#im not blaming myself anymore im getting stuff done im trying my best!!!

[calyvt]

And I deserve a little treat :3

[phxntomsdusk]

So you're sirenbrainrot

okay so i didn’t expect this question to ever come up but yes, i was sirenbrainrot. i’ve attempted to put all of that behind me because i am insanely ashamed for my past on that account.

i had interacted with nsfw on that account, talked to people about it, without realizing how fucked up it was for a minor to be invading adult spaces like that.

i know i can make plenty of excuses about this, and i don’t think i can avoid the truth further, so i might as well say everything as to why i had done that before but why i’ve changed now.

when using that account i had been going through an extremely rough time mentally. i had been recovering and thinking through some shit that had happened in a previous relationship related to sexual assault and manipulation.

through this i realized im hypersexual yet asexual. its tough for me to deal with and i dislike myself for it. i thought the best way to deal with this was simply by voicing my thoughts, maybe if i got everything out there and read stuff it would make me feel better. but it didn’t.

i had brought down people with me and ruined many friendships i had gained, and i am taking full blame for that. i was a minor invading adults spaces simply because i didn’t know how to properly express what i was feeling, and thought that would be the best way out of it.

after the entire abby situation, i had spoken with a close friend of mine on it, and wanted to change myself for the better. one of my coping mechanisms is writing, which is why i love publishing in tumblr and wattpad, it gives me a place to express this.

i had completely stopped interacting with nsfw posts and reading any, since i’ve found that i didn’t actually enjoy it, i just enjoyed the thought of having something to distract my brain from everything that had been going on.

like i said it’s a bunch of lame and dumb excuses, but i am genuinely different from how i was on that account.

nsfw makes me uncomfortable and i hate that i’ve found myself falling back into that cycle of talking to adults about it, simply because i want to feel validated for what has happened in the past.

my hypersexuality is something i struggle to talk about and struggle to find ways to cope, meaning i would just indulge in that stuff for hours on end hoping to get my “fix” and feel better about myself.

i don’t want anyone to pity me for my feelings or think i’m being not genuine, because i truly mean it when i say i’m sorry and i’ve changed.

sirenbrainrot is not who i want to be anymore. sirenbrainrot was me invading the safe spaces of those who made it clear they didn’t want minors in their space.

i had hurt people and i feel horrible about it every day, i would love to reach out and apologize but i know no matter what i did what i had done, and there is no excuses.

i could sit here and say i’m only a kid and don’t know any better, but i do. the only thing that prompted me to act this way was personal issues i wasn’t voicing properly, and ended up making things so much worse for everyone who had been involved in that account.

i’ve done my best to put that past me and try to turn a new leaf, if you will. i strictly read and write sfw, i’ve voiced my thoughts and struggles with close trusted friends, and i’ve taken time to truly think over my actions.

i’m truly sorry for those who i’ve made uncomfortable, i’m sorry for people who i invaded on the siren account, just know i’m very different now and i stand by that.

[deb0o]

I am leaving(technically)...

I've been thinking about this for a while, ever since things started to go sour, and i am going to distance myself from the rosegarden community.

It wasnt an easy decision to make because i've always had a strong sense of responsibility towards all of you, not only as an artist, but also as an member. However, i feel like i've burned myself trying to pretend things were ok or to keep everything alright around me and now i've hit my limit.

I just feel so detached from everything and especially numb that i would lie if i said that i knew how i feel, all i know is that i am sorry for not trying enough or not being present enough. There are a ton of members i wish i could have been closer too and a lot of things i wish ive done differently and im especially sorry to whoever i might've hurt during this whole journey.

I dont blame anyone and this is especially not a dig at the whole community because there are still ton of amazing and awesome members worth meeting, Its just that...personally, i have too many bad memories.

And don't get me wrong, i still love rosegarden, and i might even draw some fanart for it if i happen to feel like it, but i wont give my all like i used to for this ship aka participe to events or organise stuff related to this ship.

You can all still dm me to discuss the ship in private but i wont likely join any big groups to engage anymore.

As for what happened in the server, i would like to not be involved in this issue anymore, i really dont want to sound mean and/or selfish, but i just want to move on from this and forget...i had to adjust to a lot of things and its upseting to have to start over again everytime its brought up again...besides things also havent been well irl(wether its myself or family related issues) so i dont want, on top of that, to be set back again to this drama. I hope that you can all understand where im coming from regarding this.

Finally, i know that i havent had that much of an impact on a lot of people here but to those who feel concerned i really hope that this wont discourage any of you to still enjoy rosegarden because i would be feel awful if this is what i made you feel. I want you all to know to despite all of this you can all this reach out to me and ill gladly respond.

I really wish you all the Best.

Love,

Deboo

[termitesisagrandslam]

so yeah i went to visit my lovely best friend and she rooms with my former best friend (we were a trio of best friends in hs) who cut me out suddenly 9(!!!) years ago. and im trying to figure out how to deal with it still bc it happened while i was having a traumatic freshman year in college. and i became too much of a burden to her due to my depression and increased need for her friendship. since in high school she had been the one who needed me. and i have regrets, like i was wrapped up in myself and would get too easily hurt and frustrated when i felt like she wasnt giving me reassurance i needed. and so she just stopped talking to me. i blamed myself for years for driving her away.

our mutual best friend kept telling me it wasnt on me, that my ex-friend had been cruel. apparently she thought cutting me out without warning or anything would make me so angry that i wouldnt be sad or miss her. which isnt in line with my personality at all and ig my best friend told her that, that it was more likely id be sad and blame myself. which is what i did

and it's only in the past couple years i allowed myself to be angry. not that i didnt do anything wrong. but to finally understand that my behavior didnt warrant hers and that what she did was mean and unfair. and now i am really angry. i dont hate her (even if sometimes it feels like that when i get emotional) but i am angry.

there was an opportunity for all 3 of us to have lunch and i couldnt do it bc i knew she would act like nothing happened and like we were acquaintances and try to make small talk. a few years ago i wouldve 100% done that and id have taken all the blame just for the chance to reconcile. but i cant do that anymore.

so i declined. and then i saw her briefly for the first time in almost a decade as she walked to the bathroom and god im just so angry still. i cant describe how close we were and then boom i was dropped like i was nothing. as if i never mattered to her. and im worried i didnt?

and it's been so long i feel ridiculous being still so upset, especially since she probably barely thinks about me. but it's so tied into the trauma i went thru at the time in college and it altered the way im able to socialize and the way i trust. and it hurts so much that she and my other best friend have been in each others lives this whole time. and it was always the three of us. but i was disposable to her when i became inconvenient. when i needed her to be a support. and even now it's hard to not think "well i shouldnt have cried in front of her. i shouldnt have told her when she hurt my feelings. i shouldnt have i shouldnt have"

idk what im saying even. it's just hard to move on and process it when her presence is everywhere still. her stuff is everywhere when i visit my best friend. she's there and ive been barred. and the amount of times ive been Too Much and been barred from spaces is a lot. and trying not to internalize that as what it means for my worth as a person is really hard.

[existingonthisplane]

A master post of my projects (w/ links to the ones that have been started c:)

On going:

The I Love You Series. It’s also on going and is a comic I’m writing about Mike coming to terms with his very obvious feelings for Will. It’s accompanied by a fic but it’s all pretty slow to update since it’s not my main priority. Still it’s fully outlined so I’m planning on finishing it. (Also sorry in advance for inconsistent drawings, I’m in practice of drawing consistent faces so-) I post this on my main for the most part

I Don’t Think I’m Faking Anymore (fake dating au) This is a fic im writing and what I’ll be updating the most. It won’t be a super long fic (I think) so I want to finish it before I throw myself into my other projects. It’s been on a bit of a break after some family stuff (and eventually the holidays) but I’ll be back to it now that everything’s over.

Yet to be started/in progress/not posted:

Like Sun and Moon (byler dnd au and my biggest project.) this is a WIP and the only real proof of it existing other than my many pages on google docs are the posts on here c: they’re a bit outdated now since I’ve done a lot of revising but you’re still welcome to go search my main account (@existingonanotherplane)for it

Fake dating au pt 2??

