#im still bitter that so much joy was taken from me and ive had to claw it back

[finagled]

so speaking to my mom on the phone this morning, i asked her something ive asked her before, but im always hungry for more details.

'what was i like as a kid?'

i dont remember what i was like before 20 or so

so i ask her again, only this time, she asks me a follow up question.

'which ages are we talking?'

i like this answer. shes engaged with me. i like moments like these, where i feel like im actually speaking to my mother, and shes actually hearing me. usually it feels like im being written off.

'what was i like when we lived in south dakota, and compared to how i was when we moved?'

we lived in south dakota until i was seven. after around my seventh birthday, i was bombarded with thing after thing after thing until i was a different child, she's told me before.

she tells me something similar, but i get more details this time around.

when we lived in south dakota, she tells me, i was very happy. i had an abundance of energy and curiosity, i never ran out of things to say, and i was convinced to make friends with anybody i saw. i was really outgoing, she tells me.

she cant see me, but im nodding along.

i remember these times. life really was idyllic, from my point of view. i had two loving parents, and we lived in a pretty nice house in a beautiful neighborhood. i had a baby sister i adored, a dog and a cat, a swing set and a bike. i had friends in the neighborhood, at school, in girl scouts, at gymnastics. i was active. i had so, so much fun. and i really was happy.

when i was seven a cascading series of events turned everything i knew over, and the catalyst was the day i remember a knock at the door.

when i answered, i was met with a tall, lanky man who looked unfamiliar to me. but he was happy to see me, so i suppose i was happy to see him.

this was my dad, they told me.

i remember not really understanding. what do you mean, this is my dad?

i have a dad, he's right there.

but this is my real dad, they said. we were going to go hang out for a bit, so we did. he took me to the mall to play in the arcade, he took me to the fair, and i had fun.

this is my brother, he told me. this made me happy. i really like family, i was happy to have more. he was a little older than my baby sister. i havent talked to him in over ten years at this point, but thats a story for another time.

things were strange and new, but i still had fun.

that fall, i started at a new school.

my mother had gotten out of the air force and it wasn't convenient to drive me to my old school by the base, so i started taking the bus to school. i really didnt like it, leaving all of my friends at school. but id make new friends, i thought.

school wasnt very fun from that point, i had a hard time making friends. i didnt have to experience that long. a couple months into the school year, my mom told me we were moving to california.

so we loaded everything up. my grandmother flew out to help us make the drive. we took the cat, and left the dog and fish. my mother, grandmother, sister, and i began the couple days drive to the west coast.

nobody told me my dad, the one i had always known as my dad, would never be coming with us.

i ask my mom what i was like after we moved.

i grieve the person i was before, because i never got to be them again, and i dont know who they are anymore. i miss them, and im trying to get back.

she says i changed.

i no longer made friends. i came home crying from school every day. every day. when, months later, my mother finally told me that she and my dad were divorcing and he was never coming to california with us, i was crushed. my mom took a job in san diego, about an hour commute, and so i began to barely see her.

my new school was really bad.

i dont know why i was made the target. maybe it was the speech impediment. maybe its because im neurodivergent, and they could pick up on it, maybe in ways younger kids couldn't. maybe it was because i was one race, and that race was by and large a minority in this school.

all i know is my entire class bullied me. the teachers were complicit. the administration was complicit. and i was a little kid who was so scared.

one day in third grade, my mom finally got the chance to come to an open house. i was so excited, she didn't get to come to the school often. it was hard to get off work.

this next bit i dont remember, this is a story she told me. my heart breaks for the child that had to endure this.

we walked into my open house and the entire class, in unison, turned and faced us and exclaimed, "Ew, it's ____!"

and then... everyone just went back to the open house. all the children, all their parents, the teacher, like nothing had happened. even me. everyone except for my mother, who looked on in horror as she tried to process what had just happened.

she didn't say anything. she made it through the open house. ig bc i was so happy to have her there and she didnt want to ruin it.

she phone the administration the next school day. this was not the first time she had called. she demanded to know why nothing was being done about this.

the principal told her that maybe if i didnt wear dirty clothes to school, i wouldn't get picked on.

as if it was my fault.

im sorry, i really loved that casper hoodie. it wasn't dirty, it was just stained, and i loved it, and it was not a valid reason to make me feel like scum.

leading up to this, i had a rough go of it. the summer before third grade i had inexplicably gained a lot of weight, which just egged the kids on more. i cried at school, so they made fun of me for that.

after that open house and that phone call with the principal, my mom pulled me out of the rest of the school year.

i returned at some point for a field trip, where the kids were eerily nice to me, but they couldn't take back how they made me feel.

i wish this was something that only happened at school, but it didn't. in my neighborhood, kids i thought were my friends eventually started bullying me, too. i remember one valentines day in particular, i went to a friends house, only to be ambushed by the neighborhood boys who hid in trash cans to surprise me and they all started pelting me with spiky Sweet Gum balls.

this wasnt the worst thing to happen in that neighborhood.

all of this to say, by the time i finally moved to a new district for 4th grade, i had a lot of emotional problems. something she told me today is that i had a deal with my new teacher, that i would get a prize if i could make it to the end of the day without crying.

i wonder then... if she saw me cry so much, why did my mom never get me help?

[mykindoffairytale]

This year

This year has been an absolute nightmare, from undergoing the trenches that was KKH paeds, absolutely fearful of the coming day, to loving and being proud of myself that I actually made it. Remebered the blurry mornings, the painful history takings, my seniors slogging it out with me, kind seniors and those that hated my guts. I remembered being somewhat happy when things started becoming better, of course I loved the prerounding. Even managed a Sasha Sloan concert midway through. Then it was Taiwan, that was pretty meh but also pretty glorious.

Onto GS, where I was enjoying myself very much the first few months before everything came crumbling down, slowly but surely. Regretful actions were made but I'd generally attribute that to the wrong crowd- GS was definitely full of the absolute wrongest people. Made it to Laufey, made it to indo once again, and finally went to Uk. Saw glasgow who held my heart since I left, but going back I realised I had taken all she had to offer. Every month, mistakes were made, plenty of I wish I didnt say that till the very end. Thankful for everyone that loved me and stood by, and thankful for myself for never giving up on me.

Then very quickly it was NPL, that was spent lazing around, Jakarta, Seoul- which was greatly healing, and Bali- Labuan Bajo. The latter of which carried news Ive always dreamt of in nightmares, waking up in tears, safely forgetting the pain that I have dreamt. However, this time the pain was much to real, till now I try not to think about it, because I wish you had been kinder- especially because I had loved you so. Sadly it was towards the end, when I came home that I realised how bitter you were, and how although you provided, I was never your pride and joy. But by this time I knew how much I had laboured, and how much I had thought of/for you. Giving up quite abit of indulgence from guilt, stressing from the concept of "limited wealth" you had put in my head. No doubt I am ever thankful that you had given me a once in a lifetime experience - that was the best in my life. But at the end of it, my sadness was quickly blunted by self-preservation, I remembered your cutting words, my earnest love, your great providence and the joy of your presence. At the end, I'd call it even- not your lifetime full of contributions and the shortness of mine, but in general the positive influence you had on my life, although I wished you were more and myself slightly "less". I still miss waking you for snacks, thankful for your ever peaceful departure. Thank you for Malaysia and Glasgow.

Oh I forgot about Vietnam, the food great, the company peaceful. My alternative sister from different parents.

Oh I too forgot about Nik, who has been a steady source of comfort on work days, thankful we got to grow together, again its not about counting the gives and the takes, not about giving what you got, but a giving from what God has given to us.

The end of the year in Cardio has been the best so far, Cardio was a soft landing spot into the realm of MO ship, Ive gone to more services, exercise classes and received an exceeding amount of grace despite my underperforming ass. Im reconsidering IM because of her, but also very aware of what stands ahead. Nothing much has changed, the motion remains very much the same, fear-grace-growth, sprinkled with regret here and there.

The proposal this year was too a highlight- true love, girlhood. Definitely felt the love, and for an all too deserving couple <3

These moments of quiet reflection come less frequently, expecially with baseline "anxiety" and lack of spirituality. Thankful that pondering over money has gotten me here.

Looking forward to a better year next year, with more looking to Jesus rather than the ways of this world.

