#im in a weird place rn lmao
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I need to draw gay people god help me
#just blahs#oifjfhhne f#im rotting#but idk what else i can even do#im in a weird place rn lmao#but i do move out in like . a week . so . hopefully once thats all done ill be normal again cnnemxmas
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actually yknow what heres what ive been working on in roblox for the past 2 days
#YEAH ITS. YEAH IDK.#ted lasso#yeah sure fuck it im tagging it :/ LMAO#its unfinished rn because im trying to do the layout mostly first and i just cannot for the life of me find a decent image of the ceiling i#the coaches' office to get an estimate as to how big the room is (im using the tiles to measure) so if anyone has a good photo PLEASEE GIVE#dont ask me why im doing this idk either but its been SO fun to do so far :3 <- full of agonies#im doing the text and stuff last... but it is so weird seeing the believe sign without the blue text on it huh#i can actually explain stuff as to how i 'measured' the place and how im having troubles with Measuring the office because theres like zero#full references for the rooms but honestly would anyone actually want to listen to me get more and more insane with each sentence LMAO#i keep on saying but alot huh. i love butts#edit: GRAAAH ILL JUST EYEBALL THE OFFICE LATER </3
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Was doing okay holding back all of the fear re: the potential election outcome until literally this second what the fuck to my brain lmao
#wherein lmao means I'm so scared and i cant stop crying rn#no one should have to fear this. not me nor anyone else nor the ppl who have already had to flee their homes worldwide#a person shouldn't have to worry abt violence being enacted upon them bc of who they are which like#obvi isn't a new concept to myself and most ppl but i feel like the folks who'll vote Trmp don't care for it#won't affect them in theory after all so of course they don't care#Housemate and I are trying to figure out where we could go and how in case of the worst#and it's not even the first time I'll have had to leave a place bc of safety reasons (two nickles on that already in my life)#but it doesn't make it any less daunting#i just want to live my life in our little house with Housemate and the cats working my shit job and trying to enjoy whatever i can#none of this matters and im shouting into a void full of equally terrified ppl dealing with this themselves if not worse#these tags don't make sense entirely and i don't care. i have things I should be doing and I'm sitting in my room#paralysed by fear over all of this#i should distract myself but with what? at what point do i accept the distractions can only do so much?#maybe I'll just take a nap again. idk. feels weird and wrong to play a video game or nap ordo anything that isn't trying to research options#i need to stop rambling here like im hoping time will pause while i type im out again lmao
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(genderly) chill as hell if i was only ever glimpsed / detected like this
#Shrouded In A Rectangle neither sleeves nor an open front to be besieged with? yes#just doing whatever else like doesn't matter. tee cargo shorts which is my best guess rn of my ideal outfit. + sandals Absolutely#unfortunately my hair could never do that. somehow neither am i yet like forties fifties? have i not been at this for eons?#i Can be like uh let's just nobody talk to me i'm busy pensively perceiving truths that you don't ever actually wanna hear about#just the other day it was like hey....a [way Having To Talk could be a difficulty / problem] was under my nose in this lifelong pattern#certainly noticing the Verbal Exchange Demand heaped upon burnout as like [delay delay delay struggle weariness stress]#but also who knows like spent plenty of time just probably indeed Not having to have such exchanges while burned out. not noting them#anyway like this isn't even [dysphoric Ideal Outfit until i could [whatever supposed even more ideal than that gender euphoria]]#though shoutout to that but like nah get shrouded anyway. the only [how do i look] im motivated to consider is: when it's a costume#when it's just me it's like. i guess whatever pants and a comfortable enough tee. need glasses. hair's w/e so cut quite short ig#might accessorize w/things that are fun to me like hey yeah yknow i might want a calculator watch#[yea as a kid it was like :( im actively appreciating the animals supposedly Gross or Bad] if i had hated little friends Sure yaay#if i had disorienting light effects like a pelagic creature. but you don't even need that. like hey i'm nd in real life. i got it#chat i'm in the walls too bestie lmao. if only my bigfoot pose reference Step was this good#tl;dr long rephrasing of my being like; now the gender slay....#& nodding & Noting when [worksheet exercise: what's your gender euphoria look?] is like shrug idk. but this is serving maximally to me; so#going Chat how can i up my uncanny stats. looking up ''isn't it like Uncanny knowledge e.g. so like why not....canny''#but i think the un canny is the Uncanniness Accuser's perspective. not of My ken. your literal weird one maybe#so again apt to be like jk i'm just autistic & shit; i got it....horror shit challenge impossible: Don't have sm typical mundane#[disability moment] as like Unsettling danger/malice cues. challenge impossible; again#subverted here like as [horror holding hands touching foreheads w/comedy] w/o Rescinding just casual disabled behavior/qualities#just remembered like three witches weird sisters etc macbeth. weird uncanny soothsaying gendering. word#anyway i should be shrouded (made no any connection whenever i put the blanket now over my head & shoulders in place min ago)#perhaps the real Ideal Look insight: i do not have any way i wish to be observed by people. secret passages / removed room anytime
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In case it's hard to read/understand: "If I had a nickel for every time I had a story with a blonde girl named after a plant, who has a German father and a French mother but absolutely hates said mom, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."
