#im just angry all the time now and ive had a hard week with work and all so i just

[lavendorii]

I'm not even kidding I need to stop having dreams about him because it's making this process so much harder

[orcelito]

perhaps also related to the fact that i am scheduled to close this weekend with the person who was apparently laughing about how a year ago there was a supervisor chat without me Specifically for the purpose of shit talking me

and im supposed to treat her graciously after that? get Fucking real.

[wygolvillage]

a new year's resolution

well, as of 2024 i’ve decided i will no longer be posting on tumblr... this shouldnt be the hugest surprise since ive been pretty critical of staff, the over-monetization of the website, the site culture, and the user experience for the past year and gradually reducing my time spent scrolling the ol’ dashboard- ive even mentioned my intent to eventually leave; well, that eventually is now! gradually ive found myself analyzing the effect that using tumblr for 7+ years has had on me, and the effects of social media in general.

ive never had to write a goodbye letter like this before. while ive joined and left several online platforms over the years, its always been a gradual fade in interest rather than a conscious decision to stop. never have i used a platform as long as ive used tumblr, over 1/3 of my life. ive grown up with tumblr, for better or worse. how do you write a goodbye for that? i guess ill have to try my best. because as important as tumblr was for me, ive recognized the way its hurt me too.

finding other avenues of online self-expression particularly has made me think a lot about this. when i edit my website i feel accomplished, happy, and content, feeling i have put something of myself out into the world, my seed to grow and garden to tend. when i scroll through tumblr i feel as if my brain is mostly idle, and when i do emotionally respond its often out of anger or annoyance, because anger = engagement and social media sites like tumblr WANT engagement. particularly because i have OCD ive found myself upset by certain aspects of tumblr discourse culture, as well- it is basically the Scrupulosity Website and much of the way i react to and interact with media has been colored by my years spent absorbing the viewpoints of said Scrupulosity Website! i even used to look up discourse topics on tumblr just to anger myself on purpose, which is a dangerous road to go down, to build up Enemies and Factions in your mind- this is how discourse culture works. the culture of tumblr teaches you to see the world in black and white, and to feel like youre always in danger of compromising your moral purity or being attacked by the morally impure. If You Don’t Reblog This You Are A Bad Person. even as someone who nowadays tries to stay away from discourse entirely, its still there in the back of my mind, because the way we interact on this website is colored by this. when im online i dont actually want to be angry all the time! in fact i like putting my effort towards more positive stuff. but additionally: tumblr made me unhappy but it also made me an addict

and yeah social media addiction sounds like a silly boomer thing to complain about but one thing i noticed when i started trying to curb my time spent on tumblr was that opening the site was damn near compulsive. we all know those “open tumblr, close tumblr, open tumblr again immediately after” memes but that did describe my behavior pretty accurately. the draw and allure of social media feeds is powerful, if i accidentally click the youtubes short tab ill find myself a half hour later scrolling through random shit i don't care about and asking well how the hell did i get here? i dont even like that stuff! tumblr is no different no matter how much the site tries to coast on the reputation of being the last social media that's a “remnant of the old web” and “has no algorithm”. i like my chronological dash but it is equally as addicting to scroll through the thousands of people ive followed over the years, as it is to scroll through the algorithmic feeds of youtube shorts, because that's just social media!

and kicking addiction is pretty damn hard. before 2023, i made two separate attempts at reducing my tumblr usage and both fell through within a week due to that addiction. for reference this current bought of thoughts about reducing my tumblr usage and making my online/irl balance more healthy, around the start of 2023 when i began working on my website and its taken me an entire year to wean myself off of the hellsite, bit by bit. theres a point where it stopped being a conscious act, and even as i was carefully whittling down how often i use tumblr with extensions like leechblock i still had that compulsion go off multiple times every day, its a really strange feeling. but now that ive found so many more ways to express myself online, i just feel more whole now... i guess what im saying is that when i post on tumblr my first instinct is to complain or wallow about something, when i post on my own handmade blog on my website i always want to talk about things that excite me or make me happy! and its been such a tangible change in the way i think and act and im certain its because of the way social media and tumblr have their own “societal expectations” and structure that is built to feed on this negativity loop.

and a lot of the biggest shifts happened when i began immersing myself in the ideals of the web revival, while creating my own website. finding things that genuinely interested me and niches i want to occupy made me so much happier. i know we make a lot of jokes about having mutuals we never talk to that mean the world to us and i do think that is indicative of something. like, when i post on a forum full of strangers i am engaging with more “face to face” (or the digital equivalent) communication than i do with years-long mutuals. how genuine are these connections, this dashboard, the enjoyment i got from that meme post ill forget in 10 minutes? (not to say that i don’t genuinely care abt my followers and mutuals. ykwim?) i can still get all the things i enjoy out of tumblr in a more curated form via rss feeds; ive been so much more proud of what i post and create and code on my website. what am i here for? i gradually realized that i am losing absolutely nothing when i “miss out” or block tumblr on my phone or what have you.

since starting working on my neocities site ive felt so much creative drive. ive created whole interactive essays and worlds and games and writings and so many things i could never host on social media. my website is a place of my very own, and ive been learning the value of focusing on what i put out into the net compared to what i take from it. its made me feel so much more fulfilled when i spend time online.

and let's not forget about staff. i have broader issues with how automattic in particular has gone about running the site. the ads only took up more and more of the dashboard, and every month it felt like there was some new paid feature doomed to never take off. all while the user experience gradually degraded. using the site without browser extensions to fix the ui and block the ads and tumblr live and all the other shit they threw all over the place makes it look like its ridden with viruses, and i think the fact that its become so normalized to feel like we have to stay in spaces that become increasingly hostile to us, even while the internet is so vast, is really strange (i mean, i also thought that way at first). but Anyway. so much time and effort was spent on features no one liked or wanted in some desperate attempt to get a little extra money, while staff members get in public fights with users who complain about getting monetization shoved down their throat. its so openly pathetic. the merch store had mostly mediocre designs and the digital tumblrmart is absolutely full of useless digital goods with free alternatives. considering this is a userbase that gladly donates to other sites donation drives for hosting costs (i.e. ao3, wikipedia, internet archive), i am shocked that staff never considered the obvious answer of a fucking donation drive once a year or so! the ceo telling people with concerns about the ads being unsafe for epilepsy to “just pay the ad free subscription” is one of the most disgusting things ive ever heard from someone officially representing such a platform. do not be fooled by the reputation tumblr has cultivated: all that it cares about is making money from you. tumblr is “in danger” because it can't turn a profit- because a profit is all they care about!

