#im on mobile so i cant under the cut this rant

[coyote-tail-cronically-ill]

so in the state that i live in my testosterone prescription has already been cancelled because i am 18 and not 19, and while testosterone in my case is used for hrt and gender affirming reasons *mostly* it was also used because i cant gain muscle properly and testosterone has helped me gain at least a little more muscle that helps with some of my disabilities and mobility issues. My testosterone was life saving for me and now i have no access to it till im 19, and who knows if they'll make it older as well. I also most likely have hormone complications that testosterone has been helping with tremendously and now I have nothing to help with that at the moment. The ban on HRT for people under 19 doesn't just affect trans people, it affects disabled people as well as intersex people and especially disabled intersex/trans/queer people. It is frightening, it is upsetting, and it is angering. But there is nothing I can do at the moment. I am left to fend for myself by the US government, and that has been the case for as long as I have been alive. But at this current moment it feels as though everything in my life has come to a head. Testosterone and other forms of HRT are life saving, and cutting access to it for people under 19 because of a hatred and disdain for trans people is egregious. I hope that anyone else in a similar situation is getting met with empathy and kindness during this time, and my dms are always open if anyone needs a space to talk or rant.

[spwarkledogz]

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!

ABOUT ME

my name is miles/ellie/mimi! i'm 20 yrs old! this is my therian/otherkin/fictionkin specific sideblog!

i used to be @silly-catpup but i deactivated! i'm starting over here :3 i figured out a lot more things about my identity anyway, so!!

more in depth about me and boundaries under the cut to avoid a long post ..

im very queer and very not quiet about it. i'm a transmasc bigender lesbian girlboy. no, you do not need an explanation of my identity (unless you are really nice about it, of course!)

im a polytherian shapeshifter! my theriotypes are; sparkledog, snow leopard, and cat.

i am a physical therian! if that bothers you, block me forever. we are real and we are not going anywhere!!

me being a sparkledog really has nothing to do with a personal aesthetic that i have. im not necessarily a "scene kid" at all, im just a really colorful dog that looks like 2008 threw up all over it.

my theriotypes are mainly anthropomorphic, but don't always have to be.

i'll probably make a rentry relating to my fictotypes someday but today is not that day

i am low-med support autistic, physically disabled, and an AAC and mobility aid user!

BOUNDARIES

i dont tolerate bigotry of any kind. this includes people who are hateful to queer identities that they personally don't understand.

fatphobia dni, seriously!!!!! i am fat, and while i am happy with my body, that doesn't mean fatphobia cant hurt me. im extremely sensitive to the topic. eating is also a very VERY sensitive topic and i will not be making posts about my eating habits nor will i engage in convos about it (unless its a silly question like my favorite snack!)

mean and judgmental therians do NOT touch my blog im serious! i dont care that you find 12 year old tiktok therians annoying or that you think physical alterhumanity is fake! stay the fuck off my blog or i'll bite you!

minors are free to follow and interact with my posts but please stay out of my dms thanky!!!! (i also will not be mutuals w you or follow back)

shit i dont interact with because i do not care: syscourse, shipping discourse (pro vs anti shit), or any variants of those things!! keep that shit off my blog because i literally dont care about either of them (and dont consider me "neutral" on either of them because of that, either. im not neutral im just not involved.)

TAG SYSTEM

#✩🌈🐶 YAPPER ONLINE - regular posts, talking, etc

#✩🌈🐶 CRAFTS - stuff ive made

#✩🌈🐶 FOAMING - rant, vent, etc

#✩🌈🐶 MAIL - answering asks

#✩🌈🐶 NONNIE - anonymous asks

#✩🌈🐶 REDOG - reblogs

[ikaishere]

disability rant under cut

i think the thing i havent yet come to terms with about being disabled is the things i wont ever be able to do again

i used to love to hike in the mountains. i used to go on a run every day. i used to play basketball, for fucks sake!

