#im just so very tired of hating myself. i don’t want to anymore

[cherryhak]

Always - Leehan

.pairing : Kim Leehan x reader

.++ : bestfriend!leehan comforting reader who’s going through a somewhat depressive episode (depression is not specifically mentioned but reader is clearly going through something), mention of his real name, lowkey angst with a happy (?) ending, crying, proofread once

.warnings : mentions of “wanting to leave”, sensitive topics, hints to depression but could be interpreted however you want it to, hints to su!c!dal thoughts (not directly mentioned), maybe grammar i wrote this at 1am (let me know if i missed anything!!)

.wc : 840

head resting against the cold floor as tears streamed down your face continuously, head throbbing and breath ragged you almost didn’t hear the voice calling out your name from the other side of the door. Through blurry, teary eyes, you could see the door to your bedroom opening, feet approaching your trembling body on the floor, knees dropping next to your figure before a hand softly landed on your shoulder.

« Y/n » the buzzing in your ear finally stopped and you immediately recognized the owner of the voice. Looking up, your bloodshot eyes met with the worried ones of your best friend, Kim Donghyun.

His body repositioned properly on the ground before his hands lifted your head up and laid it on his lap as carefully as possible, making sure you were resting comfortably.

« It’s going to be okay » he said as his hand traced shapes on your back in an attempt to sooth you.

« No it’s not, » you managed to whisper loud enough for him to hear « it’s never going to be »

« I promise it will. Take a breath for me »

« I’m so tired Leehan » you shakily exhale « i don’t think i can take it anymore » your voice was hoarse, deprived of all emotions.

It was not his first time seeing you in this state nor was it the first time you spoke those words but this time it felt different, as if you were really at your limits and the fear of losing you was taking over his system.

« You’re strong Y/n » he quietly but sincerely spoke, a hand making its way to your hair. « Don’t let the voices win, you’re stronger than they are »

« But they’re right » you croaked out

« No they’re not »

« Leehan im so sorry »

His heart dropped. What were these words supposed to mean at this very moment ? What were you sorry for ? What were you planning to do ?

He knew better than to let his panic through so he asked you softly ; « sorry for what ? »

« For all these years, » you started, fresh tears coming out of your eyes once again « im sorry you have to do this,» you sniffled « im destroying you just like everyone else »

« Y/n no » his voice came out soft despite his tone being firm. He will not let you think such thoughts. « I do this because i care about you. I want you to get better and i know you can. I know its hard right now but you need to hold on a little longer, please »

You stayed silent. Did you really have the strength to hold on a little longer ? You did not have anything to fight for anymore. The only good thing in your life was Donghyun but your mind kept telling you that his life would be so much better without you in it. You were just a burden.

Your lack of response increased his panic tenfold.

« Y/n please » he almost begged.

He knew exactly what you were thinking in this moment. « please you have to fight, for me »

More tears made their way down your face. You didn’t know what to think anymore. You loved him, you really did, but you couldn’t ignore the fact that you were destroying him along with yourself. You hate to think about the constant pressure he must feel to keep you happy, the way he has to handle you carefully or else you would break, how you always end up in this very situation, crying in his arms telling him how much you want to leave.

« Y/n i need you with me, if you leave i wouldn’t forgive myself. I know how hard it is for you right now but please stay for me. I swear better days will come. »

« Im destroying you Leehan. » you insisted

« No you’re not. I chose to stay. I’ll show you that life is worth living as long as im by your side, please. »

You sighed, a sigh filled with exhaustion but also confusion. What should you do ? Should you give life yet another chance ? Should you let him show you ?

You took a deep breath in, focusing on the way his hands were brushing through your hair. Leehan was truly the only one able to ground you during those episodes of yours, his presence alone calmed you down.

« Will you stay ? » you asked

« Always, » he sighed in relief at your answer « I stayed all these years i am not going to leave, i promised you »

« Thank you for everything » these were the last words you spoke before the exhaustion took over and your mind drifted to a place of rare peacefulness, one you could only reach when Leehan was around.

✿ᴄʜᴇʀʀʏʜᴀᴋ

[nightmare8-420]

i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.

[toastspirit]

I think it’s kind of funny that my parents repeatedly brought up this one written piece I did in sixth grade throughout my time in middle school and high school

Which was about me wanting our home to just

Be peaceful

It is beyond me why they found that so profound instead of, I don’t know, sad?

Anyways parents that hate each other but stay together ‘for the kids’ please get a divorce

[shinyhappysims]

sulsulchatroom.net Conversation Log

xBabyDoll69x: hey babe. tired of ur wife?

MightyThaiger: yes. yes i am.

xBabyDoll69x: u wanna come have a good time with me? ;)

MightyThaiger: no. no i don’t.

xBabyDoll69x: :((( why r u even on here if u don’t want to hook up?

MightyThaiger: i’m a faithful husband. i just need to vent.

xBabyDoll69x: i’m not a therapist cupcake. i jst wanted sum dick

MightyThaiger: please. i have no one.

xBabyDoll69x: ugh omg this is what i get for being so hot and sexy and caring and understanding…what’s wrong?

