Overall Opinion

Its an Origin Story i get that but unfortunately i think it was poorly executed. Some great ideas and concepts but badly casted and maybe badly directed?? Im not saying its a bad movie but I am saying its another DC bitter disappointment. 2.5/5 and i think thats a fair rating. It would have made a great war film. But not a superhero film. Its grossed a shit load and being the first real female super hero to lead the screen i was hoping it could start a power shift to more female leads in that world. 

I didn't know what to expect with WonderWoman so went in neutral and came out disappointed.DC and WB you need to find a Director that gets it if your ever to compete with Marvel because you are way behind….

[valeriemperez]

The Breathless Mahoney reference made me go to YT. 317 Dick Tracy w/ a twist? There's a scene that loosely fits Iris' POV about the engagement and Savitar, esp. if IW's character is an AU doppelgänger. It's called What Can You Lose. DT needs BM to testify in order to take down Big Boy. She tries to seduce him. Iris POV: If you can't tell me how you feel Barry, than I can't trust you... You can't protect me...How bad do you want Savitar?...Tell me you want. Tell me you want me...you want it all.

Haha, it would be great if Candice mentioned the character because there’s an homage to the movie like that in it.

I’m actually thinking that while initially Barry will try to fight the script eventually not real Iris will have a conversation with him and tell him, listen, I’m not your Iris, but your Iris is out there. Go fight for her.

I LOVE THIS, and I demand that it happen.

I’m probably going to be wrong (it happens occasionally 😉) but I feel like with the latest news, WA really will be fine after the musical-not engaged but fine. Even after reading CP’s other interviews- it just feels like they (Iris really) needs time. I’m not putting tons of stock into the E! one though, I think they’ve been known to twist words around/post interviews that were done weeks ago and claim them as new.

It definitely sounds to me like things will turn back around towards good in the musical. 16 will be pain, but after the “lesson” in 17 WA will start getting back on track.

My new big fear with this news is that “running home to you” will be a song Barry will sing while Iris and Mon-El are off somewhere being in love. Which will be all kinds of heart breaking. Keeping my expectations super low to try and avoid being disappointed.

Hmm… I guess it’s possible, but I’m 100% positive that the song will be about Barry and Iris. And that will be reflected in how the musical episode ends for them.

@notyetbulletproof said:

“SHES THE DAUGHTER OF 2 GANGSTERS” JLM AND VICTOR GARBER. Mon el can fly off, I’m here for them singing to her. 👏🏽

This is probably the best piece of news today LMAO. I really can’t wait to see them be in love.

so the crossover is gonna be iris and mon-el’s “meister!characters” (idk how else to explain that) falling in love? i’d like to take a second bc iris x james has been my secret ship and imagine if that was what was happening instead? oh man im bitter but excited just because of candice, carlos, and jesse.

Poor James. :( I’m excited too, though. 

Even if that wouldn’t be the message or intention of the writers I’m just not here for Barry to be ship baited with another white woman. The fandom would be hell for the next few months if they did. Not completely thrilled with this crossover idea but it is the lesser of two evils so I’ll take it.

It worked out!

[icharchivist]

OKAY I FUCKING FINISHED AND IM FUCKING SCREAMING

It took me 3 hours yesterday to watch 20 minutes, and today I started at 11am and know it’s almost 9pm 

it took me fucking 11 hours or so to finish this goddamn movie that I didn’t even like I hate t h is

at least know I have 260 screenshots of Phantom Rouge on my computer and most of them are Kurapika’s so it’s not lost per se.

But man this movie is a trainwreck. 

While I enjoyed some of the Leopika moments (I’m weak) and consider Kurapika too pretty for it, this was mostly a trainwreck. The moments with Killua’s issues were painful to see. Omokage could have been interesting but his powers were pure nonesense and it was just annoying. Kurapika’s powers were slave of the plot. Also fuckign nice we got the Kurta’s flashbacks in this movie, like, it was butchered, Pairo was barely really in and it had no real incidence on Kurapika, what the fucking heck. The troupe makes a glorified cameo and really? This is almost my favorite parts with the Leopika parts, because those are stuff I’d like them to say eventually, so I fall for fanservice anytime.

