#im losing my fucking mind- i fear-
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pulled out the 3ds to play games and ended up on ao3 editing my own fucking fic instead
some of you just aren’t as sexy and insane as i am /j
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fear no mort moodbard
#IM LOSING MY MIND IM LLSING MY MIND#AAHGFHFHFHAGAHAGHGRGRGRGRRARARARARAR#IT EAS SO GOOD FUCK MY BRAIN IS GOING 1000 MPH#I NEED TO DRAW NOWWW#rick and morty#rick and morty season 7 spoiler#rick and morty season 7#pondposting#fear no mort
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I hate the stretch lines in the front of Curly's uniform because that means the devs rushed to make a model in like a month or so and thought "They gotta at least know he has huge knockers, gotta know he's got back pain." Cause like what is the thematic importance of his tits having overhang?
What responsibility is that representing? Breast reduction? It shows an inherent greed in his character due to the excess and heshouldletmeholdone and that he clearly is blinded cause if he tries to look down his damn ladder all he's seeing is his own cleavage.
#this is my curly slander post ig#disclaimer i need you to understand i see all fictional men i like as like butches Curly is no exception#but like they didnt need to add that many polygons to his chest like its unnessary and honestly a little mean he already has so many things#to handle and you expect him to hold those boys up like that just aint right this is like something so stupid but i know you can tell im#having strong feelings about it cause like what was the point why did they survive the fucking crash it has to be a injoke at this point#with the devs it shouldnt make me this mad im turning into a misandrist but only towards large chested men#mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#shitpost#suggestive#ig because this is just about his chest but like also they made him objectively pretty for no reason like yeah like ideal man and work ig#but they went over the extra mile like i have a right to be mad they did that much for a model we see canonically for like two seconds its#crazy actually how little we see of curly pre crash because we also lose his physical movements to help characterize him the way we see#body language with the other characters and how it gives way to their struggles and personalities and sentiments in certain moments#like all he does and how he emotes is stifled by the fact we always play as him until the last moments where he takes over to try and save#the ship and crew and even right before that the scene is so wrought with tension we cant tell what that look he gave Jimmy meant due to#the limitations of the models and how stiff Curly is like was it fear acceptance denial we dont know enought about how he acts himself#to tell and then everything else is charaterized by what Jimmy had done to where we dont really just get to see Curly as himself like Anya#and Swansea and Daisuke we have no idea how theyd act in a regular moment outside of a few glimpses and even then it is them doing#their jobs like grrrr we hate an unreliable narrator but also its the fact jimmy clearly does not interact with them or try to outside of#his position as copilot and then captain harkening back to the entire capitlist view of utility and how he views all of them as useless eve#Curly which fandom tangent the fandom also tends to do to Curly as they base every trait on what they think he failed to do as Captain#between Jimmy and Anya when the QnAs kinda make him out to be a rather open and willing person but still someone who isnt like a push over#just thinking of QnA three where it mentions hes very open to trying new things and you need to be an open minded person to open urself up#to failure like that and ig this is just the weird view that Curly needs to learn that or that theres redemption he needs personality wise#verses healing and learning from trauma like idk its the idea that people assume he did abosultely nothing when the games points out direct#and throught parallels he was taking actions its just wasnt enough and an over focus on absolute inaction vs ineffective methods used to#tackle the issues and themes the game grapples with plus wanting someone to take the blame and have to make it up to Anya even tho#i think it would mean nothing from Curly because she saw his efforts and would be disappointed it wasnt enough but the idea she would#disregard the attempts or not acknoweldge Jimmy as the epicenter compared ot Curly is weird and too focused on someone
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Me after lore dropping my sister about Bittersweet and how I like Seth and understand him, she just turns to me, eyebrow raised and says "Oh, you got mommy issues then?" 😦
#yuurivoice#yuurivoice bittersweet#yuurivoice seth#like damn#what did i do wrong to deserve that bro 😭#im actually losing my mind#SHE IS NEVER TOUCHING MY YUURIVOICE PRINTS WHEN THEY ARRIVE FUCK THAT 😭#she clocked me bad i fear 😔
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I desperately need to learn every instrument under the sun you dont understand. I need this so bad. it might just be that I forgot to take my meds but I dont have time to sleep. I need to learn electric guitar.
