#im just so anxious all the time im always worrying about school lol i feel like ive been feelinh this for the pst two years

[secretobsessionstuff]

nawwwhh man you aint gotta feel bad about not doin sicktember. im bein real here, i thought i was and i did like 3, so i aint either. but if you really do want me to request one, i'd probably do psychogenic fever/stress induced illness with madix bein sickie bc itd relate to me personally the most (bc i always get stress sick and i'd love to see madix sick witb it too (bonis point if dakota take care of him GOD i loved the fic where dakote took care of him))

Hey man, thanks for always being there and loving my fics. I hope you like this one even though it's nearly two fucking years late I swear.

This fic is set in the past when Madix and Dakota are in school together.

CW: Graphic description of vomiting! It's seriously so gross I love it lol.

-------------------

A flood of relieved students rushed past Dakota. He swam against the current looking for Madix among the test-takers. Since it was 2pm, they were no longer test-takers, but the sea of knowledge inside their brains would still be there until the PTSD of organic chemistry was washed away by time. 

Dakota knew how anxious Madix had been for this final. The dreaded Orgo Chem kept his roommate up for the past three nights. It was a known fact that this second-year course was a killer, and Madix’s prof was a distinguished serial killer. Many students retook Orgo in the summer, trying for that passing grade with perhaps a more lenient prof. 

With the hallway now empty—all the students having left—it was easy for Dakota to find Madix. He hadn’t expected his friend to stick around after the final was over, but there he was sitting on the floor by the large windows. Madix looked like a crab, trying to find safety in the shell of his hunched over back. He had his head in his hands and was rubbing his temples as if the trauma of the exam pooled behind his eyes. 

“Hey, how did it go?” It was a very pointless question given that Madix was curled into a question mark. 

“Fuck if I know,” Madix slurred as he slid his hands down his face. “I keep going over every question, doubting my answers.” 

“Well, it’s over now so you don’t need to think about it.” It worried Dakota how glassy and fragile Madix’s eyes looked, like he was about to cry or explode into flames. His cheeks were pale and sunken too. 

“I need a 73 to pass the class.” 

Dakota squinted. “Mmh sounds like you’re still thinking about it.” 

Madix dropped his hands to his side. “I can’t stop. That exam is all I’ve been thinking about for the last week. I haven’t even had time to study for Anatomy tomorrow.”

With a sigh, Dakota sat down on the floor next to his friend. “I brought you something to take your mind off studying.” From behind his back, Dakota revealed a fast-food bag from the student lounge. It was Madix’s favourite place to get comfort food because of the crispy fries, the juicy burger, and the creamy milkshake. Madix didn’t like to indulge that craving too often because it was a greasy cheat meal that often left him feeling bloated, but Dakota thought it would be a nice gesture since Madix had hardly eaten anything leading up to this exam. 

He was about to hand his friend the grease-wrapped gift, but hesitated. The heat coming off Madix’s body was alarming. Dakota could feel the waves just sitting next to him. A quick touch to Madix’s forehead with the back of his hand told Dakota that he’d been neglecting his roommate. 

“Shit, Mads, you’re burning up. I didn’t know you were sick all this time.” 

“I’m not sick.” Like a starving animal, Madix reached for the bag of food, but Dakota held it out of his reach. 

“Bullshit. You can deny it all you want, but your head’s on fire, buddy.” 

“I know.” 

Dakota couldn’t stop his lecture now, as if the two of them hadn’t heard enough lecturing the whole year. “You’re the one in pre-med, you should know—wait what?” 

Madix sighed at the theatrics of his friend. “I’ve had a fever for three days. It’s not going away.” He rubbed his own forehead, feeling the familiar yet puzzling temperature. “I don’t have any other symptoms. I think it’s from stress.” 

It was honestly the oddest feeling. Madix could feel himself cooking from the inside. His cells buzzed like the many diagrams of excited particles when submitted to heat. But there was nothing else to indicate a virus or infection. His throat was fine; his nose was clear. If anything, he was infected with school. Perhaps his nose was clogged with equations and his throat was sore from reciting textbook chapters. 

Dakota looked skeptical. “So, you gave yourself a fever from worrying?” 

“Yes, it’s a medical mystery. They should name a disease after me. Anyway, gimme burger.” Madix reached for the food like a child with grubby fingers. 

Dakota scooted away from his friend, taking the prize with him. “I don’t know, Mads. You really don’t look well. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to eat something so heavy.” 

“Come on. You know I’ve been surviving on goldfish crackers.” It was only now that he could smell the fries and beef that Madix realized how hungry he was. His stomach was aching for something substantial. “Besides, I need the energy to study for Anatomy. It’s tomorrow by the way.” 

“Tomorrow? But you just had orgo.” 

“I have a shit exam schedule this year.” Madix pouted. “Please, Kota. It will make me feel better.” 

Finally, Dakota relented. He had bought it for Madix after all. But now he was worried that it was the exact opposite of what the overworked boy needed. 

He watched Madix stuff his face with his first real meal in 72 hours. The burger disappeared in record time. Fatty juices glistened on Madix’s chin as he dug into the fries. His fingers were coated in grease and fry seasoning by the time he was done. In between each mouthful, he took longs slurps of the Oreo milkshake. 

“You wanna slow down there, bud?” Dakota asked incredulously. There wasn’t much more to eat at this point. 

Madix dragged his sleeve over his mouth and shook his head. “Have to start studying soon.” He swallowed the last bite of fries and sucked at the last remnants of the milkshake. Madix let out a long burp at the end and sighed. 

“I’m not gonna lie, that was impressive.” Dakota couldn’t believe his eyes. “You’re getting more colour in your cheeks.” Maybe the meal really had been a good thing. “But I’m still worried about this voodoo fever though.” 

“It won’t go away until the exams do.” 

‘Then neither will I.” Dakota stood firm in this decision. He wasn’t going to let Madix get burnt out…literally. His hardest exams were done, so he could keep a closer eye on Madix now. “I’ll study with you in the library.” 

“You don’t have to, Kota. I’ll be fine.” 

“I want to.” 

By the tone of Dakota’s voice, Madix could tell that he wasn’t going to win this one. “Fine, but we’re studying in the red zone.” 

“Not the red zone! Anything but that.” 

Madix shrugged. “You’re the one who insisted on babysitting.”

• • •

The red zone was the fourth circle of hell—also known as the library during exam season. 

It was the quietest level of the building, reserved exclusively for students to study in absolute silence. No talking, no phones, you couldn’t even sneeze without getting dirty looks. You could hear a pencil drop and then watch that pencil be escorted out of the red zone. 

As someone with ADHD, Dakota hated the red zone. He much preferred the orange or yellow zone. At least in the orange zone, you could whisper and cough without being shunned. The yellow zone allowed for conversation and anxious tapping. He admitted that the green zone was definitely not ideal for studying. That was the first level of the library were students could openly cry over their exams or practice for their theater final that involved a murder scene. 

Dakota pretended to zip his lips and throw away the key. He shoved his hands into his pockets to keep them from moving on their own. 

Madix on the other hand had no issue keeping his mouth shut. The nausea forced his lips together. 

The fast food was quickly catching up to him, staying true to its name even inside his stomach. It hadn’t taken long before the burger, fries, and milkshake resisted digestion. The meal churned in his belly like a wad of chewing gum. 

The red zone was popular during this time of year, so Madix and Dakota hunted for two chairs next to each other. They found a long table with many students already studying there, but luckily there were two empty spots across from each other. Madix was grateful to be sitting across from Dakota so that he could rub his upset stomach discreetly. 

Unfortunately, the red zone was not a good place to have a gurgly tummy. The girl next to Madix gave him the stink eye when the organ groaned, tossing chewed up cow inside his gut. He felt grease sticking to his throat and hot burps in his chest. He pushed down every belch lest he be escorted out of the level. 

The words of the anatomy textbook swam across the page. Madix felt his fever ignite with a vengeance. Now he was dizzy, disoriented, and disgustingly full. There was heat behind his eyes that turned his vision to soup. Everything he needed to know for the exam was right in front of him in the book, but the letters became alphabet stew on a white background. 

He dared not look up at his friend in fear that Dakota would see right through him. 

Dakota could not study in such an environment, so naturally he saw every twinge of nausea flash across Madix’s expression. His poor friend was not having a good time. Madix’s cheeks were now flushed bright red, and beads of sweat gathered on his brow. 

In the dead quiet of the library, he could hear Madix’s stomach struggle to digest the heavy meal. Dakota kicked himself for giving into Madix’s begging. The nausea was no doubt thwarting his efforts at studying which created a vicious cycle of stress and pain. 

Dakota did a quick doodle in his notebook and passed it to Madix. He was quite proud of his drawing and had to keep in a chuckle. 

Madix frowned at the drawing. Along the top were the words Green Zone Now? Below Dakota’s messy handwriting was a drawing of a green-faced emoji. Its cheeks were ballooned with vomit. It seemed he wasn’t hiding his ailment so well. 

On the same page, Madix wrote back I’m fine. Must study. Madix didn’t think he needed to go to the green zone, despite what his complexion said. He could control his stomach. The food would stay down; it had to. 

Dakota gave Madix a disappointed look when he got the note back. Why must he be so stubborn? Dakota had to drop the matter. Aside from physically picking up his friend, he didn’t see any other way of convincing Madix to take a break for the sake of his health. He wasn’t going to be making any compelling arguments in the red zone. 

Madix tried to ignore his blistering fever and his unhappy guts.

Systemic Anatomy was hard to study for when he was so keenly aware of his digestive system. He imagined partially digested fries mixing with the gastric juices in his belly. His body went through the steps with much difficulty. 

The muscular organ was literally in the process of contracting itself to squeeze all the nutrients out of the fast food. Madix did not like the squeezing. He hugged his aching middle and laid his head on the table in defeat. 

It didn’t seem likely that the food would continue on to his intestines. His stomach couldn’t handle the greasy meal after days of hardly anything to eat. On top of all this, his body was too busy fighting a made-up virus called stress. The stress was very real, but his immune system was taking it too literally. It was no wonder why he couldn’t keep the meal down. 

Madix couldn’t stop the burp from coming up. It burst from his mouth, splashing the back of his throat with acid. The girl next to him shushed him. Her expression was as sour as his stomach. He didn’t have the will to apologize for the noise. Regardless, he wouldn’t have had the chance to say sorry anyway because another burp filled his mouth with sticky saliva. 

Dakota looked up quickly to see Madix hunched over his chair and gagging into his hand. Another sickly belch bubbled up, draining the colour from Madix’s face. 

