#im losing my mind the fact that these people expect me to come into work when all my family are over there. i cant even begin to think of

[kvrdelen]

of course my village of kurdish elders and children receives no aid. of course.

[zg0nuwa]

𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐥 𝐨’𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚 ; “𝐝𝐮𝐦𝐛 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬”

had this silly little thought where you ask miguel a bunch of questions about the multiverse

miguel o’hara x gn!reader

warnings ; this is stupid, miguel is confused, mentions of pregnancy/having a kid, my spanish knowledge is below zero so i used google (feel free to correct me)

“ what did you just ask me? ”

“ i asked what would happen if two people - ” you were pestering miguel with questions about the multiverse for the past hour or so. at first it was a basic conversation regarding what were canon events and how are they established, how the portals work and all the other boring stuff.

“ i heard you the first time. just- where did you get that question from? ”

“ don’t tell me you’ve never wondered how it would work if for example we were to have a kid. like, we’re from different universes. i’m just curious what would happen to the kid in this predicament. ” if you were anybody else he would probably just glare at you and go on with his work but due to your position in his heart he just stood there, absolutely mortified at the example you just provided.

in all honesty you weren’t even that much into the topic but being able to bother miguel just a little and watch him scrunch up his nose whenever you mentioned something that would probably classify you as mentally deranged was your favorite hobby.

“ dios por favor dame fuerza*. no, actually i’ve never thought about that. also that example was really uncalled for. ” he thanked his past self for making the office so dimly lit. if it was any brighter in here he’s 97% sure you would be able to see how his neck and ears go all red.

“ so you admit you don’t know what would happen? ”

“ sí, ahora ¿podemos cambiar el tema?* ”

“ okay, okay… there’s actually one more thing i was curious about. ” miguel only sighed and looked at you with an unimpressed expression.

“ should i be scared? ” at this point he had no idea what to expect, in fact he kinda expected anything. and his imagination was not helping him. you looked up at him with those big pleading eyes that at the same time were full of mischief.

“ if, for example, we were to start dating, would that make me you know… kind of a pedophile..? ” there was an awkward silence and the look he had was to be described only with the sentence “what the fuck”

“ what on god’s green earth are you talking about? ”

“ i mean, you’re from year 2099 right? and im from 2023 in my universe. so that would kind of suggest that technically i would be in my 40s or 50s when you were born right? that just… kind of weird to think about i guess? ”

that, he did not expect in any of his wildest scenarios.

“ i’m going to lose my fucking mind. ” he slumped forward hiding his face in his hands.

“ aw come on miguel! it’s a genuine problem i’m thinking about here! ”

* god please give me strength

* yes, now can we change the subject?

[empresskylo]

hai hai!! i have some cod nsfw headcanons ^_^ hope you don’t mind i just have brainworms that need to be let out

price has a MASSIVE (pun intended) size kink. he loves having your small frame beneath him, just manhandling you everywhere >_<

simon is actually really gentle. he definitely has dacryphilia, but the first time you started crying during the act, he got so scared :’( you had to reassure him you were alright ! now he can be more rough, even downright mean at times .

gaz looks like the most ‘proper’ of the 141, but he’s freaky !!! he’s really into degradation and praise, and he’s a huge ass man idc idc ! but he’d also spend hours with body worship just taking care of u

soap’s favorite position is cowgirl / just you riding him, he loves seeing his dog tags dangle between ur tits, holding your hips and just having you on top :p

aah that’s it sorry for spam </3 love your writing

I NEVER MIND HEADCANONS ARE WE KIDDING?!!!

price having a size kink makes my brain malfunction. like i neeeeeed that man. i’m so sorry but i also feel like he’d have a bit of an age gap kink. he’s not that old—he’s like what? late 30s early 40s??—but he secretly really likes dating someone way younger than him. the fact that irl i’m like oh ew gross at those kind of men! but in fiction, i’m like i want that man down bad and obsessed with the fact that he’s larger and older than you. need him to feel like he’s taking advantage of you: being older, bigger, and in higher power, and he hates how much he gets off on that.

no im obsessed with simon being a gentle lover. the thing is, i love him soft and rough, so combining it is just 😩 him being so sweet and slow and gentle at first, but once you convince him you’re ok with him being rough, my man goes a little crazy. he loves to leave bruises on you. loves to degrade you (“look how easily you spread your legs for me. pathetic.” “beg for it, love”). loves to toss you around like you’re nothing. loves seeing your eyes water when he’s just pounding the shit out of you, the way you struggle to form coherent words. if you don’t have tear stains by the time he’s done, he clearly didn’t do his job right. but that’s not every time.. he’s still gentle and takes his time and whispers sweet praises in your ear in between. like UMMMFFF.

gaz is younger (and acts like it) so ofc he’s freaky. i don’t think he gets too weird with it or too obscure in his kinks, but he definitely likes to try new things. he lovesssss to talk dirty, watching you get flustered beneath him from just his words is his favorite thing. and my guy lovessss eating puss lmao. he definitely texts you randomly “please let me come over and go down on you. i just miss you so much.” like he straight up doesn’t expect anything in return, he just likes to get off by pleasing you and needs to taste you or he’ll lose his marbles.

i feel like entire fandom has all agreed soap likes it when his girl is on top 🤪 and they’re right!!! he is most definitely and without a doubt, a boob guy. so watching them bounce as you ride him sends him into aerospace. he is obsessed with watching you work yourself on top of him. and he can be dominant when he wants, but a lot of the time he likes when you take charge. he goes crazy when you shove his chest back down as he tries to sit up and you just mercilessly ride him until he’s a whimpering mess.

thank you for this, anon. i always love seeing other peoples headcanons <3

[frogserotonin]

Please write George Karim x reader, I want BANTER and late night cooking

il y a - george karim x reader

a/n: im gonna be honest its 3:40am and i have to rewrite this entire fucking thing im losing my mind i literally have to get up in three hours shakshksysjst hope its what u wanted anon :)

warnings: unedited, kissing, ooc

The first time you’d met George Karim-smart, sarcastic, snappy, cute as hell and so far out of your league-you knew you didn’t stand a chance, falling for him almost instantly. What you didn’t know was that he was thinking almost the same thing about you.

Now, two years later, you slowly eased yourself outside from his arms and slipped out of the bed the two of you shared. You’d always had trouble sleeping, insomnia and nightmares plaguing you for the majority of your life. Normally you were content with just laying in George’s warm embrace and falling asleep to the sound of his breathing. Today, unfortunately, you had a fair amount of energy left and desperately needed to do something.

You checked your boyfriend to see if he was sleeping and a wide smile found its way stretching across your face at the sight of George sleeping deeply. It never ceased to amaze you that he chose you of all people, sure you were great, but he was idyllic.

You quietly exited the bedroom and made your way to the kitchen, everything in full focus to you. The brush of your oversized shirt on your thighs, the cold floorboards quiet creaking, the faint buzz from outside. The kitchen came into your view and you sped up a little bit, giddy at the prospect of baking.

