#im in a lot of physical and emotional pain but thats not really big news because it is sunday after all

[shreddeddescent]

What are Jennika, Venus, and Kirby like?

AHHHHHHHHH they're wonderful...... fucking wonderful tbh. hhhhhhhh

im debating on if i wanna let yall in on just how crazy ive gotten and show you like them explain it themselves. but its hhhhhh its a lot and theres other bits that arent so fun so i dont really want to rn cuz i wanna gush.

they were raised in some other dimension by draxum, who worked for big mama. draxum was essentially raphs doctor while you know. with eggs. but he took them away afterwards, raised to be warriors to protect the hidden city from vague demoney alternate dimensions hit, idk the details yet.

draxum wasnt the best but grew into a good parent for them so theyre okay. more okay than the brothers are for sure. but they grew curious about where they came from and did travel to that exact time when they were around 18, had some boundary issues, read big mama's therapy files on them and spiralled over how fucked up their origins were. debated going back in time to try and prevent their own existence. but draxum had to sit them down and tell them it wasnt their fault. so thats its own whole thing.

but theyre all 28 now. and theyve processed a lot more of it, but feel like 'hey, these kids arent okay at all, and they seem trapped in big mama's hotel. and we are adults with the ability to help. and also maybe some small part of us knows this is our family, we're clones, we're siblings. lets try to just be that.'

kirby is a hulking behemoth of a turtle man, like 7 and a half feet tall very wide very strong very good at being a warrior. never gave anything else much thought. he's kind of like.... what shredder fucking wanted out of that whole situation. perfect son, perfect general. but hes also a little shy with his feelings. he's kind of the leader, the one with the plan, the one who gets frustrated when his sisters get distracted and do other shit instead. he looks a lot like raph. but hes a male so raph cant see that at all. he's pretty quiet but hes very funny when he tries to be.

venus was taught magic when it became clear fighting wasnt a thing she was gonna physically be able to do. physically she's weak, her body looks a bit deformed. the magic came with a kind of accessibility for her, so she floats to ease the pain. she's very introspective and assumes people know just as much as her, tends to ramble on about things without realizing everyones lost. shes a lot like donnie like that, and realizing thats where she gets it makes her go 'ugh... of course this is your fault' but shes very sweet. little bit of boundary issues, cuz she may or may not be able do mind magic, but she knows to ask permission.

jennika is goofy and kind, a bit scatter brained, but very protective. shes the most easy going, but she's also the most emotional one. has the most confused feelings over raph specifically, probably just as excited to meet a trans turtle as he was. let alone cuz theyre family. but yeah, she's very fun loving and absolutely the problem child of the bunch, the one most likely to not follow orders and get into trouble. absolute coolest big sister alive vibes for sure.

again, theyre very much like 'oh, these kids are our family in whatever they need us to be, and we're gonna fucking be here for whatever they need'. like theyre so nice. and things are so weird. but theyre here to be like. the first grown ups to be kind to these kids without expecting anything out of them. cuz thats a new fucking concept!

but really. theyre big siblings, thats how we're gonna try and explain the vibes of what they are to them.

[keons]

.

[bookwyrminspiration]

No thoughts only Keefe training under Elwin to become a healer.

Just think about it, for a while now I feel as if Keefe has seen himself as someone whoes only capable of destruction. Growing up he sort of defaulted to chaos and pranks, and doesnt really seem to put any thought into the more intimate stuff if you know what I mean? (I haven't read the books in a bit so forgive me if I'm wrong but : Ex : I feel like if a friend of his were to be hurt, his immediate reaction would be "how can I punish the person who hurt my friend" (that sounds so intense but yknow its normally like, mostly harmless prank) rather than "what can I say to this person to make them feel better)

And he says things along the lines of "Im not good with this emotion stuff" multiple times in the first few books, despite literally being an empath and also..not...really ...being that bad...at comforting people. (sometimes). Which just further goes into the point of seeing destructive" nature n such.

THATS A LONG RANT BUT I JUST WANNA SEE HIM UNLEARNING THAT STUFFF

(also with his new ability ,, ik we've mostly seen the harmful things it can do, but given how vauge it is I cant imagine it would be hard to turn it into a positive thing (once he gets more control))

oh I do love a good healer!keefe, especially when it comes with a healthy dose of Dadwin.

I think I understand what you're talking about in that first part, with how he's an agent of chaos and trouble and generally makes things worse/messes them up and that's just how he sees himself now. Which is an interesting contrast with his status as the artist of the group as well, though he does undersell his talents in that area. He dismisses the things he can create because he associates himself with so much trouble and pain that of course he couldn't make anything beautiful. I suppose another way to phrase it is that he's not delicate. He's precise and methodical (at times), but his existence is not gentle. And because of that, he's not great at being intimate either. He can't approach it soothing and attentive, he just ends up barreling into those situations and being vague as he desperately and frustratedly tries to back out of it. That's in part Shannon making his thoughts/emotions obvious for us as the readers and using the excuse that Sophie is oblivious and that's why she doesn't notice what to us is so obvious, but we can also attribute it to how clumsy Keefe is--not physically, but more socially. For an empath, he's really not that great at relationships (I don't mean this romantically, I mean any relationship he has).

Just realized that you said something about him being bad at emotions despite being an empath. That's what I get for just going ahead with the first thought I think of without reading everything!! He just doesn't view himself positively at all! Keefe is walking around here like I am a disaster in elven form and sees what he wants to see instead of who he is. he sees himself as disruptive and unhelpful (he does think he can help, just not in the ways people want him to) and no matter what he does he'll rework whatever happens to fit with his view of himself and the world. If he found someone breaking down and crying and offered the most comforting, perfect words of support, he'd walk away from that encounter convinced he hadn't done enough, that someone else could do it better.

That's a big thing with his character, too! Comparing himself to others. A lot of comparing himself to Fitz, some comparing himself to Tam, and maybe some Dex but that one not as much. He's constantly finding ways to tell himself that he's not worth anything and that there are people who are better than him and more capable than him and people he can never live up too. He's setting that up in his mind so no matter what happens he'll take it as reinforcement of that belief.

That was a lot of Keefe analysis without talking about the healer aspect of it, but I wonder if Keefe could find ways to appreciate and accept himself by telling others to do the same. Because he would never tell anyone else to treat themselves the way he's treating himself, so I think it's something he hasn't even realized yet. And one day there might be that little click of oh. all these people I'm helping and I'm trying to get them to stop thinking like me, yet I'm letting myself go on like this. And if he's alongside Elwin I know he would've been trying to teach Keefe this and slowly incorporate the unlearning into his daily life and letting Keefe figure it out on his own. Because as soon as something looks like help Keefe shies away from it, so instead of outright helping, Elwin set Keefe up to help himself. Boom.

That's another thought I have about Keefe sometimes, the ways people say like "oh he needs therapy," which is true but also...not? This is just my personal opinions on the subject nor am I trying to discredit the effectiveness of therapy! I just know that a lot of therapy being effective is the openness and willingness to engage with it, to take what you're told and apply it to your life and be honest about it with others. Maybe a better way to phrase it is that Keefe needs the lessons taught in therapy and the benefits of therapy, without actually going to therapy. Because I really don't think he'd be open to the idea of talking to someone and engaging in the experience. But then again, that's just my personal opinions on the nuance of it all!

So perhaps by becoming a healer, he could learn those lessons and unlearn what he "knows" (doesn't actually know just thinks it's true) about himself that way. Just a thought though. By helping others he learns to help himself in a way that enables him to be more open, if that makes sense.

as for the ability, he really did panic and make an impulse decision (that he himself said he would regret) before the full scope of what is actually is was realized. He saw a possible potential it could have and went nope!! it didn't have time to settle, to solidify, to express itself in any other way that what he saw as negative. That ties back into seeing himself as destructive no matter what, as well. he sees this ability as negative no matter what, regardless of what he does with it. I will admit that his panicked slippery slope reasoning does irk me a little, like he gives his mom way too much credit (in my opinion) for what she could've done to him. She did two very broad things, hitting him with light and dark at the same time and he somehow thinks it has the precision for her to accurately make a super specific ability?? He's out here like "oh no she's made it so I can predict people's abilities and force them to manifest so she can take advantage of the entire population and she has this whole plan with that specific ability as the key." Like...no. I do not believe that for a single second, Keefe.

On the one hand he was panicking and it was really easy to see these wildly impossible things as conceivable, but on the other hand he really went out there. This is a personal grievance though

but back to the original topic!! I think Keefe would be a fascinating character to have as a healer for a variety of reasons, so thanks for bringing up the topic again! there's so many different avenues to explore !!

[shyrose57]

YOO BROTHERS ANON BACK FROM THE DEAD? My phone started to fucking die half way (like extreme lag, keyboard stopped working at times, sudden shut offs, etc) and I was too scared to work on this in fear it'd get deleted. But im fucking back and have a new phone so I was able to finally finish. Plus after I finished the Brothers AU stuff I decided I hated Tip of The Iceburg AU lore and wanted to redo it so held off til I got that mostly done. I'm also trying to redo From Future to Past a lil bit but thats going slowly and decided I already waited way to long. Some other stuff happened as well like falling out of the fandom (Breath of The Wild and Linked Universe I got into and am actually still kinda in) then getting tossed back in but, anyway there's some smaller details I left out of Rans time living in the wild but everything here is the big stuff. 

Keep in mind most of this happens when he's just 13. And he never acknowledges or treats his trauma, leaving it to build and affect him more and more over time. 

When Ran first steps out of Mizu and into the world, he has nothing but a sword at his back and a book with little information on how to survive at his hip. The book really only provides him how to make certain things (like tools) and some basic information (Spiders are passive in daytime, how to farm, and basic information about each nether biome). The book acts more like a brief overview of the overworld and little information on how to survive than an actual survival book. Because of this the book is basically useless, Ran eventually uses it as a way of marking down notes and ripping out papers to cover wounds and tie things. He quickly learns that sleeping in high places (like a tree or a hole in a mountain) is the safest possible place to sleep, as no mobs or people can get him. Though due to the nights of constant screaming from mobs, his own internal fighting, and eventual hunting, he develops insomnia and paranoia. Leaving him unable to close his eyes in fear of being ambushed, believing himself to be forever unsafe and in danger. When he does manage to sleep he keeps his weapons nearby (like in his hand or under his pillow) and jumps awake at the slightest sound. 

He moves around constantly, never staying in one place for more than 2 weeks. He eventually finds a snow biome and after seeing the little amount of mobs and knowing the snow is to deep for any sane human to try to travel through, he decides to stay there for a entire year and a half before moving again. During this time he grows both physically and mentally. He goes from being a small, lithe 5'5 13 year old to being a strong 6'7 15 year old. He also uses this time to come to terms with what happened and swear revenge against Ranbob for everything he's been through and everyone who's died. Even when Ran came to terms with what his brother did, the promise "Ill never abandon you." Continues to ring in his head, which does nothing but fuel his hatred, believing his brother has been lying to him ever since he was a child. While also growing his knowledge on the world and his survival knowledge, becoming an almost perfect survivalist. 

When he was first alone and dealing with all the emotions brought upon him, he finds out he's hunted very suddenly. He first approached Raq (who he didn't know at the time) when he was desperate and fresh out of Mizu, asking him if there's any nearby town or city or really anything. Raq pretends to want to help Ran and let's him stay at his camp, giving him food and a warm place to sleep. But its 2 full days later, deep in the night when Raq finally trys to attack him, aiming to incapacitate him. But Ran is able to escape him and run away but not without a injury. 

