#im so tired of my depression too but bitch i have shit i need to do! let me do it! but that and ED are keeping me from it

[bunnyb34r]

Yay I'm no longer stinky 🥰 but I feel even worse now than I did befooooore 🙃

[savage-rhi]

I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.

[tenjikyu]

Cool! Though the songs are kinda,, depressing but you’ll decide if you’re comfortable doing them anyways so one song is called Partner in Crime by Madilyn Mei and the other is Good Enough by Xdinary Heroes and if you’re stumped at what to do I’m pretty sure Madilyn Mei has some shorts with her song using diff character relationships and for Xdinary Heroes if you listen to the official audio there’ll be a top comment that explains how the song came to be

𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘮𝘦 - 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘭𝘺𝘯 𝘮𝘦𝘪

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚ psycho!sanzu x psycho!gn!reader , lyric fic , lots of tw’s!

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚ WARNINGS: accusations of cheating. hints of sex but nothing ever really mentioned. mentions of gore, torture and dark content (he’s yakuza whadda ya expect). alcohol and drug consumption. possessive and borderline toxic relationship but it goes both ways.

♬ when you’re gone i feel alone again , the voices cannot hold my hand .

sanzu held the gun closer to you head. this is a common occurrence at your house. you don’t answer one of his calls from headquarters, so he comes piling into the house, gun in hand and ready to shoot any mystery person you’re so obviously cheating on him with.

there is no mystery man or woman, there is only a silenced phone with you knocked out on the lounge, empty vodka bottles and coke bottles next to you.

sanzu only sighs to himself.

♬ they keep me company at very best , distract me from my loneliness .

you barge into the headquarters of bonten, all the executives more then familiar with you by now. you came over a lot, either sanzu forcing you or to drag the said man into work.

“sanzu why the FUCK are there used women’s underwear in our laundry?” you shout and the giggling asshole.

of course, there was no side piece for him. you simply pissed him off, so he decides to fuck you over and toy with your head.

“i don’t know? why don’t you ask the empty bottles i found you sleeping next to 2 hours ago?” he spits, venom lacing his words.

“fuck you.” you respond, slamming the doors on your way out. manjiro only looks over at you, wondering why you put up with him despite all you ever seem to do is bitch to eachother.

♬ maybe i’m just an anomaly , even my demons have their families .

“i won’t let you out of this door asshole.” you say, watching sanzu attempt to walk out of the luxury apartment the two of you share.

“FUCK YOU (Y/N) IM SICK OF YOUR SHIT” he screeches, attempting to leave.

you both knew he was bullshitting. even if he did leave, he’d always end up begging to be let back in, and you both knew that you’d cave.

“you aren’t going anywhere, haruchiyo sanzu.”

it’s like a punch to the stomach. sanzu knew that if you said he wasn’t going anywhere, then he wasn’t going anywhere.

♬ truly something must be wrong with me , to need you as much as i do .

the both of you were passed out on your shared bed, half undressed and with marks littering both of your skins.

the rotten stench of blood filled both of your noses. god only knows who’s blood it was, but you were both too tired to really give a damn.

you only held his pink hair close to your chest, protecting him from his own mind.

sanzu huddled closer, the skin on skin contact soothing his racing thoughts. only your sultry voice and lyrical words could bring sanzu down from his high, the sweetish scent of meth lingering on his breath.

♬ i was never meant to win .

♬ i was never meant to win .

♬ i was never meant to win .

“PLEASE GOD NO” the woman strapped to the chair screeched, her husband’s bare fingers lay next to her, the wedding band still visible on his ring ringer.

“now now, why do you care what happens to him? you’re the whore who came onto my partner.” sanzu’s voice chimes.

he wasn’t lying, the woman came up to you and pressed her chest close against your arm, asking your name and your relationship status.

you wanted to gag at the sight, however your pissed boyfriend had her knocked out before you had the chance to respond.

and so, you watch the love of your life slowly dismember her husband, giggling to yourself.

he’s so sweet to you <3

♬ here’s the reigns , take ahold of me ,

♬ please don’t let go .

sanzu had you sat on his lap, gun in hand and against your head.

why? because he missed you. so, as any sane lover would do, he kidnapped you from your own home and threw you into his office, declaring that if you tried to leave then he’d be painting his walls red.

and so, testing your luck, you stepped out of the office.

hence the forced lap with the gun thing.

♬ you do the talking , see my mouth if i can’t keep it closed .

he was hyperventilating on the floors of your bedroom. yawning and sighing to yourself gently, you plop yourself next to him and wait for the signal.

“don’t just sit there asshole” you hear him mumble from beneath his hands. the signal.

you pull him into an embrace, his face buried into your shoulder as he sooths himself, rocking back and fourth. you grasp his wrists gently and bring his face to yours, as if he was a delicate flower that’s petals could fall at any time.

you press a gentle kiss to his temple, and then to the diamonds on either side of his mouth. his pouty face was too cute to hide away.

despite it all, you can’t bring yourself to allow your lover to suffer alone.

♬ there’s a dog barking right around the block , and a big ol’ whistle blow .

you grasped his hand gently, a ring ever so delicately glimmered on both of your left ring fingers, a nail straight through the finger in order to keep it on forever.

the blood dripping onto the sidewalk as you wandered through the empty streets didn’t phase you, only the symbol of your engagement and the maniacal giggles of your deranged fiancé phased through your mind.

the ring idea was your beloveds, seeing the ring in one of the shops he frequents. a ring with a nail that goes through the middle to keep it on, a diamond on the top to symbolise its meaning.

a perfect ring for a perfect couple.

♬ run for it , i’ll keep em occupied for you .

♬ cause i love you, i love you so .

“hey (Y/N) have you seen sanzu anywhere? he didn’t come into work today and mikeys pissed. he’s kinda the only guy who can talk to mikey without getting shot anyways.” kokonoi hushes to you over the phone, presumably because mikey is nearby and doesn’t want to get shot himself.

sanzu only sighs to himself, knowing he had to go in. he was planning on ditching to spend the afternoon with you, but work is a bitch i guess.

