#im not even pretending to be impartial

[i-identify-tanks-in-posts]

Tank Man, official Leo 2A8 renders dropped!

https://x.com/ryszardjonski/status/1801657378506510669

https://esut.de/2024/06/fachbeitraege/50591/kampfpanzer-leopard-2-faehigkeitsforderungen-und-systembestimmende-randbedingungen/

Fuck yeah, just look at it.

That's a fucking sci-fi tank right there. The Leo 2A8 is coming from the future to blow you a new asshole.

Fuck yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

[ritzcuit]

it's no secret that i am a massive fan of spirit of justice, except more specifically, i am a massive fan of datz are'bal, and More specifically, i'm a fan of datz's relationship with dhurke, which i widely have to extrapolate from context clues bc this game hates me. so i often reread the transcripts, of 6-3 and 6-5, to reflect upon the nature of datz are'bal.

well... the way he talks abt dhurke drives me crazy mostly. and i wanted to compile all the freak moments where he yaps about dhurke and the kids. Plus some random extra bits... think of it like a dhurkedatz manifesto, if you want

screenshots using the ace attorney wikia transcript. soj spoilers ahead. Obviously

we have to start midway through the third case, 'cause up until this point datz had brain damage. anyway "brother in arms" gay. "just like you!" gay. Ok not that gay. but it demonstrates datz's entire purpose for being in this game, "im going to tell you about dhurke sahdmadhi in great detail"

oh god It's starting. this is from inspecting the board of photos in the defiant dragons' office.. sorry i forgot datz's other purpose for being in this game, "i'm going to tell you about dhurke sahdmadhi's kids in great detail." i cant. hes so. endlknfgdf

just all this yapping for no reason. it's like a guy showing you photos of his kids in his wallet. Yeah he went to school to study revolution^_^ being close enough to that family to know how much yuty looked up to dhurke is so... to know yuty's motivations... why do you know all this, datz?! do you think he would help yuty study for law school 🥺well dhurke definitely did too, but like...what if both of them helped 🥺

"dhurke's been beside himself" as if datz didn't just wistfully reminisce about how yuty used to be the pride of the dragons. you are NOT an impartial party my man! "we all thought! we were sure...!" it makes me wonder how many other rebels would know that dhurke was torn up over losing his son like this. he puts on a strong face, right, like everyone in ace attorney... but datz is at least close enough to see him struggling with it. like come awn

just more yapping. mind you, datz is currently pretending to be abandoning the revolution right now (though you probably can interact with this afterwards, when he gives up on that). but still. pov you went to a defector to get info on the defiant dragons, but all he's doing is talking about their leader's sons for no damn reason

BC IT'S THE LIKE. EAGERNESS. THAT GETS ME. he knew those kids and by god he is going to tell you about them 😭

inspecting the old sign........... it brings to mind a datz who used to hang around in dhurke's old office with him, like maya does phoenix, just being in his business for no good reason. young 20 somethings with the whole world open to them. "this place has seen better days" and i know damn well datz was seeing them too! Gay

talking to datz directly, this is under "dhurke the attorney" and the fanboying Begins in earnest. again, theoretically, he is pretending to defect from the dragons right now. it's like he was fucking vibrating waiting for phoenix to ask him about his best friend. "he was a force to be reckoned with! he was a juggernaut, as mighty as a dragon!" YOU! ARE! GAY! just geeking out over how cool dhurke was for NO REASON

STOP

Like i cannot express how much of a fucking geek he sounds like right here. "oh i'm defecting from the dragons cus dhurke is a traitorous snake. Anyway he's SO FUCKING COOL :)" he literally sounds awestruck. He would never surrender... sparkling eyes... EW

while breaking datz's psyche locks. gay

i dont even have anything to say. "that look in your eyes... it's just like dhurke's" Yeah i bet you pay attention to what dhurke's eye looks like you little freak. i bet dhurke said something rly cool in court one time and you fell in love with him then and there. Ewwwww Throws hammers. also i just like these lines it's very badass of him. datz said ok ill die for the dragons idgaf and phoenix said IGAF VERY MUCH PERSONALLY I LOVE NOT DYING

pff

later on, after all topics were cleared, datz exposition dumps some more. nothing actually that interesting but "dhurke was framed, i'm telling ya!" is sooo cute to me. it makes me wonder how many rebels do still think dhurke's guilty, but are critical of the ga'ranian regime for other reasons. probably a lot, right? thinking about datz defending dhurke's innocence to other dragons, but then dhurke's like... datz it's fine if they think i'm guilty, so long as they still agree with our cause. it isn't about me it's about the greater good of khura'in. and datz is like. OK BUT THEY'RE STILL WRONG THOUGH 😭😭

"it's like dhurke used to say" fanboy. there's no other words for it

"fangs of the defiant dragons" is an interesting thing. datz calls himself that thrice (once during the trial after he regains his memory and once later on in 6-5). i don't know what it means. LOL i even made my friend who knows japanese hunt down the original line to try and understand it, and we got nothing bc it's basically identical. it gives off the impression that He's Him, tm, he's The Guy, who does shit.. which isn't actually very dhurkedatz, but it's dhurkedatz to me. so much of dhurke IS the revolution, and the dragons. their entire relationship is through the revolution and the dragons. so it stands to reason that if datz is important to the dragons, then he's important to...?well you know

like the defiant dragon bites down and doesnt let go. it needs fangs to bite, of course.......oh the crucial datz...crying

that's basically it for 6-3, except the very end-

aw. theyre hanging out :)

cutting to 6-5 because 6-4 has nothing for us. i have dreams that 6-4 actually has datz in it somewhere and i just never checked, because there's something wrong with me

datz isn't here yet.. this is from inspecting charley, obvs. who's "we" though. you know who we is? it's datz. now. to me. it's dhurke and datz. they lost aj and then yuty ok let them have their cactus. This could also just be a lie ENDFKLNGDF But its too easy to imagine datz getting a cactus and being like "it's like aj! 'cause of it's spines!" and dhurke is Just enough of a sad lonely old man to keep it around. until it like dies i guess rip apollo

talking to dhurke under "request" gives us this. My Compatriot. god made them compatriots bc they would be unstoppable as canon lovers. my compatriot. i should smack u. THATS UR FANGS IDIOT -_- Anyway it's clear from how much datz yaps abt him, but it's nice to have confirmation that apollo remembers him too :) running around him... maybe its "running around with him"? i wouldnt know. but still...so cute..what if i cried rightnow

a whole bunch of nothing bc they're keen on hiding him from me. this is ages later while inspecting the suitcase in archie buff's house. dhurke...thats ur knucklehead...

apollo remembering enough about datz to make fun of him *wiping tear from eye*im so happy *sniffling*

talking to paul atishon, who does not matter. dhurke... hes your buffoon....

but don't worry. he's here. it's datz. everyone get excited. it's time for The Scene, of which i have actual screenshots

this is my "intellectual attraction" this is my "unnecessary feelings" my "her respect as a coworker wasn't all i wanted" orhowever that shit goes. Dhurke! You're a sight for sore eyes! it's so nothing compared to those other three, but i can't help it. I love it so much.....

i love datz being such a freak who can't calm down for 5 minutes. i love dhurke being so understated here. its so funny. he said girl calm down it's just me 😭 and datz's stupid big ass smile once he realizes it's oomf.. i knew you'd come save me!

it's worth noting that in jp, according to my friend who knows these sorts of things, "you're a sight for sore eyes" is just "My partner!" with partner being aibou, which is also used for phoenix/edgeworth, klavier/daryan, and asougi/ryuunosuke. It's too much...datz likes him so bad. get a ROOM!

theyre both so weird

if you present the founder's orb transfer agreement, you get this exchange. please...the banter. i wish we got 50000p more pages of this.

Anyway um it turns out i hit image limit ...smiles cheekily...i could replace the sight for sore eyes pics with one screenshot, but i wont, bc its that important To Me. well. ill continue this in a part 2 because there is still plenty more to be seen

[incorrectskyrimquotes]

im not even going to pretend to be impartial lmfao vote for ralof

[barbarianiswriting]

sometimes i just gotta judge people and how they interact with books. if big words scare you, learn them. if long paragraphs upsets you, find a different copy with better accessibility or read the auidobook.

and because of how simplified our language, especially the written word, has gotten, any books who use verbose exploration of the language often get sidelined. or, on the other hand, you do get pretentious motherfuckers wanting to use something to sound smart (which then perpetuates the whole "god, big words or complex phrases are so stupid, why didnt you just say x"). its just all so stupid.

with the literacy declining as it has been for generations (some being an institutionalized problem with schools and how they teach kids to read, some being a societal and media problem, and some being an apathy problem. deadly cocktail and all that), we need better books to be talked about and read more- because writers are still writing them ! ones that use "big" words appropriately and without an air of pretentiousness, more complex characters and themes. we need to step away from content and have stories be stories again. real, living and breathing stories.

and im not saying everything has to be a rich and complex stories- i love my easy and schlocky horror, people deserve their soft romances or their written porn, we all want cozy mysteries. its just i think theres been a shift in whats prioritized. and no longer are these comforts just that- comforts. theyre expected to be churned out at a ridiculous pace that leaves no room for any care or personal connections. so even our easy stories, the ones that wed go to for peace and quiet, are impersonal and a bit cold, even. hollow and meant only to be read once- maybe twice- before being shelved. the only accomplished is having has read it at all and added another book to your growing shelf. the prize isnt the story, its the number of how many youve read.

and sure, maybe i do have a pretentious streak, maybe im talking out of my fucking ass. i get that. ive never wanted to pretend my viewpoint is impartial. its not, that much is obvious. but all of it is something i think about a lot.

its just. language, writing, conversation- its all an art and people are using it like some cheap pony trick. *mishandling it. cutting it up and hollowing it out as to digest better.