During the fight Raq manages to hit him, specifically on his left ear. He manages to cut deep, but not deep enough, leaving the top of his ear just barely hanging on. Ran runs away and actually has a bit of a head start due to him tripping Raq. But Raq manages to follow/track him, due to the blood flowing out of Rans ear. Ran eventually realizes Raq is tracking him by the blood trail he's leaving, so he stops, steals himself, and rips off the remaining part of his ear, barely holding back a yell, then Ran pushes his hand down on the wound and continues to run. Raq finds the ear and simply hums, intrigued by the lengths Ran will go to escape, before turning around, deciding to let Ran escape this time, because he knows he'll see him again. Ran continues to run, terrified and borderline crying due to the fear and pain. For the next 3 days he believes he is still being followed by Raq so he continues to run, never resting until he eventually collapses from exhaustion. His ear eventually heals over but never grows back, it becomes a reminder of the fact he is being constantly hunted by people and will never escape them. 

Ran encounters Raq a total of 32 times during his time living out in the wild. And every time Ran manages to get away, though sometimes more injured than others. Eventually it gets to the point Raq greets Ran like a old friend. After their 3rd encounter Raq starts to bring others with him, eventually he has 5 others helping him hunt Ran. Though Ran grows and is able to either outwit them by using traps or is just simply able to avoid them most of the time. Though he still gets hit at times, once he made a mistake and a trap failed, leading to him getting stabbed and passing out cause blood loss.

The Nether is less than kind to Ran but kinder than the overworld. He gets shot a lot from both ghasts and skeletons. And almost falls into lava multiple times. He gets stabbed and trips more times than he can count. But he actually manages to make acquaintance with the Piglins he meets due to him being polite to them and giving them gold for nothing in return. He actually is close enough to them to get directions for free and is even given resistance potions when Ran states he is leaving and not coming back as a farewell and stay safe gift. He ends up staying in the Nether for much longer than a normal person would and becomes adapt at traversing and surviving in it. It almost becomes his safe spot because the hunters have never followed him into the Nether. He would've lived there if he could, but due to the heat he isn't used too and the fact he just despised Ghasts more than the hunters, and they were everywhere in there, he didn't stay. But would often vist. Eventually he found netherite which he quickly covered his first and only diamond sword with. His sword also had the enchantments, sharpness 2, unbreaking 3, and sweaping edge. Over time and use the enchantments dimmed, only faintly remaining. At this point Ran had to flee his snow biome house due to a sudden attack, leaving behind the materials he needed to fix the enchantments and his sword. So he abandoned using it, but kept it cause it helped him through years of fighting, he can't exactly drop and leave it.

Extra stuff I couldn't find a way to fit in:

-Ran manages to find a village but actually gets kicked out cause he punches the blacksmith for upping the price of an iron sword.

-Ran slowly grows more cold, uncaring, rude, and harsh over time due to trauma. He doesn't realize he became this way due to untreated trauma until he arrives to The Pit where Watson is able to help him start to slowly heal. Which is why he becomes more open and joking in The Pit because he feels safe and loved. 

-When the group leaves The Pit he becomes cold and hard again due to habit. Its his way of subconsciously defending himself.

-His body is covered in scars due to the hunters and his brushes with mobs. 

-Ran knows how to tailor his own clothes and has made many different kinds of clothes, all designed for certain biomes. 

-Ran never farmed, he always hunted.

-Ran never really built anything, instead he preferred to dig into the side of a mountain or make shelter in a cave. Its only in the snow biome did he actually build a house. And even then it was very clearly meant to be a temporary house. Though he did end up living there longer than he intended. 

-He was at first extremely reluctant to kill, but was forced to kill hunters and animals multiple times. To the point he became almost numb to it and wouldn't hesitate to kill if he was threatened. 

-He would sometimes dream about his family only for it to end with them being slaughtered, which really messed him up and he would just lay in bed mindlessly every time it happened. These dreams still happen. 

Also a edit to when the brothers met in the Pit, Ran actually gets his hands on a broken trident accidentally left in the arena (its the front end only, and the middle spike is shorter than the rest due to a error when being made) and ends up tripping Ranbob then stabbing the trident into the ground over him (if that makes sense?), actually trapping Ranbob, with the middle spike just above his throat, leaving him unable to move unless he wants to cut his neck and trapped on the ground. 

Tip of The Iceburg:

So Karl's watch is still damaged. And Isaac is still the one to convince him to seek help from the others. But midway through the meeting Phil speaks up, mentioning how he found a book in a ruined village that had a replica of Karl's Watch etched into the cover, but is in a language he's never seen. After passing it around the table no one recognizes it. Everyone's discouraged until Foolish suggests they look for the other Travelers (what ima call the Tales people) and maybe one of them will know. Eventually, with picture pinning of supposedly who could be in their world, they all split off into groups to look. Ran is still the first found, but when he's shown the book he actually confirms a part of it is in a old enderman language that fell off long ago, he's able to translate half of that section but says that Ranbob, who studied old languages much more thoroughly than Ran can do the rest (cause here their still brothers but nothing in Brothers AU happened). Giving everyone hope. Eventually Ranbob gets found and translates the rest, but a great amount is still untranslated, which is a problem. So now its a journey of finding more people and mixing languages to find out the rest. 

A sudden twist to the story happens when Billiam joins, and due to his experience with the egg is actually able to translate a random page in the back of the book (the egg made its own language to prevent its plans being discovered). Where they find out the egg is what broke Karls watch, because to it humans are nothing but entertainment, and it gets joy seeing them suffer and wants to mess with their lives. When it gets revealed to the rest of the SMP what the page says, everyone gets pissed. And even when its found how to get the Travelers home they refuse to leave until the egg is destroyed, a few are mad at it and want revenge, others are scared and want to try to prevent it from coming into their time. Karl eventually relents and lets them join in making a plan to take down the egg.  

Also have some fluff scenarios with the brothers since its been a while:

-There's two types of resistance potions in their world, fire resistance and water resistance. The latter of which the brothers have memorized how to make. Their friends do not know water resistance exists. Which leads to the brothers pranking their friends by drinking some then jumping into a lake. Giving Watson a heartattack and making Isaac sob. The two quickly reemerge seeing their reactions and calm them and reassure them. After the explanation you can bet they got a talking too and where grounded. 

-Ran teaches Ranbob to fight!

-Ranbob teaches Ran to fish, Ran complains the entire time. 

-Ranbob responds by threatening to teach Ran how to farm. Ran stops complaining after that….mostly

-Everyone has found the brothers either asleep against each other or one asleep on the other at least twice. 

-*insert Arthur get out of the tank meme but instead it's Ranbob trying to get Ran out of a tree so he can greet people.*

-Ran has his first night in years without a nightmare! 

Now something else I'm planning to work on soon: What happened to Ranbob after Ran left Mizu?

I hope me sending stuff is still ok after so long of sending nothing. 

Good to have you back, Brothers Anon! And sorry to hear about your phone, that sounds like it must've a day.

--------

Brothers AU:

I see we're back to Traumatize The Brothers Time, fantastic.

The fact that Ran has these items on him is interesting. Did he just have them with him when he was fleeing? Did he have the time to grab them? Was he preparing ahead? What led to him having these useful tools on hand when he was forced to flee?

How does he fare with mobs, being a mob hybrid himself? I think it's somewhat been implied that he's good with Endermen, but what about others?

How do the gladiator gang go about helping with his insomnia and paranoia, if they are aware of it?

What's it like for him during his time in the snow-biome, since he's there for awhile? Does he make a more-permanent camp/shelter? Do anything particularly interesting?

Poor Ran! That must've been quite the shock for him, and I imagine it didn't help his trust issues.

How does he get to the Nether? Does he have a base there? What do the piglins think of him, and vice versa? How does the Nether life effect him overall?

What happened to those materials left behind? Where they discovered? Does he manage to go back and get them on the roadtrip? Do they visit his homes on the trip?

How does the group react to his sudden change when they're leaving? What kind of clothes does he make? Does he ever make some for the others? Does he enjoy it, or is it just because it's necessary?

How do the fishermen feel about the close call with the trident, and what happens to the weapon?

------------

Tip Of the Iceberg:

I don't remember if this was mentioned before, but was it Karl's watch that caused the issue then? Who wrote the book? Does the egg have a connection with them?

How do they fare with their plans to take down the Egg(and potentially the Eggpire, if that's a thing here)? How do those with previous experience with Egg feel about this, and what part do they play?

--------

Fluff! At long last!

I love how their thought process went to that. 'We can make water resistance potions, lets jump in a lake in front of our friends'.

That sounds like it should be entertaining.

Ranbob knows how to farm?

That's such a funny mental image. 'Ran, get out of the tree, you have to socialize'. 'Hissing'.

Yay, good for him!

Ooo, what?

Always.

[albino-whumpee]

An old thing 4

First

Continued from here

Possibly the angstiest part of this. Not much whump really.

I´m gonna go ahead and tag @the-host-and-colton for this one. It´s not the BBU but I suppose the Boxies with babies dynamic is there. “Baby doesn´t understand the situation but the parents do” kinda thing. Excuse the ping!

CW// Dehumanization, slavery, human trafficking, forced breeding, mentions of past dub con and non con, blood, implied and mention of past whump of minors, hazing, noncon child separation, creepy and explosive whumpers, physical and emotional abuse.

Everything will be tagged and if there´s tags to be added, tell me please.

After five years, Kit was a rowdy little boy. Running around with a smile on his face at all times. You wouldn’t think he was a slave if it wasnt for the thin black collar on his neck.

In how obedient he turned with his masters. Even though he didn’t understand the concept yet.

“Master? Why are Roahn and Shy here?” Kit asked Danae once. Layo and Danae weren’t mom and dad. They were master. But for his little mind it was just the same thing.

“To serve you and us, Kit. You will understand it better when you grow up”

“Alright” Kit said watching Roahn taking care of the garden with her big bump “Master? Will I be able to play with Roahn’s baby?” Kit asked again.

“No more questions Kit” She said annoyed. The kid was quiet but he still looked at Roahn with curiosity.

-

“Roahn?” Kit asked the woman being hugged by Dimitri in their floor mat. She woke up as it was the middle of the night, and when she saw him, he shook Dimitri awake. They sat in the other side of the cell.

“Hey there Kit” Dimitri smiled at the toddler.

“Hi Shy” Kit said.

“What is it Kit? Are you hurt?” Roahn said stretching her arm for the kid to hold her hand through the bars. The kid took it.

“I am cold upstairs. So I thought you were very cold here too. Its always chilly down here” the kid grabbed the blanket he had carried all the way down and gave it to Dimitri. “I dont want the baby to be cold”.

They looked at each other with a pained and proud expression.

“Do you…wanna see how she moves?” Roahn asked the toddler who instantly put a smile on his face.

Roahn went close to the cell and told the kid to get closer. Kit did. She grabbed his tiny hand and put it on her abdomen. Curiously she moved. As if the little one inside her knew.

“She’s rowdy!” Kit said. The word coming from how Layo would call him sometimes. Kit was an smart boy.

“Yes she is!” Roahn laughed along.

“I cant wait to play with her!” Dimitri and Roahn went stiff “I mean, if I can…” Kit cleared up sensing their discomfort.

Roahn took his hand into hers and gave it a little kiss.

“Of course you can” she said looking at her son in the same hazel eyes she had. His worries escaped his face to be turned into smiling.

“What would you call her, Kit?” Dimitri asked him.

Kit reflexed for a bit, looking at the ceiling.

“Bunnie!” He said “oh! Or Sara! Or Emi!”

“Where did you take those names from?” Dimitri giggled. They were good names.

“Master is writing a new book. I am a character there too!” He said proudly.

“Oh? You are?” Dimitri said, resting his chin in one hand. Roahn thought it had been a long time since she saw him smile like that. Not since Olivia.

“Yes! I am a dog!” Dimitri stopped right there with a shocked face. He cracked a humorless laugh. He really hated Layo for doing that sick joke.

