#im screaming but ill live
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putting way too much effort into this
i spent like 5 hours alone on a 'rough sketch' and at least 3 of those was for armour
really dreading the upcoming lineart ngl
#i just had to yumeship with the guy with the most extravagant outfit#uggghhh i should have just played dress-up with him but im too committed#HE'S ALSO HOTTEST WITH THE ARMOUR TOO#im screaming but ill live#im mentally ill enough that i can brute force this skill#i mean i already did it for hands#may as well just add another “pain in the ass” thing to draw#the things i do for love
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miscellaneous au doodles + a VERY self indulgent song lyric comic :D
+ extra evil comic below the cut :
"chil!" "don't look at me like that..."
#ill be honest this is all so self indulgent that its embarrassing but whatever. peace and love. i will live my truth#yes the song lyric comic is childhood friends t4t chilchuck + his wife. what of it.#yes i also put chilaios. SUE ME OKAY#anyways im really proud of that first comic i think i did the format justice#also to the fellow filipinos out there i salute to you all#if anyone who doesnt speak filipino google translates the song and talks to me about it i will uhhhhhh. kiss you <- joking#(BUT I DO ENCOURAGE TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT I WILL SCREAM)#now time for actual tags#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#<- technically#chilchuck#chilchuck tims#should i tag his wife? ill tag his wife#chilchuck's wife#laios touden#not gonna tag the others in the first comic cause theyre not the focus#chilaios#<- feed on angst with me. play with me in this space.#by the by im slightly dissatisfied with how i drew that evil comic i think it looks a little weird but i love the concept of it#i mean none of you have any context except for my friend whos working on this au with me but. i prommy that its good#oh yeah i should probably tag this au huh#[ tragedy au ]#<- dont worry about the name. d. dont worry about it.#PRAYING BEGGING PLEADING THAT THIS WILL POST PROPERLY THIS TIME
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im forcing you all to look shady-car-salesman erik
[What If Magneto Had Formed The X-Men With Professor X?]
#snap chats#DUDE WHAT IS THAT. I SCREAMED#also before any of you go read this dont it's so nothing. the title LIED it's the most nothing story ive read so far#thankfully this is only a one shot but man. i shouldve listened in that This Is Isn't Worth It#this is literally the only time erik's in the whole thing too btw bar a prologue recapping what happens in the og timeline#im so deadass like he also shows up in some bg shots but thats literally it he says nothing else beyond this page#'what if magneto formed the xmen with charles' god yeah what if. i sure wouldve loved to read that.#'what if they formed the xmen' genuinely yeah how did they do that. can we see that PLEASE.#the only perceivable difference is that erik lives at the x mansion and Probably isnt terrorizing people. and has this god forsaken look#i rescind my statement he's terrorizing ME with that beard and. //gestures everywhere else//#he looks like he's going to try to scam me into buying a shitty ferrari i cant ill take the viking beard just not this#also i think gaby and erik are just. inexplicably married????? they never cover that ???? thats just a thing to vaguely acknowledge#they dont even say it there's a book that's credited as 'erik magnus lehnsherr' and 'gabrielle haller lensherr' like ok. what.#they dont even properly tell us why eriks here or like. how erik and charles find the xmen. or why gaby's here vjeALKJEK#LIKE COOL HI GABS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE she's a mutant now. forgot about that. ???????????????#the weird plot did distract me from. Whatever This Is but now im focusing on it again and im dying#i think what's really killing me is the earrings like oh my god. wow ok. wow...... terrible choice !#if i squint i can imagine the ponytail's gone from his side profile and it's a lil better but ...... jljalKjalJA#anyway i said id read every xmen comic and. regretting some choices but we ball#for now im gonna go wind down ... maybe doodle a bit who's to say ..
