#im just procrastinating because i dont want to finish my project

[lipgloss3ater]

just cried like four times started hyperventilating and now im doing my hair. woohoo am i right or am i right

anyways demo woman

[night-dragon937]

why do i only get motivation at night TwT

cleaning, organizing, cooking, responding to emails/texts/calls, filling out paperwork, doing art or crafts, filming tiktoks- 10am? no chance. 3pm? that's funny but no. 6pm? ehh that's pushing it, probably not. 2am?? fuck yeahh let's get it all done right now!!

i need help and also someone to tell me that the project i want to start working on (will take a minimum of three hours) is a bad idea to start now, at 2am, when i need to get up in like eight hours

[forlorn-crows]

hey! i'm really not a writer but i have to take a class on it next year and i'm really scared by it, so i'm trying to get opinions and whatnot from people who do write. (that's why you might see this ask in a lot of authors' inboxes heh) i'm wondering if there's anything that helps you get in the mood to write, if there's anything that causes/makes worse a writer's block, if you find it easier to write when given a prompt or if you prefer to make things up completely, if you prefer writing a story or more of an essay, how long does it take you to finish something and how do you know it's finished? and i know a lot of these could be answered with "it depends" but please avoid saying that if you can! thank you for helping me!

there's two perspectives i have here: one is writing in the context of college courses, and two is writing for pleasure.

when i wrote essays in college, i would always need a quiet place to go, or a place where conversations wouldn't be distracting. the 3rd floor of the library. a study cubby. starbucks at 4pm. but i would ALWAYS have instrumental music in my headphones. lofi. writing music playlists on youtube. classical. whatever made me feel 'scholarly' and didn't have words. that was my go to. and i think doing that same routine, getting my little drinks and always AFTER i had eaten was key to at least having some semblance of motivation to get my shit done. cause i had to write a LOT. all the time. different lengths of things too; 500 words to full length papers.

with school, the motivation was "i have to get it done by x date". and im a perfectionist, so it took me a looooong time to write the hard stuff. especially since i had to research as well. loooong time to gather sources before i actually did any writing, loooong time sorting and culling those sources, looooong time stringing them together to make them 'perfect'. i self inflict a lot of struggle, but thats how my brain functions to get the outcomes i did (and the grades I did).

I did do some creative writing in college, mostly poetry. for that, there were certainly deadlines motivating me, but the projects got my creative side flowing a bit more. often times, i would have to stop to jot something down while i was going about my day, because i knew i would forget it later. but, a lot of the same things can be said about my college creative writing; i slaved over the things until they were perfect, until they finally looked 'right' to me. and that takes a lot of time, personally. i hated procrastinating but sometimes you really do write better under pressure.

in school, i needed clear cut prompts/requirements for my long form work. i couldn't function without them, because i always outlined like crazy. it helped organize and cull my crazy thoughts.

now, with personal writing (which i 99% fanfiction currently), it can be hit or miss. sometimes, i need someone else's ideas to get me going. other times, im plagued by horny visions during work and i have to jot them down in my phone until i can write them out later. and sometimes i lose motivation by then, which sucks.

sometimes, it takes me a long time to finish stories. whether that be due to length, or simply because i took my time writing it little by little. I can crank out a full length fic in 2 days if im really feeling it, or it make take an entire week to write 1k words. it just depends on how into writing and into the idea i am.

lately, i have to go with whatever sparks my interest in order to write. i find its no fun to try and force yourself to write for pleasure, bc it just becomes a chore then. writing as a hobby is supposed to be fun, it is not supposed to consume you (wise words that crow does not follow a lot of times).

my advice for school is to keep track of your deadlines. start earlier than you need to for big projects, especially if you have an idea you really want to role with. dont be afraid to brainstorm with your teachers, they're your resource for stuff like that. they can help steer you in the right direction if you're stuck. carve out time to write and double down on it. take breaks when you need to, of course, but try to stay on task whenever possible.

my advice for personal writing is DO NOT FORCE IT. if you get inspired by something, and feel the need to write, and you can write at that moment, do it. those words will come like no other. second best thing is to write it down to visit later. i also think its important to remember you do not have to write every idea you ever think of, even if its a really good idea! its okay to have ideas that you dont do anything with.

overall advice, dont feel like you have to edit as you go. if you're unsure of your skills as a writer, just get down the ideas onto paper. thats the first step. write it how you might tell a story to a friend. all the fancy word choice and formatting can be done later. and know that you dont have to be the most seasoned writer to be a good writer. skills take time to develop. and the class may be boring at times. but its to help you learn, so dont fret! its okay to be scared at first.

let me know if you have any other questions, i have a lot under my belt, believe me!

[bubsub69]

Entry 15

18/06/2023 23:17 Been a couple days since i last wrote, probably because I've been writing the report for the final project and I've been sick of writing, I'm obviously still writing this to procrastinate on the report, this thing is fucking awful I have no ideia what to write, i sent a first draft to the teacher thinking i was like 80% done and he just said this is trash do it better. But now i dont know what to write, ive rewritten a couple things but ive barely done anything.

But enough about that, after being sick of being ignored and findommed i decided to do a bit of nofap, not chastity just not looking at porn stuff and its actually been easier than i expected, probably because i dont use reddit anymore and thats where i got my porn from. But yeah no reddit no alt account tumblr just been abstaining from that for a while, but now that im making a new entry might as well check if someone talked to me, probably not though.. well would you look at that someone did reply after 6 days so i guess we'll see how that goes.

I talked with D a bit about taking Oreo to the vet and also mentioned the reddit blackout, she really seems to be into the conversation but at the same time not caring about me enough to text, I don't know what to do with her. Oh just noticed she posted on twitter doing squats with weights… this is actually the most i've seen of her, and really made me feel like shit compared to her. I dont know why i'm still trying to get with her she obviously doesnt want anything to do with me I'm obviously just bothering her, guess thats me being selfish thinking im worth her time, i want to move on but i really can't just wish she'd send me 1 fucking message but i guess i dont deserve that either.

I decided to try tinder as well, waiting for my cousin to send me some pics we took so i can finish my profile and then im gonna have to try and talk to girls i guess, we'll see how that goes, i hope this makes me move on from D and i dont get worst case scenario where im with someone else and still thinking about her, fuck maybe i shouldnt go to tinder, no one deserves that but i guess same kinda happened to my cousin, she couldnt get over someone and kept crying about it but as soon as she found someone else ive barely heard anything of the old dude since.

