#im normal about it now at least in my head
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very easy to see how the word mates came to exist, it proves im obviously not the only guy who finds the word friends too soppy and awkward that its embarrassibg to even think
#nah i did legit used to think that#im normal about it now at least in my head#it was one of my classmates who pointed out that friends is literally just people you hang out with for fun and doesnt have to be embarrass#id clearly been reading to too many books and got way too sstuck in my own head like what the fuck why did i think that#i mean it was more of just an impusl than a ligical thought like when its embarrasing to talk out loud even though theres no one else aroun#or is that just me too#funnily enough that classmate was someone i actually wanted to be friends wuth but wouldnt admit in my head let alone out loud on pain of#death#like why would i not admit to myself that i wanted to have friends what the fuck but ive literally just been over this no need to repeat my#and i stand by the fact that its not actually that weird#or the word mate probably wouldnt exist would it#yes i know thats not how language works whatever#still its like more chill saying your mates than your friends#though obviously not if its a formal situation then its more embarrassing#not that id be calling anyone my mates or my friends in real life#cause even if i did have any itd still be too bloody embarrassing wouldnt it
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Is there a post explaining the fnaf Lights Out AU lore?
hold on FNAF??? WYM FNAF GET BACK HERE
#im trying to connect in my mind what the correlation is#fnaf... lights out...#both have at least One puppet.... both have taken place in at least One abandoned building....#uh... its usually dark... there is at least One murderous non-human being....#though honestly i could probably explain fnaf lore better than i can explain the au#cause like. how Do i explain the lore. dym the basic premise? something else? i dont do well with vague questions sorry!!#rambles from the bog#god... fnaf... i cackled but im So confused#yeah puppet. dark. abandoned building. uh. lotsa names ending with a 'ee' sound. a chicken character.#characters beloved by children becoming horror stories#aaaaand those are the only connections i could find#oh wait both have a superstar!!!#god... glamfred come back we miss you.... snf sob wail...#i need new encouraging gay bear-dad voicelines.... even if hes just a head now#everyone @ ruin!freddy: so no head?#SORRY sorry this was a wh ask... you just cant bring up one of my longest running interests and expect me to be normal about it <3
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i cant keep explaining slash shipping to normal people and then just receiving a "that doesn't make any sense" WHERE'S YOUR FUN??? YOUR WHIMSY??!?!? YOUR IMAGINATION???!???
#the parasite talks#like idk what to say to you i was just making a fun joke about the onceler x jack frost era and now im here explaining#the whole history of shipping and the joke is completely dead and buried like my hopes of feeling normal and not terminally online...#also them not understanding the tf2 ships????? at least some accept the heavy and medic ship but just cant wrap their heads around snipersp#LIKE THATS A BASIC ONE HOW ARE YOU GONNA LOOK AT ME WHEN I GET THE MERASMUS AND SOLDIER OR HEAVY AND SCOUT#what do you mean you cant ship demoman and soldier?? hi??? is this thing on???#how are you gonna react to the big four/ rise of the brave tangled dragons#just have fun for a bit.... it really doesnt need to be logical or make sense sometimes i just want to see two hot women making out#what do you mean i cant thing abt glados in her robot form and the hotel in her building mode and pass out because i know the chemistry#between them would be so toxic it would disintegrate me like the elephant's foot??? sorry for having fun with the media i interact with#actually no im not sorry just have fun for once im begging here sorry my brain is so massive and my ass so flat
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i could draw anything but i decided to draw this. carlo and rocco in 1932 aka my headache
