#im starting to get the hang of things but still very much forcing myself to take it easy dfsjhfdshf

[lecliss]

Sakura gets a second point for being the first to complete the tree climbing at being better at chakra control, but at the same time it just feels like she was made good at it so no extra training segment time would have to be put into her getting good at it and it can be all about Sauce and Nart. Idk that feels too pessimistic but also could totally be true.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for blocking a friend on instinct? So i (f16) have this friend, (m16) we can call him D, who i've been friends with since kindergarten.

About a year ago, i started growing very close to D through our friend group's dnd campaign we held every friday. I knew him for a long time but that was the first time we had started hanging out out of school. We were talking on snapchat every night just chatting and after a while he started to send much more... revealing snaps. Just his bare shoulders but like without a shirt. He said it was because he had to let his medication for his back dry. I was a little uncomfortable, but we were friends so i didnt think that it would escalate into anything weird.

After about a month, D starts sending snaps in a towel and pictures of his chest which made me very uncomfortable. I kind of let the chatting die down after that because it was the only way i could think of that would be enough to gently let him down easy (i was wrong). I stopped going to the hangouts with that group and kind of distanced myself because how uncomfortable D made me. This only made D try harder to get my attention.

I was still friends with the others in the group so i would often have one-on-one hangouts with the others and watch tv. One thing we watched was Miraculous and we laughed and joked about it all the time. D overheard us or something and went home and binge watched the entire series in a week. Then everytime i ate lunch with that friend group, D would always make direct references to Miraculous or sing the theme song really loud. This wasnt once a day, D would make miraculous references every single minute. He became obsessed with the show (which, for reference of how weird it was, D is a very religious Christian boy. He gets upset if he gets an A- and never drinks caffeine (no problem with any of those things but just understand that kind of guy being deep within the fandom of Miraculous out of all shows 😭)). It was so bad, and it once again was making me very uncomfortable.

Eventually, it got to an insufferable point where D changed his route to go home and made sure to pass me every day after school and wave. I started avoiding him in the halls, he would always ask obscure questions that werent that important. I couldn't understand why he couldn't get that i didnt want to be friends with him anymore so i set boundaries.

A text i sent to D: i apologize if i ever caused any misunderstanding, but i would like to make it clear that im not romantically interested in you. i can see that you have been trying to grow closer, but i dont feel the same way. i don't appreciate being followed around, and i dont like when people force themselves to like the same things i like. its not attractive to be a copy of someone. i enjoy being your friend but it's difficult to disregard these things. if im being totally honest, when you do things like this, it makes me really uncomfortable and borderline creeped out. i know crushes wont disappear overnight but i would appreciate more space. if youre looking for a girlfriend, this isnt the right person, nor the right way to get it. and i wont tell anyone about this so dont worry about word spreading or anything. thank you

D's response: Oh, I'm so sorry I made you think that! I don't have a crush on you, I just noticed how you don't hang out with our friend group as often and I just wanted to make sure that I was being as nice as possible to make sure you weren't mad at us or anything. I did start to think that maybe me trying all that made me seem clingy or annoying, so I'm really sorry for all of that. Thanks for bringing this to my attention, I'll try to do better now!

This didnt sit right with me because after all of that i cannot fathom how that translates to "i wanted to include you". This made me question a lot about the situation.

Reasons i feel like i MBTA: i'm over thinking things and D could be a genuinely a nice person. Its hard for me to read the room and i need to work on that and probably apologize to D.

Reasons i feel like i MNBTA: i should trust my instincts rather than ignore them. I've had a psychological abuser in my family before and the situation could be a stalker behavior that i've learned is not ok to have.

What are these acronyms?

[electricvinyls]

guys this is sooo important, for those who have been long time followers, especially from my osemanverse days. ive realised something.

I have transitioned from a total tori to a michael holden and it's brilliant.

I used to be incredibly depressed, and honestly I did not mind getting worse. I was full of self loathing and I was annoyed and hateful. everything was the cause of my issues, but I was also solely at fault. I internalised my all my issues with myself and projected my hate by being blunt and rude and mean. it's hard to explain because I have awful emotional permanence, but I was so pessimistic and drowning in my own sorrow or whatever edgy thing. I had long black hair and I wore dark dreary clothing, jumpers exclusively. I was in that sad tortured tumblr girl community and they all definitely made me worse by telling me how relatable I was. and asking me to post more, treating me like some tori spring-esque idol

now though? oh now it's amazing. i'm so much happier, yes I get sad and depressed and angry but it's nothing like before. i'm so inclined to be an optimist and reassure the people around me that it'll be okay. I can be apathetic but I want to help. I feel like a much bigger presence than I was before. I don't let people who make me feel awful stick around. I feel very in charge, I reach out to people to hang out. i hate classes and know im not some genius but i know what i'm good at and get so passionate. I smile and laugh and feel somewhat normal. my hair is short and curly, it doesn't lay in place unless i force it too. i wear these big dorky glasses. im not hot but not ugly, but I feel amazing. I feel like a person, I really do. I'm in love and I don't care for labels but I'm happy and stuck to my boyfriend at the hip. I've grown into a person i can be comfortable as. I still get all that depression, but it's a process and this is a damn good start.

[skyeslittlecorner]

can you post some photos on chapter five? ive been struggling to get to it and im impatient if ykwim 😭😭

Don't worry anon, I got you covered! Let's break this chapter for three parts - one for story and for one for both H-scenes. There are a lot of things to look forward to~

Warning: HEAVY SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT. In fact, I'll try to shorten the whole thing and focus on plot-relevant facts, so for those who want to go through chapter 5 on their own, come back when you're done! (Or just skip to h-scene, they are marked.)

Ch5 - STORY

First, I would like to warn that my opinion about it may be unpopular. As someone who hadn't paid much attention to Hades before, I fell in love with it after this episode. I adore ch5. A lot of people hate these boys to the core for what they did, and I understand and respect their opinion, but I'm with Hades here. I would love to analyze their behavior in more detail, but we don't have time for that today.

Summarizing this chapter is going to be hard because a lot of things happened. Let's go!

We start by going down a slide sponsored by Leviathan and his Lovecraftian friends (TM). But worry not! It seems we have friends even in the realm of death. Say hello to grandpa!

We talk a little, being in a questionable mood. Well, who wouldn't be? But we have the opportunity to know Solomon better, and I'm getting to understand why all devils love him. By the way, it turns out that we are his last descendant.

Sorry Solomon, you're still a peepaw.

He also advises us not to be afraid of Leviathan and not to be submissive to him, and then in a brilliant way he sends us back to the world of the living. Of course, our beautiful king is delighted.

We take Grandpa's advice to heart and finally stand up to Levi. He's surprised, but he doesn't try to kill us again (for now). We witness him hanging one of his subjects, who dared to ask about an accident from 311 years ago.

Fun fact. Devils must have much stronger spines. Do you know how people used to die by hanging? The first methods involved cutting off oxygen, but later they involved into breaking the cervical spine and this was considered a standard hanging execution. Leviathan must be gentle (how bad it sounds in this context), he could kill instantly with a loop like that.

Back to the point. We find out that we also have a noose around our neck, and Leviathan makes use of it. We're hanging, but we finally begin to meet Leviathan's nobles one by one.

Glasyal plots (and ends up hanging for it), Foras argues with him, along the way we learn that Leviathan needs us in his plan, and, you know, maybe killing us isn't the smartest thing he can do. Only Barbatos realizes that maybe it's a good idea to stop hanging us like wet laundry. He's the only one so openly nice to us.

Remember that.

Another fun fact, our MC is of medium height (~160 cm I guess). Leviathan is 187cm, Foras should be similar. I only noticed this because I myself am 180 cm so they are not so strappingly tall for me.

Foras wants to take us away from Levi and explain everything calmly, but the king does not agree. We learn that the guys know where the seed from the Tree of Knowledge is. We're supposed to go with them, and we have about a 50/50 chance of survival. Also, we have the opportunity to see a very rare phenomenon, a joking Leviathan.

Sweetie.

Colossally shortening the rest, the cavalry arrives! You didn't have to. I haven't had time to fuck them yet.

And this cavalry is very much at odds with the nobles of Hades. Most of the time is them arguing. Fortunately, they didn't kill each other…

...because Barbie decided to kill us.

Barbatos is poisoning us to force Bimet and Valefor to join the plan. While we are unconscious, we have flashes of Leviathan's past, which is too sad to analyze considering that we are about to jump to hot scenes now. Besides, most of us already know what this is about. Experience it for yourself. Really. We also learn that not only angels experimented on children, and a little about Mammon's childhood.

In the end, we learn that in Ch6 we must visit the abandoned laboratory in Tartaros, where the seed from the tree of knowledge should be, because as Solomon's descendants, we may be the only ones who will not be killed by it.

Ch5 - VALEFOR H-SCENE

(I really wanted to post CG from Valefor's scene here, but I don't know if Tumblr will block it.)

TIME FOR DESSERT!

Bimet is the first to realize that we lack devil energy. He wants to take care of it, but Valefor brushes him off, sends him to scout, and overall Bimet is our wingman, what a bro lol

Since we are away from Satan and Gehenna, we cannot summon Minhyeok's room. MC thinks she's outgrown it anyway. So we can count on the next scenes to be more and more creative.

It all starts with us telling Valefor that he reminds us of Mammon. And what a beast it brings out of him.

And he loves it.

...aaand then, someone wants to interrupt. Bimet informs us about this and goes to chase them out. Valefor stands with us at the door to see if anyone else is coming. Yes. Naked. With us. In us.

Fortunately, no one catches us and after the entire session we fall asleep in our knight's arms.

I really would like to do more screenshots, but tumblr is blocked… and there's one more part to come.

Ch5 - LEVIATHAN H-SCENE

At least you look beautiful and the platform won't block you.

And here's what I love the most. It was sick. I'd love to experience it again.

