#im just trying to make sense of this cause i genuinely dont understand whats happening

[arcaneyouth]

ok genuinely what is the deal with ask game etiquette. yes i was 15 when i learned this shit so things have surely changed and i took it way more seriously than i needed to but im so genuinely baffled. like, the etiquette here is to send at least one question to the person youre reblogging from. doesnt even need thought put into it you just pick one at random. do people not worry about that anymore? like im actually curious, did something change while i wasnt looking and things got more lax????

[strangestofthings12]

This is going to be a very rambling and venty post cause im tired and annoyed and honestly am just using this to vent my anger/hurt. there is going to be stuff that can maybe be seen as anti tommy/bucktommy (please dont tell me a ship name to put i dont care about if they do have an agreed upon ship name right now) so if you dont want that please just move on. i dont want to fight i just want to yell into the void on a stupid throw away account so i dont bring my negativity stew and come out on my main blog where i just want to enjoy my stuff and just keep happy energy. I dont normally post and try and just find someone who explains it better because im not great and getting what im saying across or understood the way i want, so please bear with me. With that said i will move on to what i want to say

Okay so i have been watching 9-1-1 for years and i love and adore it. Its characters and dynamics and i have always loved found family. Now i will admit that i started watching it thinking that Buck and Eddie were a couple and had a son so i was kinda watching for it. Do i think if i didn't start watching thinking that i would ship them still yes 100%. I have always loved their relationship and i have loved watching both Buck and Eddie grow and start to be happy while also having each others back even at the worst times. Sometimes if i think to hard about Eddie and start crying cause I'm very normal about this show and it characters. Now Eddie is my favorite character in the show and at least in my top five overall favorite characters. I love him and his development and i adore seeing how much he does to just do right by Chris even when he messes up you can tell how much he adores that boy and how badly he wants to give Chris the best life possible. I could write essays about Eddie Diaz trying to explain how much i love him and why and i think words would run out before i could finish making people understand. Buddie is my favorite ship (sometimes second depending on my mood. i would say sorry but Henren and Madney will always be amazing ships and sometimes i just cant stop think about them)(Sorry Bathena i love you too i swear i just cant decide if i wanna kiss athena or be adopted by bobby and athena:( Its confusing) and has been for quite awhile and is one of my overall favorites and its one of my comfort ships.

With that context when bi Buck happened i was so insanely happy and i wouldnt shut up about it. it made me sick. i was so happy for Buck and while i think a part of me will always be a little sad Eddie wasnt his first kiss with a guy i dont think either of them are ready for that. i also understand that it wouldnt make sense for how the story is going right now. Now i have nothing against bucktommy in the show. I have watched the kiss scene and sobbed to much to pretend like i hate them or even dislike them. However I genuinely dont care about Tommy. Hes kinda bland and i forget about him half the time and before they brought him back i completely forgot his name. in my mind he was the one that wasnt as much of an asshole to chim and hen as the other two assholes which wasnt saying a lot. Now I dont dislike tommy nor am i going to act like hes irredeemable because neither Chim nor Hen seem to think hes still that guy and while they dont seem super close they seem to get along so clearly, he's not like that anymore. I have nothing that makes me dislike him nor do I like him. He's just there. He's just the guy buck kissed. Thats all he means to me. I would give up his screen time for Ravi or May or Karen in a heartbeat. because i love them cause they mean something to me. I don't think i thought about the fact that people might actually like him especially not more than EDDIE.

This is where the context matters cause i am to my core a one ship per person girly. I might see a ship and people who like it and even think thats not a terrible ship but i will still only look at content for my ship for that person (ie. i ship Destiel (dont say anything bad about them ill cry<3) but i can see the way someone would also ship Dean and Benny or crowley or Cas and Crowley or Mick but i will ignore the ship and move on and look at more Dean and Cas). normally i will just ignore the ship and move on because im not who its for. If it gets annoying in my tag or anything like that ill block it or whoever is annoying me cause its not a them problem that i dont want to see it. When i start to have a problem is when multiple people arent tagging right for whatever reason or people who are being rude about the ship i like because of their ship. When I started seeing Bucktommy stuff more and more in the 9-1-1 tag i went to the buddie tag cause i dont want to see them. my problem is that when im reading on AO3 and click on a fic tagged Buddie where bucktommy get married. it was literally just hurting Eddie. There was stuff before like id be scrolling though the buddie tag here and see someone saying that Tommy is a better character then Eddie and saying that they hope bucktommy is endgame. Whatever block and move on. Just like always but then people who have shipped buddie for years who ive seen talk about them are suddenly saying that they like bucktommy better. People who started watching because of bucktommy saying they dont like Eddie. People are going to have different opinions but it still bugged me. and then i read that and i was just hurt because it was tagged happy ending and i cannot fathom ever thinking Eddie hurting and pining is a happy ending. So i started to get more annoyed and i hate when that happens especially with a show i love and a character i dont dislike so i tried to just move on but more and more people are taking about it then i saw someone saying that they wanted eddie to die so buck and tommy can have Chris.

I just hate that so many people are jumping on the bucktommy train and saying that they like it better than buddie something that is so good and sweet or saying that they like Tommy more than Eddie. I just dont get it cause Tommy is boring. like yeah we now some about him and he flies a helicopter but hes forgettable he could be a completely different person and next to nothing would have to change. We have seen Eddie at his worst and claw his way back up and hes finally letting himself be open and honest and soft. Eddie couldnt be replaced. Now im not saying Tommy can't be an interesting character but as he is right now?? He just isnt. Hes just as bland as every women (minus Taylor and Shannon) Buck and Eddie have dated and been hated on for no reason!!! Like i get that Tommy is a guy and we got canon Bi Buck and people are happy but those same people turn around and shit on Marisol from what ive seen(I could be wrong cause again i have done my best to avoid). Buddie fans arent safe from that either, cause we all know that Buddie fans do that but so many of those people who hated on them and said they didnt want them with anyone else suddenly decided that they were okay if Buck ended up with any guy. I dont know its just weird and i hate how many people are acting like Eddie isnt always going to be better then Tommy. Part of me wanted Tommy to stick around and help Buck and Eddie figure it all out but now?? i honestly just cant wait for him to be gone cause I want to have fun and read fics for my comfort ship and just chill where i can see all of my ships in the show without buck and tommy being everywhere or people saying crap about Eddie.

I have more to say but most of its about how gratifying waiting and seeing where this whole thing goes(Buddie season 8 PLEASE!!) and this is already why to long and i think im just going in circles and none of this makes sense so ima shut up for now and hopefully this will help it not fester and drive me insane and become a tommy hater

Edit: but i also hate that Tommy calls Buck Evan so he already had some stuff against him rip

[brandnewhuman]

I was like scrolling through tiktok, fueling my könig thirst, when I came across an interesting hc

As much as I like to think this man has infinite patience and it takes literally so much to make him snap i think I might be wrong.

IM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO CORRECT ME SO DONT EVEN TRY IT

I was on the verge of having a stroke with @bloodlst trying to understand how old is könig (which btw didn't end up anywhere cause everytime we thought we had the answer something didn't seemed right. We have come to the agree that he's almost 40 and that cod writers are fucking wankers cause his bio doesn't makes any fucking sense)

König willingly volunteer to get into the army. Now I know it may not be much but in the bio you see in the game it says he felt acceptance only when fighting and that he exceeded at it.

Now I don't think könig is objectively a violent person but as someone who has their fair share of unfair moments in their life i can tell you that feeling powerless and defenseless is a horrible feeling. Anxiety and in general menta illness is debilitating on its own, if you pair that with people treating you like shit and having to always be faced with how weak you really are in others people eyes it does makes you feel angry and crave some sort of loud and brutal coping mechanisms

I think that's how könig feels, he has never been able to let out the anger, he's always been the fragile chubby kid with mental health problems who was easy to push around. He has always felt like he took too much space and didn't deserve to feel bad or show his real feelings cause in the end he always felt it was only his fault if all that shit happened to him.