#^ this isnt real ofc but its what happening inside their heads (well in carlo's at least)#mfs when their old friend doesn't break under manipulation#“Lift up the receiver I'll make you a believer” punching the wall with fist#rocco was the underboss not eddie can u hear me!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!! (capo henry situation in terms of complexity)#no m2 did smth to my brain and now im incapable of writing normal relationship between people#anyway. things that makes sense only to me rn unfortunately:#“AND YET ALAS I WELCOME YOU KNOWING ABOUT YOU” its carlo @ rocco but works both ways i think. RAHHHHHHHHH#YET YOU THINK WE'RE THE SAME RAHHHHHHHHH#youre not who u are to anyone these days im not who i am to anyone no not me at all these days not at all RAHHHHHHHHH#carlo who was afraid of rocco (for a reason) when he started to run the family rahhhhhhhhh#“That son of a bitch!.. I fuckin’ knew it!” <-watch me put a lot more meaning into a phrase that shouldn't make so much sense#2kczech need to pay me for developing rocco's character btw if u even care . and for writing this fucking falcone family backstory#“Холодный и острый осколок гранита; Смерть Голиафа в руке Давида”#<- “A cold and sharp shard of granite; Goliath's death in David's hand”#i've listened to this song too much it became certifed rocco song to me#let's say rocco helped carlo a lot w preparing moretti family for a new don. just bc i don't think it was this simple#“your capo killed your don lets all pretend that its cool and normal and it doesn't matter that he ran the family for 23 years😋😘”#avart#m2#i wont tag this w fandom tags dear god this shit is so delusional#dear god rocco been a gap and a blank spot in this story for so long but now i genuinely like him#tho i'm still not done with his character yet but there's enough for me to like him#sorry. not normal bout them. not at all .#rocco & carlo
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"I can fix him" "i can make him worse"
I can put him in therapy and make him learn communication skills
#winter speaks#for legal.purposes this is just a silly rant#the i and him are boyh me#character growth ia all well and good h til.youre tge one doin it and then its like oh. oh ouch. oh big ouch wtf o want off the ride#bjt the ridw is necessary and its akin to draggimg a toddler to.the dentisg#i only vaguely understand wjats happening and what to do and im trying myndamndesy to git the square throuhh the cir le#and iyll work but no kne will be happy abouy it for at least a few weeks#and i have to do.little letters of today inlearned bc my brains so fucked right now i cannit remmeber the lessons unless#i write them fifty fuck times#i am so tired and brumpy about existance today and i am working a twelve hour shift#but tofay i learned my nose was in fact most likely broken when i was like sevem ir eigjt#and kts not a normal thing to brush your teeth til the gums bleed thats nit how they get clean#so this weekend i get to research dental heigiene bc i just never did iy bc it fuckin hurt and i finallu know#where the bump on my nose came from. my head wishes to be lut through comcrete
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rip my mom casually asking me what the worst shakespeare take i’ve ever heard was and unlocking a two hour rant at 3 am
#ive taken many shakespeare courses#and spoken casually about his plays with Many People™️#and read Way too many articles#i have heard more shit tier ass shakespeare takes than i would ever wish upon anyone#my least favorite does actually come from this website though <3#tumblr win (?)#i love it here but sometimes oooooohhh boy#i dont usually get worked up with any sort of disagreeing opinion#and im very good at being level headed about things in general#but GOD nothing gets on my nerves faster than shit takes about shakespeare#or just reading or learning in general#like ooohhh boy#my mom has a knack for asking me dangerous questions at inopportune moments#im half convinced she likes asking me about shakespeare when shes going to sleep#because my incessant chattering bores her enough to fall asleep easier😑#rude if true because i was repressing those takes and now that im thinking about them again IM too annoyed to sleep😤#god i wish i could be normal about shakespeare im so annoying#im So pretentious never speak to me
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#delete later#in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown#i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it#im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly#to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or#spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be#ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right#and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen#too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the#person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this#at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my#meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things#i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas.#meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry#and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain.#i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay#i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired
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#click for better quality whatever#im coming back to school tomorrow so technically i will have less time to draw rgg stuff so here you go for now#angst angst angst. i only half assume this level of angst. is it cringe? idk i feel like it needed to be this dark to be good#i tried to make the dialogue as close as possible as how waka actually sound. there's a lot of quotes in this.#obviously this would be an internal dialogue happening in between 2001 and 2004. taking a little bit more literally masato's suicide#i really like interpreting aoki as the physical manifestation of masato's self-hatred destructive hateful and self-harm tendencies#the culmination of all of his hurtful and toxic coping mechanisms#there's this scene at the end of the game where he seems to be about to accept ichiban's help and start to atone for his crimes#but then he hears a recording of himself - as aoki - and immediately relapses into his old ways#for me aoki is the voice inside his head driving him to paranoia and self-destruction by pushing away & hurting everyone who cares about hi#i have a pretty clear idea of who aoki was for masato. the voice of societal pressure to put it simply.#but im not sure who masato is for aoki yet... i should think about that more#still fascinating to me that both of them aren't treated as the “true self” of his character. this guy never got the chance to be himself#gotta tag this with actual tags now#codexdraws#y7 spoilers#errr do i need to put tw? just in case a mutual needs it#tw suicide implied#tw ableism#<- internalized and not blatant but still#i am NOT feeling confident about posting this i swear im usually normal and funny (or at least i try to be. very hard)#i think it's very funny of me to post my first rgg comic featuring : waka and ; waka. im a parody of myself
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Casually flirting with the idea of fucking around and getting a master's degree. The time will pass anyway, right?
#lynx thinks#oh nooooooooooooooooo#nooooo i can feel the urge to be crazy and act on my hubris#ive just been talking to the grad students in the theater program and theyre taking like 9 credits a semester#and its all stuff that seems interesting or fun or at the very least useful unlike my undergrad degree#and im like... i can already sew as well as if not better than these grad students. i can for sure draw better for any designs i come up w#heck i can draw better than the current head costume designer faculty member for the university#so the little overcommitting gremlin in my brain is like ''yoi could totally do it. do it.''#and the other part of me is like ''im already so tired just from working again after needing to recover from burnout. how would i even?#so I'm sitting here Thinking about it...#a masters degree in theater might be better for finding work at a pre-existing institution than just a bachelors in art#and it might be better than a masters in art too#I'd have to stop taking commissions completely probably if i did it for the sake if time#but if i somehow got an assistantship position? then maybe?? i could do it?#oooooooh i hrm so hard y'all#its only been a week since moving and ao much is still in boxes. im only working part time but I'm tired now so much#idk if its just because my stamina levels have atrophied or what but im so. tired. these days#and by these days i mean in the last week.#maybe a week isn't long enough of a sample to work from.#im hoping my energy levels will even out a bit but with the time zone change and the fact that I'm almost 30 I'm not sure if it will?#so thats worrying#i actually kind of see why people seem to drink coffee every day now#I've definitely been eating a lot more normally since i started. both in timing and quantity#i still have projects of my own to work on i cant afford to be so eepy orz
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yuffie has many interesting elements to her but people refuse to move past "i find energetic kids annoying" and it makes me sad
#first of all...... treat kids with the grace + patience you wish you had been given when you were one. just. in general#second.....#god forbid a 16 year old have flaws...! especially when part of the boisterous energy is because she is masking#she has a very strong love for her home to the point she's gone into unknown territory#entirely in over her head! but she refuses to give up#it's an interesting way to look at how patriotism can affect a person when you look at the differing views of protecting wutai that her and#godo have. i'm so interested to see how 'a miserable daughter's homecoming' is gonna go in remake pt 3#given that we know they want to expand on wutai more than they could in the OG#remake intermission as well has been rolling around in my head bc i think its interesting that sonon still wants godo to be respected but#yuffie very much is like. nah fuck that old drunkard idgaf. at least thats how it comes across#i've always felt like the kleptomania was allowed to bloom because she didn't receive enough care or support on top of