weird, extremely-specific tropes in my stories: pt 1
#oc liveblogging#ughhhhhhh i really CANNOT afford to be procrastinating rn but i know this happens when im extremelyyyyyy fucking stressed.#creative/art related classes always get me for this reason bc ill use 'wait but i need to find inspiration!' as an excuse to procrastinate.#fuckkkkkkkkkk. UGH IM NOT EVEN WRITING SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH ITS JUST A FINAL REVISION BUT IM CONVINCED IT SUCKS#the worst part is hkjhkjGHKJ I HAVE TO PRESENT SOME OF THIS SHIT AT AN. INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CONFERENCE GUYS. GUYSYSSSS#anyways this post is sadly not related to that. nothing im presenting is related to my ocs [un]fortunately lmao#ive just been thinking rotating various oc stories around in my head again ourgghhhh.#and i realized this LMAO. i mean maybe technically not 2 separate stories anymore because im recycling a lot from one for the other?#one of these was already established lowkey and the other was something i made for an assignment for a class like 2 years ago#i actually don't know if petunie will be blonde in her final incarnation?? ive always imagined her as silvery blonde ig but idk#if ill keep that. she doesnt have proper colors like colin but at least colin has his design set more straight somewhat.#and all the recent petunie development is lowkey really fucking funny to think abt. i girlbossed with her character development so#hard that she really replaced lucian as a protagonist HAHAJSDHKGJ. ok well not 100% kamille's story is a shoot-off#of lucian's technically? i guess? it started becoming that and now its solidified as that lowkey bc same town same place time period people#but man if im not careful i might accidentally make kamille/petunie's arc THE default one and lucian's main one the offshoot instead#a lot remains to be seen. but also yeah the other one who's story is mostly getting recycled (myrtille) actually ALSO HAD HER MOM#COME FROM THIS SAME FUCKING PLACE BASICALLY. a few decades later but still bruh given developments for lucian's story too its just like#at this point im noticing a pattern man wtf is wrong w/ women who come from this town specifically lol. 😔🥴#this town in general is just fucking cursed though i think ahkjshkg. i mean that jokingly and literally lolololl i gotta. work on it. but y#I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE WEIRD LITTLE FUCKING TOWNS WHERE BAD SHIT HAPPENS ALWAYS A CONSISTENT TROPE IN MY STORIES /silly#I DONT EVEN COME FROM A WEIRD LITTLE TOWN MY HOMETOWN IS LIKE. AVERAGE NORMALISH NOT SUPER LARGE??? IDFK?????#haaaaaaa fuck i need to finish this by the end of TODAY I S2G!!! SO I CAN MOVE ON TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT I OWE FUCKKKK
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i have to be one of the dumbest people alive
#this happens every single time like this entire week i was going insane out of my mind and i thought to myself haha this happens all the#time when im pmsing but im sure im just being irrational rn like this whole week. ive been whining and crying and cramping and hurting#in weird places and getting bloated and all these things and i was like well ig im just being hysterical maybe i need to go outside#and honestly going outside did help a little but today like. for so long i was like DAMN this really genuinely feels like im pmsing#like i could actually be on my period. it feels like it. LMAO. but i know thats not true 🥰. i went the whole day like that doing wudhu#and praying and reading quran like that thinking everything was fine because i was being irrational and guess what i found tonight 😐#i really dont understand how after this long of doing stupid shit like this i havent learned my lesson yet but here we are ig#hanancouldyounot
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I'm out of here bitches. After nearly 10 years of being treated like a cheap hand bag he finally cut the cord and is throwing me out! We love restarting our lives at 27! Yeehaw!
