#im just kinda stuck in a spiral thinking abt the same things

[autobahnmp3]

im serious.. losing my last job bc i have partial work capacity and bc they are dicks abt that made me feel kinda worthless lmao

[minnieposting]

talking about ocd, hyperfixations, and loving vocaloid

minnie journal entry style post again, except this ones SUPER long lol.

a few nights ago i had a Moment of Weakness . it mightve been a withdrawal thing but i was not at my best lol, i just became really upset out of nowhere?? i was listening to some teto synthv stuff and kinda just Reminiscing on my vocaloid days ... i find myself doing that pretty frequently lately but since im not rlly hyperfixating on anything rn, vocaloid pretty much becomes my default. but im getting ahead of myself.

i get weird about my hyperfixations. when one starts slipping away it used to be so genuinely painful like i felt it so physically i would get so depressed whenever i felt hyperfixations start to slowly fade. i was always like that, but it was different with vocaloid.

 i will never be able to really describe HOW much vocaloid means to me but its litreally part of my soul. its ME. like i was sitting here trying to do exactly what i said i couldnt and guess what, i couldnt really describe it. i was really REALLY hyperfixated on it for 8 whole years straight, elementary school up to when i was around 15?  thats when my ungodly uncharted 4 hyperfixation came eating my ass .... and i remember the only reason it stopped was bc i felt too guilty abt leaving vocaloid behind I KNOW U CANT CONTROL HYPERFIXATIONS BUT MINE LITREALLY JUST STOPPED. after a specififc day of intense guilt lmfao

but yeah. guilt. whenever i leave behind a hyperfixation, i just feel SO guilty, and i dont really know why. i always feel this need to “prove” to myself that i still love a character, they still make me as happy as they used to, and i feel weird and bad if im not getting into smth as obsessively or if im not “consuming it the correct way”. i feel like im not rlly explaining this thing well but ocd is just a nighhttttmare , it bleeds into everything and lately its been bleeding into my interests and my creativity x1000. and im just really sad about that because i feel like i wont ever be that same person again, bc im just too hyperaware BC of my ocd and i just find myself ruminating a lot. though this usually starts to become Active in my head when my hyperfixation is actually starting to go away ... lol. when im balls deep into smth i will be way too obsessed to be in my head like that!

but. all this just being context lol... i was listening to teto synthv stuff and just. i dont even remember what caused me to start getting so upset but i just started reminiscing and getting in my own head about all this. how i dont like vocaloid as much anymore and wondering if ill ever be as happy as i was back then. i hate being an adult bc being an adult means being more Aware and being aware means ocd bothering me and just. idk. I was thinking about everything. Typical rumination spiral. just started getting really sad and upset bc i was just stuck in my thoughts and thinking about how younger me would be disappointed in my current self

it didnt last very long at least, and i ended up listening to re:ng and pinnochiop. but the songs that i clicked actually ,,,,,, helped me so much. one of the songs i clicked was rainy snowdrop by re:ng, and i found myself resonating so deeply with the lyrics. like im actually a bit emotional rn typing bc i went to go look at the lyrics again and im listening to the song rn. it really picked me up and made me feel ok again. then because youre here by pinnochiop played. and just. FUCK BOTH OF THESE SONGS ARE JUST EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR IN THAT MOMENT. it reminded me that itll be okay. simple as that.

and. im only writing abt what happened a few nights ago because while i was playing future tone earlier, it just hit me. ive always been saying that vocaloid makes me feel like myself. but then i started thinking about what exactly that means. and im actually thinking about it now while i write. its like home to me. vocaloid is where ill always go to, where ill always be. i grew up with it. its never not been with me. and no matter where i end up, itll follow me and itll be okay. ocd likes to make me ruminate about the past present and future but one thing that i know for sure is that vocaloid will always be there for me. i see it in a way where its me and my kid self. and i value my inner child so much. which is a bit ironic to me, bc of the way i treat myself...

idk. vocaloid is just really grounding in general. whenever i spiral or need to be pulled back down to earth, its there, and itll always help. its just nice to have this forever thing that i love so much

