#im just so frustrated and none of my family dares to show me any damn sympathy

[powderflower]

quick angry tags

[vitanes]

say it’s okay when it’s not

chapter 15: truth or dare

Lucas makes peace with himself, finally learns the whole truth about Eliott and realises that family is all the friends we’ve made along the way. Oh, and also gets a boy.

(a/n: so we’ve reached the end of this story. if anyone had told me id write over 80k words long story like a half year ago i wouldnt believe them but here i am. before writing for skam france, i had a long break but this show made me fall back in love with writing and no matter how detached i am from the series now, ill be always grateful for that. i want to thank every single person who’s ever liked, reblogged, commented or sent me an ask regarding the fic. im happy i could make you all feel something with my words thats my main goal as a writer. anyways, enough sappiness! enjoy the last part!)

Lucas knows that punching a guy when he isn’t alone is not the brightest idea, but it’s too late to think about it when his knuckles have already caused the damage. Buzzing with adrenaline, Lucas looks towards Tom. He’s backed away a few steps and is currently clutching onto his face. There’s blood running down from his nose.

There’s a wave of satisfaction hitting Lucas from all sides and it last exactly ten seconds before Tom’s friends are on him. One of them is holding Lucas by his shoulders while the other is glaring at him, coming way too close for Lucas’ liking.

He gulps, trying his best to maintain eye contact.  He’s been crushed before because of how weak he was but this time he won’t let them hurt him without a fight. Not when he has every right to be furious in this situation.

The guy watches Lucas carefully, his eyes narrowed and after a few beats of silence, nods at the boy holding Lucas back. Much to Lucas’ surprise, he releases him.

“We don’t want trouble,” one of them says, looking meaningfully at all the people around them. Lucas follows his gaze and sighs. He was genuinely prepared to get beaten up again. Especially that they seemed like they wouldn’t care about the consequences.

But Lucas is still so full of anguish that he doesn’t know what to do with. He curls his fingers up into fists.

“I can’t let him get away with it,” Lucas grits out, his eyes downcast. They have no fucking idea what kind of hell he’s gone through because of Tom.

The boys look at each other, their faces troubled and then back to him. They still seem ready to stop Lucas from surging towards Tom. He can’t do anything in this case and it’s tearing him apart.

“Then don’t, but fighting won’t get you anywhere,” says the one that’s been previously holding Lucas. Look at them. Altruists.

Even when he wants to and has the occasion to get his revenge, Lucas can’t. And it’s unfair, isn’t it? He should be able to show Tom at least an ounce of the pain that was served to Lucas. After so many months, Lucas should be allowed to get back at him. But all he can do is stand there, helpless and trembling while they walk away, shielding Tom from him. That’s fucked up.

Once they’re out of sight, Lucas heaves out a deep breath and with it, the tears he’s been holding back start running down his cheeks. He’s crying out of frustration and anger because there’s no other way for those emotions to leave him. He can’t punch anyone or scream so all that’s left is crying. Right in the middle of the pavement, surrounded by people. Complete strangers that won’t even spare him a glance. Alone in his pain.

But he’s not alone, is he?

Lucas wipes his face with his sleeve and sniffs. There are people out there that care, that have his back no matter what. That’s what he’s learnt over the course of the last few months. No matter how much darkness is surrounding him, how lost he is, Lucas will find a way home.

Lucas is going to survive with the help of his friends, the family he’s made along the way. He’s been shown time and time again that he doesn’t have to face everything by himself.

That’s why he heads to the flat and when Mika sees the look on his face he doesn’t question Lucas reaching out for him.

Lucas hasn’t stopped fighting, it’s merely a break. He will go to the police tomorrow, he will handle everything. But now he’s bone-tired.

With no words said, Mika wraps his arms around Lucas and lets him rest.

“I know who blackmailed me,” Lucas mumbles into Mika’s shoulder and feels him tense.

“You do?” Mika asks, his voice breathy.

Lucas nods. “Is everyone in the living room?” Lucas can hear some muted noises but he isn’t sure whether it’s the girls or the TV.

“Yeah,” Mika lets out.

Lucas pulls away. “I want them to know, too,” he says. He’s gotten everyone too involved for him to keep it secret. At this point, he owes his friends that much.

“Of course,” Mika replies and nudges Lucas forward.

They enter the living room and their expressions must be rather grim because both Manon and Lisa stop chatting upon seeing them.

“Hi,” Lucas says, waving at them weakly before sitting down on the couch, next to Manon. Mika chooses his other side while Lisa is sitting comfortably in an armchair. “I found out who the blackmailer is. By accident.” He looks down on his hands. His right one still has some signs of what he’s done to it, but he long stopped bandaging it. Some fingers are a bit crooked, though.

“What?” Lisa asks.

“Who is it?” Manon sits up straighter.

Lucas snorts. “It’s a guy Yann and I were buying weed from. Last year. He just,” he shrugs, “wanted money for drugs. He got the pictures from someone else’s phone.” Lucas briefly glances at Manon, but she seems completely oblivious to it. So Daphne hasn’t said anything. Fine, he’s not going to, either. He has no energy to deal with this. “He didn’t have any ulterior motives. Fuck, he didn’t even plan to do it in the first place. I don’t…” he stops and drags a hand down his face. “…I don’t know if I’d rather have it be someone else, someone who hated me than this. It’s so fucking baffling that it wasn’t personal and yet I’ve been completely fucked over.” He pinches the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, letting out a shuddering breath.

Manon rests a hand on his shoulder and squeezes.

“This dude is completely fucked up. How could he?” Lisa asks no one in particular.

“At least now you can rest. You know the whole truth,” Manon says, her voice calm even though Lucas can feel through his shirt that her hand is shaking.

“Yeah, I– I feel slightly lighter. But I can’t fucking do anything and it’s killing me. It’s like I’m about to explode,” Lucas confesses, putting his hand down on his knee.

Mika throws an arm over his shoulders and pulls him to his side.

“How about we go to the gym?” he suggests out of nowhere and when none of them say anything, he huffs. “It could help Lucas. It’s better if he doesn’t bottle it all up,” Mika reasons. Well, if he’s putting it that way.

Lisa opens her mouth to say something, but Mika beats her to it.

“Like a family activity?�� he offers. They can’t say no to that, can they?

 ***

 Going to the gym helps. Lucas was doubtful at first, but after two hours of intense exercise, his mind is much clearer. With his whole body aching and sweaty, he no longer wants to go out there and fight Tom. All he is craving is a shower and a nap.

Everything else will come later.

 ***

 “I can’t fucking believe it was Tom,” Yann spits out, shaking his head. “What a fucking dick,” he adds.

Lucas has gone to the police and told them everything. He was assured they’d take care of everything and contact him sooner or later. It didn’t satisfy him a lot. He doesn’t think he’ll be truly satisfied until Tom faces real repercussions. And the police’s vague affirmations don’t tamper down his impatience. So he called Yann.

He told him the exact same story as he recalled to his flatmates, with maybe more details and Yann’s been cussing Tom out for the past ten minutes.