As you gathered the ingredients you hummed to yourself and danced a bit around the kitchen, enjoying yourself thoroughly.

“Nice moves.”

You jumped.

“Fucking Jesus Christ, you terrified the shit out of me!” You whisper yelled at George, walking over to him and into his open eyes. He squeezes you tightly and places his chin on your head. “Why’re you up? It’s like…”

“It’s 1am,” he huffs, letting you go and pressing a kiss to your forehead. “And I’m awake right now so I can make cookies with my wonderful partner.”

“Aww, Georgie, you big sap.”

“I will leave right now.”

“Oh, come off it.” You flicked his nose and he smiled the most gorgeous smile you’d ever had the pleasure of witnessing, catching your hand and pressing his lips to it.

“C’mon let’s make these cookies so I can go back to sleep, preferably with you there as well.” He pretended to crack his fingers and started measuring out ingredients to mix. You watched as he smoothly poured in various things, mixing them with practiced ease.

“Wow, of course you have me do all the dirty work.” He shakes his head in mock disappointment. “I should’ve expected it of course but…alas.” He dramatically sighs and brings a hand to his forehead to imitate shock.

“Hey! I’m going to help, I just got a bit distracted. I can’t exactly help the fact that you’re really pretty.” You smile up at him, watching a faint red dust his cheeks. In his brief moment of weakness you swipe some stray flour off of the counter and wipe it on his chin. His jaw drops open and he retaliates with a brush on the tip of your nose.

You back and forth for a bit, before going back to preparing everything for your cookies, this time with a but more contribution from you. They were put in the oven after a bit more time.

“Hey George honey, kiss me would you?” you beamed earnestly. He leaned right in, so his nose and yours were touching, and he pecked your lips once before leaning back. You frowned at him and he smugly grinned back.

Quick as light, you grabbed his chin and pulled him in for a longer kiss, arms finding themselves hugging his neck as he kissed you back. George’s own arms were wrapped around your torso, feeding into the warmth blossoming in your chest. You kissed him until your lungs felt as if they’d stop working, pulling away from him and leaning your forehead on his. The both of you stood there, in that kitchen, with your foreheads pressed to one another’s, until George jumped and grabbed for a towel.

“The fucking cookies!” He lunged for the oven, opening it to see that the cookies were miraculously not burnt. He pulled the tray out and placed it down. “Now, who’s the distracting one?”

“Still you darling.” You laughed and if he kept smiling at you like that you would explode into a million tiny pieces. “God, I love you so much. Have I told you that before? Because I do, love you that is.”

“I love you too, but you’re not going to try one now, they’re still cooling down.”

“Worth a try!”

[love-toxin]

ellie we literally can't talk abt pokemon without talking about miss rika,, i love her

OK BUT IM GLAD U SAID SMTHN CAUSE I'M OBSESSED LOWKEY.. .......WHO GAVE HER THE RIGHT TO LOOK THIS GOOD......

Like. Effortlessly cool. Canon nickname-giver. I was going buckwild during her battle and I'm not even sorry about it. I could NOT stop thinking very unwholesome thoughts during her interview segment either......like......you can't put a woman in a suit at a desk across from me and not expect me to lose my damn MIND!!! I wanna piss her off just so she makes me pay for it, and dearly. I'M GONNA GO OFF UNDER THIS CUT AND I CANNOT BE STOPPED!!!

Bear with me on this train of thought here: imagine being a repeat challenger of the Championship Challenge. Your pokemon aren't bad (you don't think, anyways) and you've trained for hours and days on end to try and beat the Elite League, to the point of even begging the gym leaders for rematches to try and improve your skill or pick up some tip you didn't notice before. But without fail, every single time you try, you never end up getting past Rika--the first of the Elite Four, the easiest one to beat, is somehow so hard of a challenge that you stay awake at night wracking your brain for some strategy to beat her. Even worse is that you're older than half the kids that challenge the whole circuit, and you hate the feeling of all these ten year olds beating out your grown adult ass as they fly by each challenge while you're left crawling.

You can't just build a whole new team to counter her alone, or else you'll just get crushed by the others. You can't build a new team period unless you wanna put off claiming that Champion title until you're geriatric, so you're kinda screwed from both angles. And the worst part? The main reason why you keep failing is because every time you get a new strategy--have your pokemon learn new moves, train them up, swap out one pokemon for another--she somehow one ups you the next time you go to challenge her again. Like she has some kind of insane bug planted in your cellphone or something where she can hear everything you say, because how in the world does she keep coming up with new counters every time you try? Sometimes she even has new pokemon altogether, which from the accounts of other people who have tried it, is almost unheard of for the Elite Four to switch up their teams so often. Or at all!

The answer comes when you finally hit a wall. You're sure you've come up with the best counter to her moves, that your pokemon are all well-equipped to withstand whatever she decides to throw at you this time--and despite all that, you lose again. Badly, this time.

So for the first time, you ask her outright. How do you keep beating me? And although she puts on that lazy tone as she chuckles back "You just aren't paying enough attention, sweetheart" when she's met with a cold stare, her lips finally seem to loosen as she flashes you a smirk.

She admits that she likes watching you squirm. She saw that look on your face the first time--the only time she's legitimately beat you--and she couldn't believe how satisfying it was. Maybe she just doesn't best nearly as many trainers as her tougher counterparts, but something about the slump of your particular shoulders and the pout on your perfect lips is the reason why she refuses to budge and let you slip by. Really, it's not as sinister of a reason that you expected--she just made very careful decisions about each change she made, and followed your trail of logic to make sure she stayed one step ahead of you, and you in particular. In fact, there's probably been more people than ever that have gotten past her since she first battled you, since she's paid all her attention to blocking you alone. And as shocking as it is to hear her freely admit that, you still have some residual frustration from being bested again that you can only work up the smallest, crudest words as an answer.

"You're mean." You huff, pouting once more and shoving your arms across your chest. You'd stomp your foot if you didn't know she'd tease you for it, cause you'd look like even more of a petulant child than you already do, but you really are that mad. Isn't that against League rules, or something?!

"Poor baby...I'd feel worse if you didn't look so cute, honestly. My bad, bunny." Nooooo, no, you can not fold under that cheesy smile and the softness twinging that nickname. She will not, you repeat, not use those charming good looks and that undeniable tension you've felt between you two to seduce you....even though you've kinda dreamed of that. You didn't exactly spend all those restless nights just thinking about her battling style, after all...."You want Rika to make you feel better, honey bunny?"