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ekky only choosing forsy for eye candy is another example of fork found in kitchen and he has to keep up his shirt off quote quotas even if forsy has now shown off his body to the masses but also unfortunately just reads too much like this (how it feels auditioning as a drumer)
#so if youll need me i think ill be screaming into my hands#i said ekky bassist in a fugue state when the original clip of the pantrs band video came out#and then i remembered this tiktok and i just wept into my hands at how accurate it was#the one speaking is dan (bassist/vocals) so him immediately accepting tate (drummer) because he took his shirt off#tracks extensively in my little forsblad band au that ive been daydreaming about#also they just have multiple videos expanding upon the bassist and drummer having a thing so it really is not helping#one of the videos being “when the bassist and drummer are left alone”#and its just them giggling as tate teaches dan the drums by helping him (hes bad at drums) as lets get it on plays in the bg#anyways great band great body of work ive been listening to a lot as of late#have we considered pretty boy with pretty vocals bassist ekky and the new drummer they accepted because their old one quit on them#i just think forsy would look so hot in a muscle tee and a bandana as he stick his tongue out during sets#because hes pretty calmduring rehearsals but during lives a demon possesses him which means he becomes the hottest man alive#and have the most mmmmmmm (this is my crush on certain drummers speaking sorry guys)#theres a lot of fodder here mmmmmm yeah im gonna be thinking about this for the next month jesus christ
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ohh javieran … javieran post kieran’s death .., javier is a poor lonesome cowboy in america a long way from home with no more sweetheart to sit and talk with him ooohhh can anyone hear me ….
#someone on tiktok found poor lonesome cowboy in an old archival-esque book of cowboy and campfire songs and as soon as i saw this i gasped#ummm burst into tears actually ! thanks ! i’m so sad !#poor lonesome coyotito who parted from his city and who has no sweetheart to sit and talk with him ☹️#they make me miserable#i was just gonna put this in my drafts but i already have 15 drafts and i fear if i continue to put ideas in my drafts “for later’’ i will#never make another post again … so instead of setting myself up for disappointment i’m just gonna start posting like i do on twt#which is where i post every unfiltered thought i have :)#it’s MY blog and I get to make useless textposts constantly because i know im incapable of making any actual content atm#i’m hoping to draw something based off of this some day though :( i’m already having ideas#usually i sit in my mind palace and tinker with my au where kieran lives but unfortunately sometimes i must face reality and think about#javier’s loss and heartbreak in canon <//3#i need to rewatch kieran’s death cutscene and see where javier is and what he does because i’ll have to write his initial#response to grief depending on that :/#whether he’s frozen in disbelief or actively involved in the retrieval of kieran’s body (if he’s even around at all)#javier isn’t really the type to scream and sob out in pain in the moment but i do think that when he finally had a moment to himself (likely#all the way in chapter six considering how chaotic everything gets and how he’s involved in like … everything following that) (which also re#minds me that he literally goes and gets tortured in guarma immediately after losing his lover. i have to kill myslf. anyway.)#i think it probably hits him like a train and he begins to hack and throw up like the weight of grief is literally crushing his organs from#the inside out 😕 javier escuella the lover that you are sets you up for such devastating heartbreak im so sorry#idek how much i want to tag this. maybe ill pull a moss and start using my own tags for characters#rdr2#image#hero's talking to himself again#hero’s kieran#hero’s javier#hero’s javieran#just so i dont have to clog up tags 💛#i will tag#javieran#as normal though
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aye can i get a fuckin uuuhhhh
break. on my burger
