#im just trying to tell myself that ... maybe this will inspire me to set boundaries too

[theloveinc]

I’m ready to throat punch your therapist >:( there’s always a way to say something to somebody and deliver an impactful message while being mindful of your delivery you know???? I hope you take some time to relax after that <3

booie :( i'd never ask u to face that man!!!! get bakugo to do it for you

i'd like to think so too, but as he so often quotes to me, someone who doesn't respect your boundaries isn't your friend anyway. and you are, so that's what matters to me.

but don't worry, i'm about to eat my yummy spaghetti leftovers and watch coraline, so i think i'll be good soon. i love u💙

[ladyxxdaydream]

Of course feel free to ignore this if its stepping boundaries. And if it is im sorry!! Im processing heartbreak of my own (3 years and it ended abruptly last summer) so I feel for you when you talk about yours (though I know yours was longer, im sorry). I actually found NATA a bit after and it seriously helped me through some of the toughest times, I kid you not. And then I'll Fall did as well and then all your others lol. And through falling in love with them I fell back into this fandom and back in love with writing and back in love with loving, honestly?? Despite the pain, those stories kinda made me a romantic lol. I was so hurt (still hurt) but I dunno.. they helped me really wanna do better, get better, strive for more. They helped me not give up on love and not close myself off which I always used to do. Ahh I dunno, I just wanted to let you know that your work has been a big comfort to me. And again if I overstepped, im really sorry!

I read this hours ago, and then re-read it several times, and then sent it to two of my friends, all while crying. I am so, so touched. this is probably one of the sweetest, most amazing things anyone has ever said to me.

i’m going to put the rest of my response under a cut because its gonna be long and your vulnerability is something i want to meet equally.

listen. when i first read this... i wanted to be bitter. bitter because I’ll Fall and NATA are directly influenced by my eight marriage that just ended; those are the only two fics I’ve written that are connected to my relationship, and ironically (or maybe not lol) my most popular and well loved stories. I’ll Fall is the story of how my partner and I met -- some of those scenes are directly lifted from my life -- and so much of myself and my wife are written inside Iruka and Kakashi in NATA, chronicling how our relationship grew over time. Of course, those stories are heavily embellished and transformed into a plot but my point is... reading that they helped you not give up and love, both broke my heart and healed me all at once.

I remember when my relationship ended, NATA was not yet complete, and I had this horrible moment where I thought: “if the seed that directly inspired them ended, then they also need to end.” I LITERALLY CONTEMPLATED DIVORCING THEM. But I am not a horrible person lmaoooo and of course they are a completely different entity than my marriage -- they were inspired by each other, not one in the same.

Even though that was my first reaction to your ask, it quickly faded away. Because... I find it absolutely beautiful and so incredible that my stories made you not give up on love, and to not close yourself off, and help you move on or let go. Because while my love (and your love) ended... it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. It existed. It was real. And it was beautiful. And then it ended. And that’s okay. Love isn’t finite. And it comes in so many forms. And every variation of it is unique and special. Love will come again. It’ll come many times. Even if it’s not in the form of a person--love is everywhere, and everything.

And you know, writing that final chapter for NATA, a few months after my break up, was actually cathartic. I thought it would feel like a lie, but it didn’t. Writing them reminded me of how beautiful love can be, and I’m really grateful for it. I, too, learned a lot from them. They also served as my coping mechanism so to speak, providing me comfort and security. And I am beyond humbled and thrilled to know it served someone else in the same way.

It’s still hard for me to even comprehend, to be honest; the fact that those two fics inspire such emotional responses from people. But I think the reason people have responded to NATA and I’ll Fall so strongly, is because I laid myself bare. All my vulnerabilities and insecurities, and flaws, and heartbreak (in i’ll fall) are written all over it, as well as my experiences with love, which i’ve been blessed with richly, despite what may have happened. People always say to write what you know, and I guess I took that very literally lmao

anyway. i hope things get easier for you, if they haven’t already. i’m... five months? post-separation and still very much raw. and i gotta say... experiencing a break up during the pandemic is extra hard and weird. our friends cant hold us while we cry. we cant go out dancing or to a bar or do anything even remotely social that might help us ease us down that river of moving on, or give us that feeling of being newly single? idk?  it makes an isolating experience even MORE isolating. and has made the finality seem less real somehow? like ... sometimes i feel like im just waiting to get back together... even though i know thats not going to happen... i dont know if thats just my experience but...fuck.

i think my only advice is just... let yourself feel it. my biggest tool is meditation and trying to stay present. my favorite set of mantras recently is very simple -- each word corresponds with an inhale / exhale:

in/out

deep/slow

calm/ease

smile/release

present moment/wonderful moment.

And this quote by Louise Erdich:

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”   

And this poem by Buddy Wakefield, which might seem like an odd thing to watch while heartbroken but shrug??? lmao it’s a tear-jerking but also a real honest show of love at it’s finest.

And music. Music has always been a balm for my soul. Or cracked me open. Sometimes I need to be cracked open. Crying is the best medicine.

Suit of Armor by Danika Smith

going thru by christian alexander

holy by jamila woods

chin up by yoke lore

conversation by lucy rose

plus a zillion more.

ANYWAY, anon. I’m here for you. And my stories will always be there for you, whenever you need them. 💖 sending all of my love!!!!!!!

[bogkeep]

hi i saw your post abt self harm on the internet and i was wondering if you could expand on that!! im not sure i get entirely your point or what you would consider discourse in in regards to that and id genuinely like to understand what u mean because im not sure im looking at this through the right lense

okay, i’m going to make an attempt! i can tell from the tags people write that a lot of people relate or understand what i mean, but if you don’t? that’s okay, and maybe good even, especially if it means you’re taking good care of yourself.

so what i mean is like… when you do something; when you open a social media site or look something up, what will you get out of it? what’s the input going to your head and heart? how will it make you feel? and this isn’t a rhetoric question like “obviously it will make you feel bad” because there’s a lot of good things on the internet - interacting with friends and acquaintances, learning things and sharing perspectives, looking at art and getting inspired, looking at cute cat pictures, etc. we have so much information and media at our fingertips’ reach!! and it’s a double edged sword. because you can like inject all these good things directly into your brain, but you can ALSO inject a lot of bad things into your brain, too. like it’s really easy to look up things that trigger you in any way, and sometimes you might not even know something is triggering you. i don’t know if you’ve ever had that like, curiousity to check something out that you’re better off not knowing, but you do it anyway, because you CAN so why NOT. because we can!!! we can access everything so easily!! like people twenty years ago could not look up their exes on five different social medias and keep up with their lives. it’s wild how we can know what’s happening basically all over the world pretty much the instance it happens. having to care about the fate of the entire world is some superhero angst shit. you’re just one person and you’re alive and you’re going to like, be here for a while, so please take some deep breaths ya feel. but also the world is in a pretty dreary state right now so like. it’s rough. it really is!

and i’m not saying we should all avoid everything that hurts us all the time and put ourselves in bubbles or anything. hurt is gonna happen. the world is gonna be rough. but also, set boundaries for yourself. DON’T look up your exes. you don’t HAVE to know all the news constantly, and you’re not a bad person for taking a break to live your life. if you struggle with body image, looking at heavily curated and edited instagram selfies and comparing yourself to it is really just hurting yourself over and over. so i am specifically talking about the boundaries you hold to *yourself*. just because we CAN do anything and keep up with everything, it’s not…. a good thing to do. there’s just TOO much. a lot of the time i hear people condemn entire sites like twitter or tumblr for being toxic cesspools where only X and Y happens, and like, yeah, some of these criticisms are valid, but it’s also ENTIRELY possible to curate your internet experience. unfollow blogs that stress you out or circulate content or comments you find toxic or don’t like the attitude of. blacklist tags. etc. it’s easy to feel like there’s only this or that kind of blogs out there, but that’s not true. the internet is so full of different people, and there’s bound to be content out there that will make you happier if you need it.