It's always the procrastination entries that are the shorter huh, probably because I'm so sick of writing because of the stupid report, oh well at least the deadline is kinda big so i dont have to stress about that

[dingleberry-art]

just remembered i have free will and can post about whatever i want so here's a little bit about living with adhd i guess (and funny/ annoying stuff i hear from people who don't have it) btw this is only my experience, and i can ASSURE you this isnt all of the adhd experience. warning, kinda sad lol (and now ive finished typing, long asf!!)

a big issue is motivation, like HUGE. My adhd causes me to have MASSIVE instant gratification problems, and several years in a row this has impacted my school. If a task doesn't give me satisfaction immediately it genuinely is painful to try and start it. I have so many art projects, sewing things, crochet, etc that almost feel like doing schoolwork if im struggling that week. I have been known to doomscroll for 7-9 hours IN FRONT OF MY ASSIGNMENT AT MY DESK because it feels like asking my body to hurt itself just to start work.

cont of the last one sort of: Wasted time (AGHGJSHGHGJA). I lowkey believe I could have done so much more with my life if I could just sit down and focus. Luckily ive gotten into the mindset of "keep pushing forward, you cant change the past" but holy shit its a killer. Assignments that take 5-10 minutes take 5-11 hours to START, and in these hours of procrastination i am NAWT enjoying myself at alllll. Its 5-10 mins of scrolling, almost start crying because i CANT JUST START, then back to scrolling, repeat. Plus what hurts more is that once i do start, it really only does take those 5 minutes

Now one that i dont really see! negative talk that comes with not getting diagnosed (oh brother this guy stinks!!). I'm gonna be short and sweet with this one because when I used to say this stuff to myself I lowkey believed it. A lot of stuff I repeated at my worst was "why can't I just do stuff like everyone else, what is wrong with me, why can't I just focus, Everyone can do this why can't I, etc" and what PISSES ME OFF!! is that SOOOO much of this is repeated/ planted by outside sources!! but i digress...

Hyperfixations! either amazing or atrocious!! Mine have never been terribleeee but they def get extreme! (for those that don't know a hyperfixation is a interest that DOMINATES UR LIFE for a few weeks, to a few months. Happens in autism too i think? and special interests are specifically autism and last yearsssss)

Fixations can be really fun and a lot of people i know say that it makes them feel like themselves, and gives them a purpose! but there is also a really not-fun side to them, some wild stuff ive experienced while hyperfixated: -can't go to the restroom/do anything embarrassing because of a feeling of the characters watching/judging you. -Stomach hurts if you see something from the hyperfix, or some sort of painful physical reaction. -Only work you are able to do is related to/correlates to hyperfix (I finished a project where I got to draw gravity falls the day I was assigned it, and I also got given a project from the same class 3 weeks ago and haven't started) -getting physically angry at slander/hate even tho it isnt that serious fr -internal monologue changes to a characters voice/a certain accent. You UNWILLINGLY imitate a characters little mannerisms without trying. -this one is funny but during my anime phase i watched so much subbed that I heard a commercial playing and thought they were speaking utter gibberish for 3 minutes then realized it was english and i had just gotten so used to Japanese w/ subtitles

Some stuff i heard other people go through (tw for sh on the last one) -Neglecting hygiene

-loss of friends because they can only talk about it -Failing entire courses or becoming severely sleep deprived -hyperfixating on problematic people or topics (you can't really control what you hyperfixate on, that's actually why I haven't watched shit like hasbin hotel or even skibidi toilet as a joke) -even in very EXTREME AND RARE cases, cutting because of the media, carving characters names, etc. and to stress this again, hyperfixations can literally give people purpose in life!! they aren't always bad! but i really don't see people talk about the downsides, and coming out of one feels like losing a part of yourself, the reason to be motivated in the first place (and this is also why I do think its important that non-neurodivergent people don't use the word to describe their interests)

other random stuff i guess

coffee/caffeine makes me tired asf, adhd meds and caffeine are both stimulants! thats why a lot of undiagnosed people actually use it as a makeshift medicator without knowing

for me personally, getting diagnosed SAVED MY LIFE but ill talk abt that in a sec

I will want to respond to your text SO BAD but it feels scary to me, like another thing on the to-do list even tho you could be the loml it would still take me 2 hrs of distracting myself to respond

ive seen a few people say that having untreated adhd feels like/goes hand in hand with depression, and while i dont think this is factually true, thats what it feels like lol

Adhd also gives you rejection sensitivity (not the official term but who cares), basically getting criticized or ridiculed feels like a straight insult at your character. felt definitely more as a little kid but can confirm BIG TIME!

another note to the sensitivity: it is very valid and real, before being medicated id cry once a month at school over small shit. I mean i still do occasionally, but i think EVERYONE i knew as a kid has seen me cry at LEAST like 7 times. also like every time i see someone describe the adhd experience well i start BAWLING. plus as a kid my youtube recommended was FULL of "how to stop being so sensitive, how to stop crying when told ur wrong, stop crying at school so often" videos

I never realized how much I cut people off when talking till someone pointed it out and I looked it up, yup its adhd

I was wondering why it got quiet a second ago but i actually never had any music playing, I just kept repeating the same song in the background of my head whilst typing this (peewee's playhouse intro btw) dunno if its an adhd thing but i see a lot of people talk abt hearing multiple dialogues at once.

meds can also be annoying asf but that can go for every mental illness. When i started mine i slept through the bell in 2 of my classes lol. (Plus i definitely need to up my dosage because it just isn't working as well as it used to.)