*but then again- is there even such a thing as mishandling art? can someone, with the ability to write (in any capacity, doesnt have to be good), mishandle words itself? no, i dont fundamentally believe so. because i dont think any of this is an individual problem, rather an industry problem. much like how a sequel or a remake to a popular movie feels like a cash grab. these things typically arent made because the artists (writers, directors, filmmakers) want to make them. theyre told to. and even in cases where they werent told to- i believe its commonly (not always) easy to see when someone made something for the money or for the passion. thats where i think the problem really lies. and i believe because those kind of products are typically easier to consume (as theyre directly made soley to be consumed, not thought about), the audiences want more of them. and so more are churned out. i dont think the corruption lies with the consumer but rather the capitalism that infects all art mixed with the decline in ardent love for literature (and, of course, literacy)

[covntcovntessa]

"I get why he acts the way he does sometimes." ofc you get, the bar here is low and everybody got stuck in 2016!

What is this "Ship is an alien weapon" all over again????? The show is about a kid using an alien weapon and Ship literally protects Julie when Ben cant!

"capable of amazing and terrifying things and being in Bens line of work I understand why he would only see it as that, Hell even both kevin and gwen acknowledge that ship is dangerous" Exactly. Another reason to KEEP the canine tripod close enough so they can control, train, teach or contain him!!!

We saw that Ship in Baz-l's hands was about to be the real danger, meanwhile: Ship with Julie was to Dangerous as he was to Convenient or are we pretending that they didn't take advantage of the bond Julie established with Ship to use him in in plenty of missions, now???

It was literally safer and better with Julie than with anybody else.

And my brother in christ even Ben ignored the Forever Knights on Dupped so he could watch a movie -.-

We didnt overlook anything, he forgot he was a hero as well and thats on him - not on julie, ship or gwen - quit with that "responsable hero" excuse, its 2023!

The rest of this rant its also bullshit AT LEAST and thats why we can tell that its just another ben 10 average fan making up for his poor meow meow protagonist because its never about their actions, its about feelings and identification to justify the clownery...

I mean, seeing the very same "Dupped" shit of argument being recycled over and over again its... something.

The "we might break up as well" thing its also dumb. He had free time to spend, a little, but enough to hang out with Jennifer Nocturne - so she started to feel lonely and realized that they werent going to work... its that a problem? No. Yall overreacted motivated by the harshness of Gwen and Kevin's attitude towards him - Julie was cool tho, she was worried about ship. So was it undeserved? Not at all. He took out a personal frustration on a civilian who was warning about something out of the ordinary over a message..."but he was upset" - If you really believe what you say when you try to defend Ben's conduct as a professional hero, then this moment here would be open to criticism and not Julie's message. Using Ben's routine as a justification for impartiality doesn't mesh very well with the poor guy persona, he's either responsible or he's not.

The strange thing is: he didn't seem upset in the previous episode as he was busy trying to kiss Eunice. Gwen and Kevin were there too. Also - she reached to him to ask for help (glad she did cause baz-l had bad ideas.) - and not to resume.

He refused, she left and Gwen came...thats it!

And heres comes the fandom with the "Hero Life" card again, however, whose initiative to resume was it? Yeah... from him.

If Julie's companionship demands were a problem and if it was so difficult to reconcile heroism with romance, why did he insisted? And had the NERVE to say he would try to be better?

Julie was not the only one being stupid at this point, im sorry, but Ben also did not made up his mind until that ep from OV. So what are we overlooking???

Was the burden of being a hero REALLY the problem??? t's not like we haven't already seen that he had opportunities to share his struggles with her.

She tried to help when Big Chill started having symptoms;

Managed to contain Ship when he was captured;

Helped during the Highbreed invasion;

Saved his life the TWO times Elena filled his lung with nanites;

Was the first person he went to when Sander cut his hand off;

And encouraged him to stand up to people at school while making sure he didn't feel alone (in Fame)

There is no justification for his behavior or infidelity and I'm afraid the super upper dupper master hero 1000000™ card needs to go down because it doesn't make sense.

To be fair, Julie fucked up REAL bad in one episode and Ben actually got shit undeserved. She embarrassed me fr, but it wasnt even one of those that people keep nagging about. It was in The Flame Keepers' Circle....

And even then she apologized, i cant-

I feel like alot of us in the Ben10 fandom talk about how much of a bad boyfriend Ben is and I'm not saying he isn't but I feel like we overlook how much being Ben10 fucks with Ben to the point where I get why he acts the way he does sometimes.

Like first off the whole thing With Julie and Ship. Ship is an alien weapon capable of amazing and terrifying things and being in Bens line of work I understand why he would only see it as that, Hell even both kevin and gwen acknowledge that ship is dangerous. And Julie's insistance on expecting Ben to treat ship like just another ordinary house pet really doesn't make sense.

Like her asking Gwen if Ben would care about ship if he was just an ordinary house pet is a really dumb question when you consider that the main reason she gets into all these dangerous situations is because Ship ISN'T a normal housepet. Like the vreedles/the forever knights would have no use for an ordinary earth animal and if they did of course Ben would go out of his way to save her pet.

There are also moments when i feel like everyone except ben forgets that he's a hero.. Gwen telling ben that he should've just left the forever knights alone cuz they're not a threat in order to be on time for julies tennis game is kind of irresponsible?? Especially when u think of all the wild shit the forever knights end up doing later on in UA. Like yeah atp they are fodder and shouldn't be taken 100% seriousl but Ben's just supposed to ignore them breaking into a bank?.Even in OV we see that Ben just can't really ignore crime even in dimension 23.

Julie being bummed that ben has to run off to do hero shit is understandable and yes her feelings are truly validated but then holding it against him like he's doing it on purpose is kinda fucked up.

Also wtf does "we might as well be broken up mean?" Because I'd take that to mean that we are broken up.

Was ben a dick in the way he acted? ofc he was, was ben at fault for a good chunk of the issues in the relationship? You bet! But they're really moments when it feels like ben is getting shit on undeserved.

Me personally i feel like if ben were to have a steady relationship of sorts it wouldn't be with a regular civilian like julie it would be with someone who is either part alien or someone who's into the whole plumber,hero thing my first pick would be Ester but Kai is ok,just wish they gave her more development.

[prettyboykatsuki]

gojo satoru believes in fairness above justice.

the reason for this is the simple fact that fairness is impartial and justice isn’t.

gojo likes to treat the people in life fairly. he’s prone to a little favoritism but among his students and the few in his circle that he considers close, he tries to play fair.

it’s hard to believe since everything about him is so… out there. between nobara and itadori and fushiguro though, he tries his best to be impartial. and if megumi were a different kind of person, he’d probably think that’s unjust.

but that’s just how gojo is. being that overpowered, and treated the way he is - sometimes he figures it’s better to lead by example. if he were to use all his power to extend some kind of divine justice, he figures he’d be like the rest of the bozos in his field.

he tries his best to be… impartial to things. he doesn’t really show many emotions, not really. he doesn’t think he’s felt that many lately, but he smiles and laughs and acts like everything is okay even when he knows how things are. gojo believes that indifference is an unfair way to approach life, and maybe if he knew that sooner, he could’ve saved his highschool friend.

maybe then fushiguro would smile more if he could explain all this to him.

it’s fine. it’ll work out, or it won’t. either way, things will have to keep going.

one thing gojo has learned is that you are the most unfair person he’s ever met. so completely and utterly unfair gojo can hardly stand it

you’re a sorcerer, so he should probably treat you more fairly. he should probably take you on more missions and let you help him with work instead of insisting you should stay back. and he probably shouldn’t rush to your aid when you’re close to danger (which he pretends he didn’t do, every time)

but you’re unfair, plain and simple. that little laugh you do with your brow arched up and your lips a little parted - the one that makes you look a painting in a museum. the one that comes before your voice, temperate and warm, when you call his name

“satoru? you okay?”

what an inane question, but you always ask it. always mean it. always cock your head to one side with wide-eyed curiosity, so bright it could outshine the sun. even when you know he’s gonna give you the same answer. gonna give you the same, gojo satoru “better now that im seeing you” comment that always makes you flush

nothing about you is fair. not the way you let him rest his head in your lap, fingers sliding underneath his eye-mask until big blue eyes are blinking softly at you. what could be fair about how you looks so surprise, so shy as you brush his hair out of his gaze and asking him how he’s feeling. if he’s fine.

how could it be fair when you smile..? after he’s told you he’s okay and you smile like you’re elated that he’s fine. like you’re just happy he’s okay and you smile with all of your teeth. nothing is fair about the way you fluster under his gaze, or how your lips fall into a soft pout that makes him want to kiss you so fucking bad, or about the way you look like a dream he doesn’t want to wake up from.

gojo satoru likes to treat people fairly m, but he can’t with you. can’t help but want to tease you until you bubble up with frustration - is it wrong to want to be unjust to you? something about you just screams at him to play with you a little longer, let his hands linger too long on your waist.

gojo satoru can’t help but want to treat you unfairly. can’t help his desire to be unjust to you. after all, it’s your fault he’s like this anyway. why he’s dragged you away from your students and his and kisses you in some hallway away from the rest of the world. and his lips are soft and chapped and you melt into it - do that soft little whimper that breaks him out into a grin.

you whine when he stops, when he pulls back to look at you as brushes his nose with yours before kissing you again. once, then twice, then one more time until you break away with your hands on his chest.

“satoru, we’re in class!” you’ll tell him and you’ve got the sweetest frustration in your eyes. he never gets tired of it. his hands hold your hips and you frown at him.

“5 minutes,”

“you’re impossible,”

and maybe he is but it’s your fault for enticing him all day with that shirt that buttons just a little too low and for being so cute when he stares. whenever he shows interest in you and you fold like a little paper crane. he hums and kisses you.