“Yeah, Daphne must have bumped into him, asked to call Imane and that’s how he got the pictures,” Lucas says in a detached tone.

“Damn. What now?”

Lucas shrugs. “I was told to wait. Not sure I can do it any longer but what other choice do I have?”

“I’m still so shocked you found out by simply overhearing. Like? How’s that even possible?” Yann asks, grimacing.

“I know, right? That’s what I mean when I say that coincidences don’t exist,” Lucas replies, looking straight ahead. He hides his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “But you know what?” He gazes up at Yann to find him already looking back. “I’m so fucking glad I know. It’s been gnawing at me for so long and I thought I’d never find out. I had no idea where to look, there were nearly no clues. I can finally focus on other things.” It’s awful that he can’t seek the revenge out on his own, sure, but simply knowing gives him more peace than anything. There are still so many things, issues that he has to work through and he bets it’ll be a long process. Having fewer things on his plate is beyond helpful.

Lucas can heal and grow, take his time for as long as he needs to without having this at the back of his mind all the time. He can push forward with no more secrets holding him back.

“You’re so strong and I’m proud of you, you know?” Yann says fondly and bumps his shoulder against Lucas’. Lucas smiles under his nose.

“Thank you. I have no idea where I’d be right now without you,” he admits in a small voice. Yann has been nothing but giving and Lucas will try to repay his kindness for the rest of their lives.

“I’m your best friend, aren’t I? I’m not going anywhere. I love you lots,” Yann says with an audible smile in his voice.

Lucas feels warm.

“I love you, too,” he replies, so fucking grateful for having Yann in his life. In a way, Lucas thinks, he saved his life.

Yann is his anchor, his safe place and Lucas is sure that he’d drown without him. He can only hope that Yann feels the same.

 ***

 By Monday, Lucas has already talked with his friends and mom about the blackmailer. There’s only one person that doesn’t know and it’s Eliott. Truth be told, Lucas didn’t want to bother him with the news. He has no idea how Eliott is currently doing and he doesn’t want to force him into unwanted interactions. The time to tell him will come.

His friends have been all kinds of shocked and surprised, but the people who personally met Tom even more so. Emma briefly wanted to kill him and Yann shared the sentiment. But everyone agreed that it was about time. Or at least, mostly everyone. Lucas doesn’t know and has no intention of finding out what Daphne thinks about it.

“How do you feel?”

Lucas looks at Imane. “Better than in a long time,” he admits. She smiles at him.

They are going to the library, having decided to study together earlier. Lucas has expected questions like this, but he isn’t annoyed. He no longer has to hide his true feelings, he’s not burdened. And Imane asking him about his well-being means that she cares.

It’s funny to think that before all this mess started, Lucas and Imane were only friends by association. Merely greeted each other in hallways. In the span of the last few months, everything has changed and as of now, she’s one of his closest friends. An unexpected development in Lucas’ life.

He lost so much but he also gained a lot. And he’s not sure he deserves all of that, but he’s learning to accept good things nevertheless.

Imane is one of those people whose presence you want to keep around. Lucas doesn’t really know how to explain it and maybe he doesn’t have to. Perhaps, he can be simply happy about the fact that Imane wants him around, too. He shouldn’t question it. She’s a good person and an amazing friend. She’s both tough and soft as well as incredibly smart. Lucas admires her and can proudly call himself her friend.

“Good. You can try to catch up to me when it comes to grades,” she teases.

She’s also honest.

Lucas snorts and looks at her. “Are you sure you want that? I don’t want to make you sad,” he retorts, adjusting his backpack.

Imane rolls her eyes. “You wish. I just wanted to be nice. We both know you could never get on my level,” she states matter-of-factly.

“Watch me. The school year isn’t ov–“

Imane stops abruptly and Lucas glances at her in surprise. Her brows are drawn together and he follows her gaze.

Daphne is standing in their way. They look at her in confusion and mild irritation in Imane’s case. Lucas notices that she’s anxiously fidgeting in place. She must have followed them up until now.

“Do you want something?” Imane asks and her voice is devoid of the earlier playfulness. Lucas only now sees the strain Daphne’s acting made on the girls’ friendship. Imane has never been this cold towards her before.

“Can we talk for a minute? In private?” Daphne asks, staring at Lucas.

God, the audacity.

“No, I’m good here. If you have anything to say, say it,” Lucas tells her. He almost pities her. Almost.

“I just wanted to ask you if there was any way I could make what I did up to you. I know it was wrong, but I was hoping I could fix it somehow,” Daphne replies, holding tightly onto the strap of her bag.

“Are you for real?” Imane mutters under her breath.

The thing is, Lucas knows Daphne had no ill intentions and the guilt must be eating at her right now. Rightfully so. He’s aware that she never wanted to hurt him, but still. He can’t find it in himself to forgive so easily. Maybe if she had come immediately after the pictures were leaked, but as the things are at the moment, Lucas doesn’t even want to talk with her.

“How about you finally tell other people?” he says which instantly makes her clamp her mouth shut. “Besides, the only way you could make it up to me would be if you invented the time machine. Can you do that? Can you do that, Daphne?” Lucas asks and he can feel himself getting worked up, but he’s unable to stop. “We won’t be friends anytime soon. But if it only bothers you because you feel guilty, then just forget about it. I don’t care anymore. Let’s say you’re forgiven or whatever,” he adds, barely managing to keep his voice calm.

Daphne is watching him with her eyes wide open and her chin wobbling. For a brief moment, Lucas wonders whether he wasn’t too harsh, but it all disappears when he thinks of all the months he was hurting because of what Daphne did.

Imane places her hand on Lucas’ forearm and he’s so grateful. Her touch is grounding.

“Be happy we haven’t told everyone. We are giving you a chance to at least slightly redeem yourself,” Imane says. She doesn’t let Daphne add anything as her grip on Lucas’ arm tightens and she starts dragging him in the opposite direction. Though, Daphne seems speechless anyway.

“But what about studying?” Lucas asks when she eventually lets go of him.

“Let’s get a cookie first,” Imane replies, trying to smile at him, but failing miserably.

Lucas purses his lips and sighs. “I’m so sorry. It’s my fault your friendship is so fucked up.”

She glares at him. “She did the bad thing. It’s not your fault, okay? None of it is. I can’t stand with her after that. I’m just upset.” She shrugs one of her shoulders.

Lucas opens his mouth to say something when his phone buzzes. Imane seems to be deep in thought so he decides to check the message.

When he sees who texted him, his heart flutters excitedly in his chest, Daphne forgotten.

 can we meet tomorrow? i want to talk with you

 Lucas quickly types out a response, agreeing to the meeting and locks his phone. God, it’s been so long since he last heard from Eliott.

Imane nudges him and when he sends her a quizzical look, she asks, “What are you grinning about?”

“It’s Eliott. He wants to meet with me,” Lucas says, feeling his cheeks hurt from how much he’s smiling. Huh, so that’s how it feels when you like someone and you’re aware of it? Crazy.