**btw dont be reading this with adhd by the way and think your like, doomed. Genuinely THE MOST bubbly, kind, and just downright creative people I know have adhd. i know it feels like a curse a lot of the time but please push through**

ALRIGHT!! now on to some stuff ive been told by people!!

this first heartbreaking quote was from my best friend. We were talking about our least favorite teacher (who had adhd, but my fav teacher also had it lol) and she goes "yeah i think all people with adhd are just annoying" the funny thing was that this was ALSO the day I had to tell her I was going to get checked for it so thats fun! pair that with good ol rejection sensitivity and we have a phrase that repeats in my mind once a day lmao. (dw shes been informed a lot more now and i dont think she remembers it but i corrected her on it)

second one! much more recent, my father was getting checked for autism (alr has adhd diagnosis). To prove to my step mom that him getting officially diagnosed wasn't a huge deal, he asks me "getting diagnosed really didn't help you haha right?" i just responded "lmao no it changed everything" because i don't think an appropriate response at the time would be "it literally prevented me from kms :))"

INFAMOUS ONE from my teacher! He was filling out my adhd referral form but he literally didn't pay enough attention to me in class so he just had me come up there and fill it out with him instead. The questions were "on a scale of 1-5....." and he would SAY THE QUESTION AT NORMAL VOLUME IN THE SILENT CLASSROOM "Does this student struggle with depression!! Does this student have violent tendencies!!" (not to mention a lot the questions were all geared to 10 yr old boys) then i would give him my full and honest answer, and he would say "well everyone has that!" and put THE NUMBER BELOW THE ONE I GAVE HIM. i swear bro he either needs to understand the questions arent for him, or go get diagnosed lmao.

*BUT ANYWAYS* thank you for reading this thing holy moly. I probably forgot so much and its 1am oops! hopefully this made someone feel seen or made someone semi-understand the struggle. Its just a lot of the time I see it downplayed as "ooh squirrel!!" while it has legit destroyed my life at points, and isn't any less serious as other well talked about conditions (obvs not as bad as other stuff but yk what i mean)

alright thanks again, bye!!!

I need someone to invent a machine to give anyone adhd for a month because if I hear “no I get it! I get distracted sometimes too!” one more time I might go batshit insane.

[jam-campasta]

hm.

[jonoosa]

hiii I'm sorry ive been dead, I haven't been able to install the Tumblr app on my phone again and for some reason the desktop version is super slow for me so I don't really like using it (even tho the mobile ver. is shit too) anyway I said that I was going to post art this week but i've been busy tutoring and next week i'll get my permit (? yknow, to drive lmao) so I’ve been going out to drive, and overall I haven't been really motivated to do anything, i've been feeling like this for quite a while now and i have no idea what to do about it

[avengersapology-vid]

Avengers: College Edition

Steve: Criminal Justice and Studio Art double major. He doesn't want to torture himself with anything difficult and still wants to study what he loves. He is still an over achiever though. Highkey hates frat parties, saw someone twerking upside down and almost cried but stayed because hes the designated driver (responsible KING). prefers small get togethers with his friends. Roommates with sam and bucky!! Joins Criminal Justice club, jokingly rivals with Engineering (Tonys Club) Everyone on campus loves him including the professors, wins Homecoming king and is very happy. Sam jokingly asks to be his queen, Bucky butts in and says "NO, im his queen". Can be found in the library or art studio, usually with ink or pencil markings on his hands.

Tony: Obvi an engineering KING has physics as a minor. procrastinates to the max "No Bruce I have everything under control" *crams for 46 hours straight on a constant IV drip of Redbull and coffee* Super smart and helps draw the blueprint for the new engineering building. Roomies with Bruce! Tony was in a frat for a bit his freshmen year but hated it and wanted real friends (Throws better parties anyway) met Bruce and all the other avengers during a 1301 intro class. Pulls women like no tomorrow. On the presidents list every semester and tutors math for free on the side. He is basically the Dad in STEM. Tries hitting on Natasha but she is just like :/ nah, when her and bruce start dating tony is surprised because bruce is his "quiet little cinnamon roll." Tony constantly teases bruce and is like "yall fuckin (;" Steve butts in "tONY PLZ I JUST WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE" Bruce is thankful for steves intervention. You know how he rivals Steves Criminal Justice club? He butts heads with Business Clubs leader (Pepper) until everyone catches them together at a party. Has a caffeine addiction. Works out with Thor and Bucky one day in the rec and almost dies.

Bruce: Physics and Engineering double major (Hardworking KING) In math club with Vision and Wanda. He loves being roomies with Tony because it helps him out of his shell. Likes to draw with Steve sometimes and enjoys the quiet. Doesn't procrastinate and gets things done in a timely manor. 4.0 icon we all strive to be. Him and Nat already know each other, but bond and get a lot closer while studying in the library and they eventually start dating. He takes her coffee when she works across campus and is always almost late to class because of that (He doesn't care though bc thats his BABY) "Um.. Bruce your class is in 5 minutes" "Okay and?.....Wait I have an ex-" *Sprints to his building* Takes boxing at night with Thor, Bucky, Sam and Steve!!! Loves sparring with Thor and can surprisingly take the big buy on pretty well. Gets his butt kicked by Natasha in a MMA class though.

Natasha: Majors in Criminal Justice and Minors in Psychology. Ballet club AND MOCK TRIAL!! Has a Job at the Criminal Justice Deans office and takes MMA classes on the side. She is on Mock Trial with Loki and they actually get along quiet well once they stop butting heads about the case. Introduces Sam and Wanda to dance and they have so much fun. Coffee dates with Bruce!! Her and Steve become RAs in the following years and are the coolest RAs you know. Prefers night classes, Bruce walks her to all of them. Psychology classes are her favorite and really wants to help children one day. Volunteers at a daycare during breaks. Sis can really out drink Tony and Thor. Puts Wanda under her wing and helps her with fafsa and what not. Her and Bucky get the Russian language credit by simply testing out. Has her sh!t together and while she has a lot on her plate she can take it. She is really the Mom of the group. Can be found dancing or with Bruce. Her and Clint are icons in psychology classes.

Clint: Deaf Studies with education minor! (we stan deaf clint in the comics) In the Archery club and wins nationals for the Uni. Loves to draw with Steve. Helps Bruce ask Natasha out! PRANK ICON! loves to do prank wars with tony, bucky, loki and sam. Was in the same frat with Tony but hated it as well. While he seems to have a more reserved demeanor he is still the life of the party. (Like he knows people at the clubs ya know?) Can get in anywhere and helps everyone rent out a club for the night in celebration of midterms being over. Loves reading in the library and loves morning classes and being productive early in the day. Cracks Tonys netflix and hulu passwords (no tony... tonyr0cks69 is not good enough) Wants to teach at a school for the Deaf. Bruce sets him up with a girl from engineering and that is his future wife.

