#im not worthy

[letteriwillneversend]

sometime i wonder what it will be like when you meet God. will He be kind? authoritative? intimidating? larger than life? will He be like that fable of the spirit with a thousand faces - each as unpredictable and firmly etched as the next?

i imagine what it might be like if i were to get to meet Him. 

in my mind, i meet God in the field at the end of Everything. my body feels light and heavy all at once. 

i don’t know how that’s possible, but of course, it is.

when i meet Him, i’m not sure what to say. is there a proper greeting you’re supposed to say when you talk to the Creator of Everything? somehow, a simple hello or hey feels improper.

He knows how little i understand, and so He speaks first. His voice is definitely of someone All-Knowing and All Powerful. this deity has seen my every mistake and every failing and every lie and every cheat and every shortcut and every insult. he’s seen me in my infancy when i was nothing and in my younger years with sticky fingers and in my teen years with a sharp tongue. only He knows how hard my heart is, because He is the one created it. He alone can see through the flesh and blood and tissue and bone and straight into my heart and see what i truly am - just. human.

He asks me what my purpose was. the question catches me off guard - i figured if anything, isn’t God supposed to know the answer to that one? but He waits patiently, like He has all the time in the universe. of course, He does.

my answer is a guess at best - it feels like i have no right to be confident in what i say here. after all, who am i to know?

He asks if i know who He is. i nod, and He acknowledges it. He asks more questions - not inquisitive or interrogative or curious, but there’s a rhythm to the questions that’s thoughtful.

what i believed. who i believed. what i did. who i was. these questions are to be expected, but i still answer them with less confidence than i had hoped to have had. i feel ill-prepared and embarrassingly awkward.

His next question is unexpected, and there is a full beat before my mind begins to process it.

“Were you kind?”

“What?”

“Were you kind? Did you treat my Creation with gentility? Were you merciful to those weaker than you, and patient with those stronger?

Were you kind?”

something about the question makes my lip start to tremble and my vision start to blur. i try to will it to stop, to steady my voice, but it escapes me. in the back of my mind i think that i must look quite tiny like this, like a pudgy toddler gripping at your pant leg, small and earnest and vulnerable and perhaps, weak.

“I don’t know. But I know that I tried. 

And I really did try.”

my voice wobbles more than i want it to. and just when i think i have it controlled, that the vulnerability has passed and the face i’ve worn all my life is back in place, the strangest thing happens.

a feeling of understanding fills me up and surrounds me all at once. God does not have a face, because he is not you or i, so naturally He has no facial expression. but something about the feeling filling me up like water on a sinking boat tells me that He understands.

He knows.

i had learned at a very young age that God is always watching - that He would know if i cheated on a test or tripped my friend in the schoolyard or gave my brother the infinitesimally smaller half of the chocolate bar. God sees everything. He Knows.

but it takes this moment for it to click into understanding for me. God sees everything. He knows. the knowledge of that hits me like a weight into my chest and knocks the air out of my lungs. it’s unnerving and unfamiliar and all encompassing. He knows all of it - He saw every time i picked my nose and everytime i told a white lie and everytime i prayed without thinking and everytime i was too lazy to study and everytime i disappointed someone in my life and everytime i knew better still chose wrong. He saw everytime i lied and everytime i swore and everytime i shot someone a dirty look when i thought they wouldn’t notice or everytime i broke a promise and everytime i let someone down. He knew everytime i thought something horrible or looked at something i shouldn’t have or everytime i eavesdropped or everytime i forgot to ask the cashier how their day went because i was in a rush. this is a terrifying realization.

yet somehow, the next realization is what scares me more. He saw everytime i blinked back tears and everytime i begrudgingly swallowed poison in my words and everytime i put on strength like an armor and everytime i wanted to yell until i couldn’t anymore. He saw every time i was too tired to cry and everytime i chose to be warm simply because i could and everytime i made someone laugh and every time i let someone borrow my pen even though it’s my favorite and everytime i sat with someone eating alone and everytime i complimented a stranger just to make them smile and even everytime i gave my brother the infinitesimally larger half of a chocolate bar.