#raven rambles#lifes too short. so. I need a cello. and a violin. and a flute. and a bass. and a trumpet. and a drum set. right fucking now.#its two in the fucking morning and I want so badly. to make music. what is this.#all consuming ocd fear of death and punishment episode and a sudden appreciation for music is an odd combination#but this is a healthier coping mechanism than. whatever has been happening for the past six months. so this is fine.#im losing my mind and sense of reality but the soundtrack is impeccable
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...the "nothing happened" scene has caused my brain to latch on to zoro with a vice grip. send help.
#this pathetic commited hard shell hiding inner softness little cunt! i hate him i hate him so much im so mad im so fucking just. just.#he does not believe in anything above his goals. until he believes in his crew that is. and people are fragile things and they mean#SO much to him it makes me sick he makes me sick fucking moss-head little bitch.#& like the way it recontextualizes zoro's priorities makes his behaviour in the previous saga hit so much harder... losing my mind.#absolutley losing my mind.#... fuck i think i'm a little in love with him.#AND HE DIDN'T LET SANJI DO IT! HE COULD HAVE! you could bring up honour but zoro only cares about that as a SWORDSMAN.#& like tbh thematically speaking it's reductive to say it pertains to whether sanji would be “strong enough” especially when considering ho#much op decries needlessly given sacrifice wholesale. it wasn't about that. these are people zoro cares about & he doesn't want to lose#them. he won't sellout luffy for the crew & he won't let anyone else make that choice & he won't let luffy know he did it. he's#committed to being the world's greatest swordsman but first & foremost he is committed to his CREW. to the group of strays he loves!#& just the throughlines of fear & commitment w zoro... & the forced question of what is strength when faced with the loss of those you love#hands are fucking shaking absolutley fucking losing my mind.#this stupid fucking lug of meat.#HE MADE ME FUCKING CRY.#oh god the way it reframes him swearing to luffy to never lose again after the duel w mihawk... the subtle character development. cryin..#roronoa zoro#grey's one piece tag
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Hey fellas. Piece of advice, never get lost in trying to make a fourteen sided die with nothing but scissors, a protractor, tape, paper and a determination to make someone a fourteen sided die for their birthday. Just don’t.
#I wanted to make a die with the tma fears because I thought it would be fun#turns out I wasn’t able to find a pattern to print for a fourteen sided die anywhere!#so I thought#how hard could it be#and then I cut out two halfcircles and made them into 7 sided pyramids#(do those even qualify as pyramids?)#having to get out my calculator to find out was 180 divided by 7 was to figure out the angle of each face and painstakingly fold it#anyway first one was looking good the second absolutely horrific#and here’s me on the brink of giving up but also having nothing better to do and i’d hate to leave this little project unfinished#so I keep going and absolutely losing my mind#there is definitely an easier and much smarter way to do this but alas I am no person of such intellect#or knowledge of three dimensional geometry#and if anyone says “well technically there are 15 fears”#I will throw my paper snippets at you#lovingly#jk fuck you for that as if im making a fifteen sided die i’m not THAT stupid#but still stupid at the end of the day#love being alive hastag blessed#rambles
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Writing over 30,000 words worth of content for a fic only to realize it’s all pointless because you have no interest in it anymore and you were never gonna finish it anyway….
What even is The Point anymore
#current mood#it’s so joever#this isn’t even the worst part honestly#what really sucks is that this project was the last thing in my life I had any sustainable interest in and now that’s gone too.#now I have nothing. like#the fuck am I supposed to do??? get a new interest??? that’s fucking impossible#nothing hits like it used to and everything is just….bland….and SO MUCH EFFORT to get into#like hobbies are so difficult? and my old hobbies (ex writing) are becoming more and more toxic and like a chore rather than something fun#like writing at this point has become a battle of perfectionism and I’m fucking losing#what am I supposed to do. nothing inspires me. I have no interests. no hobbies. not many friends irl#and it’s not like we ever hang out because people are a fucking piece of work#either they cling to you like dog shit or they never respond to your texts no in between#im just so tired of existing??? and also college??? is fine but like#what the fuck am I DOING here like#why am I getting an art degree??? is this really how I should be spending my time and my parents money?#what the fuck am I gonna do for a job??? what do I WANT from a job???? I don’t even fucking know#i can’t see myself being happy in life doing anything and that’s such a nonstarter#it makes it impossible to start planning anything because I feel paralyzed with fear#and like I said….i don’t have any interests. I don’t LIKE anything. I am the antithesis of curiosity and interest like. there’s just nothing#i can’t do this anymore#im so done#idk why I made this so long but#I guess I have a lot on my mind I wanted to share#sorry for cringe posting on main it will happen again#im sorry in general actually for everything im sorry for being needy and attention seeking and annoying and flaky and never finishing any of#my fics because I lose interest and for not responding to anyone in my inbox I’m sorry#personal#cringe#cringetober#long tags
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got a sudden jolt of pain from my stomach to my chest but it made my guts not hurt for a moment? win?