so why stay here when im happier elsewhere, apart from the addictive compulsion? that's what ive been thinking through for nearly a year, realizing that i have no reason to, and that weaning myself off of the addiction is in my best interest. i can create and blog and have fun online and connect with others and follow other peoples work all without the need for tumblr anymore! and i think id be all the healthier for it.

over the past year ive truly fallen in love with the internet again and ive loved putting myself out there, unrestrained in ways i havent felt since i was very young. but nonetheless ive learned a lot on tumblr, ive had some of the worst and best experiences of my online life, and i dont doubt that i would be a much different person if i had never been a tumblr user for as long as i was. but i had to break out of this shell eventually.

i keep going over this wondering how i can express every feeling in my head, how i can word everything just a little better, how i can make the perfect goodbye. but i think this will have to suffice.

you can still keep up with me online here:

-explore my website: i keep it consistently updated and im always adding new things and writing new posts on my blog! you can even speak to me directly on the site! if you sign my guestbook or use my chatbox ill try to respond :) if theres anything on this list you do id like it to be this one! i worked hard on it! you can even send me chat messages on my homepage! just keep in mind it may not display everything right on most mobile browsers, but it should be mostly navigable...

you can also subscribe to my rss feed. if you don't know what rss is, it allows you to use a feed reader to keep up with updates from sites all over the internet! my rss feed will notify you whenever ive made a new post on my blog or made an interesting edit on my site id like you to take a peek at :0 convenient, right?

you can also email me at wygolvillage@gmail.com to message me directly. if you prefer im also “wygolvillage” on discord

thank you and happy new years :) thanks for seeing me off as i sail to a new sunrise <3

[haemosexuality]

i blocked her so i can talk about this here now. in 2022 i became friends w someone from here and at least to me we were really good friends since tho there was some personality differences that kept chafing. also ive been really depressed especially this past year or so and i was not my best self i was not as reliable of a friend as i shouldve been. that made it worst. i (not on purpose) made her really upset over a thing (theres a lot of context to explain and i dont wanna type all of that rn) and didnt immediately acknowledge it bc i was busy (out with family all day) and then she ghosted me. we were friends for almost 2 years and she just ghosted me. and i dont, want to diminish her feelings in any way but from my pov i dont think it was that bad? that it warranted that? its been two months so i sent her a text saying i wish her well and then blocked her on whatsapp and on here. because i dont really want to hear what she has to say at this point (because she ghosted me for two months and i had no indication that would change). but im still sad. im really sad. ive been trying to not think about it because i dont want to break too hard but, man. she was my best friend for almost two years, we had kind of concrete plans to meet this year when/if i go to the us, i really cared about her even if i was horrible at showing it. another friend of mine is of the opinion that i wasnt in the wrong and am better off without her but i dont think so. i feel really bad. i hope shes doing ok. half of me thinks i deserve better than someone that ghosts me the other half thinks its exactly what i deserve for being such a dick friend and idk which to listen to. i dont want to hear anything she has to say but i also wish shed just say anything at all, even if she just cursed me off and blocked me

a lot of the stuff outside of my control that kept causing problem in our friendship was resolved like, in the first two weeks of her ghosting me. if theyd been resolved just a week earlier we probably would still be talking. i dont feel like i deserve any of it. not the meds, not the laptop, nothing. i know i was in a really bad depressive episode, i know how depression works but couldnt i have tried harder? and even outside of that, i cant just use depression to excuse my lack of communicating and all the promises i wasnt keeping, nothing was stopping me from being more honest except my own guilt. she didnt deserve that. its kind of devastating to have a friendship end so suddenly like this. i really really miss her. i havent blocked her on discord in case she does want to reach out even tho i know blocking her on whatsapp (the main place we talked) sends a big "never speak to me again" message. im good at repressing emotions but whenever i think about it too much i want to tear my organs out

i didnt even consider the idea of being angry or upset at her until over a month has passed. i was venting to another friend and she said that ghosting me was a shitty thing to do and the way she treated me before wasn't ok. i genuinely hadnt felt anything other than "im such a horrible person and a fuck up, i hope she can forgive me but i understand if she cant'' at that point and idk if it was just lack of self respect or if i really was super in the wrong and my other friend just couldnt grasp that from my pov of things. i dont know. i have more to say but talking about this very in depth for pretty much the first time is making me want to throw up so im going to stop writing

[thephloxbayou]

Im so fucking angry.

I wasnt going to talk about going per protocol but this was so fucking lame it doesn't matter. It was never a threat or a blink on existence.

I went to a local vigil for Aaron Bushnell.

Now, a few things. This is my first time getting to go to anything like this. I have a sleep disorder, and I work nights. Usually activist groupings tend to happen last minute/you find out last minute. I'm far from Boston, on Cape Cod (I've mentioned where i lived generally before hence why I dont mind saying it here), and it's an ordeal to go even for fun. Things rarely happen on days I have off, and if they do, i probably worked the night before or have to that night. I cant take work off, im poor and its hard to get last minute coverage without my job being at risk.

But I found out yesterday about the local vigil. I rested up well before my shift, did it and came home and got very little sleep. But I could manage and that was the point, I could so I should. I had clothes prepped, black bloc even though i didnt expect anything to happen, and dressed for the cold and rain (its closer to 50 today). My phone was at home, my ID and house key in the car, parked some ways away and walked, only had my car key, a water bottle, and a few fruit snacks on me. It started at 1pm but I got there at 2 (lack of sleep plus making sure to eat a good meal just in case rather than run out on a near empty stomach).

I didnt expect a ton, this area is wealthy and white, but I wanted to be ready if anyone of color got harrassed because I have my privilege as a white person. Good to practice anyways. I also felt like maybe the gathering would have more energy, given that it came out that Aaron was a Cape Cod native. Either way, I was prepared to stand outside all day even if the rain that was forecasted was pouring down.

Well I walk up at 2... and they're wrapping up. Everyone (like 45 people) is standing around with signs, but theyre chatting and holding the signs down at their sides. They took a group photo with their signs calling for an end to this horribleness while smiling. I finally managed to say hello to the organizer, and mentioned that I didn't realize everyone would only be here for an hour. "Well it started to rain really hard." People stood around and talked about their anger at our government, and the horrors of whats happening in Palestine, then left because they were cold and it was wet (was listening to conversations and goodbyes. I was wandering on my own, everyone else was with friends). I heard the organizer talking about how he just vacationed in Costa Rica and was going back, then going to some other vacation spot.