something passes, and something stills. a new feeling washes over me - something so unfamiliar, but so welcome. i cannot tell you how it feels without it being a disservice, but i will try anyway.

it feels like… something. it feels like returning home from war and having your weariness lifted away. it feels like trying your favorite childhood treat and having it taste exactly as you remembered it. it feels like waking up on your birthday and having it feel special. it feels like returning home after a long day to a warm, home-cooked meal and eating it with someone you love. it feels like being hugged so you’re never the first to let go. it feels like sitting down after you’ve been standing for so long; like being exhausted and then settling into a made bed where the sheets are soft and the comforter is crisp and the pillows are cool and the mattress pulls you in and dissolves your restlessness. it feels like finding you have exactly the right amount of money in your bank account. it feels like the warmth of your favorite mug after you’ve just enjoyed a hot drink in it.

it feels like how i imagine it feels to return home after the longest day ever and put your head in the lap of a loving mother, who doesn’t need to ask anything as she softly brushes her fingers through your hair over and over and over again.

in my mind, God understands. He knows.

[notreallyworthreading]

Let's be real here. There are so many talented as fuck people here. Even if I don't understand what the hell you posted, it's all so creative my ears bleed.

[alphabetboyluvr]

Not an ask, but I just wanted to tell you how much I adore your writing style. Seriously you have no idea. I love your stories so much! And I’m especially attached to CV and BD. They help me so much when I’m down. Thank you for your hard work and for being so sweet to us readers ❤️

🥹🥹 this is so very lovely, thank you so much!! Happy I can help in some way <33

[goldenmorningglory]

i have begun

[kushami-hime]

i just listened to your double trouble wav with the script open and it was AMAZING like having captions on!!! going to leave a huge compliment in my reblog later but wanted to let you know that your google drive adds a whole new and advanced element to the experience!! you're a TREASURE

THANK YOU ;o;!! Im really sorry for responding so late, my ask box is covered in dust rn cause this summer has been so busy irl but its times like these that remind me of what I do and why I do it ;u;!!!

[tsuunytsuun]

WE'RE ALMOST AT 50 FOLLOWERS :O

THAT'S HALF OF 100 AAAAAAAAAA I DONT DESERVE THISSSSS T0T

[msdrpreist]

.

[sui-imi]

Funeral, right

---

been seeing some discussion about canon/fanon sans re: papyrus' death, and then i thought, unrelatedly, "hey i wonder what he did with the dust"

[thehumanmoon]

I am not worthy

I am not worthy of some one as pure as you.

I do not deserve the love you slather me with.

You deserve more than someones hand-me-down broken doll that has been mangled up and left to rot.

You deserve more than a person who can only give you the good scraps of their soul.

You deserve someone who actually can give you their full heart and not the dying resentful one I carry.

You need someone who can give you their all and mean it.

I love you but I'M not worthy

-The Human Moon

[late-for-the-sky]

I'm glad I stayed alive long enough to meet you.

♡

[melmoonbow]

Im a huge star gazer, been my whole life. Fall is my favorite time as all my personal favorite constellations show themselves. Astrological signs and astronomical are connected. Stars guide us home for a reason. As the leaves change, so do we! 🌠🌟🍁

[dampflower]

I dont deserve him

[sorrowfulrosebud]

Hello??? HELLO???? THE SCREAM I NEARLY SCRUMPT, YOU GUYS ARE SOME OF MY WRITING IDOLS AKSJDIJRJTJTT

Brb my soul is ascending and I’m crying internally

[idtakeashotforpizza]

[stellaclaw]

boiling hot take but i literally dont give a fuck that mapleshade let the clan believe her kits were birchfaces. her clanmates can be mad but exiling a queen and her kits is fucking deranged i dont care what lie she told. “she deserved what she got” her kids deserved to die because their mom fibbed??😭 her kids deserved to die because their mom did crimes LATER???😭😭 “um but she chose to cross the river” if i was orpheus i would simply not turn around.

[tsuunytsuun]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

@candydragonx DUUUUDE- I LOVE UR NINJAGO ART?!

IM NOT WORTHY?!?!?!