and now i will never be able to enjoy rhose things without worsenijg my state, without pain. i cant walk anymore withour constant pain. constant mobility therapy, constant mobility exercises, medification every day. every. day.

surgeries that wont even fucking stop it! they will jusy maybe delay the process. and its not even granted.

i lost everything i fucking had and im just about to lose more. its so unfair. i never fucking asked for it. like what do yoh do when you first hear you will lose the ability to walk and even then still be in constant pain at 11. how do you react. hiw dp you take in the fact that no matter what you do,it wont stop it. it will just make it come later.

what do you do with no one fucki g accepting it ever. pe teachers telling you you are just makijg it up as you almost scream from pain. what do you do.how do you tell your friends you cant go and do things with them because you can barely walk on a bad day.

fuck it. it stripped me off my best years, of my hobbies, of my entire life. as much as i want to accept it, i dont think i ever will be able to

[matrose]

Wait but I wanna hear the unpopular (but correct) opinions about LotR! (No worries if you genuinely don't want to share!)

hi anon!! 😙 thank you for asking 💐🌷💕☺️SADLY most of my opinions are just a response to some take i saw on my pinterest explore page that i personally didnt agree with… im gonna put it under the cut so if this ends up in any tag i wont spam anyone bc its not like different interpretations of characters/text do any harm etc etc its gonna be a long, incoherent rant, without any formatting since im on mobile, so, um watch out :,) also please dont reblog

i really really dislike what feels like majority of the interpretation of the legolas/gimli relationship, like the way people portray them is sooo weird…the constant mutual antagonizing and the focus on bickering!!!! its another movie adaptation thing, because those removed most, if not all tenderness from them (the miniscule gay budget got used up for sam & frodo i guess). the appeal of gimli and legolas is not that they bicker the appeal is that they love eachother so much despite the general tensions between their peoples (although im not a fan of those tensions being overplayed for dramatics) and despite erus prophecy that there would always be conflict between elves and dwarves!!!!!!!!!!

i dislike the common fanon/movie portrayal of gimli but i think ive actually talked enough about that so im gonna talk about legolas because i also disagree with the common interpretations his character seems to find, although it doesnt bother me as much as with gimli, mostly because people still think hes cool. ANYWAYS! i think painting legolas as super hair- and beauty-obsessed (to the point of it bordering on homophobia) was luckily mostly left in the past, though pinterest still bombards me with bad memes, but i still really hate it 😒 another common thing ive seen, thats also more current, is legolas as an idiot who eats bugs or whatever which IS more fun than the first one and also closer to his book-self but i still dislike it simply because i hate when a happy/optimistic character gets headcanoned as being stupid…its unappealing and boring and i dont think its implied anywhere that legolas is exceptionally dumb :( i do like weird kid legolas a lot though hes special to me <3.

anyways since were on the topic of legolas lets talk about his family since thats another fandom/HOBBIT MOVIES favorite to distort! legolas mother is very very likely a silvan elf and very likely not dead in my opinion . i personally think silvan elves are neutral/if not positively inclined towards dwarves 👍 dont like the common fanon of extreme hatred that was taught to legolas by his parents and also dont dont dont like fanon thranduil & everything the hobbit movies made him out to be!!!!!!! i dont doubt that thranduil had some ill will towards dwarves since the whole thingol slaying and doriath thing… but thranduil is canonically a very good king and very kind, and i dont think he would let a grudge against a specific dwarf clan define his relations to a neighbouring kingdom that doesnt even belong to the same clan!!! someone who kept his kingdom save and out of trouble for so long and also has the closest relations to their neighbouring kingdom of men out of all the elven realms would be better than that and atleast be neutral and not hostile sorry this wasnt meant to be about the hobbit movies but i could go ON a out them i cant see legolas in those without laughing at him dear god. the implication that legolas, who supposedly hated dwarves, shared a horse with gimli and then was a changed man is very funny though.