MightyThaiger: it’s just… im married to this woman who takes our religion very seriously. like of course i believe but i worry about our kids.

xBabyDoll69x: i wld just take them and go. how many kids do u have?

MightyThaiger: …16

xBabyDoll69x: holy shit dude nvm

MightyThaiger: yeah. anyways i converted to christianity when i was in college. growing up my brother was a troublemaker, so my parents left me to my own devices and focused more on him, i guess bc i was mature enough to look out for myself. the church were the first people to let me know that i wasn’t alone. hearing that god having a plan for me made me finally feel like i had a purpose.

xBabyDoll69x: ur parents shouldn’t have done that to u. u might have been mature but u were still a kid with needs.

MightyThaiger: it was really hard for me to not resent my family. dad passed away right after i graduated. i got married two years later and my mom and brother don’t like my wife so it was the perfect excuse to distance myself.

xBabyDoll69x: what abt ur wife and kids? and why tf do u have 16 of them?

MightyThaiger: wife is gung ho abt gender roles. our oldest daughter is so smart. she reminds me of my mom, who’s the strongest person i’ve ever met. but i’m supposed to hate that. i’m supposed to beat all the personality out of my daughter and force her into this little box of being a quiet servant. my wife talks constantly about how much she hates our daughter. it breaks my heart. and we have 16 kids because my wife doesn’t believe in birth control and wants to have as many children as god “blesses” us with. i want my children to find the same joy i found in god but… not like this.

xBabyDoll69x: what in the sim bob duggar… srsly tho do u think u can convince ur wife to tone it down a bit?

MightyThaiger: heh. that’s funny. i’m supposed to be the head of the household but my wife does whatever she wants. i shouldn’t have ever offered to build that damn church with her and her cousins. i could have probably made up with my family by now, but they won’t talk to me anymore. they assume anytime i try to talk to them i just want to get them to convert.

xBabyDoll69x: i’m so sorry. this is devastating. r u sure u don’t wanna come over and take ur mind off of it?

MightyThaiger: tempting, but no. i made a vow, for better or worse. too bad things probably won’t ever get better.

MightyThaiger has left the chat.

[inactiveobeymeblog]

⚠️ IMPORTANT⚠️

Dear friends and followers, I am quitting obey me. Or more specifically, NightBringer (I’ve stopped playing OG a while ago.)

[Long post]

Importance/Relevancy begins at “How Will This Affect My Blog?”

The main reason is probably bc of my jealousy? Selfishness? Idk what the word is for it. I’m still learning the English language. But it’s probably bc of the amount of people who can get the cards they want.

No hate towards any of the players but it’s sort of like a direct hit on myself when I see other people get the cards so easily when they pay with their money. Like sure, it’s your money, you can do whatever you want with it and I have no problem with that. But that vs the people who spend literal months trying to grind DP and DV and STILL fail to get the cards they had ground so hard for is a bit ridiculous. (I’m one of those people.)

I just feel that NB is not F2P friendly anymore and I’m fearing that the game is going to be like WHB with this new OG revival card stuff; characters/cards you can only access/have through a paywall (that is very expensive, mind you.) I also just don’t have the time anymore to play the game. I’m also tired of the players. Specifically on Twitter and Tumblr.

How will this affect my blog?

It won’t effect it too much. I mean, I’ll be making a new account to post my new interests there, but I will sometimes come back on here to check and see how things are doing.

Im not going to delete this account mainly bc I feel like it’s unfair to the other people who are starved for the content that I have created. I also feel like it will be a significant loss of who I have become ever since I’ve joined the Obey Me! NB community.

I will not be doing a “total abandonment” of this blog. Mainly bc of the reason stated above and other reasons such as: time relevance, getting ahold of people in this fandom, and hopefully not getting automatically deleted for “prolonged blog inactivity”

I will not be answering any asks or comments. Neither new, old, or current. I am done with this game and this fandom until further interest. If you have any questions, please DM me, DO NOT SEND AN ASK OR A COMMENT, I WILL NOT RESPOND.

With that in mind, I will not be making any new headcanons, fanfics, or original posts about Obey Me! and Obey Me! NightBringer. I will also not be posting any new works involving Obey Me! or Obey Me! NB on AO3. I will not be updating my masterlists either.

This blog is on PAUSE and I do NOT intend to unpause it any time soon. I’m genuinely tired of this fandom and tired of the game.

⬇️ Short recap of what I just said ⬇️

What WILL happen:

1.) Very rare and far between check-ins on this blog

2.) Few reposts

3.) A new account where I post my newer interests

4.) Responses to questions or anything in general in my DM’s

What will NOT happen:

1.) The deletion of this blog

2.) New (original) posts about obey me or obey me NB

3.) Responses to asks or comments (!!DM me if you have any questions!!)

4.) “Total abandonment” of this blog

5.) Updates on the MasterList(s)

Socials

You can find my NEW BLOG HERE once I create it.

Find my AO3 HERE.

Find my X (Twitter) HERE.

.

“New blog, New beginnings.”