“maybe,”

but he is. he can’t help but be. he supposes you’ll have to forgive him. he can’t bear to be anything but fair to you

[insecxreasalwqys]

Every time i re-read the manga, i always get so sad when reading k of diamonds. If someone would ask me what my favorite scene from the whole manga was, it would be that. It was a big part of Chishiya’s character growth, and showed that kuzuryu was a good person, deep down, even though he chose to stay. Kuzuryu believed in something, believed that all lives were created equal, he believed that, and died because of it. He died thanking chishiya for letting kuzuryu live the life he wanted to live. A life of impartiality. Like, bro, thats deep. He was someone that i believe chishiya was inspired by. He said he wanted to be a better person, because people in borderland surprisingly were, and envied the, all. Especially Kuzuryu. He wanted to be like them, to be kind, to be caring, and empathetic. To show people the care his parents never gave him. I wish you could remember the borderlands, and i wish chishiya never forgot kuzuryu. When nobody necessarily ever put up with chishiya, kuzuryu did. Im not saying not putting up with chishiya  was wrong. If someone around me had betrayed my friend or me, than i would act like that. If someone put on a face of pride (even if he really wasnt prideful, which people didnt know) and acted better than everyone else, than yeah. But kuzuryu tried to see the best in everyone (without being bias, and without pretending someone was better than they were) Thats what was amazing about him. I feel like kuzuryu had a feeling, that chishiya had a rough childhood. He never justified chishiyas horrible deeds, though. He was the opposite of chishiya. Kuzuryu was impartial, kind (in some way), and would make a sacrifice with no second thought if it was for his ideal. Well, that was kinda a lie, as he faltered when it came to chishiya, but i feel as if it was because he wasnt too sure what letting chishiya live would bring. If the point and benefit was clear, he would do it. My favorite game by far.

[iphoenixrising]

If it's not a problem I would like to see what happens when omega Tim safe words out?

I just so in love with how you wrote him and I know you've a thing with Dr Tim and safe words but I would really appreciate if you'll give me this with omega Tim

Have a great day/night

Babe asked for O!Tim safe wording out. Taking into account how much he’s been able to take so far in my fics, then it’s apparently going to be truly something for him to safe word, right?

….or is this just another excuse to have AAANNNNNGGGGGGSSSSSSSTTTTTT.

(I regret nothing, but, well, you might, babe :D :D)

**

It was just supposed to be Pack support. Just the Bats realizing they had an Omega in their ranks, an Omega who had been more on the outskirts than part of the inner circle, an Omega who had been walking a long road alone. Just the Dick and Jay trying to be good Alphas and take care of him. Just giving in to those crazy instincts.

It was never supposed to hurt. It was never supposed to break him. Not like the first time when he was essentially kicked out of the Pack, when his cape was pulled out from under him, and his place became a question mark instead of a given. (Falling from Wayne Towers because Ra’s is such a douce canoe, he’d been beaten to fuck, blood loss and a real concussion to blame when he wondered if they’d bother putting up a case with his suit, if he even mattered that much to Dick, if he ever really did…)

When he presented, when he didn’t have a hint of a Pack scent, It had taken an embarrassingly long time to feel like he could get anywhere near the city. Long after he’d sent Bruce back home, telling him everything with sparse details, why there wasn’t an R on his shoulder, why he couldn’t be Batman’s sidekick anymore. He’d left all the pain locked in his chest, keeping himself as impartial as possible to deliver the hard facts, ignoring the whimpering, cowering Omega in the depths of him crying out for someone, anyone to want him, need him, keep him.

Working his way back in hadn’t been easy. Keeping his presentation under wraps with scent blockers and suppressants hadn’t been either, but there was no way in hell he was going to let something like the fact he was an Omega be the reason they wanted him back. Fuck, no.

But it happened anyway. Slowly but surely, O called him more often about cases, wanted to know if he had any helpful intel. B dropped by the Tower, more than once, to seek him out, told him how buggy the Batcomputer must be this point, but he wouldn’t really know, Tim, because you always handled that, didn’t you? Dick tentatively showed up in one of his safe houses while he riding an undercover stint, pizza and terrible B sci-fi flicks, looked crushed when Tim closed the door on him by sheer self-preservation instinct.  Jason Todd showed up to fish him out of the middle of the Atlantic when a case of crimefighting gone hilariously awry ended up with a thwarted world-domination plot and his ass landed in the middle of, you know, the ocean and shit. Damian of all people demanded his presence in Gotham for the upcoming anniversary of Batcow’s induction into the family.

(When he’d blurted out, “why would you want me back? Aren’t you the one that wanted me gone in the first place? Well, I mean, got what you asked for, right? How about we pretend this conversation never happened.” 

He had been in no way prepared for the demon himself to come hunt him down with a vengeance. Robin seeking him out no matter where he hopped next on the fight crime, kick ass, and take names train.)

(That kid? Seriously.)

And as much as Dick had apologized after he finally made his way back to Gotham, had said no Omega in his Pack should have been alone, without a Bat safety net (reads as: mother hen), he had seemed genuinely upset Tim had presented outside of Gotham, on his own.

Worse, he hadn’t told anyone. Hadn’t come back.

(Like he thought that was an option at the time.)

It wasn’t until later, after they found out he presented, and were…upset he’d been on his own for so long afterwards, that he’d laughed at Dick’s angry expression, shaking his head.

“Come back? Why? To what? I didn’t have any Pack scent by then, and I sure as fuck wasn’t welcome, so why bother? I did what I had to do. We got Bruce back, didn’t we?”

He hadn’t been prepared for how strongly Dick’s musk flared, how the Alpha went deadly serious, had stepped back and palmed some pellets on instinct when facing something potentially dangerous – like a pissed off, feral Alpha male.

It had taken visible effort for Dick to get a hold of his Alpha instincts, which had absolutely perplexed him at the time because really? They hadn’t been partners, allies, friends for almost two years by then.

“It was…I tried to….Tim –“

He’d just waved off the helpless sputtering because by then, it hadn’t really mattered.

“It all worked out in the end. Don’t think about it all too hard, Dick. I don’t.” Which had been an obvious lie, but had at least appeased the Alpha enough not to viciously scent him or use the dreaded octopus hold until he was cuddled within an inch of his life.

So coming back was…different. Unexpected.

Being the official Pack Omega came with Bats all over his everything. Bats coming out of the woodwork when he was starting to run down, when his Heat was approaching, when he’d been out of the city for too long.

(It was all for nothing in the end. Because they’re only after the Omega now, not the boy that used to wear the R…)

“Heat’s easier with an A, Timmers,” Jay had started that ball rolling. “Ya ever gotta need fer the real thing, betcha I know a few Alphas what might help ya out.”

“I can call some Alphas I trust if that becomes the case.” Had been off-handed in his mind, but it had been something else to see Jason’s expression smooth out, to catch the soft noise of leather when the Red Hood’s hands had clenched into fists.

But against his better judgement, he’d let them into his Heat safehouse. At first just to let them deliver Alfred goodies. Later because they wanted to stay, to spend his Heat together.

It was fine as long as they would just leave afterwards. It was fine as long as it stayed just instincts, just Alphas and an Omega. It was fine because they still treated him like Red Robin on the streets and left him alone when he went blackout on cases outside the city.

It was fine until it suddenly wasn’t.

“Gawd, sweetheart,” Jay moans against the nape of his neck, noses against the base, “ya feel s’ good. My sweet lil’ ‘Mega. My purty ‘Mega, lettin’ me in, givin’ it up ta yer Alpha. Gonna lemme be good ta ya, yeah? That’s right. Perfect fer me, ain’t cha?”

It’s his second day, so he’s with it enough to realize what Jason said.

“Yeah he is,” Dick’s fingers in his hair, nails scratching at his scalp. “He’s such a good Omega for us, isn’t he Jay? He fits so nicely between us. Our cute O–“

“Red.” Tim croaks out from under Jay’s bigger body, the wet sounds of skin slapping fast and furious. He bucks up against Jay with real strength, his eyes already getting ridiculously hot and full.

“Red, dammit! Get the hell off me!”

He yells loud enough to make Jay flinch and jerk up abruptly from where he’d been laying over Tim’s back.

Dick’s hand pauses before untangling from his hair.

And even if the Heat is still burning, his body desperate for the knot that was just seconds ago opening him up for it, Tim pulls off Jason’s Alpha cock wetly, doing it himself while both Alphas seem frozen in their spots, not sure why he would safe word out at all. He seemed to be enjoying them!

Tim’s already clawing and scrambling off the bed, careful not to touch either of them, legs wobbly, messy ass and thighs on display, feeling open and raw and needy, but his chest too tight, his lungs seemingly unable to get enough air.

The bathroom door has a lock. Not that it was much of a deterrent if the Alphas really wanted to get to him, but there’s always the window big enough for him to fit through, too small for Dick or Jay. It would give him enough of a head start anyway.

At one point, he’d pulled a towel off the rack, wrapping it around himself, sitting against the bathroom door to literally block it with his body without being consciously aware of it.

He didn’t move, stayed bare ass on the cold tile floor, concentrated on getting enough air back in his lungs, biting down on his lower lip until his eyes stop spilling over, hot and full, until his chest stops stuttering with half-sobs. Until the Omega in him calms it the utter fuck down.

Soft tapping filters through when the door vibrates against his back.

Dick’s voice filters in while the inside of his head is an utter mess. “… got some pajamas for you, and-and a sandwich. Jay made coffee. Can you let me in, sweetheart?”

“Don’t call me that,” is out of his mouth before he can stop it. “I’m not your fucking Omega. I wasn’t enough to be your partner, your brother, and I’m sure as fuck not going to be your bitch either.”

“What the fuck didja just say ta ‘im?” Jay barks from outside the door.

“It’s just instincts,” he tries to snarl but his voice is hoarse, “that’s all this is. You think I don’t know that?” The laugh is scarily unhinged, “it’s not like anyone chose me, right?”

Because honestly, that hasn’t happened his whole vigilante career.

There’s silence outside the door. Stillness. The Omega writhes inside him, still needs a knot, still wants the Alphas even though Tim knows better than to think they want anything other than a warm hole, another vigilante to share the burden, an Omega’s influence in the Pack.

(He fucking gets it.)

“Apparently, we should talk.” Dick’s voice is flat, something like anger or disappointment.

“Get out,” is what Tim says instead. “Get dressed and get the fuck out. I’ll take care of myself.”

Like I’ve always done. Even back when I wore the tunic.

“Tim, we shouldn’t–“

“No,” and his own scent had changed from candy sweet to alarmingly bitter to his own nose. “You are going to get your clothes on and leave. You two don’t see me through anymore Heats. I find someone else or take care of it myself.”

“What?!” Jay sounds floored, “what the shit is this alla sudden? Ya can’t be serious right now.”

“I’m not fucking around, Jason. You leave, or I will.”

“You can’t go out smelling like Heat!”

“I dunno what the hell’s goin’ on wit’ ya but–“

He stands up on wobbly legs, moves to push the window open, knows they’ll hear the squealing because he’s not trying to be quiet about it.