so, in regards to discourse, i’m not referring to a certain discourse - i’ve been on tumblr for what, six years now? discussions come and go, and a lot of the time there’s been a lot of genuinely constructive conversations and discussions! but a lot of discussions out here seem to evolve into something much less constructive. some discussions just don’t GO anywhere, neither side actually wants to listen or change their opinion, people forget there’s another human being on the other side, and it’s just… at some point it’s like people forget what they’re trying to ACHIEVE by doing what they’re doing. some people are just taking out their anger and frustration on the internet. there’s a lot of infighting between marginalized groups - especially the lgbtq+ community, because we’re all hurting and scared and have so many life experiences from all around the world, a lot of us are really young, and it’s. it’s hard! it’s so hard sometimes. and the thing is, a lot of the discourse on internet becomes like, layers upon layers, and what makes sense when you’re on five layers on tumblr is NOT necessarily applicable in real life. sometimes it like… becomes the equivalent of an academic text where you have to go through an education to even understand the terms that are being used. like, personally? sometimes i see discussions i don’t have the heart to partake in myself anymore, and i don’t understand what’s being said at all. and honestly that’s such a relief to me. that’s not to say partaking in discussions is inherently bad! it can be really good! but for me, i can’t do it anymore. my personal experience was trying to act in good faith and be open to learn and change and i kept replying to someone who refused to listen to anything i said, and instead kept attacking me. it was like repeatedly flinging myself against a wall. the impulse to have a constructive discussion with everyone who disagrees with me on my own post is *there*, but it’s not worth it for me, because the stress and time and energy i inflict on myself for the sake of a complete stranger who does NOT have my best interests at heart…. yeah. no. consider if you *really* need to die on that hill. it’s okay to walk away.i don’t know if this will help or if it’s still too nebulous. it’s mostly about what choices you make and considering what you’re trying to achieve, and whether your actions are actually reflecting that, or if you’re just causing yourself pain and frustration. the concept of emotional self harm (especially through internet) has been put forth by several people, but some sources that have like, helped me formulate this whole thing has been- contrapoints video about incels - the podcast ‘just break up’- the podcast ‘conversations with people who hate me’

[thehappymessproject]

81/100 - Giving ourselves focus and love by choosing one word for the year

This is very exciting for me to write about : I’ve never really done it. 

A little bit more than five years ago, I just had discovered the incredible work of Dr. Brene Brown on vulnerability and courage, and it simply blew my mind. I felt like I was reading about one of the most important things I could ever educate myself on. 

The books and her TED talks already had changed my daily life in subtle touches, but I wanted more. I also knew I needed more. I was afraid to forget about it in the next few months and hated the thought. So, I took some time to reflect, and over a couple of weeks, came to a big decision (especially for me who used to be commitment phobic in so many ways).

I would spend a year learning courage.

It became one of the most exciting years of my life. For me, learning how to be brave was essentially about saying yes to a lot of things I would have usually say no to out of fear, and no to a lot of things that would bring me comfort in the moment, but preventing me to do things that really mattered to me in the long run. 

I tried out a lot of activities I had never tried, but felt curious about like climbing, sewing, baking pastries... 

I paid a lot of attention to those moments where I would feel afraid, ashamed or uncomfortable, and pushed myself to be brave in my way of dealing with them. 

Choosing to tell a friend that I was feeling hurt and set a boundary rather than silencing myself in hope it doesn’t happen anymore. 

When really down, channelling more energy to do anything that would bring myself self-loving comfort rather numbing comfort. 

Breaking off relationships that felt depleting to me.

It was a tiring year, sure. But it was also one of the most empowering ones. Each time I would choose the brave path instead of the comfortable one, I would feel stronger and more centred. Embodying the experience of bravery, training those courage muscles. 

I realised at the end of the year, when I was feeling really sad about seeing what I called my brave year coming to a year, that I didn’t want to give it up, but I also didn’t want to repeat it as is either. I also noticed that overall, being brave for me had a lot to do with exploring my creativity. 

So I decided to make the next year my creative year. I had so much fun! 

I started taking way more photos, tried to learn guitar and piano for a while, spent a few months sewing like a crazy person, I wrote more that year than in the decade before, and towards the third trimester of my year devoted to creativity, started to paint with watercolours and do the lettering you can now see on my artsy Instagram account. 

Both activities were those bringing me the most joy while allowing me to let my guard down : when painting, I was less attacked by the voices in my head trying to bring me down and discourage me. (ah, the joy of defence mechanisms bullying us...) I was finding more easily ways to bypass them than in any other setting. 

I noticed that creating (and doing anything that mattered to me in my life) was only possible for me when I would take good care of myself. When I would commit to loving myself everyday by showing up. But self-care was so hard for me... 

So... Yeah you guessed it, I took my practice to a new ground by declaring the following year my self-care year. 

I had just discovered the existence of the Find what feels good channel on Youtube a few weeks before, I had ended my creative year with The artist’s way, a 8 weeks program using Julia Cameron’s wonderful book to discover or recover our inner artist, which had taught me how to journal in a way that would connect myself to my heart better than ever. And I had dabbled for a few years on and off with meditation. I had all the tools lying before me already. 

As often when we live an intentional life, the Universe (or call it luck if you’re more comfortable) was helping in subtle ways that can only be noticed when we pay attention to the opportunities we are presented with, and allow ourselves to take them. 

So I did just that. I finally found the courage to take better care of myself and making it a priority. That year was full of softness and whole heartedness. It felt like discovering the essence of who I was. 

Since I was struggling with commitment (still), I focused on one self-loving activity at the time. A few weeks mostly meditating. A few weeks mostly doing yoga. A few weeks getting back to journaling. I thought I could choose which activity I would keep, but realised they all were giving me so much, and yet so differently that I wanted to keep them all. 

I would still create more and more, and take my work as a psychologist to another level, and was struggling to make everything fit in my daily time. Now that I knew better what kind of life I wanted, I felt stuck at making it work as a whole.

So I dedicated last year to finding Balance. I loved it so much. It was like deepening everything I had built in the previous three years. The courage, the creative energy and the love. 

It taught me how to be more flexible and finding way to make things stick, one step at a time, one day at a time and to honour my pace. I set up a few challenges to help on the way. Strengthened my morning routine that felt easier and more necessary than an evening one (currently working on that). 

I explored how my love for art, psychology and writing could be intertwined. It felt like coming home to myself. 

This “year” actually took a little bit more time. I used to choose my word of the year at the end of summer. But last September, I felt stuck. I had just moved to the other side of the globe (another marvellous consequence of all that personal inner journey), felt completely thrown out of balance and quite depleted. 

Then, a few weeks ago, after a few months finding my footing back, it was suddenly obvious. What I struggled with and had to practice the most lately was letting go : finding ways to trust myself, my intuition and the process. I’d say in short : trusting the universe and finding the flow. 

So this year will be my year of flow.

I started by deciding that my practice could now fit better at the beginning of the year rather the school year, the end of the year being a perfect time to reflect and gather our bearings, taking stock. 

When I’m down, finding flow is about giving myself the time and space necessary to heal, letting go of the shoulds and musts. 

When I’m really happy, it’s more about finding pace, not over doing it. 

It is already teaching me how to let go of things, people and spaces that were really important at a time, but became depleting over time. I have never ever felt as free and can’t wait to see more of what this year is going to teach me. 

Choosing one word to devote every year to has with no doubt changed my whole life from the inside out. Like a soothing lighthouse in the dark, it gives me a focus point to always rely on. 