Mostly, he missed Eliott and was worried. So he supposes, there are more reasons for his excitation than only his crush. Eliott is his friend first and foremost. The romantic attraction is just an addition.

“How’s he?”  

“We’ll find out,” Lucas says, wishing tomorrow could come sooner.

 ***

 When Lucas approaches the gate, it’s already open. He only has to slightly push it forward and the abandoned park comes into sight. He enters the place and for a moment the time stills. He revels in the way the wind is blowing subtly at the leaves. Even the air feels different here.

Eliott told him to come and see him at the tunnel he once showed Lucas. Looking around, Lucas remembers how Eliott told him he’d never brought anyone here before. That Lucas was first and maybe, just maybe, it was one of the signs that Eliott liked him, but Lucas was completely blind to it. You don’t bring a random friend to a place that’s special to you.

Lucas’ palms get significantly sweatier as he comes closer to the tunnel. Eliott likes to come here when he wants to be alone and yet, he once again invited Lucas to join him. Perhaps he feels safer in these surroundings.

Lucas reaches the tunnel and it takes him a moment, but when he eventually notices Eliott sitting against one of the walls, he lets out a loud sigh. Eliott turns his head towards him and Lucas could swear he sees a shadow of a smile on his face.

Before saying anything, he takes his steps to Eliott and plops down next to him, brushing their shoulders in the process.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Eliott replies, his voice a little uncertain. “Sorry I dragged you here. I just had to get away from my flat or I’d have lost my mind,” he explains apologetically.

Lucas nudges him playfully in the side. “No need to be sorry. It’s okay. I like it here. I don’t care about the place as long as I get to see you,” he admits, glancing down at his lap. He shouldn’t be saying things like that.

Eliott only snorts under his nose and sags against the wall. He seems tired. If it weren’t for the darkness, Lucas would probably see the bags under his eyes.

“Anything happen when I was out?” Eliott asks. Lucas thinks for a long moment. He can’t really say that he finally realised his feelings for Eliott after like months. So he goes for the only other thing he can think of.

“I caught the blackmailer.”

Eliott gasps subtly. “Oh. Is that so?”

Lucas tells him the whole story. He’d expect himself to get tired by now, since he recalled those events to so many people, but with Eliott it’s fine. Like always.  

“I guess fate decided it was the time.”

“I’ve been thinking the same thing,” Lucas says, glad that someone has finally seen his point.

What follows is a bit of a meaningless back and forth before Eliott asks the big question, “You’ve met Lucille, right?”

Lucas frowns. He isn’t very keen on talking about her, but he supposes it’s only the beginning of what Eliott wants to discuss. “Yeah.”

“It’s almost like she moved in with me. I hate that my parents told her to take care of me as if we didn’t break up. I can’t stand all of them. I know they mean well, but God seeing your ex without going through depression sucks enough,” Eliott rambles on, his voice monotone. “I already said that I’m feeling better, but no, of course, she still comes. At this rate I’m afraid she’s gonna ask to get back together,” he continues, letting his head slide to the side, right to Lucas’ shoulder. Lucas has probably uncomfortable shoulders, but it’s too late, Eliott is already propped up there.

“And will you? Get back together?” Lucas asks, anxious. Eliott shifts and Lucas can feel his eyes looking up at him.

“You know I won’t,” Eliott says calmly and the weight of his words makes Lucas realise just how close they are right now. “About that. I wanted to say sorry for being an asshole to you last time. I was all over the place. Embarrassed because of everything I did during, you know, being manic. I went out of my way to remind you of my feelings. It all just hit me and I lashed out on you. I was scared you’d hate me. So yeah, I’m sorry.” His voice is quiet, but in the tunnel, Lucas can hear every single word clearly. Eliott still seems scared. And ashamed.

“It’s okay. Nothing you did made me feel uncomfortable.” Quite the opposite. “And I could never hate you for that. Besides, I should have given you more time. You weren’t ready to talk, I can’t blame you for your reaction,” Lucas says reassuringly. All this time, he was angry at himself for overwhelming Eliott. There hasn’t even been a moment in which Lucas had considered thinking badly of Eliott.

“Yeah, but I’m bi– bipolar, not brainless. I should know when to shut up. It’s not an excuse to be a dick,” Eliott mutters and maybe he’s right. Maybe they both made some mistakes. It’s all in the past, though. “I just really wish you had found out in another way and not when it was out of my control,” he whispers and sighs.

“Then why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I wasn’t ready. I don’t like that part of myself. It’s hard for me to talk about and I didn’t want you to look at me differently. I was gonna tell you, but I kept putting it off because everything was so good and I finally felt happy. I thought that maybe… maybe it wouldn’t happen again,” Eliott says and nuzzles his face against Lucas’ shoulder. He seems so fucking sad. Lucas wishes he could do something to help him. Make him feel better.

“You stopped taking your meds,” Lucas states, remembering what Eliott’s parents said. He feels him nodding.

“I felt too happy,” Eliott admits. They sit there quietly for a few moments, both at a loss of words.

Lucas doesn’t really know what he could possibly say in this situation. He doesn’t think there is anything that he could think of. He’s never been good at that sort of stuff. And it doesn’t look like Eliott wants him to say anything. More like he wants him to listen and understand.

“Remember when I told you about everything that happened at my old school?” Lucas hums. “I skipped out on some things. I, um– I had my first episode back then. It was much worse than what you’ve seen. Yeah, I was in love with one of my best friends, but it got out because I kissed him in front of everyone when I was in the middle of being manic. He rejected me and then everything went to shit even more. I was losing it and people at my school were awful. I’ve done so many things. And after all that, I crashed. I crashed so badly I wouldn’t leave my room for weeks. I missed my exams because of that. And I…“ he pauses to take a deep inhale. He sounds choked up. “…I was so deep in that dark place I tried to… tried to kill myself.” Lucas’ breath hitches in his throat. He feels Eliott trembling against him. Lucas wants to tell him that he doesn’t have to go further, but Eliott isn’t finished yet.

“They saved me and then I spent over two months in a hospital. That’s when I got diagnosed. When I was out of there, about to repeat the year, some of my friends tried to reach out to me but I pushed them away. I wasn’t happy with Lucille. And as the first semester progressed, I had another episode. Less violent than the first one. After that, I decided to change schools. Start fresh and stop being regarded as crazy by everyone. I really hoped it’d be– it’d be different,” Eliott admits, his voice breaking halfway through. Lucas doesn’t look towards him, afraid that he might see him crying. He wouldn’t be able to hold back his own tears if that was the case.

“It is different. We won’t leave you. And no one at school knows,” Lucas says in hopes that it will make Eliott feel a tiny bit better. “Also don’t worry, we’re not going to start treating you like a toddler. But we’re going to support you and be there for you.” Lucas is sure of this. He’s not alone and he won’t Eliott be, either.” Thank you for telling me all of this. Thank you for… for trusting me enough.”

“Thank you for listening,” Eliott murmurs, a little bit strained. He’s fighting so hard not to break down right here, on Lucas and Lucas wishes there was a way for him to convey that it’s alright. That he doesn’t have to hide anymore. But he isn’t sure Eliott would appreciate that right now. He probably doesn’t want anyone pointing his weaknesses out. Not after everything that he’s been through lately. So this time, Lucas will let him be. Patience and baby steps.

