#im still so fucking angry but i REFUSE to vent about it bc when it happened i texted my friends and none of them fucking replied

[backtosmallthings]

where is that fucking im going to go missing soon image. bc that is me right now

[maxthesillyy]

i bet everything i own that if i push the look button max is gonna say smth quirky and funny— wait no. we cant look at anything… UNCOMMON DE WIN

nope nvm she looked at thefucking santa hat NEVERMIND. and the table sign… and. a bunch else. okay…..

still soso cuirous bout rhe polaroids

literally just watched safi tell her to pull the trigger and is still absolutely fine with her.. okay

LORETTA!!!!!!<3

OH SHIT YAY i was hoping wed get a “max fucks up timelines” moment :3

loretta y r u like rhis… freak<3

the talk to the future/past thing is so much cooler now considering

not even an animation for the “change his grade” thing??

SORRY PLANT I JUST DIDNT WANNA RISK GWEN FIGURING OUT I WAS THERE

gwen hates max in my play through so much 😭

oh straight up? nice

“whyd u do it” “IT WAS HARD AND I DONT REGRET IT”

safi…. safi im so curious

MAYA MENTION MAYA MENTION MAYA MENTION

amberprice vibes? parallels i guess?

so clearly the call was safi learning the book was cancelled

max never fucking stops 😭😭

people who want to romance gwen r projecting themselves WAY too much into maxs place,,, maybe its just me but this is like. exhausted parent and rebellious teenager 4 lack of better words

NO RECORDS OF ALDERMAN??? this is so cool

oh hey firewalk poster in gwens office

stop mentioning explosive shit ur scaring me

THE RINGING IS SO ANNOYINGGGGRGEFFEFEF

oh???????? timeline fuckery???????? i dont think shes lying she looks way too chill.

“everyone seems to have a different opinion of Maya” I AM FED UP WITH THE RACHEL PARALLELS!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS THIS GOING 💥💥💥💥💥

“because she (safi) trusts you. and i (yasmin) trust you.” staring staring staring. something something ‘pull the trigger.’

I DONT WANNNA TALK TO VINH OH MY GO

me and all the homies (except ky) HATE VINH

AMANDA JUMPSCARE HOLY SHIT like that genuinely startled me. just seeing her stand in the corner like that LMFAO

MAYAS WAS A STUDENT?????????? I TAKE BACK EVERY AMBERPRICE STATEMENT MY BAD MY BAD

im trying so hard to care about the npc sideplotlines. would be easier if i could engage in the conversation.

STOP BEING FLIRTY I DO NOT CONSENT‼️‼️

OH! DIAMOND AND MOSES.. or just diamond?

the audios weird again

the chapters feel so much longer… but that may just be bc i dont know what to expect next unlike previous games.

oh. damn. i liked lucas,, idk whether to trust vinh but. idk.

hell yea not cashing in on the favor he owes me

safis like a force of nature when shes angry. this reminds me of no one.

ugh i guess i dont totally hate vinh

HELP MAX I WAS JUST ABOUT SAY— not another pedo teacher please 🙏

wow <3 love this photo of lucass family. definitely not a pitch black screen for some reason.

OF COURSE THATS WHERE THE FUCKING THING TO PROGRESS THE STORY WAS

OH SHIR HES A THEIF

i like that DE has more achievements other than the collectibles

SAFI TIME

these chapters are SO LONG

“safi, hey!” said too casually

dude im scared of safi now

WHATS GOING ON?! IM SCARED!!! /reference

maxs number 1 talent is pissing off pretty women

MAX PRE DE POST HELL WEEK LORE

THE CHLOE SHIT IS GONNA MAKE ME GO INSANE. WDYM U WERE ALONE FOR SO LONG. WDYM CHLOE IS PROBABLY PARTYING. WHAT DO YOU MEAN CHLOE WOULD PICK UP FOR YOU BUT IT ISNT HER JOB TO YAKE CARE OF YOU. YOURE GOING THROUGH HORRIBLE TRAUMATIC SHIR LITERALLY CALL HER

UGHGSGEGFFRGGEGGEGGRGFFAHHHHHHH

OH WAIT LETS FUCKING GO— max makes a parallel comment on lucas and jefferson i knew it was real

“heh…. thats the reaction im expecting at this point……” max shouldve been a teen on 2020 tiktok

ARO DIAMOND????? 😻😻😻😻😻😻😻

i cant play this all night when does this chapter end?

