#im rly stressed lmao
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#used to be like omg is my style too anime????? to cutesy??? im moved past it cute girls only from now on#not isabella but at least im drawing?#hats r so difficult i might cry#wip tag#im rly stressed lmao#trying to get back to sketching regularly but its been realllll up and down lately#anyways gn!!!!!!!!!!
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save them tbh
#my art lol#shitpost#vocaloid#flower vocaloid#fukase vocaloid#oliver vocaloid#utatane piko#zhiyu moke#stupid joke i've been meaning to make for a while lmao. 'quick' doodles done in an attempt to save my mental state a bit (didnt work)#i'm sure moke's got issues too but nothing overtly bad ever happens to him in my shit i think... but thats more bc i forget abt him 😭#i think i keep accidentally proving my theory that vocaloid is my default hyperfix bc especially more so in times of stress i go back to it#and bc ive been doing rly bad lately YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!! inflict the horrors on those poor guys. 😇😇😇#im not gonna get too into it rn bc im just gonna post this + something else rq and then i really have to get back to studying#but my faves always always suffer thats just the rules of how my art works lol.#its my trauma and i get to pass it on to fictional characters of my choosing in an attempt to cope and process it!#because as much as bad shit happens to them SOMETIMES they get happy ends. and if thats possible for them maybe one day for me...
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hi guys. guess who got on adhd meds yesterday and then got too excited abt them today and took too much and is really anxious now. cuz if you guessed me then you'd be right
#unsure if im actually in mild pain over it or if its from the stress#if anyone has any tips on what to do in this scenario. or is willing to provide some sort of distraction . i could rly rly use it rn#juno.txt#rest assured i will not be doing this again LMAO i know my limit now
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trying to not be insane when u have constant suicidal thoughts is. a lot
#like everything i say i just want to end w like. yeae i wanna kms#or like. do u ever want to genuinely kill urself because u ate food#or like. i want to kms because i have oen stressful thing i should do#or i want to kms just because. nothing rly. i just feel a need to kms.#and im not even suicidal like for real i am not going to kms i just really want to#and i dont think thats normal#im back on my meds tho. but i feel like shit#both emotionally and physically#i have never been more physically exhausted#i did my steps and almost gave up when i was in the forest lmao i considered lying down and letting the moss eat me#i slept for like 10 hrs tonight too#idk it was a rly bad idea to go off my meds :)#and today ive binged low key twice#and i want to kms abt that#or overxercise but im so exhausted im so so soso sosososo tired i want to go to bed and sleep#but i have stuff to do???? kms
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last rb stressed me out lowkey akakska i had an ex like that and it became a self fulfilling prophecy kinda thing..
#like oof where do i even begin#for one... would recommend looking up what pedestalling is so u can catch urself when ur doing it.#and. hm. honestly even working on self worth n whatnot i think rly internalizing not 2 pedestal ppl cuts out a lot of self sabotage#like hello ppl in ur life r there bc they choose to be. you are worth it to them and they are showing u that w action.#u gotta be vulnerable.. u gotta trust in other ppl.. cautious optimism is fine but 😮💨😮💨#i hate when ppl assume what im thinking and feeling and act upon that. assumptions on assumptions.#my mom was like that in a mean spirited vindictive way. my ex would spiral if i took too long to respond stressed as hell#thinking that i had all these horrible thoughts about her or that i was just using her like holy shit I'm just sitting here drawing ajsjka#i am trying to make friends. i am recovering from my own personal circumstances and trying to figure myself out etc.#was also actively working on finding myself as a trans woman bc it was so early in my transition.#idk. like damn ppl have Lives‚ hobbies‚ other ppl they talk to‚ they take time for themselves.#if u don't know and ur stressed about it‚ ask..? but then believe ppl when they answer idk.