“Whoa, whoa! All right, all right, fer fuck’s sake!”

“We’re getting dressed and leaving,” Dick is right up against the door. “Don’t go out the window, Tim. We’re…we’re going to go, okay?”

“Then go. Now.” He says from the window without turning around. He can’t chance his inner Omega will push him to whine at the door, to smell like open for business, take me, love me, make me yours because that is not at all where any of them are right now.

He hears them talking, their voices getting more muted as they go back to the bedroom to apparently do as he asked.

Tim climbs out of the tub, window still up, and turns on the shower without getting in, just using the noise as a deterrent.

“Don’t like it, Dickie,” he vaguely catches as the Alphas pass by the door again. “We try ta take care a’ ‘im and that’s what the fuck he says?”

“He safe worded, Jay. What does that mean to you?”

And Tim’s throat gets tight when he thinks about the implications Dick is suggesting.

“Dunno. How ‘bout ya gimme yer theories, Detective.”

“Later. I want to make sure there’s water and Alfred meals left in the feezer.”

“Fine, them let ‘im take care of his own ass. I ain’t never took advantage of a ‘Mega in my fucking life.”

Tim doesn’t leave the bathroom until he hears the front door slam closed. He darts out long enough to reconfigure the security system, makes sure no Bats are getting in without a hell of a shock.

The rest of his Heat is utterly fucking miserable, natch.

He feels wrung out and hurt by the time it’s done and he’s ready to put on the suit again.

He doesn’t put in the Batcomm, for the first time in months, and it goes back in a drawer before he takes off out the window.

[deathnguts]

JSJWHXJJX IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKE HIM

His house is actually kind of huge, I’m glad you brought it up and kind of feel silly for forgetting lmao. He’s a ravenclaw! The first Black to ever be a ravenclaw, which is a big deal I suppose. When the hat sorted him, teachers and those who cared about pure blood drama and stuff were surprised and it kind of started a rumor about Sirius ‘cursing’ the bloodline so no Black would ever be slytherin again (factually untrue because Draco was, but it’s debated if he counts or not)

Speaking of Draco, I know you didn’t ask but, here’s how he is with his cousins!! Yippee!

Draco: he doesn’t really like Draco but Draco likes him. Romulus is a little older than him (like 1-3 years I haven’t fully decided yet ngl 😅) so he already has the age difference respect that cousins automatically give each other. Romulus thinks Draco is spoiled and overly emotional (which he is) so he annoys him but Draco is awful at reading him and doesn’t realize at all that he getting side eyed for his behavior. When they get old enough that they’re both in school is when Romulus *spells it out for him when he does something wrong and how ti be better and where Draco fights him on it a lot, he usually listens in the end.

(*Also since these are wizards and I enjoy adding accessibility into the magic system, I made up a spell that makes it so Romulus’ words can be translated into like glowing captions in front of him so he can still talk to people without them knowing sign ((his parents do though)) so that’s kind of a pun)

Luna: Romulus and Luna are ravenclaw besties and they match each others freak in the like off putting autistic child way. They understand each other in ways a lot of other people don’t and they spend a lot of time together in the ravenclaw commons and also grew up seeing each other a lot. (Romulus was homeschooled before hogwarts where Luna wasn’t so they didn’t see each other as much as they would’ve liked but still a lot)

Harry (technically): since Harry is Sirius’ godson, he’s also Romulus’ godcousin if you want to imagine Regulus and Sirius patched up their relationship (I don’t have like a ‘canon’ for that, but it’s fun to imagine either side.) on the side that they did make up then Romulus would see Harry about as much he saw Draco in childhood and kind of have similar discomfort around them as kids just because Harry is so bright and loud (we’re also pretending that Lily and James are alive because I genuinely forget they’re not sometimes) but when they’re teenagers in school together then they get along swimmingly. Romulus isn’t a prankster but he’s impartial to needless violence and has a lot of weird info and items that help mischief that help Harry but still unsettles him kind of (him and Harry are that meme where one guys like ‘I need a skull but you can’t ask what it’s for’ and Romulus gives him three options from his back pocket) And then in a world where the brothers don’t make up, pretty much the same happens except Harry is just more afraid of Romulus because he doesn’t have the previous knowledge that he’s not actually scary just quiet and off putting, but he’s a curious little guy and once he found out that Romulus was Sirius’ nephew he wanted to know him and nothing stopped him.

Erm anyway

Traits! The thing you asked for! Got it!

Barty: well there’s the obvious moral indifference to violence and their shared intelligence in strange areas. But on a smaller level, where Romulus doesn’t feel nearly as many shifting emotions as Barty does, when he does he handles them the same way Barty would. He gets annoyed at having them at all which leads to the like second hand rage just chilling beneath his skin. Romulus has a similar reputation to the one Barty had in school, like how he’s creepy and ‘violent’ even though he’s never actually hurt anyone (Barty did back in the day tho) but there’s also a ton of misconceptions about his habits. Like he smokes nettles and drinks pepperups in a flask throughout the day to maintain his energy levels and vitamin deficiencies but to anyone who doesn’t know that it looks like he day drinks and smokes weed. And when it comes to how they treat people they love, they’re also similar in that. Where Romulus is very independent by nature, he’s just as hopelessly devoted to people he loves (platonically, or romantically) as Barty is by nature. He grew up watching Barty and Regulus be in love, of course his perception of how to treat people you hold dear is kinda strange.

Regulus: most everyone who meets Romulus who knows Regulus sees their similarities immediately. They’re both quiet, reserved, intellectual, independent, hard workers, follow the rules - ok that last one is 100% not true who said that. But yeah I think the traits people attribute to them are true, but just surface level. Yes they are both quiet and reserved, but it’s so much more layered than that. They both value the same times of when to speak up but naturally feel more comfortable not being the center of attention and have confidence in how their words have the most value and who will listen to what. Yes they’re both intellectual and hard working but it’s so far beyond that, Regulus dove into dark magic to try and counteract horcruxes back in the day, and now Romulus is stepping into territory no one else has in trying to combine two forms of creation from groups of people who try to overlap as little as possible and with full confidence that not only he can but it’s simply the next step and he’s the one taking it. They have the shared hubris of a mad scientist. And on a lighter note Romulus is also a blunt, sarcastic little shit when he wants to be and he sounds just like his father.

Who’s his favorite parent? Well thats complicated.

Barty seems to be the obvious answer. His first steps were towards Barty, his first words were to Barty, and when he was a toddler and baby he wanted to be held by Barty more often than anyone else. But Romulus clings to Regulus for understanding of the world. I headcanon Regulus as autistic, so Romulus would have inherited the gene from him, so they are literally wired the same way and interpret the world in the same way. And there’s also, when Romulus thinks of what his definition of a home is, it’s Regulus who comes to mind. But when Romulus thinks do what his definition of love is, it’s Barty.

So, no, Romulus doesn’t have a favorite parent and they would never ask him to choose obviously. But they’re competitive little shits and I think there’s a pretend feud they indulge in, especially when Romulus was younger, of getting Romulus to choose them in whatever situation. But Romulus makes it a very close race because it’s almost entirely equal.

Ooh! This is unrelated but here’s him with his aunts and uncles to tie this up!

Evan: he doesn’t see Evan very often because Evan doesn’t have kids of his own from personal choice and doesn’t really want them so he’s not as good with them as he could be, but fate apparently hates him because he’s Romulus’ favorite. Evan finds him lightheartedly creepy (like the aunt who married cousin It in Addams family found Wednesday creepy in then first movie) but he loves him a lot and thinks he’s funny. And Romulus has fun freaking him out but also genuinely feels listened to by Evan so he tells him a lot of random stuff. When Evan comes over, it’s tradition that Romulus open up with a random fact about whatever he’s getting into now and Evan nods and is like ‘cool,’ which can be kind of a silly reaction to have since the fun fact can vary between ‘did you know cogs are the bumps on gears, not the smaller ones like people think’ and ‘did you know that ostriches are sexually attracted to humans’ so that’s fun. Evan sees a lot of Barty in Romulus and thinks it’s hilarious.

Pandora: Romulus likes Pandora more as he gets older because she’s also a mad scientist and he goes to her for guidance sometimes, but he did like her when he was younger too. He never really had an interest in other kids before but when Luna was born he followed Pandora around everywhere asking about her or could be found holding her for hours. And since Pandora is Luna’s mom, she’s cool by proxy. Pandora thought this was adorable and appreciated that he would be there looking out for her in school and such. Pandora sees a lot of Regulus in Romulus and thinks it’s adorable.

Sirius: again, I don’t have a ‘canon’ idea of if the brothers get along in the universe Romulus is born in but we’re making it work. If they do get along, then Romulus freaks Sirius out and Romulus doesn’t like it so they’re not especially close. If they don’t get along, then Romulus genuinely doesn’t like Sirius because he likes his dad so why doesn’t Sirius like his dad? Sirius sees Regulus in Romulus and it makes him sad because he reminds him of the little boy he grew up with.

Narcissa and Lucious: they don’t like him. They see Barty in him and they don’t like it. They think he’s a bad influence on Draco they do not like him.

Bellatrix: she likes him a lot but she’s really overbearing and loud and kind of picks on him out of habit and he’s lightheartedly afraid of her

Anway that’s as many people of interest I could think of I’m so happy you like him :3

I’d love to hear about Valentina if you wanna talk about them btw!

What would you guys say if I, hypothetically, confessed that my introduction to Bartylus as a ship was actually my own oc that was their son and literally not a day goes by where I’m not thinking about him to the point where I genuinely forgot he’s not a canon character and therefore Bartylus is also not canon because they did not canonically have him and like ten minutes ago I was drawing him and genuinely wondering why no one talks about him and now I’m very disappointed in myself for forgetting only I know he exists so of course no one talks about him

[eniruok]

For NSFW ask game: I’d like to know your answers to 3, 8, and 18 <3

8. Are you into more taboo kinks (watersports, feet, cnc, etc?)

"You're piss kink friend followed me."

Those words are gonna fucking haunt me 😂😂😂

Yes. Im pretty much known as the freak friend and I've had to be talked out of using real drugs to make CNC roleplays even more realistic.

