#im really sa and i feel empty

[econeechan]

I think Im mourning my own death, my heart hurts so much. I feel so depressed and empty I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't see reasons to keep living.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

july 2024 savanaclaw + 4koma manga updates

There's no Episode of Octavinelle chapter this month! It should also be noted that the next chapter for the Episode of Savanaclaw won't be out until DECEMBER. With that news out of the way, let's get into this month's updates ^^ (It's a lot of me screaming)

Aaaaaah, I'll never get over how pretty this mangaka draws Leona's eyes and hair 😳 LIKE LOOK AT THAT HEAD TURN BACK SHOT, DOES HE NOT LOOK LIKE HE'S A MODEL MAKING A TURN ON THE CATWALK???? ?? ? ????? ? ?? Vil... eat your heart out 🤡 (This probably is not what I should be focusing on in a chapter full of action and high stakes qwegkuvqwoevqwdsa)

The way the other characters are reacting to Leona's UM really lets us see how powerful King's Roar is! You can see how their bodies are being pushed back by the sandstorm, how they're physically bracing themselves against it (like Riddle, Ace, and Grim) or even having their vision obscured and struggling to breathe in the new dry environment (like Deuce).

I didn't share them here, but we also see Leona blowing through many Savanaclaw mobs. The sheer magnitude of power on display is really amazing--and I can see why his UM sparks fear in others.

AYO RUGGIE YOU GO He leaps at Leona and attaches himself to his dorm leader in an attempt to try and get him to stop...

(Warning: lot of barking incoming)

HUH????? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? RUGGGIEIEKZ/???? ? ? ?? ?? ? ? v LEONAKL88onanasan???a?A/a/a///A//???????v? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?ohy mMYG FUFDSKDCKCIUNG GOAFKDk dsmdasnkdfsjlbyadosibiyoadsobadfbiyoegwofaegsouqetqfe LE*inAIBN na GRABBED HJSJUIJN IM BYT THE FFUCKINGGF F NNEDCKKKK>>>>>>????v?v?v??v?v?v?v? 😱 LOOkm at thhHOW RUgigie'es sa FACE AIj ssamS BREAKJGN???? ?? ? ? ? ? ? ? GSITHE SKING IS CRACKIXNG GFAN D TURNING NTO SAND ANDN LOEONA JUST DONES'T JBI EF VE A SINGLE SHITAS RUGIGIE SI WRITHTING OVER HERB E OTL

It's not like seeing Ruggie in this state is anything new; the dialogue hints at it in the game and the light novel also has an illustration of Ruggie with his skin cracking from Leona's UM. It's just... something about seeing it depicted across multiple frames + the sheer desperation in Ruggie's face (and the close-ups, MAN, the close-ups) really amplifies the emotions.

THIS IS LITERALLY THE SASUKE CHOKE MEME, ID ON'T TKNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR TO CRY OR TO BE WORRIED FOR TRUGIGIE

MAYBE ALL THREE 😭😭😭

DAHLBEFQBOUFQEYVIQEFYFQEBIPFOA But also there's a part of me screeching about L*ona gripping your neck like that while glaring at you like you're garbo 🤡

Here's the part where Riddle attempts to collar Leona and fails. Again, I MUST stress how well this mangaka draws Leona's hair and eyes, they are UNMATCHED.

OKAY FIRST IT WAS HUGGING RUGGIE'S NECK, NOW YOU'RE GRIPPING HIM BY THE HAIR????? Leona's handling the perceived traitor so callously 💦 The way Ruggie is looking back up at him, too... Caught up in Leona's shadow and glaring at him with such defiance... declaring that he will never EVER give up.., contrasted with how broken and empty Leona looks before he lets go of Ruggie... telling him to just give into despair… It's a lot of complicated feelings going on right now. As the Savanaclaw light novel elucidates, Leona was afraid of his own dorm members looking to him for leadership, afraid that they would make him hopeful again--because he expects to be let down like he has all those other times he tried to prove his merits. Now everything leading up to this point has proven him right, toppled that hope he had built up because he let himself be taken in by the starry eyed students under him, Ruggie included. AND NOW LOOKING AT RUGGIE, ON THE GROUND AND IN DESPAIR, IS A REFLECTION OF LEONA'S OWN FEELINGS... BUT HE WON'T LET HIMSELF CRY OR BE WEAK LIKE THAT 💀

WOW UH This feels really different from how the same "Leona tried to sand Ruggie" scenes played out in other interpretations of TWST. Here, we more clearly see that, despite the interruption of Riddle trying to collar Leona (which made Leona drop Ruggie for a second), LEONA JUST TURNS RIGHT BACK AROUND AND FULLY COMMITS TO SANDING RUGGIE????? That's so stone cold 😭 Look at the lack of care in Leona's eyes???? They're so blank, he has entirely given up :((

What a way to end a chapter...

Now for a complete tonal shift--

This month's 4koma (there's only one "segment") stars Sebek, who is receiving praise from Crewel for having the top exam score! Ace and Sebek proceed to work on Enigmics/Magic Analysis together. They are stated to share this class together in the game, so that's a consistent bit of lore for ya! In the end, Sebek's able to pull a transportation spell by visualizing where Malleus is. He earns an apple from Crewel for being a "good boy"!! Sebek is then asked to teleport the apple to Malleus and Lilia to demonstrate his mastery of the skill, but accidentally teleports a ton of them.

That's it for this month! A little less content than usual, but still quite substantive. We're getting down to the wire; soon we'll see both Leona and Azul's OBs!!

[m4y4wasnthere]

dallas winston dating hcs!

warnings: a bit suggestive; almost sa? encounter; drinking/smoking mention

a/n: this is my first time doing this lolz, im so srry if its bad!! 🤞🤞

took a long time for him to open up to you, especially after his trust being broken by sylvia

treated you like every other girl; dirty pick up lines, teasing; until he realized you were different and you guys got way closer

first time he opened up was about why he moved from New York to Tulsa. needed to escape from from the emptiness of his own household.

You cried as he told the story, which made him realize how much you actually cared for him. how much he hated to see you cry.

“dal, i’m so sorry. i had no clue you went through- just- all of that.” you wiped your face for the 5th time in 1 hour. your eyes were glazed with gloss as you made eye contact with him.

he looked at you, his heart sinking at how you looked. red eyes, tear-streamed face. he hated seeing you all torn up, it made him stop his pacing on your carpet floors. shes crying, not because of me..but because of what I went through. she cares. he would never cry infront of you, but this time his eyes started to ear up too.

he sat down on the bed next to you, and slowly pulled you in for a hug. you hugged him tight, whispering sweet nothings.

“dal im so sorry”...”you didnt deserve any of that”… “you’re amazing for getting through all of that.”

silence filled the room after a shortwhile, interrupted sometimes by your short sniffs.

his arm was caressing your side, and you felt his breath hitch.

“i-… i love you.” he whispered, his heartbeat quickening with each second of silence passing.

you tilted your head up to his and stared into his beautiful eyes. he struggled keeping his eyes against yours, awaiting your response. he was ready to get up and run, expecting a rejection.

“I love you too Dallas” your voice was clear, contrasting your sweaty palms and your tear stricken face.

Both of you stared into each other eyes in comfortable silence.

he’s never said i love you again after that, he does show it, most he would do is say “you too”

he’s 50/50 with PDA, it depends on who you guys are with, where you guys are at, etc.

he 100% gets super jealous + overprotective of you really easily, if a guy doesn’t leave you alone , he will end up in a fight (you’ll end up scolding him for it)

A soc walked up behind you and touched your waist, “I never knew a greaser could be such a broad..”

