#im prolly gonna post it tonight or tomorrow too

[starry-kittens]

Went to Michaels again, you know we had to do it to em

[tmnt-reticent]

RETICENT FANS!!!! DRAW THE RET KIDS BEING SILLY AND MY LIFE IS YOURS!!!!!!!!

(I think they deserve to be wholesome as a treat)

[tossertozier]

hey y’all

so, a few weeks ago i posted that, at that time, i really didn’t have concrete plans to update &tfat. there were multiple reasons, but the main being that writing truly was just not enjoyable for me anymore. i was just too - and am still but - hard on myself.

although i’m still ✨mildly✨ unhappy with the last few chapters & the whole fic in general, (take a deep breath & call it a shitty rough draft) someone reached out and offered to commission the entirety of the rest of the fic. i thanked them for the interest but informed them that to commission the remaining 14 chapters would be very expensive. they were insistent they were interested in paying for it.

now, in the interest of transparency, the last time i opened commissions i was completely broke with an inoperable phone when i rely on my phone for everything. my fiscal situation is entirely different now, & i felt a little seedy taking a commission of that size now when money is not something worrying me. i let them know that, and they insisted anyway.

i talked it over with my fiancée and we concluded that i would take the commission if they donated directly to an organization that was really near to me (for homeless lgbt youth that really was a beneficiary to several of my friends - you can dm if you are interested in which one) and they agreed.

they really wish to remain anonymous. when i thanked them again for their generosity, they told me, & i’m paraphrasing for the sake of privacy, “it’s crazy how much has changed since i joined this fandom. a few years ago i would not have had the money to do this. now i’m happy to. there was just a few nights back then when i really needed to read your fic & feel at home. i’m in a much better place now, but i feel like there are people out there who need it now, and i want to pay it forward to them.”

and listen... i warned them that i think a lot of (the fandom in general but esp people who were waiting for an update) have moved on, but they were sure there was one person who’d benefit. i’m posting all of this not to brag, or sound arrogant, but because i just want to throw out a telephone wire between you & this donator, if you feel like you’re that person. beyond me, there is someone thinking of you. i know it’s tough to believe, but there is always someone thinking of you. i just... really want you to know that. i don’t know what else to say.

so. naturally, being me, all of this scares the shit out of me. i really did try & write these chapters before, even if it feels like i didn’t. but i’ve always been a “you got a check, i’ve got a talent” person, & approaching these chapters with a different mindset has allowed me to at least create a product. chapter 37 has been finished for a hot sec, but i felt like it was nearly more important than ever to not land that one on a super long cliffhanger, so i wanted to feel like i had most of 38 banged out first. which i have.

i’m not gonna lie. my self esteem is still garbage. i’m still very anxious about what i’ve written. i feel like most people who were hanging on prolly gave up when i lowkey told them to. but one anon requested that i give a bit of warning before posting should i post, and that’s ✨ what i’m here to do. those who sent me anons of support that went unanswered, they were not ignored. i just didn’t want to pull out this long ✨WOOOEEEE IS MEEE IM SAD BOYYY ✨ discourse on my blog while this whole discussion was actively in place to be like haha thanks for your sympathy but just kidding!!!

i really am trying my best & im trying to channel the energy of my friend & comissioner & genuinely hope that these chapters will touch one person. just one.

all that said. uh. chapter 37 coming late tonight, early tomorrow. (sorry i will never change in this regard.)

i love y’all.

thanks.

[t-underneaththeradardancing]

fuck - idk how  - well to do lots of things  - and we do know tech hate t  - thats not quite on point or en garde either  - but tonights post performance post mortem - paint it black 

the good - tree climbing leaf and dirt hair  - once unconfused t can plaze guitar  - lox and bagel  - some made up on the spot music  - some magic  - lots of love  - love aint always enuff  - uh chili dogs and fries - vitas voice  - liam showing and again doing the hard but right thing/s  

the bad    chili dog hair    t gets confused sometimes ez tho we find workarounds  - its not cheating to tell him the key and a couple chords specially if u usin a capo on a song he never herd - just sayin 