[yuukei-yikes]

A lot of people seem to not like the manga as a starting point but its what hooked me. I saw will stetsons lost time memory and I was like "what???" "thats it???" and found the rest with my brother at like 2am. the mangas slow fun pace that is instantly cut off by horror is fun, the flashbacks are great characterization.... the only part i didn't like was the dissonance between Harutaka in mangaroute1 and mangaroute2.

it was a bit confusing. anyway do you prefer the anime or manga's version of takane as she seems to be your favorite character. (for me its gotta be the manga, the anime just did not do it)

the manga is what hooked me too! back in january 2014, there was tiny vinnie binging all the songs and what was available of the manga at the time in just one day...

i think the reason ppl dont recommend the manga as a starting point is the second manga route. personally, i recommend the manga as a starting point but only until volume 4 after the route we start with is over. and then i'd come back to second manga route when im done with everything else!! my kagepro recommendation is 1. songs 2. manga until everyone dies lol 3. novels 4. finish the manga 5. anime.

the thing with the manga is that it doesnt rly go into what the normal route is for very long. we keep saying second manga route but its like, idk MOST of the manga is that route.

i do like the manga for the same reasons as u, but sometimes im a little eh bc of mahiro sato's obvious knkd shipping and stuff lol. and i did write a whole bigass answer abt why i hate what happens to takane's character in haruka's arc in the second route. otherwise i dont mind the difference all that much. and i love her as ene in the rest of it. its just a few things that drive me crazy ok ill just link the post lol sorry i just have. um. strong feelings.

OK UR ACTUAL QUESTION hmmmmm well yea i'd say the manga or novels. i get what u say abt the anime but truly the anime did not do it for any of them LOLL there was barely any time for anything let alone good characterisation. like come on there's 11 main characters and 12 twenty four minute long episodes. wdym u dont like anime takane she was there for like (checks) 40 or 50 min in total?

takane is incredibly sidelined in the anime much like everyone else cuz. lol. AGAIN. kagepro is not somehting u can fit in a 12 ep long anime. yuukei yesterday in the manga and novels goes a lot more in depth about takanes personality and relationship to haruka. not to mention they put kano's little Disguising Myself As Someone Dear To You That You Have Regrets About on her instead of shintaro which was crazy. to me that did so much damage to kano's character. i wouldnt call myself a kano expert bc he's an insanely complicated character to tackle LMAO but... i dont know. i just dont think he would do that to ene. shintaro is one thing, we all know kano's little thing abt shintaro, but ene?? its like, he does that to her BECAUSE of the thing with shintaro. kano's pissed and frustrated at everyone moving on while he's stuck behind and ESPECIALLY at shintaro and takes it out on ene for being the main reason why shintaro is moving on. its a little unfair. i dont think kano would be THAT disconnected to do that. not to mention when he pulls that trick on shintaro he isnt half as harsh as he is on ene!! he just kinda spooks him (tho ofc thats enough to send shintaro spiraling LOL) while to ene he's like YOURE THE WORST FUCK YOU and then the way ene kinda laughs it off after also pisses me off LOL yeah kano could do this im not saying its COMPLETELY ooc but he would be in an incredibly despaired rock bottom moment and he'd be super apologetic about it later. post str kano and takane friendship *holds head*

and if you read the novels and kano's feelings and thoughts over takane it makes me sad that's what they chose to do in the anime bc in the novels kano regards takane as someone he's jealous of bc of how confident she is and "her ability to doubt people" and how he thinks they're similar ppl. like we rly dont give enough credit that TAKANE is the first person kano ever opens up to in his life. he even says the conversation they have might as well be the first conversation he's ever had with anyone, and they both head out to the hideout being the ones who have to admit something to the people dear to them (kano the whole clearing eyes thing to kido, takane the ene thing to shintaro) and its not for no reason!!! kano sees something in takane. he knows theyre similar, but at the same time he is jealous. that together sounds a little like he wishes he could be more like her. OUGH. and how they just chose to translate that whole thing into kano being awful to ene and berating her for trying to save shintaro is soooo fucked up. it bothers me so much. #notmykano