Karen Wheeler is a lot of things but a loser isn’t one of them. So when an extended family member calls her bragging about her kids many achievements and how they’re bringing them along to a big family event, can you really blame her for trying to one up them? Aka, Karen tells the wheeler family a bunch of lies including one that so happens to be about her “super successful son dating his roommate and equally as successful best friend”

Byler Band Au (not the usual kind though) Mike is a sax player, Will plays trombone. They attempt to find each other through music. (It makes more since if I were to actually explain it lmbo but I’m trying not to ramble)

WillEl daycare au (more like youth center but they run it out of their house so-) it’s pretty self explanatory but The wonder-twins take care of kids after school and one of those kids happen to be one Holly Wheeler. Maybe Will is closer to getting a boyfriend than he thought.

Will Byers the interior designer attempts to design the Wheeler household. Also straightforward. Will is a popular interior designer and Karen is in need of something fresh in their home. They head out on a vacation and leave Mike to watch over the progress. He wasn’t expecting the guy to end up being his type. (This one honestly has a low chance of being written but I think the concept is silly so if anyone wants to give it a shot then go for it)

Literally send me asks on any of these or just anything in general. I want to talk about them so bad

Edit:

Oh my gosh! A linktree?? Who could’ve guessed :0

[sombervibez]

Dear 2023,

Its the month of June now meaning we are officially halfway through this year. The day im writing this is exactly one month from my 20th birthday. And 60 days prior in a desperate hopeful state i had made goals that i had to achieve but i haven't done even a single one of them. I blame mostly on me, my lack motivation and just a pile of excuses but some of it i blame on the situation around me. Its not the worst thing ever happened to a human but it is something heavily impacting me. Firstly something the end of last year and the beginning of this year brought on was a lost of friendship. A really special one because i had invested a lot. And i hate the way i feel rn. I do not want to make these walls anymore but i have to cause lord that friend broke a lot more i was trying to build. I can't confront that friend because it's so evident they want to leave and for the last bit of my sanity i do want to break in a sob before them. I hate how none of this matters to them at all while it's killing me from inside. I am trying to get over them but no one tells you how hard getting over a friendship can be. Worst part is i live with them and I'll have to stay for the next another year. Another one of my friends did something that broke me. I had vented to them about my concern but later on they sided on with someone else on the same issue. I do not know whether they tune me out or what but it did not help when i feel like everyone is going to betray me. Since we are still talking about my shit luck at friendships my best friend doesn't take me being bisexual seriously like idk and there have been incidents where i do not know what to say because i can't force my opinions on people and i just feel so fucking lonely all the time.

Secondly, in the family department, i met my family after 5 months it was long time. I love my family we have disagreements but regardless i love them and my dad just got a promotion and got transferred to this big city where his workload is a lot and his superiors are shit. He has lost the purpose of working and he so stressed and I'm just afraid of any negative impact on his health. I was there with my mom we moved to a new space bought stuff. He wants to resign from his job and i know this is selfish of me but I'm still studying and that's puts me in a place i never thought I'd be in. I have to an adult quickly i have to think about earning now rather than following my more altruistic and time consuming dreams. I love my dad with all my heart and if he wants to quit for his health i will support him but this a change for me i will have to change so much. And there are other things that i don't want to share of think of that makes situations worse.

I have brother who will soon get a job but the thing is he has slightly expensive tastes while i had to always settle for the cheap stuff or the hand me downs and idk for some reason when all of this is happening to me all at once i can't help but pity myself a little because I've always tried to be the good girl, i don't play around or do drugs, i listen to my parents and just i hate that in the time where i just wanted to be a teen for the last time I have all this going on.

This was my recap of this year until now. I hope the next 6 months are kinder to me and my family.

[underscorecc]

2.

ive reached another time where i feel like i need to vomit out all the shit thats been churning in my psyche. you know that feeling where you dont want to go to sleep because of this subtle sensation in your stomach? I think its dissatisfaction, both with myself and with the people around me.

the girl that i broke up with turned out to just be a hoe. She played w my heart and told me i was " the right guy at the wrong time" and that "she needed time to be single" and then immediately hopped onto some mid ass white dude LOL. anyways i fucking hate her guts. not cause she doesnt like me anymore, but because shes a damn liar. on a positive note it just means that little plot threat in my life has just been tied up, and now all i have to do is reconcile with the distrust for people that ive already been harboring, so nbd.

the ppl in my life kinda got me fucked up tho. right now i feel like theres no one genuinely there for me. I have a therapist, but you cant rlly get the level of intimacy with a therapist in the way youd have with family or friends. so right now i feel like i have nobody. my friends all suddenly seem extremely disinterested in talking to me. someone who i consider my best friend barely texts me and brushes off making plans and never reaches out. and my other friends just dont seem to really care or respond to me anymore. I get replies, but im not having conversations. it also seems like my mom is tired of me. shes even said it herself. she gets annoyed at a bunch of little things that i do. so i dont think id be wrong to assume ive become a nuisance rather than a valued family member.

it totally could be me. it totally could be them. it also totally could just be a series of unfortunate circumstances so ive been kinda torn trying to figure it out. I know im partially to blame. i can be overbearing and i dont know when to shut the fuck up. its hard for me to do genuine real talk anymore. I say "real talk" and then give advice to friends (probably unsolicited). but i never rlly talk about stuff that goes beyond skin deep. I talk about terrible moments in my life, like when i was sa'd or like something fucked up ive done, but its water under the bridge and doesnt rlly affect me anymore. i dont know, i just get the feeling that people will be repulsed if they see the real me. the me that is insecure and struggling and tired and angry. god im fucking angry, but im also so goddamn complacent, which is infinitely worse.

i am in the process of changing my life in a drastic way, which is needed. wont say how but it should shake things up in a good way. unfortunately its also partially a waiting game. so im stuck here in this in-between where i am given the privilege and honor of being alone with all of my thoughts!!!

i think i am having an identity crisis. I dont know what defines me anymore and i dont know who i want to be. ive thought about changing my name. im already changing what i wear (slightly). and weirdly enough even though i am a straight, cis dude, i occasionally have very very slight doubts about my sexuality and gender. its probably normal tho who knows.

I think this stems from a lack of masculinity in my life. having high free testosterone does not make me a man. being aggressive or stoic does not make me a man. but theres this concept of a real man in my head as something to aspire to be, but its an extremely vague and loose concept ive formed. despite being 20, i dont really see myself as a man. but im not a boy either. not to say im non binary. im just in this awkward in-between period. I wish i had a genuine masculine figure in my life who i could look up do. my dad is more like reddit atheist ben shapiro who debatelords me when he doesnt like me doing something. i dont live with him anymore so those problems are in the past, but the lack of a male role model is catching up to me, and its on me to define my own masculinity, but like fuckkkkkk i dont think ur supposed to do this by urself.

i been feeling mad weak. i always was a pussy on leg day and its showing now that i havent been to the gym for months. it really makes me feel pathetic. that 15% increase in struggle for things that i used to pick up with ease is really shameful, or embarrassing, or idk. it just fucking sucks. I want to be a strong person who cannot be surmounted, like a legendary dragon. But at the same time i dont know if these desires are my own or some responsibility i put onto myself as a means to gain social acceptance. its probably something i should put thought into when im eating enough and actually going to the gym, but i think ive been holding off because i feel so pathetic.

its a brutal cycle too. I feel pathetic from prior experiences where ive been demeaned (so a lot) -> i feel i dont have the grit or willpower to do something -> i try something thinking ill fail or just avoid it outright -> i feel pathetic. shit sucks ass.

anyways word vomit over thats p much it

[bpd-angelcake]

guess who's back 🙃

tw: lots of ed mention

hi lol where do I even begin first off like... lmao every time I come back on this blog I think of that one ask that I got that was like "do u come back on here when things are bad??" and no lmao not always

life hasn't been bad it's just been busy im always busy i work a full time job and my social life has been the busiest it's ever been and im thankful because I love my irl friends so much and I do love my job as annoying as it can be and idk things aren't bad. they're not.

but I know my mental health hasn't been the best lately and I can't even blame my bpd. I had a really bad episode at the beginning of February and I tried pushing all my friends away because I thought they were over me and didn't take me seriously and they all came back to me literally crying wondering what was wrong and I felt so shitty and they don't know I have bpd (I don't talk about it in person unless we're going to date because I hate when people perceive me a certain way once they find out I'm not normal lmao) so we had to get in a circle and talk it out it was so rough but honestly I have never felt more secure in a friend group before in my life it makes me so sick thinking about it because idk what I'd do if anything were to change but whatever.

but idk I was doing so good with myself I was on top of my skincare and keeping my room clean and following through with things and idk everything just fell through the cracks and I feel like I have no control over anything in my life once more. I'm trying so hard to be better but it's hard. I just started saving money again because I spent so much of it the past few months and I'm so disappointed with how bad my spending got and it wasn't even for a good reason lol so I am trying I promise but ugh I feel like I was up there!! and I'm back at rock bottom.