“Do you like dogs Kit?” He asked anyways.

“Yes!! Sadly master doesn’t like them…” Kit pouted.

“Hey Kit, what if I told you there’s a place where you could have a lot of dogs?” Dimitri asked him Roahn looking at him.

“Eh?! Really? Where’s that?” Kit asked getting closer.

“I can take us there but I need you to tell me something. I only will ask you to see one thing everyday ok?” He said getting closer to him. The camera and the microphone were not a problem. They had been tricked for years.

“Everyday?”

“Yes”

“What?”

“If you ever see big men with black suits tell me what day they come in alright? Or if master says something about an auction tell me. And then we will go to that place, Alright?” Dimitri said. Roahn wasn’t sure if the kid had gotten all, but Kit was smarter than they could see.

He already knew how to read.

“An auction? Like last time?”

Dimitri couldn’t help himself from looking down for a bit.

“Yes, Kit. Like last time. Would you do that for us?” She asked him calmly.

“Ok. I will tell you” Kit said. “Im going to sleep. Goodnight” Kit said going away.

“Wait!” Dimitri yelled, the kid turned back.

“Thanks for the blanket” Roahn said covering her and Shy.

“We love you Kit” Dimitri said. The kid didnt know how to take that and just blushed before running off.

Dimitri and her laid down again. After a moment, the woman’s arms squeezed him lightly.

“Are you sure?” Roahn asked him.

“We cant let this slip off again, Roahn” he said.

“You have changed” she told her “I remember you telling me you didnt have bad thoughts about your owners”

Dimitri embraced her stronger dipping his face into her neck.

“Ivan was all I had. And he was taken from me. He was killed by a bunch of brainless fuckers. I told myself I wouldn’t fixate on his dead. And tried to forget. But when that happened…” Roahn reached for his hand and squeezed “I knew I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I cant let this freaks fuck with us anymore. We have to go before the auction. Much more longer before that”

“Three months” Roahn said “after she’s born, three months and we will go”

“In that time I’ll have it all ready” Dimitri kissed her shoulder “I wont fail this time” he said as she smiled.

His face had a big scar that went all the way from his cheekbone to his neck.

Layo had tried to cut his carotid when they tried to escape the first time. And he almost succeeded.

-

The baby was born a week later. Kit was amazed by the baby’s arrival. Apparently her name was Jen. Although Kit thought how Bunnie would have had suit her better he went on. For him Dimitri was the only way of knowing how she was doing. Kit was a curious child so he would ask him lots of questions. Dimitri had received some education but many of his questions beat him. At those times he would pat him and tell him the library had a book about that day’s question they could read together.

Sometimes, when they knew there was no one in the house but them, he let Kit sit on his leg.

By now Dimitri and Roahn had to wear clothes at all times except when their genitals were required. They weren’t that used to be so covered but definitely it was warmer. And less humiliating. But the mounting…those were nights were those rules didn’t matter.

“How is Jen and Roahn?” Kit asked him.

“They’re ok. Jen is a very healthy baby. You would love her” Dimitri said.

“I would have loved if she was named Bunnie though…” the kid pouted. Dimitri laughed.

“You know my name isn’t Shy?” He said the kid opening his eyes amused.

“Then what’s your name?”

“Dimitri” He said with a bitter sweet smile. It was the name his brother had gave him. He wanted to tell him to call him dad, but right now that was too risky.

“What a pretty name! Why are you called Shy by Master then?” Kit asked. Dimitri pursed his lips together and touched his scar.

“Its a nickname”

“Nick…?”

“A name only good friends call each other”

“But you don’t like Master at all…”

“Well, some nicknames are for people you don’t like” he giggled wryly.

“Hey, Sh—Dimitri, what does “slave” mean?” The kid asked him, getting his full attention.

“Master called me that the other day when I dropped a bit of juice. I dont know if its a good nickname…” Dimitri held him strong.

“You dont need to know that Kit” he said to him “You’re a good boy ok?”

Kit thought about the many times he had been called bad things and found comforting he said that. So he hugged back.

They stayed there like that for a while.

—

At night, report.

“They havent mentioned it yet then Kit?” Dimitri asked him from the other side of the cell. Kit shook his head, his curly black hair flopping.

“Thats perfect. And what is master doing on thursday?”

“They have their cocktail party and go early” kit said. Dimitri was making mental notes.

“When do they go on their trip?” Dimitri asked him looking up.

“On sunday”

Dimitri has made his plan. Five days were a bit short but the three months had passed and he had it all ready. The few money he could slip from change. A few clothes. Tools. Food. They were ready to go.

“Kit, in Sunday I need you to do something fun. Would you grab your binoculars and tell me when they go and bring me the keys in Master’s office?”

Kit physically did a step back.

“What is it?”

“Im…not allowed there…I cant…”

“It’s ok Kit. Dont worry. Can you play explorer and tell me when they go then?” The kid shook his head vigorously. “You’re such a good kid, Kit” he revolved his hair. And gave him a candy hidden in the downside of the mat.

“Ah! Thank you Dimitri! I love you!” Kit said while hugging him through the bars. Dimitri had to be really strong to hold the tears in.

“I love you too Kit” he said watching him go off.

He stared at the ceiling unable to sleep.

How much he wished Cal and Olivia were there too. But the pain of losing them wouldn’t happen ever again.

Even if he died at it. They would go and get freedom.

[bananiell]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[becomeabat]

a lot of the time bruces personality gets blurred into one throughout his whole age but thats just not v realistic, he changes a lot through his years and young bruce and post jason bruce and near the end bruce are all v different in a lot of ways. his public persona changes too, you can only be a playboy so long into your thirties until he becomes a mysterious recluse who everyone assumes is washed up and depressed (but still sexy)

batman changes too, pre batman bruce is more showy until ras gets it out of him and then new batman has a lot of skills but not a lot of experience, he learns to use gadgets and strategy as he goes and old bruce isnt as agile but he learns to throw his weight around (he gets big as he gets older he just packs on muscle) and uses strategy to his advantage.

and of course as the years go by hes accumulating more and more trauma both psychological and physical, im not sure hed last long into his old age, maybe 55 at the oldest. by that time hes wracked with pain and grits his teeth through it or drinks just enough to take the edge off. he also spends more time being batman bc he feels like hes getting to the end of his line and hes desperate to "fix" the city he cant fix bc hes one (1) man

he also becomes less and less able to connect with people and more and more isolated, it all piles on mentally and his sleeping gets worse and his emotions get worse and his paranoia gets worse... he really just runs himself into the ground and it gets exponentially worse when alfred passes and isnt there to counteract some of those tendencies

[kinktae]

How dare you bitchin!jungkook ?! HOW DARE YOU ?!

very NOT spoiler free bitchin’ 8 asks under the cut

Y/N SUPPORT GROUP

deliciouslydisturbed365 said: I just read chapter 8 and holy fuck I’m nauseous. Poor Y/N 😭

queen-emon said: What the literal FUCK man, I just read Bitchin 08 and like im so broken. I never ever consider Y/n and I to be the same person but this time I felt like we were the same person both getting our hearts crushed by the man we loved so dearly. I AM NOT OKAY WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME! THIS IS SO NOT GROOVY :(

Anonymous said: Me🤝y/n Repressing our emotions

madjammil said: I am legit crying. Poor y/n! I cannot believe Jungkook slept with Kiri! My heart is broken. I thought these two were finally getting together and he goes and does this dumb shit! Smh. Aside from that, your writing was amazing as always! I love this series so much!

YARA BULLY JK PETITIONERS

Anonymous said: omg i can’t believe jungkook is rly going to get his dickie chopped off 😍😍😍 deserve! can’t wait until yara finds out

Anonymous said: Ignore jk, y/n!!! Gosh she deserve so much better than a fboi who only cares about how he feels physically!! Ahole to the max and I need her to slap him! Yara can join along the slapping game!! But srsly he needs to learn his words alone can’t mend this and I hope y/n doesn’t give in so easily cuz he deserves cold shoulders from her for a very long time and don’t just rely on charms to get his way. Ik he was trouble from the start 😔 y/n dear don’t worry you deserve better

casualxexistence said: So 👉👈 um like is there like ANy chance that we get to see our baby yara’s reaction to this 🥺🥺🥺👼 bc um well I would kinda love to see her hand both jk and kiri there asses bc they aren’t gonna hAVE ANY AFTER SHE FINISHES WITH THEM RIP

Anonymous said: dude, what if y/n hooks up with tae and starts beef between jk and him while yara bitch slaps kiri….. dude bitchin’ has such good drama theories wtf literally anything is possible at this point

Anonymous said: if yara doesn’t punch kook can I punch him? Not as the oc I meant like me BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK

forvever-ddaeng said: I keep rereading this last part like it’s somehow gonna change or it won’t make me sad the more I read it but it’s having the opposite effect and now I want Yara to beat Jungkook’s ass smh

Anonymous said: WTFFFFFFF YARA GONNA HUNT DOWN AND KICK JUNGKOOK ASS FOR HURTING HER BABY

JUNGKOOK ANTIS:

Anonymous said: what the fuck is wrong with bitchin’!jungkook does he think with his dick i wanna kick his ass

Anonymous said: why jungkook would do something like that if he likes y/n? i would be so mad at him too like… isn’t that kind of cheating? he didn’t say if he was back together with his ex but he slept with her so that must mean something, she probably thinks it means something. he was really stupid 

omgtaehyungsmullett said: i know jungkook fucking with me, dammit 😡

Anonymous said: I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD JUNGKOOK DO THAT WHY

ausjeons said: Jungkook what the fuck!!! I could slap you silly after reading part 8 😪😩

Anonymous said: Team make jk suffer for awhile and then be able to patch things up with the oc 🤝

Anonymous said: I read ch8 last night and this weighed heavily on my mind all day like why is jk such a hoe? Like how could he just sleep with Kiri just like that. I think these children are very confuzzled with their feelings. After he slept with Kiri, did he rush to y/n bc he knew this was the end of their “relationship”? One last passionate banger goodbye 😟 my 💔 broken heart

Anonymous said: I ain’t even sad. I’m full on rage mode. WHO TF GAVE JK THE AUDACITY , THE ABSOLUTE BRAWN TO STICK HIS DICK IN KIRI AND THEN , NOT EVEN A FULL DAY LATER ( cuz yk that would be farrr too gracious ) WITHOUT A WARNING , WITHOUT A FRICKING GOOD MORNING EVEN , GOES TO FUCK OC AND THINKS THAT’S OKAY???? Good to know OC and whatever his relationship was with her was worth less than a nut😒

Anonymous said: i’m actually sad… like wow. i really expected him to go back, i really did. but even though i knew it’d happen, it still hurt, y’know? i think that made it worse; knowing that he’d go back to her in the end… shit’s fucked up, really. great job writing it. i could literally feel the emotion from this one.

Anonymous said: Bitchin ch 8…..oh wow the smut was so nice and fluffy but wtf JJK messed up big time. Honestly I don’t think he deserves oc after this. She deserves someone who isn’t so unsure of his feelings that it takes getting back together with and sleeping with someone else to realise it. If he really liked her, he wouldn’t have slept with Kiri.

Anonymous said: “ArE YOu MAd?” Srsly what brand of clown juice is Bitchin JJK drinking?