I'm really blessed to have friends willing to restrain me from my own stupidity.

18. What title do you think you prefer? (eg: sir, puppy, master, slave, etc)

Badger... if you still follow me.... I pray you don't see this.

I'm pretty impartial to most titles, they're all cute. But I've found myself really missing being called Boss by someone.

Im not sure if having someone else use that name on me would feel weird or what 😅 but I'd like to enter an age where something has a similar euphoric effect on me.

3. What fictional characters are you most into right now? And/or what fantasies do you have with them?

FINE don't expect me to hold back though just cause ur baby 😔

it says most so I have to be honest at least with my first answer and its genuinely kind embarrassing so don't tell anybody got it???????

I don't often include myself in fantasies- in fact theres only ever been one exception to that rule and it's still pretty rare that I think of him like that but as of right now I am in pain and the only cure is GyJo.

Im a total sucker for pining and friends to lovers shit and the fact that Johnny genuinely thinks Gyro is so cool is just ASKJHSDKH

but ur here for the sex talk so I'll tell you something really sick 😳

There's nothing hotter than Gyro being too casual about getting off with Johnny. Than Johnny being reluctant, conservative, too "Straight" but admiring Gyro enough to give in to him, or at the very least "pretending" to be helpless enough to let it happen. I'm constantly blurring the lines between consent w these two because its easy to do, convenient and hott. And of course I am THIRSTING, SIMPING and LIVING for bottom Gyro.

[mollydollyjournals]

Monday 25th January; 156lbs

I didn't check my body composition today. I just stepped on the scales and left my phone in my bedroom, which means it doesn't send info to the app. So I know that I weigh a little less than the other day, but still way too much.

Toilet tmi again. Im still really constipated and it's actually just fucking painful. The biggest issue is it's not that I haven't been eating. I always try to eat reasonably high fiber (compared to my caloric intake anyway - 8-9g fiber a day isn't much for a normal 2000kcal diet, but it is for 800kcal) and if I need more then I have some particularly high fiber stuff like pulses. Fruit and veg is a good way to go. It's been 3-4 days now so I actually have been eating a bit more to try to make it happen, including higher fiber, but still nothing. I took some stimulant lax last night and still nothing. Had yogurt and coffee and still nothing.

I have this pain in my abdomen too. I suspected some internal bleeding last week or the week before so I'm sure something is up. Just I don't know what I should do about it. I don't want to go back to the doctor and ask them to investigate something else again. I think after my liver scan and blood tests came up fine they'll think I'm lying or exaggerating. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Is it an impaction? Do I have something constructing my intestines? An ulcer? I have really bad acid reflux too. It's like my digestive system is too full and it's just not emptying. My waist feels huge. It makes me actually scared to eat for physical reasons, because if it's not stimulating my gut to move like it should be, then all I'm doing is putting more pressure on my insides.

I'm currently drinking some osmotic lax, which is all I can do. It's what you're supposed to do for impaction. I bought it specifically because I've had these problems before and you're not meant to take stimulant lax, and sometimes it'll resolve itself but it can still be painful and also it'll take longer. Osmotic lax doesn't work fast though - you have to give it a few days. During those few days I'm just reabsorbing waste matter from my intestines. Its disgusting and unhealthy. And when it finally does work, I might have the opposite problem. In the past I've been reluctant to take lax for this because I've had instances where it acted kind of like...a plug. That once it's passed, everything else goes way too fast after it. Sorry that's gross. I guess if anyone wanted more motivation to eat properly it's so your digestive system doesn't get fucked up like this. I noticed a lot of mucus not long ago so maybe the regular mucus layer got stripped and hasn't replenished. Idk.

Other than that there is family drama happening with my brother who is currently in a psych ward and my stupid mother who thinks the sun shines directly out of his anus. My entire life she's treated him like her precious baby and I've just been secondary. Maybe because she associated him with my older brother who died. Who fucking knows. But they're stressing me the fuck out and pissing me off. I keep telling her what to do and what not to do, which I get from trying to properly research his conditions and others similar and from having dealt with her when she was in a psychotic episode, and she just doesn't. She thinks if she just talks nice and loves him enough he'll get better. As if that isn't the whole reason he's a spoiled piece of shit who thought he could take all the drugs with no consequences. This probably sounds very hypocritical from an alcoholic who has trouble not drinking even after physical health problems, but there's much more to it in my brother's case that I cba to go into.

The worst part is she gives him all the attention and understanding that I want and haven't had. I've spent the last few days feeling especially lonely and invisible. I've been talking about it a bit on social media and only a couple of friends responded. Hb came up to my room and saw me crying and basically acted like an awkward dad. Bf hasn't acknowledged much of what I've posted and we still haven't spoken directly. If not for those few friends I might have done something drastic. I don't know. I need to know if I'm actually liked loved and cared for. Missed at all. Lockdown has fucked with it so much and I already had trouble with it. I feel like I need to do something big to get attention. I could just be honest about my feeling like I want to kill myself and see who responds. But I've spoken about it before and people just kind of 'haha same' if that. I don't know if they realise that I'm genuinely close to doing something, or just don't care.

I do have borderline personality disorder and I'm so aware of the stigma. I don't want to be manipulative or abusive. I want people to want to be around me, not because I forced them. I'm so scared of being needy or annoying or overbearing or anything like that. And then if I do say something, I'm already feeling really bad and struggling a lot, so for it to be ignored hurts so much. That's why I end up drinking. I already have trouble seeing my friends post about their struggles and get so much support and love offered, when I get barely any. One of my best friends also has BPD but also everyone loves her. She has a successful small business doing what she loves, if I go anywhere with her strangers stop her and compliment her or ask to take her photo but pretend I don't exist or give me a passing smile. It's not that I don't think she deserves those things or love and support. It's just that I want it too. She's one of the few people who's reached out to me recently and I really appreciate it. I guess she knows how it feels. I just wish I wasn't so jealous.

So for my brother to start saying stuff in the family group chat and my mum to just start fawning over him and all that? Just the extra salt I really didn't need in my wounds. For one thing, I told her not to play into how he is because he'll feed off the drama. I know this because of who he is, that he really is an attention seeker, and that all 3 of us have a tendency to get caught up in things. My brother and I inherit our cluster B personality traits from her. I told her not to get into it and remain impartial. She didn't. I even messaged her and my dad separately and told them that I called the hospital and asked them to check on my brother, but she hasn't given me so much as a thank you.

She's up early for work and I sleep on Mars time, so my dad is still asleep. He'll probably say something when he gets up in a few hours. It all feels backwards. He was so abusive to me growing up. He was unnecessarily strict and horrible to me all the time and kicked me out and disowned me regularly. He tore down my entire sense of self and called me stupid and made sure I realised that if I wasn't doing well it was my own fault and I wasn't trying hard enough. But now he keeps a level head and we reconnected after years of not talking because my brother and mum both had a psychotic episode at the same time a few years ago. I hated him so much but now his approval and support is worth the most. But it's the same problem again - he seems to genuinely realise now that his overly authoritarian parenting was wrong. It's just how it is in a lot of African cultures, and his father was especially abusive, so he wasn't well equipped. He's doing things differently with my younger half brother. But why couldn't it have been me? Why didn't I get to have a nice dad who acknowledges his humanity? My half brother deserves it, but why couldn't I have that while I was growing up too?

It just makes me feel really abandoned. In every situation, there's always someone else who gets what I want, and I don't. I hate my brother so much. I feel like it'd be better if he was dead. But then my mum would spiral, and I'm not really that cold, so I phoned the hospital to talk to them and get them to check on him. Phone calls make me so nervous. I was shaking. Before the call, while I made the call, and for a long time afterwards. I didn't even get acknowledged.

I want a drink.

[yandere-daydreams]

now im thinking of a yandere saving their darling from a different yandere who had become neglectful, after the darling resisting so much and the ex-yandere growing boredof them. they didnt bother letting the darling go, until the new yandere came in to save the day.

Dude, this is a little off topic, but just imagine a Yandere sorta... staging a worst-case scenario. They higher an actor, rent out a house for a few months, then kidnap their Darling (pretending to be the impartial hit-man) only to leave them with the actor, who’s just the absolute worst. Keeping you in a cold, dark basement without a real bed or any entertainment, barely feeding you and certainly not letting you care for yourself, and just... making the experience as absolutely traumatic as it can be.  

But, fortunately, your real Yandere will come save you... eventually. It might take a month or two before they decide you’re ready, but being held in the arms of someone who cares about you, spoiled and coddled at every possible opportunity... you might not even notice that you’re still being held captive, trapped in someone’s guest-room with bars on the windows and no chance of going outside. Now, you just have a more merciful captor. 

[ythmir-writes]

I really enjoy reading your works! May I ask Ikesen Kenshin & silver for your 182 series?

hello dear! thank you thank you thank you so much for ALL your support (you know what im talking about! and you spoil me srsly (♡´艸`))  your tag dumps and your presence helps keep me going! thank you! so here it is! im not sure if it will live up to your favorite one out of all that i’ve written so far but ahhhhhh i hope you won’t hate me for this because i’m gonna go ahead and say this one is painful ｡(＿　＿｡)＝3

SILVER

fandom: Ikemen Sengokucharacter: Kenshin Uesugi

warnings for pain; 2999 words

Kenshin Uesugi had always expected she would leave. Eventually.

He knew it was inevitable. He knew that taking the Azuchi princess as hostage was only for a limited amount of time; that her presence was a guaranteed constant but only for so long as there was conflict between him and the Oda. With the conflict gone and all their treatises signed, there was no reason for him to keep her. No real convincing reason for her to consider an extended and indefinite stay.

So Kenshin was at a loss as to why he felt so vexed when the claim for the Azuchi Princess’ return finally started.

The formalities of the Claim were initiated by one Mitsunari Ishida – a general no less – who came into Kasugayama castle bearing gifts and the inevitable news that sadly (Kenshin had rolled his eyes at that) the Azuchi Princess must be returned.

As if to purposely aggravate Kenshin further, Mitsunari had even gone beyond and above his duty, and had presented a detailed and outlined plan of their travels, with the expected time of departure and arrival back at the Oda’s main residence.

