#im so fucking DONE crying for hours upon coming home

[emypony]

sighs

[hennyjwrites]

Rio trapping his wife again

Y’all already had 5 kids. All boys. You gave up a long time ago on having a little girl but Rio hadn’t. Your youngest was almost a year old and for some reason Rio thought that gave him the green light to have another.

“Christopher im gonna punch you if you don’t leave me alone.” You mumbled as he kissed on your neck. He had told you earlier that night. that he wanted to try for another baby. Your sons were spending the night with his grandma upon her request and that gave Rio the perfect opportunity.

“Gimme just one more.” He begged, sucking slightly on your sweet spot.

You tried to resist him, you really did. But a few more begs, traveling fingers, and a few more kisses, ended up with you fucking him. All night.

He was so good that by the end of the night, he had you begging for him to give you another baby.

That would end up being his routine. After you gave him the green light, He made sure to cum in at least once a day, to ensure he would get his daddy’s girl

A few months later, after getting sick every morning for over a week, and become nauseous to every smell, you went to the doctor. Even though you recognized the symptoms, surprise surprise! Your pregnant.

Of course Rio took care of you your entire pregnancy. Held your hair if you sick, massaged your feet, talked to the baby everyday. Only it wasn’t just him, it was all your sons too. They cared for you and their youngest sibling just like Rio did.

Rio felt this pregnancy was different. He just knew that you were having a baby girl. And boy was he right and wrong at the same time.

By the time you were 5 months you were as large as a house. You brought it up at your doctors appointment and weren’t you surprised.

“There’s baby number 1.” The doctor said showing you where the first baby sat. “And there’s baby number 2.” She moved the mouse over a little bit more. “And then there’s baby number 3!”

Both yours and Rios mouths dropped when she announced you were having triplets. The doctor asked did you want to know the genders and you and Rio both said yes.

“It seems that your having 3 identical girls!” Congratulations mom and dad!” The doctor cheered before giving you some privacy.

Rio stood and gave you the biggest hug and kiss in the world, with his eyes filled with tears. “You heard that beautiful? Three little girls.” He held you for what seemed like eternity in joy.

When you got home and announced it to your sons, the amount of joy that was through the house could blow the roof off. All throughout your pregnancy they all helped you pick out clothes, shoes, and toys all for their little sisters

3 months later and you went into early labor. Your labor lasted for 32 hours, with you screaming, crying, and even staying calm at some point. When you were finally able to push it took around 30 minutes to get each baby out.

Rio stood next to the bed holding his first daughter, on his right and his second daughter in his left. You held your third daughter from the bed. They looked more like you than him. They had the perfect shade of brown with your beautiful eyes, but they took his nose. Each girl was born with a head full of hair.

He couldn’t wait until they started to develop into their own person. He wanted to see would they take after you or him. It was his favorite parts of watching his babies grow up.

“Thank you.” Rio whispered. “You gave me 3 more beautiful kids. I love you more than you’ll ever know baby.” He leaned down and kissed your lips. When he pulled back he bit his lip. “2 more and we’re done.” He laughed, hoping you would agree.

You scoffed, before looking at your babies. “These 3 are going to run you down, not even including the other 5. your not gonna want anymore.”

You both laughed and waited for your sons to come and meet their new baby sisters.

[slutty-transformation-stories]

Corrupt Girlfriend part 6

Day 5

You wake up and look around for Ashley. You find her on her phone again.

you know your girlfriend is a whore, you're excited to check the cameras you installed to see what else she does when your gone.

So you excitedly get ready for work kiss her good bye and then leave for work.

A while later you get a text

Hey babe, Im going to be busy for a couple of hours, so I won't be able to talk!

Damn, that's alright. I'll talk to you when I get home then!

Thank you for understanding i miss you!

I think it's time to check the cameras you smirk to yourself and make your way to the office toilets.

You open up the cameras on your phone and check the front door. You See a Man Enter your home.

You think he is her ex from that video,

Your girlfriend is in that dress you just got a picture of.

You check the bedroom camera

They are half undressed laying on your bed

She grabs hold of his cock and slowly starts stroking him

Shes treating him like royalty

She voluntarily moves down, kissing his tone body

Her head reaches to the level of his cock

She starts licking the head

Its not long until you watch her head start bobbing partly down his thick cock

She keeps going at at a perfect pace you can see her looking up for his reaction

You see, her ex starts to jerk his pelvis, slightly humping her mouth

Finally..

Shes not satisfied yet

He never seems to never lose an erection

She climbs on top of him

To get what she really wanted

never wearing a condom

She Makes his cock hit every place she wanted

He starts to help by thrusting into her as she grinds on him

You see her in extacy

They pick up the pace, yet again, he wraps his arm around her leg

Hes playing with her clit and penetrating her pussy roughly.

Shes Screeming But you can't hear any of it

She then starts to go crazy

shes cumming and shaking on him

She is stuck in an orgasm state for what she feels for over a minute until she falls over onto the bed, shivering.

You decide to finish work early, and you race home. Upon arrival.You Hear Loud Moaning From the bedroom.

"Muffled Crying*"

*muffled Speaking*

"YES YES YES, UGhhh,"

You slowly sneak up the stairs, making your way to your bedroom. You hear her crying from the doorway

"Oh my god, oh my god!"

"Who owns you?"

*smack*

"MmM, you do! You are the best! HMmmm"

You look through the crack in the door

Hes still fucking her like he did all day

Your girlfriend looks like shes in love. Her pussy is coated and filled with the cum he has shot in her all day

"OH god, im all yours, but I need you to hurry. My boyfriend is coming home soon."

"pft what a lucky man"

She turns around

"He is.. but so are you fuck me before its too late"

He wastes no time

He's pounding into her

Her cum fluid mix is dripping out of her pussy

"OH god, UHgh,"

"OH god, im cuming"

"Im not done."

He puts her on top of himself for one last fuck. Shes a whore..

"OH god, I love it. You're so good. Hhhh,"

"Im filling you up now!"

"Thank you so much, sir."

"Okay, let's go"

He exits the room first

"Hey man"

He bumps your shoulder and leaves

You look back for your girlfriend. although she knows your kinks. She has a slightly guilty look on her face.

"Hey baby.. I've been bad."

She starts to reveal what she has been doing all day

"Sorry, I got a little carried away."

"No its okay, I saw it all"

"We didn't have sex very long, but it was really good."

Why is she lying?

"No its okay but I think i need a turn now"

"Ugh, sorry, I'm all stretched out and in pain."

She gives you a smirk

"Why dont I tell you about the plans we have for tomorrow! I'll even help you with your problem."

"Yes ma'am"

She starts to stroke your cock over her cum filled panties

"Well.. as he was fucking me he told me That He showed my photos to his friend."

The thought of this stanger interested in your girlfriend excites you

Shes playing with you cock

"Oh, interesting.."

"I know, his friend wants to meet me. Im sure hes interested."

"Definitely."

"Luckily, my ex offered to introduce me"

She starts stroking you faster

She wispers in your ear

"Wouldnt that be fun baby"

You start to orgasm

She watches your cock trobbing against her underwear

She giggles

"I think thats a yes!"

You both clean up and then lay down to go to sleep

[bbina]

bbibbi… i’m going to cry… no… i’m actually tearing up 🥲 i can’t believe that btl is over now 😩 like… time goes so fast huh? i’ve never been this invested in an smau before, btl is just THAT smau 😭💗💗💗 nothing can EVER top it i’m telling you 😊 but fr, this smau is so beautiful, the characters, the plot, the chats, the angst, literally EVERYTHING 😩 i’m going to miss waiting for a new btl chapter to be released everyday ☹️ i’m going to miss reading the cuteness, the angst, the silliness, the lovey dovey-ness ☹️ i’m going to miss my silly boys and my silly girl silly-ing around together ☹️ i’m going to miss cute loser boy wonbin who’s just so in love with his girlfriend y/n ☹️ i’m going to miss pretty lover girl y/n who was kinda late to realising her feelings for wonbin ☹️ i’m going to miss snitch shotaro who snitched to the others that wonbin went to ulsan ☹️ i’m going to miss overprotective older brother eunseok who now has a GIRLFRIEND??? HELLO??? ☹️ i’m going to miss confused giant sungchan who was blamed by y/n for wonbin leaving her ☹️ i’m going to miss bubble boy seunghan who’s literally the president of the ynbin nation ☹️ i’m going to miss puffy hair sohee who’s a part of the ynbin nation and is just a cutie patootie ☹️ and i’m going to miss sir anton who SOME people tried to make second lead ☹️ fuck… I’M GOING TO MISS BTL SO MUCH 😩 okay but i can always just reread it so 🤭 i just want to be dramatic 😭 i can’t believe that i actually teared up… like… wtf??? bbibbi… THANK YOU for writing this AWESOME smau 😩 i love your cute, smart, big brain that is full of wonderful ideas SO MUCH 💗💗💗 believe me when i say this but btl is the first ever smau that i fell in love with 😘 everything about btl was so homely and comforting, i felt so much at ease whenever i used to read the chapters 😩 AND i remember ranting to my cousin when ynbin had that HUGE fallout 😭 babe you had me stressing and shit 😩 and i’m so happy with the amount of LOVE and APPRECIATION that btl has received 🥰 #DESERVED 💗💗💗 reading other anons asks about btl made me so giddy and happy 😊 the highlights of this journey HAS to be ynbin’s CRAZY fallout and the ynton shippers 😩 WHERE DID THE YNTON SHIPPERS COME FROM??? they just spawned out of nowhere 😭 the b in btl stands for BEST and i��m 100% sure that other anons will agree with me 😊 i’m actually going to reread it… LIKE I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT IT’S OVER NOW??? WTF??? heart: broken 💔💔💔 soul: shattered 💔💔💔 bbibbi 😭 i’m actually going crazy… 😐 btl ending means that seunghan’s going to come back 😊 idk what i’m saying i’m just rambling now 😩 btl… btl… BTL… ☹️ okay but the one year skip fucking caused my heart to palpitate 😭 UGH 😩 i love you btl 💗💗💗 SO MUCH 💗💗💗 FOREVER 💗💗💗 AND ALWAYS 💗💗💗

- 🦌

i jus realized bbibbi is an iu song lmfao ANYWAY-

it's been over 12 hours and i still can't believe its over :( i miss them already 😔 ive been answering asks and i was like "fuck im gonna update again" BUT WHATS THERE TO UPDATE CHAT 💔 not too sure about anything can top it... im lowkey liking the plot of wb's second smau thats in the works.. not gonna say much cus its not done yet 🫣

mane im already missing backstreet boys dumb shenanigans mixed with wonbin's loser self yearning for yn to like him back bc shes a dummy!! remember when eunseok had to literally knock some sense into her ass.. sigh they were so cute and funny... esp when the boys took it upon themselves to fight the devil (ynbin) themselves like get u friends who bridge you to the person who's right for u!!!

u guys do tell me that u guys feel like ur literally part of the friend group 😭 thats honestly kinda cute... means i nailed what its like to be with friends *sigh* LMFAO

the ynbin breakup will still continue to haunt yall huh 😭 the way it got yall talking to ur irls about it (some anons mentioned they were talking abt it to their own friends LMFAOOOOOOOO) crazy ass plot..

THE LOVE BTL GETS IS SO HEARTWARMING I LOVE THAT YOU GUYS RLLY LOVE THIS FIC THE WAY I LOVE IT HUSDHSKHFSDJFHKSD will never get tired of saying that shit fr

NTM ON THE YNTON SHIPPERS LIKE WHERE DID U GUYS PULL THAT ONE OUT OF UR ASSES?????? there was fr a little anon group dedicated on sending asks about ynton becoming canon LIKE HUUUH ... the highlight for me was the poll 😭 maybe i'll do more plot polls more often just to see everyone spiral and think outside the box 😭

idk why i have a strong gut feel hani is coming around soon especially whats going down on the kpop world... KINGHAN COMEBACK 2024

the one year timeskip just to show that they've come a full circle teeheeeeee

thank you so much for reading bambi anon!!!! i rlly rlly rlly LOVED waiting for ur thoughts !! thank you sosososo much for always taking ur time of day to read and share!! <3 LUV YEW

[soupdeewoop]

favorite lines from "THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT"

your wife waters flowers, i want to kill her

All my mornings are monday stuck in an endless february

but you're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down the road

we're modern idiots

You smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate

i scratch your head, you fall asleep, like a tattooed golden retriever

sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me, but you told lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave

'cause it fit too right, puzzle pieces in the dead of night, I shouldve known it was a matter of time

'cause i knew too much, there was danger in the heat of my touch, he saw forever so he smashed it up

did you really beam me up?, in a cloud of sparkling dust, just to do experiments on, tell me I was the chosen one, showed me that this world is bigger than us, then sent me back where I came from

now im down bad crying at the gym, everything comes out teenage petulance, "fuck it if I cant have him", "I might just die, it would make no difference"

how dare you think its romantic, leaving me safe and stranded

my spine split from carrying us up to the hill, wet through my clothes, weary bones caught the chill

thinking how much sad did you think I had, did you think I had in me? oh the tragedy

i stopped cpr, after all its no use

two graves, one gun, ill find someone

you swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? i died on the alter waiting for the proof

i just learned these people try and save you 'cause they hate you

id rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitchin' and moanin', ill tell you something 'bout my good name, its mine along with all the disgrace, I don't cater to all these vipers dressed in empire's clothing

there's a lot of people in town that I bestow upon my fakest smiles

my friends tried, but i wouldn't hear it, watched me daily disappearing, for just one glimse of his smile

another summer, taking cover, rolling thunder, he doesnt understand me, splintered back in winter, silent dinners, bitter, he was with her in dreams

little did you know you home's really only a town youre just a guest in

florida, is one hell of a drug, florida, can I use you up?

little did you know your home's really only the town youll get arrested, so pack your life away just to wait out the shitstorm back in texas

i need to forget, so take me to florida, ive got some regrets, ill bury them in florida, tell me I'm despicable, say its unforgivable, at least the dolls are beautiful, fuck me up, florida

go on, fuck me up

this cage was once just fine, am i allowed to cry?

what if hes written "mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind?

these fatal fantasie given way to laboured breath taking all of me, weve already done in my head

what if the way you hold me is actually whats holy?

they dont know how youve haunted me so stunningly, i choose you and me, religiously

if you wanted me dead you shouldve just said

crash the party like a record crash as i scream, "whos afraid of little old me?", you should be

i wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me, you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

you caged me and then you called me crazy, i am what i am 'cause you trained me, so whos afraid of me?

they shake their heads saying, "god, help her" when i tell 'em hes my man

ill show you heaven if youll be an angel, all mine

whoa, maybe i cant

i thought i was better safe than starry-eyed

if you know it in one glimpse, its legendary, you and i go from one kiss to getting married

you shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles, i wish i could unrecall, how we almost had it all

youre the loss of my life

the lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night, i can show you lies

'cause im a real tough kid, i can handle my shit, they said "babe, you gotta fake it till you make it" and i did

lights, camera, bitch, smile, even when you wanna die

im so depressed, i act like its my birthday everday

'cause im miserable (haha), and nobody even knows, try and come for my job

and i dont even want you back, i just want to know, if rusting my sparking summer was the goal

you didnt measure up in any measure of a man

in fifty years will all this be declassifed?, and ill say, "good riddance"

i wouldve died for youre sins, instead i just died inside

so when i touch down, call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team

'cause the sign on your heart said its still reserved for me, honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?

he jokes that "its heroin, but this time with an E"

you look like clara bow

this town is fake but youre the real thing, breath of fresh ait through smoke rings

the crowd goes wild at her fingertip, half moon shine, a full eclipse

youre the new god were worshipping, promise to be dazzling

beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours demanding more

you look like taylor swift, in this light, were loving it, youve got edge, she never did, the futures bright, dazzling

[passionfruitmango]

Gonna do a vent post, thank you if you choose to read, I respect if you choose to keep scrolling! 💖

Oh my god today is so hard. Even finding the words to describe is embarrassingly hard.

Kinda broke down to my boss this morning. I don't know if I had a full mental break but I got really close. I want to say she heard me but I also have this feeling that until I'm screaming and crying my mental health isn't taken seriously.

I'm tired of consistently starting my week having to finish someone else's job before I can even start mine, so many of the previous shifts assigned job duties have become mine (because obviously your fryer won't heat up if the vents aren't fuckimg turned on, among countless other things) and I have been telling my boss for going on a year now where this coworker needs to be talked to about improvement. This person is the type to improve in one area and drastically reduce in another. Why do they still have a job genuinely? Because my boss is more worried about finding someone to replace them than writing them up for their mistakes. Boss is "scared they'll quit" LIKE FUCKING GOOD. PLEASE. LET THEM GO.

Any time the morning shift coworker does something theyre "supposed to" it's like they find a way to do it wrong enough that it makes more work for me. What has me fucked up is this coworker ASKED ME TO TEACH THEM WHAT I WANT LEFT FOR ME WHEN I COME IN, I TAUGHT THIS COWORKER, AND THEY BLATANTLY DISREGARDED MY TEACHING UPON DOING IT THEMSELF. so why waste my fucking time? Disrespectful as fuck.

I genuinely have gotten past the point of rage to full blown dissociating. It's either that or I'm crying as I'm trying to do my job.

Could I tolerate this all if I at least got some kind of positive reinforcement from someone with a title or even a teammate? Possibly.

Am I aware I deserve better than this job has me feeling? Gods yes but we all know when you live in a small town and have been working somewhere for eons, it's not exactly easy to find another job at the same base pay youre currently at.

Idk. Boss told me they'll take it upon themself to make sure everything is done but that's not the point. That's a band aid fix and I told them that (im also almost certain we had the same discussion 6 months ago and here I am again) If I come in tomorrow and have to deal with the same shit I've been dealing with for the last year? I'm just going home. I have hundreds of hours of sick time, im going to start using them when I'm sick of the shit I'm dealing with. Ffs im not getting a prize or even a happy team of coworkers by burning myself like this. "If I don't do it-who will" headass stupid fucking expression I used to gaslight myself into thinking this is okay

ITS FUCKING NOT OKAY. I'm stressed in my personal life and need change and the fact I've had to spell that shit out to my boss countless times??? Fuck outta here I could take a month off with solid sick time and still have enough left to do it for another month. Suck my ass im done being your bitch, figure out how to fix your store or figure out how to replace an employee that ACTUALLY does their job along with the one that doesnt!!!

I feel great having let that all out via text but im still struggling so fucking much. I just want to go home and sleep. And that's bad. I know I have things to do but I can't muster the energy because I'm using it all to fake normal through my work day. This isn't living. And I want to escape. All my old vices are begging me to come home. How do you tell your loved ones you're struggling when it's like they don't hear the words as they leave your mouth?

Genuinely. I feel like my mental health won't be taken seriously until I break. Why do I have to break first?

Buy a multivitamin, use the therapy light, keep on keeping on because everyone's fight is just as bad as mine. I'm just stuck in the dumps about it.

Do I need a friend? Or will they turn me into their shoulder to cry on when I ask if they'll be mine?

Editing to add other things on my mind that I'm only irritated about when I'm already feeling low:

Its been probably a month now since I paid someone for something I still haven't recieved? Like I understand life gets in the way and external circumstances, but telling me twice that I'll be getting tracking the next day and both times I've not gotten tracking? Atp just ask if I want my money back, honestly willing to cut my losses because the person I paid has gifted me shit for the same amount I'm currently out, I'm just feeling awkward and having trauma triggered because I've already asked what's up twice. And I'm pretty sure my reply from last time is still unopened and unread. :/

On the same topic, different person I paid, commissioned some art and it's also been multiple months with no updates. I reached out to their business page thinking it was something on my end I forgot to get to, yeah they have also not checked their business page. Again, I respect life happens. But a little communication would be DIVINE. Another situation where I will most likely be cutting my losses because I have learned not to spend/give more money than you're willing to lose. But im still irritated about it.