I am never feeling like time passed by without my awareness anymore, being intentional makes time pass more slowly and mindfully. It is helping me to remind myself over and over what is important, and what gets in the way and distract me. It is teaching me more about myself than I ever felt possible. It is allowing me to create the life I really want. 

If reading that essay inspired you to find your own word, I would love nothing more than to know which one you chose and maybe why f you would feel comfortable sharing. 

Here are a few questions that can help to start : What are you feeling like you lack of? What would your ideal 2019 be devoted to? What is preventing you from living your best life right now?

Write your answers down and any word that come up too : it will help you a lot to make it real, tangible. The right one for you will spark something in your body when you write it or if you start making art around it. Let yourself feel it, and trust it. Your heart knows.

See you soon,  Love,  L. 

[22azania2]

What is life to me ?

The polarity of things creates new scales of balance and ideas. To every concept exist it's contrary; hot and cold, fragile and strong, black or white. All those concepts have a contrary whit whom it is often attached to but can also live without. 

When you think about life, it can be seen as plural experience like it can be seen as an individual one and as human being we have the chance to see both side of it. We all know the objective truth about life. The objectif troth as to What is life really ? 

The real truth is that life objectively is 'the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.'. Simply, the objective truth, the 'real' truth about life is that it s a place for growth, renewal, time period between birth and death. Life, is also associated to the body, as earthlings, life shows through our body, and this concept only could be another subject but this really only a mental note; back to our subject. Life shows through our body, without body in this 3D experience we are not seen as 'alive', we are 'lifeless' as I may say. 

This is what life is on the logical scale, for the real truth matter. But, if you ask someone in the streets what life is changes are that you will come across a bunch of different ideas and conception about what life is. People always add extra adjective to what life is, a great and good life, an healthy beautiful and wealthy life, a wonderful life. And to each adjectives comes a different meaning for each, people will say. I believe that as people 'living', or more like : navigating in a capitalist society,  living a 'ameliorative adjective' life is living comfortably, without money problems and healthily. Obviously the scale of money income can change but overall thats the idea. But see, there's so much different aspects within different aspect on what life can mean to one, this is were the line between objective matter and subjective matter, 'real' truth and subjective truth. What life is to one might not be the same for another one and the beautiful truth -may be untrue- is that, the only one who can make it true is you. The subjective matter of life is shown through you, all the individual lifetimes creates an other definition of what life is, theres no right there is no wrongs to subjectif truth and it is especially true when it comes to what life is to you.

I've gained knowledge on many aspect of life, from energy fields to relationship, to the main aspect of it which is myself I've always missed one point, and, although im trying not to overwhelmed my self with new informations on those various subjects, I've always found myself looking for the missing piece in other people story and timelines : what is life ? And not on a objective matter, but What is life to me ?

As crazy as it may seen I've never went deeply into myself to know what the fuck life is to me. I was never getting stuck into knowing that but I just never really tried to know, and to me, in my personal journey it is one of the most if not the most important question to ask to myself. 

I found that I often, like most humans I believe, am not confortable in the unknown. Not knowing is such a scary things; starting project without knowing if its going to work, starting a new dish with the incertitude that it might taste good, see failure and un-achievement take a big place in my life. Life itself doesn't require any questions around if you are going to make it or not, objectively it doesn’t even matter. Life already has a meaning for itself so I shouldn't be scared to add some flavor to it. Lastly, my life would always be infused and inspired by other people lifes and that's were you see how collapses realities act and what they can do on one person. Here's a little entry to my head. 

Disclaimer : ideas will not always be 100% clear as Im going to put myself in a state of extreme rawness it is more of tool for me to know really what life is to me, it's a genuine questioning time that I just tried to compact in here. 

As I already pointed out, as we live in a capitalist society our way of thinking will always flow with the capitalist view. As detached as you are from it -and lets be honest not everyone has the privilege to completely disidentify with it-, you will always feel a certain attach to your capitalist ways, and one main reason is : money matters. This may be seen as a subjective matter, but it is my matter. Some people will tell you that you don't need money to be happy, to me, this is only bulshit... I do strongly and oh my goodness my needs think like me that money is important. However, I distinguish the need of money with need of peace of mind, because I can. Therefore I don't want to identify 'making it' in life with money as the main center. Making it to me looks like me being older and having done as much things as I wanted to do throughout my life time. Making it will always have different meaning. In the smaller scales, I already made it. I had goals for myself, younger about ascending, which I did, and I came to the understanding that life was made of healing, constant healing. Today I have different goals for myself, I have different needs etc. I also learned that I shouldn't live up to the perfect idea of what making it is to me. I don't want to put boundaries in making it, I want to create my own recipe for each sauce in order to make it. Im not scared of failings and changing fields, trying new things. Obviously there some areas where I'd really like to make it but that's the reason I know that when you program your mind into one goal it doesn't let go, at least for me. I don't want to put limits to my life, to my experiences and everything. Because we live in such a vast universe and with my believes, -which are in reality felt by many others just not articulated the same way-, life is unpredictable. So why should i put limitations to it or only certain goals and not seeing all the other things possible ? And im not saying that because I really feel like I will never be in the same field my whole life, well, maybe thats the main reason why I think like that... At the end of the day it is my story and I like to call myself an experimentalist. Im always in for a new ride a new experience it is what makes me feel alive. It is why I love to create so much because it provides a new experience, why I love to connect so much again it creates new experiences. Experiences might be the core of my life, what keeps me feeling alive. Because as I explained in the beginning, life in it's objective matter is the place for growth and a body living because of it's heart beating, but what keeps you alive is different, and this were comes the subjective matter. This matter, helped creating religion and spiritual belief because the consciousness doesn't identify with its living body because it knows that it's still alive without it, the consciousness lives through thinking and peeling the reasons why its here and many spiritualist showed that it actually only needed to be in the present moment. So as im writing that im sensing that having a goal is a really ego way of seeing life. I gave my honest and pretty materiatistic definition of life, because, ego is part of me and I don't want to get rid of it entirely because what would be the point of entirely putting aside a part of myself -again could be an interesting aspect to discuss on-. That is another reason why I will not beat myself up because I 'did not take it' only because it is my story and im sticking to it.-hopefully you listened to sza's album CTRL-

Therefore, I still havent gave a 'true' definition on what life is to me. Well, it is only a game. At a certain point of my life I even felt like it was a simulation but I quickly came to realization that this belief was not meant for me. I'd rather see it as a game. I play, you play, we all play. Using the word 'play' also puts everything in perspective and it helps detaching from the matter of life. As a privileged person, saying that life is a game gives it a lighter dimension, it makes things less serious and harsh, cause life be damn harsh. I understand that if I play, others do to so I might as well play to my fullest and certainly play to please myself. I also see life as the fourth elements, I recognize that the four elements, air, water, earth and fire, are the pin-points of the Man kind experience. I had an awakening on those elements and what they represent in my life or should I say in my experience of life. These elements are obviously important in physical matter as they also are in mind matter. Just like christians with transubstantiation, I see those physical matter transform into mind matter, lecons or even traits of personality for some (blame it on astrology). Without elements there is no life, no human life, no plants, no animals no nothing. Nature, is a unconditional source of learning, physical and mentally. 

