#im starting to feel better again but im trying to actually pace myself these days dhskskhdhd

[guiltiestlove]

Blackquill would hold your hand while waiting at the doctors if ur scared even if he is not big on pda

ueueuuegeheeugegeheuehdhhehehehehggggggg i have so many doctors appointments and imagining dragging simon around to them by the hand as he glares at everyone is making my day 😭😭😭

gawd simon bringing out his “SILENCE!” for a doctor thats dismissive is better than smut LMFAO

i always say that dealing with the healthcare system as a chronically ill disabled person feels like pleading your case in court…

[l0h3ngrin]

Taiga x gn!cat-Reader!

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Summary: saw someone on here asking for a cat girl mc one shot with taiga, she gets hit with an anomalous disease and has to work with Sinostra while this is happening! :3 added my own little twist to it though!!

Warnings: Fluff, swearing, crack(?) (idk what you guys call comedy now don’t come for me 💔💔)

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It’s been a rough day for you, first you have to go on a mission with one of your least favorite houses because they’re batshit insane, they being Sinostra, then you have to fight some weird cat anomaly thats been terrorizing this rich resort by Harajuku going undercover as cleaning staff, and on top of that when the four of you go and capture the anomaly it managed to give you a mean scratch!

Now, it would’ve been nice to say that you successfully managed to catch the anomaly but sadly that isn’t the case. Why? It’s because that stupid fucking red head ATE it. God you’re just so tired but at least you’re back at darkwick. After having Sinostra sign the investigation off for you, you then go to Mortkranken to get that scratch checked out.

On your way there you start feeling a bit off, a bit dizzy like the worlds spinning, quickening your pace you notice that for some odd reason your senses have slowly become stronger, you can hear things clearer, you can smell way better than normal, hell you could almost feel the molecules of air touching your fingertips.

“Augh!” You run into something, rubbing your head to sooth the pain, you look up to notice that you’ve made it to Mortkranken, finally! Opening the door you make a beeline straight to Yuri’s office making sure to knock on the door before entering. “Jiro, I told you to go and send in the report to the headmaster once you’re done with the autopsy, do i have to do everything myself! Im a busy man you know!!” “Ah- actually its y/n..sorry to interrupt you..” you reply shyly.

“Oh.. I-I KNEW THAT!!” Yuri quickly says with flushed cheeks, “anyways what is it that you-“ He freezes mid sentence as he looks at you with his eyes like saucers with the way he stared at you widely, “-want…” you’re confused but you decide to ignore it and just tell him what it is you need. “Well, earlier today during my mission with Sinostra I got scratched by this cat anomaly we where trying to capture, I came here to ask if you could check it out and disinfect it. I know you’re busy but I doubt Romeo would want to help me and Ritsu ran off saying he needed to meet up with some client of his.”

“Y-yeah, I can see that…” you look at him, again confusion written all over your face, but this time you decide to ask him instead of ignore, “what do you mean?” “What do you mean what do I mean? Have you SEEN yourself!” He says as if stating the obvious, “uhm..no..what are you even talking about? Look, if you’re just here to judge me for looking like a mess instead of helping me i’ll go find professor Nicholas to help.” You say huffing, a pout forming on your face, yuri quickly stops you though, “NO! N-no, I’m being serious here!! God why are you so fucking stupid.” He mutters at the end face palming, as he continues “I MEAN look in the mirror!! Like actually! Here!!” He quickly looks around his messy ass office looking for something as you give him a skeptical look.

“AHAH! Here!” You flinch a little from that, but take the mirror he hands to you, it drops to the floor. “Do you see what i mean now?!” He asks (yells) you. You can’t believe this. Picking up the mirror again you look at yourself closely, you have cat ears. You have whiskers. Whats worse of all you realize something tickling your legs, looking down you see a cat tail. “Fuck.” This has to be from the scratch that damn anomaly gave you, theres no other explanation for it! You, again, ask Yuri to help you out with the situation and he does, quickly taking you to his lab and running some tests on you.

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About two hours have passed since that little tragedy, in that time you where given a medication prescribed by the one and only Yuri himself, and once you left you gave professor Moby the signed documents, you both ended up discussing your…current issue for a while and by the end he said he had ANOTHER document that you had to give to Sinostra, more specifically to the captain, none other than Taiga.

Now you where on your way walking to Sinostra, worried about how everyone would react to this new look of yours, especially Taiga, he was probably gonna laugh his ass off, or he might be in a mad mood and torture you by like cutting off your tail or something! Actually now that you think about it, would you be able to feel anything from your tail? Is it now an extension of your body?

After overthinking your way to the casino you finally made it. Making your way through the crowd and ignoring the stares you try and see if Taiga’s anywhere to be seen at one of the booths. After a few minutes of searching you come to the conclusion he must be in his room being weird and menacing or something.

Reaching his door you take a deep breath, heart pounding and hands clammy- jeez when did you even start to get this nervous? Closing your eyes you take one more breath to calm your nerves a bit and knock on the door, “h-hello? Taiga Professor Moby wanted me to have you sign this-“ the door bursts open as you feel someone pull you in and pin you against the door as soon as its shut. “Who the fuck’re you and waddaya want?” You look up to see Taiga quite literally bearing his fangs at you growling. Um okay furry the fuck?

You quickly shake your head to clear your thoughts, “ah- uhm- i’m here because professor Moby wanted me to give you this document to sign!” You say quickly pulling out said document with shaky hands. Looking you up and down, he smirks all of a sudden, “well look at you, what a pretty kitty, came all this way to see me huh?” He backs away from you and sits down on the couch in front of his bed, “c’mere, gimmie that.” He gestures to the documents.

Quickly giving him the papers you take a few steps back to give him space, as he’s skimming over it he steals a few glances from you before he finally signs it. Reaching out for the document he quickly pulls it out of your reach, “nuh uh. Before i give you this yer g’na tell me where i know ya from, got it?” He looks at you expectantly, as you sigh, “we where just on a mission together the other day, theres no way you forgot about me that quickly…i’m dumbass number 2 remember?” He gives a look of realization as he finally remembers, “ OHH RIGHT DUMBASS NUMBER 2 LMAO!! Jeez I couldn’t remember ya with that new look ya got, so you got it to impress me or somethin’ im assuming? Please, relax there I know i’m hot shit but no need to take it to the extreme, i’ll remember ya’ soon enough.” He says with a smirk getting up from the couch. “No, actually- This ‘new look’ is from the anomaly we had to deal with yesterday, it scratched me and I must’ve gotten infected by the scratch seeing as how I look like this now” you say matter of factly

He rests a hand on his chin, “really now? Well whatever the reason may be I still call that you did it so I could notice you, which is totally okay ‘cuz you where pretty hot, and now yer’ even hotter!” Blushing you scoff and turn around so he can’t see you, although your tail seems to give everything away, “w-whatever, if we’re done here I have to go, see you later Taiga.” You begin walking to the door, and as you’re about to place your hand on the handle a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you away, “not so fast kitten, i’m not done with ya’ I wanna play with you a little before I let you go.” Your eyes go wide as you blush even harder at the new nickname he’s given you.

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A/n: hey guyss sorry this one probably wasn’t the best! I literally wrote all of this within the span of like 30-45 mins like just now and its 11pm 😭 im super exhausted, but i hope you enjoyed!! Also tagging the person who had this idea! :)) (thank you for this i was bored outta my mind and i wanted to write something)

(Person who came up with the idea) @everyonesfinaldestination

[noirsfantasy]

Okay, so you mentioned AU's so please hear me out.

Can you please write something smutty with Bang Chan in a Red Riding Hood AU?

He doesn't even need to be a were!wolf per say, he just has to have wolffish tendencies.

Anyway, I thought I'd give it a shot 👍🏻👍🏻

𝕽𝖊𝖉 𝕽𝖎𝖉𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝕳𝖔𝖔𝖉

Word Count:

Type: Red Riding Hood AU, Smut

Pairing: Wolf!Bang Chan x Red Riding Hood!Reader

Summary:

A/N: I got this request a while ago and I actually really liked the idea. I decided to put my own little twist on it so please enjoy. Just to preface, this isn’t like a furry story or human x wolf, it’s completely metaphorical. Anyways, enjoy!

Leaves crunch under my feet as I stroll leisurely through the forest. My hands hold tight to a picnic basket that I’d packed to the brim with delicious treats. The sounds of nature are all around me and I can feel the sunlight peeking through the trees. I can see the squirrels jumping through the trees. I hear a woodpecker in the distance. It truly is a beautiful day to be out in nature. Taking a deep breath of fresh air, I smile to myself.

I am on my way to my granny’s little cottage to bring her some of her favorite foods. And a bit of a surprise. I am so excited that Mother sent me on this trip. I’ve wanted to visit Granny for the longest and I just know she’ll be shocked to see me. The thought of the surprised look on her face puts a pep in my step and I pick up the pace, walking the trail to her cottage.

It’s about thirty more minutes until I finally see her house in the distance. It’s such a cute little home. As I approach, I put on my biggest smile and knock on the door. I wait patiently for an answer, but there is none.

“Granny? It’s me, I’m here to bring you some treats!” I call out. Still no answer. I knock again and I hear a very hoarse “Come in.” I gingerly turn the doorknob and walk in. All the lights are off and I begin to worry. “Granny? You in here?” I ask, looking around.

“Over here, darling.” Her voice sounds low and raspy, but I walk in the direction of it.

“Goodness, Granny. Are you sick? Your voice sounds terrible.” I comment as I approach her room. It’s dark in there too. “I’m going to make you some tea, let me just find the light first.” I start feeling around the wall for the light switch, but before I could turn it on, I’m halted.

“No, don’t! Leave them off.” She tells me. “I prefer it dark in here, dear.” I raise an eyebrow begin to grow suspicious. I narrow my eyes at her, examining her frame.

“Granny…” I start walking towards her. “You seem to have gotten larger.” Im squinting to try and see her face but it’s too dark. “And you don’t sound like yourself.” Suddenly, she sprouts a wide, sharp-toothed grin and I instantly know something is wrong.

“Why, I have no idea what you’re talking about, sweetie. I’m just your sweet ole granny.” She says through her teeth. My grip on my basket tightens as she speaks.

“Why are your ears so big?” I ask, seeing her ears twitch at the question.

“The better to hear you with, my dear.” She responds. I gulp nervously as I step closer, the hair on the back of my neck standing up.

“And your eyes seem a lot bigger than I remember.” Even through the darkness, I can see her wide eyes staring back at me.

“Better for me to see you with, sweetie.” She gives me that sharp-toothed grin again. I recognized that voice, and it wasn't Granny's.

“And your teeth…” I tensed, my hand reaching for the handle of my dagger in my basket as Granny leans forward. A low, rumbling laugh fills the cottage, and the figure in Granny’s spot slides out of the bed, stepping into the shadows so that their features are hidden.

“You know, Red, Granny didn’t ask this many questions when I got here. But then again, she didn’t have a chance to,” the figure purrs, its voice dropping to a sexy, familiar timbre.

I narrowed my eyes, my heart beginning to pound in my chest. I knew that voice, deep and gravelly, sending shivers down my spine. I take a step forward, my anger and confusion fueling my courage.

"Who are you, and what have you done with Granny?" The figure steps closer, and my breath hitches as I make out the features of a man. He’s taller than me and muscular, with dark hair and slanted eyes, a wolfish grin split his face. My eyes widen as I recognize him, my body reacting instantly to the sight. "Bang Chan," I whisper, my dagger forgotten as my body flooded with desire.

He’s my ex-boyfriend and old partner, we were the perfect duo. However, he got cocky and arrogant, and the agency decided we shouldn’t be partners anymore. Though our lives as agents tearing us apart, the flame between us had never truly gone out.

“Hey, sexy.” He greets, taking another step forward, his eyes burning with desire. "I knew you'd come for Granny, so I decided to pay her a visit first. I couldn't resist the chance to see you again."

I feel angry that he had taken my kill, wanting to push him away and punish him for his arrogance. But my body betrays me, desire clouding my judgment.

"You son of a bitch," I breath, taking a step closer, my body moving of its own volition. "You knew I was coming for her. You stole my kill." His eyes glitter with amusement, and he takes another step, closing the distance between us.

"I couldn't resist, Red. You know how I love a challenge. And you, my feisty little agent, are a challenge I can't deny myself." His voice drops to a husky murmur, his breath warm against my skin.

“You can’t be here, Chan. The agency will know-”

“I don’t give a fuck about the agency.” He takes another step forward and places his hand on my waist, his touch burning against my skin. I want to push him away, but my body wants more. I ache for his touch, my breath coming in short gasps as he invades my personal space.

"You always were a stubborn one, Red," he whispers, his lips brushing against my ear, his hands reaching for my hips. "Don’t you remember how good we were together?" I gulp a bit nervously and sigh.

“We were reckless.” I say, forcing my eyes from his gaze and looking off to the side. He gives me a bit of a fake pout.

“Seems like you don’t remember… well then, let me remind you~” His touch sends sparks racing through my body, and I gasp as he pulls me flush against him, his hard body molding perfectly to mine. I can feel him pressing into me, hard and insistent against my stomach, and my anger melts away. I want this, I want him, and my hands fist in his shirt, pulling him closer.

"Dammit, Chan," I groan, my head falling back as his lips trail down my neck, his teeth nipping gently at my pulse point. "I should kick your ass right now.”

He chuckles, his hands sliding up my back to tangle in my hair, tilting my head back to claim my mouth in a searing kiss. "But you don't want to, do you, baby?" he murmurs against my lips, his tongue teasing mine. "You want me just as much as I want you."

I can’t deny it; the proof is in the way my body moves against his, seeking closer contact. I moan into his mouth, my hands sliding under his shirt to feel the smooth, hard planes of his chest.

"Fuck, Chan," I breathe, my nails scratching lightly down his back. "I want you. So bad."

A low growl emits from his throat, a sound that sends a thrill straight to my core. With a swift movement, he lifts me onto Granny’s bed, his hands skimming up my thighs to rest on the curves of my hips. "I knew my little Red couldn’t stay away," he smirks, his eyes dark with desire.

My heart races as I pull his shirt over his head, my hands glorying in the feel of his smooth skin. He sinks his teeth into my neck, sending shivers through me, before trailing kisses down to the valley between my breasts. My body shudders at the sensation, offering myself to him, my breasts straining against the thin material of my shirt. 

With deft fingers, he undoes the buttons of my shirt, his lips following the path, leaving a trail of fire on my skin. "My beautiful Red," he mumbles, his thumbs brushing over my peaked nipples, making me hiss in pleasure. "I've missed touching you, tasting you." 

"Please, Chan," I beg, my hands tangling in his hair, holding him to me as his lips closed around one tight bud, sucking gently. "I need you~" 

He obliges, his tongue teasing and swirling around my sensitive flesh as his hands roam over my body, mapping every curve. His fingers dip lower, teasing the hem of my skirt, lifting it up before pushing past my damp panties to stroke the hot, wet center of me. 

I cry out, my body tensing as he strokes me, his finger plunging into my wetness. "Chan," I moan, my hips circling, seeking more friction. "More." 

He adds another finger, stretching and stroking me, his thumb rubbing my clit in lazy circles. "You're so wet for me, baby," he growls, his voice hoarse with desire. "You must’ve missed me." 

"Mmh~ Stop teasing me," I whine, my hands reaching for the fastening of his pants, eager to free his hardness.

He bites his lip as he stands, pulling off his pants and kicking them aside before returning to his spot between my thighs. He grabs me by the throat kisses me deeply, his fingers continuing their magic, stroking and plunging as my hips moved against his hand. I’m helpless with desire, my nails digging into his shoulders. 

"You like when Daddy touches you like this, baby?" He asks against my lips, his thumb pressing harder against my swollen clit. My brows draw together as I nod, itching for more. "Let me feel you fall apart." 

His words and movements send me over the edge, and I cry out, but just as I reach my climax, he removes his touch. I whine in frustration as I watch him suck my juices from his fingers.

“Chan, why-” I’m cut off by him grabbing my throat again, a bit more forcefully. He’s discarded his underwear and his hard length presses against my sensitive core. I gasp weakly as my hands wrap around his wrist as he leans me back. With a low grunt, he thrusts into me, seating himself fully inside me, and we both groaned at the feeling of being joined so intimately once more. Chan begins to move, his hips snapping as he set a punishing pace, his hands grasping mine, pinning them above my head.

I moan loudly, reminded suddenly just how big he was and how much he knows my body.

"You feel so good, baby," he tells me, his eyes locked on mine as he thrusts deep, his cock brushing against my sensitive walls. "I've fantasized about being inside you again."

“Hah- Chan-” I can’t even string together a sentence as my mind turns to mush. His cock hits all the right spots within me and the lewd sounds of him fucking me furthers my experience.

I meet his thrusts, my legs tightening around his waist as I rise to meet each delicious stroke.

"Harder, harder," I beg, wanting to feel him possess me, brand me. He obliges, snapping his hips harder, his cock driving deep as he seeks his own release.

"Fuck, Red," he groans, his eyes squeezed shut as he chases his orgasm. "So tight, so good. My perfect girl~" 

His words sends me spiraling toward the edge once more, and I cry out, my body tightening around him as he allows me to cum, my walls pulsating around his hardness. Chan follows soon after, his body stiffening as he fills me with his warmth, a growl tearing from his throat.

We stay joined for long moments, our breath slowly returning to normal as we revel in the feel of each other. Finally, Chan pulls out of me, his eyes soft as he brushes my hair from my face. "We should do this more often, Red," he murmurs, his thumb brushing my swollen lower lip. 

I smile, sated and happy for now. "We just might, Wolf," I tease, sitting up and reaching for my abandoned basket. "But next time, don't steal my kill or I will kill you." 

Chan laughs, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "You know where to find me if you want a repeat performance, Red Riding Hood." 

With a final, lingering kiss, I dress myself, gather my weapons, and step out of the cottage, a smile on my face.

[plaidshirtjimkirk]

just occurred to me that i wrote fulfilling the needs 10 years ago?????? time isn't real lmao

more blah blah blah under the cut 🫡🫡🫡

i always say i loved writing that fic. i remember the plot for the most part but it was the feeling of actually working on it that remains with me. i'd picked up writing again after a really long time and it's all thanks to this fandom. everything was exciting. the hyperfixation of best ship and writing as much as i could was a great distraction from having abysmal self esteem.

i never really understood why anyone gave me the time of day around here but i always tried to share the space and do what i could to promote others' content. i enjoyed the hell out of that engagement too because what's better than more content of the thing you love most?

im not trying to be negative or anything, just being real. i stopped showing up because i have lots of guilt for not continuing to do that. also imposter syndrome. it was easy to dodge when i was writing so much and so fast that i didn't have time to process what i actually tossed out into the world. but once endo came for my physical health and the fever pace died, well... all the bullshit i was running from caught up with me. logically, i know im overthinking and perpetuating a vicious mental cycle but understanding something is vastly different from understand how to actually deal with it.

but it's really not all bad. i appreciate the fuck out of everyone. people were so unexpectedly nice to me and i really did enjoy myself when i was super active.

ngl ive been trying to write this post for 4 years. i started it an embarrassing number of times. ill regret posting it but i guess the 10 year anniversary gives me a legit reason to talk about this bullshit. im genuinely not looking for attention, just trying to get some of this off my chest.

and just to be clear (and because im so negative all the time), im okay. mental illness is just a hell of a thing. wild.

so thanks again!! i can't believe it was a damn decade since i wrote that story and started interacting in fandom again, and that people still read it even today.

i don't know when ill write again next or get back to having the energy to give the support and attention that content creators deserve but ill keep on keeping on. 💛💙

[disabled-stuck]

HI ITS ME CHRONIC PAIN ANON BACK AGAIN... here's my thoughts on who of the human cast is Aware That They Have Chronic Pain Issues. srry ppl were discussing and im like, Wow, Time For Me In Hc Central

june's issues start to really develop and get bad post-game (in my headcanons), so for a long period of time she literally has no one to talk to about it bc she's self-isolating. she eventually tells nannasprite about it when nanna is guilt-tripping her into getting up (nanna voice: Whatever works, hoohoo!), and nanna is like. this is my only granddaughter. i will do whatever i can for her. (i love june & nanna's dynamic. could u tell.) jasprose also is like GIRL!!! You Are In Pain!!! nanna & jasprose team up of the century to get june egbert to Acknowledge Her Problems

dave NO clue NO idea WILL not talk about it. maybe EVENTUALLY tells karkat about it but i don't think she ever seeks out a diagnosis or tries to get one. hes got old ingrained trauma about seeing doctors, which is something he's trying to get over, but like, he already has 4 bajillion other things to unpack about his childhood and healthcare systems are not historically good about chronic pain, a dismissal of their symptoms might set them back in that regard. they're just homebrewing this shit for now.

rose: yeah, she knows. she doesn't talk about it in those terms, though. instead of saying "i have a horrible migraine and cannot get out of bed" she tells kanaya to text the gc that she's afflicted by the Broodfester Woes and cannot join them this evening. theyve sort of picked up by now what that means but she thinks it's funnier this way.

jade: HMMM. i think she put herself through her denial paces but actually i think going grimbark essentially caused her to not feel her chronic pain (a side effect of condy's semi-control over her body), and when she got shunted back into her body she had to face the reality where she DIDNT hurt all the time like wow thats how ppl normally feel? what the fuck????

jane: oh absolutely fucking not does not know. unlike jade, his pain got WORSE during crockertier. yet it still takes literally two decades for him to finally acknowledge that his stuff is NOT normal and the fact that her whole friend group has chronic pain doesn't help, which kind of sucks. jane voice: well sometimes i can get out of bed when i have a headache and rose can't, so clearly its not the same (as if jane doesn't force himself out of bed even when he really shouldnt!!!). roxy has to be the one to tell him.

roxy: yeah she knows it's chronic pain. she's been worried about getting cirrhosis for years, and so has been keeping up to date on her physical health as a result. she figured it out pretty quickly after a couple flareups. trickster mode made it worse for her.

dirk: hal has been telling him for YEARRRRRRRRS that his carpal tunnel is just that, carpal tunnel. and yet. AR: Dirk, if you do not take better care of yourself, you are never going to be capable of building me a body of my own. TT: 1. I'm fine. 2. I'm not building you a body anyways, so the point is moot. anyways he accepts it during the game bc he's like you know what. might as well admit it to myself. good thing, too, because it only gets worse after a couple decapitations.

jake: has pretty much always known, deep down, but like. she lives on an ISLAND. the hell is he going to do about it? no, better not to think about it. someday they'll be able to deal with it, but that day isn't today, and theres so much to do. so he represses it DEEPLY. normal action hero jake english doesn't have chronic pain, of course. she's a heroic manly lead, after all... (the deconstruction of that mindset sort of makes them acknowledge it, though.)

ANYWAYS I JUST RAMBLED AT YOU FOR A COUPLE HUNDRED WORDS HOPE U HAVE, A GOOD DAY/NIGHT/WHAT EVER

YYAYYY no you're so good nonnie thank u forever and ever

[smoosnoom]

Hi! I have a couple of writing related questions. I was curious how you decide when a story is finished? Do you come up with the ending first or just go with it until it "feels right"? How do you motivate/discipline yourself to finish a story? Or do you not struggle with that so much? I'm having trouble structuring stories and finishing things. I find myself writing all the time, but it always ends up being little snippets or a couple thousand word scenes and I can't seem to fit them into an overall plot or story…? Does that make sense? I feel like I have like 18 different stories going on and sometimes there's like a bunch of scenes that could fit one story but I can't make them… Mesh. Also I can't just finish it off. I always feel like there's something missing or like I'm just not sure what the overall point of the story is so I don't know how or when to end it. Anyway, thinking about this made me curious what your general structure is. Do you start with a scene and then flesh out from there when starting a story? Or do you start by having an overall plot and writing based on an idea? Like do you block out your stories scenes/pacing etc first or just write in order, beginning to end or jump around from scene to scene and stick it together later? Does your process change depending on the story? So sorry for the kind of aimless questions. I'm just curious about your process. I'd love to be able to actually complete something, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about writing, and I thought maybe getting advice from someone who I see and enjoy the finished work from could help me in some way. No worries if you don't really know how to answer this and don't want to. I won't be offended lol Anyway ty love your work, have a good day :D

hello ! im so sorry for taking so so long to get to this, i would keep coming back to change or add something to say :)

I was curious how you decide when a story is finished? Do you come up with the ending first or just go with it until it "feels right"? ... I can't just finish it off. I always feel like there's something missing or like I'm just not sure what the overall point of the story is so I don't know how or when to end it. - this fluctuates from time to time; sometimes i feel like a story is done right when i write the last scene, and then i'll come back to it and add a whole other scene because it doesn't seem right . i try to consider if whether or not the entire story has come full circle, if it's satisfying and the ending is something worth having read the previous paragraphs for, if the last few lines are conclusive enough, or if it feels like something should be coming after it . i don't know a proper formula or fool-proof solution to this, its just a Feeling u get, but if u are at a complete loss, what i try to do is completely forget about it for a few days (at least five), and then come back and read the entire thing, editing Nothing, but only taking notes on what to fix, until u reach the end, where u, with a fresher perspective, can tell if the ending is right or not . sometimes, theres just no point to a story other than being written - if that's the case, then thats fine . writing is meant to be fun, if it feels incomplete, come back to it at a later time, don't look at it for a while . if u cant bear to do that, then maybe rewrite it completely - i've done this several times, rewriting thousands of words because something is just . missing . so i take the old work and rework it into something i like better, rewriting and removing and adding bits and pieces . try to spend some time away from the work, that helps me immensely !

another piece of advice from aaron sorkin is that sometimes when he finds a lull in his writing, he takes a shower - showers are great for getting ur imagination flowing :) something else i heard is to take the work and put it in a place not easily accessible, and then, after a few weeks, looking at it again . another version of this is putting it away and rewriting the entire thing from memory . ive done all three and they help as well :)

How do you motivate/discipline yourself to finish a story? Or do you not struggle with that so much? - if u mean continuously working on a story til the end, then absolutely i do struggle with it !!! half the time its the sheer want to write that keeps me going, or if its a story so daunting i dont know how to write it, then i try to make it easier to write for, maybe telling myself ill stop writing after thirty minutes, or until i get a thousand words done, or just until i reach a scene that i really want to write . that, as well as just Forcing myself sometimes really helps, sometimes i just need to get myself to do it in order to the words to flow out properly. ill also admit that sometimes what gets me going is the idea of feedback, what people might think of it or even how satisfied i might feel from writing and finishing it . if u need a friend to cheer u on, or u need to post a bit or two on here to get that encouragement, then feel free . also implementing a "write for thirty mins/for five hundred words/etc." really helps too :) maybe giving urself a deadline as well, such as getting a certain amount done by a certain day

I find myself writing all the time, but it always ends up being little snippets or a couple thousand word scenes and I can't seem to fit them into an overall plot or story…? ... I feel like I have like 18 different stories going on and sometimes there's like a bunch of scenes that could fit one story but I can't make them… Mesh. - it does make sense :) i have a doc just called "cut" that is a series of scenes and snippets and phrases that arent related in the slighted - its only for the sake of putting the idea in my head out and onto the screen, which i might later use for a story i write at a different time if i find that it fits . u don't need to make all these separate scenes fit, sometimes they just aren't meant to . if u find urself writing eighteen different stories, and then only extensively working on a specific few, then i suggest combing some of these stories where they fit . if they don't, then go for the one u want to work on the most, the one that matches ur current writing mood . i know saying "work on which one uwant to work on" is pretty unhelpful, but theres no better solution . maybe asking someone else which one they'd like to read the most also helps, something i do :)

Do you start with a scene and then flesh out from there when starting a story? Or do you start by having an overall plot and writing based on an idea? Like do you block out your stories scenes/pacing etc first or just write in order, beginning to end or jump around from scene to scene and stick it together later? Does your process change depending on the story? - sometimes i do all of these . it does change depending on the story ! for some, i get a flash of a scene that i quickly write out, and, from there, an entire story is inspired in me and i start writing it as quickly as i can, and this changes from just writing down the parts i really want to implement or i feel are imperative in the work, or i finish the initial scene and begin from the start . other times, i have a plot in my mind and i start to write it, but never have i stuck with the initial plot - it always morphs into something else, and ive never resisted from that urge . one plot point will turn into five, and i have sticky notes i keep next to my bed and desk and in my bag and by the door whenever these ideas stick, or i get a sudden scene idea, which i quickly jot down, and, most of the time, i start jotting down quick outlines for the next few scenes . these are never detailed, especially on a sticky note, it's usually just (bike scene, diner scene, "insert quote i just thought of/want to include", etc.) . things like that . i also almost always jump around - i've never written anything in a linear manner, and i probably never will . sometimes the place u are in during the story is in such a lull u want a change of pace, and that's fine :) let that happen ! then u go back to the part u need to work on, and sometimes its even easier to tie two separate scenes together .

im so happy u enjoy the work i put out ! u mention not having anyone to talk about writing with, but my dms are always open and id love to chat if u want :) and if u ever want a second opinion/some help (it feels weird to say help because i am just trying my best on here LOL) then let me know !!! please feel free to just hit me up, i'd love to talk !!!!!!

none of these questions were aimless, and im so sorry for taking forever to reply this, i tried my best to answer as thoroughly as i possible could :) if i missed anything or u want any more clarification on anything, please let me know !!

thank u for the ask !

[taegularities]

! Brief trigger: this is not exactly a rant, it’s a story time but a very long one, pls bear with me 🥲 (also my first ask so there’s that)

Been following you for a while now Rid, I’ve mostly read your standalone fics like love me better, begin, silk & stones, stars behind waves & tale of broken hearts. I consider myself as the type who likes gut wrenching angst that ends in happy ending or at least a feeling of hope at the end. These ones like you had promised, were definitely angst heavy (esp the vmin fics). I prefer not to touch long series coz I fear I might lose interest midway thru & might end up thinking I wasted lots of time reading it since it often happens that authors end up adding bunch of filler scenes in between & im one who doesn’t like that.

So for the longest time I actually ignored cmi, until the amc thing came up & the some of the questions relating to the character arcs were def intriguing for me, & I thought ‘why not just give this one a go?’ The word count for cmi looked quite scary😶 so I took inspiration from seven & tried finishing from start till the recent update within seven days (…peak stupidity LoL) & GOD THE ANGST. I couldn’t help but take a blanket over my head to tear down through the rough patches that followed in midway through the fic…literally every scene was so detailed, it almost felt like I was looking at two people I closely knew & felt sorry for to suffer the miseries of being apart because of the conflicts they’d been facing.

Even if I actually succeeded in completing the 200k wc (the fastest & longest record for me) I was able to enjoy the fic. Maybe coz you actually understand the pacing of the slow burn and wrote their arcs so carefully which allowed the reader to slowly unveil their personalities, their flaws, their growth throughout the fic. I kinda skipped the drabbles in between (i did skim through but didn’t actually focus on them alot) coz the goal was to first read through the main storyline then take my time to unwind & re-read the drabbles after. Honestly this work might be my fav one from you, or any Jungkook fic I’ve read in the entirety of this website. Just wanted to say thanks for crafting such a wonderful piece of literature for us, im thrilled to read further what lays in store for jk & oc after they talked through their differences & patched up. And after reading so much pining that went behind in the past 9(?) parts, I’d actually love only fluff and warmth for this couple (me as angst enthusiast saying this✋🙂). And yes, I’m waiting for the cmi drabble (seven mv jk cross over with cmi jk is an unimaginable menace 🫠) and future parts to be posted sooner too! This couple has my heart💛

this was your first ask?! to lil ole me? 😭 omg hope you still see this one!! i wasn't around much when you sent it, then it got buried – but today i remembered it again and wanted to say hi 🥺

first of all, tysm for reading so many of my fics, and such long ones, too!! like, lmb is a huge ass piece, so im really happy you gave it a shot and enjoyed it, too 🥺 and like, same goes for cmi. it's also so lovely to know that people try out stuff on my page that they usually wouldn't – so it melts my heart that you gave cmi a chance and grew to love it as well!! angst, ikr? me too, i could live off of it :') LOL NOT THE SEVEN DAY CHALLENGE. that's actually so amusing and sweet 🤣 i know the word count is crazy and the chapters tend to get very long, but... i know i'm repeating myself, but i'm incredibly thankful that you tuned in. if you ever want, do read through the drabbles, too, since i think they give a deeper glimpse into the characters' flaws and personalities – no pressure tho!!

once again, thank you. it means the world to me to know you loved it so much. like, fav fic? please i'll sob :'') a lot of fluff incoming (but angst too, so fret not), and i truly hope you enjoy the rest as well. drop by anytime, seriously, i'd love to talk about cmi or anything with you whenever you like!! 🥺🤍

[jillaxkalangg]

hi jill! need a piece of advice as a reviewee. how did you stay disciplined during your preparation for the board exam? was your average close to the cut off during your first take? any advice you’d like to share? planning on retaking this nov but im afraid it’s too late 🥺

hi anon! sorry, it took me awhile to post this medj kakauwi ko lang kasi. also, psa this will be longg hehe

actually, my rating when i took the boards last year was far behind average. during my review last year for nov 2023, pinagsasabay ko ang compre sa univ and review sa manila. hati ang time during first part ng review and nag alangan din kung makakaabot sa graduation for midterm class kaya i'm not 100% confident with my review season. madami akong missed review days, sa refresher ako humabol non kasi hindi na kaya if babalikan ko pa ulit. i was so pressured that i really hate myself during those days, ang bagal ng usad ko and seeing my friends understood the reviews/refreshers made me so anxious. it also came to a point na muntik na ko magback out kasi i am not really sure if i'll pass kasi ang dami kong missed lessons during review and may delay rin sa release ng TOR namin. luckily, nakahabol TOR namin and i took the exam. to be honest, i just took the risk. 50/50 kasi, if by luck and fate, i'll pass. but if not, edi better luck next time. when i didn't saw my name in the results, i'm so disappointed with myself and nahihiya ako sa parents ko. but the first thing that came to my mind was i need to take the boards again, i need to pass cele april 2024.

i started reviewing again last January. i changed how i review, and how i study. i also enrolled in a review center who offers online review which really helped me para magkaroon ng pattern ang daily activities ko. every morning, 8am pa lang gising na ako to check the modules they sent. i try to solve and familiarize myself with some of the problems, 1-5pm kasi yung sched ko so during review. after class, i am solving the problems discussed again and nagsosolve ng mga hindi natapos isolve. everyday during review season ganyan ang ginagawa ko. sa refresher season naman, morning schedule ko so 7 pa lang gising na ako, trying to memorize and understand the formulas. 8am to 12noon sched ng class ko, so sa hapon i am solving the problems we solved during refresher. paulit ulit lang na ganon ginagawa ko until the last week of review. yung week ng boards, hindi na ako nagsosolve, i am just checking and reviewing all the solved problems ng review center at mga nasagutan ko. but here are my tips and advice hehe sorry nag overshare pa nga ako haha

as much as possible, don't use your phone during review season. limit your time using your gadgets. mahirap but ilang months lang naman hehe i also uninstalled my socmed during this time.

you have to focus on the topics that you feel you lack the most. focus ka dun but don't forget to also study yung ibang topics.

personally, i didn't finish CE references. CE ref 5 na hge lang natapos ko but yung iba, hindi ko talaga tinapos kasi nasasayangan ako sa oras. i focused more refresher na bigay ng review center but this is your choice naman hehe

don't pressure yourself and study at your pace. wag mo madaliin, slowly but surely bb.

always believe that you'll see your name in the passers list! for me, palagi kong dinadasal na sana makasama ang pangalan ko sa list ng passers. i always mention this "Engr. *my name*, RCE April 2024!" at "thank you po, Lord kasama po ang pangalan ko sa listahan ng passers ng CELE April 2024" maging specific sa prayers

you have to understand that you can't learn and study all of the topics involved in the exam. may mga hindi ka matatapos isolve o aralin, may mga topics ka talagang hindi maiintindihan and that's okay! dasal na lang na ang lalabas sa exam is yung alam mo hehe however!! just know and learn the concept, kahit hindi mo i-master. just know the concept, okay na yun.

believe and trust yourself. walang ibang tutulong sayo during that the exam but yourself. tandaan mo na walang iba pang may alam na sagot kundi ikaw (nv advice ng review center instructor ko before hahahaha)

don't pressure yourself too much to the point na wala ka nang nasosolve kasi ang iniisip mo na wala ka pang alam. normal ma-pressure but don't let it consume you. normal umiyak, normal mapagod pero palagi mo tandaan na at the end of the day, this will be all worth it.

trust yourself. if its for you, it will be yours, engineer. Isaiah 60:22

mind conditioning works. if you set yourself na may masasagutan at may hindi ka masasagutan, things will be easier.

once in awhile, give yourself a chance to destress. ako kasi nakakapanood pa rin ako ng kdrama during my review season. tuwing sunday, rest day ko haha tho sa hapon nagrereview pa rin ako. but atleast nakapagpahinga ako.

lastly, enjoy solving. namnamin ang bawat pagsosolve kasi yan na ang huling beses na magsosolve ka nang sandamakmak na problems. claim it already! magpapasko kang engineer <3

walang masama na sumubok, sabi nga ng tatay ko "hangga't may papel at lapis, exam lang nang exam." laban lang, magiging sayo na yan :) idk if this can help ;_; but i am rooting for your success, anon!

[itooaminthisepisode]

hiii thanks for the tag!! held off on posting this cause i knew i would be uploading another fic by the end of the year and i wanted to include it lol :3

thank you @spicedrobot for the template! and without further ado, here's my wrapped!

66k words is an absolutely insane number of words that i never dreamed i would be able to write in the span of a year and yet somehow here i am. Holy Shit!!! i'm pretty sure that's more writing (or at least creative writing) in one year than i've done in the rest of my life combined.

without further ado here's an overview of all the fics i've written this year, with a little added commentary because i love yapping!! below a cut cause it got kinda long:

something sweet and safe - after wilson flirts with a nurse at work, house decides to put him in his place.

this one was my first published smut and my first foray into horrible freaknasty old man porn!! dove straight in headfirst and have never looked back since :3 need to do something with this dynamic again at some point... hmmm ;)

sick little feelings in my sick little brain - house makes wilson piss in his mouth. that's it, that's the fic.

piss md!! featuring house and wilson's (absolutely canon) shared piss kink!! i just think house should make wilson do horrible humiliating things alright. also i've had a sequel outlined for like literally MONTHS at this point i just haven't gotten around to it yet... but next year. stay tuned👀 (also maybe a third one as well we'll see how it goes!!)

wiped away my thoughts and cares - wilson sometimes struggles with incontinence. house decides to help in a rather... unorthodox way.

wilson abdl because i cannot resist putting that man in a situation!! spent two hours total writing this one (including editing) which is literally the least time i've spent on a fic Ever and somehow it's my favourite out of all 38(!!) that i wrote this year. this is another one that i am doing more of in 2025 trust🤞 little wilson is so precious to me i cannot resist him🥺

look at those puppy dog eyes - house and wilson try out petplay for the first time, and - to no one's surprise - they like it. a lot.

this is actually the first fic i started writing in 2024! i just got major writers block towards the end and left it sitting half-finished for months. but then i wrote a couple other fics and came back to it with fresh eyes and i'm really proud of how it turned out!! another dynamic that i rotate in my brain a lot. ouppies <3

i wanna throw you to the hounds - house is a werewolf - and sometimes, he can get a little... frisky when he's transformed.

this was the fic i was most nervous to post (yes, even more so than the abdl one), but im so glad ppl seemed to like it cause like. Waow :3 another one where i just put wilson in a situation!! also i love writing him having a moral crisis but doing it anyway purely cause house wants to :3

whumptober 2024 - all the filled prompts from this year's whumptober! some are short, some are longer, all of them are emotionally damaging in some shape or form.

okay look if i listed each individual fic in this series we'd be here all day so i'm just gonna talk abt whumptober as a whole. but it was SO MUCH FUN!!! wrote em in like three weeks, was churning out like 2 or 3 a day by the end, and was delirious with fever for a significant chunk of time but i'm so proud of myself for finishing in time!! if all goes well i'll be participating in 2025, albeit with slightly better planning and pacing this time!! :D

can you catch me when i'm falling down? - wilson's been having a bad day. luckily, house knows just what to do to make him feel better.

my gift for @russell-crowe as part of the 20th anniversary exchange! it was a little different to write to someone else's specifications cause i've never done it before and it's out of my comfort zone, but it was a super fun challenge and i enjoyed it a lot!! will definitely participate in this again if it runs in 2025, cause it's such a good way to feel connected within the fandom!! :D

this year's for me and you - house hangs mistletoe above wilson's doorway in an attempt to fluster him. wilson isn't so easily fooled, however, and he finds a way to beat house at his own game.

my final fic this year!! this one is another gift, this time for @nekomura-chanzu as part of the holiday gift exchange!! had a blast writing this one, it was a nice break from all the whump and smut. nothing like a sweet silly fluff fic to end the year with a bang! :3

and that's it!! what a brilliant year it's been, and here's to 2025 being even greater!

i never know who to tag for these things (social anxiety will do that😅) but to any housefic authors seeing this, feel free to add on!! <3

my ao3 wrapped! tagged by @greghousebignaturals, template by @spicedrobot

2024 was my first year of getting back into writing fanfic since literally 5 years ago - and I only got back into it in the second half of the year (and I'll still be posting more stuff before 2024 is over lbr)

very briefly, these are the House fics I wrote this year, in chronological order:

Kill the Mood: Hilson try doing doctor roleplay during sex (and fail)

Bonk: Wilson gets a concussion :)

Don't Touch Me: Wilson hates physical contact and has a bad time

inappropriate use of hospital technology: House sends Wilson a dickpic and trans!Wilson jerks off about it

acting like a tough guy: House avoids Wilson on Valentine's Day (Wilson is very endeared by this)

sleep(less): Wilson is sleep deprived to the point of hallucinating a week after he started dating House

Slow Blink: Wilson is turned into a kitten. House is confused by cat body language

ow: trans!Wilson has period cramps

oh, and one more thing: Wilson gets hurt, House mother hens him, Wilson is a little shit

Want/Deserve/Receive: Wilson starts dating House and freaks out because he doesn't feel like he's allowed to be happy

the truth I chose to bend myself around: House accidentally takes truth serum. Nobody believes him (wip)

Tie Me Up, Pull My Leash: Wilson bets House to wear a tie and then tugs on it like a leash and they make out about it

I'm tagging @itooaminthisepisode and @oldmanffucker and @coffins-and-marbles and @defibrillism (if you wanna)

template below

[moedollita]

i do feel like i had bad luck today because i didnt see her this morning

i expected to see her this morning ... i saw her yesterday morning walking the same route , it surprised me and i ended up looking in an awkward direction as we passed by eachother ( it always seems like we're passing by eachother and never walking the same direction ? ) im wondering if it was because im too early ..... yesterday i was early and i saw her though , so maybe she was the late one . yesterday i had come to the conclusion that i was going to have a good day because i saw her , and i did !! this girl in my first period asked to use some lotion and when i gave her mine she said things like " so this is why you smell so good every day " and " now i get to smell like ___ for the day " it made me really happy ! maybe thats really nothing to other people but i dont really talk to anyone at school so after that interaction i considered the day to be good . but today i didnt see her and ... my water botrle spilled everywhere . not jusf everywhere but a little backstory ; i was running late so i didnt properly check the cap to my water bottle before i out it in my backpack ( 70oz , i walk 50k steps everyday so i drink a lot of water aswell ) and it ended up spilling in first period . it didnt just spill a little bit . my 70oz water bottle went from basically full to only reaching 8oz . it was so embarassing !!! im a very quiet person so everybodys attention was on me !!!!!!!! we had to get a custodian and the girl at my table is so nice she took me to gef the custodian and made lighthearted conversation i think i wouldve freaked out a lot more if she hadnt spoken to me . qfter 1st period i went to the bathroom to cut , but as i thought my blade was too dull , so much bad luck ...... i think ill talk abt my complex towards blades and especially stealing them in another post . anyways i have some eyebrow razors coming in and those are sposed to be one - swipe - to - fat - layer so im excited . well not so much excited moreso curious ?

after the cutting thing didn't work i decided that when i get home i was gonna take a shot of vodka , sake or whiskey . whatever my parents have laying around . ive actually never had alcohol or drugs or vape or anything before , id consider myself somewhat of a sheltered kid honestly . generally i think today j was very overstimulated , i guess it was just too ' different ' from what im used to . but get this !! i saw her both at lunch and in the halls after i was skipping ( an assembly ) !! in fact i saw her twice during the latter because we both turned around and went to opposite way , making us pass by eachother again . i was ' following ' her , not in like a stalker way but i was pacing around already and she was technically going the direction of my classroom so .. but yeah she turned around ? while i was walking to my last class i didnt even see her ?! im hoping i was too early or something , i think the days where i dont see her im just too early because i think ? she comes down the stairs . ive been worrying that she might be avoiding me ..? i came to the conclusion that she doesnt really think about me to the volume i think about her but i do notice that the other day she seemed to be looking at me before i even saw her so maybe shes on alert ? which is horrible for me because yesterday she looked even nicer than usual in her cute sweater and i only got to get a .1 second glance from my peripheral . she often at least gives me a glance when i look at her which makes it kinda hard to get a proper look , im starving .... ive been trying to find her instagram but im unsure if she even has one . when i got home i took a good look at the alcohol cabinet but i decided against drinking anything ( im actually annoyed by how quickly my emotions change because by 3rd period i started feeling better out of nowhere .... which is good but i wanted to take a shot of whiskey )

in total i ended up seeing her about 3 times , record timelapse of about 30 minutes !!!

i went outside and the stars are really beautiful today , too

[majorproblems77]

Fic writer here! (And im dabbling in AU at the moment but I've got that backburnered until exam season ends).

Plot bunnies can come from a variety of places, an experience I've had, or a fave trope I want to mess with, sometimes music will hold a particular vibe and I want to follow through with that vibe. I've certainly had my share of plot bunnies from pieces of art as well, writing and drawings alike.

So, when a plot bunny starts to form in my head I try to write it down someplace so I can look at it again later (especially because normally they come to me at weird times.). Sometimes they form in my head as daydreams ngl, and I'll find myself staring at a wall just thinking of how scenes work.

Once I do actually get time to write I then build a barebones plan.

For example, I actually still have my barebones plan for Unravelling (A long form fic i finished back a few months ago.)

it looks a little like this (With parts committed because of spoilers) Sometimes ill put small quotes, feelings and direct points i want to hit. Ect, people will notice that this isn't how it ended up working out, but sometimes it flowed better if you swapped chapters and rearanged parts to make it flow better.

follow from SITA - Feeling sad - Aftermath of AGOS - quote (I love you, sailor.)

Fight 1

portal (Chain split)

twi and sky - bonding but very one sided

Time and warriors (Wild?)

master sword guides Time (Ocarina)

Master sword - lake?

Sky chapter - demise realm

Fight time - 1v1 coat flies away, storm flows around them

chain fight - Wind takes center

Sky - at the end - REMEMBER TO WARN ABOUT THIS

Weaver pt 1 -4 flame

Skyloft? Ranch? recovery and apologies

Skyloft - loftwing healing bond, angry Zelda, groose is here too

Ranch - Malon helps them get settled and care for them.

I actually had several scenes written for the ranch before I changed my mind and swapped to skyloft instead, which is fun because I've still got those, and might finish them and post them at one point. Or I'll change them into something else and post that.

Anywayyyy

So, from that barebones, I'll usually write sections I've got a vibe for first.

So the first part of the unravelling story to be written was the (sky - at the end) bit. I was in an angsty mood that day. haha

From picking a section, I build dialogue first. I figure out what I want to have been said, what I want the team to know, and what I want the audience to know by the time the chapter ends. Normally I'll write up to 4 pages of dialogue before I've even figured out where the characters are. So for example, In my most recent story 'The Chosen's Perception' I had some dialogue that looked like this at first

W- "Come on Sky! We've got a few hours yet! Keep up!" S- "You know back at my home we put the slowest hiker at the front... so everyone keeps pace with them..."  W - "I heard that Sky!"

The letters indicate who's talking with slight changes if they start with the same letter.

I build what the team is doing from there, walking, fighting etc. What I find works. Then I build the environment around them and call it a day.

OK, so I was inspired and now I wanna start a bigger conversation and I wanna know: fic writers, comic makers, au creators, etc. how do you do it? How do you go from plot bunny or story idea to completed chapters/story/comic update? What's your process? What programs do you use? Do you draft stuff? Outline? Storyboard? Do you chart or sketch? How do you settle on characters and characterizations? How do you plot (or do you)? I wanna know all the nitty gritty details. It's just so interesting because everyone does it so differently.

[shhh-no-ones-home]

heavy cross to bear* matt Murdock x reader

+++++++++ Request @juniebugg: reader and Matt are in a very serious relationship (could be married) but then when reader actually sees Elektra, whom she already knew about but has never seen because she was "dead," she gets really insecure and tells matt that he deserves better or something and he reassures her. Angst and smut"

hopefully its not too ooc this is my first MM smut so i hope you like! and thanks again for the request!!

* - you asked for smut and that really is all this is lol, little bit of story. 

Song: wasted time by skid row

tag list: @cynic-spirit @juniebugg

+++++++++

i sat at the table sipping coffee and thinking. it was almost nine at night and i knew i should be getting ready for bed but my body wasn't quite ready to move yet. when matt disappeared into our bedroom i figured he'd be changing into daredevil for the millionth time but when he emerged in his pajamas i was a little surprised. and then it hit me. maybe he knew. hell, he always knew.

but maybe it was just that something was off, that i needed him to say it again, to stay with me and make sure i knew. but then there was her. she had showed up out of nowhere and took me off guard more than anything else up until now. one more doubt at the forefront of my mind. that i didnt believe him when he said he loved me despite being married for a year, despite having dated for three before hand, and despite everything he has done to keep me safe. because he loved her first and it felt like the biggest lie ive ever been told. even after a couple days of sitting on it and hoping it would go away. still it was there. in the back of my mind:

"matt i dont know if i can do this anymore."

his head tilted to the side and he looked confused.

"do what?"

he asked almost worried, moving slowly to the table and sitting.

"this, us. i just- you deserve so much more, so much better than- well, than me."

he was quick to scoot his chair closer to my own, his hand coming to rest on mine.

"hey, dont even say that. what would make you think i would want anyone but you?"

now he absolutely sounded worried.

"i saw her matt."

"saw who?"

i shook my head.

"that woman, your ex. you said she was gone."

"elektra?"

he sounded a little broken.

"shes something else ill give her that much. i see why you like her."

he swallowed hard.

"elektra is dead."

i shook my head.

"then why was she here? looking for you. saying your name with such... god i dont even know how to explain it. matthew."

i repeated it exactly as she had said it and it felt wrong. like i was acting. saying someone elses emotions and intentions. they were no longer mine. or at least it seemed like it. There was a long silence and I just stared at him.

"She was here?"

There was hope in his voice and I figured that was it. It made me angrier than it probably should've and my only response was to stand and walk away. I got half way across the living room before he caught my arm.

"Y/n, that doesn't matter. I-"

He swallowed hard and I tried to study his face.

"You mean more to me than anything. Yes I love, loved, her but I married you. I chose you. I want nothing more than to be with you. For better or for worse remember?"

He bargained and I sighed heavily.

"How can I be sure you mean that? What if she comes back? again."

He shook his head, taking both my hands in his and stepping closer to me.

"Let me prove it to you. If she really is back then it doesn't matter. I'm with you, I love you, and I'll always chose you."

I closed my eyes, feeling him get closer and closer until his forehead was against my own.

"We belong together."

He whispered before kissing me gently.

"I only want you."

He kept just as quiet, kissing next to my mouth once, then twice, making his way across my cheek and to my jaw.

"Matt."

I breathed out and he paused. I licked my lips lightly before opening my eyes and looking at him. He really did seem like he meant it. He was trying so hard to keep it together.

"I can't lose you."

He sounded so broken.

"Do it."

He drew his brows and I brought my hand up to touch his face gently. We were still so close I could feel his breath fanning my neck.

"Show me you mean it."

I said softly and his Expression changed.

"I love you so much."

He said before kissing me harshly, releasing my hands and pressing his fingertips into my hips. I hummed against him as he walked us backwards. We stumbled along as he pulled my shirt up, tossing it to the floor.

"Matt."

I moaned, pulling his shirt up next. It was gone in a second and he was back, kissing me and moving quickly to get my pants down. His hands roamed my body just as much as mine roamed his. I traced my fingers slowly up his torso, grazing over his scars before wrapping my arms around his neck. I gasped when he picked me up. There was a soft laugh that escaped him and I was relieved to see him smile even if it was just a second. He knew it would take some convincing and he was right. I needed to know he meant it. That Elektra wasn't gonna be a problem.

"I need you."

He whispered again, laying me gently on the bed and situating himself between my legs.

"I need you to know how much I mean it."

He kissed my jaw slowly, then down my neck and across my collar bone.

"Prove it."

I challenged, my breath hitching in my throat as he ripped my bra open from the front, his lips grazing my nipple before taking it into his mouth. He hummed against me, his finger tips down my torso and into my panties.

"Matt."

I moaned, dropping my head back as he ran his finger up me and against my clit. i closed my eyes, pushing my head back into the bed as he stroked me, kissing his way back up to my exposed neck.

"i love you."

he repeated against the heat of my skin. when he resituated i could feel how hard he was already.

"i need you."

i breathed out, pressing my hips up into him as he continued to finger me.

"matt."

i whined, him removing his hand long enough to pull my panties down. i looked up to him with lust blown eyes, watching him intently as he got rid of his boxers.

"youre still okay with this?"

he asked and i nodded quickly, pulling his face to mine and kissing him deeply.

"please."

i moaned, inhaling deeply before he kissed me again, pushing his hips into mine. my breath caught in my throat as he pushed all the way into me, catching my bottom lip between his teeth as my mouth hung open.

"i wanna hear you."

he said softly.

"feel you."

he moaned against my shoulder, dropping his head to the crook of my neck as he placed his large palm over my heart. it was already banging at my rib cage begging to be let out but i could have swore it did when he started moving. he pulled out of me slowly before slamming back into me and i moaned so loudly i was surprised at myself. and then he did it again and again, getting a good rhythm. it was long, and hard. nothing like our nights prior, even on his worst of days when he's frustrated and in need of release. no this was different. purposeful.

"matt."

i held onto him for dear life, pressing my fingertips into his shoulder blades as he continued to pound into me in long drawn out strokes.

"tell me. tell me what you want."

he grunted out, trying to sound as steady as possible.

"i want you. god i only want you!"

i cried out as he thrusted upward harshly. then he did it again and i saw stars, my mouth falling open as i moaned.

"thats my girl."

he praised, trailing his hand down my torso and pressing his finger in circles against my clit.

"youre almost there."

he coaxed, building me up. i could feel the tightness building, pressing my hips up to meet him as he kept his pace.

"im so close."

i panted, pressing my finger tips harder into his bicep as i gripped onto him.

"do it, do it for me, let go."

he said softly and i snapped. my orgasm racked through my body and my vision went blurry. i was breathing hard as he rode out my high, still chasing his own.

"im almost there."

he said, squeezing his eyes shut. he moved to pull out but i wrapped my legs tightly around his waist.

"y/n?"

he asked surprised and i leaned up to kiss him.

"just do it."

i said, pressing a hard kiss to his neck. he kept going, knuckles going white against the bedsheets as he came in me with a loud groan.

"oh my god."

he panted, slowing his thrusts.

"i love you oh my god."

he said, dropping to his forearms, trying not to put his full weight on top of me. my legs were still wrapped tightly around his torso as we both calmed down.

"i love you too matty."

i said softly, feeling him nuzzle his nose against my neck. it made me giggle a little bit and i could feel him smiling against my skin before kissing it gently.

"you have no idea how relieved i am to hear that. youre the only one for me. always will be."

i sighed softly in content, kissing his forehead and dropping my legs.

"im sorry i doubted you. i just. i need a reminder every once in a while i guess."

he kissed my chest before pulling out of me and dropping to the bed beside me.

"i will give you as many reminders as you need, as long as we both shall live."

he said, taking my hand in his and kissing the back of it.

"thank you matt. thank you for everything. especially knocking some sense into me."

he raised a brow, a half smirk on his face and i immediately wondered what was going through that mind of his.

"after tonight sense might not be the only thing i knocked into you."

i couldnt help but laugh, him matching it as i rolled onto his chest.

"i know you want nothing more than to tell the father we're finally starting that catholic family with lots and lots of beautiful babies but i still have my iud."

he let out a short laugh sigh before i kissed him quickly.

"but that doesnt mean i couldnt be persuaded into getting it taken out."

he raised an intrigued brow.

"oh?"

i laughed lightly.

"ill think about it. right now i just wanna live in this moment with you."

i said the last bit through a yawn, resting my head against his chest and hearing his heartbeat.

"i love you."

he whispered, earning a hum from me as i dozed off.

[hyunjilicious]

what is and what should never be [bucky barnes]

A/n: ok, so. Im really fucking insecure about this. I literally poured my heart into this fic. I'm genuinely unhappy with the beginning, but I promise you, it gets better!! I don't have it in me to rewrite it for the 4th time. I really hope you'll still like it though. If you ask me, this is the best fic idea I even had. Please, please, if you enjoyed it, let me know!!!

Summary: It was you and Bucky. An unlikely couple that shared equally disturbed pasts. When you get a day off, your paradise turns into hell as Bucky's nightmares return, leaving you alone to deal with The Winter Soldier. (FLUFF, SMUT, ANGST) 12k

Warnings: 2 smut scenes - they're graphic but not extreme, fluff, angst, violence, mentions of death and suicide, blood, a fight scene - also quite graphic but it was written to serve the angst. I don't want to spoil the ending, but if you really connect with the characters, you will not hate me!!

This day had been long awaited. After months of back to back missions and endless efforts to climb up the greasy pole of US social standards, words failed to describe how ecstatic you were to know, that for the next 24 hours, your whole schedule would fully be in your hands.

You had the freedom to do just about anything you wanted, and the simple fact that the rest of the avengers left to deal with some paperwork excited you to no end. You woke up when it was time for them to take off, and made a snarky remark about heading to the gym - something along the lines of having a productive day centered on self development.

Just about 20 minutes later, you and Bucky, now also alone in the Stark Tower, decided to start off your day on the right foot. He offered to make protein smoothies as you changed into something comfortable and fitting for a workout, but neither of you got their job done.

You had no idea how that happened, but before you knew it you were wearing your sports bra and still had your pajama pants on, moaning on the counter of Tony's kitchen as Bucky had lodged himself between your legs, hungrily exploring the heated skin of your neck, peppering you with bruise marks that represented his adoration for you. "You heal fast anyway" he shrugged, pulling you closer and digging his teeth into your flesh, sucking profusely and eliciting an erotic moan from your lips. 

With every new hickey he left, another one would disappear, which in turn would make him even more frustrated, “The hell should I do? Tattoo hickeys on you!?” he groaned, moving up your neck. You caught his cheeks into your palms and kissed him back, smiling as he kept getting more and more aggravated. 

It didn't come as a surprise when the blender went berserk, splattering fruit pulp, almond milk and protein powder all over the pristine walls of the room - both of you have long forgotten about it. 

The way Bucky cleaned the mess was the epitome of not giving a shit, and you couldn't find it more endearing. He bitched and whined his way through the whole process, and tears formed at the corners of your eyes at the ridiculousness of the half assed job he just did. 

You eventually reached the gym - of course, against all your pouting and begging to put off this session. "Doll, you're the only avenger who can't fight. A punk on the street could snap your purse and there would be nothing you can do"

Wrong, he was not. You couldn't fight - but at the same time that didn't mean you were defenceless. It was your immense power that for months on end made your teammates consider you a liability. The energy that surged through your veins had been too great for you to handle, and in fact, it still was, but now, thanks to the joined efforts of Tony and Bruce, there was a way for that power to be contained. Their solution came in the form of two massive shackles wrapped around the length of your forearms. They were made of dimeritium and kept all kinds of energy from leaving your body. But, even so, that energy was in full form, buzzing inside every fiber of your being. And so, while wearing them you couldn't attack anyone, but there wasn't a way for them to harm you either. That field of energy protected you from every kind of damage and wounds you had ever encountered, ranging from fist fights to automatic rifles to guided grenades.

"I'm the only one that doesn't need to know" you huffed and puffed, annoyed but still determined to get this first training session done with.

But that never happened. Halfway through your warm up rounds, your teasing side awoke and it took you about ten minutes to go from batting your eyelashes and flaunting your ass, to nonchalantly cupping his cock into your hand.

No one could blame Bucky for not even trying to stop you. Bless him, he did everything he could, but he was never able to resist you. And probably never will be.

By the time you were done at the gym, both your bodies were coated in lecherous layers of sweat, no of them being from actually working out. It was only a matter of time until you managed to break his self control and he had you sprawled on all fours in the middle of the boxing ring, moaning your soul out as he pounded your pussy. 

The momentum made your whole frame rock back and forth, your hair falling around your face, "Holy fuck-" 

The room vibrated with the vulgar slaps he afflicted on your bare ass. You arched your back and cried his name out loud, "Come on, Bucky- I- harder please-"

"How are you already so needy?" he chuckled, caging your waist between his strong arms and pulling you up until your back reached his chest. "I ate this pussy this morning before we got out of bed"

"You know I love your tongue-" you giggled out of breath as you tried to look at him over your shoulder. "But it doesn't compare to your cock"

"What does?" Bucky rhetorically questioned before picking up his pace. He kept slamming his hips into yours, fucking you at full force as with each thrust, his cock rammed against your walls hard enough to make you see stars.

"I'm really fucking close, Buck" you whined, feeling your knees start to refuse to maintain your weight any longer. 

"Don't cum yet" he panted, "Wait for me"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck-" you cried out loud, liquid pleasure seeping out of you in the form of fresh tears streaming down your cheeks. "Please-" you whined, "I can't hold it anymore, I'm-"

"Not yet, baby" Bucky groaned, easily stopping you from wiggling around in his hold. His thrusts became sloppy and the orgasm got the best of him. He buried his face deep in your shoulder as his high forced guttural moans to rip from his throat. 

As he filled you up with his cum, as much as you wanted to comment about him making you wait and then not even bothering to tell you you could cum, you couldn't. Your eyes rolled back in pleasure and your chest heaved as the spiral of bliss seemed to go on and on, tons of ecstasy propagating in long painful waves across your body.

"Fuck-" Bucky panted as helped you up, "I could get used to days like this. We should retire"

"I'm not retiring-" you teasingly shook your head, "not until you find a way to give me a baby"

"I'd give you all the babies" he retorted, tugging your hand.

It caused you to lose your balance and stumble into his chest, "I love you"

"Love you" Bucky kissed the top of your head and spun you around. With his palms on your hips, he started guiding you towards the door, "Let's get you cleaned up"

And then, another wave of unproductivity followed. You showered, ordered pizza, whined about how there was still some smoothie left on the floor, and after you warned him about it, your face fell as Bucky stepped directly in the middle of the puddle of almond milk. He was fuming, the incident wiped any traces of happiness off his face. He mumbled something about that being the last pair of comfy socks he had left and something about Tony's devices being a constant pain in the ass. 

He went on and on until you ambushed him with kisses up his neck and shoved your hands under his shirt. In an instant his bickering turned into soft giggles as he innocently relaxed under your touch. You eventually cleaned up the mess and tried to make yourself busy. Nothing worked, you weren't in the mood for anything and at the same time, even though you did absolutely nothing all day, you felt a wave of tiredness envelop you.

At about 4pm, and you Bucky had already been lazily laying in bed, a mess of tangled limbs under the fluffy duvet. Your conversation started from the tactical gear he swore would look better on you than on him and then wondered how you didn't know how to sow.

"I'll hit you" you threatened.

"I'm sorry" he laughed, holding onto your forearm as it was resting on his chest, "But you know how much I love it when you get angry at my misogynistic jokes"

"It's rude" you scoffed - you didn't mean his jokes, but the fact that when he grew up, women were not anywhere near where they are today. 

"You know I don't mean it"

"I know you don't" you laughed, "Otherwise I'd have actually hit you"

"Don’t worry" Bucky said, "I'd hit myself if I was that stupid"

"Cute" you smiled, kissing his shoulder. Looking up at him, you promoted your chin against his chest, "Do you miss it? The 40s i mean"

He thought about it for a second. "Nah" there was a bit of nostalgia in his tone, but you believed him. "I've kinda made my peace with the fact that everyone from my old life is gone. I wouldn't want to go back now. I got you. I got all of you guys. I'm good now, really good"

"I'm glad" you beamed, feeling yourself warm up from the inside just thinking of the progress he made. After a few seconds, you spoke up again, "But what about the society? Like the day to day life? How do you like the 2010s?"

"I can't lie" Bucky laughed, "I liked Romania better. Much simpler."

"You lived in a dead beat apartment, hiding everyday" you scoffed, "How was that better?"

"I don't know… maybe it was the simple life. Apparently I'm all about that"

"You'd move back there?"

"If you came with me?" he questioned, looking down at you. There was genuine sincerity in his eyes and a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips. "Wouldn’t even think twice"

"Maybe one day" you sighed with content. You snuggled back against his side, and closed your eyes. "We're not done avenging yet" you mumbled.

He didn't say anything to that. You didn't know whether he was getting lost in thoughts or if he was starting to drift off, but you would have been fine with either. When he spoke up again, you didn't expect the conversation to take this route.

"About Romania…" he sighed, "What made you come with Steve back in 2016?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-" he muttered, rubbing his light stubble, "I know why Steve came-" Bucky chuckled, "And Sam's all up his ass, so there's that. But what about you?"

"I-"

"I'm aware of the rift I caused between you guys back then. So that's why I'm asking. What made you stand by Steve from the beginning?"

"I knew how much you meant to him. And I know how this is going to sound, but I felt sorry for you, Buck. I know what it's like to be alone, to have everyone turn against you. You deserved better"

"Love-?" he called softly, his voice nearly breaking. "What do you mean you know what it's like to have everyone turn against you?"

As you maintained the eye contact, you felt tears prickle, "I know it wasn't fair of me to keep my past a secret, but-"

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to-" he said softly, his eyes warm. The pain was readable on his features, he hated how your whole demeanour changed.

"It's not that I don't want you to know, it's just that I hate talking about it. Gives me nightmares."

"Then we can just drop it" Bucky murmured, gathering you closer.

"I wish you could know without me telling you" you laughed, "You make everything better and easier. I should've told you, I know. It isn't fair to you. We've been together for almost two years but as far as you're concerned I didn't exist until I joined the avengers. I don't even know how much they know. We never talked about it"

"Love, listen to me. I'm here whenever you want to talk about it. You didn't do anything wrong. There are a lot of things about me that you don't know either. We're not those people anymore. No one can blame us for trying to escape out past"

"Yeah, you're right" you sighed.

Gathering your power, you pushed yourself up and settled beside him, with your legs crossed. You grabbed his hand pulling it into your lap, and intertwined your fingers with his as you spoke.

"Forget the official story, there's no truth to it anyway"

"I really didn't believe your mum was a criminal and that you were in a mental asylum" he joked.

"Good-" you smiled, his words lifting the atmosphere a bit. "Truth is, I don't know anything about my parents. But I have my assumptions. I grew up in that soviet facility so I never met them. I was told it was owned by a group of socialite scientists who wanted our help"

"Our? Who's we?"

"There were 7 of us"

"Did they have the same power as you?"

"Approximately. When we were younger, we used to comply and do everything we were told but as we grew up, things started to change. We weren't happy. Who could be? Considering we were being held in cells and studied like lab rats. We started to act differently and some might even say we tried to rebel, but that didn't work obviously, and that's when the restrictions began. For the last 3 years I spent there, there hadn't been a day where the temperature passed 0°C." 

Your skin crawled as you recaled the endless nights you spent shivering your way to sleep. Everything around you was ice cold. But it wasn't for the sole purpose of torturing you. It was your only weakness. As the temperature dropped, so did the movement of the atoms that made up your body - eliminating your powers to the point where you were barely alive. 

"One day, as spring came, we wanted to break out. We made a plan, and figured that as soon as we were out, we'd be fine. We were wrong. We were off about the weather and they got us before we even exited the perimeter. That's when the avengers heard about us."

By now, Bucky's eyes were wide with genuine curiosity, his mouth agape as he took in the information you provided. With every word you spoke his grip tightened around your fingers and his eyebrows gathered even further. There was discomfort and anger in his features, but he didn't interrupt you once.

"After that, the restrictions got tougher. We realised there was no way out. A lot of things came together in that small time frame. I realised what that place actually was days after we tried to escape. My friends - or that's what I thought they were, figured out another plan. Why fight when you can just eliminate the premise?"

Bucky moved his lips but no words came out. He cleaned his throat and sat up a bit, "What- what do you mean?"

"They tried to kill me" you said, plastering a sympathetic smile on your lips, hoping it would make it easier for him to hear.

"What the fuck. Why?"

"I think my dad used to be part of that team. And I think he made me the way I am. Now I don't know why he wasn't around anymore, but that team wasn't trying to get us to do anything. They were trying to make more of me. So if I was dead-"

"There would be no reason to keep the other kids…" Bucky finished the sentence for you.

You nodded.

"And what happened?"

You bowed your head trying to find a way to put your words together. Bucky didn't rush you, just reassuringly rubbed his thumb across your knuckles, waiting. When a tear from your cheek slipped and landed on the back of his hand, you looked up and took a deep breath. "I killed them. All of them."

He didn't say anything. Didn’t move a muscle, as he waited for you to continue. 

"I didn't even want to do that, Buck" you sobbed, breaking down. "I killed over 20 people because I was afraid. I didn't even move. I was in the corner of my room the whole time, but everyone who approached me was fried to death. I don't even know how I did that. I was just scared"

"Oh, baby" Bucky cooed, pushing himself up to wrap his arms around you. You fell against his chest, crumbling in his embrace. "I hope you know that was not your fault, ok?" he asked, rubbing your back. "You were just a kid, alone and afraid. It breaks my fucking heart, those bastards. Please don't feel sorry for them"

"I feel sorry for the other kids"

"They tried to kill you, Y/n" Bucky countered, "If you hadn't killed them, I would've gone after them. All of them"

"They were desperate..."

"So were you!"

"I can't help but feel like a monster sometimes, you know? Like I'm reckless and out of control. There are times when I'm all happy and excited about what tomorrow would bring, and then i remember what I did, and I have a hard time fighting away the thoughts that try to tell me I don't deserve that"

"What you deserve is the fucking world ok?" Bucky said, tilting your chin so you could see just how serious he was. "This past couple of years, you saved hundreds of lives and I know for a fact you did it out of the pure kindness of your heart, not because you wanted to make up for anything in the past. You're a fucking angel. You're the embodiment of good, you hear me? I know you. You'll never understand how much respect I have for you, and how in awe I am with the kind of person you are. Please, don't ever think less of yourself. Ever, ok?"

Tears rolled down your cheeks as his words proved to be much more than you were able to hear at that moment. "Thanks, Buck. That's sweet of you to say-"

"It's not sweet of me to say, it's the fucking truth" he scoffed, but he somehow managed to make it sound loving. "You didn't even fucking try, but just being around you made me feel like a person again. You're amazing, Y/n. We're all lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you."

"You're gonna make me cry" you sniffled, curling yourself into a ball against his chest, "I know you were in a dark place when we met. I'm glad I managed to help you through it"

"You pulled me through it" he sighed, tightening his hold around you. "I went from wanting to die, to thinking that I didn't even deserve the easy way out. Look at me now."

"Buck, stop"

"I love you so fucking much" Bucky laughed. 

His whole frame shook as he pulled you back down, safely holding you between his arms, "You're amazing" he added, kissing the top of your head, "Perfect"

"I said, stop" you chuckled, slapping his side, "I get it, you like me, can we-"

"I adore you" Bucky cut you off after grabbing the sides of your face between his palms. "And thanks for trusting me. I know it wasn't easy for you to talk about your past, so thank you. I'm always here for you. If there's anything ever, I got you, ok? Forever"

"I got you too" you added, kissing his cheek and then moving along his jawline, "No matter what happens, you'll always have me on your side. I'm all yours, Bucky"

"Yeah, you are, doll. All mine"

After that talk, how you managed to fall into a deep sleep will always remain a mystery. Nightmares didn't make their way into your mind, and you settled for a dreamless slumber, actually fully content for the first time in a long while.

But not everybody processed grief the same way. And if Bucky mentioned earlier that he was lucky to have you, as you were pulled out of your sleep, you realised that he wasn't as lucky as you were when it came to the mysteries that creep up on you when you least expect them.

-

"Wake up sunshine"

The sound reached your ears, but it wasn't Bucky's voice, so you just groaned in response and rolled over to the other side, completely pressing your face into the pillow.

"Buttercup, it's time to wake up"

The voice seemed uneasy, as if the person speaking was actually terrified. You opened your eyes wearily, and were met with the usual, complete darkness of your room. 

"Come on, Y/n" they spoke again. You turned to see one of Tony's maintenance robots hovering above your body, one small screen lit up on its front. Blinking a few times to rid yourself of the sleep still lingering in your eyes, you managed to make out the faces of Tony and Steve, both staring at you.

"What's going on?" you mumbled.

"You've got incoming," Tony announced, and then shook his head at whatever someone next to him had said. The microphone wasn't performant enough for you to hear what the other person said, but it was not like you cared.

"Incoming what?" you questioned, still confused out of your mind.

He turned his attention back to you, "The asshole"

You frowned and Steve scoffed, "Y/n, it's Bucky. He's not well"

"Wh-" you mumbled, your head snapping to the side, only then realising his side of the bed was empty. You shuffled your arm around the sheets, still warm. "What- what happened?"

"He's gone rogue, Y/n" Steve announced, genuine worry and guilt audible in his voice, "You need to make sure he doesn't leave. You need to stop him"

Tony's workstation. You needed to get the shackles off your arms if you wanted to stand a chance, "Tony? How do I take these off?" you asked, pointing to your cuffs.

"Already taken care off" he nodded, "Get to my desk, it's unlocked. All you need to do is actually get there. If you can"

"If I can-?" you began asking, but a loud explosion sound cut you off, causing the bed to shake as a wind blew through your room. "What the fuck!?"

"He may have found the grenade launchers" Tony smiled bitterly.

"Y/n," Steve called for you, "Please, be careful. And call us. Me and Nat will take the jet but I don't know-"

"Don't worry" you shook your head, jumping off the bed and rushing to your closet. You chose the first clothes you saw laying before your eyes and put them on, ready to go look for Bucky. "I got this, I promise"

"Oh, and Y/n?" Tony said, making you turn to him at the last minute, "Try not to fry my tower"

You nodded and refrained from making any promises you didn't know you could keep. 

As soon as you walked out the door, the sound of automatic rifles going off became deafening. Stepping over piles of broken glass, you made your way to the emergency staircase, heading to Tony's lab. You did so with maximal caution, knowing that if you were spotted, there would be no going back.

Descending the last remaining flight of stairs until his work station, a rush of adrenaline surged through you, knowing just how close you were. Silently rounding the corner, your eyes landed on Bucky's frame, easily holding one of the remaining SHIELD agents up by the neck.

He turned to look at you, eyes cold and empty. Not even rage. There was nothing there. No expression, no empathy, no feeling. It was as if he was dead. This wasn't him. 

"Buck-" you panted, raising your hands up in the air, signaling surrender. You eyed Tony's desk, determined to stall him until you managed to free yourself of the cuffs.

You took a cautious step to the side, hands still up in the air. Bucky watched you as the man struggled against his hold, legs spasming uncontrollably as he kicked and squirmed, even though it was so clearly in vain.

"Don’t mind me-" you smiled, sweat flooding your pores as you slowly approached your destination. "I'll just-"

"You'll just what-?" Bucky groaned, flinging his victim with impeccable ease. The agent's body flew across the room, crushing into the only device that had the power to help you get through this. As the work station crumpled under his weight, so did your hopes of getting out of this. 

"Bucky, hey-" you mumbled, afraid of pissing him off, "I-"

"Who the hell is Bucky?" he frowned, starting to march towards you. Your blood ran cold, knowing you didn't have what it took to keep up with him. You were never able to dodge anyone's blows, let alone his. When he reached you, his hand instantly reached around your neck, lifting you off the floor, "SHIELD?" he asked after taking a look at your attire. Although not carrying the emblem, it was probably the only explanation that made sense to him.

"Well, um-" you huffed, holding onto his wrist in hopes of not running out air, "No, not SHIELD"

"Then who are you?" he growled, tightening his hold on your windpipe.

"Fuck-" you gasped, kicking your legs, even through he didn't even flinch when you hit him. "You're not gonna believe this but, um-"

"Try me"

You looked into his eyes, hoping it would serve as some kind of a memento, that maybe he'd remember you. "You know me, Buck. It's Y/n, I'm- your girlfriend?"

Even saying it made you feel weird. This killing machine, apparently hell bent on wrecking havoc, was not the man you loved, and you cringed just imagining his reaction to hearing your words.

And it did turn out to be worse than expected, as he spun around, doing a complete 180° with your body before slamming you down on the floor. The wood cracked under your bones, knocking the wind out of you. The pain of the impact was excruciating, propagating along your body in waves of some physical agony you had never felt before. The sound of your bones cracking made you sick to your stomach. Your ears caught the sound of your arteries being torn as your organs collapsed.

And if you felt every inch of your body being shattered and destroyed, it was God's way of making you pay for your parent's mistakes, as when your wounds healed mere seconds later, the pain did not go away. Your nerve receptors still registered damage to the tissues, and no matter whether you were actually as good as new, your brain couldn't process that.

What consumed you the most was the fact that as you struggled to stand up, the pain of broken limbs lingered on. But you fought through it, gathered yourself and stood up, facing him again.

You winced with every muscle contraction, but eventually your eyes met his. He showed curiosity, along with something else. Something else which you wished wasn't determination to finish you.

"Can we-" you whimpered, extending a hand, "Can we talk?"

"Talk!?" Bucky raged, grabbing your wrist and twisting your arm to the point where he spun you around, your back pressing against his chest. "Not here to talk" he growled into your ear.

The hairs on your body stood as you heard his voice. Even though it was technically the same voice you loved more than anything in the world, it made you now shiver with a fear you've never experienced before. 

You didn't get a chance to sink too deep in your thoughts before Bucky raised your arm, dislocating your shoulder and busting your humerus into pieces. The pain cut your legs at the knees and you screamed in agony, falling to the floor at his feet.

"Stand up" he commanded, slamming his foot into your side. The momentum made your body roll away, until you settled back on the ground, face deep in the rubble. Your muscles pulled you to your feet with ease, but the pain coursing through you was immense, nowhere near close to what you thought bearable. You felt the skin being ripped from your body and when you looked down, your clothes were torn, soaked in blood, but your skin was intact. It was what you needed to keep going - to get inside your head the fact that you were fine, because at this point, the pain was one bruise away from making you faint.

"Bucky, please-" you cried.

"Stop calling me Bucky!" he yelled, starting to approach you again.

With every step he took, you slowly backed away. "Please, listen to me, just a second, please!"

He shook his head no, a demented smile on his lips as he closed in on you.

"Bucky-"

As a reply to your question, his fist flew up, slamming into your jaw, hard enough to throw you to the ground, "Why do you keep calling me-"

"What else do you want me to call you, huh?" you yelled at him, vision blurred under too many layers of tears. "Tell me, and I'll do it if it'll get you to listen to me."

"I don't want you to call me anything-" he cocked his head to the side, unstrapping a handgun from his thigh. He loaded it as you barely managed to crawl away, "You can take the pain. I respect that. Let's see how well you do with these lead bullets"

You saw them in slow motion, barely managing to duck your head behind the remains of what once was a heavy wooden bookshelf. The bullets missed your chest and face, but you saw them, felt them penetrate your skin, ripping through your muscles. 

The sound of your tissues being pulled to shreds made you feel sick to your stomach. As the bullets left your body, your wounds closed back up, leaving you a crying mess on the floor. Your throat constricted due to the wave of shock that hit your body, and your lungs started hyperventilating. Lightheaded and gasping for air, you struggled to crawl away from him, tears marching down your face and ending up on the floor, nothing but diluting the droplets of blood that had fallen from your body mere minutes before. Your heart was in overdrive and your vision blurred as every fiber of your being threatened to let you down. "Please-" you screamed, your voice breaking as you raised your hand for him, "Let's talk, please. That's all I want. Give me a minute"

But he didn't. He didn't even consider it. Instead, the force that controlled the body of the only man that ever managed to make you feel safe, tortured, destroyed and consumed your body for what felt like the better part of an eternity.

You had been thrown through walls, shattered windows, had glass shards lodged into your body from all angles. He unloaded cannon after cannon on you, used up all the ammo he had on him, only growing more and more annoyed when you refused to give up.

There was no way to know how much time had passed. Now you were standing by the window, inches away from the spot where two nights ago, you and Bucky clicked your glasses, smiling at how far you both had come. He laughed, saying he wouldn't have made it without you. And then he kissed you, confessing that the thought that maybe you couldn't have made it without him either, was what kept him going. 

And then there you were. 48 hours later, again, just the two of you. But now there weren't any champagne glasses between you, just his metal arm, wrapped around your neck, this time, as he said, for the last time.

"I don't get it-" he scowled, teeth gritted and frustration in his voice, "Why don't you fight me?"

"I can't fight you" you whimpered as your tears poured down against his cold hand, "And even if I could, I wouldn't."

"WHY?" Bucky screamed, and for a second, you thought you saw a crack there, a glister of emotion hidden deep in his otherwise beautiful eyes.

"Because I love you" you cried.

But there was none. He rolled his eyes and pushed you back, your body slamming into the window. You should've thought faster, been more witty and considerate, but terror washed over you and in the heat of the moment, you grabbed onto him for dear life, pulling him down with you, plummeting to the ground from what looked like the 70th floor of the Stark Tower. 

If until now you had been afraid of what you'd have to endure, it was now that you met true terror. You'd survive the fall, but he wouldn't. 

Even in the air, approaching the ground at a dangerous speed, he kept fighting you. Even in this state, you admired his determination - he had a job and wanted to get it done - even if that job was killing you. A man of his word.

By now, the pain was unnoticeable. If you wanted to keep him alive you had to act fast. Clinging to his body despite his vicious protests and ruthless blows, you used your momentum to turn the two of you around. And you did so at the last second, as before you knew it, your bodies crashed into the boulevard below, sinking down into the asphalt as it crumpled under your weight. 

The impact cut your breath away and there was a gnawing feeling all over your body, as if you had blades under your skin, pulling your body apart fiber by fiber. But you snapped out of it.

"Bucky!" you yelled, slapping his cheek.

He had fallen completely on top of you, his head pressed against your chest. He didn't move and the continuous buzz in your ears made it physically impossible for you to tell whether he was breathing for not.

"Bucky, please-" you cried, trying to move him so you could see his face. 

Nothing.

"No, no, no!!" you screamed, "You can't die, baby, please! Not like this, love. Please come back to me, Buck, I'm begging you!!"

You remained there and wailed, with him glued to your chest. Your arms had wrapped around his motionless frame, keeping him as close as you could. Nothing could have gotten you to stop. Tens of people gathered around the crater your fall created around your bodies, police showed up, cameras were pointed at your faces, but you didn't care. If he died, so would you. 

"You're all I have, baby-" you muttered, voice hoarse and dry from all the wailing and crying, "Please, you can't leave me. This can't be the end of us. Please, I don't know what to do, Bucky, please!"

You were soaked. In blood, and you didn't even know whether it was his or yours. God, how you hoped it all belonged to you, how the pool of blood you laid in was all yours. Tears soaked your face, pouring down your temples as your whole frame shook with your sobs, that was the true agony. You'd rather spend the rest of your days fighting for your life if it meant he got to see the sun again. You wished he'd hate you, rather than not feel anything at all ever again.

"Please-" you said again but this time your voice didn't even reach your own ears, you didn't hold that power anymore, "Please, you need to come back! You deserve so much better than this. You're the best man I have even known, you can't die like this, not today, Bucky. Not today!"

By now, the people around you had scattered. They knew your identities and for all the wrong reasons, feared you both. You were grateful for that now, you were alone with him again, as the sun began to set and a chilly New York night began to settle. 

Still, you didn't move. You still had faith. Or you were just stubborn. There was no way you'd pull away until someone either pried him off of you against your will, or someone that you trusted showed up promising they'd help.

None of them came, and you remained there, cradling his frame to your chest begging whatever God was listening, to bring him back. You didn't know if one of them heard you, or if it was just blind luck or fate, but you only realised his metal arm was lodged under your body when he moved it.

"Buck!" you cried, cupping his cheeks in your bloodied palms as literal life cursed through your veins. "Oh god, you're ok, you're alive!! You came back to me!"

You managed to hug him close one more time, before he pushed himself off of you. In the process of standing up, his eyes met yours for the briefest second. Again, nothing.

He gathered himself to his feet, wordlessly bending down to grab your hair. He forced you up and you instantly obliged, following him back into the building.

Once inside, he knocked you through a glass door, your body once again absorbing his fury. The pain had dissipated into a dull ache, and this time, you stood up faster. "I can do this all day" you sighed, the lie slipping past your lips with such ease, as if the energy inside your core wasn't running dangerously low.

"What did you just say?" he questioned.

He seemed taken aback, "I said that I can do this all day"

"Who are you?" Bucky yelled, marching towards you, determined to get answers out of you through nothing else but brute force. He slammed you back onto the floor, only to straddle your thighs and pick you up by the collar of your shit. "Why won't you just fucking die!?"

Circling your fingers around his wrists, you searched for his eyes, "Wanna know what keeps me alive?"

"Are you stupid enough to tell me?"

"I might be" you shook your head, "but I'll still tell you"

"Why?"

"Because I know you won't kill me" you cried, "I know you know me. I know you're in there somewhere. The man I love. I know you don't have it in you to kill me"

"Try me" he laughed, drunk with the power you were so willing to give him.

"These-" you panted, raising your arms in the air to show him your cuffs, "These are what's been keeping me alive but I know you won't-"

But you never finished the sentence. He didn't even think twice before ripping them off your arms and throwing them onto the floor, along with all the other mess you two had made.

You never thought he'd actually spare you. So it wasn't a surprise when the first thing he did after freeing you, was reach for his knife with the sole purpose of driving it through your chest.

But you were faster. You framed his face into your palms, releasing the energy from your body and allowing it to flow through his. It felt weird, wrong and chaotic, and the power surge wiggled itself out of your control, until a blast between your bodies sent you both flying back across the room, falling down onto the floor.

And this time none of you stood up.

-

"I leave them alone for what, a day?" Tony sighed, walking out of his Iron Man suit. 

"Holy shit!" Steve cried out, his knees betraying him as he tried to rush to you.

"No, wait!" Nat stopped him, "You can't wake them up until we get them somewhere safe. We need to make new cuffs for Y/n, and find a way to keep Bucky contained in case, you know… he's still not Bucky"

Steve was fuming with anger, nostrils flaring, "These are my friends you're talking about!" he exclaimed, pointing to your bodies on the floor, "Your friends too, Nat. You see them like this and the first thing you think about is restraining them!?"

"We need to make sure we're all safe" she sighed with sympathy, grabbing his hand for a comforting rub.

"You make sure you're safe-" Steve scoffed, "I'll make sure they're alive"

"Hey-" Nat stopped him, "If you touch her and startle her in any way, you die!"

Her words hurt him but he knew you never would. Steve felt his heart shutter just imaging what you must have gone through. He was ablaze with pure determination to prove Nat wrong, and to do right by you and Buck. "I carried her in my arms while she was passed out when we rescued her from that facility-" he fummed, pointing at you, "She never knew a man that didn't try to hurt her before. And when she woke up, she was afraid. Scared for her life. She cried in my arms and begged me to not let them take her again! She was never anywhere close to hurting me! She's good. So good. There's only good inside of her, I trust her to not hurt me more than I trust myself, ok? If I'm wrong, so be it. I die. I don't care. She deserves someone to look after her. If I had to chose, saving her would be the way I'd want to go"

His rant left Nat speechless. She just gave him a simple nod and stepped back. 

Carefully, he picked you up and carried you upstairs, as Tony put his suit back on and carried Bucky.

-

Never in your life had you woken up this fast. Your eyes snapped open and you sprung to your feet. 3 pairs of anxious eyes watched you, all of them ready to jump into action in case the situation called for an intervention.

"What-" you gawked, scanning the room, "Where is Bucky? Is he- is-"

"He's fine, Y/n" Steve assured you. He stood up and slowly approached you, arms outstretched. Your first instinct was to go for it, but when you reached him, you placed both your hands in his, and looked up at him with teary eyes.

"Are you sure?" you whimpered, "Can I see him?"

Sympathy took over his features, but Tony jumped in, "Absolutely not"

"What-" you turned to him, "Why? Did I-?"

"You didn't do anything wrong" Steve hummed, engulfing you in a hug even though you remained stiff in your spot. He rubbed your back, eager to soothe your worried mind, but you were too out of it.

“Can I just go?” you whispered, pulling back just enough so that he could see how serious you were, “I need to see him, please”

“Are you mad at him?” Nat asked with caution and your face fell.

“No!” you gasped, stepping away from Steve’s embrace, “No, not even one bit. I know that was not him, I know it’s not his fault. But when Bucky wakes up-”

“If he wakes up-” Tony sneered, roaming around the room. He nursed a glass of whiskey, as a mixture of disgust and exhaustion was readable on his features. 

“When he wakes up!” you spoke through gritted teeth. Determination coated your words and the hairs on your body stood as you refused to even think of the alternative. “He will wake up. And I have to be there”

“What if the Winter Soldier wakes up?” Nat asked.

“That didn’t stop me last time”

“Oh, no!” Tony butted in, stepping in between you and Nat, arms outstretched, “You know I’m not one to cry after money, but you and your pal left me with $37 million worth of damage. You two are one broken cup away from getting thrown into the streets”

The sum he mentioned made the skin on your back crawl. You didn’t even have $37 dollars to your name, but it made sense. Your body alone crashed through three TV’s, one gamma ray projector and if you thought about it, you remembered Bucky pulling apart one of the Iron Legion robots, and only the thought made you flinch. 

“So-” Tony said, “You two? Never in the same room again!”

“Take these off then” you suggested, pointing at the cuff on your wrists.

“Ha” Tony exclaimed, “A big chunk of that money comes from you frying all my electronics up until the 12th floor. Absolutely not”

“Tony, I’m serious” you whined, “He will hate himself. I need to be there! I need to make sure he doesn’t take all the blame on his shoulders”

He frowned, and sighed. He wasn’t an unreasonable man, and you hoped that core deep inside his chest really made up for a heart. And… it did. None of them were happy about it, but they finally accepted. Nat and Tony would have never probably given up if it wasn’t for Steve - right now, like so many times before, he really did seem like your guardian angel.

They ended up monitoring the room, and Tony waited for your signal, one hand on his cigarette, the other on the Iron Man suit. He was all talk - if anything was to go down and you would actually be in danger again, he wouldn’t even think twice before tearing his towers into pieces if it meant he could get you out alive.

And so you left, thanked them in the form of a simple nod, and headed down the dark hallways.

Oh, how you hated this.

What consumed you now had nothing to do with the pain you had endured in the past 24 hours. Its source was not physical, yet your whole body ached. You felt the weight of the world on your shoulders - and in some way, it was - Bucky was your whole world, and the fear of losing him breathed down your neck.

It had been about 20 minutes since you stopped in front of the door that led to the room he'd been confined in. When FRIDAY announced that Bucky woke up, you rushed over, only for a hazardous sense of anguish to stop you dead in your tracks. Judging by the way he sat in the corner of the room, his fingers aimlessly tracing every indentation in the handcuffs Tony had restrained him with, you had no problem telling which one of him woke up. He broke your heart. His room was equipped with 5 different cameras and 2 microphones. Completely unaware of them, he sat inches away from one, and your heart shattered, sinking 3 stories below when you heard him whimper.

It was soft and quiet. His whole frame shook as he wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. He was hunched down, brown hair covering his perfect face, but still, his sadness brought you to tears. 

You heard him again. He sniffled as he laid back against the wall. His eyes were bloodshot, lips almost white and dry as his chest raced up and down. His muscles clenched and his feet bounced against the metal floor, it was a sight you never wished you see ever again. 

Softly, you raised a hand, and thought twice before finally knocking.

"Go away," Bucky called, voice all hoarse and dry as it broke halfway through.

You were able to see him on the small screen next to the door, but he had no idea who came to visit.

Out of instinct, you knocked again before typing in the password and ever so slowly walking inside.

Instantly, he looked up. He was surrounded by an air of darkness and despair, ever so obviously tormented to the peak of his capability.

He stared at you for a few seconds as his eyes watered, and then he gathered his lips into a straight line, shaking his head. "Please, go"

"Bucky, I-"

"Please" he cried, head falling forward as he toyed with the metal edges of his prosthetic arm. He shook his head, "Please, don't do this. Just, go"

You took a deep breath, only then entering the room far enough to actually be able to close the door behind you. Slowly turning back to him, your palms sweated as you had no idea what to say to him. 

"Can you talk to me, Buck? Please?"

He chuckled, "About what?" 

"About whatever it is you think you did wrong, I-"

As he heard your words, his hands instantly flew up to cover his face. He was, however, stopped, as the cuffs on his left wrist kept him from moving too much. While a new row of tears flooded his cheeks, his eyes met yours, "Look at me.. I need to be restrained while you're alone with me"

"Those cuffs would literally do nothing to stop you from escaping, and you know it"

"Maybe it's just a sense of reassurance"

"To who?" you scoffed.

"To them" Bucky responded, nodding his head towards one of the cameras. "I'm a monster" he added, wiggling his cuff restrained hand, "I'm a danger to everyone"

"Oh for fucks sake" you rolled your eyes, marching up to him. With absolutely no remorse, you grabbed his hand and harshly pulled apart the metal that had him restrained to the bed. Before he got a chance to say anything, you bent down, unclipped the microphone from the foot of the bed, threw it on the floor, and stepped on it, until it was nothing but a small pile of shattered plastic.

And you kept going, destroying the second microphone along with the 5 cameras on the walls as Bucky watched you with surprise. You finished by going for the door and locking it from the inside. "You think I'm afraid of you?" you asked softly, "For 6 hours you did your best to kill me and failed miserably. Look at me, I'm unscathed"

"Did you hear yourself?" he cringed, shaking his head, "I tried to kill you"

"Ok, I know I said that you did your best-" you said, mentally scolding yourself for the error in communication. "We both know that wasn't you. That wasn't you, Buck. It was Hydra. It was the winter soldier, not you. My Bucky would never-"

"Y/n-" he stopped you, "I know you don't see things the way I do-"

"But I see them the right way"

"Listen-" Bucky sighed, driving his hands through his hair. For the first time that night you actually saw his full face, his cheek and signature scowl, his blue eyes and the tilt of the corner of his mouth - your soul melted when you associated the picture with the words that came out of his mouth. "I can't blame you for being here. I can't. If the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing. But, holy fuck-" he sighed, pausing to gather his thoughts. Bucky looked you up and down. His lips quivered and his head fell to the side as a sad smile appeared on his lips. "Remember this morning? How we talked about our hypothetical child?" he laughed and shook his head, "Even if I know we could never have a kid because we're both sterile, it was still the most beautiful thought that ever crossed my mind, Y/n''

"Mine too, Buck-"

"And what did I do?" he dismissed your empathy, "Two hours later I was unloading an AK-47 into your stomach, like the brainwashed maniac that I am!"

"Don’t say that!" you exclaimed, "Don't you dare think about things like this!"

"Why wouldn't I?" he threw his hands up in the air, "What does it matter whose fault it is? I get to live with the consequences."

"But-" you breathed out, "We can work through this. You did it before. You can't let something that hydra did dictate your life, Bucky. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be happy!"

"I tried to kill you!" he screamed, for the first time losing his calm and standing up to be at the same level as you.

"That was not you!"

"So what?" he huffed, "I was there, Y/n! I will never, NEVER get the feeling of crushing your bones out of my head! I felt your neck snap! I choked you with my arms! That is not something I can live with! I can't live a life by your side if every time I look at you I'm reminded of those horrible things I did to you!"

"Buck-" you cried, looking at him from behind too many layers of unshed tears, "Please, don't say that"

"I'm sorry" he responded in the same fashion, his pain coating every word he said. "When I close my eyes I see you laying in a puddle of blood. I can't stop hearing your screams of agony. Agony that no matter how you put it, was caused by my hands. That's not something we can live with, Y/n. You were not made for this. You really do fucking deserve someone that won't wake up one day and try to murder you in cold blood"

"And what do you deserve, Buck?" you quietly asked, searching for his eyes, "To live your life alone? Forever? If you had been with anyone else, this would have turned out so much worse. That cute barista three blocks down that always scribbles a heart on your coffee cup? She's cute, yeah. You deserve to be loved by someone, but if that someone was her, you wouldn't be drowning in guilt right now, Bucky, you'd be mourning her. Yes, you got troubles. Yes, you've got a past more fucked up than anyone else I have ever heard about. That's the kind of shit you can't change. But whatever you do from now on, is in your fucking hands and yours alone. Don't try to tell me you're not worthy of having someone, because that's the fattest load of crap I've ever heard. You're a good man! With a fucked up past! And a dark side that you need to fight! And you have me! I don't care you dropped Tony's piano on my legs, apparently I can take it! I'm here for you no matter what! You don't want to be with me anymore? Fine. But don't you dare push me away, thinking that a ruined future makes up for a ruined past"

"Who's to say I won't try it again?" he asked, "I don't know what triggered the transition. But what if once a week I end up trying to kill you-"

"Apparently you can't!" you laughed bitterly.

"Ok, so I can't" he nodded in approval, "Is that what you want? I should be your rock, your best friend, I should always be there for you. Do you want to have your whole world turned upside down whenever my brain decides to go berserk?"

"See, Buck" you sighed, "Of course I don't want that. I can't fucking stand here and tell you that I do. What kind of credibility would I have then? But you know what I want? You. You and whatever nazi shit that comes along. I want you. To help you. To have you with me. To see you everyday. If every Saturday at 10am you decide you want to kill me, you best believe I'm sacrificing my morning coffee just so we can kung fu around the living room"

He looked at you for a long second, the corners of his lips fighting a hard battle against the hint of a smile that started to show on his features. Eventually he caved and chuckled, shaking his head, "That was a bit funny"

"And fucking true," you cried, going for his hands and bringing them up to your chest. He winced, but you spoke up again, determined to not let his mind torture him.

"I love you, Bucky"

"How do you not hate me?" he choked, shaking his head in disbelief. "Can you seriously look at me and not get even the slightest instinct to run away?"

"Bucky..." you breathed out, cupping his cheek. "How could I run away when I've never seen you in more pain than right now?"

"You're an angel, you know that?" 

"I've been called a lot of things" you giggled, "Angel isn't one of them, but if that's what you want, I'll take it"

"Come here" he whispered, wrapping his arms around your frame. He had you nuzzle against his chest, his hold keeping you tight and secure. His heart beat against your cheek and your eyes watered again. There wasn't one thing in the world you wouldn't do for that heart - to make sure it keeps beating, and that it keeps the man you love alive. And content, above all. All you wanted right now was for him to accept the things that happened. You wanted to take whatever weight he was carrying on his shoulders, and put it upon yourself. "I love you so much, Bucky" you cried against his chest as your hold tightened around him, "I hate to see you torn like this. I don't want anything to ever happen to you. It terrifies me. I love you with all that I am. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You deserve the world, baby"

"So do you" he whispered, kissing the top of your head.

You felt his chest shake, a deep rumble echoed from the depths of his lungs. You looked up to see him fight back a sob, his eyes wide open, glossy and red, trained down on you, "I love you too much to do this, Y/n. I'm sorry, I don't think I can"

"No!" you gasped, pressing your face back against his shoulder, "Don't do that. You can't do that. No"

"We won't work, Y/n" Bucky said as he brought you even closer, "I can't look at you anymore. I can't look at you without dying inside. You don't want to live with me like that"

"Yes, I do!" you sobbed. "I'll work with anything you give me, I swear there is nothing more I want. Just you. Just you and me. Bucky, please don't do this"

He held you close for what felt like half a second, but rationally speaking, your legs were getting numb. You just stood there, clinging to his body, taking in his scent and listening to his breathing even out until he pushed you away. Oh, how you didn't want to let go. Ever. But you did, and choked back a sob as soon as you felt the cold air of the room brush against the part of your body that had been pressed to his.

"We should get some sleep, Y/n"

"Are you coming with me?" you whimpered, afraid of the answer he might give you.

Bucky shook his head, "I think I'll just sleep here tonight"

That broke you. The shock and terror cut your breath away. It felt impossible - the feeling of losing him. The amount of pain that surged through you. At that particular moment, you felt like cracking your chest open to grip your heart into your hand and pick apart the broken parts. But not even that felt good enough, you were fairly sure you'd be left with nothing. It felt like a slap across your cheek, like a cloth had been placed over your mouth and your legs cut at the knees. It felt like the end. 

Optimistic by nature, not even you could deny the reason he wanted to sleep alone. It was clear as day.

"If-" you mumbled, tears coating your face at their own free will, voice shaking as you barely managed to articulate the words over the violent sobs that ripped their way out of your throat. "If I promise to not do anything to try and convince you to stay… can you promise me that in case you decide to leave, you'll come and tell me first?"

"Oh, doll" Bucky broke down all over again, throwing himself at you again. He collapsed on top of you, molding his body around yours. "I promise, angel"

You just nodded. That was all you could do. It took another few moments for you to gather yourself and stop wailing, but you did, and then, with nothing else other than a sad smile, you left. 

Your feet carried you to your room, and you were ready to collapse on top of your bed. Eager to cuddle into his pillows. They smelled like that shower gel you got him and you hated it. You wanted his scent. Not even caring how ridiculous it sounded, you padded over to the chair in the corner of your bedroom, the one Bucky uses to discard all his worn clothes. 

You wanted to find a shirt he wore, one that smelled exactly like you knew him, but before you reached the clothes pile, your attention was drawn to the window.

Steve was standing there, facing the busy streets outside, hands in his pocket and his head turned in your direction.

"I didn't see you, sorry" you gasped, as your eyes accommodated to the darkness.

"It's fine" he shook his head, "I just figured you'd turn on the lights, you know, like the normal people. Didn't think I'd scare you"

"Yeah, sorry" you sighed, plopping down on the edge of the bed. "I did even think about turning the lights on"

He didn't say anything, but you saw him nod. He knew your pain. He lost enough in his life, and seeing his best friend sink back into his darkness was surely not easy for him either.

"Is he ok?" Steve eventually asked.

You shook your head, "He's too good of a man to be ok"

"That is Bucky" he laughed, and you couldn't help but do the same. The irony.

Steve's curiosity was palpable in the room. Words could not describe the appreciation you had for him for respecting your boundaries and not pushing you in a moment like this. But he deserved to know.

You opened your mouth to explain to him what happened, but as your mind processed everything all over again, you broke down. "I think he's gonna leave-" you cried.

Steve was quick to gather you in his arms, engulfing you in a bear hug, helping you stand on your own two feet. "What do you mean?" he asked, concern tracing his tone.

"I understand him, I do. And I promised I won't try to get him to stay if he doesn't want to. But- but I should've done more, Steve. I should've shown him somehow how much I love him. But I'm afraid he'll leave, and I don't want to live-"

"Hey, hey, hey" Steve hurried to stop you, petting your head softly before urging you to look up at him. "Bucky loves you more than I ever thought possible, ok? There's no question about it. I'm sorry I'm doing this, but I think he'll postpone it anyway"

"What?"

"The man wants to marry you, ok?" Steve smiled, "He asked Tony if he had any work for him so he could raise money. Can you imagine how that went down? He was red like a tomato, but he didn't think twice. James Barnes used the computer to look for rings for you. The Bucky I know? Never would've done this. You brought to life a part of him that no one else has seen before. He loves you. With all that he is. And trust me when I tell you, he won't stand to be away from you. You're his whole world, Y/n. He's my best friend, trust me when I tell you this is something you'll work through. I'll help, we'll all help. You're not gonna lose him, Y/n. He's so beat up about all of this because he loves you this much. He's all yours. If he decides to leave, I need you to be strong because he will be back. I got him back 70 years later. You just need to trust him. Trust his heart, ok?"

"Oh my god" you cried, "I don't know what to say"

"Don’t say anything" he chuckled, "We've been through so much together. All of us. Even if we try, nothing pulls us apart, ok? How many times has Loki died, hm?"

"God, Steve!" you scoffed somewhat amused and pulled back just to hit him, "Did you seriously compare Bucky to Loki!?"

"It got you to smile, didn't it?" he laughed. "But I'm serious. You've both been through so much worse than this. You'll get through this one too. And in case you ever feel like you won't, I'm here, ok?"

"Ok…"

Funny as it all was, it worked. He calmed you down - to some extent. Gave you hope you didn't know existed. If it wasn't for Steve, you probably would have not been able to fall asleep. And even though dreams didn't visit you, and you never relaxed enough to actually get some rest, you just dozed off. All clothed and curled diagonally on the bed, you cuddled Bucky's pillow to your chest as your eyes slowly fell closed.

When you opened them again, it was still dark out. You had no idea what pulled you awake as you struggled to sit up on the bed, but then you heard Bucky's voice again, from the doorway.

"Y/n?"

“Buck?” you gasped, turning around. Only his silhouette was visible, head hung low and hands deep in his pockets. He was leaning against the doorway, silently awaiting your response.

Right then and there, you felt your world collapse. Steve’s monologue made you actually fucking believe things would be fine, but here he was, keeping his promise. In the buttcrack of night, he kept his word, bidding you a much feared farewell.

“Is-” you sobbed, jumping out of bed and rushing towards him. You almost knocked him off of his feet when you flung yourself at him, but he was quick to reciprocate, caging you between his arms. “Is this it? You’re leaving?”

He didn’t say anything which frankly made everything worse. You broke down even further, clinging to his shirt as if it was the only source of oxygen keeping you alive - it sure felt like it.

“Look at me” Bucky urged you, tilting your chin up, “Please?”

You slowly lifted your head, your eyes meeting his.

“I’m sorry, I will make it up to you” he whispered, a frown settling above his tired eyes, “You’ll see”

“What does that even mean?" you questioned, tired and sick of this ongoing conflict that should not even have been an issue to begin with. "You don't have to make up for anything"

"I know you see things like that" he cooed, rubbing his thumb along your cheekbone. He spoke softly, his breath fanning against your skin, somehow, even in this situation, managing to calm you down. "But you can understand me too, right?"

"I don't want to" you shrugged, "I don't care. Why does it matter if I understand you or not if you're gonna leave anyway?"

"I'm not leaving, doll"

"What!?" you beamed, pulling away from his hold and grabbing his face in your palms, "You're not- but you're-"

His whole frame softened, "I'm not here to say goodbye, Y/n. I'm not going anywhere"

"Oh god" you gasped.

"Come on, come here" Bucky chuckled softly, bringing you back into his hold, "I'm staying here. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. You're the most badass woman I know and I managed to break you"

"I love you, Buck" 

"I love you more, Y/n" he sighed, "I'll make everything right, I promise"

"Oh, fuck" you breathed out relieved, "Just do whatever you want, I don't care. You're here. That's all that matters."

"And we also need to teach you to fight-" he added, "For real. And find a way for you to take those goddamn shackles off in case this happens again"

"Tony won't be too happy about it" you laughed.

"Fuck if I care-" Bucky said strenly, pointing at you, "Next time, you need to be able to stop me. And fast"

"Maybe it won't happen again"

"Maybe not" Bucky nodded, "But if it does, we need to be ready"

"Thank you" you said, "I know I didn't play this right. I know I literally dismissed everything that you must have gone through today. I'm sorry"

"You don't get to be sorry" Bucky stopped you, "Not after-"

"Then you don't get to, either!"

"Meh" he shrugged, "We'll see"

"Bucky!"

"I love you" he laughed, bending down to pick you up. He planted his hands on the back of your thighs, picking you up with ease and walking you over to the bed. You plopped back against the fluffy mattress with a huff, and giggled as he crawled his way on top of you. Instantly, his lips met yours. It was exhilarating, the kind that made your chest ache. You moaned against his lips as love transpired through his touch. It was overwhelming and the first happy tears of the day streamed down your temples as you arched yourself against him.

"I'm so weak for you, fuck" Bucky groaned, his right arm reaching around your back and pressing you against his chest. "You're everything" he added as he kissed his way along your neck, "I'm all yours forever, Y/n. I love you too much"

"I'm here, baby" you moaned, hiding your face into his shoulder, "You're mine, Bucky. All mine."

His lips didn't leave your body as he pushed himself up just enough to be able to reach the buckle of his jeans. The sound made your core ache, and your mouth watered.

There was no patience in his movements. He barely pulled his jeans down to his knees before ridding you of your pajama pants. He lodged himself between your thighs, his mouth instantly back on yours again.

"Come on" you panted, steading your arms against his strong back. Your legs found their way around his frame, ready to pull him closer.