Before Dakota could do anything, he watched Madix lurch forward with a loud heave. Thick vomit spewed from his mouth and fell onto the table in front of him. The sick quickly spilled onto Madix’s lap. 

“Oh, shit Maddy,” Dakota cooed as he came to his friend’s side. He didn’t bother with the anti-social etiquette of the red zone, not that it mattered though because everyone in their vicinity bolted from the room. No one wanted to risk catching whatever Madix had during their exams. 

Madix coughed and sputtered. Scandalous! He could only moan miserably before the muscles in his belly contracted again, sending up another wave of mushy fries and curdled milkshake. Dark flecks of Oreo and beef dotted the sick. 

“Oh God…” Madix choked out. “I can’t stop.”

Dakota rubbed his friend’s back while trying not to look at the growing pool of vomit that was…everywhere. “It’s okay, buddy. Just let it out.” The same heat from before lived beneath Madix’s skin. Dakota could feel the fever through his clothes. “No one is here. You’re good. Do what you need to do.” 

Madix’s belly gave another deep lurch. The pressure forced the undigested food up his open esophagus. If this wasn’t the best way to study the digestive system, then Madix didn’t know what else to do besides open himself up like a cadaver. 

His fever made the room spin around him. If he had any sort of receptacle, he probably would have missed. Luckily, he had no issue catching his notebook, his lap, and his shoes in the process. 

“Good job,” Dakota encouraged. He patted Madix’s back firmly. “Get it all out. Get that stress out too while you’re at it.” 

Madix had to admit that there was something cathartic about this purge. He felt lighter with each bout that left his body. He gave over to his subconscious mind and let his body do what it needed to do. He probably should have listened to the hunger and sleep cues before this, but he was listening now to the Get Out cues. 

If stressed looked like a melted Oreo milkshake then it was certainly no longer in his body. He tried to imagine the pressure and the expectations and the need for validation leaving his body along with the vomit. 

When Madix caught a break, he couldn’t help but give a chuckle. “This is the red zone. I just puked in the red zone.” 

Dakota laughed with him. “All over it really.” He looked around at the empty room. “You scared everyone away. They must think you have the plague.” 

“I think we’re all infected with it. This pressure—it’s an epidemic, man.” 

“Don’t go turning into a philosopher.” Dakota took a step back from his friend. It wasn’t a good view, but he was happy to see Madix’s shoulders relaxed. “Do you need anything? Water? Sleep?” 

“Both.” Madix slowly stood up from his chair, cringing at the wetness that made his shirt cling to his body. “But I think I better find someone who works here.” Madix rubbed the back of his neck. “Guess I should have listened to you, huh?”  

“Let’s discuss my vast amount of wisdom when everything’s cleaned up, shall we?" 

[godspellcraft]

intro post 👋

hello! i’d prefer to stay anonymous but i wanna give a little info about what i do for anyone who may be in the same boat :)

i was raised catholic. i also have ocd which for a long time warped my catholic upbringing into scrupulosity/religious ocd (obsessively trying to always do the “right” thing lest i go to hell, compulsively keeping track of my “sins”, etc).

YEARS ago in middle/high school i had a friend who got into wicca and she invited me over for a full moon ceremony in her yard, and (despite that ocd-voice yelling at me and making me anxious the whole time about whether this was all okay) i was really struck by how beautiful and NATURAL it felt- being outside, including stones and herbal tea, making wishes on candles- and i secretly prayed throughout the whole thing, both as an ocd protective measure (still very much worried about hell), and, now i realize, as a perfectly natural addition to the ritual. i was raised to believe that God created the earth and everything on it…. why couldn’t i connect with Him THROUGH that creation? where church often made me feel anxious and LESS than, i’ve never had any problem feeling connected and distinctly “magical” when i’m outside interacting with the natural world. but at that point i was still too anxious and scrupulous about it all to really do any exploring.

flash forward to college and i started a small crystal collection, mainly for aesthetic, but also with a bit of curiosity. flash forward again and i’ve discovered Christian witchcraft is in fact A Thing, that the Bible’s been translated a million times and that whole “witch” line is pretty negligible, and Hildegarde Von Bingen was doing crystals before it was cool. in a weird way the pendulum has swung back to the other side, and i’m probably more catholic now than ever, but in the healthiest, most fun, magical way that makes so much sense to me. I talk to God & Jesus with tarot cards, i keep candles for some favorite saints (St. Beatrice Da Silva, my confirmation saint, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Mary Magdalene, St. Michael Archangel, and of course Mother Mary), and I can name the correspondences of a long list of herbs and crystals and use them to set goals for myself and to create what i think of as “physical petitions” (spells). where i used to pray obsessively, never feeling like i “did it *quite* right”, now i can put some herbs in a bottle and truly let it go.

i still feel i have a lot to learn. i know a lot of the theory, but i just need practice really connecting. i’ve definitely had some strange coincidences that are hard to brush off, but i’m still growing and learning every day.

so welcome to whatever this is! i hope you can find some of it useful or interesting.

and im a scorpio? if that’s important lol

edit: tags

[le-sserafims-blog]

🌸 Thankfully, I was able to spend my birthday meaningfully, so came here late 😭😭

Once again, thank you so much for congratulating me on my birthday, FEARNOT 🥹🥹🥹🥹🩷

Wow!!!

I'm 26 years old!!!

I've already been an idol for half my life!! 🤔 LOL

Very surprising...

It's amazing... When I first started as an idol, I never imagined what the future brings. I always thought life was unpredictable, but I've been able to continue this far because of the people around me who always support me. I'm so grateful for that :)

When I was young, my birthday was a happy day when I could receive gifts and eat what I liked. It was a day when I felt like the arrow was pointing towards me, so I always eagerly waited for my birthday feeling excited.

After turning 20, I started to feel a bit anxious about birthdays... 😅

Honestly, I felt a little scared that my time as an idol was getting shorter...lol

And recently, especially this birthday, it became a birthday with a slightly different meaning for me.

I realized that birthdays are not only about receiving congratulatory greetings, but also about being able to express gratitude to the people around me.

It's a bit embarrassing, but for the first time in my life (excluding my school days), I wrote letters to each my family members and gave them as gifts for my birthday this year!

I felt grateful knowing that my family was preparing gifts because we could spend my birthday together with them after a long time. I wanted to express my gratitude to them as well.

As I wrote about how grateful I am for giving birth to me and raising me for 26 years, many emotions have overwhelmed me, so I was writing the letters while holding back tears... 😅

And seeing my parents shedding tears while reading the letters that i gave, I felt a mix of emotions.

At a young age, they've been worried endlessly about their daughter entering this world, living far away where she isn't within easy reach, likely feeling lonely... I felt sorry, but still, seeing my parents shedding tears while sincerely supporting my dreams made me think this way.

Latelt, I've actually been feeling that there would come a time when the effort I keep putting in for myself will reach its limit— like the effort, if it's all just for myself, might exhaust me, reaching some sort of emotional limit. But seeing my parents, I started to feel that maybe working hard for someone else could be another way.

If I think that all my efforts are for myself only, I feel like I might lose strength when I detach from that passion, and it would be even harder when results don't come. But when I think about supporting my parents who sincerely cheer me on, and for FEARNOTs who support me as passionately, and for the members and staff who share the same dream, strangely, I feel energized.

These are just my thoughts, but I believe that to be able to continue something for a long time, perhaps this kind of mindset is also necessary :)

I received so much love from many people on my birthday this year. It made me truly happy to realize that there are so many FEARNOTs around the world celebrating my birthday and supporting me.

The online world continues expanding and may not always spread positivity every day, but I'm still grateful for the internet because it allows me to know that there are people who like me and celebrate my birthday. 😊

I remember my mom saying once on my birthday, "I hope you become an idol who, just like your name which holds the meaning "may good things bloom," receive congratulations from many people.' Following my mom's wish, I was able to become an idol who is indeed loved by many people.

I have experienced many failures and I'm learning various things as a person, but I've come to think that I'm happy with who I am now. Everyone has imperfections and areas where they are still immature, but I believe that's how we can continue to grow.

Im still in the process of learning a lot about myself, and every day, I strive to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday, continuing to reflect and improve along the way.

The world may sometimes be noisy with negativity, but I still believe that there are many happy, positive, joyful, and precious things in this world. Despite its flaws, I still find this world beautiful.

It's not all good, but it's not all bad either.

I wish to be the kind of person in your life who brings even a little bit of positivity and goodness. :)

Thank you for celebrating my 26th birthday with me, and please continue to support me in the future as well. ☺️

[reilleclan-blog]

This world has seriously lost the plot, I am so tired so tired of constantly waking up. This system is collapsing all this news shit is just a compilation of capitalism failing . And I'm so fucking tired of this shit I'm so fucking anxious about every goddamn thing . I hate work no REAL HUMAN BEING SHOULD BE WORKING 40hrs A WEEK . THIS WORLD HAS TAKEN SO MANY THINGS AND JUST REARRANGED THEM INTO DIFFERENT SHIT. SLAVERY IS PRISON SYSTEMS, HAVING A DAMN JOB IS SLAVERY BY CHOICE, ITS ALL BULLSHIT. I'm so angry and sad I'm so sad dude. This world is coming to an end , I wake up everyday like I'm waiting for the sky to fall like I'm chicken little. I remember as a kid I was being abused most of my school years grammar and highschool, and our neighbors would probably hear all of that shit for years and years. But when I'd get off the bus I'd walk past them with my headphones on and I didn't know they were talking to me I didn't hear them or was paying attention and a lot of them took such offense too that. Me a kid being hated on by adults and others because I didn't speak to them , even though everyday of my life I was being beat and verbally abused. But neighbors are worried about me thinking I'm "better than them". And b/c of this my mom got into a very heated argument with them over it, I just remember crying my eyes out b/c I just never understood why ppl hate me for the weirdest shit. Even when I thought I didn't do anything wrong I was always hated. This was my life for years still is my life, on top of still living with my abuser been abused by a lot of my family ppl I thought were supposed to protect me, this is all. My point is ppl only give a fuck about "appearances" nobody gave a fuck about me getting screamed at or me screaming my heart out b/c of how much pain I was dealing with ON MY OWN, but yeah dude call me out for not saying HELLO TO U. This world is just so sick this place makes me physically ill idk how im still going idk how im still trying to hold on to some slither of hope when most of my life I've never felt significant to anyone except my dog.