“i’ll let you have my fiancé if i can stay for the day as well” you bargain with the treasurer, knowing he’s easy to persuade with the current situation.

“i don’t give a shit if you’re here or not, just get the vice head here soon or mikey won’t hesitate to blow your brains in either.” he hangs up the phone.

giggling quietly, the both of you get dressed and mentally prepare yourself for a LOT of yelling.

♬ left me hangin at the station , but you’ll be back for me soon .

you could hear haruchiyo ever so slowly calming the exhausted kid down, little by little his voice stilled and you presumed that was the end.

you were surprised to hear mikey had summoned for your presence as well.

entering the boss’ office, you find a sleepy mikey with a pissed haruchiyo holding him up.

“jackass goes off on me then falls asleep on me afterwards. you’re better at this touchy shit.” haruchiyo spits out at you, before shrugging the boy onto you.

he was extremely thin and his white hair was a mess, but even you couldn’t bring yourself to give him any shit. you knew mikey before he went haywire and knew he had a shitty childhood.

so, you spent the next three hours on the lounge of the most dangerous man in japan’s office, with the said man sleeping like a baby on your lap.

you could tell sanzu was ready to strangle manjiro, however you only whacked him up the head before letting your fiancé rest on your other shoulder.

♬ i’m ‘bout to die , yet the only thing i find i’m worried about is you .

shopping for your beloveds birthday was difficult considering every time you left his side he’d threaten to abandon you, however the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity presented itself when manjiro sent haruchiyo on a mission for him.

you found yourself in the middle of the mall, looking around at anything that would interest your crazed parter. despite not being in bonten, you were much associated with them and therefore had to stay careful.

looking around at the assortment of jewellery stores, you finally settle on something.

forever bracelets.

bracelets that could not be removed, and you knew exactly what you wanted it to be laced with.

♬ something tells me you aren’t coming , guess i’m truly doomed .

the day of your lovers birthday had arrived. you woke up at around 3:30 pm, had some cake and dragged him out to the same shop you had his gift waiting for him.

walking up to the ladies who were going to prepare your bracelets (who instantly recognised your fiancé) , you held your gun to them as they did sanzu.

the gold bracelets were laced with eachothers blood, the light of the sun showed it off beautifully. and when it came time for yours to be completed, the cops were about 3 minutes away.

giggling to yourselves as you left the store, you grasped eachothers hands.

“perhaps we should get the necklace version on our honeymoon” haruchiyo voices, the sun slowly setting. the two of you walked the streets, before eventually making your way back home. the cops sirens couldn’t be heard, presumably still looking for you in the mall you had both left already.

“maybe, if you’re able to walk properly once i’m through with you” you joke to him, laughing together.

boy is he going to show off his birthday present to the executives tomorrow.

♬ i’m ‘bout to die , yet the only thing i find i’m worried about is you .

♬ i’m ‘bout to die , yet the thing on my mind seems to nearly be nothin but you .

[demvalhaken]

I will eat your house

HOLY SHIT I HAVENT POSTED IN LIKE 4 DAYS, SORYY GUYS IVE BEEN FOCUSED ON SCHOOL, I HAVE TO GET A VIOLIN PLAYING VIDEO IN BY FRIDAY AND I CANT EVEN PLAY THAT WELL DUDES!!! PRAY FOR ME GUYS, I CANT EVEN GET MY HOMEWORK DONE, I NEED TO STOP PROCRASTINATING!!!

Anyways Queen Bloodlust is a very large black widow cus her immortality causes her to never stop aging/growing… She used to be Divine’s height

Oh yeah if you didn’t read the older post about Bloodlust which is also buried in the termite post. Divine (Guy at the bottom right) is her great-great-great-fucking too many great grandson, he’s king of the spiders, they do not care if its a king or a queen, they are desperate

I’m like the hugest nerd ever, I watched an in depth video about cannibalism and then I proceeded to eat all of that information so I can babble to my friends that don’t even listen to me… I wish I could talk to people rather than somehow ruining my relationship with everyone, it’s giving Never Love an Anchor by The Crane Wives. There’s also like 100 Tyler, The Creator songs in my playlist, there’s a 50% chance after every song that it’s Tyler. It’s crazy how good I am at being lonely, like bro, why can’t I keep friends with me without doing something wrong… at least my teachers are nice to me :D

Wtf am I on, please don’t give me coffee, It brings the locked up depression out of my brain. I actually don’t think the depression left from Covid… I think it’s just been dormant… GUYS THIS MIGHT BE A HUNCH BUT I THINK IM NOT OKAY!!! Sorry if I go off track in literally every single post, my brain wanders too much. MY HANDS ARE SO FUCKING DRY, THEY BURN, THEY HURT, AND THEY ARE BLEEDING :( I’m still gonna wash my hands 40 times a day, no one can stop me

STOP YAPPING BRO THATS TWO PARAGRAPHS GET TO THE LORE

Queen Bloodlust misses her home because after a battle/war, they had to move, this was during the reign of Bloodlust’s mother, her mom died in the fight… poor Bloodlust, forced to live eternally and watch everyone around her perish slowly

All lore previously stated is subject to change as I’m always rethinking lore but it does stay fairly consistent and rarely changed unless its boring and bothering me

Okay love you guys, sorry for yapping, also be a menace to society, just don’t eat uranium

Edit:

Hehe reference, this was during the drawing, I got bored

Edit 2: Why are my parents always mad at me for washing myself constantly, like bitch what? You can’t just say “stop” and expect that one word to work, I’m just trying to keep some goddamn cleanliness! It’s like they want me to be covered in grime, dirt, spilled drinks, and grossness! Then they get to be homophobic and racist without any consequences when that’s literally worse than being clean 24/7 and tired. At least I actually like black people, we literally all have the same insides, stfu parents… ALSO THEY SAY THAT OFFENSIVE WORD, LIKE BRO WE ARE VAMPIRES YOU CANT BE SAYING THAT

[tadpolesonalgae]

Ive been gone so long 😩😩😩

Also.

