#im kinda hoping to see it again idk if i have it anymore but ill laugh if someone has it

[astralmarionette]

i think someone should kill me. violently. make my body unidentifiable. dismember me. discard my limbs in different parts of town.

[lunar-fey]

just logged into my old discord by accident (i still use both emails and sometimes i forget which one is on my current account) and saw a couple messages over the last couple weeks from . okay we have nearly no message history and theres no identifying info on the acct but im PRETTY sure its an old irl i havent talked to in years.....

[chisungie]

.

[othercrossee]

No art until late September or sth

[phagodyke]

i will ALWAYS be salty abt the ed-sheeranification of one ok rock (one of my fave personality-building anecdotes i explain at parties to ppl getting to know me) but the fact is that takas voice is soooo hot he could sing the words on the back of a milk carton to the tune of a t*ylor sw*ft song + id probably still listen to him. sorry

[changbinsboobs]

hi I saw you did a post on how skz views the kpop industry & it’s future! I was wondering if you could do a reading on how skz sees their future as a group? Thank you if you do!

Omg i can't believe this happened again😭 i lost almost the whole reading...AGAIN!!!!!😤

3rd Eye Tarot used

*for entertainment purposes only!

What do Skz think about their future as a group?

Chan

He thinks their future is gonna be very fruitful and thinks/hopes they can do this for a long time until they're old and saggy💗 (very optimistic, almost child-like energy, like kinda naive)

Lee Know

He thinks they have a bright future as long as they keep putting in effort and strive for the top. Hd thinks skz will get even bigger and more successful in the future.

Changbin

Ughhhh i don't wann rewrite that huge paragraph😭 someone save me🥲 ok so he has a lot to say here. Skz doesn't bring him the fulfillment he thought it would or once did and he feels trapped in that position he has, but he doesn't have a different direction he wants to go so he just stays. Like he knows thats not for him anymore and that his place, happiness an fulfillment is somewhere else but he doesn't know where yet so instead of making a rash decision that would influence so many people (his group, his company, his fans, himself) he decides to stay until he at least knows where to. I think he feels like the renewal of contracts couldn't have come at a worst time. Any other time he wouldn't hesitate at all to renew it but i think due to his metamorphosis currently, he had a huge difficulty deciding. Or well, not really deciding, i think the decision cane quick, what he struggled with i think was accepting his decision. Cuz i don't think he's happy with it but he tries to trick himself into loving it to make it more "bearable". Now don't get me wrong he still likes being in the group, he still likes doing music and being an idol. But it feels like his time for that has gone up and its not "his" thing anymore. Also regarding skz, or think he views them as very successful and thinks they'll be even more successful in the future, but i don't think he assigns this success to himself anymore. I think he doesn't identify himself with skz and feels kinda left out. Idk how to describe it. Like he just doesn't belong there anymore, the way that he used to.

(Ugjfkkff im really dissatisfied with what i wrote here cuz the first time i wrote it it was really coherent and it all made sense and u could clearly follow the train of thought in it cuz i was reading straight up from the energy but now i had to like recall from memory what i have already written, and i feel like the second time its not as pure as the first cuz i have already read it once and know what its about so when i rewrite it it doesn't go abcdefg, it doesn't go a,d,g it goes cfabgf, like all over the place. Cuz now it comes from the mind instead of the heart. Well anyway...ill try to save it all next time🥲)

Hyunjin

Ughhh...so i think he either thinks the group would continue without some members, orrrr...he thinks the group would be more successful without some members. Idk which one thats about but i definitely don't see an ot8. Other than that i think he wants to try out more different kinds of concepts than they're doing right now and thinks skz will have the success and freedom in the future to do so. Also the thing in the begining might also be concerning sub units. So like he thinks the group might split into 2 sub units in the future and that way one would be more successful cus it embodies a different concept thats more hip.

Han

I think he thinks that theres some different opinions to come in the future that might excite the waters. But if they manage to talk them out the group will continue being successful.

Felix

He and chan are the mist enthusiastic ones. He thinks Skz is gonna reap great, amazing success in the future. Even more than now. Twice as much. 10-fold even. And he feels deep love towards the group like the members individually but also the group skz itself. He feels kinda possessive and attached to it, like some sort of his safety blanket or idk how to call it. I think thats in terms of emotional co-dependance, but also financially cuz it gives him great freedom and he's already accustomed to a life style that he likes. I think he also really appreciates the love from the fans and it gives him a sense of security cuz he gets all the confirmation his heart desires from the fans. He really lives the love and adoration he's drown in and wants to keep it that way for the future too and thinks he has quite a few good years in the industry together with the guys.

Seungmin

He thinks Skz has already made their bed and even if they were to just lay back and reap the fruits they've grown they would still be successful and well of. That being said i don't think he sees a need to push and hustle the way they did when they first debuted and i believe he thinks that actually laying back a bit would even boost their popularity as people start to miss them and they become kinda "exclusive"(?) like when you can't have something all the time, you want it even more.