I can see him being a shy person, always forcing a cheerful and careless facade, choosing to display only a premade happy set to the world so it's not that easy to get to him and his real feelings. I can see him being so full of anger that he has problems keeping it at bay sometimes and snaps randomly at very small things, regretting it immediately, I can see him keeping everything in and letting it out either during missions or when he's alone

Like he really is brutal when he is out there killing the enemy, and he likes it. He likes it and unlike ghost he's not afraid of it, he feels the most happy when he knows people see him and get scared cause they know what's coming for them.

Like I feel ghost does what he does cause he doesn't has anything else left, not because he likes to be a killer, not bc he likes to scare people but bc he genuinely believes he's not good for anything else other than violence. His life is ruined by all the trauma, he will never be able to be happy or have a normal life so why even try to? He gets so worried about being so used to death, he fears getting completely indifferent towards any type of violence or loss, that one day he won't even care about killing his own team or innocent people so that's why he keeps away from everyone. You can't feel bad for anyone or have to care if you don't have someone to look out for

But könig it's like different, he never thinks about the effects all of this will have on him, he just wants to feel like the strong one for once. He likes killing and he likes the fact that he's good at it and even enemies know it. And even after all of this he can't manage to make people respect him outside work, he loses all the "könig" strength and becomes just Dominik, the really tall and nervous guy who can't seem to stand up for himself. Cause as much as he likes to feel stronger than others he wants to be liked too, he wants to be appreciated by someone who isn't his grandma, he wants to feel like the bullies at school were wrong and he is a very likeable person, that he can be loved with all his difficulties and "flaws"

Bloody hell i got angsty with it, BUT YOU ALL KNOW I NEVER LIE SO IM RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG AND NOW YOU'LL THINK ABOUT IT

[craqueluring]

hi i LOVE ur acc and i was wondering if u had any ideas on this cause i cant seem to like. figure it out? in mizumono hannibal's like "do you think you could change me? the way ive changed you," and wills like "i already did." and i was like WOAHSJDGF. but like also how? i get the general feeling that he changed to view himself capable of love and realized he did actually want understanding and acceptance?? but i feel like theres a shift in his mindset based on his actions im not getting?? or rather how will changed him? like what of wills actions led to it? if that makes sense?

OMG hi!! i think this is the first ask ive gotten of someone asking me about what i think of a specific scene in hannibal and i am SO excited about it, so thank you!!!!! and also for saying you love my account, it means so much <3 thank u thank u thank u

okay but YES i have many ideas about this, I'm gonna go back to a couple lines before this, though, and go line by line and explain how i personally interpret this scene and topic!! sorry this is so long i got excited <3

warning: i make a lot of assumptions about hannibal's past which i am not 100% sure about, because the show makes his past very very vague. i am mainly going off just what the show implies and tells us, not the books.

also, there is a TLDR at the end of this!

-

hannibal says, almost exasperatedly, "my freedom, then. you would take that from me. confine me to a prison cell" and then looks at abigail. she looks down, almost guiltily, and i feel like in this moment everyone is remembering how hannibal took /will's/ freedom from him and confined /him/ to a prison cell (using abigail's fake death). and he is acting like it is somehow unfair that will would do the same to him.

but hannibal /is/ right in that he and will took or were going to take each other's freedoms for entirely different reasons. hannibal confined will to a prison cell because he was trying to change will for what he genuinely thought was the better. this is evident by hannibal saying "i have always had huge faith in you, will" and "i think you are more in control now than you have ever been" and the rebirth themed episode directly after will gets out of prison. will's imprisonment was to change him. this change was not only will being more "in control," but more in tune and intimate with his "urges," and generally more intimate and less afraid of the parts of his mind he had been trying to suppress.

after hannibal says "...confine me to a prison cell," and looks back at will, he looks thoughful for a moment. that is when he says "do you believe you could change me, the way i have changed you?" because he is asking will if he believes that he could change hannibal by imprisoning him (which was his "plan" with jack for most of s2b), just as hannibal changed will by imprisoning him. 

will replies with "i already did," the script says after that, "hannibal studies will a moment, realizing he's right." will did not need to imprison hannibal in order to change him. by just making hannibal feel this kind of love, devotion, and trust, he had already changed hannibal drastically. i dont believe hannibal had felt what he felt for will since mischa 30-40 years ago. to really put it in perspective, hannibal had gone through his entire life probably completely alone, letting nobody close to him like he let will be close to him. he never let himself be seen, and never let himself trust enough to experience anything like this (presumably).

will's changing hannibal is also shown physically by the entire scene in mizumono happening at that moment. hannibal massacred everybody in his own house. this is not the way he kills. his kills are not impulsively reactionary or born of emotions as intense and volatile as he was feeling in response to will's betrayal. will himself says hannibal's kills are like "pests he's swatted," born of annoyance at best. this killing and violence resulting from a situation of genuine, deep hurt is entirely new for hannibal. like i said, hannibal had not let himself truly be seen by anyone other than will in a very long time, and he trusted will in a way he didnt even trust bedelia in season 3. when hannibal found out will's betrayal of him, he was heartbroken. heartbreak is not something hannibal is supposed to open himself up to. he is supposed to be in complete control of his emotions and actions. but he wasn't, and he did open himself up to this heartbreak. so, this cocktail of emotions is completely and entirely foreign to hannibal (other than mischa), and he unleashes it all in the mizumono massacre. what hannibal does for will makes him act in ways he does not and has not acted before, generally.

semi-TLDR: so, will changed hannibal because he was the first person hannibal loved and trusted in this very vulnerable way since mischa. because of this, he was the first person capable of betraying hannibal in such a deep-cutting way. will caused hannibal to let himself experience love and trust again. and also heartbreak and betrayal. these volatile emotions are all behind hannibal's mizumono massacre, which is absolutely uncharacteristic of him (at least, up until this point). in this way, will changed hannibal.

as for the consequences of this change in hannibal: hannibal is grappling with this realization/coming to terms/figuring out how to deal with his love of will (and will's betrayal) during mizumono and post-mizumono. he doesn't know what to do with this change in himself. s3a is literally just hannibal trying to figure out how to deal with his uncontrollable obsession with/love of will and what to do with it. and also how to deal with will's consistent rejection of him (mizumono betrayal, the knife in the uffizi gallery, and the digestivo rejection). secondo is where he concludes that the only way he can forgive will for making him feel this way (and for his influence of hannibal to betryal himself) is to eat him, as he did the same to his sister. when they're back at will's house after the brain eating is interrupted, and after the consequent muskrat farm massacre, hannibal is regretting something (either the brain eating, killing abigail, or opening himself up to wills "influence" at all. or all three.), and starts writing theoretical formulas to turn back time in a notebook. after will's final rejection in digestivo, hannibal turns himself in. hannibal is All Over The Place after he starts loving will and lets himself be heartbroken by will: he kills abigail, runs off to europe, tries to kill will and eat his brain, then regrets it and tries to convince will to let it go, and then puts himself in prison after will rejects him. i'm not going to go into the reason for the prison thing because this is already getting too long, lol.

hannibal is known for being able to control his emotions and calculate his actions very carefully. hannibal literally says "you cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love." and bedelia says "what your sister [and now will] made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict." hannibal is used to being able to control and predict his emotions. the appearance of his uncontrollable and unpredictable love and forgiveness of will is in direct conflict with what hannibal is used to, and this is the change in hannibal that will caused.

full-TLDR: will changed hannibal because he was the first person hannibal felt love and trust for in this very vulnerable way since mischa. because of this, will was also the first person capable of betraying hannibal in such a deep-cutting way. will caused hannibal to let himself experience love and trust again. and also heartbreak and betrayal. these volatile emotions are all behind hannibal's mizumono massacre, which is absolutely uncharacteristic of him (at least, up until this point). after hannibal runs off to europe, he doesn't know what to do with this change in himself. the entirety of s3a is largely hannibal trying to figure this out, and he concludes by putting himself in prison.

