#im just so sad because i want to make genuine connections with ppl!!!

[angxlcream]

making friends is so exhausting

[grossillygirl]

im sad. extremely sad actually yeah. very sad indeedy.

[lettucedloophole]

spoilers for the latest dungeon meshi ep but oh my GODDD i love marcille my pobrecita.. i think ryoko kui wrote sexism's effects on marcille really well, i think it's neat how she's a silly little guy and other people kind of underestimate her and it seems she is often down on herself about her failures or, "burdening" others in a way that feels very authentic to how it feels to be a woman and have that extra pressure of perfection to dispell suspicions of your inferiority. it's just very much the feeling i gather from it which makes marcille so relatable. and then to put another layer on it when it came out that she did black magic, she's literally A Bad Ass she is LITERALLY a Badass which makes her doubt of herself even more starkly inappropriate, and in this new episode despite the Fact that she is A Bad Ass when everyone's being a BIG MEANIE to her she's like a sad puppy when people don't let her help with revivals and like idk if i missed something but she doesn't even push back against them saying they're going to turn her in in like, a threatening way, she is just... scared. which hurt me i just wanted everyone stop being so MEAN TO HERRR my POBRECITAAAA. MY TINY LITTLE BABYY

i also laughed a lot and freaked out catching up on the two latest episodes today. DEVASTATING miscalculation on chilchuck's part to protect senshi when laois has No sense of Social cue. really happy to see laois and kabru meet, they're really funny together and i see why people like them so much as a ship now!! i am ECSTATIC that shuro is out of the game in terms of ehem. courting falin. bro COULDN'T HACK IT gEDDEM marcille. get that red dragon lady.. and omg it made me SOOOO MAD that they tried to blame marcille for that like how could that even b her fault!!! >:((( its obv the mad mage's doing. i dont get it they r just big meanies!!! stop shitting on my girl!!!

i like how kabru is like laios if he had more social awareness and was a litle Conniving... and omfg i thought it was so funny and sweet how shuro and laios just fucking beat each other up 😭 shuro said i hate autistic ppl fr. no but im glad he showed up for laios & co. in the end.. sometimes you just gotta talk ur feelings out over a fistfight lol

it was soo so fun seeing everyone interact .. all these fun characters... i cant wait to see what happens next!!! i love this show literally one of my fav animes EVER now definitely its so good its SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!! im terrified not knowing when its gonna end and how im gonna cope when the season ends 🗿 methinks i will have to read the manga instantly after or i will go insane from dungeon meshi withdrawal..

[gatheringbones]

genuine question: how do you stand the loneliness? i'm in my mid 20s and ive never been loved in a way that didnt hurt. i dont want to have to run after ppl begging for the smallest scrap of affection anymore but i keep turning up ppl who, even though they are interested in me and seem generally decent, arent ready to lower their walls and let me in, so its either that or nothing, and im so fucking lonely. i try to bury myself in work and going out as much as i can, but sometimes it hits me, and i dont know how to stand it anymore. i just want to be able to be kind to someone and treat them with all the love and affection i have, and not have to guard myself at the same time or be afraid of them or feel like i can never be sure with them. i think you've been lonely like that for a long time, too, and i dont have anyone who understands. i know the only advice you can give is probably "endure and continue to have self respect", but i dont know how to do that without also becoming small, and sad, and worn out from all the loneliness. if there's anything you can think of that helped you get through it, please tell me--i dont want to burden or overwhelm you, but i dont know what to do anymore, and like i said, you seem like you've survived a couple of those sorts of droughts and i dont have anyone else to talk to about this

so on those first few early dates with c when she was either driving an hour up north or I was taking the bus two hours down to see her, I was so rattled by the experience of building intimacy with someone else that I couldn’t really think of what we ought to do with each other on our dates. In the end I decided: we would just do what I ordinarily did to build intimacy with myself, which meant taking lots of long walks all over residential seattle. and I’d been living there for over ten years at that point, getting around either by walking or by bus. before that I’d lived in the sticks. before that I’d lived in the part of the sticks that wasn’t connected to the power grid. my earliest memories are long lonely walks. long lonely walks were my primary coping mechanism for debilitating post traumatic stress and survivor’s guilt. and with c it was wild because. it was exactly like going on these walks with myself, only I was more of myself and these walks were more of what they were. what’s more the internal map of the city I had built in my feet over a decade was suddenly of use. all of the time and neurons I had put into building it were relevant to the present situation.

i packed a backpack once. water and a cheeseboard with a little cheese knife and a can of prosecco and a can of kirin for c and lots of little cheeses and salamis and fruits and veggies and chocolate almonds. And I took c on a long meandering walk that I knew from memory; fremont to the crown hill cemetery to the stairs leading down to golden gardens to the beach at sunset. all places I’d been by myself and taken my friends to before. places I’d taken myself to after packing myself a snack and bringing my journal and quite literally staring across the water at a home that would kill me if I ever returned to it. all that time mattered. the time I had spent in that place making those friendships and mourning that life and building that intimacy with myself and the city mattered.

All the years before— giving, giving, gifts to those who could not care, would not give back. How well we made a feast together. Those years of waste were over.