[movedtoeskew]

taking a bit of a break from King (im currently on night shift), read two of the most random novels

the push (ashley audrain): starts out promising, an examination of how people can end up passing down unaddressed trauma to their children, develops into a sort of gone girl for wasp soccer moms but ends with an absolutely, unsalvageably evil and mean conclusion

the narrator/main character comes from a lineage of women who had motherhood basically forced on them and were left to their own devices to tackle the arduous task of raising a child they basically resent for existing, for which they end up basically punishing said child.

the main character's fiance/later husband, while showing some support and understanding, comes from a very different background (an extremely wholesome and functional family), doesn't actually realize how the childhood abuse she suffered continues to affect her (she doesn't want to talk about it and he is content to let the subject lie). he pressures her into having a baby but, although during the pregnancy she kind of psychs herself into being enthusiastic about it, after her daughter is born, it all comes crashing down. she feels like the baby (!) hates her and she resents her husband for fucking off to work and leaving her home alone with her. she thinks the baby is scheming against her and annoying and even hurting her on purpose (it's a baby it can't do that) for which her retaliation ranges from small acts of pettiness to basically leaving her to cry alone for hours while she works on her writing. their animosity only deepens through the years, culminating in her second child (a baby boy whom she adores) dying in a horrific road accident for which she believes her daughter is directly, intentionally, responsible.

this would be all well and good, a psychological horror story with an unreliable narrator, we've seen it, it could have been an interesting albeit not groundbreaking read.

IF the author didn't feel the need to tack on 1. a direct confession from the daughter that she did indeed push her baby brother's stroller into oncoming traffic and 2. a distressed call from her husband's second wife that all but explicitly says that the daughter has killed or at least severely injured her new baby brother. this basically severs the thread of trauma connecting the previous 3 generations (it wasn't the main character who inflicted her own trauma onto her daughter that resulted in her behavioral problems -- she was born evil), absolves the mother of the very real harm she had done (it didn't matter because the daughter was going to be evil anyway), and casts the daughter as a basically inhuman, irrationally evil entity which evokes an extremely unfortunate trope in horror involving children and also calls to mind the way some parents talk about their disabled child, while casting themselves as the biggest victim in the situation.

lexicon (max barry): an action/thriller novel about a secret society of people with an almost supernatural ability of ~persuasion~ which they learn and hone at their own special school and upon graduation they take on the name of a famous poet or writer. it starts in medias res with an action scene where things keep happening but you don't understand why, or who the people they are happening to are, or most importantly, why you should care (as you can tell i don't really care for this device and each time i encounter it, it annoys me a little more).

initially, you think the main character is Emily, the spunky former street performer who had run away from home and was eventually picked up by a talent scout, and who upon graduation was given the name of none other than Virginia Woolf. but no! turns out Emily has been being manipulated the entire time (to the point of becoming first a mass murderer and then a sexy sexy slave) and the actual main character was her only love ever ^^ the stoic no-nonsense gun-toting australian macho who's so stoic that he Never Talks About His Feelings and so no-nonsense that he's basically immune/almost immune to ~persuasion~.

one thing that was sort of funny/creative was that to effectively ~persuade~ people, the secret society has been working on categorizing the entire human population into the 200 (i think) personality types they have identified (basically magic market segmentation) which feels kinda prescient/topical (the book was originally published in 2013). i actually enjoyed the "accompanying texts" -- fake articles, forum discussions, chat conversations -- more than the actual story and wished there was more of that haha

[sips-tea-cutely]

Hello! I dont know if you are taking requests rn but if you feel comfortable could you write the bsd characters helping/comforting reader through a bad panic attack? Maybe reader has been super stressed w/ school or work and has just been bottling things up until they snap. Personally my panic attacks are intense: hyperventilating, shaking, tears, digging my fingers into my arms and legs almost bruisingly, unable to hold my weight- just in case you need ideas. If this is uncomfortable for you then dont worry about it. Love your writing!!!

Helping with a bad panic attack

a/n: hello!! im so sorry if this isn’t as good as usual, feel free to vent <33

atsushi nakajima, osamu dazai, saigiku jōno, doppo kunikida, kōyō ozaki

#Atsushi Nakajima

atsushi is unfortunately no stranger to panic attacks. nor is is he a stranger to stress to be better.

seeing all your peers have talents, barely even surviving, it was so much pressure— even your boyfriend, atsushi is well, the most important ability user in the world.

there was a ringing, its so loud. so loud, you could pull out your hair, bang your head against a wall, it’s so much stress.

Click!

“ugh.. im seriously questioning how mr. dazai is still alive..” atsushi said as he closed the door to your dorm. “ah! s/o, are you alright?” he puts down the dinner he bought beside you and went to hold your hand.

he pulls you beside him and rests your head on his shoulder. “im here for you, alright? just tell me when you’re ready.” he gently coos, wiping tears away with his glove.

listening to your cries of self-hate “im not good enough, im not good enough to do anything.” hearing you made you think of himself, what had he wanted most?

kindly grabbing your hand once more, “here’s an idea… what if we train together? i know the feeling of self-doubt very well so why don’t we work together to be stronger?”

“hm— yes, id like that, atsushi..” you smile. “alright! mm, how about we start after dinner?”you nod and following, he started unwrapping your dinners. “eat up, s/o. it isn’t good to train on an empty stomach <33.”

#Osamu Dazai

8:45 PM, and your report’s due in two hours. everything was going wrong, your stupid professor forced the class to switch to a new website, the fucking thing shut down when you were almost done and your ‘friends’ ran tail when you were the one who wasn’t ok. it was so ironic, so funny, you could manically laugh— “My, why does god hate me?”

until a familiar voice rang out through the living room. “Oh, my nightshade, i’m back! look what i found at the convenience store!” your annoyingly sweet boyfriend pointed to the baggie of treats in his hand, a bunch of your favorites and even some boba in a plastic bottle. Ah

scars on your legs, the unevenly constant clicking of nails and the shaking of your body— unfortunately, dazai recognized this behavior of yours.

laying the treats on the coffee table, he sat down next to you. “dearest, what’s on your mind? is it school?” he genuinely asked, laying your head on his chest and rubbing your back.

crying into his navy vest, you told him all about what had happened; the stress, your assignment and what had happened. calmly brushing your hair, dazai began to spoke again. “shh, shh, it’s okay, dear. listen to my heartbeat, alright? relax your body, i’ll help you find a way, promise.”

kissing your head, he waited until your breaths had calmed. wiping your tears with his thumb “are you alright, dear?”

“ah, yea, i am, sorry, osamu, aha…” you nod and weakly laugh. “alright~..” he says, playfulness slowly coming back— he smiles and grabs your laptop “come! get some snacks, we’ll finish it together! <3”

#Saigiku Jouno

losing was not fun. and your opponent rubbing it in your face is even worse. holding in your tears hurt like hell. and upon arriving home, all you wanted to do was cry. crouching down on the floor, your tears stained your outfit and your nails dug into your wrists. eventually, you had tired yourself out and somehow made it to the couch..

it wasn’t until late midnight that jouno finally returned home. it was not something he liked. the faint smell of iron and the unevenness of your heartbeat. you were alive but, something had happened.

using his ability, he made his way beside you on the couch, carefully waking you. “jewel, why are you upset?” he asked, tilting his head. for once, he didn’t sound sarcastic he sounded like he really cared. “uh.. it’s nothing, sai’. its stupid anyways…” you look away in embarrassment, despite his blindness.

“if you’re crying about it, it appears its not stupid to you.” he frowns. “seriously, sai’! im alright!” you defend yourself. “hm~ your heartbeat is faster.. that only happens when you lie. what’s wrong.” it didn’t seem like a question, more like an order. he really wanted to know, huh?

giving in, you tell him about it all, “hehe, i told you, it’s really stupid…” you laugh at yourself. “hrgh, i understand the feeling. losing is.. awful, it makes you feel inferior. but it does not make you any less talented. tetchou may be the strongest hunting dog but i, myself am better than him in interrogations, right?” he.. hes joking right?

“aha.. ahahahaha!” you giggle. “wha?!? hey, thats a genuine question!” he complains. “ah.. hahaha! sure, if that’s what you wanna think!” you cry, but this time not from sadness or frustration, happiness. well.. if it’s you, he could be the clown, just this once.

#Doppo Kunikida

a huge case has came the way of the agency. after it had been resolved, you were the unlucky soul who had to summarize it to the bureau of unique abilities and god, was ango a fucking critic.

‘i’ll go to sleep in an hour’ you told kunikida— 3 hours ago. ah, it’s almost 2 already and you’ve just finished an evaluation of the enemy. in theory, this isn’t so hard, so why? ‘am i just incompetent? or am i stupid? why can’t i do this?’ you thought while crying into your hands

“s/o, dear what are you still doing up?” kunikida said, sitting up onto the bed and grabbing his glasses. “you need at least 7 hours of sleep to function properly, it isn’t healthy to pull all-nighters.”

grabbing a tissue from the box beside your lamp, you swiftly clean your face “y-yea just… finishing up some work.” of course, kunikida is much smarter than that. “come here.” he says, his arms wide open. “are you alright? what has got you so stressed?” petting your head gently, he listened to your woes, never even once bringing up some sort of schedule.

“you were working on your report?” he asked, almost mocking you… “s/o, work is there for a reason, there is a time when you should work and a time where you should rest or else you can’t work properly.”

rolling you down onto your side of the bed and tucking you in. “rest for now, alright, dear? the report is tomorrow’s problem.” he said while turning off the lamp. “and if you’re still struggling—“ kissing your lips, “ill be there to help you.”

#Koyo Ozaki

working in the port mafia had never been easy, especially when you’re your girlfriend’s informant. of course, she didn’t favor you at all, you were still expected to finish your reports and tell koyo of all the things you learned.

despite being a mafia sub-executive, you weren’t kind to the screams of agony often heard in koyo’s torture chamber or the blood that often stained the floors. you always were in your office or out with a client.

that is until koyo had went out to complete her own will— an ability user from the government had landed into the port mafia’s trap. “mx. s/o, what should we do? if we wait for lady ozaki to arrive, he might escape!”

logically, it’d be best to wait for koyo’s official orders but who knows when she’ll be back? you cant ask another executive for help, you’re the one in charge? what do you do? your head is fogging up, it’s getting harder to think, voices are layering it’s almost like you’re just a spectator.

“t…try to get as much information out of him right now..” you finally say, falling onto your chair. the cries of misery overheard from the walkie talkie never seemed to end.

time seemed to pass slower, the next thing you remember, koyo was holding you close to her. “flower, what has you so gloomy?” she asked gently, never even frowning when you stuttered.

“i..i hurt someone. im sorry, im s-“ you pleaded before koyo carefully hushed you. “it wasn’t your fault, my light, he was a… misogynistic and patriarchal man, the only thing he was really good for was giving us information and thanks to you, darling, we got it.” she smiled gently at you.

“how— hic how do you know..?” you rub your red eyes. “he guaranteed us use of a rolodex filled with info of who has landed into yokohama recently. ogai suspects that we will find out where that dostoevsky had hid.” she explained, pulling you to rest in her arms. “now rest. tomorrow, it will be a better day for the both of us.”

[rommahh]

{Harry in sparkly black….Harry lemme **** *** *** for free}

You hadn’t talked to Harry all day. Not that you were mad at him or anything but your therapy this morning left you feeling a little spacey. There was something about talking about your emotions that left you feeling emotionally drained.

You missed Harry terribly and though it’s only been a short week, you felt very lonely. But on another note, your anxiety wasn’t as bad as it was. You were starting to feel like your normal self again but missing something.

You loved the tight knit life you have with Harry. You like being around him most hours of the day. You two were inseparable. If you were in the shower, he was in the bathroom reading a book from the lounger chair in the corner. If he was writing music on the beach, you were somewhere on the shore collecting shells. If you were going to the grocery store the least he could do was go for the drive with you. You two were close and it was something the both of you were ok with.

Some couples don’t like being so close but it worked for you and Harry. Being away from Harry was a weird experience. It’s only been a week but you feel like it’s been a lifetime. You haven’t minded being on your own but you wanted to be with the person you felt most connected to.

So being you, you purchased a ticket to Chicago. You didn’t know how Harry was going to react but you could only assume it would be a positive reaction. You told Jeff that you were coming so he could get you a hotel key and backstage pass.

As you sat in the airport you felt your back pocket buzz- your music pausing for the call. Your hand slipped into the pocket roughly pulling out the small phone. Harry’s icon, him in a fluffy robe looking as grumpy as ever, met your eyes. You cursed because you were quite obviously in the airport and if he saw you, the surprise would be ruined.

You answered anyways but only for audio. You made sure that your airpods were snug in you ear and there was no chance of them falling out.

“My lover!” Harry greets you a in sing song voice. You could hear his humph as he recognizes that you didn’t answer with the FaceTime video on. “Turn your camera on.”

“Can’t, I’m not feeling good.” You fib nervously. Harry frowned, nervous that he may have done something to upset you.

“Oh, alright. What’s wrong then?” He asks. You chew your lip trying to think of an answer.

“Uh, period.” You stammer.

“Your period doesn’t start for another few day…saw it on the tracker.” Harry may have your period tracker on his phone but it was because he wanted to make sure he was able to comfort you the best way he could when he needed to.

“Must be the meds-“ The sound of your boarding attendant sounded over your head cutting you off. “Hey bubs, I’ve actually got to go but we can’t chat later.”

“Sure, that’s fine I guess. Love you.” He mumbles, confused by the phone call. You hang up leaving Harry a little lost in his thoughts.

Later, Harry sang through his rehearsal carelessly, his head clouded with thoughts. He even sang through TBSL and though he was in the worst of moods, fans waiting at the venue thought he never sounded better.

You on the other hand had just sat through the worst flight of your life. There was a woman in the flight who didn’t want to wear her mask causing commotion before the flight could even take off. You had the worst headache halfway through the flight and because of the lack on supplies, the flight couldn’t give you any ginger ale or accommodations.

You didn’t let any of it get to you though as you directed for the chauffeur Jeff sent for you to go to the venue for show.

Harry sat in the common room backstage with the band and Jeff eating dinner grumpily. His fork was stabbing every little piece of lettuce of his salad, everyone watched worried that he may break his bowl.

“HS3 is trending on Twitter today, pretty exciting.” Jeff says to Harry breaking the silence. Jeff just received a text from you saying that you arrived to the venue and were walking towards Harry’s dressing room.

“Mmm great.” Harry grumbles. Jeff rolled his eyes at the diva.

“Someone’s a little pissy this evening. How about you go fix that mood before you greet your fans with a bad attitude.” Jeff scolds him like a child who just got caught doing something they shouldn’t have. Jeff really didn’t care about Harry’s attitude, used to the moods at this point, but he needed a way for Harry to leave the room and see you in the dressing room.

“Fine, didn’t want to be around anyways.” Harry shrugs.

Back in Harry’s dressing room, you rolled your suitcase into a corner where Harry’s outfit for the night resided on a hanger. You smiled at the sparkly black top that you helped pick out. You walked around his dressing room from the hair and makeup table, past the bathroom/ dressing area, and back around to the couch’s and coffee table where you took a seat. You snagged one of his green juices needing the boost of energy from being on the flight.

You heard the door knob jiggle but stayed planted in you seat sipping on the juice. You never made a peep as Harry barged through the room, scowl covering his face. He stormed past the couch not batting an eye at you. He went to the mini fridge where his juices were before letting an exasperated sigh.

“Who fucking took my juice?” He whines. You quietly giggle in your hand at his tone.

“Im sorry, thought I could have it.” You chuckle. Harry leaps from where he stands letting out a yell. He turns to look at you with wide eyes, hand over his chest as if his heart was going to explode from his chest. You stood from the couch waiting for him to react more but he just stood there in shock. When the realization of you actually being there kicked in he let out another yell before bounding over to you.

Before you knew it, you had two strong arms wrapped tightly around you. Your wrapped around his neck, hands and fingers spread through his hair. His face tucked into your lower neck peppering desperate kisses all over just to feel something.

“What are you doing here?” You hear him cry. You pulled away from him to wipe his eyes of the tears that streamed down his face.

“I needed to see you.” Was all you could muster. He pulled you down on the couch, your body cushioning his larger frame. He laid in between your legs, your back flat in the body of the couch.

“Im so happy your here.” Harry couldn’t even put his excitement into words. He knew you were coming in a week but to have you here earlier than that made him feel things. He sat up from suffocating you into the couch, allowing for you to sit up beside him. “What about your therapy? I hope you’re not jeopardizing your mental health to be here with me cause I would much prefer if you put me on the back burner and took care of yourself.”

You rolled your eyes playfully. “I’m ok. I still will see my therapist virtually, I’ve got all new meds that are working fine, and if all goes to shit I will go back home. It’s ok bubs.” You reassure him.

He grabs your face with both hands pulling your face to his. Your lips meet with need. His lips slotting with yours, moving slowly but with rigor as if he was scared you would slip from his fingers. Your bottom lips fit between his lips leaving for him to suck on it slightly. You moaned at the feeling making Harry pull you in tighter. You sat slightly upon his lap, chest against each other tightly. Your tongues pushed at one another, lips loving in tangent.

You pulled away when you felt his lower presence awaken. He whined at the loss of contact making you giggle.

“If we go any further you’re gonna be late for your show. I’ll give you more back at the hotel, yeah?” You say lowly trying to catch your breathe. He groaned resting his forehead on yours chasing your lips with chaste kisses making you smile.

“Fine, you owe my though. This is level three apology situation that can only be resolved with these things; sloppy blowies, butt stuff, or face masks if you catch my drift.” He chastised. You let out a deep belly laugh pushing yourself away from him. You two still sit facing each other, your legs slightly on top of his.

“You’re so nasty, but I may be able to arrange one of those.” You wink making Harry let out a triumphant laugh.

“Are you staying for the show? I understand if your not.” He questions fiddling with your fingers.

“Think it would be best if I didn’t. I’m really tired and I obviously need a nap if I’m going to be up for your post show antics.” You joke giving his nose a poke. He jokingly pretends to bite your finger in retaliation.

Harry went on stage that night happier than ever. He started plotting proposals from the second he walked you to the car with your suitcase and waved goodbye to you. You went to the hotel room and “accidentally” fell asleep wearing one of your most recent purchases curled up in your tour bus blanket.

Let’s just say that Harry not so accidentally woke you up after that concert ready to love all of his adrenaline off in you.

Part 2👀

[harry-writings]

The Happy Years

- The one where Y/n is unhappy in her engagement and finds an escape with her former lover

Part 1

Masterlist

(A/N) IM SO EARLY IM SORRY I KNOW I SAID 9PM BUT IM DONE SO MUCH SOONER THAN EXPECTED OKAY IM SORRY LOVE YALL <3333

-

Three years later.

The heaviest of thunderstorms hit the city of London by early morning, the loss of the sun and the gloom of the day leaving Harry bedridden for the first time in weeks.

He always tried his best to avoid days like this — trapped within his home, caged in memories that make every step he takes heavier than the last, wishing for just the smallest taste of salvation — because it’s when he’s left alone between these walls that the darkest parts of him come out, ravaging, feeding off of what’s left of him.

Rain reminds him of the day Y/n left. Thunder reminds him of Malibu. Malibu reminds him of all the things he ever used to do with her ��� on the bed, on the couch, in the hallways.

There’s no escape from what he’s done.

But when the time hits two in the afternoon and Harry still hasn’t gotten up from under his blankets, he decides that doing even the bare minimum with his day would be some sort of accomplishment.

He decided to get the mail.

And what a terrible decision that was, Harry thinks, as he sees an envelope addressed to him in unfamiliar handwriting by an unfamiliar name. Something about it upsets his stomach and throws him off key, knowing in his heart that he shouldn’t open it, but it’s heavy in his hands and he can’t ignore the temptation of it all.

Another terrible decision he’s made.

Please join us for the wedding of Alfie Lexington & Y/n Y/l/n.

Saturday, September 25, 2021 at 3:00 PM.

Dartmouth House. Mayfair, London.

The downpour feels like a drizzle compared to the cries Harry lets out as he reads the wedding invitation, his worst nightmare playing out right before his very eyes and if he wasn’t already so fucked up, he’d try his best to ignore it.

Y/n played her move. She wants him to strike back. She wants to win and watch him lose more than he already has. That’s all she has left of him.

His lips tremble as he sniffles, the invitation shaking between his palms as he lets reality sink in.

Y/n is getting married.

Y/n is happy.

Y/n is going to spend the rest of her life with somebody other than him — somebody that was once his friend.

It's unfathomable to him. The connection him and Y/n shared was unlike any other. They were drawn to each other instantaneously, their feelings of infatuation never once dying down because it was simply incapable of doing so.

They put each other first. They made each other better people, helped each other grow through all the droughts and winter days, and continuously found ways to become closer to one another. They were so comfortable and confident in their company, and so every day they spent together within those four years had never been anything less than pure happiness.

They were meant to be. He didn’t see it then, but he sees it now, and now that’s all he sees because everything he sees is her. 

