#but im freaking out a little bit but idk how to explain it properly

[zeeposting]

tired eepy rambler wamring very long and not good spelling I'm tired how do I add this in why isn't it working :( YAY I DID IT :D I'm so tired.

eaipugapbjnlkwe43uo3thfqww; keyboard= asmh

im tired

typing feels weird like my fingers feel heavier or something idk how to explain It

oh my golly gosh every time I blink like. not manually it feels sliike the lights fligkcerd like huh why do my eyes do that

im so tired yet hardly tired at the same time

my typing is so bad (sign of eepy) Im tearing up a bit I think (either sign of eepy or I got an eyelash in my eye) but also I don't really feel all that tired. but I am tireed

i wanna go home but I KNOW my parents are gonna be talking for SO LONG so I'll probably go home at 10 or something

i wish more of m friends were open to talk I want to annoy multiple of my friends like I wanna talk

im rambling but ioh well

irihhherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr pok uhhh what happening idk

maybe its home time? no I don't think so :(

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I just wanna hold my finger on one key I'm eepy

dude I forgot to write. LAC is postponed again, sorry gator you and the actual characters are going back to the "I always forget them" side of my brain oh my golly I coulda written more camp of keys!! except I have no idea where I'm going with that. uhh think think thinks what is this Pepsi ad??? anyways uhh.... what could hppen that would make sense.... maybe uhh... maybe wait is Ella going with them?? I don't think so. yeah no. okay so maybe storme says something and Clarissa basically goes back to depression mode?? but what would bring her back there. maybe Leah just starts getting all sad. and that makes clarissa sad. dude what if like I had an eepy story that I wrote more of every time I was eepy. like. no typing corrections, no thinking about it in the day, just every night when I think "oh I'm kinda eepy" I continue the story suighs I don't like having praces

bee Kay have it your way. you rule!

i want to write scroll and Quill lore but I don't at the same time. like I want to write it all out but also I have like no idea how that would work I have like half of it figured out what happened on that day I dunn!!! i love scroll and Quill sm like dude I justwant to hold them and talk to them and idk I just love those little gay freaks so much I love them and their lore and everyone involved in their story

when someone tells me they like one of my characters I have to draw thme nore tlike especially one o y friends like ryu ryu likes floe and that's why I'm gdaing globe so much more fonten because I want to make ryu happy like I just want to make my friends happy I don't really care about myself I just want them to be happy. i tell my friend that she can spam me jer worries int he private chat of this ma and her because I want her to feel btert, I don't really care I just want her to feel better.

m yypung is so bad because I'm so tired I guess but I don't really feel like fixing it. sorry I can translate in the morning but no ones gonna read this because who actuallycareas

i mean maybe ryu but like.why idk. maybe Milly. man idk

this is gonna turn into an acicnela vent or something but idrc I'm just tired ok??

tbh I don't feel like a good friend lately. idk o don't feel like elaborating but I do

in science we got to play jeopardy and the team names were so stupid

Jackie Likes Pencils, TikTok Rizz Party, Skibidy Stephen, The Billy Bus, Team Chicken Leg

(yes all of those are spelt properly I made sure of it. yes it was spelt skiidy ask inki.)

guess what team was me, inki, Ezra and ratthew comet? haha. team chicken leg. SOWA CREWMA!!!!!

man I'm tired. like eepy. super epy.

i love rue so much shes just a cute lotel pony and like she sjst so cute and I love her so much shes oh my gosh I miss Chico he's so cute and silly and goofy and funnyand I miss him.

i love my friends sm thank you

friend I wont name #1, bubblez, inki, Ezra, ryu, Milly, kit (asktrianglesblog rn), Abb, rabbit, friend I wont name #2, sapp, Ollie, zoe/fishy (I don't remember sorry) I love you all so so much

i want to cry a bit. so lets yap about something happier

should I make another character. yes

im thinking TANA melatonin for some reason. no not them stop it. dude I love TANA so much especially mug and battery and valentine they're so cool I cant wait for the actual thing to come out. or for it to come across my path idk if its actually gonna be a thing okay hmm what objects are around.

what abotu a gouwer. no that's basic plus I already have night. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee why si this kids bday party football themed dude you don't like football at least uve never said anything about it at least around me???

what aib0ut uhh.. random object generator help

yk I don't have a lot of characters with names that end in uy! so. hmm jammy. like a jar of ja,. what jams are there I don't think iev ever had jam

plum han!! jammy!! !rhehe silly. any pronouns. just a silly guy.

look at her shes so silly and so funny I love her already I don't want to give her lore she's just a silly farmer that makes jam and she gets soopu eepy like me when she doesn't have his jam beucae I said so. he's my eepy character. my ltiel eepy friend. I love him already just a silly farmer wait should he have a love interest? NO. aroace jammy. #aroacejammyforpresident2024

im rambling so much but I don't want to put on a keep on reading because do I care no. read to learn about jammy. lol what if someone read it as jimmy. Jimmy jammy. hheh,o orphan in black?? tv what are you talking about who is that.

oh no someone approaching AAA!! haha other side of the couch they are. why is my batter on re dnoo oh yeah hour 54 left

dude I knew I was gonna leave at 10 its 941 nd I'm still here.

jammy is so cute I love them so much. I should draw them more

hegegehe happy jammy

i don't like that noise :( loud

dude in so tired I'm fighting the urge to say dude in every sentance

what is arm lasseration? dhters a guy and he's a police guy or something familyy friend and he just got a call thing on the walkie talkie II and uhh he said "ooh lovely!{" "what" "arm lasseratioin" what does that mean.

ohh its like a cut. it breaks the skin. okayyy!!!

im gonna draw sad jammy because I feel like it :(

i love drawing on my d=touch screen computer its so fun

i fee like jammy should be my comfort character like I love them somuhc they're just my eepy gal

jammy no your half filled with juice jammy you need more jam your gonna die!!1 of EEPYJNES!!

aww look eeping jammy I love them so much I keep saying that but I love jammy they are a part of me I drew eepy jammy because I want to go jhome and sleep and think about scroll and Quill I don't think I'm gonna read tonight because I'm so tired and its interesting but dude I'm so tired I wanna go to sleep :(

i know I'm talking way too much but I don't care I'm eepy. there you get your keep on reading because I guess its too much

jammy I love you

i just wanna hug jammy and go to sleep in a /p kinda way I love them so much

dude jammy is just so cute I love them they look so huggable

OMG YAY HOME TIME!! YAYAYAYYAAYYA CHCRPUHOSUBWH:OU SCREMASS GINALLY HOME HOME HOME TIME YAYAYAYAYYA I'm so tired I want to sleep yeah that's all for this.

pleas draw jammy guys I love them.

dude I'm gonna look a this tomorrow and be so concerned

honk mimiii honk mimiii goodnight

[melancholy-barbie]

bras vent

maybe im being dramatic but im really angry. yesterday morning i was getting ready but all my tops were in my moms closet so i went there in my bra, she looked at me and asked if my boobs had gotten smaller?* and then she was like "why does your bra look wrong" and she came up behind me and started tightening the straps even though i kept saying stop and to leave them alone, and i was kinda twisting/stepping away (not very strongly tho so it wasnt like she held me down, as a disclaimer) but she just followed and was like "no it'll look wrong" like what?? a) i wear baggy clothes, it's not gonna show unless someone's staring obsessively. b) if someone *is* staring obsessively that's gross af?? esp because i don't go out often so it would have to be someone from my family, and c) WHO TF CARES. but we had to leave and i didnt have time to really think about it

but then later i kept finding more and more reasons i had the straps like that, and it was annoying as hell and then today i was like (offhandedly) "oh it's chafing because you tightened the straps" and she was like "you'll get bad posture and saggy breasts and need reduction surgery when you're older" and i cant say i've done much research but people i trust more have told me thats bs. and it's not like i was refusing to even wear one, i hate not wearing a bra! i just want it to be loose!! why is that so problematic?

and im so annoyed because we're just brainwashed into fixing ourselves for men and their standards and the consequence isn't just that we're "ugly" but that we're "unhealthy." and again it's mothers who teach misogyny to their daughters. women who continue the cycle. men have managed to offload even the bulk of our own oppression onto us.

*(not in a sexual or obsessed w my weight way tho, idk how to explain properly but it didnt feel creepy or freak me out, just a little bit weird but also mostly typical of her; also i have been losing weight quickly and the doc told us to watch that)

[piplupod]

.

[hollowedwing]

Isekai-ed into Hawk's Life

Hawks x gn!winged!Reader

Warnings: ⚠️ Death!(at very beginning, it is an isekai), mentions of death throughout, some angst(??maybe not yet??), slight cursing

THIS WILL NOT FOLLOW A SPECIFIC TIMELINE IN THE MANGA

(so sorry i just, love, love, the idea of having wings)

(this is all my art, it is on IG, im just too embarrassed for people who know me irl to potentially find this xD Even though none of them have tumblr 👀 if you somehow recognize it...props to you?)

_________________________________

tbh, I can’t decide if I want this to have more than 1 part. 

Word count: ~1,800

_________________________________

You were on your way home from a long evening at your part time job. Before that you had already taken 2 finals that morning too.

You dragged your feet, exhausted, as you headed towards the crosswalk. Stopping at the edge as the traffic light turned green, you decided to pull out your phone and decided to watch a speed paint from your favorite artist who recently released a new video.

It just so happened it was a Hawks speed paint 👀

The light turned red and you slipped your phone into your pocket as your started to make your way across the street

little did you know this would be the last time you'd cross the street

A wild driver came barreling down the road, no regards for civilians or traffic lights, probably drunk or high or just someone out for blood.

You stood there like a deer caught in headlights as your life flashes before your eyes

You can barely comprehend what's happening as you felt pain engulf your body and suddenly you were unconscious

________________________________________

Keigo tiredly stumbled into his large apartment, kicking off his shoes and shrugging his jacket off by the door

He wants nothing more than to just flop down and pass out. The HPSC has been giving him hell lately about god knows what.

He let out a long sigh and headed towards the bathroom to do his nightly routine

As he finishes up, he drags his feet towards his bed and flops down face first into the comfort of his pillow and sheets

Keigo falls asleep almost instantly after getting into a comfortable position, worn out from a long day of work

What he wasn't expecting was a loud "thud!" coming from the main room. He jolts up from his bed, feathers ready to attack.

*******

Reader's pov(?)

*******

You groaned as you hit the floor. Your head was spinning and it feels like a truck just hit you

oh wait...

You suddenly became more alert, looking around in a panic, expecting to either be on the road and injured or in a hospital of sorts. What you didn't expect was a wooden floor inside of a random apartment.