I.N

Im not picking on much details here i think he just wants to keep doing what they have been doing until now, and thinks as long as they keep their integrity about their work they will be successful:)

[achvlles]

severance thought dump (s2ep3)

okay so I've been thinking A LOT about the show so ill just... uh... ill just dump it here... feel free to engage

SPOILERS FOR SEVERANCE SEASON 2

MARK S.

okay so innie mark and outie mark are, actually, on the same quest! WIFE SAVING! markhelly shippers I see you and personally I really hope we get a poly vibe going on for the future. would be nice

if I think for more than two minutes about that final scene of ep 3 I just start crying!! because of all!! The Implications!!! Adam Scott the actor that you are!!!

I get so emotional with mark I can't really think anything else

HELLY S.

she's dead or something guys innie helly is NOT here. I can't se how she's the innie its IMPOSSIBLE. helly is like the ultimate anarchist she would just try to hang herself again or smth

outie helly tho.... im not sure if she will be slowly getting into mark - or/and if she will develop a weird relationship with him (thinking about the awkward tension between them - and obviously when she is watching the kissing camera footage on repeat)

that said…. i love a tortured character… she really is in a limbo position; could help overthrow lumon & learn its secrets (how much does Helena really know about the goings-on of the severed experiment?) or win back her family’s favor… she clearly has a defiant personality! and she herself admits in one of the videos we are shown in the lumon event that “her father would love her to say she does it because of loyalty” but “she does it for fun”… that makes me think that maybe she has never been in a good situation with her family; maybe she undergoes severance just to get on their good side + a massively huge propaganda campaign, which could mean there is room for her to dwell between either betraying lumon or making lumon stronger

IRVING B.

give my boy HIS BOYFRIEND BACK!!!!! NOW!!!!!!

outie burt SPYING ON HIM?????

so far we've been given little information about his outie - we know that his dad was a soldier (?) and that he has some kinda plan maybe against lumon (?) I mean WHY ELSE would he have researched where the other workers are. and also keep it LOCKED.

my conspiracy theory is that his outie wants to destroy lumon from the inside or something like that idk

also gay ass moment between him and Dylan . irvdylan nation make some noise we eatin tonight

DYLAN G.

so Dylans wife will fall in love with innie Dylan THATS FOR SURE CMON.... outie Dylan framed as a kinda useless husband - who even if she loves, maybe is depressed (bc of not being able of "finding his thing"- and even so, "his thing" in lumon is something he doesn't even remember) and that can take a heavy toll on a family & marriage...

innie Dylan is just So Sweet... just finding out he has a wife and three kids outside and then MEETING THEM!!! someone that loves you!!!! for someone whose WHOLE EXISTENCE is limited to pressing keys and hoping that MEANS something... suddenly IT DOES! so my take is: Dylan will want to be on lumons good side, not only because of the family visits... but because he wants to provide for his family....

MISS HARMONY COBEL

idk anymore about you... I love you crazy bitch...

WHO IS CHARLOTTE???

okay... HEAR ME OUT... I really think she has her own schemes. her own plans... we are shown that she is born and raised into the kier cult - her house has an altar, she knows the principles BY HEART, and she got to be the manager of the severed floor! I can't stop thinking about the moment where outie mark confronts her, and in the exact moment he mentions Gemma, she goes crazy and drives away; does she know something and want to tell mark, but can't?so:

(1) she obviously has a personal investment with the "severed project" - whatever it is they do down there. she clearly wants mark to decipher the files or whatever the fuck they do...the work is important and mysterious... maybe so because Charlotte is also a severed employee - maybe like marks wife, who seems like cannot leave the severed floor - and decoding that final file is the answer? she gives me mad scientist vibes, like she wants her creation (mark) to fulfill the purpose she has... invested... him into? all of this would have to do about WHAT THE FUCK are they working on - is it a really fucked up brain experiment? are they decoding their own memories or something?

(2) all the above but harmony's motivation is to destroy lumen - yea also like outie Irving, from the inside. she has dwelled in the cult, maybe they took Charlotte and wants her back... but this time she's angry

THE GOATS

i love you goat people!!!!!!! i have a new wife and she is the ceo of goats!!!

maybe they… they raise cattle to harvest their organs and… experiment??? are the people with goat skins… goats turned into humans? do they turn humans into goats as well??? i really am lost here

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HUSBANDRY TANKS??

[feelingpoorly]

Life lesson: avoid expired egg noodles

So I usually post whiny attention seeking shit like this on my insta bc even tho my kink does not apply to me at all, in some weird way complaining about how ill and knowing people would see it still kinda turns me on a little

But I figured what better place to whine about it here instead since, idk this is kinda what this blog is for

-

So we went to the shop last night and got a bunch of food from the reduced section. We do this fairly regularly cuz the expired food is so cheap and it’s usually fine if you eat it same day

Well I learnt my lesson lol. Amongst one of the things we got a couple packs of fresh egg noodles in some sauce. I didn’t really like them, but store bought is never gonna be as good as the real thing anyway right?