WHY AM I TALKING ABT KANO THIS IS ABOUT TAKANE. OK i was driving my point abt how the anime isnt a good judging point to any of the characters LMAO and i guess i wouldnt be able to tell u which "version" of takane i like best, or anyone for that matter. to me all medias are the same version of the same character. im in too deep all of them. the takane that almost kills kenjirou for outing her as lightning dancer ene is the same takane who admits it by herself. idk. guess its a good question but i dont have a good answer. thats also why i hate second manga route takane bc she does shit i dont think she'd do and it pisses me off LOL

[nihiltism]

ok so I talked about my ideas for how my oc morty would be integrated in here in the tags but I'm waugh abt it so putting it here

I haven't talked about morty in a bit tldr they're a skeleton who lives in the woods and is everybody's grandpuncle and takes the role of an Eternal Observer kinda. to quote my synopsis for them "local undead waves off the horrors of an immortal un-life, eternal loss, unresolved traumas and a diminishing sense of humanity with 'i forgor'. we have no idea if they did actually forgor.". I really like them. i think them and hero are on a slightly more equal playing field due to being kinda similar in temperament and also like. morty is very much a character who is a shoulder to cry on and a lot of the ocs who come by them are not cognizant of this or the Existence Of Their Problems and they dont Want people to be cognizant of this. but heros a bit more cognizant and theyre not going to say anything of course but they Know. and its kinda nice. its like. comfy silence.

anyway my only other real Oc Related Plot Idea In Hero's Game That Doesn't Exist is that. okay I did mention that hero and drosera are in the same verse. I don't shut up about sera we know her. if you don't I would be VERY happy to tell you I have a thread on her. anyway my thing is that I think if sera was in this it'd actually be mid-redemption sera so. less ? concerning ? my idea is that youd find her in some battle colosseum setting as a miniboss and theres no real stakes apart from that. and i think theyd actually get along pretty well i think sera would offer to buy them lunch after getting trounced.

ok actually i have more in depth thoughts there because sera and hero are really similar characters actually but i cannot see them ever being more than acquaintances enough to share with each other Why theyre so similar so im stuck here yelling they dont know theyre just like each other for real. like. theyre both characters whos only real Point is violence at a time where theyre supposed to do literally anything except that. and god they need to be able to duke it out with Somebody so why not each other. as an aside i also like the thought of drosera being mentally healthy enough during this boss battle to willingly Take the role of The Villain^tm to give the audience a show. it makes my heart happy considering how much of her arc is either deludedly thinking she is the hero or in a total self destruction spiral because she is fully aware shes the villain and fully believes the only way to atone is to Make Herself Suffer. so seeing her okay enough to willingly Pick Up the role of villain for something silly and low stakes in the future is waugh. growth. anyway itd be a fun boss battle i think i even have a song on her playlist for what i think her theme would be its this

I dont think I've ever explained my oc hero here huh. I should explain my oc hero here.

[tmabutlesbian]

i need to study mike crew's character cause i wanna ship him n integrate him in more of my hc's. this is me, reacting to his wiki page.

love that the only thing they say abt mike at the start of his page is that he's an avatar of the vast. like yh no shit

oh damn we have his date of death, i always forget tma is like. very well dated?? like months n days n shit i always forget, i assume its all very. up to interpretation. some of it definitely is. we dont got no bday tho :((( thats kinda sad

mike is: thin, pale, short, has the iconic scar on his neck n back, n has pale eyes. he also smells of ozone. king <3

ok, age 8, boy got hit by lighting, n then because his life might as well get worse, he gets chased around by a spiral avatar (not the distortion, which is always fun seeing other interpretations of the fears outside of the more iconic or reoccurring ones), that tormented him with illusions of storms, poor guy

omfg????? boy became an orphan by 17 cuz he found some corruption leitner n it killed his parents. king moved on tho n right away wanted to search for more, hoping it would help him with his spiral problem. pretty cool. true that i cant remember how he reacted during his statement, the wiki is just here to inform n shit, but hes very practical in a way. parents die because of powerful book. hes being chased by a powerful entity. theres gotta be some book that can help him. smart n practical, might also be a way to like. quickly move on from his parents' death by just. focusing on a goal. he sure is stubborn, so many years still alive whilst being chased by a monster is amazing

ok, 1996, we dont know how old he is, but he finds boneturners tale, tries to remove his scar, doesnt work cuz he's full of fractals ig so he leaves it in some library with some other books. he probs doesnt like his scar for trauma reasons, might also be for insecurity reasons, we all know how cruel children n teenagers can be