[polyamorousmood]

hi! i'd love to get some sympathy/advice/etc from other ppl about this. so long story short my girlfriend (wonderful amazing great i am so happy with her) has a boyfriend, and i at first their rs was meant to be ephemeral, but then things changed and they realized they could make a longform commitment work out, so they tried! problem is, during the trial run, the guy realized poly wasnt working for him and he failed to communicate this well, so it caused a situation where he was very much just fishing for my partner to get in a closed rs with him. when she expressed how hurtful and wrong that was, he apologized and changed his behavior and after some more various ups and downs we've now settled into a pretty good situation where he's giving polyamory a serious try and seems sincerely committed to making it good! i trust my gf wholeheartedly and i want nothing but the best for them both, and for that brief period of time where it was ok we even had 3person dates and really special interactions, so i came to sincerely like guy a decent bit and i am cautiously but sincerely optimistic. however, by having to admit shit to himself, he's now of the mind that he'd like a much more segmented-off rs with my partner, which is fine, but also the resentment he felt towards not being able to have my gf all to himself made him lose his positive feelings towards me and now he expresses a (his words) 'goodwilled indifference' and we havent even Talked since he tried to effectively ultimatum my gf out of being poly. and that is just SO hurtful when i know i did absolutely nothing wrong to warrant the loss of what i felt was a genuinely precious and positive connection, and like, the first time ive had the chance to have a metamour! like as someone who really cares about learning how to admit fault i really cannot stress enough how much i didnt do jack shit here i was just vibing and trying to be nice and now it's just this sad thing i have to deal with. i know it has everything to do with his own preferences and insecurities and nothing to do with me, but i still feel a big child-like sense of betrayal and injustice and it makes me want to be mean and bitter and defensive ("well if you dont give a shit about me and wanna pretend i don't exist, then im gonna do the same! how do you like that, huh?" type beat). i know those feelings are to be worked with and worked through instead of acted upon, but it's still hard :-( i dont really miss *him*, really, i just miss not being in a polycule that has a member who struggles so much with polyamory. and though i trust her deeply, i am still sad and worried that this is a precarious situation that can end up hurting my partner and hampering her ability to feel free and happy in polyamory, which only adds to my mistrusting of the guy. anyone else in a similar situation, havin' to work with a poly-newbie metamour or something similar? im not crazy for getting bad vibes, despite my best hopes for them? thank you either way, i dont know enough poly people irl and ive been bursting with this shit for a bit so it helps even to just ramble it out

Yeah, I've been in similar places. Just putting the read more immediately because I don't have a good pithy introduction. But uh, TL;DRI guess? 🤷‍♀️: its totally fair for you to struggle with some negative feelings. But you are still in it together (even if he's pretending you don't exist) and the only way to the other side is through.

Its shitty, its exhausting, its infuriating. And it's all the more frustrating that you like... don't even WANT to be mad at him cause he DID apologize and now he IS trying to change the shitty parts, so you WANT to encourage that. Feels very

And it puts your mutual partner in the tough spot of having to balance⚖️ things between you two if he's unwilling to talk to you. And like, you're stuck waiting for him to come around, you can't even really DO anything, its all on HIM to prove he's not going to be an asshole forever.

And you kinda resent him for causing this much trouble basically all on his own! And then thinking he can still get all the good shit after stirring the pot! Like he tried to break you up and now you have to be the bigger person?? What kinda bullshit--

Fucking. Sucks.

I do have some advice, though as with most things, its not magic 🪄

🤬Be mad for a little bit! Allow yourself to feel it. You're not gonna wallow 🐖there, but let it hit you full force how much you dislike being in this bullshit situation. Maybe have a cry about it or throw some darts at his picture 🎯. Then, and only then,

Set it aside. Set the anger aside in your mind, set the situation aside in your discussions. Say "yup, sucks. Moving on..." and enjoy the good parts of your life.

As part of that, remember polyamory is a big ask for people who've never done it before. Him even just politely ignoring you is likely, in his mind, him compromising on everything he's believed in for years and the fundamentals of what his life will look like. That's a big deal. It's hard to do after there was previously a higher standard set, but try to give him some credit for that anyway. (Again. You are probably going to have to Be Mad first to be able to do this. That's okay. Don't skip ahead.)

I don't think having approximately the same attitude back is necessarily a bad strategy. Maybe don't do it with the petulance you presented in the ask 😝 but if you're able to just gently, non-judgmentally accept neutrality as a mode of operating with him... might save you a lot of trouble honestly🤷. Warmth is great and all, but I think it runs the risk of you burning out and feeling greater resentment down the line if it stays one sided (but you know yourself better than I do, so if you can handle it, power to you).

Know your feelings about this really well. Know what you're good with 👍, know what bothers you but you're willing to do for the good of the polycule😖, and know what really upsets you👎. Is this something you can make work long term? What changes would you need to have it work long term (including progress from him, accommodations from your partner, etc)?

Consider confronting him directly. You'll know better if that's actually a good idea in this situation than I will, but consider it. It may help you move past things to air your feelings, it may help him understand you better and vice versa, and it may lay the groundwork for a more functional relationship down the line. I must admit bias here. It is VERY important to me that things can be relaxed with my metas. The idea of refusing to engage with me feels like they're refusing to engage with the very concept of polyamory, and I that cannot work in my life - like, I run a poly blog you can guess how I value polyamory 😂 If you can be comfortable with something closer to parallel polyamory, this may be unnecessary.

And of course, through all of this, you have to talk to your partner. All of it. If you have a tendency to martyr yourself so as not to stress your partner out, overpower that tendency for this one. You are NOT doing your partner any favors by doing bottling it up. 🍾

For example, earlier I said your partner is going to have to balance things between you and your meta. It may be tempting to think you can spare her some of that by shrinking your feelings and needs, so maybe you'll just bite your tongue. However, she has to do the work anyway, and forcing her to work with incomplete information actually makes the balancing that much harder. While you shouldn't harp on them about it, she should know where you're at in all this. You owe your partner the ability to make informed decisions, and your happiness and ability to sustain a certain set-up is going to be an important factor to them! Tell them your misgivings, tell them if its going to take you some time to forgive him his bullshit, tell them if you are okay with something in the short term but don't know if you can spring it long term, tell them if you need a break from thinking about the whole damn situation. (And of course, as always, tell your partner when something feels good or is going well 😊)

It can be recovered. It will require patience. Hang in there. 🤗 I admire your commitment to figuring it out, and it sounds like you have a splendid partner who is just as committed to making it workable. I'm rooting for you all 💙💖🖤

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

I'm seeing a lot of online creators I follow falling into increasingly toxic styles of Online Brainrot "Discourse" and its making me really sad. They're getting that flat-behind-the-eyes, closed-mouth-wide-smile look where you can SEE the empathy, kindness and connection to reality dying.