My husband was surprised when I came home basically right after I left. I am so deeply angry by how comfortable these people out here are. This is not the first time Ive complained about that, i grew up with a hard life, we came out here on an opportunity, so I wouldnt off myself in the bad situation we had been in, and with his mother's help where she could (he grew up here). Ive never felt comfortable here because these people are living in a different world than I do, and even people who are just normal people and not some rich asshole look at me weird when I say stuff that I consider perfectly normal given where i grew up/class level. You're so angry over this, over the pain the people of Palestine are going through, that you go through the effort of organizing an event, and you stand around and talk about your "anger," and then you LEAVE after an hour because it's a little cold (warmest day we've had in weeks) and it's raining, which was forecasted and you could prepare for???

I havent calmed down. I cant go back to sleep cuz I already took my adderall which i need to stay awake on any regular day with that sleep disorder. I went ready for a fight, I wasnt expecting one but I was prepared, and expected at least a little energy from the group. But nothing. You accomplished nothing but making yourselves feel better.

I wish I could do more. I wish I had money to donate. I wish I had the ability to go physically support activist movement. All just like I wish I could during the summer of 2020. Im constantly torn between recognizing my position and suffering as valid and not a reason to beat myself up for not being able to do more, and feeling like I'm not doing enough and it's just excuses. But I just... cant fucking believe everyone I saw today. I mean yeah, i believe it, i know, i knew, but im just still furious. This is why we're in this fucking position people.

[sometimesireallydontknow]

DAY 1

I Look up at the ceiling, can't see much yet but my mom is smiling down at me for the first time.

Year 1

I look up at the ceiling and smile, its my mom again and she's so happy its blinding me.

Year 2

I look up at the ceiling and its a little quiet right now but my mom is there and she's singing to me and ao i smile again and im so happy im shinning.

Year 3

I look up at the ceiling and my Dad is there, he looks a little tired and someones crying but i dont think its mom, I smile at him and i think he smiles back

Year 4

I look up at the ceiling and theres someone new, Dad says he's my little brother, I look and I smile , he looks just like Mom, maybe he's the one who was crying? MY Little brother.

Year 5

I look up at the sky and Laugh, im twirling in my favorite dress and my little brother is laughing with me.

Year 6

I Look up at the ceiling and wonder why theres so much yelling lately, im not scared, its just that Dad is speaking a little louder and Mom a little Quietly.

Year 7

I look up at the ceiling, my brother is in my arms and i sing him to sleep, he doesnt need to hear the yelling, its not that serious, and im not crying.

Year 8

I look up at the ceiling and im scared, im crying but my baby brother is asleep and i cant wake him, so i hum my favorite song and i wish the bruises go away a bit faster this time.

Year 9

I look up at the ceiling and i wonder what it would be like to be in another family, if it would be better if i could just leave.

Year 10

I look up at the ceiling and i paint a smile on, my Dad says im useless, my mom says im overweight so i stop eating a bit, but its okay because my brother says im the brightest star in the sky.

Year 11

I look up at the ceiling and fix the crack in my smile, I love my dad, its not his fault that i failed, its okay cause i deserved it, (not really) Atleast my brother is happy.

Year 12

I look up at the ceiling and wonder why im still here.

Year 13

I look up at the ceiling and maybe i wont live past 20. But my brother is still here and maybe i cant help but cry.

Year 14

I look up at the ceiling and the year goes in a blur of fake smiles and hopeless dreams.

Year 15

I look up at the ceiling, 15 years is a long time.

Year 16

I look up at the ceiling and i had a panic attack at school, i told them what happens at home, My brother HATES me now, i cry a bit harder tonight.

They call home, im scared, my brother says i screwed up cause theyll take him and me and we wont see mom again. ( she whispers in his ears).

It doesnt help, sometimes it makes my life just a bit harder if i tell.

Year 17

I look up at the ceiling and i cry, im a failure, im useless and sometimes i wish i stopped at 13, 15, 17.

Year 18

I look up at the ceiling and wow. Im paying rent now, its a bit different now,he's become a little more irrelevant to me, (she didn't help me), im scared, its hard and i can't focus.

Year 19

I look up at the ceiling, and ive been working with kids for a year, How could someone hurt something so small? So precious? So innocent? (Did i do something wrong? Was i not enough?)

I love my job,

Sometimes i forget that my brother grew up in the same house.

Year 20

I look up at the ceiling, im 20 years old. My brother is 18 years old, i said sorry to him last week, he forgave me, he apologized and i forgave him too. We can't help it, the anger is so deep inside that its hard to keep it away sometimes. Im still angry and bitter, but im 20 i can work on it. He's 57 and he'll never change, 20 years , my whole life and i cant remember that first smile my mother ever gave me.

She's still here but she was never really there, My brother is all i have and sometimes i really wish she wouldn't have stayed even if we werent't born. ( im happy now, im still stuck at home but now my brother stands tall on his own and so do i, it takes time and i still have a long way to go.) Im 20 and i have all my life left, he's 57 andhes's gonna be angry and bitter the rest of his.

[darlinguistics]

i went off my adhd meds (strattera) for a few weeks as a lil experiment cuz i havent gone off them since i started them really and its too high stakes to go off them during the school year so i did it now before summer ended. i just started taking them again yesterday because i decided i was done with the lil experiment, so here's the review:

Things I Remembered About Myself/My ADHD After Actually Experiencing Them In Full-Unmedicated-Swing Again After A While (A Few Years)

conversations were fever dreams. i noticed it especially with my sister who im so close with and rarely mask around, i think like at least 1 in 3 thoughts were never finished or were finished like 2 minutes later after i remembered i never finished them. i also would totally ignore parts of things people said because i got caught up on the first thing they said and then they had to repeat themselves. i so often walked away from conversations feeling like i genuinely had no control over what i chose to say. the worst by far though was how when i really Did want to say something, i suddenly felt so inarticulate and nothing i said was actually what i meant. it was so frustrating and i didnt stay off my meds long enough to get super anxious about it but it made me remember how anxious i used to be socially before i was medicated and that was why

i lose things like crazy wow. such a cliche adhd symptom that everyone who treats adhd as a personality quirk references as like silly and chaotic of them but when its a real thing dude, its genuinely such a burden. i would just have 0 recollection of where i put things as recent as like 2 seconds ago. i lost my water bottle at work, my phone for a second, i luckily didnt lose my wallet and keys but i misplaced them so often and had mini heart attacks every time. one time i was in the car with my sister and i was like 'ugh i forgot my phone!! grr adhd!!' and then we were parked and i was waiting for her to do something and i killed time ON MY PHONE and then she came back and i put it down and then just stared at it like... wait where tf did my phone come from

sounds became so much more painful. i always underestimate my own sensory issues and i forgot how much auditory things especially are hard for me. i worked at a summer camp during this too, so i genuinely could not avoid the constant noise for like at least 8 hours straight every single day. it was annoying before i went off the meds but once i was off them it was borderline unbearable