I was snacking on some cereal at like midnight, having eaten these noodles at like 7. I noticed that I was getting pretty severe stomach pain in the top of my stomach. It was weird and I didn’t really understand why. However I had taken some prescription painkillers earlier that day and although I take a different medication with them to try and stop this happening, they can have a habit of wrecking my stomach and giving me a tummy ache. I thought it was weird, since I definitely HAD remembered to take them with the other med this time, but whatever

Anyway I woke up this morning, we were going out to meet up with some of my partners friends for coffee. I immediately realised I felt bloated as hell, like painfully so. I figured it would pass once I was up and moving around.

It did not.

It pretty quickly progressed into pretty severe stomach cramps, to the point where every time I stood up, it would cramp so hard I couldn’t stop myself from kinda curling over and wincing. At that point I was starting to worry something was actually wrong and I wasn’t just a bit bloated.

I quite quickly started feeling pretty sick, and that’s panic territory for me, being emetophobic. I took a dissolvable anti sickness tablet, but the nausea combined with the horrible cramping made me feel very unwell. I really felt awful and sick and at that point I had to say to my partner, if I say I don’t feel well please can you just take me home. I didn’t know how I was gonna cope sitting in a coffee shop feeling like this. When the cramps hit I was in a lot of pain. Bearing in mind I live with chronic pain, I’m not a baby about pain, but this was the kind of pain that you just wince voluntarily and I couldn’t hide it.

Thankfully the anti sickness meds kicked in, and after sitting down for a while the nausea and the cramps settled down a bit to the point where I was no longer freaking out about being ill in public. I should probably add here that on the way there in the car, my stomach was making some really upset sounding deep rumbling gurgles. Like it didn’t sound good. The kinda gurgles that only come with being sick. I didn’t feel well enough to have a drink or anything to eat which probably looked a little suss. Later on a got just a bottle of lemonade hoping it would settle my stomach but when I sipped it, it just make it worse and my stomach started cramping again.

Skip to being home this evening, I’d thought the worse was over and I’d been feeling kinda ok. I had some light dinner, and what a fucking bad idea that was lol.

Im not having the intermittent intense cramps anymore but like, now my whole stomach feels bloated af again and I have like this sharp cramping pain kinda all over, both upper and lower stomach with just no relief. I’m so bloated my stomach is sticking out but there’s no relief from it at all. Holding my stomach helps but I feel so embarrassed so I’ve tried to hide it and only rub my tummy when my partner went to sleep.

What makes it worse, is that up until this point I had no idea what caused any of this. But when we got home, there was an absolutely rancid smell in the kitchen that smelt like off, rotting food. It was absolutely foul. It almost even smelt like vomit, and just smelling it made my nausea kick off all over again.

It was the leftover noodles. And let me tell you, they smelt pungent as FUCK. I literally ate those last night, and they smell that bad today? No wonder I’ve felt ill. I have that shit in my stomach. Even after my partner bagged up the leftovers, sealed it and put it in the bin, just the PLATE they were on is still emitting this foul smell, it’s just awful

Eating dinner was a bad choice, because now I just feel worse again. I don’t feel that sick anymore, probably because of the meds, but my stomach feels horrible again. I’m in so much pain, I can’t suck my tummy in at all with how sore and bloated and painful it is. I feel like an absolutely pathetic self indulgent lil bitch but I literally just went to make myself a hot water bottle to hold to my tummy as I try and sleep, because it hurts and this is not fun. I just want some relief, and currently nothing else is helping. As I’m lying here holding my tummy with one hand and holding the hot water bottle on it with the other, it’s gurgling and glugging really loudly sickly again and it just feels awful. I can literally feel it in my insides, and with the way it feels I just really hope it doesn’t all come back up again, probably still along with the undigested noodles from last night if the way I’m feeling is anything to go by 🥺

-

Anyway, I just came here to complain about it in way too much detail lmao. Hopefully someone enjoys my misery. As I said, although it’s embarrassing as hell, somehow the thought of other people knowing or being sympathetic etc is also kinda hot

If anyone wants to use my sorry ass as fic inspo then ofc you have my blessing lmao. In fact, if you do, PLEASE let me know as I’d love to read it haha

Anyway, off to moan quietly to myself and hold the hot water bottle on my aching tummy now x

[pumpkinsy0]

Pakistani Steve hcs 🇵🇰😚

OoOoOo never rlly hear about this one before but ill bite!!! as always pls do correct me if i say somethin wrong!!