He looks down again. Their hands are so close to one another. If only Lucas moved his a couple of centimetres to the left, he’d cover Eliott’s palm. He glances then at Eliott’s face and sees that he’s closed his eyes. He looks drained.

It’s not the time for Lucas to be daring. There will be another chance. They’re okay as they are.

 ***

 Lucas keeps staring at the empty chair across from him. He knows it won’t magically make Eliott appear, but one can wish. Eliott still isn’t feeling well enough to come to school, but he said he might be back next week and that’s what Lucas is holding onto. It doesn’t change the fact that the table feels empty without him.

It’s funny to think that some time ago he’d feel overjoyed every time Eliott skipped school and there were only four of them. And now he’s moping. Oh, how the tables have turned. Lucas would even hope for Eliott not to come sometimes. Which, in perspective makes him feel guilty. Eliott tends to skip school on his bad days. So every time Lucas was happy that he had his friends all to himself, Eliott was being consumed by his own mind. Sweet.

Lucas sighs to himself, dragging a fork over his plate.

“Dude, it’s like the tenth time you sighed in the last few minutes,” Basile points out to which Lucas only shrugs.

“Let him be. He’s sulking,” Yann says, barking out a laugh. He’s the only one knowing about Lucas’ recent epiphany and the asshole is having great fun with it.

“Why are you sulking?” Arthur asks, poking Lucas in the forearm.

“Do you remember when you asked me whether I had a crush on Eliott?” Lucas mumbles under his nose.

Arthur nods, squinting his eyes. “Yeah?” Lucas looks at him pointedly and then Arthur gasps. “No way,” he lets out.

“Yes way,” Yann teases. Lucas scowls at him and kicks him under the table. Basile yelps and Lucas figures out he missed.

“How long? What?! When?!” Arthur exclaims and Lucas shushes him when too many people look their way.

“I don’t know how long. It hit me last week,” Lucas explains.

“Unbelievable,” Basile lets out, shaking his head. “All Eliott had to do was to have an episode. Bravo, Lucas, bravo.”

“Fuck you,” Lucas says, but there’s no bite in his voice. He knows he’s an idiot. In his defense, internalised homophobia is a bitch to deal with and repressing things is a way to go. He still has moments when he denies his feelings or thinks that he’s disgusting for liking Eliott. He doesn’t even want to think about the turmoil he’d be going through now if Eliott didn’t reciprocate this crush.

“And you know what’s even better? Eliott likes him back,” Yann singsongs with a shit-eating grin.

“He does?!” Basile asks in disbelief.

“He does,” Arthur simply states, unlocking his phone.

Lucas huffs. “First of all, don’t talk about this! It’s confidential and he isn’t even here. And second of all, you,” he points at Arthur who purses his lips into a thin line, “you knew?”

“Yes. I knew. Why do you think we kissed that one time? We were both sad because of our crushes and Eliott told me back then it was you,” he explains, scrolling down some website.

“Then why did you ask me if we were together?”

Arthur lets out an exasperated sigh. “Because he told me months ago, drunk. We never really talked about it again. You could have gotten together in the meantime.” He shrugs nonchalantly. Well, he does have a point. “There’s a party on Friday. Are we going?” Arthur changes the topic. He looks up at them expectantly.

They glance at one another and then collectively nod. It’s been some time since they last went to a party. And the other time they wanted to get some relax, it didn’t exactly work out.

Yann nudges Lucas in the elbow. “Do you think you could get Eliott to come?”

Well, he can try.

 ***

 Lucas was pretty sure Eliott would immediately decline but turns out that convincing him to go with them was much easier than expected. Of course, he said he wouldn’t drink and would be there only for a short time, just to see all of them after almost two weeks. All of which Lucas understands.

They agreed that Lucas would come and pick him up before the party, since Eliott would feel too anxious to go by himself.

It’s a bit earlier than he was supposed to arrive, but Lucas thinks that Eliott will forgive him as he knocks on the door to his flat. It takes a good minute for the doorknob to move and the door to open. Lucas partly expects to see Lucille facing him so he lets out a breath of relief when it’s Eliott.

His hair is damp and his clothes are disheveled. He isn’t ready to go out yet and Lucas has enough decency to murmur, “Sorry for being this early,” before Eliott ushers him in.

“It’s fine. You can sit wherever I’ll go get ready,” Eliott says, sending his way a nervous smile.

Lucas watches him disappear in the direction of his bedroom. Eliott seems a bit shaky. Maybe he doesn’t really want to go to the party? But what can Lucas do, though? Eliott is a big boy and he won’t baby him. Lucas won’t act like Eliott’s parents and Lucille. After all, Eliott should know his limits.

With that in mind, Lucas goes to the living room and settles on the couch. He hears Eliott going around the flat, his steps loud in the silence of the walls.

Lucas looks out of the window and says, “Oh, fuck,” just as Eliott passes by the living room.

He sticks his head into the room, gazing at Lucas in confusion.

“It started raining,” Lucas mutters in the same exact moment a thunderbolt cuts through the sky.

When the loud thundering sound can be heard, they lock their eyes and Eliott says, “Fuck indeed.”

They smile at each other.

Lucas looks at Eliott since he finally has a clear sight of him and notices that his cheeks are a bit sunken and there sure are purple bags under his eyes. He is worn down and there is no beating around it.

“You don’t want to go to the party,” Lucas states instead of asking. Eliott sighs, looking down and it’s enough of an answer. The rain is rhythmically hitting the windows and it’s gradually getting darker. As yet another thunderbolt lights up the room, Lucas continues, “We could use it as an excuse and not go. We can hang out together at any other time.”

Eliott glances up at him, biting down on his bottom lip. “I’d like that,” he admits quietly.

Lucas grins towards him, feeling his heart racing. He likes this scenario better as well.

They both jump when there’s an especially loud clap of thunder and right after that the lights go out.

Lucas can only see the glint of Eliott’s eyes.

“Oh, great.” He chuckles nervously. There are a few seconds of silence and then Eliott turns the flashlight in his phone on. It doesn’t do much since they’re pretty much surrounded by darkness at this point, but it’s helpful either way.

Eliott moves towards the couch and then sits down next to Lucas. They stay in silence, letting the thunder outside fill it. It’s not exactly pleasant, considering the fact they keep flinching and jumping every few seconds. Lucas would really like to hold hands right now. But it’s not like he’s going to ask, right?

“I’m a bit scared,” he admits and feels Eliott turning his head towards him.

“Me too,” Eliott whispers when everything is lit up again.

Lucas hums thoughtfully. “Let’s play something so we can get distracted,” he suggests, breathing out evenly.

“Okay.”

“Truth or dare?”

“Sure,” Eliott agrees. “So what do you choose?”

Lucas is not about to do some things when it’s dark everywhere around them so he replies, “Truth.”

“Hmm. When was the last time you wet your pants?”