Thor: Physical Education major and Communications minor! Here on a football scholarship and is in a frat (not the asshole one tony was in) and is a partying ICON. Tries to get Loki to party but Loki just wants to drink wine with the cat he snuck into his dorm. Learns Sign from Clint to prepare for his career in education. Loves working out with Bucky, Sam and Steve. Takes up boxing during football off season and spars with Bruce. Despite being everyones fav himbo he gets really good grades and is a very good writer. Loki dorms across the hall from him. Thor actually rooms with Peter. Peter is the freshman baby and Thor takes peter under his wing and introduces him to everyone and helps him with college stuff in general. Also hooks him up with MJ and brings him to the occasional boxing session. Has a loud booming laughter you can hear in all floors of the library when he sees a funny meme. One time he actually makes a very good point and notices a flaw in one of Tony and Bruces projects leaves everyone stunned. Picks on Loki in big brother fashion. Unironically calls weed the devils lettuce.

Loki: Pre-Law and Criminal Justice. LOVES to argue. (Devils advocate ass) In Mock Trial and Criminal Justice Club. Tony jokingly calls him steves sexy secretary in CJ club. Loves Mock Trial and is the president with Nat as his right hand woman. Sneaks a cat he found at the shelter into his dorm and names it muffin. Stays in the Library writing or going over cases. The one time he was taking Natasha a copy of the Mock Trial case packet and caught her and bruce smooching. (He screeched) "Haha funny joke yall heres the case packet BYE." He automatically texts the group chat "i think nAT AND BRUCE HAVE SOME TEA FOR US HMM". Lets Peter and Bruce come over to his dorm because he knows their roommates can get a little too much sometimes. Loki also becomes an avid twitter user and thats how he gains popularity on campus. (He called the uni out for their awful and expensive parking) Was able to convince the Dean with tony and steve to create a new parking lot. Caffeine addict!!! Him and Tony always bump into each other at the coffee shop. Brings baked goods to meet ups with the gang. Loves to play pranks (especially on Tony) Him and Bucky come up with a genius prank on him and even get pepper involved. Best dressed on campus and is in the fashion club. He is the embodiment of dark academia.

Sam: Criminal Justice Major with Aerospace Engineering minor. Gets introduced to Bucky and Steve during move in and they literally become brothers. Is both in Criminal Justice Club and Engineering Club. In the Historically Black Frat on campus and takes huge pride in that. Parties with tony and thor BIG TIME. Procrastinates by throwing paper airplanes at Bucky until Bucky is like "Um...dude your paper is due in like two hours." At that moment Sam got into work faster than he ever had. Loves gossip sessions with Loki and Wanda. Works out a lot with Bucky, Steve and Thor to get rid of stress. When he and Bucky finish a final they go to loki's dorm and ask "Hey can we see your cat." Helps prep food for friends-giving and decorates the dorm for holidays. HATES 8ams so so so much. Steve promises him pancakes if he gets up and goes. Binge watches shows during weekends and screams when Destiel is finally canon. Loves running and gets a Track Scholarship when Thor gets him to join a sport. Gets Peter to join track.

Bucky: criminal justice major and psychology minor. Buck is also in ballet club with Nat, it really helps him relax and gives him a free space to think (also he runs that shit like no ones business) Criminal justice club as well and LOVES to work out and box. One time Sam accompanies him to ballet and Bucky pushes Sam into a split... the scream was heard for miles. "Sam ballet is good for athletes it helps w-" "Yeah but its not good for my balls" Doesn't willingly procrastinate but once in awhile he will forget an assignment, you best believe his eyes will snap open from his nap and get to work asap. For one of his psyche labs he had to question Steve as if he were Steve's therapist to which Steve responds "Hey bro you dont have to hit a nerve that deep" He also likes to do dance with peter since it helps him get away from Thor for a bit. Not a big partier but once the weight of finals are off his chest you best believe he will go all out. Picks on Nat and says hes gonna steal her man, to which tony interjects and says "Not if I do first" Bucky also has a very comfy dorm, comfy lighting and tons of pillows, the man loves his sleep... and so does everyone else. Sometimes he finds peter, sam, THOR, tONY EVERYONE just napping in his bed before their study time. Overall, bucky is a smart boy and his time in college is kind to him.

Wanda: English Major and Education Minor. After being an orphan Wanda knows what it feels like to not have a parental figure there and she wants to change that for other kids by becoming an english teacher. She volunteers at an orphanage, specifically the one her and pietro were in for a brief moment when they came to the states. She loves to draw as well and takes plenty of art classes with steve. She paints a portrait of the entire gang and gives it to tony as a graduation present (he cried). She loves to do volunteer work for children and also spend a lot of time in the library, She helped Nat calm down before Bruce asked her out. Her and Loki are in constant competition for best dressed. "Loki ill let you win best dressed but you have to let me see your cat" "ugh fine... btw your shirt doesnt match your boots" "hEY" Her and Peter take alot of intro classes together and are constantly running around craft stores trying to get the right stuff for projects. Visits Vision at his Job on Campus and he visits her where she volunteers and eventually they start dating. She is constantly getting visited by pietro at 4am asking "Um do you have milk" "Pietro its 4am what do you ne-" "my OREOS"

Pietro: Track star business major, frat ICON with Thor. poor boy is STRESSED he hates college and is here on a track scholarship, constantly late and running around getting shit done. Queen of late assignments but still gets them graded because he is in Track. Yeah he has alot on his plate but he still parties with thor for hours. When he is drowning in assignments Clint is always there to help him, Bruce also helps him with biology and the more science-y classes. Likes to mess around and race sam at track practice. Not into coffee but will run on all the monster energy drinks you could possibly buy. Seriously is tired of 8 a.m courses, he just wants to nap after practice. Walks into the study room that everyone was in and actually looks more sleep deprived than tony. He gets a lot of tips from steve on how to have an easier time in college and it really helps him.