#shit chat#family cw#got sicker than i have been in years my bank closed my checking account on accident work is nightmarishly busy#and my mother is sending strings of long voice memos in the family group chat again#i simply will not be listening to them. at most i'll ask my dad or brother for the sparknotes version#bc her pattern for the better part of this year has been radio silence. no attempt at communication whatsoever#and then BAM like 5-10 min worth of voice memos screaming crying sobbing shaking#I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY CHILDREN TO FORGIVE ME. I'M CRAWLING ON MY KNEES ON THE DESERT FOR A HUNDRED YEARS REPENTING#WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY FOR YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I'M SUFFERING SO MUCH AND I'M ALONE BECAUSE#MY FAMILY ABANDONED ME. I HAVE NO ONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M BEGGING. I NEED HELP I NEED MY KIDDOS AROUND ME PLEASE I'M DYING#followed by several minutes of sordid updates on her shitty miserable life#which is tbf pretty shitty & miserable. she's extremely physically disabled & mentally ill#her partner had a severe stroke a couple months ago and is still recovering. they've both been in & out of hospital#neither working. partner's adult son who lives with them is the only income in the household#partner's permanently disabled mother also lives with them. plus 2 large dogs 6 cats and 3 each of chickens & ducks#they're in court suing their landlord bc he's trying to evict them but the property is an uninhabitable shithole to begin with#but like. whenever i do make the mistake of responding to one of her groupchat tantrums#she's just like 'oh you know me im a survivor :) i just miss yous is all :) now that you're here i'm gonna bitch about my life for an hour#and ignore everything you have to say and show active disdain & boredom whenever you tell me anything about yourself or your life :)'#and if i offer help she refuses it#like it's just a bid for attention. expecting unconditional love and absolution and salvation from us bc That's What Families Do#she doesn't actually seem to give a shit about any of us as real people. just this ironclad delusion of unconditional family support#that she frankly has not earned#my brother actually did go visit her in the hospital on thanksgiving. driving 2hrs out of his way to do so#and she was a raging passive aggressive bitch to him and threw the gift he'd brought her back in his face#ma'am i know you're Going Through It but so are the rest of us & frankly you've given me zero reason to want to interact w/ ur caustic ass#plus this is petty but yet another way in which she doesn't listen to me & makes no attempt whatsoever at genuine relationship#i've told her numerous times that responding to groupchat voice memos is hard for me. that i love & miss her#and if she wants to see me or needs help or whatever to please contact me one on one either by call or text#nope. refuses to respond to/initiate individual contact. ONLY traumadumping in the fam chat. TLDR MY MOM IS A DISFUNCTIONAL TOXIC NIGHTMARE.
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TRAILBREAKER and megatron ( most importantly TRAILBREAKER) coming ( 🤨) back on the same article .... megateebs Is REAL! IT'S REAL I SWEAR RHAHH RAGHR RAVHHRVHHH RAGHH RGAH
#i scream into tbe void and the oncoming dark age#pls i just got here pls#ive always actually been a fan of tf but tf is like star wars where these so much lore im terrified#of being called stupid bcs j misunderstood smthing or didnt know smeegoff was a real man or smthing like#i just never thought i was smart enough#and now im still not but im just in my own lil corner doing whatevs#living my life cringe but free#i love u teebs.... pls never scare me like that ever again pls theebs thick teebs my king mybeverything#teebs calling humans little creatures and small things i love u#trailbreaker#megatron#trailcutter#have to include his mid life crisis name#thank u skybound... but i swear if u make astrotrains love just some random ass oc ill go fking crazy on u#transformers skybound
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today is a great day!!
#my interview went really really well!! i feel so relieved that it was casual i ironed a shirt!!! thats so ooc for me#i couldnt slep last night bc i was beeing haunted by scenario questions ‘tell me abt a time whe-‘ *screams incoherently*#anywyas its a great job that’ll look good on my resume AND im excited ^-^#omg and ill finally qualify for government assistance i could cry ive been having to live off my savings and credit card all year#just wanted to share some good news i hope you all are having a good day or you at least get some relief today <33#nonsims#ceru.txt
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i genuinely cannot stand being around ppl who have to take their anger out on others . i'm so sick of always having to act like the bigger person to my Older brother while he can just tornado around my entire life & belongings & relationships without warrant all over smthing that had absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone, rlly.
