#im like i am someone who sleeps less than. Most people. But i still sleep

[gothamcityneedsme]

im usually all for fiction only needing to follow its own logic and i dont need realism all the time BUT one of my exceptions is like. characters sleeping. someone like writes an amount of not sleeping that would cause Actual Death and im like. Thats probably not what youre going for

or just making characters who like often go 35+ hours with no sleep and im like. that ultimately just. Doesnt work.

[thewertsearch]

Cal, get the fuck out of the frame. You're obliterating the vibe.

GG: ummmmmm hey guys i hope im not interrupting!!! TA: well, yeah, y0u kind 0f were […] AA: sollux try to be polite […] AA: jade is very nice and she did nothing wrong AA: none of them did so when you wake up maybe you should try to reconcile with them [...] TA: did Y0U? AA: did i what TA: be nice t0 them 0r whatever bef0re y0u expl0ded. AA: well no […] [Robo]AA: what actually happened after i died it sounds complicated

Not significantly moreso than your life was.

Although, this is additional evidence that Aradia had no idea she was going to resurrect on Derse. Even our most knowledgeable Player is less clued-in than she thinks.

GG: i have just been enjoying these little naps more and more lately! GG: each time i go to sleep i meet more new people and learn so much GG: but i still cant get karkat to take a nap, boy talk about a guy who is anti nap! TA: ahahahah, yeah, what a d0uche! GG: seeeeeriously!

A more pissed-off Jade meets a less pissed-off Sollux, and they're meeting in the middle for some Mage/Witch solidarity.

The guy's been free of his Voices for about two minutes, and he's already bonding with the humans he used to hate. Here for it!

GG: […] i should really thank feferi again for setting it up so we could meet like this! TA: wait, ff is here? […] TA: 0h g0d, why didn't that 0ccur t0 me, where is she?? GG: ummm probably in another bubble GG: but youll find her! maybe during your next nap… TA: well shit, why can't i just g0 glub ar0und 0ut there in the ring and find her n0w? […] AA: navigating between bubbles is difficult here AA: its better to drift between them naturally as they intersect AA: not spatially but through common points in memory

I'm starting to understand the mechanics here. You start out in a bubble simulating one of your memories, but you can move to adjacent bubbles if they're simulating the same scene, regardless of who is remembering it.

So, initially, you can only visit people that you share memories with - but after that, you can visit someone they share memories with, and so on. Eventually, you can visit anyone in the Ring, provided you're linked by some chain of memories.

It's easy to imagine how Jade arrived here. She wasn't originally present for this memory, but she has spoken to Aradia before, and probably joined her bubble while it was simulating one of their Pesterchum conversations. You don't get kicked out of a bubble when it changes, so Jade was able to stay after it morphed into Alternia. If she wanted to find someone she'd never met, such as Dad Egbert, she'd have to visit John's bubble as an intermediate.

Aradia's a special case, since she can circumvent normal bubble navigation by flying out of bounds - presumably because, unlike all her companions, she's here in the flesh.

AA: to navigate the furthest ring you need to have mastered the flow of time! AA: that is why i am here AA: i am alive again so i may assist the dead in this way

It's poetic, I think, that the ex-ghost is the one managing the affairs of the dead. I guess she knows how disorienting it is to be suddenly disembodied.

[romanscool]

Results!!

the people have spoken! who am I to ignore such a good vote honestly (no one im a sucker for drunk max as well)

Drunk Max is a touchy Max:

The first time Daniel sees Max drunk, they’re in a club in Malaysia. He’s flushed, and wobbly walking, and laughing too much. 

Now, he’s quiet, though. They’re flying from Malaysia to back home in Monaco. They’ve partied all night, so obviously they still have some alcohol running in their blood, even though Daniel’s bodily fluids feel more like blood running in alcohol, and it makes his head buzz. He hasn’t seen Max pretty much all evening, only sharing a couple glances here and there, too caught up in the adrenaline of the win and the pretty girls that flooded the dance floor, but now he feels kind of bad. Max deserved to celebrate a one-two too. 

Except the celebration is finished now, they’re on the plane, a plane that’s too bright and loud for Daniel’s liking, and don’t even get him started on the kid that’s been fighting the back of his seat for at least half an hour now. Daniel has never been much of a child person and this particular one isn’t helping with the view Daniel has of the species. Little fucking monsters.

Max helps though. He’s next to Daniel, on the window seat, lucky bastard, and also completely passed out. His always neat hair is fucked up, spiky and still smelling like a mix of Red Bull, vodka and sweat, his eyes are more bags than actual skin and his lips are so dry it makes Max look like someone who’s just passed three years in fucking Antartica, despite having spent a week in a country that’s way too hot and humid. 

It’s kind of sweet, though. Max is a kid, and he looks like one, all pimple and red cheeks flushing so fucking always but he doesn’t feel like one. Like, sure, he and Daniel joke around all the time, and they’re pretty immature about it, too, laughing like they’re on a candy high 24/7. And Max’s dad is near most of the time, a shadow in the paddock no one wants to cross, not even fucking Max, it’s pretty scary. So it’s clear Max is still barely eighteen. A kid. 

But they have these conversations sometimes, in the middle of the night when they’re both in Monaco and they know they could easily go to the other’s apartment any time they want, but they don’t. They text. Like kids. And in those moments, when Daniel can’t see the baby fat around Max’s face and the childish sparkle only half-hidden by big and thick eyelashes, Daniel can’t associate Max with being barely an adult. It certainly doesn’t feel like it, in the way he speaks, all fancy and perfect English, and his voice isn’t there to crack and betray his age. So, it’s times like these Daniel likes Max a little more than he should.

And right now, he’s sitting in a plane with Max beside him and the only thing going through Daniel’s mind is that he wants to kiss him. Doesn’t even want to be gentle either, he wants to be rough, teeth clacking and saliva everywhere, make it something mature that Max just isn’t. But it’s easy for Daniel to think it’s something that could happen when Max is sleeping peacefully, pale like a sick man and snoring like a grandpa. It’s easy.

It shouldn’t be. 

It isn’t easy when Max puts a hand on Daniel’s shoulder just as he goes to sip his drink. Drunk Max is a touchy Max, Daniel’s noticed, but what he notices less and less these days is that drunk Max is still eighteen-year-old Max, even with how much Daniel wishes it wasn’t the case. But being eighteen doesn’t come with not being touchy, and maybe Daniel’s reading too much into it, or maybe the tequila is fucking with his brain, but he can’t not stare at Max’s lips when he takes a shot, and the fucking lip freckle that Max always licks when he passes his tongue over his mouth to get the last drops of whatever he just drank in his stomach. Daniel thinks it isn’t fair.

And Max laughs, and laughs, and snickers when his mouth is still full of liquid, because drunk Max is still easy-to-laugh Max, especially when Daniel’s here. 