You're not even sure how she got so close, how her hand is on your arm now, stroking her leather-clad fingers up and down your skin while she maneuvers herself to slide in behind you. She's still gentle, careful, touch light enough that you could brush it off if you wanted--but you instead find yourself slowly leaning into it, nuzzling into her lips as she presses kisses to your temple and coos at your sweetness, how you feel so soft and warm against her. Angelic, more like, you're as precious as an angel aren't you? You hate that you squirm at that compliment, looking up towards the ceiling to try and wipe that giddy, small smile that's creeping across your lips away. It doesn't hold though, you can't keep the charade up forever--eventually you're wiggling a little more into her, teasing at the possibility of her getting a little more unprofessional than she already has been in secret. And finally, you get what you want out of it. You get her low, smooth voice in your ear, a slight rasp to her last few words as she grips your hips hard enough to hear the leather stretch.

"I'll take my gloves off for this 'match', kay? And let's find somewhere a little more private....I think you'll enjoy it more if you can go all out, honey."

[play-rough]

Although I’m a Caregiver Chuuya loyalist, I will admit that part 7 of the classification au has been my favourite so far. I’ve read the whole thing like 3 times.

I really hope we get more pre ADA stories but I will say I am excited to see more of Kunikida specifically. The fact that you characterised him as a gentle but no-nonsense caregiver is so perfect for him. Also the fact that he seems to approach taking care of Dazai from a completely different angle than Chuuya is going to be an interesting adjustment for the baby. I’ve already started to imagine a slight clash in the future between Kunikida and Chuuya as they struggle to coparent. Nothing hostile, but I like to think they’d be put off by the other at least at the beginning, and their approaches to caregiving. I like to think of a scenario where Chuuya’s with a regressed Ranpo, who mentions the time Kunikida put Dazai in time out, but his 5 year old communication skills and Chuu’s protectiveness and temper leading him to quickly jump to the conclusion that time out is something that Kunikida practices with Babyzai and goes full 👹 mode, losing his cool completely at least for a little while. Adult Dazai would probably find it hysterical that his ‘dog’ was so protective over him— only for it to lead to some fluff.

That aside, thank you for writing the classification au, it actually made me start watching BSD to begin with and it’s easily my favourite agere fic!

I’m so glad you liked it 😭 I was worried about how it would be received but thankfully mostly positive reviews haha

We will definitely get more ADA stories, I have at least two more ideas and I’m sure I’ll come up with more

I’m sure there will definitely be conflict later on. Kunikida will eventually learn Dazai did have another caregiver, but he won’t talk about him and obviously Dazai has signs of at the bare minimum emotional abuse, of course Kunikida will assume his previous caretaker wasn’t great. And I’m sure all Chuuya needs to hear is ‘Dazai’ and ‘time out’ in the same sentence before he goes ape shit 😭 they’ll work it out without having a custody battle

I’m so glad you like the series 😭🩷 it always blows my mind when i hear people started watching bsd because of it and im always wondering how skewed your expectations were 😭 Dazai isn’t the main character and Chuuya only in it for a collective 14 minutes and 28 seconds

[caluski]

again, a brief moment of self-reflection :-)

turning a little older yet again, i think its funny to see myself changing still. i wont lie that my life feels that much different from what it used to be - but other than boring things such as employment or housing or the lack of relationships, something has perhaps shifted in a bit quiet way, one you usually notice upon retrospection much later.

i think im still pretty much a hopeless romantic, in that stupid, proud, dramatic way that makes me absolutely fucking insufferable. everything must be either grand or tragic. obviously, its not a bad thing in itself, but it does make me far too self indulgent for my own good. i know i have to learn patience towards others, and domesticate my solitude, otherwise soon life will drive me even madder... there is a lot to reconsider when it comes to what i expect from life and people in my life, even if it feels like i overthought everything to death and back already.

the big goals for 29th year is definitely going back on meds. or should i say, finding meds that actually work for me. theres a lot that i want - such as moving out and becoming independent, having a stable job i dont have to worry about losing, or finding companionship in my daily life - but i want to be realistic just once. last year, i remember finding out about the layoffs right before summer ended, and i thought - my next job will be the one that fixes everything. obviously, its not, not yet at least. even the minimum wage aside, im annoyed with lots of aspects of it, so its far from perfect. i wish i could land a safe, corporate job that pays enough to keep me afloat on my own, but, well.

but like, other than all my actual flaws, i dont think my attempt to romanticize everything is that bad in itself. it does make good-but-normal things seem far too good to be true (like having friends, being loved, having a safe home - how can it ever be real for me, if its so beautiful???), but other than that, i do like the way it makes me feel. i like treating every coffee like the biggest blessing of the day. i like how good music makes me tear up. i like it when days are so good, theyll feel like a dream when i look back at them. i just have to keep it under a little bit of control. i have to get used to the thought that the world is not out there to cater for me, that i am not in fact the center of the universe, that everything goes on no matter what. i always liked the thought of being not the main character of life, but more of a best friend or love interest; youre still there, you can participate, you can be significant if you put your mind to it, but the world wont stop for you. also, i do like the sentiment of someone's main purpose in life being both giving and receiving of love. i might lack the brains and beauty for much more, but love, i think everyone is capable of, no matter what - and it includes me, in the end.

i want to spend more time taking pictures and listening to music. going to cafes and having long walks. i want to try going back to drawing. i wanna get better at writing - god, if this wall of text alongside all my other silly little posts arent a proof of that...... - which of course, means reading more, too. i wanna hear more live music. local, or maybe the big performances, if artists i like come over to warszawa or kraków or something. also, i wanna travel a little more. even if just to sit in a local cafe and watch the traffic. i wanna visit żmija (if youre reading this, i swearrrrrrr im not trying to invite myself over - but maybe if im in kraków or something, we could see each other closer to your home. which could also be fun because its such a big city, so much to see, so many cafes to experience. maybe a gay bar to visit? are there any worth dancing in?). and i do wanna continue collecting vinyls - slowly, as they are so costly, but still. and i do wanna become more outgoing, i want to take more risks, even if it leaves my stupid little heart sore and exposed.... rejection is inevitable, right? and i do want to catch up with romantic experiences, too. i want to feel something for someone again, even if its one-sided and desperate and miserable. but i miss it so badly, so so badly. i want to have someone to pour out my affection on - consensually. i want someone to want to be loved by me as i am, with all this mess of loud, intense feelings, without being freaked out. or maybe getting freaked out in a good way.

anyway. such a gloomy day calls for love & food playlist promo. have a good evening everyone! mwah

[chanzies]

Hey, since you said other group requests are okay, can you do a future spouse reading on enhypen's jay and jake? Thanks.

Remember to take this lightly! With the Jake one I actually got a visual of Jake with a male; this doesn’t necessarily mean anything but I just thought it was interesting

Jake

His fs is a very go with the flow type of person, they let go things easily and are very much living in the present. They have a lot of knowledge I feel like as a hobby them enjoy learning facts; so they can tell people as a ice breaker (me too…)

Despite, their carefree personality. I don’t actually think this personality is best for what they pursue? They have a quite demanding job and a lot of responsibilities. They need to be serious, (I have a feeling this could be a family business) anyways, his fs might not be really into it the business and probably wants to do something else. Jake really supports them on this and sees how they aren’t really into their current job. Jake offers them help job hunting.