IM SICK AND TIRED OF AZRIEL. at this point he should have died oml. Reader should hook up with Helion or Eris and ditch his ass. She goes to him for help, what does he tell her? "Your sissy gwuna wunna help you too 😣" OKAY??? AND??? SHE WANTS YOUR HELP BITCH. HOW DO YOU SEE THIS CUTE LITTLE FEMALE AND BE LIKE "whoopsies, you're depressed now. Im gonna blackmail you about your powers and push you to the brink of insanity BUT IM STILL GONNA PLAY THE HERO" Im sick and tired. SICK. and. DAMN TIRED.

Hoe like or no life on this bitch. LEAVE THE NIGHT COURT AND DIDDLE HELION. IM SURE HES INTO THAT. This man better grovel. Beg. Buy her a house. After all the shit he put her through.

AND IM STILL MAD ABOUT THE EARRINGS. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WHO ALSO BARELY KNOW HER WERE GETTING HER COOL THINGS THAT THEY KNEW SHE WOULD LIKE??? I bet he eenie meenie minee moed it.

Anywho, Im getting all in my feels. Just wanted to say, you are creating the ATYD of the Azriel x Reader tag. Keep at it 😋

From a very distraught but proud,

-☀

‘IM SICK AND TIRED OF AZRIEL. at this point he should have died oml. Reader should hook up with Helion or Eris and ditch his ass.’

That is quite the whirlwind of emotions contained to just three sentences! Wow, okay I don’t even know where to begin with that 😭

I feel like having him pass away might be a bit of a harsh sentence, but I’ll leave that up for debate… The hooking up with either Helion or Eris…I dread to think what sort of drama that would land her in if she actually did either of them, but hey, it’s all fictional, why not theorise?

I think between the two of them (theoretically) Helion would be the better choice, since I don’t think Eris has allowed reader close enough that he’d be openly affectionate with her—which I think is some of what she needs, most of all 👀

Helion though, I think they would bond well, both with the scholar aspect and with Helion probably being much more open—I imagine it wouldn’t be too dissimilar from how her relationship was with Bas when they were still intimately sleeping together? And plus I think just reader getting to visit elsewhere is something she’d love to do after her trip to autumn and getting to see the different things 👀

‘BUT IM STILL GONNA PLAY THE HERO" Im sick and tired. SICK. and. DAMN TIRED.’

This entire paragraph made me laugh—your impression of Azriel is spot on, I must say 😭

‘This man better grovel. Beg. Buy her a house. After all the shit he put her through.’

Babes you’re making me sad ☹️ poor Azzie 😢

‘I bet he eenie meenie minee moed it.’

Not sure if this will help or hinder your feelings on the earring subject, but I strongly headcanon that out of everyone who gave her a give, Azriel put the most thought into his 😶

Because he knew that reader was fond of him so didn’t want to get her something bespoke or precious in case that caused her to latch onto him more, but also couldn’t give her nothing because that would have been cruel, so spent ages just thinking about what would be a polite, cursory gift he could give that would suffice without being extreme 🫣

That’s just a headcanon though, feel free to think of it however you like 👀

‘Anywho, Im getting all in my feels. Just wanted to say, you are creating the ATYD of the Azriel x Reader tag. Keep at it 😋’

UM? I’m so sorry, I treasure you dearly but I actually physically cannot accept that compliment. I’m not a Harry potter girl—I had to look up what atyd stands for—but the fact it has pages written about it?? That feels like an iconic piece of fandom history and as much as I love cbmthy, and even if I haven’t personally read All The Young Dudes, I cannot allow them to be compared 😭 atyd sounds like it is miles and miles above anything I’ve written or ever will write, but I’m so incredibly flattered that it even crossed your mind to form a compliment like that ☹️🫂🫂

[tireddovahkiin]

Since I'm obsessed with Sephizilia lately, here, have some ship dynamics that are these two while I ACTUALLY make a drawing of Tsizilia already💀

SHIT TON OF ANGST. Like a lot. Both had such massive trauma that healing feels WRONG for them. But they're trying.

Sephiroth is the calm, sly and sarcastic who teases a lot of the two, while Tsizilia is the tired, serious and dry resting bitch face of the two. Tsizilia has a secret soft spot, where she is sometimes flirty, and a bit more energetic than usual. They both hide their fears and insecurities behind their personalities, where Sephiroth fakes confidence, and Tsizilia fakes toughness.

DEPRESSION™ I TELL YOU.

Tsizilia is the one who doesn't care about her well being that, and Sephiroth hates it💀

(They're literally that one meme: "You're the love of my life and I would do anything for you." "I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule." "Absolutely not.") <<< what they actually argue about... such children

SARCASM. SARCASM 24/7. (Except Tsizilia rarely can recognize it when Sephiroth uses it LMFAOOOO-)

Sephiroth and Tsizilia both were unwanted and abandoned in their young years. They both didn't have childhood. So, their copings are different. Sephiroth thinks he doesn't deserve things, and pushes people away, but that is just because he is scared people will leave him, like they always do. He doesn't want to get attached.

Tsizilia however, she is a people pleaser to those she loves and holds close. She is also afraid people will leave her, but instead of pushing away, she will blame herself. She refuses to leave people, because of her SAME fear of abandonment. Tsizilia acts tough, but is actually ready to plead if someone she loves was to leave her.

Once turned evil, they both pledged to each other, that there was no leaving. They will ALWAYS be together against everything. And nothing will make them fall apart.

The two WILL burn the worlds for each other without hesitation.

...

Also, they're like both badass and serve cunt and hot and powerful af and YUHHHHH-

Both introverts. In public, Tsizilia looks like she's ready to commit arson at any moment. Sephiroth reassures that is how her face looks normally when outside (she hates socializing).

BOTH TOUCH STARVED AF. But, Sephiroth is touch repulsed at first. Tsizilia waits. Patiently. She will wait as much as he needs to open up. Sephiroth, too.

Tsizilia is the one who hides her 'true self' the most. What she likes, what she hates, not allowing herself to relax out of fear of judgement/using the vulnerabillity against her. Sephiroth also waits. Encourages her. Reassures her.