decision overload! another symptom thats so easy to treat as just quirky and silly but wow it is debilitating!! it took all of my effort to make myself actually eat dinner every night because i would think of what to have and even just having to choose between a few things was enough to make my brain just shut off and prefer to just not eat even though i was starving. i got so much worse at grocery shopping which i usually love to do because i couldnt keep straight what my plans for the week for food were anymore. so much food went rotten because i forgot i bought it. honestly i could make a whole separate post about the weird changes my appetite went through

i just got so much more annoyed by myself? ive worked pretty hard to build a better relationship with myself the last couple of years and i actually feel like ive come really far about being nice to myself, but all the little ways that adhd inconvenienced me or messed something up, even when they were all very minor things with no serious impact, still had me with so much less patience for myself and so much more critical. i was actually shocked at how drastically the change happened and every time i caught myself it made me so sad to realize i was so angry with myself, but i also didnt really know how to tone it down. its like my mind was an overworked caregiver or something, like i gave myself compassion burnout. i think this was the nail in the coffin that made me end the little experiment and go back on my meds, because there was just no way to really fix that and give my mind the break it needed to calm down without them and i didnt like how much lower my self esteem was from just a few weeks of it.

we all know overstimulation sucks but so did the understimulation. i like totally forgot how that felt honestly, but it was painful at times. i would finally get some free time during my really busy schedule but all i could really get myself to do was just kinda sit in a quiet room and do literally nothing, maybe play soft music but only if my ears let me after all the noise of the day. i called my family less because i didnt want to hear anyones voice or i knew id get bored and wanna hang up really quick and i knew that would be rude. it was this weird situation where i felt so overstimulated most days for so long that when i finally got a reprieve i was genuinely exhausted energetically and physically and i couldnt actually make myself do much during down time but then that just made me so so understimulated and bored and SAD! i felt so much duller, almost numb, isolated. it was depressing, and then shameful when people would ask me how i spent my time and i had to say i did nothing. it reminded me of coming home from school growing up and being such an anti-social empty husk with 0 energy, back then it was even more troubling because it also made me irritable around my family and made me fall behind on assignments which only stressed me more which only exhausted me more and it was an endless cycle

okay but any good things?? i mean why did i do this?

trust me im very well acquainted with the downfalls of hyperfixating but wow i forgot how good and fulfilling it could feel too!! i started reading?? chat when was the last time i read a book omg. im genuinely so happy about this development it was like i woke up one day and was like hm actually.. im a reader. i read now. im gonna read. i wouldve expected the opposite for going off my meds but i think the unfiltered excitement about the material gave me more motivation which made up for the lack of attention span

coffee mmmmmmm. i luckily avoided like a full addiction to it (again i am very familiar with the potential evils of coffee x adhd trust me) but idk man coffee just started to hit different. while medicated i mostly just drank coffee out of like the comfort and familiarity of it and the flavor, but didnt actually crave it as much for the caffeine aspect of it because it felt unneeded and at worst anxiety inducing, but while unmedicated it became like... exactly what i wanted it to be, idk i cant describe it well lol

okay that summer camp job i mentioned, i worked with some disabled kids there that was like my Job. and i was initially worried about not being 'normal' enough off my meds to help them anymore but im so glad i did it because it made me realize/remember that it actually helped! like of course it did idk why i was nervous about it! it obviously comes with its unique challenges but it was mostly a strength that i felt like i understood some of them more and i was able to be more of like an older role model leading by example of how to exist in this way instead of just an outsider telling them what to do and what not to do without actually trying to understand them. this summer really reignited a lot of my passions about working with disabled children especially neurodivergent children and being unmedicated for a portion of it only fueled that fire more and i just feel so much more connected to the community again and so excited about the career im trying to make for myself :)

i was so shitty at masking lol, even though i still mask when im medicated i felt out of practice when i was unmedicated. but this time around i was more sure in myself so while im not and never will be immune to the shame or insecurity of being perceived unmasked i was also able to appreciate it more than i ever have. i feel like i was better at standing up for myself. i had some challenging social situations and even though i had the brain-to-mouth communication difficulties i mentioned before, it at least felt a lot easier to identify what my wants and needs were and to give them a voice, even if my voice didnt always hit the mark it still felt good to try. i tend to be a bit of a mirror or a doormat sometimes (im also a gemini rising for the astrology ppl :3 lol) because trying to navigate my own mind to find what my opinions are and then decide which are appropriate to share is like too much work so i tend to just be agreeable and small-talk-y, but i think the unmedicated adhd made me care less about all that and just like, say what i felt (or try to at least) and then also stand by what i said too. it was a good reminder that confrontation isnt inherently evil, its good actually to take up space like that sometimes. it was nice, with how much being unmedicated made me lose trust in myself in a lot of ways, i feel like it built self-trust in this aspect.

tl;dr - am i glad i did it? yes. will i do it again soon? probably not, but eventually. do i recommend it? yes..? but only if you feel like it is something that will actually benefit you and if you feel supported enough to navigate whatever challenges come up during it. do i feel differently about my meds? it definitely made me remember what exactly they do for me, and going off them for a bit satisfied the spiteful little part of me that kinda always wants to go off them and just fuck around. i feel less of the weird guilt i sometimes have about medicating now that i remember how it helps and that my unmedicated self is still part of me and i havent like, killed it off lol. do i feel differently about my adhd? i feel a lot more aware of it again in both the parts i appreciate of it and the parts that i struggle with and that was probably the most valuable takeaway from all of this.

[yuukei-yikes]

takane and shintaros post str codependency is making me insane because theyre both way too emotionally attached to each other and want to beat each other up so bad at the same time. they were all the other had for the longest time and have such a raw unspoken understanding of each other and literally goes insane they remove my brain function and the way you characterize them is so real

NO LITERALLY THEYVE BEEN IN MY FUCKING BRAIN FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS . their feelings for each other are the same and also completely different bc shintaro was takane's entire life and purpose while shintaro didnt KNOW it was even takane so he has to reconcile with that fact and OUGH the i can fix him/i guess i can let her fix me dynamic. they cannot live without each other and its so so so unhealthy and messed up .

ok but relationship therapy for shintaro and takane. and also ayano and haruka are here (haruka organized it) the therapists like i seriously dont fucking understand whos dating who and haruka's like THATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM sry im so insane abt shintaro bringing insanity to harutaka and takane bringing (even more than they already have) insanity to shinaya.

