#im realizing how much having clean lines stresses me out actually LOL it just makes art so hard for me

[dandyshucks]

whyyyy are eyes so hard to paint 😭😭

[xx-neon]

june 12th

hi 

i wanted to start writing because i feel like itll help me in some way, ive never really said anything i think or feel. i never really say anything at all. 

if for some reason someone who isnt me reads this im sorry. itll be a lot of word vomit and just generally unpleasant so maybe dont read all of it lol. im going to try and not use lol beacuse i do that to lighten the mood.

anyway.

yesterday before i went to work i had this really strange feeling. it was this weird sense of nothingness and everything? i feel like thats how people feel before they die. like a weird calmness. i felt comfortable and okay with everything. so i felt nothing really when i googled if hanging yourself hurts, i have a rope and everything but i just wanted to make sure i wouldnt feel any more pain. in my head i thought it would be kinda like a slap to the face if i wanted to kill myself because of the pain and then the last thing i feel is pain ha. 

anyway. i got really annoyed when all the results were for the suicide helpline. numbers to call, resources, texting lines everything. i just wanted to know. but then i gave up. as usual. 

all day yesterday i was just planning on when id do it. i wanted to pick a good day. i remembered that i have to clean my apartment first, make sure my cat is fed, but then my friends birthday is coming up and i wanted to wish them a happy birthday, and i had plans to hang out with my friend, and then after that i had plans to hang out with another of my friends. i realized maybe im too busy to die and i really didn't want to disappoint anyone. so i just gave up on that thought. (i did see my friends i was supposed to see yesterday, and this guy bought my food and drinks which has never happened before which was really nice) 

idk how i got here honestly. ive tried suicide before but obviously im writing so that didnt work. but before was different. i just went for it. i didnt think about it. i didnt plan anything i just went 1,2,3 go. i mean, i know how i got here. myself. if i wasnt such a fucking people pleaser maybe I'd have enough balls to be in a better place. 

my ex and i officially broke up last week, and thats kinda where it all started. i know it sounds stereotypical but i dont want to die because of the breakup but because of the feelings that came after it. i really wanted to break up. it was my idea in the beginning. but it took him forever to just say “yeah i dont have any feelings so this is it”. it was like my ego took a flip. ive actually have never had someone say that to me. that sounds really uppity i know. but its true. in my head i thought “after all i did for you thats how you end it?”. and i really ruined my life for this guy. i quit my old job i did hate it tho, moved away from my friends and family, he got into an accident so i used all my money to take care of him and had to take off work, drove him everywhere bc he couldnt drive, etc. and what did i get in return? he cheated on me twice, treated me like shit, slammed a door in my face so hard it broke my glasses, tried to hit me. the relationship was so bad all im left with is alcoholism and an eating disorder. so honestly, good riddance. 

he left me in a really, really bad place. i have to figure out where to live now since he just up and left. i dont have enough money to live on my own anymore. tbh i dont even want to write about it since it stresses me out so much. so i wont. ive just been drinking and going out to distract myself. not from him but like i said, the feelings that came after it. i want revenge, i want peace, i want him to apologize, i want him to never do this to anyone, and i just want to die. i dont have people to talk to about this stuff, i do but, i dont want to seem like an angry ex. i just want people to see the hurt that ive been through. i just want someone to tell me its going to be okay. that what i feel is normal. that people go through this all the time. i just want comfort. 

im sure if i actually told anyone about this theyd be like “but you have me!! you have your family!! you have people who care about you!!”. and yeah i do. but when youre so far down a hole, you dont see the light at the top, just darkness. and probably dirt lol. 

i cried for the first time today. since all of this happened i havent cried at all. my chest has been hurting so much since ive been holding it in. but the reason i started crying was kinda dumb. one of my old friends found me and reached out. he wanted to see how i was doing and what ive been up to. what was i supposed to say? “hey ive been horrible! just planning my suicide and and stuff ya know” but of course i couldnt say that so i just said ive been good. we caught up for a bit and thats when he said hes getting over a breakup that messed him up. so i took the bait and said yeah me too. he just said if you ever want to talk you can always call or text. so i just said thank you it means a lot and that things can only get better i guess. and idk why but thats when i started crying. he said 

“theres so much good to come” 

its so dumb but i felt like those words were just a giant warm blanket. especially with the head space that im in. obviously i could hear that from anyone. but hearing it from someone i haven't talked to in like 4 years meant so much more.

there are so many people who care about me. ive just been stuck dealing with my ex and only caring about what he had to think or feel. he never really cared about me like these people do. theyre concerned about me. they tell me to eat, they tell me theyre worried about my drinking, they dont want me to be out alone, they want to make sure im okay. 

so fuck my ex. fuck him and anyone who thinks hes a good person. hes such a manipulative piece of shit. no one really knows what ive been through. no one knows how hes left me. no one knows about the cheating. no one knows about the abuse. they know nothing. im sure hes talked about me. im sure hes told them how i have a hard time showing feelings. im sure hes told them.. i dont even know. hes probably pulled something out of his ass. and they probably feel so bad for him. i hope they do. and i hope one day they feel just as stupid as i do. 

i just had to get my anger out. 

but my friend is right i think. maybe there is good to come. ive decided to stick around to find out. 

[overly-ironed-waffle]

also like??? idk sorry, i know i just posted two essays but im irritated

okay so quick brief backstory: a few years ago when we were living with my family while i recovered from birthing my second gremlin, my husband and my sister worked at one of the stores. they made friends with someone who was super cool and we all loved and got along with.

this person was super young, freshly an adult, and in a super abusive family situation. so my family immediately went *swoop* and brought them in to live with us. my husband and I were making plans to move again soon, as I was finally feeling better and we wanted our own place and wanted to live among the trees again. so we suggested friend come with us. friend had just recently entered a new relationship, with someone who also was in a super shitty abusive family situation. problem is, their new beau was juuuuuuust shy of being an adult. still a minor. so we did a bunch of research on california run-away laws, and basically came up with a plan to help him run away and escape and move with us in a totally sketchy but fully legal fashion.

and it worked! they both moved with us, and i quickly helped him enroll in school (which btw, he had never ever been??? their family literally never sent him to school. they “homeschooled” him but he was essentially illiterate, but taught himself how to read using M:TG. he was HIGHLY intelligent, just didn’t have school smarts yet.)

things were going pretty well, we had already lived with our friend for almost a year prior to this and the research on how to help their beau escape their situation took long enough (as did finding a house) that we were pretty used to having him over as well, so it wasn’t a difficult adjustment really to living with them fully.

the problems started after we found out that friend was pregnant. i mean, aside from ages and all that, things were fine. it was obviously of course tense and stressful, but we did what we could to help. things were fine outside of that, until they started keeping to themselves more, hiding away from us, and then conspiring to leave without even talking to us. they literally gave us 3 days notice before they were going to move back down to their families, and ONLY because my husband called them out on it cause he heard them packing boxes.

we expressed our concerns, and discussed the things we had gone through to help them (so of course I felt kind of hurt because I put so much on the line, literally put my family in danger to help) but wasn’t even so much hurt that they were leaving, as it was that they felt it necessary to hide it from us and not openly communicate with us. that was something we always expressed was important to us, just talk to us and be open. and then also the fact that, our friend had signed a lease with us but then wasn’t even planning to give notice and only gave 3 days notice when they had been confronted about it. (this was april of last year btw)

honestly a lot happened between all that, but it’s mostly insignificant and not my own to tell (has to do with friend’s family) and so I won’t actually get into it. so it’s not even that I don’t know or understand why they were going back. I do, and I fully respected that. I just felt hurt that they didn’t talk to me about it, and had no intentions to.

so anyways, that weekend was tense and nobody really spoke much to each other, until i found out that friend had told their mom that we were apparently abusive and live in a pig stye, which wasnt true. but our house had been a little messy because i had been sick and we have kids. but friend’s parents were gonna be here by the evening to help them pack up and move back down, so i took the day off work and rushed to clean the house. when they were leaving, friend and i stepped aside for a minute to discuss things again cause they were handing over a piece of paper to help take them off the lease, and i explained “this is one of the reasons why I wish you had talked to us before hand so we were prepared with barely more than 3 days notice. we can’t live here with only the 4 of us once you guys are gone. we need a minimum of 5 people in this house, and so you up and leaving with no notice kind of fucks us over on that front.” (we live in low-income, and so for a 4bd our property management requires a minimum of 5 people to be living here.) and that was when they kind of looked horrified because they didn’t realize that, and said “well then i guess you can keep me on the lease for now, i wouldn’t want your kids to end up on the street. doesn’t matter how much i might ever hate you guys-- which i dont!!! (((super quick save))) but even if i did, i could never do that to children.” 

like, the “doesn’t matter how much i might ever hate you guys” with the quick save of “which i dont!!!” just didn’t (and still doesnt) sit right with me but we hugged everything out and i asked them to keep in touch and let me know when they got back down there safe and sound.

aaaaaaand then they promptly chose never to talk to me again. i mean, this year they reached out a little? but it was so fake and forced, and it was wildly uncomfortable honestly. which makes me really sad. i really do miss them and their friendship and wish them well, i just wish they had communicated with me.

but what upsets me is how they still talk to all of my friends up here that i introduced them to, and act so close with them and like they’re so best buds and keep in touch with all of my friends. but they never had the time to keep in touch with me? like i don’t care who my friends are friends with. im not gonna go policing that lol but it does make me feel weird and uncomfortable and jealous i guess? when i see them interact so close with these people they barely know, and only know because when they moved here with us I introduced them to all of my best friends.

idk. it really grinds my gears man and idk why. i really dont. i have no right or reason to feel this way and i totally recognize and acknowledge that. but it definitely makes me feel more distant from my friends, esp cause they know everything that happened and went down and everything they did that wasnt chill. 

and so idk, i was just feeling it again tonight cause i saw that they posted in a mutual group of ours talking about some issues they’re going through (and i hope they feel better soon and get better and overcome it all) and all my friends jumped in to make them feel better, which is great! i am lucky to have such amazing friends who would do that. but idk, it just hurts for some reason. its dumb. if i were to interact with them, or try, it would either get dismissed or really formally/shallowly responded to and then never interacted with again.

gaahhhhhh idk. i’m being dumb. brain is dumb. rsd is dumb. the fact that im still not over this is dumb.