#but HE runs and tells on ME?#i was just going to let shit blow over#lock myself away as fucking alwys like when we were little and he would cuss up a fucking storm#screaming crying and throwing the shit i bought over being unable to beat a game he plays every fucking day#set on fucking Easy mode#and hes hitting a bat into the door or wrecking my shit in my room or fucking. yelling abt me to the fuckin dog#and in the 'dog's voice' making the animal agree with him bcs im? acting crazy#over a fcking video game that u cant even tell him to turn off or at least stop fucking screaming and wailing or else it'll just set it off#sooner#when dad did it he was fcking drunk and i was illegitimate#it's like i cant even fcking escape fcking hell.#hiding all my bad grades in math bcs i couldnt read a stupid fking number right bcs i didnt want ppl screaming at me#for causing even more trouble than they already have to deal with and just living as dumb bcs it costs less#ill get over it ill try harder#i always have to be the bigger fucking man and im so fucking tired of it#but how are u supposed to cut off someone youve been assigned caretaker as b4 u were even born#im so fucking exhausted#anyways so yea. im pretty sensitive to tone so if i seem like a baby to smthing i apologize#i rlly just. cant stand sme things sometimes#i love getting told i never felt like a friend to my other siblings not only bcs of our massive age gap but also theyre legitimate and#i dont drink or smoke so apparently we cant hang without them always checking the time on their phones#while im taking them out to smthing they like like it's so fun i fcking love it here#anyways yea. love zero comprehension or compassion. love it. loving my life
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#im not looking for sympathy or anything with this post i just need to fucking say something#but i don't want to dump it all on one person#or even multiple people#because idk what i'd do#or what i'd say to someone in this situation#'just keep going' is all well and good but it only works for so long#so i don't expect anyone to try and deal with this#i wouldn't want them to#because it's fucking stressful#so this is just. screaming into the void.#but uh#fuck#im not ok and idk what to do#dont worry ill be fine#ill still be here tomorrow#and the next day#and the next day and the next day#cause im like a fucking cockroach#living out of spite#but im so fucking sick of feeling like this all the time#im so fucking sick of having no energy or motivation and feeling like my life is gonna go nowhere#im so sick of just. hurting all the time.#it hurts so much#vent post#tw vent#im gonna tag this shit from now on#cause i understand why ppl might not wanna see it#cause there's enough depressing shit going on right now#and if you saw this im sorry and it's not your responsibility to deal with this 🫂#go drink water and take care of yourself
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the WORST pictures of scott shriner u've ever seen, taken by me, @ their show in glasgow 2nite!!!
#THE SHOW WAS AMAZING BTW!!!!!!!#OHHHH NY GOD#i think its all downhill from here boys#They played PERFECT SITUATION and ANONYMOUS and BURNT JAMB and ALL MY FAVOURITE SONGS#im so fucking ill#i turned 2 my aunt like five times 2 gi “this is my fav song im gonna go insane”#i lost my voice bgw 👍#OH shout out 2 the ppl beside me who screamed all my favourite songs n pink triangle n buddy holly w me!!!#ur so real 4 thag 🫶#but yes. im a changed man#im never recovering#that was such a great live show oh my god#scott shriner#weezer
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bbbaaaaawrffff
#whatever man. i hate how i cant just scream or ill get shit on but ppl only COME here when im doing smth they see as negative.#i dont want any of that. but i dont want to be fucking ENTIRELY alone#im so tired. no one fucking remembers me#im literally a dead girl walking. no one would see any difference if i disapeared forever. thats not a threat#but fuck i have to live KNOWING no one thinks of me or cares or anything and ill never have friends again
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Sorry I screamed on your ask :( I saw it on Twitter I just had to run to your ask box to say that. It was so beautiful. And not just for Erik's Magnum but like the color was really pretty. The composition flows so well and the way you positioned the shadows add such sensuality. Just chef kiss. Also I love how thrilled Charles looks ajfjskfk and poor gambit.
Also for a second I forgot the common concession that Charles is a size queen 🤭🤭 Maybe wore pants that hug the contour of his dong wjfmdkgk.
Is it his hand pulling the pants low or is it just that heavy? 🤔 Charles would love to carry that d tho ahfkskfk
Thank you for the academic review of my lighting my friend LSSKSJA TBH working on my tablet makes me wanna eat gravel sometimes because when i post from there the colors will look so pale and desaturated on my laptop… like what is that …
#nsft#snap chats#the lighting was killing me for hours i have a higher-rendered ver but i dont like it really …#im very indecisive and i didnt know what mood i wanted….#anyway Let Charles Live His Life 2025 he might die from getting dicked down but hell be fine hes died before#highkey thoni was thinking about how i wish i contoured the pants better….#theyre tights so theyre meant to be tighter no idk why i went with that ..#i mean it aint TERRIBLE but yk. the lil things ill scream about for Ever#ill have more chances in the future to properly contour dick through tights but i can only post such things so mant times in so little time#i will have to keep those studies for myself … until like a week later idk dnPWSKSJ#ANYWYA IMA GO DRIVE I HATE DRIVING BYE
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VIBRATES!!! Sticker sheet collab hosted by @cecilioque came in so ofc I HAD to start using them >:)) they all came out so nicely, I had such a hard time picking and choosing which ones should go on my computer ^^'' unfortunately had to cut quite a few of my favorites to leave room for future stickers :( but the rest are going on my binders, so it works out!
