#im relived it was cancelled

[skimmeh]

Now that season two was cancelled can we go back to using the fannon seasons to refer to the story again

Yes I'm still not over that ... I wrote so much documenting that dumb server and it was so uncomplicated before

[fexicoded]

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[29121996]

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[chaseprice]

hi!! hope i’m not a bother. i just came across u and i wanted to ask something,,,

basically, i joined the life is strange fandom in 2018 so i never got to experience the pre-bts era, meaning i didn’t get to experience what rachel was like to the fandom back then or see the different interpretations of her.

i did some digging and i found some fan content of her from 2015-2016 & i’m absolutely infatuated with all aspects of the fanon version of her, especially her personality & how she looked. i totally wanna embody her. also the love is strange vn was so interesting to play, i love how she was written. i’d love to know more!

i stumbled across ur blog while i was doing my digging and i saw an old long post of urs saying how bts didn’t live up to the fandoms expectations, as almost everyone perceived her differently.

sorry for all the yapping LOL but what i basically wanna ask is,,, how *exactly* did the fandom perceive rachel back then (2015-2016). what were some popular headcanons for her? things you guys even considered to be canon? what were some of your own *personal* headcanons? (can be silly, realistic,,, just anything you thought resonated with her)

do you have any favorite arts from that time period that you thought really captured her? what were your hopes for the prequel/rachels character before it was released? what did you want to see in terms of story? was rachel’s style, appearance, & personality extremely different than what you expected? what did you expect?

i assume that rachels treatment in the fandom was different then than what it is now. whether it’s better or worse, i’m not sure. i was hoping u could answer that too😞. recently i’ve just been seeing constant hatred or lack of care for her character so i’m starting to think that if bts was written differently and based on the fandom’s interpretations instead, the hate now wouldn’t be this bad.

from my digging it seems like you guys had alot of fun sculpting rachel’s character on your own, and the interpretations were probably more realistic than what decknine put together.

anyway i’m sorry for the yapping essay on this random saturday, most old lis accounts are dead & i didn’t know who else to ask☹️. just trying to relive what you guys experienced the best i can. hope i’m not bombarding you with this. thank you so much if u respond !!

hiii u def did not bother me, i am not in a position to answer all of these questions, but although it makes me feel ancient, it's cute to see so much passion for rachel and pre-BTS fandom opinion, so i'll try answer some and for the rest (art, hcs, etc.) im just gonna have to direct you to my archive* (will continue under the readmore)

*(tumblr archive is so broken on mobile so you gotta go on pc for this, but also there's so many gifs from that time so it will Definitely slow down your browser). i was insane and 17 years old so like, just excuse all of the cringe content i guess. you can click tag and filter it by either #lis #rachel amber #amberprice or whatever to try and find stuff like art. and i got into lis sept 2015 so that's like, as far back as it will go, but i was fully lisbrained from 2016 through 2018)

to be honest, in alignment with pre-bts thought lmao, rachel is whoever you want her to be. there was less of 'this is a correct objective fact about her personality/history' and more 'yeah, this is an idea the fandom really likes and has become fanon, most likely because it is a nuanced and entertaining and realistic interpretation of what we have seen of her character in lis1' which means people whose opinions conflicted with that might've be contested/laughed at/unpopular, but they weren't wrong per se. there were plenty of people i'd criticise (and ridicule) back then for implying that this teenage girl was evil, and being a teenager myself back then, i'd call them morally reprehensible and cancellable and whatever, but tbh, as an adult now, i can just see that it was simply a boring interpretation of her character informed by misogyny

i'd disagree with the notion that fandom treatment of rachel's character was better before bts, back then there were plenty of people seemingly excited to characterise her as emotionally manipulative, a cheater, deserved what she got, etc. as well, bc tbh, the story did leave room for that interpretation, but it left room for so much more as well. i feel like bts just really locked in on a certain story they wanted to tell plot-wise, and didn't choose to explore a lot of the questions fans had about rachel as a person. it's hard to turn the ambiguity of a friendship turned situationship over a period of 4 years into a playable experience for an audience - so they didn't. regardless, it got people thinking about rachel more, putting a spotlight on her, hence increased attention both positive and negative. i feel like there's just a fundamental difference between what lis1 fans enjoyed about the potential for her character and how she related with chloe and the world around her, and what deck9 wanted to portray in bts (yes they hit the astrological headcanons, the charmingness, her rebellion, the emotional conflicts... but it personally felt hollow, contrived sometimes, i suppose). but there were a lot of people who loved bts (i enjoyed a lot of parts of it!). just, in my opinion, some of those were quite different people from who loved lis1, and with that wave it brought a lot of emotional immaturity to the fandom (like... ship wars, really? that was an insane change to fandom dynamics for me lmao, but maybe i was just spoiled by surrounding myself with people whose takes i respected)

anyway i highly recommend also that if you're hungry for that kind of content, read fanfiction on AO3 by the old fans - by Mogatrat (TON of rachel centric ones there), explosionshark and tippytypewriter, chicknparm (though Cusp is written post-bts, it's informed by pre-bts characterisations), vicepoint (me hehe), def many more good ones out there those r jus my friends so they come to mind first, e.g. i liked homecoming by kriegersan back in the day, but you could def find some more by sorting the lis ao3 page by kudos and reading the older ones that are highly rated featuring rachel. and lastly, my gf wrote a beautifully worded blog post called "The Assassination of Rachel Amber by the Cowards Dontnod and Deck Nine" which gets into some of this from a media crit perspective (not about fandom) in a very eloquent way thru comparison w twin peaks and i highly recommend that

rachel hcs that def started way before bts: skater rachel, stoner rachel, punk music listener rachel (but also like, fleetwood mac cranberries cocteau twins grungy hippy stuff rachel too), rachel's parents being distant and still living in california, curvy thick rachel, things that i've accepted as canon but were def created by diff people: bri explosionshark hc'd that rachel paid for chloe's sleeve, mogatrat (i think) hc'd that rachel initially went to get her nips pierced with chloe (that's a longtime fan hc now idk who started that one) but chickened out at the last minute, i think she also hc'd that chloe made the earring for rachel which is cute too