Killua was so weirdly written that the few times I might have enjoy it (i when he doesn’t want Kurapika to kill again), I had this bitter feeling of “something is off” while I could have enjoyed the scene! and man  the moral of the story is so clumsy and rushed what the hell? And Leorio is just. There. He disappears during the fight because of course he does. And man all the things about Illumi drove me nuts;

And I love Kurapika but he should have been more angry, the stuff in the movie should have fucked him up, especially having to destroy Pairo’s puppet. Oh boy and Pairo, I’m too invested in his manga’s counter part to understand or appreciate what they did with him.

Honestly thanks go d Leorio and Kurapika’s scenes are super soft and I’m always a sucker for Leorio taking care of Kurapika especially when Kurapika is being reckless (although at the moment the “moral” of the story about having to move on yada yada from Leorio had me guh, the others leopika moments were gr8)

but oh boy the ones with killua and gon? most of them fell flat because it’s just lowkey using the themes of the manga, but it does it in such a way it doesn’t work??

To be fair I didn’t expect much from a movie that is completely filler, and I mean, there’s a few scenes that are not too bad (Leopika’s scenes are mostly perfs, two scenes with Killua and gon are really worth it, and as clumsy as it is I liked the troupe) but yup. 

I would say no regret but it took me 11 hours to get through this shitshow I have so many regrets

I’m gonna rewatch the anime for a few if you don’t mind (and I won’t liveblog it this time, I’m trying to purge myself from the movie kay)

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im in this like .. cycle i guess. 

i want to reach out for support because i feel a lack of support but to express a lack of support offends people around me (despite their lack of support) and i lose even the smallest amount of support i had 

i’m really sad lingering on feeling depressed. and im trying hard to reprogram my brain to see it as feeling depressed and not being depressed because its like acting out the emotion of depressed as your character and i just want to feel it because im not in a movie. 

i had an issue with my roommates dog while being in immense pain from a stupid cyst and literally no one would help. as i laid on the floor in pain i knew no one would actually help. it wasnt until 11pm that he returned a phone call i made at noon and when i said i was in pain he offered to bring me to his house and take me to the doctors tomorrow. 

but his whole attitude had changed like i was really burdening his life now and i guess he was calling to tell me he was leaving like the next day or somethng and now ive interrupted it. of course he didnt “say” this but it felt heavily implied and i never really felt comfortable being around him. he didnt want to show any affection and seemed to avoid it, slept through the day and had us go to bed at 10pm 

he had mentioned briefly that he would take me to the doctors again today but pack up and leave in the evening. this morning it was the same awkward uncomfortableness and he had like little desire to talk to me. i thought like if that was our last night and this is our last morning i guess it really says alot. like i guess if im ever severely injured he will begrudgingly help me in some way but he’ll have a really shit attitude about it and i can be nothing more than grateful i guess?

i told him i would take myself to the doctors. he said okay. i said i was leaving in 10 minutes and he said okay. i sat feeling really sick and i understand, a bit, that alot of this sickness comes from feeling really alone in other areas of my life. so theres like this giant hole and immediate panic when the person who was atleast occupyng space in the hole leaves. but if i had other people i wouldnt feel such panic - i’m thinkng like wow i’m fucked if i’m actually hurt. or if i get sick. like i cant expect any help from anyone even though they all receive some kind of help from other people. i cant even make a call to anyone and express anything at all without them having to go or do something else in their life that im not apart of. and its not just bad timing -  i could wait and wait and im just waiting for someone to make the time for me and i have to be grateful that anyone would set aside even one hour of their day for me and ive not been around other people who understand the complexities of this. like, of course im grateful. im extremely grateful. thats like all i think about for that hour that thank fucking god there was a single human being willing to give me this time so i could even help myself in some way. 

and its not like i dont give this. ive given soooooooooo much of this an got nothing in return. except that i have to feel super grateful for the hour i get in return for my huge investment into their lives. and its like at nooooo point can i ask my mom for 20$. i cant ask my dad what credit card i should get. or if this person is ripping me off. like i get that i can (an will) do all these things myself but i dont even get the priviledge of receiving valid learned advice from a trusted source - i get jack offs and reddit commenters explaining how a mortgage works. or how to buy a car. or the best tips on a driving test. and when im sad and lonely? i get to turn to strangers on the internet or i guess worse, this. even though its likely no one at all will read this. when im really sick? i make chicken soup for myself. i go to the store for myself. i maybe find a ride to the doctors and mabe get lucky the pharmacy is there too so i dont have to ride the bus.when i feel like everything is chaotic? i return to cats. 