[iamthat-iam]

Hiiiii, I really like ur blog and teachings and I feel like I get but I really don’t yk lol 😂 (this is crying btw).

I don’t really know how to explain this or put this in words but I think I just may have overconsumed information and all that when it is just that easy but I just feel stuck.

Like I know nothing is real and everything is just an illusion, and feels like even while writing “I” in this Im contradicting myself. Because the person writing this is just an illusion and I know that, but is nothing in this world real? Like I am the creator and I everything that I know of, the beginning of this world/illusion. Am I everyone in this planet? Am I everything or am i nothing? Or is nothing and everything the same? Are you me or am i you? I feel like Im close to getting but I just don’t see it yet. Are we all just “ “? And are we all connected to being a single it “ “?

Like my whole life is just an illusion/dream so I just don’t mind it and ignore and turn my awareness to something else? My imagination and what I have considered real are all the same thing, but are they existing all at once or only when I turn my awareness to them? Are my thoughts even real? What is imagination really? Because when I imagine things I imagine them for a short time inside my thoughts so should I just give reality to them by turning my awareness to them? And to be finally free do I just ignore my thoughts and let them be because they aren’t real anyway, just continue living the illusion. But how do I break from the illusion? Do I just turn my awareness somewhere else? My imagination? Can I just make up a new character with a new story and turn my awareness into that? How do I break free? How do I let go of my emotions? How do I just be? Because I don’t want to be this character/person anymore. I can’t barely stand seeing myself in the mirror and I feel like Im full of anger and hate, even lashing out on others. If what I see with my human eyes isn’t real then is nothing real? Is nothing real, like is the ego, dreams, imagination, tv series, books etc not real at all and just exist when I turn my awareness to them? Am I everything everywhere all at once? Or am I just nothing, a void, and give reality to things but shifting my awareness towards them? I don’t know.

Sorry for all this rambling, I just don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading all this and Im sorry if I wasted your time. You must be tired from answering all these questions. I really appreciate what you do, your blog is one of the places that I go to try and understand this concept of non duality. 🩷

Hi! Thank you for the kind words.

I'm asking you to reread your ask because you answered all of your questions.

Everyone and everything that appears is you.

Without labels and ideas about what you are, you are nothing, or " "

You are " " which means everything is " "

Everything is happening at the same time, now

There is no imagination there is only " " experiencing " "

You were never the person that you want to get rid of, they're not real

Nothing is real other than your sense of being

Now is the time to see this for yourself. All of your questions and doubts will go away, but you have to experience it. You already answered your questions in the ask, now you need to trust yourself enough to take the leap of faith. It's very simple, all you have to do is look.

[hausofkae]

Die in traffic dumb bitch!

RE: blacksimlish, her outlandish remarks, allegations & strange case of main character syndrome + her group of minions.

once you start accusing people of things that are not only detrimental to their reputation, but also just insanely inaccurate, how they defend themselves is neither here nor there.

there’s no rules to this shit. they minimized this to it being just “sims” out of convenience, it fits the narrative they’re pushing. if im being harassed for months and weeks on end & then being accused for being amongst the same accounts doing that nasty behavior, im going to be as out pocket as the rumors & attacks are. it stopped being about sims when my character was attacked. it stopped being about sims when the name calling started and it stopped being about sims when ole girl’s personal information was leaked. im not going back and forth publicly anymore, but once my account is unlocked i will be reaching out to yall, trust that!

at no point have i ever excused or justified the doxing. i think that is something that is dangerous and overall unnecessary. if this continues to be a concern, i urge all of those involved to bring law enforcement into this matter. since it has become about safety, please seek all necessary legal means to resolve the matter. as i will fully cooperate to my accounts being subpoenaed and searched for its activity.

blacksim (whose first name is just learned today after her information was leaked btw!) gets to still be accusatory and proceed to be confused as to why she’s getting the reaction she is. the same language she’s using, if someone else said it to her she would be going on a rampage and weaponizing her blackness. but again, defending yourself is only fine when it’s them. defending your character is only acceptable when it’s that group. she is the only person that has ever been attacked on the internet, so anyone who retaliates is wrong.

you’re grasping at straws picking certain words to point the finger, when the reality is no one knows who did that. but AGAIN, they want someone to blame and me being as outspoken as i am made me one of the targets. COOL. what sense does it make to go to tumblr and send someone hate message anonymously when i’ve been arguing with you and your clique publicly? or are yall going to say ive sent this to myself?

the delusion has to stop. apparently im the first and ONLY person to use “woe is me”. to sit and search my tweets is obsessive and weird. all it proves is yall have been watching for months out of jealousy, seething at the mouth waiting to pounce.

i’ll defend my character however i see fit the same way you all do. i won’t be deactivating, deleting or hiding anything, i won’t be apologizing, i won’t be taking anything back. to sit up until 4am when other parties have stopped responding, creating a twitter space to keep talking about it & being weird just genuinely shows the drama is what fuels you. i’m not giving this shit anymore light publicly. for those who want the context, it’s there and they’ve found it and reached out to me.

you provoked a group of people for months on end & we all got tired of your harassment. period point blank. none of us doxed you, we told everyone on twitter about accounts that solely were around to harass, bully and send threats. at no point was that brought up to justify what was done. no one laughed about you being doxed. none of us encouraged it. there is no proof to that and it’s all talk.

again, i implore you to involve law enforcement if you feel your safety is at risk and i will be more than happy to have my lawyer speak on my behalf. unlike others, the lawyer talk is very legit. i don’t play about defamation. reach out to chat further regarding legal action so i can provide the necessary information. thank you.