#i am shaking though. in fear and terror and horror#i dont want to go to a doctor again just to be told that im fine and this is just a severe anxiety reaction :(#which it definitely is because like. the stomach pain isnt even a pain. im just aware that i have insides#my chest doesnt hurt anymore either. so its like. its literally just me stressing myself sick over??????? fuck if i know what#its happened before like half a year ago i had to go home early once because of how bad i was feeling#god if i end up waking up through the night shaking uncontrollably again i think ill actually lose my mind#ehhh sorry gang. im a yapper and a worrier it seems
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would it be dumb and impulsive of me to adopt a cat? yes. am i tempted by a petfinder listing for a stupid looking little guy anyway? absolutely
#me.txt#listen as adorable as my rats are. its like. they arent v affectionate with me#they dont provide the type of Companionship i want from a pet#and my roommate's cat is. hm. there is a solid reason for why my roommate calls her a bitch but i think thats a tad extreme#she is scared of Everything#she wont let anyone get close to her at all w/o running away#she'll hide under my bed but she doesnt like Me she doesnt like my Roommate#honestly my roommate is. i dont know. stubborn??? for keeping her even tho she's an asshole???#anyway all that to say i would adopt my Own Cat but i fear. she'd like actually lose her mind if there was another cat in the apartment#my roommate's mentioned not knowing if getting another cat is a good idea too so.#AAAUUUUUGHHH#im such a cat person at the end of the day and i Do want a cat but like. fuck man.
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uh ohhhhhh getting all in my head again aha
#ok so even if im right what does that change#everything but ok ok. i can always just kms to atone for my sins <333#(<-normal coping mechanism with Not Being Able To Deal With The Kind Of Person You Are)#no no ok no kmsing but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bruh i thunk my brain is like. not built right#like what if thats not actually bpd. what if it IS npd after all and ive just#manipulated her into giving me the More Easily Palatable Diagnosis that allows#me (and some goodwilling others) to view myself as a victim instead of just an unsalvageable fucking monster lol#this is NOT the kind of problems i imagined myself having in my 20s#dunno why im losing my mind about rn in the middle of all this silly tumblr shenanigans but#i think my therapist is wrong. she keeps talking shit about trauma and abuse but this isnot#not right. I HAVENT HAD any truly traumating experiences. like divorced parents are normal it doesn't usually do THAT to people. that is NOT#trauma lol SA ok ig but i dont even like. think about it at all and it wasn't even actua fucking rape so like. MAYBE i could blame some#some of myunhealthy#kinks on it but thats literallyit#like me being the way i am really doesnt stem from me being a victim of abuse or anything#like there's no one to blame except for myself there is just something in me thats inherently lacking and it's driving me crazy#it's like im in a constant battle against myself where im forcing myself to feel bad about it because if i allow myself to let go#it's over. for me and for everyone i've manipulated into caring about me#it's insane it's genuinely fucking crazy i really feel like im losing my mind Sometimes#and like the worst part is i can't be fucking bothered to even try to change lol cause it's uncomfortable and it puts responsibility on me#and icant deal with that cause im a pussy and a serial quitter lmao#thats not 'fear of abandonment'. that's just being. wrongly wired. inside.#ANYWAY. never fucking mind. normal again uwu
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I have an insatiable desire to beat up Jamil’s parents again
#Jamil's backstory always gets me heated over how genuinely messed up every adult in Jamil's life is#ESPECIALLY his parents#Literally made their child incapable of speaking his mind#gave him NO SUPPORT#because they chose the asims over their kids#I don't doubt their fear of punishment and losing their jobs is real#they probably experienced terrible stuff in their past#but holy fuck instructing their son to self-sabotage and hitting him for even speaking his mind#Listen man I know I wrote the parents with more depth that they deserve in my fic but as of their less developed game selves?#im going right for the jugular#Jamil and Najma deserve better#(tho thankfully it seems Najma has more freedom to do more and Jamil is just stuck)
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misery
#i have so much i want to do with this fic the options are kind of overwhelming#and im trying to keep it canon compliant which is. almost an impossible task lol#like... timeline wise.#ada speaks#its just. breaking dennis. tearing him down to his absolute lowest and having him pretend he's so fucking normal while he loses his mind#and then season 13 starts :))) and haha havent you missed me guys i didn't miss you and everything is fine & normal#i didn't just have the absolute worst year of my life and have my ego ground to dust#after trying so hard to be the best i possibly can. opening myself up and being vulnerable and real and failing so hard. so spectacularly.#i've just confirmed my worst fears of being like my father. couldnt hack it as a dad. i'm giving up and accepting that i'm truly worthless.#but i'm still the same old dennis. haha. heehee. i'm back. is anyone going to ask why. no? ok. cool. good. let's pretend everything is fine#business as usual.