1997-98, he found ex altiora after frequenting some library. he bound the spiral creature to the book n devoted himself to the vast. i mean, shit, me too, u go ur whole life being tormented by some monster, some other power kills it, i too would devote myself to it, if anything for the fact that it can provide some type of protection. again, mike's a pratical n smart guy, but he obviously doesnt rly know know a lot abt the fears, hes kinda winging it, which is. very impressive. all that he's learned has been on the fly (not a pun either)

2005, he becomes a stalker, 2006 he keeps doing it n feeds his god of the vast by freaking one of the guys out. this is in paris, which means hes travelling around. probs already used to doing so on the hunt for leitners, he might as well keep going now that he has funky sky powers

2017 he meets our boy jon. scar is still a sensitive issue, which is valid, so he fucks jon up a bit after he offended mike abt it. he gives a statement but then he is killed n buried which is. just sad. he was so iconic

im gonna go down the statements n add anything else of value.

mag 4: page turner: love that the spiral creature is stuck there on the book, with mike's scarring, its kinda cool. also this was in 2012, statement in 2013. im assuming dominic n mike r of the same age since they used to play together, so i was hoping to see some hint abt his age.

also mike smells of ozone constantly probs due to becoming n avatar of the vast, since the book ex altiora also smelled of ozone. interesting.

mag 46: literary heights: mike is a uni student, or at least looks like one. so im gonna assume he was in his 20s?? during 1998. he also keeps his scar hidden.

books on demonology?? does he think the spiral monster is a demon? kinda fair tbh. also what kinda akward situations arose from mike having to run away from the spiral thingie everytime he smelled the ozone? did he leave in the middle of multiple classes?? did it catch him mid piss one time?? actually what if he was in the bathroom chilling n smelled ozone?? wtf do u do???

ok, mike being a bit of a hermit n staying inside his home for weeks, bunch of latin shit around him, probs from the demonology books. he stole ex altiora n then fled not after herbert found him but when the creature found him n he ran, with herbert giving chase.

mike performs some ritual with latin to bind the creature to the book in exchange for his devotion to the vast. he throws himself out the window with the creature following behind. jon believes the mike was using the book to protect or ward him, which yh seems like it.

ah ok the spiral thing is the lichtenberg figure which is what gives mike his scars ig. interesting how smth so related to the vast can actually be from the spiral depending on what it does n means, with the illusions of storms n what not. we always assume anything sky related is vast but here lighting is very much spiral. thats cool.

mag 75: a long way down: mike is described as a short young man. event happened during 2006, so rly it depends on what young man means for the statement giver. if in 1998 he was in his 20's, in 2006 hes around 28 years old, maybe. hes also wearing a grey faded suit so 1) not much for colors huh n 2) wears shit until they break, same

mike feeding the vast in a pretty chill way, probs very happy to be free of torment n also have cool fear powers. he does seem bored so it could be more of a chore for him than anything else, mike just wants to live basically. also pre leitner mike must be different from post leinter mike, since jon notes ppl change after using leitners. so theres also that. the loss of ur humanity might also do that to u but idk

mag 89: twice as bright: jude is in her 50s!! didnt know that.

mike hangs around with the fairchilds, which is just jude's way of saying hes from the vast. id assume mike wouldnt hang out with them, just feel like hes used to dealing with things alone. also he is closer to jon's lot than hers, which could mean several things. i guess mike did search for knowledge everywhere for a while, even if it was all for survival n not for a need to know.

