mykindoffairytale

[mykindoffairytale]

This is me, despite feeling a daily sad. Those carefree days feel so far away.

[mykindoffairytale]

An absolutely horrible month

Filled with a screaming 99 year old, a berserk loving daughter, multiple episodes of omg I regret saying ___. For being too much, then too little. Too quiet, then too in your face. For being too myself, then for being too keen. For being too harsh then for not standing up for myself. For being too truthful then for being too self seeking. The balance of all these things are so hard to get right. People I loved and respected letting me down- not inviting me to their wedding, not supporting my dream if it didn’t choose their institution. My heart absolutely aches for her (me). Work was scrambling my sleep, not for how tiring it was but how life was just generally so tiresome. Amidst all the noise I just could not hear the voice of the one who Loved me all these years. I was just going on on empty. Where is God amidst all this, where is his voice telling me the reason for all this strife. Where was his reasoning voice and joyful presence.

Why did he have to be that voice that told me to apologise to a berserk lady. Why was he that voice that told me to keep smiling like I was positively mad and painfully weak and helpless. Why did he have to be that voice pointing out the fact that if I don’t have Christ I am nothing, and my worth fades into the lies of the world. He has crossed from heaven to earth but why is there no place I can go to seek his presence. Why did his mouthpieces all seem so aberrant to me. Why is he not my peace and my stronghold, my ever present rock. Yet, he does not give me more than I can bear.

I’ve lost. (This month) and so many other months before. Remind me of Your love.

[mykindoffairytale]

I wish you would know it got harder, or has it always been this hard?

To wait on the Lord on the things you want most, only for them not to come for the longest time.

[mykindoffairytale]

Will she be worth it

So many rounds of consideration and contemplation. Rounds and rounds of "I cant do this, I'd rather do paeds, I'm gonna do GM, I prefer singhealth, I need the proximity, I need the opportunities, people suck, they're so judgemental. " All boils down to this application, I pray that if this is for me- I will have it in the palm of my hands, but if not, let it be so far from me that I would look back thinking " what was I even thinking?!". I had some peace when I realised Karis was not just an empty anxious brain, that she held on to Christ more tightly than I had ever known. I pray that I will be lead, I will be held, my hands and feet may falter but my heart knows the reason for the slogging and striving, that I may seek His heart, that I would have my battles fought for me, that I will be lead in His ways despite my worldly plans. That I would one day stop harping on the "the only things I really want in life I cannot have". That I would count my gains for losses, that I will become better, and ultimately I would know at the very end, that my life is not my own, my decisions do not make or break me, that I am clay and Christ is the potter.

So, should you ask me "why IM?" I would say "I enjoy the contemplating, the reasoning, the thinking. I enjoy knowing, helping, and chatting". My weakness is that I cannot yet see my end goal in this, I'm still generally confused, I dont know what subspec I am interested in and I'm quite fearful. Some people like me and some dont. But I'm very resilient, the best I know. For the people I try to cover all bases, I make sure youre safe. I will go miles for you, I will get you that scan (within reasonable limits). I fear mistakes leading to harm, but I am sometimes too compliant with the ideas of others. Dont ask me why NUH, because I cant quite give an answer, apart from I am always here, I live quite near. Why not fam med please see the above. Anyways, human deciders apart, God I pray that if you guide me through, I will go miles with you, if its not your presence that goes with me, I do not want this. If you show me the way, I'll make the drastic U turn, I will move continents for You. Just like all the years before, take this broken heart, take these tainted hands, hold me in Your love and make this heart whole again. Theres nothing about this that I really want, but another milestone in my life (that again is an easy surrender), the struggle comes along the way. LOL

[mykindoffairytale]

— danagray

[mykindoffairytale]