Black men police black women like police officers police black men, everyone wants some sort of power of control some power of worth. That's why so many ppl are misguided or pointing fingers at everyone else but the damn white supremacists, just conduct us to hate one another and it's that simple. The amount of times a black man felt entitled to me saying hello to them is fucking insane, if I don't say hello I'm likely dead , if I do say hello I'm likely dead, there's no winning in this situation. THERES BLACK WOMEN GOING MISSINF AND BEING KILLED EVERY SINGLE DAY BUT BLACK MEN ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT A FUCKING HELLO??? maybe protect and nurture black women and maybeee more of us would feel safe around yall . I don't feel safe I don't speak I keep to myself and I'm still seen as "rude" "aggressive" "mean" . This place makes NO FUCKING SENSE DUDE IT DOESNT. Ppl are talking about this election left and right, tbh I really don't give a flying fuck about the election this entire system is corrupt , ppl just want Donald stupid ass out of the office b/c he managed to be a menace to even republicans lol it's fucking hilarious . I genuinely loathe this place I'm ready to leave I'm ready to go . Donald Trump is the true damn hokage shoulder all the hate lookin ass(this is a fucking joke)

I'm so fucking tired why have I been lucky still breathing , idkidkidk I can't imagine my future at all I can't see myself being happy I can't see nothing. I'm terrified of this place

ITS 60DEGREES IN FUCKING CHICAGO IN FUCKING OCTOBER WTF IS GOING ONNNNN

[nishloves]

my rant

tw: talks about weight increase, low self-esteem, moderate anxiety, procrastinating tendencies. this is also extremely long.

i just really need to talk/vent about it.

the worst part about being a "casual" gamer is, you never know when you might get addicted with it. i play genshin and CoD, while cod doesn't interest me as much anymore and i only ever played genshin for like twice a month but recently- genshin has been taking over lol, i played 3 hours of genshin alone yesterday and mind you- i've already finished all the archon (main) quests and i'm still playing it!!! (this is called procrastination)

and this is not just limited to computer games no, i once was obsessed with aerobics gymnastics and was practising it all around my house (before corona struck and i physically became unable to do many tricks cue *decreasing flexibility/strength/stamina and everything after i got sick. after aerobics, my hyper-fixation was basketball and i would play it for around 2-3 hours everyday, my body slowly started getting better and my love for sports and gym was ignited again but then i entered into the senior year of my school and i had to inevitably focus more on my studies because i still can't see myself being an athlete/sportsperson even though i really love sports.

now, i was a science major in my high-school (my core were - phy, chem and bio) and i had always been a hardworker but i started getting burnt out, the more i strayed away from staying active and being fit, the more of couch potato i became. i somehow started studying nicely again, but got corona in sept.2022 and was on bedrest for two weeks, my schedule was a mess again. during that time, it were only my high-school extracurriculars (anchoring, debating, basketball, student council) which were keeping me happy along with a few friends (who in future became insecure of everything i was doing and shut me off by calling me "fake", that shit hurt.) and because i had missed 2 weeks of school and was already behind the syllabus by myself because of improper time management, so i developed anxiety- i only realised this after i had a mental breakdown in school for 2 minutes which i wasn't able to control instantly. (my anxiety is moderate and i don't need any medicines for it- i just need to keep my schedule productive and avoid procrastination.) i realised that i was quite behind and that i needed to do something so i did, i shut myself off and studied for 3 months without any outside exposure or anything- but that made me gain weight, from a 54kg 5'7 girl, i went on to a 68kg and because i got sick just immediately after, my weight increased to 70kgs. now, don't get me wrong- i love my body, i still like the way i look but, i don't feel healthy and i don't think you can understand how nerve-wrecking it is for a person who could run 5km without a worry pant after 500m. it was really... and i mean really heart-braking, more than my weight gain, it was my inability to do anything which made me more and more insecure about myself.

my anxiety, my newly acquired low self-esteem were adding fuel to my already procrastinating tendencies.

now. that is the main issues- i am a procrastinator, and for some reason i'm unable to fully get out of it and i get even more anxious when my days are going unproductive which they are!

i didn't score bad in my high-school finals, my scores of normal college entrance exams were good enough to fetch me into a top 3 college of our nation for b.sc but- i didn't want that. even though all my other exams went well, i seriously fucked up my medical entrance examination. i thought to take a drop year but im seriosuly scared because i don't think i did anything fruitful this year and i just feel like i wasted an year of my life and my main exams are in 4 months and im really really getting stressed out because the selection rate is only the top 1-2% among 2 million applicants, talk about competition lmao.

see, i am aware that i can do it, i don't know if it is arrogance or optimism but i know that if i really do give it all- my blood, sweat and tears and everything- i know that i'll do better, i will be able to score enough to get a medical college- but the thing is, i feel like i am scared to start and i don't want to be.

i want to- i need to work hard to better than my present-self, i need to work out to get my stamina, strength and flexibility back. and even if i fail- i atleast worked hard, i just don't want to regret anything which i am doing, i need to get out of this slump and i need to convince myself to get up and atleast try everyday. because i seriously seriously think that regret is probably the worst emotion you could feel and i don't want to spend my life regretting my decisions.

i just- had to get it off my chest lol. thankyou for reading this all.

i promise you, i'll be a great doctor one day and will clear this exam with every courage i am able to muster.

i guess... that is all? have a nice day and take care of yourself!

[studioboner]

Hi! I actually am wondering about trying watercolors for the first time but feel a little anxious haha.. how you go about drawing on the paper with confidence? Like, watercolor paper isn’t exactly cheap. I think I got the cheapest one avaible from Canson but still the anxiety is real… do you pick very light pencils like 2B so you can sketch veryyy lightly, or before sketching on the paper itself you do a planning sketch in another paper?

Im asking this cos I really love your art and it’s so cool that it’s mostly traditional! And the way you draw Tails is too adorable and consistent while being in your style, it always feels like you have confidence when you draw him.

oh i think this is gonna be a long one

all in all?i have the same anxiety as you. but i've confidense that i can make something good sometimes, but not that i will get it right every time. So i keep trying, but heres some stuff that helped

a warning though, i keep going on and on in this reply and can get pretty negative at times

my watercolor paper i use costs 2 dollars and has 20 sheets so that's 10 cents per sheet. which i feel helps with my anxiety... it's the canson multimedia block too, 140 msg .....

watercolor sketchbooks i'd find online were around 80 or more BRL, and then 20 BRL shipping.... that's 20 USD in total...

but a block of this plus getting it binded costs me 4 USD.....so i think that one [price] helps alot lol.....

as for the confidence.....

i've had enough time to do quite a bit of trad art, specifically ink and watercolors so im USED to the material and now quite as scared to "mess up" as when i first started it.... [hint, i still am] this is one example of a sketch page, they vary in size, and how "done" they are... i dont really worry too much about maintaining a rule of "everything in this sketchbook must be fully rendered " bc it ended up stunting my creativity

i did try the "sketch it onto a sketchbook and then pass it to watercolor paper" approach and tbh...? not really my thing... i've found that to me the first sketch always end up being looser than when i pass it on... i'm always more focused on getting the flow, composition and pose there than i am getting the right details or right lines or colors etc....

like this one, im more happy with the sketch, it's mroe dynamic, mroe fun

i DO sketch stuff on cheaper paper first when it's for trad art commissions though, just bc there i HAVE to make sure the client is getting what they asked

and i do use 2b pencils AND a "soft lead" mechanical pencil, btu tbh it's mroe bc of the feeling of it on paper than for the look of it...

here for example you can see the circle i used to have a basis on where tails would be.. i didnt erase it as i continued painting bc tbh it was just the sketch. i ended up liking it tho

i actually got quite MAD and angry at myself recently bc i noticed how much my sketches were looser in the sketchbooks when i did try the passing onto watercolors thing and i had a full on discussion with a fellow artist about daring myself to be bolder in the future, it has been working well

I sadly have to say though, that figuring out how to build confidense is more of a personal journey, and i cant claim that what worked for me [trusting my first sketch] would work for you.....

It's time, practice, trial and error....

OH, one thing though that DID help me. is:

-There's no art wasted, even if it doesnt turn out how you wanted it, you still learned something.

-Makins these personal art/fanarts isn't some school paper you have to hand it to be graded and then not get it back. You can re-do a piece as many times as you want until you get it right! I have quite a queue of pieces i plan on re-doing in the future bc i didnt like the first ones i did. im not perfect on confidence and i get scared of fully committing to drawings alot, many of them are pale not for choice bc bc i got scared of making my art too saturated and overworking it

i am about to get negative now so stop reading if you dont want to see that.

HERE NOW i's a alot of pieces i made that im unsatisfied with and plan on re-doing one day: too dull, simply way too watered

which led me to make THIS piece and do better colors

i hATE the way i did the lineart here. it's boring, the anatomies are wonky. it's a good concept but i didnt excecuted it as well as i wanted. but this piece has made me just go and try inking MORE so i could make up for it

which lead to this piece here eventually

This one here.... the colors look so muddy it just makes me SAD, bc i had been so scared to use high saturation that i went with the muddier colors by choice, if i had allowed myself to experiment i wonder how happier i'd be about it

which led me to make THIS piece with softer in value and more saturated colors

The colors and blending of this one are too soft and not bold enough for what i had envisioned it, i made it as fanart of a friends fic and it made me feel like i failed my friend and insulted her fic when i finished this. I dont think the piece looks bAD, mind you. i know it looks cute. and good even. But i had such high hopes for it.

which led me to make this one

THIS ONE OH MY GOD HOW I HATE IT. sonics expression is SO creepy hes like a horror movie weirdo , honestly not my best work when it comes to anatomy

so i've been doodlin sonic now and then as practice so that i could make this one eventually

The perspective on knuckles could be better and the characters look out of place on this scene, the background is ok

but in this piece here i was able to get a better harmony between colors, background and whatever sparse linework i threw in

Theres so many more haha but i'll stop for now....

Dont get me wrong i dont ACTUALLY think those pieces are HORRIBLE horrible,,,, i see the flaws in them yes, but theres always something i like too, and i know people like them, and that people wont throw away a whole piece over one small detail that in the end doesnt even affect the overall thing....

i've just been getting into the headspace of "ok. at least this one is done, onto the next"

plus the whole thing i told you of realising my first sketches are looser....

sorry im not too good at talking about this and my points arent very clear, i dont think this is going to be quite the help you expected it to be because the truth is that the struggle with your art is soemthign that doesnt go away no matter what skill you have...

at times to me it feels more like a mentality practice than skill, reasurring myself that it's ok to get it wrong and try again, etc etc....

i used to go to therapy and one of the things we talked about was my perfectionism, how i used to be so scared to mess up a piece. that i wouldnt even start, and wouldnt draw for months. this has been going for years now and hey i've gotten better.

but..... yeah im in the same boat as you.... except mine is no longer just about the paper quality!