They're both very fucked up, closed off, wounded. But, through time, and the help from both of them, they'll learn to heal, open up, and love to the full, full capacity.

(YALL IM SO SORRY I GOT CAUGHT OFF GUARD WITH THE RANT- I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH, I ADORE THEM, IM SO HOPELESSLY ENAMORED BY THEM AND THEIR EXISTENCE-)

[femshinji]

i don’t know what is wrong with me

me and my mom constantly get into fights over dumb shit, but it mostly comes down to one thing: i can’t show my emotions like a normal fucking human being.

im a completely different person at school/with friends. idk why but i basically have two personalities: one is really extroverted and doesn’t give a fuck about anything and the other one is tired 24/7 and thats basically it lol. i don’t show what i feel unless that emotion is completely consuming me, so when im at home (aka i just don’t try so fucking hard to be someone im not), i don’t show any emotions and lay in bed all of the time. it’s not like i don’t do anything, i have really good grades and try to not cause any problems, but oh my fucking god how annoying my mom is about it

when we argue, my mom’s main argument is the fact that “she had depression too”, and that might be really fucking selfless of me, but i don’t fucking believe her. i think she just grieved or had a harder time, but definitely wasn’t depressed. if she was, she would’ve understood how i feel.

also oh my god how weird she acts sometimes. one day she says she’s so proud of me and the other she talks about how she thinks i’m a spoiled brat. we’re friends, then she yells that she would’ve been happier if i wouldn’t come home. i feel like if i had a failed attempt at suicide, she would’ve just said that i’m overreacting and she’d take my phone away lol, but if i would’ve actually succeeded, she’d FINALLY be sad that she said shit like that to me

what would someone reasonable do in this situation?? therapy. the thing is, we talked about it. i am on antidepressants since my mom took me to a psychiatrist, and even the psychiatrist said that i might need therapy, but my mom said that i don’t act like i need it and that she spent lots of money on me already, and that she doesn’t have a money tree etcetc

idk i just wish i wasn’t such a bitch and would finally kill myself. this would solve all of my problems.

this post is so grammatically incorrect lmao please ignore it, i just had to get it out

[stayxlix]

AYY MOOTERS ON MOOTERS THEY KNOW HOW TO MOOT! TUTTER PULLING TO THE PARTY IN MY CRAZY PINK WIG!!!! BEST WRITER? BEST WRITER? BEEN A FAN SINCE PART ONE!

I was getting beaten to lunacy, depression, delusion, confusion even. I got the 1st grade knowledge beat out of me with this one, i couldnt count for a sec. My vision got all blurry, thought this was chapter 17 for a minute there👹

Bitch, out the gate you be coming in HARD. You know how to set the mood, I get scared for their asses! It feels like being on drugs or something (though i aint never been on drugs, but this is how i imagine it feels like👀) I visualize like I ain't ever visualized before, put on some music reading this at night, DAYUM🛐‼️

I reread this tasty ass story atleast once every week. It's tradition at this point.

1."The physical contact was grounding—you were grounding. A lifeline anchoring Felix to the reality he so desperately needed to return to." This fucked me up😪 So beautifully written!

2. "How he'd transformed from someone potentially willing to end your life, to someone committed to protecting it at all costs." Had to pause, take a breather, and look out my window to reflect on who I am as a person, then keep reading. Absolutely Precious.

3. "Some day," he dropped his voice, "When all of this is over, I'm going to carry you back into that palace." His lips found the curve of your jaw, trailing a heated path down. "I'm going to take my time with you, princess," he nipped at the sensitive skin on your neck, causing your core to flutter with anticipation. "And then," he whispered, "I'm going to lay the world at your feet." I was hyperventilating baby I couldn't breath for shit reading this 👀

4. "Minho sighed in annoyance, as if holding a conversation with you was some sort of burden. “I didn’t want to discuss it with the others,” he snapped." TIRED, TIRED OF THE WAY HE TREATS ME. (Jk lol I get his stress but chill out, damn.)

5. "You were always mine," Felix breathed, "before we met, before all of this, you were never their princess," he leaned in, pressing his lips to your forehead. "You were always mine.” I had to stop reading and get some water, my throat dried out.

6.“You can’t,” Felix emphasized. A distant look clouded his eyes, a flash of whatever it was that had crossed his features after the nightmare seemed to resurface. “You grew up with servants to meet your needs while the rest of us bled for every scrap of food and warmth. You can’t understand, y/n. And even if you could, it won't change who I am or what I've done. The blood on my hands will never wash away.” This is where the problem occurs. Cuz what are you implying? You ate this part so much you gotta be locked away like that one song. 🗣 IM LOCKED UP THEY WONT OUT, THEY WONT LET ME OUT IM LOCKED UP🗣

7. "Go collect your friend," the man waved a hand at the door, "I will shelter you for the night. You're young, exhausted, and it looks like you've been through quite a lot." I LOVE HIM ALREADY DAMMIT

8. You knew this would not last forever with him. Nothing ever does. And you wondered if you will ever be able to accept that, even when you no longer have a choice. But in that moment, Felix was there. You extended a hand, and he was warm. He was real, and he felt more like home than anything ever had. You loved him too, and it was a feeling you did not dare let go." MY HEART! RIPPED OUT MY CHEST! I CANT BREATH! IM SOBBING!IM DEVASTATED.

IM FEELING LIKE IM ON THE LAST BITE OF MAC AND CHEESE ON THANKSGIVING, IM GUTTED, I DONT WANT IT TO BE OVER!!

But as always, let me calm down and get a lil sensitive. I love you my pookie bear❤️✨️

Your adding some good into my world with this story that i really need. Its like the same day everyday for me, then out of the blue, you pop up and you give me something to look forward to.