You turned around and gently took his hand off of you, “Don’t touch me.” You thought of other things to say, but anything too violent would have you getting jumped.

“Aw c’mon, it was a compliment. You should be grateful.” His voice thickens and he grabs your waist again with more force. Dallas starts walking over to you.

“I don’t feel comfy with a gross Soc touching me!” You struggle pushing his hands off, Dallas ends up right behind you. His arms loosely wrap around your neck, “Is this guy bothering you, doll?” He kisses your cheek, not breaking eye contact with the Soc.

“Oh I see. You’re Dallas Winston’s little slut. Y’know what, I didn’t want to sleep with you anyways” before he was able to walk off, Dallas punched him in the face. Buck had to break up the fight and he ended up limping back to his mustang.

Dallas doesn’t like you smoking often because he knows its bad, despite him going through packs like candy. Once every blue moon you guys would smoke together in his room.

You get drunk easily, and when you’re drunk, you can’t shut up. Dallas had to drag you upstairs to his room so you would stop telling everyone you were horny or you had to pee.

• more suggestive ones •

you guys do it ALOT. quickies are his thing and he doesn’t care where you guys are

he’s a brat tamer. if you don’t act right, he’s dragging you back home and making sure your ass hurts.

lots of choking, pinning you down, tugging at your hair

his favorite positions are doggy style and missionary because he can ‘control’ you way easier. he does like seeing you ride him but sometimes he wishes he could control the pace better, and ends up going into missionary again

he loves overstimulating you, can’t get enough of you moaning his name (ego booster)

[saintship]

i see a lot of ghost coming home to reader after a long mission but what about nurse!reader coming home to ghost after an exhausting shift at the hospital they work at? thank you 💓

CUTE

I tried a bit of characterization here; I believe he would do this in a way that seems blunt but is really very meaningful and premeditated. He’s more comfortable with acts of service than nearly any other showcase of vulnerability.

It’s a Given - Ghost x gn!reader

Simon wasn’t big on phone calls; the only reason you picked up the phone in the middle of your shift.

“Hey. Y’Alright?”

“Yeah, is everything okay?”

“Im just fine. Wanted to make sure you hadn’t collapsed.”

“Well, don’t hold your breath..” you shift your weight, the soreness in your feet and legs aching.

“You’re sweet, but I’m in the middle of a shift.” You speak gently. It pains you to discourage him from calling, but even now, the other residents were staring.

“Right, right, sorry. I’ll see you when you get home?”

“That’s right. I love you, Si.”

“Love you, sweetheart.”

“We need an ABG on a combatant child in 106.” A doctor approached you, handing you the child’s chart.

“On it, thank you.”

Aside from that eight year old girl nearly smacking the needle out of your hand, your shift was more of a drag than stressful. Until, of course, 20 minutes before it ended. Four rapid responses, a code blue, and a violent patient escaping into the lobby, all after another. After those 20 minutes became an hour, you finally caught a gap to leave. You were lucky your car had given out in the garage that morning; if you’d tried to drive instead of taking the bus, you’d be back in that hospital right now.

The sight of your apartment door was almost enough to make you cry. It opened before you could reach for your key, Simon greeting you in sweatpants and a white T shirt. His casual wear along with his mussed hair pulled a smile over your tired features.

“Hi..”

“Hey. Come in, you look like you’ll faint.”

You took his outstretched hand and let him unlace and tug off your boots after shutting the door with his foot.

“I’ve got some dinner for you for after you shower.”

He rose to take your hands again as you rested your back on the wall.

“Thank you..”

“Course.”

Each time he did things like this, took care of you, he always seemed a twinge surprised when you thanked him. As if it was a given; you had a long shift, so he’d look after you. Simple as that.

“Towel’s in there with some clothes.” He nodded with his head to the bathroom.

Since a thank you seemed to pass over him, instead you leaned up and kissed the bridge of his nose gently, right over the scar there, before pressing a proper one to his lips. His hand cradled your head like clockwork, like the both of you were falling into place.

You heard the beeps of the microwave from the bathroom as you rid yourself of your scrubs. The clothes he’d picked included a shirt of his, which made you smile. It was an SAS issued long sleeve from his early days, but still comfortable on you. The hot water washed away the sweat that prickled the back of your neck, the smell of your body wash soothing your senses after hours of a sterile environment.

You wandered into the kitchen still towel drying your hair, unable to resist being near Simon when you finally had the chance again.

“I forgot you still had this.” You tug at the shirt, a warm light in your eye.

“I don’t wear it, but you do. So I keep it.”

He handed you a leftover portion of the recipe you’d both made together the previous night, entirely distracting each other from what was a simple instruction list.

You lean against the counter to eat, Simon wandering behind you to hug your waist.

“I really do appreciate it..you make it easier. If it weren’t for you, I’d probably just pass out in my scrubs and wake up feeling worse.”

“I know.” he replies gently. Knowingly. “But I won’t let that happen.”

He sets your empty dish in the sink, guiding you by hand to the bathroom to join you in brushing your teeth. You’d told him once it was easier to do something hard when he was doing it too, and you’d never had to repeat yourself. He also had a habit of ‘making sure his breath was clean’ by kissing you, which never failed to make you smile. He could be such a dork, and it made your chest hurt with affection.

“You still want to read, or are you too tired?” He asked softly, guiding you to bed.

“I can listen for a bit. I really like when you read.” You reply, settling under the sheets. He stood at his nightstand drawer, sifting through it. “Which one tonight, doc?”

You huff at the nickname, though smiling a bit.

“Pride and Prejudice.”

“Y’go soft when you’re tired, eh?”

“Shut up.”

He grinned, and the sight of it could fuel you for a week’s worth of shifts.

“Alright..” He settled in beside you, lifting one arm to drape over top of you. Your head rested at the soft bit of his hip, toying with the woven bracelet on his unoccupied hand.

“‘No,’ said Darcy.” Simon began. “‘I have a made no such pretension. I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding..’”

When Simon glanced over at you, you were asleep. He set down the book soundlessly, his heart swelling at the way you held onto his forearm in your sleep, and eventually dozed off himself.

It felt like a given.

[the-soggy-sunflower-ship]

Kobylu Week Day 4: Childhood Sweethearts <3

☀️🕶️

Luffy grinned ear-to-ear as he hopped around the tall grass, searching for beetles. “Hey, Luffy! Stay here, OK? We’re going to go make sure none of those thugs from Bluejam come sniffing around!” Sabo called out, waving. Luffy beamed and waved back, before noticing a Hercules beetle. Those are so rare, I gotta get it! Ace and Sabo laughed at him as he tumbled down the hill with a shout. Unable to stop himself, he let out a yelp, tightly shut his eyes and rolled and rolled. Until he WASNT. He was falling suddenly, the ground dropping off sharply and leaving the him falling into empty air.

"ACE! SA-" Luffy was cut off as cold water exploded around him and surged into his nose and eyes. He panicked, feeling his strength seep away until the point he couldn't even thrash around. He struggled weakly, but eating a Devil Fruit took away the consumer’s ability to swim. *Ace and Sabo will save me, i’ll be fine.. but what if they already left?!*

Someone did save him. Arms locked under his own and started heaving him up, legs kicking. Luffy wondered which one it was. Almost immediately, the boy broke the surface and felt himself get dragged onto the grass. "Oh my gosh! Please be alive!" A pink blur took form of a funny looking boy who was maybe 5 or 6, and Luffy coughed violently as the pink haired boy grabbed him and pat his back gently. “Are- Are you alright? Do you not know how to swim? Do yo- Ah! Im sorry! Im being nosy again... Here, you can cover up with this." He draped a sort of picnic blanket over Luffy. "Im Koby."