They learn new skills together, hiking possibly? They enjoy planning trips with Jake in mind. If Jake wants to visit a place his s/o will prioritise that and make sure they can go. His fs wants to do most of the cool things in the present so as they get older they can settle. They plan on calming and settling down with Jake.

Jay

He met his fs in a time where he lost a bit of hope (in himself and humanity) possibly he was struggling to find a special someone? I think he was feeling alone when he met them. His fs REALLY FITS HIS EXPECTATIONS. I think he was losing hope in humanity because he couldn’t find anyone who was ‘for him’.

I feel like his fs treats him to small little but meaningful to him presents a lot. I feel like his fs treats him a bit like a puppy. When he does something that pleases them he gets rewards when he annoys them he gets kicked out of the bedroom and has to sleep on the couch 🌝

A lot of my cards relate to destiny and fate. Im starting to feel like possibly their name means one of these things. And just their relationship story in general. I think to others it might seem that Jay has high expectations (and he does) but to them it’s like ‘I’m the only one who he will ever love” yeah

Beginning of the relationship they moved a little too fast definitely. Like 2 months in and they were living with each other. But when they realised there was nothing else to do but get married and have some kids now they both knew that they should’ve slowed down. Now they felt unsettled and it took awhile for things to click back in place; I feel like Jay got his own place which the both of them agreed would be best until you know, they know each other more.

His fs is a career woman, they move often for work reasons. Jay comes along too. He likes travelling the world with his favourite person.

His fs has a lot of goals and Jay has mostly check boxed all his goals. So it’s really just Jay tagging along while his fs goes through their ambitions.

[alucart]

actually fuck it lmao

got hired late september. started actual work in october. started off as a seasonal worker. every day i woke up for work i was dreaded it. it was so much work. i was fatigued everyday but i still had to give it my all or else i was "lazy". if i moved too slow i was considered rude to customers. if i dont smile im rude. if i take a minute to process something then "something is wrong with me." like. Okay. lmao.

obviously when applying for jobs i dont list the fact that im bipolar. hell, i probably have adhd. but beside the point, the fact i have to act a certain way just to keep a job thats barely paying me shit was so. annoying. the fact that while working seasonal i had to put up with so much shit was ridiculous. november and december was so awful. im still mad i had to wake up at like 4am to get to work at 5am and then the store wasnt even busy until 12am. and we had to wear red and make sure everything was perfect bc the ceo was coming to the store? LMAO?

after my seasonal hours were over i thought i was free. i wasnt working for like two weeks but i at least got to spend time with my family. clean. take care of myself. i actually got back to drawing, something i havent been able to do for months. and then they called me back for a full time position. of course i took it because i wasnt finding anything else but it mightve been the worst mistake like ever.

like i must preface, that i got the job for the seasonal position in the first place without an interview, and like, yes i knew that was fishy at the start but also, ive been looking for a job for over two years so i was desperate. somehow the full time position was even worse than the seasonal position. my manager felt more annoying.

not to mention at this point they were making me do shit that i was never hired to do. why am i organizing clothes? i take returns? why are you making me cover in the handbags department? i work in returns and help people with online orders? why are you making me pack online orders? I WORK IN RETURNS, HELP PEOPLE WITH ONLINE ORDERS AND I HAVE PROCESS RETURNS FOR ORDER PICKUPS THAT WERE NEVER PICKED UP?

honestly madness. i had many breakdowns. over not wanting to go back to work. one time i had a stomach virus and had to stay home from work and was so miserable and literally panicking because i thought i could lose my job from being sick. i had a coworker that they also hired full time and she got fired because she "took too many breaks" meanwhile there was another coworker that took way more too many breaks.

while working there i saw many people get fired. like i dont know. and it was constantly understaffed. one time my manager asked me if i could work for 50 hrs one week and i told her "i'll think about it" only to find that weekend she changed my schedule without asking. (i had a breakdown that weekend).

when they had me set up my availability i had changed it so i would get mondays and tuesdays off because i realized i need two days off in a row instead of two random ass days and they didnt even. abide by that. and by the time it was like that on my schedule i already lost my job because i "violated company policy" because i accidentally scanned some fake coupons. which mind you, i never did anything wrong at the job beforehand so i shouldve really got a warning instead of being straight up fired.

but i honestly think they just wanted to get rid of me because i couldnt get enough people to sign up for a credit card, which again, i work in returns, so most people doing a return do not want to apply to a card. to expect someone in returns to have someone sign up for a fucking credit card everyday is insane. telling people that its not really a credit card is even more insane. the fact that im still stressed out over this because im fucking unemployed is. insane!!! and i dont even know if i can get unemployment. i feel like crying.

[gayspock]

ok whatever

i feel s fucking disconnected i feel like im crazy whenever im withpeople i cant even trickmyself into feeling like im on the same plane of existence and cant fucking understand any of it i cannotfucking care. i fucking hate being so alone but i dont fucking care any more and its toomuch i cant handle and yep yep yep im not fuckign "enough" to fucking fight it or whatever the fuck thatmeans but i dont fucking care because no matter what its never going tomake a damn difference . and i dont know i keep fuckingwanting it so badly and thats the conceit of it all fucking losing my mind . trying but i dontknow whats wrong with me or whats so fucking funny about me . and when im trying.something something . rejection is one thing . i get it and i expect it now or just whatever but. idontknow what else to do though i feel like i always jsutburn myself out triyng to be part of peoples lives and howevermuch i care itsjust a joke its always just a fucking joke and it never makes a difference and i jsut fucking recede and it never matters when i do that either or whatever i jsut i want to feel fucking tangible but i dont know what to do anymore because i feel so fucking alien all the fucking timelike everyone. fucking. talks. about. loneliness oh im so fucking alone i dontfucking know i want to punch them when theyvehad partners when they talk to their family wqhen literally fucking anything jsut fucking anything i just want to have someonefucking know i exist in some fucking capacity liek i spend months, years without fuckinganyhting and even before then what . i odnt know. i used to come home from schoolcrying because i just wanted to be taken seriously but i feel like peoepl just always included me cuz i was kind of a funny joke at worst and incidental at best like we'll never rremember you, you'll never be invited to anything, we'll neve rbring you along, we'll never include you in the same way we remember everyone else. theres a point of like i know im meant to ask . sometimes i can get that.but i dont know. why do i alwayshave to do that why is it always exerting so much time and energy when ihavenothing left any morre to ty and force myself into peoples lives . when the others dont. when nobody else in that situation had to try and fucking make it happen. when i dont think they want me there ever. and i just wantthat to be fucking wanted in some way to fucking exist in soem capacity that isnt me in my own fucking head going nuts . like oh we rememberedyou in the same way everyone else is a part of this but even that its like. i dontknow even thats so . so fucking dumb and fucdking hard to fucking everconceive of those once in every so many years occurences that happen less and less. its so mortifying crying about it all like that . somethimng soething. you know when reality kicksin again cuz you realise THAT. the shit that you used to fucking sobabout for hours and hours at night cuz u felt so fucking alone and isolated all the fucking time was the best it was ever going to be and the easiest it was ever going to be.