•he loves seekh kebab, he like rarely has it tho, his dad doesnt cook it allat much, or at all rlly

•id say johnny and steve have a lil bit to bond over, and one of them is being south asian!! ppl usually gloss over that fact and kinda downplays how much that rlly connects them

•theres not a lot he remembers about his mom, but he does remember the henna she would have on her hands sometimes

•yknow what, y not, lets say he was born and raised in Islamabad but moved to the us

•considering he used to live in pakistan if im not wrong, usually ppl eat w their hands??? id say soda does it w him sometimes to test it out and that means a lot to steve, especially bc soda is like, seen as thee american pretty boy, steve feels like maybe he wont b seen as an outcast completely??? i hope u get what im saying here</33

•look, he DID know urdu, but theres rlly no other pakistani ppl around where he lives so hes kinda forgetting it??? he cant speak it that fluently anymore, hes gonna hesitate a bit, but he can understand u, hes just rusty

•politeness and hospitality r pretty important in pakistani culture as far as ik, so i can def see lil steve trying to b on his best behavior w the curtis parents and as he got more and more comfortable w em, thats when he started to let loose

•religion wise, i dont see him being religious, i dont rlly see any version of steve being religious honestly, but maybe he does do somethings from Islam tho

•let him wear his shalwar kameez, ik he got ts on, wore that thing like one time in front of the gang and didnt do it again, not bc the gang was mean, he just, idk didnt wanna wear it again in front of em at least

•his favorite memories from pakistan prolly came from the Basant festivals he rarely went to, he loved the kites he would see and he would join in sometimes, his kites werent the best but it was fun for him

[virocci]

おはよう　みなさん！ welcom back to the blog ppls

i figured i should do a life update once more since its been a good while.

firstly,

i think i wanna try speaking more japanese, im learning it with my school rn and ik that i understand and can speak quite a bit. its just i forget vocab so easily :,) maybe ill start tryna speak/test more in my blog posts :>

game segment *woosh woosh super cool transition*

i bought the $30 season pass for strinova hehe. i went level like 85-87 and then bought it and gave me and extra 25 to complete the battle pass :> idk if im gonna go ahead and do that again, it all depnds what in the pass and if i feel that ill be able to finish it :,)

i also pulled THE HERTA in hsr :> (my last post) but i speant all my stellar jades on her which is soooo sad. i was planning to get jade for her if i got herta early... but i didnt :( i think ill try to farm for jades and to see if i can pull jade :> i reeeeeeally wanna build a herta team hehe. i also still havent built sunday yet... or rappa for that matter. i think one day ill have to sit down and js do allll my grinding lol

also, i havent acc rll touched zzz since i completed the event but ive been feeling and itch to log again so maybe ill do that. im saving to get the vtuber girls and they supposedly are supposed to come out in march SO I REEEEALLY gotta be saving HARD.

also miku in fortnite. i legit downloaded fortnite JUST for miku and am acc lowk thinking abt buying her skin lol. only problem is that both of skins is like 4.6K vbucks and if I were to buy it id need to spend 50$ and i cant rlly afford to do that rn :(

ive also gotten like 10-ish hours into persona 5 :> the point to when your exploring the second castle. :D im reeeeally enjoying the game so far AND I CANT WAIT FOR FUTABA.

game segament done *super cool silly woop woop transition*

this next two weeks i have aaaaall my finals so iv been studying super hard. this friday i have my grade 12 math final exam and omggg im have been studying HARRD. I AM LOCKED IN FRFR. i rlly hope i do well so i atleast wont have to redo the exam when i do the course again :>

also eggrolls (the g u y, refer to past posts lol), COMPLETELY turned away from me when i went to see a friends that has lunch on the same floor w/ him. theres a whole group of ppl there and he eat w/ those ppl since his gf is there. And, my friend wasn't there so i was tryna ask someone ik we she was, and i looked to eggrolls for a minute (HE COMPLETLY avoided me btw) and HIS GF answered saying my friend isnt eating there anymore (or today idk what she said). but either way i found it kinda funny. idk if i mentioned this but i ended up never following him back on his public account, i js thought he didnt deserve it :) also there was a day we were doing some activity in class and he tried asking me for answers, i js pretended i didnt hear him and didnt move (there was also a group around his desk/behind me so it was plausable i didnt hear him) and i feel kinda proud of myself for not budging.

also there was a day during winter break i saw people from my old school when i was out with wifey 2. they were two guys who bullied me and were just assholes to me back in 8th grade. they just made fun of me for watching stuf like gacha and anime (listen i was in a phase back then) and also for wanting to dress more alternativly. acc, everyone in my class would say i was weird cause i wanted to dress differently and less basic (if i may say). that day i was wearing like a SCRUMPTIOUS fit. and after we saw them, i felt so proud of myself for being able to prove them wrong. like it felt so satisfying showing the ppl who put me down for being myself and prove that i executed it SO WELL.