[cosmically-alive]

i hold this video dear in my heart for very different reasons than i used to. i used to hold it dear to my heart because it was one of few times i felt that the person i loved had admired me. now i love it because im seeing myself through those eyes, full of admiration for myself, full of bittersweetness at how much i miss her... her who saw the world full of beauty and hope and saw the best in people, but also full of pride for the person ive become, how ive persevered through so much and still manage to hold on to an inkling of her, of who i used to be.

how although ive had to put my pieces back into place, and how i can tell i'll never have her again, i'll never BE her again, i have finally started to feel some of her with me, buried, but she's in there and she sends me little pangs of hope and sweetness and laughter. and she soothes me when im angry and bitter and hurt and feel broken and want to tear at the seams..soothes me when i want him to hurt how he did me. she reminds me to love people, to romanticize my life, because thats always been part of me and no one can take it away from me.

i realize now i've been fighting the most for her... to bring HER back.. the nights ive cried and told my therapist i want to be happy again, the time ive spent feeling like something is out of place has all been because i lost her, no, because she was taken from me, stripped. i raised my younger cousin telling her made up fantasy stories that we would then play pretend of. we'd be princesses, warriors, fairies, villains... the patio of my grandparents house would burst with color and breeze and otherworldliness. in summers when i'd spend time at my family's beach apartment with my parents i would swim in the pool by myself and pretend, genuinely imagine, a sea of mermaids and talking sea animals, the world was bright, playful, warm

and the more i grew the more i felt i had to leave this behind, to tether myself to a reality of grey... the same sinking feeling that convinced me when i was with the person who was bringing me down most that that's normal, that that grey and sinking feeling is part of adulthood

i watch that video and it warms my heart to see her, to know that at least in that moment she felt happy, and loved, and admired. i want that for her again. i want that for me too. i may be more prickly, less trusting, hurt, bitter, angry at the world but i, we, deserve happiness regardless. she's with me and always will be. and although i wont be what she was anymore, she taught me so much love and understanding and beauty... she taught me to live my life because its the one chance i get to be cosmically alive. she taught me to see a world beyond the one i live in, to imagine, to escape. she taught me to love and to do so unconditionally, with a huge cowarding fear of rejection and abandonment, but nevertheless unconditionally. she taught me to smile, and to be loud... as if being quiet would make the cosmos forget her existence. she taught me to laugh and to hurt when my presence bothered others because she only wanted joy for those around her even when she didn't know how to bring it

and i will fight for her. i will fight for the pieces of her that no one was able to take from me, that are still here with me. by god im gonna fight for her if its the last thing i do. and with my newfound prickliness and lack of trust, with my newfound anger and fire and frustrations, i will protect her. and maybe one day both our wounds will heal enough to meld us back together again. maybe one day i'll fully feel her again, here with me. till then. i'll fight

[watchmegetobsessed]

VALERIE - Part IV. (Harry Styles)

hello loves!! thank you so much for the feedbacks on the previous part, i love to see your thoughts at reactions so please keep them coming for the upcoming parts as well! i was informed that the posts weren’t showing up under the hashtags bc i had an extrernal link to the spotify playlist, so that won’t be available in the next parts, but you’ll always be able to find it in the masterpost if you’d like to give it a listen! those were the songs i listened to while writing the story! now, i dont want to keep you up any longer, here is part 4, one of my personal favs, and im excitedly waiting for your feedbacks on the post! have a wonderful reading!

word count: 4.5k

SERIES MASTERPOST

masterlist

Valerie is curiously watching her dad work on the portable bed they’ve brought over for the night, her little hands clutching onto Rosa’s shirt as she is telling you all about the list she has made for you. It’s not a long one, but you try to focus on every word she says, making sure you won’t mess anything up.

“I put an X behind the important ones,” she explains pointing at the paper and you nod, eyes roaming down on the few X’s on the list. “The other ones are just suggestions, things I thought you should know.

“Got it,” you nod again, biting into your bottom lip. Bath time, feeding, sleep time, everything is covered in the list and you’re happy she even mentioned the smallest details. Some things might be natural for her as she’s been doing it for months, but it’s your first time completely alone with a baby. You surely don’t want to mess this up, especially because you want her to trust you and let you look after Valerie more often. They deserve a break now and then.

Steven finishes the bed and backs out a few stuffed animals along with two blankets into it, making it look cozy and familiar for Val.

“But most importantly,” Rosa starts and you look her in the eyes. “Call us anytime if you need help or want us to take her home, and I mean it.”

“Not gonna happen,” you shake your head, earning a sigh from your sister.

“Y/N, I’m serious. We are thankful for the help, but it’s not your duty, alright? Just call us anytime, really.”

Nodding your head you flash a smile at her, knowing well nothing on Earth is gonna make you call them tonight. Okay, maybe there are some cases when you would call, but those are quite unlikely to happen.

She hands Valerie over who curiously eyes you before grabbing a handful of your shirt and making herself busy with the fabric.

“It’s gonna be fine. Have a great night, you deserve it,” you smile at them. Steven straightens up and curls an arm around Rosa’s waist as they watch Val in awe, clearly a little worried they are gonna spend an entire night without her, but you can tell they also can’t wait for some alone time.

“Alright, we should get going,” Rosa sighs and stepping closer she kisses Valerie’s head and then your cheek as well. “Have fun with your aunty! We’ll be back for you in the morning, Sweetie.”

She runs her hand over her little head and Valerie smiles at her happily, completely oblivious to what’s really happening. The joys of being just a baby!

Steven says goodbye to her as well and you all head to the door. 

“So, we’ll be here around eight, she is usually up by six. Do you want us to pick her up sooner?” Rosa asks standing at the front door.

“Sooner? I was about to tell you to sleep a little longer, you don’t have to come so early.”

“But we don’t want to take away your whole day, you need to rest too,” Steven explains, worry all over his face.

“Stop worrying about me, I’ll be fine. Just enjoy your night off! Come on, I’m throwing you guys out, time for the sleepover to start,” you tell them, shushing them out the door. 

It takes some time to finally get them to leave, but they eventually do. Then it’s just the two of you, alone for the first time.

“Ready for your first sleepover, Val?” you ask her, standing in the hallway of your apartment. She just stares back at you, saliva drooling from her mouth but even that looks cute on her. “Alright, let’s do this.”

You braced yourself for the worst. Thought about all the possibilities how the evening would go, but you hoped they wouldn't become reality. Unfortunately, baby Valerie had different plans for the two of you.

The first hour goes by fine. You feed her, have a little play time, reading her favorite book to her, but slowly, you notice her losing interest in anything and everything. Soon enough, you see her face distort into a grimace and a few moments later she starts crying and it’s straight downhill from there. 

Nothing can get her to stop. No food, no toy, absolutely nothing. You clown around, trying everything that pops into your mind that would calm her down, but it doesn’t seem like she is about to stop anytime soon. 

You start to panic. Rosa told you how fussy she is because of her teeth coming, but you didn’t think it would be this bad. When she’s been crying for an entire hour straight, for a split second, you think about calling Rosa. 

“No, not gonna do that,” you say, while Val is still screaming in your arms. “Valerie, what do you want? Tell me and I’ll give it to you, I promise! Just please stop crying!” you whine desperately, but, no surprise, no answer comes from the screaming babe in your arms, just more tears, puffy eyes and red cheeks from all the crying she’s been doing.

Trying to rock her into calmness you are moving around in the apartment when you hear your phone ringing. You instantly think it’s gonna be Rosa, wanting to check in on you, but how are you gonna answer the call when Valeries is screaming from the top of her lungs? She’ll come to pick her up straight away, no doubt about that.

Rushing into the kitchen you are relieved to see that it’s just Harry calling you.

“It’s not the best of times, Styles,” you sigh as you answer the call and put him on the speaker, leaving the phone on the countertop, so you have both your hands free for Valerie.

“Hey, I was just-- what the fuck is happening?” he asks hearing the deadly cries of Val through the line. “Is that Valerie?”

“It is! I’m looking after her so Rosa and Steven can celebrate their anniversary, but she just wouldn’t stop crying! I don’t know what to do!” 

You’re absolutely desperate. It’s so bad you can feel your throat closing up, nearing the edge of your patience, tears threatening to roll down your cheeks, but you tell yourself only one of you can cry at a time and Val has taken that spot quite some time ago, not even giving you a moment to let loose.

“Text me your address, I’m leaving now,” he orders and you snap your head towards the phone.

“What? No, Harry--”

“Just text me the damn address, Y/N!” he barks and the line cuts off right away. 

Your desperation pairs with shock now, not knowing what to think about this short, but quite eventful conversation you just had with him. It takes you a few moments to collect your thoughts, but you end up sending him your address. 

Nothing changes in the twenty minutes while you are waiting to hear anything from Harry following your text to him. Valerie keeps crying with three seconds of pauses when she takes a few deep breaths only to start screaming once again. Aside from the headache she is causing you, it’s becoming pretty impressive how long she’s been doing it. You probably would have fainted by now, but it seems like Valerie is running on an endless battery.