Vision: Grad student working on a civil engineering masters and a TA. Meets Wanda in the library and she asks him where the biographies are. He mistakenly says they are on the 2nd floor "Uh theyre actually on the third" "Then why did you ask?" "Cause I wanted to talk to you :)" He swooned. Through Wanda he met Tony and Bruce and became their best friend, He helped out a lot with engineering club and got them far. He spends a lot of time doing research for his masters degree, he loves relaxing with the group on weekends and picks on pietro as if he is already apart of the family. Him and Loki bond over intellectual conversations from time to time. Bruce and Nat go on double dates with him and Wanda. Went to a bar once with tony and bruce and had to stop tony from singing Queens entire discography, he had the best night that night. Helps everyone with getting into jobs and into grad school in general while everyone helps him let loose and have some fun.

Peter: Peter is a Physics major and eventually works his way up to biochemistry. (hardworking icon) He is the freshman baby of the group and is introduced to them through Thor. He dances with Buck and Nat sometimes as well. Tony obviously takes peter under his wing and helps him with assignments. One time everyone was in the same study room and him and pietro have a redbull shot gunning challenge. When Peter wins Thor picks him up and almost yeets the poor boy into the ceiling. "VERY WELL DONE YOUNG PARKER YOU SHOULD BE DOING THAT WITH BEER IN NO TIME." "Thor plz" Tony and Thor help him ask MJ out and even spy on them during a dinner date. (Imagine thor with sunglasses and a scarf around his head pretending to be tonys date) He feels so accepted in college because of the gang and gets all his work done on time. Goes out of his way to get everyone christmas presents and is so excited for friendsgiving. Becomes a little stressball during finals and midterms and stays in the library till it closes. He spots loki alot in there and helps loki with science classes while loki helps him with political science classes. He meets MJ through wanda and is obviously blushing the whole time while being introduced. Gets embarrassed when the guys flirt with aunt may. "guys plz stop" This is when Sam earns his "milf hunter" nickname. "Pete hows your aunt?" "She doesnt want you sam i-" its not like that... actually it is like that"

Coulson: Alumni Icon. Is the gangs Intro professor and is the reason why everyone meets eachother. (the class was chaotic indeed) Coulson loved that class so much and he still gets visited by everyone from time to time. He is obviously close with Nick. They were there that night when Tony was signing Queen at the bar and couldnt help but laugh.

Nick Fury: Dean for criminal justice and is heavily involved with criminal justice club and mock trial. He is tired of everyones shit as always. Makes a tiktok account for the criminal justice club and has no idea how to manage social media so gets Loki to help. Has to delete it when Loki commented "hah losers" on the engineering tiktoks page. He looks intimidating but in his office he has a picture with the club and has all the gifts he gets on display. (He even framed lokis comment because it was hilarious afterall)

[njeancastro316]

The Night we met

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ooops I did it again another little snippet. Not much sense but I wanted to give it a try .

Warnings: Nothing much swearing , fluffy and funny.

Bold italics mean my female reader’s thoughts .

Today I was inspired , felt the vibe , procrastinated a little bit but got it done, Im a libra ♎️ go figure🤪. Reblog, like , comment. 🤗😘

Remember english is not my first language yada yada yada.

Elijah was playing the piano alongside the jazz band . He smiled , he really truly was happy when he was playing music. After the song was finished he went to the bar for a drink and in came a gorgeous woman dressed in green medical scrubs. She made a beeline to the bar and signaled the bar keep for a drink. She was petite , athletic ,equipped with the biggest pair of dark brown eyes and a smile that could brighten the darkest room.

“What will it be my dear” ? the bartender asked “Bourbon and make it a double please and thank you”. She spoke sweetly smilling at the bartender.

Elijah couldn’t resist talking to her . “Rough day I presume”? Y/N turned her head towards the very pleasant voice . Her ears felt hot and she thanked God that she decided to straighten her hair today before her was a man that she could’ve swore was made by the gods. ‘Lord Jesus help me’ she thought before speaking. “You have no idea”she downed her drink with one gulp hissing as the warm liquid burned her throat. “Oh dear , that bad huh”? He smirked .

She sighed as she spoke “Haven’t you ever thought about giving up on something? , Something that you wanted badly”?

“Once or twice I must admit”. He bit his lip as if deep in thought. “Thinking about quitting your job”? He questioned quickly dismissing the sadness that suddenly took hold of him.

‘Damn... he bit his lip and did his tongue just swirled around it?, Stop,Christ Y/N stop looking at him like that and answer’. “What makes you think that”? She clear her throat. She signaled the bartender for another drink.

“Well... one must conclude that by the way you are going through those” he gestured to her second bourbon “and they way you are dressed it must be job related am I correct?”

‘Well I’ll be damned am I projecting my misery that bad .FML’

She ran her finger through the rim of her now empty glass “You are right , I have thought about quitting, its just” .. she paused, “ I love my job , I would gladly do it again if I had the chance to choose but sometimes it’s very frustrating”.

“Then why haven’t you?, if I may ask”.Enticing a look from her big doe eyes.

“Because I love to help people and even though the system is broken , to me the very definition of broken suggests that something can be fixed , don’t you agree”?She spoke softly.

His eyes widen in surprise he nodded .

“Its my incurable disease” she face palmed herself. “People tell me I should just work ,do what I can and go home. You know be selfish and think only about me and I just can’t , its not in my system . Im the shoulder that everyone leans on but where’s my shoulder. I often have asked myself if there is something wrong with me” she lowered her eyes to the empty glass and ordered another.

Elijah was baffled to say the least this woman not only was beautiful but kind hearted and his mirror image in every way.

Her frustration and sadness was tangible and he suddenly felt the need to comfort her.

“There is nothing wrong with you , you are just doing what it is in your nature to do . You are a healer and I think that you are an exquisite rare find” he said making her gasp.

‘Thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me’

“Thank you” she whispered while tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. Totally forgetting that they were beet red.

“Here you go dear”the bartender gave Y/N her drink and she down it quickly hissing again.

Elijah smiled again she was simply adorable blushing left and right “I think that’s enough for the night” he signaled the bartender to not serve her anymore making the old man smile.

“Yeah me too” she conceded , “Sir ... How much do I own you ”? 

“Nothing dear , its been taken care off” he winked at her.

“Did you do this” ? she asked Elijah.

“Maybe” he gave her another smile.

Could this man be more gorgeous ,how was this possible he seemed nice and into her but , that couldn’t be it now could it? He was well...he was freaking delicious and she was nowhere near his league. She grew impossibly nervous.

Elijah felt her sudden distress, “Are you alright” ? concern showing on his chiseled face. 