Another thing that's been bugging me a lot is my weight too... back in 2020 I was so thin and I looked good and I had done it the right way by dieting and exercising but covid came and I got into that toxic relationship and I gained so much weight back and I look in the mirror and I am so disgusted with myself and I hate it. I see all these cute plus size girls on social media and I literally love them and think they're so beautiful but I look at myself and I can't even deal. I have to be a bridesmaid for a wedding in October and im dreading it because I'm going to look so bad....

I ordered a cosplay a few months ago and it came a week ago and it didn't even fit 🙃 I almost had a full mental breakdown about it and tbh I am 90% sure it ran small (not cutting myself slack because I know I'm fat but I also know how to measure clothes) but it made me so upset I literally relapsed and I've barely eaten this whole week. I tried to eat a spoonful of rice because I was so lightheaded the second it touched my mouth I threw it up.

And now I feel so fucking lame because I'll go on edtwt and see these girls posting their stuff and they're all in their teens and it's like.... I'm in my 20's dude I shouldn't be doing this shit anymore but I do and I hate it because it's all I know and it's so comforting because I'm literally a professional at it like I know all the tips and tricks I know what to do when I accidentally binge I know how to curb cravings and what excuses to say when I don't want to eat in front of people it's so sad because I thought I was over this but I guess not.

I haven't weighed myself yet, I was going to do it tomorrow but ugh all I need is to see that number go down or else I might kill myself because I can't do this anymore!!!! this is my life I feel like I'm 14 again in the worse way. IDK I might start posting more about it (with tags ofc) so if that's not your thing I understand but it's all I have to make me feel better and I'm not looking for advice I'm not looking for tips I just want to vent and if you're going to judge me do it kindly please lmao bye

[harleyquinn199622]

Mental Health journey day 1

So back a few years ago i wasnt a very happy person at all and i was just at the point where i wanted to end it and im not going to lie i did attempt it. I texted my exs mom and told her i believe i did something wrong that i might not live through. She ran upstairs and got my ex and they both ran downstairs to me and called 911 tried keeping me cooperating till the ambulance came. When the ambulance did come they did rush me to the hospital and gave my ex the choice to pump my stomach or drink charcoal both choices where hard for her to make and she asked her mom what she would be the better route for me. They gave me the charcoal to drink and kept me overnight for evualations and to talk to a therapist. When the therapist came in that next morning to talk to me they asked me if it was safe for me to go home or if i wanted to stay. i should have stayed cause my ex didnt make things easy for me she blamed me for everything never taking action on her actions it was always my fault. As the year moved on i tried again and again cause i was just done with everything she had it where i couldnt even talk to my friends and family which destroyed me even more cause when i was at my lowest i was alone. December came by and it started getting physical and then we finally broke up but everything was turned on me and it was all my fault that everything happened the way it did. So during the breakup i wanted to end my life and i tried. I spent the night alone at the hospital and when they relased me i got in touch my family to move back home cause i couldnt be around her anymore it just kept pushing me to want to die cause of the way she made me feel. I moved back home and it was the best thing for me i got the helped i needed in order to get better for myself and others. She would try and contact me but i would only talk to her to get my stuff. She sent some of my stuff but withheld alot of it. I got to the point and didnt care anymore cause the stuff was replaceable but i wasnt. It took me a bit to get myself better but it was the best thing to do.

As i continue my journey day by day i will be talking about my mental health as it makes me feel better blogging about it i am not asking for sympathy just need to get it out so i can talk about it finally.

[geckobrains]

i am trying, i swear to god that im trying. i hope you can believe that, i know with my track record maybe its hard to. i will continue to live.

to everyone that left because they couldnt keep waiting for me to get better any longer: i dont blame you, you were right to do so and i hold no ill will towards you. i have made a lot of people wait an awful long time, and i know sometimes you just cant wait anymore. ive done it to others who i couldnt wait for either.

to anyone who has managed to stick around: thank you, but please know its not necessary, and you are still within your right to leave because i know its still gonna be a while before my shit is together.

im still going to live, but for the next little while im going to have to settle with "just getting by". just another of 1 million "transitional periods". at the very least im going to try to maintain myself so i dont go down again. so im probably not gonna be fully happy but also no longer fully miserable, if i can help it. taking care of myself just enough that i can be in a stable state of "just okay". okay is good enough, sometimes. good enough for now, at least.

i hope i can maybe find a little more to live for again. unfortunately while id love to put some eggs back in the "love is everything" basket, i cant really do that right now. deep down i still love love and i love loving but right now with the way things are its best not to be the focus of things. the "love is everything" basket is great but unfortunately doesnt account for my own borderline personality disorder lol. probably stuff's mostly gonna be in the "self preservation" & "keeping my promise to keep my cat safe" baskets (with a teeny bit in the "spite" basket too).

& again i ramble. oh well, i always ramble. everybody knows it. but that's all for now.

[kdipshit]

Hard Knock Life ;

I’ve spent years trying to weed through this mess in my head, but it’s getting so clean now, It’s like the cord of thoughts in my brain was hiding some pretty cool stuff under it, pretty dope realisations. Yanno I didn’t go outside and run or walk or workout because my mum would laugh at the people who did that. I wouldn’t speak up because my mother would judge those who did. How can I say this without sounding like I’m an ungrateful daughter who doesn’t like her mum, that’s not true, that the furthest thing from the truth. I love my mother and I don’t blame her, I don’t even think I knew enough to even piece it all together. I feel like im making no sense, but im trying to read this damn chord but it’s hard. I feel like right now, im actually sick so maybe it’s the best time to talk about the rotten seeds imbedded in my brain, I’ve got a headache, im nauseous as fuck, im kinda high a little bit so im not in as much pain, my headaches aren’t fkn normal they’re fat fkn migraines that effects my neck, eye, temple, shoulder, jaw, sometimes it makes my teeth hurt or like they’re falling out lol, it’s pain I can’t open my eyes my vision goes black it’s so dramatic and so fitting for a BPD bitch lmao.

Anyways, I think that convo was getting a little like fucked up so I needed to get my mind off it, idk man I feel like I’m just rambling, I’m thinking too much about the reader and not shifting my attention back to just writing.

I have an appointment with my drug & alcohol Therapist tomorrow and like ugh. I’m feeling sick so it automatically makes me not want to go, she has only asked me of one thing, and that’s to sort my licence out, and do you think I’ve done that? No I haven’t done that, because idk why. I forgot. Like idk why I didn’t go do my licence, I guess I don’t fucking care that much. I don’t feel good today mannn, but I did still do my morning routine, most of it, which just consists on me cleaning my room, making my bed, putting music on and taking my meds lol, I’m back in bed now, but I still feel good and super grateful because my room is clean, my meds are taken, and I don’t really have to worry about anything else until a little later, I’ve given myself the space to chill, which I need sick she’s a sick girl. Oh yeah I applied for a job yesterday like full on went into the shop and handed my resume. I’m excited for the response. Sick of waiting for this other bullshit job, hours are better and it’s closer than my old job and my old job was literally 1km away.

I feel like my mum dropped me, not like physically, but she dropped her association with me when I was like 13-14 she kind of gave up on me and just let me run wild in my own brain, with no help or direction on where to go. She didn’t wanna talk to me about anything, she didn’t wanna hear anything from me, she didn’t care how I felt, what was going on at school, she didn’t care about me, or didn’t make it feel like she did, so I got a boyfriend who I became extremely codependent towards. My mum ignored me, for years, and didn’t talk to me unless we got drunk together, for years, I’m talking like 10 years she left me alone, it was awkward to talk to her, it was horrible, I missed a ghost it felt like, I missed her but I didn’t even know her.