You felt around your body for any signs of injury, but all you found were a set of wings on your back- wings?? Hold up. Why did you feel wings what kind of sick joke was this?

Your thoughts were racing as your breathing picked up. What was happening? Didn't you just get hit by a vehicle? Why are there wings in your back? Where are you even?

Feeling around in your pockets, you found your phone and whipped it out, trying for anything. You turned it on, the harsh light of it illuminating your face, you tried to send a text to your best friend, but alas, it wouldn't go through. Actually nothing on your phone seemed to work. You checked your location settings, for some reason it said Musutafu, Japan.

Wasn't....Wasn't that the location that most of Boku no Hero Academia took place?? This can't be right, this has to be a dream right? There's no way that you could have actually ended up here unless...

Then it hit you.

You read your fair share of isekai series back when you were alive in your realm. Mostly manhwas of characters getting reborn into another person's body, but, never actually reincarnating as yourself into another world.

That was the only thing you could think of. You must have been reincarnated into the Boku no Hero Academia world. Except as yourself.

In all honesty, this is not how you thought you'd go out. You didn't know what to expect after death, but this definitely wasn't it. After all, this was a fictional setting, wasn't it?

Well, not anymore because now you're living in it! Smh.

That would also probably explain the wings on your back. This was you now. You have a bird quirk.

Now, all you have to do, is figure out where the heck you are.

Just as you are about to stand up, feathers zip towards you, pinning you to the ground

You hear footsteps begin to come towards you. You don't know if you should be scared for your life considering you've already died once or ecstatic because, you knew for a fact, this could be none other than Hawks' apartment.

The winged hero finally emerges and stares down at you, crossing his arms over his chest.

He says in a low, gravely voice from sleep, "Who are you, and how did you get into my home?" You stare back up at him and nervously chuckle.

"I'm not sure you'd believe me if I told you." You nervously sigh out.

"Try me." He demands, sounding a little more irritated now. You sigh in defeat and start to explain your situation.

"Do...do you know what an isekai is?" You said sheepishly while turning your gaze away from his. He kind of gave you a confused head tilt and just a vibe that said “No”. You sigh again and explain it to the best of your ability. Hawks becomes more and more interested and confused as you talk, but nods a long slowly. 

“So...you were reborn here, but as yourself? Wait- does that mean you died before!?” He asked, disbelief and fear ran through his eyes. You looked at him in bitter amusement.

“Apparently I did. The last thing I remember of my world was getting hit by some truck or car. The dude clearly did not know how to drive. I had the right of way I was pretty sure at least. I mean, the light was red, usually that means pedestrians can cross the street? And plus he was going wayyy over the speed limit,” you begin to ramble on, the reality of actually dying setting into you. Hawks noticed the panic beginning to set into you and released you from his feathers. He crouched down next to you and grabbed your shoulders gently.

"Hey, hey, hey, look at me, you're ok now, right? You're here, and not dying in the middle of the street still. You're here. In Musutafu," he said trying to calm you back to reality. Well, what was your new reality. Your mind was racing. Trying to put together a coherent thought. 

You look up to him, with a panicked look still in your eyes, thoughts started to come out of your mouth as your brain was trying to catch up with the situation. "I'm... I'm in Boku no Hero Academia and, and you’re Keigo... standing... right in front of me..I have wings. I have wings? Jeezus I have fucking wings. And I’m dead in my own world. I don’t know anyone, well, wait, technically, I do know people, just-Oh gods! I’m so sorry, that name slipped out! I- I, I’m really sorry Hawks." Even in your wild state, you noticed Hawks tense up at the sound of being called Keigo by a total stranger, and were able to get out an apology. That was progress? You were slowly coming back to reality.

Hawks froze up a bit at the sound of hearing his real name mentioned. At first he wasn't sure if he believed your tale of the isekai situation, but after this he might have to reconsider it. He opted to shake off that weird feeling for now and focus on different matters. 

" I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do now? I have nowhere to go or to stay. I'm in a whole different freaking universe! My phone doesn't even hardly work here. And I have a pair of wings on my back!" You puffed them out angrily. Hawks glanced behind you and his eyes widened a little. You in fact, did have a set of bird wings. Kind of owl like wings. Not near as big as Hawks', but definitely big enough to fly you around.

Before Hawks could process the words coming out of his mouth, he was already asking you, "Would you maybe like to stay with me? I can help with your quirk too." He glanced away awkwardly. You looked towards him in disbelief.

"Dude, are you sure? We literally just met like 10 minutes ago? I mean, I'm all for it, I have nowhere else to turn to, but if you really really don't want me here, I will politely step out of your life." You so badly wanted to accept his offer on the spot, but being the considerate, mostly sensible human you were, you gave him the option to back out. Hawks shook his head.

"No, no, it's alright. You can crash here. Uh- I mean- stay here! Sorry!" You giggled at his comment.

"Well thank you very much!"

"It's all good. I have a spare bedroom you can occupy for the time being. I'll give you some clothes to sleep in that'll hopefully fit. Accidentally bought a couple things in the wrong size without looking. " (a/n: just...just assume its your size, or oversized, whatever's comfy idk) He jumped up and headed towards his room to grab you the clothes. You still sat on the floor. Still amazed at everything that was occurring.

Hawks walked back into the room and tossed you the clothes. "Hey uh, you know, you can get up now, sorry for holding you down earlier.."

You blushed and scrambled to stand up, "Oh no! It's ok! I understand. This would definitely warrant that kind of action. Some random stranger crashes into your apartment at like 1am. I completely understand. Honest."

He let out a small laugh and wearily brushed his fingers through his hair. The adrenaline of everything finally wearing off. He could feel the tiredness setting into his aching muscles again. “Ah, well, I’m going to head to bed now. The room is down the hall at the very end that you can stay in. I’ll take you out training tomorrow evening if that’s alright?”

You gave a nod of understanding and followed him down the hallway. “Goodnight Hawks,” you sang as he walked into his bedroom. He gave a hum of acknowledgment and closed his door. 

Making it into what was now your room, you changed out of your clothes so fast, eager to rid yourself of the past hours events. 

Not gonna lie, you could not figure out how to properly get your new wings into the shirt, even with the holes and snaps in the back. Your mind was too exhausted to even process this new skill. So you ended up going to bed without the shirt on and just settled for putting the sweatpants on. 

You figured it’d be good to just pass out asap. You were sure if you tried to recount the recent events, you’d spiral into a panicked mess. 

You shut your eyes tightly, willing yourself to sleep, trying to only think of positive outcomes for the future. But to be honest, you didn’t know enough about anything in this realm to think rationally about anything good. 

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I prooobably didn’t proofread this as much as I should have

[tscmu]

Some headcanons for the Hq boys and how they propose to their s/o?

HI YES THIS IS THE KIND OF STUFF I LOVE WRITING ABOUT PLS okay so u didnt really specify which boys so im gonna go for ones that i can picture proposing that sounded weird ok-

characters; koushi sugawara, satori tendou, kenma kozume, osamu miya + tooru oikawa oK LETS GO

koushi sugawara

- pls he’d make it so heartfelt and meaningful HHH I LOVE HIM~ - he’d want to make you feel how much he loved you, like actually feel it in your heart - i feel like he’d tell a FEW people, probably only get daichi to help AHAHAH - bruh asahi would probably have a mental breakdown and tanaka would snitch💔💔 - but he’d have an idea of what you both wanted i think, you wouldve spoken it over before defos - he’d want it to not be that public, just the two of you - so it’d be at like a hiking trail you both go on or something, a place that means loads to both of you but isn’t there for the world to see - and then...…came the day - he knew how much you picked up on little details so he had to be sneak sneak ten thousand™ - “hey, wanna go out on that one walk up *insert name of place idk*? ok ok ok i’ll get ur coat sugar” - EEEEEEEEEEE - he was trying his absolute best to keep it together - he knew you’d most likely say yes, so he wasn’t TOO scared, but it was still SCARY LIKE- - and then u got to the place he wanted to propose - it was this place where you always stopped, where there was a little bench (with your initials STILL carved into it from all those years ago) and it looked out over a nice view - “ooh, can we stop here again!” “u-huh i was actually gonna ask-” - bro he almost forgot the speech daichi read over to him about 20 times - but HE DID IT WOOOO - he didn’t want to make a MASSIVE deal out of it, the wedding would be more important to him but he still wanted to make you know how much he adored you - speech included lots of memories dating even back to before hed even SPOKEN to you i stg this man - AND U SAID YES!!! u have no choice. u did.

satori tendou

- i feel like he’d be kINDA similar to suga?? - a little less caring - he’d never actually pictured himself getting married tbf- - he never thought he’d actually find the right person so he just....gave up idk - BUT THEN YOU CAME INTO HIS LIFE- - even with you he hadn’t really thought about marriage, he was just focused on having fun with you, but then ushijima was like ‘...so, tendou. when is the wedding commencing between you and y/n.” and he just- - it was actually when they were sitting there he started to plan it - ushijima would SEEM like the worst person to go to, but he was actually quite good at this stuff - so in about 2 hours sat at the back door of tendou’s work, they had sketched out a sort of plan on the back of a spare napkin - there was one main thing he knew he wanted to talk about - how you always stuck by him, no matter what he did - he thought he’d seriously fucked up, and you would be back at his door the next day, smiling and chattering about this new café you heard opened down the road - god, he was terrified to even mention paris to you, but you were so up for the idea, it took him by shock - he didn’t take you for granted - so for once, he wanted to make you feel loved - they couldn’t think of a place to take you for ages, but then it hit them - you and tendou always went to wakatoshi’s games, ever since high school you both always made the commute if you had the time - and ushijima had a game coming up in two weeks...…. - when he mentioned it OFC U WERE DOWN PLS, you loved going back to japan - like ofc france was incredible but......... it was just lovely to see everyone again ;-; - since youd been there so much, you basically just got to stand right at the side of the court AHAHAH - so they won the game. obviously. its ushi and kags we’re talking abt here. are you kidding. then tendou started acting weird, which made u hella sus - it was the first time in what felt like years you’d seen him so...nervy - he kept fumbling over his words, you had to yell at him to speak up - but eventually he did it - he spoke abt how much you meant to him, how you made him more comfortable in his own body, how you stuck by him through everything - AND U SAID YES. AGAIN, U HAVE NO CHOICE. - and yes ushi and kags started cheering and the news outlets put u on the news i dont make the rules ok

