#im looking at it and there's several things that are abnormal and i have no idea what that means

[andyridgeley]

its pretty fucking ridiculous that doctors just expect you to interpret your own lab results nowadays 👍

[ktjislove1119]

(๑>؂•̀๑) how they act when they're drunk

pairing : p1harmony x male reader

rating : fluffy and comedy bc im funny <3

requested : yes !!! thank u for ur request <3 plss dont b afraid to send me some more, no matter who or if its ot6 (it just might take me a thousand years...) i love getting requests sm hehe

warnings : obvs mention of alcohol and being intoxicated

ᯓᡣ𐭩 yoon keeho

i see keeho as an EMOTIONAL DRUNK, like incredibly vocal about everything he is feeling at all times. he acts just like an incredibly clingy, emotional drunk that won’t get off of you. we already know how touchy he is when hes sober (rip jiung LMAO), imagine that when he’s 1. super sensitive 2. constantly wanting to feel love from you, his boyfriend, and 3. incredibly vocal about everything but especially — wanting to physical touch from you. you’d probably have to reason with him for twenty minutes why you need to leave him for twenty seconds just to piss.

“kyo, i need to pee so bad, i don’t think you get it,”

“no! you don’t get how, if you leave me here, i’ll die. i’ll seriously die. i think i’ll stop breathing or something.”

“that won’t happen.”

“you won’t know that for sure until it happens — and then what?!”

you eventually have to settle for bringing him into the bathroom where he has the right mind to just stand in the corner in silence while you do your business. it’s a really funny sight, his head hanging low and an obvious pout on his lips.

“i feel like” is the beginning of a lot of his sentences where he proceeds to explain everything he is feeling about everything in grand detail. it’s a cute thing he does, but sometimes you do have to cut him off because he has zero filter and could possibly end up offending someone (”i feel like that girl’s boyfriend right across the couch from us, that’s staring right at us, with the really ugly outfit is really, really, ugl-” “oh! wow, shouldn’t you be drinking some more water, kyo? hahah…”)

he apologizes several times throughout the night for being so bothersome, but really, it’s not that big of a deal. just because you have to listen to him ramble for a little longer than usual and sometimes choose your words more carefully, but it really isn’t as if it’s the end of the world. just be sure to reassure him at the end of the night that you didn’t mind keeping him company and stuff and he’ll be a happy man.

“i’m sorry for being so much when i’m drunk…and always saying i won’t get drunk like this again,” he whispers softly, his hand playing with your fingers as your sat in the now quiet living space. you retract your hand from his, moving it to play with his loose strands of hair.

“it’s okay, i don’t really mind, y’know? i’ll always be here,” your smile melts his heart and for some reason he starts crying.

“i just love you so much and i don’t know what i did to deserve you, you’re the perfect boyfriend and i’m just here crying, i’m sorry,” his sobs get progressively louder and it takes everything in you to not chuckle at his abnormally emotional self. you just comfort him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear until he properly calms down into an eventual nap.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 choi taeyang

i think theo is the type of drunk to either go COMPLETELY SILENT or COMPLETELY YAP someone’s ear off. he already has so much to say when he’s sober (he’s so funny i love him), so when he’s drunk, that either gets amplified to a million or completely shut down. the night could look like you constantly asking him if he’s okay as he stares off into the void or you having to constantly stop him from causing a really messy altercation with his unfiltered opinions. he acts like a complete prince to you, though, trust he will bat his eyes all pretty and pretend as if he didn’t just insult a person to filth right in front of you.

on the nights where he goes silent, you have to constantly just nudge him and ask if he’s okay. he looks up at you with wide, blank and slowly nods his head, which makes you reiterate your question, and he does the same thing. it’s a little bit scary how quiet and to himself he gets, but at least you don’t have worry about him bouncing off the walls idk. if he ever needs help with something or just wants your attention, he will just tug on you or your clothes, literally being silent the entire time.

feeling a lazy hand pull on yours, you turn to taeyang and raise your brows in question. he motions over to the bottle of water in his hands (that he had gotten himself when you weren’t looking) and makes a twisting motion with his freehand. obviously, you comply, opening the water bottle for him and handing it over without question.

“you feeling okay?” you ask softly, sitting next to him and brushing his hair aside. he nods after gulping down the water, leaning against your shoulder and taking a deep breath. he’s so mellowed out like this that he falls asleep on your shoulder and stays like that until he wakes. he goes to sleep thankful that he has such a patient boyfriend and a smile on his face, his hand reaching for and holding yours before he knocks out.

on the other hand, if you’re dealing with the loud and chaotic taeyang, i wish you all the best…this man is a straight menace. there is a high chance he could end up pissing off the wrong person at some point of the night and you need to drag him out of a situation before it gets really bad. he’s a very straightforward man, obviously, but when he’s sober he has a filter most of the time and knows the right time and place. when he’s drunk, that differentiation he has for that goes out the window.

“why did you wear those pants and shirt, they’re ugly together.” he says frankly to a drunk keeho, whose face scrunches up at the blatant insult and looks as if he is about to cry, which taeyang then eggs on, “wait don’t cry, that’d be really sad if the reason you were to cry is because of your own decision,”

“taeyang, enough! oh my god,” you say, pulling him away from the keeho who was now curled up on the floor and clutching his clothes.

“oh, hi, baby,” he grins and throws an arm around your shoulder, dragging you down immensely with his weight, “i didn’t see you there,” a cheesy line he says almost every time he’s drunk, “do you like my outfit today? i chose it with you in mind,” he blows you a kiss and you have to hold yourself back from smooshing his face with your hand.

“just shh, please, before you say something so cheesy-”

“woah! that girl’s boyfriend is really ugly! should we help her? do you think he’s holding her hostage?!” his loud, booming voice fills the room and it takes everything in you to not abandon him there to fend for himself.

immediately, you bow to the couple and say quick apologies and move to hopefully move taeyang away from the scene. but he just puts more gasoline on the fire by kindly saying, “miss, do you need help? put the number three up if that strange man is bothering you!”

“taeyang, please, shut up!”

ᯓᡣ𐭩 choi jiung

oh my god jiung gets really PHILOSOPHICAL, like really philosophical. and he gets a little sappy, but most of the time he reels it in before he gets overly emotional. out of nowhere, he’ll ask you the most complex moral questions or things about the universe and fate and stuff like that, then immediately follow it up with, “oh, well, whatever :D” as if he didn’t just make you rethink your life choices. but it ends up being a sweet behavior of his because it somehow ends with him bashfully praising you and being explicitly very thankful for the relationship the two of you have.

“i read somewhere,” he starts and you knew that you were in for a rough one, “that some people believe that they’re connected with their soulmate through an invisible red string. have you ever heard of that?”

“i have,”

“do you believe in it?”

“…i don’t know, that’s a really complex subject — fate and stuff,”

he shrugs, looking onward at seemingly nothing, “i don’t think it’s that believable but then i think about us and i start to believe in stuff like that,” there’s a long pause before he says, “but also, i think fate isn’t completely responsible for us meeting. i don’t know how to explain it, but i don’t want to give all the credit of our relationship to something like fate — i feel like we’re more than that, y’know?”

his question leaves you contemplating everything about your relationship, trying to think like jiung and imagine.

“if people believe that there is a string connecting them to their soulmate, they probably would leave everything up to fate and not actively search for their soulmate, right? i don’t think that was the case with me — well, i wasn’t always trying to find someone for me, but i don’t…hm, i don’t know how to word it. what do you think?”

“i think…” there’s silence as you think about how to formulate your words, settling on, “i just know i love you, jiung, it shouldn’t be that complicated.”

he processes your words for a couple of seconds before laughing as if you had said the funniest thing in the world. the type of laugh that makes him drop his jaw and release gasps for air from how hard he was laughing. his hand was now holding yours and he’s squeezing as if his life depends on it.

“you’re right,” he manages in between gasps of air, “you’re right. i love you too, that’s enough,” he drops his head into your shoulder where he hums in content, “yes, i should just think about how lucky i am to even have you — no matter how it happened or what the chances were because that doesn’t matter now. what matters now is that we are now together,” he links your pinkies together, grinning wide like a child, “i love it, how we’re so connected.”

“by that string you were talking about?” you tease, making him shake his head.

“no, just how we work together and how you love me and how i love you,”

his heartfelt words and unusually very sincere considering his current state, but you accept them with a genuine smile and knocking of his forehead against yours. a drunk man’s words are his sober thoughts, or however the saying goes.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 hwang intak

intak…he’s so funny bruh. he’s an ENTERTAINER drunk, the party guy that ends up getting all the attention, but really that wasn’t his end goal. he’s definitely the type to pretend to want all the attention on him, but really he just wants to impress you…even though you’re already dating…he wants to be the only one you look at and will put on a show in order for that to happen.

someone was urgently calling your name, following it up with your boyfriends and something about the pool. obviously, concerned for his safety, you drop everything and rush to the backyard where the pool was.

“oh, there he is,” intak cheers, walking over and picking you up with his strong arms, “i was wondering where my baby was,” he’s sloppily kissing your cheek after that comment and grinning ear to ear the entire time.

“what’s going on? are you alright?” you ask, immediately concerned for his health.

“i’m fine, are you okay?” he shoots back, tilting his head to the side with a pout, “you feel good?”

“i feel great, but someone said something about you and a pool so i came running as soon as i heard,” you explained, taking in the scene and realizing that there were now people eagerly awaiting something.

“oh! that’s nothing!” he cheerfully says, booping your nose with his finger, “mr. worry over here, huh? that shows how much you love me, y’know?” he begins dragging you off to go inside, but someone from the surrounding crowd shouts.

“wait, intak!! you said you’d hold your breath underwater for two minutes! come on, man, i already bet money that you’d be able to!!”

intak grins ear to ear, not at all bothered by the person shouting, “oh! i’m not doing that anymore, sorrryyy!!” his apology is elongated with his voice dragging out the last syllable.

“what?! you can’t do that!”

“i just did — pfttt!” he sticks his tongue out and blows a raspberry before completely dragging you inside and into the house, “babe, wanna watch me stuff three cupcakes in my mouth?” he curiously asks, which you obviously deny in fear of his wellbeing (three cupcakes? he’d definitely choke on them and you were not aware of how to do the Heimlich maneuver).