I think, for now, my idea of life is to just do it, to stop chasing the dream and to stop limiting myself but rather to act and live the dream. Life is what was offered to me before all the Man creation, Life is in me, through me and around me.It was important to me to find a definition for myself because I'm all about knowing how to navigate through certain wave, and if I don't know what wave life is to me I might drawn. And although drawing would most likely happen because my mind is constantly changing, I needed a structured self explanation to know where I am physically. We all know where we are, right now im in my bedroom, in my bed for more details, but I didn't know and feel really where I was in terms of space. In which picture do I want to set myself ? In which movie do I feel more confortable playing ? Those are the questions I think I answered and I think everyone should answer -to this questions and or more questions that come to mind because at the end it is your life- because we live in a world were everyone has expectations  but most of the people don't even know where they are, people are lost and losing there ground that is there life.  I don't think you should stay in a shell and hide yourself from the world even if you have the opportunity to, unless you really want to. I just think that your reality should be your main priority. There is no picture perfect life obviously but you have the choice to make it something that is yours. Create your reality. Obviously, with social medias, friends, family members and every other big institutions like church, school, work etc it is hard to own your reality. That is the reason why you should always hang around people who inspires you to live in your reality and respects it, not everyone will because your reality comes from a subjective matter. Own your reality in ways that it helps you grow and flowing in the wave of life, but, don't own it with the ego, own it for yourself and for no one else. If it ends up resonating with other people realities it is beautiful if not its okay. But don't surround yourself with people who take you out of your ground and directly your grind; because its when you know in which game you want to play that you start making decision towards it. 

[eno-o-ugh]

Questions to ask for 2020

Dear E,

HelloOoOo, its been awhile i havent do any posting here. So, just few days ago i found this set of interesting questions to ask for 2019 & 2020 but it actually quite drives me to think more towards 2020. I wanted to put it here just for fun or for my own reading in near future. Kaja! 🤩😎😏

What was one of the moments you were most proud of this year? What does that tell you about what you want to spend your energy/time/money on next year?

One of the moments is where i find myself struggling with my issue and heartbreak, but i still manage to give myself away as much as i can for people around me without mentioning about the war inside of me. Tbh, i never regret it. I still wanna be able to pour out my energy and time for people who need it because somehow it helps me too.

When were you genuinely surprised this last year?

Im genuinely surprised when Farah got engaged early January and decides to get married after raya. Because by that time i realized something which is, “This is it! Im at that phase of my life where everyone at my age will start to carry huge different commitments/responsible in their lives. And i will too” But then, one by one of my friends got engaged/married and im no longer surprised hahhaha.  

What was your best failure this year? (i.e. what thing that didn’t go well eventually taught you something critical?)

I can say that my best failure is when i dont meet their expectations of me. Like when they thought i would feel sad/pity for some issues but i didnt. Like when they thought of how my mind works/thinks in certain way but its not. No one can actually explain my thoughts/actions well. I wanted to say that they always misunderstood me, but i end up saying nothing to them and let it be. Because it is a waste of time to ever explain myself.    

What was your most overrated success? (i.e. something you thought would feel great that was sort of a let down?)

Most overrated success is when i first rent a room and live on my own. Ya, its most overrated because everyone else did it better than me and earlier than me lol. 

Who really enriched your life this year in a big way? Who is someone you want to get to know better in the year ahead?

Person who really enriched my life last year is Fatna. I can literally talk about anything with her. Good or bad. Happy or sad. Anger or disappointment. Excited or confused. Health or wealth. In seriousness or trivial. Like you can name it, anything. All of the words that come from her always knocked me to reality, gave me something to ponder upon and so solid to be ignored just like that. And for that, im so grateful to have her last year. Someone that i want to get to know better is the one that has strong soul to overcome anything on their freaking own. 

What community are you a part of right now that you find most nourishing? What kind of community are you craving?

Im in a community where everyone is struggling/surviving/working to support their lives. Some even did part time jobs to gain side income. Its probably because they have certain goals set to be achieved. Maybe to get married or they will have children or maybe just simply to support their luxury lifestyle. Its not that nourishing, but some sort of intriguing perhaps. I cant wait to be in a community that always giving/lifting/sharing with others. But right now, i understood when everyone need to be selfish and put themselves first. I hope later on everyone will come to realization that there is no use to be selfish.  

What goals—personal or professional—are you releasing in 2020?

Personal; To increase knowledge and understanding of Islam and practicing it better. Professional; To make a change in my job/add something new. 

Who did you feel most jealous of this year? What is that person up to that you want to bring more of into your own life?

On instagram, i started following artist (women) that already fully cover their aurat and have family of their own. I guess im jealous of them. Being able to be a better muslimah which is better than their previous self, a devoted wife and mother. I guess im longing for that feeling to be one of them. I’ll try my best, to practice goodness in my inner self first.   

Where and with whom were you most resentful in 2019? How can you get straight about your own needs and articulate them so you can stop feeling that shit in 2020?

Tbh, ive already make peace with it and try to forget it. But in this case, it just the matter of answering this question okie? I felt most resentful with my friends whom befriend my ex and also befriend my ex’s new girlfriend. Because they all knew it all along but no one, not even a single one of them be upfront with me and tell the truth about it. Everything just sort of unfolds by itself. Better yet, they really showed me who they truly are. It makes me wonder, whats the use of having friends who wouldnt dare to tell me the truth that i need? The way how to stop feeling that shit is to be neutral with them. Im not going to be so close yet not so distant with them anymore. I knew the boundaries better these days.   

What piece of art, movie, or book really inspired you this year?

Art; . Music; Stone // Alessia Cara. Movie; Toy Story 4. Book; The Art of Letting God

What conversation was most memorable in 2019? What made it stick with you so powerfully?

Every deep conversation that i had with my girls (Sheera, Farah, Fatna, Zatie, Zila, Aida) are so so memorable and powerful. Every. Single. One. It could be because im at my lowest of low and i took every word from them personally. I couldnt thank them enough for always listening to my rants and always try their hardest to come up with something to say when its already good enough for them to hear me out. 

If you had to articulate a mantra for 2020, what would it be?

Whatever that had happen and will happen, youve got yourself and Allah all along for better or worse.

When were you most physically joyful in 2019? How can you get there more in 2020?

I find myself physically joyful when it all in balance. Like the amount of time spent with family/friends are equal with time spent alone. I personally like that part of my life so muchhh. I guess by knowing what worth my time is how i’ll get more joy and satisfaction in 2020.

What is one question that you found yourself asking over and over again this year? What version of an answer are you living your way into?

Tbh, theres a lot of open ended questions. But none of it is repeated. I always try my hardest to control my thoughts and its not easy, i swear. But its something i need to keep doing to prevent myself from overthinking/overanalyzing every single thing especially when i know im that type of person. I have only one chance of life, and i know im not going to let myself imagine the variety versions of how my life could be. So, im just keep doing and keep going. Nothing else.   

What was the most sacred experience you had in the last decade?

Many. I could cry if i need to tell all of the story. But one of it is when i joined Farah for the usrah session at her in-law’s. During that time, i felt at utmost peace and calm being surrounded by so much purer and beautiful souls. I feel so small. I can feel my heart being the softest its ever been. I always almost cry when they read the hadith/quran translation/during halaqah/during tazkirah. I pray i get to experience it a lot more this year and spend my tears for matter like these.   

What makes you despair and what gives you hope right now?

People. Theres different type of people with different kind of character. And i will never know what their intentions in my life are whether its bad or good. But bad people will always make me despair and good people will keep on give me hope.  

[castawxayaway]

half hearted

well, hello. it has been an embarrassingly long time and well, i can explain (kind of). i was sent lots of requests, which was wonderful don’t get me wrong! as I was writing I realised it wasn’t great, and my spark was not as it always is. so, I took a break. i went to reading festival (saw bas and that just made me alive again) my creativity is back, inspiration is blooming and im in a good space. 

thank you for the unbelievable patience, this is the start of a requested piece from an anon, i have two more requests after this. then I will continue this one along with another piece I wrote a few weeks ago. 

i hope you enjoy and that you’re doing well. if you ever want to talk, my messages are open or send an anon, i love talking to you all as you guys are wonderful :)

collection of my writing /  two /  three / four / five / six / seven (last)

At some stage in life everyone meets someone online, in most cases they fizzle out after a few months, or you can easily lose touch with that person, but not with Dan. It’s weird when I think back to a time when we didn’t talk everyday, when he didn’t ask how I was after a lecture or how he was after some rehearsals. I have had friends online, they come, they go. My friends have tried online dating, but nothing sincere developed, but with Dan it feels genuine- despite the fact that we have never met, and I do not know his last name.  