anyways, i believe thats it for now :) i think another life update will have to come after exam unfortuanelty :(\

side note... if anyone actually sees this and reads this its kinda just a public journal :3 i feel i should be documenting more things that happen to me so this is my way of doing so. either way id still appreciate some interaction... i like seein ppl listen to what i havce to say :3

here is a yummy song for chu since you read allllll that :3

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas!!

im gonna rant at you for a bit if you dont mind :)

Im a minor that lives in a super tight night, close minded community. Super religious, super homophobic transphobic ect. Seeing as im a teenage girl whose questioning their gender and is definitely attracted to women thats kinda problematic lols. Honestly idek how to explain the situation without a bunch of details, but basically, theres a fifty-fifty chance of me being sent to conversion therapy or just cut off from any internet access (and i mean ANY. i have a flip phone for fucks sake.)if my fam finds out im queer, i have no support system outside of some internet friends who know nothing about my situation, and within the next few years(so like once i turn 20ish, thats in like 4 years but whatever) my family is going to expect me to get married to a man and start popping out babies asap. Btw thats whats expected of me in this community, marriage under the age of 25, have like as many kids as physically possible and god forbid higher education. And im not okay with that . Ffs i want to go to college, major in fine arts, meet a person i like and fall desperately in love or maybe not just have a bunch of close platonic relationships i want cats and a dog and a cute studio in a big city where i can dye my hair whatever color i want aand get an obsene amount of piercings, i want to wear pants!! I just want to live. Without expectations or limits or people who love me hating everything they dont know about me. Is that truly so much to ask for?

And im incredibly dramatic cuz i literally have the dream life. My family loves me, my parents are upper middle class, theyve never hurt me before(besides for all the anti everything rants haha) i literally have a full sized bed, which for some reason i see as the peak of being spoiled idk why. I go to school, not even public, a private religious school that prob costs thousands of dollars, i have friends(who are all part of this community btw and id bet my entire savings that most of them think gay is only a word that ppl use to mean happy lol) close ones even!! I have adorable neices and nephews(my 3 sisters all were married by the age of 20, so i have 11 niecesand nephews while my oldest sister is 31) im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out. No hope of college to get on my feet and find someway out, no people that'll help me fucking run away or some bullshit like that, hell ive considered it and then felt like shit, cuz what am i even running from? Im probably attracted to men it wont kill me to marry one. And i like kids, i wouldnt mind having any either. But.... i dont want to be trapped anymore. Cuz ill be honest thats what i am.if some one asked me to run away with them rn i would, no hesitation.

God im a mess😭😭 anyway this was me ranting in my notes app, im just apologizing for dumping this on a complete stranger(we're moots actually!!) albeit a very kind one :) i dont know what im looking for, but ill take whatever your comfortable giving ig.

I love and appreciate you<333

And hey this has been oddly cathartic so lmk if its okay for me to do this again sometime :))

"im living the dream life. But i hate it and i have no way out."

Hon, you're not living the dream life...there's a difference between financial privilege and being happy, you know? It's pretty clear that this isn't what you want.

I'm not sure if you're asking for my advice here, or if you just want to vent. But I care about you, and if you want me to research some things to try to help you, I'm more than willing to (that way it's not on your search history.) Just say the word!

Until then, you are ALWAYS allowed to vent to me.

I'm naming you venting anon in case you write again!

[polyamorouspunk]

hii taking you up on your advice offer 😭 ur poly so maybe u have more experience with this than me, how would i break up with my longterm partner?

we’ve been dating for 2 years, it really has seemed perfect but lately idk its just felt wrong. we’ve kinda planned our lives around eachother and moving in together once we graduate, but i cant make myself want to kiss them or be romantic anymore, i dont want to respond to their texts, i get annoyed at them for no reason. they havent done anything wrong theyre wonderful its a “its not you its me” situation to a T.

all of our friends are mutual friends, but most of them were technically my friends first (all the people they used to hang out with sucked) so im scared if we break up they wont have anyone to talk to about it. i really dont want to hurt them.

i honestly might realize this is just me being dumb and all of this will pass and ill want to be with them still once it does, but since i have no clue how id break it off i feel so trapped. i want to know i have a way out if things dont get better, i want to stay with them because i truly changed my mind not because i didnt have a choice.

Not in a poly sense but just a “have had a few relationships” sense I guess I can offer advice.

So I’ve never actually broken up with anyone before, except for the last guy I was messing around with (Catboy) just because as much as I had sooo much feelings for him it was like the most unhealthy “relationship” for me. Like I finally realized like “oh I’m actually NOT better off seeing him, my mental health is ACTUALLY worse” because of his shenanigans.

However, I did have a long term partner who I dated for 6 years who we had plans to move in together and get married etc. same kind of deal, all their friends were my friends. And they dumped me, and yeah, it was really fucking hard even though I knew everyone was going to take my side. And the one person who didn’t I ended up not speaking to anymore because I was like if you’re not going to realize that I’m the only one whose going to keep talking to you because my ex doesn’t give a shit about keeping in contact with people, then that’s on you.