“no, it’s okay intak,” you politely decline, making your way to the icebox that hopefully has spare waterbottles.

“did you know i could drink an entire water bottle in under seven seconds? here, let me show you-”

“no, no, it’s okay intak,” you repeat, grabbing his hand that was reaching for the bottle and putting it back to his side, “just drink the water normally okay?”

his eyes are just full of so much love, slightly tinged red, with his naturally red blushing cheeks and he obediently nods yes.

“yesss, sirrr!” he chants, going to drink the water at a normal pace.

after sitting down for a couple of seconds, you begin scanning the room for any free space you two could occupy. but intak interprets it as you losing interest in him so he says something drastic to get your attention again, “wanna see me do a backflip off the counter? i finally learned how to! (he did not.)”

“no, it’s okay, intak,” you repeat once more, smoothing out his hair and smiling softly at him. “how about i watch you get comfortable on the couch over there where you can take a breather?”

“well, as long as you watch me,” he agrees, a carefree smile on his face as he lets you guide him to the couch.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 haku shota

shota just likes sticking by your side when he’s drunk, a SILENT CLINGY drunk. hes an introverted extrovert so he only really wants to be near someone that he feels completely comfortable with, which at the top of that list would be you. he hangs by your side, almost completely silent. and when he isn’t silent, it’s the quietest random noises that he makes to get your attention.

“do you want some more water?” you ask your boyfriend, noticing that he was now nursing an empty water bottle. his big dark eyes look up at you and he nods his head in confirmation. you stand up to get the beverage and he follows suit, shooting up out of his sitting position and clinging to your arm as you navigate through the crowd.

it’s funny too because when he’s drunk he has a really weird and unexplainable possessive streak??? he is still silent when showing that possessiveness, so it really just looks and sounds like a jealous puppy that is following you around and trying to keep as many strangers away from you as possible. it’s cute since its incredibly harmless and it doesn’t warner any scolding or quick apologies from you whenever he does show any territorial behavior, instead you just look at his cute annoyed expression and appease him.

on the way to get his water, there was someone in the crowd that had recognized you and wanted to catch up. not seeing a problem with that, because there really isn’t any in the first place, you obliged and began chatting with them. it was a friendly convo, the person even greeting the silent shota by your side, but the man didn’t acknowledge them. after explaining how your boyfriend was a little out of it due to his intoxication, the person nodded in understanding. and shota thought that that would be the end of it…to his immense displeasure, the person didn’t leave you guys alone. and he was starting to feel more and more annoyed at their presence. he wrapped his hand around yours and squeezed tight enough that it got your attention. finally having your eyes on him, he batted his eyes at you innocently and motioned over to the empty water bottle you were still holding. remembering why you had even gotten up in the first place, you excuse yourself and soul from the conversation, which made smile in accomplishment.

“thank you,” he quietly whispers after accepting the water from you, leaning in for a soft kiss. you smile at his gentle behavior, immediately kissing back and then pulling away to let him drink some. he eagerly looks around like a lost puppy, as if he’s trying to find something. and just as you’re about to question him, he puts his head down in defeat and simply drinks.

“what was that?” you chuckle, bringing him in closer and smiling at his now slightly wet lips and sparkling eyes.

“nothing,” he says, leaning in for several more pecks in a row — which you obviously comply to. his clingy behavior and craving for your lips against his doesn’t falter at all through the night, but no one is complaining.

(he was trying to see if the person that was “bothering” you two earlier had seen the two of you be all lovey-dovey, but he couldn’t find them in the crowd)

ᯓᡣ𐭩 kim jongseob

jongseob is so funny when he’s drunk in the sense he’s a YAPPING and CLINGY mess, but SHYYY at the same time. at the beginning of the night, it isn’t that bad, to be honest. he’s capable of taking care of himself and standing on his own (literally and figuratively lmao) and even engaging in coherent conversation with others, but after a while he just wants to talk to you. yes, he’s still talking (probably about anything and everything too), but he just wants to stick by your side. oh, he’s also a really big blushing mess — acting like you guys are in middle school all over again and it's your first day as an officla couple, sometimes forgets you guys are actually dating and it’s not just a one sided crush (poor seobie lmao)

you and jongseob were sitting on the sidelines of the party. close enough that your legs were touching each others, but definitely not super cuddly on top of each other. your boyfriend was talking on and on about a vast variety of topics, sounding as if he was speaking in tongue twisters, but you really were trying your hardest to keep up. you were looking forward, but after hearing him stutter over his words a little, you turned to look towards him.

unsurprisingly, his eyes were already watching you and when you made eye contact he ducked his head down and began fiddling with his fingers. it was adorable, but it made you confused because ? did you have something on your face? or was he just not feeling good because the alcohol was catching up to him.

“you alright, babe?” his cheeks go ablaze at the pet name, but he aggressively nods his head to prove that he was fine.

“you wanna keep telling me about the progress of your island in animal crossing, then? i was really invested, y’know?” you grin and scoot closer to him, putting your arm around his seat and getting more comfortable.

“you were listening?” he asks quietly, hyper aware that your bodies were now much closer and you were leaning into him.

“of course i was, seob,” you answer easily, sighing in content. jongseob shyly holds your hand and moves closer to you, his face feeling as if it were going to explode from how hard he was blushing. he’s acting as if you haven’t been dating for the longest time.

give the two of you ten minutes uninterrupted and you’ll find jongseob shamelessly holding you close as he mutters mindless nothings as a way of staying awake. you offer several times to just go home, but he stubbornly argues that you two are too comfortable too move.

“i really like your eyes,” he says, studying your face and then pursing his lips, “but your nose is also really nice…and your lips, even your ears…unfair,” he sighs, dropping his head to rest on the couch cushion to his left as he faces you head on. you laugh at what seems to be a very serious dilemma for him, running your hand up and down his arm.

“what are you talking about, seob? you’re the prettiest guy i know, much prettier and more handsome than me,” you compliment to lift his spirits, but obviously all the sincerity is still there, “especially your smile,”

he buries his head into the cushion and you swear you hear him scream (?), but the music surrounding you guys could be making you delusional (you’re not he really did scream).

your boyfriend continues being a shy mess for as long as he’s drunk then begs for you to forget everything he said and how he acted when he’s sobered up because he’s so embarrassed.

[sturniolo04]

Boys Trip

Bsf!Nick x Bsf!Chris x fwb!Matt x Bsf!Nate x Bsf!Fwb!Fem!Reader

Summary: in which you, the triplets, and Nate take a boy's trip to Boston.

A/N: If you don't like the preadded name in my stories, you can either add your own name or not read it; it's up to you :)

It wasn't abnormal that you and the triplets took trips to Boston to visit their family and friends. The trips only lasting a week, but this trip was different you guys were taking advantage of summer and staying in Boston for almost the whole month of May.

"boys trip boys trip boys trip"

Matt chants as we are standing in the kitchen in their Boston house.

'"oh my god you guys are so loud"

you state as Nick rolls his eyes.

"it's not even a boy's trip Mara is here"

nick states so matter of factly, looking at Matt and Chris.

"she's one of the boys"

Chris chuckles ruffling your hair.

"oh for sure i am"

you reply as you playfully shove Chris' hand away.

we had already been in Boston for a couple days and today we are planning on going to lunch and the aquarium with your best friend, Madison Beer. You were getting ready for the day, when you heard a scream come from upstairs which you followed to pin point who it was.

"NICK"

matt screams, hitting him with his belt several times.

"OW OW OWW"

"ENOUGH"

he exclaims as you laugh at the scene.

"what's so funny?"

matt asks as you shake your head like nothing is funny, as he continues to rant.

"Nick no one was up here; i almost took my dick out because I had to pee"

"WOAH MATT"

"well it's true sorry Mara"

Time skip

you guys finally met up with Madison and went out to lunch and went back to her hotel room since she was only in Boston for a show there for her tour, which we did end up going to.

"can i open you letter"

chris interjects as you all are sitting in the hotel room.

"sure i guess so"

madison giggles as she hands him the letter as he proceeds to open it, all of us staring at him.

"oh you have to read this i cant read cursive"

"there is no way chris"

nate laughs

"here give it to me let me try"

matt exclaims grabbing the letter out of his brother hands and then staring it at a long time.

"okay give to me matt"

you exclaim standing up off of the couch you were sitting on with madison reaching for the letter.

"no Mara i got it dude"

he states laughing extending his arms out of your reach.

it wasnt unknown you were bestfriends with the triplets, madison and nate but everyone but you and matt saw the unique energy you two had around each other specifically. As you and matt continued to playfully bicker about reading the cursive writing madison and nick just looked at each other to see if they are seeing the same thing

"god i feel like im third wheeling"

chris huffs out

"what the fuck chris"

matt exclaims as you and him look at chris confused

'what is that suppose to mean"

you question as he look everyone esle.

"nevermind"

chris chuckles

" lets just get going yeah"

nick finally states as they all head to the aquarium.

Spending the afternoon at the aquarium with everyone was a completely normal day, right? Not quite see every since Chris making that comment in the hotel, everyone starting picking up on your guys energy, meaning you and matt's. If we wanted to say that going to the aquarium was literally a date for you and matt you could literally say that truthfully.

"oh my god look at that matt its so cute"

you exclaim pointing to the fish as he smiles at your actions

"here i got this for you"

matt states handing you the turtle hat putting it on your head

"oh how kind of you"

you giggle. It wasnt until you all left the aquarium that you were walking side by side with madison that she finally wanted to as you for herself. See madison was close with the triplets but she was extremely close with you you guys told each other everything.

"so Mara be honest with me"

she causually states laying one arm around your shoulders as you two walk down the street back to her hotel

"okayy"

you trail off responding looking at you twos-in-sync footsteps on the sidewalk

"whats up with you and matt"

she quickly asks wanting to see you reaction

"what nothing madison why"

you giggle at the question, then proceeding to look at her with a 'realy' expression painted on her face.

"what madison we are just friends"

you states defensively shrugging your shoulders.

"dont bullshit me you like him dont you"

she giggles quietly knowing the triplets are right behind the pair, shaking your shoulders playfully.

"oh my god madison no nooo we are just friends"

you giggle embarrassingly

"okay whatever you say princess"

she states simply not believeing you.

After a couple days pass in may and after the conversation with Madison, you and the triplets decide to go over to nates house and end up taking a nature walk on the trail behind his house, which brings you to now. Chris was rambling on about some story he remember that happened to him when he was younger.