the ugly    uh duz blood and pain count   im ok      shame       the people and soul less beings who cause/d the feelings of shame  ketchup hair 

we end up laffing way too much  -  thing is  - today  started fucked up and pretty much stayed on track  - u know its been uh different since the biz  - and yah there still is one  - its changing gonna change more  prob  - maybe not better just different 

we cries a lot also  

we heal then 

well when u wear ur heart on ur sleeve and ur food in ur hair  

a step back may be in order 

me i prefer to wear my food on my clothes  - it stains better - hair is ez to wash 

did i mention i lissened to crywolf angels ep like 3 or 4 x yesterday  and some el vy   - theres maybe half a dozen ppl readin who will unnastand  - if i mention sad bastards duz it help - no - well just move along then it dont matter much 

( translation  - t is being maudlin again cuz he depressed and future trips heartache and rejection  - no not a romance  - tho the looks - nevermind )

so y is ketchup hair ugly - its a condiment  - now we know that dirt is an excellent conditioner - ask any potato u happen to  - i have gazed more than a few x at the moon  -  this eve tonight   - i wuz gonna say that life had gotten 2 surreal then forgot when it even more happen  - and not the good kind of surreal either  - another luxury problem the wrong kind of surreal - did u get it a amazon  or ikea and yah - that splains it manstyle  - if u cant laff about ketchup hair - i mean wtf 

ok t  - u so fukken cryptic and in group mindfuck - can u bottom line it or readers digest condensed milk  - damn it - its contagious - ( another editor quits ) 

it started a little fucked up - was sposed to meet for acupuncture b4 java - things ran late - acu close early on weekends earlier than i thot so no - vita been going thru lots of hard uh lifestuff  - it manifests and affects  - we both been uh stressed at best - self destructive on various levels at worst w a little delusional thinking inna mix moi at least  - we feel deeply and connect and empath sometimes for an instant completely - its not always pleasant cuz we human  - despite everything going on - we go to do wat we do - play music  w transcendence aim for attained rarely for more than glimpse but sometimes - magic  - we trance in and out and different levels  and different reality layers conflict  - and too much too soon specially w a broken heart  ( no not me  - my heart is good - well yah the heart attack thing but we talkin soul heart )  and some ugly inna mix but not aimed at  and self directed  - we at our different homes safe  or mostly  - hope so - its late now unless u a musician or a barfly and last call wuz a few minutes ago even at the hardcore - there is love in my heart - a bit of dread  - hope a smidgen maybe an ember that i fan boy - oh yah  - we played  - some barely ok - some goodish - a few really good moments  - hearts not completely but then in it  - a baddish incident  - then we play a couple more songs like something proving  not a victory lap not at all sir  - prolly vita and i and i last performance in a while  - slight chance madrone tomorrow but not prolly and im exhausted but maybe  - we get together maybe 2 x this week if we lucky  - she has a last jazz concert i think sat  - imma meet her mom who tuff as nails north korean  born and raised - really  - that will b uh - interesting t  interesting  and a pleasure - maybe ask vita her name and practice - nah - she might as well meet the awkward fucktard  albeit a well behaved version  - but i will do wat i always - apologize in advance and assure by the 3rd time i will at least b very close lol   prolly not socialize much after  - it would b nice if she likes me but tbh expecting disapproval - extreme wariness at least - i would if i was her   - then off to college  - imma wait till she settle in maybe has a friend  - dont want ppls 1st impressions of her to b w a weird af and old as guitar playing friend  - at some point we b recording maybe podcast of some healing writing she been doing w music  cuz low key but an ep  - or album - theres enough good songs and we fuck around w a few more half maybe mostly written inna works  

its after 2 am exhausted not sleepy wired cuz its been that kinda day - sorry but not for the cryptic  - things happen not to b ashamed of  - we played music and performed as well  - real as fuck if nothing else  - it could b a month or more before we perform again together  - there is still a biz  - how much vita will b able to contribute uncertain   - sometimes fucked up things happen - nobodys fawlty towers no guilty party 

love