[image id: a photo of a laptop lid covered in stickers. Many of them are pokemon, with many other miscellaneous stickers too, including possums amongst other animals, bugs and insects, and several stars, suns and moons. Several stickers are starting to overlap from how many there are. End id]
#furby screams#AGH i was so excited for these!!!!!!!#they defffinitely lived up to the hype#and it even came with a little booklet saying who did what!!!! verrrrrry happy about that >:)))#think im gonna put that in my binder too so its safe and easy to find when i wanna refer back to it#ill prolly rb this w an update of my binders when i do those!!#properly show off ALL of these >:D!!!!#also only related by virtue of me having gotten it from the same person#but i got a joktik pin also from cecilioque and its SO LITTLE#FUCKIN EENSY#ABSOLUTELY MINISCULE#i got it for my partner but now i HAVE to get myself one too#i truly cannot emphasize enough how utterly teensy tinsey that joltik was#10/10 would recommend
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I neeeeeeeeeeeeed to get out of this house
Soon. Soon it will come.
#hate having to cancel plans because i dont want to risk my parents having a screaming match in the background and ill be far too anxious#from the situation and afraid that itll be turned on me#uni sucked ass but at least i lived somewhere else during it that was so nice i loved that#now im just sitting here without even having dinner plans yet because i have to wait for this shit and im just#man. this is ridiculous#i dont even know what theyre angirly texting about this time but i know its something stupid#if i didnt have this throat problem and waiting for surgery id probably already be looking for jobs and planning to move at this point#but noooooooo lmao cant do that#alright this has been the house of complaining#the prophet speaks#vent
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People really think trust issues are just "aww they're scared of love" and it's like bitch no. Trust issues as in I'm deeply in love and the issue is I'm waiting for you break my heart after undergoing periodic abuse in relationships. I'm not scared of love I'm scared of what you'll do with it.
#ahahahaha anyways. ranty time in the tags wheeee#paranoia has been terrible today. everyones mood is off. everyones acting different. everyones acting colder. they hate me im sure of it#and all this stuff i want to be happy i just know is gonna be ruined or left with tainted memories now and its my fault#but maybe its not because why the fuck cant you be consistent. why is it so touch and go#i support ppl through the worst parts of their lives and when i need the support nobody is there#i will literally take time off work to be with someone if theyre having a hard time but me? cant even afford more than three words#im sick of being told i love you and finding no proof outside empty words. i sure as hell dont feel fucking loved. everyone is lying#it's just like my ex. he smothered me in love to cover up the major lack of actually viable love#empty words make me sick to my stomach now. everyones a fucking liar and i dont get why the wont just tell me the truth!#if im such a burden then just fucking say it! if im horrible to be around tell me! how am i supposed to every grow if nobody tells me#i just wanna be loved and not unconditionally. i want to be loved by choice. i want someone to choose me despite everything#i want someone to love me to every little detail and hold my hand even when im at my lowest and just UNDERSTAND#i want someone to love me wholeheartedly and think about me as much i do them. i want the little gestures and the sweet things i do#but here i am. always the one carrying everything and putting in all the effort. when was the last time someone really liked me.#when was the last time i existed in someone elses head. when was the last time someone cared enough to check on me. to do something?#this savior mentality is gonna kill me but im only being straightforward when i say i cannot pull myself from this alone. i am so weak#and god im fucking tired#spent at least two hours straight sobbing while regressed because even as a kid i cant outrun this#and im just getting sicker. i cant sleep. cant eat. cant stay warm. feel like im slowly fading away#and nobody even cares. its so fucking selfish and childish but my whole life ive screamed for help and nobody has seen me#do i have to become another number in the statistics for you to care? or would you even care when i die?#because at this rate i dont even need to try. my heart hasn't slowed in three days. i think i really am dying#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized
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