-

of course there are many different ways to interpret this very complex scene & topic, so those are just my thoughts (which are admittedly a little shakey still, lol) i hope that kinda answered your question, or you at least got something out of this! :]

[tinylittlecubby]

In the following possibly concerning for my psychiatric health rant , I will be covering what the actual definition of parasocial is, the function and normalness of regular parasociality, why some mediums invite stans more than others and what would need to change to eradicate stan culture. Im unfortunately just someone with an internet connection and im writing this on mobile so if any degree of understanding in regards to those facts can be maintained I would be very grateful!

1) i would rather do a flip off the bellagio instead of meet any of the people who's art/content I consume I just want to say that first

1b) however I have participated in fandom since I was literally 7 years old so I know way too much about fandoms in general and also parasociality.

2)the partition between social worlds is an illusion. If it happens in one place it happens in another. People putting artists on a pedestal and then tearing them down is something that also happens in arenas outside of popular culture like the sciences and in peoples very own homes. Uniqueness of circumstance is rare and the breadth of human capability in terms of horror and beauty is present no matter the field.

3) Parasocial relationships have an actual psychological function (more on this later) Because of the term 'relationship' and the cultural baggage around that term it is assumed that it is something that is purely done outside of the bounds of the time it takes to consume the media. Even the term caring is loaded more than it should.

Art and media should push us to care and ultimately, a parasocial relationship is JUST caring about a subject ( like a person or object or idea) BUT they/it LITERALLY can not care about you back due to lack of knowing SPECIFICALLY you.

Off of that definition that is why in order for media to be effective a parasocial relationship has to exsist. It makes sense to care about one character over another depending on how a film is written, and this state/relationship of caring last the duration of the film.

That feeling of caring about the character can persist beyond the literal duration of the film due to how emotionally moving it could've been however I find that for films most people do not continue that state beyond the literal duration of the film (in terms of fantasies about the character as I dont find that there are many fanfictions for example about movies -unless they have been made into TV shows as well- etc), due to it being one of the shorter mediums today both in the media itself and the promotion cycle/exposure to the people involved, which is why I picked movies.

I want to make that distinction cause people often say we need to eradicate parasocial relationships altogether and I dont think they understand that parasocial is a sociological term that was coined in 1956/57 and has an extremely long history OUTSIDE of social media. And if the term was coined then that means the phenomenon was going on prior.

Also, films are fake. Literally everyone knows this, no one gets mad at anyone for saying that cause we all know this. However films, when the term was coined, were seen as THE medium that facilitated parasocial relationships (in the sense i described above in terms of the duration of the film, rather than the sense that is used now in terms of being a stan)

And about movies being fake and maybe that being why people stan actors less (sometimes def not all the time)

A) the amount of films and TV shows that try and use this narrative to go far beyond actors zone of consent ìs one of THE main problems with the entertainment industry. They are real people doing fake things but they are still people first.

B) i personally believe that it is in a streamers best interest to create a degree of a character to be on stream (can be a genuine persona or just to the degree of customer service agent. Aint nobody their god damn selves when being a customer service agent but they also aren't not being themselves. If you know you know.) So they too are in an arena of fakeness as well. This lack of understanding is why they constantly have to tell their audience "bro i don't know you AND you don't know me"

4a)and in regards to the statement that I made in terms of parasocial relationships having to exsist, I'm saying that with finances/politics/sociology in mind. There is a business theory in the arts that if you have 1000 true fans (defined as someone that will buy ALL of your merch, concert tickets,will listen to 90% of your music and genuinely enjoy, talk about the music to their friends to get them to like it as well etc etc) you can make your art on your own terms and consistently from a financial stand point. However, that kind of consumer is the exact type that participates in the parasocial relationship outside the duration of the medium and can take them to stan town. And record labels know this, that is why pop music lyrics are the way they are and even when they aren't romance oriented they still market the artist to be as 'authentic' as possible so the development of the parasocial relationship can continue outside the literal duration.

4b) in terms of the psychological function of parasociakity I would read into how children develop relationships with their toys. During active play it is developmentally normal for the child to act as if the toy can react back to the child's own affect/actions, that's why children will talk to or feed etc their toys. Outside of active play sometimes the child will mention the toy (usually in terms of requesting for it to begin active play OR talking about it like they are a friend and saying to a parent "do you think Bella would like this dress?" And the parent knows they are talking about the toy and would respond in kind and maybe they buy the little dress to dress up the toy (think of build a bears model of the type of inventory they sell) it is also common that if they are playing with a sibling or a friend and the other child is being rough with the toy the main child will use language such as "you are hurting them!" suggesting the child believe that the toy can feel literal pain the same way they can (because they are a literal child duh)

A child being able to show the capacity to communicate, empathize, emote and respond to stimuli the object may provide back (like if its a talking to) is absolutely MAJOR and is used in clinical studies during neurological testing in children literally all the time. And if you as an adult were to go up to a child and start berating them for this dynamic pal....you yourself got problems.

This is one of the many types of ways that children learn how to socialize and it happens concurrently with other types of learning in terms of interacting with peers, adults that may use language they dont know but helps them build they own language tool kit etc etc. It is absolutely NOT to be seen as the ONLY type of socializing. That is horrifying and I dont know what the hell would happen if it was literally the only type of socializing a child or even an adult would be receiving (also I dont know how that would literally happen either like do they live in the woods with literally no one else around??)

I say all of this to say that parasociality should NOT be demonized because doing so would be inconsistent with the overall cultural narrative about being social animals. If we are social animals then it makes sense that parasocialism exists. UNHEALTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!! parasocialism ABSOLUTELY needs to be extinguished i am not fighting anyone on that at all. Being a legit stan is VERY VERY SCARY! and I dont mean arguing about charting stan I mean hacking airport security cameras stan (if you know you know unfortunately)

My personal hesitation in terms of putting hope into this changing though is we would need to do the following

Reduce the social capital tied to perceived authenticity

Remove profit motives tied to artists being accessible

Eradicate amanormativity

Build safe,accessible and thriving third spaces

Invest in psychiatric infrastructure and resources

Create a healthy culture that supports the notion that individuality and interdependence can exsist at the same time

Eradicate misogyny

Eradicate ageism

Eradicate racism

Eradicate classism

Eradicate ableism

Eradicate whorephobia (BIG ONE!! the amount of female/non binary stans that are wild about their targets because they feel like its the only safe place they can express their sexuality via fanfiction, fan erotic audios (which is new and the audio stuff i dont know too much about but its something I'm seeing more and more)amongst other things is a proportion that is tooooooo high!

And the list goes on and on and on honestly

(Added this poll on accident because I'm on mobile and it won't erase oooppss)

I dont know if any of this made sense I feel like I just blacked out and I'm coming to but yeah yell at me if you like or ignore this its just my thoughts about parasociality and the like okay byyeeeeee

[dootiexcupcake]

Final Round

First part

Second part

Pairing: Seungcheol x reader

Warnings: angst , toxic friendships , no happy ending

Tags: angst, Jeonghan comes back :D

Word count: 1.3k

A/N: this was a request for @enhacolor ! Also the final installment for this angst series :((. i dont wanna exhaust it and end up hating it so im capping it off here.

.·:¨ ✘♚✘ ¨:·.·:¨ ✘♚✘ ¨:·.·:¨ ✘♚✘ ¨:·.·:¨ ✘♚✘ ¨:·.

Two weeks. It took two weeks for you and Seungcheol to get to where you guys are right now.

Last week when you called him he finally decided to pick up and the conversation was…strained to say the least. But you kept your hopes up and had Jeonghans reassuring words playing in your head to stop you from crying on the phone with Seungcheol as he gave you curt answers to your questions.

That didn’t stop you from sobbing as soon as you hung up though.

But today is a new day, right? After your phone call with him you guys agreed to meet up at your place to talk things over officially. So that’s a good start.

You’re pacing back and forth in your living room when you hear a knock at the door.

You open the door and give Cheol a warm smile and he returns it with a tight smile. You both wordlessly make your way over to the living room and sit next to each other on the couch, giving the other ample amount of space to not cause any discomfort that could lead to another dispute.