[threestripeslider]

TMNT03: Dark Turtles Headcanon Time

no you do not get a choice, now listen to me. a lot of it is probably inspired by @amevello-blue Dark Turtle fics on AO3, especially the names bc i for one would’ve never come up with that lmao so credits to them and also Read their Fics no i am not Asking.

anyway. im mad we didnt get a 2nd season of Fast Forward that potentially included a Dark Turtles Redemption and all i can think about is them getting taken in by Cody when the turtles travel back to their time and if you know me, im all about the Found Family Shenanigans. so after some grumbling and growling and hissing the boys settle in and finally get to be more than just weapons of destruction.

DaVinci [Dark!Leo]

nicknamed Vin or Vinny

"i don’t give a shit.” actually gives a LOT of shits

grows to be overprotective but in a really unconventional and grumpy way, ESPECIALLY about Cody and Simoni – when he doesn’t like where they’re at, he will literally scruff them and lift them up to another place, usually behind him

Bad Communication

So bad, oh my god, sir, please just TALK–

while he generally keeps to himself, most of his arguments are caused by him being very uncommunicative or just having no idea how to express what exactly is bothering him

that puts him often at odds with Bardi who will question him the most. one time they nearly duked it out in the middle of the kitchen bc Bardi was handling a sharp knife with his tail and Vin got lowkey worried that he’ll hurt himself or others if he’s not careful but instead of relaying that, he said something along the lines of “you’re shit at handling a blade” and it went downhill from there

he grows a substantial bonsai collection, but the one he got from Splinter is obviously the most well taken care of (he secretly named them all)

only Cody knows bc he was passing by and heard Vin talking to someone named Eliza and when Cody took a peek it was obvious that Vin meant the bonsai he was grooming at that time

PLEASE do not mess with his plants – not only will he severely maim you, he’ll also be very upsetti >:’(

Simoni once gifted him a turtle-shaped watering can as a joke but Vin uses it religiously

the lense over his left eye is actually removable but will leave him half-blind since his left eye is pretty much an empty socket with a prosthetic replacement in it – once he’s more comfortable, he begins removing the lense when he goes to sleep so he can actually close both of his lids

works out a lot, mostly bc the routine calms him (and he likes being the one who can hold back his brothers with just one hand)

once, Cody took them to the less populated countryside to show them the world beyond the city and went stargazing at night, ever since then Vin would sometimes sneak into the simulation room just to relive that moment over and over again bc it’s been the calmest he’s ever felt

Sanzio [Dark!Raph]

nicknamed Sunny

this guy LOVES to lie in the sun – ever since they existed, they’ve mostly been confined underground so the first time he actually got the opportunity to lie down on the roof of Cody’s home and feel the sun, he’d been hooked

Professional Napper™

yknow how cats loaf a lot? yeah he does that – in general, his and Simoni’s legs are the most flexible

you’d think he’s a heavy sleeper, but he’s scared Cody shitless countless of times when the kid tried to spend time with him as quietly as possible only to pass a glance and see those glum yellow eyes already staring back at him

while he can’t retract into his shell, he’s the only one who can achieve the closest thing to it by tucking himself as tightly as possible beneath his carapace

has the worst time during shedding season since his shell is the widest, so Cody and Starlee usually help him peel off his scutes – while he doesn’t feel it, he does not like the sound of it and wears noise-cancelling headphones

despite his initial aggression, Sunny is actually the calmest of his brothers, mostly bc he doesn’t have a lot to say since everyone else seems to run on higher energy than he does, so he can appear a little slow

if you annoy him, he will literally move away from you wordlessly

like, fuck getting into a verbal altercation, if someone just up and moved away from me mid-conversation and then settle down somewhere way off, that would emotionally damage me more than anything else

a fruit fiend, Serling has begun to buy the triple amount of fruits than he usually gets just bc Sunny keeps eating them – he doesnt even peel them

his favorites are cantaloupes and he eats them like apples

dont tell anyone, but Starlee is secretly his favorite bc she treats him like a huge cat

probably the laziest of all of them, yet physically he remains the strongest

likes watching movies – he doesnt particularly favor any genre, but he does noticeably watch a lot of documentaries. Cody thinks the narration soothes him

Bardi [Dark!Donnie]

nicknamed simply B

ngl he’s a bit of a Bitch

high-strung and high-maintenance, it drives Vin and Simoni up the fucking walls

he’s the moodiest, most standoffish of all his brothers and prone to constant sarcasm – however despite complaining about it, he never stops explaining the things he’s doing when asked

bit of an Instigator, it’s better to keep him busy so he won’t get bored and get ideas on how to entertain himself – naturally, he’s a fan of soap operas, the more dramatic the better