"and i recorded it-"

chris trails off in his story

"what why would you record that chris"

you question

"no god Mara i obvisouly didnt record my penis"

chris defends himself

"dont say that so loud"

nick exclaims

"PENISS"

matt screams out as you giggle along with nate. You guys kept on hanging out on the trail behind nates house until it got late and eventually went back to nate's house to play some random game they wanted to play

"okay if it closes on your finger you have to take a shot of lemon juice"

chris explains to everyone sitting at the table

"im not doing that"

you huff out in response to the dumb idea

"boo youre no fun"

nate complains

"come on mara if im doing it you have too please"

nick begs shaking nudging your shoulder.

"no"

you state coldly.

"at least just one round"

matt says trying to persuade you. you sigh out which is a way matt knows he convinced you as you sat back down in your chair.

"it shouldnt hurt should it"

you nervously ask

"mara it is a kids game it shouldnt"

chris chuckles out setting up the game for the first round. You guys start playing the game and there were have ten teeth left to press on the game piece and it was now you turn to choose out of the ten. You deeply inhale and exhale selecting a tooth for the toy to immediately come toppling down and crushing your pointer finger, leaving a burning and pinching sensation to your finger.

"OW THAT FUCKING HURT"

you exclaim actually in pain standing up causing my matt to flinch beside you from your sudden reaction as you tried to not let the tears welling up in your eyes come to the surface.

"no it didnt you big baby"

chris states causually.

"Im not playing this stupid game anymore"

you state walking away to go upstairs. Matt sensing your pain follows you up. Which the boys thought was an abnormal reaction considering Matt and Mara are "just friends".

It was now the last day you and the triplets were spending with Nate before you and the triplets had to head back to LA and you guys decided to go out for lunch and then watch a movie at his house later that evening.

"dude no its not like that we are just friends"

matt exclaims to his brothers as he rolls his eyes

"seriously matt i know and i know mara you two like each other"

nick states so matter factly as he crosses his arms over his chest.

"dude you gusy are so fucking annoying we are not into each other like that jesus fuck"

matt exlcaims again finding a seat on one of the benches outside of the diner you guys were eating lunch at.

"so you are telling us you dont like mara at all matt"

chris states so over his brother oblivion.

"i uh- she is just- okay fine maybe I do like her i mean its not like i haven't known her my whole fucking life and I literally spend every second of the day with her to the point were she drives me mentally insane."

he huffs out not realizing you and nate finally came out to where they were

"what are you talking about stupid"

you question taking a seat on the bench next to matt ruffling his hair. As chris and nick share a look.

"uh nothing stupid- are you guys ready to go"

matt responds standing up walking to the van

"whats up with him"

you ask his brothers as chris just shrugs following his brother and nate to the car.

"nick"

you trail off looking up at him

"he's just you know matt it has nothing to do with you he is probably just in a mood."

he quickly rambles out grabbing your hand to pull you up off of the bench.

You guys made it back to nate's house and you all were currently sitting down watching a random movie and matt ever since this afternoon at lunch has been giving you the cold shoulder. You continuedly tried to ignore it but you just could shake the feeling of being offended and genuinely hurt that matt was giving you the cold shoulder.

You kept wondering if you did something wrong or said something wrong. Like what could you have possibly have done to upset him this much and more importantly why does it hurt so much that he is ignoring me, don't get me wrong I love his company but I also love that he has literally become my safe space. You and matt had been through so much together and that's when it occurred to you that you might actually like your best friend.

"hey are you not watching the movie anymore"

Nate exclaims and questions you as you stood up and walked over to matt standing in between his legs as he shifts his gaze upwards to you.

"can i talk to you.. now"

you question him as he simply nods his head as you remove yourself from in between his legs leading the way out in front yard.

"whats up with you matt why are you not talking to me now"

you question as he doesnt respond

"matt"

you sigh out tearing up because of all the feelings you get inside are now bubbling up over the surface.

"what did i do"

"mara nothing nothing just- you did nothing i promise"

he huffs out stepping closer to you placing his hands on your shoulders

"then what is it"

you softly ask. gazing into his eyes scanning his face for an immediate answer.

"i just im so in love with you mara it hurts i-"

he trails off as your hear flutters with pure joy at hearing your bestfriends feelings are mutual.

"i just didnt know if you felt the same"

he sighs out

" do you mara"

he question looking into your brown orbs as inching his finger tips into the scalp of your hair on either side of you face

"yes matt i do"

you giggle out as you shift your hands to grip his wrists as he link your guys lips together, matt shifting his hands to your ass picking you up and twirling you around.

"its about damn time"

nick exclaims as nate and chris agree with him as they all three are spying on the pair through the window.

Taglist

@mintsturniolo @adirtylittleheart @wh0resstuff @spicymuffins03 @aaliyahsturn

[intynidad]

I love the cult Yandere fics you have done! They’re really well written and a joy for me to read!

I’m curious what you think what would happen if the reader came down with a terrible illness? How would the cult members feel or react?

Thanks for reading this and I hope you are having a wonderful day/night ^_^

Im glad you guys liked the yandere cult serie! This might be a little short

Warning: not really yandere but just in case?? , mention fainting, cult things, looking at somebody sleep

It was a seemingly ordinary evening within the cult, with most of the followers diligently tending to their tasks in the fields. However, a sense of curiosity and concern started to circulate among them as they noticed your absence.

"Have any of you seen our esteemed leader, Y/N?" a young woman inquired, her brow furrowing with worry. "They are usually up and about by this time."

A discussion ensued among the group, each member expressing their willingness to check on you. Voices overlapped as they debated who should have the honor and responsibility of ensuring your well-being.

"I believe I should go and see if they are alright," one voice asserted confidently.

"Why should you be the one to check on them?" another voice chimed in, challenging the first.

A third voice joined the debate, its tone filled with determination. "I have a closer bond with our leader. It should be me who goes to inquire about their well-being."

The exchange quickly escalated as more voices joined the fray, each passionately arguing why they were the most suitable candidate to fulfill this important task. The once calm and serene atmosphere in the cult now buzzed with the intensity of their determination to reach you.

"No, I should be the one to go!"

"Wait, I've known our leader the longest! It's my duty to check on them!"

The voices blended together, rising and falling in a cacophony of competing interests. Each follower believed they possessed a unique connection with you, and their ardor to fulfill this duty was evident.

The fields that were buzzing with work a few moments ago came to a halt, that is until a lone figure emerged from the central tent.

“Oh great leader!We were worried about you!”- one voice exclaimed with glee and with that, the fight stopped and all of the followers were around you.

As the cacophony of voices surrounded you, a disoriented feeling washed over you. Your head felt hot, and your stomach churned with unease. Strangely, you couldn't recognize any of the voices that were engaged in the fervent debate.

You tried to make sense of it all, desperately searching for familiar faces or even a trace of recognition. But amidst the fervor and the overwhelming flood of voices, it seemed impossible to pinpoint a source of familiarity.

The last thing you remember was a series of screams as you closed your eyes and your legs gave up

….

When you woke up you where in your bed, a damp cloth on your forehead and a note by your bedside…well several notes one your bedside

You picked one that was written in a more formal way and didnt had any hearts drawn on them

“Dear leader, i am the medic on duty, at the time im writing this letter you been asleep for 2 hours and i can’t stay on your tent any longer without the rest of your followers skinning me alive.

Please take the glass of water next to this note and take some of the herbal medicine i prepare, ill check on you when i get the time

I love you

Rest well”

You decided to ignore the last part of the note and take your medicine unaware of the abnormal large shadow that extend next to your pillow.

After taking the herbal medicine, you went back to sleep unaware of the darkness that started to consume your tent, only when you were sleep a figure emerged from the pool of shadow and tower over your sleeping form

“My poor little lamb…” the figure says in a almost undetectable whisper.

Their clawed hand looms over your cheek but as it got closer it just went right through it

“Not yet” the figure says “but soon”

Since they managed to contact one of the followers with the promise of you as a prize if they worshiped him, things were finally starting to change

The chains that bind them to their realm were ever more weak, after all they couldn’t project themself as a shadow into your realm before…

They gave you one last look and a small “kiss” to your forehead (even thought it went right through you), you deserved to rest

[saltofmercury]

hi i love ur writing sm and i hope you dont mind my request! can you do one where könig has a s/o that's prone to fainting and he's the one who catches them and just wait until they wake up like it's a normal occurrence now? IM NOT SURE HOW TO EXPLAIN but im prone to fainting and just hope for a könig in my life

hi hi! omg are you my twin? I used to pass out ALL THE TIME. Especially from period pain.

Pairing: König x f!reader

Summary: König helps you when you pass out.

a/n: This was so fun to write because I have passed out multiple times because of period pain, not being hydrated, and even one time because I got my ears pierced and the pain was too much. LOL enjoy!

"Collapse"

You remember the first time it happened.

You had a weird pain throbbing against your stomach, that wouldn’t go away for some reason. You were shopping in the store with your mom. You figured it was nothing, but then you felt hot, how hot your body felt, you kept going throughout the store, when suddenly, the room started to get dark, small bubbles of black and white appeared in your eyesight, your legs felt like jello, and sure enough you woke up breathing heavy, covered in sweat, with over 5 people crowding around you. Your mom had wondered where you wandered off to, but she did not expect this.

The second time it happened it was because of not eating. You were outside in the hot heat. You were a camp counselor rushing to your next activity planned for the day. You forgot to eat something and ran over to the next group. As you started talking, you felt fuzzy. The heat pounding on your head, you started to feel hot again. Why didn't you pick a swimming activity like the rest of the counselors? You moved up the hill with your troop, drinking water excessively, when the dots appeared again. You settle yourself on the floor and let the other adult take the activity. Not this again.

Again, you woke up with the kids and adults surrounding you, covered in sweat, breathing heavily. 

Several trips to the hospital, multiple scans, and even an EKG but nothing abnormal was detected. You just passed out.

The doctor had ruled out multiple theories, just told you to keep hydrated, eat something beforehand, to keep something with you in case your blood sugar went down. There was nothing wrong with you.

Several more instances played out throughout your life, and you knew to carry snacks with you at all times, not stay out in the sun too long, if you were in pain, to reach out to someone or lay in your car until it fades away. It became regular, there was nothing to really do.