“Yes I can’t be here with you err I mean ,I need to go home” . Y/N went to get out of the stool when the drinks kicked in and she felt dizzy. She tripped on her own feet brazing herself for the embarrasment of the century but it never came . She was pulled impossibly close to his chest were she looked up at him . “Im sorry ... I’m a bit clumsy” he smelled so so good ‘was that cologne or did he smelled like that naturally’.

“May I escort you home?”He held onto her waist to steady her footing.

‘God yes , you may’

“Oh god no ... I mean its ok , I’m alright you dont have to” .She answered quickly cursing herself in her head .

‘Fuck I’m so retarded’

Elijah took her chin on his hand and lifted her face so he could look at her in the eye , “I insist, I want to make sure you make it home safely”his knuckles graced her cheek. She swooned.

‘ Yes .. baby take me home ... Oh god so much for alcohol encouragement’

“Thank you , really ,but its not necessary”. She suddenly felt like the room was small .

“It was a pleasure meeting you , thank you for the talk , for listening , for everything... uhhh yeah” blushed again .

‘You’re spiraling stupid , he’s way out of your league, walk away now and preserve your dignity�� She turned to walk away . When his voice stopped her again.

“Im Elijah by the way” he out stretched his hand for her to shake his. Once she did he took her hand and brushed his soft lips against her knuckles “Elijah Mikealson and the pleasure was all mine” he finished with a smirk.

“Holy fuck I’m never washing this hand again”

Completely speechless she nodded, turned and walked away from him towards her car the quickly .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn’t think of a title 🤦‍♀️help me, please. (Goes to hide while people read)

@elejahfanfic @eternityunicorn @hellotvshowtrash @elijahs-wife @ronniemikaelson @svnkissedskies @elijahmikaelsontvd-blog @idkhaylijah @kaiiiiiiparkerismyhusband @soul-revoir

[sanscestships]

Rating for Insomnia (error x dream) Also sorry if you stopped this or something lol

Insomnia (Reaction, ErrorxDream)

Requested by: Anon!

Created on: 9/10/21

GASP! requests! god i thought i would have to make an announcement-

how sad im typing this while doing homework ;-; but that's fine!

soooo we're reacting to error x dream! ooo, i honestly dont know why it's shipped but hey, this is a reaction, not an analysis. i can worry about how realistic it is later-

Note: ship art aint mine. i just did a quick google search-

... FUCK IT'S CUTE-

my multishipper heart O_O IM INTERNALLY SCREAMING-

i feel like Error is just a chill dude with special beliefs just trying to chill in his Anti-Void and watch his shows until dirty glitches show up and ruin his life so Dream is like "no! those aren't dirty glitches those are AUs with living beings!" and then we have old married couple arguments but they aren't too pissed and are just frustrated at this other person's ignorance and they learn more about it each other and-

at this point this shipart is making my brain try to justify this ship FUCK I'VE BEEN DOOMED! FALLING INTO A HOLE AND PROBABLY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CRAWL OUT LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME ANON! LOOOOOOOKKKKKKK!

... but more ship art-

funny how im being driven insane by the existence of gay skeletons. life is full of possibility eh?

kinda feel like Insomnia is similar to Errink, but less possibly toxic because Ink is just more likely to take advantage of the relationship because of the fact he's souless but Dream isn't nearly as literally heartless and would actually try to understand Error. no offense Errink shippers, but you have to admit that canonically Errink ain't gonna work. i've already made an analysis explaining why if you want to check that out, but just saying

but at the very least, this would be less toxic and "one trying to use the other"-ish.

and its CUTE

and i LIVE FOR THE FLUFF

and angst- BUT MOSTLY FLUFF

unfortunately, i have never read any Insomnia fanfic nor do i have the time. i'm busy rn and have a buttload of work to do. but if i ever find the free time, i will try to look for Insomnia fanfics to read. (and if you know some good ones, feel free to dm them to me ^w^)

Overall: 8/10. I'm not as pumped and excited about it as Brude, but it is definitely over a 7. Its just so cute and I can only imagine the fluff that can come out of this. A reminder that this is my personal opinion so what i rate this ship shouldn't have any relation to how you rate this. i just feel less about it than Brude, but definitely really like it. its a great ship and hope to be able to read about it soon! (as soon as i finish my homework and projects-)

Side Note: I am currently working on Kross and Crossmare oneshots. if you couldn't tell, Kross is KillerxCross and Crossmare is CrossxNightmare. im just posting this first because reactions are a lot easier to get done quickly than oneshots and i really need to finish my work. so just to let you guys know, IM NOT DEAD! just... procrastinating ;-; but thx so much anon for the request! and i'll do my best to post the Kross oneshot next :P so have a great day guys!

[fuckingrealityshifting]

1// hi there, before you get too far, I want to say that I am trying to say this with all the kindness in my heart, and that I do, truly care for yall, and this is why im typing this now. I stumbled across your blog via your 'shifting terms' post, and I explored the idea of shifting and the shiftblr community a bit. I read all of your sources (although I don’t really believe most of them are credible enough) ((it could just be the uni student in me tho)) and I can't help but worry for you and

2// the shifting community. As I understand, most of you are still quite young, and while I haven’t tried to shift (I have a deep paranoia of developing a psychotic disorder), I fear that this practice could affect the young minds in this community in an unprecedented way. I am /not/ saying that any of you are delusional, im not saying its fake, im not saying i dont believe you. But many of you have mentioned how shifting is a) not dangerous and b) similar to astral projecting.

3// This is where I begin to worry, in my understanding, astral projecting is VERY dangerous, so if what you are doing is similar i dont believe it is a good idea. Especially for young people. Adolescent brains are very prone to mental illness, and I fear by placing yourselves in this situation you could eventually damage your mind. I dont mean to preach or anything, i just know a lot of you are young and i think you should be aware of the dangers of what you are doing,

4// because it could affect you in the long run. But stay safe, watch over each other and i wish yall the best. (ps. im sorry this was long)

/////end of ask

Okay so I just wanted to first say it would be okay if you didn’t believe or thought I was mentally ill and stated such! An ask like this is useful because it can start an actual conversation; I have concerns besides just disbelief to go off. Astral projection, being young, etc. I thank you for that and for leaving asks.