Bardi: this is a fun show Vin: the main character’s mother just died on screen Bardi: exactly, it’s hilarious

he was the hardest nut to crack, but Starlee eventually got to him by purposefully coding a system incorrectly while he was in the lab with her and he got so fed up he took over some of the work – it’s only later that he realized he got tricked into helping

oddly enough, that warmed him up to Starlee

he appears a lot more agreeable within a lab setting, but outside of it he will freely mock Cody for not knowing how to fry an egg (he doesn’t know either, he’s a hypocrite)

clearly uncomfortable with anything that involves emotions bc he sees them as a weakness and liability since Darius used to punish them for being anything but battle-hungry monsters – it takes him quite a while to come to terms that he is allowed to feel and let others feel in turn

he’s still super bad at comforting crying people tho, he’s not good with tears and usually just kind of. taps ppl with his tail like “there, there” while looking incredibly uncomfortable

despite his waspish know-it-all attitude he does warm up to everyone in the house and becomes a little possessive – these people belong in HIS bale and his tail has gained this reflex where it would start to wrap around the person he feels is being threatened to be taken from him

he used to squint a lot, like this angry, suspicious squint until Cody figured out he needed glasses

Cody: dont you get tired from all the squinting? Bardi: thats how i look Cody: do you. i think you need glasses Bardi: i need what now

Bardi is still kind of miffed that this didnt occur to him first

he files his claws regularly to keep them sharp “just in case” but wears special tips so he wont accidentally nick anyone, not since he did so with Simoni who immediately went to snitch to Vin

Simoni [Dark!Mikey]

gets called Moni, Mon or Monmon a lot

silly guy!! little guy!! dont let him bite you

the easiest to get along with – while he is a total wildcard and mischievous, he’s super curious about the world that was withheld from them and just. dives right in

absolutely does not understand video games at first despite having vague memories of them thanks to Mikey’s genes, but one all-nighter spent with Cody trying out the newest game on the market, he’s all for it

loves mangas more thann comic books – Cody just KNOWS Mikey would scream “BLASPHEMY!”

actually really loves reading bc he can learn so much and begins to have this huge assortment of random trivia in his head that he’ll just randomly blab out when it becomes relevant – or even when it’s not

the armor on his right leg isnt actual armor but a legit prosthetic after Cody scanned them for initial health checks

he can actually roll his tongue up into his mouth but bc of its current size, he cant keep it inside – him and Cody are still looking into corrective surgeries since there is the danger of his tongue being in the way of his breathing

while he likes a good brawl with his brothers, he hightails it out when Vin and Bardi start fighting since that energy always feels like wanting to cause genuine hurt. so he usually hides away for a few hours until he thinks the coast is clear or Cody/Starlee/Sanzio manage to coax him out

the Champion of Hide n’ Seek – he hides in the most unlikely places and nobody has any idea how he even manages to fit into some of these spots

he’s the most flexible, making him very nimble and acrobatic – he absolutely loves to climb stuff and especially likes to hang from the ceiling to scare the others

do Not touch his food. it’s not even a fun thing – he’s very protective of his food since Darius saw him as the runt of the litter for being smaller and naive and thus used to feed him the least, if at all

he will freely share his food however, but it has to come from his own will

Starlee once brought a pack of little fruit jelly cups and he’s been obsessed with them ever since

while he’s way more expressive than his brothers, he still gets incredibly nervous when involved in an emotional conversation – it takes him a while to realize nobody will punish him for feeling down and expressing it

the kind of guy who will randomly throw out theoretical or philosophical questions that make you have an existential crisis for a good few hours

Simoni: is fish wet when underwater Bardi: what the fuck, obviously, you moron Simoni: yeah but it lives there, water isnt wet to them Bardi: that’s– what? Sanzio: ...im going to bed.

[banqanas]

congrats and happy to fanta for finishing their first arena tour safely but im gonna be a party pooper and be like. HSJ2023 only had 6 shows but I still got to see one, while IF_FNT had 13 shows but I didn't get to see even one like.

I honestly thought i would be able to see at least one during the tour's run and join in the fun with everyone... i want to see fanta reliving their cancelled 2019 arena tour too......i want to experience this milestone with them too yknow...........

Thats it i guess....i see.....Okay. thats how it is. Im gonna.

[localgardenweed]

Sitting and sadly staring into the abyss waiting and watching for smth to make life worth while again. Trying to get over my internet social anxiety cause weirdly i would rather say hi to someone in real life than send in a ask without anonymity or send a dm saying you’re awesome sauce.

At this point im so aimless and empty brain I have like no motivation for anything anymore its actually crazy. I have no idea what to do with myself cause my spark for art is hanging by a thread cause of my AP Art class and im trying to scramble together smth like “guys if i draw enough CKND personas for people and draw enough hetalia japan doodles everything will be okay it will all cancel out” when im sobbing and letting my tears smudge the ink and have this blaring in the back and my fists slam into the desk, lime lays chip crumbs all over my face when I know I should probably stop eating them cause my last job fucked me over so bad I had to emotionally stress eat and now have high cholesterol

I need another high i need a new spike of fire, i desperately crave the days I was so crazy into Hetalia, Eddsworld and CKND I NEED IT BACK I WANT THE AVATAR BACK /ref. I need to go back in time and relive the high it’s actually crazy. I tried to dive bacj into past fandoms like Lupin III, Mr Osomatsu and others but they dont hit the same and OMG AS I WAS TYPING THIS THE OSOMATSU SAN SEASON 1 OP STARTED PLAYING OMFG ITS A SIGN