It can be alarming for some to hear of such a tightly knitted friendship that only occurs through messages and phone calls. We just power through the times when we are in different timezones, when he is travelling for his music. Between the two of us there have been so many lows and highs, but we balance each other out, that’s what makes it work. 

A whole year of being friends, a whole year and we still haven’t been able to meet. The main issue is time, and our personal schedules always clash. I could be at home, and he could be in Spain doing a show. Or he could have the day off and I’d be in lectures all day long. Sometimes I think it’s pointless hoping to meet him, to actually see the person I’ve been talking to despite others worries about the mysterious stranger I’ve never met. 

Dan is sweet, he is caring unlike others I’ve met in person. There is no need to have a filter with him, we can simply talk about life, about anything and we aren’t worried about what the other would think. Talking to him is an open book, you’ll never know what you’ll see, but sometimes I wish we could talk, face to face. 

“Will you ever meet this ‘Dan’.” Turning to face my friend she used air quotes for his name, she’s never been able to fathom the concept and how I am perfectly fine opening up to someone I don’t know who merely claims to be in a band and tours all over the world. “I mean, it’s been a year and you’ve never even skyped or FaceTimed, what if he’s a creep. Or a pervert, or-”

Standing still I just groan loudly, “You’ve made your point.” I simply state and she just places her hands on her hips, clearly unamused. “I don’t know when, but it’ll happen, so stop badgering me.” We leave it at that, she knows it’s a difficult subject as Dan is partially one of the reasons why me and my ex boyfriend broke up. 

Dylan and I were in a rough place, neither of wanted to admit it so we just kept it quiet. The more I started to talk to Dan on a daily basis, the more irritated he got and started to get mad at me for speaking to another guy. Yet, in a matter of weeks I had found out he’d been cheating on me with numerous girls in his degree which quickly ended our relationship. During this time I talked to Dan like there was not a single issue, I never mentioned Dylan to him, it’s like he never existed. 

As we walk back to our flat I hear my phone go off, immediately I pick it up from my pocket and smile at the message. “I’ll leave you two to chat then.” She winks to me before she goes back into her own room, leaving me in our hallway. 

‘how’re you today?’

‘been better, my friends keep asking about you so nothing new’ 

‘what’re they asking?’

‘oh the usual, if you’re a creep or a catfish’

‘right’

‘it’s only because we’ve never met, they are only looking out for me, don’t dwell on it Dan. so, how’s rehearsals?’ 

I wanted the conversation to quickly move on, so I went into my room and lie on my bed. Whilst I wait for a response I can see the sun setting through the apartment blocks, how it peaks and glares on the glass that covers over a third of the brick work. Sometimes I wish I could be with him to witness these kind of sunsets, the ones where you can feel the warmth descending for another night, when you need a blanket wrapped around your shoulders or someone to just hold, someone. 

Snapping out of it my phone starts to ring, casting my eyes from the muted orange tones of the sky I pick my phone up immediately, swiping it and holding it to my ear as I move to stand by my window. “Hey,” I speak with a smile across my face, one I wish he could see. “everything alright?” 

“It’s good to hear your voice.” He muttered as I heard some commotion in the background, “Sorry, bit of a weird time to be calling you,” I could hear him apologising to multiple people as the noise decreased, he was in a quieter spot. “We just finished soundcheck, so I thought I’d give you a ring.” Licking my lips the curiosity couldn’t be denied, I always want to hear him sing, perform to me someday. One can simply dream for now, that’s all I do. 

“How’s it going? Also where are you now?” I am never able to keep track of him, he is never in the same place for more than two days whilst I can never leave. Part of me wonders if our paths have in fact crossed, yet we’ve been too oblivious to it all. 

A door closes and I can hear him moving again, even on the phone he is never able to sit still for more than two minutes. Yet I happily stand here admiring the sunset, thinking about the person the voice belongs to by my side. “We’re in Italy, you’d love it here. Someday, maybe we could see it together.” His voice faltered at the end of his sentence, a habit he has when he refers to the two of us as being ‘together.’ 

After almost a year neither of us are sure what to consider this friendship, as it feels more than another friendship. It differs to the relationship I had with Dylan, to the best friends I have grown up with and here at University. With Dan there aren’t any boundaries, but I fear it is because we simply haven’t met. There has not been that opportunity to spend all day together in person, to get used to each others flaws or bad habits. Maybe that is what makes this friendship ideal, we can simply hang up or not reply when we need space. 

Both of us hesitated in the silence that loomed down the empty line, neither fully knowing how to make a dignified response. I want to speak up, try and provide some false hope that we will meet someday, but after a year of talking it feels like a distant and unrealistic dream. 

We quickly move the conversation on, and before I know it he has to go, as always. “Gig is starting in twenty, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow, yeah?” I can hear the hope in his tone, the thick accent laced with that light spark of want, a craving almost. 

Sitting up on my bed I can see the sun is long gone, instead it is replaced by thick clouds and a single sheet of velvet pin pricked with diamonds forming patterns behind the thinner puffs of cotton. “What’s it like, where you are?” 

I can hear some commotion as voices sound, giving orders and directions to various people including him. He pants lightly down the line before pausing. The sound of wind fills my ears, somewhere else whilst the wind is stand still here. I wrap my arm around myself, immersing myself there as he describes it to me. “It’s clear skies tonight, we are performing in an outdoor venue so I have to wear a jumper. The kind of night where goosebumps form too easily, where the crowds huddle together in the music and enjoy the warmth. I wish you could see the stars, how bright they’re flickering as if they’re trying to wink, wish us luck.” I smile to myself at his descriptions, each different from the last. 

“Goodnight Dan, and good luck.” Before he has a chance to respond someone yells for him, he mutters a quick goodbye and then I am left in my own company, simply thinking about him once again, wondering how it must be. 

A gentle knock on my door catches my attention as it creaks open. Turning around I see my friend, holding up my favourite blanket. “You’d probably want this, it’s going to be a cold night and our heating is still broken.” Half sighing in response I take it from her, before throwing it over my shoulders. “Wanna talk about it?” She sits down next to me on my carpet, the once cream now stained, turning slightly darker and discoloured. 

“It’s getting harder.” I state quietly, unsure how to express the matter. “I don’t, I don’t want to let go, but I can’t keep it up. The distance, the fact that I haven’t met him. He is a name, a voice and a profession.” Shaking my head I bury my head in my hands, concealing the loose tears in my eyes. 

She rubs my back supportingly as I collapse into her lap, silently sobbing as my shoulders shake. “Tell him.” She speaks up above my deafening pain, “Simply tell him how you feel. That you’re struggling to keep it up, I mean did you ever talk about Dylan?” Keeping myself still I simply shake my head, resulting in a heavy sigh from her as my eyes remain shut. 

“How could I? Dylan and me were almost done anyway, why bring him up?” My mind remained clouded like the night sky as I sit back up, my eyes blurring for a second before focusing on her concerned expression. 

Rubbing her face she removes the black that clings to her under eyes, something that heavily grips to every crevice under mine too many times, too many. “You didn’t want him thinking there was someone else, did you? Even then you knew, Dylan knew and we all knew that this Dan was more than an internet friend.” Hearing her say it aloud, I saw it all. I saw the breakup with Dylan, how I cried all night over him, but Dan was keeping my spirits high in between sobs unknowingly. “Admit it. You like him, and that is why you want to meet him, you want to meet the person who makes you a better version of yourself, who picks you up like no one else does.”