Lucas makes a face. “Come on, dude. Seriously?” He groans and closes his eyes. “I was fourteen. I was watching some dumb horror,” Lucas confesses. He doesn’t even remember what the movie was about, but it sure as fuck gave him a couple of sleepless nights. Eliott snorts. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Have you,” Lucas pauses, biting the inside of his cheek. “Have you ever been with a boy?” He can feel himself blushing as he says those words.

“Yeah, I have,” Eliott replies. He doesn’t say who or when it was, which is partly disappointing as it is relieving.

They take turns in asking each other questions throughout the thunder going on outside. Neither of them chooses dare, not wanting to move anywhere. They ask each other gross and mostly trivial questions. It’s not the time to go deeper, to unpack their traumas and they’re aware of that. They laugh and teases each other, and by the time the thunder is almost gone, they’ve moved so much closer to each other that their sides are touching. They don’t comment on the fact their hands are brushing and Eliott’s index finger keeps tracing the back of Lucas’ knuckles. Their words are hushed whispers and each time one of them says something, the other has to lean closer.

Something has shifted in the span of the last few minutes or hours; Lucas doesn’t really know how much time passed.

One wouldn’t consider asking someone whether they’ve ever eaten boogers romantic, but within the context, Lucas thinks it’s the most romantic setting he’s ever been in.

“Truth or dare?” Eliott asks, staring at the side of Lucas’ face.

Lucas turns his head for the first time ever since they’ve started this game. Their faces have never been this close.

“Truth,” he mouths, knowing that Eliott will hear him anyway.

Eliott gazes at him for a long moment, searching for something and he must find what he’s been looking for because he asks, “Do you like someone?”

Lucas swallows, his eyes falling down to Eliott’s mouth and quickly back up to his eyes. “Yeah,” he breathes out, shifting his body closer. “Truth or dare?”

Eliott looks over Lucas’ face and his index fingers move up to his wrist. “Dare.”

The only thing that Lucas can hear is the thump-thump of his heart. He parts his lips.

“Kiss me.”

 ***

5 MONTHS LATER

  Lucas isn’t drunk. This time, he truly isn’t. He might have had a beer, but he isn’t looking forward to getting wasted any time soon.

He’s at a party, with his friends. He’s having fun and he doesn’t need unhealthy coping mechanisms to stay afloat.

The guys are talking about how they’ve been spending their summer. Yann mentions his part-time job, Arthur gushes about the girl he’s been flirting with and Basile recalls the two weeks his family spent in Greece. Lucas attentively listens to their words, dropping something from himself every few sentences.

His eyes keep straying over to Eliott, who’s standing in the corner of the room, chatting with Imane, but glancing time and time again towards Lucas.

A couple of months ago Lucas wouldn’t grin at a boy the way he does now. But a couple of months ago he didn’t have a boyfriend either.

The process of accepting, embracing his sexuality has been difficult. Trial and error, despite the support from everyone around and having started dating Eliott. It’s okay, though, because Lucas has learnt that he needs to do things slowly, be patient and gentle with himself. He’s currently in the best place he’s ever been. Things around him have changed and his way of thinking is far from the one he had in the past.

Lucas is healing. Sure, there are still nights he wakes up from nightmares of being beaten up or he can’t sleep altogether. He doesn’t have enough bravery to march in the Pride Parade, yet, but he hopes that next year he will find it in himself. There are moments he hates this part of himself and agonises over the fact he can’t change it.

Then again, there are times when he loves who he is becoming, loves being gay and lets himself enjoy the life he has.

It’s similar for Eliott. He wasn’t cured, there are still awful days he has to go through, they fight sometimes over stupid things. They work through their issues together, sometimes ending up hurting each other. But at the end of the day, it’s all worth it. Lucas can’t imagine anyone else by his side and no matter how many doubts he has, he knows Eliott feels the same.

Lucas’ struggles haven’t ended, but happiness isn’t out of reach. And he wouldn’t have made it without his mom or his a bit mismatched – and at times weird, Lucas thinks, as he watches Basile mix up the spicy sauce with his beer – family.

For the first time, it’s all looking up and Lucas wishes he could go back in time and tell himself that he wouldn’t be hurting forever. That he isn’t alone and everyone that’s caused him pain, would be punished. Tom and the boys that beat him up got what was coming for them, even though Lucas’ mom thinks it’s not enough. Lucas is simply glad his case wasn’t glossed over.

Imane leaves Eliott’s side when she’s called by Manon and Daphne and Lucas follows her with his gaze. Daphne has eventually come clean and initially, everyone pretty much resented her. Rightfully so. Lucas is still bitter at times, but he figured out there was no point in actively hating her so he just doesn’t care. The girls are still not so enthusiastically on board with her, but they haven’t abandoned her completely. Lucas is glad. It’s not like he wants her to have a miserable life. He’s not evil.

Lucas looks back towards Eliott who is now staring at him. Eliott cocks his eyebrow, his mouth stretched in a lazy smile. He nods his head towards the exit and winks at Lucas. Lucas rolls his eyes fondly and excuses himself from the guys.

He flips them off when they start wolf whistling as he approaches Eliott.

As Lucas is in front of him, Eliott reaches his hands to place them on his hips, but is stopped by Lucas’ fingers.

Lucas looks meaningfully towards the room full of people. “Let’s go outside, okay?” he suggests in a small voice to which Eliott only nods in understanding and grabs Lucas’ hand. He entwines their fingers as they leave the house the party is at.

Yeah, there are still some issues, bad moments and not everything has been magically fixed, but life is no longer hopeless and Lucas can finally say that there is a future for him. And maybe, for now, it’s enough.

[scarofthewind]

PLEASE WRITE A SEQUEL TO THE BUBBA FIC IM CRYING

A/N: I just got out of my classes and saw so many requests for a second part to the Bubba one I wrote last night. I hope you enjoy! Bubba will talk quite a bit in this, please don’t point out that he really doesn’t even say anything because I don’t care. I will make him talk as much as I want to. Warnings: AngstWord Count: 1,494This is Pt.2 - if you haven’t read the first part it’s here.

The room you were in consisted of a metal table and two chairs, one for you and one for the cop sitting across the table- papers and files covering the surface. “Your parents would like to see you, if you’d let them. You’ve been gone for a long time.” He said with a sad expression.

“I already told you that I will not be meeting with anyone. I want to take my son and leave.” You snapped. It took them a while before you’d let them put your boy in a different room with some toys so that they could talk alone with you, but it still made you nervous. 

“It’s been two weeks since we found you and brought you here. Your mind should be clear by now.” The officer grunted, drinking coffee out of his Styrofoam cup. “You were kidnapped by the Sawyer family years ago, is that correct?” 

“No, that’s not true.” You sighed, gritting your teeth.

“They killed your friends didn’t they? That’s why they weren’t there with you.” He wrote down your responses in messy handwriting.

“Yes, they did.”

“And how is it that only you survived?” He asked, his eyes searching yours to try to find an answer. “Your boy is the offspring of one of them right? Which one?” 