To know that it’s no longer the same for her kills him from the inside out, because now she really doesn’t belong to him.

He lets out a sound that can only resemble what would be a whine and a groan made together, sobbing as he flips the invitation around, only to find another saved date he just doesn’t have the heart to see — an engagement party for all the invited to join.

He’s so overwhelmed with devastation that his brain becomes fogged, his body disassociating from itself as he rips the invitation apart, growling and screaming and wailing as he just keeps ripping it and ripping it and ripping it.

He’s destroying it in the same way it destroyed him until he gives up, slamming his fists down upon the counter, losing control of himself beneath all his pain and regrets. This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to happen. This isn’t what was supposed to come from this life.

He’s barely surviving as it is.

And he just needs to see her again.

But he doesn’t know how he’d react once he does. Whether he’d want to kiss her, to hate her, to love her all over again, he doesn’t know. His entire world is collapsing and he doesn’t know how to save it from falling apart. He can’t take any more risks when it comes to her.

But what is love without fear and danger? What would it say about him if he were to walk away from this now instead of trying just once more with her?

So with a heavy heart and a sobbing chest, he doesn’t take his chances.

And Y/n simply just couldn’t believe the sight in front of her.

Harry is standing at her doorstep, soaked head to toe, shaking in his bones. His lips are a light shade of blue and his eyes an alarming shade of red, somehow wetter than the rest of him. And as the thunder rumbles beneath her feet and nearly sends her to her knees, it goes to show her that he really is here, standing at her doorstep, and it’s not just a dream.

And she must have been struck by the shock of his presence because her tongue is suddenly tied, her throat dry, her lips fallen open yet forgetting how to breathe.

She just looks at him, soaking him all in, trying to understand what exactly led him back to the biggest mistake of his life.

“Harry?”

“So that was your way of getting back at me?! After three fucking years?!”

Her mouth falls open in disbelief, her eyebrows furrowing in defense. How he could possibly accuse her of something she didn’t even do — considering she hadn’t made any attempts to reach out to him since the moment she left Malibu — makes her feel even more betrayed than before.

He should know her better than this. He should know her from the inside out at this point, but she supposed three years really is a long time, because she’s never seen this side of Harry before. He seems so different to her now.

“Don’t you dare come to my home and try to make an ass out of me! Since when have I ever been the kind of person to get back at somebody?!”

Harry stutters for a moment, his anger and jealousy and hurt blinding him from the truth that Y/n never goes out of her way to get even. Her heart is too big, but he can’t shake this feeling that the person who sent him the invitation was out to do him harm.

And nobody had more of a reason to hurt him than Y/n.

“So the wedding invitation, then? You had nothing to do with that?”

He speaks it condescending, as if he didn’t believe a word she said, but that’s not what it comes down to. It comes down to the fact that she has moved on and found herself somebody so much better than him, and he has no one.

She shakes her head as if to gather her thoughts, confused about how he even found out about the wedding considering Harry quit the firm just hours after he left Malibu, leaving him with no contact to anybody that had any string tied back to her.

“Of course I had something to do with the wedding invitations! I’m the one getting married!”

She pauses then, her cold demeanor dropping into something Harry wants to say resembles a hint of relief, but it’s much more cross than that, much more serious, and he doesn’t expect what’s coming next.

“That’s what this is about, isn’t it? Me getting married?” She speaks it through a small, bitter laugh. “I should have known the only way you’d fight for me was by being with somebody else. You never could stand being second to me, as ironic as that is.”

“I could give two shits about you getting married.” He lies through clenched teeth, his stomach sick at the mere thought of it. “But I do have an issue with you inviting me to your wedding after walking out on me.”

Her head snaps back up to him.

“Wait, Harry, what are you talking about?” She frowns, trying to make sense of it. “I didn’t invite you to the wedding.”

Why would she?

They are no longer friends, no longer much of anything, so for her to take time out of her day to sabotage anything but herself wouldn’t feel right to her. Besides, it was her decision to never speak to Harry again, she wouldn’t ever take her word back.

Harry frowns then, too, because she isn’t faking her emotions. She’d always been terrible at doing so, and the way her eyes scream and beg for answers can’t go ignored. He, again, feels like the absolute worst person in the world.

“Then who did?” He whispers.

There’s only one possible answer.

-

Seven months ago.

Alfie insisted that he and Y/n had a New Year’s Eve party. They’d never had one before, as Y/n much preferred staying in with a bottle of champagne and celebrating with a lobster dinner and late night reruns of The Honeymooners.

But Alfie was persistent. Very persistent. Too persistent. So persistent she had no choice but to give in, and she just didn’t understand why.

She didn’t understand it as days passed and all Alfie talked about was the stupid party. She didn’t understand it when he rented out one of the most expensive venues. She didn’t understand it when he laid awake the entire night before, too anxious to fall asleep. She didn’t understand it when he asked her to wear his favorite dress.

She wished that she did the moment it happened.

The clock was ticking.

“Five!”

Alfie reached for Y/n’s hand.

“Four!”

Y/n noticed something shift in the air.

“Three!”

Alfie reached his other hand into his pocket.

“Two!”

Y/n knew what was coming.

“One!”

Alfie dropped to one knee.

“Happy new year!”

It was every girl’s dream — the fireworks, the balcony, the view, the prince charming that would whisk her away to spend the rest of eternity together — yet it couldn’t have felt any more like a nightmare.

It wasn’t what she wanted. Not then, not ever before, not once during the span of their relationship, and time seemed to have stopped moving forward.

There she was, in the center of the universe as everybody stopped and stared, gasping and gushing at the sight of a man on his knees for a woman. An act of vulnerability, of love, of submission, yet it didn’t feel like any of those things.

It all felt so wrong.

She began to cry.

To everyone else, it seemed as though she was crying from happiness. Her devoted boyfriend of two years finally asked for her hand in marriage, to be the mother of his children, to spend the rest of their lives tied together by a vow, unable to be broken. So it was no surprise when everybody let out an awe of endearment, nobody (not even Alfie) knowing her well enough to distinguish the difference between her happiest and saddest cries.

Harry would have known.

And that was all it seemed to come back to in that very moment in time.

Harry.

What she would have given to feel his hands on her waist, blocking her body from view with his, taking her away from all the unwanted eyes on her fragile body. He would have done it in a heartbeat because he always did — he always found a way to help her escape her horrifying realities, even the sweetest of ones.

What she would have given for it to be him kneeling in front of her… this all would have been so different.

Her lover of two years was promising her a future, yet all she could think about was somebody stuck in her past, yet so heavily prevalent in her present.

But she couldn’t say no. How could she when everybody expected the answer he was looking for, ready to toast to the bride and groom? How could she when phones captured the beginning of the rest of their lives, ready to share for all to see?

But she couldn’t say yes, either.

She settled for a nod of her head.

The crowd cheered, some clapping, others clinking their glasses, lovers kissing. She only caught a glimpse of those celebratory moments before everything around her drowned in her tears, voices of congratulations so distant beneath her heavy, hyperventilated breaths.

Alfie embraced her, then, and she felt his laughs of euphoria rumbling in his chest as hers met his, and she couldn’t even pretend.

She rested her chin on his shoulder, her expression void of everything that she should have been feeling. And her eyes went blank as they caught a reflection of her through the balcony windows — the last time she ever saw herself for what she truly was.

-

That same day.

Y/n was a mess waiting for Alfie to get home.

Seeing Harry again filled her with so many different emotions, she didn’t know which one to start with. She wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to destroy everything and everybody that dared get in her way, she wanted to disappear. Yet she had done none of it. All she could manage to do was pace around her bedroom, biting at her nails and getting lost in her scrambled thoughts, her mind and body moving at a million miles an hour, unable to be tamed.

This is precisely the reason Y/n never wanted to see him again.

He does things to her, he always has. She hardly has any control over herself whenever it comes to him and she fucking hates it. No matter how sad, how mad, how hurt or how upset, there was something about his presence that made her see past all of that. It saddens her how much she used to love it.

But her moods swing at her relentlessly, the sadness turning to anger because yes, she is angry. She’s angry that he still has this much of a hold on her, especially after everything he’s done, and she’s even more angry that he hasn’t yet apologized for it.

Because it was all getting better. The constant wondering about what he’s doing or who he’s with and the continuous string of thought always leading back to him was all finally falling into its place. She was finally finding her place.

And then her fiancè did this.

When she hears the bedroom door open, she hardly gives Alfie any time before she starts a fight, wishing nothing more than to take it all out on him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Y/n fumes, everything tainted red with anger as she looks into his eyes and feels nothing but hurt and betrayal. “Inviting Harry to our wedding behind my back?! Do you not remember what he did to me?! Do you not realize what you just did?!”

He frowns, not sarcastic or menacing, but he genuinely seems upset that she’d ever even ask him such a question.

“Y/n…” Alfie sighs, and she suddenly hates the way he’s always managed to remain calm in the most heated of arguments. She wants to start a war with it, to go for the kill, to make him crawl and beg and bleed for her forgiveness. “Of course I remember what he did to you, which is exactly why I did it.”

Her hands turn to fists.

“Are you kidding me?!”

“I wanted to hurt him for hurting you! God damn it, Y/n… after finding out what he did to you all I could think about was ripping him to pieces and that urge never left me, especially after we got together.”

He slumps himself down at the foot of the bed, loosening the tie around his neck, almost too aggressively. And if she wasn’t so out of her mind enraged, she would try her hardest to understand his side.

But there is no excuse for this. There’s no excuse for any of it.

“So now you use our marriage as a way to get back at him?!”

Y/n may not love Alfie the right way, but she had never stooped so low to treat her marriage like a weapon, ready to strike at any moment in time. It wasn’t something she used to inflict pain onto anybody else but herself, no matter how hard it had gotten.

And though she once believed their engagement meant more to him than it ever meant to her, she can’t help but feel as if that’s just another lie she’d been forced to live with.

He went behind her back deliberately to hurt somebody even she never intended on hurting. He knew what was to come of this and yet here he is, letting it all happen for satisfaction’s sake.

It feels like all she will ever be is used.

“Is that what this is to you?! A point on your scoreboard?! A big ‘fuck you, i won!’?”

“Isn’t that what this is for you?”

“Don’t you dare turn this into my problem.” She spits through clenched teeth, punching at the dresser beside her with the side of her fist, face burning with fury. “I’m not the one sending him our wedding invitations!”

“And I’m not the one staying up past midnight scrolling through pictures of him on my phone!”

Her mouth shuts then, her hard and pressed features softening at the unexpected turn of the conversation.

She had been looking at pictures of Harry almost every night since Malibu, she just never expected to get caught. She could physically feel Alfie fall asleep against her, so she always waited thirty minutes before she took her phone out, looking back at everything that once was.

It was the only thing she ever truly wanted.

It’s what she kept going back to — a habit that came as naturally as telling her best friend about her day, about her perspectives on the world, about the lack of guidance in her life — like a phone call at the end of the day as a way to unwind.

She had make believe conversations with him as she scrolled endlessly through her favorite photo album, the thickness of his accent engrained in her mind as she thought of everything he’d say to her if he were still around. And if that wasn’t enough, she’d live vicariously through the memories they made together and replay those moments all night, until they lulled her to sleep.

“I told you from day one that —”

“That you’re never going to let him go, I know. I know that he was the love of your life at one point but this is just pathetic now, Y/n. Absolutely nothing short of pathetic.” She frowns, his choice of words making her heart sink because he knows exactly how to do it. And he sighs, rubbing his hands up and down his face as if he were in agony. “I didn’t know this was the kind of shit I was signing up for.”

Her eyes brim with tears but don’t offer anything more, only upset that he couldn’t find a way to understand her when she’s trying so hard. But he never has and he never will — not in the way she needs him to and not in the way that could ever make this work.

“I’m not sorry for what I did.” She confesses sadly, her bottom lip between her teeth and fingers picking the skin around her nails as she tries, yet again, to make him see. “He was my best friend before he was anything else to me. There was a time in my life where he was all I had.”

And though her heart is still with Harry in every aspect of every way, it’s true. He was her best friend and that’s what she misses the most. There was so much to him that meant so much to her and none of it could ever be replaced, not even by Alfie.

“You know I love you but you also know I'm not the same woman you fell for in Malibu. I’m my worst self when I don't have him around and your favorite parts of me don’t exist without him. Don’t pretend like you don’t see that.”

His hands twitch against his lap, his shoulders slumping because it’s true. The most lively and brightest parts of herself had died the first step she’d taken away from him that night. Sure, she’s still the most resilient and beautiful woman Alfie had ever known, but she’s never been the same since then.

She’s still in love with him and there’s nothing for him to do about it. He didn’t see it until he saw the way she sulked over Harry that night, all those years later, with a diamond ring on her finger that just seemed to weigh her down even more.

None of this means anything to her.

“It’s been three years, Y/n. Just find yourself a new best friend and move the fuck on already. I’m getting sick and tired of this.”

What he doesn’t understand is that she is, too.

-

Two weeks later.

Y/n shouldn’t be this alone at her own engagement party, but it’s the impossible things that always manage to find their way to her.

The party consisted mostly of Alfie’s friends, considering Y/n is much more of an introvert than he is and the small number of friends she does have seemed to have disappeared within the sea of unfamiliar faces. She felt lost for a moment, but when she finally found her fiancè, he had been too invested in his own friends to spare her a single one of his glances, and it soon became disheartening to wait for him to acknowledge her when the thought of her never once crossed his mind.

So she ends up on the steps of their back porch, sipping on a glass of champagne, overlooking the garden, breathing in the silence.

She closes her eyes and succumbs herself to the summer breeze, wondering what she has to do to find a single glimmer of happiness. Her life is just so sad, a labyrinth of betrayal and hurt and heartbreak she can’t ever escape.

Darkness is all she sees when she thinks about her future. There is nothing for her to look forward to. Every day will come and go the same way it has been — unwanted, dreaded, wasted, another failed attempt of contentment. It all seems so hopeless to her now.

The champagne doesn’t stand a chance when it comes to a lonely Y/n, and it isn’t nearly enough to curb her mood, either as she huffs at her empty glass, wishing she had taken another.

She sets it down next to her, placing both her elbows on her knees, getting lost in her world of sorrow, long forgotten by her lover.

Harry is the first one to find her.

He had parked his car across the street from her shared home with Alfie, and even from his distance he knew Y/n wouldn’t be inside. He knows her too well to know she wouldn’t find her place in crowded rooms where the attention is all on her, even if it was all in the comfort of her own home.

And the fact that Alfie didn’t know her senses of belonging well enough to accommodate them made him seeth. She is an independent, a lone wolf, a woman who moves solely in her own way and anybody who’s ever loved her knows that above all else.

He doesn’t care for her.

And he doesn’t need to go looking for her because he can feel her, as if the universe somehow bent its laws of gravity and pushed him straight to her back porch steps, where he finds her all alone.

She nearly jumps out of her skin when she feels a hand fall softly on her shoulder, but immediately sinks into comfort when she sees that it’s Harry moving to sit beside her, his hand refusing to pull away.

Finally, she has a friend.

“Hey.” She says softly, one of the corners of her lips turning slightly upward at his unexpected visit. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

He smiles briefly at her before he overlooks the garden, his fingers squeezing at her shoulder before resting his palms over his lap. And there’s something about being next to her again that makes everything around him fall back into place. This is where he’s meant to be.

“Honestly, neither did I, all things considered.” They both let out a chuckle, the atmosphere between them so horrifically sad yet so incredibly right. “But I just really felt like I had to be here for you tonight.”

Despite the years that had passed and everything that drove them apart, Y/n remains who he loves most in this world. His connection to her never died, so the sudden gusts of off and disturbing feelings Harry used to get whenever Y/n was troubled had never left him. He felt it all just as strongly — her anxieties, her fears, her tears and everything in between. And he’s glad that part of them never died because the look in her eye tells him everything he needs to know.

She’s absolutely miserable.

She sighs, the corners of her lips falling as she stares at her engagement ring, her thumb and pinky twisting it around her ring finger, itchy and heavy no matter which way it's worn.

“Me and Alfie aren’t doing so well.”

She didn’t have to say it because he can already see how treacherous they are together, but that doesn’t make it any easier for him to hear.

He lost his right to be selfish with her in Malibu, and though he does gain a sense of happiness knowing he may have a chance with her again, it’s significantly outweighed by her sadness. Nothing had ever pained him more than that.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

She shakes her head, her fingers reaching up to tuck fallen pieces of hair behind her ear.

“Don’t be. I don’t really know why he decided to do this, anyways.”

Harry’s lips fall.

“Marry you?”

Y/n’s leg begins to shake, her greatest and most absentminded nervous habit. And Harry had always been quick to place his hand over her thigh and rub at the surface, meeting her eye halfway and taking a deep breath in, to which she would always follow. He hesitates to do so tonight, but settles for it anyway.

She looks appreciative beneath it all.

She’d forgotten about Harry’s subtle favors over the past three years, so to feel it all again when she has been so low and neglected feels like a blessing to her. It feels like somebody finally cares for her, and that’s all she had been wanting all along.

Harry, she feels, is the only one who ever truly has.

“We just never talked about it. It was this big, ginormous, unavoidable, life changing question thrown at me with no warning at all.” Her forehead falls to her palms, as if humiliated by the memory. “In front of everybody.”

Harry’s heart crumbles from within him because nothing Alfie has given her has been anything she’s wanted, and that’s not what she deserves.

He remembers it so distinctively now — the way she poured her heart out to him just a few months before Malibu. It was the third Valentine’s Day they’d spent together and Y/n got so drunk, she spent nearly the entire night venting to him about everything she’d feared when it came to her future relationships.

With her head on his shoulder and her leg slung over his hips, Y/n’s thoughts were so destructive, she couldn’t bear to entertain them any longer, so she decided to let it all out.

“And what if my boyfriend proposes to me in a room full of people? I’d drown in sensory overload. And what if I want to say no? Or maybe? Or yes, just not right now? With all those people looking at me? I think I would pass away.”

Harry looked down at her in subtle curiosity, his fingers playing with her hair in the way they always liked. She was the only thing in his sight that wasn’t spinning out of his control.

“So how do you want to be proposed to?”

She hummed, as if contemplating her answer. But she knew. She already knew.

“In bed, probably. It’s so intimate and private there. So non-traditional. You’re the most done down at your first hour and something about someone wanting you at your worst, forever, is so poetic.”

She looked up at him with doe eyes merely seconds after.

“Will you make sure he does that for me, please? Promise me you’ll try.”

He smiled the best he could at her, pressing his lips down to her forehead. They lingered there for a moment, and Y/n’s breath was taken away.

“I’ll make sure of it.”

What makes the memory even worse was how much he really did love her and how blinded he was to it. He kissed her. He held her. He played with her hair. He slept beside her that night. He kissed her again goodnight. He brought her breakfast in bed the next morning. He did it all over again.

It couldn’t have been any more obvious.

But there’s something about the way she hasn’t expressed any of those concerns with Alfie that doesn’t sit right with him. It just doesn’t make any sense to him.

“Been with him for how long now, two years? And you really didn’t expect him to propose to you? Have you met you?”

She sulks herself deeper into her knees.

“I don’t know. I guess — I guess I just never really thought about it.”

Never thought about it?

“But you’ve always wanted to get married.” He says it more like a question than a statement, genuine concern and confusion in his tone of voice as his eyebrows furrow, trying to comprehend it.

She looks up at him with a void, empty expression.

“Yeah, but never to him.”

Her eyes linger on Harry’s for just a beat longer — just long enough to catch a glimpse of the way his lips fall and the way his face drains of color — before she blinks away from him, turning her gaze back toward the garden. The flowers have never looked so lifeless.

“Y/n… if I had known how you felt, I —”

“It wouldn’t have mattered.” Y/n shakes her head, looking back down at her trembling hands, tears now burning in her eyes as the sudden sadness of the conversation starts to weigh down on her. “You had four years to feel the same for me and you never did. My feelings would have done nothing to yours.”

“And I never did?” Harry asks incredulously, his voice low and faltered behind the heaviness of her words. “Is that really what you’ve been living with the past three years?”

Loose tears begin to fall down her cheeks because yes, she has been living with his unrequited love for six years and no, it’s never gotten any easier. It’s pathetic and ridiculous and the most unexplainable form of grief she’d ever carried, but it’s the most devastating kind. “How could I think any differently?”