haruka's literally the ONLy one on the fucking loop of whats happening bc ayanos like. she's got so many issues of her own and her relationship with shintaros a mess as well so its not like shes got the emotional tools to do something other than be sad abt it. i think if ayanos the one to say anything she still shields behind haruka like HARUKA ALSO THINKS ITS MESSED UP RIGHT HARUKA? RIGHT RIGHT? PLEAAASE HELP MY CASE and harukas like COME ON. but yeah haruka calling takane out but hes so soft abt it it takes takane like a fucking minute to realise wait are we having a....fight and harukas like i GUESS and takanes like ooooh. ohhhhhhhh thats not good.

haruka tries to be understanding bc IT IS understandable that theyre like this but hes like is it too much to fucking ask that takane stops canceling on me all the damn time. and shintaro is so comfortable with just trusting on takane for everything bc hes like she's so pathetic abt wanting to know whats going on with me and she is THE ONE who saw me at my worst so who else would i turn to lol like takanes more comfortable for him. otherwise whats he supposed to do. open up to a whole new person. hes terrified of the outcome of having someone else(ayano) know him that way.

anyways haruka works on it with takane bc he's like drilling into its head the whole thing and takanes more and more aware of it as it goes on and then sort of has to make the choice to have this sort of messed up break up without dating with shintaro. also maybe around the same time shintaro breaks up with ayano for reals in case uve read my shinaya post. shintaro just got dumped x2 and turns to haruka in his emotional breakdown and since haruka responds not mean spirited or angry at him at all, but kinda tells him u brought it upon yourself like ive been telling u abt this for months so shintaro gets angry at him bc he resorts to being irrational BC HE JUST GOT DUMPEDX2 COME ON so to harukas hes like OHHH SO ITS UR FAULT UVE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME AND TAKANE LIKE EVEN IN HS and harukas like wow. im gonna walk away now. but shintaro to takane is like but ayano just left me?? and this is an issue for haruka too??? maybe we should just be together???RIGHT??? and takanes like WOOOOOOOOOOOW HARUKA WAS RIGHT THIS IS RLY FUCKING WEIRD so now things are weird between haruka and shintaro x2 because he just essentially asked takane to breakup with him. shintaro sort of tries blaming his breakup with ayano solely on what happened with takane when in reality theres just so many other things and its so messy

its a yuukei quartet messy fallout baby. it is so fucking funny.

for ayanos part i think she sorta shuts down for a bit while she seeks help in therapy and stuff and shintaros like spiraling so hes more difficult and for takane its SUPER SUPER hard to not run to shintaro seeing him like That so haruka has to keep her grounded but its not like things are super great between them either bc takanes like shaking with anxiety and haruka feels so guilty and has no one to ask advice to so hes not sure if he did the right thing or not. basically ayanos in therapy keeping distance shintaros sort of having a tough falling back to old habits (goes neet for like a month) and harutaka are trying to work on their relationship lol. thru it all the dans also around so theyre especially of help with ayano and shintaro's episodes.

sorry like this is funny to me ofc they all make up like they come around. shintaro and ayano get back together. shintaro and takane talk to each other like normal people and maybe hug and cry a little bit. haruka wants to sleep for like 2 days.

they make up so its FINE thats why to me this is comedy central like is it not super funny come on. but a little post str misery arc for shintaro there

[just-rogi]

this is so stupid but im depressed, and im angry im depressed because i want to be happy right now you dont understand. i have been struggling so fucking bad these past few months when my health went downhill and i had to go on medical leave, i couldnt see my friends for so long, and i stopped getting paid and its fine i have money saved up but i feel insane guilt at spending any money on anything at all for pleasure while im off work. like ive dropped hundreds on doctors appointments in the past two months and cant rationalize concert tickets or shit. ive been having just bouts of anxiety and grief and i can manage them because i know HOW to manage them but its just frustrating doing all the depression upkeep when i WANT to be happy. i turned twenty two last month and i havent celebrated my birthday since i was in fourth grade because of reasons, and i was really scared of being let down so i just dont celebrate, but this year i begged my closest friend- i dont want a party i dont want people there, i just want to not be alone, and not be sad and i want to listen to 22 by taylor swift. and due to an emergency she had to cancel on me at nine pm the night before and i was so upset about changing plans i just wasnt able to regulate my emotions or be there with my other friend who showed up at my apartment unexpectedly, because i wasnt emotionally ready to be happy, i just didnt want to be devastatingly sad. I have been waiting to play 22 by taylor swift on my 22nd birthday for at least a decade. its so fucking stupid, its SO fucking stupid, but i was so disoriented and depressed that i cant bring myself to listen to it which is dumb because its not even a good song but it was supposed to be happy. my grandmother was the only member of my family who wished me a happy birthday, and less than a week later was easter and i wasnt invited but all my siblings were there. and im trying so hard to go for walks and talk to friends and go to the library and make art, but i keep going to doctors appointments and i cant do shit i used to be able to do and i feel so isolated at home... and it just kinda hit me... im not excited to listen to the new taylor swift album tonight. what the fuck. im taylor swift girl. im like THE swiftie friend. there were people in highschool who only knew me because i loved taylor swift, hell even on tumblr i was known for my stochastic terrorist taylor swift post that went viral, and.... i dont care. Its not even that i dont care- its that i actively dont WANT to listen to the album tonight. my phone lock screen is a sylvia plath poem, i have a full shelf of just my favorite poets, like poetry and taylor swift are my favorite things in the world and everyone knows it... and im not excited. what the fuck. i want to be excited again. i want to be happy about this. im sick of doing depression manitence and going outside and eating fruit and taking showers and going on walks. IM ANGRY BECAUSE IM SICK AND I DONT HAVE ANSWERS AND EVERY WEEK IS A NEW DOCTORS APPOINTMENT AND I DONT EVEN GET TO BE HAPPY ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT???? cmon man its hard enough i just want to be feeling something again. i deserve to be happy about this so why am i miserable and apathetic. i get it. im a swiftie and taylor isnt even that good and its not even something special because she releases new music every other week..... but man... i want to be excited about something again. its not my fault this time- i did everything right and im still just so fucking sad i cant cope

[homoerotic]

im just feeling very demoralized. exceedingly so. i want to be a radiographer so badly. i wish i had known sooner but i want this so so so bad. and i cant help but think the reason i didnt get in this time is due to two things:

1. i had one (1) C on my transcript. in ECON. a class that has no bearing on my major but dampened my gpa exponentially

2. i had a panic attack during the venipuncture lab in one of my rad classes because i didnt adequately prepare myself for it. and i distinctly remembering my professor telling me "if you cant do this you arent cut out for this major" so i bet she brought that up during deliberation.