[jichew]

kim seunghun♡soulmate!au

a/n: this took….WAY TOO LONG to finish. I apologize if this au is not as cohesive bc I did write it over the span of a few weeks lol. Thank you all for waiting so patiently and feel free to leave any requests as I will be free to write this weekend!!! mwah♡

so,, in this alternate universe exists the soulmate tattoo

yes, i know so creative ;w;

essentially, you are born with the name of your soulmate tattooed somewhere on your body

and you have the absolute pleasure of having the name kim seunghun tattooed in cursive across the expanse of your right hip

spicy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

anyway,,, you’re kind of asjsdjkSAD

bc seunghun is such a common name??? and you’ve met so many seunghuns???

but NONE of them are your soulmate :((((

you would know,, considering u basically ripped a guys shirt off when he told u that yes, his name was kim seunghun but no, he did not have ur name on his hip

uhh but that’s a story for another day :,)

anyway,,, ur kinda bummed??

and it’s gotten to the point where you’ve almost lost all hope of finding him

。・°°・(＞_＜)・°°・。

but anyway ,, life goes on I guess

SO

you’re yedam’s older sister by about 3 years

( sorry forgot to mention that important detail )

you both go to the same high school!!!

ur a senior and he’s a FRESHIE

obviously,,, hes a BABY（≧∇≦）

so ur super protective of him

and when you find out he’s been hanging out with some ,, QUESTIONABLE individuals at school

mom mode: activated

“dammie who r these kids”

“MOM, we’re part of dance club together!! they’re super nice i promise”

＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

u just want your baby to stay safe u know??

so when he asks to invite his friends over to practice

you’re like ( ˘ω˘ )

yedam: (◞‸◟)

you: (　˙-˙　)

sad yedam is a big fat NO in this household

so you have no choice but to agree

and as his unofficial mom, you decide to greet his friends !

“hi, i’m y/n! bang y/n!” ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

and like ,,,, you lowkey feel bad thinking his friends were bad bc most of the guys are pretty chill

like this byounggon kid??

the epitome of looks like he wants to kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll ( ^ω^ )

but when you get to the last dude ,,,

he just kinda ~looks~ at you

and ur not gonna lie … he’s HOT

like he’s only wearing a hoodie ,, but he has silver hoops lined along his ears,, and his hair just messily grazes across his forehead

you internally: *･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･’(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)‘･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

uhhhh but also he’s staring u down like he wants to kill u

“i’m hun” he introduces himself coldly

(._.)

he still cute tho

so,,, it’s been a while and yedam has continued to bring his friends over to practice

and you’ve come to grow fond of the boys!!!

esp byounggon :,)))

you guys just click???

except,,,, there’s still a certain blonde haired boy who just doesn’t seem to like u???

like u were walking to ur class the other morning

and you just HAPPENED to see him

so u were like,,, hm let me be a nice person today(＾ｰ^)

so you run up to him and grab his shoulder

“hun!!! what’s up my guy!!” ( ＾∀＾)

honestly,, you went in to this thinking that the only thing hun would do is say hi back???

you: WRONG

he kind of freezes for a second

and you’re like???? u ok bud

he slowly turns around

and his eyes,,, literally pierce into yours

he gingerly takes your hand from its grip on your shoulder, letting it limply fall at your side

and then he slowly walks towards you until your back is pressed against the white brick wall of the hallway, his hands caging you in on either side of your head

slowly, he inches his face towards yours

“stop faking nice to me, we are not and will never be friends”

you internally: hnnngg why does he smell so nice???? is that bath and body works? since when did men shop at bath and body works??(΄◉◞౪◟◉｀)

you externally: HMPH how DARE U invade my personal bubble young man i won’t hesitate to FIGHT(● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭

and then he walks off

“FUCK YOU TOO HUN!!! I BET THAT’S NOT EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!! I HOPE U THINK ABOUT WHAT U DID WHEN U GO BACK HOME YOUNG MAN” ＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

you are a BIG MAD

like??? who does this kid think he is???

you dont really bother talking to him much after that :///

but also ,, you hate yourself bc you’re still so ATTRACTED to him??? and u don’t even know why??? like bad personalities are such a turn off why ,,???

hmph

ANYWAY

so it’s a saturday night ,,

u know what that means…

party @ byounggon’s place ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

bc what’s a bullet point au w out a party am i right???

basically, gon’s parents were on vacation for the weekend, so he took the chance to have the party of the year

and after the stress of exam season, you’re ready to get SMACKED

lmao i do not support underage drinking kids!

uhhh anyway

this is your first party in a ,, while

so you dress yourself up in a red mini dress and some platform heels and strut your hot ass to gon’s house ;)

by the time you walked up to the house,, it was a full fledged RAGER 😤

so like one second,,, you’re just chilling, shaking your hips to some britney spears

and the next thing you know!! you’re downing your fifth shot of the night

“GON I THIBJK IM GONNA THROW UP”

gon: Σ('◉⌓◉’)

the next thing u know you’re in the bathroom bent over the toilet

(;´д｀)

thankfully,,, you don’t puke

but you do drink atleast five bottles of water and take a power nap on gon’s shoulder

anyway ,,, by the the time you’ve slightly sobered up, you realize your head kinda hurts and the party is still going strong but u promised gon you’d stay to clean up soooo

you end up going upstairs to NAP (ᵔᴥᵔ)

but when you open the door to the guest room at the end of the hall,,,

you just HAPPEN to see hun already there on the bed scrolling through his phone

＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

this man rlly just knows how to push ur buttons huh

if you weren’t so tired maybe you would’ve taken the time to appreciate the way his leather jacket complimented his broad shoulders

like not 2 be rude but this bich looked hella good

but also ur tired :///

“what are YOU doing here”

hun finally looks up and notices you standing in the doorway

and he doesn’t say anything for a while

just kinda stares at you

and it takes you a while to realize that he’s lowkey checking you out

you wouldn’t admit it, but the way his eyes glazed over your form made a pit form in your stomach

finally he locks eyes with yours

“what do you mean what am I doing here, what are YOU doing here?”

he smirks and gets off the bed to step closer to you

“i WANTED to take a NAP but you just HAD to take the only room that doesn’t have people FUCKING” (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾

“well it’s not my fault you can’t handle your alcohol”

this BITCH

“can you PLEASE just leave”

“no”

you let out a sigh of frustration and square your hands on your hips

“why do you hate me so much”

“i never said i hated you”

“well the way you act sure makes it seem like you do” you huff

hun cocks his head a little and steps closer to you

suddenly, it seems like the idea of personal space is almost nonexistant

you look up at him

and u notice the way his hooded eyes rest on your lips

and how the air around you both has suddenly gotten heavier

and you feel your body heating up

and you realize that maybe,,, you’re not so tired anymore

“well how about i prove to you that i don’t”

hun’s voice has reached a whisper, his lips only centimeters from yours

and suddenly he’s kissing you

and you’re kissing back

perhaps it’s because you’re not completely sober that you don’t notice the way his touch burns your hip

and if you do, you ignore it

the softness of his lips against yours almost makes you feel drunk again

and the next thing you know, he’s taking off your shirt, hands finding their way to the curve of your waist

as your lips make their way down his neck, you allow yourself to do the same to him

( you wish you didn’t do that )

because as you push his shirtless body against the bed, you can’t help but notice the cursive scrawl lining his right hip

and in that moment, it feels as if you’ve never been more sober in your life

you’re frozen, eyes resting on his hip

and maybe hun, or should we now say seunghun, is not as sober as he seems, considering it takes him a while to track down the path of your eyes

and when he finally does, his heart drops in his chest

he reaches out to grasp some part, any part, of you

but you flinch away

“y/n…. this isn’t what you think it is”

his eyes are pleading you to stay and listen to him

you let out a harsh laugh

“no, no this is EXACTLY what i think it is”

“y/n please don’t -“

and suddenly you’re untangling yourself from the bed sheets, haphazardly throwing your shirt on and slamming the door behind you  

and in that moment you realize that maybe soulmates aren’t as perfect as the world makes them out to be

so the rest of the weekend is spent in your bed,,, wrapped up in ur sheets like a burrito

you don’t really cry much

you’re just ,,, confused

having the idea that your soulmate knew you were his soulmate but never told you, and better yet, acts like he hates you??