but hey - i’m going to be a “stronger, smarter” person right? thats what it all boils down to. lacking soo much will somehow make me stronger and smarter than the next person who already has these things. doesnt that seem so dumb? to me, i just worked 10x as hard to get to the same place that someone else did with half the work. but im “stronger and smarter” for the effort. i think you’re wiser and more resilient. because you become wise through experience and knowledge of the experience - but you can still be dumb as hell. you arent stronger - you just learned to put up with more; that’s resilience. you couldn’t use resilience like you could use strength. it just means you didnt give up. 

and thats not a negative but when you place it in this light i think it conjures a different respect for the lack of priviledges that it takes to reach “wiser and more resilient’. 

right now im really.... alot of things. i feel sad and angry and frustrated and bitter and envious. im trying to respect other peoples journeys but its leaving me really fucking alone. i told him i was leaving and he said bye. that could very well be our last personal encounter and i guess i appreciate that i left it as is. instead of trying to shape it into something it wasnt going to be, i just accepted that this was the choice he was making. of course, its easier to leave when you disconnect from someone/the things around you. 

i personally feel that this is the end of the relationship and my expectation is that he’ll be gone in the next 24 hours. i think i would prefer to leave our last encounter as this. although he “asked” multiple times how i was feeling or why i didnt feel good - i knew that he wasnt even the person to be talking to about it. how could i explain any of this to him? he has really not understood it and its doubtful he ever will. i expect nothing from him now - maybe i did before. maybe i wanted to have something real with him, like how we pretended to have. and i guess he showed his ‘support’ but like - youre leaving anyways. what happens when youre gone? does it matter? 

i cant ask these questions because theyre already answered. nothing happens, life goes on. you got what you got for the time being, be grateful. 

its not just him i feel this way with - i actually feel this way with multiple people ive been around. i cant talk about these things beacause it implies they dont care. and they do care otherwise they wouldnt have given me a ride or a sandwhich or bus change or sat wth me for an hour or smoked me some weed. BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS TO My ACTUAL LIFE. when you give a homeless man a dollar, do you think you just changed his life? like you changed 5 minutes before he had to go ask for another dollar from someone else because not a single person wants to give him actual legitimate help. just smile and nod. 

ths morning his mother literally shut the garage door on me. i have no idea how she did not hear the door open or the garage door open standing 10 ft away but she literally shut the door and i sat in the dark. i said nothing because no one cares. 

and he bitchs and moans about all these things and its like hes just discovering no one cares  and his solution is to also stop caring for anyone but himself. and its like he doesnt even see this because hes ‘going to get better and help so many people’ but hes not. he literally is not. and its infruiating that he cant even signficiantly benefit one persons life and his solution to this is to stop any attempts and focus just on himself before i guess inviting the world in. 

am i not fucking worthy or deserving? i’m not some runaway kid. i’m not a fucking drug addict. i’m not a single mom. if not me, then who deserves to benefit? i guess everyone above. you know, i didnt add to everyone being fucking dead and deserted with severe trauma and ptsd and little coping skills by taking hard drugs and fucking strange men. i didnt have unsafe sex. but i guess i should have so i could have the attention that other people seem to get for these acts. i stayed “strong” and “smart” and i’m alone and struggling. i guess i deserve to be. 

when i say this its not like i want people to immediately become my family and do all this shit with me and include me an talk to me all waking moments. i want this person who has been in my life but has remained in a neutral position by their own decision to remain neutral as i express the lonliness that i feel being in this position instead of take it personal or trying to make me be optimistic about it. i am sitting with a person and still expressing this - optimism is not what i need. nor do i need to argue that this person hasnt fulfilled the needs i have when they consider themselves a ‘friend”. to be a friend now is to remain in the position youve already taken and allow me the space to now be myself - this sucks. its hard. when i speak, no one is really listening. when i need someone, i have to wait until “a good time” which could be days. and its not just one person. if this one person was doing this - fine. it’s sad but bareable. it’s so many encounters that i feel like im in highschool floating through the halls unnoticed. i have no significance or importance to anything. and its not like oh god i have to be loved and have attention but like theres litereally none. there is zero. nothing. 

thats when “anything” looks better than nothing and you get stuck in even shittier situations.