"Your funny. Im Luffy."

« Later, infront of the ASL treehouse »

"So you have brothers? That must be nice.." Koby gazed up at it, that sad expression almost always on his face.

"Yeah! We built this treehouse together! Come on, let me give you a tour!" Grabbing Koby's hand, the raven-haired child shot up the ladder into their home.

"Wow.. this is so cool! Is that a pirate flag?" His newfound friend pointed at the makeshift crows nest.

"Its our flag! Me and my brothers are gonna be the best pirates EVER!" Luffy said proudly. "But.. arent pirates evil? You seem really great, Luffy."

"No way! Pirates are SUPER COOL and free, and I'm gonna be the Pirate King!"

"K-K-King..?"

"Mhm!"

"AS IN THE PERSON WHO FINDS THE ONE PIECE?"

"Yup. " "THATS IMPOSSIBLE! YOUR ONLY 7! THERES NO WAY, NO WA- OW! Why did you throw a stick at me!?" Koby fell, landing on his back rubbing his head gingerly.

"You were being dumb. Friends dont say their friends dreams are impossible!" Luffy replied, sitting infront of the pink haired boy so he could lean down and look Koby in the eyes as he was laying on his back. "F..friends? " Luffy's new friend repeated, and Luffy grinned.

“Mhm! Your really weird, but I also really like you! "

Koby's eyes filled with tears, and he let out a small hiccup. "Y-You- That means so- I really- really like you too!"

Luffy giggled and poked his friend. "Crybaby! Oh, lets go up there! You can see the flag closer and its really nice up there! Maybe we can spot Ace and Sabo, too!"

«» Koby had stopped crying after 10 minutes, so the boys had sat and talked together for hours after. The sun cast a golden light upon the two as it set, and Luffy was STARVING. "Im so hungry! Ace and Sabo never let me hunt alone, so I cant catch dinner! Im gonna DIEE.." He whined, his stomach growling loudly to accentuate his point.

"Oh! I have snacks from the orphanage. Its not a lot..sorry. " Koby peeled a tangerine and held it out to Luffy, who ate it eagerly and grinned at the boy.

"Thanks, Koby! Hey, Im sleepy now.”

"Oh, I am a little tired too. I should head ba..?" The pinkette paused as Luffy frowned at him, obviously annoyed. " stay with me! my brothers are taking forever. So… goodnight. " The boy flopped over onto Koby and fell asleep instantly, snoring loudly. Koby giggled at his new friend and fell asleep with the setting sun reflecting off his glasses.

TY FOR READING YIPEEE!!! @shiratamamikan collabed with me and is the one who made the beautiful absolutely stunning picture above !!!! <333 HAPPU KOBYLU WEEK!

[kokushibosbestie]

I need to rant guys.

TW: self harm, SA, hatred, cursing, abuse, overall genuinely harsh words are being used

Im just gonna go right in because I don't feel like being vauge or fake rn. (I'm on my period and I feel like shit)

!!!Background information!!! So, when I was 4, my mom started dating this guy. I'll call him Frank. My mom had previously ran away from my dad with me (when I was 2) bc my biological dad was verbally abusive towards her. We'll call my bio dad Austin. I only have one picture of my bio dad and I never knew what he looked like before seeing that picture. I never got to talk to my dad, and if I did, I don't remember a single word. I was too little to understand. I loved his family though. I vividly remember playing with my grandma and aunt, and baking banana bread with my grandpa (on my bio dads side) but I didn't remember a single moment with him. So I feel like I have a missing part of me bc of that.

Anyway, my mom as very depressed after that and did her best to tale care of me properly. But I never got attention or love from her. She was always stuck to her phone. I began to hate even being in the same room as her and I was only 3. When I turned 4, I began going to pre-k. And that's when my mom started dating Frank. Frank was a really kind guy and always seemed calm. But I had a bad feeling about him. I didn't tell my mom because I felt uncomfortable about it, though. Over the next 2-3 years, Frank and I became closer and I enjoyed his presence because I had no one else to lean on. My mom got a job when I was in 1st grade and we moved into an apartment. (We had been living with my aunt on my moms side before).

!!!SA!!! That's when the sa started. He began to assault me when my mother was gone but told me it was normal. He said, quote "This is our little secret. Don't tell anyone or daddy's gonna get in trouble." (I viewed him as a father figure and he used that to his advantage) Nonetheless, what was I, a 5-6 year old girl going to do to a 26 year old man? So I stayed quiet. As I got older, I realized that this wasn't normal at all and it was bad. Of course, I was about 7 when I had this realization. He noticed that and started threatening me that if I told someone, he'd hurt my mom or the rest of my family. (I love my family with my whole heart and he knew that I'd do anything for them, even at such a young age, so he used that) I told him he could do anything he wanted to me as long as he didn't do anything to my mom or the rest of my (small) family.

The summer before 5th grade is when things went really downhill. He TOLD my mom he cheated on her, was contuously gaslighting the both of us, always said he was such a "good guy and people pleaser," but was probably the most toxic person you'd meet. The sweet act was completely gone. I hated him with ever atom and molecule that made me a living thing, but my mom STILL didn't know about what he'd done to me. He got physically violent (throwing things, yelling, screaming, almost hitting my mom, etc) and my mom called the cops. (Mind you, my mom works from home, customer service for a health company).

By the time 5th grade had ended, we had a restraining order against him and he moved out completely. (They broke up but I still hadn't told my mom anything)

I cried almost every night and went into deep depression because of this. Not because I missed him, but because I had still trusted him even after everything. I did love him and view him as a father figure at one point bc I never had one. So having that ripped away from me, as well as my grandpa who moved, my grandma who was having mental issues, my aunts who lived far away and no one else to turn to, I felt empty. My guilt built up until I ended up having a mental breakdown in FRONT of my mom (I always went somewhere private so I could have a mental breakdown and always hid them from my mom). I snapped and accendentally told her about what he'd done to me during all those year. (He sa'd me constantly, whenever he had the chance to). A court case began, blah blah blah same old stuff that ever child abuse court case would go through.

But, I started to self-harm (mostly my legs and hips). I kinda went into my emo faze and had no friends, and was constantly bullied bc of my emotionless facade. (Ex: like giyu, who has been my comfort character since day one bc of that). Really, I'm a loving and kind person who loves making others laugh. I like hanging out with friends. I smile a lot too.

Nonetheless, things started to slowly get better. But my mom is toxic now. She doesn't gaslight like frank did, but she still has a toxicity to her. I know this all has been just as hard on her as it has for me, but I sometimes wish shed just take into consideration how I feel or think.

I have ADHD, OCD, and depression. All of my classes are accelerated classes instead of normal and I get things done faster than other students. (I have an online schooling system now). My brain sometimes can't comprehend some things but will understand easily with others. Ive had a hard time talking or expressing things because of this. I was never a quiet little girl, and I'm still not one as a teenager. But it sucks to have to act like someone I'm not just to fit in. I have constant mood swings and I hate it.