and its just so much fuckingharder to ever do it now because i know at our age nobodys ever going to have the time or patience to deal with afucking headcase and i go to work and italk to people and i jsut feel people fucking laughing at me and i go to spaces and i feel myself seizingup. even the places where you think itmight be easier more accepting. the "theyre all alone there must be something wrong with them" laughsthat you get the fact you dont have anything inyour life any more you dont have anything to talk about youre just nothing but a fucking whole bunch of failures. andits like i cant ezxpect it right i cant expect anyone to like me and its not fair to cry atpeople for not liking me when its jsut like . dude youre just annoying and a loser and its not that deep but yeah it means youjre gonna be alone a nd i odnt know i cant talk straight any more and imso exhausted all the time andim getting more tired and theres nothing and yourwhole life is eaten up bytrying to stay afloatikeep thinking about whats going to happen how its always on the precipice howi dont have enough in me to fget through anything how one bad thing can happen and it can set me back months, years because i cantmanage it on my own but what else is ther ei cant do anything i keep trying things they just fucking mean nothing i feel like i go home on my own and spiral and i just reallydo want help and peoplejsut tell you to ask for it but then when you do itdoes nothing and idont understand how it jsut happens for otherpeople how they can just . even find some asort of connection i cant fucking read anytihng about it i feel like whenever i do experiencde media with someone talking about their loneliness even then theres something fucking tethering them some fucking distant fucking connection i fele like im going fucking nuts im kidding i always say that who cares i havent had a conversation with someone in years i think ive had more birthdays alone than ive ever had with another person i cant manage to do anything but spiral i kepegetting angry at everyone and idont know theres a part of me that feels sick with myself theres anotherpart of me that jsut wants to let it happen cuz what does it matter its never going to matter even if im mad its funny topeople its a fucking funnnyyyyyy joke in the end if they even notice at all and i just dont know what i do wrong i dont know because even when i go back and i analyse everything over and overagain its nothing its just always just the. yourejust not fucking enough for anyhting youre just not enough wevn when you give your all you cant do anything right i cant do anything right and fair enoughryeah like fair enough nobody stays for that because what do you give topeople you can care but eveyrone can fucking careand at the end of the day youre just a burden blah blahj balh i feel fucking crazyyyysmile gorgeous smile

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

aight im just here for a quick (had to come back to the top after i finished writing to say i say quick and then promptly write every single thought my mind is spawning) one because now my brain is functional instead of sleepy so i could read your response proper

i sure hope this read more works bc i only just realised i can apparently indeed insert these on asks and- yeah. i try to spare others' dashes when i can,,

(this was supposed to be short i swear, but your response also got my floodgates wide open 💦)

before the main rambly section i have to just say random or more specific teams good 👍 I've always been more on the casual side for teams, and still am, even if I do try to strategise a bit more seriously nowadays (i have no idea how "serious" that actually is, though. probably not very). very much a "win with the ones you love, not who people say are the strongest" person here, which naturally doesn't usually fit best in a competitive setting unless you learn how to do it really well, and I doubt I'm quite at that level, but hey, I try a little at least. in fact, I rather doubt I'd have even gotten to this point of slightly competitive if it weren't for my stubborn streak and *cough* my sibling learning a little bit. that's really what started it. suddenly losing every fight had me itching to catch up so that at least it was relatively even. that, and what I learned from that was actually really useful for a really specific game (battle revolution on the wii- the hardest battles on that are so much suffering without a strong team with strategy- well, i had the other game version so i didn't personally experience it, but i witnessed my sibling suffering against a water spout choice scarf kyogre that annihilated things terrifyingly well. my game's version of that fight was mildly kinder, but still rather tough), so, uh, yeah. somehow i ended up at the point of semi-serious but hopefully still mostly fun. ...I remember asking for help testing a semi-serious semi-fun team for an oc once and my sibling was facing my porygon-z with a jolteon. i'd given the porygon-z an iron ball and trick. it was glorious. moments when porygon-z can outspeed a jolteon (the reaction was wonderful :'D). so yeah, I love fun teams with a hint of seriousness :D anyway-

why do i feel like i am about to speed read pokespe all the way from the start again lmeo (i'll have to check the oras chapter since you've got me curious now, thank you :] ) also childe an unholy mix of red and gold holy shi- that sent me- apparently that got a tiny noise out of me bc someone asked if something was funny. okay. moving on,

didn't really expect an explanation of why it's the specific number of 5 for each of them, but that's so specific and so valid. i can totally see that, that makes a lot of sense to me?? i never really thought about it but 5 does feel like a more balanced number...

i also totally missed the note about nidoqueen maybe for childe?? i saw the others, just. not nidoqueen. but you're right, nidoqueen would fit. so now in my mind there's a war of who would be most fitting for that last team slot, because they all would fit,, pawmot is both adorable and looks like it could be a bit of a cute menace in battle (and i think that its secondary typing is fighting also fits, because, y'know, fighting-), luxray- i am biased towards luxray i can't quite explain it. luxray is cool and also in terms of delusion, well- the black fits. obviously more than that, too- i just can't quit think of how to put that in words though. gengar would definitely be cool to represent the abyss a lil, also because my word are those things speedy and they can be annoying in a fight. and, yeah, nidoqueen would fit too. it'd be cool both from the perspective of maybe abyss representation on his team and also you know? sometimes there would be like one pokemon on a seemingly type-specific team that just stands out? it'd be like that. i can't quite explain why gengar wouldn't give me as much of that vibe (maybe because ground and water are "further apart" as far as types go, in my mind).

zhongli- first of all, that's way too many options for my mind to sort through and ramble about, though that's possibly for the better??? although i am inclined to say bastiodon, claydol and torterra seem to fit the vibe better (drampa as a joke absolutely, though), but that's not a particularly thought-through response, just the impression i happen to be getting at this moment. also you're right,,,, the lack of suitable dragon types is..... painful, to say the least,,, i kinda have to wonder why there have to be so few- and i could be wrong, but the older generation ones would probably fit better than the newer generation ones, just from what little i've seen 😔 ngl, i struggle a bit with some of the newest gens' designs, probably just because they feel rather different to the ones i am used to, though

xiao- well. now then. silver vibes, huh- okay, i hadn't thought of that. i think i can see it, of course no mistreating his pokemon, yes. and i can definitely see him having an umbreon or mightyena. crobat and shedinja would also be cool though yes. a particular vibe. shedinja is just,,, funky, anyway. also small. ish. i love how xiao's team spot on your showdown there is simply called tiny. no poking fun, just... that's so cute,, though none of them really stand out more than the others to me... huh. if it was umbreon or mightyena, he'd have a majority of dark types. that's interesting.

i literally can't think of anything to say for what you said for the twins. im just sitting here nodding because- yeah. that all fits very nicely. it just fits so nicely. the matching duos. so so good. also childhood shared pokemon eevee,,, that's a beloved idea,, i love that a lot

and going straight to the battle formats, then. doubles for the twins really only makes sense now that you mention it. just- that's what'd be natural for them... really love your ideas on the battle formats for the others, too. ... childe doing triples sometimes just for the chaos is definitely something that would happen. oh and i absolutely have to agree with the ideas for him and the contests- he would. he just would. also, when it comes to contests, i guess it's not that different from- like, in his character stories, it mentions that one tiny bit about public performances, that he often watches them and even sometimes participates? it fits perfectly with that kind of thing. he would make top tier pokeblocks and/or poffins too i bet.