kenma kozume

- ok mans is TERRIFIED - he’d quite genuinely never thought about marriage, throughout his years with you by his side it just...never crossed his mind - but it was when you were lying in bed one night, his arm dangled over you as you both drifted in and out of sleep - and it just hit him - why the fuck were you both still like this? - marriage was something you always expressed a love for, when kuroo got married you were basically in a trance the whole time - how was he so unaware? - people described kuroo’s proposal as pretty much perfect, he’d always been good at reading his partner, so he just used that knowledge to make something he knew they’d like - so, to kenma’s extreme distaste, he went to kuroo - oh my god kuroo fucking c r i e d - kenma was finally ‘growing up’ - so after about an hour of kuroo sobbing, they finally got down to business - after lots of.. lets say elaborate ideas from kuroo, and lots of no's from kenma, they finally came to a sort of compromise - since you and kuroo worked in the same department, he would text you on saturday simply asking if you wanted to catch coffee and talk about that one assignment - obviously, you said yes - not thinking anything of it, you just pulled on a jumper and jeans AHAH- - then you notice,,,why tf is he taking u to a beach at 7pm in march???? - #serialkillerkurooheadcanons - but u see kenma and ur like... wtf have u gotten yourself into- - have they been possessed?? who knowz - and then u get BLINDFOLDED LIKE WHAT - but then u snap back down to earth like why would they kidnap u- - as kuroo takes it off, kenma’s quite literally shaking - poor babie - he never really knew how to explain his thoughts properly, so the speech wasn’t anything extremely dramatic and/or romantic - but he did in a way tell you how much you meant to him - he spoke abt how you boost his confidence, have always been there whenever he needed you, and how you seem to always understand him when he’s being at his most blunt - therefore he thinks you’re his soulmate - PLSPLSPL IM CRYING

osamu miya

- i think he always knew he wanted to marry you - atsumu always embarassed him about it- - it got to the point you didn’t actually think he’d propose, you would just wake up one day and a wedding dress would be on the door - but it got to the point where tsumu was mentioning it significantly more when you went over for dinner - mama miya was always telling you how happy she was that samu picked you - even your own parents were being oddly warmer towards samu, whenever they phoned they asked how he was, etc etc - so you knew something was up - samu was always really polite to your parents, asked their permission before he even took you out on a date - ironic because you lived together but still- - so turned out, he actually mentioned proposing to you to them - they adored him for gods sake so of course they said yes - then tsumu thought he was acting weird, so he told his side - jesus christ they freaked out - his parents were always nervous about atsumu, who slept with random people on the weekends, and hadn’t been in a proper relationship since middle school - you were basically their god send AHAHA - so it was a massive deal when he wanted to marry you - it would appear that he didn’t really care, but in honesty it meant the wholeass world to him - like suga, he’d go for a location that meant a lot to both of you - christmas was a huge deal for both your families, they both came together and you had an incredible time - and last year some of the jackals came over, which was just hilarious - so what better time than christmas with your loved ones around you??? - it started off like a normal christmas, you had an incredible dinner ( cooked by none other than osamu ((with atsumu and bokuto attempting to sabotage it but just burning their hands on the pot)) ) then all played some games - but it was when you were all watching the basic christmas tv programmes when the atmosphere... changed - everyone was looking at you and samu, even sakusa looked excited - it was when his father muted the tv, and samu took your hand, your heart was basically beating out your chest. - he spoke about how he felt like, for the entirety you’d been together for, every day he seemed to fall more in love with you. you were like his rock, when things were even a bit off he could just come to you and you’d automatically make him happier even just by looking at you - bruh bokuto and hinata were sobbing in the corner

tooru oikawa

- surprising, but he never thought about marriage - he just kind of assumed he’d be one of those people that would be in a relationship for like a week then just.. move on to another person idk - that was until he ran into you - everyone, even his own parents, said he was a different person when he started dating you - it was ironic, you were quite similar to him - yet you made him rethink his fucking morals  - it was sappy asf - ANYWAY BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND - he took this proposal really seriously, he wanted it to be the best moment of your whole life - until the wedding ofc ofc - since you’d basically changed him as a person, he wanted this to just show his appreciation for everything you’d ever done for him - he wanted you to feel his love - and so he set about preparing a good proposal - he’d be like osamu, and definitely ask your parents first - your parents loved him anyway, they thought he was the best thing that’d happened to you for a long while - he basically knew what he wanted to do - nothing too public, but nothing too quiet - whats the point of proposing if some people dont see am i right??? - sometimes when you both either a) needed a break or b) you both had a period of time where you were free, you both just booked an impromptu holiday AHAHHA - #richkidtingz - so obvs he had to do it on one of them... it was ur thing after all?? - it was when you walked in the door, face red, and flopped down on the sofa next to him, he grasped the opportunity - “..got any spare holidays from work?” - you quickly went on a travel agent website and booked a three day holiday to brazil, leaving the next morning - it was one of your favourite places to just escape to, so it made sense for him to propose there tbf - it was as you both woke up the first morning there, still sleepy from the night before, you grinned at eachother. - “hey.. get ready quick, i wanna do something.” “wHAT-” - he didn’t actually know where to do it, he just called a taxi and asked for your favourite high street HAHAH - after about an hour of browsing around shops, your hand never out of his, you finally asked ‘what did you want to do?’ - his breathing almost stopped i stg, he didn’t realise how scared he was - but then... HE DID IT POGGERS - he stuck to what he knew he wanted to speak about, making you sob in the process ofc - and even all the locals congratulated you!!!

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HI THIS IS SO LONG IM SORRY BUT I LOVED WRITING IT PLS!! THANK U FOR REQUESTING da box is always open mwah

[kyunsies]

madch madch <3 hello love!

how are you my love :D YAY I'M SO HAPPY YOUR COLD IS GONE OMG!! Do you feel properly better now? the sleep nose cloggs is the worst, i'm super glad it's gone for you.

YES for a whole month - like it makes me miss summer holidays when i was a kid and you could take the time off like that. do you ever feel like you didn't appreciate that stuff like when you were a kid? like being able to have long sleeps and stuff or just running about the mall with no consequence? we really do have the same situation going on! i just want to be able to buy my mum a better house and a better car and nicer holidays and stuff? like that small stuff which sounds a bit boring but like, idk that means more to me than the overly flashy stuff? like i'd love to be a mum one day but seeing how much my mum does sometimes i'm like... IDK if I could hack it you know?

ah wow ok! my school i really get what you say about catholic guilt as it's super similar from my cultural influences as well? YES like, it's bad to think too well of yourself, or just that you shouldn't do it? or you're gonna end up inviting bad things if you do think too much of yourself? i get really confused about it sometimes. like - almost like there's a difference between self love and thinking too well of yourself? and i can appreciate myself without ever thinking i'm too good at something etc? does that make sense? idk i'm worried about self love it if means it makes my ego bad and over arrogant and all that stuff? I GET YOU tho - it is that line between contentment and like feeling yourself to the point it's ... ick? it's hard isn't it?

THAT FACT STEALING TOILET PAPER WAS YOU USING BAD LANGUAGE omg do you see what i mean you are just so so so so pure of heart and sweet and thank you for being so kind <3 are you looking forward to going back to uni in some ways? or is it all general *internal screaming*? remember you're mega and amazing <3

omg we literally had a HUGE HEARTWAVE to the point where I have so many bites everywhere - i'm glad you've had a bunch of sun but YAY TINY TINY SQUAD!!!!!!! I AM 5'1" so yay to us being tiny together <3 I am always the tiny one too! i used to hate it but i like my height more now - and like the fact i can fit into kids stuff on sale? or like shoe sizes not being a problem? but then sometimes the sizing is a bit weird like you said before! YOU GET IT WITH THE BF JEANS. It is a neverending quest RN. I've figured out the size I can really get for them but so few stores make it :/ we will see how this saga unfolds. do you lampshade a lot with clothes? i find i always end up doing that even if i don't mean to haha XD

OKAY SO JO MALONE I like the smell of pomegrante noir but IDK if I'd wear it but the lime and basil is another fave of mine. I just really really don't like musky smells I'm with you with the citrus! like, stuff that reminds me of summer and fresh stuff? musk makes me feel like i'm walking into like a noughties teen clothing store i just can't hasjdakshd. like i hate lynx smells? WHY DO BOYS WEAR IT?

AHHHH OMG ok mutual blue moon love YES HELLO <3 <3 <3 I ADORE lofi jazz garage I honestly die/simp for that sound. like they dabbled a bit more with those vibes in OOAK and that's why I loved the new album so much I guess? just so so so beautiful. i just wanna drown in like the sounds of moonlight and suggestions of other things by candlelight or long city drives? does that make sense? ugh LOVE IT. getting up in my feels here hahahajsdkhasda

YAY HI TO YOUR MOM <3 I hope she's having a beautiful beautiful day too and that's getting rest as well! never worry about getting back to me late, I know you're so busy and that's always okay, love you lots and lots <3 <3 <3

-💥xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MY BEST PAL <33 hello my sweet, how have u been doing these days? i know i must sound like a record on repeat, but i miss you all the days that i don't hear from you, i'm always thinking about how you are doing ;____;

but YES after like ,,,,,,2 and a half weeks of being sick with the cold i am FINALLY over it :') it's not so much the stuffy nose during the daytime that annoys me it was the freaking clogged nose at night for the love of GOD i hate breathing with my mouth open it's so gross ;___; and sore throats ......... honestly i wouldn't wish a sore throat on my worst enemy lol like i'd rather have the flu for 2 days than a sore throat for a whole week ldkfjsdkf i'm such a baby <3

about being on holiday as a kid LOL IT WAS !!!!! the absolute best time !!! i know at some point we need to be functioning human beings in society lol but honestly at the age of like 13 where ur too young to work but u can't drive yourself anywhere ?? it's the best time (besides the driving part lol) bc you literally do not have one ounce of responsibility it's so great ;____; it's good to work and help ppl but i miss that too ....... and about our experiences with our single moms !!! pls this is all i want for her lol ; like u said nothing overly flashy but once i'm established i would like for her to live comfortably without being at the hands of someone else so i wouldn't mind like buying her a nice apartment ;____; when she was younger she traveled all the time and once i was born she coudn't do that with me bc she simply didn't have the money so she's always telling me after i graduate we should take a little trip to europe or go out west :( i think that would be so great :(((

OH GOOD OLD CATHOLIC GUILT LOL listen ..... there are a lot of things that the catholic church has done in the past that i don't agree with at all and stuff but ;____; i'm still grateful in some aspects bc my moral compass is like . a super big part of my life and it guides me to lead me away from decisions that aren't the best for me lol and i'm really grateful again for my mom for sending me to catholic school all these years :') and i think it's good to have this sense of humbleness (i hate ppl that are so boastful about themselves like truly no one cares sdjfslkf) but i do agree that catholic guilt can sometimes be a hinderance like i keep on saying i wish i had at least one ounce of self dignity SDLKFJ idk like u said it's a fine line between being humble and having no self worth :') i guess at the end of the day u need ppl surrounding u who make u feel like u are worth something and that it's okay to think positively about urself <3

honestly babe no ,,,,,, i'm not looking forward to going back to my final year of uni at all ;____; i don't know when i got like this but nursing school has literally scarred me to the point where i'm so anxious to even finish this year :( the ICU, my preceptorship, exams, finding and landing a job successfully before i graduate ???? i want it to all be over with so quickly but i'm so nervous for the future ahead of me ;____; will i get to where i am meant to be ???? i'm going to sOB IM NOT READY FSKDJFDS .............................