“Her powers need to be renewed.” Mitsunari had droned on, continuing to explain the obvious. “Any extension and she would be most inconvenienced. Perhaps, mortally in danger even.”

“Watch your words, Mitsunari Ishida.” Kenshin had heard his voice before commonsense could stop him. He had sounded angry, offended. Some might have even said, a tad possessive. “Do you insinuate we have not taken care of your princess?”

Mitsunari had looked non-plussed, maybe truly apologetic. “My apologies, Lord Uesugi. I meant no offense. Only that we both know the precarious situation she is in for being too far gone from her source of power.”

Kenshin had had no answer to that.

Calculated. Meticulous. Damnably precise. Mitsunari’s answers and back-up plans had been made so that no circumstance were left unaddressed, no other endgame targeted other than the homecoming in three days time. It was plainly obvious that there was no room which Kenshin could use to argue or haggle and by the end of it, he had been left near boiling mad at how even during peaceful times, Nobunaga took advantageous measures rather than diplomatic ones.

Then again, Kenshin should have been distant; thoughts of haggling for an extended stay should never have crossed his mind. He should be impartial and uninterested. Had he not already expected her unavoidable return to the Oda? Had he not spent three years of his life bracing himself for that fact?

So why did his jaw feel tense? Why did he feel like a snake coiled taut and ready to strike? Kenshin had gnashed his teeth and had impatiently tapped his fingers on the hilt of his sword all the while, pretending he could get up and swing his sword to make a point. No one questioned the god of war.

But, no. Those were not the gestures and thoughts of an uninterested captor, and definitely not the emotions of a person who knew from the very beginning this day would come.

“You said you expected this.” Shingen Takeda had leaned towards him from his shared spot in the dais as soon as Mitsunari had left the main hall. “You said you wouldn’t care.”

“I don’t.” Kenshin had snapped back while suppressing his horror that much of his true mood had managed to show. “I’m annoyed because of the provided logistics. I expected Uesugi cavalry to escort her. I prepared. And now that’s all to waste.”

Shingen’s brows rose at this, as if he had picked up something Kenshin had not even said and it had only made Kenshin’s mood dip for the worst.

“Nobunaga leaves nothing to chance.” Shingen had leaned back, waved a hand towards the gifts left behind: favorite things, precious treasures, handpicked from lands only the Oda had reach. Too generous compensation for the task of keeping a goddess and his princess safe. “You should know better than that.”

“No. He does not. And yes, I should have.” Kenshin had nothing else he could afford to say.

In the afternoon, the rest of the Oda party had arrived: two dozen armed escorts, five Oda special infantrymen, two pairs of armoured scouts, and a full rear guard.

Mitsunari Ishida had beamed at them with pride, the shadow of a boy slipping from his battle-hardened facade. He had watched with keen interest as the soldiers went into formation, pledged their allegiance to the Princess and to the Oda, before performing a salute to Uesugi’s generosity.

“Well performed.” Shingen had commented. “And excellent footwork, if I may add.”

“Thank you, Lord Shingen.” Mitsunari had been all smiles. “I have taken your advice to heart. Your compliments mean a lot to me.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen soldiers so eager to fall in line.” Yukimura Sanada, Shingen’s second, had added.

Mitsunari had waved a hand at his soldiers. “Nothing but the best for this mission. Nothing less should be spared for the Azuchi Princess’ trip back home.”

Home.

Kenshin had ground his teeth again, realizing the group was Mitsunari’s handpicked guard. It was almost as if it was not Nobunaga Oda who was claiming the Princess back but this damnable, smiling, scheming, cunning little –

It took every ounce of self-control, and a well-timed whisper from his most trusted ninja, for Kenshin to loosen his white-knuckled grip on his sword. Whether it was sheer anger or spite that carried him through the rest of the ceremonies, he did not know. Only that as the rest of rules of tradition were fulfilled, Kenshin had retreated to his thoughts.

But then again, what thoughts?

Too long he had repeated to himself this: Precisely because he knew there would never be a compelling reason for her to stay behind in Kasugayama, so too he had no compelling reason to go ahead and put a name on anything he felt where it concerns the Princess – other than “inconveniences”, “distractions”, little “hiccups that made his mind wander when he should be thinking of war”. Everything he had had with her, all the moments spent in her company he had long convincedhimself were but temporary.

Why try to decipher any of the uncomfortable sensations he felt if he knew in the end there was nothing to come of it?

Just like wildflowers, he reasoned to himself; those had no proper names, no real identities, just whispers. They were beautiful and wonderful and terribly fleeting. They come in spring to die inwinter only to then bloom again. A breath taken then gone.

What was the use of naming and holding on to something so obviously transient?

So in all honesty, Kenshin Uesugi had never truly considered the depth of the emotions he truly harbored for the princess.

And now, he was escorting her to her palanquin.Nowthe inevitability was coming to pass.Now he felt upset and vexed beyond comprehension at the thought of the princess being taken away. Wildflowers plucked before they could fully bloom. Too soon, too soon.

The idea made him sick, made him angry, made him feel so unpleasantly vulnerable. Made him feel a deep sense of lamentation at what hehad lost, what he was losing – what he had so long been too cowardly to grasp.

But he should not be so selfish.

She needed to go back, Kenshin reasoned to himself. She needed to go back to her lands and to her magic. She needed to be returned so she could live, so she could flourish, so she could regain her power to serve her people and see better days.

That he needed her to stay, that he wanted her to stay, was something best kept to himself.

She was just a hostage. She was just another tool used in the war.

That she had been so warm. That she had been so bright. That she had been able to pull him when other would simply let go. That she had been stubborn when others would simply be compliant. That she had been the cause of most of his laughter. That she had been so strong, and honest, and courageous and valiant and taught him so many other things when he had thought of her as next to nothing.

That was no one’s fault but his.

“Thank you for your kindness all this while.” The Princess bowed low, at the waist just like he had taught her, then straightened back up like an arrow, taut. She was dressed as he had first seen her, in a pauper’s travelling clothes with a short sword strapped at the waist. None of Echigo’s riches were decorating her now. None of their gifts dangling from her ears or wrapping around her wrists. All traces of him gone. Not even the hairpin he had given her.

And at the thought, Kenshin’s heart sank even further.

“You take care, all right.” Shingen had taken Kenshin’s silence as an opportunity to say his own goodbyes. “Your party is more than enough to keep you safe but well, nothing wrong with blessings to leave you by.”

“I’m grateful for them.” She answered, smiling up at him, as if Shingen had not been the principle moving force behind her capture.

“You be sure to keep a healthy diet too.” Yukimura had decided to cut in as well. “No more just sake and sour plums.” He shot a look at Kenshin.

Kenshin ignored the look.

The Princess laughed. “I liked them a lot. I still do.”

“I’ll be sure to visit.” Sasuke Sarutobi said now, materializing from whatever shadow he had just been in. No doubt he had scouted as far ahead as possible to make sure their path was clear. “With the new peace treaties between Oda and Uesugi-Takeda, there’s no reason for me to be covert about it either.”

“We could have snacks at that candy store again.” She clapped her hands. “Remember that dango?”

“If there’s sweets involved, then I’m going too.” Shingen invited himself. “Yuki?”

Yukimura groaned. “Fine. Because someone has to make sure you behave yourself.”

They laughed. Kenshin wanted to join in on their merriment, be part of their group as he had always been. He wanted at the very least for their last memory to not be a burden for her to carry. But he could not find any joy in what was happening, even if it was the promise of happier and peaceful days spent under a brighter silver moon.

“Kenshin?”

Her voice pulled at him like the moon to waves and Kenshin looked at her looking at him, a little bit worried, a little bit something else behind her silver eyes.

Kenshin’s throat tightened with emotion and need to lock her up again, refuse any help, destroy all evidence of good will and make war once again just so he could have the semblance of an excuse for her to –

“I want you to stay,” he began, his voice wrung with emotions. First, relief, at the realization of what exactly he was feeling. Second, and more so, that particular emotion that gutted his innards and twisted them.

Grief. He was grieving this end. Inevitable. Unavoidable. Inconceivably painful. He did not want this. He did not want to partake in any of this.

He should have known from the very start that wildflower roots run deep. And once they had taken to the land, they knew no other.

But she needed to go back, he reminded himself again. She needed to go back so she could live. He needed to let her go before she died in her cage like how –

“I want you to stay.” Kenshin repeated, the pain in his chest making him throw away all sense of self-preservation that had kept him alive in the battlefield. “But I know you have to go back. I do not want this but it needs to be done.”

“Is that for me or for you?” She asked gently, taking his hand.

Kenshin opened his mouth, closed it. Took a lifetime to respond. “I don’t know.” He finally said, his voice barely a whisper.

Somewhere during the time it was taking him too long to answer, everyone else seemed to have suddenly given them space. They were conversing as if in private now, Mitsunari Ishida (the damnable smile still in place) had even turned away and left them in peace.

“You avoided me the past few days.” She said. “You never came to visit me in my room.”

“You were saving stamina for the trip. I didn’t want to be a burden.” Kenshin answered.

“I see.” Her tone told Kenshin she did not believe him. He did not expect her to. He had spent the past few days hovering in front of her room, passing it by, taking a longer route just so he could spare it a glance. But never truly asked if he could come in.

He did not want to see her room being emptied, did not want to see the trunks being loaded with everything she owned, did not want to strike up a conversation about how he felt about this.

How she felt about it all.

“And yet here you are saying you want me to stay.”

Kenshin swallowed before answering. “I do.”

Her lips tugged upward at some memory. “Sasuke told me you were near ballistic during the turnover. Said something about an offense…?” She prompted.

“There was insinuation against my honor.” Kenshin remembered and felt angry again. “That I might not have taken care of you.”

She giggled and Kenshin wanted to bottle up the sound for him to keep. “That’s not what Mitsunari said.”

Kenshin clicked his tongue. “That’s what I heard.”

“The reason I was waiting because I have something to give you.” She let go of his hand to produce something from her sleeve. It wasa small charm sewn in bright blue and silver fabric, Uesugi colors, with a bright red thread forming the shape of a bird.

Kenshin recognized it instantly but had barely formed the words of protest on his lips when the Princess had already placed it in his hands, closed his palms over it.