Like most people, there's lots of things I need to be distracted from, and you do just that for awhile❤️ I appreciate this lil story more then you could know, and I always get SO happy seeing you posted a new chapter. I can tell how much passion and effort you put into this story, and I applaud you for that🫶❤️ Take your time, take care of yourself, and feel no pressure on when you need to put a new chapter out, YOU should always come first❤️ -👹

hihi my spicy little👹💕once again, i truly have no words for how thoughtful and sweet all of this is. im so grateful to have you with me on this journey (since part one, day ONE) and im so glad its been able to keep your interest after all these months.<3

"got the 1st grade knowledge beat out of me" literally had me CACKLING please!!😭✋ your excitement and the photos you send (which are hilarious too btw) always have me grinning from ear to ear. i swear my favorite part of reading feedback from you is that i will NEVER be able to predict whats coming next.😂 seriously though, im so glad youve been able to immerse yourself in the story like this (if we're being honest i definitely lose touch with reality a little bit when i get lost in writing it lol) but im so touched that it could evoke such a response in you too. (ps "i reread this tasty ass story atleast once every week. It's tradition at this point" might just be one of my favorite compliments ive EVER received about my writing. this is literally one of the nicest things you can tell someone who writes imo🥹).

MY HEART! RIPPED OUT MY CHEST! I CANT BREATH! IM SOBBING!IM DEVASTATED

(okay but why is this literally me reading any of your asks) this was also one of the most fun parts of the chapter to write omg. i love writing the end of a chapter so much that sometimes its the first thing i do.🤭

the detailed journey through each little part of the story that you go through in your asks always leaves me on cloud nine.!!! i love this so so much, i swear it does not get any better than when someone quotes the story back to me.<33 so thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to share your thoughts on these specific moments. i loved reading every. single. one.💕

Had to pause, take a breather, and look out my window to reflect on who I am as a person I was hyperventilating baby I couldn't breath for shit reading this 👀 I had to stop reading and get some water, my throat dried out.

(also btw if it makes you feel any better i had a similar reaction to ALL of these after i typed them out. felix really does things to me, i probably need an intervention or some shit but here we are.🥹)

knowing that this story adds a touch of goodness to your world means more to me than i can ever express. :( im sorry to hear that you’ve got some challenges to face, but like you said i know we all do from time to time, so im just forever grateful that my writing can provide a little distraction for you in the midst of the everyday chaos.<3 (ps. if things ever get too rough, you know where to find me!!❤️)

okay okay i’m cutting myself off here, but i really do appreciate the little reminders to take my time and prioritize self-care too.<3 the way you express yourself is so unique, please never change. i love that you’re as insane and unhinged about this story as i am.🥹 as always thank you so much for the continued support, it is more appreciated than you could ever know.🤗💕

[thestarsofpines]

okay depression time. rant and possibly triggering stuff ahead

i see all this amazing art of hijack and vld and all i think of is how i feel my art has stagnated over the years, especially after graduation from college. i try hard to turn that jealousy into inspiration but fuck it’s hard. especially seeing how young some of these amazing artists are and it just makes me feel…like ive missed my time, i guess. im so proud of these artists, but jealousy is a bitch and i wish i could fully eradicate it from my being

jealousy makes me feel gross.

i know i need to just, keep drawing but it’s hard too, i guess i’m in an art block because very few of my sketches i even want to try and finish. and those that i do i don’t like the end product, so it feels like a waste but i know it’s not!! i know it’s productive to keep drawing and practicing but…i don’t know. i don’t know what to do to make myself happy with my art. practice yes obviously but i feel like i want to draw in so many different ways and do different things and try stuff way above my skill level

i’m just tired, man. like, of life in general. job searching is hell, student loans start up soon and without a source of income outside of unemployment im so stressed about that. i’m switching doctors for my mental health stuff because i’m on six different meds and none are really helping enough to the point that i don’t want to not exist. like, i don’t actively want to kill myself, but i also don’t want to be here, existing as i am. and that scares me to admit, obviously. i’ve stopped cutting but i still scratch and hit myself when i get overwhelmed with emotion, and don’t even get me started on my perception of myself. i hate how much weight i’ve gained and how little i’m motivated to change my habits to combat it. i want to be healthy but i don’t have the energy to put in the work to make my lifestyle better.

this got way off topic and honestly made me upset but i guess it’s better than bottling it up. my dad is here for one more day before he flies back to ohio and part of me wants him to stay because he helps me keep on track with job searching and eating regular meals and not sleeping all morning. but i know he needs to go back home to my mom and that i need to be a damn adult and do this shit on my own. i’m 26 for fucks sake. but here i am back on tumblr like i was when i was 16.

…at least now i can drive. i got over that fear out of pure necessity by making myself move multiple states away for a job i wasn’t even in love with. so like, i know i can overcome shit, i don’t know how looking back to be honest. i feel like i need a kick like that again but i don’t think i’m mentally stable enough for that.

fuck this just made me feel worse. mostly. ugh.

[ozlices]

really fucking sucks that it does not matter how openly we cry about how fucked up we are after everything this year has put us through, we are just. ignored. like. we're very open about having abandonment issues & a burden complex, but nobody gives a fuck abt ensuring that isn't. you know. constantly fueled in the aftermath of all the shit this year put us through.

we haven't suffered in silence. quite the opposite. but we're literally just. ignored. & left to rot. no matter how transparent we are abt how badly we're doing. & it sucks. like it's getting to a point where we're genuinely starting to get apathetic towards our friends & we don't fucking care to fight it off anymore.

if my friends were posting the kinda shit we do during our meltdowns, id be rushing to call them as soon as i could. maybe im just different. maybe im just a dumbass for caring so goddamn much! cause jfc it clearly isn't mutual no matter what!

how am i supposed to fight off my persecutor telling me nobody fucking loves me bc i don't deserve it when i can beg for somebody to lend their hand to me, & all i get is silence.

we haven't been checked up on. anyone we used to talk to daily has just decided we're too depressing or whatever to be around, i guess. like. idk what anyone wants from us anymore. i really fucking don't. all we want is to have somebody give a shit abt us & fucking MEAN it. actually be there for us. actually take care of us the same way we take care of everybody else.