Y’all I know I said goodbye but I’m soul tied to this man. I can’t let him go and I’m a freak for holding on still, thats how I feel, the last thing he said to me was how beautiful I am, and how much he loves me, so why is it so fucking horrible. Why does this feel so horrible, I shouldn’t reach out, thats not what I should do. Not anymore, I make myself look like an idiot, and all these thoughts are just so silly to me. But I miss him, and I don’t know if its because he’s my favourite person, or because he’s the only person to ever get that closet me… like he knows me in a way no one else can, I wouldn’t let them anyway…. I landed a job interview with a company I’m really enjoying, I don’t want to go because its a far journey, and its all too new, I just wish I had ‘him to talk to right now. I just wanna talk. It always turns into an argument, I miss him. ha. I do, I miss him, I still see him everywhere, I see him in me, I see him in everyone, and all the songs that are playing are song I was singing when we were together, yang, all that r&b shit, wee belong together by Mariah Carey just started playing, like, fuck off. Am I not tormented enough? I cant see myself with anyone else, and if that means I’m single forever then I’ve accepted that, and I’m okay with that, no one compares to my first love. And I’m not sick and tired anymore, I’m okay with that, I can understand that, and I’m okay. I guess he’s just a character that lives in my head, and thats the only way I can make peace with not being with him. Maybe he doesn’t even exist? Maybe he’s in a happy relationship, maybe I don’t even love him and I’m just in a mood swing, maybe im in love with someone else, maybe I’m in love with someone I can’t be with BECAUSE I can’t be with them, maybe I’m meant to be with someone else. Idk. Because I have loved after him, and some even more intense than my favourite person, but with my FP, I just don’t know….. I’m bound. Not for too much longer now… surely. I am so ready to let this go, soooooo ready. Omg, I still have his ring in my draw I gave him as a promise ring, he got me one swell, I know we were so married, anyways I still have his ring. Idk where it is but I know its hidden somewhere, that ring is my goodbye. I’ve always known it thats why I kept it. Just like I kept my goodbye from him for so long. The ultimate disrespect to myself. I was open for him for this long, my very first love, my first everything, it was 100% a relationship that was more grown than we were, way more grown. we were acting and living like we were so much older than we were. We were pretty locked in. And it was okay with me because I was following in my parents footsteps, young love, the seriousness, all the ugly. I accepted it all, and I loved all of him, for everything he was inside and out. ill always have love stored away somewhere for him, but choppitty chop chop Jesus Christ its HURTINGGGGGG MEEEEEEE. How??! gahh damnnn I’m tryinggg….. why don’t you fucking do it lmaooo, okay okay okay your right. Were gonna do it together girlie, aswell as let go of the anger I have towards my mother, since it all came out at the same time. Ugh, my counsellor told me to be honest tho so I am. I’m so much stronger than this, holding onto all of this bull fucking shit. I don’t need to hold onto anything, at all. The only thing that exist is this moment right now, thats it and thats all. Consciousness feels pretty trippy btw. Idk why I said that, I think I went into the void of the moment, lmao. Its good to not have to think or feel for use a little bit, everything disappears. All my problems leave, all my overthinking.

He kept me in line, and told me off, he guided me, he helped me, he loved me he cared for me. I can do all of that myself. If its really that, that I want. I guess I’m lonely, and he’s the only other person who can cure that for me. I feel a sensation of completeness when I’m talking to him, no matter the topic, or argument. I forgive him, and I let him go, please.

I love all my ex’s lol, not gonna lie, they all made me so crazy for them, all my ex FP’s , LMFAO, no one does it better, I wanna say I miss having a FP but I don’t, except for that one fkn FP that won’t loosen its grip on my mind, I’ve learned to live with him, its peaceful sometimes, but its still a fucking parasite. I’ve also decided I’m not going to take that job with that cool company in the city, its too far, ill keep an eye out for the other job I wrote a whole cover letter for. The universe has given me options and I am so thankful for that. Thank you thank you thank you. For everything, for it all <3 I was trying to whack the weeds out without looking at them in the eye, how rude.

[goldengoddess]

you’re my home - kaz brekker

pairing: kaz brekker x heartrenderi!reader

request: hi!can i request a kaz brekker x reader where they were childhood friends but she had to leave because she was a grisha, and later at the fete they see each other again and she ends up helping the crows?thank you!!have a great day!

a/n: hey i hope this is what you like! i based it more off the show and just switched things around,,,, this is absolutely cheesy and i hate it and i didn’t know how to end it pls forgive me omg

warnings: normal heist stuff, like one curse word?

kaz brekker had changed since the last time you saw him. 

to start, he was taller. he’d grown at least two feet. he’d also grown into himself, he didn’t look like the lanky boy that you had once pulled out of the garbage can that one time. and he had a noticeable limp, something that he hadn’t had when the two of you had last talked. his clothes were different too, he was wearing a little palace guards uniform. 

but you knew who he was anyways. 

his voice was the same, the same comforting sound that invaded your dreams on a good night and had you screaming on a bad night. when you heard him whispering you whipped your head around in panic. he was leaning down talking to suli girl in hushed and angry tones. 

when had he become a palace guard? you wondered to yourself, how hadn’t you noticed before? why was he in ravka of all places?

a silly thought came into your head, was he looking for you?

but you pushed the thought away, moving close enough to listen but not to get caught. 

“take your position” you heard him say to the girl, also in guards uniform.

she moved away silently, too silently. 

kaz straightened himself and surely enough turned his head in your direction.

his eyes were also the same. they were the same color the same look. but they were hardened and cold. the eyes of a boy who had done everything too survive. even the things that he didn’t want to do. 

his face was shocked for only a fraction of a second before he regained his composure and faced the rest of the room. standing straight and poised like any of the other palace guards.

had he not recognized you? no, that couldn’t be it. the two of you had grown up together, yes you had changed but not enough that he wouldn’t know who you were. maybe he resented you. for leaving. for being grisha. for having been taken away and saved from the streets of ketterdam unlike him. 

you remembered the day they had taken you away.

you and kaz were huddled in the corner of the room away from the rest of the kids your age. 

the two of you were been inseparable. stuck together like glue, everyone said.

both of you worked the shitty jobs in the barrel. the ones no one else wanted to do. you ran around the streets delivering packages and messages. you would clean up anything that needed cleaning. the two of you were survivors.

kaz never talked about his brother or how he’d ended up working the streets like this, but you knew, even then as a little kid, you were all he had. 

but nothing good ever lasted for little kaz brekker.

when the grisha examiners landed in the harbor of the city, all of the children running around making trouble on the street were forced to get tested.

you and kaz weren’t any different. 

you tried to hold onto him as the adults gripped to your arm, testing your for abilities in the small science. when they determined that you were grisha, and promised you a wonderful life at the little palace, they had to rip you from kaz’s arms.

the both of you were wailing and protesting, saying that you wouldn't go anywhere without the other. but eventually the fight left you and you let them drag you away from your only family to a country you didn’t know 

you snapped back to the reality of the party going on around you. kaz still looked stoic and unphased a few feet away from you, as if your presence didn’t affect him at all. 

but his presence affected you tremendously. 

you had whined and cried when you first made it to the palace but you had loved your life here. being surrounded by other grisha, other heartrenderers. people who could do the same things as you. understood the need to use your powers. and you couldn’t deny how comforting it had been to settle into a life where you didn’t have to worry about whether you could make enough money to eat. 

you thought of kaz all the time. you thought of everything you had left behind but the only thing that had really mattered to you in that horrible place was kaz. you wondered what had become of the young boy you knew in the years since you had seen him.

just as you were about to make a move to talk to him, two squallers were storming in the direction of kaz and the silent girl he had been talking too before. 

the two of them shared a look and started walking in opposite directions. kaz walked past you, sparing you the fastest look ever. a look no one else would have even noticed. but you did because kaz brekker, your child hood best friend was finally in front of you. 

the hurried and suspicious steps of your fellow grisha, set off an alarm in your head. even when the two fo you were little, kaz was good at getting out of sticky situations. he has a gift for scheming and the sleight of hand.

he was here on a job, you concluded.

you waited a few seconds and then snuck away, following kaz out of the room where the main events of the fete were taking place. 

you walked in just in time to see the inferni make a move to attack kaz. you raised your arms and the grisha dropped like a stone. kaz turned around in a fighting stance and froze when he saw you. he kept his hands in fists, as if he was waiting for you to attack him too. 

you dropped you hands, “what are you doing here kaz?”

he dropped his hands as well but you could tell he was still on guard and looking for a way to leave the room.