mag 91: the coming storm: love how jon goes to meet mike n he offers him tea, which means they r at mike's house, he has a home. with tea in it. i wonder if hes good at making it or not. mike likes his privacy n also that jon should learn how to respect others, which tbh just feels like he is older than jon which yh, if this is 2017 n if in 2006 he was around 28, he is around 39, maybe.

theres no lasting damage from his lighting incident the doctors say, except the trauma i guess. "Lichtenberg figures are fractals and while he could not see them, his fingers could feel them on his skin. When he felt them in the dark they went on and on" now thats pretty interesting, no wonder he didnt like his scars much if they felt all weird n funky like that.

i just googled them n see this: "Lichtenberg figures are fern-like patterns that may appear on the skin of lightning strike victims and typically disappear in 24 hours." thats not what happened to out boy!! might been because it was a supernatural thing tho so yh. wonder if his doctors freaked out a bit, also wonder what kind of treatment he got from his unusual scarring. but i also think this might happen, but its rare.

after touching his scars, the spiral thing started chasing him. it tricked him by making him think a storm was always coming, n it never hurt him but it always terrified him, which is fair cuz i mean wtf

ohhh very much avatar of the spiral with the corridors, making him dream of endless lighting corridors. then he woke up, went to his small garden at the back, n he saw an endless dark forest, the branches reached down from the sky n there was a strong smell of ozone. its interesting how this is an avatar of the spiral but its so laden with the vast.

after parents die he understands theres more to the supernatural n starts exploring. "The creature that followed him was a branch of the Twisting Deceit, which had, perhaps foolishly, taken a form from the sky" interestinggggg so the entities can take forms of things related to other entities, this is so cool!!

"he faintly remembers feeling resigned and desperate, though he cannot understand these feelings now" hmm so post leitner n post becoming an avatar he doesnt remember why he felt resigned before doing so, but like, ure giving up ur humanity n shit, n mike did it cuz he wanted to live in peace, like ofc. its like choosing the lesser evil n shit.

he has killed multiple ppl since he says its hard to keep track, but also i feel like his memory is not the best, considering he cant remember the night he became an avatar correctly.

can be punched n killed pretty humanly so theres that as well. might also be because daisy is from the hunt tho.

thats all i have, this was kinda cool. my boy mike <3<3

[sexydreamgirl]

hi!! im that anon that asked abt turning back time and worrying abt time whatever. i totally forgot i asked that lol! that persisting actually went horribly because i was giving fear power and i was just so scared i spiraled for like 3 days. but yesterday i said no FUCK that. im gonna reclaim my power. idk if this is a success story or an ask but im gonna put it here anyway.

i put up sticky notes on the side of my computer to remind myself to NEVER look back, and that morning i decided that i had perfect self concept and that i WOULD be aware of it before the end of the day. i was so scared! lol but i kept persisting. i didnt give fear power, i pushed it by and said NO WAY! NOTHING can get in the way of me and inevitably becoming aware of my perfect self concept.

as the day went on i had less anxiety and everything and around 4 i did some tarot reading, it was all very very great outlook, but it definitely predicted something. two cards basically said that my ambitions were running the risk of being undermined by my timidity and lack of self confidence, and the other card said that i will likely find myself with a problem but i will overcome it and triumph, i have the courage to do so. it scared me a little but i kinda brushed it off.

flash forward an hour, im washin dishes and im like damn i feel pretty fuckin good abt my self concept actually! i sat down and rhe feeling faded but i went back to my room and suddenly i looked at the clock and i laughed so hard that i started crying. july 24th?? fr? lmao?? like...thats just not true. i couldnt stop, i was so happy i just knew that the world was in my pocket. i just knew that theres no way its july 24th, its insane to even think about anything but my desires being the truth. i genuinely truly felt inevitable peace in my desires, i didnt even desire them in the 3d anymore. that morning i felt like id never get out of that cycle of lack and anxiety so bad i wanted to throw up and couldn't sleep but there i was. it truly was the best feeling i could ever ask for.