but nah nah instead we're just. having our complexes fueled. our persecutor's ammo refilled, meanwhile we're left with nothing. absolutely fucking nothing.

the best relationship of our lives couldn't even last longer than a month & no matter what, we can't fight being made to feel like we just weren't worth keeping around.

we've never escaped being "too depressed to handle" as our token in a friend group, but like. idk. maybe if we weren't made to constantly feel so fucking alone & like nobody genuinely gives a shit abt us, we'd be able to At Least cope a bit better.

idek what to do or say anymore. like our persecutor gets on our ass for saying "nobody cares" like "oh well you're just being manipulative & fishing." bitch i GENUINELY fucking feel like nobody fucking cares about me & not a single goddamn person has tried to significantly fight that notion to any genuine degree.

it'll be fought with filler words in the moment, but again. nobody checks on us. nobody just randomly tells us they love us and care about us. nobody does the little things we've always done for our loved ones we know are going through rough times. even if we directly tell people it helps. so, what the fuck else am i sposed to say or think.

im tired of feeling like this. im tired of being lonely, and unloved, and uncared for, and like it's all fucking pointless. im tired.

i just feel like we're just forgotten about until we're needed. but when we are the ones who need someone else to help us? well, we can just fucking rot, then. i guess. we're just an annoying burden who's too depressing to be around. not worth any genuine effort. and we cannot keep fighting that notion when nobody gives a shit to stand with us against it.

[uzihell]

this tweet so awful to me i know its a silly joke but im not even american and school makes me want to shoot myself the education system is fucked everywhere and my country is trying to be more like America so I guess it fucking counts. Here they yell at you if they dont have enough patience with you and they call you names and everyone just allows it because OH YOUR TEACHER IS JUST TIRED why am i being treated like trash for understanding less than the others why is a teacher screaming at a girl just for sitting in a different way why are they being petty and calling out someone just for doing worse than others isnt that fucking awful arent you more mature than us could you not teach us with patience could you be more respectful

Then theres the fact teachers here are agaisnt mentally ill kids and/or disabled kids and will fucking throw insults at you thinking you won't notice

Like this isnt just one teacher, a principal and a tutor have told me i was just lazy and i needed to put more effort into school when i was literally breaking down at school and missing it because i was too depressed to go out and trying to kill myself

And the HOMEWORK, they expect you to ditch a social life when at this age if you don't have one you get called about every name. You have other stuff apart from school? Nope, do like 10 pages of homework

If you fail a class , ATLEAST where i live, if you pass the grade, you HAVE to do that class again, like the same shit you failed to do. And what if that class causes you emotional distress? They DON'T care, they'll expect you to act mature despite being in distress

By this point you're probably asking holy shit gurl why dont you talk to your guidance counselor. Hmm i wonder hmm 🤔 hmmm 🤔 OH MAYBE BECAUSE THEY MADE ME GO DOWN AND UP 7 STAIRS WITH A SEVERE ANKLE INJURY " oh shes just crying because the fall was scary " no bitch my ankle was so swelled or whatever that it looked comical you will never know what its like to cry with a Plaster on your leg while you try to get yourself up two sets of stairs with your arms and an adult yells at you. Worst of all they still wanted me to go to school ??? With the plaster on??? They also give weird petty comments to kids. Like yeah that girl is problematic but maybe dont call her a whore

Anyways school is evil and if you say it was good you either did nothing at school or you were privileged

[schreie]

thats it i need to refocus. idont need either dick from that autistic guy who doesnt know how to be smooth& flirty OR guy who is fun but ultimately dgaf abt me or is good in bed (which is related). i need to lose weight& get fit& establish a healthy lifestyle!!! & focus on ME!!!! no more ordering food like fr even when im hungover or depressive i should be able to at leasr buy smth at the supermarket i can make quickly. im a good cook!! i finally need to get that workout routine down. i need to stretch evveryday my body feels like shit. how do i have hours to scroll on my phone & watch tv but not at least TEN minutes each day to stretch?? come on doesnt matter how tired i can stretch for 10 fucking minutes even on a busy or sad or stressful day. it fucking helps idiot… when i manage that i should work towards doing yoga & building muscle at least 4-5 times a week. & get back totaking long ass walks on the weekend. get my steps up!! i got lost in the sauce again those last few weeks but icant keep going like this. im finally ready to admit im a lazy brat& i cant keep making excuses bcos of trauma& mental illness. it aint getting better when im not even able to do those little acts of selfcare that is preparing fresh food& stretching everyday. theres no point starving myself either bcos it will only make me bad at my job which will stress me& ill be even more tired & most importantly i will gain all the weight back like i did last time. idont wanna be miss ana i wanna be healthy… i wanna take care of myself. nobody else will!!! i need to start taking ritalin everyday to balance out my energy during the day& to curb my appetite since stress& boredom make me binge food like crazy. whats keeping from that?! maybe i should consider doing the unthinkable & buying decaf bcos thats rly the thing keeping me from taking my dumb meds which actually help me everyday. i just love coffee too much& it doesnt work well with the ritalin. plus ion even need to worry abt sleep bcos i got these awesome sleeping pills. idont even need to smoke weed to fall asleep so why cant i cut it out more often? bcos i got too little energy to do anything after work. might as well smoke. also i get angry sad & irritated whenever idont smoke for 2-3 days. well maybe if i didnt smoke everyday& took my ritalin & sleeping pills i would have more energy so i can cook& do yoga or go to the gym in the evening instead of rotting in front of the tv until its time for bed… at least every other evening. if i would abstain from weed even every other day that would make a huge difference already& maybe from there i could reduce even more. & i need to quit drinking by myself. again!!! or more than once or twice a week honestly. at least until they invent calorie free alcohol lol! dont even get me started on how little i draw & read & do all the other creative& important things that matter to me. ugh how will i ever get back into voluntary work & activism if i cant even manage to cook& stretch for myself?! how am i supposed to help others when im failing myself this badly?! yeah shit has happened& its not fair. yes im suffering. but im only making it worse by refusing to discipline myself& control my impulses. well bitch guess what!!! changing ur life means changing ur habits & that takes a lot of effort & discomfort at first. ofc nothing will change if i buckle at the first inconvenience or bad feeling. i need to learn to endure uncomfortable feelings. its a part of life& i cant be reaching for substances at the smallest inconvenience for the rest of my life. its been a catastrophe for me that ive gone from i wanna kill myself to i wanna die. now im not planning my suicide but i live in a way that is slowly killing me so i dont get old. i still dont wanna get old & thats cool im gonna take that step eventually but how abt taking care of myself better until then???? death will come soon enough

[socksual-innuendos]

Depression is a fuckin hell of a drug. It makes you feel so fucking pathetic on top of the fact that youre struggling to find a reason to keep going.