[boydepartment]

ive noticed you tend to apologise a lot when youre tired and taking a break 😅 you shouldnt do that. youre a human, of course you'd feel tired sometimes. hope youre taking enough rest and recovering soon, no pressure to take and accept requests.

im sorry your interview went weird, but its good you pulled back the moment you found it sketchy. hopefully youd get a chance to accomplish your dream sometime soon in the future! take care jayjay

-🎄

hi it’s okay 🎄 anon :) i’m gonna use your ask to talk abt something if that’s okay, this isn’t @ you, i pinky promise.

i’m gonna be honest after valentine’s day i might just leave this account ? i don’t think ill delete anything but i just can’t be on tumblr or read any of the content i used to. i talked about it a bit a couple days ago i just want to elaborate more.

it makes me really just idk :/ i don’t like the community at all anymore and it’s been declining my mental for a bit. i love enha and all my people in the different groups i like, but i really really hate how some ppl write them and it just freaks me out REALLY bad. ESPECIALLY RIKI. like fuck some of you guys are so weird bruh…. and shameless. like you have no respect and don’t even on the “it’s not that serious.” you’re fucking weird. period. there’s no reason to make some of the shit you guys say public at all.

it’s been talked abt more recently how dubcon and dark fics are more common now and i can’t keep scrolling past it and seeing it. it freaks me out that people will write about actual people like that especially someone who lived at the receiving end of abuse like that. why would you want someone you love to be put in the situation of the abuser? like it doesn’t click to me and sometimes even scrolling past and seeing the tags and send me into a bad episode so i just can’t anymore. i don’t know how people think that’s okay to push their coping mechanism that’s darker and extremely damaging on an actual HUMAN BEING. coping mechanism or not that’s fucking weird. they may be idols but they are human beings too.

i’ve also had a few asks in my anon that are just straight up rude, demanding, or calling me weird for liking riki at all? like you are attacking the wrong girl i have nothing but respect for him. those anons are just stressing me out aswell and it’s just too much. i’m exhausted constantly being disrespected. tumblr is supposed to be a platform where i can get away and get lost in lighthearted stories and it’s not that for me anymore.

i might come back after i leave on valentine’s day but i need time to actually enjoy kpop like i used to. the fans are ruining it for me and it’s just been making me really depressed. i can’t even go on tiktok sometimes because of the fan bases. i’ve always been very open with you guys and like, i need to pull back from these fan bases and take care of myself. i barely eat, sleep, or enjoy anything anymore(that’s due to offline stuff but being on tumblr doesn’t help any of that at all). i miss having fun and the communities are ruining it.

[polyamorouspunk]

Hey friend, im really glad to see you doing better. Ill admit ive been a bit worried about you as of late, just been too sick and tired to formulate any meaningful things to say. Im also getting better now, so i can say it now. You mean alot to me, since youre a friend and a big part of why I ended up joining my local punk scene and finding these people i feel at home with. I think the world would be a much bleaker and darker place without you in it, and i know id miss your presence, as im sure quite a few others would too. Ily /p, and i am biting you affectionately forever. Hope things can keep going well for you, world knows you deserve a break. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to

<3

Thank you.

I’m not going to say that getting together with ⚡️ magically fixed everything in my life, there’s still a lot going on outside of that and details that need to be worked out and everything but the main weight of having this sort of back and forth hanging over my head after having a string of people act like they wanted to get with me or at least show interest in me only to then say that’s not what their intentions is gone for the most part now.

There’s been a lot of drama in my scene that I’ve been wrapped up in as well, nothing out of the ordinary or unusual for a punk scene, but I am starting to get a bit drained from the amount of shows and events. Better to be burnt out from social interaction with friends than from work or relationship drama.

I’m not feeling the best today, but it’s nowhere near the levels I have been feeling. I’m glad we were both able to find a home in a scene like the ones that we have, and I’m forever grateful that I found a dumbass of my own within the scene and she’s the fucking head of it all and her dumbass chose me of all people.

I can promise that things are better, I’m not in crisis mode anymore, and there’s a good chance I’m not going to slide back into crisis mode for a good while. I hate to say that my mental health has really been hinging on my relationship with ⚡️ because that’s really unfair of me to say but it has been. Being able to be with her in a much more solidified way has literally fixed like 90% of what has been wrong.