Anyway please please I beg of you send requests for drawings I need content i need nutrients

[theatrekidstatus]

Chapter 14

-10 months later, a week before the wedding- y/n pov: "I have an idea" "What" I ask in disbelief that my wedding was in 1 week "BACHELORETTE PARTY" "What have I said" "No not like a strip club party like drinks, shopping, food, challenges, dancing" "sure" "YAY I'm calling pips and nea"

-on phone-

"Hey Pips,nea" "y/n JUST agreed to a bachelorette party" "K"

"They coming" "yeah" "nice can I tell you a secret" "of course""I love ant and I wanna marry him but I'm also SO FUCKING NERVOUS" "that's normal for weddings" "but the feeling it makes me feel like a bad fiance" I say tears swarming my eyes "y/n your not a bad fiance if anything ANT is probably crying to the guys about how nervous he is" "what if I leave the altar on impulse" "then I'll chase after you and cancel the wedding" "WHAT IF ANT RUNS AWAY" "then Ill beat his ass" "your funny" "I'm for really" "hey girls" "what's up" "lets plan this party" "oh jazz how's Carson" "we broke up" "WHY" "he was cheating and flirting with girls at work" "I never liked him anyway" "yeah he seemed sketchy" "I love you guys" "love you too jazz" "Im kind of happy because I found a new crush" "TELL MEH" "no lets plan" "ugh fine" "can I borrow your phone jazz" "sure" "aww I'm still your home screen" "oh yeah" she says while letting out a chuckle "what do you need my phone for" "I wanna look up something" "NO" "wha-" I open the and porn started playing no any porn GAY PORN "AHHH" I shriek while throwing her phone to her when I calmed down I realised she was crying "jazz I understand this is embarrassing but not we're not judging you for watching...... that or being gay" "thank you but you threw my phone AT MY EYE" "oh shit I'm so sorry" "it's good" "I don't think it will become black" "good" she said letting out a little relived moan as she placed the veggies on her eye "I'm going to miss not married y/n" "I am going to miss kissing you without feeling guilty" she chuckled "now let's actually plan"

-After planning- "Oh update I'm almost done moving with Ant" "Let us see your room"

"I LOVE IT" Jazzy yells "It's cute" "Yeah," Pippa and Nea say" "can we still have sleepovers," Jazzy asks "OF COURSE" I yell back "shit it's kinda late can we stay here" "of course" "I am going to shower"

-After showering- I walk into my room and hear the girl whisper "Watcha talking about" "NOTHING" "Okay"

Jazzy pov: Carson recently cheated on me his excuse was "Well if you're bi you practically cheating on me with girls" Because I came out to him -10 months later, a week before the wedding- "I have an idea" I shared "what" she asked in disbelief that my wedding was in 1 week "BACHELORETTE PARTY" I shout "what have I said" she asks "no not like a strip club party like drinks, shopping, food, challenges, dancing" I tell "sure" she agrees "YAY I'm calling pips and nea"

-on phone-

"Hey Pips,nea" "Hey how are you holding up" Y/n JUST agreed to a bachelorette party" "Oh you there with her We'll talk later promise" "K"

"They coming" "yeah" "nice can I tell you a secret" "of course"m"I love ant and I wanna marry him but I'm also SO FUCKING NERVOUS" "that's normal for weddings" "but the feeling it makes me feel like a bad fiance" I say tears swarming my eyes "y/n your not a bad fiance if anything ANT is probably crying to the guys about how nervous he is" "what if I leave the altar on impulse" "then I'll chase after you and cancel the wedding" "WHAT IF ANT RUNS AWAY" "then Ill beat his ass" "your funny" "I'm for really" "hey girls" "what's up" "lets plan this party" "oh jazz how's Carson" "we broke up" "WHY" "he was cheating and flirting with girls at work" "I never liked him anyway" "yeah he seemed sketchy" "I love you guys" "love you too jazz" "Im kind of happy because I found a new crush" "TELL MEH" "no lets plan" "ugh fine" "can I borrow your phone jazz" "sure" "aww I'm still your home screen" "oh yeah" she says while letting out a chuckle "what do you need my phone for" "I wanna look up something" "NO" "wha-" I open the and porn started playing no any porn GAY PORN "AHHH" she shrieks while throwing my phone to her then it hit my eye when she calmed down she realised I was crying "jazz I understand this is embarrassing but not we're not judging you for watching...... that or being gay" "thank you but you threw my phone AT MY EYE" "oh shit I'm so sorry" "it's good" "I don't think it will become black" renèe shees "good" I said letting out a little relived moan as I placed the veggies on her eye "I'm going to miss not married y/n" I share "I am going to miss kissing you without feeling guilty" I chuckled "now let's actually plan"

-after planning-

"Oh update almost done moving with Ant" "Let us see your room demand

"I LOVE IT" I yell "It's cute" "Yeah," pippPippa Nea says" "can we still have sleepovers," I ask "OF COURSE" she yelled back "shit it's kinda late can we stay here" "ofAftersshoweringingam going to shower"

-After showering- "Are you ok that your crush is getting married NEXT WEEK" "Of course but she's happy so I'm happy She walked into Watcha's room and heard us whispering "Watcha talking about" "NOTHING" We shouted "Okay"

[raincamp]