Anonymous said: TAE AND Y/N HOES BRO ENTER THE NEW SHIP FUCK JK

cchristinnaa said: Jk really did yn like a pocket pussy huh

Anonymous said: HOW COULD JUNGKOOK OH MY GOOODDDDDDDDDDD literally men aint SHIT….. the part where y/n said you got what you wanted from me🥺🥺🥺🥺 I FELT THAT ugh i love the angst

Anonymous said: Hope jk dieS from jealousy next ch. And regrets it skdhdhd :( jk. Hope they get their sht 2gether soon or im gon 😷😖😭

diortae said: me: *explaining to bitchin 8 jk why he’s a dick for calling Y/N his “pretty girl” immediately after fucking her raw the morning after he slept with his ex* 

jk: well, you know what they say. hindsight is 20/20 

me: KINDA SEEMS LIKE REGULAR SIGHT SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT THAT ONE

Anonymous said: JUNGKOOK IS ABOUT TO MEET THESE FISTS UP CLOSE THATS ON GOD THAT DUMBASS LIMP DICK BITCH REALLY FUCKED UP

Anonymous said: I HATE JJK HES AN ASS FOR GG DOWN ON 2WOMEN HE CAN JUS F HIMSELF RN

Anonymous said: JUNGKOOK IS GONNA GET HIS ASS BEATEN UGHSHHSKDHXJSJ MOTHERFUCKER WHAT? WHAT??? THIS BITCH IS A RIDE OR DIE AND UR GOING AFTER FAKEASS KIRI REALLY? FOR REAL I THOUGHT UOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS BUT NO ALL MEN DO IS LIE LIE LIE

Anonymous said: the way i closed the tumblr app when i saw jungkook saying “kiri came over last night”

Anonymous said: alright we beating jk’s ass @ noon 😤

Anonymous said: WHY WOULD JUNGKOOK DO THAT TO OC LIKE WHAT I AGREE WITH OC HE USED HER AND THAT MAKES ME 😡😡😡😡😡

Anonymous said: BITCHIN PART 8 WTFGGGG MY HEART Do be Hurting . i’m going to beat jungkook up !!!!

betysotelo18 said: It’s been a few minutes since I read part 8 and I can’t stop thinking about what could happen next… the meanwhile F U jeon Jungkook, you did wrong

Anonymous said: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I CANT 😭 WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THIS CHAPTER HUUUU JUNGKOOK WTFF BRO…….. my heart is breaking for them. Why can’t they just date already wkxbdbbdjdjdjdjdjdj this is onky misunderstanding right? and thankyou for the new chapter sis hihuhihih💕💕

Anonymous said: im shocked i dunno who i hate more rn you or jungkook. my heart is literally SHATTERED he better fix this or else im traveling to the 80s just to kick his ass 😭🤬

Anonymous said: never want to punch jungkook in the face like i wanna do right now

Anonymous said: JUNGKOOK WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK 🤬 for the love of god rose why do u did that to me i wanna die

Anonymous said: ROSE WTF WAS THAT MAN !!! my heart it hurts and like wtf jungpuke!! Why would he do that to reader !! why would he sleep with kiri and then sleep with reader ?!? Like go siekkeksjdjejjejdbehhe i wish i can put in reaction pictures in here

CUTIE PIES

Anonymous said: Omggg thank you so so much for this chapter, for the whole fic. Thank you for sharing it with us. You are a great writter. Seriously! I just love how every chapter is so intense. Not only the smut is amazing but every detail, every action, the whole plot, all of the dialogues. I actually cried at the end I love how I can really feel everything. All the emotions. Ah and they’re so cute!!! But why was JK so weak? Even if that’s what you wanted since the beginning… I thought- BOY WTF??? :’( But seriously this is the type of thing I love, I am WEAK for this. The slow burn, the oblivious idiots that love each other but keep suffering thing. And you write it so well. Your mind!!! Your talent!!! I love it. Thank you, for real ♥♥♥ I’m antecipating the next chapter, but already sad that it’s almost ending :((( I’m gonna miss this a lot. Anyways, take your time, baby. And have a nice day! ♥♥♥ (Sorry for bad english btw)

tinievmin said: ROSE. IM IN PAIN. I FELT THE BREAKUP BETWEEN YN AND JUNGKOOK. IM SO SADDD. But not related to the plot, your writing is ART. You always make it flow so well aND WOW!!! I don’t have enough words to express how much I love your works

AND FINALLY, AN INTELLECTUAL

Anonymous said: kiri is a bitch i said what i said

[taehyungsgrowl]

SFW Alphabet for Nate

I think I did it wrong last time bc I was waiting for people to send me letters when I was just supposed to go down the list. But I’m a dummy so disregard half of what I say.

i hope you guys like them and thank you virgo anon for the input w these 🥺i love our baby 🥺

Here we go:

A- Activity (What is their favorite activity to do with you.)

-- i think he likes doing new things w you. and i know that sounds cliche BUT hear me out. duncan is a bit of a home body 🥺loves to be curled up w reader sharing kissies and cuddling. nate enjoys that too but i think trying new adventures w you is his favorite. i can see him being the type to like hiking dates!! (also lets not forget the tik tok videos you guys make together )

B- Beginnings (How do they act in the beginning of a relationship)

-- considering the beginning did start off as something kinda casual between him and reader, he kept it as such. but he’s such a natural charmer that even when he’s not trying, he just comes across as super sweet. they’d finish hooking up and he’d offer her to stay over or get them food (not bc he felt like he needed to but it’s just the kinda guy he is) i think he probably let his goofy side out right at the beginning as well. its what helped y/n open up to him and feel at ease w him 🥺

C- Communication (Are they good communicators? How do they normally talk about their problems or solve issues)

-- big sigh. nate? was the KING of communication!! hell! he was able to talk to duncan (who ISNT the best at communicating) when they weren’t even friends and helped him talk to dumb!reader. plus he’d always been open about his feelings. told y/n right away when he knew he was in love. (i only say he WAS bc he should have told y/n he was struggling before he ended up in the hospital 🥺)

D- Drunk (What are they like when they’re drunk)

-- koala bear cuddly drunk!! not just between him and reader! but he will love on anyone! (omg.. you know dunc was a little 😳when drunk!bro!nate started hugging him... hiding his face in duncs neck... telling he smells good... telling him how much he loves him... bros 👯‍♂️)

E- Emergency (How are they in emergency situations? You get hurt, they get hurt, someone is dying etc..)

— oh god. nate is the type to keep cool and collected in an emergency - even if he were the one having an emergency 🥺 like if reader would’ve been w him during his car accident, she would have been worried sick over him and he’d just be like, “hey, look at me. i’m okay, yeah? a lot stronger than i look, babe.” even if it hurt like hell because he doesn’t wanna worry her. if you were in an emergency or got hurt, he’d go into sexy doctor mode. “tell me where it hurts.” squeezing your hand to reassure you, “i got you.” also kissies where it hurts 🥺 and he’s such a good listener too wow we have no choice but to simp.

F- Free Spot (I’ll give you any headcanon I come up with)

-- i’m just gonna share one head canon that virgo anon tossed at me that really made me 🥺 baby nate 🥺 and how when he was younger he was always a nice boy 🥺 but wasnt the popular or “hot” one until he grew into himself in college 🥺 when he got maxie and it helped him manage his stress enough to be able to make connections 🥺y’all when she said that it made me heart 🥺 my sweet boy

G- Gifts (What kind of gifts do they give? What kind of gifts do they get?)

-- i think his gifts are rarely “over the top” but !! they’re simple and personalized!!! like a lil necklace w his initials / name 🥺or maybe he has someone make a picture of you two into an animation? like have someone draw you guys (do u know what im talking about?) as far as gifts for him, he enjoys like “interactive gifts” like sending him on a lil scavenger hunt (nate loves setting them up for you too 🥺) but if you set one up for HIM? god! he’d love you!

H- Hugs (How do they show affection/cuddle)

-- nate loves! loves! to give forehead kissies (not just because he’s tall fjhsjh) and being hugged (or picked up) in his strong arms!! loves it!! he loves being the big spoon 🥺i love him. 

I- Irritation (What is something that irritates them? How do they show their irritation?)

-- that reader continues to choose duncan over him fkjsvsfkv he wears his heart on his sleeve so i think when nate is upset or irritated... you know. 

J- Jackpot (How would they spend their winnings if they won the lottery?)

-- does nate have more $ than the shepherds? debatable. but he isn’t as... flashy w his money as duncan is. he’s a little more down to earth if that makes sense. BUT thats besides the point. he’d probably donate a lot to a charity of his choice than take you on a little get away. maybe a cross country road trip 🥺 or off to an island getaway. he’s flexible. 

K- Kryptonite (What is their ultimate weakness?)

-- virgo anon made me 🥺when we were talking about this bc nate would do anything for the people he loves and 🥺that gets him hurt. especially when he feels like those people dont love him in the way he does them 🥺

L- Laughter (What makes them laugh?)

-- clown!! nate is the guy that always keeps you laughing 🥺and most times he cant even contain his own laughter omg i will cry im in love with one man

M- Morning ( How do they wake up in the morning? Are they a morning person or a morning grouch?)

-- he’s a morning person 🥺 likes to start off his morning with a run and protein shake SMH fitness KING. 

N- Needy (When do they feel particularly needy? How do they show it?)

-- he’s so used to being the one who’s needed 🥺 it takes him a while to be comfy being vulnerable and needy. idk if there’s anything in particular that sets him off to be like this - but i’d like to think it happens at random. like youre on the couch and he just nuzzles his face on your tummy for you to pet his hair. he demonstrates it by wanting to be close to you 🥺

O- Oasis (Where is their happy place? Where would they go if they didn’t have anything holding them back?)

-- i think he’d be the kinda guy that enjoys the sun (not just bc he looks hot, shirtless on a beach) but yes. somewhere nice and sunny where he could have maxie w him 🥺if he could stay on the beach where he started falling for dumb!reader (with her) for ever he would 🥺

P- Pain (How do they handle pain? How do they handle when you are in pain?)

-- emotional or physical? jfgksjdgsdk but no i think if he’s well regulated, he can handle pain well - it’s when he’s not that it’s a problem (w emotional pain) he stops taking care of himself the way he should and really spirals into his head a lot you know 🥺i think he can handle others being in pain better than himself bc he loves a lot and its easier to focus his attention on trying to fix things for them (like we said his biggest weakness is doing too much for those he loves)

Q- Quote (What’s a quote that fits them and your relationship)

-- “loving is easy” fjskfsf not to be too corny but 🥺being w nate was easy... always on the same page.. and made her feel good. 🥺

R- Reunion (How do they celebrate seeing you after a long time of being apart)

-- lots!!! of kissies!! picking you up!! holding you close!!! physical touch is pretty high on his love language list i think 🥺(i think quality time or acts of service might be his top two though) 

S- Stress (What stresses them out? How do deal with stress and how do they relieve it?)

-- i generally think duncan is more of a control freak than nate, but i do think to some extent, they’re similar that when things feel out of their control, it really stresses them out. i think it manifests at different times. i think for duncan its more trivial things whereas w nate, if he feels like he could be doing something to “fix” something and he cant do anything it freaks him out. hes a healer, you know. i think working out is a big stress reliever for him 🥺my strong baby!! that and goofing off w reader 🥺

T- Terror (What are they afraid of?)

-- this kinda ties into his weakness (and could be amplified by his younger years) but he’s afraid of not really being enough for those he loves. especially if he was teased as a kid 🥺maybe thats why in a lot of his nightmares the theme of abandonment appears a lot 🥺i made myself SAD 🥺

U- Unique (What is a quirk that is unique to them?)

-- i asked virgo anon for help on this one 🥺and i love her so much 🥺 nate tugs on his hair when he’s nervous 🥺 he gets a lil annoyed after he buzzes it off and doesnt have much to pull on 🥺he likes to hold hands when spooning. loves to sing along to disney movies (but lets be honest, he’s the real prince KING)

V- Violence (Do they fight a lot? Are they a good fighter? What is their fighting style?)