Sorry this got so personal now, i hope that this hasnt killed your hopes on getting better at the anxiety. it does get way better haha... trying to force your brain to not judge yourself so harshly is half the battle in my opinion, the practice of drawing is the other half....

good luck i hope you have fun painting, i know i do, i love the process even when i dont like the result, good night and thank you for the question

[in-my-feels-probably]

Hi! It’s no worries I’ve been around this app long enough to know it’s kinda buggy lol. Anyways, I actually remembered just now I wrote out my request in a random google doc before I sent it and never deleted it so I have able to just copy/paste!

Congrats on 1.7k!! May I have a romantic hunger games (it can be either the original films or the newer one) option 2 match up please? I go by she/her and am bi with no preference, so any gender is fine.

I’m about 5’5, dark blue eyes, medium length hair thats kinda too dark to be dirty blonde but not so dark that its light brown with slightly lighter blonde highlights throughout. Ive been told I typically wear what would be considered 90s type of style but leaning away from more feminine things tho I’m not opposed to dresses and all.

I do get pretty anxious when thrown in certain situations rather that be talking to a group of people or just one person. But on occasion and definitely when I get to know someone I never stop talking. I am a ranter and rambler which means I could be ranting about something that happened and then start talking about something else that may or may not be related to the original subject. Basically I will always find something to talk about though I do enjoy listening to other people talk. I am considered the mom friend because I tend to be the most logical. Im also a very determined, stubborn person who usually is kinda pessimistic but still has a huge imagination. And despite all the anxiety I am usually a relatively confident person and am not afraid to take up for anyone I care about. Also I am pretty good in school despite having a kinda bad memory. Also an INTJ, Sagittarius, and Ravenclaw.

I absolutely love writing and have for the longest time rather that be random original stories I make up or the various fanfics I have(lol). I also love drawing and painting and recently realized I’m actually pretty good at making art related to animals and the occasional landscape. I’ve also been a big music fan since I was a kid, I honestly dont know what I would do without it. I also really enjoy reading when I get the chance, like I could spend hours getting consumed by whatever I’m reading. Which also travels into me when I’m watching things. As in I spend a good bit of time just binge watching new or old shows. I also really like walking around and enjoying nature. Theres a few nature trails I love going on and would go to the zoo every weekend if I had the chance. Which also goes along to my love for animals. Also I do like going to random places with my friends.

And thats about all I can think of to say, hope it wasnt too much lol. But anyways, thanks in advance :)

hi!

thanks for participating :)

since you have no gender preference, i’ll tell you who i ship you with out of both the boys and the girls, and then do the full thing for who i think you’re better suited for.

i ship you with katniss and peeta! i’m gonna go with katniss for this, hope that’s ok :)

katniss is absolutely not a people person. small talk makes her uncomfortable, and putting on a mask and playing a part doesn’t come easy to her. there’s a handful of people she’s comfortable talking to, and the rest don’t matter to her. she’d understand your apprehension getting to know people. but she’d feel pretty special when you opened up to her and started feeling comfortable venting and rambling. she may not be one for talking, but she does like listening. and you could listen to you talk for hours about whatever you wanted, happy to listen. you’re very alike as people. your values, your view on life, your temperament and your personality. you both being headstrong and stubborn could get in the way of your relationship sometimes, but you’d always manage to make her go soft around you. you’d be one of the few people that make her happy and help her feel relatively calm and safe, so she wouldn’t want to ruin that with petty arguments and bickering. you’d learn to work past it together quickly so you could get back to the simple things.

katniss doesn’t have much time for hobbies. plus, i don’t think she really allows herself the time to be idle. you’d have to constantly remind her to take a break and relax for a little while. she’d be too impatient for reading or art, but she’d enjoy hearing what you were reading about or working on. it would give her a sense of domesticity that she craved. and later on after the rebellion, she’d slowly start feeling more comfortable joining you with your hobbies and finding some of her own. i don’t think she considers herself to be a very talented person, but she would get a small sense of accomplishment and pride when she found a hobby she both enjoyed and was good at.

—

the place she’d most feel at peace would probably be the forest. walking along the streams, hunting for deer, just breathing in the fresh air. it would be a place she enjoyed going alone, but eventually, she’d start asking you to go with her. she’d show you all the best places she’d come to catch something or just clear her mind for a little while. it would be peaceful and quiet, which she’d love. one day, she’d ask you if you wanted to bring along something to draw with. she’d take you up to a ridge she liked to sit at, letting you sit down and draw the landscape while she hunted for a few minutes. eventually, she’d make her way back to you, sitting down next to you.

“no luck?” you’d ask when you noticed her coming back with a full quiver and no kill.

she’d shrug, setting down her bow. “found a few wild turkeys down by the river. some of the hens were nesting. i didn’t want to bother them yet.”

you’d nod, going back to your drawing. she hadn’t been gone that long, but you’d already made significant progress drawing the ridge and hillside that led down into the valley where the meadow was. you could feel her eyes on you as you worked, and you’d eventually feel her chin rest on your shoulder as you started drawing one of the trees, making you smile. you liked when she was soft like this.

“that’s pretty,” she’d murmur, fascinated by the way you worked. “peeta could’ve used you down at the bakery if he knew you could draw like this.”

“i wouldn’t want to upstage him,” you’d joke, knowing what peeta used to do took a lot of time and skill that only he could make look easy.

she’d chuckle, and you could feel her smile as she looked over your shoulder. “i don’t think he’d mind.”

you’d sit in silence another moment before deciding to take a break, setting your things down. you’d watch the ridge together, peering down through the valley where the spring flowers were just beginning to grow.

“you never told me we had flowers like this in the district.”

“they only grow in the spring,” she’d explain, resting her head against your shoulder. “my father told me the soot from the mines stifles them before they have a chance to grow. but out here in the meadow, they’re untouched. they can grow a few feet tall if they’re not harvested right away. you can use the roots for medicine…i used to bring prim some.”

you could hear the hurt in her voice at the mention of prim’s name. she’d grow quiet again, her eyes locked on the ridge. she was afraid if she looked over at you, she wouldn’t be able to keep it together. you figured it was best not to pry about it—not now, at least. instead, you’d pick up your drawing, handing her a few pencils.

“pick a few colors. i want to draw the flowers in too.”

she’d give you a small smile and nod, immediately reaching for the green pencil. you’d grin, setting the rest of the pencils down as you began working again.

“i should’ve known.”

—

thanks again for participating! i hope you liked this :)

[bellewintersroe]

im so so so happy to see that a BoB writer as amazing as you is still active, you have no idea. I would like to ask for a romantic BoB ship if it’s not too much trouble for you? if it is than that’s perfectly fine

if you take a very quick look at my page you’ll see that i’m a little biased 💀, but it is what it is

physically: i’m 5’2, very pale, I have long straight layered brown hair, green eyes & full and (for some reason) always very red lips. I would say i’m skinny, have a small waist, B cups (😭) and a big ass. I dress girly and like to feel pretty

Iam born & raised in Brazil and currently am in medical school (med school process is a bit different around here)

I’m an INTJ, a HUGE introvert (but only w ppl idk), very sarcastic, honest, insecure, and i’m usually the funny friend. I’m welcoming, shy, VERY stubborn, quiet, sweet, really curious and observant. I believe I can read people really well, I laugh all the time, im strong willed and extremely loyal.

i’m not a big flirt and i’m not very easily attracted to most guys but when I see the effects I have on a guy I MELT

I’m always willing to put my safety and comfort at risk to help other ppl, even the ones i’m not really close to actually (it’s became a bit of a problem tbh, I must admit💀). I’m always doing everything I can to see my loved ones happy.

my hobbies are painting, reading, listening to music, going out w close friends and artistic gymnastics. my fav season is the winter and I absolutely LOVE the rain.

ok i’m not the best talking about myself, and doing that in my second language is even worse lol, so I sincerely apologize for anything that may have seem rude or that is grammatically incorrect, I swear I really did try my best.

thank you sm sm for having your requests open 💞💞

hey! So sorry for the long delay in doing these ships!!! My inbox is still open so if anybody does want a ship or a request, let me know <3

also your English is literally amazing, don’t doubt yourself!!

I ship you with … you guessed it, Gene Roe 😏

I literally couldn’t NOT ship you with Gene. I think you’d genuinely be perfect together omg.

First of all your features sound pretty similar, like you’d be such a gorgeous couple and when Gene see’s you he’s literally in awe.

you’re soooo beautiful, omg Gene is almost wide eyed. He loves a short girl, idk why just the fact you’re so petite is very attractive to Eugene.

I think Gene would love your lips fr, like when you’re talking at first he’s very respectful and maintains eye contact, but the more comfortable and close you get together he finds his eyes falling down to your lips and it’s sooo seductive without him even meaning to.

I think two introverts together works perfectly, but as always it’s somehow even more nerve wracking at first? Like it’s a little awkward the first time you’re left alone at the bar- but you can read him so well and he’d be blushing and he’d have the sweetest little smile on his face.

the attraction between the two of you is immediate, there’s such a strong spark- and it’s sooo attractive to you that you can physically tell Gene likes you.

like he has this shy little smile that progressively turns into a smirk when you pay him one on one attention.

Fascinated at the fact you’re Brazilian, so are all the other men, but he asks such respectful and genuinely curious questions about your upbringing and culture.

I think Gene would be a big foodie, especially after the war he can’t get enough of anything omg- so he’d be keen to try Brazilian food I feel like??

idk just wants to know more about you in general. I think when he finds out you’re studying in med school his ears kinda perk up and this is when he becomes less introverted with you.

he’d ask you so many questions and I think whenever he’s anxious about something he feels comfortable enough to turn to you about his worries of becoming a medic in the army.

Because you’re so sweet and observant you catch his worries from a mile off and I think depending on the type of question Gene was worried about- you could laugh about it with him, or genuinely sit and give him good advice.

So he pretty much just falls in love more and more every time he see’s you. I think at this point, once you’ve become more open with each other he’d find more reasons to spend time with you.

lets out the cutest laugh and blushes when you make a joke.

When you two kiss for the first time I can imagine Gene being shocked that you’re so flustered.

Obviously you’ve literally made him blush and stammer for so long and now he’s doing the same to you? Omg he’s in shock.

whenever he makes you blush he’s stroking his thumb over your cheek- ugh he’s so soft.

Maybe you do something a little too risky for him, like you either could’ve got badly hurt or in alottttt of trouble to protect Gene.

Gene gets a little annoyed, not angry, but he’s a little sharp like “why’d ya do that?!!???” He’s in shock. But you’re soooo sweet and he’s too grateful for you, but hates the idea of you getting hurt or in trouble for him. He’d never forgive himself.

very mutual energy, you both take care of one another, you’d take a bullet for one another. There’s an element of protectiveness for another, I’d say you’re both fairly introverted so when you go out and something happens uhhhhhhhh you’d both definitely just enjoy relaxing in the comfortability of your bed together.