7 - 27 - 23

today has been... a lot. i have a lot to talk about because it really just keeps snowballing, ive had the worst fucking BPD episode today

so i wrote this this morning, expecting to get to actually have a session with my therapist today, since yk, i did finally make an appointment with her referral (for context if you didn't read my last posts, she basically said: no appts until i start addiction counseling bc she can't treat addiction) //

"i've been having the worst and most painful fucking week of my life only for everything to be entirely made up by my imagination, oh how i fucking hate paranoid ideation

as i'm writing this i have about an hour before my therapy appointment— which i was one hundred and ten percent sure was going to be rescheduled, and that i was going to be terminated, because apparently my therapist doesn't like me— and i'm having so many urges to like, hurt myself, or do something to prove that I've been in pain this week because now that i've realized it was all just paraoia my pain no longer feels valid, or justifiable, or even real because of my emotional impermanence making it literally impossible for me to relive the emotions i was experiencing even 5 hours ago.

im partly glad that i only blew up at her once, i think i would be so much more embarrassed had i not. not to say that im not entirely ashamed of my entire reaction to something as small as this, but i also feel like she would've been able to understand how much I've been struggling this week if i had. and since I can't wholly remember how it felt, if it exists in somebody else then it makes it more real. idk. i just want my pain to be validated by her so much."

i was fully ready for her to text me today and be like "oh chill you made an appt see you in an hour" but what i got instead was radio silence. so i checked my appointment portal only to see our standing appointments for the next 3 weeks cancelled.

believe me when i say, my heart fucking dropped, i mean like, it was on the fucking floor, i was hit so hard i couldnt breathe for several minutes.

so, yk, i text her begging for an appointment like the pathetic emotional parasite that i am, and all i get in response is a "we can reschedule once you've attended your intake appointment" so i was like, welp, that sucks bc my intake is next week on a Thursday, so now i have to go two weeks without therapy. absolutely triggered the fuck out of me, i was crying, SOBBING on my floor, it just hurt so fucking much. i felt like i was being ripped apart and sewn crudely back together again, over and over again, everytime i calmed down enough to breathe it would start over again, wave after wave of sadness and shame and abandonment and rage and grief and desperation. i just wanted to stop feeling so much PAIN.

and yk what i did, instead of hurting myself like i nornally would, i texted my therapist like i've been taught to in DBT. she's SUPPOSED to be there to help me when i need it. thats literally in her contract.

mid-sob i typed out a message that was more akin to me begging her to pull me out of a sea of misery and perform CPR on me than professionally asking for help, but i genuinely didnt know what to do, and i STILL don't, because distress tolerance only goes so far, ive been feeling like this, constantly, since our last session.

and she just responded with reminding me that she set the boundary a week ago and we talked about a referral 11 days ago, but she was available for an appointment in two weeks (meaning ANOTHER week without therapy, total: 3) . completely ignoring my plea for help. it felt like she was telling me "hey just a reminder, this is entirely a consequence of your own actions. have fun dealing with it yourself!!"

i have fucking BPD, the only way i KNOW how to deal with anything is by hurting either myself or the people around me. and im THIS close to self destructing and quitting therapy altogether.

i am so fucking pissed at her, idk how she can expect me to survive three weeks without stable treatment. especially after i was hospitalized last month for a suicide attempt?? she knows how much im suffering right now. is keeping a boundary really so important that she can't even help me when im hurting this much?

all i want right now is to scream at her, and im definitely going to, at the very least, be as much of an arse as i can over text, idk, i feel like i deserve to let myself be angry at her. its definitely justified, despite what i said before. theres clear evidence now that I wasn't being paranoid.

i just feel so abandoned by her, physically and emotionally, i feel like i have nobody, i feel like im back to where i was before i started treatment. its so frustrating, and painful. and the fact that this is due to an addiction that i dont have any control over is making me feel even worse.

im trying to figure out why she's doing this, like, she's shown shes competent, i genuinely cant understand how doing this is supposed to help me. how is putting me through this much pain going to help? its making me so unstable. and ik im going to relapse again at some point before i get to see her again.

im trying not to think about it anymore, because everytime i do i start crying again. its to the point where i have a killer headache and my eyes hurt so much from the amount of tears ive spilled.

i fucking hate this disorder so much. nobody but me would be this attached to their therapist. normal people would be able to cope with someone setting boundaries easily. this shouldnt be causing me to feel this way. its not fair. im so exhausted from having to hurt so much all the time, at this point its chronic, its become background noise, its my idle state, and im enraged about it.

i hope good omens season 2 lives up to my expectations.

- andrew

[3cheers4evil]

just had a MAJOR mbav dream im jotting this down before i forget more of it 💢

- i hung out with sarah like 90% of the time. we went shopping right before i woke up

- ethan suddenly figured out my full name given at birth and suddenly the entire gang appeared and were like Wow how did you do that! and ethan said he speaks like 2 european languages and figured it out by my chosen name (doesnt make sense btw)

- rory really excitedly told me about the fact that the school was supposed to attend a singing talent show circa 2011 but they had to cancel

- whenever benny approached me erica appeared beside me and stared at him watchfully :) <3 my girlfrienf

- benny asked me to go to the neighborhood pool with him. suddenly me and the gang went “only if they can come with us” / “only if we can come with you” simultaneously #fanggangprotectingmefrombenny2023

- the pool was fun as far as i can remember. i wore the swimsuit i’ve been wanting to buy. maybe this is what the dream was all about /j