... i think i've hit the end of the response thought ramble. my word did that become like, 10 times longer than what i originally thought and intended,,,, *glances at time* I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR AND A HALF??? why- why am i even surprised. any true ramble takes me so much time to write and (legit quickly) check but,,, what.

well then. 👍👍 thanks for your ramble, and uh, thanks for letting me ramble on your ramble?? fr though, if i ever ramble a bit too much, let me know,,, anyway, would love to enable you more on this wherever and whenever possible. as i think i already kinda commented before i passed out last night, looking forward to seeing the kamisato siblings and thoma for this au :D

hahah no worries, i can't see the read more on the ask so i guess we'll have to see if it works once this is posted

i welcome the rambles dw EDIT: well yours doesn't work, it seems. i shouldn't be surprised, this is tumblr, after all

you're so right, childe would make the meanest poffins and pockeblocks. tonia would pull up to school with the best-smelling pastries and everyone would be like where'd you get those??? where'd you buy them???????? and she'd make this proud pose n be like 'my brother made them' like it's some exclusive chic store or smth. watch her make an empire in seventh grade selling childe's poffins to her classmates lmao

i feel like most of the ground and rock types fit zhongli, it's only a matter of picking which works best. and i think there being no dragon types that match is probably to do with the only chinese dragon-looking pokemon being...............................gyarados..................... and the rest aren't anywhere near the same vibe. like half the dragon pokemon don't even look like dragons. vibraba would've been a perfect fit with its type but why does it have to look like a bug?? like i know why but still. also dragonair. everything in that line up to dragonair would be perfect if only the last evo wasn't such a departure from the previous two.

also there's definitely a noticeable difference between the newer gen's designs, but i think it was bound to happen. times change. and you're right in that it's probably just bc we're not used to them. i mean they do put out some banger designs sometimes so it isn't like the quality has gone down as drastically as some would say. or at all. and saying the later designs are bad just bc i don't like them would imply i like all the designs from the older gens without exceptions. which isn't the case.

anyway uh- yeah, the kamisato siblings + thoma piece is in the works, but it might take a bit what with the whole.... arranging all three of them + all their pokemon (which makes 15)

so------ thank you! always happy to get rambly comments hahah

[ifuckingloveryoshu]

“Sometimes I RP her working at 7/11” ok you can’t just say that I need to know more.

Im not doing it right now because I have to focus on my studies and I want to do other things. It's nothing too special, there's this roblox roleplay game called Zaibatsu and I just rped her in either the coffee shop or the 7/11, working there. My crack idea was after dieing to Erlking Heathcliff, she gets isekaied and needs to find a job because she's effectively homeless so she has forged documents so she can apply to places to get her foot in the door.

If you also see Chief Butler Ryoshu working at The Dinner or somewhere in Skies Over Milwaukee, or Helix Ascent, that's probably me. I've tried to rp Cheif Butler Outis too but it doesn't have the same omph or vibe. Sometimes when I rp Outis, I fear I'm putting Ryoshu's traits into her. Also, i just have less fun playing Cheif Butler Outis. I'm better doing Base Identity Outis.

The rest of this is yapping about roleplay. Thanks for the ask!

In roblox, you get weird people trying to get with her due to the fact she's a maid. I don't like those people, esspically the ones who take threats of violence against them as 'hot'. I try my best to be as blunt to them as possible. I'm a freak but I keep that to my tumblr, keep that in mind. Another downside of rping her or any Project Moon character on roblox is having to sanatize them because of the filter. I can't say I'm getting any real practice with her honestly. I do love trying to play her though. I'm not great doing her, esspically her SANGRIAS on the fly but its neat. I also have a crack spiderman ryoshu au I've wanted to rp and test out but I can't find anyone (or im shy. or lazy. maybe all three.)

Rps on roblox aren't good but I revel in how insane some people can be. I also feel visually stimulated seeing the builds and everyone walking around with their avatars and props, it gives me a sense of joy seeing the creations. Plus, anyone can easily jump in and jump out, and its expected most rps are short term unless you got friends to organize an rp with. I dunno, my nature likes it.

I can't rp on roblox too much because rp in general is like crack for me once I start going. I love rping still, im just terrified of ghosting people because that's my bad habit. I already have multiple rps I have not responded to in months on discord and two I have yet to organize with people I said "I want to roleplay with you." I don't mean it to be rude and I do my best to tell my partners straight up the risk that I will ghost you. But I still love doing it, I love writing though it takes a lot of effort. For good reason, because all creative persuits should hold a meaning to the artist and its a form of expression. Experssion also takes effort that I don't have 100% of all the time. Dang ADHD and Autism also effecting my head.

I would love to yap more about it I suppose but I've gone so long conditioning myself not to talk about rp. Plus, I get scared re-reading my rps. Also, I find myself getting too emotional with things that happen in rp and as good as that emotional vunrability is, I'm terrified of it. It's very easy to get lost in, its one of the reasons I haven't been responding to my rps. But it's supposed to be safe place to express everything, I just don't know.

Obligatory, I make no promises (I mostly make no promises at all because I struggle to keep them) of keeping my rps with anyone, they may not even start or even if they start, i might ghost you or dissapoint, but I'd love talking about and attempting at least. I got ocs, i've rped Outis, Meursault, and Ryoshu. I really love crossovers. I have a bad case of "I see something new and shiny and I feel impulsive so I persue that and then posibly lose intrest in what I was doing before but the old thing will constantly haunt me so then I get anxiety and never come back." and I think that's how I explain that.

[1-talk-alot]

Okayyyyy yeah I got terminated but if I hadn’t got terminated you’d be able to go back and see alllllll the shit about M (code name) and im not going to re explain it so whatever

Short rant ahead!!!!