#im in such a weird place mentally rn LMAO#i am a fucked up person who made a lot of fucking mistakes that i will never feel guilt free from#but im not letting him fucking hurt me or control me any fucking more#if he wants evil ill be fucking evil
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tbh i miss when this fandom was just really fucking weird
#delete later if my brain decides this was a bad post lmao#but look listen i dont mean weird in like the Problematic Way i mean fucking weird in the sheer amount of AUs way#YEAH ppl look back on it and cringe and for good reason and YEAH there was a lot of wildly out of character takes running rampant BUT.#man it was so . goddamn fun ok#i could very well be wearing the Nostalgia Glasses but it is rlly strange seeing how much we've mellowed out since then#i rarely see characters kissing the evil versions of themselves anymore it breaka my heart#(granted that could be thriving in other places i wouldn't know lol i only use tumblr for fandom shit)#it just makes me think like. if we didnt get so crazy with the AUs i never would have made atbb#and therefore also would most likely not have the ocs and personal story i'm working on for myself#and also maybe i would have improved at a slower rate with my drawing & writing. hell maybe i wouldn't have fed those interests much at all#im rambling at this point its just. i am in a sentimental mood for cringe rn dont look at me <3
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WHY ARENT YOU IN THE NORTHEAST ME AND MY FRIEND GROUP WOULD ABSORB YOU INTO OUR FAMILY AND MAKE SURE U ALWAYS FELT SEEN FOREVER AND EVER AAAHHHH
i love u 😩 everyone who is so so nicey to me and wants to see me often live so far (〒﹏〒)
there r a few groups here I'm a part of but most of the members live IN the city so i can't make most of the meetups. pls can we meet somewhere w free street parking that doesn't take an hour to drive to even though I'm only 9 miles away...
#maybe when i move to my next place I'll try organizing an event there. but hm#i am betting 95% of them don't drive n would have to bus over or somethn. idk 😐 Greater [City] Area livin sucks sometimes!#though not as bad as actually having to live in the city 😮💨 the closer u are to downtown the worse everything is lol#anyways yeah im just in a weird transitional period >.< dw abt me ♡ i just can't go out as often as I'd like#after i move things won't b as expensive n i can be the lil social butterfly i am 🦋 it's been reassuring to see how many ppl r#sweet to me n love to talk to me n stuff when i go run my little errands ‹: more often than not something nice happens when i go out#i think i mainly just need to be able to go out more lmao. but i can't rn so idk!!! working w what i have but trying not 2 burden anyone#by being too needy n Relying on them 😩 but they're not rly the emotionally available type so i couldn't even if i tried
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Currently thinking about all of the kind anons I've ever gotten
It's such a sweet thing, sending anonymous positivity
And my god does it help on Bad Brain Nights like tonight
I'm kissing all of you on the mouth about it 💚
#ignore me im just in a weird emotional place rn#my routine getting fucked with fucks me up so much lmao
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story time with sari 😀
#im working on my CV rn and it made me rmb my first job at uni and how it ended and oh god why#i had to quit bc my mental health was so fucking shitty i couldnt deal with the work load so i went to one of my colleagues whos-#responsible for us student workers and i told him i had to quit and he asked why and i said bc of my health bc i cant lie but also didnt-#wanna tell the full truth and he very carefully asked whats wrong and i said i didnt wanna talk abt it was so awkward#AND THEN#at the time he wasnt only a phd student but also doing his psychotherapy training (insane man) and he happened to work at the practice-#where i went to get therapy at the time so basically what happened was that i sat in the waiting area and suddenly he comes walking around-#the corner and we just look at each other like 👁👄👁#and he left bc he was with a client but ten minutes later he came back super nervous and reassured me that hes under-#patient therapist confidentiality and that he wont tell anyone at work that he saw me there etc etc and it was NICE#but it was also . such a weird situation and my lil anxious mind was like well at least he knows i wasnt fucking lying !#why would he think that in the first place but oh well dhjdjdk#anyways i just got reminded of this bc i read the certificate i got from working there and it said i quit out of my own choice hdjdj#ah memories#also reminded me how im in a much better place now mentally which is nice bc i felt rock bottom yesterday lmao#okay story time with sari is over i gotta get back to writing that CV