“That is none of your concern. And I survived because I was nice to them, genuinely. Not trying to get on their good side just to try and escape later.” 

The officer nodded, jotting your words down, “When my team heard you were missing all those years ago, we never stopped looking. Took us a long time, but we found you.” 

“How?” You asked, sitting up in your chair and putting your hands on the table. 

“We found your friend’s car, abandoned in some old gas station parking lot. We never thought to look for y’all so far away.” He sighed, running a hand through his white hair.

“They all died within the first week.” You said, clearing your throat as you remembered their screams and faces of agony. 

“All four of them?” He asked and you nodded. “(Y/N), are any of the Sawyers alive?” 

You stared at him for a moment before shrugging, “They all left in winter two years ago, each went their separate ways. I never saw them again.” Part of that was the truth, they really did leave- except Bubba.

“Why didn’t you leave the house then?” 

“Because I didn’t know where I was and I wasn’t going to risk getting lost when I have a son to take car of and protect. The house is nice, it’s our home.” 

“Did you love the man who gave you the child?” He asked, looking at you with sincere eyes. You bit your tongue, knowing where this was going. 

“This wasn’t a case of Stockholm syndrome, so don’t you dare think it was!” You hissed, banging your hands on the table. “I fell in love with him because he protected me from the rest of his family- he cared about me!” You had to make sure you used past-tense incase the officer caught on.

“Then why did he leave?” He asked, finishing his cup of coffee.

“He didn’t. He died last fall, in his sleep.” You bit your lip, hating having to think about him being dead. 

The man went quiet and nodded. “Did you help them kill anyone while you stayed there?” 

“NO.” Lies, all of this was a lie to get back to where you needed to be. “I’ve answered all your damn questions. I’m leaving.” You growled, getting up and going to the door.

“Your parents are with your boy.” The cop said, getting up and walking out behind you as you stomped off to where your son was. 

A pair of wrinkly people looked at you and smiled, tears filling their eyes. “Honey we missed you so much!” 

“Don’t worry we’ll make sure your safe back at home.” The woman said. These were your parents, but you didn’t want them here, you didn’t want to stay with them. Their faces were aggravating to look at and something about what your mother said tipped you off. 

“Me? What about (sons name)?” He stood up and hugged your legs. 

Their faces turned to disgust and you felt your temperament grow. “You don’t want to keep something that they forced you to have.” 

“Excuse me?” You growled, noticing the cop gently touch your shoulder. “He didn’t force me to do anything! We loved each other.” 

“You can’t be serious, (Y/N). They were psychopaths.” Your father argued.

Shaking your head, you grabbed your son by the arms and picked him up, putting him on your side. “You two haven’t changed at all. If they were crazy, then I might just be as well.” You turned to the officer, “I need to borrow a map and a car. Now.”

You held back tears of frustration until you sat in the small maroon car they gave you, saying it had enough gas to get you back home. “Momma, are we going home now?” Your son asked from the back seat and you nodded, starting the car and beginning your two hour drive. 

You almost got lost a few times but in the end, you found yourself pulling up on the side of the dirt road, towards an all-to-familiar house. You shook your son awake and he sat up, wiping the drool off his chin. “We’re home.” You smiled, getting gout of the car and making sure he did as well, turning to look at the house. 

The basket and smashed food wasn’t on the ground anymore and the front porch light was on, illuminating a figure who dropped the hammer he was holding and started to run towards you. Your heart ached with happiness and you couldn’t fight back tears that fell down your face. “Daddy!” Your son shouted, pulling on your arm to walk faster over to him. 

You could hear Bubba’s cries of joy from behind his mask, his crying was obvious too when your son tackled him and knocked the mask off his head. Your husband held your son tight against him, kissing the top of his head. “Did you protect your momma?” He mumbled, looking over him to make sure he was alright. 

“Yes sir. We had to lie to the police so we could leave.” (Sons name) said, looking back at you and letting go of his dad.

“You go inside and find something to eat. Don’t make a mess though.” You told him and he nodded, running into the house. As you were trying to wipe your tears away, Bubba wrapped his arms around you.

“I was scared.” He sniffed, pulling back from the hug a bit to look at you. 

“I was too, I thought they weren’t going to let me go. They knew everything, my parents even showed up.” You sighed, taking a deep breath. Bubba ran his hands along your back and waist, moving one of them up to cup your cheek. “Thank you for not coming and looking for us. They would’ve killed you and after being away from you these past weeks I felt like you were already gone.” 

“Just listening to my wife’s orders.” Bubba smiled, leaning down and kissing you gently. “Don’t ever leave me that long again.” 

“I won’t. I’m never gonna leave you, Bubba. I love you too much to do that.” You smiled, letting him rest his forehead against yours. 

“I love you too.” He whispered, kissing you again before walking with you back to the house. 

*

Later that night, after you tucked your son into bed, you went to your shared bedroom where Bubba was already at, and lied next to him on the old bed. “You didn’t sleep at all did you?” You asked, staring  up at him as he turned off the lamp, the moon the only source of light in the room.

“No.” He said, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you against him. 

“You didn’t eat either?” You sighed, pulling the covers over the two of you. 

“No.” He replied, “I waited.” You tilted your head to look him in the eyes.

“You can’t do that, Bubba. If I get taken away from you like that, you need to take care of yourself until I come back.” He just stared at you as you spoke, his mind thinking about how beautiful you looked under the moonlight. 

One of his hands came up to touch your face and you blushed. “Did you listen to me?” You frowned. His answer was a chaste kiss on your lips as his hand went back to its spot, gently rubbing your back. 

“Goodnight, (Y/N).” He said, watching you close your eyes. For the first night in two weeks you both got the good nights sleep you needed; in each other’s embrace, safe from the harm of the outside world.

[theskyexists]

Fleabag

ok that sweater pull is just

that got me 

the way that was set up

i can't really stop laughing

but what comes after is just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa too knife edge for me really

my favourite relationship is already the one with her sister

fleabag wow she is a disaster. i always used to think - at least im not dysfunctional in that way. then i used to think, yeah but there's big advantages to it because you can lash shit out and away from you and idk fake it until you make it - coping for independence babey. but now im like nope. being that ragged and defensive and incapable of yielding at the right time or fix things sucks.

this rabbit teeth man apparently can hold a conversation all on his own.

this is fascinating because this woman i so extremely different from me it's insane. she just - what a dick oh my god hahahaha. she feels like she fucked up at being closer with her sister, hangs out with some dude she doesn't really like, has a horrible time, steals money, feels guilty over rejecting him and stealing from him, so tries to blame him and project on him for being a dick and get it all over with fakely. not to say that he isn't a dick. financial insecurity is a TRIP of mental bandwidth going narrower and narrower i imagine. (edit: oh and yeah grief)

no good deed goes unpunished lol

woah she can't be vulnerable with anyone? oh she did it. but then her dad is an idiot who deflects her one attempt with humour. wow this dude. well she instantly does payback. omg it's olivia colman. this dialogue is searing. it's not even that they were sleeping, it's just that they dont fuckin want her there. 'look after yourself' - yeah the point is that she came here for somebody to look after HER.

this is fucking DRAMA

makes perfect sense to me that she'd steal that statue though. by that time it's like why the fuck not nobody fuckin cares about me anyway im beholden to no one hey

so the one person she had a good relationship with ACCIDENTALLY killed herself. yikes. YIKES

im liking the bi vibes

damn all the men in this series are.........awful. lol

she really lives on the edge doesn't she. why seek out a confrontation with olivia colman that just seems like punching above your weight.

every single of her romantic options are SHIT. except possibly the girl in the sex shop but i guess that one's not real.

what the fuck.

allllll the men in this series are awful??? so far. fuckin FUCK!!!

so what im getting from this is that the whole series spins on the thwarted potential for fleabag to connect with her sister be vulnerable, and gain a smithereen of acknowledgement?