I vagely remember saying that I would talk about this topic again unless something happened and ig something did happen but whatever whatever im making no sense

Soooo today in fact M, E and C (and me!) we’re in dance bcs we have no choice and we were like standing around because idk and E goes to the bathroom so im sitting down and M and C are there and Ms talking shit about someone and I’m like “wait who” and they’re like “Ph it’s nothing don’t worry about it!” And im not stupid and I HATE how they think I’m just gonna be like “Okay! I will assume it’s someone who I don’t know or someone who you have already told me about because im an empty headed idiot with no opinions, logic, or ability to work things out on my own!” LIKE?????? Anyways I just assume its one of my friends or me because you im not an empty headed idiot like they apparently think!

Sooooooooo E comes back and we do our dance and (this next bit is a bonus issue) idk if M even like notices but they neeeeeeeeed to stop standing so close to my face like please?? I keep stepping back and you keep coming closer like stop

So whatever our group has another break and M jumps up and says(to C) “okay anyways I wanna keep shittalking them now!” And they open their phone and I can quite obviously see E’s pfp on their phone and i atp go to tell E “hey theyre talking about you” but like even I know that I don’t have to because theyre full on standing 1 foot away. Like Ik some people are just dicks who make it clear they don’t like you and they talk about you knowing you can hear them because they want you to feel shit but keep in mind everyone in our group are meant to be “bestfriends” or whatever. I didn’t hear exactly what was said I just know it was to do with some text message or whatever.

Sidetrack! (Because I do that a lot) they also expect me to move into an apartment with them when we’re older?? Idk but its weird because one it’s not gonna happen, two I know exactly what I wanna do and im going to live alone, three in the time period im not living alone (because I know that’ll happen too) I wanna live with E, A, or just some stranger who I can get to know and become friends with. It sounds mean but there’s no way im going to wind up in an apartment with M and theyre being so oblivious about it despite my multiple attempts to tell them my life plan

Back to the story uh there’s not story left just WHAT THE FUCK???? This next sentence may sound sarcastic but it’s a genuine question do you want the world to know what you said aboit E?? It would be bad anyways but you’re standing 1-2 feet away????? Literally that whole day I’ve been doing my regular “I wanna talk to my friends without seeming intrusive so im gonna stand” thing and almost whenever I actually do get to talk to my friend they just intrude and I know it sounds selfish bcs idk how to explain how I know they’re doing it on purpose?? And then they try to like steer me somewhere else like the canteen or like anywhere???

Let’s finish on a sidetrack ok I think its safe to say that theyve got shit going on for themselves and every once in a while they (out of nowhere, mind you) strike up a point like “if I died you guys wouldn’t care and 1 what do I even say??? Like I’d care obviously but what do I say? And two even when I do say like anything theyre just like “you’ll live.” Like ok am I not meant to? Because it sounds like you’re mildly pissed at the fact that I wouldt follow you if you died or smth

That also happened today and honestly idk what theyre even tryna do? Like youre making a point that you’re obviously sour about and then when we try to reassure you you’re just reject it?? So what are we supposed to do then? This happens often and im soooo tired of it because it’s a lose-lose game like there’s no good option anyways

(Disclaimer excuse spelling mistakes bcs I didn’t proof read this I just wanted to post it finally)

In conclusion I shouldddd (“deal with it in a mature and organised way so that no one gets hurt!”) commit identity fraud!

Bye bye :3

[mygladur]

guess its time for me to try and explain myself again

first off, I want you to know that I am trying to improve myself and move on from what I did. I cant express with words how much I regret it and how guilty I feel for causing this damage. I will have to wait until the end of summer to talk to a therapist unfortunately, but I am doing my best to improve on my own until then. I know I cant undo what I've done, but I can at least learn and try to improve myself based on my past mistakes.

I really have no excuse for lying about my age, it was a really bad move that I should not have done at all. at the time, I thought being hypersexual was a good reason for it, but it absolutely is not. being hypersexual does not excuse low impulse control.

the proship thing is what I regret most about this, and I understand why people cant forgive me for it. the best I can do is explain how I got into that, and why I've now changed my mind about proshippers. I had found myself in an echo chamber of sorts, where I was slowly convinced that proshippers "arent that bad" and that people who hate them are "just overreacting." I am very ashamed of myself for letting these beliefs get to me, but I can comfort myself with the knowledge that I am not like that anymore. I managed to get myself out of that mindset, and I now despise proshippers as much as the next guy. proshippers are disgusting. there are no "but"s that can change that. though, I am aware that even though I've changed, it wont undo the fact that I did have that mindset at some point. the regret of it will take a good while to leave me, but I'd say that's a good thing, because at least I am aware of how much of a mistake it was to let myself get into that mindset.

the reason why I kept bugging that minor about drawing lewd art of brulo was because I genuinely didnt know they were uncomfortable. I didnt pick up on the obvious signs that they were uncomfortable with it, and I thought their protests were just part of the joke. its not their fault at all, as I should've known better and picked up on the signs that they really didnt like this "joke." I've learned to be more careful with these kinds of jokes now, and to look out for signs of the person being uncomfortable. I feel terrible for pressuring them like that, and if they somehow find this and read this; I am so sorry for misunderstanding your discomfort.

I feel horrible about the way I treated johnny as well. I get very aggressive when Im having breakdowns, even though I dont mean to. but even though I didnt mean to do it, it still happened, I still treated him like shit when he was just trying to help me. I understand why people refer to my constant breakdowns as suibaiting, but I really did try almost every time. I always failed, either because I was a coward or because my method wasnt working at all, which is where the suibait belief comes from. that's not to shame people who believe it was suibaiting, because I get it. Im trying to figure out healthier ways to deal with these breakdowns, because I dont want to make someone feel like johnny did again. I cant imagine the stress my dumb complaining and aggressive behavior put johnny through, and I feel awful for making him feel that way.

the reason why I came onto tumblr under a new alias was because I wanted to keep sharing my art and dumb ramblings. I didnt expect nor want this blog to become popular, and I had already planned to delete it if that ever were to happen. I am not made for handling big fanbases, as I've seen other people who have similar problems to me lose touch with reality and misuse their fanbases in various ways, which I dont want. though, I now feel like I shouldnt try to be on social media at all until I fully improve myself, even if its just an account with no followers on a site no one uses. social media is most definitely turning back the improvement I've already made, so I shouldnt be on it until there is no risk of me going back to my old ways.

with this post, I am not asking for forgiveness. no one is obligated to forgive me, and I'll understand no matter the reason. I am simply trying to explain myself and apologize for the damage I've caused. I really hope that people will at least understand what Im trying to say, even if they dont forgive me in the slightest. and once again, I am so sorry to everyone I've hurt, and I hope that it didnt leave any long lasting effects on anyone. I hope you all have a great rest of your day, and thank you for reading.

Okay, hi, sorry for abandoning Tumblr, but something important came up that I need to share with the Tumblr side of the Fandom.