-- well... idk if it’s fair to say he fights a lot because he tries not to resort to that - especially grad school nate. mostly because he knows he’s good at fighting. omfg... boxer!nate.... may have all my rights. and he doesn’t really wanna hurt anyone. BUT if needed!!! he will throw down. (ex. when dunc wouldnt let y/n leave the house. and then attacked him!! nate had to stand his ground 😌

W- Wow (What do you do that really surprises them? What do you do that they really like?)

-- idk i think nate was probably really surprised when reader gave him that second chance at friendship in the bathroom 🥺didnt think she would. on a lighter note, surprising him w fresh cooked meals always make him 🥺because... he’s trying but hasnt mastered the cooking thing yet.

X- (Explicit headcanon. For all you degenerates)

-- he’s uhh packing 😳and it hits all the right spots, you know 😳omfg and lets not forget the dickscussion we had about his head game being stronger than duncans 😌

Y- Yucky (Is there something that grosses them out so badly that they can’t deal with it?)

-- i wasnt sure what really grossed out medical professionals (if anything djsfs) but we kinda head canon for him to be into family / pediatric medicine so anything w LOTS of blood loss probably freaks him out 

Z- ZZZ’s (What are their sleeping habits? Both with and without you)

-- my baby. nate has really bad night terrors especially on bad(tm) days. it usually helps to have someone w him to be able to keep him calm when he wakes up 🥺if its not y/n you can bet maxie will be there for tons of kissies. he’s a sleep talker 🥺and when sleeping w you he loves being big spoon 🥺and when he’s alone, he kinda sleeps curled up and w a lot of pillows. comfort KING

[musingmycelium]

SO i dumped a WHOLE BUNCH of noure thots on discord and im throwing them here too bc i do what i want

this is WICKED long and stream of consciousy but its me thinking through the changes in noure’s magic through the years so if you’re into that ;)

noure’s magic.... its super reflective of their mental state and their personal growth bc thats INCH RESTING to me and i fell asleep and noure dropped kicked me in the face as they're wont to do and ANYWAYS 

 right! early life noure is specifically focused on healing -they're apprenticed to the alienage healer (with ellanis but he sucks at healing lol) so they do a lot of spirit healing being taught to them and spirit magic comes really naturally to noure. they also have a natural shapeshifting magic (tied to their ability to easily communicate with spirits, the physical reality for noure is more malleable because their perception of it is different. why be an elf when you want to fly, why be a bird when you want to write, etc) and their connection to their magic is deep and personal and like, very connected to their sense of self and faith 

 (i could go on for HOURS about alienage andrastianism in denerim in my verse tbh but the long and short of it is its more focused on andraste herself and the 'magic is made to serve man' thing is focused on community building and helping each other out and being a pillar in the community bc they've been gifted this ability to help in ways others cant. this aLSO leads to mages being highly valued and protected in the alienage when they can be and their loss is felt pretty hard when they can't)

noure's magic blooms early on and it informs a LOT of their worldview. they're a healer, not a fighter. but, obviously, that changes when they're arrested.

in the circle, noure ceases to exist. the magic that was so connected to them is absolutely lost. for a couple of reasons - one, the trauma of being arrested is AWFUL and noure blocks/represses off most of their happier memories and in doing so blocks off those channels of magic. two, in my hc to practice any spirit magic -spirit healing especially- you have to want to communicate and do what you're asking. you have to want to heal in order to do so. and in the circle noure wants Nothing to do with healing. they're angry and hurt and all they can do is try to get out because they know what they left behind. and three! shapeshifting is something that would absolutely have no place in the circle, noure knows the chantry doesn't really know about it and they don't want to risk that knowledge getting beat out of them either.

 so, with their natural magic blocked off their mana has to come out somehow right? and i've mentioned before that i like tying magic to emotions right? i think i have... anyways! in the circle noure's magic is influenced by all the pain they're feeling and all the rage they have so it manifests itself as that fire magic which is iconic to them  bc i generally write about their circle days. but it isn't as natural to them and its just a reflection of their really broken mental state. they're obviously powerful but they're alos volatile and fire is too, noure gravitates to the element and it drives a lot of their actions in the circle. they're irvings pupil mostly to keep an eye on them.

(it's also why they're not made tranquil even though they attempt to break out so many times. they would be a waste of resources as tranquil... until they're too much effort to keep tracking down and they're too brash/bold in class and then they're worth more tranquil than dead. WELL that and they're a blood mage now lol) 

 their last escape attempt is the first time they use blood magic and it is entirely due to desperation. they kill two templars but the third one captures them and they're going to be made tranquil EXCEPT broken circle goes down and noure is just, forgotten about as not as important in that moment. ellanis comes in, 'conscripts' them (he does the paperwork, ellanis works really hard to ensure it looks as though noure is a warden and is killed during the blight so the circle won't come looking for them) 

 so noure is free from the circle, after seven years of repressed magic and fear and a deep hatred for the circle and the chantry. that faith which was so inherent to them was absolutley SHATTERED in the circle and with it those channels to their natural magic. 

 but now they're free. and that freedom at first breaks them down because, well, what do they do now? they're safe and thats Hard for them to wrap their head around but it also means all of that trauma comes right back to the forefront of their mind. noure spends about a month or so on the road (relative road bc they cross the waking sea lmao)  and ends up near cumberland where they meet viuus kinda on accident. that time on the road helps them come to terms with what's going to happen and who they are now.

and, i know i've talked about viuus before but viuus (yes that viuus from dai) takes noure as his 'apprentice' and noure spends two years in nevarra learning mortalitasi spirit magic. WHICH I WILL  MAINTAIN. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SPIRIT MAGIC AND NECROMANCY AND MORTALITASI MAGIC COMBINES THESE but noure focuses on the spirit side bc they don't care about the necromancy part lol. 

 and, in nevarra, noure reconnects with their faith. they're able to heal from the trauma of being arrested and they begin to heal from the trauma of being in the circle. (they reconnect with their family too which really helps them, attie and their mom become regular correspondents (their dad died while noure was in the circle) and obs ellanis is too) and they reopen those channels of spirit magic. they're a healer again, they can talk with spirits again, they can talk to andraste again, and the first time they shapeshift after escaping the circle they take the form of a sparrow and stay that way for as long as they're able. (they defo cry when they change back but its a GOOD cry)

 their time in nevarra also marks their development of relationships with new spirits, specifically valor. they become good/close friends with valor over the course of a year or so and that relationship helps them heal too. they're able to reclaim parts of their old identity and reshape themself into someone who is still a little broken but better for it. 

 they don't necessarily abandon their fire/blood magic but they defo don't use it as much. they don't have a reason to now so it falls away, like shedding a winter jacket in the spring. BUT  

im mean and noure gets found out. they encounter a templar who is recently transfered from kinloch and noure isn't exactly a forgettable face right. templar tries to arrest them (bc everyone in kinloch knew noure's.... inclinations for espace) and actually ends up killing them.

Except. not quite. valor finds noure as they're bleeding out and merges with them, saving their life and turning them into an abomination. WHICH noure has LOTS of thoughts about honestly. it was a surprise bc they didn't know that could happen, for one, and for another they're now not a single individual but sharing their body with another.

 they don't have a lot of time to process it though because they have to be on the run now, and well, they were going to go to kirkwall anyways bc they're heard karl is in kirkwall and he's one of the few connections noure made that they wanted to keep (at this point they believe anders either dead or tranquil since he escaped with them on their last attempt but was also recaptured) 

 valor changes the game with noure's magic in a big way. but also kirkwall does too. we ALL know what a shitshow kirkwall is and all the healing noure accomplished is tested and frayed there -it so closely resembles the circle and the gallows are a source of constant fucking fear. but darktown reminds noure so much of the alienage too and they find anders again and they can be a healer in kirkwall so its very. its complex and some parts are good but most are horrific.

 the fire comes back in kirkwall. that anger and pain remanifests itself and this time its tinged with valor's own outrage too. (noure walks a fine line , they think, of corrupting valor into audacity) valor helps boOOST noure's spirit magic and gives them a good font of new mana to go with it. but valor is, well, not exactly quiet. (god writing two nb characters sharing the same body was maybe a mistake pronoun wise) valor influces noure's magic pretty heavily that way and the spirits they contact in kirkwall refelct that.

but their blood magic is something they reserve for healing. those wounds/illnesses which are otherwise unrecoverable noure heals with blood magic + spirit juice. it is something that, causes a bit of tension between them and anders tbh

kirkwall is really as far as i've gotten with noure's magic and its when their magic becomes a little more volatile than it was before in nevarra but more controlled than it was in the circle. their fire comes back but they're still a healer first and their connection with valor influces that connection. their faith is tested again, but in a different way and it isn't as lost as it was in the circle too. and YAH :dabs:

if you read this far know im ON MY WAY to kiss your cheek ilu 

[glossberry]

uhh this is my new years post, lookin back at da old year. idk

no decade recap cuzzzzzz i was a child for most of it so theres no point in doing that.

as usual i dont know what to say about this year. im not too good at remembering emotions or shit like that. but i do feel like i made a lot of strides in learning how to do "normal human things" that i should have probably learned earlier. im more comfortable in communicating and operating socially. i have a lot of good friends and i made even more this year. im not so scared of everyone to the point of isolating myself anymore (and further, have been able to Work Through The Pain/Hard-ness/Difficulty more often.) i feel like im more secure in how i want to execute my Life Path into the future. i have worked on art more often, more consistently, and more effectivley than i ever have. i still dont know a lot of things about myself but i have definitley gotten better. i started applying to transfer which is stressful but beyond the physical act i feel like its important thing for me to do emotionally, like taking myself and my needs seriously and realizing theres nobody that can control me, that knows whats best for me, other than myself. in terms of art and such, i think i improved a ton this year. i feel like i really have a grasp of what im doing and i feel like im on the precipice of some burgeoning professionality and just a big step of improvement in general.... i still have a ton i need to work on but i feel like its in my grasp. there were parts of this year that were bad, too. a lot of things that feel neutral to me but others would consider shitty. the summer was horrible but i dont know. i dont remember it as much anymore ('it' not being specific events just the whole vibes n all.) i try not to think about them and my whole past and life and shitty fuckin brain and move forward but sometimes i get stuck in the mire and muck of it and have to. but theres only a way to go but forward, right. at least im alive. anyways. thats 2019. things happened and things didnt happen. theres a lot thats still going to happen. im neutral-to-hopeful and i am waiting to see what 2020 will bring. im greatful for everything i have and hope to leave that bad parts of that in the past. i think im in a good position

[laetan]

Do every question?

Thank you for enabling my procrastination, much appreciated

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Yes

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? This cat I saw through the window of my apartment

03: Do you regret anything?

Yeah, I'm an anxious motherfucker but it's best not to dwell on them past their usefulness to prevent repeating mistakes in the future

04: Are you insecure?

Yuh

05: What is your relationship status?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ weird.

06: How do you want to die?

Ideally doing someone heroic.

07: What did you last eat?

An orange

08: Played any sports?

Yup, soccer, fencing, boxing/MMA when I was younger

09: Do you bite your nails?

No

10: When was your last physical fight?

Life is constantly kicking me in the emotional nuts

11: Do you like someone?

¯\_( ಠ_ಠ)_/¯ I cant differentiate platonic and romantic emotions

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Within the past week, so yes

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

This is a hard question because it takes a lot of brainpower to hate someone so is it like, in this exact moment was I ruminating on my hatred for Emmy award winning voice actor and voice of Nott the Brave Samuel Riegel? No. Am i usually? At least 23 hours of every day is alotted as Emmy award winning voice actor and voice of Nott the Brave Samuel Riegel hating hours in my planner.

14: Do you miss someone?

Yeah

15: Have any pets?

Ye 2 cats who are bastard babies

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

My ears kinda hurt as does my jaw and my hands and feet are cold but that's sorta my default

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

No both bathrooms and kissing are vaguely gross for longer than strictly necessary so combining these is not great. Especially bc the assumption that you're out somewhere in public unless some people just relegate that to the ol' powder room at home

18: Are you scared of spiders?