“Because it was real, Y/n. Fuck.” He lets out a strangled, dry chuckle upon his words as he runs his shaking fingers through his hair. He’s nervous, absolutely terrified because if he fails to show her how deeply he feels for her now, he may never get the chance to again, and losing her is no longer an option for him. Not when she’s so close. “Because you know me better than anybody else and you know I wasn’t faking it with you. How could I have been? You would have seen right through me and you know it. You always do.”

Perhaps the love blinded her. Perhaps her heart was so invested it deceived her to see only the things she wanted as a subconscious form of self-preservation. It’s not an impossible possibility, and it’s certainly one she believed in throughout all this time, but a part of her can’t help but find a hint of truth stuck somewhere between his words.

The kissing, the touching, the tasting, the laughing and the loving did feel real to her. It felt real when she saw the way he smiled after every one of their kisses, and the way he reached for her when it was just to two of them, like he couldn’t get enough, and the way he moaned against her, and the way he told her he loved her, like he meant it.

She knows all of his movements and all of his habits — knows all the signs of his stress, his sadness, his tension, his ease. She knows the emotions he wears and the ones he doesn’t, notices everything he does and doesn’t do, and never once did anything he did with her seem anything less than genuine.

She hates that it’s taken her so long to see that, but it doesn’t fix all that he had broken now that she does. She wishes that it could, this life would be so much easier for her to live.

“You really hurt me.” Her voice quivers, low and quiet as she speaks her truth, and it breaks his heart all over again. Never has he heard her sound so sad in his life, and it’s all because of him.

“You think I don’t know that? I hate myself for everything I put you through because you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

He pauses, waiting for her to say anything else, but it doesn’t come. All there is for her to offer are her silent cries and waterfall eyes.

“That night with Lydia… nothing happened. She caught me off guard and I panicked because how could I not? She was giving me everything I thought I wanted yet all I could think about was how I wanted it to be you.” Y/n’s breath falters then, a knot forming in her chest as she revisits the sight of that horrific night. “I tried so hard to talk it out with her, but she wouldn’t let it go. She kept persisting and persisting and she didn’t give me the chance to explain myself before you walked in on us.”

She didn’t truly know what happened between him and Lydia, but she had her ideas. Whether they kissed, touched, confessed their love or crossed bases, the truth would have only made it worse for herself. Ignorance was bliss when it came to them.

But she didn’t think nothing happened, either, especially when the first words that Y/n heard Lydia say to him that night was I love you, too.

Too.

Too.

Too.

Like he said it first.

She really hopes he didn’t, but she’s so afraid of his answer that she doesn’t ask.

But she doesn’t say anything else, either, because there’s so much more she needs to hear from him but she doesn’t know where to start. She doesn’t know what to do, yet she wants to know everything.

“You were all I ever wanted and I’m so sorry for the way I had to find that out. I’m so sorry that I had to hurt you to realize how ridiculously in love I am with you.”

And how ridiculous it’s gotten.

“It haunts me. It follows me everywhere I go. Every morning, I think about the way you slept beside me in Malibu and how perfect you looked before you even had the chance to wake. I still reach for you even when I know you’re not there just so I can say I tried. Every time I walk the street, I somehow convince myself that I see you walk past me and I always turn back just in case I missed you. Then I spend the rest of my day wondering where you are and how much happier I’d be if you were with me.”

And it’s all so true.

She is around him at all times. Her spirit lingers in the air he breathes, her shadow alive in every ray of sun that touches his skin, unable to be soaked away. The ghost of her is everywhere he is, always, and it pained him just as much as it comforted him.

“I come across all these women and go on all these dates in hopes to find someone that makes me feel half the things you do, just to go home hours later and watch all the stupid videos and photos I’ve taken of you throughout the years because it’s you that my heart is after. Nobody else.”

She melts into herself at his confession.

To know it wasn’t one-sided — the longing, the missing, the wanting so bad that he couldn’t help but look back at all their memories together. Whether he was beside those women or not, she had done the very same thing, and it’s almost as if those hidden moments of desperation were a silent call to one another.

He reaches his hand to her thigh again, his skin warming her to her bitter core, setting a fire in her that had burnt out many years ago. And she doesn’t stop staring at it.

“I love you, Y/n. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything else in this world. I love you so much that it drove me crazy to think about you spending the rest of your life with somebody else because I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of mine without you. But that’s my heartbreak to live with, not yours.”

But it is. It is because he’s the only one she’s ever wanted and living her life with someone else was once unimaginable. It still is. Even through her relationship with Alfie and everything they’ve built together, it wasn’t ever the same.

And it’s not a matter of her not loving him, because she does, just not in the way she loves Harry. He is a high she constantly fiends for, an intoxication that keeps her wild and free, an addiction like no other. Being without him makes her feel sober — in a constant state of withdrawal, falling down deeper into her urges, dependent solely on her relapses — and Alfie is just the mild distraction.

All of this is her heartbreak.

His fingertips rub softly at her leg.

“You’re the best person I’ve ever known. I don't know how I’m ever going to find a way to move on from you, and I don’t know if I ever will, but at least I had the chance to tell you everything you deserved to know. I didn’t think I’d ever have it.”

She still doesn’t answer him, but he didn’t expect anything more.

He wishes he could stay with her for just a bit longer, but he doesn’t want to overstay his welcome (if he could even call it that). And he starts to cry as he thinks about leaving her alone again.

She’s forever going to be his hardest loss.

“I have so much more I want to say to you, but this is your night with Alfie. I don’t want to be the one to hold you back from it.”

He squeezes the top of her thigh, dreading the let go. This may be the last time he sees her or speaks to her for a while, and that in itself is enough to make this so much harder on him.

“I’ll miss you everyday.”

He can’t even look at her as he says it.

His eyes are flooded with sadness as he stands from where he sat beside her, shaking fingers wiping at his tears, his heart the emptiest it’s ever been yet his chest heavier than ever before.

It suddenly dawns on her that she never wants to see him walk away from her again. She doesn’t want to go another dreaded day without him beside her, or go the rest of the night thinking of everything she could have said, but didn’t.

She wants him. She loves him. And she doesn’t want him to go.

“Wait.” She grabs his hand in both of hers before he can make it too far, her eyes wet but the brightest he’d ever seen them. “The party doesn’t end for a while and — and Alfie hasn’t come looking for me since it started, so…” She hesitates, his hands still in hers, and everything is right in the world again. “Do you want to take a walk with me? It doesn’t matter where just, please stay here with me?”

And how could Harry ever say no to her?

He lifts her up from where she sits, the first real and genuine smile he’s seen out of her since they’ve reunited spreading on her lips, and he wouldn’t trade this for the world.

They stray further than expected, catching up on everything they’ve missed throughout the years. It all feels so easy and so right, as if time had hardly passed between them, yet they’ve never felt more apart. Never once did they expect to live in each other’s world through late night storytelling and clandestine getaways.

They laugh. They cry. They reminisce. And they don’t let go of each other’s hand the whole night through.

-

Y/n returns to the back porch a couple hours later, grabbing the finished champagne glass she’d left on the top step to seem as inconspicuous as possible. Not that she necessarily has to, she doesn’t feel as though she’s done anything wrong, she just couldn’t imagine what would come from this if Alfie was to find out.

She slides the back door shut quietly behind her, the remaining guests only giving her a small smile of acknowledgement, none at all suspicious. Some offer her hugs and mingle with her, congratulating her as if it were their first time doing so, telling her how perfect of a marriage she and Alfie are going to have.

If only they knew.

But it isn’t until the last of the lingering guests make it out the door that Y/n and Alfie are left alone — the most dangerous place for them to be. And neither of them speak a word to each other, just meeting eyes for a brief moment in time, as if avoiding everything else that came with the night.

The air is heavy, the chill brutal, but it’s what Y/n is so used to. This is her normalcy.

“I’m glad you had fun tonight.” Y/n says plainly, gathering all the littered champagne and wine glasses floating around the kitchen.

In any other circumstance, she would have stood her ground much more strongly, but the bitterness inside her subsided to something much sweeter after her time with Harry. The weight of the world is gone, it seems, the moon and sun and stars aligned perfectly in her universe. She is weightless, floating, her spirit dancing along the edges of her own personal heaven.

The silence Alfie responds with doesn’t strike a nerve like it usually would. It rather goes unnoticed, only furthering her into her illicit dreamland.

Harry’s touch lingers on her skin and she can feel it all the same even though he’s gone. A shiver runs down her spine as she thinks back to the way his lips pressed against her cheek before parting ways, muttering the quietest goodnight, lovie against her skin, leaving her breathless.

She is endlessly hypnotized by him, forever under his spell, as if his lips were made of magic.

And Alfie’s heart sinks when he sees the look on her face. It’s been years since he’s seen it, yet it’s all so familiar once he does. It’s the same look he fell in love with when he first met her in Malibu.

It’s all so clear to him now.

“So we’re just going to pretend that you didn’t leave our engagement party with Harry?”

Y/n lifts her head to look at him properly for what seems to be the first time tonight, his question catching her off guard since she had so rightfully assumed he wasn’t concerned about her whereabouts, and Harry didn’t make his presence known to anybody but her.

But she doesn’t fight it, doesn’t deny it, doesn’t try to scrape for excuses that’ll only dig her in deeper because she doesn’t regret what she did or why she did it. She has no reason to.

“And we’re just going to pretend that you didn’t completely exclude me from our engagement party?”

Alfie’s hands slam against the kitchen counter, a bitter and sarcastic laugh falling from his lips, as if she had said something untrue. “So I don’t give you attention for two minutes and you decide to run off with some other guy?”

“Two minutes? Try two hours on a night that was supposed to be for us.” It’s her turn to slam her hands down, except hers land on her thighs. “I was sitting on our back porch all night and nobody, not even you, came looking for me.” She sits down on the island stool with burnt-out eyes and heavy shoulders, drained from the reality of their relationship, tired of trying for somebody that’s never held her heart the right way. “Harry was miles away and even he found a way to find me.”

And just like always, it all circles back to Harry.

She’s never been one to compare — verbally, at least — so there is a gloom that hovers over her after she says it, the guilt settling in her bones, but it’s the reality of their situation. An old lover held his hand out to her while Alfie refused hers, and it ended up exactly where it had always belonged.

“All you had to do was ask me to be with you.” He sighs, depleted, because it’s true. He would have been there the second she called his name. It’s the fact that she didn’t that shows him how incompatible he is with her wants.

“I shouldn’t have to.” She frowns, fingers fiddling with the skin around her nails as she contemplates what there is to say next. “Is that how this marriage is going to work? Me begging you to be there for me all the time? Because I’ve never been that kind of person. I will never be that person.”

Alfie breathes heavily in response but doesn’t know what else to do or say to get her to stay. She’s slipping right through his fingers and he can physically feel it — can feel the way she feels for another man, can see the way her eyes refuse him, as if hiding away from something.

But this isn’t about him, it can’t be because it was all going so well, so much better than ever before and nothing ever pushed her away, until Harry.

This is all him.

“You know he doesn’t love you, right?” Alfie breaks the silence, her heart along with it, because she needs to be reminded how badly he had done her wrong. She wouldn’t be turning him into the villain if she did. “He lied to you. He used you to get what he wanted. He —”

“He does love me.” She interrupts him because she doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t want him to talk her out of this, no matter how much she should. But it’s on the tip of her tongue, almost breaking from its resistance, and she can’t swallow it back down now. “He was there for me more than you were tonight and he’s not even the one I’m engaged to.”

Another deafening silence.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He understood her, loud and clear, but she’s speaking between the lines. There’s a part of her that’s holding back from something and he already knows what it is, he just needs to hear her say it.

So she does.

“I’m in love with him, Alfie.”

If the confession of her disloyalty wasn’t enough to tear her apart, the choked back sob she heard from Alfie undeniably did so.

She shuts her eyes, pained, unable to take it.

He doesn’t deserve this, but she’s left with no choice. She’ll only hurt him more if she stays.

So she doesn’t.

-

The morning after.

Harry didn’t know what was to come after he confessed his love to Y/n — whether it be a new day of a new life away from her, or the beginning of something so beautifully timeless, he had no idea.

The closure warmed him enough to lull him to sleep, to keep him deep in a dreamstate where all he envisioned was sunny days and the touch of her hand in his. He had never felt so light, so free, so liberated from the cage of guilt and unspoken truths that even if he were to never see or hear from Y/n again, it would have been okay.

He said what he needed to say, she heard what she wanted to hear and that’s all he could have done without interfering with her relationship.

But what he wakes up to is far from anything that ever crossed his mind.

Seven missed calls and five text messages. All from Y/n.

H, please tell me you’re awake. I need you.

I ended it with Alfie.

I don’t have anywhere to go and you’re the only person I want to see right now. Can you meet me at the coffee shop? I really need to talk to you.

Please wake up.

H?

Harry sits himself up in a state of panic, his eyes jumping between the time she had messaged him last and the time it is now. And he springs himself out of bed when he realizes that he hasn’t missed out on her yet, planning to get to her as fast as he can as he throws yesterday’s outfit, not at all caring about how it makes him look.

She ended it with Alfie.

He’s the only person she wants to see right now.

She needs him.

That’s all he can process as he scurries down the street, thinking of everything he has left to tell her to try and win her heart again. He knows he’s undeserving of it, and she does too, but that doesn’t stop him from loving her the way that he does.

His life is meaningless without her, so dry and bleak and depressing he can’t live another day like it. He can’t and he won’t because he’s going to fix this. He has to fix this.

And it doesn’t take him long to find her because there she is, sitting at their usual outdoor table, a large hot tea held between her hands, her leg shaking, her eyes distant. It's such a heartbreaking sight, and he suddenly wonders if she ever sat there after their breakup, waiting for him, hoping he’d do the very same.

The thought makes his head twitch to the side and fingers twist with guilt because no, he never did. He never went back to that coffee shop since the goodbye. It would have hurt too much, it would have reminded him of everything he’d ever done wrong and he couldn’t bear to face the person he once made of himself.

That person died along with her.

She stands from her seat when she sees him walking toward her, exhausted mentally and physically enough to nearly fall from her feet in the process. But her heart is racing a million miles an hour, her stomach fluttering as he grows nearer, her senses of anything but the love she has for him disappearing to nothing, as if it were just the two of them.

And she just needs to know if it feels that way for him, too.

“Y/n —”

“Did you mean it?”

Harry hesitates then, stopping in his tracks, his head tilting at her in curiosity but his features are softer, sadder, as if the question somehow broke him down further than before.

She doesn’t need to elaborate because he already understands what she’s asking. It was his mistakes and his selfishness that led her to question all his intentions, to doubt every sentiment he’s ever given to her, to wonder what was real and what was pretend.

But he doesn’t know what to start with, he doesn’t know what she needs to hear from him to be satisfied with his answer, or know if what he doesn’t say is what breaks this relationship.

“I need you to look at me and tell me that you meant it.” Y/n demands when he fails to answer her, tears flooding yet her face pressed and hard, committed to hearing every last bit of truth he has left. “Because I gave up everything I had for just the smallest possibility that you did. And that may make me weak, that may make me pathetic, and I may hate myself for the rest of my life knowing I made that decision but I can’t help feeling the way I feel for you.”

This is his last chance.

The window of opportunity is open and he is more than willing to dive head first out of it, but he can’t get ahead of himself. One wrong move, one wrong word, one wrong anything and he will have to endure an eternity of misery without her.

So he gives her more than she demands.

He grabs her face between his two hands, gently stroking her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs, his gaze set on hers so that she can see how deeply he feels for her and how desperate he is for her forgiveness.

“I meant it.” He breathes out, his lips so painfully close to hers, she can feel his breath as he talks and it makes her legs shake from beneath her. “I’m in love with you. You’re all I think about. You’re all I want.” He leans in closer, ever so slightly, just so the ghost of her lips can meet the ghost of his. “There’s never been anybody but you. Just you. Only you.”

Her breath stammers, quivering and cracking as she flutters her eyes shut at his words, unforgiving tears pouring down her cheeks. And she doesn’t know why she’s reacting this way — the love of her life is giving her everything she’s ever asked for and yet all she can manage to do is break down from everything she’d been keeping inside for so long.

He knees buckle as a particularly violent sob nearly takes her down, and if it wasn’t for Harry’s strong hold on her, she’s sure she would have collapsed to the floor.

Her tears, his shirt, his hands, her back.

This is the closest they’ve been to each other in so long, his heart nearly shatters along with hers. He missed this more than he missed anything else in this world.

“Don’t cry, baby. It’s alright. You’re alright.” Harry shushes her, his lips settling on the top of her head as he presses chaste kisses on it, his fingers combing through her unbrushed hair. “I’m with you, okay? I’m never leaving you again.”

And he holds her for a while, tying her together as she falls apart in his arms, vowing to her over and over again that this is all over. All the pain is over. Everything will be different now.

And it was.

It felt different when Y/n and Harry spent the rest of the morning sitting in their favorite coffee shop, at their favorite table, drinking their favorite lattes. It felt different when Harry reached his hand over to hold hers, this time with no ulterior motive.

It felt different when she held his hand back, and when she smiled down at where they were intertwined, as if they were an extension of each other.

And unlike the last time they were there together, he doesn’t have to let go.

[9tzuyu]

dark red

request: hii i’m not sure if you’re accepting requests rn,,, if you aren’t i’m sorry please ignore this djfjdhd could you write a nat x reader based off the song dark red by steve lacy — specifically the lines “don’t you give me up / please don’t give up / only you, my girl / only you, babe” — kind of like the tiktok trend going on right now

note: anon im so sorry i really hope this was okay. i can try and rewrite it if you want though 😭 i kinda hate it but i hope its good enough for you :[

aLSO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE.

i proofread this as quick as i could so all mistakes are mine.

warnings: none, a little angsty, terrible writing.

🏷: @c-is-writing @wandaromanova @nermalina

. . .

everyone knew natasha to be a very self-assured woman. she knew everything about herself; what she liked and what she didn’t like, who she tolerated and who she trusted. her history with just about everyone she’s close with dates back years, sometimes decades. it was very rare that she met someone knew whom she gave her complete trust to. 

meeting you caught her by surprise, something that doesn’t happen to natasha very often. your presence was refreshing, authentic, new. it was the very thing natasha didn’t know she needed in her life.

natasha watched your every little movement any time you were around. you intrigued her, held her attention by the very strand of your hair. something about you was special and she couldn’t seem to get enough.

so she allowed herself to have you, to enjoy you, to be with you. over a year into the friendship, you suggested the idea of becoming something more than just platonic. you wanted a relationship with the woman.

natasha accepted your proposal with a bright smile and a gentle kiss on the lips. she’d been more than relieved you asked her because the false belief that she was undeserving trampled any courage she had. 

it was hard to know when something was truly bothering natasha, but sometimes you were able to see the light dull in her eyes, or the uncontrollable fidgeting she’d accidentally let slip. 

which is exactly what you were dealing with now. for the past few months you’d begun to notice a slight change in natasha’s demeanor. little by little she began to distance herself in ways she knew would be looked over, at least for a short amount of time. 

natasha started out small. rather than having her face meet yours, she’d turn her back against your front while you slept. she couldn’t bear to look at someone who deserved so much better than what she could ever offer. 

you meant the entire world to natasha, she would quite literally do anything to protect you. that being said, natasha felt the need to protect you from her. 

a couple of weeks after her initial push back, you noticed the way she’d flinch when you tried to hold her. it was almost invisible, but you knew natasha more intimately than anyone else ever had, which made it easier to recognize all the small things everyone else missed.

then you caught onto the fact that she started leaving the bed early in the morning, as if she was promising herself not to see you. natasha also started to work more. longer hours, nights she had to be away, and minimal effort to keep in touch kickstarted the fighting. 

just as everything else did, it started off on a smaller scale. you’d send texts clearly stating how upset you were by her choice of actions. natasha would always have some stupid excuse on hand as a response though.

things began to escalate when natasha willingly booked her days off into cheap motels that reeked of cigarettes. the redhead would often find herself sitting on the floor beside her bed, breath saturated in store-bought vodka. the russian felt cheap and disposable, just as she did when she was a kid being used by the hands of a man with no morals.

when natasha chose to go home she’d return with her hair knotted, tied loosely in a bun with an apology already made.

this went on for nearly two months before you’d finally decided enough was enough. you’d given her time, space, everything you thought might help, but she never made any attempt to reciprocate your efforts. 

so now you stood leaning against the wall across the living room, natasha anxiously settled on the couch directly in your line of view. your focus was solely on the spy. and despite her best efforts at trying to hide it, you could tell she was uncomfortable.

“i’m sorry...” she croaked, voice hoarse from her night full of crying. 