WHY.

god woman love yourself and kick the guy in the nuts again verbally like he deserves. like, make him fuck off oh my god. stop playing nice!!!!!

though i am kind of liking how this show has so many sex scenes but they're played pretty realistically but none of em make me feel disgusted. guess it's cos of the subjectivity that goes into it.

she pet the guinea pig! first step in recovery??

god i love her and claire's relationship but like. they're both totally not okay lol.

but they do seem to be the only ones who consistently get the truth out of each other

well wow this series does go There.

why is it that everytime she makes claire laugh she cries?? what is going on??? ah god i LOVE THESE TWO

why is every single fuckin man in this show pretty much awful (except possibly i suppose the man trying genuinely to be better at better man camp)

at end of the season: can't believe he was the one good man in this goddamn show. 

---- intermission ----

im just so fucking angry about this last episode of fleabag

so goddamn fucking furious

by how every single fucking person in her life abandons and betrays her!!!

but most of all her goddamn fucking DAD - he KNOWS that he wronged them for  fucking hooking up with their GODMOTHER, he KNOWS that his fucking wife is a monster to them - he’s right THERE when she says these horrible things to her, he SEES her SLAP HER, and he won’t fucking support her in ANY way - not emotionally, not financially (when he should know and DOES know that that cafe is all she has left of her friend), and then he has the AUDACITY to blame HER!!! HER!!!! for ‘fucking him up’??!??!!

when he basically JUST told her to FUCK OFF out of his life?? and then she’s nice to him??? she apologises to him??? he deserves to get punched out! he deserves to get screamed at

her sister betrays her and blames her for her best friend’s death?? leaves her humiliated and completely alone in the world when she’s just looking out for her?

AFTER she’s lost her best friend in the world with intense guilt issues?

she cannot rely on anyone - ANYONE. she’s right about that - and that’s the most devastating thing. but i feel like she needs to scream at them - stop pushing it down, stop keeping up appearances, stop stop stop.

show your pain.

makes me think her childhood was also one where she could never count on support, or a listening ear, or trust, or belief, after their mother died.

i can barely continue. this is the LAST episode. she’s clearly valued by fucking no one. are they trying to recreate - like, show how Boo felt? that maybe if you hurt yourself, then they may finally fucking CARE?

wow i was right.

well i suppose he did save her life

and…this total stranger….did more for her than any of the people that were supposed to care for her.

-------end

anyway. when love is scarce, you take anything you get. that's fleabag.

i wish she could cut out every motherfucker that betrayed her in that last episode. i know her sister is going to be a big character next season - but i will find it enormously hard to forgive her. BECAUSE she was the one person who cared for her, supported her, was real with her, appreciated her - and the other way round. that betrayal is worse than anything (apart from the dad's betrayal - he deserves to burn in hell, not get apologised to)  im sure fleabag will just let it go. like she seems to let everything go - every single goddamn insult and humiliation and hurt that other people put her through.

she never addresses any of it outright - never. never does she call people out. she internalises everything. she internalises even! 'i fucked up my family' NO YOU FUCKING DIDN'T

she cleans up the things she shattered? the most frustrating thing. they hurt her but she never dares to hurt them back - not really. she doesn't even dare show her pain or anger.

but the end is life-affirming af. and phoebe waller bridge did that very right.

[officergrimes-daddydixon]

The Beginning of The End of The World.

(Request: So I’ve seen a lot of imagines where Daryl is cold, distant and rude to the reader, and the reader is trying to find out why, then it turns out that Daryl likes the reader, Can you make the same thing but vice versa?)

Note: Im sorry this took so long to get out, i hope you enjoyyyy!!

Warning: mild fluff, mild angst —————————————————————————————————-

Daryl watched you from across the road. He had been trying to figure you out for a while now. You were the only person out of the Alexandrian people that he didn’t get. He saw weakness in the others, he knew that they hadn’t experienced the outside world, not like he had. But you were different, you kept your distance from everyone and only spoke when spoken to, you never sparked up the conversation. He also had an attraction to you, he didn’t know whether it was the way your hair flowed in the breeze or the way your clothes hugged your curves, but he hadn’t felt this in a while and he wasn’t prepared to start again. Daryl was getting angry now, he’d always been able to read people like a book, and he was getting mad that he couldn’t figure you out.

The new group were strong, you could see that by the way they were always alert and you could see the lost memories of the people they once loved in their eyes. You noticed how one of the group members didn’t exactly make himself comfortable here. Daryl. He was different from the others, maybe a little more broken than them. You could tell he didn’t trust this place, and to be honest you couldn’t blame him. The people here had no clue of the hell outside, but that’s why you were there, to help teach them to fight and hopefully Rick’s group would join you in teaching them.

“(Y/n)?” Deanna approached you and smiled when you looked over to her. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine” you said, forcing a small smile onto your face.

“Great! I was just wondering if you could quickly take over the interviews for me, Spencer needs my help with what we need on the next supply run. Could you do that for me?”

You looked at her with a poker face, part of you not wanting to deal with meeting new people but the other curious as to what their story was. “Okay” you finally said.

“Thank you so much! Daryl is waiting”

Deanna walked off and you sighed. What were the odds that you got the one who probably wouldn’t talk? You sat up from your porch and started to walk to Deanna’s house. Once inside you saw Daryl leaning against the door frame, he had half a dozen squirrels tied to a string that hung from his hand.

“You’re a good hunter” you said, startling him as he turned to look at you. You walked into the living room and saw the small camcorder set up just behind the sofa.

“You don’t know shit about me” he replied, walking into the room behind you, looking around at the books that lay perfectly on the bookshelf.

“I know that you like to keep your distance. I know that you don’t trust this place, and I can assume that you have a troubled past, just by the way you act.”

The camera was recording now, catching the tension that was thickening in the room. Daryl kept his eyes on yours as he tried to read through you, but he got nothing.

“Whatever. Just do what you gotta do” he said, pacing around the room.

“You can sit down you know, I won’t bite” you joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Daryl noticed this but ignored you, continuing to stand and look around. You began to ask Daryl the usual questions that Deanna asked every new comer, but Daryl wasn’t working with you, always taking long to reply or just ignoring your question. You decided to ditch the questions, you’d ask some of your own.

“So, you lost your family?” The questions caught Daryl off guard and he stopped pacing, pausing to look at you.

“What does that have to do-”

“Just answer the question.”

“My family’s out there” Daryl pointed out the window, indicating his group.

“Any brothers? Sisters?”

“A brother”

“How’d he die?”

“It aint important how he died”

You paused for a second, maybe you’d get somewhere if you went about it differently.

“Any parents?” You saw him stiffen and you knew you hit a nerve, now you just had to make sure you didn’t cut it.

“What’s your name?” Daryl asked, nudging his chin at you.

“(Y/n)”

“Well (y/n), what about your parents? What happened to them huh? You got any brothers or sisters that died? Any family at all? Cause I’m seeing you walking around here with no one by your side and I can’t work you out.” He was rambling now, letting out his frustration. You wanted to see how far you could push him.

You grinned and let out a small laugh. “Let’s keep to me asking the questions”

Daryl looked like he was about to say something but he didn’t.

“So, tell me about your parents” you said again.

Daryl sat down this time, leaning back in the chair and resting his dead animals over the arm of the chair.

“Mom died in a fire. Dumb bitch burnt the whole house down cause of some stupid cigarette she didn’t put out” He was looking to the floor, not making eye contact. You quietly turned the camcorder off, respecting his privacy.

“My dad was just some alcoholic who liked to take his anger out on me, and my brother-” Daryl paused, thinking back to a time when his brother was alive, all the way up to his death. “He was a druggie who liked to get laid and go to strip clubs” Daryl finally looked up at you, wondering whether you were even listening to him or not. You had such a poker face he could never tell.

“That’s a lot for you to carry” was all you said.

He got up and scoffed. “You don’t know what I can carry. You’re just some privileged bitch who can hide behind these walls!”

“That’s not true” you argued back, not realising that you were allowing him to see your weakness.

“Yeah it is! You been behind these walls with a shit load of supplies and houses with beds! You have no idea what it’s like out there”

You were standing now, both of you in each other’s faces. “You don’t know anything about me Daryl! I haven’t been behind these walls all this time! I know what it’s like to have to survive out there and have to watch not only your back, but others too! I lost all my damn family and friends out there!” You shouted, only realising what you had said after.

You looked up at him to find him shocked by everything you had said. You both opened up to each other, and for people like you that was a hard thing to do. You turned your head and wiped away a tear, forcing yourself not to cry in front of him.

“Am I interrupting something?” Michonne was standing at the door, she had heard everything that went on and you quickly looked up at her. “Deanna said you were doing interviews?”

“Not anymore. We’re done for the day, come back tomorrow” you said bluntly, looking at Daryl before walking out of the room in a rush.                                                                                           ******

It had been a couple of weeks since that day. You and Daryl had spoken since your little row. It was nothing much, just small talk whenever Deanna threw a party or if you had to go out on a run, but you two had an unspoken understanding going on, none of you would talk about anything other killing walkers or getting supplies. Daryl was the first person to know about what had happened to you before you found Alexandria. You hadn’t even told Deanna or the others, you lied so they would accept you.

Deanna was throwing another party tonight. Ricks group loved it, free booze and food for all, it reminded them of how the world once was.

“Why aren’t you getting ready?” You looked up from tying knots on a rope to see Jessie standing above you in a fitted red dress.

“For what?” you asked, continuing to loop the rope together.

“Deanna’s throwing a party for Spencer’s birthday!”

“She throws too many parties. And who cares whose birthday it is? Shit like that doesn’t matter anymore”

You weren’t looking at Jessie but you could tell she was a little taken aback by what you said. “Don’t you think you should go just to show your appreciation for what Deanna and her family have done for you?”

“What they’ve done for me?” you stood up and took a step forward, intimidating her. “How about what I do for this whole community? I’m the one who taught her sons how to protect themselves. You guys wouldn’t be here without me. So how about a little appreciation for what I want. I want to stay here and relax, okay?” you finished, sitting back down and tying the knots in frustration.

Jessie nodded her head before walking away and leaving you in a flustered state. How dare she talk to you like that? She’s just delusional, you explained to herself. She doesn’t realise how bad it is out there, and how these parties every damn week aren’t helping these people. You let out an irritable sigh and threw the rope to the floor, dropping your head in your hands. You thought about the people you had lost to walkers, or to other groups who took advantage of the weak. Behind your closed eyes, you were watching old memories, images of your younger sister innocently splashing around in the water, it was right at the beginning of the end of the world. You had no idea that sound attracted those things, so you let your sister shout and laugh in the stream. You were oblivious to the walkers that had started making their way closer to her. Next thing you knew they were drowning her, forcefully grabbing her limbs and tearing them from her body. That wasn’t the only death you encountered, but she was the first to go in your group, and you’ll never forget it because it was your fault. You should have been watching her.

A hand nudged your shoulder and you jumped, looking up you saw Daryl and he sat down next to you.

“You alright?” he asked.

You realised that your face was wet from tears and you hurriedly dried them with the back of your hand. “I’m good” you replied, sniffing and picking up the rope you had dropped before. The sun had lowered and the sky was a lightish pink colour, you watched as the Alexandrian people and Ricks group made their way to Deanna’s house, loud voices could be heard whenever the door opened.

“You not going?” you asked Daryl, who was watching the people too.

“Na, she throws too many parties” he replied, making you laugh as you remembered what you said earlier. “What’s so funny?” he asked, hostility in his voice.

“We’re just very similar”

“Yeah right” he scoffed.

“No, I’m being serious. I mean we clearly don’t fit in well to places” you said, pointing to Deanna’s house. “And we both have quite a dark past, we don’t trust people or open up very often” You said, thoughts of your past life flashing before your eyes. “As much as you may think you hate me, you know there’s something about me that’s similar to you, and that’s why you’re so intrigued”

“Who said I’m intrigued?”

“From what I see, you don’t exactly socialise well, yet here you are sitting next to me when you could be at your house”

Daryl stayed silent and you knew you were right. He knew it too, there was something that drew him to you, and it was because you two were so similar, he could relate to you on a different level, he’d never had that before, with anyone. You felt the same, although you never showed it because you’d learnt from your mistakes. No emotion= no heartbreak.

“Why don’t we go together?” Daryl spoke.

“Go?”

“To Deanna’s. I’m sure we could both use some drinks in us”

“Na I’m good”

“We’ll go for like ten minutes. We can wish Spencer a happy birthday and then go” Daryl pleaded.

You looked over at him and raised your eyebrow. You then rolled your eyes when you saw he was being serious. Sighing, you got up and told him to wait there. You went inside and a few minutes later you came out wearing a clean pair of jeans and a black top which revealed a little bit of cleavage. You saw Daryl’s eyes roaming your body before he saw you cross your arms, making his eyes gaze back up to yours.

“Damn” he mumbled.

“10 minutes” you said, your voice strong but there was a hint of joy in it from Daryl’s reaction.

He smiled at you and you both walked to Deanna’s house, you never thought you’d feel this type of way again, but you weren’t complaining. It was good to know that you still had some sort of heart inside of you. —————————————————————————————————-