Words were at a loss as my mouth felt like lead, my mind was racing at the possibilities of what she was saying to be correct, but my heart knew more than my mind did. I knew what she was saying was true, sometimes I would shun it out after he helped me get to sleep with a late night phone call as he would be waking up. The time when he couldn’t do anything, when the creativity had just drained itself from him I made him laugh, laugh wholeheartedly and we shared stories of our childhoods. 

With Dan it wasn’t like anything else, I’d never been so open, so honest about myself. My guard isn’t held up, I dread our goodbyes as I am left like this, wrapped in a blanket for one wishing it was him hugging me. “I want to meet him.” Lifting my head from her lap I sit upright and I run my sleeve across my nose as she wipes the tears from my cheeks. “I want to meet Dan. Not in another year, but soon. Whatever it takes, I can’t risk it anymore.” 

“Finally!” She claps loudly and I laugh lightly, “Right, when his gig is over call him. Speak to him and arrange something. If he is as determined as you then you’ll find a way. All of those who are destined to meet do. It’s written in the stars.” I pull a face to her, and she simply shoves me lightly. “You know what I mean, and you’re the one who is usually all poetic.” 

Standing up she walks out of my room, leaving me with the blanket and the chill that hangs in the winter air. Before I have a chance to thank her she already knows, she closes my door and I pick my phone up, holding it in my hands. Two hours, two hours and I’ll know.

I’ll finally meet Dan. 

part two / part three / part four / part five / part six / part seven (last)

[ectiger]

A bit of ‘not’ was required the last few days. Have you ever needed to ‘not’? Just say no to the needs of everyone else and actually put your own first, just for a bit? A lot of us are aring and not notting enough really, but amming or aring is just as required to help reach a new inspiration or resolution at times. Perhaps part of that comes from studying how your parents or family act in their home after you have moved out and been able to find yourself a bit better. You can are to experience that, but you may need to not to process it.  So I decided to not for a few days, and I ended up going on a ridiculous adventure, driving from store to store until I found the new cereal with a unicorn on the box. And as I sat there, munching on my strawberry flavoured sugarry unicorn cereal loops, I could finally not properly.

During this last not it has hit me like a truck; so many distorted values that were instilled in me.Creating art cant be a real job, a job is something you have to hate. I can never be a real artist because real artists had go to art school. Real artists stand around art galleries with rich people deciding what a ridiculous amount of money their splashes and sploots are worth. People with real jobs had to go to university to learn how to do their real jobs.

“What an absolutely absurd and distorted world view,” I thought to myself as I came to the realization that... I was a real artist, and I was proud to have taught myself from scratch, and I have a real job making it. 

What I do need to work on and need help with are setting healthy boundaries for it - just because I like doing my job, and work my own hours doesn’t mean I can run around all day doing things for other people.  And let me tell you - that statement coming from a recovering people-pleaser is a big step. So sometimes when you feel you gotta just not for a bit, maybe thats your subconscious talking and wanting to process some stuff to help you. Heck, you might even discover something life-changing - all on your own. Or you could just need more coffee before you not... I do recommend trying the coffee method first actually. If it doesnt work, do try to not for a while. It will help you be tomorrow :3 So... what’s my job?  Drawing? Sure. But it’s SO much more than that. It’s a beautiful dance from the moment of inspiration and spark of creation. It’s the people helped and made a bit happier in the process. That five minute doodle you did for someone having a crappy day and stopped by your stream. The templates you hand out to new artists so they can learn to color. The smile on people’s faces when they use your IM emoji’s over and over again. The characters they will love and cherish for many years. Watching the characters grow and change with the people - documenting it through your art.  My job? Changing the world with art. If you stop to think about it - it touches a lot of lives, and you really can make a big difference for the better.

[joshhutchsource]

Josh Hutcherson AMA Transcript

This is the transcript from Josh’s AMA on Reddit on February 16th, 2017.  All spelling and grammar errors are as written by the original people  This is very long, so the majority is under a read more.

Q:  Do you miss working with the Hunger Games cast?

Josh:  yes... they were the best! family forever. i miss them all dearly... however we still hang now and then and keep in touch.

Q:  Hi! What's your favorite television show to watch?

Josh:  the Bob Ross painting show... i can benge for hours

Q:  Hey Mr. Hutcherson, is there any actor (that you have not yet worked with) that you wish to work with someday?

Josh:  so many.... joaquin phoenix is up there for sure.

Q:  Hi Josh, You got second class treatment from Rosemary Telesco and continued with Katniss Everdeen. Does it hurt your feelings?

Josh:  hahaha.... life imitates art…

Q:  What do you define as your first "big break" into acting and that business?

Josh:  For me my first ever job was personally my big break.. I was 9 and I held a goat in the backgroud for a bible study video in ohio.... everyone starts somewhere…

Q:  How do you go about choosing a script that you want to work on, both for this project and other professional work?

Josh:  I want originality. Characters that are bold and have clear voices. i also want to push the boundaries of what reality is.

Q:  Hey Josh! What is the craziest encounter you've had with a fan?

Josh:  i had two girls and their mom show up at my door a few years ago during christmas with my family..... that was..... awkward. Im not answering the door next time. Haha

Q:  do you think 2017 is going to be a good year?

Josh:  hard to believe it can be... however I feel like so many people are getting involved that werent before... this is a moment when people feel energized.

Q:  If you had not been an actor, what profession would you have done?

Josh:  i like building stuff... and i like photography... maybe building stuff and taking pictures of it... if thats a job

Q:  Because Im sure you get the same questions over and over - what's your favorite day of the week, and why?

Josh:  Thursday... not becuase im here... but because i like how the word looks. and wednesday is finally over.

Q:  JOSH is there anything you couldn't live without?

Josh:  my freedom of speech and gluten

Q:  your favorite song at this moment?

Josh:  Lazarus by David Bowie

Q:  Why were you such a little bitch in the hunger games ?

Josh:  i prefer other words... however this little bitch survived. so... yeah.

Q:  Which country do you think is the safest in a zombie apocalypse?

Josh:  Iceland... no doubt. Zombies hate Byjork

Q:  What's your idea of a successful person. What would make someone successful in your eyes?

Josh:  A person who is comfortable in their skin... I'm defintely not. I have gotten better as time goes on but someone who is and who is genuine is successful for me.

Q:  Do you have any advice for someone dealing with depression?

Josh:  I'm not certified to answer this sort of thing. However I go back to perception. As well as really find what you care about and express it. film, music, walking... whatever it is that you can connect with is what i try to lose myself in.

Q:  i feel like, in my mind, i always associate you with the jungle. Why is that?

Josh:  that really makes me smile. I love the jungle and i feel a part of it often. thank you.

Q:  hi josh, I'm not very good at english so I can't write a good question but do you like mango?

Josh:  yes... im human. never trust someone who doesnt

Q:  What do you think about Darren Aeronosfsky as a director?

Josh:  I think hes great... requiem is on point!!

Q:  Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Josh:  here in this ama.

probably isolated somehwere thinking of ideas of things to make movies about. I dont know!!!! cant think that far ahead honestly.

Q:  in ten words can you describe your experience directing "Ape"?

Josh:  BEst experience of my life creatively hello cars cat apples

Q:  What's your favorite food?

Josh:  Skyline Chili... Only available in the greater Cincy area…

Q:  You still here? And if so, what do you think of the Oscar contenders this year?

Josh:  Moonlight!!! That movie was incredible. I also really loved LA LA Land. those two really stood out for me. so many great performances though. Denzel was on point!