I want to comment and tell them I'm worried abt them but ik it comes off as condescending. at least one of them is a lot younger than me (19yo) and as someone who went through a version of this at that age, it breaks my heart. I know I may just have to unfollow and let them hit rock bottom on this themselves, but.... Christ! Fuck!!!!

and the worst part is that they all seem totally convinced that they've ESCAPED The Brainrot, that they're COMBATTING it, that they've found the "truth" behind the Brainrot and are the ones (sometimes ~The Only Ones~) who are brave enough to tell the world. its not conspiracy crap, just really REALLY bad takes like

"fandom is inherently anti-intellectual, discourages analysis and understanding of texts and needs to be slowed/stopped/actively fought against BECAUSE FANDOM IS DANGEROUS!!!1!!!1!!!1"

or

"being the CEO of a children's clothing brand automatically puts you at suspicion of being a P3d0 because why else would you look at little children's bodies so much" (this one baffles me fr, like??? where do you think all children's clothes come from if not from people designing and making them?)

like just bad, stupid takes that border on paranoia but also you can kinda see how they escalated from other less drastic Terminally Online mindsets

but these ppl used to be saying stuff that was smart, or at least funny and interesting, and in a lot of cases these opinions/styles of content are 180-degree shifts over a week or even a day

like honey. i mean this with all the care and genuine respect I can give. you're not serving hot takes, you're wrong- but more importantly your behavior is really concerning. you're starting fights in your comments and then putting them on blast in main posts/reels. "the haters" have become a stock character for you. you're doing 180 turns on things that used to be core beliefs. please get offline, like FULLY offline, and re-discover the world for a while- and maybe really do seek help. not in the funny online-insult "seek help". I Am Really Worried About You.

god. fuck. so many of these content creators are like 19 years old, and honestly I wish I could magically be in a role/place/physical location to help them because I'M WORRIED. worried like checking-their-feed-now-scares-me-because-im-worried-they-will-have-harmed-themselves. not because they've made any threats but bc their regular content has shifted so drastically and quickly to be angry, cynical and that kind of smiling-with-nothing-behind-the-eyes self-centered Righteous Hate that is indicative of

well

of something going deeply wrong inside

fuck im sry this is just rly upsetting me rn

(ALSO TO BE CLEAR. THIS IS NOT A VAGUEPOST TO ANYONE ON TUMBLR. THIS IS HAPPENING PRIMARILY OR ENTIRELY ON OTHER PLATFORMS. TUMBLR IS THANKFULLY, FOR THE MOST PART, FAR PAST THIS. TUMBLR IS FOR ALL ITS FAULTS A WELL REGULATED ECOSYSTEM THAT KEEPS THIS KIND OF BS LIMITED TO CERTAIN SMALL ECHO CHAMBERS. ITS WHY IM ON HERE AS MY PRIMARY SOCIAL MEDIA.)

[fairycosmos]

Want a friend/friends so badly. Want someone to express my thoughts and interests to without shame, who won't judge me too hard. It's so lonely. I feel like my life is empty. It's 100% parasocial but I like your blog because who you are and what you post. It's comforting in sense

stopp i feel you so much but it makes me so sad how common this feeling is and also how estranged ppl are from one another that even just having someone who listens to you consistently is a tall order. and not because of you at all or anything but just because of the nature of the circumstances we live in. i know internet friendships don't make up for a lack of genuine community and i really suck at being present enough in my own mind to be great at constant conversation, but i would love to hear from you and get to know you for real. it's completely natural to want companionship and to want to be heard and you don't have to do anything to inherently deserve that, you just do. would love to know what ur into and what ur Opinion is on things! feel free to message me anytime, bc i am pathologically lonely too LOL it's so hard to connect and i get it more than i can articulate. and thank u so much for the kind words ❤️ im really glad you feel a sense of comfort or catharsis in my blog. it makes me feel less isolated too. sending a hug. X

[notcolleen]

tw for very rambling suicidal ideation behind this, i promise i am safe 👌 (but blunt talk about death and rambles abt cats and mentions of pokémon 👌)

[[MORE]]

but i have not been this actively suicidal for extended amount of time probably ever, yet i say that knowing that i will stay alive indefinitely……..just really really really sad all the time 😌 (so please know that too and allow me to write this out lol)

it’s just a very overwhelming sense of staying alive out of obligation and that’s not exactly what dbt would call a Life Worth Living

but i am obligated to my cat first and foremost (as ridiculous as that might sound to some but i know others will understand lol) and to my family as well, and the guilt of leaving them overwhelms me even though i know logically i wouldn’t be alive to feel it….like i look at phoebe (the cat in question for those who don’t know) and i see a wonderful animal who didn’t sign up to be taken in by a severely depressed human — she deserves unconditional care and love and that is what i agreed to when i adopted her so that is why i am obligated to stay alive as long as she is alive

plus on a more practical level, when my ideation gets to the point of “okay let’s try to find an equally loving home for her ! maybe even someone who has more space and more time and more emotional bandwidth !” im like wow that would be pretty obvious to anyone that knows you that something is wrong lmao and also i get so sad at the thought of not having her in my life……..which contradicts the “i actually want to be dead” ideation and brings on my next unwavering reason to stay around……which is my extreme fear of death and the unknown