“i know you are.” 

natasha’s fingertips met the edges of her teeth, followed by the familiar sound of a snap. 

disgusting. natasha felt incredibly disgusting, which in turn made her own self-hatred rise to a level she’d never met before. because how could she? how could she sit here and make you suffer through her own self destruction? natasha knew she was causing you pain, a kind of pain you didn’t deserve.

“i wish you would talk to me and tell me what’s going on, nat. i can’t keep doing this with you and you know that.” you watched as she clenched her jaw, swallowing a breath as her leg bounced sporadically against the wooden floor. 

“i don’t deserve you. i don’t deserve you at all.” her eyes faltered.  

you bit your lip, not understanding where this was coming from. “what makes you say that?” 

“because it’s true.”

“there’s nothing true about that statement, natasha.”

“but there is!” she practically begged, “i’ve done so much wrong, damaged so many people, ruined so many lives. there’s nothing good about me, and there’s so much good in you.” 

you moved closer to her, words ready to fall from you lips about how wrong she was. noticing this, natasha began to trip and stumble upon her sentences as you enclosed your proximity. you frowned having not been used to seeing her in such distress. 

“it sucks because i love you. i love you so fucking much—” her lip began to quiver,  “—and i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry that i still selfishly need you. just please, please don’t you give me up. please don’t give up. i’ll be better, i’ll do better.”

you didn’t bother listening to the rest of what natahsa was saying because just as you’d previously stated, none of it was true. there was nothing that natasha could say that would change your mind. you knew her as the person she is, not the person she was. 

“nat? nat look at me.” you tried. 

it was only then when natasha noticed how close you were. she tried to pull away, but you were quick to stop her by by a small, fragile grasp of the wrist. 

“natasha.” 

the redhead stopped midway through her movement, green eyes trailing from your hand all the way up to meet your own. 

“yes?” her voice cracked. 

“i would never consider giving up on you, natasha. ever. don’t you know? it’s only you, my girl. i love you — only you, babe.” 

“yes, but-”

“but nothing. your past doesn’t define you. that’s what you’ve told me hundreds and hundreds of times, right? i need you to hear me out on this.” her hum was the only response you got, but you chose not to fight it.

“you are not the finished product they made you to be.” although hesitant, she nodded. “you’re good, natasha, you are. i know you’ve spent the last decade it seems, trying to make up for all the wrong that you’ve done, but at some point you have to forgive yourself. you were never at fault. i know you know that, but i need you to believe it.” 

you leaned closer, connecting your forehead with hers knowing how intimate that felt for natasha. “i don’t want anyone else. i only want you— only you, darling.”

natasha nudged her nose against yours as if she was asking for permission to kiss you, but you let her take the lead, let her take the time she needed to before she pressed her lips against yours. 

 “i love you more than you will ever know.”

you giggled into the kiss, “you’re wrong about that, natty. you know you are.” she rolled her eyes, pulling away from you to push you on your back.  

“shut up and let me appreciate you.”

you smirked, looking up at the redhead. “oh yeah? and how are you going to do that?”

“you’ll see.” 

“oh i’m sure i will.”

“yeah. you will.” 

[vinnival]

can you make uhhhhhh 👀👀👀 the main 3 + my fave amninal tiky w/ an s/o who genrally seems to be super strong and stoic, and tends to be very argumentative, but the second they think they've done something wrong they're instantly like "oh fuck im so sorry im awful oh god uh sorry" context: anxiety :)

That is so understandable I am like that too,,,, in a way

Enjoy!

Apologies!!

HANK

Ah yes. Him but stubborn

You two are always contradicting its funny

Your relationship is healthy otherwise, but when it comes to small decisions like which way to go in a building raid you always choose the other that Hank DIDN'T choose

You two would just aggressively sign at each other usually

Finally Hank would usually let you go alone

This time HE went alone the other way

Yikes bad mistake

While you, Sanford, and Deimos were hitting jackpot with new supplies, you heard several roars and then gunfire erupting from the other room

You all quickly walked in to Hank, badly wounded and cornered by three goddman MAGs

You all barely managed to kill them, and you rushed back to Hank's injured side, a blubbering mess

He was actually shocked to see you literally crumble apart, your usual cool air just... torn down

You apologized endlessly, kissing him and trying to lift him up to get him put of there

You were just about crying when he placed his hand on your chest

He directed you to his eyes, and did a "deep breath" motion

You took a couple deep breaths, yes

Once you all got home you couldn't stop cuddling him for hours, once in a while apologizing

SANFORD

This man is so goddamn stubborn i can just tell.

Its in his voice clear as day

If he thinks something is for the better, he'll act upon it and won't turn back

So when you decided to try and backflip on the kitchen table he tries to get you down

Of course, "TOO SLOW OLD MAN", you backflip

And actually landed it!

Unfortunately with Sanford's placement from missing your legs to get you down, you kicked him in the head when you landed

You immediately switched up your attitude, screeching your apology

"Babe, it's okay, that didn't even hu-" (it really didn't)

"BUT I KICKED YOU AND I SHOULDNT HAVE IM SO SORRY FUCK"

He flicks your cheek, which caught you off guard

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'm such a bad person for that!" He frowned while you rubbed your cheek

You giggled, "It didn't even hurt..."

"Exactly."

DEIMOS

Hes also very anxious but it's more minimal obviously

Otherwise with everything going wrong he'd think its because of him and start breaking down

He thought you were always so cool, always bragging about how strong you are mentally and physically, and how you can hold your ground against the Auditor even

Of course when you two had a small debate that left Deimos heated, he walked away as calmly as he could, but didn't watch where he was going

He tripped and faceplanted onto the floor

He was outside of your room by then, but you immediately realized that he mustbe tripped

Intuition amirite

You were instantly at his side, feeling horrible

"Honey, I'm so sorry! I should've kept you in there oh my god I'm so sorry! I'm so awful for that, oh m-"

"Shut up, lovingly." he cut you off

You closed your rambling mouth and stared at him in your arms while his nose bled

"It's okay. I'll be okay. You didn't do anything wrong."

Hesitantly nodding, you helped him to the bathroom to clean his bloodied nose

TRICKY

You were sadly on the run from the main 3, who were trying to kill you for associating with Tricky

Hiding behind various rocks, buildings, and cars, you tried to evade them

What you didn't know is that Deimos managed to land a tracker on you when they first cornered you

So when you managed to get a distance away from them- back at Tricky's Clown Hideout- you assumed you were safe

And you got to see Tricky again so !!! :)

You mentioned how you were chased by that three and he made a sound of both anger and worry, but his next words froze you in fear

"THEY NO TRACK YOU?"

You recalled how Deimos specifically managed to get a hand on you

"Oh, motherfuc-"

You were suddenly grabbed by the clown's cold hands and shoved behind him as an arrow whizzed at you

It landed in Tricky instead

"DOWN TO HIDEOUT. GO. MANDATORY."

You were hyperventilating as you opened the hatch

"WHERE TRACKER?" you heard, just before his hand grabbed you again and ripped off a piece of your armor

The two of you managed to get down the hatch and lock you both in while the main 3 tried to get in overhead

"Holy shit Tricky honey I'm so sorry... I-I didn't notice the tracker," you couldn't stop staring at the several arrows sticking into the clown

He tilted his head, "YOU BE OBSERVANT NEXT TIME, THAT'S ALL"

So you both sat there in the room filled with circus toys and tools, Tricky trying to console you as the main 3 just gave up, assuming you two were long gone down in a tunnel that didn't exist 🤝

Clown Hideout (superior)

I lov e tricky I want to give him a big kith and smooch (but he'd kill me i think :()

[oddaodd]

· Maimed ·

Summary: Tommy finds out Y/n had to resort to prostitution while he was away at war and doesn't handle it well. 

Author’s note: This was requested by the lovely @idgaf2022  and I just gotta say I fell in love with this request and Im very happy with how it turned out . As always, I wish you all the loveliest of days. ❤️

Warnings: mentions of prostitution, war and an accident with a knife.

·

“When where you going to tell me?” Came his voice void of all emotion. His eyes piercing through her skin.

“Tell you what?” She smiled. Her mind refusing to believe she knew what he was talking about.

“I was at The Garrison today” he began There was a man, a man I had never seen before. He spun such yarns about you ” he paused and took a look at Y/n’s face. Her smile long gone. She knew what he was talking about.

“At first I though he must be stupid to come up with such stories about my wife in my pub, but then when nobody  believed him, he mentioned the scar you have under your ribs” he spoke pointing at the place where she evidently had a scar.

“Tommy… I..I” But she couldn’t find the words, they were all held back by the knot in her throat.

The war had been hell. Everyone had lived through it differently. Tommy and his brothers and many other men had had to go and fight and Y/n and Polly and Ada and many other women had had to stay behind and run the country while the men were gone. They were dark times abundant with need and scarceness.  Y/n had tried her best to keep her and tommy’s baby daughter, Josephine away from need and hunger. Having just gotten married and had their baby, Y/n had her hands tied. She tried to help Polly as much as she could at the shop but sometimes there just wasn’t enough money which lead Y/n to charging fro her company to the men who didn’t serve. All for Jo’s sake.

When Tommy came back she never mentioned it, ready to put it behind her and every night she prayed for Tommy to never find out. All her customers had been from outside of Birmingham after all.  

“Did you seriously think I’d never find out?”

“No” she began, taking his hands in her shaky ones she wanted to, but she knew she couldn’t hide it forever. “No, but I just… I just didn’t know If I wanted you to know. I felt so ashamed and I didn’t want to bring it up when I knew I would never have to do it again. Things were hard when you left …”

“ It must have been such a sacrifice” he muttered bitterly and snatched his hands away from hers.

“How dare you?” she spat “You have no idea of how hard it was when you were away, the money from the shop just wasn’t enough!”

“Oh I bet” he said sarcastically “You’ve never liked sleeping alone.”

“Thomas...” she warned dumbfounded on the verge of tears. She couldn’t believe her own husband was making her feel like shit.

But he ignored her tone and her hurt features “Needed someone to keep your bed warm while I was away” he spat mercilessly “Or maybe you just missed the feeling of someone between your legs”

At his venomous words Y/n saw her own hand moving in slow motion before it crashed against Tommy’s cheek. She couldn’t handle him to keep talking like that, digging up a past she tried so hard to burry deep down. Her lips parted at her own actions.

When Tommy’s unchanging face fixed upon her again he noticed the tears that had so vehemently threatened to spill had finally succeed in doing so. Triggering a feeling of deep guilt deep within his soul.

“Fuck you” she spoke in a maimed voice. Tommy prepared himself for more verbal retaliation from her, but she left the room without another word and a few minutes later he heard the engine of a car shortly followed by the sound of tires moving on the gravel.

It was only then when Tommy realized he had maybe taken it too far. He wasn’t acting out of hatred. When he heard the bloke talking about how well Y/N felt snd bragging about having fucked Thomas Shelby’s wife, he felt his anger rise to levels he hadn’t known till before that unfaithful night. The man, obviously was dead before Tommy began heading home.

Nasty emotions had been festering in his mind with every kilometer he drove and when he saw Y/n when he arrived home, it all exploded.He was angry, not necessarily at Y/n, but angry at what she had done, angry at himself. He hated that he couldn’t have avoided what lead to Y/n having to do what she had done.

Y/n avoided her husband to her best efforts for the following week. Polly took her and her daughter in when she knocked crying on her door. Y/n couldn’t shake the nasty feelings Thomas had awoken within her. She couldn’t stand more than an hour without breaking into tears and her heart broke every time her little Jo looked at her with worried eyes, ignorant of what she was going through. It wasn’t something a 7 year old should know about.

Polly understood Y/n’s pain and helped her take care of Jo when she couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed.

“Your mummy’s tired. Let’s let her rest”

She had been there with her all along and when Y/n had asked her to keep her secret all those years ago, Polly obliged without question. She knew her nephew wouldn’t comprehend.

Days went by slow, heavy and cold. One Friday evening, pol had taken Jo to the movies giving Y/n a little time for herself.

Oddly enough, she felt like cooking so she made her way downstairs and began making vegetable soup. After half an hour or so she heard the front door opening.

“Was the film good?” She asked loudly hoping to hear the sound of Jo’s voice, but when she heard the footsteps coming closer to the kitchen she immediately identified them as Tommy’s  

“Please go away” she asked in such a broken voice that made Tommy contemplate on going away to not cause her further discomfort, but he stayed because he knew he had to make it right.

“We should talk” he said in an uncertain voice standing at a respectable distance from his wife.

“I don’t want to talk” she spoke shakily. Goosebumps suddenly taking over her body.

“I’m so sorry Y/n, I..”

“You made me feel like dirt” she stated as she heard his footsteps drawing nearer to her with his uncharacteristic apology.

“I spent so much time forcing myself to be alright with what I had to do keep Jo and I alive  and then to try and forget all about it when you came back” a  heavy breath holding back her years as she began chopping a carrot.

“But now you brought it back up and I... I feel so filthy, I’ve showered three times today and I don’t feel any better.” She continued as the first tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Y/n “He began softly placing a testing hand on her waist. She shook it away.

“Look at me” he pleaded

But Y/n shook her head no. Knowing he was in no place to reproach, he respected her unwillingness to look at him and spoke.

“Im so sorry, Y/n. I was selfish and didn’t stop to think about what you were feeling”

Y/n’s body continued to shake with silent sobs

“I now know I was in no place to judge what you had to do to survive and  I won’t ever forgive myself for making you hurt like this”

“Yeah you were in no place” y/n spat with sudden anger as she continued cutting the vegetables with tears in her eyes “Not when you didn’t even stop to ask me and decided to just listen to the part of the story some bloke told you and not...” she hadn’t noticed the force she was putting into her cutting skills until the knife grazed her finger.  

She yanked her hand away from the cutting board with a wince and immediately went to grab a piece of cloth to  wrap her finger in.

“Fuck, y/n” Tommy said coming to her side when he heard her wince. “Are you alright?”

She shook her head no and he knew she wasn’t answering about the cut.

“Please look at me” he tried again and to his surprise this time Y/n did tilt her face to face him.

The sight of her bloodshot eyes tore cracks in Tommy’s heart. And his hands shook a little when he cupped her face, a few tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“I love you Y/n” he professed looking into her eyes.”I’m so sorry I was so crass about it. And I promise you’ll never have to do that ever again. I’ll keep you safe”

At his words Y/n’s hands went to his. She understood and accepted his repentance, but it did little to soften the pain she felt. Tommys hands then went to tuck a few strands of her loose hair behind her ear his eyes still set on hers.

Y/n then succumbed to the sudden need she felt for his touch and embraced him with uncertain arms. Tommy corresponded instantly wrapping his own arms around her fragile figure.  After a few moments of silence and much needed touch, he asked to her ear if she could ever forgive him.

“Yes” she spoke weakly but she wasn’t entirely certain she meant it. She wanted to forgive him but she didn’t know if she could ever forget his hateful words. Tommy knew it well enough.

·

@captivatedbycillianmurphy @nyotamalfoy @peakyxtommy @writeroutoftime @lilymurphy03

[sourholland]

okay 123 on that list with tom or harry would probably make me cry

Cherry || Harry Styles

a/n: this is a favorite of mine tbh, im quite happy with the way it came out

prompt list

When Fine Line came out, an almost suffocating rush of emotions hit you hard.

Even more difficult of a pill to swallow was the fact that at least ten people had texted about Cherry. More specifically about a voicemail you’d left Harry at the end of Cherry, a very personal voicemail you’d left after reading an even more personal letter he’d written you.

Upon hearing the song, a pit immediately formed in your stomach. It was clear that he’d written the song when tabloids were following you and a fling you’d had with a guy named Noah just after breaking up with Harry. He wasn’t famous at all, his face was unfamiliar and therefore brought a great deal of attention to your relationship.

Nothing hurt more than listening to him assume that you were at a better point. Noah was sweet and sensual, he was kind and a gentleman. However, he was not Harry.

Nothing hurt more than listening to him assume that you were at a better point. Noah was sweet and sensual, he was kind and a gentleman. However, he was not Harry.

Then photos had come out of Harry standing next to fans, dressed up in the sweater you most adored. His white flared pants and skewed about curls sent your heart plummeting. At least ten unsent drafted text messages later, you turned off your phone and put his boyish smile and messy hair out of your mind.

It was like you could never escape him, even at lunch with friends or driving through the city. Someone would make a point to mention how he’d asked if you were well, or that he seemed upset since the split. This only made things worse. Your cheeks would grow hot and feverish, chest tightening at the thought of his voice. It almost pained you to tell them to report back with a simple ‘I’m fine.’

How he’d found out about Noah’s parents private art gallery, you weren’t sure. This was still unknown to you, but you could only assume it was from a mutual friend who’d mentioned it.

Listening to him make this sudden jab in the song, even months after you and Noah had gone your separate ways still hurt. It reminded you of all of the memories you’d made, all of the late nights and early mornings. Harry always woke up with a stupid grin that never ceased to make you smile.

Sitting up from your spot on the couch, you stood and padded your way through the kitchen and to the bedroom. The hardwood chilled your feet, pulse quickening for some odd reason. This was not the first time you’d done this, and most likely would not be the last.

Sitting down criss cross on the floor, you reached underneath the bed and pulled out a shoebox. Inside were the few things you liked to hold onto but not look at, the things worth remembering that just hurt too much to think about.

The top came off easy, reaching inside and pulling out the letter felt like a stab at the heart, though. Having read over this letter a hundred times, on the corners were small little indents and even a tear or two. Teardrops had long fallen onto the paper, soaking into and becoming apart it.

He addressed the letter to you. To his Cherry. A nicknames you’d gotten at four in the morning, sitting at the counter of a twenty four hour diner. Coming home from a road trip, he’d pulled into the 1950s themed restaurant and said something about how much he loved the bright pink and blue colors on the outside.

After ordering the singular milkshake that the waitress had insisted on because it was ‘far more spontaneous and romantic,’ Harry stuck two straws in the ice cream. On top was a bright red cherry, to which you picked up by the stem and bite into. After this, you pulled him by the hoodie strings and pressed a firm and very fruity tasting kiss to his lips.

Unfolding the paper, you began to read the scribbled out writing that had started to fade a bit.

Cherry,

I couldn’t tell you how sorry I am for everything that happened last night. I never meant to say any of those things, I just couldn’t stand seeing you so distraught and in pain. Seeing you cry breaks my heart, being the reason you’re crying is just so much fucking worse.

You met me at a very strange time in my life. I was hurt, mentally and emotionally. Meeting you was like coming up for air, it was like I could finally see light and I didn’t feel so weak anymore. And I love you, I hope you know that. Whatever we were fighting about is bullshit, it doesn’t matter and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. I absolutely adore you, everything about you.

Most of all, I’m sorry that I had to go to the studio early. I should’ve been able to say this all to your face, to tell you how much I need you in my life. Call me when you read this.

Yours always,

H.

Pulling out your phone, unable to fight back the tears that had long since formed in your eyes. With shaky fingers, you texted the few words and didn’t hesitate to press send. Maybe you’d regret it, but maybe you’ll have wished you’d have sent it ten years down the line.

Please come home. It's not the same without you...

[scribblemetae]

Thank you, baby | Pt 3

Description/Summery: Turns out the boy whos been stalking you for years has decided its about time he shows his face in the form of a picture, and decides its time to talk to you for real, in the form of a phone call.

Thank you, baby Masterlist | Chapter Four

Pairing: JJK x Reader  Genre: Yandere, Smut.  Word count: 9.5k

Warnings: *Takes deep breath* Sex, fingering, cheating (If you were to ask Jeongguk) depictions of an extremely unhappy family life for the reader. Using poor baby Jeongguk. Impreg!Kink (Kinda if ya squint) Dom/Sub themes but you’ll have to tell me whos who cos I have no fucking idea. Jeongguk having no idea hes delulu. LOTS of angst and sadness for the reader. A LOT of open ended questions. The reader goes on the worst and most confusing date of her life. Im sorry I DONT BELIEVE IN HAPPY FICS FFS.