but it faded. and i know it was an accidental reversal. i had a twinge of fear that i could jinx it, reverse it. before then i dont think i ever thought of the concept of knowing a manifestation couldnt be reversed, especially not as a part of a good sc, it just never crossed my mind because it seemed obvious. it was a fear i couldnt push back and ignore. i didnt realize then that dwelling on the old story and doubting and all that has no power, it doesnt matter if you do that. i couldnt tell if it was birds before land or a reversal at first but i decided it was a reversal, it makes more sense and it feels more uplifting that i truly did do it. i doubted so much and i was so scared but in the end i really did become aware of it. even though it faded i stuck true to the reading, i wouldnt let it bring me down, this is just proof of how powerful i am. i didnt fail, its just a speck of dirt in the palm of god. im still scared ofc haha, but today ill be doing the same thing but ensuring it'll be forever. that i'll never reverse it, that's impossible.

i'm scared but i'm going to do my best to not let a thing stop me. i did it! everything will only get easier from here. if you have any input though id love to hear it

"i didn't fail, it's just a speck of dirt in the palm of God"

This right here. You may have doubts, you may feel fear but you still choose to have courage and continue regardless of what you're feeling. This is persisting.

[drafthearse]

Tell us abt Jax's relationships

im gonna assume u mean like... romantic ones 

the thing is jax has kinda been in a whole lot of relationships? well. some of them were so short i dont think u could really call them that lmao. that said, there are a few that stick out:

CISCO (Francisco Garcia) was Jax’s first boyfriend (he’d dated girls before that). they dated when Jax was 17 and Cisco was 19 and they were in a gang with 7 other kids. their relationship didn’t actually last any more than a year, because they decided they were better of as bros. and they were! they stayed super super close friends for the rest of their lives up until Cisco got shot by the police and it totally traumatized the fuck out of Jax and basically REALLY fucking sucked. Cisco was a great dude honestly. he was easygoing and a massive twink and he was real passionate about street art, and he said “man” all the time

WOLF (Daphne Wolfe) was Jax’s first Serious Girlfriend and wow was their relationship a fucking disaster because she abused the shit out of him. they met because they were both the leaders of their respective gangs (the Nine Lives Gang and the Ricochet Chix) and they forged an alliance together. she was manipulative from the start tbh, but things REALLY started to get bad when some shit started going down in the city with this ruthless police commissioner and some gang wars and shit. Cisco and most of Jax’s other friends died, Wolf’s adoptive father died, Jax started seriously developing an addiction to alcohol, the major gangs got wiped out... and the relationship spiraled. Wolf treated Jax like shit but they were weirdly codependent and fed off of each other and he really did love her. he couldn’t help it. it was NOT a healthy relationship in any way though and when she finally discarded him it was one of the best things to happen to him. that said, he still ended up even more fucking traumatized than before, with a serious addiction and an intense fear of commitment to boot.

GENE (Gena Vasquez) was a rebound. Jax tried to force himself into a relationship with her so he could feel normal and pretend he’d conquered his commitment issues. it didn’t work. they had a whirlwind romance and moved in together way too quickly. they fought a lot, he ended up cheating on her with her ex, and she threw him out of their apartment. she hates him now, and he honestly does regret using her like that, but he’s too stubborn to apologize. 

KHRIS (Khristopher Darius) is the love of Jax’s life. he was originally a friend of Jax’s sister, but he quickly got sucked into that circle of People Jax Would Gladly Die For. currently the two of them are stuck in one of those mutual pining situations... Jax (as we know) is terrified of commitment and fucking shit up so he tries to shove his feelings down.. Khris is actually similarly wary of commitment (not to the same level or for the same reasons as Jax) and also he knows Jax is a massive fucking trainwreck and he doesn’t know if he wants to get involved. so they mostly just dance awkwardly around each other. but eventually the tension’s gonna break. they’re gonna confess and they’re gonna start dating, but they’re gonna be smart about it and communicate and shit, take things slow. eventually they move in together, and things are real sweet for a while and then when Jax reaches another low point regarding his alcoholism/mental health, Khris breaks up with him to force him to get help. Jax does slowly recover, Khris takes him back, and they’re always there for each other from that moment on, and they know they’re meant to be, and wayyy down the line they get married and.. yeah. 

[anything-advice-blog]

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn