#im normal about it now at least in my head
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very easy to see how the word mates came to exist, it proves im obviously not the only guy who finds the word friends too soppy and awkward that its embarrassibg to even think
#nah i did legit used to think that#im normal about it now at least in my head#it was one of my classmates who pointed out that friends is literally just people you hang out with for fun and doesnt have to be embarrass#id clearly been reading to too many books and got way too sstuck in my own head like what the fuck why did i think that#i mean it was more of just an impusl than a ligical thought like when its embarrasing to talk out loud even though theres no one else aroun#or is that just me too#funnily enough that classmate was someone i actually wanted to be friends wuth but wouldnt admit in my head let alone out loud on pain of#death#like why would i not admit to myself that i wanted to have friends what the fuck but ive literally just been over this no need to repeat my#and i stand by the fact that its not actually that weird#or the word mate probably wouldnt exist would it#yes i know thats not how language works whatever#still its like more chill saying your mates than your friends#though obviously not if its a formal situation then its more embarrassing#not that id be calling anyone my mates or my friends in real life#cause even if i did have any itd still be too bloody embarrassing wouldnt it
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(animal abuse tw!!!)
hyperfix hell is something else but especially insane for characters like red and duck who are just suddenly really terrible out of nowhere. like its been a while since ive seen electricity (cuz its one of the episodes that gets me feeling too much) but i somehow gaslit myself into believing i made up the part of them drowning their cat. i thought i was filling in blanks with my memory but NO duck outright BRAGS about explicitly drowning their “boring” pet.
I knew they killed their cat 100% but i guess im so deep into my own head and been in the fandom for so long i thought i made a chunk of it up somehow 😭???
its still very crazy to me, its probably the cruelest thing i think theyve done proudly. and the worst part is that its NOT their bigger counterparts, its just THEM. base level THEM. THAT is who they are. maybe my brain tried to suppress that cuz its the only time in the series where i DEEPLY disagree about what theyve done. the rest of their cruelty upsets me, but this just disgusts me i guess. not only because of the animal but because they picked a slow and painful method. Every other instance of gore or general shittyness from those two i either laugh at or maybe get a little angry at them for a second like im their mom and move on. but this disturbs me. its genuinely evil to me and i hate the thought of it. the bigger boys torturing that blob thing is terrible, but theyre not the base-level guys, they act strange and disturbing intentionally. the guys on the lowest floor are just THEM. Them without any filters or add ons, thats literally just THE boys. I guess i still cant wrap my head around it even years later.
ten minutes later theyre confessing to each other… like… do they not remember anymore? was it that quick? or have they learned by now that their actions have no real consequences?
thats the thing that makes this the most uncomfortable to me, i think. theyre the way they are because anything can happen to them, and they can do anything to others, and they know they wont get any repercussions. Drowning a pet, crashing a car through your house, literally dying, getting your organs removed… none of it lasts. and they KNOW that now. but instead of being scared or freaking out like fanon always saw it, they see it as not only normal, but as an opportunity to do whatever they want. i dont think theyre aware of it enough to be articulately malicious with it, but thats whats terrifying. they NATURALLY have absolutely zero remorse and you cant expect them to. why would they? nothing really happened, did it? even when they remember doing it, whys it matter? clearly they can just change their mind, or wait it out. If death isnt for them, theyll just decide to come back. do actions mean anything in a world like that?
#i think we severely underappreciate and discuss the way the tv series main three no longer reacts to things like they used to.#the desensitization is genuinely a huge part of their characters now i feel#especially because it makes THEM complicit in the violence now!! which i think is an interesting take on the cycle!!#fanon doesnt do them justice in this regard. even from the start they have never been normal. theyve always been fucked up in the head#although they suffer at the hands of the world theyve never been shy of returning that favor on others#i like how the teachers arent really evil anymore#nobody thinks of it this way i but i feel ALL of the characters are equally fucked up and hurt each other for the same reasons#tv series duck is no better than the can that ate him in the webseries. theyre one in the same to me now#by the way— ALL does include lesley but thats a different discussion. ill defend her with my life she is NYOT the puppet master or whatever#tbh i honestly believe that the pain of the world is caused by the lack of limits and not an intention by some higher power to hurt#i believe that at least the tv series is more about the torture of being immortal and limitless against your own will or understanding#since roys been gone i dont think anything is out to hurt them i think its just impulsivity and lack of consiquence yet also lack of freedom#but idk if were ready for that convo tbh#dhmis#dhmis fandom#dont hug im scared#duck guy#red guy#fluffybird#dhmis tv show#dhmis tv series#tw animal death#tw animal abuse#cw death#cw gore#gore
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i cant keep explaining slash shipping to normal people and then just receiving a "that doesn't make any sense" WHERE'S YOUR FUN??? YOUR WHIMSY??!?!? YOUR IMAGINATION???!???
