#im scared something happened and im scared it's something i did wrong
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Man and I'm gonna a have to go to my damned psychological testing initial interview like this. It sucks ass.
#speculation nation#im an anxious mess bc potential health reasons and also i got stood up.#still dont know why. hard to know when they havent replied all day :]#im scared something happened and im scared it's something i did wrong#and im scared for my fucking health bc it's been doing some weird shit lately.#but i have my initial psychological testing interview in an hour and i dont really know what to expect from it.#i played my samurai game and it was fun i guess but itd be more fun if i wasnt checking discord every 5 minutes#just to be disappointed upon seeing theres Still no fucking reply.#this sucks ass man. this sucks so bad. im trying to not be an asshole about it but it really does hurt.#2 hours later and 0 reply. what the fuck am i supposed to think??? i dont even fucking know.#ive had a pit in my stomach for about 3 hours now and it's not going away.#but im gonna have to go to the damned psychological testing and talk about why my brain's bad. fml.#negative/
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
hmm...
#vent post#seari talks#i feel a little scared... just thinking about the stuff i need to do... and i got a message that i cant answer on my own and the person who#i need the answer from wasnt... helpful... i dont know what to say now... i should say i'll look into it or something... but...#sigh... the whole situation is difficult since i have to... *big sigh* fuck...#if this goes wrong... will they blame me? what will happen to me?... i did ask back in the day... i have the messages... so technically im#safe but... sigh... how stressful...#and i have to check all of this other stuff too...#... i dont like this... i so dont like this... but its okay its gonna be okay... its just the beginning that its scary but once we actually#start running everything will get easier and easier and more comfortable and.... sigh...#for now... lets do what we- fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck who sent me a message fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#i dont wanna open the message#*checks* okay everything will be okay... everything will be okay.... yes... *sigh*#IM OKAY EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!!!!#i just have to focus on the matters at hand. i reported this so its gonna get reviewed now. and what i need to do is this other thing...#and study i have to do that too... and read that too... okay thats not difficult ive got this
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
apparently people are fulfilled by hea because theyre reading it as the spark in a relationship being lost instead of what it is . which is domestic abuse .
#there is no spark there has never Been a spark she Does Not Know You. she explicitly says this in oppy hea.#oppy hea actually carries so many implications about the damsel chapter. one of them being that she was acting the whole time!#she was scared! all she knows about you is that youre a hulking mass of silence and shadows who tried to free her?#and then after cutting off her fucking hand you almost tried to kill her?#so maybe this time when i see him ill be all smiles and sunshine! maybe i did something wrong last time and thats why that happened?#im sure if im as sweet as i can manage this time then everything will be okay? maybe we'll get to the door? maybe i can leave?#what do you mean you want to stay here? but the door is right there can we please just leave? why are you making me stay here#ive done everything right? can you please let me leave? i want to leave? i dont know you I dont want to stay here with you? please?#can you please let me leave?#she doesnt know you!! there is no relationship!! there is no spark to lose! she was pretending so she could leave!!!! you didnt let her!!!
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
im so scared of the last episode of the miniseries
#hfjone#i did not go into the miniseries expecting a satisfying ending btw dont get the wrong idea#becsuse thats obviously not what one aims to do but GOD i just want something good to happen to these people#someone theorized its gonna end eith everyone being presumed dead#bc the next episode will likely come out on the 15th#which is a day before the report about liam being presumed dead is issued#and its so plausible and im very scared#because idk if i can handle anymore heartbreak from this series after one 18#anyways my prediction is that the series will end with ava calling her lovely wife (voiced by me)
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
paranoid as hell rn nobody talk to me for the next like 7 hours i dont want to be perceived
#rly worried i did something wrong with multiple ppl for unrelated reasons#i talk too much#i need to shut up#NONE OF YALL DID ANYTHING WRONG. its just me. and im just having a moment#just leave me alone. im scared of everyone rn#i promise ill be fine later dont worry abt me. pretend none of this happened
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm too anxious and overthinker-y for this shit
Partner: Finn.. im gonna have to talk to you tonight..
Me: oh..?