I would love to make a whole post ONLY about this and just leave the screenshots.

We are in Leviathan's office, and he interrogates us when we feel like we are lacking devil energy. We want to go to Bimet, but do you think our jealous king will allow it? Oh no no no. And of course, his hands land on our chin and then our neck. He doesn't like our hickeys.

We start asking him valid questions like "why are you jealous of us if you hate us?" So he silences us with a kiss. A deep, suffocating kiss. This is also how Leviathan discovers that we gain their energy through "intercourse with the devil".

And how can I not fall in love with this idiot.

The conversation that follows gives us some light on his approach to sex and to relationships in general. Which is… sad. It fits him perfectly, but it's sad. And I would also like to analyze this someday, this character is beautiful and how he's written is even more beautiful, especially from writer's point of view. He does not want the admiration of his people or the hatred of angels. The only thing he can believe and consider to be sincere is that someone's dislike. This is something that might actually turn him on.

At first he rules, he asks questions and he hangs us. And he does everything he can to piss us off. He hands us a whip and lowers us down.

Just disliking him isn't enough, and he works diligently to make us hate him. He insults Minhyeok, us, wishes us dead, and the more he sees our anger, the more he gets excited and talks more. He knows that we are connected to Satan and we will know how to release our anger. On him.

He finally got what he wanted. We straddle him and, with the help of Satan's strength, begin to strangle him. Neither you nor he are gentle.

Also, his words (unfortunately, I already have a limit on screenshots). "Do not bite your lips. Bite mine instead." I beg, let me violate him even more.

Compliment from Leviathan, nice. In the end, we fall asleep cuddled up to him, and he has no intention of giving us up to anyone. As in the case of Sitri, he only opens up to us when we are so unconscious that we do not see his softer side.

꧁:･ ✡ ･:꧂

AND THATS ALL! What a ride it was, I hope I was a good guide. One day I will go into the Hades boys in more depth, but for now, let this be a shortcut for everyone who is still struggling with ch5.

[xkleipsis]

High and Low

Pt.1 arranged marriage

Norihisa Hyuga x f.reader

P.1 P.2 P.3

(My first time writing on tumblr, and 1st time doing such trope so bear w me 🫶)

—————————————————————————

It was thundering by the time I finally had landed in Japan, luckily the flight wasn’t delayed and neither there were any issues of sort. After collecting by suitcases, which didn’t contain much as i plan on buying more here, i got a cab and showed the driver the address.

As i sat back to relax, or at least attempt to, i try to recall the trouble i got myself into. Hadn’t I tried to purposefully irritate the elders, they wouldn’t have convinced my parents into this marriage; a marriage with a crazy guy who sought revenge and had recently got out of jail. Apparently he also isn’t keen to this idea. Many aren’t, sure having someone in the family who runs a gang its beneficial, considering the elders want to expend their business here in japan, but, my parents are against this, strangely enough most of my relatives are too, and probably is so this main of a ex-convict.

But am i against it? I asked myself this multiple times and everytine i cant decide. If i was really against it then i would’ve ran away, frankly speaking its very easy, but i guess i have nothing to lose. No matter what, had i brought another guy stating he was the love of my live, these elders would’ve still complained unless the poor boy would’ve brought them anything useful for status and power and more nonsense.

I just hope he’s decent. No, he has to at least have a nice personality. Bad looks? I can manage, i can simply not wear glasses around the house, having a negative 5 eyesight can be handy. But he cant have a shit personality, i cant risk my blood pressure.

I look outside the window as it rains, while the car drives at a reasonable speed, and before i knew it, i was here. Outside the main meet up place of his gang, I should’ve at least be given the actual address, no? As i thank the driver i notice a look of unease in his eyes, and shit i dont blame him, one might even think we’re in a middle of the forest from how it looked.

After taking my suitcase i start to head in the old styled house, i mean the door was open.. as i entered i could feel weird looks from men, most of the wearing red jackets and chains, until i asked one of them if they could bring me to hyuga, and without saying much, he led the way, as if he was waiting for me.

I was brought to another room, much quieter, there sat a man who looked like had been smoking, wearing a red jacket over his shoulder and golden chained hanging from his neck. He looked me up and down before i spoke, ‘so? You are, i believe my fiancé??”

He just stared at me before replying “yeah” in a obvious rude tone before getting up and walking towards me. Maybe because i was tired from the flight, perhaps even jet-lagged but i was already trying to study his looks.

“Lets get something clear from the beginning, im not interested in you or in such things. You got problems? Dont bother me with them. Do not get involved in any of my business and dont irritate me at all” he says, coldly? Nah, more like in a commanding tone.

I take a deep breath, before forcing a smile “sure, i shall not bother his highness with any trivial matters” a hint of sarcasm in my tone, before adding in “so where will i be staying?” I ask.

“At my house, guest room” he replies, “here?” As i glance around the place, now im no spoiled daughter but- “do you think i live here?” He raises an eyebrow, irritated as i shrugs my shoulders after looking him from head to toe. He scoffs “I have main house, my men will drive you there” he replies before leaving the room as if somewhere to be, while one of his men tells me to follow him.

(If anyone has any suggestions you think i can improve on lmk)

[tonydaddingham]

I love Aziraphale but I DO kind of feel like he was objectively more wrong than Crowley was, bc Aziraphale's plot for most of S2 comes straight out of Terry Pratchett books: he shuts down Crowley and focuses on setting up this storybook romance for them, while ignoring everyone else's distress. Like we see from the start of the season that Crowley is depressed and clearly upset, and it gets worse as it progresses, but Aziraphale doesn't even clock that something is wrong, even when Crowley is outright telling him. Of course this is going to create and nurture a situation where Crowley doesn't communicate. Aziraphale's not listening to him anyway. One of Terry's books features a witch who uses her magic to force fairy tale plots onto the people around her. It's the pinnacle of toxic positivity.

hi anon!!!✨ oooooh i have a feeling that this is going to be a long one, my apologies in advance!!! also, please forgive my ignorance on pratchett's works, im not deliberately ignoring it, but definitely not familiar with it enough to draw on any narrative similarities unfortunately!!!

so on the point of aziraphale not recognising that crowley is depressed, i do think that there are some indicators that if aziraphale paid more attention, he would pick up on it. that being said, i do think that the depth of crowley's not-okayness is largely masked from aziraphale, and is mostly shown only to other characters and obviously to the audience; the scene on the park bench with shax, for example, or any scenes between crowley in/around the bentley. one example that aziraphale could have picked up on:

c: "what i need is for him to be nowhere near me, and the precious, peaceful, fragile existence ive carved out for myself here..."

a: "i thought we carved it out for ourselves?"

c: "so did i!"

so, obviously crowley started in on the fact that gabriel threatened aziraphale in ep6, and quite rightly uses this as a reason to leave well enough alone, get rid of gabriel, and go back to their life as it was before. and crowley's language and delivery is absolutely indicative of how desperate he is to keep the status quo, that he's hanging on practically by a thread. shax and hell are keeping tabs on him, he's living in his car (which i'll come onto later), and he doesn't have much of a Purpose anymore than just existing.

aziraphale should be reading into this, 110%. but, crowley ends up underplaying his own struggle by talking about 'i' and 'me'. that doesn't mean its less true or valid, but to aziraphale's mind, he appears to be thinking only about how gabriel's presence would affect him. it immediately undermines how crowley first went in to trying to convince aziraphale to turn out gabriel, because it reads like crowley is revealing his true issue with the situation. we know that it's because, to crowley, aziraphale is ignoring him and his warning (which he absolutely is).

but crowley hasn't told aziraphale the full story of what happened; what gabriel said. aziraphale doesn't have the context to understand the full scope of crowley's fear and anger. i don't think knowing it would have necessarily changed the ultimate outcome/decision - i do think aziraphale is still kind and forgiving ("it's one of my favourite things!") to a fault - but it might have stopped aziraphale completely closing off and shutting down the continuance of what could have been a communicative and honest discussion. that, despite all of it, crowley is stepping away from aziraphale and planting himself on His (crowley's) Side, not Their Side.

aziraphale attempts to pull the conversation back; he tells crowley he would love for him to help, and that aziraphale is actively asking for help (which, verbally and with full intent, i don't recall aziraphale having done anywhere before this point in canon; he's intimated it, made very strong suggestions that he wants crowley to help/do something for him). this is a big show of vulnerability on aziraphale's part ("i need you!"), to literally put those words into the space between them... and crowley is silent. crowley is absolutely justified in not helping gabriel, but i think aziraphale's reaction is just as understandable.

but then moving on through to ep2, i think the next bit where aziraphale probably should have seen that crowley is Not Okay is the bentley/bookshop discussion, and crowley's reluctance to share it. from crowley's point of view, this car is literally the only tie he has left (will still get to the Sleeping In His Car debacle later) to anything permanent. this car that is literally an extension of him, comforts and shelters him, his complete Ride or Die - even to the end of the world. it is completely understandable that crowley would be jealous of it, want to keep a portion of his world for himself.

from aziraphale's point of view, as suggestive as it can be interpreted, he's opened his doors literally to crowley since at least 1941 - even earlier, if we count the 1800 scene that was cut (where, if gabriel and sandalphon hadn't turned up, i have no doubts that crowley would have been welcomed in straight away). it's definitely believable that crowley, between at least 1800 - 1827, might have been welcome in the shop... possibly even between 1827 - 1862 depending whether or not crowley spent "quite some time" in the pits of hell after edinburgh.

and this is likely to have been an exponential occurrence between 2008 - 2023, possibly even between 1967 - 2008 (depending on whether they had or had not been in continued contact follow the holy water incident). either way, again from aziraphale's perspective, the tie he has to earth and his life on it has been steadily then repeatedly shared with crowley. that's where he feels safe, and is himself, and is an extension of him. it's where they both feel like that in 2023. aziraphale has, presumably, shared that without quibble, has even been - judging by the s2 scene - something he has actively encouraged. it's definitely presumptuous, and possibly even entitled, but i think aziraphale has seen this as crowley being willing to share his life with aziraphale; why wouldn't he share the bentley? he's driven aziraphale everywhere he's wanted to go in it - doesn't crowley trust him enough to let aziraphale drive himself, for once?