- i broke the fourth wall and said my 8 year old self would be freaking out right now and they said awwwww and we took a group pic of everyone hugging

- i broke the fourth wall Again and claimed i dont have a home in whitechapel how am i all the way in canada

- FUCK. I JUST REMEMBERED I WAS TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE BY JESSE JDHSHEJRJRJEJRJTJJDJW

- it was very intense it was like me reliving the party in the movie but it was 2 years later with a lot of fighting. then jesse won over me. i wasn’t so resistant except for the fact that it was him getting at me ew

- i like immediately went to drain a random person so i become a full vampire

- i constantly felt my fangs and since i have a lip ring i kept playing witj it it felt so real

- despite being in canada me and the vamps flew to my friend’s ice cream shop. then to my old high school. then back to our high school

- there was a blank scene but me and sarah went to school together right from my (canadian…?) house and it was implied that we had a sleepover before school <3

- i really felt like i was in 2012/2013 with them and it gradually became more nostalgic and i got out of touch with the fact that i’m there lol

[alonelymidwestdreamer]

fuckin peachy

———

i really thought i could do it

i dont know why

well, no

fuck that

i do know why

i thought i could get my shit together, finally, because people are supporting me

because im not keeping myself in a shitty relationship

because im forcing myself to sit with just myself and learn to be ok with that

because im trying to be a good person

because i was making fucking progress

i was taking steps

someone, maybe everyone, is gonna say that progress isnt linear

but have you ever been forced off road after just getting off a detour, just getting used to a nice straight highway

it doesnt still feel like progress

in fact, it feels like why not take another drink, why not feel good instead of crying over a cancellation

it feels like why not pick that pocket knife back up, why not take a hammer to your knuckles till theyre all purple

why not see if that one girl you ruined ur life for over and over finally has u unblocked

it doesnt feel like progress

it feels like derailment

im losing my fucking mind

ive been watching this show

its sadder than hell but i can’t stop watching it

it reminds me of that girl who i, yk, ruined my life over

she was a pisces

it reminds me of her because it reminds me of all the trauma she sat through with me

it reminds me of being homeless and of my parents fights and my fights with my parents and just

everything

it reminds me of things i buried pretty damn deep

this show triggers the fuck out of me

i cant sit with myself reliving this shit, but she sat through all that with me as it happened

she was the only constant in my life for so many years

but me wanting to get better was the breaking point

that was the line

we used to scream at each other

shed trigger me on purpose when i made her mad

how fucked up is that

but when i wanted to fix myself, when i wanted to create a life that could hold her and i both in it without all the fucking anger

that was that

she still has me blocked

i havent told almost anyone, although now youll all know, but i made a new account, just to try to talk to her

when someones in ur life for so long and so deeply it just feels wrong when they leave

or maybe thats just me

i hadnt talked to her in like two years?

i just wanted to know what her life looks like now

she did not believe that

and shes still mad at me

ig i never realized she ruined her life over me too

when i asked how she was she said “what are you drunk or something?”

i really thought i could do it, i thought i could be ok

i just wanna get drunk

all the time

i wish i was drunk when i messaged her

i wish she was right

i wished a little too hard ig cuz i did start drinking again

i keep pretending its not all i think about

its not that serious, cant be

if it was that serious someone would notice right?

being drunk doesnt even feel great anymore

but if im gonna fuck up by just existing, at least i get an excuse if im shitfaced

i tried so hard

i mean im still trying

but every day i get closer to doing it again and again and again

isnt that embarrassing?

i dont like it, i dont want to

i just also dont like me very much

and who would even care

no one noticed the first time until i told them, i think honestly everyone preferred me buzzed all the time until they knew thats what it was

no one knew i was overdosing in bledsoes room either tho

sitting behind keleah in college algebra trig

the room spinning so violently i thought i was dying

i guess i was dying technically

after, i sat in the rose garden with someone and tried to breathe

i walked my siblings home

i thought i was gonna die

no one even knew

i went home and threw up four or five times

i threw up so much i thought i was gonna suffocate cuz i couldnt catch a breath

my mom didnt even ask why i threw up

so at least its just drinking again

and its not as frequent anyways

fuck i really was doing so good

i swear i was

[ladychlo]

x

[jaanwangji]

.

[wackology]

Doomer Dick

[theatrekidstatus]

Chapter 13

-10 months later, a week before the wedding- y/n pov: "I have an idea" "What" I ask in disbelief that my wedding was in 1 week "BACHELORETTE PARTY" "What have I said" "No not like a strip club party like drinks, shopping, food, challenges, dancing" "sure" "YAY I'm calling pips and nea"

-on phone-

"Hey Pips,nea" "y/n JUST agreed to a bachelorette party" "K"