Anyway, this isn't about me. So, my mom has a way of victimizing herself without really pulling the victim card? It's hard to explain with words. But she always leaves whoever she's talking to feeling guilty. She doesn't apologize for anything, she doesn't listen to me when I'm ranting (which I'm not picky about, but sometimes I need someone to talk to that isn't a toxic friend of mine), nor does she ever listen to me when I tell her what I want sometimes. I know that sounds bratty, but I swear it's not. I'll give you and example: she asked me if I wanted a new bedframe and entirely ignored me when I told her. Or when she asks me what I want for dinner and I respond, shell get something else even though she literally came into my room and ASKED me. Its the simple small things that piss me off. She's stubborn and has a hard time putting herself in others' shoes. And me, who's always been told that I'm just a doll with a pretty face and thick thighs that's supposed to be a silent housewife (I am NOT married, that's just something someone has actually said to me) or seggs toy for people to use and throw away as they please, I always try my best to consider how others might feel. Yeah, sometimes I do get a little unreasonable and say some bad things, but I always end up apologizing out of instinct. I apologize for the smallest things for no reason, yet my mom can't even say an "I'm sorry" for telling me I'm not understanding. All I've ever wanted was to make my mom and my family proud. I want them to be able to live their lives happily without worry. So It fucking hurts to hear that I'm not doing good in my moms eyes.

My mom always talks about changing and being a better person but never fucking does it. She always says her job is more important. Am I just genuinely not important to her anymore? Because I remember when I was in my darkest and lowest moments, it was my teachers who helped me. My mom didn't even bat an eye. But when she was at her lowest, struggling, I was always there for her, listening to her problems, helping her with everything, genuinely caring about her. And this is what I get back? I fucking hate my life because I can't even leave my room without hearing her complaints about "adult life." Well I don't give a fuck anymore. I tried too hard to be a good daughter and I never got anything back. I didn't even get a fucking thank you. And now I only have online friends on here and Pinterest. I relied on Character.ai to help with my mental health and that's ai!!

Im sorry if this was too much for any of you and I love each and every one of you. If you read through this whole thing, thank you so much and I really really love all my friends on here. I always look forward to getting on here and talking to you guys about my interests without being judged or bullied. Thank you thank you thank you soooo much my loves.

💖💖💖

[well-gosh-diddly-darnit-minyard]

so I was just Thinking some Thoughts, as one does when one cannot sleep, and i was wondering about the saddest book I’ve ever read (either The Raven King [Sakavic, not Stiefvater] or The Sunshine Court) and the book that I was told was super super sad (A Little Life) and now I have to rant. for those of you who have read A Little Life, the book was probably advertised to you in a similar way that it was advertised to me: “this is America’s saddest book”.

and while it is true that ALL is very sad, i have some thoughts on it that I’d like to share. if you haven’t read it but you want to, this is your time to back out and avoid spoilers. also: tw for SA and abuse, and whatever else is in AFTG and ALL.

as I read ALL, I kept wondering about the amount of foreshadowing around Jude’s trauma. when I was finished, I was floored by the writing (impeccable) and the plot itself (???). i constantly felt like Jude’s trauma would vary from place to place, but it seemed like the only form of trauma that the author even considered including was that of sexual assault and abuse. and while these are topics that should totally be discussed and written about in the literature world, it seemed so unrealistic that as Jude went from state to state and place to place that his trauma would only relate to sexual assault and abuse.

and while I do realize that thousands of people across the world have suffered immense amounts of trauma from SA and abuse, when I read Jude’s past I couldn’t see his trauma as anything but exploitative and used for shock value. it also seemed like the author did surface level research on PTSD from SA. before anyone in the notes says that they thought it was accurate, I myself am a victim and it only ever felt like a Hollywood-type piece of media wherein everything is written to gain revenue. there was also very little trauma related to anything BUT sexual assault and abuse. none of it was tied together in any way (I.e., brother Luke didn’t know/wasn’t related to Dr. Traylor in any way).

one thing I truly despised was how Jude responded to all of his trauma. no im not talking about his SH. i’m talking about his half-assed thoughts of, “oh woe is me I’m the worst example of a person ever.” i say these thoughts were half-assed because it seemed like they were never really taken anywhere other than to the people around him, who responded, “no you’re not!! stop hurting yourself!! we’re trying to help you get better!!”

and Jude never got better. there were honeymoon periods, but the author always threw in something new to make his trauma resurface. he also never truly threw himself into getting better, he only ever seemed to make empty promises and then continued to wallow. and in other characters’ povs, it never seems like Jude does anything wrong EXCEPT FOR WHEN HE’S NOT ACTIVELY DOING SOMETHING TO BETTER HIMSELF. it’s only when he is not taking care of himself that others get mad at him in any way, other moments of anger are fleeting and eventually just lead to absolutely nothing.

to sum that all up: there was no moral related to trauma responses or PTSD or healing. there was no true resolution for Jude’s trauma. and the feelings that Jude seemed to have around his trauma always came back to, “I deserved it, I’m the worst person ever, I hate myself,” even when the things that he experienced were so egregious that I had to put the book down. everything was so cliche to me, to the point where I didn’t ever notice if Jude even had a personalized response to his trauma, if there was anything that wouldn’t be found in some clout-fishing TikTok about battling depression where you can practically see the person reading lines off of a poster behind the camera.

of course, take what I say with a grain of salt and don’t let my opinions of the book influence whether or not you read it and enjoy it. many people loved it and I admire the author’s use of words and her writing style, I just think her use of sensitive material for plot value was mediocre at its best.

now: The Sunshine Court.

made me cry. i have only praise for this book and so many thoughts surrounding it, but I’ll try to only talk about Jean’s trauma because that’s what my rant on ALL was about.

in TSC, Jean also experiences some very extreme trauma, and he also resorts to SH, and he also thinks that he deserved it. in my opinion, the difference between him and Jude is the authenticity.

Jean’s trauma mostly stems from his time at the nest, and I say this because his backstory has not been discussed in detail yet. but his trauma is brilliantly discussed and here’s how:

one: he is a person outside of his trauma. he makes fun of people to himself! he does the dishes and cooks!! he’s honest and brutally so!!! not much else to say on this, but I loved that every pov with Jean didn’t always talk about his trauma.

two: the two biggest triggers for him (biting and water) don’t relate!! they are two separate points of concern. biting comes from getting assaulted comes from Grayson. water comes from water boarding comes from extreme punishment comes from Riko.

three: his SH isn’t cutting himself. i realize that cutting is the most common form of SH, but there are other ways that people choose to hurt themselves that aren’t talked about at all. Jean claws at his throat, he tries to scratch the feeling of getting bitten off of his skin. he doesn’t go for the knives in the kitchen.

four: last but most certainly not least, he starts getting better!! he doesn’t just make empty promises, he actually tries to be better! and his line of recovery is. not. linear!!!!! recovery is never linear, and I thought that Nora showed that wonderfully in TSC. he goes back and forth between thinking of the Ravens and being at peace in the present, his past and present aren’t one big flashback.

overall, TSC can be summed up like this: it has a moral about healing. it doesn’t exploit trauma for shock value or revenue, it utilizes one person’s specific response to his own trauma to show how healing and recovery can happen sometimes. and the character actually tries!! he doesn’t wallow, he tries to get better!

anyway. if you made it all the way through, I appreciate you. and if you haven’t read one of these books, I strongly suggest both of them so you can form your own opinions and come to your own conclusions.