ep3 sees a continuation of the above; that aziraphale changes the car, and does so without permission. whilst cute and adorable, and with the best of intentions, there is a major degree of this that is absolutely a violation on crowley, even if he logically would know that it's reversible. potentially, this is even foreshadowing of how he feels in the Final Fifteen with the angel restoration offer (im sure someone else has drawn this parallel somewhere...?).

but i do think it is absolutely a declaration from aziraphale of how wonderful he sees crowley just as he is now (his mf eyes), and how actually he doesn't want to change crowley to something better, but instead to paint the whole world in crowley's image. and its all the more powerful because a) crowley isn't there to see it, and b) he doesn't know that crowley can so viscerally detect changes made to the car.

the fact that crowley doesn't make this connection is surely a reflection of how he sees himself (see: he doesn't), and aziraphale should pick up on that... but if to aziraphale's mind crowley already knows how aziraphale feels about him through other gestures, in aziraphale's mind maybe crowley's just being coy or a bit possessive of his beloved bentley - that's fair, it's practically married behaviour! aziraphale wouldn't necessarily think to infer crowley's objections as anything different.

then we move on to ep4 (and finally talking about crowley living like a nomad), with the last scene of aziraphale helping him take out the plants to the bentley. you know - im still not 100% sure what to make of the whole situation of aziraphale not knowing that crowley is living out of his car. my main two schools of thought are that:

crowley has been spending enough time in the shop that him going out at random intervals is just normal to aziraphale - he's off doing Demon Things! he's just out on a jolly, having some time to himself! but it's okay, he always comes back! that would be possible, but we don't have any narrative to actively support this, and is practically a hc at this point. but there must be something that keeps aziraphale from digging any deeper - he is by all accounts a smart guy, and clocking that crowley has his plants in his car must get him thinking even if only for a moment... (unless he literally just chalks it up to Crowley Being Crowley, which is also feasible lbr)

the alternative thought (and not saying this is right - as i said, i literally do not have a scooby as to why aziraphale doesn't seem, on some level, to realise it) is that aziraphale does realise it, but doesn't want to face the implications of why crowley might have kept it from him, and so he buries it. i parsed this thought out more in a LWA response, full post here, but snippet screenshotted below:

i'll probably leave that bit there, but absolutely; aziraphale should be realising that something is wrong... but equally - as the king of cognitive dissonance, frankly - i don't think he wants to look deeper into something that, to him, would suggest any reason for there to be distrust between them, or a lack of openness. of course, we can see as the audience that this is a very small drop in the ocean where that's concerned, but to aziraphale - there's surely no possibility that crowley would keep something from him, not something this important.

when it comes to the Loving Gaze in ep6 (i'll come back to ep5 in a sec) that he gives when crowley admits that he's been living in his car, again - not entirely sure what to make of it. obviously it is just pure 'i utterly love/adore him', 'yes, it's you i want to be with, yes', but also maybe a measure of 'oh, you silly demon, why didn't you tell me? not that it's a problem now though, because in time we'll be together properly and you'll never have to be without a home again because your home can be with me'. he does gloss over the fact that crowley didn't tell him, and was obviously not in an okay place - but possibly in a, 'we'll talk about it later sometime, but for now - im just happy about what future we could start having from here on out. everything else is immaterial'. it's dismissive, but i also think potentially an indication that aziraphale does see, but they'll have the rest of their existence now to talk about it and heal.

anyway, back to ep5. the ball. oh lord - i honestly don't know if i have the mental acuity to even go into depth on the ball, rn. it's a Problem, and 100% on aziraphale's part. he's overcome with love, god bless him, isn't he? just so hellbent on showing crowley - it's not even about the girls, anymore, not if aziraphale really admitted it to himself - that he loves him. i think the magic spell that aziraphale creates bewitches even him, slightly - maybe not so literally, but this is a moment that has at least been decades in the making. and crowley is running around telling him there's an issue? well, they're safe in the shop (which, in a way, is absolutely true)! don't spoil this, please just hear me, hear what im trying to tell you unequivocally!

i think in aziraphale's mind, crowley tends to have a habit of overreacting (gabriel as a case in point), which is not true - but understandable when you potentially consider that aziraphale never really has all the facts. he's definitely overprotective, a point that is shown in s1 (imo, aziraphale never actively encourages the damsel-in-distress thing, but crowley just happens to show up at the slightest hint of trouble, and instead aziraphale takes this to mean that saving him, when he doesn't need saving, truly does make crowley happy). this is something crowley through his actions has encouraged - i think to assume that crowley is overreacting in this context is understandable, but yet; no, aziraphale should be listening to him. he should. and it once again feeds into the thought process that aziraphale cannot save himself - on and on it goes.

i don't think there is much to discuss in ep6 (im not going to get into the Final Fifteen - it's been analysed so much better by other people and by me too), this answer is already long enough, and i think for the most part it's fairly obvious. i do however have a dedicated FF tag in my masterpost if you do wish to peruse the various ponderings on the subject.

the only thing i guess that's really left for me to parse out is s1; aziraphale does lie to crowley. a lot. most egregious is lying about finding the antichrist but, i will say, in his defence - crowley has repeatedly asserted that they should straight-up murder a child. aziraphale drew his boundary, and crowley kept pushing, even going so far as to try tempting (and then practically demanding) that aziraphale be the one to do it. i don't think it's unjustified in that respect that aziraphale would keep that knowledge, therefore, from him - and instead turn to heaven. obviously that doesn't work out, in that respect crowley is proven right, and aziraphale immediately takes action to remedy it (calls crowley after the 9-1-metatron call).

but, it's an interesting mirror to what goes on in s2 in the theme of mutual trust and openness between them. crowley doesn't trust aziraphale not to dismiss him and run back to heaven when the going gets tough, nor does he trust him to have any sense of self-preservation (despite, yk, being a literal miracle worker and being the one to actual save their bacon in the 40s s2 minisode). but aziraphale similarly doesn't trust crowley not to try making him do something he has expressly said he will not do, and would betray a core tenet of who he is - temptation, which they both know works on aziraphale, and crowley could arguably exploit as he sees fit if aziraphale were to let him be completely vulnerable to crowley. in this respect, the foundations of their relationship, such as it is, is quite demonstrably built on sand of the quick variety.

so in essence, anon (honestly - gold star for you if you've made it to here), i don't disagree with you at all. but i think it's slightly reductive to not see that they are just as bad as each other. each have their trauma and unreconciled issues that directly inform on the action or inaction they take, and both are completely justified in that. i think it's more than possible to be empathetic to both of their perspectives, because ultimately, imo, their relationship as it was where we left it at the end of s2 was practically doomed right from where we first - in 2008 - properly join their story. im all for a huge, screaming row, and the promise of quieter, more delicate conversations thereafter, in s3; boy, do they need it!✨

[aita-blorbos]

(tma oc ask content warning for canon typical levels of buried fuckery)

am i the asshole for driving away my friend?

hey reddit . im posting from a throwaway bc i dont want people connecting this to my work (though i doubt youve heard of me anyways) but i think i messed up terribly and i want to know if this is something i can still fix

also sidenote sorry if my grammar or punctuation or word choice or anything of that sort are poor. i have not been sleeping well for some time

i (19m) am a video game developer. its been my passion for years now and i am currently in uni studying computer games development and programming and level design . although i have considered dropping out but thats a point for later . i post on itch io and such and sometimes i make flash games but idk if anyone reading this has played a single one

its been a bit of a hard time for me, if im being honest. i really like games and i really liked making them but i dont think im very good at programming or art or level design or any of the other things that go into the process of making a game . at least a profitable and fun one .

so i ended up coming to this computer science study group in the hopes maybe someone could teach me to be better at programming. and i met this girl. i dont know exactly how old she is, but i want to say she was maybe two or three years ahead of me in her schooling, so probably about 22. anyways lets call her E

E was studying pure computer science and wanted to do it at a high level . so of course she was pretty good at helping me with my really rudimentary programming stuff . and she was friendly and funny and we liked hanging out so we ended up being good friends . she actually complimented my games, once i got them to function, and said my pixel art was cute . my point is we were close . maybe we wouldn’t have been so close if we had anyone else, but i was still new and she was pretty lonely .

really shortly after i met her though i started having fucked up dreams. ok that’s not entirely accurate because i had been having fucked up dreams on occasion for a while . but they got worse and she showed up in them. it was all me locking her in stairwells hitting her over the head and piling earth over her body filling her mouth with mud and cement. terrible things

so i stopped sleeping. i tried not to at least. im pretty sure most uni kids pull all nighters. i know i did even when i was younger. but i wasnt studying for exams or whatever. i was just trying and trying to force myself awake and i started to lose it a bit. my grip on things. it felt like i was sleepwalking through classes and even like i was dreaming when i was awake. id nod off for a moment in a lecture and id feel dirt caked on my hands under my fingernails. and no matter how much i scrubbed and how much i knew with my eyes it wasnt there it just. refused to come off . and it felt like her blood

i don’t remember how we got on the topic but i remember she told me how she always worried a little bit about being trapped . like claustrophobia of a flavor that shows itself in locked doors and thick walls and collapsing underground stations. that made me feel even more odd about the whole thing . of course i felt awful about hurting her but that part of it was like a joke i didn’t get

and then weirdly enough i got really into nineties 3D games. they have these skyboxes that make it really obvious they’re not actually infinite . and i thought that was kind of interesting in context. like the whole world is a box you’re in so why worry so much about if the stairwell door will lock behind you

i kind of started thinking that was something i would like to replicate with my art . like if i put all my issues into one game they would be out of my brain and gone . maybe it could even be pleasant without the whole preying on my friends terror thing

so now we get to the part of the story where i fear i really really messed up . i made this game . and honestly i dont remember the development very well . sleep deprivation is a dreadful thing . i remember again and again while i was making it kind of coming to my senses not knowing where i was and finding massive parts of the game that i didnt remember making at all.