like…….that’s terrifying and idk how it’s just basically accepted that we as humans exist and then stop existing? and that’s it? like a hs classmate of mine just passed away less than a week ago and i can’t stop thinking about it, i selfishly can’t stop thinking how unfair it is that i am sitting here, literally abusing my body every minute of the day and not taking care of any part of my self and yet my health is essentially perfect?? yet she was genuinely one of the nicest ppl in this horrible town and breast cancer took her life and if that doesn’t prove that this life has no logic at all idk what does

and it’s terrifying bc i can’t comprehend what happens after bc in my mind there just can’t logically be any after but there also can’t logically be nothing so it’s just….overwhelming blankness

so now i wake up every day and i cry on my walk to work because i have the same compulsive thoughts about dying at the same spots on the same walk bc my brain is dumb and repeats everything

but also keep thinking about how that would affect the kids i work with, who tell me they love me every day and hug me even though they’re not supposed to and tell me i’m they’re favorite teacher when they’re not supposed to but it’s really only because i’m the only one that knows pokémon enough to print out the coloring sheets they want so it’s conditional love but i don’t even care bc it’s real to them and to me

but then i cry more bc i love them too but i still want to die and they would move on quickly but it would still be something in their life that they certainly dont deserve and wouldn’t understand

so i go to work and i pretend to be a good, caring person and it’s exhausting bc i am not, so i get home and it’s like a switch is flipped and i am an entirely different person with no moral compass and no desire to connect with anyone or be around anyone or do anything…..like at this point i have alienated everyone in my life and can’t see myself getting to a place where i can build connections again, my only social interactions rn are work and i get frustrated that i have to make the same small talk with my coworkers every day, i get frustrated that i have to partake in social niceties or that im expected to go to holiday parties and have lunches with these people who don’t actually know me and i don’t actually know them??

i did have thanksgiving with my family tonight and i know i have so much love for them, and i felt safe there for that time……but there was still this underlying emptiness to everything and even conversations with them, the people i am closest with and really the only ones i talk to anymore, felt surface level in a way that frustrates me and i can’t articulate it accurately but it’s exhausting and i am tired

and i was getting more anxious as i was getting ready to leave my parents bc the time alone after being with family is the hardest for me and my dad turned to my sister…..who had just had another fight with her husband….and said “just so you know, you can stay here tonight, you’re always welcome to stay here” and i started crying on my way home because that’s what i needed to hear tonight but he wouldn’t know that bc i can’t vocalize my emotions like a functional adult and go out of my way to make it seem like i’m doing better than i am so that my mom doesn’t worry

i know i need more help in terms of my mental health (also not in denial abt how bad my eating disorder is rn but that’s another issue that i’m not going to write another novel about rn) but idk what that looks like in my life rn and it’s hard when my depression is this bad because i keep coming back to “yeah i need more help but also it’s all pointless anymore lol” so i just go through my days completed detached and telling myself that any way i can cope is okay bc instagram told me 💖✨if all u did was survive today that is okay✨💖 but really it’s just me enabling apathy and destructive behaviors and moving targets of “i’ll do better once xyz”

idk how to end this post other than to say again that i am safe, just obviously not in a good place mentally but very much able to keep myself alive (i’ve been jaded by too many “instagram cares” messages after posting lol) (i know this is tumblr) (still jaded)

[ohumokay]

I saw ur comment on the friend post and even though we have an age gap it baffles me that we seem to be having the same issues in regards to friendships. idk if society has always been cliquey or overly selective of who it lets join in and vice versa. but lately idk whats been up with peoples way of communicating you would think even with all tihs digitalised methods that people would want to but yet it seem no one does either bc theyre so self absorbed or they are "too busy" esp for those that have 100s of friends online but never enough time to every one so some of us sadly get put aside or we just drift apart if they dont align or do enough like i dont even care about gifts and no cards and shit fuck that id rather just have few solid connections than none.

what sucks is the other people who then gloat on their profiles or accounts and ik they "busy" with others. i try to find things in common with others but its so hard sometimes because then you feel like you have to force yourself to genuinely care about shit you dont care about in order to find somewhere to fit in. i recently tried doing online zoom quizzes and they were absolute hell, first off zoom is the worst way to try to feel included in on any sort of group esp when u dont know them right off the bat then these quizzes were god awful to keep up with esp the speedquizzing ones. i only did them cause this was the only way my "friend" would keep in touch long enough w/ me.

its a sad world we are in where people are mostly only interested in themselves, even in school this was the case. idk i just kinda gave up cause i dont think i will ever find who im looking for cause it feels like if im not doing xyz things no one going to care if im not here type thing. yet im tired of finding people only to then feel like they arent pulling their efforts back, again idc for gifts but is it so hard for people to idfk send messages in return or to keep a friendship going? outside of having common interests?

sorry for rambling but i feel like no one really seems to want deep meaningful connections no more. everuthings done for their benefit or for posting online and showcasing it to others their "fake" as fuck connections that they claim to have with people.

Hey... Yeah, I completely understand what you mean. A lot of ppl have shallow ass relationships views nowadays, or avoid real connections.

I think I know which comment you're talking about: the one about my ex-bsf who basically ghosted me. That friendship was not only one sided, but toxic asf. They would shit on my beliefs, make jokes at my expense, and if they were called out for their behavior, they'd say that it didn't matter bcuz they were gonna off themself anyway. It was really shitty, and towards the end, they made it very clear they were a fake friend (literally called themself fake) so I had to cut ties my own way.

I'm sorry your "friend" couldn't compromise in communication. That is such a sucky feeling; trying to keep a friendship afloat, even if the other person isn't. And it's sad that no one in this world can have a normal conversation.

Don't get me wrong, me and the friends I have left (including my new BSF) don't text anything deep. Like, we text all the time, but we usually avoid deep conversations. Not bcuz we can't have meaningful conversation, but bcuz we don't feel comfortable texting; deep shit should be said in person, or,at the bare minimum, over a phone call. So that's why we text pretty shallow, or not at all. But, our friendship is also strong enough to withstand a few days without talking and still being closer than ever.