Partner: about smth..like we can talk rn, idc, but i need to talk to you tonight..
Me: did I do something wrong?
Partner: ur gonna hate me,, and thats understandable.. u didnt do anything wrong and its not you.. its not you i promise..
Me: I doubt I would hate you
Partner: there's no boubt you would hate me a little ☹️
Me:....doubt it but okay....
Partner: :/....
Me: r u okay....?
Partner: yea im okay...
Me: alr then...
Partner: finn im just gonna talk to you later...
Me: okay....love you, talk to you at lunch....
#ive got a bad feeling....#i know she said i didnt do anything wrong#but it feels wrong...#i feel wrong#i feel like i did something wrong#and im confused#and im trying to play it back in my head#to try to figure out what i did#because something i wrong...#and i dont wanna lose her#hell#i cant lose her#shes keeping me alive...#shes the one im fighting for#im scared whats gonna happen.....#because i love her....#and...#idk if she still loves me
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?
#myposts#this is long and honestly probably Nothing#i dont even really have a way of proving its the same group of people saying both things except fro anecdotally seeing it#and even thats not proof either is a real social force with like power. i could be entirely wrong on every count here#but i do think theres something to the idea that like#as ive seen said#yknow 'ace discourse never ended you all just accepted ace people didnt deserve support and then moved on w those views internalized'#i think thats more broadly true for like. all those discourses i mentioned. and for the transmisogyny i alluded to#but honestly i dont even want to name the specific phenomenon im talking abt there bc those people. scare me.#but yknow ill say it ive felt way more pressure lately to not call myself pan than i did at the height of pan discourse#before it became cringe to care about it and instead of actively shitting on pan ppl we moved on to passively doing it#ive largely started just. calling myself bi to avoid the arguement. which i predicted i would have to do years ago#and now look at me doing it! not really a fluke that its happening now. i think#which isnt to say were moving 'backwards' per se but that these ideas are not now and never have been really challenged#so weve just internalized their logics--reactionary logics--and its having an interesting effect now that we need a progressive community#for our safety.#now we cant say anything about it because to bring it up is jeopardizing everything weve built and the people were keeping safe!#cause we dont count as people deserving of safety were disruptors who only belong when we dont make noise. idk. or thats how i feel#again i dont really know if this is true at all im more just...thinking through it i think#basically like what im seeing--i think--comes from simultaneously that need to be unmarketable in the face of hostility#coming into conflict with a decade of momentum to make queers solely marketable. and i think thats producing some interesting--but sucky#--discourses in the current moment#last disclaimer that i might and am likely totally wrong! okay lauren out. post send *nervous sweating*
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
It's 9pm right now and a car pulled all the way into our driveway, stopped right behind one of ours, and left pretty quickly. It might be just that they had the wrong house, but please pray for our safety anyway. Thank you
#i know they werent just turning around because our driveway is long and they didnt have to pull all the way up#earlier today we actually had someone just turning around and they did it the proper way by pulling in just enough to turn around#we do have a theory that the first truck was just here to scope the place out and this one was here to steal converters or something#but we tend to think of the worst whenthis happens#im sure its not that serious and they just had the wrong house#but im a paranoid person and im scared ya know 🤷#oh almost forgot#prayer request
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !
#speculation nation#negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february#actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when#so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh#i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it#and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it#and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found#but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots#which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
yk every time i see a post about somebody wishing bad things on another person i think ‘dirt-strider to kiryu’ you’ve broken me brain
You see a post thats like i want to stick him in time prison so that he gets so bored he starts breaking his own bones to get even a hint of stimulation and its tagged me at kiryu and you scroll down and its a post thats like i want to feed him chips from my cupped hands like a wild stallion and its also tagged me at kiryu also hiiiiiiiii
#Thanks for the ask !#i wont lie to you i want to do yo kiryu what they did to the family in reddot story the pancake family#his life is a bit too easy i want to give him more obstacles thats why im kidnapping him and breaking my little prince’s ankles and#releasing him in a forest in another country altogether and he has to survive with his injuries until they heal and they will heal wrong and#it will forever hurt to walk now and also when he sees another human being now he will always flinch and he has nightmares every night about#being feverish and starving to death and years into his recovery i meet him again and invite him to watch a movie with me but when i put the#tape in its actually just a highlight reel of his time in the wilderness and he gets scared but he cant move and its because i gave him some#tea earlier and oh this ? its laced with drugs. and he sits blearily beside me and im holding his head up so he watches the screen and he#recalls every terrible thing thats happened to him i put the tv on full volume so he can relive the leaves and twigs cracking under his#hands and knees as hes dragging himself across the forest floor and and his clipped shouts of pain whenever his broken bones catch on a root#and his enraged screaming as he grapples foxes and coyotes that are trying to scavenge the food he painstakingly gathered and he can listen#to the way his voice devolves into something unrecognisable and hes wondering how i got this footage but then he realises this scene is#familiar hes on his last legs and he hears footsteps approach not those of an animal but of a person. he looks at the screen and he sees his#own face staring into the camera wild eyed and filthy and that on the other side of the camera is the hitchhiker who ‘found’ him and he#realises it was me who did this. i could have rescued him at any time the gratefulness he feels to that kind samaritan curdles in his chest#it comes with the withering realisation it was all a game and the one who put him through it all was right beside him and i laugh and put my#hand around his shoulder and ask if he liked the movie and he fights his paralysis and he grips me by the neck and throws me to the ground#and he says you .. you ... and i frown apologetically and say That bad huh ? well we can put on another. and he cant even say words anymore#hes so angry that he grips my neck and he strangles me and the whole time my face gets purple im laughing and laughing and laughing at him#anyway thats one of my greatest fantasies its a fantasy because i couldnt do that to the poor guy im not that mean but i do want him to kill#me and for me to deserve it. very important that i started this fight and that he ends it thats what i want to have ... and also to like#cuddle and stuff ... because i like him ...
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
really hate that any time someone seems slightly upset with me i cry
#like oh you’re taking to me slightly sternly? looks like im just gonna sob whether i like it or not#i always feel so bad for it like i promise i’m not trying to use tears to get my way i just naturally do this#this post is brought to you by my dad and stepmom trying to protect me from having more puppy raising issues but all it did was#make me feel like im making the wrong choice by deciding to keep puppy raising#like my stepmom in particular is really concerned that my next dog is gonna go how iris and justice went#and like i don’t know how to make her understand that a) me having two difficult dogs was just bad luck and#b) what is best for the dog may not be best for my feelings but that’s fine bc its not about me#like im already having a hard enough time letting myself be excited about this new puppy#bc im so scared that something’s gonna happen or that i’m doing something wrong#that my dad and stepmom trying to help me and urging me to discuss with trainers how the trainers will support me if something is hard#is making that anxiety worse#and is making me feel like continuing to puppy raise is the wrong choice even tho i know i need to keep doing this i’m just so drawn to it#and love it so much#and i know that they want to protect me but like they’re making me more stressed about shit
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#Its my fault he feels that way#if i didnt put so much pressure onn him by wantinng that he wouldnnnt feel that way#Ill just keep it innside and start to keep my hannds to myself more oftenn or just in genneral all the time?#I feel like i should also stop with jokes but i feel like that would give somethig away#like how im acting now#im trying to just hold it in but i feel so guilty#Hes already said he feels obligated to just 'deal with it' or did he say he puts up with it?#i donnt know#just the fact that he feels like he needs to just let it happen so ill leave him alone#im the worst personnn alive i think#i feel like i need to throw up because Am i really that bad#i donnt knnow#is it that he just doesntn like me? i cannt tell if its because hes scared to tell me no or because he just doesnt. want me? i donnt know#im a bad partner eithe way#if its not that hes scared then is it just that im#im so gross ad awful and somethigs wrog with me? am i doig something wrong? why doesnt he want me?
0 notes
Text
My biggest fear is hurting someone the same way M hurt me because she was the first person I ever loved and now that's just how I love people
If I love someone I want them to hurt me. And sometimes I hurt them.
I'm not scared of raping them like she did. You can't accidentally do that (fucking duh). But like, what if I think something is normal because she did it to me, but it's actually abuse?
I thought what she did to me was love, so what if there's more of it that I still think is love? What if I repeat it?
I'm terrified I'm going to do something, even though I know that I've beaten it into myself that what she did was abuse, so obviously I should know the difference, right?
But what if I don't? What if there's something I can't tell is wrong? What if I fuck it up?
Again, I know logically it's just an intrusive thought or whatever. But what if I actually end up doing it? I'm fucking worried that I will.
#ptsd vent#i know. logically. that im not going to. because ive taught myself the difference and i second guess everything i do with my gf.#and i did the same with my ex QPP. i just..#its tmi but this blog is my secret one so i dont care about sharing this part.#a lot of stuff she did to me. that was wrong and fucked me up. now im like.#into it. if you catch my drift. like obv ik in real life that shits wrong. and i dont want it to happen to me for real.#obviously i dont want to get genuinely raped again. i mean like. pretend.#but im worried that maybe theres something more subtle that i havent realized is wrong and ill hurt someone.#idk... i hurt a lot of people around 2020 without realizing and i guess im just scared of doing it again.
0 notes
Text
A boy asked for my number today it's so weird 😭 he was nice but I had no idea what to do when he kept taking to me
#not a reblog#i let him walk me home which i really really regret but whatevs#my dad could scare him off if worst comes to worst#we kept chatting and hes apparently 21 and lives 20ish minutes away i think#god why the fuck did i give him my number and address what the hell is wrong with me#i was panicking ive literally never been in this situation before#i really dont know how to feel#i called me friend as soon as i got him and she mad eme feel better about but god#i know nothing about boys#i told him id call him tmr but idk if i should#i promised#but also that doesnt mean shit#idk. idk idk idkkkkkkk#this is so strange#he was complimenting me and everything which was. ive never had something like this happen bro its odd#he was polite and everything but god what the hell#asked me if i had a boyfriend n stuff#i felt so odd i never thought someone would ever actually approach me bro#and now its happened and im just. wuh?? is the onl thing i cna muster up#what do i do guys#my friend told me to just let it play out and that i shouldnt ca
1 note
·
View note
Text
Had a very bad day Gotta eat gravel
#had to work a shift with only one other coworker and we were in this same position last weekend too and so like last time#he had this Moment where like as we locked up he was yelling very frustratedly about an annoying customer#which is fair but lol we dont know each other well enough for him to yell and rant like that to me like i get it but#god i hate yelling and just felt like shit and wanted to die#then tonight i was legitimately kinda scared cuz uh liiike. he had a lot more little Moments#i think like some kid dropped something and it broke and he had to clean it up and he got frustrated#and like. went in the back where the custom framing shit is and there was loud banging with a hammer and glass shattering#and he went back and did this multiple times and customers heard it too and were like uhhh 😰#i was already in a bad mood coming in and this really didnt help its honestly a miracle i didnt start having a meltdown#i guess ive just had to deal with so many man babies at home that all i can do is look at them like a disappointed parent and ask if they#would like me to take them to daycare#so yeah that was fun i uh dont like this guy hes always wearing very cutesy clothes and all i can think of is the bit where its like#‘there is nothing little about your things’#also i got money problems and keep getting fast food cuz i got eating problems and theres not much here i can eat and obviously#buying food so much wastes money so i was gonna try to make a sandwich today and like we dont have half the shit needed#and the bread was moldy obviously and theres so many bugs in the house cuz ive been too busy to clean and my sister was here#and the cat is here and my mom does everything wrong and then i spilled water everywhere and everything just went wrong#im also in a horrible place mentally doing so so bad so unbelievably stressed rn#just like. im repressing very bad and literally procrastinating having feelings like everything is going so wrong but i cant feel bad#because i dont have time for that so ill feel bad later when i escape which surely will happen someday ahahaha fuuuck#dont know whats real anymore maybe ive made everything up maybe the abuse is just me being dramatic maybe im the worst child in the world
1 note
·
View note
Text
:T
'I was raised/abused by people who used their illness as an excuse to be horrific towards others and said I wasnt ALLOWED to question it (because then I'd be Obstinate, and go to hell)'
and 'then I was abused by someone who used their illness as an excuse to be horrific towards others and said I wasn't ALLOWED to question it (because then I'd be a Bigot, and everyone will hate me when I tell them)'
Sure does explain so much about me.