Grace

A different kind, this time not for me but from me. Begrudgingly, hatefully, bitterly. Forced out of the crevices of self preservation and hopelessness, not a choice but for the sake of moving on. I surprise myself with the many things I hold dear, all a physical keepsake of every chapter of life I have gone through. Do I hold closer my objects than my relationships? His voice calm and steady, never raised when I spoke of his wrong, but when the tables turned- when my facts were upended he grew impatient. Lied to my face, about an object Ive held so dear, I face I grew to love for years in medical school and many years after. I got it back from the water damage when I walked in the rain to my driving school in Sri Petaling, it was fixed and made functional to my very big delight. Now years later its destroyed by a hand that I'm sure had fixed many others, an eye that holds a gaze in spite of a lie. I'm upset, agitated and utterly disappointed and yet in that same moment I had to turn on my medical lecture, and attempt to improve my career that serves this very population. Well a single mean soul isnt the end of the world, but admist intense emotions I again had to power through, what an agonising feeling- that you have to push through immense feelings and get moving. What an utterly shitty feeling of sadness and of loss, all this over a watch.

[mykindoffairytale]

Pondering residency

These last few weeks have been the hardest in a long while. Thinking of evaluations and how I’m being evaluated scares and cripples me. I’m in on of the best work environments and yet my mind is stifled by the daunting task of asking for recommendations. The fear of losing again what I want. For I have never wanted much- nothing good that ever happened to me came from me willing for it to happen. It always came unexpected and from grace. Never by might, now I’m anxious because it seems to have to come from my own might of sorts but I don’t see any opportunities. But could I live in this steady state for long or do I really need the push and the stress to grow- and at what expense.

Feels like I’m holding back my whole life just for something/someone that might not come through. Though if you’d ask me, that -might be what I truly “want”. But as evidenced above, I can never seem to want these bigger things. I was close to a surrender yesterday but was blundered by sin. Everyday I worry about the judgemental eyes, hoping they would see me well. Everyday I await an invitation that never seems to come.

The wait is the worst, may my grief be lost in surrender. That this was never meant for me, but for the people around me. I now struggle to see myself only as a tool, not living for myself which I so desperately want to. Maybe this struggle is the root of my unhappiness because I’m truly quite unhappy these days - not to mention much lacking in joy.

I’ve been somewhat trying as always, as I always do in little ways that have been supplemented by the miles You’ve covered. My first and last, may all my choices ultimately point to You, my mistakes washed over by Your perfect plan.

My residency plans I surrender them all to you.

[mykindoffairytale]

[mykindoffairytale]

2023 wrapped

I hated this year, it was full of heartache, longing, and hoping and wishing for change.

The journey of faith was abysmal, waiting turned out to be more painful that my faith could bear. Work meant no lifegroup, meant no regular habit of going to church, no time to go to church. I was desperately caught in a cycle with no end in sight.

With my faith in the trenches, I lost sight of the reason for work, lost sight of my worth. Everything was determinant on what people said of me. I swayed like the leaves in the breeze. Although my silent one worded prayers on call at night we’re always answered and God delivered me from every force that was trying to drown me.

I was waiting for something that never came, got served painful reminders of imperfect love, then dealt with the blow of death. Somehow everything cushioned the moment that I thought would be the end of me (for the last 5years), and towards the end of the year I saw the plan He had for me. The “prophecy” I had in my head came to life, and I was in the exact right place I needed to be for the last year. And in the paradise I’ve only dreamt of, at the very moment.

I’m going to tell you something sad, but please just let me have this moment without grieving for me. But this was the year I was busy being happy for people around me (and trust me when I say I was SO happy) but not so much for myself (as evidenced by above).

I was beyond the moon at Yenlink’s wedding, Yuhui’s engagement, Rachel’s new lover, Nik and Ryan’s new home, Sharm chasing her passion, Sng’s doggy dream come trues, Pam’s business success, Cheryl’s engagement, Vik’s award, Rachael’s best year yet, Kyrene’s everlasting love, Elberto’s pretty partner, Wz’s Christmas party and Belle’s adventures. My heart goes all fuzzy just thinking about these!!!!

This year I’m praying I remember everything I have instead of those that I lack, that I love those at arms reach, that Antoni thrives, that I see my far away family soon, that I continue celebrating those around me, continue to learn to celebrate myself, to grow closer to God, and live less for myself this year (in action and in qty of thoughts).