I was devestated. This was like 3 years ago at this point and pretty much right up until about this year I felt like I was somehow “living in the wrong timeline” and like my entire life’s trajectory had been pulled out from underneath me. Not from the breakup so much as them just deciding they never wanted to speak to me again, that I was bad for their mental health, etc. which I always told them if I’m ever bad for your mental health then break up with me, and I meant it and stand by that and their decision, but it still fucking hurt.

Like if that’s what they had to do that’s what they had to do. If that’s what you have to do then that’s what you have to do. While I am of course resentful to my ex, and I hope they get hit by a car or something sometimes, I do stand by their decision that if I wasn’t good for them then I’m happy they left me behind. I don’t know if other people are going to have that same view upon being dumped. I mean like I said I still hate them. But to say that they should have stayed with me for my sake is hypocritical.

Not only that, but an issue of intimacy was occurring between us during the lead-up to the breakup. And as soon as I wasn’t with them anymore and I was able to be with Catboy instead I got a taste of what I had been missing and GOD it felt so good. For the first time ever I felt like someone actually wanted to be intimate with me. It was an amazing feeling. My ex dumping me opened up the door for me to have things I was missing in that relationship. So it wasn’t all bad, for sure.

You have to do what you have to do for yourself. You come first. If you need to break up with your partner, or take space, or whatever, you just have to go for it if you really think it’s what’s best for you.

[griancraft]

Ok as per my last post. This is Long and very much about my feelings so uh don’t read it if you don’t want to. Also I’m aware I sound genujneky crazy for half of this I’m just really really mentally ill in ways I don’t talk about here at all and now I am sharing them and it’s. A little scary but oh well. The system stuff is the stuff I’m most concerned about right now to be honest bc it effects my day to day and if anyone has any kind words or thoughts on what to do I’ll be happy to listen

Please read my previous post if you’re mad /gen I don’t think I say anything bad here but I have really bad morality ocd so like uhm I am scared to post this!!! Prev post

Also I’m very sorry that the prose is terrible to read and my spelling is shit I have dyspraxia which is a coordination thing and it’s worse rn

The maybe I was boring album came on yesterday while I was cleaning and I had to stop what I was doing and turn it off halfway through because I just couldn’t stop hearing an admission. I wasn’t even sad I was just. So done with it. I still am just kinda like. God I hope Shelby is doing ok with all this being public now. I’m glad she was able to heal like she said and I’m glad she made the video dude.

I almost got his lyrics tattooed if that’s testament to how much I loved his early music. It’s not connecting in my brain that this music that’s been apart of my life for like 4 years and helped me through so much was made by an abuser.

But like, in retrospect you can see it. I can’t bear to delete ycgma off my mp3 player bc I related to his songs so much as an abused lonely teenager but I also can’t bare to listen to it. I learned the fall on my guitar as my final exam and I used to repeat his lyrics to myself to cope with abuse and I wish I could still love these songs. I dressed like his dsmp character bc I thought it made me look cool. Which is lame as fuck to admit now lol

Originally I was planning on pirating them and I like, can’t especially after that manipulative ass statement. How much was an act? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m a bad person because I still kinda do want to listen to that music again. I still want to feel that safe but I know I won’t feel that way anymore.

with dsmp stuff I think I’m going to be still able to look back fondly on it generally and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. The community was what made it and the community is what I loved, and i still do. I don’t think I’m going to reblog art of him specifically but if he’s in it I might. Idk. My policy on dream fanart is if he’s not alone in the art and it’s dsmp or mcc related I reblog so I guess I’ll continue that here. Im sorry if that sounds callous I just. Am not prepared to talk about this so I’m going back and forth

And like. We also have a wilbur factive/fictive and we have for years now and nobody in our system knows how to feel about that. He formed to fill the role of a big brother (I was being heavily emotionally neglected at that point and needed someone to be there for me) and protector from my parents abuse. Obviously, he is entirely separate from his source now bc alters change a lot for me but how we picture him is still wilbur. he’s literally just some guy now but grappling with that connection is fucked up dude it’s weird. He’ll probably further distance himself but it still fucking sucks and I don’t know how to communicate the cognitive dissonance we had to push through bc our brain struggled at first to make sense of how this person who we liked so much that he became the template for a Protector to shield us from the emotional neglect and abuse, essentially, is a terrible person. I’m sorry I know people who aren’t systems, and some who are ngl, will find this fuckibg nuts and I get that but we’re a very very internal person like I just. Kinda am with us as a system a lot and nobody else. It feels like my safe space that I’ve created in my head has been marred. Also. uhm. Our alters speak in distinct voices so it’s bad bad for me rn and we are trying to fix it. I know I know fictives and factives arenttheir source but that doesn’t change that it makes me feel gross. I’m rambling rn I’m sorry. Support Shelby.