it was set in a stairwell but i dont remember buying or making the models for the door . there was a really weird kind of way the game functioned with an infinite path going up but how that functioned i couldnt tell you . and i dont remember composing the audio or where i might have downloaded it from except that i never liked to listen to it for very long . i dont know why i kept it in the game

i always showed my games to E but i really wanted her to see this one in particular. so she came by my flat and played it and then i remember she just glared at me . there was something to the look she gave me . it was like she was completely horrified and was trying to pretend she was just angry instead

she hasnt spoken to me since . and i think i fucked up . i knew it was playing at her issues and i think maybe i even made it at least subconsciously to pry at them. like the same part of me with dirt under my fingernails was also sitting there typing away on that keyboard .

but at the same time its just a game . and im better at programming now too . like something just clicked there

honestly though development lately has been weird. its been hard trying to go back to the old sort of pixel art platformers and shoot em ups and that kind of thing i used to make. every time i open any program its like im just staring at it and imagining skyboxes. putting it all in a box imprisoning every world i make that kind of thing. like i said earlier ive been considering dropping out. but i dont know. i think id need to sleep on it

i still have weird fucked up dreams but E isnt in them anymore . i dont know where shes gone . i think maybe my idea worked somehow and i did transfer all that shit to my art . and then that just all went right to her . but i dont know if i like that idea or hate it

anyways reddit am i the asshole?

[stormyoceans]

can i vent a little??? ever since ive started loving myself with a violent force and coming to terms with everything ive been through / started having more boundaries, ive lost so many friends... and im wondering how is it that you cope with the loneliness that comes with it? sending you so much love- someone who adores you and your thoughts 💗

hello, anon!!!!

first of all, i hope it's okay to say that im really proud of you for actively choosing to love and take care of yourself. for a lot of people (myself included) that doesn't always come easy, so i hope you know there's a lot of bravery in taking that first step, and in all the ones that come after it

as for your question, im actually not sure if im the best person to ask about loneliness, because that's something i struggle with a lot, so it does feel a little presumptuous to give advice on a matter im still looking for an answer to myself ;;;;;;;; that being said, i can definitely share my perspective and how i try to cope with it, hoping it can be of some help

so, i think the most important thing to keep in mind is that the loneliness is only temporary. there is always a dimension of loss to change, and every loss comes with an adjustment period: when you stop putting other people first in favor of setting boundaries and prioritizing your own needs, some of those people may not be able to accept it and walk out of your life, but as you work on these healthier patterns, you're also opening yourself up to new connections, which will eventually come to you. you just have to keep going and get through this in-between phase

that, of course, it’s easier said than done, especially since meaningful relationships do take some time to build, so there are personally two main things that (more or less) help me cope with loneliness:

changing my mindset and rediscovering the pleasure of my own company. i feel like a big part of both loving yourself and dealing with loneliness is to realize that you’re a pretty fucking awesome person to hang out with. sometimes we tend to focus so much on what we don’t have that we forget about what we do have, and i know maybe it sounds silly to say you have yourself, but that’s actually a lot. so, for example, in the past i would give up on going to watch a movie if i didn’t have anybody to go watch it with, but now i go by myself all the time and have a lot of fun too. it wasn’t easy at first, and sometimes it still takes me a lot of effort to shift the way i think about it (from ‘oh everyone else is here with someone while im here alone’ to ‘im here and im having fun by myself’), however i personally believe there’s a lot of joy to be found in being able to experience and enjoy stuff by yourself. im a very shy introverted person in rl, so it takes me a while to feel comfortable enough with someone to act silly in front of them, but if im alone i can dance around and sing off-key and scream at my screen while watching shows and fail at my culinary experiments without feeling self-conscious. you just have to try different things to see what makes you feel good, and be kind with yourself if it doesn’t always work out. it’s a process, and the more you do it the easier it becomes;

remembering that every connection counts, even the smaller ones, but they don’t come without some effort. in a way it’s true that it’s harder to make friends once you’re an adult and out of school, but i was honestly surprised to realize how many ways there are to connect with people, and how even more casual relationships can help chip away at the loneliness. your interests and your routine can help you a lot in this. going to the same grocery store and coffee shop regularly made me realize how after a while i could recognize the people there and they could recognize me in return. i threw some small talk at some of them (a couple of cashiers and the barista) and eventually we started to share and learn personal stuff about each other. sure, we’re not friends, but these small connections do help me a lot in feeling better about myself and closer to people as a whole. if i had the time, i would also love to join a book club or volunteer to an animal shelter, because those are things i already love to do that could also help me meet new people and become friends with them. tumblr, too, is a great place for that: im not the best at keeping in touch (;;;;;;), but talking about the shows i love on here helped me find a lot of wonderful people that make me feel less lonely, even if we’re not physically close. you just have to remember that all relationships are a matter of give and take, so you have to be open and willing to share some part of yourself (even just the things you like) with others to get the same thing in return.

aaaand after typing all of this out i realized this is probably just a lot of blabbering and it’s not helpful at all ;;;;;;;;; but yeah, unfortunately i don’t think i have many ‘tips’ to give outside of: do the things that you love by yourself, unabashedly, and try to find ways to share them with others, whether that’s just by making a post online or by joining a group about that specific thing. remember that feelings of loneliness often come and go during life, so just be kind to yourself and don’t give up, because there are a lot of people waiting for you out there

and for what is worth, im here too. if you feel lonely and need someone to talk to, or even if you just want to scream about the things that make you happy, i will always gladly listen!!!!!!

[dorotama]

The Dororo thing is so real, I think its so interesting how Kururu and Dororo both have odd ones out loners spying on their friends vibes but Kururu actually hangs out with them very often and Dororo is an actual loner. I cant remember if this gag was present in the early seasons now that I think about it but he literally starts leaving a cardboard cutout of himself instead of going to the meetings. Which like can you even blame him. I think one more little part of it is like, do you want to invite the guy who doesnt want to invade to the invasion meeting just for him to get upset? Dororo might even be aware considering the cutout but then he can still come across a bit like why didnt you invite me to the cause distress to the planet party :( Kind of a silly situation. Theres a stupid manga panel where he has a goddamn wooden computer. There was a relatively recent chapter where Keroro got a goddamn catgirl vtuber avatar made by Kururu so he could stream and all the others were blushing watching him and Dororo pulled out a phone?! Its the exact same as Kururus but with his symbol put on it instead of Kururus so I imagined Kururu might have gotten him that. I cant imagine he knows anything but taking pictures. Actually it might be a bad idea to accept a phone from Kururu but that might depend on the day. It seems I would gullibly accept anything he gives me

Not inviting Dororo places might be more egregious in the manga because I think Koyuki lives like in the next house over but I dont think it gets mentioned a lot? But I also dont remember if the universe is quite as cartoonishly mean to him in the manga. Early seasons vs later seasons vs manga is real hard to keep track of when you start thinking about it. Another autistic thing they added to Kururu later is that he starts making nyo noises almost as much as ku noises, he can say nyo? when surprised, he snores nyoooonyooo when he sleeps, he can sing nyoonyonyonyooo when pressing buttons, hell say nyo! anytime just because, even makes a nyaa once, and generally makes progressively crazier sillier sounds because the voice actor started adlibbing like crazy. It kind of ends up reading like him relaxing and opening up compared to him getting called gloomy before. Oh my God I get so carried away so quickly talking about those frogs

THIS IS ALL SO CRAZY. when you've had a series thats been going for so long its bound to get pretty inconsistent and pretty crazy after a while LOL... the sheer amount of episodes and the extreme variation in quality is partially why i stick to the funimation dub (and a handful of the comics). im the type of autistic who watches and rewatches over and over and likes to be able to memorize the episodes - enough to have at least a vague idea of the scenes in sequence in every episode.... when you have like 300+ episodes and 5 movies combined with spinoffs and an ungodly amount of manga that's just not feasible. there are a handful of other reasons why i consider myself "funimation dub exclusive" (mostly due to the fact that i just prefer the voice acting, characterization and sense of humor)

OF COURSE KERORO WOULD BE A VTUBER. and kululu would be able to make him an avatar in like 45 minutes flat. i kind of subconciously bring them into the modern era in a lot of ways - mostly just because i think its funny to imagine keroro forcing tamama to venmo him 10 yen for taking a sip from his latte or something. there's always so much comedic plot potential with these guys its like they can squeeze an episode out of anything

ive seen bits and pieces of the cardboard cutout thing... i think its very sweet and kind of sad. like most things to do with dororo. hes like obsessed with them while also wanting nothing to do with them. he wants to be part of their group but he cant bring himself to do anything but watch from afar...like..... maybe.... from a window. hypothetically maybe even from a window in a mansion. everything always goes back to his childhood somehow

the wooden computer bit is seriously sending me into hysterics. do you think he carved it himself. does it have windows 98 on it. do you think it's powered by a squirrel running on a wheel

I THINK IVE ALSO SEEN BITS AND PIECES OF THE NYO THING. thats adorable. they keep giving him vocal stims. i love it when he says "clicky" or "clicky-poo" in the dub when he presses a button its so funny and cute

[haveihitanerve]

this might be my new favorite interview of all time

holy fuck

im cackling like mad and cannot stop grinning.

theyre such adorkable beans

have an image description-

“Its not really in our nature to argue , except through lawyers. We sulked.” -Roland orzabal “Now i've got you!!” Smith prepares a sneak attack.  Duran Duran collect their Q award. Tears for Fears were not, repeat not, even a tiny bit jealous.  Launching the new Seeds of Love in 1989. No mic for Curt, then? Curt Smith, one day he’ll graduate to the driver’s seat.