also, since im going off on a tangent anyways, i think mîm didnt do anything wrong and also thingol and the dwarven smiths were both at fault for the conflict. sorry for the dwarf bias but someone has to be on their side because i still see too many people hating on them

back to lotr: i think blond blue eyed legolas is boring, i hate what they did to elrond and boromir in the movies, i think saruman and sauron being basically brothers is a very funny interpretation that we should talk about more and i hateee almost all modern lotr aus because its hars to replicaze into modern world and also aragorn would NOT be a CEO!!!!!!!!!! a good king in tolkienverse is benevolent and puts his subjects first and he is a healer. (and this idolized king figure is, of course, not historically accurate) a CEO IS NOT THE MODERN EQUIVALENT TO THAT!!!!!!! modern aragorn either sells weed, is a nurse, or a mailman more i will not say on this matter. also i hate when modern aus cut everyones hair/beard. stop!!!!!! this reminds me of the one time i saw like a college au on pinterest and it was like. gimli and legolas are forced to be roommates and legolas is disgusted by gimli being sooo dirty… HELLO? you people exhaust me………… restraining myself to go on another gimli tirade because i feel like ive done that so much and all my followers will know whats up you guys get me right yeah yeah yeah

oh about legolas and gimli/mirkwood and erebor again, sorry im a one trick pony, i think that both thranduil & unnamed wife as well as gloin & unnamed wife love their kids too much to truly oppose them being together. gloin may be hotheaded but hes not stubborn enough to not ever back down, see the council of elrond: hes mad, rightfully so, to find out that a servant of mordor was apprentely treated better as a prisoner than thorin & company but seeing as the responsible party, thranduil, is not even there, and how theres very important business to discuss he quickly backs down and even bows to legolas as an apology!!!!

[„You were less tender to me,“ said Glóin with a flash of his eyes, as old memories were stirred of his imprisonment in the deep places of the Elven-king’s halls. „Now come!“ said Gandalf. „Pray, do not interrupt, my good Glóin. That was a regrettable misunderstanding, long set right. If all the grievances that stand between Elves and Dwarves are to be brought up here, we may as well abandon this Council.“ Glóin rose and bowed, and Legolas continued.]

i tried to find out if we know how long exactly the dwarves were imprisoned, and it seems it was about 20 days, while gollum was there for around 90 days, so perhaps they would have let the dwarves get some fresh hair eventually as well . not that gloin wasnt rightfully angry, he was! and still very gracious about it . love gloin hes great

also TRUE unpopular opinion incoming: im neutral on sam/frodo…its cute yes but i dont have any big thoughts about them and i think sam and rosie are very sweet :^) but also i dont trust people who completely dislike it esp cishets…. legolas and gimli are basically canon to me like they did that. okay ready for another TRUE AND REAL unpopular opinion. i think faramir is kind of boring and i dont care much for him, sorry ❤️‍🩹

ok i think im done for now!!! phew!! anon thank you again because this helped me pass like an hour of my very long train ride!!!! <3333

[chuuyagum]

forewarning to block the tag "honeys medical adventures" if you dont wanna see any of my ranting