“A goddess’ hair is a powerful thing.” Kenshin said, thoughts reflexively going to tactics, to war. “Do you even understand – ?”

“That is not its only purpose.” She kept her eyes trained on their hands clasped together. “It means something else.”

Kenshin pressed his mouth into a thin line, wondered if it was safe to let loose what he had kept so long inside him. Wondered if she would drown. If both of them would.

“I return you to the Oda as the day I found you.” Kenshin said instead and he did his best to ignore the way her shoulders stiffened at him hastening their parting. “Not a hair on your head harmed. Not a sliver of skin taken which was not freely given. Not your power or your soul fragmented. I return you as I found you.”

“All good will, prosperity, and blessings be upon you, Lord Kenshin Uesugi.” She chanted the proper words back. “For you have returned me as you have found me and have not harmed me or done me ill will. I am going back whole, safe. Unharmed. Tended to with the best you have to offer. Loved.” She looked at him and her eyes shone. “Loved in the way you knew how.”

Kenshin swallowed a wail and wondered with the way her shoulders were quivering, if she hated him too.

Hated him for not speaking his mind until the very end. Hated him for not doing something to prevent this. Hated him for not parting with a better memory to reminisce. Not with a banquet. Not with a promise for the future. Not even one last night to drink under the stars from which she was named after. Hated him for keeping it all inside because he was nothing but afraid.

She did not need to. He hated himself enough for both of them.

“You haven’t failed, Kenshin Uesugi.” She smiled at him now, that same patient smile she always wore when he was being difficult. “You haven’t let me die the same way as Isehime. You haven’t let anyone die in vain, if at all. I just wish you’d see that too.” Then without giving him time to say anything else, she turned away.

Kenshin did not chase her. Had Kenshin been a little less stronger, he would have dropped on his knees and begged her all over again to stay. But he was not and he did not.

It took all his strength to stay and watch her palanquin until it disappeared into the horizon. All the while Kenshin gripped the charm like it was a lifeline. Part of him wanted to ride his mare and bring her back. Part of him was relieved that finally, she could grow strong again and live life better again.

But all of him, every single fiber of his being, missed her, craved her being with him. And not for the last time did he wish he was a god of something else – anything else – that could keep her safe. Could keep her safe.

It was past midnight by the time Kenshin could be ushered by Sasuke to go back into the castle. Kenshin was not sure. Time was suddenly hazy, a concept foreign to him. It was only time he had spent with her, and the time he was now spending without her.

Kenshin Uesugi raised his eyes towards the sky, his eyes searching for the stars she had so often pointed out as her favorites. But no matter how long he stared or how much his tears tried to rinse him of all his sorrow, he could not see them. None of them were there tonight.

And neither was she. Not anymore.

25/182

[thaumatological]

im gonnaaaa revise and post my very dirk centric analysis of the epilogues here as well

also in case it needs stating, spoilers abound!

i read through both of the epilogues simultaneously yesterday, consuming both at the same time rather than one and then the other, and i feel like while it may not have been the most “satisfying” approach from a character-centric perspective, i have a more complete understanding of the stories than those who read them separately. if you’ve read through both and have the stomach to do it again for some reason, i suggest doing it in parallel, m1 c1 m2 c2 etc.

i will warn you though, i ended up having two nightmares at the same time in my dreams last night. like, simultaneously, two separate threads of terror unraveling in my subconscious. i woke up this morning already knee deep into an analysis of the homestuck epilogues, and it was less like “waking up” and more “becoming aware that i was conscious”

anyway, without further ado!

dirk killing himself in candy 14 is the scene that resonates with us as being “dirk” because it is. that’s all dirk, our dirk, the one from homestuck. he Has to do that in order for candy to continue being candy, and part of me believes that he knew that on a conscious level—hence his death being just. he knew he wouldn’t get a nice fluffy outcome in the candy timeline because him, all of him, not just this one instance, was fated to be meat dirk.

—and speaking of, the concept of Ultimate Selves pretty much squares away meat dirk. he doesn’t read like our dirk, the one from homestuck canon, because the narrative explicitly states he’s Not anymore. he’s become all of him, all of him from across paradox space, including notable players bro, doc scratch, and lord english. dirk’s Ultimate Self is a culmination of every possible him taken to the highest intensity. it reads like one of his personal nightmares because it WAS his personal nightmare—the personal nightmare of our dirk. he’s a prince of heart. the ascension to his Ultimate Self resulted in the complete destruction of the barriers between his splinters. the more i think about it, the more brilliant it is. he seems out of character as the dirk we know and love because he isn’t.

i feel like i finally Get it, but i’m still not looking forward to seeing people who dislike dirk using this to discredit the progress he made on his personal journey (ie “see he was evil the whole time!”) nor am i looking forward to all of the “dirk would never do this! it’s ooc writing!” from people who seem to have missed the part of homestuck where what scared dirk about himself most was the undeniable truth in it. there’s more than one example of “bad dirk and/or dirk byproducts” out there in paradox space. it’s more than feeling like you “might” be bad, it’s… being afraid of what you would be if you weren’t so afraid of being it, it’s seeing things that were a result of You-but-not-you and having to stare down the fact that even if you weren’t bad, even if you didn’t, you could have, would have, did. dirk’s Ultimate Self being a nightmare scenario is ..almost a recursive throwback to his fears about his ultimate self (note capitals)

him taking control of the narrative was epic though. it honestly did not catch me off guard? it makes sense. it is a 100% dirk strider move. if you haven’t read it by now for some reason, go read detective pony. i am diagnosing you with read detective pony by sonnetstuck. it’s terminal.

the only two people aside from hussie to have controlled the narrative in homestuck canon are the cherubs. and i did make the point somewhere up there that dirk absorbed lord english, and by extension, caliborn. that’s WHY he got that ability. not because he’s a prince of heart. dirk controlling the narrative makes sense from the perspective of dirk controlling the external narrative as well, ie, the whole thing is on a piece of paper that he wrote as some form of bizarre cathartic self punishment for his existence, but in the grander scheme of things and truth of homestuck dirk controlling the narrative makes sense as the puppetmaster-turned-puppet we see him become in several of his iterations, because caliborn literally becomes part of him.

everything is so skewed by the narrators. yes, both of them, because the whole point of the epilogues is that both of them suck and muse calliope is just as shitty as “impartial” “narrator” as Ultimate Self dirk is. it actually makes the whole thing a lot greyer in morality than it comes across at first. US dirk does a lot of Bad Shit as narrator, yeah, but even as passive as she is, calliope’s narration has its flaws (see: everything relating to trickster mode)

the epilogues are less about the characters themselves and more about a grander conflict between the two cherubs, using dirk and jade as their puppets—and yes, muse calliope is using jade as a puppet LITERALLY, which upsets me on so many levels i can’t even get into it here. let jade be fucking relevant and happy hussie or so help me i will write myself into your narrative and do some renovation of my own. but dirk is equally deprived of his agency in this scenario. i’m not going to debate with anyone about the inherent goodness/badness of dirk strider because that’s an entirely different essay, but in canon, dirk’s entire arc is about NOT becoming exactly what he becomes in the epilogues. the dirk we know didn’t choose to become his “Ultimate Self,” the dirk we know doesn’t get a choice between meat and candy, the dirk we know is at the mercy of the narrative even as he pretends to control it.

and that’s not something new to dirk strider, in any variation of himself. i’m specifically going back to thinking about the term “puppetmaster-turned-puppet” here, because i like it. in canon, we see dirk get out-puppeted by hal. it’s implied that bro is being controlled at least in part by lil cal, who is in turn.. a splinter of dirk indirectly via hal via arquiussprite. i’m getting a little lost in all the splinters. why is dirk’s worst enemy consistently himself? don’t answer that. uhh also it should be mentioned that makes lil cal a puppetmaster-turned-puppet-turned-puppetmaster, both literally and metaphorically. i fucking hate andrew hussie.

anyway, both of the epilogues do all that shit to to drive home the point that both of them (and i mean muse calliope and LE here when i say both, because this has officially stopped being about the dirk we know) are removed from human concepts like “good” and “evil” and represent duality in an alien manner that to a casual observer could be mistaken for some objective statement about morality, but they’re both wrong to us from our perspective as humans with human morals. the choice of candy and meat from the beginning was a cherub one. that’s not a balanced meal! that’s not even a reasonable dichotomy for humans! meat is not more real or “canon” than candy was, both of them are very flawed stories being manned at the helm by omnipotent green aliens.

okay we’re ALMOST done here, i just want to touch on the actual authors of the narrative rather than the ones the narrative insists are its narrators. by which i mean the actual real life human beings who wrote the epilogue. the point i was making above about how dirk doesn’t have any agency? the point of these epilogues were that none of the characters have any agency in their stories. every work is a reflection of its author, even when aforementioned authors are hiding behind pseudoauthors on a narrative level.

the homestuck epilogues feel very meanspirited to me. they punish their readers for not understanding their intentionally heavyhanded meta. homestuck was always very meta, but it was also fun. this, on the other hand, wasn’t fun. i haven’t seen anyone claim that the epilogues were a “fun” read, even those who enjoyed them enjoy them on the basis that “tragedy is a valid form of art,” and,,, ........and their opinions are. valid. and they can have them. sure.

but for those of us who read stories in order to enjoy them, which i am safely assuming makes up the majority of those who read homestuck, the homestuck epilogues are like a final kick in the teeth as a send off to a fandom with barely any teeth left to lose. we’re already having people who refuse to read them, and god i wish that were me, but it’s also.,, you can’t criticize something properly if you haven’t read it. we’re going to see a lot of very bad takes in the coming days about all kinds of things from information proliferating through the grapevine, and personally, i am not looking forward to it. i really hope this is the end, that homestuck is finally fucking over, and the epilogues are done with and we can all live our lives unmarred by strange orange men with typewriters. i’m going to hole up with my cool and new webcomic music albums and all of the good novel-length dirk-centric fic i’ve bookmarked over the years and wait this one out. i invite you to do the same.