And drunk Daniel is still easy-to-laugh-it-off Daniel as well, so he shakes Max’s hand off off his shoulder and ruffles Max hair to make himself remember he’s a kid. It’s not right. So Daniel shakes it off, laughs to pretend everything is okay and a single touch hasn’t awaken his libido in fucking seconds and goes to find a reasonably aged girl wherever a reasonably aged girl could be in a Monaco club. 

Turns out there’s lots of them. They’re all pretty. Daniel doesn’t want to look too much into it when he picks the one with short dirty blond hair and red plump lips. Tells himself he’s into European looking girls, even though he’s never been, that maybe it’s a thing he’s picked up when he turned 27 last month.

Daniel’s 29 now. He’s still into tall blonde girls and ones that laugh too loud. He’s still into girls with freckles on their face and ones that can’t dress to save their lives. He’s still into girls that don’t look like strangers but that are. It’s easier that way. 

Max is 21 now. He’s still a kid, just a tad older. He isn’t as round on the face, sharper nose and cheekbones. He isn’t as sharp in his body, rounder waist and arms. Daniel doesn’t want to notice that be he does. He notices the hair that starts to grow just under that sharper nose and the muscle that’s building up on his chest, making his Red Bull merch polo stick to his shoulders tighter than it used to. 

Max is 21 and his face is sharper and his body rounder but he still can’t handle alcohol. Two shots of vodka in and slowly nursing a g&t, Max can’t stop himself from getting his fingertips on the small of Daniel’s back. Daniel’s learned to ignore it now. He gets better at it every time they go out, even though they don’t as much this year. The DNFs start to pile up. 

But it’s Mexico, and Daniel got pole, but Max won, so Daniel wonders what he’s even doing here. The girls in Mexico always have dark feature, long brown hair that cascade down their back and chocolate eyes that Daniel used to want to drown in, but not anymore. So it’s clear he isn’t taking anyone home tonight. He’ll have to drown in shitty whiskey and expensive tequila instead. He’ll have to drown under Max’s touch that seems to want to spread over Daniel’s whole body and go home before midnight to not wonder what the fuck he’s doing with his life.

One night, when they’re both in Monaco again, and Daniel is just waiting for the season to end, he finds a drunk Max on his doorstep. A very drunk Max. Which isn’t usual. Not that Max is drunk, because he always is in some type of way, drunk on a win or some wine it doesn’t matter, because Daniel’s used to Max being giddy. He’s used to Max being drunk Max. Thank God for it. 

The weird thing is, when they’re both in Monaco, and even when either one of them is drunk, the only thing they’ll do is text. Like fucking kids, text message that always have too much abbreviations for Max and typos for Daniel. It’s always this way. Texts. Daniel is glad for it in a way, because drunk Max being a drunk Max, he can’t handle himself, and Daniel’s fine handling him in public, but he’s not sure he’ll be able to do it at home. Especially after the neat whiskey he’s started to drink after already finishing three, the one in the glass that’s still on his nightstand. Daniel drinks in bed, so what.

And this drunk Max is flushed, but still standing, so that’s good, but the flush is making the pimples and red spots on his neck and jaw pop out, which isn’t fucking good. At all. Makes Daniel remember Max is still only 21 and that he shouldn’t lust after a guy that just grown out of his teen years. 

« Fuckin’ hell, mate, what the fuck are you doing here. »

« Shut up. » 

Drunk Max is a touchy Max. Turns out he’s also a kissy Max. And he kisses like a kid. All teeth and too much tongue, not even bothering to ask if he can hold Daniel’s waist in the obscene way he’s doing right now. He kisses like he has a lisp, lips scattered everywhere and letting out noises Daniel knows he’ll hear in his dreams tonight. He really hopes Max will be there while he dreams too, though, which isn’t something he should be thinking. But Max has a grip that’s just a little too tight on his hair and it’s fucking up the whole thing sitting inside Daniel’s skull. 

Fucking drunk touchy kid fucking up his whole life. 

[shadale-s-safe-space]

I don't know much about you as a person, but from what I can gather you've had a long journey with art, but still have the motivation to continue even when its rough. I'm sure you didn't start out making masterpieces, so if its not too much trouble, do you have any advice for a 16 year old artist losing motivation? i feel like im stagnating right now and its awful

Idk man, all I can say is, draw watchu want without the care who's gonna see it or what they gonna say , commit to new ideas and care less about pleasing everyone, because I know that way too well, I started learning by drawing animals, flowers and nature, "you should draw something else", switches to furries " No you must do human portraits", draws humans *no one fuckin cares*, and I felt miserable drawing what I didn't want all the damn time just trying to please everyone and be liked, hell, I still do that sometimes cuz I'm a dumbass. When in reality, when you do your own thing is when you're the happiest, this internet bullshit? Yeah don't trust the likes and favs, people like what they find relatable, no one really knows how much time you've spent on your drawing or how much you love it, when a 5 min doodle you did could do more than a painting that took 2 whole days to complete just to be scrapped in a new speedy record, paint what you love for yourself and you only.

Don't be shy to learn new things, I have tons of stuff I don't post here cuz I know people wouldn't care about it, but here for this post, have this that I practiced when I felt too depressed to think of anything good and wanted to step back from the MD artstyle

You'll see, you'll thrive when you draw what you want, and get yourself a drawing buddy! That way you'll stop focusing on the internet and more on each other, and each other's improvement. Tbh I struggled with that one. Since everyone I had were not into art irl, I somehow managed to find someone after 10 years of drawing alone. I honestly wanted more people to join in and make an improvement circle, but unfortunately that never happened.

I found myself twice as productive now than ever, even though I'm not active here as much I am still drawing and making things, ofc giving you more comics! And other fun things in the future I hope.

If you're struggling to draw something just do it, man commit, i was uncomfortable drawing men and male characters for years, I've wasted so many years being "too uncomfortable" and draw a naked person like yeesh who fucking cares, it's for studying.

And ofc if you feel like you're not improving at all please, please experiment with your artstyle and try something new, please refresh your mind, I was stuck for years doing the same thing over and over, same colors, same 2px brush, drawing like a machine same shit over and over, I felt so stuck and lost, but also afraid to do something new, idk why, I guess I never felt good enough or deserving of it. I also didn't go to art school, I am NOT a professional, nor will i ever be in my opinion. Hell, me feeling like I'll never be good enough left me afraid to try and apply for art school, they were asking for sculptures, different mediums all that scary stuff and I was like, I don't.. know.. how to do those things... I can't build a portfolio in less than 3 months?!?! I don't even know how to use half of what they're asking for!!

In reality at the end of the day, art is what you make of it and no one can stop you, search for inspirations and don't be afraid to try, yes you'll fail fist 2 or 10 or hell even 100 times, but you'll come back with more knowledge than ever.