I understand your exhaustion, for a while I shared your sentiment, but I firmly believe that everyone has a person. A person who they can talk to freely, whenever, without worry of toxicity or emotional distance. A person who is always there with a shoulder to cry on, and advice that one might need to hear, even if they don't want to hear it. A person who will be willing to sit in silence when need be, or rant with them, or simply listens bcuz talking without interruption is therapeutic. A person who is their person, through thick and thin.

And, I know we don't know each other, and have an age gap (tho, idk how large it is), but if you need someone to listen to your rants and rambles, or to talk you through a situation, or to just tell you your heard and appreciated, I'm more than willing. And this goes to anyone who needs it, not just the questioner. I am willing to be a surrogate person until you find your actual person.

I'm not perfect, I might not say the right thing, it might take me a while to respond, but I will always be willing to help a fellow person in need, even over Tumblr ❤️‍🩹

[slytherinshua]

Sorry I meant to reply to your last message (I have a terrible habit of being social and then go radio silent for like a week after ahaha). I listened to a few of Hyunsang's songs and oh my goodness, genuinely is he ok?? They were really good and I loved them, but all the ones I heard were so sad?? Does he need a hug?? Who do I have to beat up?

Your post about people is so true though, it's honestly so hard to make friendships (or even just be nice to some people tbh). Sometimes you just don't vibe with a person, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I mean irl, there is someone in my friend group who I just don't vibe with at all, but all of my friends really like him and enjoy hanging out w him. It is quite hard sometimes to be friendly ahaha (it does make me feel like a horrible person tbh, but what can you do? But I think the whole thing of how he got into our friend group is a bit strange. Without context it sounds bad, but I promise it is genuinely kinda weird lol). But definitely if you ever find that our convo is too dry or weird, don't hesitate to tell me!! I think sometimes you have to prioritise your comfort and if the other person is willing to change, then that's probably a good sign!

I hope you are doing well! (I watched another clip from a Lucy concert and got jealous of you again 😡)

lol don’t worry at all!! LMAO STOP IJBOL 😭😭😭 it’s so true whenever i listen to hyunsang im like WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS BOY?? imagine debuting with an ep titled “my poor lonely heart” AND EXPECTING PPL TO THINK UR FINE DIDJKS 😭😭 and if you watch any live performances or his covers HIS EYES LOOK SO SAD WHILE HE SINGS LIKE HE COULD CRY AT ANY MOMENT ☹️☹️☹️ so literally when he smiles I melt so much cause I’m not used to it anyway he’s so cute and I love him and his emo music and pretty voice 🥹🥹

yeah I feel it a lot lately cause I always want to be nice to everyone especially if they talk to me on my blog but if we don’t click after a bit of talking I feel awkward 😭😭😭 and they’ll keep messaging me and then idk what to do cause the conversations are literally like “hi hru” “I’m good wbu” AND THATS IT 💀💀💀 damn that must suck I’m sorry that’s a thing 😭😭 it’s even harder when it’s a friend group situation cause you can’t just stop talking to one person if they still have connections to all your other friends and you also can’t bring it up with your other friends cause they won’t see the problem :( but don’t worry our convos have been anything but dry since you first sent me an ask 🥹🥹 I love talking abt lucy or anything else with you I could do it all day lmao

I’m doing pretty good!! I have my first piano lesson in like 2 days.. I’m really nervous for it because it’s my first one in over a year since I took a break and it’s with a new teacher. I had lessons with her for a bit in 2020 but they were mostly over zoom because of covid. these ones are in person and I haven’t had in person lessons since 2019 🧍‍♀️ I also haven’t practiced piano since last year when I was taking lessons and even then I feel like I didn’t practice at all between lessons cause I was losing motivation.. so realistically I probably haven’t practiced properly and consistently for 2 years fml 😭😭 but hopefully everything will go well. I’m hoping I’ll like this teacher again I don’t really remember having an opinion on her when I had her 4 years ago, but I remember switching back to my old piano teacher who had moved to England since I was doing online lessons anyway. I’ve had her for around 6 years total so I’m very comfortable with her she’s basically made me the pianist I am today lol. but I think in person lessons would be beneficial which is why I’m trying this out instead.

I have nothing to help you about the jealousy but I did get the group photo back recently (kinda sad they didn’t give us 2 cause we did take 2 and I was so nervous when the first pic was taken that I didn’t have a pose and sangyeop was telling me that he was gonna do a flower pose and I didn’t know wtf a flower pose was until a day later when it clicked in my head LKSJSKS) but I am the one w the pink heart and yes I was RIGHT next to sangyeop and wonsang aka my bias and wrecker skdjsksk how did I survive

[061801]