so were calling polaroid max alternate max

safi vague vent posting LMFAO

max messing up timelines 😻

lowkey getting annoyed amanda’s One reaction to anything sad max says is “LOL EMO i refuse to respond seriously” it’s nitpicky

also the audio is weird again,,, WAY too loud music rn

“bitch shut ur dumb eyes!” same vibes as when someone tries to do the “be mean to friend jokingly and everyone finds it funny” way too early on in the friendship. clearly max doesnt think so tho so.

this reminds me of that one moment in the tlou dlc

this is not fun,,,,,,,,,, classic LIS dance scene tho! cant live without it

AYYYYY LETS THRASH SHAKABRAH MOMENT

ugh that wasnt fun but it was kinda cute + necessary LIS dance scene + max is happier now

PH THE BG MUSIC IS GOOD NOW?????? HOLY SHIT ITS LIKE. BTS LEVELS OF GOOD

oh yay amandas finally giving max a normal response

“why are you so nice to me?” MAX GUILT AND TRAUMA MAX GUILT AND TRAUMA

“shit,,, im doing it again” LITERALLY WHAT AMANDA. WHAT. LITERALLY WHAT.

“my therapist says i latch onto people too quickly…” SHUT UPPPPP FUCK OFF

okay sorry i officially dont like amanda. reminds me of way too many annoying people i know

“please dont vs that would be hot” 😕😕😕😕😕

when max acts cringy its okay bc its max but when AMANDA ACTS LIKE A NICE GUY ITS SO ANNOYING

I LITERALLY SAID SHE ISNR MY TYPE AND ITS A FRIEND THING STOP SHOVING HER AT ME— AT LEAST VINH IS RELATED TO THE PLOT.

“heh… i guess i just have a thing for emotionally unavailable women” FUCK OFFF I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE ALL ABOUT BOUNDARIES

“but dw you didnt feel the same way and i respect that” CLEARLY NOT???

okay the gwen is hot joke is actually kinda funny

whateva whateva idec

i wanted to like amanda so much but i CANT

oh hey trauma and guilt again 😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻

max was so excited to see safi too </3

MAX STOP FLIRTING WITH PEOPLE I DO NOT CONSENT /joke

“safi was obsessed with you” SAFI LORE GO ON PLEASE

anybody else waiting for More rachel mentions

stop making me not hate you vinh… this chapter has reversed me— like vinh hate amanda now

WHY ARE WE SMASHING OR PASSING STOP IT STOP IT IM TOO AROACE I DONT LIKE THIS GAME STOPPPPPPP

say safi so i can say smash

“my students are off limits” THANK GOD i was so scared they were gonna be dumb tbh

VINH BACK OFF NOW— BEAR SPRAY GO

OH FUCK OFF IM NOT KISSING HIM— NOT NOW OF ALL TIMES

“dont take this the wrong way—“ TAKE IT. TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY

please tell me were at the end please please please

YEAH I AM ROMANTICALLY DISENTANGLED THANKS FOR NOTICING— although thats. an odd achievement. but i can support an achievement that encourages you to not gaf about romance for two seconds.

SCARY TF

max canNOT get a break

close the door damn

WHAT RHE SHIT

WHATS GOING ON?!?!? IM SCARED!!!!! /ref

THEY WENT INTO THE DARK ROOM??? FUCK OFF

kitty!

OH HEY I REMEMBER— THE HOUSE BREAK INS THEY MENTIONED EVERY OTHER MINUTE

WHAT RHE FUCK WHAT RHE TUCK EHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

THATS SAFI IM CALLING IT— JK I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW? NO SHOT THATS ACTUALLY MAX?

THIS IS COOL AS FUCK DUDE

OH WAIT OR? MAYA? EITHER WAY THIS IS NOT MAX SHES ACTING WEIRD AF

NOT MAX THAT IS NOT MAX

OH MY GOD LITERALLY WHO ARE YOU

JESUS CHRISTTT

THATS WHAT??? CHLOE CALLED HER????????? SUPERMAX??????

OKAY SO. WHATEVER. WE WERE RIGHT. BUT NO NEED FOR HER TO HAVE CALLED HER SUPERMAX

WHAT RHE FUCK EVER

so!!!! that was fun!!!!!!!! ill collect my thoughts!!!!!! soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAT I AM SO EXCITED AND DREADFUL

[heartate-aa]

i really hate the language. raphael uses to paint me. in their doc. like how dare you. HOW. dare you. who does that like. WHO DOES THAT LOL. like. what?? 