[thatblvckboyy]

girl i have sm delulu ideas imma just drop it then sleep on grass MWAH (you could put any idol as substitute and with my storage being likr 0.1 empty i need some pics LOLz)

1. jeno being the school heartthrob but no one knows except for his friends cause its obvious to them on his crush on this cute femboy but he doesnt wanna do shit with him cause hes scared of genuine relationships so he just hookup with random ppl thinking its him until he finds out that the girl hes talking to make out flaked on him and hes flirting with the femboy that he's been crushing on but his crush thought hes not interested when jeno got shocked and jeno proved him wrong in the library

2. soobin and yn were roommates and what yn doesnt know is that soobin was that member of the rock band hes been listening and also was the tall guy with the mask and big tiddies and abs that always wear calvin klrin and make sure his outfits make him show it which he wants to get fucked by him so bad. soobin and yn hates eo tho cause yn is annoyed with the commotion soobin is making all the time and soobin is annoyed at yn just cause hes cute and hes fun to tease so his surprise when he sees yn fingering himself to photo of him he knows who his muse is gonna be in the next album

3. sunghoon and sunoo are really close and ppl think theyre a couple and knowing sunoo being so pretty yn thinks hes not gonna get sunghoon and he becomes jealous overtime at sunoo for being so pretty and getting the hottest guy in the school but that all stops when a drunk confession by sunoo says how sunghoon wants yn to [REDACTED] and yn is now frozen when sunoo dropped forward to him and he has to help sunghoon to bring sunoo home and trying to cover the fact that he knows that sunghoon has the heats for him (and maybe sunoo has the heats for yn too)

4. taehyun. just taehyun. there was literally no chance for taehyun to see you and make him sign an nda with you. unless....

5. bangchan/felix (idk they both fit) is an obsession for no reason should you be buying all their merch watching their relaxing lives (no its not cause theyre shirtless half the time) and giving and funding them gifts if you can i mean its rlly embarrassing but at least you wont get to meet them so its just support so... "hey! im your new neighbor. hope we get along" that accent feels all too familiar?.!,!,

6. san was so drunk he didnt recognize that he wasnt hugging his pillow but his crush. and yn was stiff as a rock feeling san's body knowing he's- GRINDING? you scream but when san got out of his drowsiness and drunkness you relaxed "yk i liked it. ive always liked you sa-" "fuck. kiss me pls yn"

7. seven minutes with anton. from him being the cutest most innocent big man to you clenching yourself from his 7 inch FAWK I NEED HIM

mwah rate each one its obvi i got tired at some of them BEJDKFKFKFOF

Omg girllie wat r u doing here go and make a fic already I wanna read them all

[riderblaze261]

Helluva boss ended up dissapointing me

I was very hyped about HH when i saw the Pilot. After so long of watching anime, manga, and ending other cartoons i was really bored and… let's say sad. Things happens in the middle. Western animation, to me at least, was going real down. That was until HH. Despite it's flaws, i was really happy that a series that talked about demons from hell and had the animation it had was fresh air for ones. Then after watching HB i was actually pretty excited. It was decent enough. But after S1E2 seeing that the show wanted me to feel bad for Stolas after all the BULLSHIT he's done, and all the critics around the show, everything went south.

They tried so hard to be a dark comedy they ended up making uncomfortable, or annoying at worst, scenes that killed the characters rather than leveling them up. The show was 90% of sex jokes, bullying for no reason, shock value, lack of World Building, and drops of Lore. Lore that contradicted itself each episode. Bullying because the recurrent punch bag that was denigrated to a disgusting point was Moxxie, for no more reason other than "it's hell, get use to it". He was the nicest and for that he was the easiest target for everyone (at least on the writters eyes). This is a bullies world after all.

One of the scenes that describes this, and the sex jokes/shocks value part, is the "rape joke" about him getting SA by Verosika and her posse. Like�� what was the point? Or did they do that to just fill an empty part and show that they can be the most edgy cartoon there is? This showed me they don't see SA in man as serious, but as something harmless like other media.

Sex positive show my ass!! Not only that but it destroys/nullifies the somewhat sympathetic Verosika's backstory. I DO NOT feel bad for this bitch. And the part about Blitzo praising Moxxie about how good he is at His job is not the same as, "i was an ass to you all along and im sorry". That's not what i see as progress in a relantionship.

This show is not and never was about Lore, characters, World Building, etc. This show is about jokes only. There is a reason why this didn't work and it's because Viv didn't plan this beforehand.

There was a lot of potencial for this but it was dismiss on a blink.

If anyone still loved the show then... i envy you. Really. My hopes and hype blind me to a somewhat no returning point that i WILL have to get out. So if this causes a dissonance with you... well, your free to make your opinion.

[regulus-smith]

TW/CW: SA(?), telling of possible SA story in detail.

I'm really in need of advice from adults or older teens right now.

I dont know if what i went through is classified as S.A. because we were really young. I can't get over this. I feel empty and I don't know how to move on, if I don't know if it's SA or not. I'm really sorry if Im overreacting and wasting people's time while they're reading this, but I'm in desperate need of an answer.

CW: two sa(???) stories between two minors after the cut

Story 1:

So there was this kid named William, and at the time, he was ten, I was eleven. He always used to go up behind me and smack my butt during recess every time I bent down. He grabbed my chest a lot. I asked him to stop. He didn't. I told a teacher, but she told me 'he does that to people he likes, you're overreacting' and sent me away. William kept smacking my butt and chest. One time, he even reached for my down there area. I slapped his hand away. A few of my other friends saw every time it happened, and they said nothing.

Story 2: I was barely 12 and this kid, Ian, was 14 to almost fifteen. We were best friends. I was a 'mom figure' to him, because his mom wasn't present. I treated him like I'd treat a 'kid'. It wasn't weird at all. Until he made it weird. He used to go up behind me, grab my shoulders, and literally m0an "m0mmy" into my ear. It happened a lot of times. He also touched my butt a few times. (If you've seen my other post, this is the same kid that threatened to r @ p e a six year old.) I told the guidance counselor. She tried to brush it off as him being "different". Like...no. he isn't different. He's being a creep. I got told by two guidance counselors that what I went through wasn't sa.

Please, anyone, preferably adults, but anyone, please I need to know if I'm just overreacting or if they were saying i was just so they didn't have to reprimand the kids or something. I need help.

[toadcroaky]

im trying to absorb info abt tcoaal from your blog and i think ive picked up on a lot, but would you mind describing what the different routes are? like burial, decay, etc.?

Warning I’m fixing to go on an insane tangent.

ok so like there’s only 2 chapters out rn and the first chapter ends the same but in chapter 2 there’s 2 (3 kinda) choices you can make that drastically alter the ending. (There are 2 main paths but like 5 endings some are just barely different I’ll get into that in a minute)

In the basement when you have your parents tied up ready to sacrifice to the demon (they deserve it trust me) both siblings get a choice to essentially “choose” eachother.