its not fair man. i dont live at home w my parents, i dont have a free schedule to study constantly. i have so many bills, so many doctors appointments and health issues to handle. i have to take care of my family.

i have such a bad needle phobia that i am actively working on. its bullshit! you dont NEED to do venipuncture as a radiographer! if i was specializing in CT/nucmed then YES 100% i understand that due to administering contrast. but every single nurse and radiographer ive spoken to has told me that learning that is a waste of time for me.

so how do i prove that im capable of handling the sight of needles now? drawing blood =/= seeing patients get their blood drawn/have IVs. they are not the same. i even wrote a whole essay about my phobia for that professor to help her see my side of it all. isnt it enough that im willing to expose myself to this daily because of how bad i want this?

i was fine, REALLY, i was fine not getting in this time. i really was because i was told left and right that getting in your first time is as likely as the lottery. so why does the girl that i see every single week for the past two semesters get in her first time? the same girl that ive constantly had to help through math and chemistry. who isnt confident in any of her homework answers. who needs me to hold her hand all the time through the complicated concepts.

and i know thats not fair of me to be angry at her. i know she works hard. she has good grades. shes in the honors program. but we both have medical experience. im 5+ years older than her. what did her personal statement have that mine didnt? why wasnt i good enough.

i know i am being over dramatic and acting very entitled but i cannot help but be angry and upset over this because i want this SO BADLY. i want this more than anything else and now i have to wait another year for it. a whole year of my life for the next slim chance of being picked. and what if im denied again? i'll be 27.

i want to start my career. i want to help my partner pay for our bills again. i want to stop struggling to survive. but now i have to wait and wait and wait. and i have to bend over backwards this next application period. get more certifications, dedicate more of my limited free time to volunteering. retake classes for a better gpa. spend more money. kill myself faster. struggle struggle struggle.

im so tired. im so fucking tired. im sick of being a student. im sick of college. im sick of feeling this age gap with my peers. im sick of being lonely. im sick of not being good enough. im sick of it all.

[forestryfae]

man it is SO nice to find a solution to a really shit problem only for 50 other problems to happen

i am completely alone with zero support in a house i hate, doing as much housework as possible so it can be manageable both in day to day life and so its not hard to just leave when i move, and i still am not getting any help getting rid of the stuff.

i have almost no money and i have to pay to take the train to buy food or neccessities and i was dumb enough to not send a letter sooner so i dont know if ill get my money until after christmas or not, i havent bought more than one christmas gift either cus im fucking broke, and i dont feel anywhere in my body that i want to spend time making something for anyone. my brother still isnt done paying me my money back and literally hasnt talked to me since last time he asked for money, my dad hasnt fucking talked to me in ages and the one time he called in summer it was out of boredom to ask when i was gonna visit them, none of my extended relatives talk to me at all so what the fuck is the point there, and my mom is just. a fucking bitch.

i had her removed as a legal guardian, not even on purpose initially but because folkenemnda or whoever sent her a letter before i was able to have a meeting, so she ofc got fucking offended and now has decided sve cant be involved in anything. she cant call electricians, she cant help fix the house, its "too difficult" for her to have to talk to me or my new legal guardian instead of just buying stuff right away, and she told ME to get a new phone service provider. i had to fix that myself. on top of her being, once again, a useless bitch. dont touch my stuff i say, its fucking embarrassing that you have dirty laundry she implies while moving all my furniture around and doing shit to my kitchen while refusing to acknowledge its my house but still treating it like her own, and not fixing the internet again after they unplugged it.

so i have no access to internet besides my last 150 mb of phone data unless i call some guy to fix it, but they wont be here until next year most likely so its pretty much pointless, and if i buy phone data i have to pay. so if i cant get it fixed ill be literally alone for two weeks straight with no people at all around me and noone i can talk to on the internet. except for fucking. christmas. idk about new years eve. and i dont even fucking like my family, i dont even want to spend time with them, they treat me like shit.

the ac doesnt work since mom got the electricians to look at everything but never actually hired anyone to fix shit and now is completely uncooperative. and after they checked the fireplace in that control like two years ago im not allowed to use it, and mom never actually got that fixed either even though shes been in charge of absolutely everything since forever.

plus both heaters downstairs are set to 27c or max and it still is only like 17 or 19 or so, i have an entire room in the house i straight up cant use cus theres no power and no light and 17c in there and its full of stuff i asked mom to take to the thrift store for me 6 months ago. also i cant leave either heater on if im boiling water or washing dishes cus that overloads the entire fucking thing.

and its just like so much bullshit all at once and ive been spacing out for like 2 hours while writing this cus i get so frustrated and upset and angry and sad. its not fucking fair that my parents literally dont care about me, yet im expected to be fucking sociable and call and visit them and reach out. they didnt reach out to me or support me at all when i was a kid, or a teenager, or an adult, why the fuck would i want to deal with them. but if i dont go to visit them on christmas or i point out that hey. youre not really being fair or nice to me at all, hell breaks loose cus i should be more than happy with the crumbs they give me, as if theyre the best people in the world for fucking. calling once every six months or letting me celebrate a holiday with them.

like. im stuck here for 2 weeks, im broke as shit, no connection to the outside world once i use all my data, i very much am still mentally ill even if im better than before i went inpatient. but once i go back ill have to go back to work and i dont have a psychiatrist to talk to and im not on any meds i think i might need and i havent been tested for anything yet, i havent been had driving practice yet, i can barely talk to my support contact, i need a lot more help than i am being given, im not getting the help i ask for when i do ask for it, and thats on top of shit parents and a shit house and two cats i love but am not sure i can keep given the whole thing where im gone for months at a time. and i just. how the fuck am i supposed to be able to keep a job or ever move out or make friends properly or keep a new apartment or house or be mentally stable. its so much bullshit all at once wtf

[mejomonster]

My gastroparesis driving me up a wall. And by that i mean ive been barely eating for over a week now and my symptoms still arent improving and im really not havin a great time im exhausted my bodys in pain trying to get me to Rest but i gotta work full time and my abdomen absolutely hurts but painkillers slow digestion even More so ive been laying down on heatpad as much as possible and i really dont wanna go back to an All Liquid diet (but even if i did im at the nausea and vomiting point of a gastroparesis flare which means even liquid only im likely to throw up either way) and like. I just wanna comfort eat bread cause i feel miserable exhausted in pain and it would be a small joy. But bread is absolutely not something i can eat during a flare. I can only eat it when doing good if i take benedryl. Im so angry and tired and id like to sleep for days. And i gotta still Make myself eat chips and protein shakes even tho i got nausea cause my gi meds dont work unless i eat Something. Even if i got nausea and tons of pain wooh