“You are really making it hard for me to be a cool aunt, Val,” you mumble, the baby still in your arms as the tears keep rolling down her face. Your light grey shirt is now soaking wet, both from her tears and your sweat from the anxiety she is giving you, mixed with some other things you choose to ignore where they came from.

The doorbell makes you jump, but Valerie doesn’t even bat an eye at the sound, she just keeps going.

“You need to teach me how to have this much energy,” you mumble under your breath as you walk over to the door. 

Opening it you find yourself staring up at Harry who is wearing a brown coat, dark jeans and a black hoodie. If you had to guess what he was doing on this weekend evening you would have said he was out with friends somewhere, picking up girls, but he surely doesn’t look like he was anywhere else than his home, the clothes are hanging messily on his frame, like he just threw them on in a rush.

His green eyes look straight at you at first before moving over to the crying child in your arms. You fully expect him to say something along the lines of “this is the kind of effect you have on others” comment, but it seems like he notices the fear and despair in your eyes and he keeps his mouth shut.

“I honestly have no idea what to do,” you choke out and the tears start flowing from your eyes as well, making Harry have to deal with now two crying human beings.

“Oh my, please don’t cry, I can’t take two crying women at once,” Harry begs as he steps inside and shuts the door behind him. Turning to face you he reaches for Valerie, you hand her over to him, hoping she would magically stop the crying, but she clearly couldn’t care less.

“Why, can you take one?” you ask with a bitter chuckle as you wipe your cheeks.

“Not really,” he admits, making you smile. “So what have you tried?” he asks as he starts swaying and rocking Valerie in hopes of getting her to stop, but not even Harry’s charm stands a chance with her right now. Deep down you’re happy you weren’t the reason she got so fussy and upset, would have been pretty awkward if she stopped the moment Harry took her into his arms. 

“Literally everything,” you huff, shoulders falling forward. “I went over the list Rosa gave me, tried everything, but she wouldn’t stop. She’s teething, but this is… It seems like there might be something else maybe?” you tell him worried that something serious might be behind her behavior. You really don’t want to call and bother Rosa, but you are nearing the point where you’ll give up and ask for help.

“Maybe she needs to be changed?” Harry suggests holding her up, giving her butt a sniff, but you roll your eyes at him.

“You don’t think that was one of the first things I did? She is as clean as she could be. Maybe I should just call Rosa,” you sigh in defeat reaching for your phone but Harry snaps at you.

“No! Don’t, we can figure this out. Steven has been so excited to have a night off, we can’t ruin this for them. Come on, we have to have the slightest parenting skills and solve this without them.”

Nodding you agree with him, but you’ve completely run out of ideas.

“So what do you suggest?”

You can see the gears turning in Harry’s head as he is trying to come up with a plan, but it’s not like either of you have any experience with babies. The idea of calling Rosa is starting to burn in the back of your head, fear of failing this challenge taking over your thoughts.

Then Harry looks at you with a look that screams that he has an idea. You’re just about to ask what came into his mind when all of a sudden he starts to sing.

“Well, sometimes I go out by myself and I look across the water, and I think of all the things what you’re doing and in my head I paint a picture…”

You instantly recognize Amy Whinehouse’s iconic song, the one that’s also behind Valerie’s name, you know that for sure. Rosa was obsessed with the song growing up, she would sing it on the way to school, in the shower or while making dinner. You weren’t surprised she chose this name for her first daughter.

What surprises you that Harry sings like a literal angel. He hits the notes perfectly, nailing the lines like not many can and you listen to him with parted lips, eyebrows raised. This was the last thing you expected from him, but then again, it’s not the first time Harry has surprised you through the years of knowing him.

Valerie stops for a moment, her hiccups shaking through her body as her tear-filled eyes look up to Harry, and you both think this is gonna be the moment when she finally calms down, but he doesn’t even reach the chorus before she starts crying again, a defeated sigh erupting from him.

“Maybe she wants it instrumental,” you suggest and Harry gives you one of those ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ looks as you leave to run down the hallway, right into your bedroom.

“How am I supposed to make it instru-- what the hell, Y/N?!” He gives you a weirded out look when you return with a guitar in your hands. “Since when do you play the guitar?” 

“Since like… eighth grade,” you tell him as you sit on the couch and holding the guitar on your lap you try to find the right accords. “I told you, you know nothing about me.”

Harry nods with a surprised but amazed look on his face as your fingers strum against the chords. It takes a few minutes but you figure it out and glancing up you give a questioning look to Harry.

“From the start?” you ask and he nods his head, continuously bouncing up and down to try to calm Val down.

You start playing the song and soon enough Harry joins you with the singing, the two of you perfectly nailing it even without any practice.

“Stop makin’ a fool out of me, why don’t you come on over, Valerie?”

Maybe it’s the guitar, maybe it’s the singing or maybe the fact that the song has her name in it, but by the time you reach the halfway point in the song Valerie’s crying slowly starts to fade. You instantly share a look with Harry, but don’t stop, fearing that she might start again if the music stops. 

Her tear soaked cheeks smooth out as she is not screaming anymore and you can actually see her irises finally, her long lashes are sticking together from the salty tears and you know it’s gonna take some time for her to regain her normal state, but at least the crying has stopped. 

“‘Cause since I’ve come on home, well, my body’s been a mess. And I’ve missed your ginger hair and the way you like to dress…”

You tear your eyes off Valerie for a second, letting yourself wander over Harry’s features as he sings. He slightly furrows his eyebrows focusing on the lines, so his forehead has a few creases on it. His lips form the words so clearly and elegantly, you wonder how often he sings. Is it something he only does when he is on his own or he likes to perform as well? 

The only time when you heard him sing was at the bar when the two of you slayed the karaoke machine with that Avril Lavigne song. You were smashed by then, you remember that he had a nice voice but it was the last thing you paid attention to. Besides, he was kind of equally drunk as you, it was all for just fun, but now is a completely different situation. 

It’s no surprise Valerie finds his voice soothing, you’d probably stop whatever you were doing if you heard him sing. There are people with a good voice and then there are the ones that not just have a good voice but also that small something, that extra magic in them that makes you melt as their voice caress your ears. Harry is definitely the second case, for a moment you forget where you are or why he is there singing. It’s just his voice and the gentle strumming of your fingers on the chords. 

At the end of the song he starts repeating Valerie as the song slowly fades into nothing and you both stare at the little girl in his arms, clearly afraid she might start crying again. Unfortunately, your reservations become valid when you see the corners of her mouth curls down and you and Harry share a shocked look immediately.

“What else can you play?” he urges as Val whimpers in his arms, letting you know she does not appreciate that the singing has stopped. 

“Shit, shit! Um, something from ABBA?” you propose and Harry nods quickly, not even asking which song you know, so you take it as a sign that he probably knows all of them.

The first song that comes to your mind is Andante, Andante and you don’t hesitate to start playing again, just in time. Valerie was just about to start crying again, but as soon as the melody hit her little ears she calmed down and listened to it with tired looking eyes.

“Take it easy with me, please. Touch me gently like a summer evening breeze…” Harry sings the words and you can’t hold a smile back as he, once again, hits the notes just perfectly without missing a beat.

You’re convinced there’s not one person on Earth who has never heard a single Abba song, most of the population knows them by heart, but somehow you couldn’t really imagine Harry to be a person who knows the lyrics to the songs as well. But he does and sings it without messing it up even just once. It’s hard to imagine a younger version of Harry singing ABBA songs when they come on the radio, but the more you think about it the more the picture paints itself in your mind.

Valerie lays her head to Harry’s chest, stuffing her thumb into her mouth as she listens to the performance. She is probably enjoying the vibrance of his voice shaking through his chest and maybe this is what brings her the peace she’s been looking for all this time. Your heart skips a beat at the sight of them.

Harry glances at you, eyes so soft you melt under his gaze. However nerve wrecking it was to have Valerie scream for hours, she is still the cutest little thing ever as she rests her head on his chest, her long blinks giving it away she has definitely lost most of her energy. 

You don’t dare to stop the singing and playing. When you near the end of a song you quickly think of something else and whisper it over to Harry, who then gives his feedback on it with either a nod or a shake of his head. Most of the time he knows the songs you suggest so the show continues without a stop. 

Half an hour passes by when you see her eyes slowly closing. You still don’t stop though, only when Harry tries to listen to her breathing and he realizes that it was completely slowed down. She is out.

“Holy shit,” you breathe out quietly, your fingers feeling numb from the playing. You haven’t had a guitar in your hands for this long in a while, probably for years. Harry shares your relief, his throat has completely dried out and he is happy to finally breathe evenly, not just sneak a few breaths in between lines. 