And of course a huge shout out to @guktro for the beautiful banner! Im sorry if I come crying to you to make one again for me sometime haha

Why the fuck was this so complicated, so many different brands and types. Why couldn't you just walk in, pick one up and be done with it. Some companies will do  Anything to make a bit of money. You sighed picking up a few different options before going to the cash desk to pay for the 4 different types of pregnancy tests. You couldn't be too careful. You needed to know and you needed to know as soon as possible and as accurately as possible.  You didn't miss the look that the man on the cash desk gave you. You could feel the judgement all over his face. How did he have the right to judge you. He had no idea you let your stalker fuck you into your bed while you begged for more. For all he knew you were in a loving relationship and wanted to be pregnant. Fuck him and his judging looks. Where you overthinking this? Maybe it was the guilt you'd become accustomed to wracking your brain. You must have been wearing your annoyance on your face as the man was doing anything but look as he handed you your bag with a rather disgruntled look on his face. You'd like to say you didn't snatch it out of his hand and walk away as if you'd been verbally assaulted but that would be a huge lie. You couldn't help it. The last week had been the most stressful week of your life to date and that's even if you were to ignore everything going on with he who must not be named. Your family life was in shambles. Your family was arguing over god knows what this time so your parents thought it was a great time to question you on your life choices thus far.  Truth of the matter was, your parents were pushy. From birth they pushed religion. They pushed marriage. They pushed abstinence. They pushed your life into the perfect idea of a Christian lifestyle and it just. Wasn't. You. You loved you mum and dad but with their constant disapproval of your lifestyle you had to start pushing them away a little bit.  You wouldn't class yourself as overly strong or overly determined, you were a little shy and didn't always know the right things to say. Growing up you always stood in the corners of party's and made sure you went as unnoticed as possible but you always made choices to do with your life that you wanted. Not the ones other people push upon you and you were always proud of that. You just wish your parents felt the same way. And my God you wish she'd stop asking when you were going to find a man and have a baby. This just wasn't the week.  It was a constant reminder of what you had done. Your anxiety was through the roof already worrying about it and that was all your mum was asking about lately. 'Baby this, baby that'. "Excuse me" You jump as you're pulled out of your thoughts as the woman behind you was trying to get past. You'd stopped dead in your tracks getting caught up in your thoughts. You needed to go home and you needed to find out if you were pregnant as soon as possible.  The walk home felt like it had taken hours but it had only been 10 minutes. Your mind drifting back to why you were in this situation in the first place. It's all you've been able to think about the past week and that was issue number two. God you didn't want to think about it but it made you so weak. His cock was so big and thick. So hard and when he fucked you,God he was a whimper mess. The fact you took his virginity was not only so ridiculously fucked but it was so hot as well. You're not sure why but everytime you think about it being the first time he'd fucked anybody your pussy clench and you could feel it tingle. It was disgusting of you. You needed to date and you needed to do it quickly. You needed to have sex with somebody so you weren't thinking about him in anyway. You haven't dated anybody in so long. You had flings growing up, you did everything you could to calmly rebel against your parents and that meant having sex. That was always the one thing you knew would annoy them. It was childish of course but you were a teenager and you did lots of stupid things back then. It was when jeongguk arrived on scene that you stopped dating. You were always too scared to leave the house in case he saw you or did something. How things have changed since. As you opened the door to your house you saw nothing out of the ordinary.  Everytime you came home you found yourself looking around for anything that had been changed or moved. You occasionally found yourself searching for him to see if he'd locked himself in your house again waiting for you. Since he'd become so much bolder you wouldn't put anything past him anymore. At one point you'd become complicit with him. Knowing he'd do nothing more than write stupid letters. You never imagined you were this wrong and even worse you would never have believed you would let it happen or even beg for it. You shook your head once again trying to rid yourself of the thoughts. You dumped all the tests onto your coffee table trying to gather courage to take one. You didn't think you'd be this nervous. You were so busy thinking about taking one that you didn't once stop to think about what happens afterwards. What if it was positive, what if you were pregnant. *buzz buzz* You turned to look at your phone on your sofa and quickly answered it. Secretly glad it was there to distract you and my God did it deliver as a distraction. Turns out work needed somebody to cover today and luckily you had absolutely nothing extremely important to do right now. You were up and out of your house quicker than you ever have for a shift that any other day you would usually have said no to.

He watched you leave. A little bit disappointed that he wasn't going to get to see you more today. You'd only just got home, he felt sad that you were so busy. He wanted you to be able to relax but no, you were running around everywhere. His poor baby. Maybe he should go in and run you a bath, with bubbles and candles. Yes that would be so romantic. That would make up for everything he did wrong that night. He'd felt so bad ever since. All he'd ever wanted was to be good for you but that night he was bad. He wasn't romantic at all. He was worried that you'd think he was only in it for sex. He was trying to think of ways to be more romantic and this was a perfect time. He knew you'd love it and at least see that he was trying. As he walked into your house he was becoming extremely familiar with the layout. He knew where your bathroom was and went straight to it.  No bubble bath. Oh baby, why don't you ever make time for self-care. It made him sad, you were a queen. You should be pampered. You should never have to lift a finger and should be constantly in comfort and you didn't even have bubble bath. He needs to be better for you. He needs to start getting things right so he can worship you the way you always should have been and that starts with going to buy you some bubble bath. You'd be so proud of him if you could see his thought process. His smile beamed when he thought about how happy you would be when you got home. As he walked back towards the front door he couldn't help but notice the mess on the table. Maybe just a small clean before he goes. So you don't have to bother with it when you get home. As he walked towards the table he noticed straight away what was there.  "You're pregnant, baby"  Of course. He came inside you. How could he be so stupid not to think that this could happen. All this time he was busy fantasising about that night. About how deep he was and how you begged he didn't even think about what could happen. He was so happy it did. You were going to have his baby. You'd be his forever. You'd never be able to leave and you'd forever be together. He was a good boy that night after all. He'd made you a family. He came so deep inside you he'd given you his baby. Fuck his cock was getting so hard thinking about it but no. No, now he had things he really had to do. He didn't know when you'd be back so he had to be so quick. Fuck you were going to have his baby. He was basking in the glory of the thoughts of it as he walked out the door ready to prepare for your new life as a family.

Work was hard but my god was it needed. When things are busy it does its job of taking your mind off everything but then, inevitability hit you. You couldn't stay at work for ever and soon you were going to have to go home, face facts and take a pregnancy test. You'd never had to take one before. You'd never got yourself in this situation. Always so careful that youd never had unprotected sex before. Maybe that's why he felt so good. That's why you could feel every inch inside you. Shut up stop. Before you knew it you were walking home in the dark again dreading what was to come and finding out what was going to be in your future. As you opened the door you froze on your spot. "Omg. Omg no" As soon as your brain caught up with your body you dashed in picking the gifts up from your table. "For our little baby" A teddy, a child's Teddy. Baby clothes sprawled out everywhere along with flowers in a vase in the middle of the table.  He was here today. Today of all days and he thinks you're pregnant. You hadn't taken the tests so why was he so sure.  You grabbed the teddy holding a heart in its hands and threw it towards the wall shouting.  The vase of flowers followed going straight into the bin and as you went back to do the same with the clothes your anger started to bubble up inside. Fuck him, what does he have to say this time. He's always got something to say doesn't he. Your anger and fear were starting up strong. Your week seemed to go from bad to worse and there seemed to be no end. The phone he’d given you also left on the table with a message on the screen, so he did have something to say.

"Fuck, baby. Were going to be a family. You're having my baby. I can't wait till we're living together in our cosy house. We have our baby cuddling together on the sofa. We will get to put them to bed. Read the books. Tuck them in tight and then make more. We could have so many.  Everytime I cum inside you we could have a new little baby and you loved it so much when I came inside you I know we'd be making so many.  I'm so excited. I'll do everything for you. I'll make sure you're happy. Make this the easiest pregnancy anybody has ever had. I bought some things for them. We might as well start now Can't wait to dress them up and give them all my love. Give you all my love. I've been practising edging for you baby. Learning so that I dont cum so fast the next time we make love. Fuck it hurts so much sometimes but I'm getting so much better. Everybody warned me that if I didn't have sex I'd be no good when I finally met my love. Little did they know I'd already met you.  I'm glad I didn't listen. Glad I had you to take my virginity. I don't care if I came fast, It was a gift I was able to give you and nobody else. Next time I want you to tell me what you like. How you like to be fucked. I'll do it. I'll do it all for you. Fuck baby I can't wait till you've got a baby belly.  I love you, can't wait to see you Jk"

You squeezed the phone so hard in your hand you swore it could brake. Fuck him. Fuck this. You know you should never have let him fuck you but this was getting ridiculous. You didn't even know if you were pregnant.  That's right You didn't even know. Where did he put the tests? You walk around your living room. No luck. Not in your bedroom or your kitchen. As you walk into the bathroom it smells beautiful. Raspberry you were sure. The lights were off but you could see the bubbled up bath in the reflection of the fairy light jars that were lit around it. They weren't yours. A towel was left out. It also wasn't yours. Right next to the bath were the pregnancy tests. You grabbed them and ripped them open using them straight away. You had been waiting to do this so you refused to go to the bathroom while you were at work. You couldn't risk not needing to go when you were finally ready to find out and while the anger rushed through your body, you knew you were ready to find out. You needed to know. Holy shit why does this take so long. The box was lying. There was no way this was only 3 minutes. While you were waiting in the bathroom you pulled the plug on the bath, turned the lights on and the fairy light jars off. The more you looked at what he did the angrier you got. You watched the pregnancy test as one line appeared in the results window and you'd never felt more relieved as you did. Negative. It was negative. You started to laugh picking it up making sure you were seeing it correctly. Your smile was huge. Bigger than you smiled in weeks. A weight had been lifted off your shoulders.  You weren't having a baby. You weren't having his baby.  Your laughs got a little louder as you walked from your bathroom to your bedroom but as you laid on your bed your laughs died down and you started to fall asleep. Faster than you had all week.

The loud banging in your door woke you up quickly. You fell asleep in your clothes. You're disgusting. You chuckled a little bit at yourself at the fact. It's the first time you've woken up without a huge sense of dread. "I'm coming" You shout towards your door as you rub your eyes. Thank god your house was small. You slowly slouched out of bed dragging your feet to the door as you opened it, and as you do you're immediately pushed out of the way as your mother barged in past you. "Morning lovely" she looked behind herself as she walked in realising you weren't magic and actually had to open the door to let her in. Typical. She's all bright and happy this morning. "What on earth do you look like" Nevermind. "Hunny, you'll never find a man if you walk around looking like that on a day to day basis" "Hi mum lovely to see you" You pushed the door shut as you walked back into the room to look at her. "What're you doing here?" You didn't want to sound rude but it wasn't like her to show up randomly uninvited. Even if most of the time she invites herself. "Aren't i allowed to come see my daughter" She holds her arms out waiting for you to give her a hug, you accept the gesture. You could really do with one to be honest. Sadly this hug was cut short. "____, what on earth?" You were pushed forward as she turned you around "Are you?" "Omg no, I'm not mum its" She walked forward past you and picked up the baby clothes jeongguk had left there. You were so mad at yourself for not moving them but you had no idea your mother would be around in the morning. Fuck how do you explain this away. "For our little baby" your mum read the little bit of card that came with the teddy. Fuck fuck fuck. "Its not mine it's for one of the girls at work." "You're having a baby with a girl from your work. Hunny I didn't even know you were" "Mum stop omg. Its not 'Ours'" How do you explain this away? "It's from her boyfriend" Sketchy cover up but it should do "And you have it because?" "Because he's getting everything together. He's going to try and surprise her" Y'know what, that lie was pretty good actually. "Oh well that's good, you'll be free for a date with Jae tomorrow night then" Wait what. Why did your mother always insist on hooking you up with people. "Mum i'm working tomorrow night" That was absolutely a lie but it's a good go to when you wanna get out of something. "No you aren't you messaged me 4 days ago telling me you were free. That's when I planned it" Fuck You spent the next half an hour having the usual 'I don't need to go on dates' conversation with her until you gave up. Infact, maybe. Just. Maybe. It could be a good thing. You've been saying you need to meet somebody. Get you away from your thoughts of Jeongguk. This could be the perfect way to do it. You wouldn't be caught dead saying it outloud but, maybe your mother's right. You always debated in your mind telling your family about your situation, maybe they could help and fix everything but to put it nicely, your relationship with your family was very mood dependent. You loved your Mum and your Dad but they only really showed love back to you when you were doing exactly what they wanted you to do. You never took on their religious beliefs. You never wanted to get married and have babies, Ugh babies, thinking about them still makes you feel a little bit sick. They weren’t extreme christians like some of the people you met growing up but it was enough to get in the way of your relationship with them. Your sister followed in their path and became an extremely devout christian. Your sister… huh… it's been awhile since you've seen her or even spoken to her. She's far too busy with her life to check in on you.  You remember bringing it up to her, just once. That you thought somebody was following you around but she paid no mind, telling you that you were being ridiculous and that's what stopped you telling anybody else. You wanted to go to the police but what would they say or do, without evidence there was nothing. You had the notes and you kept them all just in case but things just kept going and you never made the move to taking action. Can you imagine trying to do it now? After everything you've done. You’d be just as much to blame as him. “Honey, do you?” “Do I eh-” Your Mum pulled you out of your thoughts. It's not exactly odd behavior for you, she always commented on how you go caught up in your dreams. If only she knew it was more along the lines of dread, “-Sorry, do I what?” “Do I tell him to message you, i've already given him your number and told him where you live, he should be coming to pick you up tomorrow night” “That kind of leaves me with no choice doesn’t it” You pick yourself up off your feet and walk to the kitchen to make yourself and your mum a drink. It's not like she was going to leave any time soon. When she came round she liked to divulge in everything going on in everybody in your family's life. It was actually kinda nice when she was on one of her good days and having people in your house took you off edge a little bit. It felt, safer. 

Jungkook really wishes he wasn’t watching in on your house at this very moment. He noticed you talking to a woman through the window. You don’t usually wake this early, what else had he missed. The baby clothes were still on the table and he couldn’t help but smile. You loved them as much as he did. He was quickly drawn away from his happiness when he hears the conversation you're having with the woman he recognizes as your Mum.  For the first time in a very long time he had a distaste towards her. You’re going on a date? You’re cheating on him? You would never do that if it wasn’t for her. She was so controlling over you. He couldn’t help the tear that was falling down his face. No, no way was he going to let you make this mistake. You’d feel so guilty if you knew how he felt about this. You were just saying this to make your Mum happy right. You weren’t actually going to go date somebody else. Jae. The name was on the forefront of his mind. Fuck Jae. There's not a chance he's going to get anywhere near you. He's not going to let him come in and destroy his relationship. His family.  You were having a baby. His heart warmed for the 1000th time thinking about it turning quickly into a scowl. No. No this wasn’t happening. He felt something he’d never felt before regarding you. He felt threatened. So many people had come on to you before but you’d never entertained it so he never had to worry. Even if he occasionally made sure they would leave you alone for good just for good measure to help you out. Now, now you were entertaining it and his heart hurt, even if you were only doing it for her. Her, how dare she do this. This needs to stop, he had to do something about it before his heart broke in half. He didn’t know if he should scream or cry, turns out he was doing both as he walked away from your window back to his home wondering how he would fix this situation as well as the witch that was your mother.

Your day went pretty quickly. It was so nice having somebody to talk to, taking your mind off everything that had happened, even if it was just for a day. It was also so nice just getting to talk to your Mum without having arguments over this and that and babies and husbands and making the right choices in life and wearing the right clothes. The last time you spoke to her wasn’t pleasant so you’re glad you could just sit back and forget about it. It makes you feel like maybe you could trust her with everything. Someday. Not just yet. Before you knew it, it was 6 o’clock. It had been 9 hours and you were still in your pajamas cuddled up with a hot chocolate watching TV with your Mum. You were actually kinda sad when she told you that she had to get back to your Dad so when she left you gave her a huge hug and you felt the warmth coming from her. Maybe things could be good with you guys after all. As you said goodbye you plonked yourself back on your sofa, and just sat in silence. Thinking of nothing. Your mind was blank and you welcomed it pleasantly. You hoped things could stay this simple just for a little while but when you opened your eyes reality hit you straight away. The baby clothes are still sitting on the table bringing you back to the state of sadness. You didn’t know if you should shout or cry, turns out you were doing both as you walked back to your bedroom wondering how you mood could so easily switch. Your emotions were all over the place and they had been your entire life. They’re what got you into this mess in the first place. Not being able to control your emotions. You wiped the gentle tears that had fallen down your face and started to look in your wardrobe for if there was anything you could wear on your date. You didn’t know where you were going or who you were going with but it was just something to take your mind off all the shit and make you feel that happy feeling again, and it worked. The rest of the night you spent with yourself, playing around with your make-up, trying on different outfits  until eventually it was time to go to sleep ready for the day ahead of you.

Your phone must have buzzed about half a million times waking you from your sleep, one was the alarm you forgot to turn off for work but the others confused you. As you look at the clock on your bedside table it reads 8am. Who the hell was messaging you at 8am. You groaned as you pulled your phone up from the floor where it was charging. A phone call. Usually you don’t answer unknown numbers but you were far too tired to even think about it as you answered the call whilst also rubbing your eyes trying to wake up. “Hel-” You start coughing warming up your voice “-Hello” “Oh Hi, is this ___” “Is it” You lay on your back on your bed keeping the phone to your ear. “Oh good, Hello its, Jae” “Oh, oh sorry I completely forgot” “Its okay I probably woke you, I just wanted to call to let you know I’ll be picking you up around 6 Oclock and i'll be taking you for food. Thought it would be best to let you know what would be going on for tonight” You couldn’t help the smile that crept on your lips, he seemed sweet.  “Oh, thank you very much Jae, I look forward to it” There wasn’t much more to the conversation, just your simple ‘It will be nice to meet you’ and that kind of thing before you hung up on each other. As you pulled the phone down and smiled to yourself, you felt hope for the first time. This was going to be good. You knew it. As you wake yourself up fully you pull yourself to the bathroom to go to the toilet and brush your teeth. It was only as you were brushing your teeth you notice the phone with the message symbol at the top of the notifications. You grab it with your free hand and start to read it.