“So,” you start “how are things?” This all feels so strange. You guys have known each other long enough to not have these sort of awkward conversations anymore. 

Why am I making it so weird?

“Everything is fine.” He affirmed. It was the first word he’s spoken to you since he walked in. First time in weeks since you’ve heard his voice in person. 

God…you really missed him.

“But..we should definitely talk about what happened.” His posture straightens as he starts to get more serious, finally looking at you instead of the carpet.

“Yeah. Do you wanna start?”

“No, I wanna hear you first. I didn’t hear you out last time so….I’m gonna do that now.” His tone was uncharacteristically soft, like he was trying his hardest not to upset you. It confused you but you dismissed it as him just trying to be nice.

“Oh uh well..I-I’m just hurt by what you said, you know? I mean, I understand that you have been dealing with a lot at work too! I didn’t mean to stress you out even more.” Hearing the tone of your own voice come off so small makes you squeeze your eyes shut and shake your head, mentally kicking yourself for being so unsure of everything single thing you say and do. You hate to say it but, it sounds so… childish. 

‘I definitely could have worded that to sound less…pitiful.’

“No you’re right.” Seungcheol replies, he rest a hand on your shoulder to dissipate the stress building up within you. A gesture you are familiar with from him, but today it feels so very different. So foreign.

“I’m sorry for how I reacted. It was uncalled for and rude. You’re my friend and I shouldn’t ever treat you like that.” He graciously apologizes. You’re taken aback by his words, it’s not like he’s never apologized before. But the way he worded it so unnatural, his flat tone of voice, the way he was looking in your direction but never directly at you. It felt strange.

The atmosphere in the room is indescribable. You desperately want to assume Seungcheol is just acting weird because of how things went last time. It was a tense argument. One that neither of you have had with each other before. Obviously the aftershocks of it would put anyone on edge for a while.

However the other part of you feels some dishonesty emanating off of him. Why Seungcheol would supposedly lie about his apology doesn’t make sense to you. But that doesn’t ease the nagging voice in the back of your head insisting that is the truth.

“I wanna apologize to you too. When I called you cold and..distant. it really wasn’t ok for me to just come after you like that.” You look at him, you’re genuinely apologetic and you hope he can see it on you face. Seungcheol looks away from you momentarily, you see his face tense but it happens so quickly you can’t pin point exactly what emotion he expressed. He looks back at you and shrugs his shoulders and lazily shakes his head.

“I forgive you. I would have said the same thing if I was in your place.” He says, another tight smile brandishing his face.

You know Seungcheol well enough to see right through that blatant lie. This man is bold and he will always tell it like it is. You were holding back when you said that to him.  He, respectfully, would not have. Instead, he would have straight up asked why you were avoiding him.

“Look, this whole situation was really messy. We’re both sorry and that’s all that matters, right?” He says matter of factly.

“I guess..”

“Right! So, let’s just put this all behind us and move on. I really missed you, you know.” Seungcheols shoulders relax and his face softens. It all looks so natural, unlike everything else he’s been doing this whole time. You furrow you eyebrows at him wondering why he was being so hasty with this conversation. “How about we meet up next week and get some lunch? Just try and get back into the swing of things so everything can get back to normal.” He suddenly proposes.

“Um yeah, I-i’ll let you know if I’m free.”

“Great!” Seunghceol practically leaps out of the couch and heads to the doorway. “See you around!”

And he’s gone. 

Everything is back to normal now…

“Tell me everything he said.” Jeonghan urged on the other side of the phone. Audibly just as perplexed as you are with this whole ordeal. So you tell him everything.

You tell him how fast the conversation went by, how weird Seungcheol was acting the whole time, how dismissive he was.

“God this dude…” Jeonghan mumbled angrily, “I’m so sorry that he messed all of this up for you. That is so not ok.”

Messed this up?

“What do you mean by that Hannie?” You ask after a brief pause.

“Well, I mean by him messing things up between you guys, you know?” He said quickly. You can’t see it but by the tone of his voice, you know for a fact that he’s toying with the hem of his shirt. He always did that when he gets anxious.

“Jeonghan…” you say slowly, voice dropping dangerously low as you try to pull whatever it is he’s hiding out of him.

The line goes silent for a while.

Until he finally speaks up.

“I talked to him.”

Why did that not surprise you?

“He didn’t like you being upset at him for so long so he called me and asked me for advice on what to say to make you…get over it. That’s what he said at least. I’m not saying that you need to ‘get over it’ though!” He stammered over his words, desperately trying to justify himself. After a while of you not responding he lets out a sigh, “He’s been busy, real busy! You know that. He’s not thinking straight is all. Deep down he really does mean his apology its just..not showing yet.”

You let his words wash over you like a thunderstorm. 

Too busy to properly apologize? Not thinking straight enough to care? So caught up in his work he had his buddy feed him lines to read off?

huh.

“I gotta go.” Is all you gave as a reply. Too numb to truly tell Jeonghan how much this hurt you. Too emotionally overdrawn to explain how stupid this all makes you feel. 

So stupid for forgetting the fact that Jeonghan has known Seungcheol longer than you. So stupid for thinking that you were special enough to ever be accepted in their friend group.

Jeonghan speaks up again for the last time, cutting you out of your thoughts.

“I’m sorry.”

main m.list

svt m.list

[katetorias]

Me who hyperfixates on plurality about to go off about that anon hate (not just to defend you but also i really wanna talk about it)

People like you are the exact reason that people DONT talk about their experiences online and come out as plural. Do you not understand how common it is for autistic systems to be fictive heavy?? It makes so much sense when you think about it for more than a few seconds, of COURSE an autistic system is going to absorb their comfort characters, literally what do you want us to do????? And you cannot garentee Melody has only one other headmate since the whole fucking point of the disorder is for you not to know wtfs going on in there, but also even if that was the case some systems just dont split easy and have a higher tolerance to stress and spliting. You only need two distinct personalities to be plural my guy, maybe prins one other headmate just so happens to be a fictive, big fuckin whoop, get over it. You're literally helping no one by assuming things of strangers on the internet and shaming them into hiding again. I wish I could be more tactful and poise but this just makes me really upset, cause people like you need to grow up. Melody had no obligation to even tell prins followers about this deeply personal thing, but this is important to prin and mfers need to do better to be kinder.

I get you're upset, theres so much misinformation out there it's not always easy to know who is or isnt lying. Do try to keep in mind that being kind to Melody will do so much more good than immediately spitting in prins face and shunning prin forever without even giving prin a chance. I think you'll make yourself a lot happier too once you stop caring so much about randos online and be more open minded.

Melody, Im genuinely so happy you are sharing your experiences at any stage of your syscovery, its always a light in the dark to see more people online share apart of themselves, esp plural experiences AND especially the good and the bad that can come with it. You are doing amazing. I dont want to put pressure on you or put you on a pedestal, but I just want you to know to put you and your collective first, stay safe, and that being you (and yourselves) is self care and hope for the rest of us out there. (and sorry for the long ask ^^)

wow ty!! u dont have to apologize for the long ask I love reading asks!! this is very sweet and it comforts me ^^

[gawdilykeu]

guys i have my perfect byler endgame 2024 storyline…

my vision is so clear i have it all figured out i need to get into the writers room expeditiously.

so obviously i think the truth of wills (and everyones) feelings will come out through the painting lie being unraveled, and i think first thatll happen in a conversation between mike and el.

mike will be confused about why things still feel weird between him and el after the monologue and all that, and things will be sorta tense between them with all this miscommunication. he did what he was supposed to right? said what he was supposed to? and he knows how el feels too and how shell always need him and everything, because will told him, so why are things still wrong? so finally he confronts her so they can finally have a real talk since everything went down because he needs to figure out whats causing the tension so they can go back to normal.