“And now what?” he mouths as he is still gently swaying around with the sleeping Valerie in his arms. You put the guitar aside and check if she is for real asleep. Her long lashes are spread out on her puffy cheeks, gently snoozing into Harry’s chest as if she weren’t screaming for dear life just an hour ago. 

“Let’s put her down,” you whisper and nod at him to follow you. 

Reaching your bedroom you only switch your bedside lamp on so the light doesn’t wake her up. Pushing the stuffed animals to the side you grab the blankets and let Harry do the critical job. Leaning down he oh so slowly starts to pull her away from his chest, careful not to move too suddenly, it all feels like in those action movies when they are trying to get through the lasers without triggering the alarm. One bad move and the screaming threatens to start again and that’s the last thing you want, after all you’ve done to calm her down. 

You don’t even realize it but as you watch her little head reach the mattress you hold your breath, almost wincing upon seeing Harry’s hands slide out from under her sleeping frame. As if you wait for something to go wrong, both of you freeze for a moment, expecting her to start moving around and wake up, but she stays still. 

Eyes snapping up to Harry, you exchange a look and then you both head to the door, careful not to make any noise that can possibly shake Valerie up from her dreams.

“This was more tiring than running a marathon,” he huffs, throwing himself to the couch and you do the same next to him. 

“Have you ever run a marathon?”

“No,” he confidently answers and you look over at him with a puzzled look. “But I can imagine how tiring it is.”

You let out a chuckle, letting your eyes close for just a little bit. You haven’t even had the chance to realize how much this whole struggle with Val sucked the energy out of you, but now that you’re half lying on the couch it hits you all at once.

“I should get going,” you hear Harry mumble, clearly just as tired as you are, but he doesn’t move. 

“Mhm,” you hum, feeling yourself drift to sleep.

Neither of you moves and it doesn’t take a whole five minutes for the both of you to completely doze off.

The next time you wake up you feel an arm curled around your waist and someone is definitely pressed up against you while your back is against the back of the couch. It takes you a couple of moments and some blinking to realize it’s Harry you are all snuggled up to and the reason why you woke up is because Valerie is crying again. 

“Shit,” you mumble to yourself, mind still groggy from the sleep as you push yourself up on the couch. Just moments later Harry’s eyes flush open and you’re not sure it’s because of the crying or because you moved next to him. His arm slides off you as he looks around a little confused about his surroundings.

You don’t have the chance to think about how the two of you ended up cuddling on the couch, though it lingers in the back of your mind. Basically crawling over Harry you rush into your bedroom where Valerie is lying in her bed crying. It’s a different kind of cry, not like the one you were stuck with for hours before and you know she must be hungry.

“Ah, come on, little girl. It’s alright,” you coo at her scooping her into your arms. She immediately cuddles to your chest hiccupping against it, her little hands fisting your shirt. You leave to go to the kitchen and feed her, but just as you’re about to step out of the room you bump into Harry.

You bounce back from his chest, but his hand immediately reaches for you and grabs your arm, holding you in case you might fall back.

“Sorry,” you breathe out, thoughts still foggy a little. “She’s… hungry,” you explain, but he is standing so close to you, you can feel his body’s warmth and it instantly ignites the memory of being pressed against his side on the couch just moments ago and you can’t stop yourself from inhaling a shaky breath. 

“Let me help,” he croaks out and the two of you walk into the kitchen. Putting on her bib you hand her over to Harry who sits with her on his lap on a stoop as you get the baby food, warm it a little before joining the two of them and you slowly start feeding her.

“What time is it?” you ask realizing you have no idea how long you two have been asleep on the couch.

“It’s three am,” Harry answers before smiling down at Val. “Good job, Val!” he hums watching her take the spoon into her mouth.

You finish up feeding her, then give a try at burping her even though Rosa said it’s not necessary anymore. She just hums to herself so you head back to the bedroom, her eyes already threatening to close. By the time you put her back to the bed she is out again, so no private show is needed this time.

Walking out of the room you see Harry putting on his shoes and coat. For a split second you feel disappointed that he is leaving, but then your rational side puts you to your place. Of course he is leaving! Val is fine now, there’s no other reason for him to stay, right?

“Harry,” you softly say and he looks at you. “Can you please not tell Rosa and Steven that I needed help with Val?” you quietly ask, though there’s no doubt your eyes are practically begging him.

“No way I’ll ever admit to Steven that I sang ABBA to his child, so don’t worry about it,” he chuckles making you smile as well. 

“Thank you. And for helping me as well. I was really close to giving it up,” you admit folding your arms on your chest as Harry stands at the front door, hand on the door knob as he is looking back at you.

“No problem. Now you owe me one,” he smirks and you can’t hold yourself back from rolling your eyes.

“Sure,” you say with an airy chuckle. “Good night, Harry.”

“Good night, Y/N,” he smiles at you sweetly before opening the door and walking out. 

You take his place at the door and watch him walk down the eerily quiet hallway. He turns back to you one last time waving in your way and you nod back smiling before he disappears around the corner.

Closing the door you lean your back against it, taking a deep breath. Your eyes wander over to the couch where you and Harry were sleeping not so long ago. The feeling of his arm around you is still burned into your mind and you breathe in shakily as a memory snaps into your head of the exact same thing, only years earlier.

You lied almost exactly like that in his hotel room that night. His strong arms wrapped around you as you had your head laid on his chest, listening to his heartbeat that was slightly faster than the normal. Though you were still quite drunk, this feeling imprinted into your memories, because you felt so safe with him. Like nothing could ever hurt you if he was there with you.

Unfortunately, that feeling faded into nothing when you woke up in the morning quite fast. But this time, instead of disappointment and disgust, the only thing you still feel is the emptiness at the lack of his touch. 

PREVIOUS PART

NEXT PART

TAGLIST

let me know if you’d like to be added or taken off!

@f-vasquezp​ @perspnhel​ @http-cherries​  @h-arrystyles​ @just-damn-bored​ @millennial-teenybopper​ @sarcasticallywitty15​ @gwenlovesharrystyles​ @perfectywrong​ @do-youseeme​ @burberryharold​  

[kyukun]

Club Jealousy (OumaSai)

summary:  After a night of clubbing, a flirty conversation with stranger, and a few spilt drinks, Kokichi had seemingly found himself in a predicament. Who would’ve guessed Shuichi would be the culprit of it all?

notes: hihi! this is my first one shot ive posted on here!! ive also posted this on my ao3. im a huge sucker for jealous shuichi so i hope you enjoy :33

starts after cut!

“Shumai, come on! You have to go with us! It’ll be so much fun!” He exclaimed, his eyes sparkling with joy. Shuichi leaned back a bit, taken by surprise by his intensity. Kokichi had been begging him for months so join him and the others when they go clubbing. And now that he’s of the legal drinking age, that begging has only increased. Shuichi wasn’t much of a drinker. The first time he tried alcohol, he didn’t like the bitter taste it gave off. He didn’t get how Kokichi could down a whole bottle without gagging. He guessed it just wasn’t for him.

Shuichi bit his lip, staring down at Kokichi who had been glaring him down since he entered the room. His cheeks grew a tad flushed from the close proximity they were in. His eyes averted to the side, “Why? You know I don’t like alcohol.” He finally spoke, his throat cracking a bit. Kokichi frowned. He stepped down from his toes, moving into a crossed arm stance. He felt his body become colder as he moved away. His heart was now at rest as it, thankfully, had begun beating slower.

“I know that! They have fruity drinks too that I’m sure you’ll like. Just— please . Please come? For me?” His arms unfolded as his shoulders had begun to seemingly shrink. His lips had curled themselves into a pleading quiver. Shuichi could barely keep his eyes on him at this point. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to turn Kokichi down now. Not with the way he’s looking at him. A few silent moments had passed before a loud, exasperated sigh escaped Shuichi’s lips. “Ugh, fine! I’ll go…” Shuichi was always a sucker for those puppy dog eyes Kokichi gave. It was his ultimate weakness.

Once those amethyst eyes matched with his, he could feel his body shut down and go into autopilot; he had no control over his heart in those moments. It was as though Ouma knew that too. Kokichi grinned, his eyes leaving behind creases near his lids. “Yay!” He jumped up, wrapping his hands around Shuichi’s neck. Shuichi tumbled a bit at the sudden movement just before he could steady himself. He grew totally helpless, melting into the warmth beneath him. His arms moved towards his back, hugging the body back with ease. A smile had crept its way onto his lips before he could protest any further. “And you’ll drink?”

“A bit, yeah.”

“Good.”

Shuichi sent him a reassuring smile.

“Okay, I’ll get going now. I’ll text you the address, just be sure to be ready.”