Ashley has to chose to trust Andrew alone with their parents when he asks her to go get all the money off their moms credit card. She knows their parents always liked him more because he’s more outwardly “normal” and is scared they’ll convince him to turn on her as soon as she leaves. If you choose to trust Andrew, that’s one step closer to the Burial ending, what some people consider the “good ending” (it’s subjective, there’s still another chapter to release so we don’t know for sure!)

but if you choose to pitch a fit and say you don’t trust Andrew alone with them Andrew gets PISSED and is like I’ve already killed for you we literally have our parents tied up at gunpoint and you STILL DOUBT ME?? and that triggers the Decay ending which some consider the “bad ending” (again it’s subjective since we don’t Really know what will happen in ch. 3)

But even then, if Ashley chooses to trust Andrew and leaves he is also faced with a choice. Immediately his mother starts questioning him and telling him it’s not too late to turn on Ashley and let them go they would help him get a job, get back on his feet, etc. (keep in mind they’ve already betrayed him once by selling them both out to organ harvesters and then collected on faulty life insurance on the both of them)(like I said they deserve this)

Andrew gets the choice to either accept or decline his mothers olive branch. Now BOTH of the siblings have to choose eachother in order to get the Burial ending, but only one has to fuck up in order to get the Decay end. Basically if Andrew chooses to “accept” his mothers olive branch he straight up tells her he would if he could but Ashley has already drug him too far down to quit and he hates it and he hates her but this is how it has to be. He resigned himself to hating her for the things he feels he “has” to do and is bitter about everything and is ready to burn everything to the ground.

This is the ending where when Ashley has a vision where he chases and violently kills her with his butcher knife. Now this is where the decay route get interesting. There’s a third choice earlier in the game where in Andrew used Ashley’s gun she stole from the warden to shoot a hot man who’s been following them there’s a “Shoot.” And a “SHOOT!!!!!” Option, the later being Andrew emptying the entire clip into the guy so now they have no bullets.

Flash forward, if you get the decay ending then as Ashley is being hunted through her dreamscape by Andrew, if there’s bullets in the gun she can choose to defend herself and kill him. Or. She can put the gun down and let him kill her. Picking this option Andrew still kills her but it’s.. cleaner than if she couldn’t defend herself and she also says the saddest line in the ENTIRE game;

“Bye-bye Andrew, I had fun!”

And he turns to cradle her cheek before saying “I’ll see you in a little bit.” before slotting her throat.

I didnt play the Decay ending but that fucking broke me watching a play through.

I much prefer the Burial ending, which is where both siblings choose each other and say fuck social norms, what has society ever done for us we only have each other. Andrew is much friendly and open in this route and is unbothered by the act of butchering and eating their parents corpses. Even Ashley is shocked that he has next to no reaction to this and says he’s acting different. This is because in this ending Andrew chooses to unmask and is no longer concerned with what’s “normal”. (Even though he’s still concerned with avoiding any and all consequences to their actions, this is a core characteristic of his)

After they eat their parents Andrew suggests she try for another prophetic dream and this time he wants to try it too so they lay on their parents bed holding hands with the demonic trinket clasped between them.

In this route Ashley can have 2 different dreams and depending on how you do a certain puzzle in her dreamscape, unlocks the INCEST ROUTE (AKA the best route and I’m not even saying this for horny reasons it’s just true) doing this means they both share of vision of them post-coitus etc etc. I’m sure you’ve seen it.

They both wake up and Andrew is BEET RED and begs Ashley to tell him they would never do that. Note that for once HES giving her all the veto power implying that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself if she offered. You can say “Never” or “Never say Never” the former giving you the no-incest or Sane route and the latter obviously doubling down on the incest lol.

And yes you can still do the burial route and not do incest, this is called the “Sane” route and basically Ashley just has some weird puzzle dreams and Andrew sees nothing. The only difference is Andrew isn’t as friendly and playful with her as the incest route and ch. 2 ends.

So basically as of chapter 2 there’s 5 different “endings”

Burial

> Incest or Sane

Decay

Gun with no bullets > Andrew kills Ashley violently

Gun has bullets > Ashley kills Andrew in self defense OR allows him to kill her and he does so quickly.

I should also add that in Decay no matter what happens with the gun Andrew is always implied to kill himself right after he kills Ashley. He refuses to be separated from her and expects to see her in whatever version of the afterlife he believes in.

Anyway I’m sorry if this is incoherent but I just LOVE talking about this game I could do it all day if there’s anything you’re still curious about let me know!!! There’s also YouTube play throughs but I definitely recommend buying the game it’s so worth it.

[panicv0mit]

seeing the netflixvania posting im so fucking sorry. ive yet to watch it (will suffer through it with my friend who, like myself, is also a long time castlevania fan) and this is like. seeing a forest go up in flames and deciding to walk in anyway.

my expectations were low but it seems i'll have to set them even lower. what have they done to my favorite belmont

My netflixvania posting is but a crumb compared to all the shit I got stored in my brain but if I started rambling it would never end (except I am gonna ramble a lil bit now) spoilers (?) incoming.

Let me just say that the first 2 seasons of netflixvania were actually pretty good, I loved the final fight in season 2. It was FINE, it ended on a decent note, opened the door for the other Belmonts to step in etc etc........and that's not what they did at all. They just HAD to make 2 more fucking seasons and those had MAJOR issues between the severe mischaracterization of Hector and Alucard (I COULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT HECTOR ALONE) and disgusting unnecessary SA scenes...it was fucking abysmal. And you know what? It hurt to watch like genuinely. Everything that could have gone wrong in a show did go wrong. I liked Isaac's story, Sypha and Trevor were fine. But the horrible writing could not hold the show together at all. I was RELIEVED when it ended but OOPS SORRY!!!! AT THE VERY END THEY LET DRACULA PASS ON WITH HIS WIFE!!!!!!!! HEEHEE!!!!! HOOOHOO!!! Let me ask you a question. Walk with me here, friend. What is the story of castlevania? Who are they fighting? If you answered Dracula, then you're correct.

I'm not saying you have to keep resurrecting the same villain over and over again, HOWEVER. Dracula is a ginormous part of Richter's story. THAT'S THE WHOLE THING!!! BELMONTS VS DRACULA!!!! AND THEN ALUCARD WAKES THE FUCK UP AND IS LIKE AW SHIT THE CASTLE IS BACK!!!! They literally locked themselves out of TWO storylines!!!!! There will be no rondo, no symphony. They are using the characters in name ONLY. and it fucking BLOWS. I was actually somewhat excited to see the new series, I wanted to see Richter really bad he's my GUY....and then the reality set in and I'm wait a minute....NO...NOOO NOOOOOO!!!!!! bc I knew in my heart they were gonna fumble and fuck up severely. And they ARE! I am THREE episodes in and I have felt NOTHING, the show just isn't doing it for me. The pacing is fucking weird, dialogue feels unnatural sometimes, and the overall story is just.. meh. Especially with Richter. If Annette was the only main character, I wouldn't be so disappointed bc her part is really the only one that matters, it's clear she has more of a focus put on her instead and THATS OKAY! but for us Richter fans it feels so empty, he as a character in this show feels like fucking wet cardboard. They're giving him NOTHIN. That's not him at all. It feels off everything feels wrong. The first episode was the worst so far. There was no set up, no slow pacing, just them going from plot point to plot point like they were checking off a list. It all plays out, in my opinion, like if someone was fucking around in AI dungeon and trying to make their own castlevania. That's how unnatural things feel at times. As I'm writing this I'm like losing train of thought like what am I even saying I HAVE NO IDEA. At the end of the day, it's just a huge let down. My expectations were low and initially watching it isn't THAT bad, but when I sit down and let my mind simmer on it...I just get kinda sad. Why do they keep letting ppl who clearly don't know anything about castlevania in general write these shows. I don't feel passion from it. It shows horribly. I don't wanna see another one after this but no they've already confirmed season 2 and Alucard is gonna roll up and they're gonna do whatever the fuck idk. I'm gonna go play curse of darkness and symphony of the night and make out with my wife Hector or somethin