YAY TINY SQUAD LOL SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS !!!!!!! everyone on here is like boo hoo i'm 5'3 and im like ?????? ur inching near normal height shut up ?? SDKFJ :') truly shopping is so hard literally u can kill pants every fitting u perfectly unless u hem them and omg ??? pls explain to me what lampshading is LOL I HAVE NEVER HEARD THAT TERM BEFORE ?? :o !!!!!!!!! but also yes almost all of my sneakers are kids shoes LOL JOKES ON TALL PPL WE CAN GET THEM FOR CHEAPER <3

and about jo malone !!!!!!!!!!! the lime and basil one i've had my eye on it omg !!!!!!! bc i love love the smell of basil :) i'm actually visiting my grandparents this weekend and we are going to the mall so i'm going to finally pick up a new scent !!! i've literally had the one i told u about for 2 years LOL but i also agree everyone loves musky scents for some reason but i don't lsdkfjs i feel like those heavy scents "weigh me down" ????? do u feel that way too? it's hard to explain :')

ALSO OMG OKAY you are my blue moon ride or die now <3 have never met a mbb yet who loves blue moon as much as i do LOL it's just *mwah* perfection ........... absolute perfection like it fits all moods its fresh its lowkey it's perfect and YES YES i felt heaven kinda had the same vibe ??? not so much the dark garage jazz sound but more of the light and airy garage jazz sound LKDFJS i know that sounds dumb but it's lighter and happier but has that same lofi sound i'm obsessed with <3

okay bubbie but YEAH mom and i are healthy now we are in good spirits and we are hanging in there !! again i'm sorry for getting back so late hun really i always want to respond right away but like i always say quality over any short answer hhhh <3 i hope u have a lovely rest of the week if i don't hear from u soon okay? always sending love and hugs xxxxxxxxx !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

[hoodiehan]

Concert Experience

I’m not sure how to exactly.. section off this entire thing by topic so I’mma just jump in and go for it and say whatever I remember. This is going to be hella long because I have a LOT to say about the entire 2 1/2 hour concert lmao. 

Here’s a link to the setlist for the concert!

I made a setlist of all the songs that were played! Including the songs that were played during the VCRs! But the only song I didn’t include was Mixtape #2 because that was played during a VCR and also none of the mixtapes are on Spotify lmao.

Ah okay okay before the concert STAYs started chanting “STRAY KIDS EVERYWHERE ALL AROUND THE WORLD” then during the ments, the boys started chanting it back to us and we chanted it to them and ;-; yes. Then we also chanted “WE LOVE YOU! WE LOVE YOU!” and I think it took the boys by surprise a little bit, but then they started chanting it back to us and it felt wonderful :’) being apart of that.

YOU GUYS. I’M SO SMALL. AND THE VENUE HAS SEATS. BUT FOR SOME REASON EVERYONE STARTED TO STAND UP AND ;-; I BARELY SEE BC I’M SO SMALL. I HAD TO STAND ON MY TIPPY TOES AND JUMP A LOT TO SEE PROPERLY. MY CALVES HURT BECAUSE OF ALL THE TIPPY TOEING I DID LMAO.  But Chan saw all of us standing and he said “Seeing you guys standing up makes us want to go even harder” and like YES BOY. YES LOL

So I sat in P2. In the Orch R Section (right side of the venue) in row F, so I was also 2 rows away from P1. ;-; But tis okay, ‘tis okay. 

During the ments, the lineup goes: Minho Jisung, Jeongin, Felix, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Changbin and Woojin. From right side of the venue to the left side. Changbin and Woojin were standing right in front of my section and OH MY FREAKING GOSH THEY ARE SO ETHERAL. LIKE WOOJIN. MY MAN. YOU A WHOLE MAN. HE’S SO ASLKJGHASKJLG SURREAL LOOKING LIKE I CAN NOT BELIEVE. AND CHANGBIN. HE’S SO SO SO HANDSOME IN REAL LIFE. AND HE’S SO FREAKING BUFF ? IM SO SHOOK I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. BUT HE ALSO LOOKS SO INTIMIDATING ? AND LIKE IDEK. OKAY PLEASE DON’T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT CHANGBIN IS ˢᵉˣʸ. LIKE IM NOT TRYING TO SOUND THIRSTY, GROSS OR ANYTHING BUT HE JUST HAS THIS WHOLE AURA AND VIBE AROUND HIM THAT SAYS “Yeah, I’m here, I know what I’m doing, the effect that I have on you all, and I own this stage” AND THAT CONFIDENCE. IS VERY ATTRACTIVE.  I’ve said this like 20 times lmao but there was a girl sitting 2 rows ahead of me who had a Changbin banner and she would hold it up whenever he looked at us. He saw her banner, waved and smiled to her SO MUCH. PLEASE GET A BANNER FOR A MEMBER STANDING ON YOUR SIDE OF THE STAGE. THEY WILL SEE YOU AND THEY WILL GIVE YOU ATTENTION LIKE I PROMISE YOU. Also he FLIRTED SO MUCH WITH THE FANS. There was one moment where Changbin looked at a fan in the first row and he just gave her this look that was so different idek how to explain it. IT WAS A GOOD LOOK THOUGH. But the girls behind me saw the look he gave her too and said “Oh who was HE lOoKinG AT”. 

Stays cheered so so hard for Changbin! Like I’m so happy that they did too because he deserves it! And every time we cheered for him, he would always kind of smile shyly and ugh adorable. Not to say that we didn’t cheer hard for the other members either. We cheered so loudly and so proudly for everyone! But Changbin was just definitely louder and more energetic. 

Jisung is my bias and he was on the other side of the stage so I didn’t exactly look over at him that often because I was sort of focused on getting Changbin and Woojin’s attention lmao. There was one moment where he came to my side of the stage during Yayaya and I had to stop jumping, screaming, singing and just look at him and realize “Oh my gosh he’s actually real and here”. He’s so absolutely beautiful my heart flutters every time I think about him. Jisung was also wearing a button up shirt with sleeves that were attached with strings. A few of the strings came undone during the concert because he was going so hard on the performances but it was so cute :) 

Here’s a picture of what he was wearing!

SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL I LOVE HIM. At first his sleeves were rolled down at the beginning of the concert (I think) but then he rolled them up to his elbows halfway into the show and FRICK. THAT’S MY WEAKNESS. BUTTON UPS ROLLED UP THE ELBOWS AHHHH

Then he changed into his sleeveless hoodie/tank top and HOASGKLJASHG HIS ARMS HIS ARMS HIS ARMS HIS ARMS HIS ARMS

YES M Y BOY. FUCK IT UP. GET THOSE GAINS. HAWK YEA LET’S GO.  He’s so BEAUTIFUL. 

Anyways moving on. I took so many pictures I wanted a new wallpaper for my phone (because before it was from the BTS concert from September). My wallpaper is a picture of the boys saying goodbye to everyone, and it’s like perfectly placed because all of my apps are on top and the pictures are clearly seen on the bottom with heavenly yellow lights shining down on them :) Then my lockscreen is a live photo of Hyunjin hugging Jisung and ugh beautiful yet again. Fans did the fan chants during the concert! But it was kind of quiet. bUT WE WENT SO HARD DURING VICTORY SONG, MIROH AND YAYAYA! Like those songs were the most hyped up and it was so fun !! 

Tbh idek what to say for the concert because it went by in such a blur :(  They only had 2 outfit changes during the concert too. But then for the hi touch they changed outfits. They performed a lot of songs back to back and they did it so energetically idek how they do it because I was just standing there singing, and I was already exhausted by the time that My Pace played lmao. 

Ah okay okay. Chan made Seungmin speak SO MANY TIMES LOL. But it’s funny because Chan would say, “I think.....” then he looked around the stage then looks at up Seungmin and says, “SEUNGMIN wants to say something !!” And Seungmin would just go like “Ah” and shake his head but then he would introduce the next song. :) It was super cute.  Chan also talked a lot about “first times” and how precious and memorable they are. He was really excited about this being his first time in LA and about performing in LA for la stays it was so cute :))

Then Hyunjin talked about coming to Disneyland when he was smaller and he said “But because I was so child I can’t remember it” and UWU. BUSTED 10000000 UWUS FOR HIM !!! 

Changbin also spoke so much English ! i’M SO PROUD OF HIM DID I ALREADY SAY THIS? IDEK BUT HE SAID SO MUCH IN ENGLISH AND HE SPOKE SO ELOQUENTLY IT WAS AMAZING !! Woojin, Jeongin and Minho didn’t say as much. But they spoke in Korean and there was a translator. :) Minho tried to speak in English during his ending ment but he forgot what he said. Stays were trying to cheer him on by saying “YOU CAN DO IT!!” But he got shy, and just said “I LOVE STAY”. :)) He’s so adorable I love him.  There was also a person performing sign language for a Stay on my side of the venue too. Chan saw them and took a moment during the concert to say “can we just take a moment and applaud the sign language translator!” Chan is so cute he really notices everything idk he’s adorable HE’S ADORABLE. 

The girl in front of recorded the entire concert and honestly I respect her because my arms got tired of holding up my phone after like 1 chorus lmao. Also the girls behind me screamed so loud I hope that their throats are okay today. I was sitting next to the speaker too, so hearing all the screams in the arena and sitting next to the speaker did not help my hearing at all LOL. My ears were muffled at the end of the entire thing.