Gene isn’t used to cold winters, especially living in Louisiana, so you’d probably drag him out into the snow and I feel like at first he’s like wtf is this shit.

you build a snowman together, and throw snowballs at him- he’d be so gentle but when he gets playful he’d get a little too excited and accidentally plops you into the snow.

throws himself down with you and kisses you- soooo romantic oh my god.

fascinated by you doing artistic gymnastics. He wants to watch you practice but I think he’d be a little worried of coming across weird? Nah he’s too cute, he’d support you so much.

Gives you the biggest hugs ever, comes up behind you and wraps his arms over you- ugh I’m a sucker for this man and so are you- lots of forehead and cheek kisses- lingering gazes as well oh my godddddd.

your love would be so beautiful and pure, you’d be such a beautiful couple and I think your relationship would just be super super happy- I can’t omfg.

[castlebyersafterdark]

The only thing stopping me is money and time.

So to me the idea of wealth and fame is a magical concept because of the potential to do everything and go everywhere it offers.

But I guess many feel the exact opposite, where the answer is, “No, having the theoretical opportunity to do everything doesn’t mean you should.

hmmm... to this anon, i think it's not always wise to say can=should about everything because it depends on who gets hurt lol. but about travel, which is pretty much innocuous under this context, i wonder too about finn because i remember him saying noah is always travelling! i think for me... i have nothing near that level of opportunity and money, but ive been lucky to have lived my life so far at different levels of privilege (for want of a better word) depending on circumstance - for example ive been dirt poor, ive also become friends with People In High Places through jobs, and all the in betweens, and i gotta say that the opportunity to do Fancy Things did not always equal enjoyment.

finn doesnt like flying (i vaguely remember he mentioned it in a s3 interview once) and may be more ok with it now, but im gonna guess thats a big reason he doesnt like longhaul travel. but even without those concerns, if you dont have the right people with you to make it fun (maybe friends dont wanna go, dont have time or means), or for reasons like anxiety or mental health or even just where youre at in your life, experiences youve always thought would be great can turn out to be bad, or even just... indifferent. plain. meh. i mean, noah seems to travel a lot with his parents and fam. maybe finn's parents aren't free so often like noah's perhaps.

i remember finn also saying in a panel last year that he used to forward-project about so much of his life, anxiiously imagining finely detailed scenarios about his life at certain ages etc. and that kind of expectation will also make the actual anticipated experience disappointing, cos how often can reality ever live up to fantasy?

i love trying new things so the act of trying/travelling/experience can itself be a thrill for me, even if the experience itself isnt great. you mentioned sex, so i would say a threesome is a classic example of things many people dont actually enjoy in the act, and end up realising they preferred the fantasy of. you get to decide whether its worth trying though! finn doesnt strike me as a thrill seeker so maybe new endeavours don't appeal to him for the sake of trying it, as they might do to noah.

sorry for le essayyyyyyyyy

I love when yall write me essays!!! Very insightful, a different perspective.

I think I had an experience somewhat of the same vein, falling into a lucky job immediately out of school. While others thrived, the travel aspect was not as enjoyable as others may have found the opportunity. Good experiences, bad experiences. It's so personal, the trajectory of a life. Very relatable, what you said about "experiences you thought would be great" turn out differently. And I didn't know he doesn't like flying, aww. Solidarity. As well as worrying and being anxious about so much down the line.

It was very hard to get to a place where I live in the moment. It was work. I especially think that must be incredibly difficult for those with fame and status and projects like these celebs do. He seems like a guy who wants that. Making assumptions, but its not far off to infer. As well as the difference in the boys in regards to thrill seeking. I think that's pretty spot on.

Thank you for the essay, I love when yall share thoughts like this 😁

[1d1195]

midnight memories has some different type of magic injected in it i swear because that album is perfect. you have great taste i absolutely adore both those albums <333

YOURE NOT STUPID !!!! like seriously don’t even worry abt it i don’t expect to remember everything we talk abt i just thought i might’ve mentioned a song that reminded me of him but i might have completely made that up in my head so who knows lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ also seriously you’re way too hard on yourself about these things because what you give us is ABSOLUTELY perfect. like. i don’t even know how to describe it but every time i see you’ve posted something i truly get sooooo happy. so be as original as you want or go over the same tropes and lines a million times, we’ll all love it and support you no matter what !!💞🫶 (also i think all of us here truly don’t mind if you do the same tropes/scenes with different characters i think all fanfic readers go over the same stuff again n again and we eat it up every time😂😂)

OMG YES THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME !!! ofc i finished it haha i was literally stalking your page waiting for the last part😭 i canNOT tell you how much i loved it. i’ve literally reread it so many times THEYRE JUST SO CUTE. and i think i see myself a lot in that specific character because i was homeschooled like halfway through my schooling and all the people i used to know moved to a different state and so i just became like this awkward girl who didn’t understand parties, sucked at socializing, and would rather hangout in her room and read all night so i totally understand the feeling of not fitting in with people your age😭😭 NOT TO SOUND SAD AHAH I CAN PULL OUT THE EXTROVERT IN ME WHEN I NEED TOO BUT I JUST REALLY GET HER AND I LOVE HER SM SM SMMM I WANNA GIVE HER A HUG

her being a little nervous about their first time and worrying she’s gonna be bad in bed was SO real AND THE CAR RIDE THERE WHEN HE SAID SHE CANT TALK BECAUSE HE REALLY WANTS TO LISTEN BUT HE CANT LISTEN BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO MAKE SURE HE GETS HER THERE SAFELY UGHHH MY HEART MELTEDDD☹️🥺

another part i found funny was the “omg this is the perfect place for you to murder me 👀” and the way she laid out the whole plan JSDGHAAKKA just them💞💞💞💞💞💞 the fluff at the end was sooooo amazing and the way he was so reassuring about everything she was anxious about before. and them being a lil domestic and going grocery shopping together😭😭😭😭 loved seeing that little glimpse of how they work together alone. i can totally see them getting their own little apartment after graduation like if they decide to go to grad school or get internships or jobs or something idk but they’d be so cute living together officially

I AM SO SOOO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG BUT I ALWAYS ENJOY TALKING TO YOU AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY MWAH

~🎶

I find 1D’s discography is best listened to in certain seasons. So TMH is a summer album. Four is for Fall. Midnight Memories I have a hard time pinning sometimes but I’m a big fan of blasting Strong this time of year when the temp is warming up where I live. MITAM is a winter album to me but obviously I’m listening to them all year round 😂

I’m 😭 thank you for being so supportive it means the world to me. I feel so UNoriginal sometimes but I just love the idea of love and unfortunately there’s only so many ways I can make my couples say I love you hehehe

IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT!!! That’s so cool you were homeschooled! I’ll have about 10009 more questions for you but I need a moment to think about them and ask but I was NOT homeschooled and I feel the very same way about you. I’m a wicked introvert in an extroverted world so it’s ROUGH and WAS rough all throughout college. I still feel stupid most of the time in social situations.

Not to sound egotistical, but loved the little part in the car about getting her there safely 🥰🥰 and the serial killer part was just something to keep it a little funny 😂 so glad you enjoyed!!!

Thank you SO much for envisioning a life after college because now I have some ideas for follow ups!! 👀👀👀

NEVER apologize for long messages. It’s my entire life! I love it! Hope you’re having a good day too!

Xoxo

[creativebrainrot]

open journal entry #idk i lost count lol

chatter about friendship as a concept to me and my mental state i guess?? idk man i proofread this like five times and i dont even know what i said anymore 👍

i feel like i dont always communicate myself well and that I come off like i only care about fandom sometimes. I worry about a lot of stuff but only time will tell and I'm not on borrowed time or in any kind of toxic situation anymore so I finally have room for worries to just be worries.

light mentions of abuse, and my abusive father

I worry a lot. I worry I won't get the chance to become closer with people whose friendship I value a lot. I worry I'll get left behind or be forgotten. I worry I'm annoying, that I talk too much, that I've mis-spoken too often and all of that shit.

I've spent so long feeling like I'm living on borrowed time that will run out sooner than I think, that it bleeds over into my perception of stuff like friendship. it ends up making me feel like I have to start to "speedrun" the "correct milestones" while I "still have the chance." that I'll fade from the lives of people I'd really love to become closer with one day. And it's just an anxious feeling, I don't ever act on it. It's just kind of There, in the back of my mind.

I hate that I had to deal with a father who weaponized my honest vulnerability every chance he got so cruelly, that now I have to fight through so many layers of panic every time I want to say something as simple as "im glad I met you." And I never say it because of how much it hurts. It hurts to be vulnerable and honest like that. It's not bad if I get an opportunity to say something like that, I'll leap on those with ease. But if it's just me, offering that vulnerability all on my own, I can't do it. Not yet.

And I know that it's the warped perception I was left with from all his bullshit he inflicted on me that causes that panic, and it will fade eventually. I've unlearnt more than I can list here since making friends last December.

I wish I had more to share about myself because I think that would make it easier for me to feel like I'm showing that I genuinely care about my friends beyond screaming about ocs. And, y'know. It'd be nice to have a life I like enough that I want to share it. I often worry that I don't come off like I do care outside of that. And I do, I just don't really know how to show it yet. I'm not very good at starting conversations yet. Atleast, I don't have enough confidence TO start conversations yet.

It's a bit of a silly worry but I've struggled with feeling a lot of fear about "being left behind" for a long time. It bleeds over into my perception of friendship. I get frightened that I'm "not doing it right" or that just generally I'll be left behind or forgotten or people I'd like to get closer to will lose interest before I can tell them that I feel like that.

It's hard to be the one to start conversations about life because I have genuinely never had a real life social life yet. I haven't had jobs, I haven't been in school as I was home-schooled, I haven't had a chance to make friends my own age in person ever. All that lack of experience means I don't really know how to talk about what I conceptualize as "life things/topics."

There is no "one size fits all" approach to friendship as a whole, and I know that. I just, get scared. About "ideas" I guess? It's just anxiousness. General worry.

It's hard to not worry at least a little bit, when I've never had friends before. I had one when I was 8 for about 2 months if memory serves. They moved away shortly after I started talking to them. I never found another person my age I really clicked with. I was too scared of social media to use any of it. I never consistently talked to other people, that's a new thing that started last December.

I guess my real worry is just that I won't get a chance to grow closer to friends I really really want to. My worries will ease when I have the confidence to start or atleast attempt to start conversations with people. It petrifies me for now, I've kind of had an idea in my head of "not being good enough to be confident" in myself and my interests. Insecurity is a big thing I'm grappling with lately. Slowly but surely I'm finding solutions.