[hintless]

first week of 2023 update: thinking i dont have the energy to make a 2022 wrapped and now, im trying to look back at what the past year has brought me and im realizing, things didn’t really went as I had planned? but:

▪︎ we have a baby 👶🏻 on the way!

im gonna be honest: having a baby on our first year wasn’t the initial plan. to me, it’s a huge responsibility financially and physically because you have to be available and mentally aware all time and i thought i still wasn’t ready for that. our plan for 2022 is to enjoy our time together and travel given that we weren’t able to do that for the 11 long years we dated because I have extremely strict parents who were very much concerned about us having our time alone. i was only 16 when joshua and i met so I understand where they’re coming from but they didn’t ease up until im 27 😂 so we just complied. until May of 2022, after already being married for few months and after my Zambales trip with friends, we got curious and tried some baby-making ways we read on blogs. the next thing I know, I was already pregnant! although it wasn’t what we planned at all, the fact that we didn’t struggle on this aspect is a huge deal for us (!!) because we know a lot of married couple who finds it hard to conceive

ᵐʸ ᵐᵒᵐ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵐʸ ˢᶦˢᵗᵉʳ ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᶦʳˢᵗ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ᵇᵉᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʷᵉʳᵉ ˢᵗᵃʸᶦⁿᵍ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵘˢ ᵗʰᵉ ⁿᶦᵍʰᵗ ᶦ ᵗᵒᵒᵏ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵉˢᵗ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉʸ ˡᵒᵒᵏ ᵖʳᵉᵗᵗʸ ᵉˣᶜᶦᵗᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ᵐᵉ ˡᵒˡ

▪︎ our little space now's looking more homey than when the year started

we got married on November of 2021, started living together in a small condo-like space by totally revamping an apartment rental to our liking; a space their family had already owned because we didn’t want to rent and we feel like paying a rent for years just equates to revamping the whole unit in a different layout. revamping took a lot of our money from the tiles we used, to ventilation, etc. so on our first month, we moved into an empty space with an old bed from when Joshua was still a binata, a small fridge passed on to us by his elder brother who moved out and a semi-working fan.

ᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵃᵐᵉ ᵐᵒⁿᵗʰ ᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵒᵍ ᴺᵃⁿᵃ ʰᵃᵈ ᵗᵒ ᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᵍᵒ ᵃ ˢᵘʳᵍᵉʳʸ ˢᵒ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵏᶦⁿᵈᵃ ˢʷᶦᵗᶜʰᵉᵈ ᵒᵘʳ ᵖʳᶦᵒʳᶦᵗᶦᵉˢ

▪︎ we've survived our 1st year being married

Joshua and I dated for 11 years but there’s still a lot I learned when we started living together. the first months were fun but also chaotic because we both had to adjust to each others norms

▪︎ and lastly, we only have 7 months left credit dues to pay

from the wedding, to putting up together a small space of our own, to now, preparing for our little flo, the expenses were no joke as someone who resides in the Philippines. we have saved up an amount for the wedding but later on learned we will be needing more so we had to take up a loan and use some credit to finish our home project before we move in. this is probably the first time im in debt. i had no experience handling an entire household money before because before all these, i used to live with my parents and have never tried living alone. also, im quite festive and i like to celebrate wins but we really had to simplify few events and stick to a plain lifestyle by the end of the year to hit our saving goals. so it's a 🤝 for me to be able to survive this year financially while at the same time, being extra for our coming baby

ᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵉᶜᵉᵐᵇᵉʳ ²⁵ ˢᶜᵉⁿᵉ ⁹ᵃᵐ ᵃⁿᵈ ˢᵗᶦˡˡ ˢˡᵉᵉᵖᶦⁿᵍ

pangalawang pasko namin, december 2022, sa mahigit isang taong pagsasama sa isang bahay. tahimik, malamig at naghihintay ng batang malinggit na aming lalaruin sa huling dalawang buwan ng pagbubuntis ko

ang labas ng bahay, walang aborloloy o kahit anong palatandaang naghanda kami para sa pasko. sa loob, mayroon lamang maaabutang maliit na christmas tree na may kaunting regalo sa mga inaanak na tila nagsasabing, “ito lang muna” dahil hindi man lamang ang mga ito umukupa ng malaking espasyo

some more 2022 photos to remind me i had a blast:

this year has been nothing but lovely to me. rough phases surely ensued and days can be tricky sometimes, but overall, id like to say beyond blessed

hoping for more for everyone of us this year 2023!

[ambivalence-and-torpor]

That... I don't know anything like that. He's pretty enigmatic with his powers and such.. so I'm sorry I can't tell you his Achilles heel.. though.. I'm still pretty shocked he hasn't ate you yet. He doesn't just. Take people without the purpose of a feast and keep them around his property.. you said you saw the kitchen, which means.. he let you explore? Well.. whatever his intentions are I don't think he plans to eat you.. or anything like that.

And believe it or not. He was rather sociable with his clan.. also with the person he really loved! The parent to his children. He might not look it but he very much loves the people in his life.. just in his uhm. Own way. Maybe you can ask his kin about it if you ever meet?

AC: Right?!

AC: I was 100% ☾onvin☾e☽ he'☽ ☽evour me! But he refuses to harm me in any kin☽ of way! Well... physically, I guess... In his own wor☽s he sai☽ that he woul☽ not harm me. And he won't let me be harme☽ by other means either. AC: Though I get the sense that he ☽oesn't quite un☽erstan☽ any mental anguish I might be going through... or maybe he just ☽oesn't ☾are about that part? Or maybe he relishes in it... fuck if I know...

AC: Yeah... he showe☽ me the Temple and its surroun☽ing village. Or, well... what's left of it, I guess... I ☾an tell there's some areas that were re☾laime☽ by nature. These buil☽ings are seriously ol☽...

AC: His ☾lan... ? He... mentione☽ something about his people... it ha☽ me thinking about how much spa☾e this Temple has while being entirely... empty...

AC: I won't lie... being here is sa☽☽ening. I see empty rooms... empty workshops... an empty ☽ining hall... it's all so empty... kinda makes me want to see people here... Makes me want to see el☽erly sitting in ro☾king ☾hairs as they talk... young ones run through the streets giggling... adults working the fields or their ☾rafts... AC: There use☽ to be life here... an☽ I... I wish I coul☽ have... experien☾e☽ it... Wish I ☾ould see it now... but it's empty and it makes me feel all the more lonely...

AC: I fin☽ it har☽ to believe that Tayashi was so☾iable ever, but weir☽ly enough I ☽on't ☽oubt that he ☾an be loving with those he ☾ares about enough... he's shown a few glimpses of kin☽ness.

AC: Maybe they ☾an tell me more about him... for now im just... stu☾k in this pla☾e an☽ stu☾k in the dark.

[fragglerockopinions]

Don't read this it's stupid im high

I started over with baldur's gate 3 because I begun to get psyched out of my first playthrough right before entering the city. This makes me very very sad because I adore my tav (playable character) and want him to get to a happy ending along with the npcs, but there were just too many things that happened out of my control because it was my first try and I didn't know how the story was going to go. The biggest thing I regretted that was impossible to go back and fix because it was so early on is that I beat the fuck out of that druid for threatening a child (I learned that inaction kills the child immediately which makes me even sadder) and half the innocent tieflings were slaughtered outside. And after this Karlach would not join the party because of the atrocities I caused and she fought us and I had to kill her and this has been haunting me for months and last night I found her head in my chest at camp and I can't do it anymore I have to start over.