Also idk if it’s my hearing being messed up or if it was real life but their voices are so much more high pitched irl? Like Seungmin was so nasally and Jisung was like ᵘᵖ ʰᵉʳᵉ. LOL But during the hi touch, Jisung sounded deeper. Felix sounds the same irl and holy frick I love him. I love him. I love him too.  The boys are absolutely so cute they kept looking at everyone around the entire arena and they kept seeing “I love you Stay!”  Woojin also said during the concert “La is pretty but Stays are more pretty” and AHHH We all went wild HAHAH. During their aegyo part, thEY ALL KEPT ROLLING AROUND THE STAGE AND I WAS LIKE ??? IS THIS ALLOWED ??? HAHAH. Chan said “The name’s Bang... Bang Chan” and aksjlgh THE CROWD WENT WILD FOR THE MAN. Hyunjin had the cutest aegyo though :’) He did a flying heart and caught it and ugh beautiful.

During Get Cool, Changbin changed the lyrics :’). He changed the lyrics from 막내 오다 주웠다 훗 이게 형 클라스죠 (Maknae, oda juwoda hut ige hyung geullaseujyo) to “Stay, I love you!” and gave a finger heart. IT WAS PRECIOUS. Also.. Voices just hits so differently irl. Seungmin’s part in the chorus when he sings “Break free from the voices in my head”  just HITS. SO. DIFFERENTLY. IT’S AMAZING. And when Chan sings “Step out of the voices” is so powerful I can’t even explain. I recorded the part where Changbin and Jisung are doing their duo rap because IT’S SUCH A POWERFUL MOMENT.  Insomnia is... IT ALSO HITS DIFFERENTLY. Something about all the Stays singing “I can’t sleep” with Chan is so emotional idk. But Hyunjin singing in Insomnia UGH BEAUTIFUL. THE ENTIRE CONCERT. BEAUTIFUL. MINHO HITS DIFFERENTLY IRL. LIKE HIS SINGING IS SO ANGELIC AND WONDERFUL I LOVE HIM ! I LOVE ! HIM ! Hyunjin did a body roll because he was doing a “sexy version of My Pace” and wow my boy. Right there. Really going at it. 

THEY KEPT SLAPPING EACH OTHER’S ASSES DURING AWKWARD SILENCE LMAO LIKE OKAY THAT’S GREAT HAHAH During Felix’s part where he went “Marbling” someone slapped someone else’s but I can’t remember who asgkjh it was funny though because like their bottoms were facing us and you can just clearly see them slapping each other lol

Also some fans got a project together and they made red cellophane sleeves and blue sleeves for the lighsticks. During Hellevator we all held up our red sleeves and during Grow Up we held up the blue sleeves. It was sooo pretty being apart of the blue ocean in Grow Up :)

Then during the Mixtape #2 VCR, it showed clips of the boys doing their individual introductions during the survival show days. It sort of broke my heart in a good way. Idk how to explain that properly. But just seeing how far they’ve come... when it’s also only been a year.. and seeing how much they’ve grown and improved.. I love it so much. I love being a Stay. It’s sincerely one of the best things ever. 

Also since the concert venue was smaller compared to other concerts, I found the entire thing to be really cute. Because it was all so small and personal. We could really interact with the boys, and they interacted with us :’) I mean I sure would love to see them perform at the Honda Center, Staples Center or The Forum too. But this was a beautiful start. Having this small little concert and being with them :) 

The fans though... they’re such a beautiful sight. During certain parts of the concert, it would be pitch black. But the thing was, our lightsticks shined so brightly that it lit up the entire room. It was such a beautiful sight I loved it so much. 

I had a lot of fun at the concert though (as you can probably tell heh). :) It was just so fun being surrounded by other STAYs, singing, dancing, doing fan chants and more :) I love our boys so so so much and I miss them so much already. They’re really the light of my life. 

[ddonggeun]

Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed

sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience? 

first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)

my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have…. 

in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip: 

trouble paying attention in school or work,

the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough

avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,

being easily distracted 

restlessness

fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know

interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever

frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry.  she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”

trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files

mood swings

hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy

impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo

poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense

fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho

doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way

burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both 

trouble coping with stress - 

i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that

at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments

[ohifonlyx33]

live blog thoughts

geokinesis... crystalline structure... *sigh* it's a ROCK. He controls rocks. Thank you coulson, for pointing out that it's hard to explain with ~sciiiience coulson @ fitz: how we lookin? fitz: terrible me: *scoffs* not possible hun, you look amazing. always. everyone: *pessimism* jemma: not to ruin the mood but *optimism* way to go sweetie wait, so he's made of plastic?? enoch??? uh. we appreciate your useful  plastic. may looking at the sketches, feeling affected by a life she's not yet lived. and phil comes over. im ready for thisss. i just choked when phil said he could see her as a mom. like i was taking a bite and i just forgot how to swallow. DAISY YOU KNOW SHE'S YOUR MOM RIGHT. WHY WOULD YOU SASS HER LIKE THIS. AHHH SASSY DAUGHTER INTERUPPTING MOM AND DAD. my name is deke shaw you killed my father prepare to... talk and then maybe i'll kill you but probably not because we may want  the audience/team to really start to like me. oh my gosh, i just realized, Voss is trying to pull a 12 Monkeys timeloop by killing some people to rewriting the past. his dad used to say play the long game... fitz time travelled the long way... idk Elena training the boy... uh-oh Mack doesn't like it. i see both sides but. oh man. whoawhoawhoa TESS WHAT w h A T... oooooh is is KREE SERUM. IS IT GH-325. ooooh my gosh. i guess mack does know about that... i was wondering how he knew, but i suppose the kree stuff happened in season 2.... wow what a throwback. what is this hunger games level madness. coulson charging his arm? what a concept. aww, friendly reminder that daisy is not just a superhero. she's a person. a talented agent. not just Quake. oh my gosh, fitzsimmons freaking out over the gravitonium and the causal time loop paradox. Yes Jemma, put your hand over that man's heart and give him the littlest bit of hope you can offer. Not a kiss, but a VERY NICe SCENE. mmmmhmmm good stuff. this grav storm looks so cool though. "is this your first time having a building dropped on you?" "NO" ROOFL sooooo like..... can w trust deke? i want to... but the writers are hinting he could be turned against the team. tbh i'm not even sure if Deke knows what to do. Mack, use those engineer skills you have. you are more than muscle, wisdom, and wit.... shut down those blues with mechanical skills. daisy/deke talking good guy ethics of killing or not and i really like it. and also every 3 seconds deke is like "MY DAD..." honestly this is so not even subtle y'all. i do love deke's moral dilemma tho and how he's like "but these are good people" but also could it save the world? "you won't see us again, but if you do... your children will be safe" MAAAAAAAAACK... oh hey whoa that's the guy he went all ballistic on for saying he'd make a terrible father... oh feels. may, why you so savage at Enoch so much??? ooh the bird is flying. but it's not flying the normal way cause it's a wooden bird so like... that's unusual. GRAVITY STOOOORM.it looks so cool tho. CAPABLE OF MANEUVERING IN SPACE. FITZ MY BLESSEd ROCKET SCIENTIST WHY DID JEMMA THINK OF tHIS FIRsT??? deke "NO, RIGHT? THAT'S A BAD IDEA RIGHT???" i love when he panics and everyone is like *shrugs* FITZSIMMONS FISTBUMP OF LOVE. WHY AM I CRYING????? "i used to be really good at self-preservation" ahahahaha. seriously hoping he becomes a good guy properly. ahhh guys no, protect tess she's just a sad little burrito and i want her to stay safe. keep the kreepy Mouldy Blueberry away. aww may lowkey making sure coulson's okay. fitzsimmons strap in. daisy and deke strap in (hmmm) and oh now they unstrap together... he's like a puppy following her kinda. i love his dynamic of "why am i doing this???" wait blueberry...whyy... he knows ELENA???  "you will always turn on each other" oh boy thanks. are WE ABOUT TO GET AN ANTIGRAVITY FIGHT BECAUSE UM YES. OH THIS IS SO GONNA BE SO COOL. LIKE ACTION AND CGI AREN'T THE rEASONS I WATCH AOS BUT DANG IT IT ISN'T SICK. jemma: "this is a terrible idea im sorry" LOL A LITTLE LATE come on deke do something to help the girl you are inevitably starting to fall for despite all your protestations. i'm here for mack and yoyo being all "you sacrilegious heathen read a Bible” #fakegod #fakenews but this scene is so slow compared to the rest... like, if you put all the splices together i feel like it'd we really weird and awkward. just a lot of posturing and threats over and over again. ahhh attaboy deke reluctantly saving daisy. oh man that shield against elena. maaaaaan come on. deke you loveable wuss. buh-bye sinara. so dramatic. MAY YOU AMAZING PILOT WAS SHE EVER "just the pilot" HA AS IF. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LIGHTHOUSe noooooooooo oh wait ok they had a plan whoa that's a big boom tho. ha his weakness in the end was his dramatic flair. why would you move the explosions DOWN when explosions go up I.... this was very risky ok. that camera shake with the scream tho. The Blueberry was  #TRIGGERED what does he mean he has a seer excuse me? and he's just now mentioning this???

[dong-hyucks]

Dating Luhan Would Include...

Admin: Jade Masterlists

ye im trying to get this stuff out asap

sleep? idk her also just a warning it took 2k+ to get to the actual dating part so be prepared for a lengthy one

okay so basically, you got a job as one of lu’s personal stylists

you were the only child of one of his managers which helped you get the job

but the other stylists didn’t like that

they thought you just got the job solely bc of your parent

which was wrong-- you had loads of experience with styling of all kinds

the other stylists, bitter, would either ignore you or ‘tease’ you

a lot

though, they’d make sure to not do it in front of your dad

and they tried with lu, but he ended up catching them

considering he sees you all every day

and the fact that he isn’t cold hearted

lu really didn’t like that

but every time he would confront them about it, they’d deny his accusations and act innocent

after like a month of this happening

lu, and you respectively, had enough

though, you’ve had enough the moment they started

anywhoodle

lu legitimately had them fired

all five of them

aka

his entire stylist crew (besides you)

when you came to work and were told ‘oh hey, the other stylists don’t work here anymore, you’re going to be on your own for a few days.’

you had no idea how to react

and lu could tell because he started chuckling while you were doing his hair

“is something funny?”