It also sucks because im like an inept little animal, I get the ball rolling on shit I actually have to do, my mood either boosts or Im able to put on a game face while hauling through it and no one notices. So its like. Yeah youre "able" to do it but now your energy is spent and now youre exhausted on top of Big Sads.

But youre able to do shit for other people and not yourself. Amaaazing.

Need to meal prep for work so you can save money? Need to keep the house clean? Need to switch the tailight out on your car so you aint get pulled over? Need to organize your shitty room for the upteenth time? Nah. We're exhausted and frozen and sad. Its also too many steps.

Someone asks if youre free to help them with yard work? To save them from the side of the road? To move? All the energy in the world to drag ass up and move.

But wait, that shit is stressful too (unless its spur of the moment and tou get a rush of energy)

Im aiding in helping host a bridal shower. Im aiding in organizing a bach party soon. Im having to go watch my grandmother out of town for a week.

I can do these things easy peasey. Why does the thought of it stress me tf out and get me frustrated.

"Im tired of being relied on! I need to focus on myself!"

I cant fucking focus on myself because when left alone i sit and rot, and the "helping myself" I actually an doing requires me to wait for meds to kick in and pretend I have therapy goals right now when Im fighting for my life on what can actually be shit to work on myself about vs what part is me being a little bitch and not getting up.

Which that is probably gonna be the ice breaker for this new therapist .... . . .. ......

[dancedance-resolution]

low punctuation posting

i don’t know what’s wrong with me, maybe burn out??? bc i’m filling my life with seratonin boosting activities but i feel fucking done and angry all the time and it’s not the pmdd i literally felt like through through my period and the week after now so like What Is It. i think it’s been going on since the beginning of the month, maybe longer but i only let myself acknowledge and notice it recently. HMM. ugh it’s frustrating im not supposed to be depressed i was doing so well for so long what the fuck is going on!!! do i need to up my meds dose bc i don’t know if i want to risk the side effects getting worse again also idk i kind of don’t want to im too tired for this shit that’s why this is all so frustrating i mean im posting like it’s past my bedtime but im well rested and it’s a reasonable hour and on paper i had a great day so like bitch WHAT. WHY. UGH.

i don’t know what i’d be burnt out from though i barely spend much time on school work im only at work work 20ish hours a week and it’s been going well and easy and ive been doing fun things but also leaving myself enough time to rest and waste time on youtube and tumblr so like AGAIN. WHAT. i just want to stop feeling like shit for no good reason and my brain is like well find the reason and fix it but i can’t find it that’s the issue which is so frustrating bc it’s pride month and i want to take advantage of the time i have and savor it etc etc and it’s not even like im putting a ton of pressure on myself for that either yk so ugh idk

i’m also afraid of being straight which is hilarious but also depressing and indicative of larger issues i suppose but im pretty sure unrelated to the shitty mood or at the very least not its cause

i need to do something very stimulating like bust my ear drum or get a super painful tattoo or scrape my knee and run my fingers over the scabs i think or a go in a cold pool ugh FUCK FUCK FUCK

[epaily]

long post talking about being depressed read at your own detriment

god ok i dick around and joke as much as the next person but holy FUCK i cant stand being mentally ill. i know you see all the time how it weighs you down without even knowing but i brush it off all the time and now im sitting here and its hitting me that this is point blank ruining my life. i think im being watched everywhere i go no matter what i do to the point where being out in an open space or talking to the wrong person gives me a panic/anxiety attack, i have a 24/7 non stop constant stream of self deprecation that talks me out of doing anything, and the things i do do i dont try on even if i need to because whats the point right. im so passively suicidal that i cant go 10 minutes without thinking that im worthless and that i should die, every day i wake up and im miserable from the moment i get out of bed to the moment i get in. i hate myself so viscerally that i cant even fathom a positive thing about myself. im so stupid and full of shit-for-brains i cant ever focus on something and i forgetthe most menial and basic things. i have to copy off of everyone because im so incapable of doing things alone and i cant even do things alone if i wanted to because i have aforementioned debillitating anxiety and the anxiety and everything else makes me WEIRD so i have no friends! and im weird because im suicidal and offputting! god its all a big fucking feedback loop how am i ever supposed to get out of this. it gets worse every day. it all stacks up. the only exit i can fathom, the only exit i HAVE been able to fathom for years is just stopping dead and offing myself and see there i go again. it would be so easy. i have no friends and my parents are terrible people and my cat is dead so whats the fucking point. nothing will get better. nothing HAS gotten better. i cant go to therapy or else i'll be institutionalized and i'll never see the sun again. i cant stomach human people and i dont know if what is in front of me is real half the time. im lonely my parents are awful i have no where else to go. i have no one to bitch at except this stupid little tumblr blog i have no support. if i hadnt sworn off cutting i would be doing so every single night. i am tired. i am so unbelievably fucking tired. why cant i be normal. why am i the only one in my vicinity who doesnt have their shit together. i wish i was normal. if i could take out even just one thing i might be able to get it together. i dont even really pretend im fine anymore. i can say that i am suicidal and no one bats an eye. i have to get a car and a real liscence for my career job and then the chance of me killing myself goes way tf up because then i can just drive my car into a building whenever i want. and god a fuckin. career job!! im a hack!!! i am 10 days away from finishing uni and everyone else is better then me. i dont know shit. i dont know the most basic prinicples no matter how much i study. im too soft. i hsve no skill. im never gonna make it. and maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i was good at or passionate about anything else but nah im so fucking spent im not GOOD AT or INTERESTED in ANYTHING because i JUST WANT TO BE DEAD. every single day of my life i wish i had tried harder to kill myself when i was 14. i should stop typing this out.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i had a bad dream and it was a bad dream because it really wasnt that bad

it was about brian, he came back to me again and i. was mad but he owned up to his mistakes and he missed the attention i gave him and i missed giving it and i fucking went back to him and i felt butterflies and. i lingered too long, i wanted to stay

it makes me so SICK no matter how far i denounce him, it doesnt matter if i never think of him much, my brain cant let him go for some reason. why do you miss that? i was so miserable, i was being used. he ADMITTED that he didnt want me to be happy with anyone else and that he wouldnt try to make me happy at all so?