"i don't have to explain myself to you” he all but growled at you.

you stepped away from him, like his words had physically wounded you.

he seemed to regret the words and took a couple of steps closer to you. 

“i’m here on a job and i really need to go find my team so if you’ll excuse me” he tried to move to the door that was behind you. 

“let me help” you said, almost desperate. he had just come back into your life, and yes it seemed like he resented you but you couldn’t let him go just yet. 

he looked at you skeptically but nodded his head, “i need to get to the courtyards with the carriages. can you take me there.”

you nodded and started leading the way. you turned through many different hallways, moving up and downstairs. every now and then you held up a hand for kaz to stop, as you listened for a heartbeat nearby. 

“you’re good at that” he mumbled, gesturing towards your heartrender movements. 

you nodded your head, a shy smile. “yeah i’ve had a lot of practice here.”

his face turned gloomy at that and you realized you had said the wrong thing. “yeah. i know” he said curtly. 

you stopped for a minute, turning to look at kaz in the dimly lit hallway.

“i’m sorry i left okay? i know it hurt you, i can only imagine how much it must have sucked. it was horrible here at first, i missed you every day. but i will not apologize for enjoying myself here and taking advantage of what i was taught. i like it here. i have friends, and a life, and im good at what i do and i will not allow you to make me feel bad about that.” you said all in one breath.

kaz didn’t say anything, choosing to look down at the floor instead of you. 

you sighed and took a step closer to him, you noticed he still wore the black gloves similar to the first pair that you had stolen for him when you two were younger.

“kaz,” you said, your voice shaking, “i missed you so much. i still miss you and you’re standing right in front of me. i get why you hate me but i really don’t want you to. so that’s why i’m helping you, that’s why i’m going to get you out of here without getting caught.” 

you turned on your heel, prepared to continue to lead him away. but before you could get away he grabbed your hand and spun you back around. 

he flinched at his own action and let go.

“i don’t hate you y/n. i get why you enjoyed yourself here, this over a life of petty and dangerous crime? of course this is the better opportunity but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when you left.”

you bit your lip and nodded your head in understanding. 

he looked directly into your eyes, “i knew you would be here but i thought, hey what are the chances of actually running into you. having to see you happy and having to live with the fact that i never came to look for you.”

you took a step closer to him, “kaz i don’t blame you for not coming to get me, i wouldn’t have wanted you to anyway.”

he looked at you and for the first time he looked desperate. kaz brekker was never desperate. and if he was, he didn’t show it.

“come home with us” he said.

you raised your eye brows in surprise.

“come home with me” he corrected, looking at the wall to avoid your eyes

it was the same voice he had used all those years ago, when he was begging for you to stay. he wanted to you stay with him. to come home. to go back to the place that had broke kaz and would probably have broken you.

but it was kaz.

but ketterdam wasn’t your home anymore.

kaz had been your home, but was he still?

the two of you stayed silent. there was still so much the two of you needed to say. how you had probably loved him as a kid. how you probably loved him now. how you regretted never writing, never trying. how you missed ketterdam. how this place would be perfect if kaz was here with you. but there wasn’t enough time or courage to say those things.

so instead, you raised your arms in your fighting grisha stance and smiled at him.

“how about we get you out of here first and then we can decide is i become a fugitive of ravka to go play crime boss in ketterdam?” you teased.

he almost gave you a grin and you continued walking, a new found peace settled between the two of you.

kaz brekker in the little palace, who should have thought.

[honeymilkk00]

Haikyuu Boys: You Flinch

Pt 2

@silver-argent​ :  Hii! I super looooove the way you wrote Haikyuu Boys: You flinch, perfect amount of angst to fluff! Are you taking requests? If you are, will you please do a Sakusa and Kenma? the you flinch. It's okay if you don't tho! I'll still look forward to your works!❤❤

tysm for the encouraging words!! my requests are open and im more than happy to do Sakusa and Kenma jewbjkew. i hope you enjoy. i'm literally so tired and just wanted to finally get this out <3

characters:

-sakusa

-kenma

___________________________

Sakusa

Dating Sakusa was the last thing you ever thought would happen to you. He filled your days and nights with such love and passion. You had broken through his stoic and cold shell and had seen him for who he truly was deep inside- a loving partner through and through.

Of course, old habits die hard. Since he had spent years of his life being a reserved person, only putting up with his family and teammates, he still was very hesitant when it came to affection. Sometimes all he wanted to do was to be alone with his thoughts and nothing else. It hurt to see him like that, knowing that no matter what, you couldn’t help him, but you understood and gave him the time he needed.

Five months into yours and his relationship had lead to a few disputes, but nothing too serious. He was a prideful, headstrong man which lead to you having to bite your tongue during arguments and keep your snarky words to yourself, refusing to let them slip off the tip of your tongue. If they did, the argument would escalate. 

You loved Sakusa for everything he was, bad parts and good, but sometimes he was too much. 

And, that’s how you were here, biting your lip harshly as you stare at him, refusing to let your anger get the best of you. 

Sakusa had been coming home quite late due to volleyball practise, but it got to the stage where you were scared that he was doing to overwork himself and injure himself. Instead of letting it slide, you confronted him about it and suggested that he should take some time to let his body heal from the strenuous training regimen that he was doing. It seemed that Sakusa wasn’t in the best of moods and had snapped at you, shooting abhorrent words towards you as if you were nothing but a pile of shit, accusing you of restricting him from reaching his full potential and trying to turn him away from volleyball because you were too clingy for his liking. 

“Fucking hell (Y/N), you’re so fucking clingy! Just because you’re an attention whore and want me to worship you doesn’t mean you can try and take me away from what I love doing. You’re so fucking obsessive it’s driving me crazy!” Sakusa bellowed and clenched his hands together, his nails digging into his hands. 

Taking a deep breath to keep yourself as calm as possible, you spoke in a soft tone, “Omi, I’m not trying to keep you from anything. I just think you should rest your body before you overwork yourself and become ill or injure yourself. I know you want to improve but that can happen gradually over time. I doesn’t need to happen all at once.” You murmured and gently placed a hand on his, trying to reassure him.

Letting out a deep, angered growl, Sakusa pulled away from your grip harshly and pushed your hand away, “don’t fucking touch me! You’re fucking disgusting! All you do is hold me down and try and control my life, you obsessive pest!” He hollered out.

His words ripped open your chest and stabbed you in the heart repeatedly. You felt like you were choking on your own heartbeat. It hurt knowing that your lover found you disgusting. A strong feeling of rage surged through your veins. “How fucking dare you, Sakusa! I’ve done nothing but tried to help you and all you do is treat me like shit. Every time we argue I have to bite my tongue because I know that if I retaliate, you’ll just get even more angry. I can’t express how I feel to you anymore and I feel as if I don’t matter in this relationship. If you want to overwork yourself and injure yourself then fine, go ahead, but don’t blame me for saying I told you so after it’s happened!”

His eyes narrowing at your words, Sakusa swiftly turned to glare at you and raised his fist, poking your chest aggressively, “Fine, I will then because I’m not letting you control me anym-” He paused mid sentence, his eyes widening when he noticed you flinching when he raised his hand. Slowly, he lowered his hand and dropped them at his sides. Your shaking figure made his heart clench painfully tight. “(Y/N) I-”

“I can’t do this anymore, Sakusa.” You voice whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear. Tears rolled down your cheeks and you sniffled quietly. “I can’t handle this pain anymore. I can’t handle feeling like I’m walking on egg shells with you. I can’t handle being afraid of how you’ll react when I speak about how I feel. I just can’t do this anymore.” You voice got quieter and quieter the more you spoke. Looking up at Sakusa, you swallowed thickly. “I can’t do us anymore.” 

Sakusa was frozen, watching you carefully. It was deathly silent. The only sound he could hear was the sound of his heartbeat beating rapidly. 

“I’ll pick up my things tomorrow. I’m going to stay at Atsumu’s for the night.” You whispered and turned away, heading towards the front door. 

A small, almost whine-like noise left Kiyoomi’s mouth. He reached out and clasped your hand gently, tears forming in the corner’s of his eyes. “Please.” He begged quietly.