(◞‸◟)

yedam: y/n, why have u been laying in bed all day (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾

you: ;w;

and as much as dammie wants to talk to you, he has more emotional intelligence than most guys his age (or guys in general tbh)

so he pats your back, makes two bags of popcorn, puts kimi no na wa on his laptop and gets under the covers beside you

it isn’t until the end of the movie when the last of your tears have dried on your face that you look up at him with puffy eyes

“dammie, i found my soulmate”

yedam: Σ('◉⌓◉’)

“it’s not that big of a deal… i don’t think he  wants me anyway”

by the time you reach the end of the sentence, your voice falls into a whisper

perhaps you would like to believe seunghun wanted you

but some things don’t turn out the way we believe

“why would u say that” yedam looks down at you, brows furrowed in worry

“uhh, i mean -“

“WAIT … who even is your soulmate??”

you:👀🍵

“it’s … hun”

“W H A T”

and that, my friends, is how yedam realized u can’t trust people in this world :/

so it’s monday

and as you brush your teeth, you can’t help but feel uneasy knowing that you could possibly see seunghun today

thankfully you don’t

but when it’s finally nighttime and you’re making your way under your covers ,,,

unknown: y/n, open your window

unknown: i’m outside and it’s cold

unknown: this is seunghun btw…

you on the outside: what the FUCK

you on the inside: i’m literally wearing basketball shorts how am i supposed to see my soulmate like this (O_O)

and when you pull back your curtains and open your window, you are met with none other than kim seunghun barreling into your room

“how long were you out there??” (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾

“uhhh maybe an hour or so” m(._.)m

and perhaps it’s the motherly side of you that decides to pull his face down and cup his cheeks in your hands in an attempt to warm him up

and you don’t really notice how close you’ve gotten to him until you look down and realize his lips are only centimeters from yours

but when seunghun’s lips form into a little smirk at your obviously flustered state, you quickly retract your hands

“i’m sorry…”

you don’t really make a move to respond to seunghun, choosing to stare at the floor instead

“I know what i did was stupid … and i should have told you from the start… but i’ve had bad experiences in the past with soulmates and i didn’t know if -“

“that doesn’t matter, you should have just told me that you didn’t want me in the first place instead of making me feel this way”

you’re a bit pissed off now

that this dude thinks he has the right to act like that and then barge into your room??

but when you take the time to look up at him

his eyes have softened

and he moves a step closer to you

“i do want you though”

… “ w h a t “

“then why have you acted so rude to me?? when you obviously knew i was your soulmate from the start, why did you hide it??”

now seunghun is the one looking down at his hands

and he looks so defeated, before he opens his mouth

“i’m scared”

you look up at him, but he’s still looking down at his hands

“my dad rejected my mom when he found out they were soulmates. i don’t think … he wanted to deal with the commitment of having a soulmate. he thought they were stupid. so he rejected her and he went off to do whatever the hell he’s doing right now. he went off and he abandoned my mom with two year old me and we haven’t heard from him since.”

a single tear drops from his eyes

and you move a step closer and wrap your arms around him

he’s frozen for a second but he hugs you back

and you both stay there for a while, you rubbing his back in an attempt to calm him down

“i won’t ever leave you seunghun”

he pulls back

and despite his red-rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks, he cups your face with his cold finger tips and kisses you

and you kiss him back

[yourghastlycloseness]

i cant spend all day stressing worrying crying wondering about where this will go (answer: likely nowhere) but also i like how he has been handling this friendship. when it comes to things like this, neither of us are so simple to be deciphered by a cosmo girl article on attraction and flirting. i was ruining myself over him -- it's just the way i am; for the longest time, i've stayed away from the people i cld potentially fall in love with and who cld potentially love me back because i've always known that i wld get deeply attached and obsessive -- the woes of a romantic lmao -- but i can feel him distancing himself from me (he seems to have set an allowance for himself to text me only once every 2-3 days) and yet, at the same time, promising me his friendship, which is all i need right now; we can be two adults who are somewhat attracted to each other but who don't act on it, right? at least, not now. because he's attached. and if that attraction gradually fizzles out because we don't see each other anymore, then so be it, this wasn't for us. or maybe we'll be lifelong friends. there's a lot i can learn from him. i know that on my end, i'd probably still like him all the way, so the ball is pretty much in his court. but that's not to say that if we are end game, i'd continue liking him the way i do now; i don't know what kind of a person i'd be when i actually have to commit to loving someone. right now, it's all fun and games and crying myself to sleep indulgently; i'm taking snapshots and trying out lines i never thought i would get to say. assuming the attraction is mutual and we end up in a situation where we're both able to make something more out of it, i suspect that the honeymoon phase will blow over quickly, i will go back to seeing him as just another guy, then i'll crash land and set us both ablaze. i think. i wouldn't know for sure because i have nothing to work with.

another fond memory: i don't think i jotted this down earlier. the last time i saw him, he had walked into class with a haircut from what was probably a neighbourhood barber or one of those chain barber shops scattered across the island. before that, his hair had been voluminous and beautifully and neatly swept back, such that i could see the pure symmetry of his pale forehead. idk why, but upon meeting him, i immediately thought he was a player lol. when i saw that fresh haircut though, so style-less and neat, like it couldn't have cost more than 20 bucks -- a schoolboy's spartan haircut -- i realized there and then, that he wasn't someone who put in a tremendous amount of effort into his physical appearance. he just happens to look clean-cut and nice most of the time, all of it, the boyish handsomeness, the seeming goodness of character, the soft body language — god-given. he seemed to inhabit a different sphere of the universe from me. was i intrigued for this reason? i rarely find myself drawn to people who are conventionally attractive because i just can't fathom how our perspectives could ever be aligned when we've lived in discrete worlds. but it’s friction, opposites attract, isn’t it?

i may not hear back from him again. if so, i may not reach out again either. there’s only so much silence and uncertainty i can take

if this is goodbye, then let it be so. thank you for the short-lived friendship/fantasies. it was painful, but i grew up so much in the past few weeks. it might be the end for us in that we can’t pursue anything further from this, but i still intend to keep you as a friend, not in a way that would invite hope for something more, but just as somebody i'm glad to have met and wish the best for in life, if you'd be so kind. pls be well, wherever you are and whoever you’re with

LOL all that and

ok tbh im not ready to give up on you yet until someone else better comes along the way. i definitely don’t want to say goodbye completely. but i’ll go slow and steady. if it’s a hard no by then (he hasn’t rejected me at this point — more of kept the doors closed but not locked, kept the bridges barricaded but not burnt) then i’ll go away. as ldr once sang: “hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have — but i have it” — and im ok with letting it ruin me

[thoughtslikeocean]

New Orleans

June 23

-This was Rhyann’s last day with me. His flight left Phoenix at 1 PM. We spent the morning together and then I brought him to the airport. I came back home, packed, cleaned up a bit and then head out to catch my flight. Traveling was long. My flight was delayed and also I had a lay over in Las Vegas. Which feel very senseless when you’re traveling to New Orleans. Anyway, I arrive in New Orleans around midnight. Britt picks me up from the airport. Traveling is smooth because I decided I didn’t need to check a bag. I packed two and a half outfits and went on about my way.

June 24

-Britt woke up this morning to go to brunch with her friends. She invited me but I was way to exhausted to go so she let me sleep in for a little while longer. Our plan was to hangout and then meet Jarvis later which is pretty much what happened. Brittany had to bring her friend’s dog to the boarding place which was an entire event honestly. Anyway , we picked up some crawfish and po boys and then head to Jarvis new apartment. It’s super cute and in a great location. He’s spending hella money for it but its a cute little bachelor pad though. It’s nice for the season he’s in. Later on Jarvis’s friend Chad comes to join us. I’ve heard about Chad numerous and times and has talked to him over the phone but this is my first time meeting him. This dude is 45 and looks 25. Legit get like Pharell. It was astonishing to see. We all drank wine and chat for a bit before deciding to head to the roof top. There is when I noticed there was a full moon. I immediately sat down and started to pray and manifest that I have a weekend filled with divine meetings and appointments. I didn’t necessarily have a frame work of what thats supposed to look like but I knew I wanted everything to be intentional this weekend. After that, we all attempted to find a spot to eat but that fell through so Britt Jarvis and I ended up picking up insomnia and then Britt and I headed back to her place.

June 25

-For this morning the plan was to meet Jarvis, Chad and Shay for brunch. We got a bit of a late start but we ended up making it happen. We ate a spot in the French quarter called Stanley’s. Their food was pretty good and it was a cute atmosphere. Shay and the kids dipped once they were done eating and Britt needed to make it back home os she could hang out with her friends later. Me, Chad and Jarvis were left so we went somewhere else to grab a drink This is when Chad and I start hitting it off and I realize this is someone who is going to be very helpful in making sure than I am successful if I decide to set up a practice in New Orleans. It literally felt like a divine appointment. It was solicited when he asked me if I knew Dr. Turshá! I was like uhhhh yeaaaaa duhhhh!!! Apparently they went to high school together! All in all, it was an unspoken agreement that we were meant to meet at exactly this moment in time for a reason. Chad had to leave for work so I asked Jarvis to bring me by my grandparents house so I can spend a little time with them. Jarvis had a therapy appointment so I he did that while I was on Belfast and came back when it was over. Grandpa really just wanted to talk about Lazarus and all the BS but I wasn’t about to do that. I had a little liquor courage of course and I was able to just speak candidly on how I felt about the situation. I wasn’t disrespectful at all but I was really tired of him stressing over this Lazarus situation when this boy is gone be just fine. He just wants other people to stress out with him. Anyway so we leave there and head over to this place called “The Wrong Iron” to meet Greg and his friends. We get there and its such a cute backyard ducked off spot. Nice drinks and cool people. I met Kevin, Gabriel and Justin. All seemingly good people. I order a drink called Strawberry Frozé not realizing that it’s made with Rosé. I Got halfway though the glass and my stomach was hurting so bad. So we all made the move to get wings from a place that I cant figure out the name. But the wings were really good. While we were in there waiting for our food, I caught a timely video of Greg falling through a door but picking himself back up mid air. It was classic. Literally just happened to be recording at exactly the right time. We left there and Jarvis drops me off at Greg’s place. Me, Greg and Justin chill for a minute, take shots, listen to music, smoke a bit before heading back out. Arial worked today but said she would come to NO so we can hang out. So by this time she’s here and I figured I would run into her at some point. Of course once we parked and walked not even two blocks, we happen to be right around the corner from where she was already sitting down having drinks. She came with her girlfriend Payton and friend John (JT). We ate another cute outdoor place called The Yard. Took a few shots, danced and ate fried pickles. We then walk over to a place called Dragon’s Den. It was cool but it was still early in the night os still a bit slow. We left after about 10 minutes and drive to this place that we saw on the way there. It was also outside but a little more (lot more) hood. It looked like it was jumping though. So we get out and somehow just walk in without standing in the line. This tends to happen very often when I’m out with Arial lol So we waltz on in. Music is BLASTING. They playing good stuff though. We head to the bar to grab shots. Arial decides she’s gonna find some weed. Greg goes “no way you’ll be able to do that in here”. Of course she comes back within 10 minutes with weed lol Again, not surprised…it’s Arial. They smoke a bit and I dance a lot. Having a great time! We leave there after maybe an hour and decide to drive back to Dragon’s Den. A parking spot opened up for us in the strangest way. Which you know tryna park in the streets of New Orleans can be real difficult. But we didnt have any problems tonight. Everything worked out just fine. Side Note: We were freestyling in the car which is something I only ever do when im at camp with kids. I forgot how much joy