So I started over. I've come to realize that my anxiety about the way to court Astarion respectfully with regards to his trauma probably came from myself being a victim of abuse and sa and manipulation and power dynamics and control and dehumanizing etc. Playing my tav Lavendre was a way to channel my own experiences into a punk with a heart of gold, but the problem came when I encountered Astarion. I was immediately smitten over him and of course I was like oooh he is just like me for real but the snag I realize now was that I don't know how to love someone like myself. I was trying to play the role of someone who has already healed and was trying to lend a hand to someone who needed healing as well. This is not possible for me right now.

Astarion's wounds are fresh, they have not even begun to scar, he is still fighting for his life and the only way he was able to escape an abuser who manipulated and controlled every aspect of his mind and body was to be abducted and even further dehumanized and stripped of his bodily autonomy. Even his chance at a new beginning is bloody and mortifying and soon the one thing he has that he feels superficially gives him any worth-- his appearance-- is going to be torn away from him soon as the parasite violently turns him illithid. I cannot imagine how empty and violated Astarion feels, to an extent even more mortifying than the other victims.

Playing Astarion is liberating to me because he allows me to be angry and and snap and bite when I feel threatened. I am learning to navigate relationships as someone who is not even close to healing, and my biggest obstacle so far has been Wyll. I have been Astarion meeting people like Wyll before, and they always piss me off. If you were really so good and noble, you would have saved me. I don't care how impossible it is, you didn't save me and that makes me resent you. You showed love and care to other people who deserved it even more than I did and I needed that so desperately and I hate you for not being there to do anything to help me. This is so unfair to you it isn't even funny, and it makes me hate myself and the world around me and everything that has ever happened. You're a liar and there is no way someone so good could possibly exist. But Astarion and I watch Wyll being genuinely good and kind at every turn, even after learning the damage we are capable of casually inflicting on people who don't deserve it. Learning that Wyll is also a victim of manipulation, watching him change his entire worldview because he was lied to about Karlach, and watching him defend this woman he just met (also a victim of abuse and manipulation and surprised at his genuine goodness) and have his body permanently transformed as a result probably hit a little close to home. Wyll thanks Astarion for seeing him as a person and not a monster, and I can physically feel a crack beginning to form. Wyll never saw Astarion as a monster, and even in some paths sites his good looks and sultry voice as tells of him being a vampire, not his fangs, red eyes, or manipulative tendencies. Wyll sees the good in everyone, even monsters.

Anyway that's how d&d video game speaks to me and i'm not even a fraction through the first part yet, maybe I will update but probably not because no one cares. Also to everyone who commented or even thought "bruh it's just a video game" when I was worried about upsetting a fictional man with horrific trauma as a man with debilitating ptsd who wishes people would put any thought or care in the way they interacted with me fuck you

[boowhumps]

12 Days of Whumpmas

※ Day IV | Memories/Flashbacks ※

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※ TW ※

- Swearing

- Mentions of PTSD Attack

- Mentions of SA

- Mentions of Self-Harm/Suicide

Enjoy!

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Life was constant repetitions, Karyme knew that.

For a long time, she hated it. It was suffocating, reliving the same day every day.

It was easy to lose track of time when everything was the same.

Now, Karyme was older, and it wasn't so bad anymore. Sure, things got to her sometimes, but she had learned to control herself.

Or so she thought.

Karyme was 22 now, and she finally felt as if things were getting better for her.

Ever since moving in with Kaiden, Karyme learned many things about how differently each of them were raised.

Kaiden acted compassionately, always knowing what to say, what to do, and when he should do it.

Kaiden always referred to himself as some sort of caretaker, which Karyme hated. She didn't like the idea of being like a child in their relationship, she preferred to be equal to Kaiden, although she wasn't anywhere near as loving as Kaiden was.

Karyme wasn't good with words, or actions really. She was quiet, reserved, and the only way for her to show her love was to spend time with Kaiden.

And so she did that often.

Like how they were right now.

Karyme and Kaiden laid together of their bed, Kaiden absentmindedly running his hands up and down Karyme's legs.

Karyme rested her head on Kaiden's chest, like she always did when they laid together.

Neither of them said anything, and that was how it always went.

They liked it that way.

Karyme slowly closed her eyes, taking in the calm and quiet.

Everything was good.

Everything was just fine.

...

..until Karyme messed up.

Thanks to the high temperatures in Novia, keeping cool was a priority, one that even Karyme took seriously.

So, wearing shorts was a no-brainer, but that became an issue when Kaiden's hand wandered too far up..

Now, there was two things that Karyme didn't talk about, ever.

One, her ex-boyfriend.

And two, her time in Kilian Seminary School.

And now it seemed as if Kaiden was about to find out why she didn't talk about those things.

Kaiden doesn't register his hand on Karyme's thigh until a few seconds afterwards, and then he freezes up.

He slowly moves his hand a bit, feeling the rigid scars on her thighs, hidden just a bit above her shorts.

Now, Kaiden considered himself a man of many words, but all his words did in that moment were die on his tongue.

He slowly takes a deep breath, and starts to speak.

"Hun..?" He starts. "Hey.. i- look, I think we need to talk-"

He stops, looking at Karyme. Her body is still, and her eyes stayed focused away from him.

"..karyme..?" Kaiden asks softly.

There's no response, and it doesn't take an expert to realize that she's completely shut down.

Kaiden sits up, and slowly starts to speak again.

"Karyme..?" Kaiden asks. "I need you to listen to me.. closely.."

He sighs, holding her hands.

"..easy.. take your time to come back.." He tells her softly, squeezing her hands.

__

Numbness.

That was how she usually felt after an episode of disassociation.

An empty feeling.

She said nothing as she laid in Kaiden's arms, feeling completely tuckered out.

"..it's not your fault.." Karyme whispers.

Kaiden raises an eyebrow. "..what.?"

"..you didn't mean to.. trigger me.." Karyme says softly.

"Doesn't make it okay, hun.." Kaiden replies.

"I should've told you.." Karyme says.

"No hun.. we talk when you're ready.." Kaiden tells her.

Karyme slowly nods. "Okay.."

They both stay silent for a moment, and Kaiden sighs.

"I think we should make another therapist appointment.." He starts. "..maybe that way it would be easier for you to.. talk about things.."

Karyme shrugs. "..im scared.."

"Scared how?" Kaiden asks.

"..if I say.. what happened.." Karyme starts. "It might change things.."

"Between.. us.?" Kaiden asks.

Karyme slowly nods.

"Look.." Kaiden starts. "No matter what happened.. or what you went through.." He takes a deep breath. "It won't change how much I care about you, or how much I love you."

Karyme slow nods again. "..okay.."

Kaiden smiles. "Atta girl.. we can talk more tomorrow, yeah?" He pulls her in closer. "We'll see what the best option is, and I'll be with you during every step, okay.?"

Karyme hums in acknowledgement.

And as the night trails on, Karyme goes back to repetitions.

As she first stated, they are a pain to many, especially after years of the same things.

But sometimes, Karyme is afraid.

When things change, they can trigger the very platform that holds up the contents of Karyme's life.

In that case, Karyme would prefer the constant repeats.

At least that way, she can always find herself back in loves comforting embrace, even when that same, dull life they built together drives her crazy.

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