Idk if there's a point to all I've said. I guess, I worry that I don't properly show that I care enough. I wanna do better with that. I worry that I come off like I am only interested in fandom and fandom-adjacent stuff.

The main thing that causes me to worry that I'm on borrowed time, is the kind of games my father would play. He'd treat me normally for a week before going back to ignoring me and making me feel insignificant, invisible, unwanted and annoying. Then he'd be back when he wanted his ego stroked. Whenever he wanted to feel like "a good father" again he'd be back and treating me normally.

I have trouble sometimes with reminding myself that this time, I'm not on borrowed time.

I can just ask how they're doing when I think of it. I'm just too scared to at the moment. But, like a lot of shit so far, I'll move past my fear.

It'll get easier. DMs are way less scary now than they were just a couple of weeks ago. Step-by-step. I have the freedom and safety to take it step-by-step now.

[promisebymin]

.

[4timeseasons]

IM SORRY PAST 4TIMESEASONS??? PLS SHARE WHAT THAT’S ABOUT

PAST 4TIME!!! HERE WE GO

OK finally getting around to answering this (I (Meeps) have given up on finalizing stage outfits for now so the concept art will be put into place until I get enough motivation to finish it lol)

Lets get into it, shall we???

*Before we start, SunRise and overcast had NO beyond acquaintance connections in the past (they hadn’t properly interacted!)

Starting off with Natsuko and Yukihara!

past natsuko dresses very feminine, always making cute poses and facial expressions to be as adorable as possible. he wants to be loved by others, so he puts up this mask of endearment and very rarely lets any venom or ill intentions show. he hates other idols who are ‘cute’ like him, as he is jealous that something that takes so much effort for him is natural for others. he used to despise midobani, but eventually midobani’s genuine kindness got to natsuko to the point he just couldn’t hate him and instead loves and idolizes him. natsuko and midobani’s time in sunrise has caused them to grow very close, and despite having no combat skills, natsuko feels an obligation to protect midobani from bullies even if it’s just verbally.

past yukihara is very self conscious, anxious and fearful of other people, often hiding or running away to avoid a crowd or just one person. his only friend is ochiba, who he became friends with via their unit, overcast. he rarely talks with anyone but ochiba and hides behind him whenever he can. he likes to dress conservatively to cover up as much as he can as he doesn’t like the feeling of someone seeing him. even though he has all these problems with how he is perceived, these worries are washed away once he’s on stage. something about crowds of people obviously happy to see you makes the experience not so bad.

SunRise (left) overcast (right)

Now for Midobani and Ochiba!

Past Midobani had longer hair and was much more uncontrollably hyper (if you can believe it) than he is now. He had little to no restraint and was often thought to be absolutely crazy, if not for the cheerful smile on his face and he always seemed to be all over the place (both mentally and physically)! Before Natsuko came to Yumenosaki, Midobani was the target of various bullies due to his feminine features at the time and non-complaining nature. As a part of SunRise, Midobani was also the leader then and was meant to help Natsuko get used to the school (the duo came about through further interactions) and Midobani was absolutely delighted to have a friend and idol-mate. Due to Natsuko stopping the bullying from other students, Midobani finally got a chance to express himself more, becoming the friendly and cheerful (though over the top) idol he is even today. He admired Natsuko's drive to be an idol and the two quickly grew closer as time progressed.

Past Ochiba was very closed off and snappy due to his conditioned reflex of being on guard due to the ruthless hierarchy at his past school, Shuuetsu Academy. He graduated from Shuuetsu early and transferred to Yumenosaki for the idol experience, rather than actually attending classes. He was assigned to work in the library and ended up bumping into Yukihara. The two became close friends over time and Ochiba started opening up with him and being quite overprotective of him as well. Past Ochiba was well known for being cold and painfully straightforward, while being unfairly kind to Yukihara. He also wore glasses instead of contacts and had shorter hair!

Stage Outfits! (Concept Art)

SunRise's Concept: Cheerful Morning Light! Lolita outfits, often with feminine traits. Pink + Sun, Warmth, Joy, Love!

Center: Midobani

overcast's Concept: Cloudy Evenings. Fantasy outfits meshed with suits/business attire (cool/refined type). Dark + Clouds, Cool, Protective, Quiet.

Center: Ochiba

[gayfrenchtoast]

Okay fine we're doing this. I havent read the books and I'm probably not going to I've only seen the movies so I'm sorry if anything I say is contradictory or has already been stated.

So! Descendants 3 was kinda shit and I dont like it but especially because of the ending because everybody was like "oh yeah island is open and we're all happy with no worries or implications about free villains or people being spiteful about being imprisoned for years!" In fact if anything they joked about those things.

The island is basically its own culture, I can't say how long it's been around, long enough for some almost adult kids to be about and to develop a kind of community.

The Isle is a place of poverty, people are dirty and on the street, eveyone steals from each other and most people don't put much effort into appearance upkeep (personal or of the sourounding area) not because of laziness or being "evil" but because they clearly don't have time or luxury to do such things or possibly even the clean water. Does the Isle have clean water?? How to they get electricity??? Someone tell me!

Another thing that I've noticed is easy to see but is not much explicitly said is the unique style of those on the Isle. As previously stated they don't have much but those who have the most "power" and such on the Isle are the best example of this As they have the most colourful outfits. However these outfits are often made out of patches and ripped things put together, even salvaged things like nets and chains as we can see on thing like Uma and Harry's outfits in D3 they make the best of what they've got and they do fantastic because their outfits are intricate and detailed and just tell you everything you need to know about them. Which is why it's a damn s h a m e when the original VK's ajust their style to be more like Auradon's. That's not an improvement! Be proud of where you came from!! It's like they forgot what it was like being on the Isle in D3!

Moving on, here's something that was touched on in D2 but not enough. Equality. On the Isle there is basically equal opportunity as in saying everything is shit and nome cares what gender and presumably what sexuality you are as long as you can work. Sexism is shown to be almost casual in aurodon from the looks of it, Chad makes sexist comments and litterally none else says anything or seems to see anything wrong with it except Jay who caves to pressure from peers and expectations. He does redeem himself because he's from the isle and he knows you shouldn't give a shit about anyone's gender or anything. If they can do something and ask to be included you give them that opportunity. The sexism is also implied in the way that the rule book has men written specifically in the first place and that it has taken until then for anyone but boys to be allowed on any kind of sports team. We never see it! It seems to be the hetronormative veiw where the boys do sport and girls do cheerleeding and other genders? What other genders? Never heard of that? BAD AURADON!! I bet there's so many trans folk on the island just living their lives, thinking Aurodon is the better place and not knowing that it's a cis het filled nightmare.

Okay no I'm headcannoning now, if their are now a bunch of Isle kids at auradon prep they find it fucking aweful the way all these preppy royals are treating them and make the first LGBT club in Auradon. There is lots of pushback and they get bullied a fuck ton for making themselves the most prominent queer folk in the school until a fight breaks out and the club demand that they should be treated better, taking all the evidence to fairy godmother who is very hesitant because COME ON she's never been that great she is biased to Auradon kids and if putting away those in the Isle is brought up she is all on it, she is jelly spined about doing anything against the royal kids. So the kids are like "Fine, if you won't help us we'll take this to the King himself!" Well mainly the queer mom's of the group (you know the ones I'm talking about) who lead the others and protect the anxious queers as they storm to Ben at his fucking locker and demand an audience because they are being harassed and bullied and none is doing anything. Ben had no idea there was even a LGBT club (too busy ig) and is gassed there is one for a moment before he's like "wait people are harassing you?" So Bisexual King Ben gets his lovely Bi wife and they start coming to club meetings and investing in the pins and stuff the club makes. Most club members are pleased but the queer mom's are apprehensive that this will help until some assholes come to the club to do their usual bullying only to find King and Queen Beast themselves siting there with rainbow bracelets and bi pins and all trying to have a nice old time eating their fucking cupcakes what the fuck are yall doing? The bullying dies down quick once they realise it ain't gonna fly, the other OG VK's that hear about this become members and very protective over their queer children. Did I mention Dizzy and Ceila are a part of the club? They're girlfriend's. Celia is one of the queer moms. Harry becomes one of the biggest protectors over the group as the pan dad. He's been going around snogging everyone and anyone wholl snog him everyone already knew he was queer they just didn't have the balls to try and bully him over it as much as they bullied the lil club members. But now Harry can often be seen in jackets and shit with pan and general queer patches and pins and running around with his gay children yelling "MOVE WE'RE GAY!!" He totally calls them his queer crew. Anyway as a result lots of queer royals start coming out of the woodwork, obvs Lonnie is one of them, and the club eventually serves to bring members of Auradon and the Isle close together.

Where was I? Yada yada auradon expects girls to be pretty princesses and boys to be brave knights or dashing princes. It's shit and should stop being portrayed as good. Moving on!

Food! One of the things we'll established in all movies is that the food of the Isle is shit compared to food of Auradon. The Isle has no fresh fruit which likely means its almost impossible for things to grow there which is fair because again there doesn't seem to be much fresh water and there are always clouds overhead so no sun. Maybe there is some people trying really hard to grow stuff but the general attitude of the Isle seems to be "there is no time for that" and fruits are forgotten so much that the VK's litterally don't knownwhat they are when they come across them. That and anything containing sugar. Actually it's mention by Dizzy and Celia that they enjoy the fact that the cake dosent have dirt or flies so basically food there is terrible. We don't see much food on the Isle but what we do see seems to be beans, eggs, chips and shellfish. Basically protine and carbs that can be easily stored and produced. To be fair beans are kidna good for you but they're likely a sign that if they get any imports from the mainland it is canned stuff. Prison food. There's probably some chef villain that is trying their best to make good food out of the shit but honestly the Isle dwellers should be angry that they've been deprived of good food for so long not happy they're finally been given decency.

Moving on, music! Auradon dosent have nearly as many musical numbers it seems, the Isle songs have a distinct style, to them, the villains that basically "founded" the place were masters of the dramatic songs (with backup or solo) so banging music is basically ingrained in the music's culture, even for battle as we see with the fight between Mal and Uma in D3. Meanwhile Auradon seems to have mainly romance and "I want" songs. Even Audrey's villain song is basically an I want song.