"They coming" "yeah" "nice can I tell you a secret" "of course""I love ant and I wanna marry him but I'm also SO FUCKING NERVOUS" "that's normal for weddings" "but the feeling it makes me feel like a bad fiance" I say tears swarming my eyes "y/n your not a bad fiance if anything ANT is probably crying to the guys about how nervous he is" "what if I leave the altar on impulse" "then I'll chase after you and cancel the wedding" "WHAT IF ANT RUNS AWAY" "then Ill beat his ass" "your funny" "I'm for really" "hey girls" "what's up" "lets plan this party" "oh jazz how's Carson" "we broke up" "WHY" "he was cheating and flirting with girls at work" "I never liked him anyway" "yeah he seemed sketchy" "I love you guys" "love you too jazz" "Im kind of happy because I found a new crush" "TELL MEH" "no lets plan" "ugh fine" "can I borrow your phone jazz" "sure" "aww I'm still your home screen" "oh yeah" she says while letting out a chuckle "what do you need my phone for" "I wanna look up something" "NO" "wha-" I open the and porn started playing no any porn GAY PORN "AHHH" I shriek while throwing her phone to her when I calmed down I realised she was crying "jazz I understand this is embarrassing but not we're not judging you for watching...... that or being gay" "thank you but you threw my phone AT MY EYE" "oh shit I'm so sorry" "it's good" "I don't think it will become black" "good" she said letting out a little relived moan as she placed the veggies on her eye "I'm going to miss not married y/n" "I am going to miss kissing you without feeling guilty" she chuckled "now let's actually plan"

-After planning- "Oh update I'm almost done moving with Ant" "Let us see your room"

"I LOVE IT" Jazzy yells "It's cute" "Yeah," Pippa and Nea say" "can we still have sleepovers," Jazzy asks "OF COURSE" I yell back "shit it's kinda late can we stay here" "of course" "I am going to shower"

-After showering- I walk into my room and hear the girl whisper "Watcha talking about" "NOTHING" "Okay"

Jazzy pov: Carson recently cheated on me his excuse was "Well if you're bi you practically cheating on me with girls" Because I came out to him -10 months later, a week before the wedding- "I have an idea" I shared "what" she asked in disbelief that my wedding was in 1 week "BACHELORETTE PARTY" I shout "what have I said" she asks "no not like a strip club party like drinks, shopping, food, challenges, dancing" I tell "sure" she agrees "YAY I'm calling pips and nea"

-on phone-

"Hey Pips,nea" "Hey how are you holding up" Y/n JUST agreed to a bachelorette party" "Oh you there with her We'll talk later promise" "K"

"They coming" "yeah" "nice can I tell you a secret" "of course"m"I love ant and I wanna marry him but I'm also SO FUCKING NERVOUS" "that's normal for weddings" "but the feeling it makes me feel like a bad fiance" I say tears swarming my eyes "y/n your not a bad fiance if anything ANT is probably crying to the guys about how nervous he is" "what if I leave the altar on impulse" "then I'll chase after you and cancel the wedding" "WHAT IF ANT RUNS AWAY" "then Ill beat his ass" "your funny" "I'm for really" "hey girls" "what's up" "lets plan this party" "oh jazz how's Carson" "we broke up" "WHY" "he was cheating and flirting with girls at work" "I never liked him anyway" "yeah he seemed sketchy" "I love you guys" "love you too jazz" "Im kind of happy because I found a new crush" "TELL MEH" "no lets plan" "ugh fine" "can I borrow your phone jazz" "sure" "aww I'm still your home screen" "oh yeah" she says while letting out a chuckle "what do you need my phone for" "I wanna look up something" "NO" "wha-" I open the and porn started playing no any porn GAY PORN "AHHH" she shrieks while throwing my phone to her then it hit my eye when she calmed down she realised I was crying "jazz I understand this is embarrassing but not we're not judging you for watching...... that or being gay" "thank you but you threw my phone AT MY EYE" "oh shit I'm so sorry" "it's good" "I don't think it will become black" renèe shees "good" I said letting out a little relived moan as I placed the veggies on her eye "I'm going to miss not married y/n" I share "I am going to miss kissing you without feeling guilty" I chuckled "now let's actually plan"

-after planning-

"Oh update almost done moving with Ant" "let us see your room demand

"I LOVE IT" I yell "it's cute" "Yeah," pippPippa Nea says" "can we still have sleepovers," I ask "OF COURSE" she yelled back "shit it's kinda late can we stay here" "ofAftersshoweringingam going to shower"

-After showering- "Are you ok that your crush is getting married NEXT WEEK" "Of course but she's happy so I'm happy She walked into Watcha's room and heard us whispering "Watcha talking about" "NOTHING" We shouted "Okay"

[barnes-n-nobles]

Mine (NONCON SMUT)

Request: Can you make a very dark!druig when he impregnate the reader without consent so she cannot leave him. If she is a eternal he does this so she can go with him to amazon . If she is a mortal he does this because she wants to break up with him

Thank you for your request! Please reblog, like, and let me know what you think!

Warnings: aggressive Druig, very noncon smut, forced breeding, mentions of attempted murder (not to reader), overall dark toxic behavior 

18+ !!!! If you “keep reading” you are acknowledging that you are 18+ and that you have read the warnings.

Please Do not translate, no permission to repost any of my writing on any other platform, and do not copy this and claim it as your own.

You paced back and forth in your room, thinking on how you would be breaking the news to him. Trying to decide between lying and telling the truth had you all worked up. Should you tell him that you needed time to focus on work and school? Or should you say that you couldn't handle being with his possessive ass no more? “fuck” you muttered running your fingers through your hair anxiously. Druig had brought you to your breaking point last night, he had crossed a very serious line. Your phone rang making you jump a little, heart racing as you noticed it was him calling. He finally read your text asking to meet up at a coffee shop near your home, he surely was going to cancel if he was calling you and not texting you. Debating whether or not to answer it, the call went to voicemail, feeling relived you picked it up and opened his recent message. “Not happening. I'm coming to you now” the text read, making your eyes widen. The purpose of going to the coffee shop was so he wouldnt get all loud with you, but now that he was going to come to your house he would most likely do just that. He did live kind of close so it didn't give you much time to prepare your so called speech. 