“your continuous confused look”

“hUh”

then he told you that the other stylists were fired

which you already knew

but when you asked why, he fibbed a bit

said ‘they weren’t doing their jobs properly’

when in reality they were all relatively good stylists

so you knew he was lying right away

that and because the tips of his ears turned red

you didn’t want to say anything

just in case you got fired too lmao

for the next few days, you were lu’s only stylist

it was okay generally, but when he had a major appearance onstage it was a bit of a hassle

that happened like five days after the rest were fired

at that point, you and lu had begun talking more than before

while you styled him, you’d talk about whatever topic that came to mind

to anyone else, it looked like you guys had been friends for years

when in reality you had only known each other for little over a month

bAcK to The StORy

he was scheduled to have a stage performance at 12:00

it was 11:55

and he wAsNt reADy

so you were freaking out, rushing around trying to get your makeup pallets and hair gel, etc.

luckily he was already changed so you didn’t have to worry about that

but his face and hair was bare (not that it matters he’s a viSuAL--)

he was so amused, watching you scramble about

despite his amusement, he was extra sure to be helpful to you, seeing how stressed you were

he stayed completely still and tilted his head when you asked

when he’d usually mess with you for a bit before complying

now he was just listening in silence, knowing you were not in the mood for a conversation

after you had messed around with his hair using the gel and his makeup was done

you went to fix his outfit

you kept your eyes down as you inspected lu’s clothes

your hands would reach out every now and them to make small touch ups or to smooth over the fabric

your parent / lu’s manager was yelling out the time left, which was two minutes

so you worked faster

once you were done, you stepped back to admire your work aNd make sure everything was in place

in the midst of your work, you didn’t notice the lopsided grin he wore

which hugely complimented the clothes you had chosen for him

he honestly thought it was cute, seeing you so engaged in your work

“time to go!” his manager/your parent called out, ushering lu away from you

after his performance, lu couldn't find you

which was odd, since he usually met with you afterwards

when he asked his manager where you went, they snickered

but told him anyway“[Y/N] went outside for a bit-- got a call from their friend.”

lu nodded and stayed put, not wanting to pry in on your conversation

tho, when fifteen minutes passed he was b o r e d

so he decided, why not, and went out to find you

it didn't take long before he could hear you

making his way outside, lu poked his head out the door

he could see you, leaning against a brick wall with your phone to your ear

you were smiling so widely as you spoke

lu was kind of just wide eyed

a part of him wanted to stay outside to see why you were smiling like that

but the other part of him knew that that’d be invading your privacy so he went back inside

as he walked off, he found himself thinking of that smile of yours

he was so confused as to why he was thinking of it

it was weird

he kind of wanted to be the one to make you smile so brightly

the moment he thought that he literally walked into a wall

which also happened to be the moment you walked in

he met eyes with you, face flushing at the fact that you were laughing

“glad to know my pain is amusing for you.”

“it always is,” you joked, walking passed him, patting his shoulder as you passed

lu followed in silence, face still warm as he walked

while the two of you walked in silence, he noticed you wore a troubled expression

right before you were about to enter the waiting room, he stopped you, gently turning you around

“is something on your mind?”

“what?”

“you’re thinking about something and you’re thinking about it hard. is something up?” he raised a brow

you were blank faced for a moment before you let out a nervous chuckle

“well,,, i was going to wait until i could talk to my-- your manager, bUt,,,” you shrugged hesitantly, “i wanted to ask for time off tomorrow.”

“tomorrow? as in, when i have an important interview?”

you shook your head fervently, correcting yourself. “no, no, i’ll be here to get you ready but i have somewhere i need to be a few hours after it”

lu nodded in understanding before ushering you back in to ask

tHe nExt DaY (smooth transition, i know)

you actually managed to get lu ready long before his interview

so you all had time to kill

lu was playing some game on his phone and you were just cleaning up your supplies

suddenly, you got another call -- this time, a video call

lu found himself looking up as you answered it, a small smile instantly making its way onto your face

lu, being a lil shit, decided it’d be fun to do some random stuff in the bg while you talked with whomever

so, he basically crouched past with some weird expression

“oh. my. gosh. [Y/N] is that...”

“what?”

you turned around and made eye contact with him, just as he was pulling another weird face

there was a silence -- not including the freaking out your friend was doing -- before you burst into laughter

lu, though slightly embarrassed, followed after

“you’re luhan!” your friend gushed, gaining his attention “omL i love you--”

same

lu smiled before kindly making his way off camera to give you and your friend some privacy

at least, he tried to anyway

your friend very ‘subtly’ whispered to you, “[Y/N], please, let me get an autograph oR meet him i bEg Of YoU”

you took one glance at him before hanging up the call

not long after your phone blew up with messages from your friend

‘i’ll try, okay [Friend] chILL’

shoving your phone into your pocket you narrowed your eyes at lu

he thought you were glaring so he clumsily pulled out his phone and attempted to look like he was on it the entire time 

“very subtle, lu.”

“thanks, i try.”

you scrunched up your nose, contemplating on whether or not you’d really try to get some sort of fan service for your friend

without thinking, you blurted out the first thing you could think of

“let’s make a deal.”

lu looked up, intrigued.

meanwhile, you were internally freaking out

because you didn’t even mean to blurt that out

raising a brow almost impatiently, lu looked at you with a small smile indicating his mirth

“let’s go out--” you stopped yourself, wanting to hit your head against a door, “wait -- no, i worded that wrong--”

while you fumbled over yourself, lu leaned back against the sofa, covering his face as he laughed

“i saw an arcade on our way here. whoever wins three games first wins and --”

you didn’t even get to finish before lu interrupted

“okay,” he agreed, leaning back as far as he could, “you have a deal. if i lose, i’ll go with you, meet your friend.” 

he smirked, “but, if i win, you owe me a favour.”

he looked up at you, curiosity shining generously in his dark chocolate hues

a small, contented smile graced his features, blossoming over his cheeks like a carnation in its peak -- beautiful in all its glory

you blinked, thinking over his proposition

with a sigh, you held out your hand

“deal.”

within the hour, your parent was driving you guys to the arcade, clearly amused at your ‘bet’

“wear these,” they said, pointing to the pile of masks and caps on the middle console that they had handy just in case, “even in a dark arcade, someone could recognize you and those people will assume things.”

you were basically clinging to the car door, shocked that you were about to mess around in an arcade with lu han

when you arrived, you wobbled out of the vehicle, fully equipped with a mask and a cap even tho you arent at all famous and no one would know who you are

lu was in similar attire

“let’s go over here,” lu suggested, pulling you by the wrist once you entered the arcade

your face and body in general got really warm, your eyes trained on his hand

he was completely oblivious to your internal freaking out, his eyes facing forward

when he stopped walking, you were in front of a giant set up

“it’s like a racing / snowboarding simulator,” lu explained, stepping onto the platform “whoever gets to the bottom first wins.”

you nodded, stepping onto the platform opposite of him

it was snowboarding, how hard could it be?

you were very wrong

lu beat you in a mere two minutes, when the average time was at least five minutes

“i play this sometimes with my friends,” lu explained with a cocky grin not that you could see it

you narrowed your eyes, “you’re playing dirty,” you accused, though you weren’t really annoyed.

without a word, you hopped off the platform and took lu’s hand, just as he had with you, and pulled him in a random direction

oh, how the tables have turned

now you were unaware of the flustered expression lu wore

you brought him to a shooting game, one you had played a few times before with your cousins and friends

while you were playing, lu kept sneaking glances at you, which distracted him from actually shooting anything

he thought it was cute, how excited and into the game you were

like ten minutes later, you were victorious

lu just accepted it, because there was no way on earth in which he’d admit that he lost because he thought you were acting cute

since we’ve reached the 2k mark, imma be really blunt until the actual dating part

oops

basically you spent the next hour playing a bunch of games

and, whoopdido, he won three games before you

you were kind of bummed out bc you could tell your friend seriously wanted to meet him

but, a deal was a deal so you took it

“before we go,” lu randomly began, “let’s go to the claw machines.”

a part of you got super excited bc you haven’t used a claw machine in forever

when you got there, your eyes landed on a vv cute plush

tho, tbh, you absolutely sucked at the claw machine

lu noticed right away which plush caught your attention and inserted a coin into it

you watched in aWe as he got it first try

wow what a god

“here,” he practically threw the thing in your face

“let’s go,” he said, not even waiting for you to catch the plush

you bounded after him, looking down at your watch

“what time are you meeting your friend?” he asked, watching traffic pass by

“in an hour or so.”

“then, let’s go get some dinner before then.”

you didn’t say anything and merely followed as he brought you to some lowkey café (i have an addiction to adding cafés into my bulleted stuff)

at this point i got distracted by everyong for like half an hour oops

by the time you were sat down in an almost empty café

there was like 45 min until you were going to meet up with your friend

you spent like five whole minutes trying to figure out how you were going to say ‘oops couldn’t get anything from lu han for you lol’

when you looked up, you noticed lu was just looking at you, resting his chin on his palm

“what’re you staring at?”

“you.”

no shit bro

you rolled your eyes, looking down at the small menu the café had out on every table

“you’re interesting.”

i beg your pardon, you thought

“usually, people are practically dying in my presence. you’re quite calm though,” he tilted his head. “you know, i think i like you.”

luckily, you weren’t drinking anything, because if you were you would’ve done a spit take

“w h a t ?”

lu merely smiled before asking what you wanted, as if he hadn’t just told you that he likes you

you just spat out the first thing you saw, which happened to be a carrot cake or smth

if you dont like carrot cake feel free to subsitute

you ate in silence both kind of unsure of what to say

you were still speechless over lu’s sudden confession

and lu was beating himself up for being so blunt

when you finished, lu was back to looking at you

you subtly wiped at your face, just in case you had somehow gotten food all over it

“do you really?” you asked, deciding that the situation couldn’t go that downhill. “like me, i mean.”

“... yeah.”

“okay.”

you almost choked -- who says ‘okay’ in this situation?

lu, on the other hand, was chuckling. “’okay’” he teased

you stuck your tongue out, leaning back in your chair

there was a pregnant pause before lu cleared his throat

“honestly, what -- what are your feelings for me? other than ‘okay,’“

you stared down at the table, biting your lip as you glued together words

“i-- i like you too, lu.”

in the back the cashier was lowkey eavesdropping

lu’s face broke into a smile, as he looked down to hide his growing grin

“that’s good.”

he looked down at his watch, standing up “then, let’s go.”

“what?”

“your friend wanted to meet me right? so, let’s go.”

“but,,,, i lost our bet.” // “you did, so you owe me a favour.” he grinned back at you, “but, i’m going to be a nice boyfriend and go with you anyway.”