I’m feeling rather tired and sick myself today. I made an appointment with the doctor treating my fibro for today because last week I had a day where around 3pm my entire body started getting really sore out of nowhere, and then one morning I woke up with my legs already hurting and then the night before my birthday I nearly doubled the dosage of my pain meds and it was still hardly enough to get me to sleep, and today I woke up really sore and I’m still very tender and sore, but all he did was tell me to take calcium and magnesium so I’m just adding another pill to my nightly concoction. If it helps it helps I guess I just. You know. I don’t want to be u grateful because all things considered if one more pill helps that’s a very small price to pay vs upending my entire life or whatever.

This ask is at least a week old I think from when I announced that ⚡️ and I were back/more together, so I hope that you’ve been feeling better during that time and into now. Always good to hear from you.

[kidge-planet]

survivor

Pidge angst!!

We know that pidge have been through bullying and that her family was the only thing she had… But then, Sam and Matt disapeared…What if she hadn’t been strong enough?

This is an angst fic, the subjects are su**de, depre$$ion and bullying (quick mention of bullying). If one of these subjects trigger you, pass your way!!!!!!!!!!!

’’’’python

def open_file(private):

try:

with open(private_txt, ‘r’) as file:

content=private_txt.read()

print(content)

except FileNotFoundError:

print( ‘‘the file wasn’t found’’)

[...]

I don’t really know how to start… Well, if you read this, it means that im dead.

Sounds cliché and all, but it’s true, and im sorry.

I always give up at some point and I guess that I just reached my breaking point.

Times has been hard, lately. I mean, It has always been. But since dad and Matt left, nothing makes sense anymore. Their death seem so strange and I know you won’t listen to me, but I can tell that there is something that the Garrison doesnt tell us… I did everything I could to find it out but every thing I found were small pieces… The rest is missing and I did everything I could to figure it out.

All that to say, two of the only things that were keeping me alive left, you are now all that I have, mom ( and Bae’).

I tried to be strong but you know how weak I am. I can’t.

You know, im tired.

Im tired to be the weird one,

Im tired that other people take advantage of me all the time, I hate it.

Im tired to feel scared of mans,

Im tired of never standing for myself because im not brave enough.

Im tired of being scared,

Im tired to lose everyone I care about.

Im tired of my name,

Im tired of people calling me.

Im tired of myself,

tired of my body,

Im tired.

Im sick because of all that. It is to me the right reason to stop.

I swear, I tried so hard to change, I tried to be normal. But I came to the conclusion that you can’t change what you are. I will always be all that I hate, all that makes me tired, all that makes me sick.

Im probably not important to that world, less than I thought. You know, I really thought that I would do something amazing. But I guess that dad made me believe this. And he’s not here now.

I want to write every words to maybe live somehow, but meh, too lazy.

THIS is my last good bye to this freaking discusting world (That I hope will change).

I love you mom. You’ve always been there for me. All my tiny life.

Thank you for being a good person in this fucking world. Like, fuck everything and everyone, except you.

I hate it so much.

I HATE goodbyes.

But I guess it is for the best.

Im sorry.

I LOVE YOU,

-Katie

After reading this, Hunk turnes towards Lance and Keith that were behind him, reading that same farewell letter. Initially, Both Hunk and Lance wanted to have a revange on Pidge after she pranked them…

But they simply wanted to find an ambarassing picture of her… Not that horrifying paragraph...

They swore to never tell Pidge about that and gave up on trying to prank her…

sometimes, we don’t know a lot about our friends pasts… And sometimes, it better stay unknown.

A/N: this is my very late halloween fic! When I wrote it, I felt like it was a bit cringe but whatever... I still hope that you "enjoyed" reading it, even tho it is a litteral sui**de note----- Be careful about the ones you love, help people that are living a tough moment and of course, take great care of yourself! Never be scared to ask for help! Sui**de is never the solution and that fic does not encourage it!

[whatdaliloves]

I don’t know how this works but people keep messaging me but most of them are either scams or just faked profiles. Please don’t do that, like I’m already embarrassed enough coming here and now I’m answering people who don’t even want to share my go fund me. I have always been embarrassed to ask for help so I’ve never done it but my depression is getting out of control and have taken me to a very dark place to the point I wrote a letter to my husband and kids explaining why the would be so much better without me but luckily I am still strong enough to not do something stupid. So my story is and the reason why I’m asking for help might feel stupid for some of you or you might not understand. I have no place to live because I can’t really find work the way I look. I was staying with my mother in law but she treated my son so bad that I could t stay there any longer so now we’ll I’m staying wherever my car takes me. I lost all my teeth because I used to over produced calcium but one day it kind of just changed and I didn’t have enough calcium in my body but I didn’t know that was the reason why my teeth were all breaking down. Now I have no teeth and dentures are really expensive so I can’t get them and looking like this I just don’t talk to anyone anymore and I have my husband do everything. I hate myself and the way I look. I just want to be able to get dentures so I can get a job so I’m asking anyone that can donate even a dollar or share it with friends I will be so thankful and it will be deeply appreciated so thank you in advance. I would never ask anyone for money but I’m desperate and so tired of feeling defeated. Here is the link to my go fund me page and again Im asking for whatever you can do to help me. Thank you again!