“[she] acts victimized and fragile” “this set her off” like you are literally doing everything in your power to try to isolate me at the very end by painting me as being crazy. lmao. lmao????????????

and then this bit

this time, i made it clear it was the final time, i gave her no avenue to contact me or respond. i understand how this makes her feel ‘unheard’ but from my perspective, i had to do it so as not to be manipulated back into the relationship.

this bit is great because it shows how egotistical raphael is to think i would have even CONSIDERED contacting them. i’ve been telling our friends, your friends, that i want nothing to do with you, that i don’t want to speak to you. you’re the one who all but begged to our mutual friend to ask to speak to me lol. you’re the one who wanted to talk to me. you’re the one who went through PAYPAL of all things to try to get to me. you LITERALLY spent so long asking our friend to get me to agree to speak to you AND I CONTINUED TO REFUSE. BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU. I DON’T WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU. you painting this narrative like this is so disingenuous and such a fucking like. it’s so. i don’t even know the word right now i’m so annoyed and angry. i told our friend i have no interest in speaking to you. i told them no. i told them no no no. they told you that i said no. and then you asked them “ok well can you ask if she’d be willing to speak to me and if so then preferably by the/at the (idk anymore i have to look) may bc i have exams” LIKE HOW? DARE YOU. you really think i owe you. my time??? i have never. tried to contact you. i never thought about it. i was moving on. you’re the one trying to contact me. please get a reality check. you are still, at the end, projecting YOUR actions and YOUR guilt and YOUR feelings onto ME. STOP. PROJECTING. ONTO PEOPLE. RAPHAEL.

you blocking me everywhere isn’t what made me feel unheard raphael. that’s such a stupid stupid STUPID?? THING TO SAY. LIKE WHAT. do you even hear yourself like. did you look at anything you wrote and say yeah, this makes sense. YOU BLOCKING ME ISN’T WHAT MADE ME FEEL UNHEARD. I DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SPEAKING TO YOU AT THAT POINT. what made me feel unheard was all of the countless instances during our relationship where i tried to express myself to you, my feelings, my frustrations, and you shut me down. you told me that anything i had to say was unimportant. you told me that, when i tried to say how my feelings were hurt too, i was making it all about me. so are you really surprised??? that i felt i had no room to speak? that i never opened up to you about anything anymore? lol. you’re so. rich. “i had to do it as to not be manipulated back into the relationship” DUDE. IT WAS A MUTUAL. PARTING. LIKE. I LITERALLY AGREED. YEAH. THIS ISN’T GOOD. I DON’T WANT TO DATE YOU ANYMORE. and then YOU are the one who asked me to still be friends. which i can’t fucking prove anymore because you deleted your fucking messages. i don’t even remember why you approached me after a week of silence to break up, but i literally agreed with you. and then YOU. wanted. to be friends. i wasn’t the one who proposed it. YOU DID. so if anything, just like the last times you broke up with me, you’re the one who reaches out to me first to try to rope me back in and manipulate me by being nice and making me feel bad. one time you broke up with me, you literally hounded me by mentioning me in posts (which i’ll provide down here btw) from both my ahri and my personal blogs. you literally came onto my personal blog and reblogged one of my vents to be like “i need to talk to you” and then you literally went to our friend to ask her to tell me that you wanted to talk to me. so no. stop fucking lying. stop painting this narrative that i’m the one who keeps manipulating back into staying with me. yes i begged and cried to make things work, but those were my genuine feelings. i didn’t want things to be over. i didn’t want it to end. i thought things could work so i was fighting to make it work. i see how it comes across as being emotionally manipulative, but each time i sat and cried and said please don’t go, i was literally. quite literally. sitting there bawling in tears giving myself a headache fighting to keep this relationship up and the ONE TIME I DIDN’T DO THAT, you accused me of giving up and it just made me feel like you WANT me to sit and cry and beg. god. every time i look at your fucking doc again im so infuriated by something new. you’re literally sitting here trying to paint me as the crazy ex girlfriend and your shitty ass hakujin friends are helping you. lmao.