His arms released him, his shoulders now feeling bare. Kokichi’s grin remained untouched as his face inched away from the male, his usual shorter stature returning. He shot Shuichi finger guns, sending him a wink. Shuichi’s cheeks grew heated once more as he waved him goodbye. “Okay, I will. Thanks.” Kokichi made his way out of the door, his windows shaking a bit from the door being shut.

Well, this was great.

At least he’d be with Kokichi. To him, that’s all that really mattered. He didn’t mind if he drank a bit but it would be worth it to see Kokichi smiling and having a fun time. His smile was contagious. Shuichi sighed, checking the time on his phone. He headed upstairs and decided to get dressed.

-

Music blasted from every corner. The club was surrounded by lights and swarms of people. The group entered excitedly, each and everyone of them smiling like there’s no tomorrow. Kaede leads the group, pointing to a table near the bar. “Over there!” The group could barely hear her over the loud music but understood what she meant when she had begun to move towards the table’s direction.

Shuichi couldn’t help but stare at Kokichi. The fluorescent lights hit his face so nicely, giving him a beautiful and youthful glow. His heart jumped as he noticed the boy smile so happily. This was definitely worth it. The group grabbed their seats, even taking a few from empty tables since they didn’t have enough. “Let’s get drinks?” Kaede recommended, pointing to the bar beside them. Majority of the group nodded or verbally answered, while Shuichi remained silent. The blonde smiled, standing up from her seat, her dress sliding down a bit. Shuichi remained still as he watched the group all stand up and get their respective drinks, all except for Kokichi.

He stayed, his eyes practically glued on him. Shuichi thanked god that the room was dimly lit. “Aren’t you getting something, Kokichi?”

“Nah, I kinda feel a bit icky so I think I’ll wait.”

His elbows placed themselves on the table top, his fingers making a bridge to hold his cheek as he continued staring at Shuichi. “You don’t have to lie, Kokichi.” He felt guilt pool at the bottom of his stomach. In actuality, he was technically lying to Kokichi, wasn’t he? He did say he was going to drink after all. Kokichi shot him a halfhearted smile, “Hehe, caught again.”

They shared a moment of comfortable silence before Kokichi finally spoke up. “Hey, Shumai.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you’re comfortable?”

He hesitated, biting his lip. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Really? You don’t look like you’re "fine.”“ He should’ve known that Kokichi would’ve caught on to his act. It scared him how well he could read people. The music boomed in his ears, different genres of songs played over and over again. He felt dizzy. Before Shuichi could open his mouth, the group had came back. They all had drinks in their hands, some full and some half full. Shuichi felt himself shrink in his seat as the group made their way to the table.

Rantaro, seemingly tipsy already, nudged Shuichi on the side with a sleek smile. "Hey, Shuichi. Aren’t you getting something? Want some of mine?” The green haired male offered his beverage towards Shuichi, the smell intoxicating his nose before it could even get near his face. Shuichi grew increasingly uncomfortable, and Kokichi could see it. “Leave him alone, Amami.” Kokichi stepped in, inching his sit closer to Shuichi to push Rantaro’s drink away.

He gave an apologetic smile, throwing his hands in the air to show he’d do as told. Kokichi nudged Shuichi lightly to show he had his back. Shuichi smiled back the boy to let him know he was okay. “Guess I’ll go get mine. You guys leave Shumai alone or else I’ll beat your ass! Remember, I’m an evil leader!” He waved off to the group before reluctantly leaving.

Shuichi’s heart grew warm. He never knew that Kokichi would be so protective of him. His heart raced as he traced back to a few minutes ago. Now that he’s thought about it, Kokichi never really pressures Shuichi to do things he doesn’t want to do. He’s patient with him and understanding. He may not always show it but he really appreciated that. Maybe it was time for him to at least keep his promise?

Shuichi tapped Rantaro, briefly interrupting him and his talk with Miu who was already on her fifth drink. His action brought the attention of everyone at the table. His lips moved into a smile, “Mind if I get a drink?” The table cheered at his sudden change of heart. Kaede and Kaito had begun drumming on the table excitedly while Miu screamed at the top of her lungs with joy. “Finally, Pooichi! ‘Bout time you take a few shots with us, you fucking lameass!”

Shuichi couldn’t help but let out a nervous laugh as Rantaro handed him the glass. He held the drink in his hand, giving it a quick sniff. It didn’t smell too bad, not like the first drinks he’s had. Shuichi gulped, glancing around at his group of friends as all of their eyes were on him. “Do it! Do it! Do it!” They had all began to chant slowly. The pressure increased on him. His heart had been filled with adrenaline. Fuck it.

Without a second thought, he tossed the entirety of the glass’ contents into his mouth and down his throat. The fruity yet somewhat bitter drink fizzed down in his stomach. It tasted like juice, except it was more fuzzy and bubbly inside of him. The table cheered him on, even giving him a few slaps on the shoulder for his effort. Shuichi wiped his mouth, a grin on his lips. This one didn’t actually taste that bad. He wouldn’t mind another glass of that.

“Kokichi’s been gone awhile. I wonder if he’s okay?”

Kaede nudged him lightly, “Why don’t you go check on him, lover boy?” She winked at him suggestively. Her comment made Shuichi blush, embarrassed by his other friends who were acting like a bunch of middle school girls at a sleepover. “Rantaro, what was that drink you had? I think I’ll get another one.” Shuichi asked, completely ignoring Kaede’s previous comment. He laughed, “Flyin’ Hawaiian.”

Shuichi felt like giggling. Why did alcohols have such funny names?

He nodded and shot up from his seat, stumbling over a bit. He let out a few messy giggles before reassuring everyone he was okay. “Go get him, Shu!” Kaito yelled from across the club as his now “slightly” drunken legs had carried him across to the bar. Shuichi flipped Kaito off, a drunken laugh escaping him. Shuichi took an empty seat at the bar island. “One Flyin’ Hawaiian please.” A hiccup begged for an escape, but Shuichi swallowed it down before it could leave.

The bartender nodded, her hands already beginning to pour and make the drink. Shuichi took the opportunity to look around the scene. He could see multiple people dancing sloppily, their bodies heated and sweaty. The atmosphere seemingly had changed. He no longer felt uneasy. Oh no, he was damn proud of himself. He drank for god’s sakes! He never drinks. In fact, he felt so proud of himself, he wanted to share it with Kokichi. While the bartender was making his drink, he decided to look around for the missing purple haired male.

After a bit of searching, he finally spotted him. His cheeks were slightly flushed from the alcohol, but goddamn did he look cute. Shuichi’s head grew light as his feet had seemingly carried themselves over to him. He stopped in his tracks, only a few feet away from Ouma as he noticed a strange man walk in his direction. Shuichi furrowed his eyebrows, not sure who this man was or if he could be trusted. Shuichi got closer as he noticed the man begin to chat up Kokichi. He wasn’t close enough where he could be spotted but close enough to hear their conversation.

“Hey, mind if I buy you a drink?”

“Depends. If I accept said drink, will you expect something from me later?”

The man laughed, shaking his head. His eyes changed into a more flirtier glance. “Haha, it doesn’t have to. Unless, that’s what you want.” Shuichi heard the words the stranger spoke. Something inside him really didn’t like the way he stared at him like a piece of meat. It was gross. His stomach churned at the sight of the man as he placed his hands on his leg. Kokichi laughed nervously, taking another sip of his half empty glass. “So, what’s a pretty thing like you doing here alone?” He rubbed his thigh lustfully, clearly wanting to advance things further.

Shuichi didn’t like this guy. Who did he think he was? Kokichi was clearly uncomfortable. His lips sprouted into a pout, his arms crossed. “I’m not alone. I’m actually with a group of friends.” He chuckled softly, his eyes kept staring at his hand, waiting for him to move it. “Oh? So why are you drinking alone?”

“I have a lot on my mind. Look, you’re nice and all but I’m not really interested.”

“Oh come on. Don’t be like that. Besides, I’m sure your friends wouldn’t mind if we were to just sneak out of this place.” The man inched his way closer, his grubby hands contaminating Kokichi’s pure skin. Shuichi had nearly had enough. As his friend, he couldn’t let this man do this. Not now, not ever. Shuichi angrily stomped over to the pair. “I said no.”

The man laughed, his thumb now rubbing his bottom lip. “Just you wait. You’ll feel good in no time—”

Shuichi did the unthinkable. He grabbed a random discarded drink, dumping the rest of its contents on the disgusting pervert’s head. “He said no, so fuck off.” Shuichi didn’t know what was up with him. He rarely cursed. He didn’t know if it was due to the alcohol or the terrified look on Kokichi’s face that really grinded his gears. He wanted to make him hurt . He wanted to beat the living shit out of him for even laying a finger on Kokichi. Kokichi, with tearful eyes, looked up at a fuming Shuichi. Shuichi set the glass down as the man wiped the liquor from his eyes. “And who the hell are you?”