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Funny. Work hasn't been like. BAD per se. I've really been coming into my own esp now that I'm a coach, so I was like you know what? Work's alright. I'm doing alright. Life is pretty decent.
And now I have two and a half weeks off and I've been writing more than I have in like a year, I've picked up my paints again, I've gotten bored of gaming, gotten back into yoga (oh how I've missed thee without realising)... Hmm. Funny that
#i feel more creative#and like. im not dreading going back to work or anything. like i said i don't mind it#but also i fear i will lose all this progress#im gonna try and cling to it as long as i can#also i made a planning on getting properly into writing my book again so!! here's to me trying to stick to that planning!! fingers crossed!#anne speaks#also like. yes ive had breaks before! of this length-ish!#but you know the difference? those breaks i used to visit friends abroad#and yes i ADORE my friends and will use several more breaks this year to do that again. those are good holidays dw#but this break period im not doing anything. im not going anywhere. ive had three days of going out on wee trips and thats IT#ive done fuck all and i feel like ive blossomed to life again it's so fucking wonderful
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School start 11 am i get home at 10 thirty i die infinitely and forever and do it all again tomorrow
#i am going insane and losing my mind /so fucking serious baby !#i was normalizing and being so great ! *gets rejected from my backup school*#so cool ! cries until 5 am because suddenly i have so much fear ! i had 9 hours of class today because i went to extra class for 3 hours !#i need to do my homework i need to do my portfolio i am falling down the stairs in my brain and bones forever and always#i will simply stop hoping for things that wont happen and just grind out portfolio and never think about it again !#i love my perspective teacher he said he'd get me a list of designers who do work similar to one piece i have so i have references#my bestie my bestie who ive never had homework for i loveee perspective class#i have a 95 so far in perspective. the only thing that matters yeay#nobody look at me i lost all of my marbles now im just insane#the gamer speaks uwu#vent#i fucking guessssddsdddsd
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GRR a lot of my paranoia about my heart health has been coming back lately
#it used to be pretty bad a few years ago and im starting to get there again#its hard for me not to pay attention to my pulse to check that its still working fine because i honestly have a pretty big fear of dying#from a heart attack stroke etc#i can literally remember the day that it became a phobia of mine because in bio class we were reading an exerpt about a womans symptoms#as she was experiencing a stroke and like. i literally freaked myself out about it AS i was reading it i starting panicking#specifically the mention of your left art losing sensation sticks in my mind#a few days ago i read a few comments on a post about people who knew someone who died at their job#and a lot of them were about people who literally just. up and died for no reason. sitting at their desk. THAT freaked me out#cause that seems like a way id die is just out of fucking nowhere thats my luck#anyways im writing this because ive had like 2 borderline panic attacks about it today and i could feel myself freaking out a third time#a minute ago so i startd writing. thumbs up#i know im thinking irrationally but no one who dies of a heart attack expects to die. right. im probably not going to expect#it its going to Happen To me#ive read too many stories about people who either had one themself and survived or talking about someone they knew#where they say they could feel the doom and that something was wrong and etc. so when i start getting nervous it keeps snowballing#immediately into FUCK ITS THE DOOM THIS IS THE BIG ONE#when its literally not
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