I don’t think someone’s ever been able to ask me how I’ve been doing and I’ve said; I’m doing really well. Idk if it’s just my perspective on life but there’s always something I’m going through that is unbearable to get through. Right now I literally don’t even have a quarter of my rent because I booked a day off and tried to get my g2 that I failed so I have no license, my health card expired and of course I’m sick (I literally could go get it renewed I just have no energy to fucking bus or walk there and that’s another thing that I’m upset about cuz I’m 23 and still BUSSING AND WALKING PLACES.) I have no money to Uber there. My ex passing and then my family being really shitty about it so I feel like I don’t have any of my family to talk to about it. Idk if I would say my bf has high standards but I mess up a lot and when I look back they’re not even hard things to follow I’m just not used to caring about certain stuff and I feel like I’m always mentally unstable and he’s very stable and I just feel like a burden in his life. I also know he has eyes for a lot of pretty girls snd also we can’t be together for the long run because he wants to marry someone within his religion and have kids with her so honestly I feel like I’m kinda just being used as a toy until he finds what he really wants. I’m never any of my friends first choice except for friends that I literally don’t want to be around not gunna lie. It’s not that I don’t like them, but because of the amount of suffering I’ve done in my life I just have no more tolerance to do things I don’t wanna do like hangout with ppl on their couch with their kids. I’d rather just text u and sit on my own couch by myself without getting interrupted by your kid every 30 seconds and listening to it scream and bang shit around. I don’t want to have to do certain things to avoid hurting ur baby and I’m sry I know I’m being shitty but I just fucking don’t want to. Im having a really hard time figuring out what my hobbies are. I really enjoy gymnastics and cheerleading but unfortunately that’s an insanely expensive hobby and very risky. It’s one thing if I was doing it since I was a kid but I could literally paralyze my entire body doing it especially with the condition my body is in. I have thought maybe I could do open gym sessions again just at $15 per day which isn’t bad. My social anxiety gets me really good tho. I wish I had a friend that enjoyed gymnastics that would actually go with me :( I also do like photography and playing piano recently but I get really discouraged when my photos don’t turn out and when I play piano I’m having a hard time remembering the chords and I try to sing and I get too nervous. Overall writing this I’ve realized I’m just a nervous wreck. I’m afraid of everybody and everything which is ironic considering I act so unfazed by everything when in reality everything hits like an avalanche. I need to force myself to view the world a different way but my brain is so corroded idk how I’d ever do it. I physically can’t see the reality of it. Idk how to describe it but thinking of myself being genuinely happy makes me incredibly sad. Idrk how. I’m thinking it’s because I just don’t see the reality of it happening and I want it so bad. Clearly not bad enough because I continue my bad habits. Even if I had money I feel like I’d still be incredibly depressed because money is very cool but I want a genuine connection with someone. I see people happy with their family or friends or boyfriend/girlfriend and I have like erased all my emotions and ability to show vulnerability and affection. The second I get a slight feeling that I might look like a joke to someone; I run or I get really aggressive. The amount of times I’ve been cheated on and lied to by my own family even; is truly sad. Sad is an understatement. I wish I knew who I would have become had I not went through so much. I feel like I would have accomplished a lot of things such as a real hobby, probably a career by now. I definitely would have had a car and a group of friends. I’ll never know :(

[bybdolan]

god i hard core agree with you on the sense of stop treating taylor like a fictional character cause like i see people get so mad if she does something that doesnt fit their narrative (ie william bowery) and im just like...this isnt a TV show were someone wrote this storyline this is a real person who controls their own life. idk just in general how we treat celebs i found so odd/fascinating I think bout the quote from Taylor a lot about not wanting to be treated like a doll in a dollhouse.

The WB thing is such a good example because I have seen people be genuinely upset when WB was revealed to be Joe like "why would she tie this man to her art! Why would she go that far!" when it most likely was they themselves who made this a "bad step" in their minds in the first place. I get that "Taylor Swift is gay" is an interesting concept in theory but a lot of ppl who believe in it connect it to sooo much tragedy and heartbreak and like. Why would you want that for a person? Same goes for people who want Taylor to break up with Joe because they want that divorce album™ (this is kind of what Adele fans did btw). Yea it's appealing from a narrative standpoint but a life is not a narrative with a climax or payoff etc. so to put a lot of emotional energy into it (or attach a superiority complex to "having it figured out") just feels really unhealthy - at least that was my experience. I wrote a paper once about how celebrity death conspiracies feed heavily into that idea of a life as a story, e.g. how Lady Di's death being orchestrated by the Crown would make sense as a "payoff", but again: that isn't how that stuff works. And a lot of the time it leads to people forgetting about the tragedy of the event. It leads to people forgetting the humanity of the celebrities involved in their scenarios. We will never know all the details of a celebrities' life (thankfully!) and filling in the gaps based on what we WANT is somewhat natural and even encouraged, but fandom spaces and the idea of "knowing" a famous person have made it increasingly unhealthy. If you find yourself get genuinely upset when a celebrity does something that is innocent and yet shatters your perception of them and you get mad or sad about that you should take a step back and like. Watch a movie or a show or read a book so you can put these feelings into characters that are not out of your control and that are contained in fictional narratives. If you can't enjoy an album release without immediately checking how much lyrics or marketing fits your narrative of the artist's life, you are destroying the enjoyment for yourself a bit, at least in my opinion. You will never know Taylor Swift/Lady Di/Kurt Cobain/Namjoon/Harry Styles/Mitski/whoever personally. You have to accept that they will say and do things that you don't want them to do because you do not control them. These are people with real lives. Not characters in a narrative. I think this is important to remember in a lot of aspects in life, like how we look at our own life (nobody is writing your life with clues and foreshadowing and a "happy end") or true crime. It's nice to think that life can be put into neat little boxes and tropes and that once we wrap up a "storyline" all will be well, but that isn't how it works. We should free ourselves and those we admire from the constraints and pitfalls of a fictional narrative and just live and let live and take it one day at a time.

[prettybard]

So I’ve watched a ton of reactions to ofmd (indulging the ones mentioned in your post) because I was really curious to see how people responded to a show like this and I’ve observed some THINGS

• People generally don’t like/aren’t sold by ep 1 (crazy to me since it’s one of my faves and I was hooked instantly but it). Even people that liked it don’t seem to get the tone just from one ep.