https://gofund.me/fa43d411

[desperate2lose]

hi, i’m Des. i haven’t had an @na/mi@ account since i was probably 14. that was the last time i was thin. all my life i have had weight issues, which i now know are due to PCOS (i’m ftm, have been for 12 yrs). the only 2 times i was ever thin were when i was 9 because i played sports, and when i was 14 because i was r3stricting. i’m 5’6, and i should be somewhere in the 120-150 range to be considered healthy. my lowest was 130 in high school. i’m currently at my highest, somewhere between 250-280. at about 18 i started ballooning, rapidly gaining weight no matter how much i worked out. since then i’ve rel@psed a couple times but it never stuck because i was so scared of being how i was in high school.

back then i was a zombie. due to mental health issues but also because of my ed. i was constantly tired and sad and i wanted to be a skeleton. i preferred being d3@d thin rather than fat and alive. i don’t feel that way anymore. i don’t want to be underw3ight, i don’t want to d!3. i want to be thin, i want to lose.

i’m aware that reverting to this lifestyle and r3stricting isn’t the healthy way to lose. however, it’s the only thing that has worked for me in the past. and i believe it’s the only way to regain my self control. i definitely b!nge sometimes for emotional reasons and i am not okay with that. whenever i’ve tried to diet in a “healthy” way, i fall off of it, or i don’t hold myself accountable enough.

i feel like i’m the type of person where if i say i’ll only eat 1200 cals it turns to 1500. if i say i’ll only eat omad it’ll end up being tmad. so my theory is that i have more than enough to lose, so if my goal is to eat n0thing, i’ll probably fail but still progress.

some things i’m trying to avoid:

• ending up malnourished

i plan on taking vitamins and if i do eat, making sure it’s the right type of food to get me thru my physical job/working out/life.

• my mental health declining

i’ve been working very hard on my mh and i’m not going to throw that away. so i’ll be tracking my moods and modifying what/how much i eat to keep myself stable.

• “⭐️vation mode”

i dont want to end up keeping my fat on because my body goes into this mode. so i’m gradually going to reduce my calories over probably 6 weeks.

• going under my ugw

if i even hit my ugw it’ll be a miracle, but i don’t want to become so @ddicted to r3stricting that i continue rather than maintaining if i eventually get there.

• my loved ones finding out

i plan on making it seem like im just changing my lifestyle. i don’t want to lie, so i’m hoping no one will notice.

• failing

pretty much the only perk of me being obese right now is that my doctor wants to put me on appetite suppressants. i just have to figure out which i’d rather have, do some bloodwork, and then i’m golden.

DISCLAIMERS

i’m not in the mindset to be swayed into not r3l@psing. so pls don’t try to convince me.

i’m not fatphobic. i don’t see anyone worth less no matter what their body looks like. this is solely about me and how i see myself.

i’m not into shaming/triggering each other on purpose to promote progress. you can do that but leave me out of it. if i see anyone insulting me, i’m blocking them, period.

i (in general, sometimes i have bad days) do not hate myself. i understand that this corner of the internet tends to have a lot of self hatred, sh, etc. that’s not where i am in life. this is strictly about w3ight to me. if you are sewer slidal, post sh, talk about sh, or constantly post self hatred, i probably won’t follow you. i hope you love yourself soon though.

any tips on how to lose/vitamins to take/recipes/etc are appreciated.

so thats basically it. im gonna be blogging some kind of mix between ana and d!et stuff. some healthy stuff. some not healthy stuff. i’m not trying to fit in any boxes, just trying to figure out what works for me because i am so fucking desperate to lose at this point.

[poohwhin]

woo life update #2 bc i have internet now & am not actually losing my mind.

HELLO ‼️ yeah like end of march/the entirety of april was quite literally the worst time of my life and i am very. tired. a hiatus was vv much needed. (plus i didnt have wifi anyways so its not like i could do much here even i wanted to.)

i’m still not back. bc things are still vv rocky. (& literally stressing myself to death for a month and a half has left me physically ill SKSKSKS). but here are some small things that’ve happened !

1): i don’t have a laptop anymore. so when i do eventually decide to come back art is gonna be in a very weird spot. (im using my mom’s ipad rn but i also dont have an apple pencil so drawing with a stylus is odd).

^ adding onto that point. i also scrapped everything i was working on beforehand. i had already backlogged myself, so having to start using a whole new device just gave me the push to scrap all the ideas i had, and refocus myself. (most of them were just gifts for friends & birthdays i missed. :( but its okay hopefully you guys will have more sksksk).

for the time being i think i’m just gonna be making things i feel like making. ever since i started on tumblr i’ve always treated it like a job bc ive always thought it was unfair to those who followed me, and it was seriously starting to diminish my love for certain things (especially as i got into more things like genshin n honkai; feeling like i had to make an absurd amount of content everyday so things seemed ‘fair’ really just tanked my mood). but after taking a month break i was like “yo these are my blogs i should just do what i want.” SO ‼️ virek is still around & i’m still working on him, but there isn’t any set schedule bc i like a lot of things rn, and am just only gonna work on him when i’m in the right mood 🫂 (i don’t wanna end up hating him)