I don’t want people to think it’s not okay to be open about not believing. I know with the whole rating stuff rather than responding to comments it might seem like that, but I’m just going to brush off what doesn’t have a purpose other than bringing people down because there’s no point in repeating myself.

If it’s clearly meant to be sarcastic or has a punchline or comment for the sake of being rude or feeling like you’re superior (“get a hobby”) then I’m just not gonna humor you. I’m not intending to shut down all concerns at all.

About the sources—yeah, I do agree, a lot of the sources aren’t very credible, I totally acknowledge that. I also acknowledge even if they were all done by very credible sources the findings wouldn’t be absolutely decisive.

That’s kind of the fault of a lack of experimentation in scientific/professional spaces regarding anything spiritual and just the nature of spirituality itself. At the end of the day it’s mainly the suggestion of the findings that are important to spiritual people looking for evidence. I’m not sure if I worded that all coherently lol

I’m gonna answer these two points in reverse

Shifting is b.) similar to astral projection

So when I say similar to astral projection, I mean mainly in the fact you are perceiving stuff outside of your body and projecting. It’s a similar concept, and a bit of a similar practice, but not entirely.

With shifting, you are projecting your consciousness, and with astral projection, you are projecting your astral self/soul.

(I haven’t researched as much into the specifics of astral projection as I have for shifting so feel free to correct me! My understanding of astral projection is that your soul/astral self projects from your body to wander the astral realm.)

I’m gonna copy and paste some stuff I said in a dm message to someone who had a similar concern.

When a person shifts, their soul remains in their body. Your consciousness/awareness of reality is what is in another universe. When a person asteral projects, their soul leaves their body and can travel different realms of the universe.

When a person astral projects, they can come across spirits, deities, and harmful entities. They can take damage to the soul. They can change their astral form. Astral projection is dangerous. It is highly recommended not to astral project without protection.

When a person shifts, they are in a normal reality and do not need protection. Protection doesn’t hurt, as it doesn’t hurt to have protection in this reality, but its not necessary. (Precautions should always be taken.)

If they die in their desired reality, their soul is fine so they just come back. There is no danger of death. Your consciousness or alternate self (“clone”) can also go about your day while you are shifted which I have never heard about for astral projection.

The differences between your spirit projecting outside of your body and your consciousness projecting into another reality is why shifting is generally regarded as safer and as needing less precaution.

shifting is a. not dangerous

Well, not inherently. But like most anything it can be used dangerously. Some of the precautions that should be taken are:

•educating yourself properly before shifting

•grounding yourself (an ungrounded shifter can have issues)

•making sure you are not depending on shifting for anything or using it as unhealthy escapism

•understanding spirituality concepts even if you’re not practicing

I have a Staying Safe While Shifting post that has been in my drafts forever because I want to finish my mental health series to link it in the post, but I’ve been procrastinating finishing the mental health series because of the ADHD and shifting topic, which I believe I have.

We do have a majority of young people on the community—middle to older teens, I think. Most adults interested in this sort of thing participate under Quantum Jumping, a term that’s been around longer, which seems more online forum based.

Overall, yes. Shifting when exposed to the wrong people can absolutely harm mental health. I think we’re seeing it on TikTok. I just don’t have the power to make sure only people who can mentally take it see it. I just have to do my best to educate people on how reality shifting works so delusions or misunderstandings are hopefully easier to spot.

I absolutely thank you for the thoughtful message and if I brought up more concerns let me know.

[lulubs071]

diary of a confused teenager

Tuesday, October 13th- 11:18

oKAY so here’s whats new. spring break started. CAN I GET AN AMEN? also the boy I like finally texted me back and we called like for 3 days in a row for an hour or so :))))) happy about that. 

some other news. a friend of mine invited me to spend the rest of sring break with her on the beach, thursday through sunday, but my mom said i can only go if I finish my homework/projects due after spring break. IN TWO DAYS. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. okay imma get this shit done because 4 days on the beach are way cooler than procrastinating at home.also some girls that I didn’t talk in a while invited me to go out friday which i said i would buuuuuuuuuuttt i meaaaaaaaaan oops. 

also side note, this is all wearing masks, we all been social distancing properly, tested for covid, washing hands, i havent left the house in 4 months, so spring break is when my parents are letting me go out.

another boy i’ve been talking to since the beggining of quarantine invited me to sneak out like ... in November since his parents won’t be home the whole week. I can go “sleepover” at my bestfriends and go to his house. BUT IDK. like, there’s many cons. 

1- it’s probably, most definetly a booty call

2- if my parents discover, IM GONNA BE KILLED

3- i like that other boy ......

but.... counterarguments

1- you’d enjoy the booty call anyways common

2- if my parents don’t discover, IT’S GONNA BE EPIC SNEAKIN OUT

3- YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT YOU’RE FEELING.

So yeah, but if the universe favors this event (since it’s like next month) I might go hehe.  This is crazy, imagine if it actually works out. bruh it`s so weird to think about because ... I don`t know my life seems to be shifting so much this last month????? i started to manifest things and raise my vibration and stuff has been falling into place???/ so unexpectedly????  i feel like the univere is giving me a second chance to this year. but i have to be willing to make a sacrifice.

i might sound crazy but inside me I feel as if that if I put effort into school and have a good rel\tionship with my parents and take care of my mental health, things will just start falling into place the way I desire. which is amazing, but also hard since i really usually don’t give a fuck about school. but YA KNOW WHAT IMMA GET MY SHIT TOGETHER AND FINISH THIS ALL BEFORE SO I GET TO GO TO THE BEACH, GET MY CUTE MANS.

also my ex texted me today???? mmmmmmm  ._. tf is this bout now.  i think we just grew comfortabe talking to each other because there’s no fucking way he still genuinly cares/likes talking to me. every talk is kinda dry and the same?????? like common. oh well.  

i went out for a walk saturday and burnt myself with my gym top, it’s like  red all over lmaooooooo. i really want to start a podcast????? like my brother has his videogame headset THAT HAS A GOODASS MIC??? I COULD GENUINLY RECORD AN HOUR LONG EPISODE TALKING??? cuz i manage to talk bout anything for as long as fucking possible, i’d just need a day home alone to be able to talk for that long with his headset lmaooooo. i don’t really know how to upload it to anywhere, but soundcloud is chill, i’d just have to rip a rock out my ass to learn how to put it on spotify. BUT IT’S OKAY, i wanna try it anyways.

my mom said she’d beat my ass if I reactivated my twitter again because im not alloweeeeddddd but likeeeeeeeeeeee commON i don’t wanna loose the account, which will happen in 3 days if i dont reactivate. ya know im thinking about just reactivating and deactivating each month so i don’t loose it LMAOO.cuz like, all my friends are there and i love talking shit. like, its just not the same on tumblr or my spam instagram.i mean im sure that if i tried it would be cool but twitter was my shit bruh.

 i hate that the more i write the dumber I fucking sound since these are paragraph long run on sentences and i deeply apoligize, my english teacher would die inside if she read this but honestly it’s just a brain dump. I swear that in real life I dont’t constantly talk about men and failing school and being irresponsible. but also i don’t think anyone really reads this. if you’re still reading write “flying cucumber”. 