why do i still feel like i want him? its so hard to shake.. i do want him. i really dont, but i miss the attention, even if it was nothing at all. even if the closest thing i could get to any kind of affection was an "aw" when i was sad, i wouldve PUT UP WITH IT for him. i told him that, i told him i would deal with it if he could just.. sincerely apologize to me. for yknow. sexting a teenager!! but he didnt. he wouldnt. he said he couldnt apologize if he didnt mean it

my head still tries to make little fantasy scenarios with him, where everything turned out well and he could change and we could. what??? be happy together? yeah right. he didnt like you fat, didnt like you as a man and only entertained it longer cuz even if yr a man, you still have a cunt and thats what he wanted. annoying as fuck

i just wish i could let it go!!!!! why do i dream about him? and why are they good dreams? dreams that make me wake up with this sense of yearning, something i REALLY need to kill right away like. as fast as possible

im not going back to him i never ever will im . ive never been happier!!! when i left it felt like the end of the world and i was so depressed but ive NEVER FELT BETTER. i have people who actually love me now

and also??? he always pulled this shit talking about how i was a problem for him too, bitch?????? i was 16, you were talking to a 16 yr old with undiagnosed bpd of course im not gonna act RATIONALLY im fucking scared!!!! i was so scared!!! that first night when we met and like. 10 minutes after asking me how old i was it got sexual like IMMEDIATELY and it. felt nice but i was still scared. he doesnt even REMEMBER that conversation, but its burned into my brain. if you want a mature partner then maybe talk to an adult 🥳

i miss the attention, yes, but i dont miss how it made me feel. i dont miss the way it made my guts turn, made me shake. makes me shake just thinking about it. its the same reason i panic on fucking GRINDR, having people interested in me in that way is scary, it reminds me of him. i? i dont know.. its like whenever i get into sexual situations if its not approached gently i get SCARED, scared as if i was a kid again. it wasnt just him, after all. i wish i could just.. grow up? i wish that i didnt get so scared but i know its not my fault, i know that. whatever happened to me, i should have been PROTECTED. i shouldve been safe, but i wasnt

and it makes me so fucking angry? i never told anyone then because i knew that if i told my family, theyd blame me. and i LOVED him, i didnt want anything bad to happen to him, even if what he was doing was so horribly bad for me. i used to talk vaguely about him with my therapist and i started to frustrate her, thats why i dont go anymore. she would get frustrated because she didnt know what my problem is. I KNOW what my problem is, i just.. i was still talking to him, i was trying to approach it in a way that would protect him, even if he didnt deserve it

man. i hate being a tool for people, like genuinely. so tired of it.. yeah, tell me all about yr problems and ill be there to comfort you and listen. never ask about mine tho! never never never. you can ask me for nudes or pictures of my underwear, force me to roleplay with you even tho ive made it clear i dont really like it. ill do it to get you off! im so.

im glad i left. it was a good choice, he made me completely fucking miserable. very few times have i gone thru so much pain it literally forces me to dissociate from my body and view myself from above but! asking someone like that to apologize for uhh idk a crime? guess thats TOO FAR, tried sayin "erm well actually age of consent laws are higher in the us then a lot of countries ☝🤓" kill yourself!!!! like actually!!!!! im glad hes always miserable, i hope it never gets better for him ever

thats the worst part about it. is if it wasnt me, i would absolutely advocate for his death. because hes the kind of person i fucking despise, hes the absolute worst person to me. but i just.. i have a hard time extending that to him because he was awful to ME. he was mine and i used to love him!! i should hate him, and i do, i just wish it came as easy as hating any other predator

hated the way he acted when we argued tho, he tried gaslighting me before. you do not gaslight someone with bpd!!!!! cuz i fucking remember!! i read into everything anyone does extra of COURSE ill remember what happened. tried telling me i initiated it when i literally didnt cuz i knew better!!! i knew i shouldnt be talking to adults, but.. i did it anyways. that fucks me up a lot, it makes me blame myself. i knew i shouldnt, but the attention felt too nice, i didnt want to lose it and LOOK where it got me. permanently altered 🥳 nice job.

will NEVER let him blame me tho, cuz he started it. we separated like 4 times, and EACH TIME, he came back. am i that good? fuck if i know cuz it never felt like i was. probably missed getting his dick wet to our messages honestly. cuz when i was finally 18 he came back and immediately made it sexual again. im ashamed that i didnt stop him

i remember we argued because he thought i was irrational in thinking he would do bad things to me considering he literally told me before "so, consent doesnt matter between us, right?" ??????? im irrational for that?? do you even hear yrself? idk it just. pisses me off i hate him, i wish i could permanently kill the part of my brain that dreams of him fondly because it doesnt happen often but when it does it ruins my whole day

i just. i was too immature to be in a relationship with, but mature enough to be sexted every night? make it make sense!!!!! ik this is a lot, i just. need it off my chest so i can go back to normal. i wish it didnt affect me still but it does. i wish i could have fun!!!! wish i wasnt scared of getting sexual without randomly getting this intense sharp FEAR, fear that shoves me back and makes me run. i want to HEAL from this, i dont want to be like this anymore it fucking sucks. i feel like he ruined me. he'd roll his eyes at that