For ending I give you the most confusing drawing to ever exist [dw he's just sleeping on top of her and she's just ghasping for air but awe romance or sum lol] is it weird? Yeah but I had a fun time making it hahaha

Idk I'm bad at putting my thoughts together, but hopefully some of this helps.

[cepheusgalaxy]

✨Tips on writing characters with periods✨

Some people's periods (like mine) are not very regulated. They're like. Imprevisible. One month they'll come on the first week and the next month it will just forget you and come back on the next month. It happens. To some people more than others

If their period is imprevisible then it's probably because they are still young and it will eventually be more regulated over the years, but it depends on the person's organism

When our period is late sometimes we have that "what if im pregnant or something" paranoia. Even if it just woldn't make sense at all

Tampons can do the trick for like, 4 to 8 hours or so? It depends on A. The intensity of the flow and B. The intensity the tampon in made for.

There are differet types of tampons. A nighttime tampon, for example, has a longer durability. You're supposed to be able to sleep in these without staining whichever surface you're sleeping on, but if the person's flow is too intense it may not work very well

It's a case-case scenario BUT usually the periods last three days plus more two or three where the flow is very weak and it's just the rest of the blood coming out at this point

The cramps. Sometimes they're misguised as a need to go to the bathroom. Spoiler: they're not.

On the same note, some people take meds to make the pain ease or go away but depending on the person their cramps might be not that intense or not that frequent, or they simply don't take meds for another reason

Avoiding some brands of tampons because they don't work well for you

Pad with flaps =/= without

Some people prefer the latter. Others the former

There are actually lots of alternatives to disposable tampons your character might prefer: A menstrual cup, fabric pads (work the same way as a tampon, but you have to wash then to reuse them instead of having to dispose them), absorbent panties (they are like normal panties but their inner part works as a tampon. Similar to the fabric pad), etc.

It's not a very efficient idea to put tampons on boxers.

Lazy and dizzy

Chocolate

I know people who can't bear eating anything very sweet but when they're on their period they enjoy it even

Emotions. For some people it doesn't change much but generally they'll be more easily pissed off or sensitive. Sometimes I am very annoyed over something minor and don't notice it until someone points out.

White. Pants. Or shorts. It's better to avoid them as well as light clothing down there or there is a risk that the blood will leak and stain them.

Sometimes it's a lot of blood

If they don't put on a new tampon and they're sitting for a while when they get up the place they were sitting in might have a stain

Bed. If you went to sleep and your flow exceeds the pad's capacity or the period arrived at night and you couldn't know. When you wake up. There is prob a spot. Perhaps even if you have a nighttime tampon. Specially true for people with intense flow

Sometimes it's very tricky. We think it went away and lower down our guard. But it didn't. That stain is there to prove it.

Most people track their period with an app or then it's previsible enough you generally know when it will arrive

Some people get extremely disphoric over their periods

Most people actually don't like it at all

Don't know if many other people experience it but. Concentrating. When cramps. Sometimes I'm at school and I can barely focus because the pain is distracting me

Something I know many people experience: When the pain hits we are going to search positions where it somehow feels less intense, and those positions can be a little unusual

[sardonic-the-writer]

hello. i am curious about Ezra,,, im splitting these into different asks to maybe make it less overwhelming...

What is their favorite kind of social event?

Are they upfront about their feelings?

Who are they most honest with?

Is there a habit they have that they learned from someone else?

What would it take for them to get into a fight?

Have they had a meaningful encounter with an animal?

Is there an activity they used to enjoy that they now dislike?

What is a topic they would be excited to talk about? 

wow!! lots of questions! i'll do my best to answer them all tonight with as much energy as i can, but we'll see. grins

what is their favorite kind of social event?

movie nights honestly. ezra doesn't really look forward to normal social events, and he hardly gets to experience them anyways being a hunter and all. but movie nights, especially once everyone settles down in the bunker, is always his favorite way to spend the night with all the people he loves, even if it means fighting over what movie to watch. save him a seat between cas and dean

are they upfront about their feelings?

more than dean, and sometimes even sam, but that's not saying much. all three of them are some sort of emotionally incompetent. for a while, mainly the first few seasons, ezras whole shtick was being secretive (literally no one knew he was a ghost for most of season three), but later on, once he's spent years upon years with the winchesters and their acquaintances, he definitely gets better at expressing his thoughts outloud

who are they most honest with?

i'd be lying if i said dean and sam. the three of them lie to each other all the damn time for "the greater good" or to "protect each other," and then get mad when they find out everyone else has been doing the same thing. hypocrites. ezras probably the most honest with cas, and then most definitely jack in the last few seasons

is there a habit they have that they learned from someone else?

i think i've mentioned this in one of my song analysis posts before, but ezra chants stuff under his breath a lot to remember things, and he sort of picked that up from other hunters when he first started out in the hunting scene

what would it take for them to get into a fight?

easiest way is to try and snatch his beanie off his head or to attack him first. second easiest way to trigger a fight response is to attack his friends/allies

have they ever had a meaningful encounter with an animal?

you know, i don't think so. but i am doing my rewatch right now, which means i'm rewriting and adding a lot of ezra lore as i go, so maybe that could change

is there an activity they used to enjoy that they dislike now?

dreaming. having dreams when be was young was always great. but now, as he grows older and more and more shit happens, ezra finds that most of his dreams are nightmares. don't get me wrong, he still loves to sleep, but prefers if it's dreamless

is there a topic they would be excited to talk about?

the obvious answer here is the xmen. that's his special interest, baby. other than that, maybe the music he likes? there isn't much else he's been steadily passionate about throughout the years. it's sad, but after he died for the first time and got caught up in everything with the winchesters and heaven and blah blah blah, he sort of lost time to do anything he loved

[ontheothersideofthetunnel]

I used to hide what i wrote as a kid,

Hid it from my mother,

Hid it from my sister,

And even from myself.

I had a Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal that had a secret pocket in the back,

It wasn’t a Winnie Pooh stuffed animal,

It was just a head,

Like what i had missing,

Or so i thought back then,

At 12 years old.

That stuffed head had a secret, not so secretive, back pocket,

The pocket had a transparent fabric covering it,

So you could easily see through it,

Or at least that is what my mother told me,

They day she found it and decided to read all my notes.

They were all hand written little papers,

Written in pencil and somehow,

All the papers crumbled from the tears that had fell on them.

I still can’t write without ending up crying.

That’s how i did it as a kid,

That’s still how i do it as an adult.

I started writting as a kid because i felt like nobody at home could relate to what i was feeling,

So I wrote it down.

I cried and at the most loving home, with the most loving parents and sister,

I felt completely alone,

At 12.