that brings hahah

So anyway we make out way back into Dragon’s Den, which is popping at this point. Good music, got some drinks in our system. Its all well. I even see Terri and a couple other people form XU in there. Arial and Payton end up dipping out at some point during that time. Eventually Greg, JT, Justin and I dip as well. We bring JT to his car and then the three off us decide we’re hungry again! We hit a place that has good fish, shrimp and grits. We were the only ones in there. It was freakin delicious. Two funny moments happened in there. 1. We were so thirsty so we asked if we could all get water. We’d been drinking all night so thats definitely what we needed. I guess the man was trying to be nice ad gave us all free sprites. You want to be grateful but at the same time we def dont need sprites. We laughed about that for like 30 minutes. Cause of course we never went back and asked for the water. 2. Three young white boys walk in. By young, I mean no more then 14 years old trying so hard to act cool. Young dude walk up to our table to tell her, unprovoked, that hes been smoking since he was 12 and some other BS that none us cared about. All three of those kids were weird. Also it was like 4 AM so who’s idea it was to take mom’s car and head out in the middle of the night I have no clue.

At any rate, we leave there and head home. It was 5 am by the time I showered and laid down. WHAT A NIGHT!

June 26

-At some point throughout the night we’d decided to do brunch this morning. I knew Justin wasn’t going to be able to make it because he said he had a funeral to attend. We woke up, sat on the porch and smoked a bit before getting dressed. It was a beautiful morning. We got dressed to a little praise through the speakers and decided on Ruby Slipper. Arial made it there first and called to let us know that the wait was 3 hours so of course thats a no. She then tells us to head to a place called Bear Cat. We didnt realize that there were two different Bear Cats so we ended up at two opposite ones. We decided that it wasn’t going to work. We missed the window of opportunity. So Greg and I put our names on the waiting list for the Bear cat we’re at and there’s a 90 minute wait. While we’re waiting we decide to kill time at this near by restaurant and get some drinks. Once we sit down there and look at the menu, we decided to order food. I ordered shrimp and grits and he chicken and waffles. Before we got our food, out waiter comes to tell us that its restaurant week and that our food is going to be 20 dollars. LIKE WHATTTTT?!?!? We ate, drank, vibes to the music and then stopped by my grandfather afterwards to say hello. Then we back to the house to chill for a minute. Jarvis came back cause I left my card with him and Justin cam back as well. We started nerding out on space/history/physics before heading out to get snowballs and zoom to the airport. I got a cotton candle snowball from plum st. Made it to the airport 30 minutes before the plan was to take off and still got a great seat. I sat next to two women who were on their way to Vegas for a girls trip. One of them had never flown before. She actually did pretty well. A few jumps and yelps but for the most part she did okay. The last sitting right next to me was very nice and passed on some words of wisdom on staying prayerful and focused. Alex picked me up from the airport and I came home only to be craving crab legs. I picked those up, came home and talk to bae while I ate them. He went to bed and I went soon after him.

[sugaabooga]

lowkey part-timer!Jisung

Pairing: Yoon Jisung x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Christmas-themed, bullet-point scenario

Summary: A Christmas romance sparks between you and the cute, bubbly part-timer in your local grocery store.

Warnings: None

A/N: First story in the Christmas-themed scenarios I’m doing! I’m hoping I’ll be able to finish all of the rest 17 scenarios by Christmas!

Jisung was the cute part-timer at your local grocery store

He’s been working as the cashier in aisle 8 after he’s graduated from uni after he couldn’t find a job that pays decently

He decided to stay in his hometown, after suffering in a totally new city, and got a part-time job as a cashier that paid pretty well

You on the other hand, bought your own studio after moving out of your hometown

Your job as a photographer caused you move out and go to other places rather than your small town that always made you feel caged

You were putting together all your pictures you had taken the past week since you had to put out a new project soon

You decided to take a break and have a quick lunch then walk around to the parts of the city that you hadn’t been able to see yet

When you come out of your studio with all your necessities, you realize that a bunch of people were putting up Christmas decor and trees around their shops

It was Christmas? Already?

You celebrated Christmas, for you were a religious person, but you never got the whole holiday spirit type of thing

You didn’t really enjoy Christmas songs or the cold really

when you came out of your house you had only slipped on a thin cardigan with your camera and everything in your purse

You hated the cold

You had once been locked out of your house one winter and had to wait outside until your parents got back home from work

You were practically frozen when your dad discovered you covering your body with the welcome mat

So yah you had a trauma of the cold

You quickly take some pictures of the snow and all the people getting on ladders to decorate the light posts and rooftops

You smile at your work and skip down the sidewalk to the farther parts of town

You find yourself in front of a market which you had never seen before even when you were driving around when you first came

Maybe it was new?

You went in since you were hungry anyway and they most likely had samples

Meanwhile, Jisung was helping some of the other workers take out boxes and such, since no one was really in the lines

You were eating some of the sample dumplings when you see a chip bag fall

You’re about to pick it up when you feel more chip bags falling on you

You lift up your arms to shield yourself and let out a small shriek

You lose your balance when a heavy box falls on you

“OMG I’M SO SORRY! ARE YOU OKAY!?!? OMG OMG!”

You’re ready to give the guy a piece of your mind

But then all your thoughts are lost bc

Wow

This guy was cute

He was almost pouting while putting the bags back in the box

He noticed that you were standing back up so he quickly got up and bowed to you

“I’m so sorry….I-I didn’t see you there!”

You’re about to tell him it’s okay, but then suddenly a man who seemed like the manager came storming over

“YOON JISUNG!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? JUST BC IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS TIME IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD LOSE YOUR WORKING MENTALITY! YO-”

“It’s fine! It was my fault! I suddenly stepped in front of him while he was passing.”

You defend jisung and he’s actually really surprised!?!?

Bc a normal person would be complaining w/the manager

And it would end up w/jisung mopping the floors or something

Yea this wasn’t the first time jisung caused trouble lol

But here you were LYING so he wouldn’t get in trouble

The manager is left speechless bc he kinda looks down on Jisung

So he storms away annoyed

Jisung glances at his furious manager then thanks you

“This isn’t the first time this happened & i prob would’ve gotten fired. thank you so much”

You grin bc omg he was so cute?

His santa hat was about to fall off so you reach over and straighten it up

Making jisungs cheeks turn soo red you thought he was gonna burst

You leave after that whole incident and you come back a week later

You just couldn’t get jisung out of your mind

You were sorta hoping to see him somewhere around the area where you live but no luck:P

So you just decided to go to his workplace yourself

When you entered, you were really shocked bc it was reallyyyyy busy

There were so many more ppl than last time

It was prob bc Christmas was now a week away

And ppl just buy presents last minute ya know

They were also preparing more food for family&friends so yah

You grab a pack of gum and head to the shortest line which was aisle 8

You were looking at your pics that you took earlier and that’s when you hear a familiar voice greet the elderly woman in front of you

You look up w/hope that it was Jisung and boi oh boi yes it was

This time he was wearing a headband w/reindeer ears that were somehow slightly slanted

After he greets the woman in front of you goodbye he turns to you with a smile then it falters when he notices

Wow it’s that really cute girl that defended me from my devil-ish manager

You just politely smile, not knowing if he remembered you since you were irrelevant ya know

But then he totally remembers you bc

“OMG IM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN! DO YOU REMEMBER ME? AH~ AGAIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAVING ME FROM GETTING FIRED!”

“......uh...no problem?”

He grins and tries to make small talk w/you which is cute aha

Even tho you’re only buying one pack of gum

He somehow takes ten minutes to scan the barcode and charge you ???

I can’t with jisung he’s such a cute, underappreciated bean

You were in the middle of a very intense convo about beavers so you decide to meet him at a nearby coffee shop on Christmas Eve (may or may not be where barista!daniel works but you should go check it out :P shameless self-promo)

Both of you forget to give ea. other your numbers

But hopefully both of you will remember about that date meeting

AND YOU DO

fate really is on your side

You enter the coffee shop at like 6pm bc you weren’t sure if you guys decided the exact time to meet

You guys didn’t lol

But ya know

Fate will bring the two of you together right?

You wait for thirty minutes, but still no Jisung

You’re starting to think that he forgot, but then remembered he had a shift that ends at 9pm

Idk how you knew that but...it works

so you decide to just sit there and sip on some drinks

you take pictures and all

You’re so immersed into taking pictures of everything around the whole shop, that you don’t notice the timid and nervous looking man entering the now, almost empty cafe

You’re frowning at the picture you just took when you feel a tap on your shoulder

You turn around to see Jisung with a sorry, but excited grin on his face

You greet him with a wide smile as he apologizes how he didn’t know what time he had to come

He starts to ramble and you shush him

Like why does this guy say ‘sorry’ so many times?