When Bucky guided his hands between your bodies to align the tip of his cock with your opening, you whimpered in anticipation. Agonisingly slow, he trailed his tip along your folds before reaching your clit. With a blissful moan, he reached further up, tapping his cock against your bare cunt a couple of times before returning his attention back to you. 

"I got you, baby" he hummed, pecking your lips. "You ready? Is this ok?"

With eagerness, you nodded and wiggled under his weight, your pussy aching for him. "Yes, yes"

When you felt his cock push past your folds, you moaned out loud, your voice cracking with the pure pleasure that took over your being.

He eased himself in, going all the way until he all but knocked the breath out of you, and he stopped. Bucky reached down to kiss you again, his cock motionless, balls deep inside of you.

He bit down on your lip and you giggled.

"Felt your pussy clench around me, doll" he laughed, "You're good to me"

"You may be all mine, Buck, but I'm all yours too"

"Holy shit" he panted, shaking his head in disbelief. It was as if you weren't real. He'd have pinched himself, but if this was a dream, he really did not want to wake up. So he kept going.

Nibbling at the skin of your neck, he started to pull himself out of you. The slow pace was driving you insane. Your need grew so strong you felt everything. His breath, the way his hair tickled your chin, his strong around around your shoulders, his massive thighs rubbing against yours, every small vein along his cock that drove you closer and closer to the sweetest bliss you had ever known. 

He got you all worked up at an agonisingly slow pace, before his thrusts became more and more aggravated. You moaned with each thrust despite your struggles to keep quiet.

"You know how much I love hearing you, doll" Bucky shook his head as he drove himself back inside of you all the way, "Moan for me"

"Fuck, ok" you gasped, and closed your eyes as you started to fall apart. You gripped the bed sheets into your hands and pulled as he kept fucking you, deep and hard.

"You're so good, baby" he groaned, "So, so good for me"

He sunk his teeth into your shoulder, fervently sucking deep, maroon marks all ice your skin. Gutural grounds betrayed his air of self control as a plethora of curse words escaped his lips. "Taking me so fucking well. I can't keep going like this, you're too fucking tight-"

"Cum, baby" you encouraged, voice low and tender as you spoke against his ear, "Cum for me"

"Don’t have to tell me twice" he chuckled.

His thrusts started to become sloppy and irregular, as his eyes flew closed. You missed the blue of his eyes, but his mouth was slightly agape as he panted his way to an orgasm.

His chest heaved against yours, "How do you feel so fucking good?" Bucky cursed, eyes still closed as he barely managed to mumble his words between the numerous grunts of pleasure that forced their way out of his throat.

You gave him no answer, instead just clung to him tighter, "Fuck, Bucky, I'm close-"

"Come on" he encouraged, hurrying to rub your clit. His fingers found your bud in an instant, working experienced, familiar circles that almost drove you over the edge. "Cum with me, ok?"

You nodded, gathering your lips between your teeth. He kept fucking you, harder and faster until he had turn limp under his weight. You came as his name rolled off your lips, and he followed seconds after, pumping his juices deep inside your pussy. 

You felt his absolute pleasure as he breathed heavily against your shoulder. He kept going until you were both spent, and then fell down beside you. 

"Bucky-" you whined, turning over and curling into his side, the lack of contact making you more needy than ever.

"Yes, darling?" he panted, tapping your chin.

"Nothing. I just love you"

"Love you too, doll" he huffed, spinning you around so you laid on your back.

He effortlessly helped you out of your shirt and plopped down on top of you, his head resting on your bare chest. His warm, right hand cupped your breast as he closed his eyes. He wrapped himself around you, "Hold me" he muttered, "please"

"Always, Bucky" you said, engulfing him in the tightest hold you could muster. Only then did you feel him calm down completely, and there was nothing in the world you could ever ask for.

-

If you liked it, please reblog and tell me what you thought? :)

[wiltkingart]

hi wilt, sorry if this is a weird ask, but do you have any advice on working faster? ive been drawing for a while, but i feel like even relatively simple things take me a long time to do well compared 2 other people. But whenever I try and force myself to work faster, i think my art suffers for it. I'm just drawing for myself rn, so there's no outside pressure or anything, im just unsure how to draw/paint faster without sacrificing the quality of what i'm working on.

i can speak from my personal experience, at the very least!

first off i want to preface that taking longer than other people to make art isnt a bad thing at all. some artists that i admire a lot have said that they take days or weeks or even months to make a single art piece. the fast paced pressure of being a modern ‘social media artist’ does us more harm than good, i think. and there’s really nothing wrong at all about taking your time, especially if you like your art better when you go at your own pace.

personally i have gotten significantly faster at art over the past 3 years, but that wasnt ever actually my intention. in fact my goal was just to simplify my sketches to make the whole process easier on my hand. but by simplifying my sketches, i ended up cutting back severely on the amount of time it would normally take to overwork and cleanup my sketches, as well as reducing the amount of time i needed to clean up my work while coloring. so it became a positive side effect of my original goal, rather than my main focus.

for example, this is what my sketches looked like in 2016

i would spend so much time and effort on them that i would often end up just using the sketch as lineart and coloring underneath.

lots of artists do this, and it isnt bad at all! but this was very stressful on my hand. i literally got tendonitis so bad i had to see a physical therapist and rethink my whole life, and i was hardly able to make actual paintings because it would take so long and the rendering/cleanup process was hell. in 2017 i tried to mitigate the problem by letting myself be messy in both the sketch + painting process. thus the start of the wiggly era.

but it wasnt enough. i still didnt like how much time i was spending on cleanup/rendering. so began my 2018 journey to simplify my sketches and i forced myself to do this by completely removing my ability to use pen pressure by using the binary tool. i also started laying down silhouettes first, which is something i still do to this day.

i’ll admit it was a rough period of time, but i kept at it! i liked how i had more freedom and maneuverability with the painting phase. and eventually i adapted to it and became more comfortable with it and my art started to look and feel decent again.

i became so comfortable with it that i decided it was time to set aside the binary tool and go back to my good old friend the marker tool, because i missed having the ability to make sketches that looked good on their own too. but by now i had the ability to quickly and effectively make sketches that held the bare minimum information i needed to work with.

and right now im really happy with my current art process. its super flexible and im satisfied with splitting up my time as 10% sketch 90% color/painting. plus my hand pain is at an all time minimum! so i guess what im trying to say with all this is that as long as you’re happy with your process and your art, it doesn’t matter how slow or fast you are. if you’re not happy with your process, then by all means try new things. but i dont think speed is in any way an indicator of skill.

“im just unsure how to draw/paint faster without sacrificing the quality of what i'm working on.”

if you dont want to change the way your art looks then there’s no need to force the issue. but if you are still interested in trying to speed up your work, there will most definitely be a dip in quality for a while while you figure things out and learn new techniques, as i think ive shown with my journey. but that dip will be temporary.

as far as how to speed up your work, ive only shown my approach to it and there’s dozens of different ways to do it. some people force themselves to do 5 min / 1 min / 30 second figure studies. other people use multiply/overlay effects to speed up the coloring process. its a highly personal matter and i would recommend asking other artists or looking up tutorials! best of luck and i hope this helps in some small way.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 13

A/N - OMG finally an update!!! I'm so sorry it has taken me so long but writers block is a bitch! Thank you all for sticking with me and being so patient 💕💕💕 Please like/comment/reblog.

"CHRIS EVANS HAS A SECRET FAMILY!"

Shit, shit. Shit! Oh my fuck this can't be happening!! I thought to myself as i clicked on the link Hannah had sent me, the page loaded showing photo's of Chris and I kissing, photo's of Chris and Mason...... my heart was racing and i could feel the panic setting in.

"Fucking Brian!" I mumbled, this was taken the day i saw his car outfront! I got up and made my way to Chris' office, i needed to let him know about this ASAP incase he was suddenly blind sided with a question while doing his interview.

As soon as i appeared in the doorway Chris looked up and gave me a little smile that soon fell when he saw the tears in my eyes.

"Im so sorry but can you just excuse me for two seconds..... i'll be right back" Chris said leaving Scott talking to Jimmy Fallon.

"Whats wrong?....." he asked quietly pulling the door closed behind him.

"Im so sorry Chris....." i shook my head.

"Why? Whats happened?...."

I passed him my phone showing him the headline and photo's "Everyone knows, I'm so sorry! This is all my fault...." i started to cry, this isn't how i wanted everyone to find out... we weren't ready for everyone to know yet!!

"Hey stop! This isn't your fault sweetheart!" Chris wrapped his arms around me "come on don't cry, i hate it when you cry".

"Im so mad Chris!...they have no right posting photo's of Mason!"

"Let me just go finish up this interview, i'll be two minutes" he kissed me before rushing back to finish up with Jimmy.

After Chris had finished up his interview he was calling his publicist Megan, he already had missed calls from her so she had obviously heard what was going on. An hour later she was sat on the sofa across from us listening to the whole story.

"I want those photo's of my son taken down now! They can't post photo's of my 6 year old for everyone to see!" Chris was yelling as he paced the room.

"I've already put in a call and told them to take it down, but you know its gonna be out there now....you can't hide from this Chris"

"I know but.... fuck! We didn't want Mason in the public eye..... he's just a kid!"

"I get it, they should have at least blurred his face in the shots, most tabloids do nowadays unless the parents give consent but this particular tabloid that published the story, they're not one of the big names so they're more interested in their 5 minutes of fame with this exclusive"

"Brian did this. He did it to hurt me, its not even about the money! He could've sold the story to one of the big tabloids and got a payout..." i shook my head "the guy is crazy! I wasn't even dating him!"

"We're gonna try and do something about him too, leave it with me" Megan gave me a small smile while writing something in her notebook "So, you should probably post something on your socials.... clear up the gossip. Usually id say don't react to this but we need to do some damage control because right now, i guarantee all people are thinking is either you've been an absentee father with no interest in your son for the past six years" she said looking to Chris "or you'll be public enemy number one for keeping Chris's son from him" she looked over to me and i lowered my head in shame, i had done that..... i had my reasons but i did it all the same.

"So what do we say?" I asked quietly as Chris came and sat beside me taking my hand.

"We say that even though the two of you haven't been together romantically up until now, you have been raising your son together but chose to keep him out of the public eye"

"I'll put something together for you to look over, make sure you think its okay" Chris told her.

"I know this isn't great but we can handle this"

"Thank you Megan".

Over the next couple of days things gradually calmed down, Chris had posted a simple statement which i was told to post too even though my accounts were private to friends only, he didn't go into much detail but confirmed that we do have a son together and asked for our privacy to be respected.

His fans had actually been amazing and so supportive, of course there were a few saying some not so nice things about me and Mason but we knew that would happen. The tabloid stories quickly disappeared regarding Mason when other celebrities started posting, calling the tabloids out for not respecting our privacy after we had made it clear we didn't want our son in the spotlight.

But i still had this constant pit in my stomach, a feeling that things would still get worse before they went back to normal.

I was currently laid on the bed next to a basket of laundry that needed folding and putting away, I had retreated upstairs with the excuse of doing laundry while Chris, Scott and Mason were out back playing some game. The truth was i just needed some alone time, i was tired of putting on a brave and happy face, pretending like everything was fine. My hands massaged my temples trying to shift the dull headache that seemed like a constant thing lately.

"Hey, you okay?" The sound of Chris's voice from the door way made me crack open an eye to look at him.

"Yeah, headache is all"

"You've been up here a while, i got worried"

"I was doing laundry i told you....."

"You mean the laundry still sitting next to you?" He teased with a raised eyebrow.

"Yep, i started then i got a headache. I just need a few minutes" i said quietly closing my eyes again.

"Sweetheart you know you can talk to me, you don't have to act like everything is fine....."

"Yes i do, if i don't I'm gonna loose it and i can't do that with Mason around".

I felt the bottom of the bed dip and opened my eyes to see Chris crawling up the bed towards me, he moved my legs so his upper body was resting between them as he pressed kisses to my T-shirt covered stomach.

"What are you doing?" I shook my head and chuckled at the playful look he had on his face.

"Trying to cheer you up, maybe help you forget for a while" he smirked pushing my T-shirt up more so he could kiss my bare skin this time.

"Is now really the time for that? Mason is awake downstairs...."

"Its the perfect time for that, Scott will keep Mason busy"

"You dont know that....."

Chris quickly pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped quickly on the screen before tossing it aside.

"Done, no distractions" he laughed.

"Oh god please don't tell me you told Scott why?"

"Of course not but he's not stupid"

"This is a bad idea..... we said slow...."

"This is slow, i just wanna make you feel better. Plus you know orgasm's are supposed to help with headaches" he shrugged with that cocky grin.

"Oh really? Is that right?"

"100%" he nodded making us both laugh, he reached for my shorts and starting to pull the them down my legs...

"Wait!" I said suddenly sitting up to look at him making him groan as he looked back at me from between my legs.

"What?"

"Lock the door would ya?" I giggled throwing myself back down on the bed shaking my head as he leapt from the bed and flipped the lock.

"Now where were we?" He said before crawling back into position.....this was a bad idea.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes @bellamy-barnes @buchanansebba @rosalynshields @turtoix @dottirose

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina

@mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax @jennmurawski13 @ford66steal @saiyanprincessswanie @christocrave

@jakiki94 @torntaltos @my-dearest-agent @ms-betsy-fangirl

[daaedoodles]

so an update for tumblr even though i don’t know who’s going to see this since i’ve been inactive for yonks

i have a diagnosis!! well, two actually. the cardiologist from my last appointment wrote (POTS) postural orthoststic tachycardia syndrome / dysautonomia, and i saw a GP last week who worked under the recently retired CFS specialist here, who says i fit the ICC (international consensus criteria) for, and therefore have ME/CFS.

my parents are still clowning a little trying to get me to take weird herbal medicines, but once that’s over and it doesn’t help (it probably won’t honestly) they finally have to take me seriously 😭

i have a treatment plan in place, right now for the POTS i’m trialing ivabradine and bisoprolol to see which one works best/less side effects.

for the CFS, i’ve got a lot to do so i’m just going to drop in a photo.

i mean i’ve been dealing with this for so long and i’ve never been able to grasp the concept of actually stopping before my body physically makes me stop (via pain, dizziness, nausea, fatigue) because i figure if i feel okay right then and there why should i stop before i get tired? and how do i even know when to stop on days where i feel like crap?? as a healthy person you feel fine doing things, you can go to a whole day at school or even do extracurriculars and go out to malls with friends so you never really have to stop before you want to or you’re used to - but now i’m pretty much being told ‘stop before your body tells you to stop’ which is just?? weird. i cant wrap my head around it but i’m going to have to because apparently if i keep going the way i am, my baseline will keep getting worse - and if i actually follow the doctors treatment plan i will feel better over time (months, a year even)

i probably need to be a little more attentive to my symptoms because sometimes i can’t tell when they’re starting to get worse until they’re bad enough that i physically have to stop whatever im doing and rest 😭 like even right now typing this i’m feeling okay but starting to get a little achey - but that’s normal for me doing just about anything ever, which i presume is when i’m meant to stop and rest so uhm 🤡

it feels really weird having a diagnosis, i’ve been working towards one for months because i knew this was the problem, but also now that i have the diagnosis i don’t really want to face it. it’s a bit of a feelings-of-doom inducing diagnosis, i mean there’s no end in sight, either way, it’s not a garauntee it’ll get worse or better or that i’ll ever recover, but if the doctor feels optimistic then i’m going to try and be aswell 👍

hopefully i’ll be more active posting here or on ao3 soon, i know a lot of new readers have dropped into pieces!au while i’ve been gone because of the email notifications so it would be pretty tragic if i just jumped ship and never wrote for the fandom again 💀 i will be back i swear, once i figure out the basics of how to even pace myself i’ll be more active on socials.

love you all, take care <3