It became less scary, and just something you knew how to deal with. 

*

It was one of the first things you told König on your dates. When you told König about it, he looked at you skeptically. 

“Are you sure, schatz?” he took a sip from his coffee in front of him, “There HAS to be more tests done.”

“Nope,” you said, secure of your doctors and self. “It just happens, there's no clear diagnosis.”

“Could be because of pain, low blood sugar, heat, anything really.”

And you hadn't had a fainting episode as of lately, your blood sugar didn’t run low, you weren’t in any pain, and you drank plenty of water. It seemed fine.

“I’ll let you know if it ever happens.” you said confidently. “I can tell usually when it's going to happen.”

König looked at you like you were crazy. 

“You can tell?” he stared at you, one eyebrow raised, and his hand toying with the cup in front of him.

“I'll explain it to you, usually I get really hot when it happens.” you paused looking at him. He looked like he was mentally taking notes.

“For some reason, I get clammy, hot, and I can tell I feel a little weak.”

He nodded, telling you to continue.

“Then when I can feel that happening, I see black and white dots taking over my vision, sort of like a dark aura coming into play.”

He looked at you like you were making it up. How were you not scared?

You smiled back. “It’s not as scary as it seems, it just happens.” you shrugged.

*

The first time it happened with König he was thankful that you were so calm. You guys had been wandering around an IKEA store finding a bookshelf for your books, and a new coffee table to put inside the entrance of his house.

You hated IKEA. The place was designed as a never ending escape room, on a constant loop. You were bumping into things constantly, and lost. König felt out of place here. He was like a giant placed inside a doll house.

“Everything here is so small, are you joking?” He looked at the table for six people. He looked like he could take up half of the table.

You were leading the way hoping and praying you would find the bookshelf section when all of a sudden you bumped your hip into some weird corner of a dresser.

“Oh… OW”

You rubbed the spot furiously.

“Are you alright?” König asked. “I saw you from the table section running straight into that.”

“Yeah I'm fine. It really hurt though.” The pain for some reason did not go away, and you started seeing the black dots come into vision.

“König…” you said gently, now the spot had been throbbing. “Don’t freak out, but I think I'm going to pass out.”

He looked at you. You had suddenly become pale, your face drained from blood, and you were sweaty all over. “Schatz… you don’t look well.”

“OW ow ow, yeah just, stay calm i’ll come back to-”

You closed your eyes and tumbled back.

König could only describe it as a limp doll falling backward. He immediately took two steps to catch you, and had held you, positioning your legs up against the dresser that caused this.

He remembered Horangi telling him about fainting and helping his other teammate when they passed out from a wound. 

He was starting to freak out. Luckily there weren't too many people around, and your breathing went from shallow fast inhales, to normal, regular inhales.

You gained consciousness again, hearing König mumble in German. Your eyesight wasn’t back completely, but you could hear, and once you focused your vision it was back.

König had held your head on his lap, was fanning you with some throw pillow, your legs propped up against a dresser.

“Hi” you said weakly.

“Jesus schatz, you scared me! How are you feeling?

You smiled weakly and answered “I’m ok just sweaty is all.” You picked yourself up, König behind you insisting you sit down a bit.

The car ride home he kept pestering you,

“BUT HOW did you know it was going to happen?” He kept questioning you as if he couldn’t believe it really happened.

“I just know” you said calmly

“We don’t have to call 911, or get you to the hospital?” He questioned you endlessly.

“No, just I'll be ok.” you grabbed a small candy bag from your backpack. “It was just pain, guess my body couldn’t take it.” you laughed and popped a candy gummy fish.

*

The longer you two dated, the more König started taking things seriously and even had started packing things for you. A small bag of candy in case you needed sugar, a hydration packet, an ice pack, and sugar gum. Small things like this just to prevent what happened at IKEA.

You guys were heading out to some event in a small town, you insisted that the whole place was going to be fun.

The place was crowded, filled with food vendors, different vendors selling their items, children running around, families having picnics outside, and many other small events crowding the area.

You held König’s hand as you guys walked through the crowd, worried that it could be too much for him. He was holding your hand because it was hot out today, and you didn’t have enough water.

You had found a spot to buy food from, while he found a small spot under a tree, placing your blanket down.

The heat was awful, standing in the line, you felt the heat beat down your hair and sweat dripping down your neck. There were 2 more people in front of you, a mom making changes to her order constantly. Your stomach grumbled and you felt your mouth dry up.

Fuck not again. You could see it happening, you tried not to psych yourself out because if you did it would happen. You tried to find König, he was only a couple feet away, but you could see he sensed it. He made eye contact with you, and ran over to you.

Cold water bottle in hand, he jogged a couple feet, you barely reached out to him, before your vision tunneled. This time it wasn’t so bad, you could feel him catch you before mumbling,

“I got you, you’re okay.” He said softly, dumped some cold water on your head, picked you up, wrapping your legs on top of his arms.

Your vision, still blurry and pitch black, you could feel the wind on your face, the sun’s rays on your eyelids trying to keep you down.

A few small cries of “Is she okay?” “That was such a good catch! “Do you need anything?”

König talking back to the people “She’s alright happens more often than you think.” Walking around with you.

You regained consciousness again, your head on König’s lap, he had a cold compress on your forehead, playing with your hair, fanning your face.

“Sorry..” you mumbled. Trying to face him.

He hushed you, “It’s alright babe, I kind of saw it happening.”

You blushed, looking away from him.

He put the fan down and grabbed the candy bag out of the backpack.

“Let’s get you hydrated and some sugar back in you, yeah?

[oceanwithouthermoon]

OKAY im posting this crappy wip kubosai one-shot because ive been lagging severely on writing... sorry if its cringe, its completely unedited rn</3

this is roughly 1800 words.. the actual wip is about 4000 LOL but i skipped a couple parts so this is about half the wip i guess..

Kusuo was sitting at his desk with his legs curled to his chest, glaring at nothing, when his phone dinged next to him. Already not in the best mood, he sneered as his eyes snapped over to the device. The noise had disturbed one of his favorite pastimes; being moody for no reason and doing nothing, and the bright light was equally disturbing. When he looked over, it also shone the time as "1:36am" which ruined his blissful unawareness of how long he'd been brooding. His unusually accurate internal clock could have told him that, really, but Kusuo would never pass up an opportunity to be mad about something stupid.

His eyes softened significantly when he caught sight of what the notification actually was. A text from contact name "Kuboyasu Aren" with no contact picture. Yeah, that was how Kusuo kept all his contacts. Super boring and super normal.

He clenched his teeth, trying to bring his anger from before back after realizing how much and how easily his mood lifted just reading his classmate's name.

His phone had gone back to a black screen before Kusuo could read the actual contents of the message, so he begrudgingly unfurled himself from his position with a heavy sigh. He planted his feet back on the floor just a bit too aggressively and swiped up his phone as he stomped over to his bed to flop himself down on it.

When he finally turned his phone back on, the notification read “3m ago” and he clicked on it.

The message read, “hey princess when u wake up do u wanna hangout ??!? could i come overrr tomorrow please”

Annoying lack and misuse of punctuation, but Kusuo has learned that this tends to be the norm in texting, especially with other teenagers. In all fairness, the way Kusuo texts isn't very conventional either. He made fun of Toritsuka’s severe overuse of emojis once, and then immediately got ganged up on by all of the self proclaimed ‘PK psychickers’ because he tends to overuse emoticons in the same way. He doesn't know how else to express himself over text, alright? He learned to text only from his mom, Akechi, and Aiura and this is just how it turned out.

And for your information, the stupid princess pet name was just some silly thing Kuboyasu had gotten in the habit of doing lately. Trust Kusuo when he says it's much more embarrassing when he says it out loud, especially at school, than when he texts it, though knowing that his name in Kuboyasu’s contacts was “My Princess :)” was probably even worse.

Anyway, Kuboyasu had clearly made the assumption that Kusuo would be sleeping at this hour. Well, usually he would be. Kusuo LOVES getting his sleep in, but he just so happened to have taken a very long nap earlier that day, so he had a late dinner, and subsequently a late dessert. So, his usually abnormally fast metabolism hadn't quite been rid of all the sugar and caffeine he'd consumed not long ago. A series of unfortunate events, really, which culminated in him not being tired enough to sleep yet. At least he got to get in his usual ‘angrily staring at nothing for no reason’ time that he accidentally skipped because of his nap, although that did just get interrupted too.

So finally, he responded to Kuboyasu with, “I'm awake. (-.-;) Sure, I guess.”

Kuboyasu read the message and began typing unnervingly quickly after it was sent. “really ?!?!? also y r u awake lol i thought u would be asleep hours ago”

The poor guy probably wasn't expecting him to say yes immediately. Kusuo usually would argue about it for a bit before giving in to the teasing and pleading of his self proclaimed friends. It was way too late (/early) to play that game right now though, he knew he would just say yes in the end anyway. It had nothing to do with him actually wanting to see the dumb former punk who he had been unusually close with lately.

The taller boy just GOT him in a way other people never did. His undying loyalty and honesty was a refreshing contrast from many of the other people the psychic was often forced to be around. Loyal, honest, strong, romantic, protective. Not that those last few things affected the way he interacted with Kusuo or anything…

Kusuo replied again, “Yes. And I usually would be, but… too much caffeine. (￣^￣)”

Another quick response, “lol thats totally something u would do.. since ur up, r u down to call right now ?”

��To call? It's almost 2am. ಠ_ಠ Why are YOU awake anyway?”

“lol i know i know but im so bored… i just cant sleep.. we can be quiet on the call, but id like to hear ur voice right now :)”

Good grief, ew. How disgusting. “Hm… okay. ∩(｡-_-｡)∩”

(Don't you dare ask Kusuo why his internal monologue is so different from what he actually replies with. It's definitely not because he's an unreliable narrator who doesn't want to admit to himself or anyone that he actually wants to talk to a boy. Why would that be the case? Don't be dumb.)

Kusuo forgot to turn his ringer off before Kuboyasu could call him, so despite entirely expecting the phone call, the loud ringing startled him into dropping his phone on his face. How embarrassing, all-powerful psychic drops his phone on his face at almost 2am.