[pyromaniac-smartass]

quick vent

i was fwb with one of my oldest friends, he ended up being kinda shitty with me and started dating a mutual friend of ours

even tho we weren't in a relationship, it made me feel awful and stirred up a whole lot of negative emotions inside me

accentuated by the fact that he never came forward to me, never talked to me about ending things. just started to be very cold towards me

i never wanted a relationship with him. i knew the type of situation between us wasn't a good one. i feel like he disrespected our friendship by ignoring me and refusing to have any normal conversation but seeking me out when he needed sex.

and then he stopped altogether and i found out that he was dating our mutual friend

at first it made me feel replaced, like i wasnt enough, like i made a mistake or smth wrong. then i got angry at them.

but yesterday she reached out. she was feeling guilty about the whole thing, bc i had confided in her previously. she felt like she betrayed my trust and took advantage of the situation.

so i wasnt angry at her anymore, just sad and dissapointed. the way the situation unfolded was awful and she agreed that it was. she kept apologizing and saying that its okay if i hated her.

i dont hate her at all, even tho it still feels like a betrayal of sorts. mostly im angry at him for creating this situation that fucked up my friendship with her

im angry that he didnt have the BALLS to talk to me and to be honest.

why is it that women always have the need to fix men's bullshit???

so we ended up talking for like half and hour and crying together. i asked her, as her friend, to demand the respect that she deserves. to demand conversation and openness, and not to let him do with her what he did with me.

im choosing to be the bigger person and to prioritize women solidarty insted of fighting over some dick.

that conversation was the first step towards closure and healing. it will take time and more crying, but i feel like i'll eventually get there.

i deserve to be with someone that respects me and that treats me right. i deserve to be with someone that respects me and that treats me right. i deserve to be with someone that respects me and that treats me right.

[edelblau]

id make a read more but idk if thats possible anymore at least on mobile? anyways i need to put my feelings down somewhere snd i feel like i might as well do it here

(thank you to the two anons from a few xays back btw im not publishing them bc i wanna be able to like, look back on them easier when im s*icidal)

i keep doing this thing where i isolate myself when things get bad and refuse to talk to my friends and it almost certainly has its roots in my dad verbally abusing me for crying too much and being bullied for being a crybaby and. all that and it kinda feeds into my abandoment issues because i feel like,

aam i talking too much about how i feel? is it unfair to burden others? am i being manipulative? am i an okay person? am i even right for venting or am i just making it all up for attention?

and my abandoment issues have only gotten worse recently and part of that is finally blocking my dads number at the suggestion of a psychologist because every time he messaged me i felt miserable and part of that is some of the shit that happened like last year for me ended in a lot of new friendships being lost

aand idk if i should talk about this really but im going to anyways

i hadd a friend i was especially close with and he kinda fucked up and hurt some people and someone decided to call hi. on that but the person who called him on it was kind of just genuinely an awful person who was being generally unfair and not allowing for reconciliation

and i knew bad things had been done so i stayed quiet, but parts of what they said were just so horrifically unfair and i should have said something

but i didnt want to excuse the actual wrongdoing either, so i stayed silent and let them sort of lay into him

he cut off all of us after that and i was so hurt bc you know. abandonment issues. i didnt even think of reaching out and instead focused on how i felt but

how awful would it have been to be sort of. hit by all that and then none of your friends even reach out?

but the worst part is that the person who acted in bad faith to begin with started manipulating everyone into this false anger and we all 'got angry' at what he did and i think it was just as empty for everyone else as it was for me but anywsyd he ended up blcoking us all and

i still cant forgive myself for what happened and how i acted and i know its not like hes ever going to be moved to reach out to me and #pathetic moment but

part of me still wants validation that its okay to be alive bc he was kinda a huge support system for me but i cant have it because of that whole situation and i honestly dont deserve it

and i guess i should just let it go and accept that theres nothing i can do anymore and move on but its like

im so afraid of hurting other people and i have this huge sterling example of me doing Exactly that now and of course im a better person than i was before and ive grown but

it certainly doesnt help with the whole 'feeling like i deserve to die because im a terrible person' thing