I remember the day my mom found what i had written,

She could only fixate on how, when reading my thoughts, it felt like i thought she was a bad mother.

She was not mad at me,

I felt judged that day and decided not to write again.

I felt like feeling was not okay at home,

I created walls around me,

Walls that still protect me,

Now at 27.

I still can’t read out loud what i write,

Or, worse, read it to another soul,

I could never.

I’m so insecure,

I’m so afraid of crossing paths with people that will not understand how i feel,

Like it was when i was a kid at home.

But it is just as likely to cross paths with people who will understand,

Who will empathize,

Who will feel less alone when reading that someone else feels the same way.

That ought to be my strongest motivation to write:

If i am able to help at least one person feel less alone

And more understood,

It would all have been worth it.

Still, im frozen by the 11 inch screen staring back at me while i write,

Or the empty, white and horizontal lined journals i own.

All staring back at me,

Asking…

Why aren’t you writting more often?

Why are you writting about things that don’t matter?

Who cares about that Winnie the Pooh stuffed head?

Or how I cried to sleep that day, feeling to ashamed

And promising not to write again,

since it only made more harm than good,

Or so i thought,

At 12 years old.

-Annie, “On The Other Side Of The Tunnel”

#poems #shortstories #isanybodythere? #flashfiction #artist #writter #depression #suicide #bipolardisorder #sexualabusesurvivor #selfharm #mentalhealthawareness

[st5lker]

wild half-thought out rant since at this point im not seeing anyone on tumblr talk about this its more of a tiktok discourse thing but as someone who is gay the whole "genital preference" discourse and the way it comes from people who arent even outwardly transphobic or trans exclusionary is pretty wild to me. i can only talk about this while getting into tmi territory sorry so the rest is under a readmore

its usually transmascs especially younger ones propagating the whole idea that "its not transphobic to have genital preferences i wouldnt be offended if someone didnt want to sleep with me bc im afab" and even ignoring the way that that completely ignores how different this entire situation is for trans women, as a gay person who is very aware of and comfortable in what i am and am not attracted to it just doesnt ever make any sense to me. like i am attracted to men. point blank and period. im attracted to things that register as masculine or a feature of a man in my mind.

but like. i get the idea of where theyre coming from in that attraction is an instinctual reaction or whatever but like, sure im not "attracted" to vaginas in the sense that im not turned on by a picture of one and yes sometimes the idea of getting up close with one turns me off. but believe it or not i am still attracted to trans men and would still have sex with one because i register them as men? and in the same sense like, yeah im usually attracted to an isolated picture of a penis but like that usually comes with the idea in my mind that its attached to a man. looking at a trans woman's penis when im aware its a trans woman gives me the same hormonal reaction that looking at a cis woman's vagina does, in that... its nothing. because my mind registers that as a body part belonging to a woman. a person's genitals are one tiny part of their body and if thats the ONLY thing you can focus on when youre attracted to somebody then i really have to wonder if youre attracted to people or if you just see partners as like... sex toys with extra baggage attached

like i kind of get where theyre coming from, my brain is hardwired towards amab genitalia, but its also hardwired towards a lot of things other things too LMAO. its not like i have any particular inclination to get close and focus on afab genitalia the way i might with others but like... that doesnt mean its impossible to interact sexually with a trans man or even their genitals yknow. there are lots of ways to have sex. and like, is that to say im attracted to every single trans man or every one of them ticks the boxes that make me attracted to someone? no of course not but im far from attracted to every cis man either LOL. there are plenty of cis men who are far less attractive to me than the majority of trans men on testosterone lol and thats not even always about them being 'ugly' as much as it is them not being my type.

there are so many arguments people make about how alll trans peoples bodies are different and how you dont have to interact with trans genials and all that and while all of that is true and i just mentioned some of it i think honestly the core of the matter comes down to this: in most cases we are attracted to gender, not sex, and so we're attracted to the things that our brain pattern recognizes as matching with our orientation. and contrary to what a lot of transphobes believe if you are not actively trying to remind yourself of a trans person's AGAB every time you see them in most cases it is very easy to register them as their identity in your mind. the issue is not that youre not attracted to trans people, the issue is that you refuse to allow yourself to see trans people as anything other than the gender they were assigned at birth, and that conscious perception block is what is keeping your body from reacting to them as you would a member of your preferred gender.

[allsadnshit]

hi izzy im 22 and i have a family history of endo and have been experiencing frightening symptoms and i dont really know who else to talk to in this regard and i hope this isnt rude to send. i am just curious how u went about getting ur diagnosis and what u think are some good first steps for someone experiencing these things. my mom spent a lot of time on a lot of endless painkillers as i was growing up. and im very afraid of reproductive care bc of how archaic it is! love you thank you <3 theres no need to answer if u feel this is too invasive, i appreciate ur time

It's honestly a head start that you already know you have a family history of endo! Although diagnosis is still difficult to get considering surgery is the only official way to get one...you're honestly much more likely to be recommended a surgeon etc if you have your families medical records with it! So that's really good!

Unfortunately I will say for myself and the people I know personally with endo, getting excision surgery wasn't a relief for symptoms as it has often been advertised for some people, so in terms of pain management I don't want to be getting more surgeries myself so I wouldn't tell anyone else too either! That's a pretty personal choice considering risks and recovery, so you will have to think on that pretty seriously if you think excision could help you and make sure you are looking into what the hospitals near you offer.

For myself, diagnosis was really important since I don't have my moms medical records to assist me with understanding my health. I don't think I could be where I am at recovery, management, or socially without having the official diagnosis from laparoscopy so that was really important to me, even though diagnosis didn't do anything for me in terms in qualifying for disability or anything like that! Unfortunately with the medical system you need that paper trail if you plan to do anything in the hospital system in the future, so I am ultimately glad I got my diagnosis even though it hasn't changed things for me in terms of lifestyle or pain.

If you want to start with an obgyn, that's what most people do! And they probably won't let you talk to a specialist before you rule out the basics with getting scans and blood tests first to confirm they can't more easily see why you are in so much pain. But even if your obgyn doesn't help you, you can at least search for a surgeon after that initial intake process being able to say "I already had tests and scans done, it was inconclusive, so I need to move towards surgery for diagnosis".

Obviously I won't have a solution or answer for the broader scope of what to do because even if you do have endo, it's dynamic and can affect people so differently that it really isn't a one size fits all. If anything, I really really do NOT recommend going on any form of hormone or birth control for pain management no matter how hard it's pushed on you. I really don't believe in that method and it's another way to cover up symptoms rather than getting to the root of healing or understanding.

The biggest changes for me have come with lifestyle: changing my diet to healthier less processed options which means not eating out 90% of the time and cooking with really good quality ingredients, getting a nutritionalist who's worked with endo before, cutting back on manual labor working hours, and processing the trauma of chronic illness in therapy and pin pointing places in my life that need my attention or serious over haul for me to rebalance my stress. Stress and endo are soooo tied together because it's hormone effected so it absolutely cannot be overlooked.