#sorry.. I've annoyed myself lmao. it was wild... things were dead simple on my end but she came up w hella things she swore HAD to have bee#true and after breaking up w her she kept DMing me w long ass self deprecating vents and mischaracterisations#i had to block her after a while like 😐 u ever see somebody go to therapy and get worse somehow#i cannot fw people who have low self esteem anymore but like i sympathize from a distance lol#hello from the other side of the interaction... self love/worth is hard but please try#ur mischaracterization of ppl based on assumptions is hurting them and it will alienate ppl n push them away#and then become a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.. but also take what I'm saying w a grain of salt 🤷🏾♀️#i just have my personal experiences
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how I look suggesting to my group partners that we do our bio presentation on vultures
#reggietales#specifically how they evolved convergently and might throw in a note thrown in on conservation too bc theyre. in trouble!!!!!!#they said they didnt have any ideas and we needed a topic i was like 'well i do have one idea..........................'#they seemed receptive so we'll see. i feel kind of bad like im forcing them but!!!! augh!!!!!!! we needed a topic and i had that one in min#and they said they were cool with anything so. idk i stressed that we rly didnt have to do this topic i was just throwing out an idea i wan#them to be interested too. its not fun if their hearts arent in it. we can pick p much anything lets do something well all enjoy yk? augh#i hope its ok. i hope theyre not secretly mad at me. mayb i should have been quiet. idk#i hesitate to use the word neurodivergent to describe myself bc ive never been formally diagnosed with adhd or autism#and i also dont think im negatively impacted enough by any traits i share w those disorders to qualify to have them#but i am for sure fucking abnormal about birds and vultures like. hyperfixation is the only word that fits. maybe even special interest idk#like i almost dont WANT to do this topic it weirdly feels like. selfish??? idk im just. aaaahhhhh!!! lmao#*staring haggard and weary at myself in the mirror gripping the counter with a white-knuckled grip* i will be normal i will be normal i wil
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i havent even thought about what starter im going to choose omg... i don't think i have any preferences towards type, i usually just end up liking pkmn based on vibe and aesthetics LMAO, and I've never played any game except for platinum (and I haven't even finished my first playthrough of it....) so i have zero experience in choosing starters,,,, THIS IS EXCITING
#choosing to be excited abt this rather than stressed fhdkdl#i like how litten looks but i dont rly like incineroar#actually i dont know if i rly like any of the third evolutions of the starters#okay wait actually i take it back. i just looked and the third evo of rowlet is fun#im so sorry to incineroar likers and primarina likers 😭#incineroar looks silly to me and primarina just annoys me DBFJDML its calls in the anime were rly grating on my nerves after a bit ��😭#rowlet in its first evo doesnt appeal to me a whole lot tbh which is funny bc now that i look at its evo line i rly like the others#but rowlet itself is just kind of ... shrug. like it looks very polite but it doesnt have any sort of Spark to it yknow?#its just a polite looking orb fjdksl#which is perhaps the charm of it but i feel like its an orb w a bowtie and its very plain fjdksl#theres not a lot of ✨Personality✨ to its appearance#WHICH IS PERHAPS RICH COMING FROM ME. THE INFAMOUS PIPLUP ENJOYER. DNDKSL#i think im gonna go w rowlet though which is funny bc thats the one I thought i Wouldn't be going with#i like popplio and litten in terms of design way more but i just dislike both their third evos too much to choose them 😭#WAIT WHY DOES ROWLET HAVE TWO TYPES#I THOUGHT ALL BASE STARTERS ONLY HAD ONE TYPE??? HUH??#okay anyways i gotta stop chattering djdksl i am sitting outside i should not be looking at my phone LMAO im gonna do some sketching#yall... im choosing another bird pkmn as my starter.... i fear i may be developing a pattern of some kind LOL#dandy.cmd
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Here's something crazy... Still haven't watched Bridgerton s3, but seeing everyone fawn over the kanthony cameos, and then now having moved on to just fawning over iconic kanthony scenes apparently in response to it, has got me like sdkfa;sdfkadsk ABOUT TO REWATCH S2.....!!! AGAIN....!!!!