this is where the truth finally starts to come out. mike asks el why shes been distant and she sorta expresses how she felt about what he said in the monologue and how things still didnt feel right to her. how things he said didnt make sense and through tears she says she didnt know if she fully believed him. and of course mike gets defensive and is like “what? el why wouldnt you believe me?” and shes still sorta crying, really similar to the season 4 fight and shes like “you loved me from the moment you saw me? youve never been scared of me? mike i’m not stupid i’ve felt it. why did you lie?” and then mikes of course spluttering a little and still defensive and is like “okay, okay. maybe i- i was panicking and embellished some things but it doesnt change how i feel now, okay? im sorry, i was just- so scared of losing you and i thought if i said what you needed to hear youd be okay and then we could figure it out and be okay again. okay? but i didnt lie about how i feel now, about being afraid of losing you, and how special you are. i promise.”

and el has a sad teary little smile and is like “mike, what i needed was for you to tell the truth. no more lies.. from both of us.” she takes in a breath, and mike is watching her, looking a little hurt and confused still. “im sorry for lying about lenora. i just- i get scared of what you think about me, sometimes. how you see me. i feel like i have to- show you that i am good, and special, like you say. even without my powers.” mike looks even more confused, and tears are welling in his eyes as he processes this new truth. el lets out a watery little laugh. “trying to be a girlfriend is hard, sometimes. i think sometimes, maybe we dont always understand each other.” shes looking at mike now with a more serious look in her eyes, hoping he understands her now.

mike finally speaks, still tears in his eyes, asking earnestly. “but- but el, what about.. what about the painting? and needing me? i thought i made you feel better about being different. i thought i- i thought i- helped. or- that you saw me as- ”

“what painting?” el is genuinely confused.

mike is almost begging at this point, defiantly trying to hold on to the truth hed been given those weeks ago that hed been living off of since, that had kept him going through this all. “el, the painting you told will to make for me, remember? about the heart? about how you see me as- how i lead the party?” he feels the pieces falling apart as he says it, feels how it doesnt make sense the more he explains it out loud. a painting of the party? in a dnd role-playing scene? el not even in the picture? he cant remember a time hed even talked about dnd to el. doesnt know if she even knows how it works. and shes still looking at him, completely perplexed. his mind is filling with a dull buzz.

“mike i- im sorry. i didnt tell will to paint anything.”

the buzz is louder. “what?” they look at each other, both trying to understand what the other person is saying. “so then, you didnt- help will with the painting?”

she shakes her head.

“you didnt- you didnt tell him that- that im the heart? and you need me?”

“mike- ” she grabs his hands. “i do need you, in my life, i just- i think i need to find my own strength, too. i need to grow more, on my own.”

mike processes this. a tear slips down his cheek but he nods firmly, starting to settle these new pieces into place and deciding to push the missing ones aside to worry about later.

“and i think- i think we both could be happier, if we dont have to worry about this- pretending and how we see each other. i think we make each other- try too hard sometimes. to be something were not. even if we dont mean to.”

both of them let out a little laugh and mike grips her hands tighter, both crying lightly.

“im sorry el, i- ” mike doesnt know what to say.

“its okay, mike.” she smiles. “i, care for you so much too.”

they both laugh again, more genuine this time, lightening the emotions for a second.

“promise?” mike asks, serious now.

she squeezes his hands. “promise.”

he nods quickly again and takes a deep breath. “okay. okay.”

they sit in silence for a moment, hands still intertwined.

she gives him a half smile. “friends?”

he smiles back. “yeah, sure. best friends.” and they pull each other into a tight hug, still sniffly on both ends.

and THEN after the healthy mutual mileven break up that everyone deserves, they get to start over as friends on a more healthy level for both of them. things slowly become more comfortable between them as they get to know each other better, but things between mike and will are now tense where just before this they were great. mike is still stewing over those missing pieces of the puzzle, and they all revolve around the painting. now that hes figured things out with el, what the hell was that painting about? and why did will lie to him? will never lies to him. he cant stop thinking about it. he tries to figure it out on his own, but he cant seem to find the missing pieces. hes hurt and confused that will would lie like that, because he thought things were good between them again, and he doesnt get why he would just make that stuff up when it wasnt true, especially because he knew how mike felt. mike had bared his soul to will about his insecurities and doubts, and will just lied to him and gave him false hope. that was what hurt the most, finding out that no one actually did see mike like that and need him like that and feel that way about him. he shouldve known it was too good to be true, but hed been so desperate to believe those words because theyd been everything hed ever wanted to hear. stupid. and again, seriously, what the hell was up with that goddamn painting? what was it even for?

will had seemed confused and hurt when mike suddenly became distant towards him again. and when word had gotten around the group that mike and el had broken up, the energy between him and will only got weirder, and now it sorta felt like they had both been avoiding each other. so maybe will knows now, that mike knew he lied to him. well, mike had had enough, and he decides to cut the bullshit and finally confront him about it.

in the midst of the looming apocalypse (only about a week or two after mike and el break up, maybe. however long they can fit into like two episodes while feeling the most fitting), mike finds an opportunity to catch will alone. maybe its outside in the rain, maybe its in the upside down, maybe its in mikes basement, maybe its a mix of some of those, whatever. i havent mapped out any ideas for the actual plot of season five just the byler stuff idk what they have planned. but anyway. theyre finally alone. and mike breaks the awkward tension by saying something like “why did you lie to me will?”

will looks a little like a deer caught in headlights. “what?”

“its just whatever with the whole ‘friends dont lie’ thing then i guess, right?”

“what do you mean?”

“will, come on, you know what i mean. the painting?”

wills face turns red, and he looks hesitant to say anything, not sure what mike has figured out and what he hasnt.

“all that stuff about el ‘always’ needing me? how i made her feel like shes not a mistake at all?”

still nothing from will.

“yeah, well, when we broke up, we finally had a real talk about everything, and turns out she didnt say any of that shit. she didnt need me in the way i thought she did, and she had no idea about the painting she supposedly commissioned. so what the hell was all that about? why did you lie to me will?”

“im sorry, i just- i was just trying to help.”

“trying to help? so giving me false hope about my failing relationship is ‘helping’, somehow. why would you tell me she felt that way when she didnt?”

“i didnt know that she didnt! jesus, i didnt even know you guys were having problems until you got to lenora.”

“so you just decided to assume how she felt about me, and how she saw me, just pull something out of your ass? cause theres no risk there right?”

“i didnt pull it out of my ass! how could someone not see you that way?”

a short beat.

“what?”

will falters, embarrassed and wondering if hes revealing too much, but he presses on. “i mean- i just couldnt stand hearing you say those things about yourself. about how you were just ‘some random nerd’, like you were nothing special and only got lucky, because you- you are special. and i just- i just needed to show you that. and i figured el did feel that way. and i thought- if i just told you those things, youd feel more sure about things with el, because- ” hes rambling, and mike cuts him off with a quiet revelation.

“it was you.”

will stops, and they stare at each other. the missing pieces start to fall into place.

“it was you this whole time. the painting, everything you said, it was all from you, wasnt it?”

will lets out a shaky breath and his hands stutter. but he doesnt say no.

“everything about- about being different, and- ” its all starting to catch up to mike at once and he stares at will, eyes wide, and will cant tell what it is hes seeing. “wait was that- was that the painting youd been working on?before i came to lenora? i-” he shakes his head in disbelief, as if trying to get the thoughts to settle inside. “tell me will, its you, right?”

a pause.

“yeah.” his voice is quiet, and mike gapes, frozen.

will stands firm, fists clenched at his sides, resigning to his fate. he continues, voice louder, but he cant stop it from wavering completely. “yeah. i am different, okay? and troy and- and my dad and everyone were right.” he says this with some bitterness. his eyes rapidly fill with tears. “everyone was right about me, and im sorry- and maybe part of you knew that part, but… but im sorry it had to be you.” the tears begin to fall. he sounds quieter again. “but its always been you. since we were kids its been you.”

theres a long silence as the confession hangs in the air. wills shoulders are slumped, seemingly drained from the effort of holding onto this for so long for it to now finally be released, and his fists are unclenched. hes looking at the ground, crying quietly, avoiding looking directly at mike.

mikes eyes have tears in them too, and he looks at will in disbelief. he makes a few steps towards him.