Turns out:
- Didn't go to Hell for being Obstinate
- Extended family laughed and high fived me for joining the 'canceled by XYZ' club
So while I am perhaps oversensitized to "abusing the good will/sympathy of others"
I see that those who do this are in the real hell.
And I've seen how it comes crashing down so so SO slowly.
Abusing the sympathy of others results in people who are wary of extending that sympathy ever again. It's a net crueler world, no matter how much you say "NO NO ONE WOULD EVER DO THAT!"
They do, people take advantage of good will/sympathy. Especially when you can exploit that sympathy for control.
People do it without realizing it too, and enabling that only makes it worse. Protecting the 'abuser'/abuser in the name of "we gotta say it never happens to immanetize the eschaton!" is its own Cruelty.
You're gonna damn each other if you put yourself in a place where people are too fearful to tell you you're being unfair. Claiming '-ism' like a YuGiOh trap card [especially to people who are victimized by that -ism, RIP] is a fantastic way to do that.
People learn to ignore the ableism accusations or treat it like a joke. And it's not JUST bigotry, as neat of a solution as it sounds. Someone comes out with a Caard of all their mental illnesses and I'm asking myself 'why' not because GRRR HATE MENTALLY ILL, but because there is still a motivation there.
'If you ask why someone would do that you're a bigot!' okay so are they trying to establish that they want special treatment or needs. I am excessively empathetic to that.
But it's not 'I forget about messages sometimes [And if you werent mentally ill it'd OBVIOUSLY be because you just dont care?*] or might infodump [on nerd websites? How dare you!*]', it's "Here's the disorder I say I have according to the description I give of it, if it's contrary to any knowledge, experience, or literature on the subject it's because you're a bigot."
Personally I just try to treat everyone assuming they COULD be ill, I find everyone could use kindness. I think that's a better model, but the neurodivergent are uniquely suffering or whatever.
"It's not that I want special treatment, I just want to be the same as everyone else gets to be" You are imagining an ideal that does not exist. Even the fabled Neurotypicals are deserving of things like Patience.
See to me it looks like you're only willing to offer those kind of things to people who will tell you their psychiatric histories. My experience with people who have done the caard thing has so regularly been such! Whereas my experience with people who have severe illness [a majority of my friends] are much more *example* or *event* focused.
#theres a third part where someone attempted to do that#and it was harmful to the friend group and only got worse and worse over time as everyone was scared of#one person inconsistently attacking others for percieved slights#I was far enough from the sun to avoid consequences of the implosion and y'know#I really don't think theres a solution to this other than just ignoring the 'youre being ableist by saying I cant steal!!'#Got like 30 witnesses that can affirm that it was bullshit. I could produce a thick dossier proving the parties here are what I say#Got a few 10s of Thousands of hours spent considering 'was I actually in the wrong' and man#All evidence and affirmation and therapy and meditations point to 'why didnt I stop it sooner'#makes me question my skepticism wondering why this keeps happening to me#possible event 4 comes and nah. not again. what a shame. but I am not giving a chance beyond evidence again man#Part of me wants to ignore red flags but I think that part of me might just be blind#and how have I sacrificed worthwhile friendships because I didnt want to abandon someone?#how many times did I recognize that my description inspired fear/anxiety in my friends and take that as affirmation#without extending that affirmation to 'you need to do something!!'#how many times do I scream where few can hear instead of disengaging?#how many times have i let the 'I dont want to be a bad or cruel person'#override everything telling me to run or fight?#be a social fawn you wont hate yourself for it! you can complain on tumblr or to your closest friends instead!#yet the complaining never calms the feeling I am betraying myself!#either betraying the part of me who fears the hell my 'friends' are creating for themselves#or betraying the part of me who has a fucking right to fight and be obstinate#What solution exists where I dont feel like Im betraying myself in some way?
0 notes