He scrambled to pick it back up and answer it so that the noise wouldn't wake up his parents. It would be really easy for him to just lull them back to sleep with his telepathy the second they wake up, but it would be inconvenient and his dad might complain in the morning. About either remembering waking up or just about not getting a good night’s sleep.

He finally clicked the answer button, luckily before his parents could wake up, and held back a sigh as he held the phone up to his ear.

“Hey, princess!” Kuboyasu was speaking in a whisper yell, probably also a room away from his sleeping parents.

“Hello.” He tried to speak in a way that wouldn't give away the fact that he was recovering from a smack to the face. Phone calls were a bit awkward for Kusuo, since microphones didn't pick up on his telepathy so he had to use his actual voice to speak over the phone. He always just hoped people wouldn't notice the extra rasp to his voice, but the late hour might work in his favor in this situation.

“So what have you been up to?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? Up at 2 am and you're just sitting there, doing nothing?”

“Yes, that's exactly what I've been doing. What else is there to do at 2am?”

“Well, I've been making the most of MY time, personally.”

“And how have you been doing that, exactly?”

“Thinkin’ about you.”

“...”

“...”

“... *snort*” Okay, how could that NOT make him laugh? He took the phone slightly away from his face and laughed into his hand.

“What?? It's true!” The idiot couldn't hold back his laughter either.

“Yeah, yeah, okay… whatever, you're such a pain…”

“Yeah? Am I?”

“Yes.”

“And yet, you're here talking to me at 2 am just because I asked you to? Admit it, you love it.”

“Tch. You really need to get over yourself, you know that?”

“Well. Humor me for a bit longer, will you?”

“You're desperate.”

“For you.”

Kusuo muttered into his hand, “Oh my god.”

“I wish I could see your face right now, I know you're blushing.”

“Yeah, right. Not like you can prove that.”

“You want me to?”

“What do you mean?”

“You want me to come over there and check?”

Kusuo could hear the smirk in Kuboyasu’s voice. The jerk knew Kusuo couldn't say no to him. They both knew this game. Kusuo would deny him just for show, even though they both know he wants to say yes, and Kuboyasu would tease the truth out of him. Well, fine. Kusuo could play this game.

“You want to sneak out of your house and into mine at 2am just so you can check how successful your teasing is?”

“Mhm. Not just that, I would do anything to see my pretty princess’ face right now. I'm bored, you're bored, the only solution is for the knight to rescue the princess from this ailment, obviously.”

“You're an idiot.”

“You want to see me, I know it.” And he did. Kusuo could hear shuffling over the phone. That asshole was probably already putting his shoes on, knowing Kusuo would say yes. “What, you scared to prove me right? You don't want me to see your pretty pink face right now?”

… Kuboyasu was good at this game. He knows that husky voice is fucking irresistible. To Kusuo, at least. “... Okay, okay. Only so I can prove you WRONG.”

He knew Kuboyasu was smiling, but then the mood settled a bit. “You serious, Saiki? I know I'm messing with you, but I won't pressure you if you don't wanna sneak me in. I mean, that's kinda a lot to ask now that I'm thinkin’ about it. I really wanna see you, but I wouldn't make you do that.”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up, I've already made up my mind. Are YOU sure? You realize how late and dark it is, yeah? You can't just stroll the streets at 2 am, you're gonna get hurt.”

“Awee, you worried about me, princess? No need, your knight in shining armor can protect himself just fine.”

"... Fine. Just stay on the phone with me."

"Hm? While I walk?"

He figured Kuboyasu wouldn't want to have a conversation over the phone in favor of paying attention to his surroundings, but... Kusuo couldn't help but be nervous about his friend's safety at this hour. He just wanted to make sure he was fine the whole walk.

"We don't have to talk, just... stay on the phone with me..."

Kuboyasu snorted. "What, you gonna miss me in those, what, ten whole minutes?"

Kusuo scoffed quietly. "Don't be so full of yourself. I'm just making sure you don't trip and fall or something at 2am on the way to my house. Wouldn't want the blame to fall back on me." He somehow still managed to convey snark in his almost monotone voice despite his whisper.

Kuboyasu chuckled softly, as he snarked back teasingly, "You know I can take care of myself. Can't believe you're still worried about me~."

Kusuo did know that. It didn't change anything. And he WASN'T worried, he just knew that his various nuisances tended to get into trouble when he wasn't there to monitor them. He was always getting them out of trouble even in broad daylight, so there was absolutely no reason to think that walking alone in the middle of the night would prove to be an exception.

"Just shut up and don't hang up, alright?"

He heard the quiet creak of a door closing and shutting, barely drowning out Kuboyasu’s attempt at muffling his laughter. "Alright, sweet boy. I'm right here."

-

EWWWW CRINGEE EW THEY HAVE COOTIES

[monosanimegenericzone]

Hunter x Hunter: Tattoos

gwuh im looking at old fanarts of the phantom troupe and imagining different spider tattoo placements.

they're all rougly the same size relative to the person theyre on which is very hard to believe since we've seen a great number of them shirtless with no hint of a spider tattoo. looking directly at you feitan. and we got it confirmed that kortopi's isn't on his face, which is the real loss here :( it was on his face in spirit i just know it.

assuming that we can't have repeat locations, that elminates the small of the back, the left front torso, and between shoulderblades. and right palm if we're counting omokage but allegedly he's not canon so.

so that leaves a number of options that only apply to the few troupe members we haven't seen get their shirts ripped off. my top five coolest locations

option 1: Back of the neck. i think it would be super sexy to just have a spider crawling up or down the neck with its legs wrapping around the throat. it's not applicable to anyone in the troupe since most wear uncollared clothing. it could have been feitan but then he had several shots showing his clean neck. bonolenov as well. which leaves kortopi.

option 2: thigh. personally i give that to shalnark -at least the left thigh- because there's something about a high leg tattoo that feels like he'd get. its the most practical to hide; unless he is going completely nude or getting attacked in the leg, there is little to no reason for it to ever show. that and im choosing to believe the beach mobage cards where he's in swim trunks and we see no tattoo. someone else can have right thigh. probably bono because he also was unbandaged to the boxers and no tattoo.

option 3: calf. going with the theme of legs since we've barely seen most spiders show any ankles- i know, scandelous~~ - I think feitan would get his on his lower leg. because he sounds like the type to take 'being a leg' way too seriously. machi as well purely because. what are those sock things. i want them.

option 4: sternum. It would have been really poetic if chrollo got his in the center of his chest. unfortunately his first appearance has his tits and abs out. sir, put those away. paku also can't for obvious reasons. even though it would have been sexy as hell. idk who would have this really but it'd be very pretty. machi i guess is also an option but i doubt she would choose sternum.

option 5: bicep. a problem again because so many of these fucks wear short sleeves or no sleeves- looking at you shalnark- which leaves franklin and nobunaga as the two that can have bicep tattoos. technically paku as well.

my personal canon for the tattoos: Nobunaga - left bicep, Feitan - right ankle/calf, Machi - left ankle, Hisoka - shoulderblades, Kalluto - right shoulderblade, Phinks - right flank, Shalnark - left thigh, Franklin - right bicep, Shizuku - left torso, Pakunoda - left flank, Bonolenov - right thigh, Uvogin - small of back, Illumi - n/a, Kortopi - back of the neck, Chrollo - ???

if and when i get the ability to draw the troupe i might drop some doodles.

im so abnormal about tattoos its actually insane.

[systems-overloaded]

(I had double incision top surgery)

HOLY CRAP MY CHEST LOOKS SO GOOD!! IM SO HAPPY!!

I've seen ALOT of post op photos. I had watched multiple videos of the actual surgery I was getting, and also looked at a FUCK TON of pre-op, post-op, and other healing stages photos.

I have literally never seen a chest look this good at any of the first healing stages. That's insane, I'm so happy.

My actual surgeon didn't have any photos of their masculinizing top surgeries, even though they'd done it multiple times before, so i kinda felt a bit nervous about that. I wasnt sure exactly how it'd look, even though i know the initial stages can look gnarly but heal phenomenally.

IT. LOOKS. SO. GOOD.

I'm so happy and also a bit in shock about how good!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

(I really want to share photos tbh, but i have tattoos that could be identifying so i won't here. I may post somewhere else with my tattoos blurred. Maybe transbucket?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways the surgery went perfectly!! My mast cell was totally under control!! My chest has healed so well!! I didnt need the ICU and have been recovering at home!!

He was able to hook up my nerves on each nipple, so i should expect sensation still! AND he was able to preserve my tattoos, which all have extreme emotional/sentimental significance to me!

All the issues I have been having, are sooooo much less than we were expecting, and all the doctors, nurses, and just medical teams for this entire thing have been so good!! Especially the anesthesiologist and pain team that worked with me for the actual surgery.

So, besides some hiccups and more mild expected issues related to my other health conditions, I'm doing so well!!!

This is such good news, and means a couple of my conditions are much more controlled than I thought!!

(the "more" section just has more detailed health info, and my experiences so far)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I did have some significant & expected prolonged issues from the anesthesia.

I didn't wake up for multiple hours, then woke up but was still totally paralayzed for multiple hours and couldnt communicate that so they thought I wasn't waking up for even longer, RIP.

Then once my right side started to return, my left was still almost totally paralayzed for over an hour too.

(We're hoping that was just a hemiplegic migraine, because I do get complex migraines and have had hemi-paresis during some. That doesn't follow the pattern of my paralysis episodes from my channelopathy (which is why i was paralyzed still for so long.) So the assumption is I was having paralysis episode and a hemiplegic migraine at the same time.)

I'd also had significant increased weakness for about 2 days, I still have increased weakness now, over a week post op but its probably not related to the anesthesia directly. Most likely my mitochondria taking a hit, contributing to overall fatigue, worsening of my channelopathy, and my adrenal issues.

There were also some issues getting a new pain medicine since i had a lot of adverse reactions to what was initially prescribed. But the doctors have been very good about helping me find alternatives.

They'd gave me a nerve block on both sides initially (which apparently is almost never available, but i was able to get!!), and a localized pain pump for the first 3 days, then a muscle relaxer and pain medicines. I've couldnt take the muscle relaxer or the pain meds due to like severe adverse reactions, so now that the localized things ran out, I've been suffering a bit while waiting for a dr to prescribe something else for me.