Roland, is it true that you once foresaw Curt’s death in a motor race? And have you had any premonitions lately? RO: No, that’s made up as well. Predictive astrology I know nothing about.  CS: Basically, we are dull people so the press are forced to make things up about us. That said, he did used to try to pick up attractive young ladies by guessing their star signs and, 95 percent of the time, getting it wrong. RO: Actually, I didn't do that at all. I would ask them their birthday, and was then able to tell them what their father was like. I was spot on, mostly. It was very impressive.  CS: No, you would tell them that it was in their future to have an affair with a middle-aged pop star…

Curt, what have you been doing for the past 10-plus years? CS: Hanging on. [Orzabal erupts into slightly manic laughter. Smith ignores him] The day after I left the band, I moved to New York because I wanted to disappear. It’s no coincidence that I moved into a city in which you could disappear very easily. A while later, I made a solo album, which I hated; I had a syndicated radio show in America; I was an MTV VJ. In other words, I had a life.

How the hell did you spend one million pounds making The Seeds Of Love? And do you still consider it to be a work of genius? RO: It cost a million pounds because it took over four years to record, and the studio was 1500 a day. I don't think that, overall, it was a work of complete genius, but there are definitely elements of genius in it. Parts of the album are overproduced and pompous, and listening to those parts now makes me cringe. But every time I do listen to it, I still go, Wow, how did I do that? That’s amazing. It’s the most genius Beatles rip-off in existence. Q gave us five stars, you'll remember. I wouldn't have given it as much as that. But you did. 

Who ripped off The Beatles more- you or Oasis? RO: Oasis ripped off The Rutles, not the Beatles. But Liam does do an amazing Lennon, he just does, his voice sounds beautiful. We were ripping off one aspect of The Beatles- Sgt Pepper- while Oasis have made a career out of it.

Roland, is Fish Out Of Water (from Elemental, his first ‘solo’ Tears For Fears album) about Curt? If so, those are some pretty cutting lyrics… RO: Yes, it is, and it contains some of my favourite lyrics. “We used to sit and talk about primal scream/To exorcise our past was our adolescent dream/But now its sink or swim since your memory fails/Now in Neptune's kitchen you will be food for killer whales.” Fantastic, no? Pure vitriol.  CS: I couldn't give a fuck, quite frankly. Its a compliment, in some ways. RO: Absolutely. It means I cared deeply for him. [Laughs] That’s one way of interpreting it, anyway…

The ‘80s: an era of cocaine, non-stop fashion disasters and infinte greed. Discuss RO: Absolutely. It was a time of Wall Street’s “greed is good”, of Margret Thatcher and rampant free market capitalism, that kind of thing. True, the mullets were a disaster, although my hair is much the same today. But, by then, we were the very antithesis of rock’n’roll. The drugs didn't come until much later- I didn't start doing charlie until the ‘90s, and only then because I wanted to catch up. In the ‘80s, I’d denied myself many pleasures. I was very introverted, very anal.  [Smith nods in silent agreement]

After the fallout in 1990, was Roland pleased to see Curt’s career flop? RO: I didn't like his first solo album at all, but then nor did he. I felt it was going in the wrong direction. But his second, Mayfield, was really good. I thought to myself, Why didn't he do this when we were together? I wouldn't have let him? Well, thats probably true. I did view Tears For Fears very much as my band, I suppose.

Who is the best singer? RO: I am. CS: I am.

You were really pretentious, weren't you? RO: [laughing again] We Still are pretentious! But we’re much better at it now. We’ve blended our pretensions with humor, wouldn't you say? We are humorous and pretentious and middle-aged. We’re both 42, after all. CS: But I look younger RO: Cunt. (yes he says cunt, not curt)

Duran Duran got a lifetime achievement at last years Q Awards. Were you jealous? RO [scoffing]: I think, basically, you are running out of people to give awards to, so watch this space, because it could be us next year? What I want to know is why you didn't give it to Phil Collins. Genesis, the solo years and of course The Lion King, the best record he’s ever made. Anyway, how do you define achievement? As Sting once said… CS: oh, for fucks sake, please don't start quoting Sting.  RO:.... As Sting once said, Music is its own reward.

[raevenlywrites]

Ramble incoming

I know I'm not the only one who looks back on their youth and sees the hypocrisy. But now with some distance I can see that all those "only here for an MRS degree" chickies, we were not so different you and I. On a surface level and even a motivational level yeah, we had wildly different goals. But I could not put an ounce of focus on classes my first freshman year (yes I had two) bc 100% of my attention to was on my love life.

I was just thinking today how different that year might have been if smart phones had come along just a hair sooner. I missed classes specifically bc I felt so isolated from my friends that I prioritized staying at home on the laptop and chatting with them over AIM or Yahoo if they were around. I don't know if I would have paid any attention in class if I'd had messengers I could take on the fucking bus with me (phone plans still charged by the text back then), but at least I would have been in attendance.

But like, more than that, I knew on some level I was just going to school bc that's what you did. I had no interest or motivation in my gen eds bc I didn't see any path between taking this class and making enough money to live. The economy was already starting to seriously crash.

What I could see was how important figuring who my Person was would be. Whatever else time was gonna bring, I Needed the right person or persons by my side to make it through it. Not bc marriage was also just a thing you did, but bc I'd spent way too much time alone in my own head and I knew I needed an outside force to help balance the bullshit that is me

(in fact, one of my potential Persons breaking up with me included the phrase "you don't want to be in love you just want someone to help you with the burden of being you". Like yeah, I do. I want to help you with the burden of being you too, asshole, that's part of what love is)

I never have a tidy way to close these kinds of thoughts out (who does?) but I guess if I have a point it's that sometimes Queer is a verb. I queered the normative "went to college to find a husband" narrative even though on the surface it looked the same. And not just bc I wound up in same sex marriage (in fact we didn't even get married until we'd been together for over a decade) but bc the whole process was simply not the same. I wasn't checking off boxes, I wasn't looking for someone to complete me. I was putting my effort into the one area I felt could make a difference in my quality of life and wellbeing. School was the normative backdrop to a very queer metamorphosis going on inside me. On some level I knew I was arming myself with the people who would help support me on furthering my journey.

Without the support of my polyamorous triad, I wouldn't have had the strength and foundation and support to choose something other than the path that had been laid out before me. Without my mentor in kink, I wouldn't have developed the internal fortitude to be my own master. Without the unconditional love of my wife, I wouldn't have had the courage to explore my own gender and figure out how to shift the pieces around so I wasn't so miserable in my own skin. The people in my life have been so much more important to me than whatever education I missed out on by skipping class to hang out in AIM.

Could I be wildly successful and wealthy by now by that American Dream Bootstraps story by now if I buckled down and studied hard? Maybe, but most likely not. That dream is a lie and almost no one is actually a "self made man" - they all get help from networking. Well guess what? I was doing my own networking at the time, and Im rich in things money can't fucking buy.

Still wish I didn't have all that stupid student debt tho :/

[breserker]

The Rest of IWRY p.2 - Ch.21, 22 outline

So from here on out things are more and more unfinished. Chapter 21 didn't get too far into being written, so I'll post what I have and then finish it with stuff from my notes file -- which does not extend as far as I thought it did. I"ll share what I have including tidbits relating to things I no longer know where to place. After this I'll have to piece it together by memory and explain things a little more laboriously so idk when the next update will be. That's where, I think, more of my commentary will butt in.

So, this chapter winds up dealing with a lot of child abuse and racism in direct. There's your warning, let's go.

Chapter 21: Devil in the Church

I sputtered on the dirt of the forest floor, rolling weakly. Before I could reform my thoughts and pull myself together, Vivi threw her whole body weight around my head, wrapping me in a protective but ultimately detrimental hold. I heard her shouting with all the rage a six-year-old could muster. Then I felt hands roughly grabbing my arms and forcing me to my feet. Vivi toppled away as I struggled to put my tangled marionette legs beneath me. The hands pulled, making me stumble forward. Vivi grasped on to my limp hand and refused to let go.

Awake in name but not definition, I let myself be half-dragged through a blur of forest that no longer looked nor felt familiar to me. Everything spun and my head pounded. The only thing that broke through the dizziness was a creepy-crawly feeling traveling down the edge of my forehead. It wasn't actually cold, whatever was crawling down my head, but it felt like it was. I tried to mumble something, a question, maybe, but the words barely formed in my head much less on my tongue.

We were still on school grounds, that much I gathered since we passed out of the woods to an iron-like gate. Vehicle entrance; the parking lot. Car. Door. Get in. I collapsed, clutching the seat with my ass and legs hanging out of the car. Vivi made a worried hum as she tried to strong-arm the rest of me in. There was a gasp of terror as the hands grabbed my legs and shoved me inside without care. Vivi's small form clambered in after me, and as I heard doors slam, open, slam, car start, she tucked herself under my arm like a worried cat, curled and wide-eyed. I blinked, forcing my eyes to focus.

[pic – laying on a back carseat with a kidnapped girl—oh Im kidnapped too I guess]

He sat in the driver's seat, shifting gears to pull out and get on the road.

He drove.

I gargled, curling my arms in a cockroach-like manner to brush my fingers against my hairline. Vivi continued to hum at a singular, uneased tone, until the barking voice of my father told her to shut up. She did instantaneously. My fingers jabbed the skin at my hairline in shock, an involuntary response to his voice. I tried to stifle my groan as my thumb slipped on something that shouldn't have been there.

[pic – blood]

Vivi squirmed. I put my clean hand over her mouth before she got the idea to make any noises. For the love of god I wish I could move so I could catch a glimpse of her face; meet her eyes to let her know that I was at the very least going to protect her no matter what. The fact that I couldn't guarantee her safety no matter how much I meant to started to make me sick—paired with the inevitable concussion, it was not a good feeling.