the patriotism from#young age... so the intermission dialogue makes me wonder if we'll delve into that potentially being the truth in part 3#anyway... rebirth gave such good yuffie + party sibling moments im excited to get more in part 3#especially with vincent because they're one of the funniest not-quite uncle and niece combos#yuffie ringing vincent post-AC and then he goes to cloud like 'tell her that's illegal' instead of just replying to her normally 💀funny af#pettiness off the charts. i adore their 'i do care about you greatly but i'd also sell you to satan for one (1) corn chip' dynamic#ultimately you like and dislike whatever characters#but its always worth looking past the surface level. you may discover that the layers have a unique charm to them#and if the charms don't appeal after that? well at least you now have a better understanding of the character. win/win#god knows i've tried to like characters and came out of diving into their facets -still- not liking them. but more often than not it#gives me some new appreciation of the character. because the depth is there you just have to put the effort in to connect the dots#(this was spurred on by brainless takes i saw in general chat of a public discord. yes i know. my own fault for looking in a godless place)#these tags are 2 short to add proper nuance to my thoughts but you get the idea. this has been my once in a blue moon ramble post o7#might delete later i just wanted the thoughts expelled teehee <3
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i dont feel very good
#im exhausted and i feel like ive run out of things to do#and like if i start the things i could technically be doing jt wojld be like doing it with my left hand#bc its late and dark and im exhausted and these things are complicated#and i cant do the easy things bc jt stinks in the rest of the house#and in my room iv4 done all i can for now#im exhausted but bc of the adhd meds im also um#how to put this#its like im still plugged into a powersource#like a laptop running too long#liiiike okay i do have energy i do technically yes it is energy what i have#but i am worn out and if i try to do anythung i will do it slowly and poorly and i will shit my pants#u know?#this is why i hate these meds#at least when ur exhausted normally u can just go to sleep#but this thing keeps u forcefully running#my head hurts my body kinda hurts i cant focus BUT! still on#this laptop is about to overheat if it stays like this#😑
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Why is it called a "common cold" when this is the worst hell I've experienced in my life. My nose and throat are burning like I snorted chili powder and gargled wasabi. My head feels like someone is inflating it with a tire pump and it's pushing all my brains out through my nose. This is worse than when I've had COVID, strep, flu, or pneumonia. What kind of hell are they putting in colds these days
#jury is still out on whether its worse than mono but thats mainly bc it affects your entire body#and tbh the time i had pneumonia it DID get worse than this but thats mainly bc they didnt diagnose it for over a week and it got dangerous#its worse than normal pneumonia tho#and it is DEFINITELY worse than strep. i used to get strep at least once a year and thats what this felt like when it first started#but now that the congestion and drainage has been added on top of the sore throat its even worse. im dying squirtle#its definitely worse than flu too. and im not even gonna mention bronchitis bc its not even in the same LEAGUE as this shit#and at least covid actually responded to dayquil and nyquil. why are neither one of these doing shit for me now??#'extra strength cold & flu' MY ASS#i tested negative for strep flu and covid and the docs determined it was an upper respiratory infection (common cold)#why is the COLD medicine not working for my COLD#im about to start fucking trepanning to get rid of this head pressure i s2g#im having to work through this#rambling
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my brain sees swocket and is like oh I need to put them in absolutely awful terrible situations. someone will die
#i remembered a song i heard once. about a relationship. where the girl gets consumed by some kind of parasite and kills the other person#or infects the other person idk#at least thats how it is in my head nobody knows for sure what that song means as far as i know#and for some reason i want to write a fic with them based on that song#if you know what song im talking about. :>#love that song it fucked me up when i first heard it and then i heard the NORMAL SONG IN HE CAR AND I WAS LIKE THE PARASITES. OH#i dont even know if i ship them actuallybut for this fic that i probably wont write because im lazy and school they'll be in love#but its the weekend.. i could try.. its 11:49 pm i really shouldn't try and write it now but knowing my ass i will