Anyway im getting flack from family for being so tired the last week and i love em and all but its awful feeling guilty for not calling Enough when its like goddamn eating (something humans gotta do at least once a day) hurts phenomenally and i barely can but i obviously desire to like any human then i eat and Ouch my body didnt fucking like that and punished me for it and im so mad. I feel awful and yeah im mad i dont got energy to hide how much pain im in and chat false enthusiastically for 20 minutes after already doing it all thru work. I had 1 teaspoon of peanut butter today and my remaining options are soup broth (but it had beans cooked in it and my body cant take fiber today so idk if its worth the risk of any accidental beans) and salad (which is of course raw vegetables fiber very hard on stomach rn so i can probably just eat a handful size portion and hopefully ill chew enough its mush and my body will tolerate it). And a protein shake (but its got fiber and is made of chickpeas i think for the protein so idk if my body is tolerating it or not im just drinking it so i dont have no calories). I had chips yesterday but i think my body considered it too solid or large to digest idk cause im eveb worse today. I also had toast yesterday cause i was so angry and hungry and wanted comfort food. So of course that messed me up. Which means i should take more benedryl. But then i wont just be hungry and pain tired, ill also be drug tired. And im so sick of being miserablr all day at work just to pass out the second its over cause allergy meds knocked me out then ive lost all day. But without allergy meds i can eat hardly anything i like. I mean i cant eat rn but like. Right before this fuckjng flare and hopefully once its over. Im just sick of it. Im tired and when i go to therapy next week shell probs ask oh what do you do to stress relief and its like... i get it but are u fucking kidding me. Im knocked unconcious from benedryl. And tired anyway cayse no food, and pain nonstop from gi tract. So im barely doing anything. I cant really get outta bed cause i need the 4 sq feet heatpad or ill be in agony over my abdomen. Dont have tv in room so i can use phone i guess. So tired i can barely keep eyes open or think so im not writing reading or watching shows on phone. I can idk listen to a reaction or lets play since if i fall asleep and wake up i dont need to follow a plot. But like im not in a state to be going for a fucking walk (i wish! I wanna dance and walk but my abdomen and back feel awful and im so tired im dizzy when i stand) or hang out w friend, which im sure idk shed prefer to hear some productive ass activity like god im just trying to keep myself employed and out of the ER until the flare rights itself. Please

And i know jts not that bad. Ive been worse. I couldnt eat solid food for 6 months once. I was in the ER weekly it was so bad i blocked most of it outta memory. This is only a couple weeks. And i havent thrown up much! I was throwing up 5 times daily back then. And i have had chips and peanut butter! I recognizr thats nice, i got some solid food and held it down! I know my gastroparesis is EONS LESS severe than it was when it started.

Its just like. It still sucks barely eating for weeks and any eating hurting immensely and nonstop nausea for days and pain not lowering. Like a normal healthy person might snap from anger if they try to go 20 hours without eating, or crash and need to eat to keep going, or just be run down as fuck and justifiable if they barely do anything that day. But i go days like that and im expected to just appear fine and live life normally like im not worn down af and just desperate to not feel nausea and pain and i just really wanna eat again. Normally.

[turkeyjournal]

Book review: Killers of a certain age by Deanna Raybourn

Just want to preface there WILL be spoilers so, dont read if you dont want spoilers.

OVERALL RATING: 7.8/10

Brief Descripition: 4 old ladies: Billie, Mary Alice, Helen and Natalie have worked for a secret assasination organzation called 'The museum' and forty years have been assasians. When they each are at the time of their life where they are retiring and decide to go on a cruise ship when all of a sudden the get attacked by The museum...

My Personal Thoughts: To be completly honest, i really enjoyed this book. I had alot of fun reading it and it was super fun. I wondered how they could write an action kind of novel in a book. Like how do you even write action scenes but Raybourn proved me wrong. This book is more a thriller/mystery/action type o book and i seriously suggest people read it. I was gonna give it a 8 but everytime they would mention art and descriptions of the art in the book, especially when at the end when they killed the baroness and at the end when they were trying to kill Vance i just got so bored and confused so it kind of ruined the vibe.

I actually thought i found a spelling error but then i found out that the word 'diffident' is a real word. I thought she was saying different but nevermind she wasnt. So there was no spelling errors which is great. I hate when a book has spelling errors it just looks dumb.

The start of the book, so like the first 50 pages were so bored. I think it had a good plot but i was reading it and just felt bored. But ater the first 50 pages, it was like i was stuck. The story was so intresting and thrilling, i loved how the book described every move. Sometimes the fight scenes in this made no sense, like at the end or example. When Billie was fighting Vance, half way i thought "what the hell is going on" and like "how is that move even humanely possible."

Billie was my favorite charcter. She had this kind of cool macho Sylvester Stallone in tusla king feel. It was cool to see a badass and older women who isnt some weird quiet "ive seen so many things and im so dainty and delicate and misunderstood" type of main charcter. Even her realtionship with Tarverner wasnt all angry and stupid, it was really mature and lovely.

During the time when they had killed Sweeney and Helen paused when shooting i thought that maybe Helen had something she was hiding and couldve done some whole betrayel act and played more into that because alot of back stabbing was happening throughout the story, but thats just my opinons honestly.

Overall, would i read it again? Maybe i could. When i rate things 7-8 usually means i really liked the book but it couldve been better and i MIGHT re read it but not 100% likely to. I think the size of the story was really good and i enjoyed it alot and it wasnt a hard read. It did however take me 2 weeks to actually start reading the book but that was only because i had alot to do with school and midterms. But now that i finally got to read it i thourghouly enjoyed it and i will be suggesting people to read this book aswell. I added an actualy picture of the book because last review looked a little dull so i put thisi to make it look prettier.