[scatmaan]

tbh love simon has made me wanna vent but i got no one to rlly talk to so im gonna spam my trauma on tumblr lmao... i feel like i just have so much repressed shit bc i’ve never had anyone to talk to who can relate to what i went through? obviously there are other gay ppl out there who were shit on but i don’t know anyone personally so it’s like i have all this shit built up..  like, i started coming out to very close friends. i think i came out to 3 super close friends of mine in middle school. that’s all i told. but somehow me being gay ended up getting out and so the whole school knew? so... one of my best friends gossiped i suppose and outed me. which sucks to think about. i never wanted to really think too hard about who might’ve done it. bc they were my bffs lmao i didn’t want to hate any of them..  even my best friend.. who im still super close to played a really mean “prank” on me when i came out to her. ofc i did it over email bc it was back in them daaaays.. basically she wrote me back saying how i was a disgrace to my family and that they’d never love me in a very detailed and long letter. funny, right? i didn’t think so at the time and broke down. full on mental break down happening. but then she tells me, “oh i was jk lmao” like... she didn’t just fucking traumatize me. i forgave her ofc... bc i love her and i could never lose her. but idk it stills hurts even today.  and i’ve never actually told any of my friends what i went through after i was outed. just bc idk? never came up. i was always alone when kids would pass by me and whisper that i was going to burn in hell or call me a faggot. the only time one of my friends was with me was when i was full on cornered by these older kids(cliche ik but im not jk) in gym class. she ended up getting so mad on my behalf ...no surprise i crushed hard on her lmao... she was the first girl i ever rlly fell in love with. but she was straight ofc my luck. she did let me take her to the dance tho which was super nice... even if i ended up dancing with my ex.  who was actually my first gf and the source of my current ongoing anxiety about being affectionate in public. we were like a walking freak show. everyone knew about us. theyd surround us after classes trying to get us to kiss so they could take pictures... tbh as im typing all this out it sounds like a bad gay movie. and like... even the other very out lesbian at the time hated my ass. she thought i was a fake for some reason dont ask me fuckin why..  it didn’t even stop in middle school. that shit just followed me into highschool. making it fuckin impossible for me to have a decent relationship. i dated this one girl who was just so confident and self assured... she had such a loving and accepting family.. and she wanted me to be more than i could be. she wanted me to go farther and out myself to my family.. make our relationship way more public than just highschool public. and i couldnt do it. she was too touchy and i felt like everyone had their eyes on us even if they didn’t..  people i didnt fucking know came up to me and told me my friends were cheating on me with other girls.... this part isnt rlly sad its just wild af. i always held my friends hands so obviously that meant i was dating them i suppose?? lmao that shit was just too much. total fuckin strangers telling me my friends were cheating on me... liiiiike who tf are you??  ofc there were the dickheads too who would shove their fingers in my face and ask me to sniff as if theyd actually had gotten any pussy.. tbh highschool was much lighter when it came to bullying. it was a godsend compared to middle school lmao.  tbh the worst part of the movie was the home life. simon being able to come back to a quiet loving home.. and i put en faces on the quiet part.. when i came home i came home to screaming, yelling, cussing, slamming doors to the point they fell off the hinges, punching through doors, threats, and knifes being pulled on each other. my parents called the cops several times on my one brother. it just came from all sides. no one was fucking peaceful in my family. all i ever did was hide in my room with my dog cause even she was too scared to go outside.  that didnt have anything to do with me being gay but.... its another repressed thing so lmao. im pr sure it mixes in with my inability to be able to express my emotions with people. i just bottle everything up and keep quiet bc there was never any room for me to be angry. i always had to be the mediator. even now as an adult when my parents finally have split up i had to play the nice one between the two. i had to keep the peace even as my mom screamed at me and made me cry and refused to apologize for how she treated me... i had to play nice with her bc no one else in my family could act like an adult. this ended up being way longer than intended and tbh i dont expect yall to read this bullshit but it felt nice writing it all out. again i dont have anyone to talk to who can rlly relate to this shit so lmao. even my own gf doesnt seem to rlly get it or want to talk abt it so i just was feeling so pent up and emotional. i had to let it out somewhere. 

[wingedpenumbra-blog]

i was in such a good mood and then my dad called and went on a very loud angry rant about what a shitty daughter i am. because apparently standing up for myself and not being a quiet obedient child who agrees with his every abusive, sexist, racist, egotistical viewpoint is being a shitty daughter. 

anyway sorry to vent im just like,,, near tears but theres nothing i can do about it so. i just wanna go back to college where there’ll be states in between us, instead of living in a place where he can show up anytime. even then its awful because he texts me shitty things, like when he reminded me of my good friend’s death just for the sake of it or made light of the time i got sexually harassed/manipulated + bullied for being lesbian. 