anyway

im tired of not talking about this shit

i stopped being able to walk. i was fine and then one day i couldn't feel my fucking legs. that shouldnt happen to anyone. i wouldn't wish it on anyone. but i still kept trying to walk bc i convinced myself it would go away. and then i fell bc no shit! cant feel my fucking legs. and i ended up popping my knee out of place and spraining both ankles. but i couldn't get an appointment to see my doctor and i didnt wanna go to the er. and then the muscle spasms started. i was in so much pain that i hardly even remember how bad it was, i was in a really extreme disassociative episode through it all. like my body was trying to protect me from how traumatizing it was. i couldn't sleep, stand, sit. i just had to lay there in bed, screaming my lungs out every time i moved or something so much as grazed my skin. i was so hyper sensitive it was horrifying. i wanted them to cut my legs off at one point if it would end the pain. and i still had to force myself to walk anywhere i had to go bc i didnt have access to any other type of mobility. those days were so agonizing and horrifying. and my symptoms kept changing. pain in different places, different spasms, different tolerance to textures and temperatures. when i was finally sent to get an MRI i had to wait a month to be able to get an appointment. then i get there and they had scheduled it wrong so they turned me away and sent me home. one more month of waiting. then another to wait for results. then more invasive testing. if youve never needed a spinal tap i hope that day never comes. i felt like a piece of meat under a microscope every time i was handled by doctors and nurses. theres only so much kindness they can give when you're suffering so much but they cant take it away. i needed surgery somewhere in there too to get my gallbladder out. almost died as i was coming out of the operating room bc they fucked up and i suffocated. i finally saw a specialist who was able to tell me whats wrong with me. that this is how i have to live now. that its not something that can be fixed. i just have to learn to live with it. with losing my independence. ive hardly started my life and now its already been taken away from me. i started writing for the first time since i was 16 in there somewhere. drawing for the first time since i was 18. i dont have anything else. i cant work, cant go back to school. the medication they put me on is slowly starting to help. so is physical therapy. i have to learn to walk again. my wheelchair will be pink. im so tired. im gonna rely on someone to help me with daily tasks for the rest of my life. i cant even brush my teeth without help. im so tired. they put me on an antidepressant that supposedly helps manage pain. all it did was help me sleep. but it brought out the worst in me too. im tired.

[cafe-enchante]

ok now im curious about your thoughts on amnesia (・ω・｀) totally ok if you dont want to share though!!

This game is a whole can of worms for me and I actually had to spend some time figuring out how to answer this.

I'm on mobile (havent really had a chance to go home much due to some emergencies at my work keeping me there overnight) so I cant put this under a readmore but..

Also, before I go on my rant I would like to say that I think that the Amnesia series in general actually had some amazing ideas behind it and almost all of my criticism are actually addressed and answered in pretty satisfying ways in the sequel games that... sadly never got localized (which is sad, as I genuinely think they actually improved the games and made the first one less of a dumpster fire)

Also, I havent played the game in years so apologies if I make some mistakes (Ikki and Touya's routes are the ones I remember the best, and if I'm honest i had no desire to load up my vita and replay it)

Anyway,

CONTENT WARNING FOR ELEMENTS OF ABUSE, DOMESTIC ABUSE/VIOLENCE, AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE/ABUSE

Now, Amnesia is a game that in general is fairly controversial and I'm honestly surprised it is as popular as it is though I think this is attributed to the fact the western audience didnt have as many of the genre at the time of it's release and it was full of pretty boys so I think the game got away with a lot more than it deserved.

That said, as a whole I think the game generally glorifies, romantisizes, and fetishizes many forms of domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and manipulation with gaslighting and the general idea that in order to have a happy relationship you have to give up who you are as a person.

(As I said before, the sequel games deal with actually making the above claim not true but they were never localized so I'm only talking about Memories)

The general premise of the game is that the MC loses her memories thanks to a mistake by a magical being and has to hide the fact she has amnesia while also dealing with the hitches this causes in her current relationship.

Except not because for the most part almost every relationship reveals they were extremely toxic/unhealthy and were likely on the verge of a breakup before the MC lost her memory and prior personality go become a dimwit with no self preservation skills.

This pops up a lot in the routes but especially in Ikki, Kent, and Touya's routes. In Ikki it becomes increasingly clear that a lot of Ikki and the MC's relationship was based on a potential lie and due to his fanbase the MC goes through near constant harassment and is almost killed on a few occasions.

But Ikki cant cut those girls off because it would "be unfair". I also find playboy types like him in general to be annoying, but the fact girls basically throw themselves at him due to his magical eyes and it is quite clear he used this to his advantage at least at one point makes him hard to sympathize with, especially considering he is fully aware how fanatic his fanclub is but doesnt actuall support or help the MC until near the end of his route.