[mykindoffairytale]

This year

This year has been an absolute nightmare, from undergoing the trenches that was KKH paeds, absolutely fearful of the coming day, to loving and being proud of myself that I actually made it. Remebered the blurry mornings, the painful history takings, my seniors slogging it out with me, kind seniors and those that hated my guts. I remembered being somewhat happy when things started becoming better, of course I loved the prerounding. Even managed a Sasha Sloan concert midway through. Then it was Taiwan, that was pretty meh but also pretty glorious.

Onto GS, where I was enjoying myself very much the first few months before everything came crumbling down, slowly but surely. Regretful actions were made but I'd generally attribute that to the wrong crowd- GS was definitely full of the absolute wrongest people. Made it to Laufey, made it to indo once again, and finally went to Uk. Saw glasgow who held my heart since I left, but going back I realised I had taken all she had to offer. Every month, mistakes were made, plenty of I wish I didnt say that till the very end. Thankful for everyone that loved me and stood by, and thankful for myself for never giving up on me.

Then very quickly it was NPL, that was spent lazing around, Jakarta, Seoul- which was greatly healing, and Bali- Labuan Bajo. The latter of which carried news Ive always dreamt of in nightmares, waking up in tears, safely forgetting the pain that I have dreamt. However, this time the pain was much to real, till now I try not to think about it, because I wish you had been kinder- especially because I had loved you so. Sadly it was towards the end, when I came home that I realised how bitter you were, and how although you provided, I was never your pride and joy. But by this time I knew how much I had laboured, and how much I had thought of/for you. Giving up quite abit of indulgence from guilt, stressing from the concept of "limited wealth" you had put in my head. No doubt I am ever thankful that you had given me a once in a lifetime experience - that was the best in my life. But at the end of it, my sadness was quickly blunted by self-preservation, I remembered your cutting words, my earnest love, your great providence and the joy of your presence. At the end, I'd call it even- not your lifetime full of contributions and the shortness of mine, but in general the positive influence you had on my life, although I wished you were more and myself slightly "less". I still miss waking you for snacks, thankful for your ever peaceful departure. Thank you for Malaysia and Glasgow.

Oh I forgot about Vietnam, the food great, the company peaceful. My alternative sister from different parents.

Oh I too forgot about Nik, who has been a steady source of comfort on work days, thankful we got to grow together, again its not about counting the gives and the takes, not about giving what you got, but a giving from what God has given to us.

The end of the year in Cardio has been the best so far, Cardio was a soft landing spot into the realm of MO ship, Ive gone to more services, exercise classes and received an exceeding amount of grace despite my underperforming ass. Im reconsidering IM because of her, but also very aware of what stands ahead. Nothing much has changed, the motion remains very much the same, fear-grace-growth, sprinkled with regret here and there.

The proposal this year was too a highlight- true love, girlhood. Definitely felt the love, and for an all too deserving couple <3

These moments of quiet reflection come less frequently, expecially with baseline "anxiety" and lack of spirituality. Thankful that pondering over money has gotten me here.

Looking forward to a better year next year, with more looking to Jesus rather than the ways of this world.

[mykindoffairytale]

Another year older, the struggles are still very real. People come and go, but the legit ones stay together.

Thankful for family and friends who steadfastly stood by. Even in slow growth and amidst misunderstandings. Self love is tough but each year I’m tougher. Praying that each year love grows, I stop being so aloof and continue to be loved.

[mykindoffairytale]

Here’s to learning that happiness and joy can come from being really truly happy for those around you

[mykindoffairytale]

Charlotte Eriksson, Empty Roads & Broken Bottles; in search for The Great Perhaps/Carlie Hoffman, from “High Bridge Park,” published in Gulf Stream

[mykindoffairytale]

[mykindoffairytale]

[mykindoffairytale]

[mykindoffairytale]

Anis Mojgani, from “Here I Am”, Songs from Under the River: A Collection of Poetry