#the parasite talks#like idk what to say to you i was just making a fun joke about the onceler x jack frost era and now im here explaining#the whole history of shipping and the joke is completely dead and buried like my hopes of feeling normal and not terminally online...#also them not understanding the tf2 ships????? at least some accept the heavy and medic ship but just cant wrap their heads around snipersp#LIKE THATS A BASIC ONE HOW ARE YOU GONNA LOOK AT ME WHEN I GET THE MERASMUS AND SOLDIER OR HEAVY AND SCOUT#what do you mean you cant ship demoman and soldier?? hi??? is this thing on???#how are you gonna react to the big four/ rise of the brave tangled dragons#just have fun for a bit.... it really doesnt need to be logical or make sense sometimes i just want to see two hot women making out#what do you mean i cant thing abt glados in her robot form and the hotel in her building mode and pass out because i know the chemistry#between them would be so toxic it would disintegrate me like the elephant's foot??? sorry for having fun with the media i interact with#actually no im not sorry just have fun for once im begging here sorry my brain is so massive and my ass so flat
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i could draw anything but i decided to draw this. carlo and rocco in 1932 aka my headache
#^ this isnt real ofc but its what happening inside their heads (well in carlo's at least)#mfs when their old friend doesn't break under manipulation#“Lift up the receiver I'll make you a believer” punching the wall with fist#rocco was the underboss not eddie can u hear me!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!! (capo henry situation in terms of complexity)#no m2 did smth to my brain and now im incapable of writing normal relationship between people#anyway. things that makes sense only to me rn unfortunately:#“AND YET ALAS I WELCOME YOU KNOWING ABOUT YOU” its carlo @ rocco but works both ways i think. RAHHHHHHHHH#YET YOU THINK WE'RE THE SAME RAHHHHHHHHH#youre not who u are to anyone these days im not who i am to anyone no not me at all these days not at all RAHHHHHHHHH#carlo who was afraid of rocco (for a reason) when he started to run the family rahhhhhhhhh#“That son of a bitch!.. I fuckin’ knew it!” <-watch me put a lot more meaning into a phrase that shouldn't make so much sense#2kczech need to pay me for developing rocco's character btw if u even care . and for writing this fucking falcone family backstory#“Холодный и острый осколок гранита; Смерть Голиафа в руке Давида”#<- “A cold and sharp shard of granite; Goliath's death in David's hand”#i've listened to this song too much it became certifed rocco song to me#let's say rocco helped carlo a lot w preparing moretti family for a new don. just bc i don't think it was this simple#“your capo killed your don lets all pretend that its cool and normal and it doesn't matter that he ran the family for 23 years😋😘”#avart#m2#i wont tag this w fandom tags dear god this shit is so delusional#dear god rocco been a gap and a blank spot in this story for so long but now i genuinely like him#tho i'm still not done with his character yet but there's enough for me to like him#sorry. not normal bout them. not at all .#rocco & carlo
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"I can fix him" "i can make him worse"
I can put him in therapy and make him learn communication skills
#winter speaks#for legal.purposes this is just a silly rant#the i and him are boyh me#character growth ia all well and good h til.youre tge one doin it and then its like oh. oh ouch. oh big ouch wtf o want off the ride#bjt the ridw is necessary and its akin to draggimg a toddler to.the dentisg#i only vaguely understand wjats happening and what to do and im trying myndamndesy to git the square throuhh the cir le#and iyll work but no kne will be happy abouy it for at least a few weeks#and i have to do.little letters of today inlearned bc my brains so fucked right now i cannit remmeber the lessons unless#i write them fifty fuck times#i am so tired and brumpy about existance today and i am working a twelve hour shift#but tofay i learned my nose was in fact most likely broken when i was like sevem ir eigjt#and kts not a normal thing to brush your teeth til the gums bleed thats nit how they get clean#so this weekend i get to research dental heigiene bc i just never did iy bc it fuckin hurt and i finallu know#where the bump on my nose came from. my head wishes to be lut through comcrete
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i think it was the lights im twitching
#i keep trying to tell my mother this isn't normal and she just says it's the autism#it shouldn't do this!! these are like!! almost seizureS!!! autism foes not do that!!!!!!#oighfhghgh okay i think i know what thos is at least#it's always scary at the start because i dont know whaf it is because its just scattershot symptoms#this is something thats happened to me before. so i know what it is and that i will be alright its just ofing to suck#and my heads gonna hurt and my hands are gonna shake and it sgiung to me awful#and i wont be able to talk or think very well#its already sort of happeneing#its a little better now since im not pannicke but its still not good#thos sucks i wish she would do something about this. ir listen to me at leats#marin complains
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rip my mom casually asking me what the worst shakespeare take i’ve ever heard was and unlocking a two hour rant at 3 am
#ive taken many shakespeare courses#and spoken casually about his plays with Many People™️#and read Way too many articles#i have heard more shit tier ass shakespeare takes than i would ever wish upon anyone#my least favorite does actually come from this website though <3#tumblr win (?)#i love it here but sometimes oooooohhh boy#i dont usually get worked up with any sort of disagreeing opinion#and im very good at being level headed about things in general#but GOD nothing gets on my nerves faster than shit takes about shakespeare#or just reading or learning in general#like ooohhh boy#my mom has a knack for asking me dangerous questions at inopportune moments#im half convinced she likes asking me about shakespeare when shes going to sleep#because my incessant chattering bores her enough to fall asleep easier😑#rude if true because i was repressing those takes and now that im thinking about them again IM too annoyed to sleep😤#god i wish i could be normal about shakespeare im so annoying#im So pretentious never speak to me
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Casually flirting with the idea of fucking around and getting a master's degree. The time will pass anyway, right?
#lynx thinks#oh nooooooooooooooooo#nooooo i can feel the urge to be crazy and act on my hubris#ive just been talking to the grad students in the theater program and theyre taking like 9 credits a semester#and its all stuff that seems interesting or fun or at the very least useful unlike my undergrad degree#and im like... i can already sew as well as if not better than these grad students. i can for sure draw better for any designs i come up w#heck i can draw better than the current head costume designer faculty member for the university#so the little overcommitting gremlin in my brain is like ''yoi could totally do it. do it.''#and the other part of me is like ''im already so tired just from working again after needing to recover from burnout. how would i even?#so I'm sitting here Thinking about it...#a masters degree in theater might be better for finding work at a pre-existing institution than just a bachelors in art#and it might be better than a masters in art too#I'd have to stop taking commissions completely probably if i did it for the sake if time#but if i somehow got an assistantship position? then maybe?? i could do it?#oooooooh i hrm so hard y'all#its only been a week since moving and ao much is still in boxes. im only working part time but I'm tired now so much#idk if its just because my stamina levels have atrophied or what but im so. tired. these days#and by these days i mean in the last week.#maybe a week isn't long enough of a sample to work from.#im hoping my energy levels will even out a bit but with the time zone change and the fact that I'm almost 30 I'm not sure if it will?#so thats worrying#i actually kind of see why people seem to drink coffee every day now#I've definitely been eating a lot more normally since i started. both in timing and quantity#i still have projects of my own to work on i cant afford to be so eepy orz
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yuffie has many interesting elements to her but people refuse to move past "i find energetic kids annoying" and it makes me sad
#first of all...... treat kids with the grace + patience you wish you had been given when you were one. just. in general#second.....#god forbid a 16 year old have flaws...! especially when part of the boisterous energy is because she is masking#she has a very strong love for her home to the point she's gone into unknown territory#entirely in over her head! but she refuses to give up#it's an interesting way to look at how patriotism can affect a person when you look at the differing views of protecting wutai that her and#godo have. i'm so interested to see how 'a miserable daughter's homecoming' is gonna go in remake pt 3#given that we know they want to expand on wutai more than they could in the OG#remake intermission as well has been rolling around in my head bc i think its interesting that sonon still wants godo to be respected but#yuffie very much is like. nah fuck that old drunkard idgaf. at least thats how it comes across#i've always felt like the kleptomania was allowed to bloom because she didn't receive enough care or support on top of the patriotism from#young age... so the intermission dialogue makes me wonder if we'll delve into that potentially being the truth in part 3#anyway... rebirth gave such good yuffie + party sibling moments im excited to get more in part 3#especially with vincent because they're one of the funniest not-quite uncle and niece combos#yuffie ringing vincent post-AC and then he goes to cloud like 'tell her that's illegal' instead of just replying to her normally 💀funny af#pettiness off the charts. i adore their 'i do care about you greatly but i'd also sell you to satan for one (1) corn chip' dynamic#ultimately you like and dislike whatever characters#but its always worth looking past the surface level. you may discover that the layers have a unique charm to them#and if the charms don't appeal after that? well at least you now have a better understanding of the character. win/win#god knows i've tried to like characters and came out of diving into their facets -still- not liking them. but more often than not it#gives me some new appreciation of the character. because the depth is there you just have to put the effort in to connect the dots#(this was spurred on by brainless takes i saw in general chat of a public discord. yes i know. my own fault for looking in a godless place)#these tags are 2 short to add proper nuance to my thoughts but you get the idea. this has been my once in a blue moon ramble post o7#might delete later i just wanted the thoughts expelled teehee <3
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i dont feel very good
#im exhausted and i feel like ive run out of things to do#and like if i start the things i could technically be doing jt wojld be like doing it with my left hand#bc its late and dark and im exhausted and these things are complicated#and i cant do the easy things bc jt stinks in the rest of the house#and in my room iv4 done all i can for now#im exhausted but bc of the adhd meds im also um#how to put this#its like im still plugged into a powersource#like a laptop running too long#liiiike okay i do have energy i do technically yes it is energy what i have#but i am worn out and if i try to do anythung i will do it slowly and poorly and i will shit my pants#u know?#this is why i hate these meds#at least when ur exhausted normally u can just go to sleep#but this thing keeps u forcefully running#my head hurts my body kinda hurts i cant focus BUT! still on#this laptop is about to overheat if it stays like this#😑
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my brain sees swocket and is like oh I need to put them in absolutely awful terrible situations. someone will die
#i remembered a song i heard once. about a relationship. where the girl gets consumed by some kind of parasite and kills the other person#or infects the other person idk#at least thats how it is in my head nobody knows for sure what that song means as far as i know#and for some reason i want to write a fic with them based on that song#if you know what song im talking about. :>#love that song it fucked me up when i first heard it and then i heard the NORMAL SONG IN HE CAR AND I WAS LIKE THE PARASITES. OH#i dont even know if i ship them actuallybut for this fic that i probably wont write because im lazy and school they'll be in love#but its the weekend.. i could try.. its 11:49 pm i really shouldn't try and write it now but knowing my ass i will
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i miss my friend but how do i tell them i miss them without bothering/messaging them :’((
#ooc#i think im safe to post this here but also im sick rn so maybe my thoughts are clouded by illness#i know im not being ignored but damn it feels like im not someone they can just talk to anymore and that sucks#like we had a convo about not being tired of talking to each other a few months back like#even if we’re out of social battery it wouldnt matter if talking to each other#and now im part of the ‘oh yea you dont know’ group and it feels weird sjjfjfkkskfkkskd#trying so hard to be a normal person about this#im sure theyre just busy and im trying to drill it into my head so it doesnt bother me#but to have gone from being able to chat at least once almost everyday for the past decade to silence if i dont send a message… hurts#and if you DO stumble upon this (again im sick and im sure u use tumblr sparingly)#i dont want to guilt you into talking to me bc thats the LAST thing i want is to add to ur stress#but ig this in itself could do that and i dont mean to#just stuck in a weird loop and again i miss my best friend so much
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man i dontthink i can be in a real relationship ever again im just starting to process how everyone has treated me HORRIBLY
#and by everyone i mean. like 2 people. both of them were bad to me#godd i stayed with this one guy for like 4 years and he never even kissed me. but he was my first boyfriend so i just thought it was normal#he was so distant and i didnt even realize it. and then the second person came along right after he broke up with me and they#were super touchy super affectionate which i loved after being neglected for so long. but then they left me after a month.#and i never talk about it ever because i HATE talking about relationships it makes me feel like a loser.#''ohhh im so touch starved ive never felt truly loved'' what are you some kind of incel#and i need to sotp getting so attached to people who show me any kind of affection i cannot handle a relationship no matter how much i#think i want it. a friend kissed me a couple weeks and now its to the point shes been appearing in my dreams.#theyre really vivid too. i dont even know if i see her that way im not trying to process what my subconscious wants right now.#but its happened like 3 times now and i think it was because i ended up kissing her neck too. thats the main thing that happens in them.#it was so quick it didnt mean ANYTHING but my head wont let me forget about it. what the fuck ever man.#anyway. at least i can laugh about the fact the first guy broke up with me over amino
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they made hell real and put it in me.
#(guy has a headache..... brain owie.....)#fuckk#see the problem is that i dont fucking know where they come from.#today i have a fair guess bc i was SO busy during work and didnt drink so there must be some reason there#but mannn this sucks#i also dont think its like a migraine so. wth am i supposed to do.#the painkiller i took at 4.30 did not help. its 7.30 now.#my mom gave me a stronger one.#theres this pressure behind my eyes and most of the pain is in the back of my head.#it intensifies with movement and im a bit more sensitive to light but im pretty sure those are normal headache things.#doctors or really anyone feel free to diagnose :3 please tell me which drugs to take. i will find a way.#whateber. theres literally nothing to do but pull through.#yay.....#sillyposting#and the most upsetting thing??? bc the pressure is mostly in the back of my head I CANT EVEN COMFORTABLY LIE DOWN.#at least i have cool bruise.... i have to remember this.........#fuckk i wish headaches were as cool as bruises but this just sucks. and it doesnt even look nice i just look like a weakling.#yk maybe if my mom told us more about her medical history (which does involve migrains) i could. try something. anythign#but ig not. whateber.#its finee tho its only like. once per month i think. probs less.#=3=bbb save me
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really horribly anxious this morning and can't seem to shake it off :-(
#struggling not to dissociate. just don't really know what I'm going to do with all this i think thats where its coming from#+ exacerbated by so much recent disappointment. its hard not to direct that towards myself even when im not really at fault#not to mention disappointment in other people. which is really just more self disappointment for having expectations in the first place#which are unfeasible/not communicated. i just feel so unreal and unreachable. kind of just incompatible with the world i think#and i dont remember how to weave myself back into it again.im not sure ive ever really known how. immiscibility innit#its ok. going to try and start meditating daily again. and negotiate better boundaries for myself. it might help to journal it out#not on here i mean in a physical journal. i can't hold this exclusively in my head or I'll want to start harming again ik its a trigger#its all okay tho sorry this sounds more dramatic than it actually is. my flatmates gone out so at least i can cry while doing chores#she was dressed up nice and came to say goodbye when she left which she doesnt normally do so i dont think she'll be back for a while#hope she has a good time whatever shes up to. probably shouldve asked in hindsight but im too anxious to be able to talk today#and selfishly it would make me feel worse trying not to compare myself to how much more meshed with reality she is she makes it look easy#she only wanted me to do her suncream but i started trembling rly badly after. just cant physically be around other people right now#well at least i didnt cry in front of her so thats something. okay. ive made a list of tasks so im going to pick them off one at a time#i shouldnt have to think too much about them. and hopefully by the time im done ill feel much calmer#and then maybe i can play a game or smth. but if not i wont be hard on myself ill just go lie down and listen to music instead#man it is a shame about this festival though but it is what it is. therell be other days. i guess im not really a weekend person hey#ah itll all pass its all good. im always okay again eventually however temporarily. i dont need anything other than that#.diaries
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my brain telling me to go back to reading reddie fic 24/7 by making me dream about them last night
#it was taking me forever to fall asleep and then as im FINALLY drifting off i start getting this fucking incredible richie based narration#and im like i should write this shit down. but i dont want to fuck up my sleep. whatever im just gonna enjoy it#and then it was awesome.#eddie had to go in this house for something (it was his house but it wasnt his house like in the movies it had a back porch with a sliding#door and he had a dad and a brother and a big dog instead of his mom. the losers were waiting on the porch cause they couldnt go in. richie#tried to go in with him but his dad fucking HATES richie so he went outside to make it easier for eddie. problem is ITs in the fucking house#so the losers are outside and yeah theyre hearing yelling and shit but they expected that cause eddie fights with his dad all the time.#theyre chatting and shit but richie is being... strangely quiet. because hes working on this thing hes been working on for WEEKS now. its a#drawing of eddie and a poem about him. and hes super embarrassed about it but one night he couldnt sleep and he started it and now he Needs#to finish it. meanwhile eddies in the house and he doesnt immediately know ITs there. his dad is being shittier than usual even though hes#just trying to stock up some stuff from the medicine cabinet but hes like whatever im in and im out. but then his dad starts talking about#shit he shouldnt know about. like REALLY shouldnt know about. and eddie turns and his dad is much taller than he should be. and his head is#shaped weird. and all of a sudden ''hello eddie''. and eddies screaming and trying to get out and finally the losers figure out that#somethings wrong but the doors locked so they cant get in and richies about to break the fucking glass door when eddie comes barreling out#directly into him and they land in a heap on the ground. pennywise waves at them from the door and disappears and eddie is just sobbing into#richies chest curled up smaller than theyve ever seen him. richies so concerned with comforting eddie that he doesnt realize his papers just#lying out on the ground next to him. and nobody says anything because theyre having a Moment but as eddie calms down and starts talking to#richie almost like normal even though hes still clinging onto him and sitting in his lap his eyes flick over to the paper and richie about#jumps out of his skin to grab it but the damage is done eddie saw the drawing at least. and i dont remember as much of this part of the#dream but i know there was a quiet confession and they hug and its very fucking sweet and just. AUGH!!!!!
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