Looking back at the man you loved, your heart shattered into small pieces when you noticed his dampened eyes. Never had you seen him cry before. “What is it?” You asked quietly, biting the inside of your cheek.

Sakusa pulled you in tightly for a hug and pressed his lips against your cheek gently. “Please don’t leave. Please please please… I’m so so sorry (Y/N).. I didn’t mean anything I said. I love you and I’m grateful for everything you do for me. I’ve just had a really bad day. Please I love you. Please don’t leave. You’re my baby... “ He pleaded softly and held you tightly, as if afraid that you’d disappear if he let go. 

Letting out a sigh, you caved in. You were still mad at him but at the end of the day, you loved Kiyoomi more than anything else. You would give up everything for his happiness. “Kiyoomi...” You whispered softly and then turned around so you were face to face with him. Gently cupping his cheeks, you sighed, “I love you so so much Kiyoomi... But you can’t say stuff like that to me even if you’ve had a bad day. You really really hurt me even though I was just trying to look out for you.” You explained and frowned softly, kissing his tears that resided in the corner of his eyes. 

Pressing his lips softly against your hands that rested on his face, he let out a shaky breath that he didn’t realise he was holding, “I know... I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I promise I’ll do better..” He whispered gently and pressed his nose into your hair lovingly. “I love you so much...”

Leaning in closer to Sakusa, you inhaled his scent, “I love you too, Omi..”

He never wanted to see you flinch like that again.

________________________

Kenma

Kenma was an erudite genius when it came to the art of strategy. His deep understanding of the game and the unspoken pledge to win is what drove him forward and kept him reaching, grasping, clutching for new strategic idea that would leave his opponents breathless.

For days, maybe even weeks, on end, Kenma would be researching, training, and repeating the process until he felt confident in his methodology that would be used in a game. Thus, led to a breakdown. After weeks of undereating, lack of sleep, training beyond his physical capabilities, and his mental strain thinking of ways to defeat the opposing team, Kenma was at his wits’ end. 

As his partner, you immediately noticed the changes in his personality. Of course, concern was your initial reaction and you were somewhat frightened of irritating him more, but you knew you had to confront him about his lack of self care. Seeing him train during lunch and falling asleep in lessons led you to realise how hard he was working himself. 

So, after school you managed to pull him to one side before he proceeded to train at the club. A frown was present on your lips and you took a deep breath. Looking at him now hurt a lot: his eyebags had considerably increased since the last time you saw him; you could now see physically where he had lost weight from undereating for weeks; his eyes seemed a lot duller; his body slouched over slightly, as if it was begging for a break. It was agony to see your partner slowly harm his body and mind like this.

"Kenma, just know I love you so much and I understand that volleyball means a lot to you right now since it's your final year with your team as you know it with Kuroo as captain, but look at yourself. You're not taking care of yourself at all. You aren't helping you or your teammates by undereating and not sleeeping." You murmured gently, taking Kenma's hands in your own. You knew that you had to be careful and not push your boyfriend, but you couldn't let it continue.

Kenma simply frowned at your words and pulled his hand away from yours, "(Y/N), I don't need your lecturing. I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself. I don't need you." He hissed out and turned his back on you, proceeding to head to practise. He had no time to waste on pointless conversations.

(Y/N) grinded their teeth together, their heart aching slightly at the harsh words, "I'm not lecturing you, Kenma! I'm doing what a s/o should do and I'm looking out for you! Please just take a small break before you overdo it!" You hallooed, as if that would make the words sink in.

Vexed, Kenma turned around with a deep scowl on his face, "Why don't you just back off, (Y/N)!? I don't care about you right now, all I care about is me and my teammates winning this game!" He shrieked, which caused you to trip back and swallow thickly.

A small whimper escape your lips and tears formed in the corners of your eyes as you flinched. You were normally fine with Kenma's salty attitude, but he never usually shouted at you. Taking a shaky breath, you looked at your boyfriend dead in the eyes, "fine! Do what you want to do! Since you don't care about me I won't bother anymore! Don't you fucking dare come running to me when you overwork yourself and can't handle it anymore!" You retorted and turned away.

Kenma's eyes widened slightly at your words as he watched you turn away. "Wait...." He whispered out, his hand reaching towards yours. Lightly, he grasped your wrist and sighed, pulling you close and burying his head in your shoulder. "'M sorry... I'm just so stressed..." Tears brimmed his eyes and he sniffled softly. "I didn't mean it..."

Letting out a soft sigh, your shoulders relaxed and you pulled your lover in for a cuddle. "I know you didn't mean it baby... But remember your health comes first, volleyball after." You whispered and gently stroked his hair. He simply nodded in response and hugged you tighter.

Maybe you both could work things out. You just need to learn to communicate more.

[ambria]

everytime // Sirius Black

Sweetener x Marauders

play ‘everytime’ by Ariana Grande <3

pairing: sirius black x reader

word count: 2.3k ✨

warnings: angst, fluff at the end, mentions of drinking, under-age drinking, partying, depression?, mentions of drugs and drug use, someone trying to take advantage on the drunk reader, crying? Let me know if I missed something.

This also might have a few time jumps

A/N: I wrote this in 1st person but I feel like I should make these in 3rd so that’s what I’ll start doing. But this is also my first time making a one-shot fic so cut me some slack if it’s trash. But I hope you enjoy!

I get tired of your no-shows

Taking in the warmth through my fingers I look at the door once more before glancing at the clock.

He’s late. Again

I take a deep breath to cool down my nerves and sigh. I sip the rest of my butterbeer before looking at the entrance once more and packing my stuff and walking out. I look around once more before giving up and walking back to the castle.

You get tired of my control

As I’m walking back I start to get more irritated by the step. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Always too busy to hang out because of him with his friends or too busy because of pranks. The missed dates and the interrupted times. All for his friends. I’m clearly not a priority in his life and that has to change or I’m not going to be in it.

Walking through the castle I collect my thoughts on how I’m gonna approach this situation. But since I’m so pissed off, I’m gonna take an angry approach.

I walk up to the gryffindor common room and say the password before walking in.

As I stepped into the common room, lo and behold, the marauders spread on the couches talking loudly and laughing. Seeing that made my blood boil. As I walk over I catch the attention of the brunet,

“Y/N!!!!! Hey!!!” The Potter boy called out. I gave a weak smile. Which caught the attention of my boyfriend.

“Hey, babe.” He smiled at me. I internally roll my eyes and keep an emotionless face on. At this point all the attention from the boys is on me.

“Hey. Can we talk?” In the corner of my eye I can see Remus and James glance at each other and look worriedly at Sirius. Yeah. They know better.

“Uhh. Sure. About what?” This time I rolled my eyes. I ignore his question and grab his hand before dragging him up to his dorm.

We enter and I close the door before leaning on it. He goes and sits on the foot on his bed.

“What do you want to talk about? We were in the middle of planning.” Bouncing his knee, I can tell he’s getting impatient and just wants this to hurry up and be done with this. I get even more annoyed at this.

“What do you want to talk about? We were in the middle of planning.”- I mocked him- “This is exactly what I’m talking about! You’re always busy! Doing this and doing that!” I start to raise my voice. My face starts to heat up due to my anger. I try to calm down but it doesn’t seem to be working.

He opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off,

“Where were you today?! I was waiting for you! For our date that YOU literally planned!” His eyes widened with realization and looked at me with a guilty face. But I’m too pissed off to care.

My eyes start to water with tears of frustration but I’m nowhere near done,

“Everytime I want to hang out you’re always busy with your friends and pranks! You never have time for me anymore!” At this point tears are streaming down my face and Sirius doesn’t look that far behind.

“This is the third date you missed! Because you forgot! I’m done with being second best. Im probably not even that!” He has his head down, hands on his knees.

“I—I-I” he stutters out what I think is going to be some wack apology. But I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.

“No. I’m done.” As soon as I said those words his head shot up fast and looked at me with wide eyes.

“No-” he goes to protest but I cut him off again.

“No I can’t do this. Not anymore. This has gone on for too long. You need to fix your priorities. I hope you don’t treat another girl like this. I’m breaking up with you, Sirius.” I don’t wait for a reply and I simply walk out of the door and walk back down to the common room, wiping my tears.