Sorry to hear you are suffering in this way! I no longer take any pain medication because of a similar fear. I recommend tiger balm muscle rub lotion on your lower back, getsomedays cramp cream on your front, and a hot rice heating pad on top for pain relief + drink water + sleep well at all costs. It's a marathon not a race!

[lynsburner]

BESTIE BESTIE BESTIE DID YOU SEE THE VID OF ANDY SINGING UNKNOWN ON STAGE????

https://twitter.com/hozier/status/1666156710816251927?s=46&t=LSoyIXqT91OLGNpISabobw

“you know the distance never made a difference to me” THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT OF WAS YOUR FIC 😭 this song is sooooo andy/lovely core im obsessed!! i can’t wait for it to come out, A) bc it sounds amazing already, and B) bc im so excited to hear your thoughts on it!!!

Oh... bestie... you might not like my answer for this one because I am absolutely begging him to put this one bACK IN THE VAULT (or whatever it is. Sorry I have too much Taylor on my mind after going to the eras tour twice now. And for the last time, I swear.)

Is it a bad song? Absolutely fucking not. It's gorgeous. But it hits a little too close to home for me.

So... I am about to tell a silly story. Picture this. It is late September. I am SEATED to see Carly Rae Jepsen at Radio City. I check twitter (yes I am on the hoz side of twitter. Not under this name, though lol). People are freaking out about a tik tok he made. I had only seen a small clip posted of him jamming on a guitar so I think nothing of it.

The curtain goes up. Carly comes on. I am having the most fun two hours of my life because how can't you when you get to hear the best opening number for an album ever made, sax and all? She ends with Cut to the Feeling, one of the most joyous songs ever made! I am on a happiness high! Nothing can ruin my night!

And then I am sitting at the bus stop and I check tik tok and realize it was a full song! A full song about a long-distance relationship! And I start SOBBING!!!! Because guess what? That song is SAD!

So I go from absolutely forgetting every bad thing that had ever happened to me to full-on crying about a failed relationship I was still not over!!! In the middle of 5th Avenue, no less!!!!

Idk if you've heard the full thing, but it is DEPRESSING! It's basically the opposite of Francesca (or the "I'd do it all over again" motif) ! He literally sings "And there are some people, love, who are better unknown" like??? Imagine thinking you're better off never someone than knowing them at all! (which, I know is my interpretation, and I can very much be wrong but that's what it's giving to me!) I can imagine! I was still in that mindset! Especially since this one was about a long-distance relationship! It hit me too fucking hard!!! I have literally ignored every live performance I've come across of it on social media since because it makes me absolutely sob!!! I wish I was joking!

Anyway, a hilarious bookend to this: the day he announced in that Instagram Q&A the date Unknown was officially being released? Guess who I was seeing in concert that night? That's right! Carly Rae FUCKING Jepsen!!!!! *Insert the "If I had a nickel" meme here*

But yeah, he got the real long-distance thing down to a fucking t, especially with the second verse, "Funny how true colors shine in darkness and in secrecy. If there were scarlet flags, they washed out in thе mind of me" because yeah, you can forgive a lot of shit when the person isn't physically in front of you! Also, "Where a blinding light shonе on you every night Either side of my sleep" to me is just a fancy little way of saying face time/late night calls lol. (Again, I could be wrong, but still!)

But (I am sorry for repeating "But"... BUT!) he also confirmed it's from circle 9, which is treachery! Which... well I am not defining a successful relationship as treachery, I'm sorry! Judas is in that circle! And I did too many years in Catholic school to know what that guy fucking did!

Anyway, unlike me and my ex (and whoever the fuck Hoz is singing about, may they have their peace and never have to hear this one randomly in a store or some shit), Andrew and Lovely are definitely on better terms in my mind and are absolutely thriving <3 As I said before, love those crazy kids! They're in their own universe probably looking at rings as we speak! Or face-timing since he's out on the road! Good for them!

This is also not an insult to long-distance relationships in general. I loved that shit. It was wonderful! The guy, though? He sucks! And I am still doing some reflecting on that (which I am sure will continue once I force myself to listen to Unknown in a non tik tok way!)

Lovely Anon, I know this is not the answer you expected, but hopefully, it makes you chuckle! Or at least gets you to listen to the greatest album ever made: Emotion, by Carly Rae Jepsen!

PS: thank you for that other ask because I have been putting "no plan" back into my rotation of songs and oh boy I forgot how fucking good it was!!!!!

PPS: I hope this didn't come off as too, "Uhm, actually!" because that was not my intent! The opening, out of context, is absolutely Lovely and Andrew coded! But the rest? Oh, she has words for him!!!!!

[its-a-hil]

k time for our regularly scheduled sleepy oversharing time (answering all the questions from this ask game)

(1) Do you have freckles? nope ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(2) Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it? sometimes i drink tea if im sick or chai socially but thats basically it. chocolate is the closest thing i have to a regular stimulant

(3) What was the last song you listened to? this lagtrain edit idk i really like just. semi-chaotic noise that sounds out of place and a bit incongruent. probably why i like pokeloid

(4) Do you sleep on your back, stomach or side? diagonalish but mostly on my side. i alternate sides though in fact i used to sleep on my stomach until i read a newspaper article that said a plurality of ppl sleep on their side and then i got scared and completely changed the way i sleep in like 6th grade in case you somehow needed more evidence im autistic

(5) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? blåhaj!! !!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love her need to clean her though also i stream with my hello kitty velvet and i think that's kinda relevant

(6) Do you prefer drawing or writing? i like both but i am so so so much less bad at writing so that's more fulfilling i need to do both a lot more though ive been procrastinating a lot of tales of luminaria writing and art that i feel a compulsive need to make since the game was shuttered

(7) What’s your ideal number of blankets to sleep with? currently i sleep with blanket/comforter/blanket but i am still so so cold so i either need another blanket or one of them to be heated

(8) What’s your favorite band/artist? i mean there are a bunch that are all kinda at the same tier but i think inabakumori is at the top their vocaloids are just so. emotions

(9) When is your birthday? not gonna answer this but if you wanna check my bio every day for the next year until you see it flip to 23 i guess thats a thing you can do

(10) How tall are you? 178 cm (5'10") aka too tall please someone let me give you my height i dont fucking want it except in rock climbing it's useful for that but other than that the dysphoria is just not worth it hate hate hate

(11) What color are your eyes? brown, a bit darker than my skin but ive been complimented on my eyes by strangers more than like any part of my appearance combined so i am always confused like. theyre just my eyes! theyre pretty but only in the way that ppl eyes generally are idgi

(12) Who are five (or more) people you want to hug right now? i dont really want to hug anyone tbh like id be happy to hug a friend if they needed it but im just not feeling touch atm

(13) Fears? that samsara isnt real enough for me to defer all the experiences i dont want to miss out on to a different life also climate change also being at parties where im not super close with most of the people

(14) What’s your favorite color? the sky! i know everyone is probably tired of me saying it but i dont like the idea of picking one 'color' since that allows for so much variation, so i instead choose something that is constantly varying and always beautiful at every instant ive ever gazed upon it

(15) What’s your favorite season? summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer summer please it's so cold i want to be able to feel warm when i go outside and not feel like im killing the planet when i consider turning the thermostat up a degree

(16) Want any tattoos? What of? oh i absolutely want tattoos definitely one for outer wilds (the hourglass twins), and id be open to the berseria title card with velvet's hair flowing into the letters i just think that game is neat

(17) Want any piercings? Where? im happy with my recent earlobe piercings but it would be desi as fuck to get a nose ring so that also sounds pretty cool

(18) Who is the last person you texted? my parents telling them im coming home from work

(19) Do you have a best friend? How long have you been friends? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ closest thing is probably my college roommate for 3 years but he went to grad school in a different state so ive barely seen him since

(20) What/who do you miss? oh well that's a question and a half i miss my ability to just get a crush and imagine cute and unrealistic fantasy stories where i went out with them now a combination of adult™ realism and the couple years i spent beating myself up for ever feeling romantic attraction have made doing both of those things so much harder so i just stick to projecting myself in established plots i mean its better than it was near the end of high school but. not as good as middle school when i actively loved going to bed just so i could imagine whatever i wanted in the hourish before i fell asleep

(21) How was your day today? tired. slept too early last night and thus the day had no sense of urgency and my head felt very bleh the entire time

(22) How much sleep did you get last night? 8 hours which is kinda the problem i function best with having had 9-10 hours two nights ago and 4-6 hours the night of and whenever i try to get a regular person sleep schedule™ it just makes me feel bad

(23) Do you believe in aliens? not like conspiracy theories or anything like that but. the universe is so BIG and we're finding so many planets that it feels impossible for there to not be life elsewhere also $20 europa has whales in it

(24) When was the last time you cried? Why? idk crying is hard and has barely ever happened since i felt bad about crying at a book in 6th grade and hammered it out of my brain. clearly my masking behaviors have never once been self destructive and i am an extraordinarily well adjusted girlie more recently my parents probably said something that made me feel bad and i semi-succeeded at crying in the shower and forgot about it the day after

(25) What’s your favorite decade? is it really possible for me to answer anything but the present? theres only been one decade where ive been a girl for part of it theres only been one decade where i fell in love with the sound of my voice theres only been one decade where i lived for myself and not for who i expected myself to be

(26) What are some seemingly childish things you like? i mean. i watch cartoons and eat sweets and enjoy going outside and getting distracted by everything i see there not sure what it means for something to be 'childish' tbh

(27) What’s your favorite book? Or just one you’ve read a few times? favorite book is the raven tower by ann leckie it's just. such a wonderful story in such a beautiful world that i feel like i was made for book ive read the most is probably son of neptune though, i know i spent a few months just kinda picking it up at a random page and rereading a few chapters every couple of days

(28) How are you, really? not answering this it's cliche and boring

(29) Does it take you a long time to make decisions? yes and no if a decision is right in front of me i'll make it fairly quickly if a decision is far away then i will procrastinate it to the point of absurdity ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(30) What are you looking forward to in the near future? getting on injections! estrogen time :d

(31) What are you looking forward to in the distant future? 2024 eclipse!!!! !!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!! i know with how much im hyping it in my head it'll definitely be covered with clouds at the place i go to but i! do! not! care! the 2017 eclipse is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in the entire world and i need to see it again

(32) If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? i want to see the aurorae other than things like that im pretty comfortable sitting in my room, but the idea of viewing something so magical is just incredibly appealing

(33) Do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed otherwise my parents would see how messy my room is and the airflow would be wrong and its brighter in the hallway and just. no

(34) What’s your favorite flower? is it too cliche to say cherry blossom? i grew up near washington dc like going to see the cherry blossom festival is a part of my core identity

(35) Do you currently have a squish? not really but also my brain has a taboo against verbalizing any kind of attractive feelings so it's difficult to overcome that enough to process my thoughts without hating myself so i dont try

(36) Do you like your middle name? no it's just my dad's name, which already feels old-fashioned in indian terms let alone the fact that it sounds vaguely like a mildly off-putting (to me) phrase in english

(37) Do you prefer dogs or cats? i love seeing them both outside or in friends' homes and i am unlikely to ever adopt one so that's the extent of it

(38) Do you have any phobias? i dont think so

(39) Do you stay up late? not late enough

(40) Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy? a not-sunny beach is definitely cold so. yeah. the last beach ive been to was in gdynia though so i might be unfairly projecting how cold the baltic sea is onto other beaches that are reasonable temperatures

(41) What’s your favorite cartoon? if we're counting anime: bna if we're not: amphibia actually now that i think about it i need to rewatch kipo and the age of wonderbeasts that was good

(42) Tag 5 of your favorite blogs no

(43) Do you have siblings? How many? one older sister

(44) Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? probably my parents

(45) Is there anyone you would die for? oh absolutely. loads. the more interesting question would be 'is there anyone you would kill for' and that is far far more difficult to answer

(46) What do you need when you’re sad? patience

(47) Have you memorized your phone number? ofc i have it has interesting math properties associated with it that i sadly cant say here bc saying all the properties, even in a relatively cryptic form, would narrow it down to like 10 options if someone knew my area code

(48) Who’s someone you can trust with your life? this question is ridiculous when cars exist. i have to trust pretty much every driver near me with my life whether im in a car or walking near a road so i dont view it as a particularly meaningful level of trust nor do i view my life as something particularly worth guarding so like. whatever, yknow? (note: this isnt a mental health thing it's a samsara thing dw) if this body dies it dies and i wouldnt want anyone i care about to feel responsible no matter what

(49) What does your last text say? already said it

(50) Wild Card. Any question, ask away. my favorite font is alegreya sc

[arcane-clown]

With my narcolepsy if someone yells or a horn honks i start feeling really gross and bad and then have to sprawl out on the ground and sleep til i stop feeling bad. I cant control that reaction. Its the most difficult in environments where there is no control but still are a necessity, like the grocery store or the city bus. Im really glad my region has told people to keep the volume on their phones off on the bus. Also im way less likely to get my sleep attacks set off by an autistic person stimming loudly than i am by someone listening to random videos really loud in public. But either way, i have no control, and i am left vulnerable and functionless when i get triggered. I’m glad when places offer a quiet room so i can sprawl out and not have people worried i’m dying or something, but most places don’t have that, even though there are many different types of people that could accommodate. Either way though, i have to live my life. I’ve found the best way to get accommodations is having someone who knows me with me when i ask for things. I feel a lot more validated when someone who has seen how my narcolepsy affects me is like, no you need to be asking for this.

Thinking about the dichotomy of "I feel uncomfortable/triggered in the presence of x/y/z environments I would like to be someplace without that" that I constantly see online and when I tell my therapist I really get uncomfortable when people raise their voices around me even if they aren't actually mad and her response of "you can only control your own reactions and emotions, it's not really fair to police others on how they should exist in your presence" and honestly it sucks to hear but she's right.. it's good to have people be conscientious of what triggers you but really it's up to us to do the hard work of building that emotional resilience. The idea of people around me having to be hypervigilant of what they say and do lest I start getting dysregulated does not sound fun at all, I want people to feel comfortable being themselves around me and that means training my dumb lizard brain to chill tf out. Living in a constant state of avoidance sucks ass for everyone involved.

[fraener]

10/22/24

time is passing so strangely and slowly. h is sick so we havent hung out in 4 or 5 days. euphonium boy and i spoke on the phone the other day, i think i mightve written that in my last entry but im not sure. he didnt say anything very weird so i didnt feel that piqued. hes slow to respond, not interested in sharing unprompted, seems to want attention but doesnt know what to do with it and doesnt acknowledge it when its received. his voice is gravely and tired sounding, kind of meander-y and nasal like ians but with more vocal fry. he was charming in the moments he became embarrassed. in a way its a relief hes got a partner already so i dont really have to do any heavy lifting and can just be some kind of mild secondary interest which seems perhaps to be the shape of things. i kind of expect we might sleep together and not really talk again based on the lack of truly visible interest on his side. sure, he thinks im cute. there isnt anything particularly special about that sentiment. theres not really that 'nre' that people talk about... had a dream about him last night where he drank a lot which was odd. also dreamed about ian who is in some measure making a distant reappearance in my life, page is back up on social media but he took most of the photos of himself down from it. in the end all these years later i am still just walking in circles around the nasty storm drain of a wound i have from our relationship. simultaneously it holds how sad i actually am that i lost m completely out of my life and how ridiculous it feels that i honestly thought id make a lasting impression on ian at all. i kind of feel right back where i was a week an a half ago before i even met euphonium boy, lonely, depressed, a little crazy, a little lost, and primarily overlooked and sort of worthless. i still just want someone to barge in and pester me all the time and want me around and want me enough to say they want me around. exhausting and feels like it wont ever happen. i slept well last night though and am feeling a little less bad than i did yesterday. going to hang out with c today and make some music or do some drawings or something. s said he wants our relationship to be more physically intimate and that he wants to become comfortable with touch with someone he trusts. that made me feel glad, it's what i want too. every day it gets a little harder to explain exactly what s is. i love the puppy love hes having about his coworker its the cutest thing ive ever seen. the more i walk backwards into an "emotionally and physically intimate" relationship with him i cant help but think about how ridiculous it is that were supposed to socially prioritize these relationships that are based entirely around anxiety and scarcity and convincing yourself you should have an immediate and deep and intimate relationship with someone before you even know them. it shouldnt feel like such a big secret that dating is the stupidest thing ever invented and i cant believe were doing it like this

[pwblogarchive]

April 2004

April 1, 2004

“hey heartbreaker, you'll never work in this town again”

I think someone is impersonating me online. Could be a joke. But if you talk to someone online and they say they are me, they aren't. I don't talk to anyone online. Texas is fun. We got some sick clandestine hoodies. They've got bats on the hoods and all. Sidenote: I love nickplan. Sorry my words don't have the same weight they usually have right now. Usually they feel stuck in my throat, today it feels okay inside my skin. Oh yeah chicagoland. We want to roadtest some of our new songs so we will be playing around unannounced on shows at really small venues in the next few months. If you snooze you lose. You never know what show we may play.

April 4, 2004

“we love life”

Texas was sex. Dallas being the most amazing. Its hot down here. We played with a band called DV8, this really young band (13-15). They were rad. The bassists bass was bigger than him. Me some rad kids in arkansas, they were starry-eyed and made me tongue-tied. I've been writing a lot lately. All my old charms and curses are back in full swing. I can't wait to get home. Well take these hearts and rename them dangerous and invincible. Well make them too hard to break.

Peterpan

April 7, 2004

“a man-made monster with every human emotion (clandestine explained 1)”

So a lot of people have been asking us about these hoodies and shirt with bats on them. It is not a clothing company. It is not a new band. When I was younger I had this same nightmare over and over again- so my friend tim biedron and I made a story of it (www.timbiedron.com to check out his art). The story is finished and we are waiting on some of the illustration. You may love it or hate it but its something that was stuck inside my head for a long time. We will be selling shirts and skatedecks online soon (www.clandestineindustries.com) and the story will be available this summer. Take the time to check it out if you get a chance.

Love peter

April 10, 2004

“ice age, heat wave cant complain”

i really like the new modest mouse cd. it's called good news for people who love bad news. purchase it.

April 11, 2004

“the moon has one third less gravity than your earth, i don't know if you can comprehend that”

im home. i love aqua teen hunger force. its hilarious. i wanted to let everyone know that if you haven't heard the point id suggest checking them out. a good mix of core and punk rock type stuff. i really really enjoy the hell out of them. www.thepointrock.com

still listening to modest mouse. still think you should get it. being home is nice. im full of food and really clean and im wearing my hood up. im way tired.

April 11, 2004

“I want to sleep on portraits painted as perfect as you”

Thanks for fun on tour. For the record for those in freeport- we had a little bit of fun with you. I will not ever drink. Its not my thing. So if you think there was more than water in that beer bottle, I have a bridge you might wanna buy too.

April 12, 2004

in response to a post on our messageboard, i want to say that i eat only cocoa crispies. i dont dig any other cereals.

April 14, 2004

“in case you're keeping score”

Being in a band is the ultimate friendship ruiner. Went to two shows tonight. In addition to all the smoke got to hang with: akas, beautiful mistake, dld, apo, senses fail and rufio. Being in a band is the best friendship maker. I am getting this awesome bass custom made, black with a red pick guard, no knobs, wired "on". I think it got me weird, so I dyed my hair red and black. Its sex or maybe not. I have 80 pages of lyrics to wade through. New songs soon. New love soon. Style update: I'm only gonna wear little polo tees with the collars up from now on. The clandestine webstore is almost up. I want to get "mom" tattoo for mothers day.

Peter

April 14, 2004

i just wanted to welcome the academy to the family. it's cool cause i've seen these guys go from the beginning and now we're here....

- petey

April 15, 2004

“who dares wins.”

i have been having such a rad time at home. but i must admit i haven't gotten used to sleeping with out hearing my friends breathing in hotel rooms. my bed doesn't feel the same. we leave again today. i am excited to see old friends. i am excited to see some bands too. the full clandestine website is going to launch on april 22 at www.clandestineindustries.com - we'll have some gear at the next couple of shows.

i was gonna post some pictures of my experiments with shaving and hair dye here. but i don't know how so go on over to: www.fueledbyramen.com/journal to see em.

love peterlewiskingstonwentz

i've found that liars always sing the loudest. heart in mouth, ego on sleeve. you've always got the right girl and the right line. i swear to god, take this mic and cross my heart and hope you die. i'm singing this one just flat of the key of love. liars always sing the loudest. the act is getting old but i'm sure all the fools will follow like vermin down the hole.

April 15, 2004

hey jerks. i got bored and dyed my hair red and black- oooh scary. when i am home i only wear sweatpants and don't shave. here's a look into the life of a loser:

make me say ugh nahnahnahnah

[image here]

there's that quarterback smile we all hate 

[image here]

born to lose 

[image here]

pretty emo bro, you could use this one to score on live journal 

[image here]

and here's the after shaved and ready to do some stagedives. new jersey or bust. 

[image here]

this may in fact be photo evidence that i am gay 

[image here]

now that we have that out of the way. the full clandestine site should launch on april 22. we'll be selling some gear at skateandsurf and at a couple of these shows on the way out. tour never ends. for real go and listen to my friend ben's band, it's called Not Enough Gold. they smoke. our tour this summer is gonna be called "believers never die" get into it. sorry for all the pictures, this ain't my space biatch, send me some.

1 2 3 L U V!

- petey

April 26, 2004

so much has been going on. my head has been moving too fast, i can't catch up. clandestineindustries.com is up.

i've got a picture from skate and surf in new jersey. we will have more soon, excuse the quality. you can see how insane this room was.

[image here]

- petey

[hymn-of-muse]

Hello! Hello! Good day! If match-up requests are still open, hope u don't mind me requesting one?

Fandoms: Genshin

Appearance: I'm like 5'0. I have a black, long, wavy hair that lengths past my shoulders. I'm usually seen putting hair clamps. I'm tan and has a brown eyes.

Personality: I'm some sort of Xiao. Quite of a distant individual and not used with people's trends like doing tiktoks or wearing lipsticks. But I sometimes try some. Then that leads me to doing cosplays. Aside from that, I am concious around me especially talking to others. I really don't know how to get along with others much so I tend to share less and gets serious with people who wants me to do something. With my friends, i'm different and shares most part of myself and tends to get stick with them when I saw them. But despite of that, i'm a bit closed off and would distance myself sometimes. Overthinking a lot that I might did something bad to others even it's not or an accident. I do something physical with im with someone who's very comfortable with like hugging or clinging my arm around them then retreating because i'm not used to them. I avoid most of it when someone tries to cling on me or some sort but let someone hug me sometimes. I am sort of blunt with my actions and words. And I tend to get stutter.

Additional Information: Sleeping is my personality and I tend to sleep here and there. ┐⁠(⁠´⁠ー⁠｀⁠)⁠┌

Likes & Dislikes: As I mentioned, I really love to cosplay but i'm broke. Then because of my hyper fixation of the hobby, I love money. ✋ Then I like to wear light make ups. I like to sketch, sing and showing off sometimes in front of others (shying away as a result). I don't like someone who doesn't know what their doing like invading someone's personal space or making fun of me, thinking we're friends.

Preferences: I'm a she/her and I would like to be paired by a male.

Another Additional Information: I would also prefer someone who can keep up with my tired and distant personality. 🥹🥹

Thank You for reading!

diluc comes to mind to pair you with. from what i skimmed from your submission, youre around the same energy level socially that he is.

he'd be more than okay with the quiet distant aura you have and enjoys whatever time he gets to spend with you. hes not too big on pda himself he'd rather keep affections in private and not draw attention to his relationships.

he'd memorise your favourite drinks just how you like them and be ready to make them whenever you come by while he's working in the tavern.

if you need to chat he'd be a great listener and always have some good reasurance to give you, help you through your overthinking and what not. heck if you asked he'd probably reserve the top floor just for you so you had a quiet place to sit.

yes he would secretly fund your hobby by leaving you gifts like things you looked at but couldnt buy yourself or things he thinks you might like or might go nice with a cosplay youre planning.

fischl would probably be your cosplay pal so he might try getting tips and ideas from her and oz (theyre pals cuz they both have pet birds)

matchups currently closed!

[stfuviolet1]

it's not that hard after all, aint it?

If there's one thing I learn for the past months it'd be;

self love > anything else

All this while I've always thought its impossible to love myself that I often seek other individual's validation on me. As a result? I was never really at peace with myself. I seek someone else's love to fill in the void in me, hoping they would love me for who I am just because I couldn't seem to do it for myself. The void that I myself created because of all the insecurities that has grown in me since forever has given me a hard time to look at myself in the mirror and love what I'm seeing. Until one day I realise, no one's gonna do it for me other than me, no one's gonna love me more than me, no one's gonna be there with me forever other than me. I am the person who I wake up with, go to sleep with, living live with for as long as I'm alive. like shit really slaps me hard realising that I am my own person, my own friend, my own lover how could I treat myself less than what I deserve I mean is it not bad enough I let other human beings destroy me from within and now I'm being a jerk to my own self? what a JERK. okay I take that back, I've made a vow to never ever speak ill towards myself again even if I'm about to make the biggest mistake in my life. yeah sure I'm gonna be devastated but hey, isn't mistake the best teacher?

Looking back, I'm glad where life has taken me to. Im not gonna lie 2023 is the most dull year I've ever lived in so far but I'm also not gonna lie its also the year where I learnt a lot about self love. the price I have to pay to get to where I am now? 5 months of depression, heartbreaks, lost of partner and friendships. But I guess I rather have 1 uncomfortable year than stuck in misery forever. I feel like a newborn, new person, like I'm slowly getting myself back, taking back what I've lost and most importantly I'm taking control of what used to control me. yes bitch I'm getting that boss behaviour back and no one and nothing can stop me from doing so. I am SO GONNA WIN. I don't give a flying fuck of what people think of me, whether or not they gonna love or accept me, I will still have my back. cause guess what? not a single soul understands me more than I do so why not just be my own muse, my own fighter my own therapist. I don't have anything to lose as I've made peace with the fact that its not that bad to live life alone. Sure I still want a partner to share life with but if I'm destined to be alone, its okay too. No matter how alone I am, I am not gonna let myself feeling lonely. There are always ways to cherish life and now I'm just gonna focus living life and enjoy the littlest thing.