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#is it mature of me to post negative comments left on my fics? no#is it fun to share the weird/crazy/trolling comments I get? yeah lol#lets unpack whats going on here#so basically this person's sending insults and threats....to get me to leave positive reviews on their ''friend's'' stories#am I understanding that right?#on what planet would this tactic work? other than on like. a kid#also what year is it? who tf uses the word flame anymore? and who tf still calls upon critics united in 2023?#also having my fics posting to a ''flaming community'' is also supposed to be a threat apparently#as if I don't already knowmy writing is dogshit lmao#but like....I'm just gonna delete the comment and move on with my life. that's also an option that I'm def selecting#because none of this matters?#idc if my writing gets trolled#like once or twice I'll share that stuff (like rn) but in the longrun Im not gonna care#Im still gonna write. I write for myself#I share my fics in case anybody would like them (and I have at least 5 fans so that's more than I need to be motivated)#also I could care less if my account or fics get deleted from ff.net because that site is terrible#I haaaaate navigating it both on desktop and on the mobile app#I think it'd actually be doing me a favor if someone deleted all my shit from there lol. one less place to post to#next time somebody wants to threaten me with getting deleted from a platform do it on a more respectable website. like AO3#because this whole thing's just a joke to me#also Im certain the''friend'' is the one sending these anonymous comments to people including me#evidence: their account was made in 2012 (explains the commenter's use of the words flame and critics united)#next piece of evidence: all of the fandoms they write for a spaces for minors#(teen titans. the lion kind/lion guard. wordgirl. littlest pet shop. warriors. etc)#I glanced thru quite a few of these fics for shits and giggles and they're....not good. no details and nothing compelling in them#so the person would probably want to put others down to make them feel superior#especially minors. because they're easy to scare and make feel bad#honestly this whole thing is just dumb and sad#anyways hope you guys get a kick outta this as much as I did#I'm gonna go back to writing now. new Moon High chapter coming out soon!
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rant ahead lmao but uh. its bizarre realizing
ive molded my whole persona after one person thinking they were the ideal human being and the epitome of success. and me not thinking. oh this Probably isnt very healthy and will cause me anxiety down the line. and said person i was molding myself after probably meant well but also got a certain satisfaction from someone that just nodded after any idea they thought was worthwhile pursuing For Me and probably boosted their ego because there's a fine line between high self esteem and narcissism (because you need some narcissism if you're going to get far in this kind of field ig) and i thought i managed to escape narcissism in my life already but it turns out ive been living with another one all this time just makes this whole identity crisis of mine feel fucking weird but i know they genuinely do love me and want the best for me and are well meaning its just that theyve pretty much carved out who i am from the get go and im sure they're aware of that
#and now that i know all that#i can just hear the entitlement with my role model. the blatant Do You Know Who I Am attitude and im cringinf because this used to be#the most ideal person ever. to me. because they were incredibly successful in their field#and now that ive laid this all out i feel weird even being in the same place as them#my whole career is basically laid out in bullet points in front of them#which is. fine. ig. security is hard to come by in life and whats a little pretending#is what i WOULD say before but now its just a little weirdchamp#i dont know. i cant see where the me starts and where they begin. they were pretty much there for all my formative years#nudging ideas to me and because i had placed them on a pedastal ive pretty much integrated anything theyve given me into my worldview lmao#They Care for me. obviously. jfc theyve trained me atp. its just that rn my brain just has a bit of spicy cognitive dissonance#and now that theyre not the most perfect person ever i just feel. used. in a way#wow the places you go with therapy#sorry i just. wanted to place this somewhere. and no one gives s shit in tum*lr#and i like that about this hellsite. im just a guy. its comfortable just being a guy and not. a replica#anyway this is tmi#thank you gamers i just needed that off my chest haha
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im not gonna say you cant use the n word w a hard r on a almost fully anonymous tumblr account where you claim to be black-
I will say that it makes you 100% more suspicious and worth keeping an eye out on you bc usually its neo nazis pretending to be black that spam saying the n word w an r and use tumblrs weird trust for almost fully anonymous accounts to their advantage to get away w it
you can say it, but, if you Are a neo nazi pretending to be black, I will say, you're not doing a good job of convincing me rn that you actually are.