They keep telling me to let go

As I make it to the common room I notice the boys are still there. They see me and go to talk but a loud sound cuts them off. Items getting thrown around, is what I guessed it to be.

We all freeze and guilt washes over me. It’s Sirius.

But I don’t really let go when I say so

I turn my head to the staircase with a sad expression before brushing it off.

I had to. I deserve better. I thought to myself.

I look over to the boys to see that they have worried but knowing expressions on their faces. I gave them weak smiles and walked away to my dorm.

I keep giving people blank stares

Drama travels fast around here at Hogwarts. So it wasn’t long until word got out that infamous Sirius Black was single again and back on the market.

My friends are starting to get worried about me because of my reaction to the breakup, or lack thereof. I know how to keep my emotions buried. I know it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism but I refuse to be sad over a boy who treated me like shit.

I’m so different when your not there

What they don’t know is that I cry myself to sleep. Everyday. I close my curtains around my bed and put a silencing spell around it and sob. For hours. It’s pretty sad.

But I keep my neutral face on for everyone else. From what I know Sirius isn’t doing much better. He’s just more open about his broken heart. Lily tells me he mopes around and doesn’t speak much anymore. Let alone prank anyone.

Everytime she tells me about him being sad it makes me want to run out the room and find him to cuddle with him and kiss him and apologize profusely for the break up.

But I remind myself that it’s not my fault and that I deserve better.

It’s like something out of Shakespeare

Because I’m really not here when you’re not there

I tried to fight our energy

It's been three months since the break up and I have developed some pretty bad habits.

I’ve secretly been drinking to numb the pain. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to stop.

Once all my roommates are sleeping I drink by myself on my bed. It helped in the beginning but now I can’t stop.

I’ve perfected my fake smile so no one could tell the difference. Well one person did, but I was unaware.

I’m in a deep depression and I have no one to talk to. None of my friends know, I can’t tell them. They won’t understand.

Meanwhile,

“Pads, you can’t keep moping around. She’s moved on, you should too.”

“No, I can’t. I still love her.” Sirius said but due to him being face first on his pillow it came out muffled.

“Well then you’re going to have to work your way to get her back. Show her you’ve changed.” The werewolf suggested to his friend.

“Really?” He picks his head up to face his friends, red and puffy eyes with a hopeful expression.

They nod.

But everytime I think I’m free

As the weeks pass I start to receive notes and letters with little flowers attached to them. I know they are from Sirius but I can’t seem to open them and read. It’s too hard and I’m not ready yet.

You get high and call on the regular

Once I reach my empty dorm I run to my trunk and collect all the saved letters. I place them on my bed and chuck my shoes off before climbing on my bed while getting comfortable.

I sort the letter from how I received them. I slowly open the first one,

Dear y/n,

Looking at us now I regret a lot of things.

I don’t blame you for not seeing us together in the future.

I was horrible, but for you I am willing to change. No. I will change.

You deserve so much better and if you let me I could be that person.

But I have to fix myself in order for that to happen.

If you're willing I would love to have another chance.

forever yours,

Sirius

As I finish reading my eyes are cloudy with tears. I continue to read all of the letters.

And by the end of it I’m sobbing.

I get weak and fall like a teenager

I knew it was a bad idea to read those letters. Because after that I am ready to run back into his arms and express my love. But I can’t until I know that he’s changed.

I deserve better. I keep telling myself that.

Why, oh why does God keep bringing me back to you?

Everytime I see him now I try to avoid him. Everytime he’s in a room, I leave. Everytime class is over I run out before he gets the chance to talk to me.

Because I know if I take one look into his beautiful stormy gray eyes I will fall all over again. And that can’t happen.

I deserve better.

I get drunk, pretend that I’m over it

It’s Friday night and today is the big Gryffindor party. Being stressed with liquor and drugs is not a good combo but I haven’t been safe these past couple of months.

I’m in my dorm room getting ready. I decide on a natural glam look with a bold red lip and a black satin body con dress with some black heels.

As I’m walking down the stairs, I can hear the music blasting and the red led lights are turned on. I part from my friends and immediately head to the liquor table. As I’m walking I fail to notice the pair of eyes following my every move.

I take a plastic red cup and I fill it up with the hardest liquor I could find on the table. After downing the cup I refill it and make my way over to my friends who are currently in the corner smoking what the muggles call ‘weed’. It’s strong but it helps me relax. Who knew muggle were so helpful.

Self-destruct, show up like an idiot

About an hour into the party everyone was either high, drunk or both. Which I was. Again me with my unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I ended up dancing in the middle of the room with a huge group of people. I feel eyes on me but I’m too drunk to care at the moment.

As I’m dancing I feel someone come up behind me and grab my hips. I turn around to see a random 7th year boy. He begins to trail his hands on my body.

He leans down to whisper in my ear,

“How about we go to my down, sweetheart?” His hot breath makes a shiver run down my spine, and not in a good way.

I began to shake my head while saying no but he clearly didn’t get the message because he gripped my wrists and tried to pull me with him. But because I was too drunk I couldn’t defend myself properly.

As I continue to struggle I see a person step in front of me, glaring at the boy,

“I suggest you let her go. Now.” I heard a familiar voice, I couldn’t tell who from my drunken state. Once the person turned around a smile involuntarily appeared on my face,

“Siri! Hi!” I giggled as he guided me away from everyone.

“Hi. Let’s get you somewhere safe.” He picks me up bridal style and starts to carry me up to the boys dorms and to his room.

I yawned and cuddled up into his chest,

“I’m still mad at you.” I mumbled. He set me down on his bed and goes to his trunk to take out some clothes,

“I know.” He said, sadly. As he’s helping me I go on a mini rant,

“You know you treated me horrible. I just wanted my boyfriend but you never made time for me. You missed dates, you cancelled on me a lot. And whenever we had time together alone you had to leave early. I just wanted you to give me your love and attention. But I was never a priority. I miss you so much, Siri.” After he tucks me into his bed he kisses my forehead and responds,

“I miss you too, baby.” He goes to walk away but I grab his hand. Which makes him turn around and give me a questioning look,

“Please stay.” I pout. He smiles and climbs into the bed with me. I turn to look at him,

“Cuddles?” I ask him with puppy eyes.

“Cuddles.” I snuggle up next to him with my head on his chest and my legs bunched up with his. He puts his chin on top of my head and begins to play with my hair.

“You know, I still love you. And I’m willing to give you a second chance, Siri.” I can’t see him but I can tell he has a huge grin on his face.

“I love you too, pup. Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.” I start to drift off but before I do fully I feel him kiss my forehead again and whisper ‘I love you’ one last time before the darkness engulfed me.

Why, oh why does God keep bringing me back to you?

****

Taglist: @blackpinkdolan

If you want to be added to my taglist for this series message me or comment under the post.

[carpisuns]

I can't speak for everyone but I don't blame you for trying to make some positivity on that post! I'm personally just glad people are finally talking about how the way people talk about their own fandom and other fans of the show can be so rude and upsets a lot of people. For YEARS I've just seen people dismiss the show and people who like it (and even the fanfiction and whatnot) when they were all int the same fandom and it was so frustrating, I'm really glad people are rightfully saying that maybe that behavior isn't ok anymore!

aw thank you so much mari!! this is really sweet of you to say. and i totally agree!

i have only been in the fandom since mid-season 3 so im not one of the Veterans™️ who has seen every bad take and annoying fandom trend through the years, but i have seen enough to know what's out there. and while i do avoid certain kinds of fan content, it bothers me when people act like good content is hard to find. it's really not! in the ML fandom i have met some of the most passionate, talented, and delightful people i've ever known! and some ML fics i've read are some of the best writing i've ever read period, published or not. and apart from that, there are lots of fics that maybe aren't the same level of writing quality but that have creative ideas and a clear love of the characters and the story, and really that is the most compelling thing about fan content for me. sure, old tropes still stick around, but the fandom has evolved a lot since season 1 and 2 and it's getting tiring for people to pretend that it hasn't. and also to ignore all the good stuff that did come from the early years. every fandom has a mix of content and ML is no different, but finding the stuff you personally like is as easy as just looking around or asking for it.