“will.”

will finally looks back up at him, and they lock eyes. mikes looking at him like hes seeing him for the first time. a decade of memories are flashing behind his eyes, all now painted with a new light, and everything, everything finally falls into place. questions he didnt even know he had, didnt know he was even allowed to ask, are now being answered, and everything makes more sense than it ever has.

wills eyes shift between mikes, not daring to draw any conclusions. “what?”

theyve gotten even closer.

“this- this entire time, my whole life, ive been looking for you.”

will is holding his breath and lets out an invisible little gasp, staring at mike with wide glistening eyes. the weight of what mike is saying joins the already thick air, and both are unable to speak right away. but they are both beginning to understand.

“ive been looking for you and- and i guess i kept running into el instead, but- ”

everything is whirring. mike takes the final step so that theyre only a handful of inches apart and he slowly raises his hand to wills cheek. hes still looking at him in disbelief. will cannot believe this is happening. this is something hed never dared to hope for, much less something hed ever dare to ask for. everything else is fuzzy and he can only feel mikes hand on his cheek, can only see mikes face, can only hear mikes voice.

“but hey, i found you now, right?”

“right..” wills almost whispering too. hes shaking. “mike, wh- ”

“just wait, i need to see something, okay?”

will nods. “okay.”

mike inches even closer.

“is this okay?”

will nods again. everything feels hot.

mike cups wills face with both hands and looks down at him for another moment. they glance at each others lips and its not subtle. mike looks like he cant believe what hes about to do, will looks like he cant believe it either, and then, with a burst of courage, eyebrows knitted in determination, mike grips wills face and swoops in and kisses him firmly on the lips.

its only a second, and they seperate and stare at each other again, both looking like they could almost cry with relief. they share in a brief overwhelming oh moment and immediately crash back together, this time with will bringing his hands up to grab mikes hair and back. they have a few passionate moments, releasing all this pent up yearning and overwhelming feelings, before breaking apart again and having a forehead touch moment that melts into a tight, real hug with their hands in each others hair as they laugh-cry together.

and voila thats where we leave that scene and then byler endgame and they get to be a little couple for the last few episodes through the final events. and everyone is supportive of course and we get lots of beautiful emotional moments there too with everyone accepting not only will but mike too and both of them together. the end byler endgame that is my vision stranger writers pleeaasseeee let me in please i have it wired.

[semiotomatics]

cant sleep as uʒ, gonna wordvomit if you dont mind

its really fucking scary to notice yourself changing. like, even if its good changes. idk maybe its just me and my hyper-rigid sense of self but like. i need to be able to feel like i understand myself, and when that understanding starts to slip it. uhh. it freaks me out a lil.

honestly that was one of the scariest parts of finally going on medication for my mental issues. like, do i want to be happy and have energy and not be scared and vaguely suicidal all the time? yes, of course i do. but theres a part of me thats also like. but thats all ive ever known. thats who i am. when you take it away whats gonna fill the empty space?

and like. i kinda feel like im starting to find out. i mean, im still not cured by any stretch of the imagination, but i have noticed improvements, as well as just. changes (neutral). or maybe its changes (terrifying). changes in how i feel, how i think, what i want.

like. for example. ive considered myself ace since the day i first heard the word as a teen, and tho my romantic orientation has always been kinda ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, ive been considering myself aro for all intents and purposes for years. and i love being aroace. its genuinely a vital aspect of my identity. it feels right. but yeah. lately there have been changes.

and that was exactly what i was worried would happen! cause "you're not aro/ace, youre just depressed" is such a common aro/acephobic argument, one that i myself have been told and have argued against, even though i realized it was technically a possibility.

and i know theres nothing wrong with it if that does end up being the case here. i know it doesnt invalidate my aroaceness up till now, i know it doesnt invalidate anyone else's aro/aceness, i know its okay. but still. im scared of the change.

so yeah, thats a bit of what ive been grappling with for the past few weeks. as things stand now, i still consider myself aroace, i just. want a different kind of relationship rn than ive ever wanted before. whether it would be considered romantic or queerplatonic or what i dont know.

i also have no idea at all how to go about actually, like, getting that kind of relationship. all of a sudden all the allo media ive consumed makes so much more sense to me. this shits hard!! by comparison being aroace is a goddamn piece of cake (pun absolutely intended).

anyway. yeah. i always seem to have these thoughts at night when i cant sleep, and i just. needed to get them out. if youve read this far, you have my sincere admiration 💚 im gonna go collapse into a ball and try to figure out what the fuck i want in life lol

[krystalin3]

I had a nightmare about my flavor of neurospice

my nightmare was a breakup

What triggered the breakup was that i was mad, exhausted because i was pushed and pushed into social situation after social situation. But i stuck around because its part of being with her.

Then, i have to turn on the pick up truck we own, and i accelerate its loud engines a lot. And while it is true that i was trying to accelerate the car to warm it up. I also was mad and taking my anger out on the car.

But i was also on another level aware.. aware that if i accelerated like this, my partner would hear it. And she will be forced by my acceleration, pushed, by the knowledge of my anger to leave. And on some level i revelled on that thought. Cause i wanted to do that.

But i also did not, i wanted to be responsible. I wanted to be kind. It doesnt matter what i feel, i did this to myself by choosing to tolerate as much as i did.

So i go inside and i tell her:

"Hey, i know i reved the car, but it does not mean anything, i was just warming up the car."

Which is true, and also not true, but it doesnt matter, this is the truth i wanted to be true, the one that i wanted reality to be.

My partner, with the help of her friend get mad at me. Emboldenned, the reving is the truth, the other is a lie. "You are being abusive and we wont tolerate any more of it."

I see whats happening very clearly. They saw the patterns of my behaviour, my reasoning, my way of living in multiple realities. And saw it as me being narcisistic, manipulative, a liar who just wants everything to be about myself only. I will never accept i was wrong.

Now my partner creates a boundary. She will not let me in, unless i accept what i did.

On some level, i know i just have to become a sad worm and say im sorry and say the things i did wrong, and promise never to do it again.

But i did not want to, i wanted her to see the truth. To know that while i did say what i said, it doesnt mean what i want is to hurt them. It doesnt mean i am twisting reality to keep her.

And so i dont want to be sad and tell her i was wrong, that minimizes me, minimizes the truth of what i experienced, reduces it to her perspective alone... no, it needs to have everything.

But as soon as i begin to try to argue for this, she stops me, says she is offended that the first thing i thought of was to try to convince her of something instead of asking for her not to leave.

This is big, i can see exactly why she would feel that way, i crossed a line, i did not enphasize her feelings, i did not make it about her and her alone, i did not give everything to be with her. But I keep wanting to have her see everything in me, all its contradictions, i keep believing she will understand.

With me not asking her to stay, she protects herself, she chooses to no longer listen, to push me away, to choke me emotionally by not letting any of my attempts to explain come out.

All my explanations are lies to her, worms trying to manipulate her.

The idea of her leaving, of my words meaning nothing, of me trying to explain things, dissapearing... becoming only what she sees. Makes me deeply sad, a realization i will loose this person i care so much about, care, what can be considered love. Because i care about her being with me. That should be considered something like love.. maybe its not care, maybe its want... i want her here, and tht just hapoens to turn into acts of care. I may not care in the traditional sense... but maybe that is just how i love? it has to... right?...

She sees me sad, about to cry, and she sees my genuine emotion as manipulation. As part of the process im using to trick her into staying, into ignoring what i did.

The truck acceleration being just a microcosm of a much bigger problem long ignored somehow by me. Never addressed because she looked fine, she never complained... or did she?

Its a dream, i have no context of the relationship before now, just a vague sensation of history only in dreams can be so intense and real.

As she sat in her car, what looks like a volkswagon, i run out, my desperate last move that could turn the tides.

"I have @$^^$#"

Surely if she hears that she will listen to me. Ive set the stage, sent videos and talked about what it could mean to be like that. All she needs is to be open to the possibility that my brain is different. We can start over with honesty about how i experience the world. Help each other to underatand why we do what we do. To not ignore each other.

I ask her, i beg her to please let me say just one thing.

And she is self righteous, empowered, obviously sad and furious, but resolved in her truth. She said "no, i will not let you manipulate me." Indignant that even as she drives away i wanted to put a seed of doubt, instead of just admitting i was wrong.

My soul crumbles, it is like the deepest hole in my chest and it pulls in every feeling into its dark abyss. The gravity of which starts to hurt in ways i cant tolerate.

The room of what was our apartment is a montage of a transiense of people sitting in my chair. And i put heroin or some kind of drug in me to try to numb this pain.

And what is my pain?

The existential nightmare that my truth is not real because i dont feel like everyone does. That my affections are too distant and uninvolved to be true.

i AM selfish but my selfishness does not mean i lack the consideration and time i put for the people around me. That i sacrifice what i want to give people what they need to have a good time.

And this, which had meaning before to them, suddenly does not have meaning because i refused to... no.. i did not have the natural ability to feel the same way. To do these things out of "love" in the traditional sense.

What an valuable and intense dream... ive learned a lot from it...

Use dreams to learn about yourself people.

[protobrieile]

ok i kind went ham on this way more than i was expecting to so um. page break LOL

⬇️wrote all this first, then the above lines afterward

more vagueposting in the same vein but

wow. i dont have the words for how i am feeling and continuing to feel and i keep trying to pretend that it's something like "im losing my mind" but in fact i have literally never felt more sane about this. i have never felt so aware and understanding and like it all makes perfect sense as i do now. i have never been so able to reflect on overcoming a fear that lasted so long but i barely even registered it as such until recently. every time i have tested the waters up until this point i was immediately dealt a strong urge to completely abandon ship and immerse myself in something that i could guarantee not to remind me of it but now all of a sudden even when i expected that to happen it didn't. and then i tried it again two nights later still expecting to wake up in the morning wanting nothing to do with it and i didn't. and again today and i just think that maybe it is actually for real. maybe i actually genuinely might have possibly truly overcome my fear of falling back in and losing myself again which had been gripping me for an entire year without me even truly realizing it. and not only is that part of it weird to recognize but also it is actually entirely unfamiliar to me because i also no longer fear what i dont know. things ended up the way they did last year in part because i was so afraid of not knowing things for sure and i ultimately let that fear take over and by the time i even barely started to realize how much i had lost my sense of self i had already caused so much pain that i couldnt see because i could only focus on my own pain caused by my fears. because prior to that point i could only ever appease the parts of myself that were still insecure by not allowing myself to believe what was actually true all along. i spent years forcing myself to not even consider it and it's not that i regret because past is past and things had to go in the way that they did for reasons i may not be able to directly comprehend and they still do so but it's not about Knowing Why. it's about accepting what you know to be true and trusting in that truth and moving forward with it. i couldnt have ever possibly been healthy about this until i stopped asking Why and always waiting for something outside of myself to determine what the truth was. i had to learn to find my own answers through observation and to trust myself enough to believe that what i was seeing and the sense i was making was valid and real and Enough. and even now that i can do so i still can say there's so much i dont know and so many things that i dont know enough about to explain or define or extrapolate from but the difference is that it doesnt bother me anymore. it doesnt bother me that i dont know what any given person is thinking of me or that i dont have a concrete plan of what my life will look like. and it doesnt bother me that i dont know every single possible factor that is making it so that i can listen to my favorite band again without an immediately following adverse reaction for the first time in a year at surface and honestly the whole fucking time to be completely fucking real with you. it doesnt bother me that my entire belief system revolves around unanswerable questions and imperceivable reasoning because i trust myself. i trust in the fact that i am not and will never be in complete control of everything that makes up the concept of Myself and it doesn't bother me at all because it simply just means i have nothing to worry about. i don't have to be anxious and i don't have to be afraid of the unknown because i know that it's unknown for a reason. and that reason isnt mine to define nor is it anyone elses responsibility to do so. and even though the idea of all this isnt anything new to me, until now i would still not be able to help myself from thinking of the If Only. if only i could somehow make other people see what i see. if only other people knew what i had learned and could see things the way i see them then they wouldn't have to be anxious or afraid anymore either. but that just simply is not

something i can do. that is not something i am meant to do. if it were that easy we'd all be helping each other out in that way but it's not and there is nothing for us as individuals to do other that acknowledge that truth as such and work around it. and god ive always known that this isnt really about the band and it really isnt about him and if i go the entire rest of my life without us ever having another conversation well i would be just fine. i would still do what makes me happy and fulfilled and i would still enjoy my life and it wouldnt bother me because id still be trusting in myself and id know that thats what is meant for me. it's just the thing about it is ive known that for over a year now and ive understood that to be a potential outcome but i just dont think i can say "and ive accepted it as a possible truth" because that just isn't how the truth works. there isnt a "possible" truth, there is simply the truth. there is one string connecting through every single moment of time that can only be described as "this is how it happened" and that is what the truth is. and we as humans don't get to identify the truth until it has passed, yet we spend so much time coming up with possibilities and preparing ourselves for 1000 different outcomes of which we think the truth might look like and all 1000 of them are inaccurate because we just aren't capable of doing that kind of thing. and i could say what i said before to someone and it would be a fairly normal thing to say to anyone because we all make these kinds of claims but when you believe wholeheartedly that you arent in control of the truth it just feels like a sad excuse for a defense mechanism. "oh i'll just say it like this so he can see that im open and accepting of the future regardless of how it turns out" like sorry not sorry but that kind of thinking is what made me fall into a hole in the first place. not only was i focusing on someone else OVER myself but also. I DONT GET TO CONTROL WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS!!! And once again!!! You dont need to feel bad or anxious about what other people think of you. You have to acknowledge the truth - that you can't control them - and WORK!!! WITH!!!! IT!!!!!!!

and at this point the only truth i know is this. This band was put into my life for a reason. That man was dropped in front of me. ok more like i was dropped in front of him but whatever who cares semantics. To impact my life in such a way that facilitated all the growth that got me to this point. It doesnt matter "whether it would have happened if i hadnt met him" because there is only one way things happened. There is only one string of truth threading all of these moments together. I dont need to justify my adherence to the truth with "Even if x thing happens" because literally who cares none of us can do anything about that and pretending that we are somehow capable of completely controlling things is literally the root of all conflict in this world. And there are still plenty of things i dont know. Even about this situation. Even about myself. and there are a lot of things i will never know. but i know what my favorite band is. and I know that for the first time in my entire life i can listen to them and be healthy at the same time. so that's wild

[garpond]

shit im not proud of under the cut

i think im just in the "trying to figure out WHY this is happening to me" stage of coming to terms w being trans but i just genuinely wish i could figure out like. aside from the shitty treatment we get from society, that obvs makes sense, Why is gender dysphoria so upsetting? What makes it that way? Why do I genuinely want to blow my brains out right here and now over this? What are the stakes? it feels so abstract and weird to me right now, please don't take offense to this im not integrating this into my worldview or trying to claim that i view it as an inherently weird thing or a non-issue... I just feel so much frustration with myself and I'm really not thinking clearly and I think I have a lot of internalized transphobia to work through but. I just can't comprehend why I'm so upset. Why it matters so much. I don't feel this same kind of distress when I think about the other things I don't think I'll ever have in life even though they feel like in a practical sense they should be more important... why do I feel like I'd be 100% okay with never being able to live my own life away from my abusive family or have friends or fall in love or ever make a meaningful connection irl with another human being again, if only I could be a man during it? Why is THAT the most viscerally distressing of it all? I look at myself and as soon as i Notice that I'll never be what I want to be I just want to enact so much sickening violence on me that it makes me ill to think about. What the fuck causes that? I know I'm not supposed to feel like there's something wrong with me but there are times when i really really think somethings wrong with me. or at least i understand why a majority of society would view me as psychosexually disturbed because of this or think my trauma cased this by fucking my brain up. like i just cant find an explanation, can't grasp why my self image and perception of who I am is so important to me when I should be worrying about freedom and safety instead. i just dont get it and im tired. theres nothing i can fucking do about it or any of it. i want to go back to not thinking about it but i cant

[crabbable]

i need to get a tattoo on my arm of a reminder to myself that reads "please do not try psychedelics ever you are too mentally ill for that"

while my bf was visiting after halloween i thought "i'll take an edible and watch a horror movie i wanna be scared >:)" and had the worst panic attack of my life watching the vvitch for a second time. it literally felt like i was living out their lives as the movie played out. the scene where that kid died was the worst shit i ever experienced.

since then i have a deeper grasp on like, what people with dementia or other neurological dysfunctions may be experiencing. does that correlation make sense? i was so fucked up off that genuine california poison brownie i understood their mental states at a core level, and now i have the magical ability to understand what kind of things happen to a brain that is misfiring on all cylinders.

obviously its not like im experiencing it firsthand. but all i can explain it as is a deep understanding sensation. it fills me up and makes me scared and confused. it applies to the fear a kid feels towards something we find mundane, dementia and rabies i dont fucking know dont make fun of me. maybe my mind just is vivid in its imagination of these to where it feels real but imagining what it must be like to be in these situations To Me feels like some of the most overstimulating nightmare experiences you can imagine. maybe its just that dementia is already a... not a phobia... But it worries me sick. and thinking about an undeveloped mind's perception of the world is interesting and scary (including children and animals both).

i've In General been staying away from certain kinds of horror. for a good chunk of time i was watching like Shrouded Hand on youtube all the time but it honestly ended up just becoming a form of self harm i wasn't even aware i was doing. that type of horror is just too fuckin much for me!!! i would feel like shit all the time because i'd be watching his (And others vids) about like. torture and diseases and all this horrible shit. and i thought that's all i needed to stay away from but i've had a very "Heightened" mental state lately and i guess its time to stay away from Most of it. sucks cause i really like horror but i need a break until whatever this manic moment is.

i've just been a complete mental case lately. agitated and hormonal and manic I BET ITS THAT DAMNNNNN FINASTERIDE!!!! and also my boyfriend no longer being here when he was here for a month and every day was the best day ever now my brain is having to recalibrate. in winter. my brain feels like its gonna pop

[whatagirlwants]

I’m not trying to be confrontational and I know you want to talk about other things, but why is it vicious that he might have feelings for Olivia again? He was very mad at her for a while but then potentially being on okay terms and him catching feelings again doesn’t seem evil. Is it because you think he’s using her for clout and that these aren’t genuine feelings? Or because him having these feelings proves that he was still into her when he was with Sabrina?

no its okay u can ask if u have questions about this topic.

vicious in a sense why sabrina finds him vicious? its more than just him suddenly having feelings for olivia. i mean she sings about it: its the way he left her and the way things went down between them, the back and forth with him. he cant makeup his mind. i think theres layers to it and especially with those 2 things were complex for months even after they “brokeup”

tbh just my opinion from all this; i think s feels used cause he jumped from that relationship to having a relationship with her and then when shit hit the fan he couldnt take it and left.

i do think in some way he’s using o for attention. its no secret his tiktok comments are all jolivias any song he would post they’d always assume its for her. so in a way when he’s posting his lyrics now there or does things where it links him to O so it does mean its also for attention even if his feelings are genuine.

and we’ve seen S question him and his feelings for her in lonesome.

but yeah thats just how i see things idk id be pissed too. the guy brokeup with olivia the first time so fast so he could shoot his shot with sabrina… he wanted something from her then even if he was doing it unintentionally and actually liked her. but you dont just change your mind and leave and suddenly have confused feelings.

id be pissed too. id be like damn that guy cant make up his mind. S in lonesome she expresses feeling used like just an opportunity for him. he wanted a collab. she was more established. she has connections. she has recourses…etc

your question is a little off cause im not the one to call him vicious but i get why she felt that way or describe him as that in the song. and it was so many things in the song that she listed that made her call him vicious. the only thing she had to say about him and O is “when you’re insecure could be me could be her”. Sabrina’s hurt i think she feels like she wasted her time and its clear she never had answers thats what decode is about. theres no reason to understand things or try to fix things or understand why he left she just had to walk away too.

anyways back to ur question.. why do i find tha vicious? i just find that weird. he clearly has issues that he should’ve dealt with since 2020 instead he lead 2 girls on and had her wasting her time.

but oh well the musics good at least. it does feel like shes moved on but i dont think theres anything wrong with vicious. like i said if we just look at the situation the way it is and then listen to vicious like she has a right to be pissed off when she was and write it. cause that’s literally what happened.

[laverrez]

it's so interesting to look back at the past few years and how drastically ive changed. at the beginning of covid, i was in college and heavily under the grip of my alt-right qanon family. i was openly trans and queer at school, but my opinions on politics and gun control and the upcoming election and covid and police- they were all bad, terrible reflections of how incredibly carefully they cultivated my experience of media and discouraged any exploration i might have wanted to do. i couldnt for the life of me understand why i was having an impossible time connecting and socialising with other queers attending my college, while wearing one of those stupid copaganda blue stripe flag masks, not to mention the fact i'd take it off the moment i stepped outside regardless of proximity to others.

i was so ridiculously blind to how awful that was. my mindset was twisted to think masks were horrible dangerous things because my mother refused to wear one and wouldnt let me, either- i thought it made sense to avoid covering my face because it stunted my breathing, which is already difficult because of asthma. i thought the stupid pro-cop things were fine because my mom had been a cop, and when i was a small pale blonde southern baptist child, i had experiences where cops were directly beneficial in making sure i was safe, or so it seemed. i thought four more years of trump couldnt be too bad when the alternative was a bad that was unknown. i thought everyone (without a history of violence or unstable mental conditions) should have a gun for their own protection, and that violent protests were harmful to their causes.

all of those past beliefs make me want to cringe backwards because they're so horrendously bad and hollow even in their 'defenses' that i always held ready. i dont truly blame myself for them, because it was beyond unsafe for me to have any other opinions in the boondocks of the appalachian mountains. especially at home, when my family was abusive and any extra reason to make them question me couldve spelled any number of harm.

my intention isnt to defend myself for being pickme. i can acknowledge there were ways to be silently educated and not spread harm and misinformation, or bolster a lot of the idiots that i did in their own harmful beliefs. i shouldve been, but i have an incredible toughness at keeping my mouth shut when i form strong values, and that's exactly what's happened as ive become more educated. im not tolerant of the hate and the stupidity anymore, and existing in that state while at home wouldve been dangerous, so i chose my priorities while having a vague awareness that i was doing something wrong without fully knowing why.

i regret that, genuinely. hindsight tells me i only hurt myself further by being cowardly, and that i caused harm to my community, too. it's incredibly liberating now, as an adult, to be able to stay educated (as i possibly can, without further blowing my mental health to shreds). to be able to be vocal about how wrong i was, and how wrong so many things are right now. to be able to feel indignant and angry at everything that's happening to people all across the states, across a country i was always told to be proud of and used to want to defend, but now cannot see a single thing good enough to balance even a sliver of all the bad. to be able to do good where i can to try to fix what harm i caused. to just do good for the sake of helping people that are hurt by this horrible government that's stomping on us.

i have come a long way, but i still have a long way to go. some of the progress is new, very new- but im doing my best to educate myself on the fact that ALL cops *ARE* bad, regardless, that the only reason anyone would need a gun for safety in the first place is because our country is so unbelievably unsafe for anyone who isnt an allocishet white man, and that violent protests are the only way to get anything done and have historically been what leads to positive change. im finding myself more and more passionate about these things all the time, and im so glad that im able to watch the people around me and learn from them. im thankful for the people who have been patient with me. i look forward for all the progress im to make in the future.

[piplupod]

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