  “Baby, Other men aren’t good for you. They’ll never look after you the way I can.  I know you don’t really wanna cheat on me, you were just trying to make your mum happy but think of us. Think of the baby. Our baby. God, I can’t wait. I’ll come round tomorrow night so i can see you. I’ll be at yours for about 7 O'clock. We can talk about everything.  Plan names for the baby, take your mind off everything  I'll make sure your mother never forces anything on you ever again. I'll run you another bath. I hope you liked it, I hope it made you feel relaxed. I'll show you how no other man can do for you what I can.  I'm not very good in bed yet but i'm learning for you. I hope that's not why you're seeking other men, I hope it's not because I was a bad boy. I'm a good boy. I promise I've been learning how to make you feel good. I’ve watched so much porn, read so many books just looking for different things I know you might like. I can show you, you can tell me. Just let me know what you want me to learn. I'm yours to use a mold into the perfect partner, perfect play thing if that's what you want. I'll come see you.  Surprise you.  I promise JK

Of course he knew, why wouldn't he. He knows everything about your life. Why would this be any different? He wasn't going to ruin your mood. He was going to come tonight? Let him. You'd be out on your date anyways so why would it matter. He wasn't going to hang around for hours waiting for you to get back. He never did. From what you've noticed whenever he comes to you house its small intervals or purposefully when you're at work  No, he's not going to ruin yet another thing for you. Infact. Fuck him completely. You take the phone and run it under the tap that you're brushing your teeth under and spit the rest of your toothpaste from your mouth directly on the phone. You were done with him. From a fast and interesting day yesterday to a slow and nerve wracking one today. You couldn't concentrate on much. You'd put so much pressure on yourself that tonight was going to go well. He seemed sweet on the phone but he knew your mother. That could only mean bad news to you. She didn't expand her circles far so that means he's a son of a friend or she randomly pulled somebody from the street in desperate need to get somebody to date you. Both seem equally likely. She's done it before, you don't doubt that she'd do it again. You could help but keep checking the clock. Not wanting to start getting ready too early but panicking that you might leave it too late. How do you do dates again?Ugh. As much as you always wanted to find somebody to share your life with, dating was always the worst part, you went back and forth from watching tv, playing games on your laptop flicking through youtube that at 4 Oclock you thought it might be a good time to get dressed and sorted. Hair? Done, you decided to go with the complete opposite of how you would usually have it. Doing nothing made it look like you weren't making an effort in your head, not that he’d know how you would usually have it. Clothes? Casual, jeans and a nice top. The classic. Dresses and skirts were never really your thing. Not for a first date anyways. You want to show him who you really are and wearing something overly fancy felt a little bit disingenuous. You kept switching between tops but finally settled on a slightly V-necked black top. Nothing fancy but enough to be just a tiny bit cheeky. You were hoping this date could go somewhere. Somewhere that would take your mind of JK. It wasn’t long until there was a knock at your door and you couldn’t help the butterflies forming in your stomach. It wasn’t him that made you nervous. It was the entire idea of a blind date. You took a deep breath as you opened the door and there he was. He was adorable. Floppy blonde hair falling in front of his face, round glasses that cover all of his face and magnify his small eyes to you, he was dressed smart, jeans and a shirt. He had given you a fantastic first impression. God you hoped more than ever that this date was going to go well. In his hands were flowers, Red roses, one of your favourite flowers. He reached them out towards you gently handing you the flowers. “___, You look lovely” Your smile filled your face as you took the flowers. “Jae, lovely to meet you. Thank you” You blushed so hard. You could feel your face heat up. You couldn’t believe it. You don’t blush. Ever. This was too good to be true for you. He was such a lovely person. He drove, that was always a plus and when he opened your side of the car door first, you ticked off your list of imaginary perfection as you settled in. He made small talk. Nothing too serious. Not enough to really get to know him but enough to stop the drive being awkward. Where did your Mum find him? You can't believe you're enjoying the company of somebody your Mother suggested. As you rocked up to where you were eating you were surprised. It wasn't some fancy restaurant but a small quaint cafe that sold food as well. It was cute but busy. You supposed that meant it was good. He walked you in and you both sat at the very back of the cafe and started to order your food. Jae ordered for you, you usually wouldn’t like that but you know he was just trying to be polite so you let it slide. Besides he knew the food here much better than you did so it would be a good idea to take his recommendation.  The date was going well. He told you he was in fact the son of one of your parents friends from the church. When he mentioned being religious you’d be lying if you said you weren't slightly thrown off. You had nothing against religious people but you wanted your life to be separated from it but, I guess if the guys were nice enough it was never going to be a deal breaker for you. He talked about how his parents and your parents and a few of the other church goers children all became friends and were a close group growing up. You don’t know why but, that kinda made you sad. Like you were left out. It didn’t help the part of you that always felt like a loner growing up. You hadn’t become a part of your parents church life growing up because you wanted to distance yourself but when that's all your family really did, it did leave much more for you to do. You spent most of your days listening to music in your bedroom. You remember one time you decided to go to your parents get togethers. It was boring, you stood there in the corner not really talking to anybody. You left very early on telling your parents you weren't feeling well. You knew it was your choice to not be involved in any of this but, that didn't stop you from feeling left out. “Oh, hey Jae” You heard a voice that sent shivers down your spine and your eyes bugged out. “Oh Jeongguk, Hey how are you doing?” As you turned your head there he was, walking towards your table. Your mouth felt like it had been sewn shut. What the hell was he doing here. How did he even know you’d be here. Panic started to set into you as you turned back around to Jae about to speak. About to explain to him tha… Wait. Did they just say each other's names? “___, This is Jeongguk” He went to sit down next to Jae across from you. How long had you been silent? Surely Jae could see the complete confusion and concern written across your face, but it wasn't Jae who addressed it. “___, Are you okay, it's good to see you” “Oh, you know ___?” “Yeah, of course we go way back, ever since we” “We met-” You had to stop him talking. You didn’t know him well enough to know what he was going to say but you knew it wouldn’t be good”-we met through work”  Your voice must have been louder than you were anticipating since when you spoke, Jae seemed to jump a little bit. Jeongguks face fell. He seemed so disappointed in what you had said proving to you that he was indeed going to say something else. “No, we met through your mums church group remember ___” What the fuck, how did Jeongguk know about your mums church group and why was he even here. “Ahem, Jeongguk. I’m on a date, what are you doing here” It felt strange addressing him this way. This is somebody you’d slept with and this was the first time you’d had a true conversation with him that wasn't over the phone or wasn’t you screaming at him, im pleasure or annoyance. He was wearing a soft looking pink jumper and black ripped jeans. He looked adorable. “Oh, sorry ___, I invited him-” He looked back towards Jeongguk and smiled “Church rules that on dates you should always bring somebody along you know, to make sure nothing gets to inappropriate” Your confusion was deepend. Jae and Jeongguk knew each other. Jeongguk knew about your parents church groups. He was supervising your date. Your confusion lasted about 46 seconds until it hit you. It hit you and my god did it make you feel sick to your stomach. “You’re part of my parents church group” His face didn’t feel familiar before now but now, now you can ever so slightly place it.Him sat in the pews of his parents church. It's not much but it's something.  “___, Are you okay you seem off” Jae, the poor boy must be so confused. You’re usually a better actor than this but you were just figuring out things that you’d never known before. How long has he really been around for. Does he know your family? Did he set all of this up? “Jae, we don’t need a chaperone. Were both adults here” “Oh but isn’t that the problem, wouldn’t want this to turn into anything else would we. You’re a very pretty girl ___” At that you could see Jeongguk clench his jaw and raise his voice ever so slightly. “Pro-life or Pro-Choice Jae” Jeongguk just looked at Jae and gave a twisted smile. You were about to stop this entire shambles of a date and scream at Jeongguk when Jae gave his answer. “Life of course Jeongguk, what a weird question” “Wait what” You shook your head looking at Jae extremely surprised by his answer. There's a lot of things you can overlook in a person but this opinion wasn’t one of them “___, you’re not really pro-choice are you. That's not what God intended” That was it. You weren’t dealing with this shit anymore. Why would you get your hopes up for anything in your life anymore. You screamed at Jae for his ignorance as he decided to leave. Leaving you stood there angry. Breathing heavy as tears rolled down your face. “And you. Get the fuck out of my face” A once smiling Jeongguk was now looking in despair. He couldn’t believe you had directed your anger towards him; he didn’t understand what did he do? He got you out of this mess. That's what you wanted “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again. This is your fault. This is all your fucking fault.” “Baby, I was just trying to help you, trying to get you out of this date. Trying to stop you cheating on me you’d regret it so bad baby especially since were having a baby” You were frozen in anger and bewilderment. How did he still think of you and him this way. What more did you have to do or say to make him understand that you and him have never been a thing, and why the fuck was he still going on about you having a baby. He knows everything in the world about you but not the fact that you weren’t pregnant.  “Jeongguk, I am not and will never be having. Your. fucking. Baby”  Every word was punctuated with anger laced in venom. Hand coming across his face as you slapped him. Tears rolling down his face. Hand pressed against where your hand had just been. You didn’t feel bad. You didn’t feel sorry. Even if there were lots of people watching the disaster unravel at your table. You didn't care. You turned around and you ran. You ran away as fast as you could away from all of this.

Two hours had passed. First you just walked. Walked down the streets, tears falling down your face. You didn’t know what to do or where to go. Nowhere was safe for you. Especially not your home. Maybe you could go see your Mother. Maybe you could tell her and she would understand. No, not yet,besides did she know Jeongguk? He knew Jae, he knew your family's life. He was part of it somehow. You needed answers from somebody, maybe she could help and give you answers to guide you on what to do. You had some many questions in your head and so you just walked and walked and so you continued walking until the tears stopped falling and you were in front of your doorstep at your house. It was dark and foggy outside. You looked at your phone and saw your missed calls of your mum and dad. Maybe they heard about what had happened and wanted to make sure you were okay. You didn’t feel like talking. You’d call them tomorrow. As you turned the door handle to your front door and walked into your house there he was. Stood there, flowers in his hands. Red roses and Yellow sunflowers. How did he know. He always managed to one up everybody else because he just knows everything. Just like the question he asked Jae. He knew exactly what to ask and what to say to really make your blood boil and that's what really made you hate him. He could use everything he knew against you where you've only just learnt his name “Get out”  You hadn’t even got in the house yet and you were walking towards him screaming. You needed this night to be over you needed it all to stop. “Baby please” He looked so fragile. How dare he look that way after everything he's done. Pink jumper making him look so soft and small but that is not it. That wasn’t him at all. “Jeongguk get the fuck outta” Your words were cut off as he slammed you against the wall. It hurt, there was so much force. You were shocked. You didn’t expect him to do that and you didn’t expect him to be so strong. For the first time in a long time. You were scared of him. “Baby is okay I forgive you. I forgive you baby I know you didn’t mean to slap me, it was my fault” He pushed his forehead up against yours looking deep into your eyes. You didn’t know what to say. You had no more tears left to cry. You were so scared to say anything so you let him ramble on. “Baby girl is all gonna be okay. I'm sorry as well okay. I should have trusted you. Should have known you wouldnt cheat me. I know you would have dealt with him but when he called you pretty. I lost it. Needed you to hear the one thing I knew you’d hate about him” His knowledge on you was insane. Nobody knew you this well. Nobody paid so much attention to you. “I got needy, Needed you to know nobody is better for you than me but its okay now. It's all okay” He started stroking your hair as he was talking. You were lost. Stuck in his touch. “Its okay about the baby. We can try again. Is that why you were in such a weird mood? God I wish i’d have known, you bad mood makes so much sense now baby but It's okay, its okay. We can try until you really do get pregnant” His words snapped you out of it. No, no this wasn’t going to happen again. You pushed him off you ready to scream when you heard a knock and a shout at the door *Thud Thud Thud* “___, Open this door. Open this door right now” Your mom's voice ran through the house. What on earth was she doing? And before you knew it she opened the door, looking straight at you and Jeongguk staring at each other. “___-” she looked side to side trying to figure out what was going on”-Jeongguk” “You fucking know him” You didn’t mean to swear at her. Usually you wouldn't. She’d understand later when you explained. Or at least you thought. “Don't you dare talk to me like that!-” She pointed at you stalking towards you as she yelled “Not after everything you did tonight. I've had Jaes parents on the phone telling me what a rude a vial little girl you were” “I'm not a little girl” Little girl. You were in your mid twenties and yet when your parents were mad at you they would both refer to you as a little girl. It was your most hated phrase you’d ever heard come out of anybody's lips. “How dare you ruin yet another chance of being a normal nice person” You shouldnt be hurt by her words but you were. This wasn’t the first time you heard her say such a thing and it still stung as bad as the first time. Maybe it was because of the day you had with her yesterday. Why did you think for a second she'd be calling you because she cared. Because she was worried. All she was ever worried about was how you made her look to other people. Your lip started to quiver as a tear ran down your cheek, yet again filled with disappointment. Knowing you were such a disappointment  “Mum ple-” “Shut up. You go around. You bring shame on us all. Me, your father, your sister. Why can’t you just settle down and have a child. Find a man and give up this pathetic excuse of a life. You’re never going to find somebody to love you if you don't start acting appropriately” You wanted to shout back but another voice cut you off. A calm but menacing voice “Don’t you ever speak to her like that. Ever again” You mum stops looking at you for the first time since she started shouting and gives all her attention to Jeongguk who walks towards the door. “For your information I love her no matter what and I always will. We’re trying for a baby, we were actually going to until you rudely interrupted walking in uninvited.” You saw your mum scoff at that. She may have wanted you to have a baby but she also didn’t like the idea of you having sex before marrage and as much as you hated everything Jeongguk was saying. You couldn’t help but get a rise out of her reaction as well.  Jeongguk kept talking to your mother about something that you weren’t understanding. You were too busy thinking about what she was saying. You felt beaten and destroyed. Your life wasnt working out, she was right. Maybe you should just find a man and have a baby and do what everybodys been telling you to do all these years. You started crying eyes close until you felt a pair of lips on your own. Jeongguk. You pushed him away straight away in shock. You couldn’t do this. Couldn't deal with it all and yet in your haze. Behind your tears you find yourself pulling him back. Your mum thought you should have a baby. Fine, you would and luckily there was a man in front of you more than willing to provide. His mouth clashed against yours. He was soft and slow but you wanted him to be rough with you. You wanted him to kiss you until you couldn’t think anymore. It was messy, mainly on your end. You could tell he was trying not to get carried away. You needed to speed this up. “Jeongguk” You pulled on the back of his hair making him look you in the eyes. They were glassy. Full of adoration. Just where you needed him. “Fuck a baby into me” His groan was loud as he grabbed you kissing you harder. It was messy. You could tell he hadn't done this before but it was turning you on so much. He was yours to defile and corrupt. He was yours to take away the pain of the night. If he was going to cause you so much pain then he’d also be the one to fix it. “Can I take you to your bed baby, can we do this right?” He words were shaky. That confidence he once had was gone. You took his hand and pulled him towards your bedroom and threw him on the bed straddling him grinding yourself on him.  Your lips attacked his again and Jeongguks hands were all over your body exploring you. “Wait please wait ___” As he stopped you, you sat up and looked down at him. He looked so helpless it was adorable. “We need to do it right this baby, I wanna make you feel so good. Make love to you while we make baby” You wanted to lie to yourself and say his words meant nothing to you. Wanted to believe you were only doing this to get back at your mum but you’d be lying. He turned you on so much and no matter how much you know he shouldn’t you can’t stop it. You can’t control it. “How do you want me baby?” “Take your top off please, wanna play with your tits. Wanna play with you so bad.” You do as he says straight away, throwing it across the room. He's slow and hesitant but your patience is wearing thin. His words shooting straight to your core making your underwear so wet is was uncomfortable. You grab both his hands and hurry them towards your breasts making him squeeze them.  Next thing you knew you were on your back and he was on top of you “Stop”  His voice was demanding and firm and you immediately stopped watching him above you stare into your soul. “I’m not rushing this baby please. Please don't make me rush this” He’s kissing down your neck towards your nipple kissing around it dragging his tongue over it. You can’t help the gasp that leaves your lips as he attaches his mouth slightly grazing your nipple with his teeth. “Don't want- *slurp*- Don't want you - *Ughh* - to be mad at me baby* He talks while wetly slurping and moaning around your nipple. Its like he'd never seen tits before yours and it's only as he does to play with the other one you remember that he probably hasn’t “Wanna be a good boy for you-*Ughh* wanna make you cum* “If you wanna make me cum Jeongguk your gonna have to touch me” His eyes look up towards you not removing your nipple from his mouth until his next words. “Call me baby, call me your good boy” “Baby touch me” Why were his words having such an effect on you? You'd never heard a man moan the way he his as he quickly rushed his hands down your jeans into your underwear as he attempts to finger you, His finger was dry and rough so it hurt “Baby, baby stop stop” He looked scared when you asked him to stop “Don't make me stop please ___ I dont wanna stop” He tries to push his finger in deeper as you grab at his wrist and stop him “You’re to eager baby calm down-” You sit up. Him moving to his knees, hands still firmly in your jeans stroking your pussy, making you slightly light headed as you unbutton your jeans and pull them down to your knees so you could open your legs. You laughed when his eyes went down towards where his fingers were deep inside you groaning and moaning. God you missed his moans so much you kissed him. Wanted them all for yourself. His untrained kisses were so cute and soft and before he knew it you pulled his finger out of you and pushed it between your lips wrapping your tongue around his finger. “Gotta get it wet first baby” He couldn’t take his eyes off your tongue and it made you giggle. You kept your hand on his as you guided it back down to your entrance, with your finger still against his you pushed it inside of you and your head luls back. His pretty tattooed fingers were so long your eyes rolled back and you let out a long moan. “Rub me there omg Jeongguk your fingers are so long” You pushed your finger up in turn making him push his up and you're in ecstasy very quickly. “Oh god yes it feels so good” You could see him shuffling on the bed, his legs either side of the arm that was holding you up and then you felt him. Felt him grind against you as his fingers were still working inside you along with your own. The position was awkward but fuck was it hot. He couldn’t help but grind against you for friction. “Fuck you needy baby so needy” Your faces were level with each other as you looked towards him to watch him hump your lower arm and he looked in pain.  “Baby you can fuck me now if you want” Suddenly you were thrown back again on the bed as Jeongguk pushed his fingers in deep making you scream. “Yess, scream for me please. Am I being a good boy?” “Jeongguk youre such a good boy fuck” His speed was relentless, he might not be the best kisser or the best and starting out but when he got started he really knew what he was doing. “I've watched so much porn for you baby, wanted to learn. Did you get my texts, are you proud of me?” You weren't coherent anymore. His fingers were so deep you could feel it tingling in your toes. You grabbed the bedsheets and you screamed for him. You couldn't focus on saying anything. “Baby, pleaseeeee” His wined so loud as he rubbed your insides pushing another finger in and you were gone. Cumming all over his fingers your body was jumping all over the place as the pleasure exploded inside of you. You had no rest, Jeongguk didn't get his answer and he was desperate for his answer. He flipped you onto your stomach and pulled your top off and the rest of your pants down as he climbed on top of you pushing his cock into your entrance. “Tell me you're proud of me baby. Tell me you're proud. Tell me your proud FUck. PLEASE” His pace was relentless and you were trapped between his legs. Only thing you could do was lie there and take the pleasure he was giving you. You’d forgotten how thick his cock was. He filled you up so good you could barely breathe. “So proud of you baby. You’re a good boy” “Your good boy AHhha Yes yes fuck, Your good boy” You’d never been fucked so hard and rough. His hands were firmly placed on your hips as he thrust in and out of you. You couldn't control what your body was doing anymore. Your legs in the air behind him as you raised your hips ever so slightly, inviting him even deeper inside of you. “Fuck baby im sorry, its so. Different when. Its FUCK. you I wanna cum, wanna cum. Wanna fill you up and make a baby with you.” There it was. Exactly what you were here for. “Fuck yes baby boy give me your cum, give me all your cum. Get me pregnant, give me your baby Yesss Shiiit!” You were so loud. You’d never been this loud before in your life during sex but you couldn’t help it. You needed him. Needed his cum.  “No mistress you first. You need to cum first. Need to feel it on my cock for the first time. Claim my cock fuckkkk its all yours to claim Did he just call you that? He was so fucking kinky… He'd never called you anything like that before and now you were dripping so much it was making such a mess You could hear it every time he fucked in and out of you. You thought about him cumming inside of you and you remember the last time he did it. So warm fuck you wish youd have basked in it longer. Let yourself enjoy him filling you up. Fuck, why were you doing this again. Thought completely clouded by the idea of being filled with him to a point you could feel your orgasam rushing through you yet again. Your screams could match a porn star right now and Jeongguk wasn't faring much better either. His moans are so cute and high pitched above you. Fuck he was cute. So fuck sexy. You turned your head to look at him as he fucked you. He was straddling you. Pink Jumper still on jeans pulled down ever so slightly letting his cock impale you. How can stombody look so cute while the fuck you so hard. “Claim me baby-” His eyes moved from where you were joined towards your eyes looking up at him and his hips stuttered. You could tell he was trying to hard not to cum there and then “-Claim your good boys cock by cumming all over it” You couldn’t deny that cute face as you threw your face into the bed as your orgasam rushed over your body making your pussy spasm all around Jeongguks cock. The pleasure was immeasurable as you screamed your cries of pleasure into the covers feeling Jeongguk follow behind you filling you up. You pushed your ass into him as he came determined to savour the feeling of him cumming inside you this time. It prolonged your orgasam to new levels as you felt him pulse just as much as you were. Fuck you were in bliss. You’ve never cum like that. Never been fucked till you couldn’t think and never have you been fucked so that you fall asleep as soon as your pussy stopped twitching

AN: Give me a message and let me know if it was worth the wait or not 

Tagglist :  If ive not tagged you im really sorry my tags arent working well atm :(

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[kojinnie]

Something About Pain | Reiner Braun

Pairing: Reiner Braun x Reader (she/her pronoun)

Summary: You ran away from home and your boyfriend Reiner Braun is desperate to bring you home. When the two of you meet, you share a conversation about how pain inflicts the two of you differently.

Tags & Warning: Angst, (eventual) fluff, (mild) hurt/comfort, slow burn, major miscommunication problem, past trauma, abandonment issue, mention of anxiety, Reiner is a grumpy, hurt individual yet delicate inside | SFW

Word Count: 4.5K

A/N: Based on the request by @okubean for Twisted Match-Up! I hope you like it, boo! (More A/N at the end of the fic)

.::My Masterlist::.

Twisted Match-Up (x Reader): Zeke | Hange | Jean 

There was a vivid look of worry on the face of Reiner Braun as he drove through the empty neighborhood streets. His right hand on the steering wheel, the other one tapping anxiously on the phone, dialing the same number over and over again to no avail.

All of his calls had gone straight to your mailbox, and his text messages were no longer delivered. Reiner came to realize that you've blocked him. "Idiot," he muttered to himself, cursing this whole modern affinity to accommodate people running from their problems easier. Reiner thought the feature was the stupidest thing ever created by humankind, he was pissed, but more annoyed. He realized how tired he was, and if he could, he'd rather be in bed right now. Not roaming your friend's neighborhood at ungodly hour.