• People always end up having a favorite crew member. Very fun to see who they end up gravitating towards

• Most people believe Black Pete’s stories at first/think they will be proven right later

•Most people don’t pay attention to Jim’s pronouns unless they are already aware that they are nb/are told by commenter that they are nb

• A lot of the little jokes and clever moments and line deliveries kinda go over a lot of peoples heads

• Queer people love Stede, straight people have to warm up to him

• Most people credit Taika for this show/most straight people heard about it because of his connection to it

• I’ve only seen one person previously unfamiliar with the foot touch in ep 8 notice it

• Everyone loves Lucius

• Hardly anyone notices how romantic the moonlight scene in ep 5 is (and of course the ones who pick up on it are the gays)

• This show reads much better for gay people. Like of course, but it’s interesting to actually watch the differences in reaction to a lot of moments. I mostly like to watch people who aren’t familiar with the show at all and I like to keep the mix of people (straight, queer, poc, white etc.) diverse so that I can see how people with different backgrounds respond. Queer people 100% of the time are feeling those themes and narratives.

• Everyone always loses their shit when Karl dies

• No one ever talks about how fun Geraldo is and that’s wild to me. Loved his character so much.

• End of ep 3/ep 4 is what usually hooks people

• Most people, including the straights, actually do see the kiss coming but there are a few who are still shocked

• People want to fuck Blackbeard and Jim but what else is new

• A surprising amount of people “predict” that Ed isn’t going to kill Stede because they’re going to end up friends. Like…..yeah. He’s the main character. Idk. They kinda set that up for you.

• A lot of Ed’s vulnerable moments go overlooked

• Most people can’t believe Ed leaves the dock and freak the hell out when he goes back to being Blackbeard. Very fun reactions to those things.

• Not many people point out Izzy’s attraction to Blackbeard

All this information may be completely useless but it’s really fun to observe how people respond to this show. OFMD is UNDOUBTEDLY a show for the gays but I love that by the end most straight people also highly praise and recommend the show.

omg anon i love you and im gonna try to respond to most of the points bc im v happy i got this message.

it genuinely made me so sad when ppl weren't that into the first episode, its so perfect and very easily shows the found family shit thats about to happen.

ik a lot of new people dont know about jims pronouns but by fucking god does it make me uncomfortable when ppl immediately use she/her pronouns for them,, but im glad that ppl start using it when commenters tell them abt jim.

OMG YEAH SO MANY LITTLE JOKES GO OVER PPLS HEADS AND IM JUST SCREAMING AT MY SCREEN TELLING THEM TO APPRECIATE IT ASKFJS,,, the scene where stedes like "no this is it,, thats it." THE FUCJING LINE DELIVERY ON THAT IS PERFECT BUT LIKE NO ONE MENTIONED IT

stede is for the gays,, only we can fully understand that little fucker

no bc it made me so mad that not many people credited david jenkins properly,, like its his show?!?!?!

everyone should love lucius,, hes perfect in every way

GOD I WOULD GET SO SAD WHEN MOST PPL JUST SKIMMED BY THE MOONLIGHT SCENE,, AND I DON'T THINK ILL EVER FORGET "nice , theyre friends now" HUH?!??!??!?!

i think alot of straight people just dont care, like most of the youtubers ive seen react to the show, mostly just care about the comedy and if its entertaining. it kinda shocking to me seeing ppl just act normally about the show and not completely dissect it and every single theme they can find

ahhh omg yeah idk how ppl can look at the bathtub scene with ed and just go "aww thats sad" and just dismiss it?!?! that scene changed my brain chemistry and ruined me,, ed vulnerable moments were my favorite and i really wanted more people to talk about that

oh man i feel like i can go on a whole ass rant about ed becoming the kraken,, like people say it doesn't make sense but if you just think about it for 2 fucking seconds you can see that it v much makes complete sense to his character,, hes just trying to protect himself

i like pointing out izzy's atrraction for blackbeard bc its fucking hilarious how pathetic he is for a man that barely even cared abt him and doesn't even exist (hes in love with the idea of blackbeard and but not ed)

anyways this was incredibly fun to respond to, anon!! pls send me more shit if you want <33

[prettyboykatsuki]

Your Todoroki post though! Your tags! “Stop making him dense I think he would try so hard” thank you so much! I’m so happy someone else sees this! I get so tired of the fanon “oh Roki is airheaded and sheltered” like…he’s actually pretty observant??? Straight up told Iida that he had been watching him after hearing about his brother and worried because he understood that anger. He watches Deku all the time. I think Todoroki is just a lil shit with a dry sense of humor and he likes making people stare at him like “…is he serious?” Because he finds it funny. I think he’d observe the crap out of his partner! See their expressions when watching movies - did their eyes soften when the guy kissed the girl on the forehead and lingered? He’s not entirely sure but the next day when he sees you, he pulls you gently towards him and kisses your forehead, he feels you sink into him and sigh happily and he absolutely files that reaction away. He’s a good egg!

!!! okay i have a lot of thoughts on this and given the fact i never stfu about characterization, i want to say first like BIG agree. 

i think todo fandom characterization boils down to 2 things - it’s either he’s completely dense or he’s this like.. sassy and sarcastic hard character but i kind of have beef with both of these characterizations for a lot of reasons. 

1. i think there is a way to take todorokis trauma into consideration when writing his character. horikoshi, in my opinion, doesn’t do it enough. todoroki would be dense but not in a “oh im so silly i dont know how to have feelings way” but more in a sad kind of “i cannot physically understand that you love me kind of way” because he has no model for his healthier emotions and has spent so much of his life chasing specific expectations. just like dabi, really but i digress. 

2. todorki is like.. in canon very observant of others just like you’ve said. he is both dense and observant they’re just in different ways and we get so much evidence of this. i think ppl just sorta pick one and roll with it but he’s such a varied character and only focusin on one element kind of erases a big part of what makes him so interesting. 

i think the most important detail that it misses is how much todoroki is truly willing to try. 

he, so genuinely, values the connection between himself and 1a. between him and bakugou and midoriya. his friendships. his schoolwork. his herosim - he’s been putting all of this effort. and i think writing him off as a character who is simply sassy or simply dense really misses the point of how tender he is despite what he’s experienced.

i think the biggest evidence of his kindness is how todoroki chose to forgive his mother because he realized that she too had been victim of his fathers abuse. he didn’t have to do that. regardless of what she had been experiencing, todorki was a child and he didn’t deserve what happened. shouto could’ve buried that grudge inside of him forever 

but he didnt. he always is so kind to everyone. he is forgiving. he wants to understand people so much he is always willing to give them leeway.  

even to that deadbeat he calls a father. he is so fucking patient and kind. 

i love todoroki because he isn’t cold really at all. he’s not expressive but he’s loving and very forgiving and he cares very deeply about the people around him. he is such a complex person, genuinely. 