*knock* your head snapped to the door, hoping it would be anyone but him. “open the door y/n..its cold as fuck out here” his tone sharp, indicating that he was already mad. Perfect, just what you needed. Swinging the door open, you tried to put up a front, this was going to be the day that you would finally stand up for yourself. “Come on in Druig, we need to talk” stepping aside so he could come in. “Yes we do..why have you been acting so weird since yesterday” he questioned as he took a seat at the dinner table. Rolling your eyes you closed the door, turning to face him with a look of disgust, “are you serious? Why have I been acting weird? Oh i don't know because you almost killed someone yesterday Druig” your voice getting a little higher, loosing your cool. “all because your imaginative mind told you the waiter was flirting with me. He was doing his job, Druig but youre too insecure to see that. You think everyone is out to get me and honestly I cant deal with it anymore”. His jaw clenched at your words, his chest rising up and down feeling his adrenaline start to spike, “waiters dont go around telling women, “I hope you enjoyed the food beautiful” do they? he was looking at you the entire time he came to our table, and I tried to keep myself from ripping his eyes out but that last shit was too far. I cant believe you feel bad for the fucker, maybe I should have stabbed his neck deeper. Killed him on the spot in front of you” he barked standing from his chair. 

He ignored your last statements, knowing you couldn't have meant it but you knew him too well. You needed to repeat it for him so he could understand that you refused to back down, “no im not doing this with you anymore. You use your powers to do evil shit like this and it doesn't sit well with me. The fact that you erased everyone's memories to not get arrested is cowardly. You're really out here doing bad things and I don't want that in my life. Were done”. Laughter soon filled the room making your eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. Why was he laughing like a madman? “youre too funny love..you know you cant do that” slowly getting more and more serious. His boots resonated on the floor as he approached you, making you take a few steps back, “ do you want me to remind you why?” his voice barely above a whisper as he trapped you against a wall, “you belong to me y/n..dont ever say that shit again” he added, his facial expressions showing his discontent. “No Druig...im telling you no. I need you to leave” you said looking him dead in the eyes. His smiled returned, “No” acting as this were a joke. 

“im serious..get out” index finger pointing to the door, sounding assertive. “make me” he teased pressing himself onto you. You pulled out your phone from your side pocket, holding down the button that would connect you to a 911 operator. Druig heard your phone vibrate as the countdown started on your phone, quickly taking it from your hand. “so stupid” his hand crushing it into pieces. Before you could react he grabbed you by your hair and dragged you to your bedroom, yelping at the feeling. “Youre not leaving me y/n..I dont care what you say or do. You are not going anywhere” His hands started to unbuckle his pants, smirking as your frightened frame sat on the bed. His eyes turned gold, accepting the fact that you were about to get your mind blocked and most likely get your memories erased. “just get it over with..but remember this I will never forgive you. I will continue to fight you until you let me go yourself; I promise you. HELP ME SOMEBODY” your hands banging on the walls, hoping the neighbors in your town house could hear you. Druigs face twitched in anger as he pinned you down. Your clothes tore by themselves thanks to Druig removing them with his mind, your body getting goosebumps as the crisp air surrounded your naked body. “Scream and yell all you want princess..no one can hear you. I have everyone under a deep sleep, no one can help you” he smiled crashing his lips against your own, “you can put up that strong girl facade but I know who you really are y/n..if youre so confident that youre going to leave me then I guess I have no choice but to put a baby inside you” he said forcing himself between your legs, chuckling darkly at your pathetic attempts to keep them closed.

“no please stop” you begged, body jolting and writhing under him. “My sweetheart..you make me so horny when you fight me, It makes me want you that much more” his dick pushed itself inside you, stretching you out nice and wide. As he moved himself inside you, you could feel the wetness coat his dick. He swiveled his hips into you, hissing at the feeling. You bit your lip to the point where you could taste the blood in your mouth, trying to suppress your moans, eyes tightly shut as he hammered into you. His golden eyes were full of lust as he watched you struggle beneath him, trying so hard to convince yourself that you werent enjoying this, “i h-hate you” you cried, as your nails clawed at his back “and I love you.” he groaned, bending down to the base of your neck, peppering it with sloppy kisses. His teeth soon sunk in, causing you to yelp in pain, “youre going to look so beautiful when you're pregnant baby..so round and full of our child. A stunning mother” he said lifting your legs up, making you wrap them around his waist.

His thrusts got erratic , cursing under his breath as he finally announced “fuck baby im gonna cum” his breath caught in his throat as his dick twitched inside you, shuddering at the feeling. His hips rolled into you a few more times before pulling out, “now stay like this love. We have to make sure it stays nice and tucked inside” he smiled sadistically. You tried to get up, but he pushed you back down with his hand, “I said stay down” he instructed, hand on your chest keeping you in place, “I dont want this Druig..dont do this to me” you pleaded, hand going up to his, caressing it, praying that he would have some mercy. “save your words baby..Im going to keep doing you over and over and over again..you know why? Actually no..you tell me why” he demanded before kissing your lips, holding your face in his hands, “because you own me” you cried knowing that he would get his way every single time, no matter how much you tried to  fight him. Druigs eyes finally changed back to blue, the look of satisfaction plastered all over his face, “exactly”.