“It’s fine. We both forgot to say a time to meet up. Besides, I wasn’t here that long”

He seems a tiny bit less sorry so the two of you start the convo about the beavers again

The talk about beavers went to zoos then went to how your lives went then led to your jobs, your interests, your hobbies, what that girl was wearing, blah blah blah

You felt like you really had a connection w/jisung

The two of you, as cliche as it may sound, clicked immediately

It only felt like five minutes passed, but the coffee shop owner had to kick you guys out since it was thirty minutes past closing time

You swap numbers this time and plan to meet each other at the same place tmrw @ 7pm for the annual Christmas tree lighting at downtown

Both of you lived alone and you suggested “why not have the loners meet up on Christmas Day?”

Jisung didn’t have work and you didn’t want to stress about your projects, so the two of you had agreed

As you walk back home you cant help but feel so giddy

How was a man having this much of an effect on you?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE A THING FOR HIMMMM

You smile at all the snow piling up and gape at how beautiful everything seemed

You have never felt so excited for Christmas

The next day comes by SO SLOWLYYYY

You weren’t able to sleep from the anxiousness and expectation you had for the next day so you were sorta tired

But you got dressed in simple clothing and went out for a walk and to buy Jisung a Christmas present

You didn’t know what he liked since you literally starte talking to him a wk ago

So you settle for some Christmas-themed socks, beanie, a pair of house slippers, and a gift card to the coffee shop you had been at yesterday

As you walk in and out of stores, you couldnt help but sing along to the Christmas carols that were playing

which you had never done b4

you did a double take and stopped singing, but you found urself humming along to “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”

And you also couldn’t help but oogle at all the stuffed animals that filled the walls

They were SO CUTEEE AND FLUFFYYYY

One of the stuffed ducks reminded you a lot of Jisung so you decided to buy it

You bought a lot of things, but they were all for a decent price so :))

It gets really dark really soon and it’s 6pm

ONE MORE HOUR TILL YOU MET JISUNG

You hurry back home and quickly dress in layers since it was going to be collldddd

The weather forecast said there was a 99.99999999% it was going to snow, so you couldn’t risk it

Even tho the weather forecast is always wrong

You pack your camera again bc you were planning to create a Christmas themed project nxt

As you run out the door you send Jisung a txt saying that you’ll be right there since it was five minutes till seven

When you arrive in the warm shop, your glasses immediately fog up causing you to groan

You try to fan the fog away but to no avail:)

Then you hear a big laugh and you turn to sorta make out a figure that looks like Jisung

He takes the end of his sleeve and cleans your glasses and you’re met with the brightest smile you have ever seen in your whole entire life

Maybe that’s when you fell for him

Tho it was a person you had known for a little over a week

You felt like you knew Jisung since you were a kid

He hands you a cup of peppermint hot chocolate and pulls you along to get a good view of the Christmas tree b4 too much ppl come along

You get there just in time and wait a few moments until the announcer comes out onto the podium

You and Jisung both cheer as the five minute countdown starts

The minutes go by so quickly and you jump up and down to keep yourself warm

Then you see a few snowflakes falling on Jisung

You both look up to see that ITS SNOWINGGGGGGG

The whole crowd of people ooh and ahh

And some kids squeal in glee

You softly smile and get out your camera to take a few shots of the falling snow

When you’re done there’s a minute left on the clock

You suddenly remember your present for Jisung and quickly get it out and hand it to him

“Merry Christmas!”

Jisung gasps and says ‘thank you’ in such a genuine way that it fills your heart w/pure happiness

He then shuffles around his backpack and takes out a large box that’s prob filled w/similar things as you gave him

You start to hear the announcer countdown from 10

ten

And that’s when Jisung starts to speak

“H-Hey, Y/N?”

Nine

“Hmm?”

Eight

“I know it’s been only like two weeks since we met”

Seven

But I can tell you’re such a nice person, ever since the day I first saw you”

Six

“You’re such a great person…and….uh”

You furrow your brows

What was he trying to say?

Five

“We have so many things in common than I thought we would”

Four

“I really thought i would get fired that day i dropped the chip bags on you”

You smile at the memories as the crowd gets louder and louder as the time to light the tree get closer

Three

“A-And ever since I saw you....Y/N...I uh”

You roll your eyes at his weird stalling

Two

“JISUNG! SPIT IT OUT!”

He looks at you w/wide eyes

One

“I-I LIKE YOU!”

The crowd erupts in cheers and claps w/kids screaming and laughing at the lights that shown brightly

The announcer shouts “now go home!” with a hearty laugh

Jisung stands in front of you with his hand clamped over his mouth

You stay silent and stare at him in shock

What were you supposed to say?

Sure you liked him, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to date someone you had known for a week

“T-THAT CAME OUT WRONG!”

you tilt your head in confusion

“What?”

“I don’t like you! NO NO I DO LIKE YOU! B-BUT-”

You burst out laughing at his panic

“I like you too, Jisung! But how bout having our first official date after getting to know each other a bit longer than a week?”

And the two of you stand in front of each other w/goofy smiles on your faces, in front of the glimmering, 30ft tall Christmas tree, underneath the moonlight in the gently falling snow

dang this was pretty bad lol

[wannasoftimagine]

imagine park woojin as your classmate

project partners to dating partners :’)

(( AS REQUESTED // omg since ure a woojin stan can i get a request where y/n and woojin study in the same course after his wanna one activities (before he debuts in brand new music) and got closer after a project andddd you can write whatever after that LMAO :^) THANK YOU ))

okay so ure a fan of wanna one

who isnt tbh

and lucky u bc it turns out tht ure going to college w the one and only park woojin!!!!!!! (srsly tho what r the chances)

u forgot tht woojins age is kinda similar to urs bc he always acts like a tough guy on stage or a little kid off stage and u forget that hes a student like u

anyways

its a little weird to get used to seeing him in person after all the pictures n videos uve seen of him online

like?? hes a Real Person??? what a wild idea

and even tho ure both in the same college course, u try to keep ur distance

as much as ud like to befriend him, hes still an idol (even tho he hasnt debuted w brand new yet) and its rlly hard for u to start up a conversation w someone famous

also ure lowkey worried tht its going to ruin how much u admire him, and that actually talking to him will destroy how highly u view him

little do u kno hes seen u around campus before n thinks ure pretty cute

;))

okay but anyways

u make sure to stay out of his way bc the last thing u want is to bother him by asking for a signature or picture or smthn

u try and keep a minimum of like 10 yds between u at all times

(bc itd be even more embarrassing if u tripped right in front of him and that was the first thing he noticed abt u)

but lucky for u, life doesnt care what u have planned

bc its only a month into the semester and u already have a huge project assigned

of course, it’s a partner project

it might be okay if u were able to choose ur partners, but ur teacher insisted on trying to help everyone “bond w their classmates” so its all completely random

unfortunately for u, u get sick the day that ur teacher assigns partners

so u have no idea who ure paired up with

ure stuck asking some of ur classmates, but none of them rlly remember

everyone was a bit busy stressing out over their own partners tbh

and u keep asking around a bit, but u only know so many ppl in the class so eventually u kinda give up and hope ur partner isnt too bad

u settle on focusing on ur other classes, studying for future exams and reviewing ur notes in the library

even tho ure not sick anymore, u still feel a bit drowsy from all of the different medications u took and all of the work u were trying to catch up on

so. all excuses aside u fall asleep

prob not the best plan esp since some of ur things are balancing on the edge of ur desk

but the heart wants what the heart wants, and it rlly wants to sleep

ure having a rlly weird dream abt pirate monkeys when ure jolted awake by someone bumping into ur side

u look up to see someone sprinting away from u and like okay. thts a little weird

u try not to think abt it too much bc ure still kinda sleepy

so u settle on gathering ur things so u can head back to ur dorm and decide whether or not u want to study, sleep more, or find something to eat

as u collect everything, u notice a little post it note that hadnt been there before

in messy handwriting, it says “i didnt want to wake u but im ur partner for the partner project. im woojin and u can text me at [xxx-xxx-xxxx] whenever u want to meet up i hope u sleep well”

u realize that ur partner is prob the one u saw sprinting away from u earlier after he accidentally bumped into u lol

somehow u momentarily forget that ur partner is THE park woojin and ure like aw cool this woojin guy seems nice

then ure like WAIT A SECOND

ure highkey in shock and keep pinching urself to make sure its real

so u end up taking the rest of ur stuff back to ur room and wondering how u should text him

eventually u decide on a simple greeting and ur name, and u ask him when hes free

u have to send the text and then throw ur phone onto the floor bc U JUST TEXTED PARK WOOJIN ABT MEETING IN PERSON. GOD BLESS

ure suddenly super grateful abt every decision tht led u to this moment

anyways

ur phone buzzes on the floor so u scramble to pick it up

only to realize tht its a text from ur mom asking how ure doing

u text her back and tell her not to worry, then attempt to clean ur room a little instead of waiting for woojin to text u back

u just finish reorganizing ur closet when he texts u

its a quick text, smthn along the lines of “im free tmrw afternoon, do u want to meet by the cafeteria” so u agree quickly and hope u dont seem too desperate

and u KNOW its not a date

u guys havent even spoken to each other before so???