Okay let's talk about the Villains. We've established that the VK's are not inherently bad. However not all of them can be totally good and there are legit OG Villains just kinda chillin on the Isle. They've obviously lost quite a bit of their power, motivation and sanity (isolation will do that to ya as they lost everything and the VKs know no different) but deadass? They were bad guys. You can try to rehabilitate them sure but you've basically just let them free roam, they could make a runner and you wouldn't get the chance. They were also shitty patents which is brushed over/joked about in the interaction between Carlos and...man I feel bad I forgot her name deadass their relationship seemed to come out of nowhere in the second film she didn't seem interested in them at all and friendzoned them multiple times I'm pretty sure Disney did that becaue queer kids were relating to Carlos and headcanoning them as queer (which they deffinatly are) but deadass their mom is an attempted animal murderer and has hurt her child as we can see from how they're afraid of her and her rhetoric and yet it's "haha I'm afraid to meet your ma!" "Me too cus im a dog! Lol!" Fuuuuck offfffff

I think I'm running out of thoughts so here's a last one for now; with the magical barrier down a bunch of magical Villains kids should be coming out for the woodwork. We know Mal has magic basically stored in her so it's is possible, she technically doesn't need the spellbook to do magic it is just inherent to her. So with the diverse range of people from the isle there are deffinatly magic folk in there. Actually if we're following Disney movie law I saw something mentioning Jay being half Genie and yeah! He should be half Genie! Jafar got turned into a Genie he's probably only human because of the barrier! Oh also Ben should be able to go beast on command as long as he had a better beast form than he did in the movies. And give him back the beard and fangs like fuck you he looked so much better

Okay I'm done for now

[spacecatchako]

i don't want to be alone anymore (sfw)

you and daichi have been best friends since your first year of high school. now that you're in love (and adults) where will you go from here?

pairing: sawamura daichi x reader

wc: 3,373 words

contains: seemingly unrequited love, confessions, covers the nationals arc, friends to lovers, angst, hurt/comfort towards the end, fluff, reader literally has a breakdown and daichi comforts them, reassurance, cuddles, petnames (baby, princess, doll)

a/n: no, i didn't have any idea how to tag this. this fic is a little all over the place and there are several timeskips. the reader is implied to have issues w family and friends so keep that in mind lol. also i marked diff sections of the fic with ✨ this emoji so if u want to skip over certain parts and go straight to the hurt/comfort feel free babey

you were used to being lonely. sure, you worked hard and you had dreams, but there was some part you that remained unfulfilled. it was like a void that gradually dragged you down. you'd managed to supress it for most of your life up until high school, until all of a sudden something changed.

you met sawamura daichi. he was cute, a first year player on the volleyball team. daichi was kind to you. the two of you became fast friends after meeting on the first day at karasuno. during your breaks in between classes the pair of you would talk about anything and everything- volleyball strategies, your latest sketches, even other classmates that were giving you a hard time. you could be silly with daichi. there was no pressure with him, no need to pretend to be perfect.

but there was something scary about this too. by your second year of school you'd been friends with daichi for about a year. it was then that the realization hit- you had never felt this safe, this accepted, or... this loved by another person. when you'd get anxious because of classes or have issues with your family daichi became a shoulder for you to lean on. he'd go out of his way to send you check up texts and leave you little handwritten notes. the first one that you received was a little post-it note that said "you'll do great on your test today! i believe in you- daichi." he'd blushed like crazy when you confronted him about it. it was new to see your usually sturdy and level-headed best friend blush over a silly note that he'd left. there was something different between the two of you after that first note. instead of walking you home like usual he started to keep a hand on the small of your back.

you hadn't been looking. you'd been talking about how awkward your family was when a stray cat slunked into front of the two of you. you almost walked straight into it before the cat bounded away, crossing the empty street and looking back once to meow at daichi and you.

"sorry, is that too much? i just... want to make sure that you don't trip."

you were confused until you realized what had happened. daichi had steadied you by putting his hand on the small of your back. it felt good, for some reason, to trust him to steady you. trust wasn't an easy thing to come by.

you smiled a tad awkwardly before steadying yourself on your own two feet. "not at all daichi. i don't mind."

daichi smiled and the pair of you kept walking. his hand had stayed where it had been. you felt... guilty for being so touch-starved. and for your best friend, of all people?

"how ridiculous" you thought to yourself. when you came home you knew that no one was there. time to start dinner before your family came home. you'd probably retreat to your room and text daichi when that happened.

daichi was so good and so nice, and by your third year of high school the tiny, lingering bit of attraction that you had had for him flourished into a full-blown crush. you felt embarrassed and guilty. never had you let someone get this close to you. never had you ever let anyone write you notes, check in on you, give you genuine-sounding compliments. it was the little things like "are you okay y/n? you seemed a little quiet this morning. are you getting enough sleep?"

graduation came and went. the notion of parting with daichi and your other friends- asahi, suga, and kiyoko- left a pang of grief in your stomach. you were attending a local university and daichi planned to join miyagi's fire department after nationals. you'd still be close to him and he'd still be living at home, but it was weird to think that you'd be seeing one another a lot less.

nationals was when everything boiled over. you'd promised daichi that you'd be in the stands at every game of the competition, cheering him on.

"id love it if you were there, don't get me wrong. but don't feel like you have to jump through hoops for me! it's a bit of a long trip, i don't want you tiring yourself out." he confesses sheepishly. but you really wanted to go- his mom and siblings couldn't because of school and work, but they'd given him their best wishes.

"I'll hitch a ride with saeko and the crew. she and i work at the same restaurant on the weekends. we already talked and she said she'd be more than happy." you chirp. daichi seems a bit less worried about you after this, but then he remembers.

"um. y/n. you know that saeko drives... well, not badly, just... scarily?" he only seems to be partially joking.

you laugh at his worried expression. "I'll be okay pal. we'll make one of saeko's taiko buddies take the wheel."

daichi mock sighs in relief and you laugh together. this was the last moment that daichi had before nationals where he wasn't laden with anticipation over whether karasuno would succeed or not. he felt relaxed, with you. he thought you were cute, and awkward sometimes, and smart, and... good. so good. you didn't always look to him like he was an authority figure and you were small. he didn't feel the pressure to make sure you behaved or kept you in line because you were good at putting up a front and keeping yourself "in order." sometimes daichi wished that you would let him take care of you, let him listen more often. he wished that you would let him love you.

oh.

oh shit.

"daichi? um, daichi?"

daichi blushed and was snapped back to reality. he... loved you? that's what that care for you was all of these years. that's why he wanted to know if you were taking care of yourself, if you weren't burning yourself out with pleasing your family and school and work. sure, he thought you were cute. he picked up on all of your idiosyncrasies, even sometime pointing them out to you. he had had an inkling that *maybe* he had a little crush on you... but the care that he had come to find that he had for you was so great. he had to do something- everyone was leaving for school and the championships would be over and then when would he see you again? there was this great, big fear of losing you due to confessing. but that fear was minuscule compared to you, his studious and independent friend, pushing him away and forgetting.

"sorry. i was just lost in thought."

✨

yes, you, saeko, and the taiko group arrived a *tad* late and missed the tokonami match. yes you felt guilty for missing it. but when karasuno won against inarizaki and you saw daichi and the team celebrate the win, it was all worth it. you cheered as loud as you can, and once the players cleared from the court, you scrambled to greet daichi.

you see him in the lobby and almost leap into his arms. he laughs. "aaa, hey y/n." he croaks.

you giggle. "hey daichi. congratulations. you were amazing out there."

he's smiling through the sweat and fatigue. you notice, out of the corner of your eye, asahi and suga slowly backing away to leave the two of you alone. suga clicks his tongue, making daichi whip his head around, and he gives the captain a thumbs up." daichi sighs and sets you down, and the two of you are left in the stadium lobby. volleyball players and spectators mingle around, getting food and shopping for merchandise. daichi runs a hand through his hair and turns to you.

"do you want to go outside? there's something that i have to tell you."

anxiety shoots through you. if it's daichi, it can't be bad. of course not. that's one of your best friends. right?

the two of you make your way to the front doors of the stadium and get some fresh air. the sky is blue and the wind is refreshing against your skin. daichi, still sweaty and tired from his game, seems to enjoy it too.

you giggle as he stretches. daichi sits on a nearby bench and gestures for you to do so too. you notice a little shake in his hands as he does so. he's fiddling with the zipper of his karasuno jacket in that cute way that you know he does.

there's a sense of unease, and it's up to you to break the silence. you're alone with sawamura daichi, your best friend and longtime crush.

"daichi? what's wrong?" you ask, concerned.

daichi looks to you, a flush on his cheeks and a light in his eyes. he looks so cute, even when he's tongue-tied and tired from a game.

he takes a deep breath, and the words come out.

"i like you a lot, y/n"

you blink, confused. then it hits you. your crush, sawamura daichi, likes you. like, the boy that you think about way too much, the boy that you feel safe with, the absolute gentleman who cares about you and respects you instead of walking all over you, likes you.

you realize that you haven't said anything before you stutter.

"i-i like you too, daichi. so much."

he's blushing. your face is growing hot despite the winter air. the two of you, literal adults, are reduced to awkward messes because of this confession.

"o-oh. that's... good. i think that that's good." daichi awkwardly says. he laughs a little, then it turns into a full-blown bellow. you can't help but laugh too at how ludicrous the situation is. two friends who have known each other for years, caring about each other, eventually falling for each other. who knew?

"also suga made a bet and told me to confess to you if we won against inarizaki. he told me after the tokonami match. i agreed." daichi huffs after the laughter subsides.

"of course he did. im glad that he did it though." you joke.

"yeah. because then i wouldn't have you." he smiles, getting up. he extends a hand to you, helping you from the bench

"let's go back to the group. i don't want to miss lunch."

✨

it's been months after nationals. you and daichi are in a relationship, happy to be with one another. he's taken you on so many wonderful dates and his family seems to love getting to know you more. but there's still something that's missing. you've always struggled to open up to people completely. even daichi doesn't know what you're like when you completely break.

that changes one day when you have to travel from your dorm, to your parents house, then to daichi's for a date. it was supposed to be casual- just you and him in your pajamas, watching movies and eating takeout. but after being berated by your family for your career choice it triggered something in you. you felt like a little kid again, being told that you're not enough, being slowly manipulated by your family into burning yourself out. dachi helped the loneliness subside, but you knew that, inside, you were still the same little kid. that thought made something inside you recoil, but you pushed it down and made your way to daichi's.

you settle into his bed, your partner beside you. you take a good look at him- your man, sturdy and stronger from work at the fire department. suddenly, you can't help but break for some reason. tears flood your eyes and they won't stop for some reason.