This account is ran by bagel, who if you don't know

- lied about their age to get into n/sfw spaces

- liked mauricexpeppino art and supported someone who was openly proship

- tried pressuring a minor into drawing lewd artwork of brulo from antonblast (this was before they revealed their true age which made it 5x creepier)

- treated me like garbage everytime I tried comforting them during their suibaits

All I can recommend is to block and move on, don't give them any attention 👍

[insufferable-talkstuck]

fo da classpecting

first things first I am incredibly lonely; come to think of it, my entire family is lonely. I was pretty isolated in my childhood, and no matter how I tried to talk to others, people eventually forgot I existed. I dont socialize with a lot of people now and i dont know how to. Same deal with my family, they think they have new friends in a new neighborhood and suddenly nobody is talking with them much anymore. In some instances its kind of funny when people forget that im there, and whenever I leave its like their short-term memory deletes me from their brain.

I was also a very very angry child. Im still angry but i repress it around people. One thing that really annoys me is when people assume im "pure" or "innocent" when i do not view myself like that at all. Its so goddamn weird when I do something and someone else is like "you're a little ray of sunshine!" no i am not. Stop acting like i am a baby. Im an angry and vengeful person who's become depressed enough to not have the energy to actively pursue my vengeance spree. I can only do it in my mind because of the no-energy thing, where im fucking shit up in a violently physical way. in my mind, they always deserve it.

I dont care about liars at all, however its a specific type of liar. if you lie to protect something other than yourself, thats fine. if you lie for malicious reasons i hope you get dropped off a cliff. I destroyed someone elses friendship on purpose because I lead them into exposing their own lie. It was me and 4 other people against the 1 person, and i put the idea of and encouraged/pushed the other 4 into essentially ostracizing the other person from the group. and yknow what? it was really fucking fun to do it. felt great.

Going back to the socialization thing, letting people know me is an awful feeling. I could tell someone online only my name and im already contemplating fake-deleting my account so i'll never have to talk to them again. I have been hurt repeatedly in the past by friendships and people ive trusted, so ive just adopted the principle that people cannot hurt me if they do not know me.

And not gonna lie, i do not expect to live long. im nearing the age i thought id die at and im slowly losing faith in the fact that i'll die by then, and i dont know what to do because that belief has been with me for most of my life. My whole life has just been "whats the point if im gonna die soon? why plan for anything?" and now i gotta start planning for shit because life doesnt work like that.

Prince of Time

princes are probably my favorite class, can you tell? the other classpect i thought about would be thief of space, im putting that out there if you think it's more fitting but let's get into prince of time

you say you're a very lonely person and have trouble socializing, the space bound are the designated lonely players—

—Time and Space are opposites, each one across of eachother in the aspect wheel and very different in themselves, when a player falls under a destructive class however they often neglect their own aspect and portray the opposing one ( Dirk being the prince of heart; having trouble expressing emotion, having "mind-control" like powers, destroying heart and soul.. all that. as well as Eridan the prince of hope; having outbursts of rage, destroying all hope within his session, deeming himself "hopeless" )

Time players are also associated with destruction and decay—do with that what you will i thought it should be stated considering your whole outlook on things

aand lastly the age concern, in hindsight it's extremely stupid to take a depressing attitude you have twords living and turn it into a reason for classpecting but that's what you're here for and I deliver. being a Prince of Time somebody who destroys time wouldn't be too uncharacteristic of an assumption to make about someone who doesn't think they have a lot of time left

๑ a prince of time would be extremely dangerous to have in a session and could very easily break the game, anyway, this was the best i could do go hit some clocks bye ๑

[keefwho]

June 24 - 2023 Saturday

10:18 AM

I feel like it’s possible that I could fall into the same slump as I did last weekend if I don’t watch myself. This is a valuable challenge though. This time there are some important distinctions. Firstly, I have the reassurance I need that friends and companions will not just disappear. Having that important conversation a few nights ago was very important in helping me realize that. Also the time I took exercising those first 3 ACT skills have helped get me out of my own head for now. I know it’s easy to slip up but right now I feel confident that with a little effort, this could be a fine weekend. 

On the surface my immediate stress/general upsetness comes from wanting to spend time with people I have deep connection with but I currently cannot. I already talked about this last weekend, it’s perfectly valid that they are unavailable on the weekends. It’s up to me to have other contacts or be able to happily exist by myself for a bit. The biggest thing that helps me achieve that is believing they will always be back. Even if we’re apart, we are together. Thats the kind of reassurance I think is normal, as opposed to an unhealthy desire to know someone won’t leave. I was lacking basic requirements that were largely brought about by my own thoughts and beliefs. I’m good for now. 

Now I have to figure out what to actually do with my weekend. I think I want to work on my next VRchat world and maybe play my Switch a little. If I feel more generally social, there are a couple people in mind I could try hanging out with. I also have the option to take a gummy which could be likely. 

12:21 PM

Currently evaluating myself and how I feel right now, keeping in mind the exercises I did the past few days. I have thoughts nagging at me that aren’t true, making me feel bad about myself. It’s classic “Since I’m not prioritized, I am not wanted whatsoever.” This one happens way too frequently, so much so that it’s starting to lose its effect just when I noticed it. Like when I was struggling with anxiety and I would fear the same thing over and over but it would never happen. It’s starting to become goofy how often I feel this way but I’m always proven wrong. I also got a little perspective on myself and my relation to others. I’d say all morning I was in the mindset of trying to please or live up to someone else’s expectations of me, or what I think their expectations are. It’s easy to fall into because I feel like it’s the only way to keep people around. It has the opposite effect however. I become boring because I have nothing to bring to the social table, only echoing their ideas back at them. Then when I am left alone, I realize I have nothing to show for myself. It’s a hard thing to catch and break free of. Not all my problems come from self doubt though. The fact that I can’t be spending time with my favorite person does make me sad, and that is normal. It’s a feeling that has be lived with while I branch out and discover other ways to fulfill myself. It’s okay to feel this way as long as it doesn’t consume me.

I think I need to be more vocal with what I want from others. By that I mean openly asking if someone wants to do what I want to do rather than trying to prod what they want to do just so I can get any time with them at all. I always believe that it is selfish of me to do that, or that they don’t like me enough to oblige. The reality is they will likely be into my idea and may even do it if they are unsure how they feel about it just because they like me so much. And they will just say no if they really don’t want to or can’t. I catch myself sacrificing for others too much and it would benefit me to catch myself before going too far.  

Im so ANGRY at myself, why can’t I just get over my own mind? I cause myself so much anguish for literally no reason and it makes others suffer too. I’m tired of it. I wanna chill and make lifelong friends and love myself and everyone around me. I just want to love honestly. Thats at the core of everything. I’ve suppressed myself for so long and developed many bad complexes and coping mechanisms. 

Every time I think I’m starting to gain control of myself, the smallest thing sends me spiraling back down. 

Sometimes I wonder is it really me stopping myself from believing I’m loved or do I really not get the time or attention that I need? How much is too much or too little? When is it a problem? It must be now because of how much I care about it. What should be done?