[sortagaysortahigh]

Hey! I just finished never have i ever and wanted to discuss it with someone. So i was team ben at the end of season 1, but i’m kanda happy how it ended now, like paxton showed a real character growth. Still little sad for ben especially when he found out that he and devi could be together. Loved fab and eve, they are amazing (happy for fabiola becoming her nerdy self again). Didn’t expect for writers to put eleanor and paxton’s friend together (i feel like they were heavily hinting at it). And i really hope they won’t try to make devi and ben a couple in season 3 (if there will be season 3) because it will be too forced and i don’t want that. I’m absolutely okay with how it ended

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS NONNIE. i really loved the ending like okay paxtons old ass definitely rubbed me the wrong way a few times but overall this season his character had sm growth and the genuine connection between him and devi was rlly present. I also loved how we got to see the reasons behind why he didnt rlly wanna be publically with devi bc at first i was like hmmm you did not just reject her after being her sneaky link for how long?? And i think that showed a TON of growth past his old superficial mindset alongside genuinely forgiving devi bc yeah she kinda sorta did have to do w his big injury but she also rlly helped him get his shit together and she did that as a friend bc this season it was evident that she wanted to be with ben the entire time (even when she was studying w paxton). I rlly think he has so many redeemable qualities and im def team paxton now. This season i get that ben was rlly hurt bc i would be too but the way he took it out on devi consistently and he publically slandered her and treated her like absolute shit was just him being bitter and petty and i rlly hated that. He cared for her when ppl werent around but as soon as they were it was back to “nah fuck you david” and idk i hated it but i guess it makes sense from a writing perspective bc ben and paxton are supposed to be polar opposites but theyre both evidently insecure in different ways and ben is an insecure little shit that takes it out on people. I rlly did love seeing more of devis character growth as well and also the fact that people had to acknowledge that yeah shes an angry bitch who probably has bpd (spoken from an angry bitch w bpd) but shes mourning while navigating high school and trying to understand all of her own emotions at once. I def think she had some shitty moments this season but the apologies and makeups madeup for them. Also i cried during the scene when her mom calls her crazy bc ik what thats like ans i genuinely think that for a lot of people devi is a good main character and shes relatable in a lot of ways. Like yeah my homegirl might be a piece of shit sometimes or a selfish asshole but when you were sixteen/seventeen so were you. And when you bring in the elements of grief and mental illness into the equation and manage to execute it well (which i think the show did) it allows those who have been through the same thing feel more connected to her story.

Ik i went on a tangent but i rlly loved this season sm

[fairycosmos]

do u talk to ppl every day? i feel so abnormal and lonely bc i dont. literally apart from this ask im sending u rn i talk to no one ever. i dont even have a phone so. i have no one in my life its like ? wow. its been like this for years. i feel like im not even in my own life

no i don't :( apart from family because i live with them but even then sometimes we just dont talk at all. to be fair im really introverted and hate talking to ppl every day but i get what you mean. i hear you and i have a few conflicting thoughts about it. i don't think it's abnormal per se, i think going through periods of isolation especially during your teens/twenties is very normal in fact. it's fucking hard to find friends and even harder to find Your people. like i wish it was talked about more because im pretty convinced theres just an unfathomable amount of us living like this, like little islands. and it's very hard not to internalize this as something being wrong with you, especially because love and friendship seems to find others so easily? idk why it doesn't for me. but i don't think theres much credence to the idea that we're alone because we deserve to be or any of that other self loathing crap. ofc that doesn't stop me spiraling into that belief pretty much daily - but i have to admit it never does anything to help my situation so. im trying to be sad and proactive ssimultaneously. at the same time, i wanted to say that it's very natural to crave these connections nonetheless and it's ok to be upset about it. i think theres a common belief these days that you can self love your way out of anything and that we dont owe each other shit but, humans are social creatures and it's alright to need others. i really relate to you saying you feel like youre not even in your own life because of it, too. i didn't develop a sense of self because i had no support system or people around me and now i think i'll drift forever, too. it's hard to know who you are when you have nobody to tell you what you're not. when you have no one to share tangible experiences and memories with. im out of practice at being a friend and a person other people want to know. it's hard and i honestly understand the loneliness.

do you think there are any small steps you can work towards that would make this feel a little less heavy? is getting a phone something you can consider, looking into groups and clubs in your community, even online? (discord, tiktok, this blue app, even fb groups have been a source of support for me in regards to grieving.) ultimately think of what interests you or what you've always wanted to get into and then try to seek that community out. even just mental health support groups can be a godsend. its way easier said than done and the process may be slow and non linear but, honestly every small effort counts. i took a few singing lessons on zoom in the lockdown and being able to talk to someone over a shared hobby was just nice and not as awkward as i was expecting and it took a lot to do it but i did. probably couldn't now as ive regressed lol but it is what it is. if that feels like too much rn i totally get it though. you could even just drop me a message if you like. i'd love to be friends 💗 anyway sorry this got long i just am in the same boat so i could talk ab it forever but my point is i genuinely don't think you're abnormal. you're just having a hard time and i don't blame you at all. no one tells you where to find friends as an adult. my inbox is truly always open, i really hope youre able to find the connections that you deserve soon. im rooting for you and sending so much love. one day at a time ok x