[420technoblazeit]

anyway masterlist of responses to ppl's random messages on this form

hunters grab ur salt or hwatever. call my blog the winchesters bc we're time traveling in this fuckin car

IS HTIS WHY MY POLLS KEEP GETTING WEIRDLY SKEWED. GOD. FINE ILL ADD A 'DID NOT WATCH SUPERNATURAL' OPTION

im about to write a fix it where htey bring back crowley bc everything the writer's team did post-his death made me so goddamn angry. he adn cas die in the same episode and theyre like teehee. the antichrist brought cas back but not him bc idk. cas is Special. adn then they dont let rowena resurrect him im so alskdhgsadgasdgsadglhaldga

oh fukc are there angel robots in this. i keep making posts about gabriel spn adn people mistake it for ultrakill mayb i WILL play htis

i cant explain but like. hte type of cat that's black and white but the black adn white kinda meld together yk what im saying? lik,e an oreo milkshake

i handed in two of my final assignmetns last night so hopefully soon! im hella behind in one of my classes htough so we'll see

ive stayed up till 3 about 3 times in hte last 5 days. one of htose was bc the spn season 1 finale was a two parter adn i forgot and wanted to get to hte part where they got hit by the truck, another was bc i got really into a session of apex legedns, and the third was bc i had a final assignmetn and pissed away the rest of the day spn postign so. i think ur right

hwy are you the coolest person here what the fukc. like omg what's ur numberrrrrrrrr

WOE, DISCREET SUPERNATURAL REFERENCE IN MY MINECRAFT SMP BE UPON YE. it's a good nickname htough c!aster uses nicknames all the time for ppl anyway lmao. we've already got old man for sleep, princey for lux, dog breath for kota, etc etc. it fits

so fuckign true broski n boy am i having a time. i bought a crowley print a couple weeks ago but hte shipping for a print was too much money so i just bought a bigass sticker adn ykw. it worked. i also found out htat the artist now draws apex legends so im winning here

holy shit wait is htis just. literally a copy of super smash bros fuck yeah ill play that what the hell. why didtn u tell me about this sooner

this was on hte submission for judas. um,,,,, ,,, yeas

no youer so right. somebody did send a drawign in the drawing box of like. their little furry oc with hearts saying 'kys' adn i laughed so fucking hard at it. i didtn post it bc i wasnt sure if they were serious or not, i assume htey werent considering how cutesy it was but uh. yeha

sedn it to me im srs. i used to be hte biggest sabriel shipper back in the day before my brain apparently decided that angsty drowley shippign is superior. i love gabe though he's my fave

also im not puttign it here but someone sent a monologue? from somethign called fictional googology???? ??

LISTEN BITHC. WHEN QSMP GET'S HTE LORE ROLLING ILL DO IT. OR MAYBE GO TAKE A LOOK AT MY FUCKIGN BLOCK PEOPLE U EVER HTINK ABOUT THAT??? ?? anwyay im gonna b on wynne's vault hunters server u should go check them out n give them a follow theyre really cool

jesus fucking hcirst. u might as well just shoot me in hte leg dog

[zerobotic]

just realized this post got spit out of my queue after i put it in there like a month or more ago, and, fun fact! i’m 500% more angry about it now than i was a month ago when i queued it!! because in that time ive taken and gotten the results back from a neuropsych evaluation, which my therapist and doctor requested as part of the adhd evaluation ive had going on for nearly a fucking year now, and boy am i fucking seething about it! i spend a whole year telling my therapist about how much im struggling in ways i cant seem to overcome, and she goes “yeah that sounds like adhd” and we begin the lengthy process of looking into that, and then the pcp decides they need more info so i get referred to the neuropsych folks. and this FUCKING neuropsych guy sees me for a single visit and i take some cognitive tests and he writes up a report saying, in his infinite wisdom, that i am simply ““““too high functioning”“““ to truly be struggling and have i considered im not trying hard enough? have i considered using a planner? setting reminders in my phone? have i considered that im only looking for an adhd diagnosis because i feel slighted by my parents not looking into any of this when i was a kid and now i want validation because of my poor relationship with my family (which ive talked with my therapist at length about and this guy only knows the bare fucking minimum)?

like, it’s been a couple weeks since i read that report and i STILL wanna strangle someone about it and im still waiting for my therapist and doctor to respond about how, inevitably, this has fucked over the entire process of seeking a diagnosis all because some jackass can’t understand that doing well on academic tests doesnt equate to being able to successfully cope with the reality of day to day life, and my therapist and doctor apparently arent allowed to formally diagnose me if there’s any uncertainty! which, being too good at tests and therefore being told i cant be struggling is the story of my life and why im in this situation as an adult in the first place.

and seeing that post about being high functioning brought all that anger back to the surface now and underneath the anger im just. so, so exhausted and dont know what to do anymore, because nothing ever gets easier and i dont know how to make any of it work and for a while there i thought maybe i could officially get some answers and maybe some help with making things easier for once and now that’s been shot down too and i dont know what to do because nothing ive ever tried has worked and im back to square one again. underneath the anger there’s a part of me that’s losing hope on the idea of anything ever getting better

[fairycosmos]

my ex and i broke up 2 months ago bc he couldnt go back to being in a monogamous relationship with me (he thinks hes poly), and he wants to stay friends, im not sure i can do that though. i still love him and im so so angry at him for breaking yet another promise. we had been together off and on for almost 7 years since i was 15 and he was 18. he promised me it would actually work this time and i like a big idiot actually believed his bullshit. i dont know whether i want to stay friends with him, i know my feelings arent going anywhere as easy as his do and ive never felt rage this hard. i hope he feels like shit for fucking me over for the rest of his life and i hope a day comes when he wants me back and i can hurt him by saying no and he won't ever be able to get over me. i dont know whether i hate him or love him anymore im just so angry and hurt.

hey, i'm so sorry to hear this. i think everything you're feeling is completely justified - like it is literally an incredibly understandable reaction in every single way. i think your ex is asking a lot of you by just assuming that it'd be easy for you to stay friends. of course, that would be convenient for him, but the reality of the situation is that you are hurt and the dynamic has changed massively, and that is the result of his own missteps in the relationship. what he's dealing with now is the consequences of letting you down, and you don't have to feel bad about that. it's alright not to know if you're going to be able to remain friends with him yet, you don't have to know. it should become clearer with time, and whatever the answer is, is acceptable. there's no wrong one. it's natural to need both time and distance to sort your head out and process what has happened at this stage.

i think it's possible to love someone and be incredibly angry and disappointed in them at the same time, i also think it's possible to love someone and get over them with time. neither of those positions are easy or straightforward to be in, obviously, in fact they're infinitely frustrating - and i can't imagine the sort of emotional hell you must be dealing with right now - but i just want to kind of stress that there is a way forward, even if it's not necessarily the one you want. since you both want different things from love anyway, he's probably not able to give you the future you're dreaming of with him anyway. i guess what i really want to say that it's fine to put yourself, and your own needs first. if you don't think you can handle being around him at this point, you don't have to. take all the time and distance you want, and then check in with yourself in a few weeks/months/whatever to see if anythings changed. also just a sidebar - do you have anyone you trust to talk to about this like friends, a close family member etc? it's easy to feel overwhelmed by all of these negative emotions at the best of times, but especially if you don't have anyone to verbalise your pain too, to seek comfort from. i'd really recommend opening up to those around you about what you're going through, if you're looking for a way to make it feel a little more bearable. it's a very difficult thing to do in the moment, but i doubt you'll regret it. sending a lot of love your way. you deserve the world. x