“I should be asking you that question.” Shuichi hissed as the man stood up. Despite the obvious height difference they had, Shuichi held his ground, remaining unfazed. “Why don’t you fuck off? Are you his boyfriend or something?”

“No, but that doesn’t mean I’ll allow you to lay your fucking hands on him. So, no. It’s you who should fuck off.” He challenged, his fists now balling, all of the anger he felt before revealing itself. Kokichi stood up so things wouldn’t escalate further. “O-okay, S-Shuichi, why don’t we just get out of here?” In all of Kokichi’s years of knowing Shuichi, he had never seen him so pissed. Even if Shuichi was a lot slimmer and shorter than the man, he was scared of what he’d do. Kokichi could smell the alcohol on him. He definitely needed to get them out fast. Kokichi wrapped his hands around his shoulder, tugging at it lightly as he urged him to leave. “Yeah—Let’s go.”

“Uh-huh. Not so fast. I’m not done talking to you get.” Before they could escape, the man had grabbed ahold of Kokichi’s arm, dragging him towards his body. His grip was strong and hurt a lot. “Ow…” He whimpered quietly, making sure to do it quietly, not wanting to set off Shuichi. “Fucking let him go. Right now.” He stepped forward, his hand wrapped around Kokichi’s other arm. He tugged him forward as the tension grew. Kokichi bit his lip, thanking god for his short height. He elbowed the man right in his crotch as hard as he could, his grip instantly loosening as he crippled over. He squirmed free, “Come on, hurry.” Kokichi grabbed Shuichi by the hand as he led him outside to the smoking area. Shuichi glanced down at his hand while they ran through the crowds of people. His heart raced loudly as his grey eyes remained fixated on their hands. His tiny, warm hands.

Kokichi opened the door, quickly glancing around to make sure the area was empty. Thankfully, it was. Before Shuichi could apologize, he was pushed against the wall by Kokichi. “What the fuck?! What were you thinking? Did you drink? You definitely drank! Alright, who gave it to you?! I’ll beat their ass right here, right now!”

“Kokichi—”

“No! You couldn’t be any more reckless! I do stupid shit, yeah, but you don’t have to up me! If anything, keep being your usual self. Don’t pull stunts like this, idiot!”

“Kokichi… Please let me talk.”

Kokichi inhaled deeply, trying to soothe himself. He moved his palm from the wall, crossing his arms. “Sorry, sorry. Go ahead.”

“I… I drank myself. It was my own choice to do it. No one forced me.”

“Really? Why? I thought you didn’t like alcohol.”

“I don’t.” He chuckled, giving Kokichi a softened smile. “I drank it because I promised you I would. What’s the point of going to a club if you’re not going to drink?”

Kokichi felt himself sink into a sea of guilt. He didn’t mean to pressure him into drinking. He would have been fine if he didn’t drink at all. “Why were you so angry earlier? That was so unlike you, Shumai.”

“I—I wasn't… angry… That bastard wouldn’t leave you alone.”

“Shumai. My beloved, sweet Shumai. You never curse like that. Were you by any chance jealous of him?” Was he? Shuichi knew he liked Kokichi— loved him really—but never experienced such intense emotions towards someone like that. Sure he felt a little jealous whenever he’d cling onto Rantaro or Kiibo but he knew (or at least he hoped,) that he didn’t like them in that way. Seeing someone totally new being all over Kokichi like that made him worry. It fucking scared him. What if Kokichi had actually liked him? What if they did something together and ended up falling in love? Shuichi didn’t like it. Who knew what this guy was like in reality?

“Shuichi, were you jealous? You’re taking awhile to answer.”

“Whatever; I’m not jealous.”

“You are! You totally are!” Kokichi giggled, shaking a know reddened Shuichi by his elbows. Kokichi opened up his clenched arms before replacing them with his own. “Shumai, you have no reason to be jealous. Wanna know why?” He asked, his eyes looking up at Shuichi. His chin was now resting on his chest, “Why?” He quietly questioned, his voice cracking a bit. He could honestly die of embarrassment. Right here, right now. In Kokichi’s arms. “Because,” Without any warning, Kokichi tiptoed his way to his face. Shuichi stared down at the grinning gremlin as he continued to grin from ear to ear. Kokichi pressed their lips together, making sure Shuichi couldn’t protest or stall him any further. Shuichi let out a surprised gasp as his eyes widened as he eventually melted into the kiss.

Wrapping his hands around Kokichi, he felt his tongue slip inside his mouth. He couldn’t believe he was kissing Kokichi, and he was kissing back. He couldn’t count how many times he’s dreamt of this exact moment and here he was, drunkenly kissing the love of his life. Kokichi pulled away for a breathe, licking his lips lustfully. Shuichi remained breathless as the boy wiped a bit of stray salvia from his chin. Kokichi made his way towards his ear, “Let’s get back to the others and continue this later.” Shuichi felt his warm breath on his ear, sending shivers down his spine. Shuichi blindly nodded, following Kokichi back inside still in a dazed state. Kokichi laughed lowly as he wrapped his hand around Shuichi’s.

Shuichi, for the first time his life, was thankful that he had drank alcohol.

[luxexhomines]

Hello! I was reading through your blog and wanted to ask if you could write for Tsumugi with a female S/O who is the Ultimate Witch? In or out of the V3 universe is fine. Thank you!

Hullo, anon! Thanks for the request!! Although Tsumugi isn’t my favorite character, I so enjoyed writing this. I put it out of the V3 universe, so there are no spoilers for anyone wondering. Wasn’t sure if you wanted the reader be doing “real magic” or magic tricks, so it’s a little vague, haha.Icon credit to 64pxs! Also wow my third request finished in one day although it’s past 1AM & technically a new day here now!

Guess I’d classify this as fluff, too. It’s not that long, so it’s not under the cut. Here you go!

Tsumugi x Female! Ultimate Witch! S/O

You knocked on her door and grasped the doorknob, fully intending to open it and peek in the gap, but your plans were abruptly foiled by her voice.

“Don’t even try,” she cackled. “The door’s locked and I’ve got a chair keeping it closed, you know?”

When you tried to turn it, it was true. It wouldn’t budge an inch.

“Oh, come on, Tsumugi!” You whine right outside the door, making sure she could hear you loud and clear. “I haven’t seen you leave that room for a third day now! I know that you’ve got snacks and a bathroom connected to your room, but that can’t be healthy,” you beg. “Please come out…”

Either she’s ignoring you, or she’s ignoring you. Two perfectly possible options. You could even hear her plaintively humming a random tune, a tune that seemed reminiscent of a folksong–but what did that matter now, when part of her reasons for doing so was to drown out the sound of you?

“Can I at least come in, Tsumugi?” You knock on the door again, but you’re soundly rejected.

“No! You’re not allowed in here for the rest of the week, even if I do come out of the room,” she says firmly.

She was getting strangely obsessive about hiding the contents of her room from you, and you were extremely worried. The only times she ever pulled stunts like this was when she hadn’t finished preparing a cosplay for a con coming up soon, but the problem was that there were no cons coming up soon. As you understood it, she had taken a leave from work to do whatever it was she was doing in that room, and you had no clue what was so important that she’d take a week off of work to do it. She thrived off of that income to make living wage and make cosplays in addition to all her the money from her sponsors.

You could only sigh at the plain white door and walk back to your own room, resigned to your lonely fate for the rest of the week. It was anyone’s guess what she was doing or why she was hiding it from you, including your own, despite being her girlfriend.

You supposed you’d go practice your magic for the upcoming magic show you were holding while Tsumugi did…whatever it was she was doing. There was no time to waste at her doorway, calling her name to a silent answer or pounding on the door in exasperation. 

You took a deep breath and gathered your focus for the first act, a rather simple attention-getter with birds flying from your sleeves like colorful ribbons spewing from them. Somehow, it was always the easiest magic that was easiest to mess up, so you ended up practicing the act for at least an hour, worried about the possibility of success in a live performance.

Falling back on the bed, you pant slightly in exertion. Who said magic was as easy as waving a wand? That’s only what magicians wanted other people to believe, after all. If the magician was dropping dead from exhaustion, no one would enjoy the show–no, it was much better for them to believe that the magician possessed unlimited amounts of mana and could continue performing magic for an entire day but just ended it at around an hour for the audience’s scheduling convenience.

But even magicians weren’t immortal. You decided to take a break and walked to the kitchen, grabbing a drink of water to hydrate yourself before returning to practice, throwing a bitter, yearning look toward Tsumugi’s closed door.