2): i’ve gotten really into honkai star rail & am already close to doing everything there is to do. so now i have more old people in my arsenal to draw.

not much has happened besides me sleeping/gaming to distract from literally everything else going on in my life. so forgive me for my absence 🫶 but hopefully i’ll be doing a lot better when i come back <3 (again the hiatus was. much needed. bc anyone who speaks to me literally ever knows that i can never actually take a break. thankfully this time i was forced to <3. and still kinda am bc our wifi is kicking on and off still & is vv janky but ANYWAYS. ILY GUYS 🫶 GIVE ME LIKE ANOTHER HALF YEAR AND I’LL BE BACK AND NOT GOING INSANE /j)

[alexandraswords]

F*CK NORMAL

An overdue ending to a (un)well decorated drinking career.

Introduction

Friday, June 9, 2023 9:28 AM

Today is one of those days where I am just tired, and a bit bored, but mostly tired. I am exhausted. Mentally at least. I have really been putting my all into my sobriety to the point where my day revolves around meetings but im starting to lose momentum. I have a headache, the dog wont stop barking, i'm trying to pop the zits on my face. Basically being alone with my discontented ass self is not something I'm great at... yet.

I should meditate or journal or text another AA member. But I just want to sleep and be normal and relax. But fuck normal.

I thought drinking was normal. I thought my diet of vodka and water and the occasional box of cheez-its was adulting. I thought I was mature and well refined and socially acceptable because I drank, just like everyone else, because, you know, drinking is normal... right?

Wrong. Not for me. I am NOT normal. So I have to do abnormal shit to keep my addictive eating disordered alcoholic riddled ass self sober and happy. I have to keep listening to other people because me making my own decisions landed me in a crack den sharing a room with a friend I would consider a sibling, whom which a fought with constantly to the point where I dragged the mattress from our third floor apartment (if you consider that uninhabitable shit hole, an apartment) down out side below out kitchen window so if I jumped maybe the universe would send me a sign saying that it is or isn't time yet. Okay so I didn't actually do that, but I sure as shit thought about it... a lot. Like a lot. I mean i couldn't even barely walk to the bathroom let alone haul some shit down the stairs. Hell, I wouldn't even walk across the street to get my own liquor. I would bribe my roommate by telling him if he went for me and took my card he could buy something for myself. I just didn't care anymore. I hated everything. I hated that I had to be loaded to be able to walk because my shakes were so bad. I hated that I had to drink to even feel sober and functional and not hallucinate and vomit and dry heave bright green bile. And worst of all I hated that I had lost control.

My eating disorder and my alcoholism made my reality disappear. The food temporarily until my life became a cage, and the nicest word I can think of to name it would be a vomitorium because it was actually that repulsive if you could see inside the walls of it. The alcohol took control over me so I didn't have to deal with food, but also made it so I didn't worry or care about ANYTHING. 

So I guess this is how I'm going to start this ... whatever rant of words form a book. Where I'm at right now. Because right now is all I have. Yes, I am in full self pity mode, but if there's one thing I've learned from AA it's that I need to take action, and never have I ever felt worse after going to a meeting. So,lets go fucking make our bed, and meditate or some shit and get ready for today. So, yeah, Fuck Normal.

So, Why the fuck not?

I got most talkative in fifth grade. The english section of my English SAT’s, I aced. People (my boyfriend) seem to like my writing and have told me If I don’t do something with it, then they’ll publish it themselves… which I’m pretty sure falls into the lines of plagiarism but lets be honest here. I am probably one of the biggest procrastinators when it comes to doing something that is actually good for me. Why? The fuck if I know. Maybe because all I’ve known has been chaos and panic since, like,  forever, that when it comes to the real things, like happiness and joy and pride in work that I’VE DONE… well, I'm just not used to that type of thing.  But I figured, fuck it. I can write a book. All i have to do is elaborate on how awesome I am at self sabotaging and add in some very few lessons I picked up and am still learning day by day. Basically I’ve decided its time to just put all my shit in one bound piece of parchment instead of having to explain my life story to everyone as if its my first day with a new therapist. 

But alas, melodramatic Alex is bored and avoiding meditating, to keep her shit together and be healthier, obviously,  because that would actually be beneficial to my well being. So for now i’ll just throw it in one of the corners in the back of my mind while it slowly simmers into a pot of anxiety attack soup while I try and explain to you (briefly before the pot starts boiling) how fucking insanely delusionally fantastically fucked my life is, and how I got here, and why I wouldn’t change one second of it for anything. But I mean, there’s forwards and shit in books right? So can this be like a PS after the main intro forward? ‘Cause This sober bitch has to go meditate before a meeting so I can stay mindful in my sobriety and not add homicide to my list of criminal activities. (That was a joke) So for now, just for today, Namaste Sober. 

P.P.S- enjoy the buffet of garbage that hopefully is not similar to mine. But if you can and most likely will relate if you’re reading this (most likely because my clever title struck a chord in your twisted little heart) then just know, you're not alone in this shit show, but no one ever really puts the shit show on the ‘gram now do they?