but ure still rlly nervous bc its WOOJIN and u want to impress him, even if ure just going to spend most of ur time talking abt boring coursework

u both settle on a time to meet and u pretend not to freak out

anyways skip to the next afternoon

u get there a bit early but ?? hes there already ??? ldsjks

and he looks Really Cute like hes wearing a sweater and ripped jeans and looking like complete boyfriend material wow ure p sure u can feel ur heart stop in ur chest

hes a bit awkward but uve heard abt how shy he is so u try not to take it personally

as soon as he sees u he blurts out tht u look nice and that is not helping the way tht this feels like a date

u guys end up moving to a bench in the shade bc its rlly nice out and this way ure able to talk freely without worrying abt being too loud

he explains the project a little, and u guys go back and forth offering up ideas

he always nods super enthusiastically whenever u suggest smthn and its honestly the cutest thing uve ever seen

its so weird for u to remember that this is the same guy uve seen videos of online bc what the heck

anyways

neither of u are extreme geniuses in the class, but ure both still pretty smart

ure pleased to find tht u guys complement each other well, w different areas of interest inside the same field

it helps ur project run a lot smoother than u thought it would, so u guys split up the work and agree to do as much as u can before u meet up again

ur conversations are still a bit stilted bc ure both still shy w each other, but overall u seem to get along well so ure happy

u text each other every once in awhile to talk abt the project or ask questions

u meet up a few more times in the next couple weeks but its all work and no business

still, over time u find urselves joking around with each other a little more, teasing each other and talking abt urselves instead of the project

of course, all things must come to an end

so all too soon, the day u submit the final project arrives

and ure a little worried tht woojin is going to disappear from ur life again

bc maybe he’s only been this nice to u bc hes just a sweet guy, but as soon as the project ends he wont care abt talking to u anymore

after all, its not like u guys meet up for meals or to hang out that often - even when ure just relaxing w each other, theres always some part of ur convo tht centers around the class

so as ure freaking out over this

he texts u asking if u want to come over to his dorm while he submits it

and mb u guys can just hang out afterwards?

obviously u agree and u cant stop smiling

when u show up at his dorm, hes wearing sweatpants and a tshirt and he looks adorable as heck when he invites u in

u guys sit on his bed as he loads all the stuff on his laptop and u try not to be hyperaware of the space between u two

woojins also screaming internally but somehow u dont notice the way he keeps staring at u out of the corner of his eye

u click the “submit” button together and HIS HANDS ARE SO GENTLE also theyre shaking a little???? huh

u assume its just bc hes Extra Nervous for the project but honestly? no hes just never been this close to u and hes freaking out

but anyways

u decide to go out to eat off campus afterwards to celebrate being done

a lot of the places have long waits or are too expensive so u just eat at a chikfila

its rlly casual but its fun and u guys argue abt whether chicken nuggets or chicken sandwiches r better and u cant help but think abt how much fun ure having w hiim

u end up blurting it out to him on accident and ure v v embarrassed

but he laughs and admits tht he rlly likes spending time w u too

so u promise each other to keep hanging out afterwards

it gets to the point where weeks later, ure still texting each other to complain abt classes or ask abt the other persons day

it still feels like a dream tbh

but u guys enjoy each others company whenever u can

most of the time u end up meeting each other at the cafeteria or studying together in the library, but u both just rlly like spending time w the other person

this routine continues for awhile and its prob the best part of ur life

but at one point ure trying to sneak up on woojin and surprise him when u see him talking to himself

as u creep forward, u realize tht hes actually on the phone, and he looks kinda stressed

it feels a bit invasive so ure looking around trying to find a place to go while he finishes up his phone call

but then u hear him say ur name so. consider u INTERESTED

and he keeps getting flustered and shutting down anything tht the other person says which is weird bc hes p shy, but hes never usually tht adamant and blushy abt something

eventually he tucks his phone away and lets out a Huge sigh so ure like,, hey u good

and he laughs it off but u can tell hes a little antsy, so u decide to tell him tht u overheard a little bit of him on the phone, and u ask him what it was about

he literally turns into a tomato its so funny u wish u had recorded it

but hes like “HOW MUCH DID U HEAR”

even tho u tell him u didnt hear much, he refuses to believe u and he spends the next few minutes pouting

u keep trying to get him to talk to u normally, but he refuses

finally he ends up grumbling smthn and ure like ???

and after a few half hearted efforts to repeat himself hes like “just tell me u dont like me back”

and. WHAT.

he pouts again and its so sos sosososoos o so cute u think ure going to combust honestly

“i kno u heard me tell him tht i like u!!!! just tell me u dont feel the same and leave me alone to cry”

and u have to reassure him tht u definitely didnt hear that BUT ALSO what???

n hes literally mortified when he realizes ure serious

but he has this rlly cute determined expression like “ok well now u kno i like u!!!!! y/n, please go out w me???”

n its like OF COURSE and u tell him tht u like him too and he keeps smiling and acting shy

honestly u both just make each other super happy

when u start dating, its not too diff from when u were friends, except now ure more affectionate w each other

both physically and with ur words

he loves hyping u up, and u feel the same

esp when he starts practicing more to debut w the rest of the bnm boys

u support the heck out of each other and can always count on the other person to be there for u when u need it the most

honestly its super soft and ure totally proud to be a lowkey campus couple even tho u have to keep ur relationship on the down low bc of dispatch

still u both care for each other a lot and u wouldnt trade what u have for the world

[stuclyblrs]

hi everyone !!!! i’m a rising freshman at college/uni and thinking back on the college apps process i realized that i learned a lot that i would like to share !! i was successful with my college apps so im hoping i can give good advice✨

want to see more of this series? click here for the rest of the posts !!

organizing ur schools

alright so now u know what you want in a school and have some schools on ur list time to organize them !

the super prepared way this was uhh not at all me but if you are some one who likes to be organized here are some things you can do !

spreadsheets - this is the most common way i’ve seen! using excel or google docs allows you to have all ur schools in one place and it allows you to compare the different factors that youve identified as most or least important. additionally, it is useful to easily see which schools are closer to you stat-wise through the various methods of color coding that excel has

@appsademia has an excel sheet here that you can use

@thestudyaesthetic has another spreadsheet idea here

@science-is-golden has a college application checklist that’s super clean and organized - a good resource for organizing the important info for your applications (such as deadlines, acceptance rate, and other requirements) (original post) 

good ol’ notebooks - super easy way to store key info about colleges and that way u can basically pick any kind of layout that fits your needs. get a new notebook and make a section for each school you’ve considered with all the key factors (dont forget to include deadlines !) also a good resource to make more of a timeline rather than just info

printables - similar to using a notebook, but layouts are already designed for you 

organizer from us news - also includes other sheets for campus tours and a general checklist

plain and simple printable from popdox on esty - includes information that might be overlooked (like what ap credits schools with accept)

less detailed organizer from seekingthesouth blog so it’s good if u just want to get to the point

@studenting has printables that include a sheet for organizing info, checklists, and writing supplements

the lazy student way if ur like me and didnt care enough to make fancy spreadsheets like the rest of your friends have no fear you can still be on top of everything! the number one thing to do is enter every college ur considering into ur common app (even if youre still not sure about a school and might delete it later). the common app dashboard will easily display the application deadlines, if supplements are required, how many letters of rec, etc. for all the schools. additionally, you can save schools on collegeboard which will allow for easy access of a school’s statistics. this is p much all i did and i didnt have problems keeping deadlines or other requirements straight

ranking your schools

now that you have your schools and you’ve gathered all the information about them, it’s time to make a list ranking your schools. this where you decide what schools could be right for you and what schools you should take off your list. while i didnt do this, i have seen many people rank the various factors for each school on a scale of one to ten and add up the points (make sure to include costs in this !!) you’ll want to view your schools critically and determine if you really want to attend a school or if you’re just applying due to external pressures (such as prestige or because your parents want you to). another factor that can help determine if you should apply to a school is a campus tour. on paper, a school might sound like it could be your dream school however you might completely hate it once you visit. the vibe a school gives off can be something that’s hard to describe but it is an important influence in deciding what is right for you - i will cover campus tours more in-depth in my next post

determining safety/match/reach schools

a super important step in ur college application journey !!! you need to make sure that you have a balance of schools (or hope that u dont fall in love with any reach schools lol) to ensure that you’ll end up at a school that you will be happy and successful in

safety - these are schools that you have confidence in and are almost certain that you will get into. your safety schools should have acceptance rates >60% and generally your stats (gpa/test scores) should be better than than the average stats of accepted students. your safety school should also include price !! if you cant afford it then its not a safety school since u might get into a reach school and then realize you cant attend to due cost. this is also super important but make sure you actually like your safety school. i cannot stress this enough too many times have i seen people apply to schools that they dont care about just so they have a safety school. while it doesnt need to be your number one choice, you never know what will happen in the admissions process and it /could/ end up as your only choice so make it a good one !!

match - these are schools that fall right in the middle. match schools have acceptance rates between 40%-60% and your stats should fall in line with the average stats, but they still could be slightly less.

reach - these are the schools w/ crapshoot admissions. doesn’t matter what your stats are, it’s always going to be up in the air if you have a chance a getting in or not. these schools have acceptance rates >40% and they could have stats where u match with the average stats or the average stats could be higher than yours. this category also includes schools that are out of your price range

lots of people wonder what the right number of schools to have is and tbh there is no real answer to this? you should definitely have at least one safety though !! and in general, you really shouldn’t have 10+ schools. i know i cant stop you or tell you what to do but if you have that many, then you probably haven’t put a lot of research into your schools and have found the ones that will be the best fit for you (i personally applied to 5 schools). additionally, application costs can be $70 and several schools have extra essays so that’s a lot of extra effort and money that you do not need to spend.

that about covers everything for creating the perfect college list ! if you still have questions please send me an ask !!!! i already mentioned this, but my next post will cover campus tours (my personal fave tbh) so please check back soon for that post!