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i miss my friend but how do i tell them i miss them without bothering/messaging them :’((
#ooc#i think im safe to post this here but also im sick rn so maybe my thoughts are clouded by illness#i know im not being ignored but damn it feels like im not someone they can just talk to anymore and that sucks#like we had a convo about not being tired of talking to each other a few months back like#even if we’re out of social battery it wouldnt matter if talking to each other#and now im part of the ‘oh yea you dont know’ group and it feels weird sjjfjfkkskfkkskd#trying so hard to be a normal person about this#im sure theyre just busy and im trying to drill it into my head so it doesnt bother me#but to have gone from being able to chat at least once almost everyday for the past decade to silence if i dont send a message… hurts#and if you DO stumble upon this (again im sick and im sure u use tumblr sparingly)#i dont want to guilt you into talking to me bc thats the LAST thing i want is to add to ur stress#but ig this in itself could do that and i dont mean to#just stuck in a weird loop and again i miss my best friend so much
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even though it was buried in the tags of my last text post, that text post was the first time ive ever admitted to any of my ocs having The Diagnosis which is also My Diagnosis which means ive just somewhat admitting to having The Diagnosis which is My Diagnosis and wow that was extremely nerve wracking but it also felt nice to get it out there. this is my coming out post i guess
#definitely gonna delete this later i just wanted to ramble for a minute#idk why but this specific diagnosis was the most difficult thing to come to terms with#being diagnosed with adhd and bpd that was nothing but THIS ONE? it ruined my life for at least a few months#which is so silly bc when other people have this diagnosis i think nothing of it#but when its Me it just brings out this horrible complex inside of my heart#so having an explanation for that kinda stung you know. but hey its there now#a lot of this journey has just been me trying 2 unlearn the harmful stereotypes abt myself as far as The Diagnosis is concerned#and learning to treat myself kindly in spite of my insecurities which at times feel like a direct byproduct of my diagnosis. its a lot#but yeah. Yeah. idek what im trying to say anymore#shoutout to my homies who felt like aliens their entire childhoods only to be diagnosed later in life we are so strong and whatever#kisses you on the forehead#also tbh it feels good to project it onto my ocs. it makes me feel better about myself#making brie autistic as shit makes me feel more normal because in my head im like well shes living her best life. why cant i#and all the straud kids too. theyre still living their best lives and theyre totally confident w themselves and they accept their diagnosis#and they accept its just a part of them you know!! nothing to be ashamed of. so why cant i#THIS IS SO LONG IM SORRY im very emotional right now. ik this is kinda weird but i really want to find the confidence#to talk about this without feeling embarrassed about myself. autism rocks !#this is literally the autism website idk why im nervous right now you are all literally autistic why am i so nervous LOL
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man i dontthink i can be in a real relationship ever again im just starting to process how everyone has treated me HORRIBLY
#and by everyone i mean. like 2 people. both of them were bad to me#godd i stayed with this one guy for like 4 years and he never even kissed me. but he was my first boyfriend so i just thought it was normal#he was so distant and i didnt even realize it. and then the second person came along right after he broke up with me and they#were super touchy super affectionate which i loved after being neglected for so long. but then they left me after a month.#and i never talk about it ever because i HATE talking about relationships it makes me feel like a loser.#''ohhh im so touch starved ive never felt truly loved'' what are you some kind of incel#and i need to sotp getting so attached to people who show me any kind of affection i cannot handle a relationship no matter how much i#think i want it. a friend kissed me a couple weeks and now its to the point shes been appearing in my dreams.#theyre really vivid too. i dont even know if i see her that way im not trying to process what my subconscious wants right now.#but its happened like 3 times now and i think it was because i ended up kissing her neck too. thats the main thing that happens in them.#it was so quick it didnt mean ANYTHING but my head wont let me forget about it. what the fuck ever man.#anyway. at least i can laugh about the fact the first guy broke up with me over amino
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