[aspd-culture]

a little bit of a vent but also a question. someone said i was “collecting disorders” and now i feel like shit. all because i wanted the aspd role in a discord server because i think i have aspd when i already think i have bpd/npd and have those roles. they pretty much lied about me too about other things in order to make me look bad and “call me out”. i was so stressed and paralyzed. my heart started racing and my stomach dropped. i feel like i went into flight mode. i hate confrontation. i didn’t defend myself because i thought that would make me look like a loser who cares. i thought to myself they’re not worth a reaction anyways. i decided that defending myself is not worth the mental hassle. they can think what they want and it doesn’t matter to me. this is just fan behavior. this is how i justified not defending myself and just leaving the server (which i don’t like in the first place).can a person with aspd have this type of a reaction? i feel like the typical reaction would be to fight back but im so tired of fighting and the toll it takes on me. i get such an adrenaline rush and my body starts shaking and i feel the need to fight but these days i just can’t. these fights aren’t worth it to me anymore. these people don’t deserve my effort, even if it’s a fight.

Ooo let's see if I can piss off an ableist today (not you, the people who say bs like "collecting disorders"). I have 8 professionally diagnosed mental health conditions, one I am currently in the process of being assessed for, and a handful of other symptoms we have as of yet been unable to place under a particular diagnosis.

There is no such thing as "collecting diagnoses" and that phrase is arguably one of the most ableist things I have ever been forced to read and hear multiple times since the beginning of my mental health journey. The gall of some people to *make fun* of another person and accusing them of faking because they struggle with more disorders than you think is acceptable? Fuck that. Blatant and obvious ableism. You are valid. Idc how many diagnoses you have, self or otherwise, you are valid to me because I am not a professional and even if I was, I am not your professional.

The DSM-V specifically calls out that multiple cluster b disorders can be diagnosed comorbid. They have similar development criteria so it makes sense that if you have one, there is an increased chance you may have more than one. In fact, if you have been diagnosed with one pd, you are more likely to be diagnosed with a second one than you were to be diagnosed with the first.

What you described from them is some major fan behavior, and I'm proud of you for leaving the server. That is exactly what I would have done for the same reasons. Let them talk, they are just showing everyone who matters how ableist they are anyway. And for the record, the people they are trying to seem cool to (reddit-type ableists) are already going to hate them for being in a mental health server.

They are playground bullies and I'll tell you what I learned about playground bullies very young; the easiest way to ruin their day is to completely ignore what they're saying.

They thrive off the attention and validation they get from your hurt and your anger. The fact that you left ruined their fun, I promise. Maybe they kept talking shit to try and make it fun again, but deep down each of them knows that once the person they attempted to victimize neither shrunk down nor got angry, it was no fun anymore.

So yeah, many pwASPD may have fought back against it, but it is definitely aspd-culture to ruin their fun and get the ultimate revenge of refusing them the dopamine of a reaction.

You did a great job, and you *are* valid. It sucks that you had to deal with them, and anything you feel about it is valid too. There are people who won't treat you that way, I promise.

[overelias]

Recently, I moved back home for the summer. (CW:ED)

Some background: I’ve been healing (my therapist hates the term “in recovery” for whatever reason) from anorexia nervosa, which I was diagnosed with in January of this year. Of course, the ED has been prevalent in my life for many years, but it only got bad very recently (i.e. when I moved away to school). It’s been a really, really hard process.

Coming back home has made it both better and worse. I have noticeably gained weight, which my parents and doctors would say is good. My clothes are tighter, my stomach is softer, and I take up more space on my couch. Skin brushes skin in places it hasn’t in years, and my ass actually provides some cushion again. I can no longer run for an hour straight (my therapist banned me from the gym for several months and I only recently got permission to go back) and my arms burn from only 12 lbs weights. The defined muscles that came with starvation are protected by a layer of fat. It’s all good and it’s all bad.

Every day, it gets a little harder not to slip. Every morning, I wake up and restrict, then force myself not to restrict, then restrict again. I catch myself in the mirror and resist the urge to pinch my waist or suck in my belly. I feel my rolls under my shirt and hold myself back from running, running, running. I eat bread and fats. I have ice cream after dinner. I watch my friends peel fat off their bacon and order salads for dinner and I want to scream at them, shake them, slap them, run from them. I hate eating but I feel addicted. I crave the pain of an empty stomach, but Im terrified of disappointment. I feel like I’m drowning, but I don’t want to tell my therapist anymore. I want to talk to someone who GETS it, someone who won’t just tell me what to do, but who will cry with me when I have to get a new pair of jeans, both because they’re proud but also because they get the pain of healing.

Anyway. Im proud of where I am and I wouldn’t change it for the world (at least, I tell myself that). It’s hard, and it’s lonely. But I made banana bread with chocolate chips and walnuts with a friend who I haven’t seen in months, and I ate it while it was still steaming and moist.

That’s all. I doubt anyone will read this because I don’t really have any mutuals, but I just had to get it out into the world. Especially because I’m so fucking tired of seeing all the pro-ana talk.