[ildivine]

between watching a lot of youtubers, losing a lot of sleep, and playing a lot of the off-peak games, i feel my creativity blossoming in the abstract way that i strive for.

i at least have come to understand how my creativity is dulled, and what i need to get it going again. its difficult, getting older, and becoming more jaded, and depression in the back of my mind is a noisy buzzing that can only be quelled with alcohol or weed. ive been learning how to deal without the prior, but, mm.

i dreamt about gavin and i think about a lot of people in ways that i don’t get to often talk about. its not like i talk to my therapist about this kind of thing. i havent mentioned the system to any since the last one i trusted treated it like DID, and thats fine for systems that need it, but we don’t work that way, and we never have.

alternatively i do think about myself ... and my past lives, often. i feel my limbs more often and it blends with the dysphoria; its strange to think i get so envious of just being spiritually Aware. ingesting mushrooms is the most helpful thing to me, and i know i mute my own sixth sense with doubt.

ive isolated myself from others quite a bit, as ive been mean again. im learning to appreciate the time i spend with dean and connor, even if it is every day. i miss connor every time i wake up without zem next to me, especially after weekends when i really get used to it.

our one year is coming up in july and ze thought aloud to me about marriage and we gently brushed over it. ze said something along the lines of “well, i wanted to wait for a better opportunity...” which, understandable.

one day ill be able to afford nice things like real rings and wedding ceremonies, but the last week of cleaning up my room, and throwing a lot of things out, made me realize what focusing on survival really means. i told myself that in 2021 i would focus on letting go, and its still hard. letting go of friends, and loved ones, and things, old stuff, its all the same, i have such an emotional attachment that it gets tangled in my head and my emotions. connors told me constantly to buy necessities and i brushed em off ... so im glad a friend helped us make up for it.

its embarrassing and its frustrating to rely on my money for things that others dont see as necessary. alcohol quells my twitching but i do have an addiction to it cuz i simply like to drink til i cant anymore, n im still learning that boundary. weed, i cant really explain what it does for me, cuz it is unusual. simple things like helping my appetite and sleep, two major things i struggle with a lot, as well as giving me inspiration to get up in the mornings, or do anything at all. right now it is medical in new mexico and i have a PTSD diagnosis, and when i smoke, it quiets the voices in my head screaming at me about wanting to die. i dont know how common this is, but its one of the things i struggle with financially. to survive. even with all of my antidepressants and anxiety medications, mental illness still lingers, and i think the more i delve into new media as well as reflect on past lives and old memories, my brain is in a very strange place. but ive come to appreciate that it is strange, i am strange, and i have mental illness, and i probably wont ever be able to silence it. i can take out my desire to cut my own skin open by watching dissection videos, and then im also learning and absorbing new information along the way.

when im not absolutely drunk on a tank of heavy alcohol, i can focus. i appreciate that i lost the years of 2018-2020 mostly due to how much i was drinking, on top of a medication that was already terrible for my memory. but the other day i went through my mood charts over those years, where i wrote down how i was, and although i drank daily and felt guilty about it, my mood was generally stable.

unfortunately its very expensive and unhealthy, and the inevitable withdrawals make me worse off than i started with. my therapist considers me drinking as playing with fire, but ive learned how to consume responsibly; dean and i can stop after a six pack and itll put us to sleep, but ill always want another beer, even in the back of my mind. That slight buzz from the mimosa that Connor drank and melted into was likely most of the reason ze could actually start dozing off, and we were half craving another for fun and relaxation, but i thought “i probably wont be able to sleep tonight without another drink”.

and i was right, and i acknowledge that its a problem. so ive tried to find that sensation from other things like hops tea and carbonated water (ew, its still not good, honestly dsjfsdj) or kombuchas, because it triggers the same response in my brain without.. melting my organs. did u kno ur liver is FUCKING HUGE n its also the only organ that can heal itself?? the cells reconstruct differently than scar tissue usually binds together n i just think thats Neat.meme

jokes aside, i think its also why my liver is Fine despite the fact ive drank since i was 13 years old, minus the year of rehab sobriety. That was also my Only year of sobriety. Digging into my alcoholism ive done a lot of questioning as to why i rely on it, and i think it is a lot to do with being addicted to being drunk, and i think its also a lot to do with ‘wow, i can finally turn my brain off! the thing thats yelling at me all the time, feeling scared and sad,” but drinking is also essentially a boost of stress hormones, so when the endorphins wear off, u get sad or anxious all over again. ive come to learn that i only withdrawal or get hangovers if i drink more than, i guess the recommended amount by doctors. 3 glasses of wine will now do me in, dean can power thru anything regardless of what hes drinking, but it does affect the health in ways i cant ignore.

i enjoy drugs, i think is the bottom line. i look up how to get a hold of psychedelic mushrooms cuz u can just get em in the mail if ur in a country where its decriminalized (hint: we’re not) n immediately the results are between getting help for addiction or how magic mushrooms help depression in low doses.

i really have a theme here. im still mad that my parents induced my reliance on all these substances and i know i would be a lot better off if i didnt drink til i was 21 or never smoked cigarettes, and i accept im always gonna crave these things regardless, but i only feel creative when i drink or smoke, and thats another problem with addicts because u fry ur neurons hard enough it all dies down. ive appreciated watching videos and playing games when i am in the comatose, apathetic stage of depression like i have been in recently, where i cant force myself to do anything and even fronting someone else to do it takes energy that quickly dies down.

my energy has died quickly since i went vegan, as my nails have chipped since, so im experimenting with my diet. my taste pallet cant handle dairy anymore, and connor was only here to try it, and i think we all discovered we just... dont wanna do that. but eating fish again helped my energy and brought a glow back to my skin. too much, however, still gives me the greasy meat sweats, so... a lil bit of everything seems to be whats right.

i still crash a lot, but i think thats just a side effect of being 28 in this generation and feeling 68 instead.

anyway, now that my room is FINALLY clean and looking nice, i want to try to do art again. i miss art. i miss thinking in images, i miss my imagination, i miss roleplaying and writing and drawing and arting. conny wanted to paint too but was absolutely too tired on sunday lol n i respect that so maybe tonight we can get something together.

but its been nice to feel something in my brain stirring again that isnt just the gross black buzz of mental illness constantly telling me to die. i get used to it, i guess. i forget its not supposed to happen because i have survived it for so long. im on the max dose of antidepressants and medicine i can take and i still feel really bad sometimes, but i didnt realize it until other people brought it up. stress definitely kicks me into my big bipolar mood swings, but i havent shaken off the depression in months. im not sure what to do so im trying to expand my horizons.

[rantsbymiriam]

Nightmares

I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was so bad that im still thinking about it today....so vivid in my memory as if it actually happened to me. Thats the thing about dreams, you actually feel all the emotions when you dream. And when you have a bad dream, you feel it as though it was real.

I dreamt I was in a school bus filled with school children and we all got into a major accident. We crashed into the river..but it wasn’t a river..it was a river filled with oil. You cant swim in it. (gila climate change dream)

I survived. The bus driver managed to haul me out. The children died. I cried so much. The bus driver told me that we should leave the area immediately and act like nothing happened so no one would find out. I was appalled at his suggestion but I was too much in shock to be able to process his suggestion. Then suddenly im back at home trying to tell an ex of mine what happened to me with the accident and all. And he just ignored me. 

Then I woke up. 

How many layers of trauma can you point out in this very dream? So many! I dreamt abt dying chlidren!!

 I have a bajillion things to do at work today and all I can think about is 

1- The children died. I can hear their cries. 2- wtf is wrong with the bus driver 3- wtf is my ex boyfriend of 10 years ago doing in my dream ignoring me? Seriously wtf. dah dah la tu. 

Obviously whatever thats going on in your dreams is a reflection of your reality.  Howver, my reality is not so bad now though. Work is work. I should feel pretty excited about whats to come for work stuff (murals and new projects and shit) but I think at this point of my life i cant derive happiness from work anymore. In the beginning I could because everything was new and exciting and now everything is just work...blerghhh..

You know what I need to get? A life. Thats what I need to get. I spent the whole of 2018,2019 focusing all my energy and time on work and figuring out the business....but its already the end of 2019...and im legit dying for something new. I also think I need to start dating again. You know, be a normal 31 year old single woman.

I just dont know how to anymore. All the things I used to like a few years ago...before I left for London in 2016...going to bars, clubbing, partying...im just not into anymore. Whenever I am invited to go, or think about going, my head immediately feels heavy...like my entire body refuses to do all these things...

So i’ve been trying out new activities...like THRIFTING. I am a natural thrifter. It gives me so much satisfaction if I find something I love for RM2. I went last weekend with some friends and we found a RM2 MARIMEKKO PLATE WHAT WHATTTTTT. If thats not a steal I dunno what is. I used to sell these plates at Janine and they’re like RM50. 

I said in my last post that i’ve been getting back into my music.....which is really playing the guitar again..playing my ukelele....writing music..singing to myself. Why did I even stop doing this? I loveeeee music. But for the longest time, ive had the weirdest most complicated relationship with all the music I love. (to cut the story short, a lot of bands trigger my PTSD LOL) I’ve been trying to deal with all these triggers and FORCE myself to listen to the songs and create new memories attached to it. 

I notice this abt myself. When I go through a bad experience in life... when im out of it... I avoid everything to do with that time of my life like THE PLAGUE. Even when the experience also had good stuff in it, I still avoid. I don’t think this is a good way fo navigating life.

For example, last night I went to watch Last Christmas with my mom and my sister (#romcomnight) and the movie was shot in London. I legit had so many WEIRD flashbacks of my time in London. It was non stop. Good and bad memories. mostly bittersweet.  I couldn’t bring myself to really get into the movie because THE ENTIRE MOVIE TRIGGERED ME. I need to deal with this. I WONT allow just a shitty time in London make me hate an entire city that I used to love. Ahh.. London...what a weird time of my life. Thats the moment I realize you can get what you want in life, but still be unhappy about other shit. It never stops. More on that later. 

You know another city that triggers me? Singapore. Oh my god. Now I have 2 freaking countries that make me have the hibbyjibbies when I go there. 