#got too excited you could get away w saying it ey?#inb4 'PeOpLe aLwAyS DeMaNd yOu GiVe YoUr LiFe sToRy-' bs- babe--- i wouldn't have cared or even noticed or even remarked on it#if you said it w an a. its more believable at least. lmao.#and I say bs bc ik its likely a neo nazi and ik they know that we say that a lot on tumblr- that ppl dont owe u every detail of their life#- and ik a neo nazis one of the least trustworthy people in the world so ofc they would abuse that line to get away w saying the n word#w a hard r around a bunch of progressives who have so little info about you that they dont know if they get the right to feel uncomfortable#when you say it- but personally im not built like that and i will tell you rn im uncomfortable w you saying it and idc what excuse you give#doesnt mean you hafta do whatever i say. just means I actually take a stance on shit unlike a lot of easily manipulated tumblr users.#i mean come on. its a neo nazis wet dream to run around a progressive (well. given recent events- supposedly progressive) space#and say slurs unchecked by said progressives. its one of their favorite ways of having you shut up. even if it is all done in secrecy#like the cowardly bitch made bitch built bitches they are. theyd never do it off anon or with their face exposed.#they simply cant take the heat. so the only way this type of person can feel like they've won is when they do manipulative shit like this i#secret. which is just so so sad. this is how ik the nazis are gonna lose. you're too much of a cowardly bitch to say it in front of#progressives with your whole chest.#why're you so scared? afraid you might be outnumbered? afraid you might not win as many ppl over as you think you will?#i mean cmon nows the perfect time to take the mask off right? perfect time to radicalize leftists? surely there shouldnt be#an issue waving your red flag huh? come on now. dont be shy. why are you scared? afraid you might reveal to the leftists you're#trying to indoctrinate that you're actually a hateful pos? and that you've been manipulating them to hate jewish ppl?#nah you're right joshua tyler stevenson it's probably a better idea to hide in the shadows like a bitch.#you're black on the notoriously white website? yeah. ok#i mean im sure theres just so many black ppl just dying to be here. thats why most black ppl ik hate this site 😒 for sure dawg i believe u#i mean ig if there were ever a place for a black nationalist to roam unchecked it'd be here though... generally they stick to twitter ime#its just hard to believe when I seldom see black ppl on here to begin w and most of the ones I do see are just like. normal people#w/o weird fucked beliefs. and if you are black- i think its really interesting that the black ppl with black nationalist beliefs almost#never show their faces in any capacity ever while other normal black ppl do. what are you scared of? afraid ppl irl will recognize u#and laugh?? or is it that... you're not actually a black person......... so far professor flowers is the only internet black nationalist#who's dared to show their face that ik of.
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...
#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals#and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away#from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird#ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas#there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil#lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit#like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside#all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶#maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha#ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i#dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January#so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes#just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im#afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see#me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over#im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol#i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful#unrelated
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Depression talk// a little heavy + dont RB lmao??
Tfw u dont want to be alive but u also dont want to be dead rather in fact a secret 3rd thing
#vent //#it's not Heavy Heavy stuff but it is still p heavy so like... ik not everyone wants to be subjected to that lmao#saurry its really just been like that lately!!#im doin my best 2 work thru it but man sm days its rlly fuckin hard to work past this weird state of apathy yknow#lots of stuff going on lately and just. familial issues compounded on top of it#im not in the best place mentally rn lbh!!!#delete later //
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