Kent has a solid idea behind him but his route was awful in Memories. Especially because it highlighted how much of an amazing personality the MC had before her amnesia and how the two couldnt properly communicate until she lost her memories and how he actually learns she has no memories and struggles with keeping things as they are or help her get better.

On paper this sounds like an amazing idea until you start to learn just how much the two fought (it's implied they did nothing BUT fight) and it is implied the MC was about to break up with him. It is very clear the two were very much not a good match and were trying to force a relationship that shouldn't have been going on and neither was actually happy until the plot started.

Touya's route is the one that gave me the most difficulty and by that I mean I actually couldn't finish his route.

I had to ask someone else to finish the route for me due to the nature of what happens and his is by far the route that made me hate this game and I had the most problems with outside the True Route (which I feels fetishizes mental illness and physical abuse, but I'm not going into that to deeply because I'd just be repeating what in about to say).

Touya's route is... bad. Now, please understand: I work in the medical field. I've met women and had to protect them from men like Touya whose love was just "to strong" that they needed to protect them. Men that drugged, gas lit, and trapped these poor girls until they mentally broke.

I'll never forget the one girl who couldn't take it anymore and took her own life when her boyfriend tried forcing himself into the clinic to get to her. I held her neck closed with a towel until the doctor got to the room but she ended up passing during surgery.

For me, Touya's Route was seeing what that girl went through. It was a constant reminder of what all those girls that came to the clinic went through. This route made me sick to my stomach and like I said I had to have someone else finish it for me. It didnt help when I saw his bad end and realized he basically turned the MC into a drugged up sex doll which is something that happened to a woman in my area when I was twelve (only reason she was found was because her boyfriend got arrested for something and asked if a police officer could go feed his 'dog'. He didnt even see her as a person anymore)

A lot of the romance in this game was like that, but it was most prominent in this route. The red flags for abuse, the constant "they just feel to strongly" or idea that the Protagonist's former personality was the primary issue.

I think the only route I was generally ok with and kind of liked was Shin's I think.

[nightlyshades]

hi guys!!! i dont know if this post will reach anyone BUT! im so sorry for the inacitivity of this blog. but i hit 500!!! followers a little while ago so i decided to write this. it’ll be a bit of a rant, and im on mobile so i cant put it under the cut sorry!!! just really anxious to get this out. but ill try to explain why i havent posted.

one of the more easier explained reasons is just that i started uni and its hard to find the time. but the biggest reason is that as of lately- whenever i did have the time, i weirded myself out with the thought of writing about real people. i have written fluffy shots on my other blog, but this thought seems to affect my smut writing more. so i think it’s just the «issue» (pls dont get me wrong) of sexualizing people that just happens to be public. but i havent posted any writing on my other blog as well, so maybe it runs deeper?? i honestly dont know:((

i hope no one takes offense to this, because i admire so many people that writes fanfic, including mature themes, and i still read it myself. so!! i wanted to make this post to ask if anyone wants to send an ask or a message, sharing your own perspective??? im really interested to see what you think of smut or fanfic in general.

so granted.. i dont know when my next shot will be up or even at all. but thank you to everyone that reads whatever ive posted so far.

[disasterpurplebois]

Found out that my dance teacher joined the Air Force and has left the dance studio I go to. They’re having a “going-away zoom hangout” on Friday but I’ll be working so I can’t attend. He also deleted all his company-issued social media pages so I can’t contact him. The best I could do was send an email to the studio and ask them to forward it.

I wasn’t really sure what to say so I was just like “I hope this helps you achieve your goals, thanks for being an influential part of my life. Good luck and stay safe.” So I hope that was ok, I don’t really know anyone in the armed forces so I wasn’t sure what the vibe was.

And I haven’t spoken to him since quarantine so idk if this like a happy thing or something he had to do. I didn’t want to be like “congratulations” if it wasn’t a good thing, you know?