i started crying to my mom and said “mark my words, when i move away from california for good then i’ll never speak to him again” and she said “i hope you’ll always still speak to me” and then i cried harder bc what did i do to deserve my mom honestly,, she used to be super conservative and homophobic but after i came out she did a complete 180. my best friend came out as transgender and my mom immediately asked what his preferred name is and started using correct pronouns. she is So Good. i live with her and my grandma and they are both beams of light who try so hard to right what my father did wrong.

but im so tired of my dad. im tired of having a fucked up sense of self esteem because i had a dad who never loved me or my brother, who even admitted to prioritizing himself during our childhood. im tired of always being afraid when he comes over. im tired of him choosing women and having a good time over his children’s mental health. im tired of my poor brother being the only boy in boy scouts who’s dad could go on campouts but always refuses because he doesnt want to. im tired of us being in therapy for having lonely childhoods. im so, so tired. 

tl;dr im prob not gonna be online that much tonight i gotta spend some time w/ my patron goddess to get over This Load Of Shit. sorry to vent.

[xelere]

tw long rant cus i need to breathe

wow the fight i had with dad that made me depressed af.... i had it now with my white brother and his wife and partly with my mom too

they talked abt having their kids kidnapped would be the worst and i jokingly said ”haha thats me” cus i need to deal with it

and my brother starts to lecture me and then just completely insensitive says ”but werent you abandoned on the streets i dont think china-” oh here we go again

my kind but weak mom goes; ”no actually a police station” as if that was any better??? she has NEVER stood up for me, no one has. maybe she wants to and agrees with me cus shes the smartast in our family but she never had the GUTS to and the same for my other brother they be agreeing or at least UNDERSTANDING and maybe RESPECT me a little but nor enough to ever have mt back those fkn pussies

then we start to fight and i start to cry again cus im so FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY of having a white family and i CANT EVER REST I CANT REST ANYWHERE WHERE IS MY FUCKING SAFE SPACE CAN I BREATHE

and then his wife goes ”but linn.... now im getting angry you cant just accuse him of being subtle racist!!” and shes always quiet an i always thought she was lile smarter than my stupid brother but obviously.... not

and i just give up.... im a fcking minority in my own family. not to get too personal but my little sister would never have the guts to do this cus shes afraid of conflicts. i ALWAYS have to shut the fuck up in family reuinions. and just because i came with trauma, i was an angry and anxious baby, always screaming and thanks to that being labelled as ”problematic and annoying and angry” by everyone who didnt know how to handle me - thanks to that people STILL think they have the right to silence me. im a grown ass woman, im fucking 19 years old and everyone in my family still rolls their eyes at me and goes ”but linn....”

im so fucking tired. im so fucking tired. and i say that. i tell them im tired and that this is why i want to die cus thats exactly why and my brother starts to laugh and like.... accuse me and shit for not ving grateful cus he wants ro defend mom or smth like.... excuse me youre her fucking biolocigal son you have your own fkn mother right here and everyone in this ugly country looks and thinks wxacrly like you

honestly im too tired to write all this shit down cus i could go on for ages in literalky gonna WRITE A FUCKING BIOGRAPHY ONE DAY IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED I GOT NO FUCKING WHERE TO VENT GOD I HATW MY FAMILY I GET IT HAVING AN ASIAN ANTIBLACK CLASSIST HOMOPHPBIC FAMILY WOULD BE BAD TOO BUT LIKE....... at least it would be my family at least they would look like me and not be racist against me?

and what makes me the most sad is that my adoptive family is still better than like 90% the only difference eis that most adoptees dont dare to ”come out” like this, criticizing their own adoption bc ffs we’re terrified of being abandoned. its just....... theyre so fucing dumb. they dont know shit about racism or adoption and like.... thats kinda essential. no one repsects me in this family except for my mom but shes a fucking coward, always in the middle. everyone else talks down on me and i didnt notice like YESTERDAY DURING MY LAST BREAKDOWN THAT WASNT ABT ADOPTION BUT WAS ABT MY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DAD AND HOW I REALIZED HE ALWAYS TREATED ME AND MY SISTER LILE SHIT AND BLAMES MY TRAUMA ON ME SO NOW MY WHOLE FAMILY TREATS MW LIKE A PROBLEMATIC WEIRD KID