Neither of us had any seat belts on. Every time my dad stepped a little too hard on the brakes I felt us roll forward, almost off the edge of the seat. Scooting the two of us back did little to help, so I simply wrapped my arm tighter around Vivi. If I could've sat up I would've, but there was more than just the head wound keeping me low to the ground like a dog. Alternating between shutting my eyes to relieve stimulation and opening them to glean any motivation from my father in the driver's seat, I let building after building pass us by. There was no way to know where we were without sitting up, but we were still relatively close to Kadic.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I slammed my hand over it with a hiss. I glanced up, seeing a tendon stand out on the side of my father's neck. Stuffing my hand into my pocket, I quickly unlocked and put the damn thing on complete silence. Part of my brain panicked and wanted me to shut the whole thing off. I almost did, glancing at the screen to at least get the time.

Aelita had texted me. I stared at her name on the screen. The preview showed that there was something strange going on with Lyoko. Nervously glancing at my dad, I contemplated my position.

An idea was brewing.

Easing my way, I shifted, turning so my back would face the front of the car. Vivi looked at me, panicked and perplexed. I gave her a look that said that I knew what I was doing and I needed her to stay where she was. Dutiful, she did, though not without placing her hands on my shoulder for support as she kept her gaze stone-still ahead. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I raised it until it was behind Vivi's sitting form, as hidden as it possibly could be before I unlocked the screen.

Hey, something's weird on Lyoko. Not an activated tower. Localized activity. We might check it out.

I glanced back at my father, catching his eyes in the rear-view mirror. Distress seized my heart and I broke away, knowing that it was very likely he was just checking the road instead of me. But at any rate, I doubted this was XANA's doing. I doubted this was anyone's doing, except him. Careful and slow, I typed out my message letter by letter, feverishly glancing back when I could without trying to make it seem suspicious. As a result I broke my message up into simpleton words over far too many different texts.

Help. Me n Viv.

Glance over the shoulder, tried to stretch arms to make it look like I was trying to relax.

Try factory.

A pause. Couldn't afford another glance back, so I simply waited until I was brave enough to text again.

Dunno if work.

I turned the screen off. There was no way I was willing to glue myself to the anxiety of waiting for her to respond. I could contact the police. I should contact the police. But I realized then I had no idea of the make or model of the car, no license plate—just that the interior was beige. No recollection of anything. I pulled my arm backwards, gently bumping my elbow to the small of Vivi's back. She tensed at the touch, far too alert. I rolled my head back, staring at the stiff profile of her face before looking back to the driver's seat.

“Hey,” I broke the silence. Vivi stiffened further, but my dad didn't respond, “Hey, where are you going?”

This was a calculated risk, but calculations could still lead to disaster. I unfurled my arm and wrapped it around Vivi's waist for reassurance and protection, “Hey, why'd you take us?”

“You insult my hard work by skipping classes again, you dare raise your hands against me, and you spend all your free-time with that little brat instead of studying or focusing on your future. If you couldn't understand four years ago, you better understand now.”

I swallowed the rock in my throat, looking at Vivi. Somehow there was courage there, despite everything, mostly for her sake. If there was fear, it wasn't a detriment to me.

“Well,” my voice cracked, “Just uh. Just stay away from haunted places. Y'know, abandoned stuff.”

My father's brow furrowed in confusion, which in his language meant anger. I kept my gaze focused on Vivi, heart pounding, finding the will to keep speaking.

“She's just, scared of them, y'know?” God I hoped I sounded convincing, because the way I was speaking did not sound like me, “I took her to this factory one time, and she hated it. Can't stand it, y'know? So uh. Just. Steer clear, huh?”

He slammed on the brakes. Were it not for the fact that I had embraced Vivi again, she would've gone flying and slammed her head on the divider between the seats up front. I noticed his knuckles were white, but they soon mellowed out to their normal color. It meant he was thinking, and thinking was what I wanted him to do. The turn signal clicked on, and he followed it. I settled back in, banking on him doing what I wanted him to do. Unlocking my phone, I saw that Aelita had responded, but I had no time to have a conversation. I double-checked my contacts.

Then I sent her my father's phone number with instructions: Call this when I say.

Setting up the signal but not sending it over, I slipped my phone back into my pocket. As he drove, more buildings passing by, I mimed the motions with my thumb to send the text while keeping my hand inconspicuously in my pocket. Letting my lids fall halfway down my eyes, I squeezed Vivi tight. She squeezed my arm back. It became a trade off. Every other minute, whenever one of us got anxious, one would squeeze and the other would respond.

A larger and darker than usual building passed by, and I turned my head, eyes alert. The building was industrial. Straining myself and causing my head to pound again, I pulled my elbows beneath me and peeked out at street level.

There.

A familiar river with concrete embankments.

He fell for it.

“H-Hey,” I stammered, nearly forgetting to keep up the act, “What're you doing, I said she was scare—,”

Another slam on the brakes, and I clutched Vivi as half my body tumbled off the edge of the seats. He put the car in park. Frantically slipping my hand in my pocket, I went through the motions to send Aelita the signal as fast as I could. Whether it sent or not I had no time to look because he got out of the car and opened the door at my head. All I could do was hope.

[pic – get out of the car]

I pulled Vivi close to my legs, dimly aware that if I didn't focus all my power into standing that I would unfairly lean on her for support. There was no choice but to will the pain to recede, aided by the pounding of my heart as I watched him. I strafed around the car, slow, only taking my eyes off of him once to glance behind me. The bridge to the factory—my factory was only a stone's throw away. The first part of my plan had worked, but it wasn't time to celebrate yet. It was only serendipitous and not yet set in stone. There was no way to know if I had sent the signal to Aelita, there was no way to know when she'd get worried enough from waiting that she'd just call.

He opened his mouth to start lecturing, ordering, whatever he was going to do. Tensing my shoulders in response so the blood roared in my ears, he was starting to drown himself out as I inched farther and farther backwards towards the bridge. All of the sudden his eyes changed, snapping with the realization that I was trying to make a very slow getaway. Slow and steady would not win this race. I bit my lip and swallowed. Come on. Come on.

A shrill, default ringtone split the tension. My father flinched, then cursed, digging his phone out from his pocket. I waited, watching his every move, as he struggled with the modern phone. He turned away and answered with a harsh and angry hallo.

[pic – pick up vivi and BOOK IT]

A small cry of shock emitted from Vivi's throat, belated and accompanied by her hands digging into my shoulders after I had taken off without warning. I gripped her tight in response, letting adrenaline fly me forward. Bolting down the bridge, into the factory, and sliding on the dusty floor to change directions to run down its lengths, I felt the trail of blood from my forehead slip onto the floor behind me. Couldn't stop to swipe it away or think about it. I swore I could already hear feet in pursuit.

[pic – bloodstained shoe]

I could've hid down in the lab, but there was no doubt my father was close enough behind me that he'd either hear the elevator or follow my path close enough that he'd wind up there anyway. Even though I knew this factory so damn well, I was not going to put my faith and risk everything on something that was only safe if it was a secret.

But there was no way I could keep running forever.

[pic – hiding behind an i-beam]

The factory was derelict. Any part of its labyrinth I ran to could've spelled paralyzation or death. I couldn't take risks and just fuck off somewhere I didn't know, especially not with Vivi in my arms. Taking a deep breath, I waited until the sounds he made started to echo like he was furiously searching the next room.

[pic – go go go]

A door. Upstairs. To the roof. It'd be a dead end. But it was in the exact opposite place of the lab, and if I was just playing a game of prolonging, then this was how I could do it. Even if I had to play matador with him on the rooftop. Snatching a junky bar of metal, I shouldered the door open, slammed it, and wedged the metal in the jamb. Weak, but it would buy us some time.

Running up the stairs took its toll, and I felt sweat start to roll down my face in place of blood. Shouldering the door to the roof was less of a shove and more of a push as my heavy feet beat upon the rooftop until my knees shook. I uttered a groan like I was going to vomit as the world went dizzy. Numbly understanding that my adrenaline was spent and that the hit to the head was worse than I thought, I started to lower Vivi to the ground, clumsily falling to my knees. I winced as my kneecaps burned from the impact. Arms falling limp, I didn't even have time to look at Vivi to see if she was okay before the rest of my body collapsed and my scarred cheek hit the cool roof.

[pic - that]

“Reese!” Vivi called, putting her hands to my shoulder and shoving against it, “Reese, Reese!”

I groaned, forcing words out, “Stay close. Stay close until...argh, until I tell you to run.”

If I couldn't fight against him, at the very least if Vivi was close I'd be able to curl my body over hers and act as a shield until it was over or there was an opening for her to go. My last words were stuttered over several swallows and the useless flapping of my tongue, but she seemed to get the gist of it without being able to say that she did. She kept shoving against me, scrabbling her small fingers in desperation. I groaned again, screwing my eyes shut and pushing my hand back up to my forehead. Inadvertently I had pushed sweat into my wound as I did so and the groan became a quiet, pitiful wail.

Vivi was dangerously silent in her panic. For all her talk of dragons and warriors and adventures, she couldn't muster up the courage when the real world became more ugly than her stories. Not that I was blaming her. I wished this was another adventure. I wished we were fighting just a dragon so we could go home and laugh about it later. She gargled in fear and pressed her body against mine, making a continuous low whine that told me she was trying to stop herself from crying.

