#but this one is staying minorly positive/mostly neutral so i think its more okay if its not yknow. breakdowns and screaming and crying

[geckobrains]

i am trying, i swear to god that im trying. i hope you can believe that, i know with my track record maybe its hard to. i will continue to live.

to everyone that left because they couldnt keep waiting for me to get better any longer: i dont blame you, you were right to do so and i hold no ill will towards you. i have made a lot of people wait an awful long time, and i know sometimes you just cant wait anymore. ive done it to others who i couldnt wait for either.

to anyone who has managed to stick around: thank you, but please know its not necessary, and you are still within your right to leave because i know its still gonna be a while before my shit is together.

im still going to live, but for the next little while im going to have to settle with "just getting by". just another of 1 million "transitional periods". at the very least im going to try to maintain myself so i dont go down again. so im probably not gonna be fully happy but also no longer fully miserable, if i can help it. taking care of myself just enough that i can be in a stable state of "just okay". okay is good enough, sometimes. good enough for now, at least.

i hope i can maybe find a little more to live for again. unfortunately while id love to put some eggs back in the "love is everything" basket, i cant really do that right now. deep down i still love love and i love loving but right now with the way things are its best not to be the focus of things. the "love is everything" basket is great but unfortunately doesnt account for my own borderline personality disorder lol. probably stuff's mostly gonna be in the "self preservation" & "keeping my promise to keep my cat safe" baskets (with a teeny bit in the "spite" basket too).

& again i ramble. oh well, i always ramble. everybody knows it. but that's all for now.