"baby? baby what's wrong?"

you didn't deserve him. why were you even friends with him? someone this nice, this gentle with you, this kind? you wanted him to kick you out for crying. you wanted him to break up with you, because good things don't last.

you were so embarrassed and you'd felt so weak and stupid. you'd never been allowed to cry before, you'd always been told that it was a sign of weakness. good children didn't cry, so now that you were grown up you shouldn't either.

daichi hadn't judged you. he just set the tv remote down and moved in to hug you. other people's touches usually made you flinch and swat them away, but it was never like that with him. not when he supported the small of your back when you fell, not when you jumped into his arms, not when he took your hand after your mutual confession.

the two of you were hugging now, your chin on his shoulder and his head tucked into your side. you could stay like this forever. he was so warm. you could feel the two of your heartbeats almost sinking into one as your sobs quieted down and your breathing slowed to normal. this was the effect that he had on you. it was in this moment that you realized that you loved him- you truly did. the brown-eyed, sturdy, kind, careful, gentle boy that you'd met on the first day of high school had become your friend. then he was your crush. now that you two were adults, he was your first partner. the first person that you had ever fallen truly, deeply in love with.

you felt weak for desiring a love that was this tender. pessimistic you has you thinking that maybe all of the bad things that happened when you were growing up- your family being distant, friends leaving, you feeling alone all of the time- were a sign. a sign that you didn't deserve love. but if you were undeserving, if the pessimistic side of you was right, maybe you could have this moment to keep instead. is that it? if a whirlwind kind of love was too much to ask, you could just keep these moments with daichi close to your heart. if it was possible to take this feeling and keep it in a bottle, you would.

in between sobs, you vent.

"everything sucks, daichi. my family has always been so critical of me. i never get to see any of our friends anymore. im trying to succeed at school but my family won't get off my back. i feel so alone."

daichi pulls away to look at you. his palm is cupping your face and uses his thumb to wipe a tear away. you sniffle. you struggle to meet his beautiful brown eyes, averting your gaze. but you can feel his gaze on you, and when you do finally find the courage to make eye contact, he looks at you with nothing but affection. for some reason you don't feel judged by him. you don't feel... bad for crying in front of him anymore. he's looking at you with nothing but acceptance, nothing but care.

"hey." he starts in a small, gentle voice. "i know how you feel about crying, doll. but it's okay to cry. no matter what your parents say about you, you're a good person. a lovely person, even. you're a good friend too. what they think is stupid." he smiles a little. you love that smile- the way that his eyes crinkle a little and his cheeks dimple. he holds one of your hands in both of his. "i love you. you're good, and smart, and kind, and hardworking. you forget to take care of yourself sometimes, but i think that that's okay. while you're learning how to show yourself more compassion I'll take care of you in the meantime. whatever you need, doll. you're safe with me. no matter what. okay?"

you're crying again. great. you don't stop yourself this time and you throw yourself into his arms. he's there, waiting for you. you let yourself sob into his chest while he gently rubs your back. he holds you in his big, strong arms and hugs you closer. you don't feel suffocated and you don't feel humiliating to be crying. you feel safe. it sucks to cry over what your family thinks of you and it sucks that you don't feel like enough. it sucks that you've felt alone for most of your life. it sucks that you feel guilty for wanting love and it sucks that sometimes, you feel guilty for loving daichi so much. but as he holds you and presses a kiss to the top of your head, nuzzling your hair, all of the pain is tinged with something warm. something safe. something so, so safe. a feeling that you'd never felt before.

it's in that moment that you know- daichi isn't a whirlwind. he isn't a storybook prince that will whisk all of your problems away. no, he's somehow better. he's a pillar of support, a source of comfort, a prince in his own right. no, he won't save you- you still have to take care of yourself. but he'll support you, fill in the gaps, love you unconditionally. maybe a fix-it-all is too much to ask, but you couldn't care less about that now. all that you want his daichi. he takes care of you. he respects you. he loves you, despite your flaws and your feelings of weakness and those moments like now when you just need to be held. he loves you.

when you've stopped crying your voice is croaky and you feel gross. you look up at daichi and he hands you a box of tissues from the nightstand. you're an ugly crier, you know that. but daichi doesn't seem to judge as you dab at your eyes and look to check your reflection in his room mirror. it feels wrong to leave the comfort of his arms, but it also feels like instinct to check your composure. when you're done you turn around to face him, eyes tired.

"do you want to talk about it doll?" you're about to object, in a prefunctory sort of way, but he cuts in. "baby, i don't mind. really. i just want to know that you're okay. i just want to know that you feel safe. you've endured a lot and the way that you feel matters."

you sniffle. "im fine not talking for now daichi. im... tired. just tired. from crying. i just want to sleep." when he shows you nothing but understanding, you stutter out one last request

"ww-will you hold me?"

"of course, princess. ive got you."

you clamber back to bed. daichi and you shift positions so that he's laying down and you're against his chest. he smells like that nice, crisp soap that he always uses. you bury your face in his chest once more, before laying on your side to the sound of his heartbeat.

you sigh. "i love this sound. it lets me know that you're here with me. it let's me know that you're real."

daichi chuckles warmly. you can hear the sound reverberate throughout his chest and it tickles your ear. he's so sweet. it's then that he promises something to you.

"im here, darling. and i am not going anywhere."

your eyes water a little at that. "i love you, daichi. you're my best friend."

he sighs, and it's like you can feel his warm, gentle smile from where you're resting. "i love you too, doll. so much. you are the most precious thing in the world to me."

you know in that moment that you are loved- genuinely, indellibly loved. the roughness and loneliness that you once endured is no more. despite everything, you're learning how to love yourself and to take care of yourself. it feels so, so lonely sometimes and the work seems endless. but whenever you need someone to catch you when you fall, you know that your love, daichi, will be there. forevermore.

his heartbeat relaxes you as you snuggle deeper into his chest. the last words that the two of you utter to one another are ones of love before you both drift off to sleep. you love him- so, so much. and he loves you.

tagging some folks in the longest fic that ive ever written because aaaaaa. if u want to be added to my taglist or taken off plz send me an ask!

@ceo-of-daichi @honeybunny-sawamura @daichis-kitty @goldenshoyo @daichidaichidaichi @kingtamakimurder

[2dmenenthusiast]

Request: [@wnderwater ] Oh it’s a shame I was your first request I love your aizawa stuff but may I have hcs (or scenario if you feel like it) for aizawa with an s/o that has a habit of making sure everythig is clean & tidy because messy cramped places make her anxious bc as a kid she hated how her neglectful parents let their home become messy and she became claustrophobic and one day the guys only find out that she’s so badly affected by tight spaces when they get stuck in an elevator or closet and she starts to panic

Omg literally I am so sorry this took forever to get to I’ve just been hella stressed and busy and ugh. But things have calmed down now since Christmas is over (until new years) so please don’t let this deter you all from requesting lmao. Anyway, thank you bubs for requesting again and thank you for liking my Aizawa fics. I honestly love writing for that grump lol. (also sorry I couldnt make this a whole scenrio I wanted to get this out for you and im literally exhausted) Anyway let’s get on with it.

first thing first, I’m not claustrophobic so I hope I write this well lol

but for you lovelies that might relate-

you didn’t tell Aizawa about your phobia for cramped spaces when you first started going out

you didn’t tell him at all actually

he found out for himself {the observant bastard)

he didn’t find out right away though.

He would notice times where you’d both be in the elevator at the school, and you would kinda shift and just look really uncomfortable

He always asked if you were okay, and you’d tell him you were fine (but in reality you were praying the ride up and down the floors would just end already as you fidgeted with your hands to try nd distract yourself)

You never mentioned your past to him either

sure he’d caught bits and pieces whenever you accidently let something slip or had a bit too much to drink, or during the rare occasions where you actually opened up about certain things you liked to keep to yourself.

But he only knew a few things for sure

1. your parents weren’t the greatest

2. you couldn’t stand clutter

the second one he didn’t have to pry out of you to know, he saw it with his own eyes everytime you came over and would try to discretely tidy up his place

now, aizawa was a relatively clean guy

sure he napped in a sleeping bag and looked homeless most of the time, but he kept his house clean and showered regularly, so whenever you came over and immediately started picking up his discarded things, he honestly felt kinda bad

Was he too messy? Did he digust you?

Oh god please reassure this baby

If he confronts you about it, you do let him know why you constantly tidy up

and hey dont worry, he’ll try to understand. He’s just glad it doesnt really have anything to do with him.

from then on, he’ll make sure to pick up a bit whenever he knows you’re coming over so he’s not unintentionally kinda stressing you out.

this grumpy man cares about you and will do whatever to make you feel comfortable

when you come over one day and the place is all nice and neat, he’s just kinda standing there looking at you while you look around like

“Did I do okay? Are you comfortable?”

and you just give him a big ol’ smooch. like yes baby, thank you

still he doesn’t really know you’re claustrophobic until you both are in the elevator at the school one day

of course, it’s already uncomfortble as it is

but then the lights flicker, and the elevator jostles before suddenly stopping and- oh no

you’re trapped. You’re stuck in this metal death box and you’re never getting out

so you’re like, internally freaking out, right?

and aizawa just sighs, pressing the emergency button a few times as he just stands there like this is just a daily occurrence

but this isn’t a minor inconvenience for you. Sure, you’ll look back on this later and think “Oh god, I was so ridiculous then.”

but right now?

Yeah, you feel like the metal walls are about to cave in and fucking crush you

you place a hand on the wall and feel the cool surface against your skin, trying to feel something to ground you in the reality that everything will be fine. someone will come and get you and you’ll go on with your day

but your mind is just like “Nope, sorry.”

Now aizawa’s looking at you, and you know you’re starting to show signs of how anxious you feel

you’re breathing heavy, and you duck your head down to try and calm down but nothing is working

and of course aizawa can just immediately pick up on what’s wrong because he’s attentive and perfect and oh god pls marry me sir

Ahem anyway

Mans is immediately by your side, asking you what’s wrong and what he can do to make your feel better

and he’s pissed at this point because why the fuck isn’t anyone getting you both out of here

can’t they understand that his partner is in distress?!

so he just

gently takes your face in his hands and makes you look at him like-

“Hey, I’m right here, y/n. Just focus on me, okay? just listen to my voice.”

and it’s honestly working? He’s a perfect distraction from the thoughts going wild in your head and wow have his eyes always been this beautiful?

By the time someone finally rescues the both of you, you’ve calmed down a bit now, but aizawa still rushes you out of the elevator and takes you to the teachers lounge so that you can rest and have some water

he then insists that you go home

and you’re just like “uhh I’m fine? Seriously I’ll be okay.”

but he insists of course. it’s not that he doesn’t think you can do your job, he’s just worried

after a bit of convincing, he finally relents

From then on whenever you take the elevator, he makes sure he’s with you in case something happens again, even though Nezu has assured him the issue has been fixed