I also have mixed feelings about the armed forces in the first place so I really was just torn about what to say.

I’m also kind of upset, tho I know I shouldn’t be because it’s not that deep - but I always thought, even tho I pay him for lessons (I try not to think of it as paying him to hang out with me but that’s kinda what it is) that we had a real connection as friends. I wasn’t his first student, but I am definitely the one he’s had the longest since I started dancing about 2 months after he started teaching. We always spent a lot of our lesson talking about current movies and tv etc so I’m just a little bit upset that he didn’t reach out in any way and tell me that he was leaving.

So I guess I’m upset because I thought we were friends, I thought maybe I meant something to him, being a part of each other’s lives so much. He def affected my life so much, I was in such a dark place when I started at the studio. I guess it was all one-sided, just a teacher-student relationship to him. I wish him all the best regardless.

Just disappointed that something that meant so much to me apparently didn’t mean shit to him

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

[dennis-rodman-stan]

hey

guess who is probably the only person who enjoys slugterra

its me

and i just watched the movie so i have a rant about it bc i like to criticize the things i enjoy now i guess

i realize that majority of my followers are either here for the ninjago shit i consistenly reblog/post or are just my friend and followed me for no reason other than that fact but im gonna veer off track just this once bc this is my blog and i can do whatever i want

so i think theres actually two slugterra movies? but im gonna be talking about into the shadows

the entired plot was v v v v v v v similar to the whole twist thing they did?

and when they first introduced tad i was like "holy shit he is so good and this new slug is adorable i hope he isnt evil...wait they already did thay with twist they wouldnt do that again"

but then they did?????????? what the fuck why would they think thats a good idea

i realize that writers tend to be reluctant to add new characters to the main cast but he would have been a really good addition!!!! he was quirky and from the surface??? so we could have had eli and tad bonding moments???

and better yet they could have kept tad as blakk's son and maybe he was like "oh yeah my dad is dr. blakk he said he was a technical genius!! what did he do for slugterra???? i bet it was awesome???" and the shane gang is like oh honey no,,,, your dad is an asshole

the entire plot of the movie could have been like hey you dont have to be like your family

that was my biggest thing against the movie

my smaller things were things like:

1. when the fuck did blakk have a kid? we got that blakk backstory episode and it never said anything about a kid

2. if blakk did have a kid but never mentioned it in the backstory ep (which is understandable that he didnt mention it but he did overshare a lot of stuff and a kid isnt a thing you just forget to add) how the FUCK did tad get to the surface??????????? did blakk know about the surface?????????????? what the fuck?????????????????????

3. why did you have to only bring back the tough guys you could have had an ultimate bad guy fight??? (honestly i just want saturday back bc he is one of those bad guys who is bad but on a much lower scale bc its for personal gain. and saturday didnt really want much he was like "hey get me a smoothie" and not "im taking over the world")

i think thats it

im so sorry that i cant do that weird under the cut thing im on mobile?? and i dont know how even if you can so,,, it would have saved you a lot of scrolling

[jeonsgyeon-moved]

im on mobile so i cant make this under the cut but. now that my ex stepdad is gone.....i won't feel uncomfortable in the house i live in anymore. anyways idk whats happening but we're moving out soon and we're grabbing our stuff. my aunty is coming down in the morning . this sucks so much like im worried for mum but im so relieved? even if it means i see my ex stepsiblings less now he's out of my life and im so glad. he was so wrong for us. he was disgusting and opinionated and yes, he is mentally ill, but its no excuse to go around calling young children a 'cunt' and grabbing you and shit . erm idk where this is going but i just need to rant because the past couplw of days,,,... wow. mum cut off a 3 year relationship in one go and now we have a restraining order against him. i have to go to the police and make a statement at 3:00pm its so weird im just. it feels surreal???? i dont . anyway idk what im saying but i feel like it will be okay in time we dont have a house but i still have a job and mum gets paid well and i dont lnow what the future will bring but its going to be okay