Not especially. Don't want one to crawl on my face and I'm not a fan of anything that moves silently in my peripheral vision but they're important to the ecosystem and kill more annoying bugs. That said, @the like 15 in my apartment at any given time: why dont you pay rent

19: answered

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

Couch in a basement

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

Considering its 22:06 on a Sunday, imma go with next week. I have 4 finals so probably crying in the one secret corner of the library I found so the librarians don't shush my for disturbing the other students who have already mastered the art of silent crying while studying

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

No. I think i wanna foster though

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Ears, but they may be healed

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

That's tough. Probably history, polisci, and french?

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yeah. Didnt you just ask that

26: What are you craving right now?

Sleep

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yup @Gloria sorry I was such a jerk freshman year

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

Sort of?

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

...yes? I think

30: What’s irritating you right now?

Im mildly cold

31: Does somebody love you?

I like to think so but you'd have to ask I suppose

32: What is your favourite color?

Blue or red

33: Do you have trust issues?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

Something I'd like to forget

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I'm not a big crier, but especially not in front of other people, so I don't really know? Probably after the shooting which will be 6 years ago on the 17th? Or maybe a funeral after that, not sure. I have trouble putting events in chronological order

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

Nah

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

I mean, philosophically or mechanistically bc mechanistically, forget but in the grand scheme well

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

I don't know

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

Uhhh 11??

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

No I Am Most Comfortable When I Am Impervious To Most Forms of Physical Attack

51: Favourite food?

Gyros

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

No, sometimes horrible things are just painful, they aren't part of the cosmic plan or an opportunity for growth, they just hurt

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Texted Beau

54: Is cheating ever okay?

No

55: Are you mean?

I like to think I'm not but sometimes I say or think shit that makes me take a hard look at myself

56: How many people have you fist fought?

∞

I am fist fighting someone as we speak

57: Do you believe in true love?

Yeah, I don't really know what that means

58: Favourite weather?

Fog

59: Do you like the snow?

Ish, depends how icy it is

60: Do you wanna get married?

I love the idea but dunno if its feasible for me

61: Is it cute when a person calls you baby?

No I think its really infantilizing. I do really love pet names, just not that one

62: What makes you happy?

Learning something new. Good music. Making someone laugh. Things that glow in the dark.

63: Would you change your name?

I have and will never stop

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Hahaha yes but uh thats A Story For Another Time

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Binary is bullshit so imma just go with my best friend @sweetcron who Id be like. Bud, you have a girlfriend and I'm also a nightmare man.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

Fucking binary shit. I have Friends of Many Genders and I wouldn't be their friend if I didn't feel like I could be myself

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

OH MY GOD

68: answered

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

Not sure

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

Not to be a Gryffindor™ but it'd be quicker to ask who wouldn't I die for (for example, i would not die for mike pence)

[midnight-circus]

another bullshit meme

from sidebloggable

answered for logan and lucius bc i dont talk about my big dumb idiot enough

and im actually gonna answer for their original Fable timeline bc ive been feelin nostalgic recently

Their physical weak spots

Logan - depends on his age and/or stress-levels. He has a fair amount of upper body strength from swinging twin swords around all the fucking time, but it wouldn’t be ridiculously hard to overpower him if you could disarm and get hold of him - however, he’s fast, agile and extremely skilled, and it’s getting hold of him in the first place that’s the issue. In the middle of his reign, on the other hand, his body condition takes a dramatic dive - he’s pretty severely underweight and loses a lot of his muscle tone, and it really wouldn’t take much at all to best him. 

Lucius - Lucius is a big, heavy mercenary who fights with a broadsword, so it’s hard to get the best of him in a one-to-one melee fight. However, he’s missing his left eye and is deaf in his left ear - subsequently if you use a little bit of stealth and come at him hard and fast from the left, you’ve got a pretty good chance of getting the jump on him. He’s also into middle-age and despite having decent reactions, a younger man of the same build as him might just pip him to the post.

Their emotional/moral weak spots

Logan - oh god lmao. Logan’s a mess, but his primary emotional weak spot is his siblings - be they his original two (hey queenie and dorian) or Morgan. I think he feels a bond that’s closer to paternal than fraternal, and I think the only way he can really justify to himself the pain he puts them through is telling himself he’s doing it for them. ok honestly, he will do fucking anything for them. at the climax of the revolution, the primary thought running through his head is how fucking proud he is. be nice if he said it out loud every once a while - hell, itd be nice if he’d just asked for some fuckin help before causing the literal death of hundreds of people - but yknow. thats just going one step too far i guess

Lucius - he’s a bleeding heart. when Morgan and his little band of rebels rock up in the Dweller village, Lucius is already there running supplies up and down the mountain to them; he watches way too many kids starve to death, and joins up with the rebels in order to lead them through Mourningwood. then he gets a crush on morgan’s little bitch face and just like. never leaves lmao. He’s easily blinded by injustice and gets worked up really quickly when he sees wrong being done - it can lead him to act recklessly or thoughtlessly at times.

Scars or painful spots

Logan - asides from the obvious scars across his lips (fencing wounds when he was a boy), he took some nasty damage from the Crawler during the three days he was trapped in the Auroran cave - he’s got a network of scars on his back that look a little like lashmarks. they hurt when they’re touched and he Does Not talk about them. he’s also got a few other scars here and there on his arms and chest from miscellaneous scraps and scuffles, and he has a deep puncture scar on his abdomen from an assassination attempt, but the less said about those the better.

Lucius - lmao Lucius is literally missing half his face to scar-tissue. he was attacked by a dog as a boy and it left him heavily messed-up. he’s also a merc, as i said, so he’s got a lot of miscellaneous old wounds but nothing quite as obvious as the ones his face. 

Best places to kiss on their body

Logan - oh, the neck, bitch. he’s also kind of a slut for being kissed on the insides of his wrists; anywhere vulnerable, basically. if you could kill him there, kiss him there. freak-ass bitch.

Lucius - dude just likes a nice traditional french kiss man nothing crazy. but also definitely give him a blowjob. i know this question said kissing but lets be real thats kind of a kiss.

Guilty pleasures

Logan - he reads really terrible novels. like…really terrible. he pretends he’s reading something highbrow and intellectual but its actually a shitty romance recovered with something suitably acceptable and nobody can know

Lucius - he doesnt have any ‘guilty’ pleasures tbh, he just enjoys stuff unashamedly. he’s too thick to feel guilty

Their vices (physical or emotional)

Logan - lets be real, he’s probably done, like. an impressive amount of coke. i guess the terrible sleeping and eating habits are probably also a vice but like. it’s mainly the coke

Lucius - he smokes like a fuckin chimney

Their tickle spots

Logan - not only does he not have any, but you would also die for trying. Elrick disagrees.

Lucius - his ribs, but he is uncontrollably violent when he’s tickled so its a real good way to get a broken nose. he doesn’t mean to do it, he just spasms. 

Bad memories/experiences

Logan - lmao. I’ll skip the most obvious (the 3-Day Auroran Extravaganza) because i think that goes without saying - it left him with crippling PTSD and damaged his mind heavily and insidiously. he was already pretty traumatised by his childhood and i think being forced into so many responsibilities so young also messed him up a little. it’s more like….rather one one or two specific experiences, its more just a general feeling of Bad that has stuck with him throughout his life. It was worsened by his later experiences, and essentially primed him for failure.

Lucius - yknow i was thinking about how to word the answer to this question and i realised that i accidentally made Lucius into Batman. His family farm was attacked and burnt to the ground by bandits when he was about 12; his parents and siblings were killed, and he only escaped by hiding in the coal-cellar. Later, he joined up with the mercenaries to try and track down the group that targeted them. fuck hes batman. i didnt mean to batman

Humiliating memories

Logan - oh man his father was a pro at humiliation. mistakes or oversights werent just punished, they were fuckin learned from, and he figured the best way to do this was humiliation - generally through public displays of What You Did Wrong and repeated recitations of the mistake in front of the people whose opinions Logan valued. It was kind of the catalyst for his inferiority complex and intense desire to succeed without input from others. 

Lucius - again, Lucius doesn’t really experience embarrassment - he’s kind of too laid-back for it. yes, it was embarrassing the one time he fell over carrying two milk buckets and threw them all over himself in front of the handsome boy from the next farm over and the guy started laughing at him but like. you live and learn and the dude turned out to have a really ugly laugh anyway so who cares

Fears/phobias

Logan - he’s always had claustrophobia, but after the Auroran Experience this intensifies to a whole new level, and he also develops crippling nyctophobia. part of this is due to his hallucinatory psychosis - he sees things pretty much constantly, but it worsens in low lighting - but it’s also due to the fact that there may very well be actual Things in the dark and he struggles to tell reality from hallucination

Lucius - dogs. fuckin dogs. he hates dogs theyre literally so scary even the small ones bc the small ones move so quick and you never know when theyre gonna come at you

Bad or petty habits

Logan - oh, he’s just a petty bitch. he’s also outwardly arrogant, even if his internal feelings don’t match up to that. drily sarcastic, too, tho a person only really sees that when they get past the walls he throws up - Elrick is very familiar with it. 

Lucius - he’s constantly standing to the right-hand side of people and then he wonders why he cant hear them properly

Grudges and vendettas

Logan - he’d hold a grudge against his father if he wasnt dead. he also holds a pretty heavy grudge against Theresa for not just fucking telling him.

Lucius - at first, only against the bandits that killed his family, but once he deals with them hes kind of at a loss as to where to go next. fortunately Logan starts starving people shortly afterwards, so if nothing else it gives him a kickstart into the rest of his life. Subsequently, Lucius will hold a vendetta against Logan for the rest of his life, even after he has been in a relationship with Morgan for years - he will never forgive him for the shit he put the common people through, and he doesnt really give a shit about the ~pressures~ Logan was under at the time. fuckin excuses, man. 

Ingrained habits/forces of habit

Logan - his terrible sleeping/eating patterns. even before trauma and night-terrors made it almost impossible for him to sleep peacefully, he didn’t get more than 5 or 6 hours a night, if that.

Lucius - if something is smaller than him, he’ll protect it. he’ll also protect things bigger than him, if given half the chance. hes basically a golden retriever in human form, which is ironic considering his feelings about dogs.

What it takes to make them cry

Logan - would rather die than cry, quite literally.

Lucius - his heart is softer than butter, he’ll cry at anything. he’ll cry at an injured pigeon on the street. 

Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’

Logan - never, ever, ever talks about what happened in Aurora. The details die with him.

Lucius - he doesn’t really have any - he’s not ashamed of much in his life, and he’s never done anything terrible enough to render it a skeleton. 

People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them

Logan - L M A O. yes, it affected him terribly, but tbqh however much its affected him kind of plays second fiddle to how much his actions affected other people.

Lucius - has killed a lot of people who deserved it during his mercenary years, and justifies it to himself by being absolutely certain that they did deserve it. sometimes he doubts this, though, and that doubt plays a big part in his eventually getting out of the game entirely

People who’ve influenced them greatly

Logan - Walter, tho he’ll never admit it in a million years and he still definitely kneecapped him right at the start of the game so idk what that says about him

Lucius - Morgan. it’s real gay, i know, but there it is.

[thetravelerwrites]

Setting the Record Straight

Rating: General Audiences Fandom: 魔法使いの嫁 | Mahou Tsukai no Yome | The Ancient Magus Bride Characters: Elias Ainsworth, Hatori Chise, Ruth, Silkie, Alice Words:3985

Chise gets annoyed by people asking if she's afraid of Elias and explains exactly why she's not. Please Leave feedback.

A sharp knock at the door interrupted their afternoon tea. Elias turned his head, but Chise shot up and was at the door before he could speak.