[writerracha]

OKAY GONNA START SCREAMING

I think wish you back, like volcano, contains a deeper meaning besides missing a lover. THE ENTIRE SONG IS A EUPHEMISM FOR WANTING YOUR OLD/CHILDHOOD SELF BACK SHSHDJDJEK TELL ME IM WRONG

firstly, the chorus. "you were my story" is his younger self, his past self, which is why it's his story - it's his life. he gathers those memories and looks at the photographs of him when he was younger, and cherishes them because he can't go back. he's reminiscing about the past, the good times that he once had, when he had no worries and was happy.

the first verse is even more obvious: maybe he's going through something, or in the process of growing up, he slowly lost the sense of carefreeness and happiness he once had. and it makes him think back to those times when he still had those feelings. he wonders if he'll lose that memory, too. "put your small hands together" is an even more obvious hint that he was a kid then. "in the days when every moment was beautiful and splendid" is EXACTLY the feeling you have as a child where you're not consumed by worries and anxiety. "you were the main character in the movie called me" JUST CONFIRMS IT. because ONLY HIS PAST SELF CAN BE THE MAIN CHARACTER OF HIS MOVIE AHSJEKKEKE

and he says that even if he travels around the world, fill his mind with other thoughts, he can't outrun it, because this feeling is inside of him. he can't escape it.

he wishes his old self back. he's tired of "sitting in a room all day long and turning off the light". he doesn't feel okay, but he knows that he can't go back to the past. you can't rewind time, and even though maybe his past self made a promise to himself to not be defeated, it falls forfeit when he had to say goodbye to his past self as he grew up.

and even though he knows this, he's still holding out for a chance that one day, he can be as happy and carefree as his past self was again. he looks at the picture of his younger self and himself right now, and he wants to be able to see himself smile so brightly again in the mirror. he doesn't want to feel this way anymore. so he holds out hope, and waits.

IDK IT COULD BE A SONG ABOUT A LOVER THAT GOT AWAY OR STH,, but idk the lyrics are kinda way too ambiguous for me to think that way, especially the parts about the main character of his movie ajsjsnsm

OKAY BUT ALSO IF WISH YOU BACK IS ABOUT HIS PAST SELF CLOSE COULD BE ABOUT HIS FUTURE SELF AHSJJSKWKS OK ILL STOP

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE AND I ADORE YOU FOR THIS. I CANT TELL YOU YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!

I absolutely love this analysis. Because I truly believe Jisung is very good at self exploration and introspection HOW CAN HE NOT BE. This man overthinks everything I'm pretty sure about it and his medium is song writing. SO DEFINITELY!!!!!!!! That makes so much sense I don't even know what to tell you except stand up and CLAP

i think all of his songs have double, triple, multiple meaning, it's the beauty of his story telling, he writes about so many things so you can apply it to what speaks to u. that's also just good narrative skills in my opinion. if your story is too obvious it can be good but for me somethng that is open to interpretation is even better, and ji does that so perfectly he understands that i think. or if he doesn't he's just a genius WHICH IS ALSO TRUE

like definitely a past self. his past self. but also his other selves?? all the people he could have been?? and sometimes you change but you want to get that person back??? "the photo engraved in my heart"... i also love how he's able to portray that when we miss someone (or ourselves) it is triggered by things in our day, it doesn't happen in the same manner. it's about being haunted by something but also "you're on my mind MORE TODAY" like. some days you wake up and you're inhabited by something. and that speaks to it SO MUCH. and THE WAY HE SINGS THAT DESPAIR AND FEELING HIS VOICE SENDS ME EVERY GODDAMN TIME THERE'S SO MUCH IN IT AOISFHASF

i also love that he talks about missing something and that it hurts and that we accept this hurt because missing someone also means we care, we love, we are human. and that's so beautiful. THE HUMANITY IN HIS SONGS

I mean I can imagine how someone like Ji could miss previous days... it must be a tough life sometimes, going back to being "carefree" or being "no one"... I get that. That makes me emotional because it's not that he doesn't like his life now, missing our younger self is not about hating our life now, it's just about nostalgia and that's so ok. ANYWAY WOW I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS FOR SO LONG IMMA STOP NOW but thank you for sharing that. truly. i appreciate it so so much, thank you for trusting me with your thoughts

LOTS OF LOVE

(CLOSE NEXT?????)