Q:  Donald Trump or President Snow ?

Josh:  I mean... one in the same right?

Q:  How are Driver and Manchi?

Josh:  they are the loves of my life.... I worship them. I believe they are quite happy. they get plenty of love and attention!

Q:  ‼️‼️‼️ BERNIE SANDERS !!!! ❗️❗️❗️❗️

now that i got your attention,

Do you watch TV SHOWS ? If yes which one

You are such an inspiration to me. After almost 10 years as a fan, im really proud of you and everything you've achieved! I cant wait to watch ALL your upcomings projects and you are such an AMAZING human being Joshua. Thank you for everything. Seeing you in Paris in 2015 was the best moment of my life, i hope i will see you again and talk with you. Please don't forget your fans, we love you so much. (We missed you so much) Will you ever come back in France? :)

Josh:  THANK YOU!! that made my day=] I love france and would love to come back!

I do watch some tv... not so so much. I really love GIRLS. that show is so perfect in so many ways. Ive never seen a show that feels more flawed and honest like that one. Best characters ever.

Q:  Really wanna know if you'll keep supporting Bernie although the election is over?

Josh:  ABSOLUTELY. we must. things are crazy now but we need to vote in local elections and keep our voices loud. I miss the days when Bernie was a real option…

Q:  Hey Josh! Congrats on your director debut of "Ape." Were there things you did differently as an actor because you were also the director? How did it change your perspective?

Josh:  it was hard... I liked it a lot but it was tough because i couldnt watch the monitors obviously so i had to make notes in my mind while acting in the scene... i realy liked this experience though and i have somehow even more respect for directors than before.

Q:  Do you believe in a real life happy ending? If yes, what would you tell someone who kind of lost hope?

Josh:  I think a happy ending is possible. I really believe its all about perception. If you can learn to manage that then you can find ways to be happy all the time

Q:  HEY JOSH! I'm so glad you have finally done an AMA!

What advice would you give you're teenage self when entering the theatre/acting community?

Josh:  thick skin. actors are the most insecure and insane types of people... with that you need to have thick skin to deflect the dissapointment and let downs and judgements.

Q:  Do you want to repeat the experience as a director??

Josh:  No doubt. I loved it. its extremely addictive and Im feining fo some mo.

Q:  Hi Josh ! How are you ? Will there be a French subtitled version for Ape ? I'm a French fan :) Thank you !

Josh:  oui... i think.

Q:  Yooo RV was a dumpster fire of a movie...that being said, how awesome was it to work with Robin Williams??

Josh:  hahahahah! Robin is a saint... biggest heart in the world and never a dull moment. he was the best.

Q:  What kind of movies would you like to direct in the future?

Josh:  I like stuff that bends reality and questions the human condition... bending the rules. I love films like being john malkovich and eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

Q:  Hey Josh! What's your all time favorite movie or a movie you think everyone needs to see?

Josh:  Two for the Road. 60's film that was way ahead of its time and has inspried so many modern love stories. its great!

Q:  Hello, Josh! As an aspiring filmmaker, I know how tedious making any sort of film can be. What gets you motivated to create? Also, what’s your favorite snack? Cause, duh, snacks are some of the best motivators.

Josh:  Honestly I think i get inspired when i see a dope movie... like when i saw moonlight i just wanted to go out and create something personal and important.

Also sitting in a restaurant looking around and making up stories about the people...

Snack..... kale. Fuk off kale!! frosted flakes

Q:  JOSH. Huge fan, you're awesome, yadda yadda ;)

You're such a strong ally to the LGBT community. How did you get involved with your organization, Straight But Not Narrow? What is your advice to the community in the wake of certain political events?

Josh:  We started SBNN becuase it felt like there was a lack of outreach to bridge communities together... especially in schools where bullying is brutal. I think now more than ever showing your support to your neighbors is paramount in surviving whats going on.

We are all here and human

Q:  What was it like working with Mark Ruffalo?

Josh:  Hes the best guy in the world. I love that human!

Q:  Josh! Favorite 80's movie?

Josh:  Lost Boys

Q:  Do you have any directorial advice?

Josh:  prepare!! Its so important to know what you want to make so when youre there on set you have it all set up.

The script is the absolute base for everything. understad it inside and out.

Q:  Hi Josh!

You and I went to the same school, and you even lived in the same neighborhood as some of my close friends. We’ve never met because you always looked like you wanted privacy and I wanted to respect that, plus I’m a shy person who wouldn’t have known what to say. I’ve always wondered if you felt like you sort of missed out on your high-school experience, and if that impacted you on a social and mental level.

I’m trying to pursue my dream of becoming a published author, but sometimes I just feel like it’s never going to happen and that I’ll never be successful in the only thing that I’m passionate about. What advice would you give to someone who’s been told over and over again to give up their dream and focus on a more practical plan for their life?

Thanks for doing this AMA! It’s really awesome seeing someone from Union doing what they love!

Josh:  I think that going for something different in life is for sure the most important thing to do... FUCK THE HATERS!

Only you can stop yourself from going for it.

that should be on an inspirational cat poster...

Q:  How would you beat up Donald trump?

Josh:  With knowledge.... it seems to be his biggest weakness…

Q:  Would you rather be attacked by 50 duck sized horses or 1 horse sized duck?

Josh:  One horse sized duck.... no question... Ive seen some big ass ducks…

Q:  What are the kind of things you learned while working your blockbuster role in "The Hunger Games Trilogy"?

Josh:  TEAMWORK. we had massive crews and it is not possible without all that.

Q:  Josh Do you have any Tips for a Happy life?

Josh:  Inner happiness... you wont find it in anything else in the world. thats the only way to get by and be happy

Q:  what is the number one thing on your bucket list?

Josh:  go to patagonia…

Q:  Was this role challenging for you to play and how do you think you did?

Josh:  It definitely was challenging... its a deep and dark place to go to and I like tapping into that side of myself... I think I did alright... Im my hardest critic

Q:  It's so easy to hack me because all of my passwords are your name, what do you think about that?

Josh:  Its kinda dope,... maybe try changing it for a bit?

Q:  What is your favorite horror movie?

Josh:  I really like It Follows... and classics like the shining of course... some chronenburg stuff too... butchered that spelling

Q:  Is it harder to be an actor or a director?

Have you thought about being in another large franchise such as the hunger games?

Josh:  Hmmm. I would say that directing definitely requires a shit ton more focus and work!!! Id say thats more challenging for sure

Q:  Are you looking forward to doing the full length APE?

Josh:  YES!!! The plan is to fastrack this into production after the short comes out. the feature is even deeper and darker... gonna be weird…

Q:  If Peeta tried to fight you, could real life you take him down?

Josh:  fuck yeah!!! well... maybe not. I have a ferocious side that I can tap into.

Q:  Hi Josh (my brothers name too) What is the most Hollywood thing you have done/seen so far?

Josh:  dont ever come to hollywood for a vacation... its tacky and nothing like they make it seem. Hah.

Q:  There's definitely a theme of dealing with mental health issues in your film. Is this something you've dealt with personally?

Josh:  There have been moments where I've questioned my mental state... haven't gone too far down that road but I think it's beyond interesting to try to empathize and deal with people who are dealing with those.

Q:  hey josh! the other night i was really high and felt like i was you. did you feel it too?

Josh:  Wait... was that monday?? I felt something then…

Q:  Hi,

What is your dream role, if you could have any in the world, and what is your dream directorial role (genre, plot, cast to direct)? If you had to pick one of these, dream role or dream directing opportunity, which would you prefer to do?