I saw the Dancing On My Own first dance scene on my timeline like 3x today and I'm foaming at the mouth, have been thinking about them all day LMAO
#ive mentioned the show here and there i think but idk if ive mentioned im... crazy about them LMAO#it was a slowburn on me too bc i put off watching s2 since idgaf about anthony#but everyone was raving about their chemistry and kate was so beautiful that eventually i watched it and#it rly is lightning in a bottle w those two#in that dancing on my own scene the way they look at each other rly feels like they are the only 2 in that room together it takes me tf out#anyway this post brought to u by me realizing i hadnt logged my tumblr back in on laptop since getting it worked on#and also being stressed and avoidant so here i am making a long ass text post w rambling tags about NOTHING#no no im gonna watch s3 first tho im gonna watch it... i just dgaf about colin EVEN MORE than i used to feel about anthony#look i know no one here cares about bridgerton but unfortunately I DO#also i keep trying to remember to get active on tumblr and dont remember how to write posts so heres this#text posts#i have a lot more to say but it is truly aimless rambling i have no organized thoughts to share about this show goodbye
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Felt cute, might deteriorate later. [He/Him]
#feels like im in hell um#shibuya to belgium#anyway did my eyebrows perfectly but its night and ill prob sleep em off so ugh#im so tired bro i went thru my arm workout THREE times today bc of stress and anxiety#not to mention body dysphoria on top of the health concerns im trying to not think about anything rn so selfie time#OBLIGATORY: 'DISCLAIMER: i'M HI (HIGH)' TAG#but tbh not enough im still hurting with stress#could fuckin go for another round but i rly gotta try n sleep bc i get to cry abt all this in therapy tmr yaaaaay#fuckin hate that i cant treat endo lmao its like living in a cage w a tiger and not knowing when its gonna attack or give a love bite#anyway not to be a crybaby but yeah im not okay and dont know how im expected to go on lol#thought i looked good in my red light but ended up w a good orange light pic#wish i could show off my arms but its not impressive. mostly just feels nice to be like... solid lol#wish i could afford a gym#so my face will have to do for now hope i dont regret posting selfies at almost midnight lol#me#selfie#Cori.exe#Image.exe#ignore my chapped lips pls my dermatillomania has been rampant for the past like 2 days lmao i never stood a chance#hhhhh idk what to tag beyond this fence sitting whether to post or not so im just gon post and then go sleep hffff
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not to be Hashtag serious about anything because that goes against my principles but this was the first year since i was 18 that i didn’t take antidepressants at all and the first time since i was 16 that i didn’t attend regular therapy (or at least Think i Needed to attend regular therapy) and yeah i wouldnt say i had a Good mental health year but. But. thats a big step for me actually and one i am very pleased with. go me
#taylor.txt#still on othet drugs. and did pick up a fresh prescription (+ some old ‘expired’ pills from when i was on 4 dif brain illness drugs) because#the insomnia was That bad LMAO but i actually have not taken those much bc the dose i was prescribed doesnt rly work#taking 2 is enough to knock me out but then i get the big sleepy the next day so no winning#wow typos. anyway#2 years since that whole Thing. and yknow what many days still suck major ass. but we cant say im not trying#this year my goal is to hopefully uh. relieve some literal physical stress bc like my high heart rate chest pain dislocating joints shit etc#like. seems LIKELY there is some relation. and its that im just fucking tense as hell. i think the meditation thing im supposed to do would#also be easier if my base state were not. super stupid tense for no reason. also sleep issues and tmj might be related to that lmao
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#snapped at my mom because im stressed about my preboard results and then i apologized and explained that i was rly stressed and accidentally#lashed out and she started saying that im always rude to her and taking my stress out on her ??? and that i never do this to my dad#and then she said i never talk to her about anything even though she's the only one who does everything for me yet i still dont talk to her#and well. maybe if she didnt tell my brother 'if u do this u will end up like ur sister in the future. u dont want to fail in life right ?#then dont do this' (nearly exact words) when she was scolding him . i mean maybe then i would actually want to talk to her#and it sucks because i cant rly talk to anyone irl about this because i still feel scared that they'll like. judge my mom#because i still love her a lot and dont want people to think badly about her#but its getting harder ! to exist here ! and the fact that i am constantly used as an example of what my brother should NOT be#especially when i work this hard partly because i want to be someone my brother can look up to#and to have that come from my own mother . it's really hurtful and makes me feel like nothing i ever do will be enough for her#not to mention the fact that i have come out to her 4 times and she still constantly asks me if it's just a phase#<- i thought that part was getting better but apparently not#but i've stopped expecting anything from anyone in that respect so it doesn't really come as a surprise lmao#anyway rant over i just needed to get that off my chest because i really dont know how long i can keep crying and then forcing my voice#to be normal so that no one asks what happened because wow it is taking a toll on me! who knew#do noooot perceive this
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How am I supposed to sleep before monaco!?!? I'm so stressed, I'm gonna gave a stress induced nightmares istg