Anyway, this year, I plan to stop getting triggered with crap that doesn’t even directly affect my day to day life. Like music, movies and entire cities that i’ve been completely avoiding because it triggers me so much. As you can obviously guess by now, relationship memories trigger me. I now know that it isn’t the relationship per se that triggers me, it isn’t even the person im seeing. It is just me being overly sentimental and having all these childhood traumas that come back to haunt me when I date people.

And it only comes out when I start getting intimate with people. All my emotional baggage from being abandoned and neglected as a child comes back tenfolds with any guy I date. He could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still have to deal with my baggage. I know my nightmare last night is probably a reflection of all these experiences i’ve had as a child.

It took me a looooongggg ass time to accept and forgive all the people who had hurt me as a child. If you dont know yet, childhood trauma is one of the main reasons why people behave / do / believe in what they do / have unhealthy coping mechanisms...and it can REALLY affect relationships and how you are in a relationship if one does not deal with these traumas properly. It also affects how you deal with stress and stressful situations. It affects everything really. For me it affects EVERY SINGLE THING abt my life, except work related stuff .People always assume I have my shit together because when its work related im almost always on the good side of things. My personal life is the opposite of my work life. It used to be a disaster area. Literally a hurricane went through it and nobody rebuilt it. It was just left there in shambles...Theres a rave happening in the middle of it.....Not really a happy rave...more like a rave happening out of desperation, like “fuck we live in a hell hole. LET’s RAVE!!!” Instead of cleaning up the mess, I chose to rave. Omg. Thats totally me and my life haha. Anyway, that was back then. Currently my personal life is a beautiful garden straight out of a Monet painting..theres a beautiful cottage right by the river.....flowers are blooming everywhere...Its pretty scenic...fantabulous...level boleh masuk Architectural Digest (welcome to my crib)...... The only problem is that its completely EMPTY.... More on that later. 

Back to childhood traumas, I am not the only one in the world with childhood traumas. EVERYONE has childhood traumas in one way or another. EVERYONE has baggage.  You reading my blog here. You have traumas. It’s only a matter of being AWARE of ones trauma or not. Thats your own journey to find out. Some people are lucky to have been born into mentally healthy and happy families, GOOD FOR YOU BRO.

Im not special at all. I hear stories front left and centre about relationships falling apart because of they haven’t properly dealt with all their mommy and daddy issues...and issues regarding the self....

Anyway I dont even know why im talking about this right now..I guess the dream last night made me realize that ive totally been avoiding dating or having relationships (or even meeting new people) and using work as an excuse to not have to deal.

Then again, its not like TINDER has the best quality of men in the world Lol so I know im not missing out on much. But I know I must. 

For the sake of my “art” and creativity. I’ve never been a full time artist AND be in a relationship at the same time. I always wondered all these artists and their “muses” - being inspired by another person to create your art....I find it fascinating. 

If you read about Frida Kahlo’s life and her artist boyfriend...whoa..thats like ART TELENOVELA....Artists are so passionate when it comes to love. I scare myself when I think about it. Artists have no chill honestly. When they feel, THEY TRULY FEEL. Im sure many artists are able to properly regulate their emotions and are just normal ass people...but the artists I know are all super mad in some way....

Which is why, I believe this is the best profession for me. There was no way I could work in an office and be a robot...churn out report after report and new marketing strategies when there is so much ABOUT LIFE out there to get inspired by...I guess this is a topic for another time which I really wanna talk about. Basically how I came into “myself” when I made the change to do what I really want in life. I changed my hair and dressing too.....I suddenly realized “Why am I wearing all this 9-5 bullshit? Why TF am I wearing an A line skirt” I can wear whatever the hell I want I dont have a boss or have to be “professional” and I can get away with wearing a plastic bag on my head if I wanted to. And here I thought I was a “non-conformist” There was so much more I was subconsciously “conforming” to and didn’t realize. Dressing and hair are just surface level stuff....Theres a whole lotta “lifestyle” choices that ive been re-thinking too....Also the sacrifices i’ve made to do the business...I had to do a whole entire LIFESTYLE rehaul for me to be able to afford doing my business......(this is something that I REALLY want to share. Cause chasing your dreams ain’t easy. People only see the glamorous parts of it)

Thats a post for another time. For now, I really gotta go back to work and FINISH UP SOME REALLY EXCITING PROJECTS....

(I tried to do this in caps lock to hype myself, but it didn’t work. im dreading work today....oh well) Im human. some days we get nightmares and it fucks up our entire day. 

[whisper--d--ai]

i moved to a new place

self-harm and suicide trigger warning. this contains lines describing self-harm and attempted suicide. 

this is not fictitious. this is my life and something that should have been simple but turned in to something that traumatized me.

some information has been changed, Paraphrased or left out to protect my identity and the identities of the other people involved. and to shorten the recollection.

so I moved to a new apartment sometime around the end of March?.

(with my dad)

I think ... fuck I really can't remember..

a lot of shit happened during the move it was very stressful I had a lot of anxiety and mental breakdowns so I don't really have my time\s lines straight.

my anxiety and mental state caused me to stop at random and cry> there's some info I'm leaving out so let's just go with "random crying" so I don't make a super long post<

the people around me weren't helping to make things better (the move or emotions)

don't get me wrong I grateful for what little help we did have 

(the person that drove the moving truck, in general, I'm grateful that he drove for us) 

he couldn't help much moving the furniture and large items due to a medical condition.

he was asking me questions that I didn't have the answers to! a lot of the same questions over and over again.

(one of the questions he kept asking was _how much money do you have_ )

(me_i don't know i spent a lot of it on the truck!)

and me constantly saying I don't know call my dad and ask him.

there were just a bunch of communication problems and ignorance.

the drive got very rude at points with the questions and repetition.

trying to tell me what to do and when to do it.

________________________________________________________

(again there's some info I'm leaving out -v)

later in the night, he had the balls to say.

_it's late I'm tired, you 2 should go stay in a hotel_

(at this point we have nothing moved out of the truck or in the apartment but my laptop computer and cleaning supplies)

(me thinking- like srsly was he not listening when I said I spent most of my money on the truck... the fuck. this dude thinks he's tired he should try to be me for the past 5 days.) and after this, I don't really remember my thoughts or though proses.

so at this point, I break down...

crying - screaming - hitting myself in many different ways -...mostly smashing my head off the wall like 37 ish times,

I know I wanted to cut my self... lucky there was nothing sharp noticeable for me to use.

the only reason I managed to “calm down” is because of how many times I hit my head. I got too dizzy to keep doing it __ honestly should have gone to the hospital but didnt_

so I finally calm down(sitting and still crying a bit) and now the driver finally seems to have some semblance of how stressed\anxious I am and have been since the move started, so he tells my dad ok grab one of the mattresses so you 2 have something to sleep on tonight. 

(at this point we have nothing moved out of the truck

I sit long enough that my dad gets his matters in through the building doors...and then (me thinking-  like no fuck that shit I want my own dam mattress to sleep on in my own fucking room he snores and I've dealt with enough shit today.

so I go grab my mattress and got it I the building _lucky me nobody said anything about it when that finally noticed_ 

left my mattress in the lobby to help dad with his to the apartment unit.

then we brought mine up. and when we went down to close up the truck but before that, i decided to look in one of the boxes lucky it was bedding.

(the unit was cold as fuck) 

the driver leaves with the truck.

I realize we haven't had any food all day and there's no food in the place. I have enough change to buy some plastic bowls and spoons - cereal and milk.

we go to the nearby store. I ask the lady running the store were are the bowls and the lady doesn't understand me (she was Chinese her English wasn't that great I guess \ not try to be or sound racist)

so I try re-elaborating what it is that I'm looking for . . . 

and this old assholeI've never met before in my life intervenes saying _ ooh you know a bow the thing that goes on gifts...

me_ ... umm no that not that I'm looking _ and then me and the old guy argue for like 40 seconds then I start ignoring him and look for the dam bowls myself!

I find the bowls and overhear the old guy insulting me to the lady running the store.

. . .

I snap. but this time I don't have any thoughts. I just scream cry run out of the store strait it to traffic ... I just wanted to die I may not remember my thoughts but I remember that feeling the feeling of just wanting to die.

obviously, I didn't die. traffic stopped I stood in the middle of the road for maybe  10 seconds then moved to the other sidewalk. clearly, nobody was going to run me over like I wanted ...

 blah blah blah blah blah 

my dad yelled at me (obviously that didn't help) (srsy that's the reaction you have to your daughter trying to commit suicide __ he really should have me put in the psych ward_ but no he goes no about how he's going to end up in the  psych ward_ ( I'm on a side tangent back to what im at )

blah blah blah_30 minutes later_ I calmed down he calmed down  ( i use the word calm very loosely in this context)

the old asshole has left the store so I go back in get -the stuff I wanted- pay - go home.

get comfy get food in me watch a movie on my laptop. Finnish go to bed.

sleep was shit t it was cold. but I slept better then I would have if I had to share a bed with a snoring jerk in a cold room.

the next morning we finished moving .. well actually be the time everything was out of the truck it was between lunch and dinner (2:40)

we meet \ had a miracle of a nice man named Richard help us move the last bit of our stuff in exchange for pizza.

I swear after all the bullshit this man was a god sent gift and so was the pizza we ordered for dinner (lol)

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it's now may 3. 2018.I've been in the new place for about a month now. a lot of other stuff has happened since we moved most of it bad, I will probably post more about that stuff later.

 deep dark secret  im still feeling suicidal on and off and no-one in my family knows and if that do they don't care or think its serious enough to acknowledge. 

this has been a life recollection of whisper-d-ai page runner of deep dark secrets . by whisper-d-ai.