[[and the written text ends here. Now it's scraps of notes]]

Chapter 21: devil in the church

KIDNAPPING!!! reese and vivi in a car reese tries to text aelita laying on the backseat call this number (his dads number) (help factory) aelita distracts his dad, reese picks vivi up and RUNS factory roof yumi and aelita go to help reese, odd and jeremie check out lyoko. Yumi wants aelita on lyoko not here. Aelita stays in the stairwell, yumi goes up and offers herself in exchange for vivi reese manages to get up, bloodied, attack father from behind fight and yelling and such reese gets so hurt i'm serious here father goes over, yumi stops reese from doing the same big glowy explosion thing on lyoko reese passes out

chapter 22: phoenix with a heartache?

the yumi pov chapter

aelita pleading to the EMT to go with reese. “i'm his girlfriend!” “sorry ma'am--” “please, i'm the only one he has left!” ok now she can go but this triggers a ! response in yumi and shes like fuck man all this shit happening bc of reese.... yumi basically has to take care of vivi bc periwinkles in the hospital vivi pushes yumi off her own bed yumi tolerates it vivi is like catatonically silent, thats weird, according to odd

[chaosjester666]

So yea ✨️rant time✨️ because if I don't get this off of my chest I don't know what I will do to my self (TW: Talk of neglect, almost child abuse/assault, throwing up, guilt tripping, manipulation, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of sh)

So lately my mom has saddled me with a shit ton of stuff to do, despite the fact that I am trying to relax and not worry about the fact that I have a court case soon which I will not be discussing in this rant but still and I haven't gotten around to it in like 3 days cause 1) my insomnia is back which is not giving me any energy 2) I've been having migraines 3) I have been feeling sick

Now most parents when their kid tells them that they feel like their going to throw up normal care and let the kid rest, my mother? No. She instead tells me to "go throw up then" and that "for her entire freshman year and for the most part of her time in high-school she threw up ✨️daily✨️ which is not healthy so you would think she wouldn't want that for her child but no, instead she guilts me with it.

So that's been happening and now she has threatened with taking away ALL of my safe spaces as some form of messed up threat. And when I was about to begine because I'm sick of her taking my safe places from me I got sick so I went to my bathroom, and that's where she found me and she didn't even let me explain before ordering me to do more things so my list was now A)sort through books to see which are in good condition so she can uses them when she starts teaching 1st grade(why is she even making me do it solo?) B) orginize A SHIT TON LIKE 7 STORAGE BOXES WORTH of old toys and other objects from when I was little(by myself mind you and I have the attention span of a squirrel on crack) and C) feed the animals(which lately she has me do all the damn time because she's too "tired" or "waiting for her bf to tell her to come over") and D) take a shower all by the time she comes back and like she doesn't even tell me properly what time she'll be back I just have to assume she'll be back by 5, but then not even like 5-10min later AS IM ABOUT TO TAKE A SH- she calls me and tells me to come down to her bfs house.

[Now some context on why I HATE her bf, I have known her bf(M) for as long as I've been born and he is very much old school boomer, and I vividly remember one time when I was IN EITHER KINDERGARTEN OR 1ST GRADE I was being a brat (like how most kids that age are when they are being forced to do something they don't want to do) and M decided to WRAP ME IN DUCK TAPE AND PUT TAPE ON MY MOUTH mind you I was in one of those puffy winter coats BUT STILL THAT SHIT TRAUMATIZED ME. And whenever I'm around him ever since my parents divorced it feels like he's trying to be a father figure, while at the same time treating me like a servant or a brat. And my mom has forced me to go with her and her fucking boy toy on camping trips and whenever that happens I'm treated like dirt by the both of them. And he tries CONSTANTLY to trie and "stear me onto the right track in life" yet also going on and on about how I have "no respect for anyone" and that I'm an "entitled brat" and he gets pissed when I don't talk to him when I'm forced on one of their trips or when im forced to eat dinner at his place yet when I talk to him he gets pissed at me if I say something a certain way. So yea I don't like him(and it doesn't help that if I don't go down to his place when my mother asks me to come down I get yelled at).]

I ofcourse confused ask why and am just told to come down because she "told me to" and I want to know why cause I had already texted her that I was going to take a shower soon, but she won't tell me and then her boy toy gets on the line spewing shit about how I have no respect and the like before hanging up. And so I just shrug it off and JUST AS IM ABOUT TO TAKE MY SHOWER LIKE 2-3MIN LATER my fucking mother comes in and tells me to put my robe on before walking away

Now I'm confused AND now really annoyed, and so I put my robe on and go out to where they were and then told to "pick a seat" and they give me no context AND THEN AND FUCKING THEN MY MOTHERS FUCKING BOY TOY WHO IS ALMOST TWICE HER AGE STARTS ASKING ME "WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS" "WHY DO YOU HAVE NO RESPECT" "WHAT HAS YOU ACTING LIKE THIS" AND OTHER SIMILAR THINGS AND THEN STARTS PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH "IS IT SOMETHING AT SCHOOL" "IS IT SOMETHING AT HOME" "IS IT TO DO WITH ME" "WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS" AND I DONT WANT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS SHIT

AND WHEN I MENTION THAT ID RATHER TALK TO A THERAPIST ABOUT THIS SHIT HE GOES "well im a therapist" now I have known this man MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE and I have never heard of this before and when I tell him I don't belive him he goes "want me to get my license? My phd?" AND IM JUST GOING IN MY HEAD "THIS MAN IS A MECHANIC WHAT THE FUCK" and then it dawns(hehe...) on me he's serious and now I have another reason not to talk to him about this shit

Cause you see ever since I was Itty bitty like kindergarten grade and YOUNGER I have had to tag along to my mothers therapy appointments and as I got older and my anger issues began to develop and get worse I still had to come along and so when I would snap AND MY MOM WOULD GO TO HEAR THERAPIST(DAWN) I WOULD ALSO BE THERE AND THEN DAWN WOULD GRILL ME ABOUT IT AND WHY I ACTED THE WAY I DID AND EVEN AFTER TELLING THE TRUTH I WOULDNT BE BELIVED AND SHE ACTUALLY TRAMATIZED ME AND SO NOW I DONT TRUST ANY THEARPIST THAT COULD KNOW DAWN OR MY MOTHER

And it doesn't help that this went on for years until it got to the point where Dawn had given me multiple mental and emotional breakdowns. And it also didn't help that during my childhood I was bullied by a 20 something cousin in 2-3, emotionally neglected by my mother and grandmother(Sue), was basicly taught that negative emotions were not allowed, was constantly bullied at school and 1-4 had 1 toxic af friend and in 5th and an toxic friend group, was subconsciously taught that violence was the only way to be taken seriously, was taught to bottle up all anger until it burst, was not given a therapist until 6th and even then said therapist knew Dawn, was taught that my mental needs didn't matter, was taught that I would never be listened to, taught myself how to dissociate, became borderline dependent on the internet to save face and sanity, taught that no matter what I do ill never be enough, taught that my thoughts on a subject didn't matter, taught that I had no choice in career or schooling, and that my feelings didn't matter so long as I got "a good education". So to say I have issues is an under statement

And so I really didn't feel comfy talking to mother(kasondra)s boy toy and so I started doing my breathing exercises to calm down seeing as I knew I would be allowed to walk away. But then kasondras boy toy got pissed I was "ignoring" him and said "don't you start crying now" and after I didn't give him a reaction HE SLAMMEDD ON THE TABLE MULTIPLE TIMES TO TRY TO GET MY ATTENTION AND SAID "CMON GIRL GET MAD CUSS AT ME SWEAR AT ME TELL ME HOW YOU REALLY FEEL" and when I explained in a tense but calm voice that I was doing my breathing exercises he said "don't get mad yell at me tell me how you really feel" (now see I have trained myself to never tell those who are in cahoots with kasondra my real feelings) and so I snapped and yelled at him, this is how it went

"JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE I DONT WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT" -me

"oh ho ho ho ho don't you speak to me like that little girl"- kasondras boy toy

I began my breathing exercises again

"Look at me little girl you need to start respecting your mom, now what is wrong with you, what has you acting this way"

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Why"

"Because you won't like any answer I give"

"Oh is that it we won't do what you want"

"No"

"Then what is it"

"... just leave me alone"

"There it is 'leave me alone' what do you think that'll fix"

"I'd rather talk to a actual therapist"

"Do you really think a therapist will just fix everything? Cause I'm going to be honest therapy ain't going to do shit"

And it kept going like that back and forth until I snapped

"JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, I NEED FUCKING THERAPY AND I AM TRYING TO CALM MYSELF DOWN BUT YOU ARNT LETTING ME AND YOU(kasondra) KNOW THAT I NEED TO BE ALONE TO CALM DOWN YOU KNOW THIS AND I AM FUCKING DONE WITH ENTERTAINING THIS SHIT SI JIST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE"

And kasondras boy toy the proceeds to threaten to bust my ass for talking like that WHEN THAT WAS WHTA I WAS WANTING FROM ME and we started a back and forth again. And I'm starting to get a side effect of having to bottle up all negative emotions because of kasondra, having an emotional break down when pissed. So im hyperventilating while this fucking boomer goes on and on about how I have no respect for anyone and how I am a entitled brat and when I told him to just leave me alone he grabbed my moms belt(WHO FUCKING OFFERED IT TO HIM WHEN HE THREATENED TO BUST MY ASS TO WHERE I WOULDNT EVEN BE ABLE TO FUCKING SPEAK) and went to hit me, AND SO I FUCKING FLINCHED AND COVERED MY FACE AS I BEGAN HAVING A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK he didn't hit me but he got in my face and started talking about how if I was his kid he would have beat me for talking that way and when I said "good thing I'm not your kid then" HE GOT IN MY FACE AND STARTED YELLING AT ME