"Where... the fuck... are you..." he was pissed, evident from the grunt as he tried one final desperate attempt to call you. It went straight to your mailbox. Your cheery voice didn't make him feel any better, if any, Reiner wished he could tell the mailbox-you to shut the hell up.

Reiner finally hit the brake, sighing annoyed. His black SUV stopped underneath the streetlamp, at a random neighborhood he could only vaguely remember. He had been here before, when he picked you up from your bestfriend's house after one of your "night out" with your friends from college, but he could barely remember which one of these identical suburban houses did she live.

He rested his forehead on the steering wheel, racking his brain trying to remember the house number. Is this even the correct cul-de-sac? There are tens others. Who the fuck came up with the concept of suburban housing? Strips and strips of uniformed houses. And even worse, who the fuck thought that it was such a great idea to live in one? Like some Stepford Wives nightmare. Reiner couldn't believe some people would save up money for all their lives to pay off their mortgage to live in complete conformity, like a communist utopia with capitalist credit system. Were these people right in the head or had their brains fucked over by the boring 9 to 5 jobs they've had for decades?

That's beside the point. Reiner sighed. He ranted a lot when frustrated.

He knew you'd be there, in one of these houses, curled up crying in your bestfriend's bed, perhaps pouring your heart out on how much of a bad boyfriend Reiner was. He knew because you've passed the micro-aggression millionth times, muttering under your breath, saying that you'd be fine if Reiner kicks you out because your bestfriend would take you. What kind of fuckery was all that? Why would he ever kick you out? Reiner thought. He was clueless. Why were you so adamant that he would leave you eventually? Reiner could feel his annoyance grew while reminiscing your antics. He began to think, maybe he had never understood you to begin with.

But Reiner was wrong, because he was right about a lot of things about you. You were exactly in your bestfriend's house, curled up in her bed, ranting how hard it was being with Reiner. Although the tears had dried since hours ago. You were in your PJs and drinking the hot coco your friend had made you, comfortable in the bliss of obliviousness upon the fact that your boyfriend of one year was now driving aimlessly trying to locate your position. You were adamant that he was going to leave you anyway, you thought he wouldn't exert an ounce of energy trying to plea you home.

It was 4 AM in the morning and you hadn't come home. The trace of you had gone completely from Reiner's apartment since early morning. Reiner knew that this was bound to happen, had he done anything differently - would you stay? He thought of you and the state that the two of you had been tangled in. All the unresolved tension, or the persistent insinuations coming from you that you always shrugged off in the end, saying "Nothing." as if it did not matter, each time Reiner shot them with, "What did you say?"

You sipped your hot coco and let a troubled whimper as you told your bestfriend what was happening. It's the culmination of small things, your feeling of inadequacy and the anxiety of waking up every morning, being convinced that each day would be the day that Reiner finally leaves you. Every day you’d be mentally preparing yourself for the ultimate fate until Reiner returns home with his big, warm hug until your anxiety caves in. And that the anxiety would appear again in the next morning.

The idea of him leaving became incessant and you could never bug it off. You wondered why, maybe because you believed that you were inherently flawed. Maybe it's the way Reiner made that small "Tsk," when he came home to see the garbage piled up, "Babe, didn't I tell you to put out the garbage?"; or the deep, annoyed and condescending sighs he made when he missed his favorite show because you forgot to pay the cable bills while he was out at the office.

Maybe it's the way you couldn't match his sharp memory and reliability with you constantly forgetting things and your seeming inattentiveness despite the abundant reminders, notes and alarms you've made to keep yourself alerted. At times, your mind just wandered, and you needed him to rope you back in, but he never got the gist.

So, you were adamant that you had grown to be nothing but inconvenience for him, hence when he spent the night over at his office due to what he called "Shit load of work" over the phone, you were certain he wouldn't come back at all. You knew that the pain of being abandoned would haunt you to myriad of miseries, so you'd rather leave first. You knew it would be the end you both needed, because you knew Reiner did not care about you enough to tolerate your shit any longer. He was always quiet, there was hardly ever any expression on his face, God knows what he was thinking underneath. Each of your "Reiner, I'm sorry." would only be met by a singular hum or a quick, "It's okay." that left you wondering, did he ever mean it at all?

So that morning you left. While he was still at the office, because you knew there was no feelings strong enough for Reiner to keep him from leaving you eventually. You left first.

Your bestfriend nodded in reassurance, "You gotta do what you gotta do." she said pulling you into a warmly hug, but your attention was suddenly caught by the pile of plastics and packages from your take-outs at the corner of your friend's room. It just bothered your mind, and you got up to take it out. A small token of atonement to what you wish you had done to Reiner.

Your bestfriend immediately scrambled and took the garbage away from you. Insisting for you to stay in bed and let her take care of it. You nodded and retreated to the pillow fortress. You felt bad for her because the temperature was dropping, and there was no necessity to take the garbage out right now, but your impulse was often hard to subside, and your friend had grown to acknowledge and take sympathy over that. Unlike Reiner, you thought.

Maybe it's because Reiner never shown anyone openly about what he felt, but what you did not know, sometimes he wish he had. Sometimes he wished he'd opened up about how hard it is for him to breathe when unfortunate things occur that he did not have the answer to. Sometime he wished he could share his fear, worry, anger and disappointment, but he was always thought that a man got to suck it up, and perseverance was the only way he knew how to survive.

Sometimes he wished he had told somebody that the constant worrying about his loved ones consumed him too, to the point it became hard for him to let his guard down even when things are okay. He was always on alert, and sometimes it got exhausting too for him. He wished he had told all that, so in times like these he did not have to assume the heartbreak alone while trying to find the solution to it. Sometimes he wished people knew that he cared too, he loved too, he knew too when someone he loved was struggling, but he never learned how to show it. Reiner knew your mind often raced hundreds of miles per hour, Reiner knew your state of agitation, but he never had anyone to teach him how affection should look like, other than be of service, which he tried his best at being. It was no wonder that Reiner was left clueless when you chose to leave without warning.

He was pissed because he knew how daft he was, yet none of it was ever intentional. He cursed himself for not knowing what went wrong, for not being more observant, for not being open with his feelings, for not telling you how much he had grown to love you and how much his apartment immediately grew cold at your absence. But mostly, at this moment, he cursed himself because he wasn't attentive enough to know you friend's house number.

The air was crisp when your bestfriend stepped out of her porch. She made quick steps to the garbage can when she saw bright headlights coming in from the end of the street. She grunted, wondering what was her neighbor doing, cruising around with dramatically low speed. It seemed odd.

She put her fingers above her eyes, trying to recognize the plate number or the driver, but the black SUV lights were dispersing her sight.

She closed the garbage can and tried to immediately return inside but the car cruised closer and pulled over in front of her. The window rolled open.

"Hey," There was an immediate look of surprise from the person that Reiner barely recognized. But he was sure enough that it was her, judging from her body language; all tensed and alerted, "This is Reiner."

For a moment, there was an awkward silence between Reiner and your bestfriend. She was considering carefully on what to say next.

"Uhm yeah, I know." Your bestfriend finally spoke, her voice creaked, caught by surprise. "What do you want?"

Reiner spoke your name, "I want to meet my girlfriend." Reiner could hear the desperation in his own voice, but your friend jeered in response.

"My girlfriend." she passingly mocked the way Reiner spoke, she came to dislike what she thought was possessiveness in Reiner's nature of speaking, "She's not available. I suggest you to scram. Before my neighbors complain."

Reiner furrowed his brows in dismay, couldn't seem to understand the hostility presented by your friend, "I need to talk to her."

She stood unyielding. Reiner opened the door and climbed off of the car, sighing as he walked closer, propelling your friend to keep her distance away even further. "Please, let me talk to her."

"Not a chance." She turned around and scurried back into the house. Reiner was quick to yell, to her expected dismissal. Without thinking further, Reiner got back to behind the wheel and moved his car forward on to the curb, proceeding to close off the exit way for her small city car in the driveway.

Reiner jumped off the car as your besfriend realized what he had done, "I'm not moving the car until she comes down."

She let out a restraint shrieked, "What the fuck?! I got a dentist appointment tomorrow morning!"

"Then please, tell her to come down and talk to me," Reiner said, sounding almost apologetic. He threw a glance at a lonely swing set in the small park across the street, "there."

The occurrence happening before your eyes was unexpected to say the least. You closed the small slit from your bestfriend's window fold, trying to manage your heartbeat that had become almost deafening. At the same time your bestfriend appeared from the door, face red with flustered, "I think he really wants to see you."

Thousands of thoughts made a commotion in your head. It did not make any sense. You made it easier for Reiner by walking away with clean slate, you were sure this was what he had hoped secretly.

Your friend shuffled inside and shot you a deep stare, she sighed heavily and told you that whether you liked it or not, you had to face him. Reiner looked genuinely worried, she said, twisting your guts even further.

You sat in her bed for a moment, trying to relive every waking moment with Reiner. Sure there were moments when your own thoughts chased you into a deep corner and you wished Reiner had seen it. Sometimes you wished he’d hold you tight, kiss you with reassurance and told you how meaningful you were to him. Sure, sometimes being with Reiner could feel lonely, but he had never treated you back nor was he ever intentionally mean to you. What do I want? The question hung heavy in your mind.

I want him to say that he wants me, the voice within the nook of your brain said, I want him to say that he loves me.

You nodded, finally ceasing from running away further.

             Reiner never thought that at his 20-something he would sit miserably on a random swing-set at a random neighborhood just an hour before the dusk cracked. Reiner was a big man, but even with his figure and the aid of his tailored suit and shirt, wrinkled after gruesome hours at work trying to keep his company afloat on the thin ice of his personal relationship with you – Reiner was tired, and miserable, and desperate. Even more, he was cold as the temperature continued to drop down.

He hung his head low, trying to fight the shivers. It was quiet, too quiet, only the faint sound of the wind and the creaking sound of the swing-set holding off to its dear life under Reiner’s massive weight. The man sighed, never he thought that the sight of you coming out of someone’s house in the dead of a  night would be a spectacle he looked forward to the most.

He closed his eyes, shutting himself off from any sound and thought. Thinking that maybe in the bleakness of his sense, the time would pass faster and your heart would soften.

In the nothingness Reiner could feel a sudden warmth crept from the tips of his fingers, he opened his eyes to see you standing before his eyes, towering him who was sitting like a pathetic boy on the swing. You were wrapped in a fluffy bathrobe, hiding your PJs underneath. In your hands were two cups of scalding tea, you shoved one into his hand, “You came.” You stated.

Reiner let out a deep sigh of relief as he saw you safe and sound. He felt warmth travelled across his body, he did not know whether it was the tea in his hand or simply the sight of you that made him felt so. His eyes latched on to you as you sat on the swing next to him, “Hey. What are you doing?” Reiner asked.

“Running away.”

“Why?”

Reiner looked at you intently, and the guilt started to consume you. You gazed afar, softly shook your head, “Dunno.”

“I see.”

Yet another silence ensued.

“How’s work?”

Reiner sighed again; the heavy breath seemed to be the only way the two of you communicated. Just two troubled minds pouring their burden at each other, “Bertholdt abruptly resigned—fuck, it’s been a nightmare, but—” Reiner pressured his thumb over his brows, trying to ease his sharp migraine that suddenly came, “—that doesn’t matter now. Will you come home?”

He looked at you again, you were still gazing to god-knows-what, everything other than his eyes. Reiner grew antsy on his seat, the swing creaked again. Please look at me. Please look at me. The words resonated incessantly in Reiner’s head but nothing came out of his mouth. Just a stoic, to-the-point question.

Don’t you wanna know the problem, Reiner? Is that all? I said I don’t know and you didn’t even try to dig in deeper? You came all the way here and you just straight up asking me to go home with you? Your mind was nowhere better. It’s in uproar but there was only silence coming out of your mouth. But he came, he didn’t leave. Contradiction danced inside your mind like an unwanted guest.

The silence grew heavier. You saw the lights from your bestfriend’s bedroom lit off, she had got to be tired eventually. Suddenly, you felt so alone. Just the two of you in this odd morning.

“It’s hard, right?” Reiner broke the silence, he looked at you again, this time he was desperate for you to look into his eyes. Little did he know, you were refusing to do so because you could feel your fragility forming in your eyes. You swore not to cry.

“What?” Just a depthless answer you uttered.

“Growing up.” Reiner muttered. The man sounded almost contemplative in his defeat. He sighed again and shook his head, “I thought I’d be someone better by this time in my life.”

The answer surprised you. You thought he would say something like ‘Relationship is hard’ or some jargons he picked up from one of the movies he watched without you. You felt bad for undermining him just because you were upset with him. Does it really mirror your true perception of him? Maybe you really hadn’t known him that well.

You had no resolve to his statement, so you just nodded, allowing him to pour out his thoughts.

“I thought I’d be better with my job, with myself, and most importantly,” he shifted to lurch towards you on his seat, the wire strings of the swing twisted to your direction, “with the people I love. But obviously, I still… suck.”

“And here I am. 4 AM. A fucking adult on a fucking neighborhood swing-set.”

You could feel the air suctioned out of your lungs, as you felt guilt loomed bigger inside you. He came and he felt bad – what more could I ask for? But then you remembered the nights of loneliness despite having Reiner sleeping next to you. You had a bad day, but you were too prideful to come clean. You wanted him to be intuitive, but he never did. Being with Reiner, you had mastered the art of crying in silence while sharing the bed with him. It’s exhausting. Yeah, Rei, maybe you’re bad at this.

Despite that, you stayed silent.

“Will you hate me if I say I don’t know what’s wrong?” Reiner knew how daft he sounded, “God. I’m pushing my luck coming clean at you.”

You were at loss for words. You had so many things to say, but too few of a courage.

Reiner called your name. He reached over and tried to tangle one of your fingers with his. From your periphery sight, you could see him forcing a smile, “I—”

He sighed again. Reiner’s chest was filled with words and all he wanted was to vomit it out, but he never knew how to properly addressed the feelings he had—he couldn’t even describe what he felt. All he knew was one thing: he wanted you home, back in his arms, “I am a stupid man. I really don’t know what’s happening between us. You.. just.. gone. Please, just tell me what’s wrong. I’m not smart enough for all these..”

There was almost a childish plea in Reiner’s words, and you couldn’t help but to threw a faint smile. You chuckled, “What did you say? You’re—what?”

He scoffed at himself, “I am stupid.”

You finally caved in because you realized there was an undeniable genuineness in the way he spoke. And the sentiment was mutual, you felt stupid as well for you had not realized how completely, utterly, truly clueless Reiner was.

Eventually, you looked at him. His hardened face quickly turned wary to finally see how puffy your eyes were from crying earlier, you forced a smile, but it was clear you were pretending, “You make me feel so lonely sometimes.”

The words came out of your mouth like a canonball that had been stuck in your chest for too long. You felt relief, but on the other side, Reiner could feel his heart broke. A pain from a man realizing too late of the damage he had caused.

You thought of everything that had made you feel so. The way Reiner rolled over in bed away from you, drowsy and unaware, when you called him in the dead night as your anxiety kicked in; when his hand let you go as you tried to hold his hands in public; the complete non-existing mention of you in his social media; the take-outs that he mindlessly brought home when you had cooked dinner; his easiness in dropping a problem after he said sorry without checking up with you further.

It was the absent of his intuition that made you felt invisible – but you realized too late that maybe he was truly oblivious, evident as he said, “But how?”

“You really don’t know?”

“Babe,” he further tangled your fingers into his grasp. Your hand and his, they hung in the middle of the two swing seats, “I swear on my mother’s grave.”

“I’ve always thought you wanted to leave me but never got the right moment to it. The affection—I hardly ever got it from you. Not the affirming words, not the reassurance. Hell, maybe I want that public kiss and hugs that you thought was stupid, Rei. Just—”

You could feel the tears forming, choking you mercilessly, “—just to feel loved. To feel wanted. For once.”

You finally let your tears dropped. And Reiner was slapped with realities that both of you were in. He let go of your hand and stared down at the pavement, “I’m sorry. I never knew.”

“You never asked.”

“But I never knew. How am I supposed to know that I should ask when I didn’t know I should ask on the first place? I’ve always thought you wanted to be left alone when all your crazy thoughts come in—but you—”

“—you—"

Reiner groaned, obviously frustrated. He rested the blabber, “Maybe we’re just not good at this.”

Like a train, you could feel the ending coming to hit you. This is it. This is it. You thought to yourself, picturing how Reiner would finally leave you. You secretly wished Reiner wouldn’t give in, you wish he’d put up more fight, so at least you’d know that you carried a weight in his heart. But you knew this was bound to happen, so why were you so upset?

“Maybe.” You wiped your tears dry, “That’s okay, Reiner. I know that’s what I am.”

“What?”

“I’m just an embarkation point, right? Everyone will leave me eventually. That’s why I left, because I know eventually, we’ll be talking about this. So I’d better leave first.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Reiner grew even more frustrated with the way you danced around your words.

“It’s okay if you want to leave me. That’s what all people do to me.”

“You left because you think I was planning to leave you all along?” Reiner asked, sounding painfully offended as he finally got to gather what you were insinuating, “So that is the problem?”

“Yeah, so I better leave first, right? Before I get hurt again? Before you leave me like other people and—”

“Fuck other people!” Reiner raised his voice, which he immediately regretted. He ran his fingers over his hair irritated, turning it into a complete blond mess, “Are you trying to avenge your revenge for other people—those exes you’ve had—on me?”

Tears welled up again in your eyes, as you looked away from him. But he called on your name again, this time there was a deep sternness in his call that you couldn’t help but to face him. Reiner was glad that you finally gained courage to speak the truth, when he had not, “So you want reassurance, yeah? How about the times I told you how beautiful, how smart, how great you are – only for you to tell yourself the opposite immediately.”

Reiner looked directly into your eyes, “I can’t make you something you’re not. What you are is who you think you are.”

“You can never matter – if you don’t think you do.”

An expressionless, soundless tear fell onto your cheek. A heart broke to your dismay. Reiner finally said the truth and there was no way you could delude yourself into thinking that he was wrong, “Then… why don’t you just leave me, Rei? Why don’t you get rid of me a long time ago?”

“Because I’m giving you something that I never received in my entire life, ever. I’m staying for you.” There was a palpable pain in the way Reiner spoke. He landed his finger on to your heart and you could feel it pierced through your skin with heavy realization, “I’m staying. Like no one ever did in my life. Not my ex-girlfriends, not my friends, and certainly not my father. That’s what makes us different. I have more faith in you than you have in me.”

Reiner was a man with heavy heart. He had been through a lot of things in his life, learned how to fend on for himself since very young, and dreamed of the day when he could finally put his hair down with someone he cared for. And what you hadn’t realize, was how essentially similar you were to him. How both of you longed for someone to let go of your inhibitions and fear? Just two broken people finding refuge in each other’s longing for the same thing. And that’s what you failed to see. He understood you, just in a way you didn’t understand.

And that’s the thing about pain, they are inherently personal. No matter how much you have shared yourself to others.

The two of you went dead silent for a moment. In the horizon, the sun rays were starting to emerge, the morning had arrived.  Your tears cascaded painfully slow; Reiner was looking at his feet trying to sip his tea that had gone cold. His hands were trembling with both sadness and anger that were beginning to secede.

Reiner finally called your name, this time it was delicate, “I’m sorry, alright?”

You looked at him with tears in your eyes as you nodded, “Alright.”

“Will you come home, now?”

“Yes,” you muttered, “I think I will.”

The two of you got up and Reiner immediately drew you into his chest, holding you the tightest you had ever been held, reconnecting all the broken pieces scattered inside you. You buried your face into his strong chest as you sobbed once more, while he kissed the top of your head with affection more vivid than thousands of words of affirmations.

“What do we do with these hearts, Rei?” You asked as you felt your chest throbbing with pain and love.

The man loosened his embrace and smiled, “Persevere.”

A/N:

First of all thank you so much to @okubean for giving me a hellish prompt! This one really made me faced my own abandonment issue and poured it into a writing. I tried to touch about the absent-mindedness as the implication of ADHD but I’m really worried that it doesn’t really do it justice. So hereby my sincere apologies! 😭🙏

Nonetheless, I really hope that you may enjoy this piece and I’m so sorry if it comes off as boring!

I literally drafted this on the metro, and got really carried away with it!

Did I enjoy it? (Yes)

Did this turn out longer than I expected? (Yes)

Am I worried this will bore people? (Yes)