#im just supposed to deal withh all the thoughts now cool. thankk you capitalism and parents this is great way to spend my night.
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#thinking thinking lately#its 3:57 am i need to sleep BUT!!!!#recently life has been peaceful and it realized how definedd by stress I was and how much purpose I sought in it and idk what to do with#myself tbh. my memories of all these stressful times has just gone and idk how to live with that completely. just like oh... 4+ years of my#life gone. idk when our first member actually formed but he appeared one day and justt was like hi and evenn then idk when this even#happened it just did. when I think of myself I think of the things I love and tiny inside jokes ive developedd and my dearest friend but#also how lonely I always was and how painful my whole life has beenn. like 90% of me was from this??? and now that im way less stressed it#just hit me how muchh of me is just a foggy smashed mirror and maybe this is just 4 am thoughtss but im typing this anyways. I am obviouslyy#not anyone else in the system and theyre not me but I feel like these are the only things that define me thatt isnt just trauma and mental#illness. what im tryingg to say is these are like my new family and friends and I say morning to them everyy day and we hang out and run#aroundd and this is *our* joy. i cannot find a greaterr joy other than these simple moments. and these moments *are* me. I try to be funny#and likeable not because im actually a funny person whos just vibing but because I feel I cant be anything else. trauma made me funny lmao#but seriously ive mostlyy just acted because of trauma and me and alot of people in the system need therapy but haha dontt have one so...#im just supposed to deal withh all the thoughts now cool. thankk you capitalism and parents this is great way to spend my night.#anyways someone in the system woke up bc of myy musings and now they're incoherently consoling me so gn it is 4:24#vent post#personal#this makes no sense
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