I finally got him to leave me alone and leave and I go and took my shower and had a complete melt down in the shower I had thoughts I hadent had IN YEARS, I thought about self unalivent and sh, which scared me cause I have to many friends to live for to even consider that, but hey at least that tipped me off on the fact that now I'm even worse mentally. And then fucking kasondra came in asking for my Swiss army knife one of my few comfort items(and I can't tell her that and she'll push and I ddint want to disclose that "hey I feel so unsafe in this house that having easy access to a UTILITY TOOL is a comfort") when I asked why she revealed Stephanie(kasondras boy toys daughter WHO IS CLOSE TO KASPNDRAS AGE) recommended TAKING EVERY SINGLE KNIFE IN THE HOUSE AND PUTTING IT IN THE SAFE so now I am down a comfort item, my safe places being threatened, feeling like shit and that even my own blood sees me as a danger, like my emotions and feelings don't matter, like my mental health doesn't matter, that my own mother considers her boy toys daughters opinion over mine, and that the only reason I'm still alive and living in this house is A) I have to many friends that I can't die on, B) I have to many plans with friends to give up, C) I don't have the money to support getting myself a place and still being able to bring my cat with, and lastly I still have goals to accomplish

So all in all today has been shit

[it-is-the-female-federal]

so i'm a detrans radfem (detrans'd back in august) and the past few weeks i've been really examining my attraction to others for the first time since i came out as bisexual years ago. and im starting to think that maybe i'm heterosexual and i just. don't know how to cope with that. being part of the 'queer' community was such a big part of my identity for years, and then even after i detransitioned i still was proud to be a bisexual woman and part of the LGB community. but really i can barely remember any specific times i was sexually attracted to women except when i forced the feeling while very briefly dating a girl back in high school. i just had assumed i was bisexual bc i like hanging out with women a lot and theyre objectively rlly pretty and i would love to find a female life partner but. theres just this strong sexual desire i get with men and not women and i'm finally realizing that but i hate the idea of being a straight woman, especially as someone who has made the choice to not date men for political and safety reasons. on top of that, all of my friends are bisexual and with how many jokes we've made about heterosexuals in the past, i'm worried i wouldn't fit in as much. sorry for the rant i just felt upset and needed to get it off my chest

Sweety, I am glad you found a way to get it off your chest, and if you want a bigger conversation, my dms are open.

Anyway, it is normal to feel confused as a teenager and if you are surrounded by a certain group you want to fit in. I think all the women are pretty, so of course you should be attracted to them muddied the water of the conversations around attraction. Aesthetically pleasing and attraction/desire are different things, and people need to accept that yeah, sometimes you happen to be straight. My test whenever I doubt my attraction is, can I envision myself having sex with a woman and enjoying it. My answer is always yes, but it has helped me make my feelings clearer. I think you have had a similar train of thought and came to the conclusion of being straight. It is difficult to accept parts of yourself that you put away, but if they are truly your friends, they will support you. Especially if they hung arpund after detransitioning. That is not easy to accept, maybe in q**** spaces, but they stood by you as you found more of yourself. Sexuality is a part of you, but it isn't you nor your identity or personality. You are more than the sum of your attributes, and the defining characteristic shouldn't be your sexuality, but your compassion or kindness or passion. I wish you lots of luck on this journey of self-acceptance, and my dms are open. Hopefully, you got something useful out of my response. I want to wish you the best of luck anon❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[dancedance-resolution]

job & gender thoughts

i have just realized that a lot of the issues i’ve had at work regarding appearance are all just gender lol. first it was my scrubs fitting like shit, and it was resolved when emi gave me her old scrubs, “girl why were you hiding that figure!”. then my hair looking like shit bc i never do anything with it. then my lack of makeup. and today when emi asked if i wanted to be a “model” for laser leg hair removal and was astonished i turned down what is equivalent to a ~$1.5k series of services…. she asked why and i said some old catholic hang ups which is honestly fucking hilarious looking back but like. yeah. idk why it’s taken me 3 months here to connect the dots that it’s all gender lol

i do enjoy femininity in myself, and i fucking loved it when i was dating a butch. being with her made me feel so much joy and confidence with my gender and allowed me to explore femininity so much more. she’s not really relevant to this since we had broken up a month before i started this job but yeah - wait Oh i remember the point i was trying to make. so the big motivator to my thinking i was transmasc era was a reaction to how restrictive the forced femininity of existing in a catholic space felt to me. but the type of femininity forced on me back then was even very different from now. this is all appearance based, and in my old life i was allowed to not put too much effort into a feminine appearance (TO AN EXTENT) so long as i maintained other signifiers of catholic femininity.

i remember when i first started this job and emi sent out that text about how makeup etc is mandatory, i told my mom i’d quit on the spot if that was actually enforced. and i made it some principled social thing when justifying that to her lol bc even to my own self i think i hadn’t realized how gender related my opposition was.

(“ddr why does your job require makeup etc” estheticians work there and it’s essentially a beauty-making place so i understand it to an extent)

i know i’m not great at my job but i’m very fucking decent at it. i unfortunately do work quite hard. when i started i was basically just a cashier and now i am the sole ava person, sole pictures person, main phone person, and 9 times out of 10 the runner (though i am the cashier far less). i am always busy (i’ve stopped even bringing a book to work) and always working when on the clock. and emi knows this but doesn’t know this i think. today i told maddy i didn’t want to take on extra picture responsibility and i guess i/she conveyed it wrong bc then i overhear emi tell her “since when could ppl pick what to do at their job” and like first of all maddy “picks” not to do pictures or numbing bc it makes her uncomfy and i’m able to do it for her easily, and so i assumed i was allowed to “pick” not to be the picture file person bc taylor already does that as far as i know. i think i did decently explaining my actual thought process to emi but like. i feel like the difference btw how lauren is presumed competent (which she is!!!) and how i’m not presumed competent by maddy (lots of other examples of this) is very obvious to me but not emi. but maddy is emi’s source of info regarding what me and lauren do so. my mom would say i need to talk to emi directly and advocate for myself more but idk. this is just a job to me and i need to learn how to care less about what emi thinks of me as a worker lol.

but what im also getting at here - to what extent was lauren presumed competent over me bc she appears more professional. which is valid to an extent! like she is objectively more “professional” i think, but also i still don’t really understand what creates professionalism so maybe i’m wrong. but anyways - emi has had to fight me regarding my appearance etc and that’s never been the case for lauren. she has been competent appearance wise from day one, so i guess she gets subconscious presumption of competence at her job too. (which she is!! lauren is lovely and a hard worker! but objectively does way less than i do and yet maddy’s out here telling emi i don’t want to take on extra responsibility in a way that doesn’t paint me well i guess meanwhile she says to emi that lauren shouldn’t have to take on that same work bc lauren’s always busy, but she’s on her phone sometimes WHICH IS NOT A SIN TO ME but when i’m breathing wrong it’s a sin to maddy lol so. what’s going on with this lol.

so idk these are my thoughts. what have i gotten out of writing this, i need to care less about work lol. way less haha. i’m not on the clock why have i spent this long thinking about work. & also maybe i need to figure out a way to convey to emi that my lack of feminine appearance isn’t motivated by me blowing off her rule but rather is complicated and hard for me lol. idk if she’ll respect that (she certainly won’t understand it lol) so maybe i don’t but yeah

[bye-bye-firefly]

So I finished House of Leaves! It was weird. Like an Experience. I think I’m gonna reread it sometime, it feels like a good rereading book. The formatting was really cool. I really liked it when the pages would go like all over the place. Or when there would only be like a few sentences or something on the pages.

The part where the words like get all cramped and then just get even more cramped like the little passageway Navidson is climbing through was so much fun! And like I loved it when the book would make you start turning the book around to read the words. Like it made such a cool atmosphere?? And during that section where it lists a bunch of buildings and names and then they go away but the section with materials is still there but then that goes black and there’s just this empty space??? It kept making such an awesome atmospheree, soooo cooolllll!!

Also, while reading the building list I discovered that there’s this building called House House, I thought that was silly, it made me giggle. And the highlighted text! The House is always popping out at youu. The house is blue and blue is the house! And the Minotaur is red! Very fun. And the little checkmark that’s in the corner of that pageee. That is such an awesome detail! The mom’s letters were very rhghhhg, I really just wanted to give her a cookie or a hug or something.

(That last letter took a really long time to decode. I know I have no one but myself to blame since someone has probably posted it online and I didn’t need to decode it but like, the relief when it was over).

I also felt pretty bad for Johnny, like, I wasn’t a fan of his personality but his life sucked really hard and then the way he just spiraled was so horrifying. The sections that were just his monologuing were so shivery, the paranoia and the self-isolation and the Fear mmhjkhfhj.

I also really liked the Navidson Record stuff! The house was very creepy! It reminded me of the houses in Nameless. The darkness descriptions were very and the way the hallways would just bend and disappear but the way they talked about it made it sound like such a place. 10/10 stars on airbnb

(Sorry about how awkward the spaces between sections probably are, I had originally just written everything as one big wall of text and then I was like “I should probably break this up”)

THIS IS SO FUCKING REAL!!!! i love showing people the book or recommending it and then of course the first thing you get to hear about is. Thumper. and. Well. Johnny's. Deal. but i feel the same way about him like hes not a good guy to hang around and i would hate to have to hang out with him but man. his upbringing was fuckin rough. but of course the highlight of the entire story is being able to dive into the houses and the analysis that zampano provides in his essay. but also like i need a book that fucks with you typographically. i need MORE of this you know the way it spirals around the way the words are highlighted or crossed out or bolded the way it forces you to read faster and faster as you flip the pages and it makes you BREATHE faster like the corridor becomes more cramped as time goes on until there is just ONE WORD to each page and you are flipping BANG BANG BANG ITS BEAUTIFUL!!!! I need to be fucked with. Typographically

im really glad you liked it because this is like one of my favourite books of all time. i think the order goes like. the stand by stephen king -> house of leaves by mark z danielewski -> sorrow and bliss by meg mason if i am to just give my top 3. and then after that it gets harder to sort all of them. if it weren't for house of leaves AND JACOB GELLER A LOT JACOB GELLER then i dont think nameless would've ever been published. we would've gotten a murder mystery fic like it was meant to be and idk if i would have as much fun with that but im sure i would figure out a way. i always do