It was going to be a long week, just you and your magic.

On the day of the magic show, you hoped Tsumugi would emerge from her cave, maybe make an appearance. But it was fifteen minutes before the show, and she still hadn’t come.

You let out a sigh of disappointment and return to your dressing room as you pick at your ratty, ripped seams of what used to be a smart looking, black long-sleeved tailcoat and matching pencil skirt. You’d had it since your very first show, and you liked it very much, but it was ready to retire and had been for a while now.

In fact, you were surprised Tsumugi hadn’t commented on it–she usually would make note of any clothes you owned that were no longer serving a functional and aesthetic purpose and bring you out to buy new ones. Speaking of Tsumugi, your dressing room just burst open with a long, blue-haired girl in spectacles and carrying what looks like a newly pressed outfit in black.

“Tsumugi! You’re here,” you gasp. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

She rushes over to you, out of breath and frenetic.

“Oh, good, you’re in your dressing room! Take this,” she thrust the plastic protected outfit at you along with a box of what you assumed to be shoes. “Sorry I’m late, it took me so long to finish this. Go change, your show is starting in ten minutes!”

You look at her in confusion, but do as she asks. You’re used to her frantic nature, even if she was rather laidback most of the time. When you finish dressing, she claps her hands together in delight, and swooning.

“Oh, I knew you’d look great in this! I’ve had this idea for forever, I’m so happy I finally get to see you wear it. I can die happy now,” she declares passionately, almost drooling with excitement, her blue eyes glimmering brightly.

You examine the outfit, which includes a pair of white gloves, black heels, a black top hat, and a similar black tailcoat, black dress shirt and pencil skirt, along with a tie of your favorite color wrapped snugly around your neck that curves over your bust gently.

“Tsumugi, you made this for me?”

She nods proudly.

“I think I did a bang-up job of it, too! It’s absolutely perfect for you,” she beams at you, as lovely and warm as the golden sun, and you can only grin like a fool in response.

“You sure did. You sure did,” you repeat, amazed by her accurate, neat needlework and toiling dedication she had offered you in making the outfit.

“Now, go out there and amaze the crowds,” she encourages you, giving you a light push on the back and going out to join the audience below.

The magic show goes splendidly–you don’t know if you’ve ever done a better job, and all kinds of flowers, roses, daffodils, daisies, skyrocket toward your lone figure standing at the center of the black stage, hoping to be caught by you. You wave at the audience happily and skip on and off the stage to the standing ovation before exiting for good.

Luckily for you, Tsumugi is waiting at your dressing room, so there’s no need for you to push through the masses to find her, and you immediately envelop her in a hug, tackling her, and her breath leaves her with the impact you’ve come at her with. She wraps her arms around your back, and you can feel her pride for you simply seeping out like radioactive waves.

You don’t let go of her for a long, long time, and when you finally let go of her, you smile at her in a daze. You can’t believe your girlfriend is this gorgeous, kind, devoted, thoughtful girl standing in front of her.

“I think I’m in love with you, Tsumugi,” you say, staring straight into her eyes, endless pools of blue.

She smiles back, pushing her spectacles up slightly.

“A good thing, too, because I think I’m in love with you, too. That is, if you couldn’t tell after I spent over a week cooped up in my room to make this ensemble for you,” she replies, gesturing at your outfit.

You pat her on the head.

“Yes, yes, I know, good girl. But I was so lonely,” you pout. “Did you have to leave me alone like that for such a long time? I could have died of loneliness!”

She simply laughs full-heartedly.

“I suppose we’d be in trouble if you were a rabbit, huh? But there’ll be no more loneliness on my watch. That sounds rather presumptuous of me to say, but you can trust me on that,” she smiles charmingly as she puts a hand on her hip.

You laugh back at her, sharing in her joy and playfulness.

“You’d better live longer than I do, in that case,” you tease.

Tsumugi bends toward you and places a small kiss on the tip of your nose.

“Your wish is my command, royal magician of the court,” she chuckles.

You smirk and slip a hand around the small of her back, pulling her in closer so that both of your bodies are pressed against each other, and kiss her on the lips deeply. 

“Then, my first command is that thou shalt stay at my side for the rest of our mortal lifespans.”

You can feel the corners of her lips stretch out and upward at this, and you take that to be her response as you draw her in for many more sweet kisses.

[lokbobpop]

Feeling

1a : the one of the basic physical senses of which the skin contains the chief end organs and of which the sensations of touch and temperature are characteristic : touch. b : a sensation experienced through this sense. 2 : an emotional state or reaction guilt feelings.

The word emotion comes from the Middle French word émotion, which means "a (social) moving, stirring, agitation." We feel many different emotions every day, like love, fear, joy and sadness — just to name a few.

Feeling feel ing freeing fee ling fe eling

Writing the word feeling

Having my feeling hurt comes up like someone has said something and i ve reacted with that hurst inside i feel unhappy unloved now and this feeling and then to hurt another’s feeling to say something funny enough i joking said just now even whe she has finished her qualifications i will still be smarter and as it was on the phone and she wasn’t looking at me at the time she got upset and said you just called me not good enough and i said no i didnt lol but how easy is it to be hurt or to hurt another how sensitive we all are I remember as a kid our parents would say something wed get all upset and they would say its a joke can you even take a joke and no i obviously couldn’t take a joke i have always taken this seriously its my nature i see to take things seriously i dont take joke very well when someone tell me something i think its true ill say really and they go no im joking :)

Reading feeling

When you touching feeling something like you feel material or a bump in something or on someone i can feel now the skin on my arm touching my leg recently my touch sensation is much stronger im more within me i feel myself more i have calmed more of my body.

Feeling sad comes up when your feeling sad upset how i dotn like feeling sad and upset but i have chosen to be that way and stay in it because i want it i feel i either deserve it so want it or i want another to see im pissed off so hopefully they will feel bad for making me feel sad it all an act not real hey its all blame and mind games.

A song in the 70s came up feelings nothing more than feelings lol

Feeling sad blue angry betrayed bitter or the polarity of this happy joyous excited overwhelmed which could be either but i have felt everything i have felt them all every little feeling there is i have felt it at some point in my life and i just dont want to anymore i just dont want to go up and down i want it all to stop to be over the energy is literally killing me so to here no i more.

I often hurt people feelings i can be blunt in what i say i wont care how i say it its like this is it how i feel or what i think with no care how it might affect them at all.

When you see someone and you can see they are feeling upset and it somehow makes you feel upset as you feel guilt or you feel sorry for them you cant do anything to make them feel better now is a good time to talk solutions if they are open to if not then there really not much you can do.

Feeling ill yes this happens you feel ill you need a doctor i dont do doctors very well and rarely go as i think most are a bunch of idiots ive been ill for years now 10 year roughly with thyroid problems mostly severe tiredness along with tinnitus painful feet knees the list goes on i see i have created all of them and working through the mind and its patterns is long and extensive process and you just want it to happen just like that over night but oh no.

Saying feelings

Thoughts of past relationships where i had me feeling hurt and to never want to get hurt ever again to and ive tighten myself up made myself hard blocked out love from myself and others with fear of being hurt again not ever wanting to feel like that again where i dont have to feel like that again by just not doing it not allowing it within me anymore.

Not much of the happy vibe coem up on thsi word i have noticed it all down mostly so where i am i not allowing myself to feel happy where am i not feeling happy at all why am i not feeling happy and why am i not ?mmm i see i think it takes energy to be happy that im just not happy just like that i dotn like happy its like it has ot happen to me and not to take the incentive to be happy with myself yes this is it why i dont live it is beyond me so i can just live it when i feel like it maybe yes.

Feeling sick comes up as ive had enough of being ill i see ive been given why im ill but still ill so im not walking it clear enough i need to set up stuff to help me i feel for sure.

I think of my mum comes up i think i would hind my feeling because they weren’t taken seriously by her she would day of pull yourself together which she can she can easily say oh im ok ill get over it and she has no burdens really well maybe racism for sure but i cant see that changing anytime time soon.

Really feeling i wonder waht it is like to really feel alive to feel the elements to breathe me in mad out to be here totally living in complete harmony mmmm yes id better pull my socks up hey lol

Sf

Does this definition support me no hell no lol way to much energy going on of oh poor me lol yes i have experienced them all but hell no to ever feeling them ever again lol way to much shit happening but ive got this i can do this im sure i can just stop the participation x got i love me hey

Feeling healing

Feeling

To be exactly where i want to be within myself stable calm to feel the touch of my own skin or of chris to feel how everything feels for the first time every time to experience all like i had never before.