Now this is the obligatory thank-you part that I could not pass up the opportunity to post, considering how much your LGBT+ work has meant to me:

I figured this would be a good opportunity to send some well-deserved thanks your way and hope you see it…! This idea of wanting to thank you started in a letter I started writing a good few years ago now… which I still happen to have in my bedside table, because it never got sent. (I don’t think I ever figured out where to send fan-mail to you, which didn’t help my cause.)

I don’t remember, when I was younger, knowing of any out actors. I’m 20 now, but up until my mid-teens, there was a big blank space around the ideas of ‘LGBT+’ and ‘the world’ being connected for me. I’ve known I was gay since I was 11, but the experience was very isolating, not knowing any gay people in real life. I had no foundation to go on, no experience in this, and obviously felt as though I couldn’t talk with anyone about it, even though I remember very few support-type services.

I remember seeing you in Zathura (my Dad loves Jumanji, so it was bound to happen) and ever since then, I think I’ve just sort of stuck with you. I must have seen that movie when I was about 12/13, and I think that’s when I started to hear what it was you were saying, because I noticed it was relevant to me. I followed what you were saying, and as I got older and more aware of myself and the world, it really started to have an impact on me. I felt as though that was my connection, as though that was my way of learning partly about who I was.

Even though you weren’t gay, the fact that you were only a few years older than me and were into the things and the field I also enjoyed really helped me relate to you. Because I related to you and because you actually meant something to me, the message you seemed so passionate about really resonated with me and it gave me a sort of courage and hope I don’t think someone older (or just generally someone whom I didn’t look up to) would have been able to instil. For the first time, someone I liked and someone I respected was talking about this thing I wasn’t able to share with anyone else. And they were a proper force in the ‘wider world.’

I never really struggle with ‘being gay,’ but I struggled with what other people might have thought, and again your dialogue helped with that. It was just so amazing to see someone whom I respected acting in a way that showed me he would treat me and people like me just as he would any other person. Even though it wasn’t a two way conversation between us, I felt that because you were a person with such a big stature who was brave enough to say this in public, that surely you knew people like me were out there and you were at least partially talking to us.

In the big scheme of things, I didn’t have it as hard as some others do, and I never want to take that for granted. My parents are relatively liberal and Australia is an OK climate to LGBT+ in. But I still found that it was hard to relate who I was with something bigger, and it was scary thinking about whether I would have to start a journey of discovery (not just self-discovery, but a discovery of ‘everything LGBT+’ I suppose you could say) on my own. Simply said, you helped me bridge the gap that I think sometimes people forget exists, even for young LGBT+ people in “supportive” environments. Just because they’re supportive doesn’t mean they’re informative or comfortable.

Nowadays, I’m so happy when I see younger celebrities come out, because I know how much that visibility and that platform means to young LGBT+ kids who simply want to see someone like them on television or in the media. Ellen Page, Charlie Carver, Tom Daley, Troye Sivan, Gus Kenworthy, etc, are all fantastic people that I just know will help make all the difference in someone’s life, as you did in mine.

So, all in all, I just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done and continue to do for me and everyone else like me! I think it’s fair to say you’re not just an ally, but a friend too. I hope one day I get to shake your hand and thank you in-person for what you’ve done.

(...well this is the most personal thing I've ever written on this website.)

Josh:  Of course! I think its beyond important to give people their voice and fair shot at what they want from life. GET OUT OF THE WAY HATERS!

Only light can drive out dark.

[perstephonebartusisyphus]

I haven’t been writing. I’ve been giving up on it, even as a private joy. Beneath a veneer, I am a very angry person. The program has always been, wait until the feelings foment, wait until the consciousness connects and the inspiration ignites and there’s something useful to share. What an imposing sense of judgement, that all preceeding must lie in wait until it’s worthy.

Maybe I could challenge myself to speak candidly for its own sake. Some turn of a cosmic wheel, and many deep seated issues are surfacing, bubbling up, demanding confrontation and acknowlegement, and ill equipment and old programming to “handle"the confrontation. Observation of such, passivity, onlooking, formulating, and old pattern programming gaining more language to integrate unto its own in the pattern. Courage and fear. Still a complete disconnect there.

Because it’s not all cake, it’s half bake, it’s the confrontation with the willfully repressed balling up, getting bigger, baking with other things, a tidal wave, a "this is nature”, a this is the universe saying as much to its self expression… this is opportunity for growth, for break through, for actualization.

I’ve been experiencing flashes and manifestations of what I’ve internalized yet not confronted, the sensitivity to words, to vibrations, to potential realities when they don’t dissipate because they sink inside and find somewhere to dwell in coolness, in cloak. And magnify, and come out again sharp, strong tongued, cruel, destructive. Destructive as repressed force that needs to break the walls down to come to clarity. To acknowlegement, to stepping up and realizing the extent of transgression, the lie to self, the externalization of those lies, how it contorts the perception. Another turn of the wheel. Its intensity magnifies, potential for integration magnifies, challenge accepted/unaccepted. If accepted welcome to the next cycle. If unaccepted-see you later once the same things happen in a different way. No level “up”. Like binary. Like no spectrum, like no blending, like one or the other. Odd programming. Still there, still deep. Difficult to work with, blend both at the same time. Accept and unaccept. Accept what can be dealt with in this moment, different from accept fully without foreknowlege of capacity to do so. Assumption. Assumption of capacity. Programming setting boundary condition, not boundary condition challenging knowing capcity. Tricky. Tricky tricky. Beep beep boop boop , tendrils reaching, speaking to soul via mind. Both realizing the spaces between the understanding. Yo soul, what am i missing? Yo mind, i see where youre at, but dont quite align. Base on lack, not being full, instead of recognizing fullness and moving from there. Repattern plz. Whatever way. See where it goes.

Sitting in silence, self made silence, considered as imposed silence cause coursge and fear disconnect. Sitting and hearing and feeling all of the vibrations, spiraling out finding the dwelling, activating certain core programs. Shame, silence. Anger, silence. Experiment with speaking up. Experience the response. Usually aggressive, or patronizing. Like someone telling you that upon meeting someone and being excited about the person, tells you that alls you care about is dude and will always choose dude over anything. Like someone telling you that upokn meeting person snd being excited about the person, tries to bring up the last time they were intimate with you.

The realization… oh, these folks are not excited that im excited. That feels weird. Question everything. What attraction to self deprecation have i invited and inspire and see reflected and vice versa. Trying to take someone seriously when they say, after verbally getting in my ear for hours about how i operate from ego, that they just want me to be happy.

These reflections, these lessons, these experiences of energies in the universe communicating.

Sitting for two weeks in silence and upon speaking, being met with silence. Excommunication. Pariah. Non-peer. How long has that program been running? How long has it been running so that i seek its evidence of its existence, evidence that yes, stay quiet. I see my own place in it, and also see the other ways it is impersonally directed. Monstrous sorrow, heaving, bigger than a full balloon. Gah, sporits how to touch. Go beyond the vessel, feel the script of universe in action, translate. Translate. Spiritual polyglot trapped in language, give to the mind. All that comes along with directed electrons and quantum reactions. Firing neurons, pathways traversed over and over again. Take the road less traveled in the mind. The road less traveled. So many roads, infinite roads, yet the tread lines in the cortex become so familiar, not comforting, but definitely reality of course.

Meditate on electrons, on neurons, on imagining the processes to glitch, mutate, discover a way previously unfamiliar. Wow! Thats types of connection. Wow that’s like writing. Extend possibility, extend uncertainty, extend experimentation both with and without hypothesis, with and without direction, alive or dead cats. What a cruel formulation for quantum physics. Binary wave form. Alive or dead? But unopened both? Pretty cool, but once opened, collapsed into manifestation. What if before opening the box, theres the thought or imagination of all that happened to keep the poison from making it anywhere near a box that may be poisoning the cat. What waveform is activated with that picture.