"Alice!" He heard Chise say in surprise. "Hi, what brings you by?"

Elias stood, allowing Silver to collect their dishes, and followed Chise out into the hall. Ruth padded after him.

"Hey there," Alice said cheerfully, standing on the porch of the Ainsworth residence. She held up a gift bag. "I heard it was your birthday not too long ago. I stopped by to give you this."

Chise stepped back to give her room to enter. "Oh,” She said softly. "You didn't have to buy me a gift."

Alice laughed as she stepped inside. "Don't worry, I didn't buy it. It's a hand-me-down. I got a new one, so I thought you like to have this one. It still works great, I just don't need two." She looked up at Elias and chuckled. "That is, if your jailer here is allowing contraband."

"Die," Elias said gruffly.

Alice stepped past him, flipping her hair, and made for the sitting room without invitation. Chise looked at Elias questioningly.

"It's fine," Elias said. "I'll be in the study."

She smiled and nodded, following Alice with Ruth on her heels. The door closed behind them with a snap.

Sighing, he made for the study but stopped when he realized he'd left the book he was reading on the kitchen table and doubled back for it.

He could hear the voices of the two young women muffled through the door and decided not to intrude, but hearing his own name made him stop and lean against the wall, listening. He had a vague sense that perhaps this was a private conversation, but curiosity got the better of him.

"I doubt the bonehead would give you one of these," Alice said haughtily.

"I don't think Elias even knows what it is," Chise said, laughing softly. "He's not too familiar with modern technology; at least, not that I've seen. He doesn't even own a radio or a landline phone."

"I don't know what kind of music you like, but I have pretty eclectic tastes, so I put a mix of everything on there. If there's anything you like particularly, I can replace the songs you don't like with more of the kind you do."

"Thanks, Alice, this is really nice," Chise replied.

"So what did Elias get you for your birthday?"

"He saved my life. That's gift enough for me."

"You mean from the freak?"

"Cartaphilus isn't a freak, Alice. He was just in a lot of pain. Pain can make people do terrible things."

There was a silence, during which time Elias remembered a few terrible things he'd done while he had been in pain. He hadn't recognized it as pain at the time because it wasn't physical; it was inside his chest and stomach and gnawed at him as though trying to eat it's way out of his body.

It wasn't until after he recovered Chise and had a long talk with her that he realized the pain he felt in her absence was emotional. He was experiencing loss, grief, and guilt: three emotions with which he had been previously unfamiliar because he'd never felt them before. He was hoping now that he knew what they were, he'd be able to react better in the future should such feelings arise again, though he dearly hoped that they never would.

He had heard such feelings could cause a person to die. Before, he didn’t believe such a thing could be possible, but now he was absolutely certain it was true. If Chise left again never to return, if she were to die, could he survive that? He wasn’t sure. And even if he did survive, he would never be the same. One day of rejection was enough to destroy what humanity he possessed and reverted him back to a mindless monster, lost and devastated. If she were gone forever? If he never saw her face or heard her voice again? He feared what he might become.

Chise’s soft laughter brought him back to his senses. It was sometimes difficult to catch the undercurrent of a conversation if he couldn't see the faces of those speaking, so he melted into the wall and shimmied under the door to find a shadow within the sitting room to hide in. He caught Silver's disapproving stare as he slipped under, but ignored it.

Alice was sitting in the chair closest to the door and Chise was on the couch with Ruth's head in her lap. There was a small, white, rectangular device with a accompanying cords sitting on the coffee table. This must have been Alice's gift. Chise was right: he had no idea what that was.

"I still can't get over seeing Ainsworth turn into that huge... thing," Alice began again.

Chise didn't respond, and Elias wondered what she was thinking. Her face was impassive.

"I mean, I'd never admit this to anyone but you, but that guy scares me when he goes all beast-mode. Weren't you scared?"

"Yes, I was," Chise said, and Elias felt deep sinking in his gut. Chise always swore he didn't frighten her, but deep down he always felt that he must. How could he not? Could she have been lying? Why? To spare his feelings? She was kind enough to do so, but the thought that he truly did frighten her made him feel... he didn't know. Disappointed? No, that wasn't strong enough. Disheartened? Disconcerted? Some sort of word with the letter D in it.

"I wasn't scared of Elias, though," Chise clarified a second later, and the heaviness Elias felt evaporated. He took a breath, not realizing he hadn't been breathing.

"I was scared of the situation. I was afraid to lose Elias or Ruth, or Stella, or you. I was afraid Cartaphilus or Ashen Eye would kill one of you. I was afraid I would fail and I wouldn't be able to fix the damage I had caused. There was a lot fear and anxiety bouncing around in my head, but none of it was because of Elias."

She paused, and a shadow passed across her face, barely discernible, gone in an instant. Elias couldn’t say what it meant, but it caused an unpleasant prickling sensation in him.

She took a breath and smiled. "I know who and what Elias is. I know he can take on may forms. None of them scare me. It never has."

"Really?" Alice asked in disbelief. "You're not scared of him? Not at all?"

Suddenly, Chise's voice rose in exasperation. "Why is that so hard to believe?" She asked, throwing up her hands. "Do you know how tired I am of people asking me that, especially him?"

There was a stunned silence. Alice had backed away a little. Ruth even seemed surprised.

Chise sighed and held up her hands placatingly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. Look, let me tell you a story, alright?"

"Okay," Alice said slowly.

Chise closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "When I was eight, I was sent to an orphanage for girls in a small town outside of Okayama. By that age, I was used to doing things by myself, so I just got on with it. No one took enough notice of me to tell me what to do, so there was no need to ask permission, I just did what I needed to do. It was enough to go on with, and I survived it fairly well.” Her eyes went flat with introspection. “I think that’s why I’m so bad at letting people help me. I’m so used to being on my own and doing for myself that it just doesn’t occur to me to ask for help most of the time. I’m still getting used to that.”

“I totally get that,” Alice said. “My parents were blitzed out of the minds most of the time, so I was pretty much a street kid. I did whatever I wanted, as long as wasn’t hassled too much. A kid alone on the street is pretty much a target for every lowlife looking to take advantage. I learned to use a knife to my advantage pretty early on.”

Chise listened sympathetically in silence and waited as if expecting Alice to expand upon her story. Instead, Alice motioned for Chise to continue.

"On my first day of school in the new town, I left the orphanage and walked to school alone. To get there, you had to pass the town center. There was a big ornamental fountain right in the middle, and sitting on it was a huge red creature the size of a double-decker bus. No one else could see it; they passed it by like it wasn’t a giant nightmare looming over all of their heads. Oblivious.

“The… thing, whatever it was, was made up of nothing but tentacles, teeth, and eyeballs. Now, I was used to seeing weird things all the time and I'd gotten used to living in a constant state of anxiousness, but this was the biggest, creepiest thing I'd ever seen. It terrified me more than anything else had up to that point. I still have nightmares about it.

“I tried to ignore it, but somehow it realized I could see it and it began to follow me. It followed me to school and sat outside my classroom window, making obscene faces at me. It followed me back to the home and sat outside my bedroom window, licking the glass. It followed me for three months."

"Jesus," Alice said in an undertone.

Chise's face was dark and pained. "It constantly told me it was going to steal me away and drink my blood. It told me all the terrible things it wanted to do to me. It delighted in seeing how scared I was. It told me that as soon as I let my guard down, it would get me, and then it would lash out at me. It’s tentacles were apparently covered in barbs, because it left cuts and scratches all over me. I stopped sleeping. I stole a knife and hid it under my pillow. I kept arriving at school and back home covering in cuts and bruises. People thought I was insane and hurting myself. They didn't believe that there was this awful thing hunting me and hurting me. No one listened.

"One night, I was so tired that I couldn't stop myself and I fell asleep. I woke up because I felt a pain in my leg and when I opened my eyes, I realized that thing had managed to get the window open and was dragging me outside by my ankle. My leg was cut wide open and bleeding everywhere. I used the knife to cut at it and it let go and disappeared. The caretakers saw me with a knife in my hand and a huge gash in my leg and assumed I had done it to myself. It was the first and only time I ever threw a real screaming fit. I cried and yelled and shouted and told the caretakers that it would kill me. I told them that if they didn’t send me far away, I would run away myself. They thought I had lost mind.”

"Did they move you, though?" Alice asked.

"Oh, yes," Chise replied flatly. "To a mental asylum. The doctors there diagnosed me with paranoid depressive schizo-affective disorder with a tendency toward self harm. They deemed me a danger to myself and others and I was kept in a locked room by myself for six months."

"Holy shit," Alice breathed. Elias was equally shocked.

"Yeah." Chise was silent for a moment. "It wasn't as bad as you might think, though. The asylum had iron bars on the window, which I didn't know at the time was keeping the bad things out. It was the first time in my life I didn't see things that other people couldn't. Being alone for once was kind of nice. There was no one telling me how delicious I was. There were no creatures trying to scare me. It was quiet, but it was a peaceful quiet. I thought maybe I was actually crazy and that being at the asylum was making me better. But then they released me, and all the bad things came back. The medicine they gave me didn't help. If anything, it made me feel more crazy.

"But you know what the worst part of that story is?" Chise asked Alice, who shook her head. "That tentacle creature was not unique. It stands out in my head because it stalked me for so long, but there have been many monsters like it trying to hurt me my whole life. Some of them succeeded, and some of them weren't even fae. Humans can be just as monstrous as the monsters."

Her eyes were dark, and Alice nodded knowingly. Elias felt disquieted. Chise often talked about her past experiences with fae creatures but was far less open about her experiences with other humans. Elias hadn't thought much about it before, but now he wondered just how much she had suffered at the hands of her own people.

"When I first saw Elias, was I surprised? Yes, of course," Chise admitted. "But I wasn't scared. Compared to that red monstrosity that terrorized me outside of Okayama, Elias was practically cuddly."

Alice snorted at the description. "Cuddly isn't the word I would use to describe Ainsworth."

"You don't know him," Chise blurted out, then bit her lip. Alice smirked at her and narrowed her eyes.

"You have weird taste," Alice said.

"Hey," Ruth retorted, lifting his head off of the couch next to Chise. She patted him down.

"No, she's right," Chise said with a laugh. "But weird isn't the same as wrong."

"I suppose that's true," Alice admitted. She stood up and stretched.

"Leaving already?" Chise asked, a little disappointed.

"Yeah, sorry," Alice said. "Renfred and I are running a new test at the college tomorrow and I gotta be up early. I just wanted to make sure you got your gift. Maybe someday soon I can take you out to lunch, though."

Chise smiled in return. "That sounds nice."

Elias used the distraction of Alice's departure to quickly jump through the shadows to his study. He rematerialized and sat at his desk, attempting to look busy and preoccupied.

He heard a knock at the door.

"Come in," he called.

Chise opened the door and Ruth followed her inside.

Elias attempted to be nonchalant. "How was your visit with Renfred's apprentice?"

"She has a name, Elias," Chise said, her hand on her hips. She wore a frown. "You know, it's rude to eavesdrop on other people's conversations."

Elias sucked in a breath. So she had known he was there. She was becoming very perceptive to him, not always to his benefit.

"My apologies," he said. No point in denying it. "I was curious." He tried changing the subject. "What gift did she give you?"

"Oh." Chise held up the white rectangle. "It's an MP3 player."

"A what?" He asked, baffled.

"A music player," she clarified. The white cord attached to the rectangle branched into two separate cords, at the ends of which sat little round objects. "You select a song you'd like to hear," she said, demonstrating. He saw a small screen flip through song titles. "And then the music plays through the earphones." She held one up for him, but then faltered. "Uhh..."

"Yes?"

"Do you have ears?"

That was an interesting question. Did he? "I am obviously capable of perceiving sound, though I am not sure from where."