#also abt quali#i thought i had recovered from it but man every time i get reminded of those last laps i just get an emotional hit in the chest yknow?#i wanna rewatch max's lap bcs its rly good but it still hurts too much#but like going on reddit and seeing the quali classification was like a shot to the heart 😭#i keep thinking abt it and like its so hard to not feel supremely emotionally damaged by it even tho i loved the amazing racing#it was just.... +100 psychological damage hit#but aaaaaahhhhh i feel so amped up! how am i supposed to sleep!#i did *not* miss getting the stress nightmares abt missing the race#i forgot abt them because miami was in my timezone#but then i literally woke up an hr before my alarm for quali bcs stress#but now im gonna be unable to fall asleep bcs fear and then wake up at like 6 am shjfkv#okay anyways see you guys tmr and hopefully dont die overnight 🫡#lmao sry im literally the most dramatic person in the world#catie.rambling.txt
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update counselor breakup email scheduled to send at 8:48 am tomorrow 🥳
#if i wasn’t miserable and stressed for other reasons i would feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. lol 🥲 but im proud of myself and i know#it’s the right decision and i rly appreciate everyone who’s encouraged me to do this for the last few months. ty for listening to me#complain and show me what im worth. it genuinely means so much to me#purrs#now i need to get my learners permit… start looking for a place to live…. and find a new local counselor who i can see in person and takes#sliding scale payment and will actually understand me and will have their license etc etc etc. no big deal 🫠#or maybe i just try not having a counselor for a little while and see how i do? but that’s scary. ithink i actually do need one#*showing not show. augh#anyways 2 yrs in a row where my counseling rs has ended partway thru februsry except this time imwthe one ending it 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑#also my track record for sticking with counselors the whole way thru is ABYSMAL lmao. as of this email sending we’re at 3/6 💀😭#(the whole way thru bc ive always had temporary counselors w finite timelines. but im done w that shit. i need someone stuck w me forever ♥️#(and god DAMN if i am not about to get myself exactly that! ♥️)
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i literally have completionist brain but for real life and like. not a fun way for me to play games Definitely not a fun way for me to live irl
#bc in games like. skyrim or what have you i do nottt play them right ik there isnt a right way to play them#but i do every single quest and i pick the options thtall give me the best rewards etc and it just isnt very fun. and rhe point is that its#a role playing game so i should roleplay and if i want to see what happens if i pick the other options i just Make anew save instead of#reloading over and over again. and yet#and its not fun in the sims bc j literally judt force them to max their skills get highest level in their careers complete theiraspirations#and then im just like. ok. and it ends up making my sims games so samey and not fun bc ill Make sims thatr different from eachother but#well. 1. sims 4 sims do not act different from eachother Lmao you Can pick different traits but the most u get is moodlets and maybe 2-5#dialogue options. not that much... vs like skms 3 where each trait could change up a sim a lot#butttt whatever. anyways...#but yeah irl im like Noooo i cant just do this 1 good job bc there are all these other jobs i also need to do i cant pick one major i have#to do all of them i cant Not be able to romance this person !! but real life isnt a video game and that mindset fucking sucks for videogame#anyway... like i like completing a game but i wish i didnt let it ruin games 4 me#bc it rly does i never finish games anymore bc i stress myself out over 100% it...#and i make too many spreadsheets abt them. but i love spreadsheets :[[[[#i should go back to sdv again.. and return to an old save thats another thing#ill obsess iver a game to the point i burn out completely and stop playing and then ill get the urge to play again#but i start a new save and inevitably burn out again and its like ! the devil
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#im freaking out at the prospect that this may be the new normal for awhile#i never know when i get worse if its temporary or ive gotten long term chronically worse tm#i have absolutely no idea whats causing me to be so messed up tho#first was the physical pain hitting like a truck for some weeks but thats not that bad now? that got a bit better#now is just. bone deep exhaustion with 0 escape. for so many days almost in a row ill just feel like i need to randomly collapse and take#a very. very long sleep#i dont know if ive been this bad since i was on birth control years back#.#maybe it rly is just. months of stress and physical pain and slightly relapsing into bulimia and just. s t r e s s#hitting me all at once#lmao i have no idea how im going to get through life like this. im back again at that point where i wish i could just conveniently die
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this cool pretty emo girl keeps asking me for help on how to do the drawing projects and ive been helping her and all but all through message and i cant speak to her irl im pathetic i wanna dig myself into a hole
#u saw her yesterday after a long while cause shes been absent but i didnt dare to talk to her AUGH#i am friends w one of her friends though hes rly cool and i was hoping i could like oh hey how are you my way into their conversation#but i didnt yesterday we had a test and it was pretty stressful and they dit away from where i sit#but in drawing i think shes not w a group so ill try talk to her tomorrow IRL ask her how it went#this is the girl ive been wanting to talk to since day 3 of class the mcr fan who sat next to me hfjfbgkmt#i am introverted and pathetic and queer what about it#hoping tomorrows the day i earn social skills#anyway im with my drawing friends tomorrow who are the coolest humans ive ever met so thats good anyway#this is so lame of me lmao#spikeposting
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