“boyfriend?!”

lu merely laughed, grabbing your wrist for the umpteenth time and hauling you out of the café

somewhere along the way, you found yourself shifting your hand and interlacing your fingers with his -- a silent confirmation.

wOw that only took 2.7k to get to the legit point of this post

smh me

so, dates with lu don’t come often, but when they do they’re amazing

he’s always making sure that you’re comfortable, so they’re usually not in public places just in case ppl recognize him

the last thing he’d want was for you to get mobbed by fans

a lot of your dates are late at night, whether they be walks, dinner at your/his house, movie nights, etc.

he’s so sweet too

like he’s very open with his feelings for you (not completely, the world has no idea of your relationship yet)

any of your coworkers can tell that you’re dating

but no one says anything bc they know that they could get fired if lu so pleased

he wouldnt tho, unless given reason

anyway

the few times that your dates are public

lu will do the weirdest things to make sure you don’t get recognized/seen

if he spots anyone with a camera he straight up kisses your cheek

which works bc the person usually turns away

generally

he’s just so sweet during your dates

and otherwise, ofc

but he’s also still lu, playful and such

snowball fights in the winter are a regular thing

moving on

kissing

honhonhon i regret

your first kiss with lu was spontaneous

you were at the arcade again, on one of your late night dates

a few other people were in the arcade, but not near you guys

you were playing the shooting game again, something that became tradition for the two of you and--

“hey, [Y/N]?”

“yeah?”

you took one look at him and suddenly his lips were on yours in a soft, gentle kiss

your hands froze on the plastic trigger, your eyes wide

before you could even do anything, lu pulled away with mirth shining in his eyes

“i won.”

you whipped your head toward the screen, and lo and behold, the infamous ‘YOU DIED’ screen was showing

“lu,,, you little shit”

“you love me”

“sadly”

kisses with lu, in general, have like three settings

the first being quick pecks, when the two of you are in a rush

whenever he has to go onstage, he’s sure to give you a quick kiss, whether it be on the lips, cheeks, forehead, etc.

he really likes kissing you

the second are slow and sentimental

these usually happen during your lazier dates

like you could be watching a movie on the couch and suddenly your kissing no further than tHat

he’d be so sweet during these times, his hand automatically cupping your face and his other tracing circles on your hip, leaving trails of goosebumps

the third,,,

oh dear

are a bit rough in a sense

these are rare, but they will happen without warning

usually when he gets jealous or you push his buttons too much

they’re messy kisses, but he puts his all into them and it’s very obvious

i’m blushing now so that’s as far as we’re going w that

MOVING ON

fights with lu don’t come often

he hates fighting with you and vice versa

but sometimes the two of you just get really stressed at end up lashing out at each other

this usually ends in the two of you giving each other the silent treatment

which is so difficult considering you’re one of his stylists

the main one, at that

the other stylists, newly hired, get so awkward whenever you guys fight

because there’s this giant tension between the two of you and none of them know what to do or say

however, you can only ignore each other for so long

it’s very divided between who cracks first

sometimes lu does

sometimes you do

sometimes you both just end up apologizing at the same time

either way, you both talk everything out

and make sure that no stone is left unturned

he’d probably really like honesty in a relationship, so it’d be very important to be open with one another (as it is in every relationship)

these fights end with cuddling, most of the time

in which he brings you as close to his body as possible

and wraps his arm around your waist

he’d love it if you wrap your arms around his torso and play with the ends of his hair

speaking of

if you play with his hair, he is putty in your hands

he even only lets you do his hair professionally

“lu, please, the rest of the stylists--”

“no, only you.”

“you c h i l d istg--”

but you love him

on the topic

your first ‘ily’ came about a month into your relationship

during that time, lu was on tour

and right before a concert, you came down with a seriously bad flu

so you had to stay at the hotel

lu called you before the concert, nervous

“lu, you’ll do great”

“but what if i mess up--”

he was so nervous, despite having done stages so many times in his life

to him, it was odd, not having you there

you had become his rock

he also loved performing knowing you were backstage rooting him on

“lu, hun, you’ll do great. and i know you have to go up now considering it’s two minutes to your stage. i believe in you!”

he was still shaken, but he knew you were right. “alright, bye. make sure to drink your medicine, alright?”

“okay~ i love you, bye.”

you hung up

only then did you realize what you had just said

which lead to you rolling around on your hotel bed, screaming into your pillow

meanwhile, lu was staring into space, his phone still to his ear

had he heard you right?

“lu! you’re up, let’s go.”

he looked over at one of his managers, nodding before putting his phone away

he then did his entire stage with a huge smile on his face

this is almost as long as my regular scenarios

so imma just stop here

anywho, a relationship with lu would be heaven

he’d treat you like royalty, because in his mind you deserve the best

so in all

he would cherish you, and when the time comes, he’d brag about your wonderfulness whenever he could

he really would love you, and hopefully you’d do the same

:)

is it obvious who my ot12!exo bias is this was so close to getting to 4k im

[nobody-needs-to-know-that-blog]

She was the youngest of the family

here is the other story. The story of 4 and a half years. 4 and a half years that i thought i was with the man i was supposed to spend forever with. I was just out of a relationship and a new drama season was starting and so we would be together almost everyday for about 4 months. Maybe a little less. I ended up asking him out via facebook because i was too chicken to do it in person. (i have learned now but not much) 

i asked if he would date a freshman he said he would depending on who. i was being stupid and asking for myself but i was like one of the people who was at set construction. For some reason instead of waiting a week i just asked before he went to FFA states. He said yes...  We werent really dating at that point... it wouldnt be for another year and a half before anything really happened between us. We were dating. He would always say these really cute things to me that would make me smile... Now they just make me cringe every time i see them or read them.. maybe even glance over them. (there is a reason i have a new device... so i dont have to go through my fucking screenshots on my ipod...) there are so many... oh so many... even on my phone i had so many conversations saved and for some reason i couldnt bear to look at them.

When a break up happens you like to think that you would look back and remember the good times.. But you wont. Even if you have a million and two pictures of the “good” times it wont be good... who knows... maybe you do think of the good times. 

so that is just freshman year of highschool... We kissed about 13 days after we first started dating. he told me that i had soft lips... im not sure how he could tell or why.. The story of our first kiss is funny... I was sitting on the back of my directors tailgate and he was messing with it and one of our friends was like dont kiss in front of me and like ran off... and then he kissed me... (in retrospect i think my eyes were open..) 

then shortly after that i had my first meltdown... i was on stage for our spring show, literally lying on the couch debating if i really wanted to be with this kid... i didnt... but i didnt think that anybody else would want me..

i stayed with him. 

then the summer came and i didnt really see him that much.. i didnt really want to hang out with him because i didnt want to be forced to do couple-y things... i was only 14 when i started dating this kid... i thought it would be a good idea... (oh how wrong i was...) He could not make out to save his life... it was gross and disgusting and i just didnt want to do it... 

so we didnt make out any more... until the rapture (12/21/12) that was a thing... we ended up making out in his truck before school started.... it was weird... better but weird.... 

so many things happen and when you look back on them you realize that all the warning signs were there.... 

the constant meltdowns, the pressure to please... all of that... He was on a high horse and for some unknown reason i wanted to keep him up there. His family still has him up there... he may be a little lower now that im not there because they all loved me and really didnt want us to break up... ( but apparently me “making out” with another human would be fine for me to stay with him because im the definition of a perfect child?? wtf idk)

I was constantly using my parents to not hang out with him. There was a little time frame where i was fine with hanging out with him.. but it wasnt often...

My junior year in highschool went just fine.. no really freak outs, except for the last day of spring play... i was balling my eyes out and i was sick and it was just terrible... I didnt want him to leave and i didnt want to not be at the lock in and yeah it was just a mess.

My senior year was a different story, i was stressed, he was stressed with honors advanced calc 2. I was president of NHS i didnt actually do much... Not like what i do now... The responsibilities of  high school to the responsibilities of college are so different..

Senior year was a roller coaster of emotions... I was in my first show in 2 years. It ended up being shown for two weekends instead of one. I went hunting on the day of the last show. This kid ended up shooting two deer. We went to the play it went off with out a hitch ( well minus the lights being fucked up THIS IS AN OUTRAGE... is one of my lines and i was actually hella pissed...) Well driving home after hanging out with him for a little bit, it was snowing... i wasnt used to the snow... I was heading north, i ended up doing a 180 and landing driver side down heading south but on the same side of the road that i was on to begin with... I was panicking... i called the boyf and he helped calm me down and then i ended up calling the parents because there was no way i would be able to get the car out of the ditch. Seeing the damage on the car, its a miracle that nothing worse happened to me. As hard as I hit when it fell, none of the airbags went off which is great, because that would have sucked and i would have had much worse injuries than just a cut on my knuckle...  ( i mean i may have some issues with my shoulders but idk)

that was at like 2 or 3 in the morning... i ended up going home and sleeping it off... i didnt go to church though and all of my friends were freaking out about me... it was adorable... I was fine... I mean i was still shaking and i was confused as to why i was shaking but it was fine. I was fine.  I joked constantly and i still kinda do... Dude gets two deer and i get a car accident... Parents were looking to get a new car anyways but i just happened to push it forward a little bit...  I had team sports the next morning and i was like im fine i can still play... ( no i couldnt i was in so much pain when i was playing lacrosse.... it was bad...) The next day i ended up giving a note to the teacher explaining as to what happened and she was like WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME???? lol it was funny, i thought i would be fine but i was sore, the adrenaline wore the shit out of me... 

The rest of the senior year went off with out a hitch ( minus the director saying that she wanted me in another play and then that not happening and me crying.... and yeah it was great... i love working the booth i love being in my home... Its been years since i have been back to the booth...) 

Summer after senior year went off with out a hitch, nothing big happened, but then i started school. My freshman year in college was his sophomore...  i spent the night in his dorm a couple times and he spent the night in mine a couple.  November came around i thought i was ready for the “D” i wasnt... i wouldnt realize that i wasnt ready until January...We had only had sex a couple times by that point... His uncle had died unexpectedly and i came home for the funeral... I am not selfish. I am very selfless... The night before the funeral i thought that giving him what he wanted would help him cope... It may have to this day i still dont know... and i would rather not know.. what i do know is that i was trying my fucking hardest not to fucking cry. Now a little backstory, sex has always hurt for me... im just now learning that it shouldnt hurt no matter what... that it only hurts if you werent properly turned on... 

That was January, we would hang out a couple more times before may but not much... I was busy with rushing the sorority and being active on campus... Then comes may. 

I finally got a job!! so did he. We were both super busy and making money... which was good. however that means that we had less time for each other in the upcoming months...