[houliburns]

🌃 intro post! 🌃

(bit late but i didn’t want a cluttered bio anymore so here’s this)

hiii im shay! i fixated on mash back in november and i officially finished it on march 22nd 2023!! im gonna rewatch soon tho

about this blog

this is a side-blog!

tags: i tag pretty extensively for the sake of categorization; here’s hoping my character tags prove fun to scroll through!

queue: as of the day i’m writing this, i have a very full queue, because i have a habit of liking literally every post i see related to a fixation, and then spam-queuing it later to clean my likes out. so i hope you enjoy all the content! lots of funny scenes and textposts, well-made gifsets, wonderful fanart, and insightful meta, if i do say so myself. mashblr is a talented bunch!

original posts/content: i don’t contribute much on my own, but i love to ramble and i hope some of my lengthy tags prove an interesting or at least entertaining read :) i do dabble in fanfic writing and i’ve got a few mash works in my drafts, but i’m not sure if they’ll ever see the light of day. i’m also fond of meta and character analysis, so if i ever work up the courage maybe ill put out some moderately thought-provoking posts in that realm.

some of my opinions relating to mash characters & ships can be found under the read more!

these are all subjective and i completely respect anyone who disagrees :) we’re all here to have fun!

summarized thoughts on the characters (kinda sorted by fav to least fav)

mulcahy has been driving me bonkers for months (and my jewish ass has been putting far too much thought into catholicism lately bc of him😒)

frank,,,, listen. i’m sorry. but listen, as baffled and/or disgusted as you are, i’m the mf stuck being the only one in this entire fandom who flails over frank burns. so how do you think i feel. ik he’s absolutely awful, but he’s just so damn pathetic, i can’t help but like him and find him fascinating

radar is a bubby to me, i dont rlly have complex thoughts on him hes kinda just a comfort character to me n ilhsm

charles... he snuck up on me. i didnt expect to like him, much less relate to him (-_-) i just exposed myself as a charles winchester kinnie how will my reputation recover

i love hawkeye a lot, as we all do <3

i love trapper john mcintyre!!!!!!!!!!

i love margaret!!! i love klinger!!! i love henry!!! 

im pretty neutral on potter and bj

in short: i love them all a lot but mulcahy and frank have each driven me particularly mad in different ways and radar with his animals has made me cry and charles would probably drive me nuts if i let him but i am keeping him at arm’s length.

summarized thoughts on ships (again, strongest first)

(yes i have frank ships. no i am not proud of it)

my mash otp is hawkahy. it’s been slowly draining the remainder of my sanity. i havent slept in months. send help

i am a sucker for enemies/rivals to lovers and hawnk kinda makes me a little nuts.

i know he’s not good for her but i think margaret x frank have a rlly interesting relationship and they can be cute sometimes, and i think about them more than i’d like to admit. i am not immune to het ships consisting of badass women with control issues and their toxic pathetic purse-dog boyfriends.

henry x klinger is literally canon idc

pierceintyre... ;-; hh

i love semi-niche trapper ships. trapcahy is a little bit 👀 and i really like trapper x margaret

hawkeye x henry... shh...

bonus trios i think about sometimes😳: hawkeye x margaret x frank, margaret x frank x flagg (SHH), hawkeye x trapper x mulcahy. do u see my evil vision

aaand some platonic dynamics i particularly enjoy

mulcahy & klinger are besties :)

mulcahy & margaret have a sibling dynamic that i absolutely adore, esp in the potter seasons, particularly the later ones.

charles & margaret are a fun duo. the ship tease they did a little was... idk how to feel about it, but i like them as buddies.

margaret & klinger... the girlies

hawkeye & klinger!!! the el jibbities are flocking together..

hawkeye & margaret :)

i do very much enjoy hawkeye & bj’s friendship

not friendship but charles & mulcahy’s animosity is sooo funny i will never tire of it

notps: klinger x charles, and hunnihawk. do not doxx me.

i think thats all for now. enjoy my nonsense!

.mobile header credit.

.desktop theme sidebar credit.

[flowersbark]

I'm glad my question brightened your day! You deserve it! Another question: any general life updates, since you said you wanted to not talk about your CSA as much? (Which, I'm so happy about your progress! Hope to see more in the future for you!)

AGAIN TY SO MUCH😭😭 word vomit under cut again..

general life updates!!

- back in therapy! lowkey kinda hate my therapist for how she treats me and my mental problems but whatever. she also like told my mom something apparently which made her get super pissed off at me and hit me but wtv.

- back with my boyfriend!! i had a few posts back in july about my breakup and i mentioned being in a polycule iirc. the third person fucking sucked and was only with me for my looks and to be with my boyfriend. doesny matter anymore though cause me n my bf both hate him and we're better off <3

- i think i mightve also posted about my fp who in tags i might've referred to dboy? uhh i split on him a lot and a lot of things have happened and i cant tell if im still split on him or i jusy hate him now idk!

other than .. that and dealing with ongoing issues i have (mental illness, possible autism, grieving, etc) been doing pretty good rn! ive been focusing a lot on music and getting better at piano, im pretty involved in my school and academic competitions and things like that!

AGAIN TY SO MICH FOR THE ASKS💗💗 its so crazy that like.. you actually wanna know what's going on og :( 💗 ily anon