And I'm actually still needing increased steroids for my adrenal issues, which is considered "abnormal" to still be needing at this point. I'm hoping once I have a bit more pain control from these new meds we're trying, then I won't need as much steroids. *fingers crossed*

Then, I have an adhesive allergy, and we've been able to avoid tapes and adhesives almost entirely. I haven't had any blistering from the paper tape they've used in some areas. I did have some itching which I've been taking benadryl for and it is more controlled now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel very very blessed. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Im so grateful I was able to get this surgery, to have it covered entirely by insurance, to have such a good team of doctors helping me, for my body to have done so well with this whole process, that my chronic illnesses have been controlled as well as they have with my current treatments, that my doctors are helping me find alternatives for pain control, that my chest has already healed so well, that i have the supports in place where i can recover at home, even with prolonged issues or temporarily worsened symptoms, that the surgeon could hook up both nerves and preserve my tattoos. I am so blessed and I am so grateful, and I am so happy, I'm so excited for when its all healed up.

[vatican3]

this is a long one and your ask box is a confessional now. to start off; im not christian. i was raised christian but thats just not the life for me. secondly; my name is judas. this makes christians uncomfortable as well. last thing before we get into the meat of it; i am also not a satanist but i do still dabble in it from time to time. so off the bat your more die hard christians would Not like me. like i said i have a very complicated relationship with christianity; i hate god and god hates me. i do things specifically to spite him and i call him out on his bullshit all the time. however; this does not extend to jesus. this is where the more complicated part comes in. i am not a christian, i do not worship god nor the holy spirit or any saints or anything like this, and my relationship and connection to jesus i view more as an extension of my worship of dionysus more than anything else. i dont know what this all entails, im still exploring this, but despite all my disdain towards christianity i cannot get myself to extend this to jesus. and its haunted me for years and years until i finally started to accept that. and more recently ive stopped trying to fight the nature of my relationship to jesus and lean into it. and my exploration of my worship of dionysus has helped as well; a lot of people connect the two in their own ways and i personally view them as two sides of the same coin. and through this ive just started to accept that my relationship with him is inherently queer, sensual and erotic even. god, to me, has always been rough, cruel, and uncaring, taking away whatever support he has given me at the drop of a hat if i do something that he doesnt agree with. a cold hand. but jesus was never like that yk? always kind and caring, a guiding hand, never let go even if i stopped and went back. a soft, tender lover. ive cried and hes responded to my pain with gentle touches. always forgiving, never judging. ive felt guilt over my sexual fixation on him; weight on my shoulders for years. trying to ignore it and bury it. but the second i gave up and accepted it i felt free. my name had no connection to its origin when i initially chose it; it just fit like a glove when i tried it. but the more i go down this weird path the more i realize that it fits more than i thought. its nice. but i dont think your average christian would appreciate my views.

This has been in my inbox for a day and I've reread it a few times, and I don't know if you're looking for religious counsel or maybe just to get your thoughts out (evoking the image of a confessional implied you were interested in a response specifically from my point of view, or some sort of direction, but if that's not what you want, stop reading after the cut?) So I'll try to answer as an anthropologist and theologian before answering as myself.

First and foremost, and the part I'm sure you're familiar with, you are far from the only person that has a convoluted and difficult relationship with religion--so the good news is that you're not alone! Even among the most devout Christians there is unrest, doubt, feelings of loneliness and despair. And those people seem to know what they're about. So for someone that has an unfavorable history with Christianity and no longer identifies with it, it only makes sense to feel such a varied and complex array of emotions about specific aspects.

I don't even necessarily think that it's abnormal to feel there is an erotic element to your relationship with Jesus. St. Teresa of Avila experienced her "spiritual ecstasy"--

In his hands, I saw a great golden spear, and at the iron tip there appeared to be a point of fire. This he plunged into my heart several times so that it penetrated to my entrails. When he pulled it out I felt that he took them with it, and left me utterly consumed by the great love of God. The pain was so severe that it made me utter several moans. The sweetness caused by this intense pain is so extreme that one cannot possibly wish it to cease, nor is one’s soul content with anything but God. This is not a physical but a spiritual pain, though the body has some share in it—even a considerable share. [Article on that.]

Your stance is, yes, unorthodox (haha). And it's true that many Christians would shy away from and admonish everything you have going on here--not all of them! I think you have some interesting concepts going on with your personal spirituality that don't necessarily speak to me as a human being but that I think would be interesting to do some writing about, if you care to.

The story of Jesus and Judas is a love story. What kind of love story it is can be up to interpretation, and that's a wonderful thing to me. And I think that's something that you have certainly considered between your name and your personal theology.

On an objective level, I believe that if this is good for you this is good for you and that it is then worth exploring. If you like what Jesus as a man and as a symbol encompasses, you should include that in your own spiritual life--and it sounds like you are! You can love Jesus without being a Christian. Many people do.

i hate god and god hates me. i do things specifically to spite him and i call him out on his bullshit all the time.

God does not hate you. God doesn't hate anyone, that's kind of the deal. You could do the most morally bankrupt nonsense and still God would be there for you. I think a lot of the other things I would want to say on this topic come off as though I would be trying to convert you (I'm not) and would be better in, like, an essay, so I'll leave that be.

This is a genuine question, not that you have to answer but if you'd like to please feel free: how are you, as someone that isn't Christian and doesn't worship a Christian God, qualifying what exactly God's bullshit is? What goes into that category? Is there something worth examining there?

my relationship and connection to jesus i view more as an extension of my worship of dionysus more than anything else. [...] a lot of people connect the two in their own ways and i personally view them as two sides of the same coin.

I'd love to know more about this. I don't know much about Dionysus as a figure nor Dionysian worship so I'm interested in how people make the connection/what that does for them and their spirituality. I know you said you're still exploring this and figuring out what it means for you so ofc no pressure to bare your soul or anything, but again if you have any specific thoughts to share go wild.

god, to me, has always been rough, cruel, and uncaring, taking away whatever support he has given me at the drop of a hat if i do something that he doesnt agree with. a cold hand. but jesus was never like that yk? always kind and caring, a guiding hand, never let go even if i stopped and went back.

Bizarre to me to so readily separate God and Christ. But I do understand that Jesus is easier to empathize with as a man, we have stories of his life, joy, and suffering. Jesus is also divine, though--you could even view him as a bridge between us and God, in a way. I don't know your personal journey. But it's easy to mistake, sometimes, God telling you the path you're on is wrong for you as God denying you or revoking support from you.

This was a really interesting message! I hope you feel that I've engaged with it fairly. Do you have any beef with the Holy Spirit or is it just the God/Jesus split you struggle with?

[smoov-criminal]

Hey, I just found your blog and saw your post about OCD. I was wondering if you could talk some more about it 'cause I went through it when I was little, untreated and with no support, and I rarely do see anyone talk about what OCD is like internally. Those intrusive thoughts do come back every once in a while and scare the crap out of me. Thank you

hi! sorry i didnt answer sooner i literally never check my inbox lmao.

im definitely not the most educated person on OCD on tumblr, but im happy to share some things ive learned/thought about since my diagnosis.

1. i learned that my mom has OCD around the same time i did, which makes a lot of sense. i seem to have been the only one in my immediate family who knew she'd been dealing with severe anxiety for years, but whatever lmao. i think a large part of my OCD obsessions stem from my mom's. she wasn't aware that her feelings were abnormal, so i guess im not mad at her for that, but i picked up on a lot of it as a kid and have the anxiety i do as an adult. i think this is unfortunately a very common experience: growing up with mentally ill parents who eventually give u the same mental illness thru a combination of genetics and abuse/neglect/bad parenting/parents needing therapy.

2. mental compulsions need to be talked about more. i suspect the reason my OCD went undiagnosed for so long is because my compulsions are almost entirely mental, so no one, including myself, knew what to look for. mental compulsions include: saying/repeating words or phrases, counting words, letters, numbers, or objects, making lists, ruminating on past and potential future situations with "what ifs", trying to figure out the meaning of internal experiences like thoughts and feelings, trying to figure out the meaning of life, and even replacing an obsession with a different image/word. sorry for the long list, but i listed all of these bc i do a whole lot of them, but didnt realize theyre compulsive behaviors until recently. how are people supposed to heal when they dont even know what symptoms they have?

3. if u have intrusive thoughts, particularly ones related to bigotry and pedophilia, i want u to know that u arent those things. your thoughts dont make u a bad person, there is no morality associated with your thoughts. your actions are what determine how good of a person you are.

thats about all i can think of atm, but if you or anyone else has any specific questions feel free to ask!!

[1eos]

hello ms kendra! first off just wanted to say i hope you're doing well and i love your blog theme. also that i hope only good things come to you and those you love 💗

i don't know if you feel comfortable sharing, so please don't worry if you don't want to answer, but how did you know you were a lesbian? sorry if this seems out of the blue ahfjfkal but i've been kind of questioning myself lately and i trust your thoughts and opinions and i was just... looking for some thoughts/feelings i guess? once again please don't feel pressured to answer. thank you for reading 💗 have a sexy day ms leos!

omg its not too much at all 😭😭😭 how i realized i was a lesbian was obvious in retrospect but i was surrounded by so much comphet i didnt realize it was an option until one day i was like ohhhhhhh i can just like women lol

anyways when i was a kid i felt a bit left out bc ive always been a girls girl and only rarely found boys worth hanging out with but when all my girl friends were starting to be boy crazy i just had. no interest. none at all. when i was in elementary school the one boy everyone liked he did nothing for me but i started to fantasize abt him liking me so all the GIRLS would like me 😭😭😭 like i said obvious

but it didnt click bc i had crushes on 2 guys. one was gay so 😶😂 LOL and for a while i was like so im not gay bc i liked 2 guys but then i realized those 'crushes' were just how i am with ppl i like and want to be friends with. this all encompassing desire to be with them 24/7. i didnt want to do anything w my friends i just wanted to but stuck on them and im the same way to this day just toned down (scorpio vedic moon)

and then i started having intense and tumultuous friendships with other girls who similarly didn't like boys at all. and i would be consumed in wanting to be with her all the time and got jealous. it was how i was w close friends but even more intense bc it tended to be mutual. YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES. like i was in a toxic lesbian not relationship in middle school looking back

and then in high school when my mom left me alone at home i would runnnnn to the dvd player and rewatch the sex scene in monster's ball bc halle berry was topless 😭😭😭 i was kinda obsessed w sex but again had NO interest in the men? and if boys approached me irl i would just be like 🧍🏾‍♀️ what the hell did u want. and i was learning that u can be other things than just straight so even tho i was fucking sneaking away at my grandma house (we didnt have internet at our house) to scroll thru playboy and look at pics of half-naked WOMEN bc i didn't want to be desired by men i was like 'ohhhh ok so im asexual'

I WAS SO CLOSE TO THE TRUTH but comphet was fucking beating my ass bruh. andddd in college i branched out started meeting more girls like me (black and gay) and i was like oh ok. so im NOT abnormal there are ppl like me. met more men still didnt want to do anything w them. met more girls i wanted to fucking build a house with after geeking out after dragon age once. anyways i got a girlfriend...sophomore year and magically turned from sexless nun to disgusting horny beast and also i met this very sexy butch girl who i wanted to [redacted] so bad and wouldve if not for girl code. and it finally clicked that girls just do it for me 😭😭😭😭severely. all the romance and sex things i was all ick abt fell into place bc i finally beat the comphet. ofc i found sex disgusting bc i didnt like men and it put alllllllllllllll previous relationships into perspective

so for me what helped was to just not try to force myself into any label or worry oh what if im actually this or that? i just lived my life liked who i liked and slowly the reality that i want girls to [redacted entry] me very nastily fell into place!

and thank you so muchhhhh wishing good things on you too. good things and clarity 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

[5seraphim]

hello!!! u dont have to answer but.... how to start an edit blog like u.... ??? ive been thinkin abt doing that for a few weeks, but im scared im gonna get no interactions/requests :((.... any tips how to begin?? :]] thank u sm!!!!!

hi! i'll answer, i might not be the best person to answer but i'll answer as well as i can !

post example works! this gives requesters and others an impression of what your edits will look like.

if you do something more uniquely, post that especially!

get your things together before you promo yourself. have your reply icons AT LEAST mostly in order, your pinned and info done. it makes you seem more approachable and presentable

make your sources clear, and what you can and maybe won't do. this reduces confusion and is just a good thing to do

feel free to interact with other editors! it gives you a little bit more attention and most of us are looking for more editor friends ^_^

but also be aware that there are like. several people that do not get along w each other here so don't be surprised if someone blocks you out of the blue! i personally have a lot of people blocked for comfort reasons and to prevent anything bad from happening

alternatively, if anyone makes you feel abnormal you can block them if it gets too much for you! i feel like this saves some trouble

if you’re burnt out or too busy, just stop! if you’re worried about activity, you can always set up a queue. i kind of do that here and i feel like that’s been helping! (as you can see my queue ran out because I’m getting closer to exams and the ACT)

reject whatever you want, if you feel bad about it, you can always edit those later! they make a nice surprise imo

hope this helped 😭 i just do my own thing and hope it works (we all do)

[absolutelyinlove]

let's talk: canon events! how'd you get into the dream team? what brought you to dtblr?

oh god ok my like. origin story of how i started watching dteam is insanely convoluted so i’m going to put it under the cut and like. to preface i just need u to know i’ve never been normal about anything in my life like i am so completely incapable of having passive interests. that is really crucial to understand

ok. So. basically i’ve always been super into mcyt content, i was a Massive cube smp + cube uhc stan back when that was a thing, i was like. 12-14 at the time but i was on stan twitter, wrote rpf on wattpad, experienced the severe trauma of ccs i wrote about Finding my fic and talking about it very publicly. The whole experience. and then when cube smp started to die my overall mcyt interest heavily faded, i’ve still always been incredibly fixated on minecraft itself i used to be super into uhc and other competitive gamemodes but in terms of actually watching content creators that was like. something that kinda faded in and out i’d go through long phases of watching nothing at all sometimes for entire years then randomly get slapped by nostalgia and fall back into it and rewatch old series’, etc.

but anyway. i had other interests, i had a different main fandom, i was still on stan twitter (kpop twitter to be specific) when dream rly started blowing up and. All i ever heard abt him was negative. because i was. on kpop twitter where like everyone was just excited there was a New Most Hated Fandom on the internet so he was an extremely common punching bag and i just Solely knew of him in a negative light and i’d never actually watched him to form my own opinions because (and this sounds so absurd) i also had this very irrational Jealousy toward the like. “new wave” of mcyt stans in 2019-2020 because suddenly it was a COMMON mainstream fandom and it ABSOLUTELY WASNT back when /i/ was a teenager and at my peak obsession so therefore all i felt was very misplaced dislike because How come this massive fanbase wasn’t around when this was My interest ? anyway.

Then like. sometime still in 2020 ? my irl friend sent me a manhunt and was like u NEED to watch this (because all my irls know i am. Very abnormal about competitive minecraft content) and i was like. Huh is it time for me to finally watch this dream guy. and i watched it and well it was very inevitable i got hooked because manhunt is soooo comedically perfect in terms of how me-catered it is, it is Literally everything i could ever ask for in terms of youtube content so it was absolutely over for me and i binged the entire series over the course of like. a week. and at first i really did think i would just be a passive youtube fan, because again. all i’d ever heard about dream was that he was a Bad Person and therefore i really did Try not to get invested beyond just thinking the videos were good but ofc as soon as i finished watching every manhunt that was out at the time i moved onto other dteam videos and i just fell reallyyyyy really in love with their dynamic and it was like. MAN! i had to accept i was growing attached and i Wanted to know more abt them at this point. i watched every single video on dream’s channel by the time i accepted Okay im in too deep now i want to know more.

this is the part that is going to make me sound incredibly fuckin g crazy so i need u to just hear me out. so i started googling dream and looking at the dsmp wiki (because as a youtube-only viewer i knew Nothing about dsmp other than people on my side of twitter hating it) and i was so surprised to realize hbomb was a member i’m crying because i knew him from CUBE SMP!!!!!!! i was like whta the fuck. now i feel Obligated to care like this is my Past combining with the present… it’s like fate… so then. naturally. i Looked up like. Reasons Dream Is Problematic threads on twitter. because i was like if im going to do this i need to know what exactly i am going into here i want to know why this dude is so hated and i unironically went through every single thread and callout post i could find, looking at Every reason someone gave for hating him then looking up the original clip with full context and watching it for myself so i could make my own judgement of it and also looking into how he responded and that was how i realized Oh like 87% of this is exaggerated and the stuff that’s true is either kind of nothing or he seems to be trying to do better. And that was how i decided. He is just some guy who seems very well-meaning and is making efforts to Grow and Now i can allow myself to . watch his stream vods? i know ho w crazy this sounds im crying but u need to understand i genuinely waited to watch any vods and grow attached to his content in a non-casual way until after i was SURE no secret horrible misdeeds were going to catch me off guard and i’d realize i didn’t actually want to support him i’m fucking crying

and then naturally ijust got incredibly fixated on mcc when i discovered That and that was what led me to watching a ton of other streamers, i was never super into dsmp but i Did get very into watching non-lore dsmp vods and just. tons of vods in general. i got severely fixated on mcsr around this time too which was awesome until it Wasn’t and i made a lurker account on twitter like literally a priv with 0 followers where i only followed ccs because i didn’t want to follow them from my acct with all my kpoptwt mutuals and get Called a freak for supporting dream. i also kept up very closely with any drama/situations involving dream even before being on dttwt in any capacity because again. i just like to have full context for everything so this was like. when i was unfortunately a very active dwt2 user because that was mostly how i stayed in the loop with things and tbf at the time it was actually a pretty good place for nuanced discussion this was before it got terribly unbearable but. Yeah. i started reading heat waves “ironically” while it was ongoing like i was reading it bookclub-style with my dranti friends and pretending i knew nothing abt dream or george outside the context of the fic (I AM TERRIBLE) but i ended up getting curious about what other fics were out there and that was how i started reading dnf earnestly.

i didn’t start writing until wayyyyy later after i came out of the dream stan closet to my friend reyna (still the only one of my kpoptwt-era friends who knows i am. the way that i am) in like. mid 2021? and i got them invested in dteam too and then in december 2021 we made our ao3s + new twitter accts together and both started writing fics

as for dtblr in specific i am relatively new here i guess ! i have been a long time lurker as i’ve always preferred tumblr for fandom discussion compared to twitter but i was always too shy to actually make my own account andddd because i started on twitter and had exclusively used twitter in my previous fandom it just like. Came more naturally to me and it’s so good for fic promo i just. Accepted it. but then after october several of my friends and like at least half of my mutuals at the time all became antis and once i was back to feeling. normal about consuming fandom content in like late october early november i desperately wanted to have a place where i wasn’t being made to feel GUILTY constantly so i finally made an acct over here so i’d have at least one space where i could Talk Freely about fandom things without expecting 10 people to tell me to kms for it. (don’t worry i eventually did finally make a new priv and i’m no longer held hostage by ex-stan mutuals on twitter but it was ROUGH at the time like so many of my friends have told me they assumed i’d just lost most of my interest and was only still in the fandom for the sake of writing because i never talked abt anything anymore for so long IT WAS BAD I JUST FELT SILENCED but im free now i promise) so yeah.

but don’t worry now i am here less out of “i have nowhere else to go” necessity and actually just because i Do enjoy it and i prefer it immensely to maintwt i am so content now with basically solely talking abt fandom things here and on my privtwt and just using main for fic talk life is beautiful !

sorry this is really fucking absurdly long i am so normal

[keefwho]

October 24 - 2024 Thursday

4:31pm

There is a massive dysfunction somewhere in my work cycle. This is obvious by the fact of how hard it is to do my work and feel okay despite choosing what I do and making my own hours. I feel pathetic because of how easy this should be and how many people covet my position. As if I have no room to complain. But I am complaining and the first thing I need to do to fix this is to stop judging myself so harshly. This is all messed up because something Im unaware of is wrong that is putting me at a severe disadvantage. Its not that I am too lazy or weak to perform my meager job. Its that I am doing abnormal work with it's own unique challenges with an unseen challenge making it much harder than normal.

Working for someone else is easy because you are given your task and it's meaning. Since I work for myself, my meaning comes from me. But I can see an issue here. Since I am so out of touch with what I truly value or want, I'm giving myself orders that do not carry actual meaning for myself. They loosely serve my audience because I've grown to have an idea about what they look for in my content, but even that is not very sound. Like many things in my life, my personal orders have been based on pattern recognition and habit which I'm starting to think is a symptom of my trauma given how strongly I put them into practice. My decision making is not flexible, to my detriment.

Another big obvious issue is my struggle to take care of myself mentally. Today was so hard because I felt stressed, depressed, and like everything was kind of pointless. I kept thinking I was a failure and any attempt to do something for "me" was overshadowed by how shitty I felt about myself. There has been no rest today despite my attempts at it.

My breaks can't be breaks when I feel like I do not deserve them. I feel this way because of a combination of actual bad decisions I've made in the past and a neglectful environment not giving me what I needed when I needed it or fostering my individuality. I often do not want to be in my own skin. I doubt myself and my own motivations no matter how good I think they are. I get the feeling deep down people around me know I am a waste of time and space and that I'm just a bad person at my core.

I want to believe I deserve kindness and to take joy in the things I have. I want to be able to let my guard down and drop my responsibilities. Especially since I think that is what I need to fuel the productivity I want to achieve. I want to be flexible in the way I view myself, my circumstances, and others. I'd like to feel like my past is my past and now is now. And just maybe that the future holds many desirable possibilities that I can in fact achieve and deserve.

[calamityandme]

I think I need to update my tumblr on what’s happened this year.

I HAVE A FULL-TIME JOB. I got it around 4 months ago. It’s really good for me and it’s helped us so much financially. It doesn’t make me as horribly anxious as my other jobs used to. It’s still a job, but it’s much better on my body and mind. I hope I don’t fuck it up.

IM MARRIED!! I didn’t know if I would be able to afford my wedding at the beginning of the year/last year, but we did it with a LOT of help. It wouldn’t have happened without my parents, Danny’s parents and our loved ones. It doesn’t feel real.

If I have a wedding regret it’s that I really sweated the details. It was stressful, my husband forgot several things important for the ceremony lol. I also forgot the marriage license to be fair so it’s not all on him. It really was wonderful though. When I was about to walk down the aisle I was sooo anxious. I was terrified to be the center of attention and have everyone look at me. Once I saw Danny at the alter, everything was okay. He looked soo good. I had never seen him in a suit before. Our vows were perfect. I wouldn’t change them for a thing. His were so wonderful and I can’t comprehend that he loves me as much as I love him.

Two different couples I know are getting married soon! One couple around October, the other couple isn’t even engaged yet but will this year. Love is in the air. It’s crazy.

On some sadder news, I have had a lot of health issues lately. Last month I had a colonoscopy, then two weeks later was admitted to the hospital because I had several sinus pauses in my sleep. I wore a heat monitor for a month because I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded with some activity. I didn’t expect the heart monitor to actually catch h something abnormal. The longest my heart stopped beating was about 10 seconds. I thought I had sleep apnea. I may still have sleep apnea, but my insurance denied the sleep study. So every night I go to bed I have to accept the fact that I don’t know what will happen. Will my heart stop beating altogether? I wake up every day and just go about living as best I can. I have a doctor’s appointment for next month. Hopefully I can get a at home sleep study done or something.

On top of the sinus pause, my heart rate will go between 25 BPM to 175 BPM in a week/day. I think anxiety makes my heart rate go up, or the opposite that my heart rate being so erratic is making me anxious lmao. Either way my insurance doesn’t care. They denied me because they said I didn’t have a valid reason for needing a sleep study. I guess I won’t need a sleep study if I fucking die in my sleep so fair game.

My mom gave me an old Fitbit of hers to try to monitor my heart rate but I stopped using it. I just feel helpless when I can’t do anything other than try to be healthy. I am at the whim of my health care providers.

Now it’s after the business of the wedding and I’m trying to figure out how I feel. I’m head over heels happy and in love with my husband of course, but I feel like I can never catch a break. I just want to be able to stop and appreciate the moments I’m in now. It’s just really hard to.

I’m so happy and I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago, but I just am so tired. It’s hard to be positive when the world is on fire.

[topzsun]

please sire may i have some more aventurine

SOMETHING HAPPENED (IM HEAD OVER HEELS)

── ♡ AVENTURINE

❝ desire is an ugly and beautiful thing. it makes you abandon every principle you've built your life around. it makes you care. ❞ author's note: of course you can have more aventurine, my disciple.

You liked to believe you were patient. You are careful with your words and temper. You work diligently with minimal complaints. Your track record for speeding through paperwork comes second to none. You could have been the poster child for the ideal IPC office assistant.

Unfortunately, Aventurine happened to be the one you directly take orders from. And he was much different than the other Ten Stonehearts, for better or worse.

“At the risk of sounding like I’m—God forbid—concerned about you, are you seriously going to take his deal?” Your frustrated face is reflected back to you, as you stand behind the man fixing up his fur-trim coat in front of the mirror. He finally looks over his shoulder, only to send you a mockingly serene smile. It’s become a routine ever since you began working under him. Every Friday night he will join a group of tycoons at a casino, and make a haphazard bet on his life. Predictably, he always walks out a free (and victorious) man but you don’t like to think about the day his luck runs dry. He’s abnormal, logic dictates that you shouldn’t worry. Yet, despite yourself, you care and you don’t think you can chalk it up to job stability anymore.

Aventurine isn’t a man you can underestimate. He’s intelligent and carries himself with a certain level of charm that you haven’t seen on anyone before. Yet, the most striking thing about him is his lack of regard for his own life. The IPC works under the principle of persistence and eagerness, and taking risks isn’t a foreign concept amongst the Stonehearts. However, Aventurine wasn’t just taking risks. He viewed his own life as if it were a chip to be traded in. To reduce his entire being into something tangible, that can just be passed around still bewilders you. He tells you he’s willing to give his all for everything. You suspect a severe case of an inferiority complex. You know his… background is difficult, though you are ignorant of any details. Aventurine likes you well enough, but you both don’t have the type of relationship where you can sit together and discuss the paths that made you both into the people you are today.

It’s not appropriate for him, as your boss. It’s not appropriate for you, as his assistant.

So you bite down any more complaints, signalling an end to your banter. You have pushed as far as the rules of your contract would allow you. He gingerly takes his fedora from your waiting hands and meets your gaze for the final time tonight.

“Lucky you, you get to have an early night today,” He teases, making the same joke he always does every Friday. Predictably, you roll your eyes.

“Yup, lucky me having to finish all the paperwork you don’t want to do,” You retort and he laughs breezily. “What would I do without you?”

“Probably get fired for never turning in your files,” You state flatly and he only gives a painted smile, amused. He checks his wristwatch and bids you a quick farewell when he realises he’s in danger of running late, and the large doors to his office shut close with a click. You are left alone inside the lofty walls of dark teal and gold decor and with Aventurine’s missing presence, it only then dawns on you how big the room is for one person and you imagine him sitting at his desk on his lonesome. You wonder if the echo in here ever drove him crazy.

The chilly air nips at your skin like bite marks, despite the bundles of fabric you huddled yourself in. Maybe it’s a sign to get a better coat and scarf, but right now your greatest concern was buying dinner and going home. The remaining paperwork finished without much fanfare, and Aventurine kept his promise that you’d be out of the office earlier than usual. You reminisce about the hot shower you will take, and the hot mug of cocoa you’d sip on as you languidly scroll through television channels. It’s the thought that keeps you moving on your two feet.

Until you stop at your favourite take-out place and are dismayed when you see an overwhelming queue formed outside the cramped, family-owned shop. Bodies pressed against one another, just the idea of tugging your way into the herd made your skin crawl uncomfortably. You are filled with reluctance, but your only option is to go hungry or walk back and take a train to the other side of town just for late-night dinner. You stand there listlessly, contemplating your options until an elbow is pressed against your side and someone gruffly chides “Move it!”. You are caught off-guard and shuffle out of the way, and suddenly your appetite doesn’t seem to take enough priority to have to deal with this type of crowd. You ready yourself to turn back and take the solemn walk home until there is a call of your name from a very familiar voice.

From the speed at which you turn around to face him, you think your head could spin. If Aventurine notices your sudden whiplash, he doesn’t comment on it, instead raising a gloved hand to give a brisk wave.

“Well, look who missed me so much they just had to see me again,” He drawls, stepping into the flickering light of the street lamp. There should be a word to describe how he makes you grind your teeth, and make your heart skip a beat.

There should also be a word for the specific type of shame that comes with falling for your boss.

“What are you doing here…?” You question and it wasn’t an odd thing to ask. This street, filled with humble stalls and corner stores, is not acquainted with people who have more money than they know what to do with. It is not a place for someone from the Ten Stonehearts. It is especially not a place for the likes of Aventurine. Despite your curiosity, he waves you off with an air of mystery that annoyingly reminds you of Jade.

“I just happen to be passing by on my way home,” He pauses as he gives a brief glance at the dimly glowing street. “When I see my poor assistant looking so frazzled. I’m not such a terrible boss to not help them out.”

You are sure he’s exaggerating your visible distress, but still, you instinctively look to the nearest glass window to see if it’s true. You miss how the corner of his lips quirks up to an affectionate smile, one he cannot fake nor conceal. By the time you turn back to face him, relieved that you didn’t look like a mess, he’s already donning his normally languid expression. “I suppose the queue is getting in your way of dinner, huh?”

Your silence is all the answer he needs as he slides off his sunglasses, revealing his muli-coloured eyes. Hues of cyan and purple melt together in a hypnotic way that reminds you of watching paint drip from a canvas. His eyes were his most prominent feature and symbolised so much about him that words fail to. It’s his origin, what people assume him to be, who he actually is, and the pain and anger that simmer in the depths of his chest. Of course, you are ignorant of this.

For you, they remind you what it means to look a man in the eye and feel entrapped by something greater than you could understand.

You are snapped back into the moment when he suddenly claps his hands together, as if coming to a sudden and genius revelation.

“Well, I can’t have you starving after helping me with all that work,” He steps closer to your space, and for some odd reason, you do not take a step back. “There is a bistro not too far from here. My treat?”

Professionalism will order you to politely reject his offer, to go home hungry and to distract yourself from the overwhelming feelings you have for this man. Unfortunately, these days your heart has gotten too loud for your ringing ears. So, you let yourself walk beside him, the brush of your fingertips sparking an electric sting within you. You remain none the wiser that after this, you will let him talk you into another dinner, and many more after that. The gap between the both of you creaks shut.