Now rolls around august. His annual family reunion, i always loved going to it and this was the 2nd or 3rd time going to it. I had warned him before that nothing was going to happen... he thought that i had just meant that we werent going to have sex... nope i had meant that absolutely nothing was going to happen between us. He was super frustrated with that and not happy with me in the least bit  

That was August. September rolls around, My first active semester of the sorority. First semester where boys are not allowed to spend the night in the dorm room ( not that that had stopped two of us but that comes much much later). I spent the night in the “tuba” house a couple times.. not often but a couple. September was super busy for me and he didnt like that i had a life outside of him. I wasnt dedicating all my time to pleasing him. I was learning to be myself... I just ended up hurting two people in that process.... And the rest is in the other story...

Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?

[pansexualbatgirl-blog]

So like. Some people were kinda confused by the scattered posts and talking from my mutuals bout my new medical issues so I’m just going to quickly explain stuff here rather than to everyone individually. Anyways below this is my horror story of my gallbladder so far. No I did not have surgery yet but I’m scheduling stuff tomorrow when their office is open from the holidays. I’m alright now but occasionally still in pain and have been p much forced onto a diet.

Anyways without further ado, have the extended story of how 2016 fucked me up one more time right at the end. Anyways, I’m avoiding the majority of the gross details (the worst being probably my ultrasound and the pain which was bad)

My gallbladder got infected AND has gallstones (which is like a complicated thing im not gonna explain but long story short: OW) which happened some time just before christmas (the infection part).

Anyways I thought I had the flu the day after so I was tryna rest and stuff but all day on the 26th and 27th I was sick super bad and wasn’t able to eat. and on the 28th i was STILL sick superbad but the pain i thought was just the flu had just gotten super intense. And by that I mean when my moms boyfriend drove me to the hospital I cried at every bump. I was in so much pain it had just taken over my whole stomach and made it hard to walk and move and do anything p much (which was why I had been going to the hospital)

So anyways my mom had work in the morning and so did her boyfriend so nobody was able to stay there with me (and hospitals terrify me, for the record). So anyways I finally get to a room in emerge and the doctor comes in and THANK GOD it had been long enough for the initial tests to come in so I didn’t have to tell them I was a virgin and therefore Not Pregnant 30 billion times (because as a girl going to the hospital for stomach issues, thats their first thought). So he has me lay on my back and then starts pressing on my stomach and I screamed really loud and was caught between shaking and holding still because it hurt so bad i didnt want to move but like. He kept pressing on different places trying to find out where the pain was worst and it was on the right side (which I couldn’t really tell before since it had p much taken over half my body) which is Bad. Like, pain in the right side of your stomach is bad and they thought it was my appendix maybe so I got told I was going to get an xray and an ultrasound.

Which freaked me out.

So after he left the room my nurse came in and told me that it’d only be a few more minutes and then I was having a small anxiety attack so she helped talk me through some questions I had about the type of ultrasound the doctor had planned (bc it was originally gonna be one of the insert-smth-in-your-body ones) and told her I had anxiety issues (which will come up again later). Anyways she explained things in a way that made me feel less scared and then told me it would be painless and how it worked and made sure I was ok before going.

A few minutes later a guy comes in and puts the thing they put IVs in you into my arm and then injected me with morphine and some fluids and then walked me down to wait for my xray (which was so fucking painful lemme tell you. hes lucky the drugs were good or id have passed out by then but again: anxiety. I was too scared to ask for a wheelchair to go there).

So then they do my x-ray and the lady walked me to the ultrasound room. Not sure why (either from dehydration or because the nurse told them i was anxious about the other type) but I got the normal type of ultrasound. Which, idk if all of you have gotten one before, but theyre generally painless. Generally. They coat your belly in gel and then rub it with this thing that shows them your stomach-- painless. And by then the screeching roar of pain had dulled down a bit. Enough for it to only hurt in some places rather than all.

Anyways, she starts and I start crying right away. Like not moving, but tears everywhere. She had to guide my breathing the whole time (okay hun I need you to breathe. deep breath and hold it. okay now breathe, i know it hurts im sorry) and like I don’t know how long I was in there but it felt like forever and I was just in SO much pain the whole time even with the morphine in me.

Anyways bless her soul when she realized I had walked there she just “haha fuck that no i am wheeling you back you are not walking” only more polite and like when I answered I had walked she had this “im going to kill someone on your behalf” look on her face. So yeah she wheeled me back and told me she couldnt tell me about what she had seen on the thing (as they send it to a professional to get the reading) but she had a worried look which left me super anxious.

Ten-ish minutes not even later, the doctor comes back in, along with the nurse. He tells me that theyre admitting me and that it’s my gallbladder. He mentions its infected and my mind just goes blank with terror because when my mom had her gallbladder out it got infected amd she almost died. And at that time it didnt matter that my older sister and like two or three of my aunts had gotten theirs out with no problems, my mind just went straight to “oh my god I am going to die immediately there is no hope Im going to die alone right here in this room”. And the doctor is a bit patronizing and keeps asking me if I understand whats going on and what hes telling me and I just keep nodding and saying yeah and he left me with the nurse to go over the other stuff and I lost it. Like I had asked if I could call my mom (who I knew would understand WHY my anxiety attack had turned to a panic attack) and the nurse had been about to say that she had to go over some medical stuff first but when I broke down she quickly (bless her soul) got me my phone and let me call my mom right away (because again, I was alone at the hospital).

So yeah Im full blown panic mode and I get my mom on the phone and I barely get out “mom its my gallbladder” before i can no longer talk because I’m having trouble breathing. So my moms talking and asking me things (trying to see how bad it is) and I just am having trouble keeping up the conversation because I’m crying so hard so the nurse offers to talk to her and explains what all is going on to my mom for me properly and how bad it is (again, bless this ER nurse because she’s literally my hero). So my mom had mentioned “yeah when I had mine out I almost died from an infection” and my nurse just “yeaahhh lets not tell her that” but the thing is I already knew it was one of the scariest parts of my life and my mom said that and she kinda got how bad it was. Anyways so she gives my phone back and left to go get me something for my anxiety and my mom is telling me to call her if anything comes up and I knew she had to work in the morning so I’m trying to be calmer (because my mom needs p much all the hours that she gets, our family never has had too much money) and I went to ask if she could have her boyfriend or my sister or aunt or someone come sit with me the next day and my voice broke and it was a big sobfest and she just “I’m going to call in right now and drive up there” and Im trying to tell her not to but she just “I wouldnt be able to work with you there alone ANYWAYS” and stayed on with me while she was getting ready then when the nurse came back let me go so she could call her work (it’s community living so theres someone there 24 hours a day to answer, but either way its like one in the morning)

So the nurse brought me a pill for anxiety and chilled with me until it was time to send me up and ALSO had the pill ordered for the floor I was on so Id be able to have one if I had another attack. Now, like taking care of patients is one thing but she was an honest to god angel okay. Like she went way above and beyond what she needed to do and was super kind the whole time and even helped me pack up the little bit of stuff I had. Like good nurses in my hospital arent anything new but she was incredible and I can’t express that enough.

anyways when I’m up in the room they let me wait for my mom to get there (I was put in the old ppl ward because it had the first bed open on that floor, since it shares one with OB). When my mom got there they went over stuff with her and they said they’d know by morning if I was responding well enough to anti-biotics or if I needed an emergency surgery (which wouldve meant the inflamation/infection was very, VERY bad and not getting better). By then Ive mellowed out because morphine + anxiety medication = the highest Jean you ever did see. So I sign some papers and my mom asks more questions and then the nurse leaves (again, I was super high on the crap they gave me so I don’t really remember this part too clearly). But my mom stayed with me until I was falling asleep then gave me a hug and kissed and promised to be back in the morning when the surgeon would make the call.

Morning comes and I wake up and I woke up in too much pain to even try moving enough to hit the red page-y button for a good few minutes. Anyways when I do they bring me pain meds and they take a little while to kick in (as it was oral ones and not morphine this time) but kick in they did and by the time my mom got there (like half an hour later, its a 20ish minute drive from her place) I was very much high again (albeit still in pain).

So we wait for FOREVER for the doctor to come in and I get the news that I don’t need surgery right away but DO still need it. Annnnddd then I’m told Im spending another night there which was blah. I was also told that I wasnt allowed to eat or drink anything and that I’d be on antibiotics and fluids through my arm since they had to flush out my system or whatever.

She sat with me most of the day and chatted with the older lady’s son who was my moms age nd really nice to me even tho i spent most of the day half asleep nd full of painmeds. Anyways aroundlike 2ish? they took me to another room with a new nurse (this one in OB where I was supposed to be) and the guy wished me good luck and joked around bout how they’d loan me a wheelchair because his mom had like 4 different varieties in there ok. So in OB I had my own room and it was super big and the bed was super comfy,

Anyways my mom had to leave and let her dogs out and take care of my animals at my place so I laid there and napped off and on between pain meds and messaged some people and such. I kept dozing off on everyone though and needing to take breaks from talking and honestly theres not much to tall about this part. I slept and slept and my mom came back later and brought me a colouring book, a change of clothes, toothpaste nd toothbrush. Whcih is important because the morphine made my mouth taste gross and I wasnt allowed to have water even. Toothpaste with a gross mouth is a blessing. Boi, the things you appreciate when in the hospital lemme tell you.

Anyways I had to stay another night, this one less eventful and with less pain. I slept the whole thing nd in the morning I was feeling good enough to get up without pain meds (which i didnt need the rest of the day either woohoo). And my appetite came back (I hasn’t eaten since christmas night and even then, not that much as i didnt want food really. I hadn’t really been eating much at all that day or the couple before it) which was both good and bad... good because it meant I was getting better and bad because I was FUCKING HUNGRY OH MY GOD. But I had been dying for a drink since the day before so when later that day one of the peeps came in with apple juice and ice water I was so happy. When I was able to handle that ok I got a liquid lunch (jello, a popsicle nd broth and MORE APPLEJUICE!!!) and it was good. I got discharged not long after nd then got to go home after getting antibiotics nd pain pills.

So now the plan is to book a follow up tomorrow (since the office was closed due to the holidays) and then i go in for surgery round the middle of february. Which means I’ll probably be in the hospital on my birthday which is, you know, wonderful. Although the bright side is I’ll probably get pity presents. Maybe I’ll get a pity party. BUT I’M NO LONGER ALLOWED CAKE SO IT DOESNT EVEN MATTER.

Like I’m not on an as-little-fat-as-possible diet until its out since fattty stuff will iritate/inflame it again. I also have to avoid sugar or eating a lot at once so. Bright side I’ll probably lose the weight ive been trying to get off downside i cant eat fucking anything and i hate everything 60% of the time.

But ya that’s my story if you read this far ilu nd thanks for listening to me bitch