i want to leave this family so sad but i dont have any friends cus im too mentally unstable to keep friends and i also have a little sister i need to protest but FOR FUCKSS SAKE TOURE RUCKING 15 AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BISEXUAL IS like im so done with her too, ive proteced her so much, just because i WAS the angry problematic kid i ALWAYS took the fights for thet cus shes a scared rabbit but she never give me a thank you, never says she appreciates it, always throwing me under the bus when dad accuse us of something and i used to accept it cus i know she was too scared of him BUT AGTER ALL THIS TIME AFTER EVERYTHING IVE DONE FOR HER SHES FUCKING 15 SHE KNOWS I HAVE HER BACK IVE BEEN PRTOEVTING HER EVER SINCE THEIR DIVORCE WHEB OUR GROWN ASS ADULT 21+ BROTHERS LEFT US AND I WAS LIKE FUCKING 11 YEARS OLD I PROTECETED HER AND I NEVER GET ANYTHING AND IF I STOP TALKING TO HER SHE WONT EVWR TALK TO ME BECAUSE THATS HOW ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS WORK

i lost all respect for my brother. i knew he was a racist dumbass but like.... he really sig there and laugh and accuse me and guilt trips me when i tell him his dumb ignorant ass is the reason i want o die. this is why i wanna fake my suicide so i can revenge them but i also dont cus then i’d just give in and be one of all those adoptees who commoted suicide and whos gonna fight for them IF NOT ME CUS I ALWAYS DO FKN EVERYTHING. this is also why i low key think i got bpd or smth cus i always want to kill ppl like my family or myself or why not BOTH

cant wait for tomorrow where i have to face everyone and were gonna pretend like NOTHING happened. you know why i came here with my mom and visited??? BECAUSE I WANTED TO TAKE A PAUSE FROM MY DAD AFTER THE SIMILAR SUICIDE THREATENING PANOC ATTACK FIGHT I HAD LIKE YESTERDAY

i just gotta accept tjat my family is totally shit right? i just gotta live through it? this is why i never wanna have kids in sweden. like yeah i’ll probably still be in contact cus im only human, i love my parents and my family ofc.... but like........ I AM NOT TRUSTING THEM. MY REAL FAMILY IS HONESTLY OTHER WOC ONLINE AND OTHER TRANSRACIAL ADOPTEES (the smart oens not the whitewashed ones i try not to blame them but im really fkn tired lf having to protest them and clean up and defend them)

i remember when i was like this every single day....... i DONT WANT IT TO COME BACK IM SO TIRED HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO THREATEN WITH SUICIDE AND SHIT FOR MY FAMILY TO LIEK..... TAKE ME SERIOSULY NO ONE EVER HELPS ME I EVEN GAVE UP ON MY PARENTS I WANTED THEM TO READ ON RACISM BUT THEY REFUSED AT ELAST MY DAD, SO I KNOW I ONLY GO WITH STOP TRIGGERING ME BUT LIEK...... IVE THOUGHT SO MICH FOR MY MOM TO BE QHERE SHW IS TODAY WHOCH IS LIKE THIS COWARD BUT AT LEAST SHE CLMFLRTS ME AFTERWARDS AND IM TOO TIRED TO HAVE TO CONVERT AND EDUCATED MY WHOLE FKN FAMILY WHEN THEY DONT DO SHIT TO LEARN FOR ME

i just gotta smile and wave and pretend to love my brother when he didnt do shit when they divorced, mom got ptsd and i went through AT LEAST A THIRD ABANDONMENT, and he doesnt do shit now all he thinks about is how i accuse him of being racist cus he doesnt understand systems and structures which i blamed it on but tbh he’s the famiöy’s racist he really is hems always been cus hes so fkn stupid he’s joked abt muslims and chinese and black ppl and everything im only pretending its the systematic so my mom doesnt get angry lmao but he.... IS..... not ONLY like all the other white people..... but he IS...... for real

and giys..... i left so much of my anger out in this post cus im too tired and mt phone is gonna die but that vreqkdown i had recently....... i wrote like 50+ posts and theyre SOOOOO LONG and also more wellwritten im just saying to give you a perspektivet of how ISOLATED AND DESPERATE I AM IM DESPERATE BITCHES I HINESTLY THINK IM GONNA DIE IF I KEEP STAYONG HERE I WANT TO ASIA I WANT TO SOMEWEHRE MULTICULTURAL I WANT FRIENDS I AM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM DYING IM DYING AND IF IM DYING IM GONNA BRING DOWN MY WHOLE FAMILY AND EVERY WHITE PERSON AND EVERY NON ADOPTEE WITH ME