She frowned again. "Bend down."

He obliged her, and she held out her fingers next to where he assumed he might have ears were he human, and snapped them. "Is that louder than normal?"

"No, but I think you're on to something. Try again."

After some trial and error, they determined he best perceived sound just behind and slightly above the bone that made up his lower mandible. There was a shadowy hollow there than may have actually been an ear canal. She held an ear bud there and pressed play.

Elias listened for a moment and said, "Ah, I see."

Chise smiled and put the other bud in her ear, and they listened to the song together.

"What a pleasant tune," Elias said as the song ended. "This was a thoughtful gift."

"Yes," Chise agreed. "I like it very much.”

Elias straightened as Chise put the music device in her pocket. Chise turned to leave Elias to his work when he stopped her.

“Chise,” He began slowly. “Is what you told Alice true? About my monstrous forms never frightening you?”

Chise sighed in frustration. “Again? How many times do I have to say it before you believe me?”

“At one point, you seemed to hesitate. Why?”

Chise was silent, and Elias thought she might deny it. She looked down at the floor. Ruth nudged her hand and gave her a pointed look. She sighed again.

“Look, I want to be as honest with you as I can be,” She began. “The truth is, your forms don’t scare me. The fact that you used to eat humans doesn’t scare me. The fact that you’re bigger and stronger and more powerful than me doesn’t scare me. The fact that if you wanted to, you could devour me in three bites has never bothered me at all.”

“But?”

She paused and sucked in a long, shaky breath. “But you did scare me once. You scare me when you do things you think are rational, when you act in a way that puts others at risk because you want to help me.”

“You’re referring to what happened with Stella,” Elias said.

“Yes,” Chise said, still avoiding his eye. “You really scared me then, Elias.”

“I know,” He replied mournfully. “And I am truly sorry. I did not understand then what I stood to lose. I understand now.” He grew thoughtful and said, “When you confronted me, you said you thought I was different. You cried. I didn’t understand what you meant.”

Chise did look at him then. “The fae treat humans like they’re disposable. Like tools to be used until they’re no longer valuable and then tossed away. I had thought, because you were part human, that you would value human life more than other fae did. I was… disappointed to learn that I was wrong.”

Now it was Elias who failed to meet Chise’s eye. He hung his head, feeling guilty. There was another feeling there, one he couldn’t put a name to.

“You don’t have to love every human out there, Elias. You don’t even have to like any of them. But people are not expendable. You can’t use them with no regard to how it will effect them or the people in their lives. My life is not worth more than Stella’s, or any other human being, just because you care more about me and less about them.”

Elias was unsure he understood this. Chise was infinitely more important to him than any other human. He would gladly sacrifice every life on Earth if it meant saving hers, fae and human alike. Was that wrong? He didn’t understand how.

“What if you had succeeded?” Chise continued. “What if you had transferred the curse to Stella and she died in my place? Can you imagine how her family would feel if she never came home?”

“I’m afraid I cannot,” He replied.

“Don’t you remember how you felt when I left you and you didn’t know if I’d come back?”

“Yes, I felt…” Elias thought for a moment. The pain he felt when she left surfaced again and he struggle to put it into words. Cold was inadequate. So was lonely. It took him several minutes of reflection before he finally decided on a word that felt appropriate.

“Broken.”

Chise’s eyes widened and her lips parted. Whatever she was expecting him to say, it wasn’t that. After a moment, though, she got back on track.

“Don’t you think that’s how her family would have felt? Losing a child is devastating for most parents. If you had gone through with it, you wouldn’t only have killed her, but you would have broken her entire family as well. Some people can’t live with that kind of loss. My mother couldn’t. I barely could. Don’t you realize that?”

He hadn’t. Elias had not even taken Stella’s family into consideration in his single-minded fervor to complete the ritual. His jaws opened in surprise as sudden understanding filled his mind.

“I see,” He said in a wondering tone. “I see.”

“Do you?” She asked him. She took his face in her hands and made him look her in the eye. “Do you really see?”

“Yes, I believe I do. Loss is a terrible thing to endure. It is not a feeling I would wish upon another.” He huffed unhappily. “Is this what it is to empathize?”

Chise nodded.

“This lesson in human behavior was certainly hard-learned.” He replied.

“Yes,” She agreed. “It’s one I wish I had taught you sooner.”

Elias sighed. “I am trying, Chise,” He said plaintively. “I’m trying to learn, even though it is difficult for me to grasp at times.”

“I know you are, Elias. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. If I thought you couldn’t learn, I’d never be able to stay with you.”

“I know.” He leaned his long skull against her forehead. “Believe me, I never wish to lose you again. I need you to help me understand so that I can do better. If you are willing to be patient with me, I shall endeavor to try harder.”

She sighed and smiled, planting a soft peck on the ridge above his nose. “That’s all I can ask for.”

“Chise,” He said, pulling back to look at her better. “I feel an emotion that I cannot identify. I’ve felt it since that day when you discovered my plan and ran from me, when you cried and struck me. Can you help me understand?”

“Yes,” She replied earnestly. “What does it feel like?”

“Guilt, but stronger. A cold knot in my stomach that makes me anxious and sets my nerves on edge. But at the same time, it makes me sad. Do you know what it might be?”

She considered him, hanging his head like a berated dog and not looking at her.

“I’m not completely sure, but I think it might be… shame.”

Elias straightened and looked down at her, processing the information. “Yes. I believe you’re correct,” He said quietly. “I am ashamed.”

“That’s good,” Chise said encouragingly.

“It is?”

“Yes. It means you truly understand your mistake and are capable of learning from it. That’s a good step going forward.”

“How do I make this awful feeling go away?” He asked a little desperately. “It is most distressing.”

“Maybe you could do something nice for Stella,” She offered. “Invite her for tea, or even go with me the next time I visit her family.”

Elias nodded. “Both are fine ideas. I will do that.”

“Good,” She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tight. He draped his arms over her shoulders in return, nuzzling her head with his snout, careful not to snag his teeth on her skin.

From the circle of his arms, she looked up at him with her wide, lovely eyes. “Would you like to listen to some music with me?”

“Nothing would please me more,” Elias responded. “After, I’d like to hear more about your childhood, if that’s all right.”

“Sure,” She said, taking his hand and leading him back to the sitting room.

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My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist

[masterturner]

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

[laneypenn]

i’m super emotional about chrysdric lately... like okay so, they’re really different in a lot of ways, but if they were in a relationship, they’d be growing and learning from each other all the dang time... it’d be so adorable. also they have so many differences in virtues and vices that i cant help but compare them

i think this’ll get long so under cut

like, i can imagine chrysta asking cedric for help with being a teacher because he’s so much better at teaching than she is. like, for example, in “the princess and the protector” (sorry for no screencaps this episode isnt on netflix or disneyNOW so), chrysta’s introduced as sofia’s protector trainer who’s judgmental and rude, and she keeps claiming sofia doesn’t have the potential to be a protector just because she’s a princess. 

sofia calls her out on it and she learns her lesson by the end of the episode, but chrysta is just lucky to have sofia as a trainee. if it was someone else, say, princess vivian, chrysta’s trainee would not have gotten to their enchantlet by sundown. sofia only succeeded because she’s stubborn, headstrong, and she doesn’t give up on what she wants (which i might say is actually because she’s had cedric as a friend/mentor for a few years, but that’s a whole other post)

cedric, on the other hand, is actually a pretty fantastic teacher. like in “substitute cedric”, he gives a more detailed description on how to do the spell that sofia’s class was learning (chrysta’s explanation of what feather walking is was longer than her explanation on how to do it. her instruction was “put your feet down as gently as possible and float over the surface, light as can be.” which basically is just “walk lightly!”)

cedric isn’t a great teacher at this specific part of the episode, but that’s mostly because he’s focused on something else and the class was learning this spell the day before. he’s still easier to understand than chrysta and when sofia asks him to show the class the spell one more time, he (begrudgingly) agrees to, whereas when sofia asked chrysta to let her try to feather walk again, chrysta doesn’t let her, claiming that since it only took her two tries to get it right, sofia shouldn’t need more than three

the only time cedric insults sofia’s class outwardly is at this point, when he’s frustrated that all of them can’t do the spell and has to stay in there showing them how to do it, cutting into his time at the greenhouse

this is more of a case of cedric just being a general asshole than it is cedric being a bad teacher, though. he actually stayed with the kids and kept showing them the spell to help them get it right, which he really didn’t have to do

cedric really starts to glow as a teacher when the kids from hexley hall stick him to a chair and he has to show the royal prep kids how to do the disappearo spell

he can’t even move to show them how anymore, but he still explains clearly how to perform the spell and doesn’t get mad at the kids when they can’t do it right. it’s quickly clear why he isn’t mad 

(i love the di-di-di-di-di-di noise he makes here and i find it funny that netflix subs it as “now, now” because thats not what hes saying at all)

(for space im cutting the little part where vivian does the spell)

please ignore his very evil look, it’s just his face. also, i love this song, so listen to it if you haven’t lately

anyways, cedric is more competent than chrysta in the right situations. he encourages the kids to keep trying, build up their confidence, and pushes vivian to actually try to do the spell instead of just giving up like she wants to. chrysta, in contrast, pushed sofia to give up when she failed to teach her well and kept taking personal shots at her for being a princess.

also, i think it’s worth mentioning that chrysta only has to deal with teaching sofia, the girl who can learn quickly and understand confusing instructions while asking minimal questions, the girl who was the one who had to teach her class to do a spell while cedric was stuck, and she still thought that it was a burden. 

moving away from the topic of teaching, cedric and chrysta are both trying to be better people and stop pushing people away when they want to be friends. cedric pushed people away all his life because everyone mocked him relentlessly, so he vowed to himself that he’d get super powerful and screw them over one day... so if anyone ever reached out to him to try to be his friend, it’s safe to assume that he just never let anyone get close.

meanwhile, chrysta actively tried to make friends with other fairies, but she was more rough and tumble than the people she wanted to be friends with and couldn’t be their friend after a couple of tries, so she gave up entirely. 

then, when she became a protector, she didn’t want anyone to worry about her and feel obligated to be her friend, so she’d tell lies about how extravagant her wassalia was to keep anyone from worrying for her. (this ep isnt on the disneyNOW app either so no screencaps)

both cedric and chrysta have a hard time making friends (cedric moreso than chrysta) so it seems likely to me for sofia to want to introduce them to each other.

another big thing that i was very interested in is their capacity for giving up.

chrysta is stubborn, of course, but she gives up a lot. she gave up on sofia before she even met her. she gave up on becoming friends with the other fairies after maybe three tries to hang out with them. and since she’s clearly allowed to try again as an adult in “undercover fairies” -

she gave up on getting her fairy wand, too.

cedric, however, has a very hard time giving up. for three seasons of the show, he’s trying all the time to claim the throne of enchancia because that’s what he’s wanted ever since people turned against him when he messed up his sister’s hair. but not giving up isnt always a good thing.

in “day of the sorcerers”, he has to talk himself back into taking over the kingdom because it feels wrong, he isn’t sure that’s what he wants anymore... but he can’t not do it, it’s what he’s wanted for so, so many years...

he only gives up when it looks like he’s in physical pain at the idea of hurting sofia this way

(and he does give up, he’s not just defeated by sofia. he does everything short of just handing the wand to her)

so like, cedric doesnt give up easily, and chrysta does. i mean, looking at it from a smaller lens can make it seem like the other way around, with cedric failing at all his schemes and chrysta always seeming to succeed, but it’s clear in the big picture that this is the case.

tl;dr, shipping goggles make you look at everything in new lights and at first glance, it seems like cedric’s not good enough for chrysta, but upon inspection they’re both kinda flawed characters that would make for an interesting relationship. thanks for coming to my TED talk