cool and new webcomic bandcamp | cool and new greatest hits | my personal favorite album by them

detective pony by sonnetstuck (seriously please read this it watered my crops and cured my lead poisoning)

literally anything by callmearcturus but this is my personal favorite (chamomile, rosewater, and other unlikely intoxicants)

this long winded discworld joke by oxfordroulette that inflicted me with a terminal case of loving jake english despite it being a dirkjohn fic (vanitas vanitatum) also if you finish reading this one and also succumbed to loving jake english, i’m not going to link it but they have another fic that’ll scratch that itch for you. that’s all i’ll say on that matter.

this fic said nonverbal autistic dirk rights and thank god (we were made for another world by princex_n)

thanks for reading

[defectfoundinthelosingside]

whos narrating candy?

spoilers for both meat and candy under the cut

in terms of the epilogues exploration of narrative, metanarrative, cannon etc... and putting the general plot and characterization fuckery aside (which is. A Lot to put aside honestly but bear with me);

if meat is narrated by dirk and alt-calliope via jades body, are we given all the information we need to figure out who, if anyone, is narrating candy? did i just miss who it was bcus i wasnt paying attention or somth or is this a genuine narrative question we’re supposed to ask?

because. i cant think of a single encouraging version as to who might be controlling the candy narrative if im honest sjfsdjhf

for instance, if its still alt-calliope via teen-jades corpse... since alt-calliope at least PRETENDS to be impartial and leaves the characters SOMEWHAT to their own decisions and devices, that would imply that the characters in candy, or at least these post-several-timeline-jump versions of the characters in candy, are all mostly making these awful damaging decisions themselves? including eg the sudden bringing back of gamzee out of the blue for instance, which is repeatedly presented by john as a sudden and nonsensical decision made by roxy and ‘our’ calliope anyway? considering this and some other things in that half of the prologue im not sure its even a viable option...

(on a sidenote, is john just immune and quicker to notice narrative pressure (like how he notices his thoughts arent rly his own several times with dirk)? is that why he notices roxy and cal acting so weird so quickly? is that also why dirk almost... ‘lets’ him die, kind of? the actions of ‘our’ caliope are kinda mysterious as well, right? ugh so many questions)

the other thought i had was that the candy narrative was supposed to sort of be controlled by the fandom in which case..... the levels of insulting that would be is unspeakable frankly. but like. considering candy was at least assumed to refer to the sickly-sweet shipping-oriented narrative a lot of fandom seems to be associated with in other media.... maybe? if its this tho then frankly the epilogue is cancelled in my mind bcus its already real close yall lmao

but aside from those two options im sort of drawing a blank since dirk in the candy timeline literally kills himself because he knows that he can’t influence the narrative and so??? that sort of rules out alt-cal too in my opinion because dirk managed to deal with them in meat somehow and pull off his plan so why not here too? i just dont KNOW guys

[scarlette-joel-writing]

Erased Pt. 9

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader 

Warnings: things get a bit gruesome, not too bad though. Language. 

A/N I know . Ihave taken forever to update. Im sorry about that. I promise that I will be better

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10  Part 11  Part 12 Part 13

~

Y/N’s POV:

It is dark and it is cold and it is loud.

It is dark. I cannot see an inch in front of my face. I cannot see any light coming from any place and I have no idea what the room I am in looks like. I don’t even know if I am in a room. I could be in a cardboard box for all I know. Stored on a shelf somewhere, waiting to be shipped off to China. I haven’t moved from this spot since I woke up because I am not sure that I want to know what my surroundings consist of.

It is cold. I am so cold that my teeth chatter and my skin has permanent goosebumps on them. Yea that is what I mean by it is freaking cold. There is a breeze that is as cold as the Arctic Circle that hits me every couple of minutes and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out where the hell it is coming from. I guess the fact that there is a breeze is some indication that I am not in a card board box, so I can add that to the very short list of things that I know.

It is loud. There is a loud pounding in my ears that causes my entire body to shake as I am sitting on the ground. It is Similar to the sound that I heard when the guy came into the complex to take me, but this sound is much louder than that one. And it isn’t just one steady note. It is high frequencies and low frequencies that mix together and cause my brain to feel like it is turning to mush. It paralyzes my muscles and makes me want to puke. Thankfully, I have been able to stop myself from doing that so far.

I don’t know how long I have been here and I really have no way of figuring it out. My internal clock is fucked because of the noise and my external clock is fucked because of the lack of sun. If I had to take I guess, I would say that I have been awake for about 12 hours but I have no idea how long I was out before then. It could have been 2 hours or two weeks for all I know.

I have to do something besides just sit here. I have to. So far no one has come in and I am pretty sure that even night vision wouldn’t be able to see through the pitch blackness of this room. I am just sitting there until they decide that they have had me for long enough and kill me.

I take a deep breath and then allow myself to unlatch my arms from around my knees and to pull myself up onto all fours. My hand sweeps out in front of me and it is met with nothing but cold air. So not a cardboard box. Maybe a shipping container. I shuffle forward a little bit on my knees. Maybe if I can just make it to the other side of the space, there will be a door or something that will lead to the outside world.

I continue on with my blind search until I put my hand down on top of something. It all happens so quickly. I set my hand down on something and then suddenly my hand is going through the something. My arm goes in all the way up the elbow and I can feel a warmth encompass me. I have to pull my hand out of whatever it was in, and the warm and sticky substance encases my entire left forearm.

That is the breaking point. That is what makes me scramble to my feet, take a couple steps and then hunch over, vomiting up whatever stomach contents I have. I have no idea what that was, but I can tell you that I know it wasn’t strawberry jelly. The smell is enough to tell me that.

I abandon my search of the room and crawl back into my little corner, stumbling as I walk because these fuckers know that I would kick their ass if they didn’t have this stupid noise buzzing through my ears.

I sit back down on the ground and let my head hit the wall behind me. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry but I don’t know what else there is for me to do. I am helpless. I can’t use my power and there isn’t anybody here for me to kick the shit out of. I don’t know who is doing this, why they took me, or what they want.

I let the first tear fall, and I don’t even attempt to wipe it off.

All I know is that I want Bucky. I want to be back home in the complex. I want to be home.

Please come find me Bucky.

~

Bucky’s POV:

“What the fuck do you mean we don’t have anything?! How can we not have found out a single fucking thing on where Y/N might be?!” my voice shakes and it feels like it shakes the entire complex with it. I am angry. I am beyond angry. I really don’t think that there are any words to describe the emotions that I am feeling right now. There are too many of them.

It has been two days since Y/N has gone missing. Two days since I realized that she was taking a bit to long with her shower and went up to find her bedroom empty and some blood on the floor. It has been two days since I realized that the girl that I am supposed to protect with my entire life is missing. Two days of non-stop panic and anxiety, trying to find anything that could possible lead me to her.

“Bucky. We are doing everything that we can. We don’t really have a lot to go off of,” Steve says as he and the rest of the team are sitting in the conference room, trying to have a civil conversation about the plans that they should be making. How is this any time to be having a civil conversation? This is the time to be going out and knocking people’s teeth out until they tell me what I need to know.

“Yea, Buck. It’s not like they exactly left us a note, telling us exactly where they were taking her. These things take time,” Natasha says and I can see her give me a small smile of sympathy. But small smiles of sympathy aren’t what I need right now.

“Why aren’t we going through lists of all of our enemies and trying to figure out which one has her that way?” I am pacing the floor now. Back and forth. Back and forth. It doesn’t offer me any release but it does allow me to do something. Anything.

“We are doing that. But that list isn’t exactly a short one. Like Romanoff said, these things take time,” Tony is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. He gives me a look that tells me that he is sorry but he isn’t that sorry.

They are all trying to cut themselves off from their emotions. They are all trying to pretend like this isn’t one of their own that has gone missing. They are trying to keep themselves more rational by being impartial to the situation. But that doesn’t work with me. None of that works for me.

I am not going to sit here and pretend that my Y/N is just another random stranger that we have to save. I am not going to pretend like she isn’t the most important thing in my life and I am definitely not going to stop until I have her back home and with me.

Let’s just hope that nothing bad has happened to her…

~

Y/N’s POV:

There is nothing but light surrounding me. Bright blinding light that causes my eyes to water and me to cover them with my right hand. It is coming from the opposite side of the room, just like I knew it would. Once my eyes have adjusted enough, I drop my hand and look back to the door. There is a silhouette there, just standing.

“I see you have had the pleasure of getting acquainted with Robert,” the voice says and I am confused for a second until I look down and realize that there is a body lying in the middle of the floor. It is half decayed and the skin seems to be sliding off of the bones a bit. I notice that there is a gaping hole in the middle of the stomach and when I look down at my arm, it is almost black in color due to the blood and whatever else was resting inside of Robert. The sight makes me gag but thankfully there is nothing left in my stomach to throw up.

The noise is still pounding in my skull and it makes my vision blurry. Everything is blurry. I feel like I am going to pass out But I cant do that. I cant. I may never way up again.

“Who are you? What do you want?” I want my voice to be strong and hard but it comes out weak and broken and laced with fear at the sight of the body in front of me. Is that going to be soon? Is that how the others are going to find me? Half decayed with a hole in my stomach? Or will they even find me at all?

“My name is Dr. Orlov,” I can hear the Russian accent now. Subtle but still there. He takes a step inside, switches on a light, and bathes the room in a yellow glow. Everything in this room is gray. Gray tiles and gray concrete. All the way to the gray body lying in the middle of the room. “And you have something that I require,” he smiles at me.

“And what would that be,” I spit back at him, and before I know it, he has crossed the small room and is kneeling in front of me. He pulls a small machine out of his pocket and attaches it to my forehead. This device causes small bursts of electricity to shoot through my body every couple of seconds. He hits another button that stops the horrible noise, but I still cant use my power because of this stupid electricity.

FUCK ME.

“I require the code to my asset. And it seems that you are the one that has it,” he leans back and I cant help the look of pure confusion on my face. How the hell does he know about that. There is no way that he could possibly know about the code. I erased it from every person’s mind in the world. The only way that he could remember was if he wasn’t on the planet when I was erasing things… But that’s not possible. “Ah, I can see the little wheels in your head turning. So many questions. But don’t worry your pretty little head about that. We will have plenty of time to talk and discuss how I know the things I know while you are telling me the code,”

“I will never tell you the code,” I hiss back at him, feeling myself lose consciousness once again.

“Torture is a powerful thing Ms. Y/N. Never say never,” he smiles at me.

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