on another note, I am a 26-year-old old fan of a children's cartoon and i already feel enough shame about my "cringey" interests to the point that i hide my favorite thing from most people i know IRL. so yeah, it's extra hurtful when people within my own fandom try to act like it's cringey to enjoy both the source material and the fan content. i'm not in the miraculous ladybug fandom in spite of canon; i'm here because of canon. for me, it's not "i like the show except ABC" or "it's ok if XYZ." there is no asterisk to my enjoyment of miraculous. i just. genuinely love it. and i feel like that should not be a radical statement haha

when i make fan content, i'm not doing it to "fix" canon or change ML into something i can enjoy. i do it because i just really like thinking about and exploring the story and characters! i'm also not doing it because i absolutely have to feed myself. like i said, there is plenty of awesome content and other creators keep me very well fed! i love interacting with them and enjoying their content and sharing it with other people so they can enjoy it too.

tldr; im so done with cringe culture lol. it's time to unironically enjoy things binch!!! enjoying things is cool!! and tbh i actually get emo sometimes thinking about how lovely it is that all these fandom creators put in their time and effort and skill and talent to make stuff for their fandom simply because they enjoy it. like. that is so pure to me. what a gorgeous, human thing to do. enjoy something, and create something new as an expression of that enjoyment. wow.

anyway sorry i wrote an essay,,,i literally can never shut up lol but i appreciate this comment also you and your blog!! you have such good vibes<33

[maybebanks]

Hurting Part 2

LINK TO PART 1

@mavelfanatic @my-therapist-hates-me @rudypankowswife

⚠️: trigger warning, talks on abuse

JJ lead you to his car and took you back to the chateau. When you arrived, you were wet and cold from the ocean, but you couldn’t budge.

You never actually admitted what was done to you. Not to JJ, or anyone. There was still hope for you to convince him he was wrong.

When he parked, he stared back at you.

“How are you feeling?” JJ said softly.

You scoffed, “freezing. But fine.”

You had a towel wrapped around your legs and another draped over your shoulder.

“I should go home,” you shrugged.

“Sleep here,” JJ suggested, turning off the car and opening his door.

He got around and opened the door for you, “It’s up to John B,” you argued.

JJ chuckled, “you know John B would let you stay any day,”

You inhaled for a deep breath, but it was shaken and not smooth. This made JJ worried.

“Here let me help you out,” JJ said, guiding you with his hand on your lower back.

“Hey! I can get out of a car myself,” you interjected, slowly climbing out.

JJ put his hands up in defense, that little part of him intrigued by your stubborn side. It was like him.

You both walked inside and headed to the bathroom.

“Ooh damn it’s cold!” JJ yelped as he jumped in the shower and turned it on.

You smiled, “bet it’s freezing,”

This motivated JJ to be playful, he smirked and jumped out, then grabbed you gently and pulled you into the shower.

“Ah! No!” You screamed.

JJ laughed and let the water soak you, still with your bathing suit on.

You moved the hair out of your face and grabbed JJ by his cheeks, “You son of a-“

He cut you off by pressing his lips to yours. And once he knew you were comfortable, he moved them gently with yours.

Your hands fell to his neck and intertwined with the back of his hair.

He smiled under your kiss, and gently pushed you against the wall.

The water was getting warmer.

JJ started to unzip your wet suit top, so you pushed him back.

“Not right now, J,” you sighed.

“Oh but you’re sooo pretty,” he pleaded, one hand on the side of your face.

“Im...I’m sorry. I want to make you happy. But every time you touch me...” you paused, looking into his concerned eyes, “it’s stupid.” you sighed, looking away from him now. You moved to get around him but he stopped you.

“Hey, it’s not stupid. I’d never hurt you, Y/n,” JJ said.

“You’re just saying that,” you mumbled.

“I’m not. Do..uh do you see your step dad when I touch you?” JJ asked. Scared of the answer himself.

“No. JJ no. He’s not...I mean I’m like you. Okay? He doesn’t touch me like that, I swear.” You pleaded. If JJ was going to know about anything, he shouldn’t know about the sexual side. Those theories should be laid to rest.

“So how does he touch you?” JJ asked.

You didn’t want to talk about it, “J...um.. like I said. Like you,”

“He hits you? Do...uh you have bruises?”

“Are you asking for proof?” You asked, offended.

“No! Y/n, that’s not what I meant,” JJ tried but you already pushed past him and started grabbing stuff to leave.

“Y/n!-“

“Stay away from me JJ! You don’t have to worry about me anymore! You don’t have to care! I’m leaving!” You shouted, tears pouring down your face as you pushed away the one you loved.

“Where do you think your gonna go? Back there?” JJ suggested, trying to stop you.

“I’m- im not telling you.....I’m not telling you the worst thing about myself!” You said breathlessly.

JJs heart broke. He knew how you felt. But it was so extreme, he knew if you bottled it down you would feel worse.

“Come here,” JJ whispered, you looked at him, afraid.

Slowly, he got close and held her tight, as if she would fall through his arms.

She held him close, as if closing her eyes tight enough would make her forget about the world.

“It’s gonna get worse before it gets better. You’ve gotta talk to me. I’m not going to judge you, or blame you,” JJ assured.

You didn’t say a word, just hugged him. JJ was a good hugger.

“He just..he slapped me. That’s why there’s no bruises like you. He does it sometimes when we fight and my mom is out of town,” you admitted.

“But your mom is almost always out of town.” JJ sighed, knowing your hurting could happen a lot.

“I know. It’s bad. But like I said, you can handle it. So, I can too,” you argued.

“But...” JJ didn’t know how to phrase it, it was worse for you because you were a girl, and there was something sexual about it.

“...the bruises on your legs. And your ass,” JJ continued, his was seeking an explanation.

You sighed, “no, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Those are probobly just from sitting on rocks,” you lied.

JJ furrowed his brows, he hated the fact that you would lie to him. As a way of protecting him. He should be the one protecting you.

“Show me.” He demanded.

“W-what?” You stuttered, gripping tightly to the towel covering your body.

“Show me, please,” JJ added, he only wanted the truth. He didn’t want you to lie to him, or yourself.

“No. I’m sorry, but no.” You exclaimed, trying to get around him and away from this situation.

“Y/n. This is not a joke. Lift up your towel for me, baby. I’m not gonna hurt you,” JJ added, you couldn’t understand where he was coming from.

Why did he have to know?

You got lost in thought until you felt JJ steadily lifting the towel up gently. More of your thigh was visible and park of your butt cheek.

You were still in fear, watching JJ’s jaw clench.

“I’m gonna kill him,” he said softly, “I’m gonna fucking kill him,” he seethed.

You pushed his hands off, “you..you can’t.”

JJs eyes were wide, “what- well he should at least be punished Y/n! There is no way I’m letting him make a pass at you again,”

Your heart throbbed, “you don’t understand. This is why I never wanted to tell you,”

“You haven’t told me anything. And...and look...I get it. No one should have to go through what you’re going through, you’re so god damn strong. But, baby, staying quiet is not helping,” JJ explained.

Your throat felt as if it was closing, the thought of telling anyone haunted you, you shook your head, muttering no.

JJ pulled you in for another hug.

“I’m not going to rush you. But you’re not going back there, got it? You stay by my side, never leave,” JJ told you.

“She comes back tomorrow,” you sniffled.

Your mom.

“Y/n-“

“It’ll be fine. He’s usually nicer when she’s there,” you made an excuse.

“No way. Unless you’re gonna tell your mom, which I don’t think you’re ready for, your staying with me,” JJ said, closing the bedroom door that you were nothing in.

“Are you serious? What, so you’re my body guard now? JJ, don’t try to control me! You don’t even know anything!” You argued in frustration. Hating the feeling of being trapped.

“Because you don’t tell me!” He retaliated.

“Fine! I’m not telling anyone because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to my mom! We’re basically fucking kooks now! It would break her heart. It would break us. And if he even has the slightest thought that we might tell, he’ll go to her first, and no one will believe me! No ones gonna believe me, over him.”

“I believe you. I’m here, Y/n/n. And you have proof, and you have me to back you up,”

“That’s not enough,” you sighed.

“Yes it is. I’ll show you. It’ll get better, I promise,”

You’ve never heard JJ say that. Ever. He never promises anything. Maybe once as a joke, but this was meaningful.

PART 3

Link to part one

-

as always, the topics discussed may be triggering. Please seek help if this is happening to you. Love you all so much. Have an amazing day.