I will live thsi word to support me to touch as ive never touched anything before to to embrace all part of me to love everything about me good and bad to see im a working process and ive got this x

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal! my body is under a lot of stress today—probably from lugging around my laptop all day, errrday. 

i really dont even know who i am anymore or where my priorities lie or anything. ive been more pessimistic and self deprecating recently. but it was pretty nice to read my journal entries from the mission field and rewatching/listening to the performances from the festival in Turkey! I miss it all.

I totally forgot how much I struggled with my own innerdemons and pride while I was there! I’m glad I documented it. 

I felt pretty challenged by Jason earlier. I think my go to is to hate myself and make a joke about it. I simultaneously think I’m better than everyone else and hate myself whenever I compare myself to those around me, lol. What a strange complex indeed.

I think the biggest thing I learned while in Turkey was to not be so results oriented. tbh, i think my thoughts and emotions have just been so clouded recently and i havent been able to think straight in a long time. a lot of what i’ve said has contradicted other statements ive made. im not who i used to be. i used to be so good at being vulnerable and honest and real and genuine and really did care for others. but ive grown a lot more selfish since then. how can i call myself a Christian and claim these goals when I myself am not living them out? I want to. I’ve been wanting to help others but moreso bc i wanted to feel better about myself and not because i just wanted them to be okay. and i think thats why ive been struggling to create these more intimate bonds and relationships as of recently. im so quick to judge far too often and i really dont want to bc who am i to say or judge anyone? only God can do that. we all have our own stories and sin. i feel like I’m “further” in my relationship with God than others but what does that matter if I’m not moving forward? At least they are deliberately spending more time with God and not just remaining stagnant and complacent in their position! And when I have had the opportunity to talk to people, I’ve found myself finding the conversation boring and wanting to move onto the next best thing instead of just treasuring the moment and opportunity that I had right then and there. I’ve allowed myself to become far too prideful and I want to come from a much more humble mindset once more. Everyone is hurting and everyone has their own story. It isn’t my job to fix them. It isn’t my responsibility and no one expects me to do so. 

In February, I honestly didn’t want to live anymore. I think Sharlene helped a lot and going home to be with friends and family and attend Robbin’s funeral helped a lot. But I felt like I was in so much suffering and it felt overwhelming. He was dead and even in Turkey when I saw someone who looked like him, I was so shocked and distraught at the thought of having to relive that pain and see him again that I couldn’t help but cry and lose focus. My grandpa had cancer and things weren’t looking good. I couldn’t even bring myself to sing “Little Miss Sunshine” and I couldn’t even imagine a reality or possibility where he did pass away. I felt so much guilt and shame after Robbin passed. All the things I could have said. All the things I should’ve done. But I never did. And just like that, he was gone. And I felt like I was in an excruciating amount of pain and suffering. It didn’t matter if I was on the train or walking home or anywhere else public. I didn’t care anymore. At all. I had lost my family. He was gone. And I was so tempted to kill myself bc being with God in Heaven and having eternal life seemed like a much sweeter reality than the Hell I was living in. I didn’t trust the people at Lakeview yet and honestly, I still don’t. Though I am doing better.

I can’t make people happy because I myself am in so much misery. I am so pessimistic and upset and miserable. How could I possibly bring someone joy when I myself am feeling the opposite? I want to radiate with warmth and stand firm in my identity with the Lord. Not in aimlessly walking in this dark chasm that I’ve been walking in for who knows how long. There’s a lot that I don’t say in fear that it is “not as much” in comparison with others. There’s a lot that I don’t say because I don’t want people to see me as weak or think I’m less able of accomplishing certain tasks. 

I don’t want to help for the sake of helping. I want to help because I genuinely care. I’ve grown to be so selfish and apathetic towards it all. And God, I truly am so sorry for the things that I’ve said and the things that I’ve done. I am a child of God. I am a child of God. I am a child of God.

I used to jump at the chance of sharing common interests with others because I knew how lonely it had been being in the outside circle and never fitting in. Never having the opportunity to getting to know anyone because I was judged before I even had the chance. And my bitterness has definitely taken form and prevented me from doing a lot of things. It’s prevented me from going back to Sa-Rang without seeing them all as enemies targeting me. It’s prevented me from really trusting people within the church. How I can I hope to build a culture based in vulnerability when I myself am not willing to do so?

“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:1-4

I want to be genuinely interested and invested in others. When they share what their interests are, I want to take the time to indulge myself in those things so that I may better understand them. I want to build a community and intentional relationships with these people. I don’t want to help so that people can praise my name. I want to help because I care about them. 

I think I’ve been more selfish and conceited recently because I am so desperate for someone to care about me. And I am so blind to the fact that people do. I think Johnathan cares, Jason cares, P. Josh cares, Amanda cares, and I’m sure Johnny does too. David L. cares, Rachel cares, Joyce P. cares. My sister cares, my mom cares, my dad cares. Jeanne cares, Sofia cares, Andrew cares. But I have been so blinded by my own self hatred and criticism that I haven’t been able to see or accept that. I just keep digging my own grave and running into a brick wall when they are more than willing to help. I just have to be honest and reach out to them. Asking for help doesn’t make me a burden. It is only when I expect them to always be by my side in every moment but if I am genuine about it and try to care for them.

By my own standards, I am the worst dirt of the Earth. By those around me, they praise me for my commitment, hard working nature, and determination to get anything done that I set my mind to. I don’t want to believe I’m better than anyone else because I really am not. I am so broken in my ways. I am so confused and lost and feel like I’ve seen nothing but darkness for so long. In February, I decided to try and go all in with God and see if anything changed. If I read the Bible, if I got super involved at church, went on a mission, and really did my best to give everything I am to the Lord and live a life so deeply rooted within the church, what would happen? If I still wasn’t happy and felt miserable then I would know it wasn’t worth it and God is not real in the end. And I would cast Him out and pretend He is fake. And that mindset of going all in has lowkey been super toxic to my faith. Because yes, I have been doing all these things and usually with an ulterior motive in mind. But because of this underlying doubt and caution, I’ve been so quick to point out inconsistencies and almost desperate to find any possible crack in the stone. But going to Turkey did really rekindle my faith, I think. There were moments when God was just so undeniable and real. When I talked to Arzu and my heart so desperately broke for her. 

I don’t want to be afraid to sing loudly at church or be honest about how I’m feeling or really cry out to God during a Sunday service. I so desperately need Him. And this underlying fear has been getting in the way of me really going deeper with Him. I don’t know how long it will take for me to find my identity in Him once more. But thank you God for giving me that wakeup call because if not, I may have ended up like Johnathan’s roommate and left the faith altogether because I tried to serve too soon without having a firm foundation first in you. I do want to better equip myself. I do want to serve your people. I don’t want to serve because it’ll make me look “cool.” I don’t want to serve because of how others will perceive me. I just want to serve just as I am with all that I am. And I pray that I may be a humble servant before you, God. Because your word will not be shaken, God. It will not.

I want to have full confidence in the Lord. Knowing that my identity 

I think initially coming into my freshman year, I was so scared and intimidated by everyone. But I was also much more real and genuine at the time. I think in some part because of all the heartbreak I’ve had to face the past few years as well as hanging out with the wrong people and turning away from God has left me very bitter and apathetic and self-centered and conceited and too afraid to be real. I put up a facade and walls upon walls upon walls up to protect myself from others. It’s in part because of Sa-Rang. But it’s also because I have felt pain so deeply and extremely during my time in college. And it’s honestly been so hard. I’ve relied on people to help me through those moments time and time again but something always happens when I can no longer be friends with them in that capacity anymore. Saying guys and girls are different and can’t trust the MAST guys bc they’re guys is just a cop-out. It’s an excuse so that I don’t have to open myself up. I don’t want to judge/rebuke for the sake of doing so. I want to say these words because I care so much about my friends and genuinely want the best for them. 

God, this is my prayer to you. I don’t want to do these things for the sake of doing them but I want to do them so that I may better honor and glorify you. I do need a community. I do desire just coming as I am to someone. Anyone. I need another Sharlene in my life. She was there for me when I didn’t know what to do. When my cousin had passed away, I didn’t care about anything anymore. I don’t want to brag about the things I’ve done anymore. It’s uncomfortable for everyone and doesn’t make me feel any better about myself. 

My family is not nearly as terrible as I make them out to be but that doesn’t make me any less scared of going home.

Instead of judging people for the things they may say against me, I want to be able to pray for them and lift them up in love.

I want to love as Christ has loved us.

I want to be so confident in my faith that I would be more than willing to die for Christ, regardless of the circumstances. Whether I must lead a life of suffering or face an immediate, I want to be willing. Even if I am imprisoned or socially outcasted or physically punished, I want to still stand tall and firm in my faith. Knowing that my God is so much greater than anything on this Earth.