POLICE MEN SWEAR TO GOD LOVE SWEEPING FROM THE GUNSSSSSSSS I KNOW MY FRIENDS AND IIIIIII TUTUTUTU TO RUN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. 

yeah thats it for today my fellow people, imma go finish some homework after watching 15 Corpse husband gameplays ON GOD THAT MANS VOICE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MARRY ME PLEASE, I’D PAY.

 byebyeeeeee

[kashimos-hajime]

hey quick question uhhhhHHH how do i get work done quickly hours before it’s due and the panic still hasn’t set in (preferably any ways without cocaine or tears) asking for a friend haha😀(kill me i’m begging you)

haha you are asking the girl who wrote her critical analysis essay and did her soundscape project an hour before they were due so i love procrastinating LMAOO keep in mind that this is just what works for me and good luck on your work! this is mostly school-based but i think its shiftable if its some other work you have due.

if you have it, pull up every single criteria sheet. marking rubrics, assignment details, everything. you want to read it over and continuously reference it as you go along because you kinda wanna get all the details in on the first try and then go back, double check the rubrics and shit, and then make sure you have 100% everything. what youre tryna do is just to get it done on your first try and hand it in after a quick review, so it helps to know in advance what you need. obviously dont like waste time on the tiny details - the most important thing is that you get EVERYTHING done. the project as a whole, make sure its completed so you can hand something in. if you have time afterwards, that is when you doublecheck the rubric for the small stuff like did i cite my sources, did i use enough pictures, etc.

if its something like an essay or something, just make sure you take notes and shit. honestly, that helps so much in organizing my thoughts. i did not do that and i struggled trying to organize my thoughts under a word count. its easier to be concise, accurate, yet more detailed than just a bunch of points all gathered together haphazardly. with taking notes, you can also put down some quotations you might have and also think about what you’ll write about. honestly, sometimes i read the rubric before reading the article or smth because then i already know what im looking for. normally i read something once to understand, and then another time to gather points, quotes, and think up topics.

you have more time than you think you do! if you work continuously, and take regular glances at the clock, you actually feel like (imo) that you’re working pretty quickly. if you think you cant finish your work, reassess. prioritize what you think is most important and what you can do quickly. refer to whatever you have for what would be the most marks and do that first, and if you can quickly cite your work or slap some pictures, do that because its quick and easy.

stay hydrated and fed. if you can, snack while you work if it doesnt distract you. if you have more than an hour unlike i did lknsdklnsdf try taking a quick circle and walk around your room just to take a small break. we work better after little breaks bc our brains get tired. take a bathroom break when you need to pee. no good holding it in. this is also a good time to check on your phone, distract yourself for a moment so you arent getting a headache over thinking about your work.

also! if you dont know what the fuck youre doing like i did with the critical analysis!! google is your friend! i just googled “critical analysis examples” and opened up a bunch of sites to reference when writing and it gave me questions to answer so that helps :)

if its something your peer or friend can review, send it to them! if you have the time of course. its always good for fresh eyes on something you grinded on because you see the same thing and often are blind to mistakes.

again, good luck with your work! i believe in you and its okay to have a mental breakdown if you need to! relieve the stress and just keep working if you can. after you’re done, just shower and rest ❤️ it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get it done even if it feels shitty. you got this!

[probablywolves]

watch out im venting

(( alright guys, I’m just going to vent for just a second. i’m finishing up my degree right now. I’m a double major in biology and classical civilization. I am currently three semesters deep in a research project in cognitive neuroscience, where I’m studying social and exercise stress and its effect on short term and spatial memory. That research alone takes up almost all of my time.

This past week, I was in the lab for almost thirty-five hours. I love my lab work, but its exhausting being there for 6+ hours at a time while having two other senior level biology classes and writing a thesis for my classical civ degree. This, along with working two different part time jobs. I’m exhausted all the time, and my seasonal affective disorder is a BITCH, and that past week, all I’ve done is sleep and be fucking miserable.

I’m writing this right now instead of working on my review of scholarship for my thesis, which is due at 4pm tomorrow. Ive had a week and a half to do it, and I’m really beating myself up about it because I’ve procrastinated so much. But I’ve been so busy, and whenever I have time to myself, I feel like its reasonable to not want to only do work. I feel like for the sake of my already deteriorating mental health, I need time to watch stupid shit on youtube or draw or even just meditate. Like I need time for myself so I don’t want to fucking die all the time.

I dont want to suffer, and I hate the idea of only being successful if you’re actively suffering. But I’m going to have to suck it up and suffer tonight because I’m fucking miserable and I have to write this review of scholarship because its ten percent of my thesis’s final grade. ))

[weirdlizard26]

51, and 52?

51. If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?

probably like. charity and a new apartment that isnt falling apart and getting flooded with all kinds of fluids from the upper floors every now and then

52. What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?

5 - really wanted to be a dentist and also a mermaid

10 - had this “project” planned with my friend to start an organisation that would be like. u come into the office feeling shitty and the employees listen to ur problem and decide on the best way to make u feel happy and then. do it

15 - i was gonna say “to not die” but that was 16yo me actually. tbh i dont remember?? i just got on tumblr and my english was still lowkey shitty. my biggest aspiration was to spend as much time (texting, because we couldnt meet) with my crush as possible

18 - hey thats me now! im not sure tho. probably to stop procrastinating, to finish instrumental project i wanted to work on during last sem and also write a bunch more hq fanfics

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired