#im here to SPEND my money and time doing something i like
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i've been thinking about this one again a LOT so:
Eddie never said anything about the letters.
Not that Wayne wanted him to, just a fact of the matter.
And consequently, Wayne forgot about them until about five years later.
He's older now, so's Eddie. Along with the added years of experience came the fame. The billboards, the charts, the money, all that good stuff.
His nephew, no, his son was thriving, loving every minute. One album under his belt and another on it's way.
The final show of this tour wound up in Indianapolis, so Wayne made the trek north to see Eddie for the first time in about three years at that point, getting ushered back stage as soon as his ticket was scanned ("You ain't payin' for shit, boy. Lemme support you how I can.").
"Right through here, Mr. Munson." The stagehand gestures him forward through a door and he's immediately accosted by a flying head of curls.
"Jesus Christ Ed, I ain't as spry as a use'ta be!" he complains, grabbing the kid up in a hug.
"I know," he says over Wayne's shoulder, "Jeff only just convinced me not to jump."
"And for that, I thank 'im." Wayne lets him go, looking around the room. "Nice place y'got here. A bit small, but it's nice."
Eddie rolls his eyes, "Ha Ha Ha."
They spend a good half hour catching up on things, then, after the same stagehand gives them the "Five minutes Mr. Munson." warning, Wayne finds himself in the wings in front of an absolutely jam-packed stadium.
Now he loves his nephew, don't get him wrong, but his music was never much Wayne's speed. Charlie Daniels, Dolly, Clarence Clearwater? absolutely. Eddie's deafening guitar and pyrotechnics? ... well, he loves the kid...
All this to say that even knowing how well Eddie's done for himself now, how well his album sold, how many people are here, it surprises the hell outta him when the entirety of the sold out show screams for an encore Eddie says "isn't like anything you just heard, but it's pretty important to me if you care to stay."
Jeff comes off the stage, gestures for Wayne to take off his construction-grade noise cancelling headphones, and says "You'll wanna hear this one."
Wayne shrugs, passes the headphones to the first person that reaches for them, then turns his attention back to the stage as Eddie gets comfortable on a stool without his beloved sweetheart.
"Yeah, I know right? Far cry from my baby, huh?" he laughs, showing off the acoustic in his arms to the whole place.
It's only when he shows the thing to Wayne's side of the throng that he can see the flash of white on the black face.
It's his acoustic. His as in Wayne's before, his as in it's Eddie's now, the one that's had 'This machine slays dragons' scrawled onto it for a couple decades now at this point.
Wayne's heart swells at the sight.
"Now, like I said, this is nowhere near the show you came for, but I've got a special someone here tonight and this song is for them." Teasing oohs and wolf whistles sound across the crowd as Eddie nods, "Mmhm, mhmm, that's correct, my Uncle's here tonight."
The gathered masses howl with laughter at that and Wayne can't help but join in.
"So, to preface this, I left home with a stick up my ass about how no one understood me in my tiny hometown, not that far from here, actually, and my dear Uncle Wayne just nodded at me, let me bitch and complain, and said 'See ya.'."
More laughter echoes up at him.
"Come to find out, he'd been saving me money for years before that, for just such an occasion. Do you wanna know when I found this out?" he nods sagely at the noisy response, "Yep, correct, I found out a month ago when I finally went through that one box that'd been haunting the back of my closet."
Eddie looks back to where Wayne is standing out of sight, "You couldn't have said something? There was a whole grand in that envelope!"
He grins as the crowd jeers and playfully boos along with Eddie, then just shrugs at his nephew.
Eddie rolls his head around as he turns back to the crowd. "Anyway, Wayne, this one's for you."
To say the song was not at all what Wayne expected would be an understatement. The one of the century.
He expected a few alternating chords and more jokes on his behalf that he'd have to rib Eddie for later or something of the sort.
No chance in hell he'd ever expect this.
Nor did he think he'd get all misty-eyed.
Wayne recognizes some of the things he'd written into the letters, some things he's sure he'd told Eddie in the first couple years of him living with him...
When the song is over, the people there for his nephew cheer sky high for him. Chant Wayne's name until he makes his appearance, striding out under the lights to hug his son in front of everyone else who loves him.
(and then eddie sends him all the copies of the magazines and papers the picture of them hugging on stage in front of thousands gets printed in. the one that makes it into a frame and onto the wall, however, is a clipping that says Eddie Munson plays heartfelt ballad for his Uncle, Wayne Munson, who (according to one fan present at the show) "looks exactly like I thought he would.".)
more munsons | my ko-fi | my other works
you're gonna go far
eddie & wayne picture fic based on this post
(long post ahead, but bear with me)
4/10/1984 Eddie, Iâm starting this letter after you came home with the letter from the school saying youâre not graduating this year. I could tell you didnât believe me when I told you itâll be alright, that itâll all work out in the end. That it did for me when I had the same talk with my pa.. but you eventually stepped back from the edge, I think, youâre in your room now. There was something else there too, which is really why I'm writing this now. You have the same look in your eye that I saw in my own reflection long before I got drafted, the look I saw in your dadâs when Lizzie told us she was pregnant. Youâre already planning your escape. And I wonât hold it against you when you do kick rocks, I just pray you give me a little warning so I can say goodbye. And I ainât a praying man. Iâm tucking away some cash with this for when you go. Donât have much, but I have you. And I wanna make sure you have the best start you possibly can.
10/11/1984 Itâs been rough for you again. Working at Merrillâs has been good for you. Getting fresh air, sunshine, shit, even your gangly noodles you call arms are looking less noodley. But they just sent you home early today.. something wrong with the crop and they wonât need the extra hands this season. That, starting school again, even Ronnie leaving last week.. I know you two kids were close. You ainât even getting all excited for halloween! Adding some more cash for you, little more than I could last time. Just hang in there kiddo.Â
6/5/1985 I think you think you donât know, and Iâm willing to let you pretend for a little while longer, but shit, Eddie, you think I wouldnât know when graduation was supposed to be just because you werenât the one to tell me? You know I wonât be mad at you. If you donât say anything for another week, I will. 6/7/1985 - There it is.
7/22/1985 I was able to talk you down again that night, and you âre getting back to your old self again. I still canât believe you had your whole room all packed up like that. Iâll give ya that speech all over again as many times as you need, but Iâll write it down here for you: Youâre gonna go far, Eddie. Youâre gonna tear outta here next year and youâre gonna knock âem all dead. You are so talented, you are much more than any of us Munsons have ever been or will ever be, and youâre gonna be the biggest star in the world. You mark my words. And I know youâre gonna fight leavinâ when the time comes, thinking you need to take care of me or some crap but I promise you: The birdsâll still sing, the trailer will still creak, the leaves will die and fall like they do every year, but Iâll be here whenever you need to come back. Iâll be here as long as you need. If thatâs forever, so be it.
8/15/1985 Iâm taking you up north this weekend. Just to get away, yâknow? Before your LAST senior year starts. Might be cutting it a little close on funds, happens when youâre trying to survive, but weâre overdue for a change of scenery. We ainât living just to die. Only a little going in this time, but Iâll be damned if I donât add something along with a new note.
10/5/1986 Been a while since I added to this, huh? Well, itâs finally happening. You are leaving tomorrow and boy did you make a stink before you did. Went on a whole tirade about needing to get out of this damn town, about not being able to get anywhere when everyone except me is against you. I wanted to point out that youâve got your band guys and that Harrington boy in your corner too, but I didn't think youâd like me interrupting your whole big speech about who it is you love and being queer and all that with a âYeah. I know. You and Steve make moon-eyes at each other all the damn time.â Iâll make sure to pass on your info to him when I get it. He doesnât seem like one to hold a grudge (or at least not hold it long), so I'm sure heâll be the first in line to greet you the next time you find yourself in our neck of the woods. Those kidsâll miss you too yâknow. Theyâll be college age before you know it. Iâm gonna pack up this envelope and stash it in your stuff somewhere I know youâll find it again. so you can find it when you need it. Canât believe I managed to save you close to a grand. Not enough by a long shot, but itâll help ya for a while. Been saving for a years now, yâknow.. Now Eddie. I told you all this last year, and just now before you slunk off to bed, but here it is again, just in case you need to hear it: - Iâm proud of you. - I love you more than youâll know. - You love whoever it is you want to love (as long as iâm on that list somewhere) - Iâm glad youâre getting out of here when you can. And Iâll continue to be glad that you did even when things get hard. When Iâm doing all the chores around here myself, when I go visit Al in county even though I know all weâre gonna do is fight⌠Iâll be so grateful youâre making your own way in the world far from here. Iâm not angry at you, Teddy. But youâll be the greatest thing Iâve lost. Iâll always be here if you need me. Wayne
some notes!
-i hc wayne as a military man ofc and bc of that, my own sloppy, all caps, post military handwriting is perfect for him!
-i like to think eddie thinks he's slick and wayne didn't know he liked boys until he was about to leave but wayne knows. of course he knows. al told him why he kicked eddie out, wayne just didn't think it was his place to bring it up before eddie did.
-didn't think too much farther after this, but let's just say that steddie happens when eddie comes back to hawkins in a couple years when the shitheads graduate.
#you're gonna go far#noah kahan#the munsons my beloveds#wayne munson#eddie munson#picture fic#noelle writes#(literally)
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Can someone please explain to me WHY no one can accept that I knit for pleasure?? Every time someone compliments me on my knitting they ask me if I've thought about selling it. NO GOD DAMMIIT NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A SIDE HUSTLE
It would take all the pleasure out of it.
Bring back people doing things for fun. Jesus.
#knitting#hobbies#crafting#for the love of god kill the grind#no im not making an etsy shop#im here to SPEND my money and time doing something i like
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i actually wanted to buy a new sketchbook today but they didn't have the only brand I like using at empik
#idk why#where is ittt#i thought there was a ton of them and then i looked and it was those oxford sketchbooks woth disgustingly smooth paper#all sketchbooks out there are either too textured or too smooth#i like canson pls canson come back#i would like a different brand preferably with colored covers cause im tired of the black i want a pink sketchbook or something#but everything is blackkkk#and the covers are thick as fuck too#i tried a different brand two times now and every time i just wasted my money i cant do that shit it was awful#i want to buy online but i like to touch the paper before buying ugh#that's why i can't buy those sketchbooks that are wrapped in foil at stores#who even came up with that that's an awful idea#i bought one of those art creation sketchbooks that have their own stand at the art store here they look like fancy premium sketchbooks#literally the worst paper ive had the displeasure of drawing on#lined school notebooks i drew in in primary school are better than that#im in sketchbook hell ughhh#I've had moleskin when it was hyped a lot too and its mid too nothing worth spending this much money on
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so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????
#my dad is like#you can't just be in your room all the time then what's the point of you living here if ill be sitting here all alone then#and im like bhai what#mom also says this to me she always wanted to sit and rant and she used to say you never talk to me#both of these people don't even fucking get it that they're not even interested in me listening to me#mom just wants a sounding board for her venting and dad just wants someone to pretend everything is okay and happy all the time and#the only important things in life is the immediate present and food and making money and stuff#i swear this is why i feel so ????? about myself my identity like no i can't describe myself#because there is no myself there is just a white sheet of paper where people can write whatever they want#im so tired man#why can't they just go and live with each other and leave us kids out of it đđ#like i genuinely am getting teary eyed about such a small thing but god. i want to have my own life so bad. im sick of feeling all these#complicated emotions guilt and anger and pity and obligation and duty like just god pls fuck off#people my age are so fucking mature and put together than me so confident so clear about their path#have friends partners breakups parties just so many new memories#and im just stuck.#and im fine with it now because i get it studying is really important and this is quite basic requirement to be perfect at#atleast my syllabus to survive in this industry#but then. let me do that only. please don't make me pretend to like you like spending time with you and everything#ive hated you for like. idk 14 whole years. since the first time you hit mom in front of me#i remember it so well like my childhood broke that day you slammed her into a wall for some stupid fight and her hair was all messy and#untied and you shouted so loud i thought surely everyone can hear. and then you left to roam around the city at night with your friends#i remember this because my mom and my sister sent me to check up on you with the excuse of a painting of a parrot that i had made#i didn't understand anything back then#but yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you for being so fucking delusional thinking i love you or something#ive prayed to god that you die and i still do#it would directly mean 4 people being happy#anyway#dni#this was meant to be fun and short lol fuck
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Hiiii!! Thanks for the tag! I donât know how I could possibly condense myself down to two pictures because who I am is so much but here was my attempt:
What's something you're really passionate about, and how did you discover it?
I think the closest thing I have is pet care, or more specifically bird care. I first interacted with my step-momâs budgie and absolutely fell in love with her (her name was Ozzie) and nearly a year later I got three budgies of my own (Tazz, Blue and Jupiter) and from then on Iâd gone down many spirals of researching proper bird care. I still do. Researching bird care extended to other animals. Proper care for cats, dogs, fish and axolotls specifically, hamster and other rodents, and several types of reptiles. I may not be as well versed in those other animals but I can tell you the basics of most; and I mean the real basics not pet store advice.
What's your favorite way to spend a weekend or free time?
I certainly like my downtime as I spend most of my time watching TV shows (lately itâs Greys anatomy [could you tell?] and modern family), reading, play games, and I always have music playing in the background, usually on my record player but sometimes just basic Bluetooth.
However, you give some money that is free to be spent and I have absolutely no problem spending my whole day shopping. I love shopping.
What's a piece of advice or a quote that has stuck with you over the years?
I think itâs always been, not an exact quote but, the concept of not caring what others think of you and just being who you are. Yes, I still do worry but for the most part Iâm confident in who I am.
Itâs not social anxiety, itâs more like social disdain lol (for the general public when Iâm, for example, out shopping. Not online)
What's your go-to comfort food or drink when you're feeling down? (Bonus points if you can give a recipe)
Any food that Im craving when Iâm feel upset will usually help but I canât name anything specific besides coffee or tea. (I love matcha anything)
What's the most meaningful gift you've ever given or received
I donât know and donât particularly want to answer this question.
Bonus: What's a random fun fact about yourself that most people don't know?
Itâs not really about me but I hyper fixated Shane Walsh so hard that my iPhone officially thinks weâre dating irl and has a memory called âthe early momentsâ. I refuse to correct it and find it deeply funny.
Tag Game!!
I thought it'd be fun to make a tag game for everyone, so here's my version!!
alongside this picrew, and 2 pictures you think describes you, answer some questions about yourself.
Whatâs something youâre really passionate about, and how did you discover it?
Whatâs your favorite way to spend a weekend or free time?
Whatâs a piece of advice or a quote that has stuck with you over the years?
Whatâs your go-to comfort food or drink when youâre feeling down? (Bonus points if you can give a recipe)
Whatâs the most meaningful gift youâve ever given or received
Bonus: Whatâs a random fun fact about yourself that most people donât know?
i'll go first
I'm Alyssa!
Whatâs something youâre really passionate about, and how did you discover it?
Mythology! I've been super into mythology in general since I was in middle school, and i can just talk about it for hours. I first discovered it when my friend forced me to read Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson series, and it spiraled from there.
Whatâs your favorite way to spend a weekend or free time?
Most of the time I have to take extra classes during weekends, but other than that I read whenever I can! Be it a physical copy, a pdf or even fanfiction I spend most of my time reading. But when I can find some time for myself I either write or make bracelets. Sometimes I work on my ocs' lore with my friend, so it really depends on how busy I am at that moment.
Whatâs a piece of advice or a quote that has stuck with you over the years?
My mom once told me "If someone isn't willing to value you or your efforts, don't waste your time on them. Don't give your all to people who won't do the same." And while it sounds mean at first, it's actually helped me over the years.
Whatâs your go-to comfort food or drink when youâre feeling down? (Bonus points if you can give a recipe)
Sßtlaç has been one of my top comfort foods for years now. It's a Turkish dessert made with rice, milk and sugar (and cinnamon, honey or nuts if i'm feeling fancy) Though sometimes i make cookies instead!
Whatâs the most meaningful gift youâve ever given or received?
I made over 300 paper stars in a sitting for my friend, each star representing a day i'd have known her on her birthday. I chose paper stars because they meant a lot to her. I also got her a (plastic) rose because she told me she thought she'd never get flowers from anyone.
Bonus: Whatâs a random fun fact about yourself that most people donât know?
I used to be afraid of dogs when I was younger. The reason was because my granddad had a little dog that loved running around. Whenever we went to visit my grandparents the little thing would chase me around the garden until one of us dropped because of exhaustion. I think this was my first childhood trauma.
Tagging (no pressure!) : @romaritimeharbor , @kopivie , @ruruumin , @strxnged , @femivi +
@mlkbwunnies , @aureusveill , @milk-violet , @camvrin , @strryskys + anyone who would like to join!
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Writing over 30,000 words worth of content for a fic only to realize itâs all pointless because you have no interest in it anymore and you were never gonna finish it anywayâŚ.
What even is The Point anymore
#current mood#itâs so joever#this isnât even the worst part honestly#what really sucks is that this project was the last thing in my life I had any sustainable interest in and now thatâs gone too.#now I have nothing. like#the fuck am I supposed to do??? get a new interest??? thatâs fucking impossible#nothing hits like it used to and everything is justâŚ.blandâŚ.and SO MUCH EFFORT to get into#like hobbies are so difficult? and my old hobbies (ex writing) are becoming more and more toxic and like a chore rather than something fun#like writing at this point has become a battle of perfectionism and Iâm fucking losing#what am I supposed to do. nothing inspires me. I have no interests. no hobbies. not many friends irl#and itâs not like we ever hang out because people are a fucking piece of work#either they cling to you like dog shit or they never respond to your texts no in between#im just so tired of existing??? and also college??? is fine but like#what the fuck am I DOING here like#why am I getting an art degree??? is this really how I should be spending my time and my parents money?#what the fuck am I gonna do for a job??? what do I WANT from a job???? I donât even fucking know#i canât see myself being happy in life doing anything and thatâs such a nonstarter#it makes it impossible to start planning anything because I feel paralyzed with fear#and like I saidâŚ.i donât have any interests. I donât LIKE anything. I am the antithesis of curiosity and interest like. thereâs just nothing#i canât do this anymore#im so done#idk why I made this so long but#I guess I have a lot on my mind I wanted to share#sorry for cringe posting on main it will happen again#im sorry in general actually for everything im sorry for being needy and attention seeking and annoying and flaky and never finishing any of#my fics because I lose interest and for not responding to anyone in my inbox Iâm sorry#personal#cringe#cringetober#long tags
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theOrEticalLy . if I opened commissions at some point. would there be. a smackerel of interest . ??
#i have never opened them bc itâs intimidating and I donât know how to price things!!#but mostly bc i work full time w a good salary so I donât really need side things to make money#like it feels selfish to suggest that people should pay me to make fanart?? When#a) I already do that for free bc i enjoy it lol#and b) there are so many creators out there who are struggling to make ends meet#and I am privileged enough to generally not have to worry about that#this would be just like extra spending money to fund my scented candle habit DHDJDN#and the clothes I just bought while trying to Discover My Vibe and Finally Be Myself (at age 28 lol)#also tbh it would likely be reinvested in other commissions bc I buy commissions fairly often lol#anyway. idk the idea of commissions always sounded cool but also guilt inducing and scary#it feels weird and silly bc it would make me have to take my art seriously if that makes sense??#like me saying âI think Iâm good enough at art that people would buy it from me.â that feels so bold and like. arrogant or something dhjsjd#coming from me I mean. just a silly little guy who still struggles to draw human limbs properly#ok Iâm thinking about how Iâd have to make a commission sheet and put a dollar sign on my art and Iâm aaaaaaa#and Iâd have to execute exactly what people want and what if I canât!!!#omg ok maybe noT help lol#well im not committing to anything rn im simply. asking a question while the dash is asleep and then running off to bed seeya#i think part of me always wanted to try commissions to see if I could be a Real Artist about it ??#and potentially end up with like. Portfolio pieces ??#why I would need an art portfolio I donât know. I am an editor. What do I think I will be doing here#ppl left comments on my animatic that have been giving me crazy what if thoughts. sit down#donât look at me#ohhh swirly brain thoughts I need to sleep
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ok so I get the schools football team is great and you can afford to spend thousands of dollars on signs that glow when they play and shit but can you go back to not charging kids for pads. or at least stocking the dispensers that do
#rant in tags sorry lol i hate it here#anyways#I don't generally take change with me when i go to the bathroom mid class#believe it or not#and half the time the dispensers are empty or broken anyway#âbut then kids will just take them allâ 1) how would anybody casually walk out of the restroom with 50 tampons#2) i think youd live#use that money you're always bragging on for something thats NOT showy sports gear or a fucking ten thousand dollar chandelier#hate rich schools because they have so much money they dont even bother spend it right#dont even get me started on the band#i like band !!! band is cool !!!! however my former high school had a great band#and they didn't BEG THEIR MEMBERS to sponsor THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS EACH FOR#on top of what they already have#AND THEY HAVE A LOT.#tbh ive never met more spoiled kids than the band ones at my school in my life#âwe didn't get to have 5 field trips to amusement parks this year. just four. of COURSE im upset; they dont fund band enoughâ#that kid got jumped on by three art kids and a teacher when that came out đđđ#they just expect this shit#do they notice what its taking from everyone else#i have a teacher whos worked with this school for like 25 years. which is remarkable as this school isnt very old. or this town#compared to my other schools at least#and every day she goes on about How Much She Hates what theyre doing#but she wont leave because she likes to teach#shes watched the school slowly transfer more and more of its budget to showy extra things#and give less and less to necessities#more money does not help.#not only is there nothing more they can take from some families without driving us outâ but they'll just keep wasting it.#theyre spoiled fucking rotten and you can't give them anything because itll never go where you want#out of tags but yeah i hate them and something needs to be done about the district#school problems
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not to be a colossal fucking cowabummer about everything but it really does suck that like. my really chill and like. supposedly more realistic type of career goal feels about as unattainable as like a kid saying he wants to be a singer or something
#kazoo noises#like yeah this was supposed to be a job i COULD get. i thought bc like. i was going into the field bc i loved the work and not bc i couldnt#make it into academia (fuck u alt-ac term users yall are snobs) id like maybe be able to cobble it together bc like. im good at doing work.#i can usually make something happen and i got a good attitude. but jesus ive got one year left and every job app comes back negative if the#even bother to respond#like idk man. i knew iwasnt gonna be making money or shit and i knew it was gonna be rough but like. everyone else i meet already has a gig#or at least like gig adjacent. volunteer or field experience or internship and like. i cant get anything to stick. its not like ive done#nothing either? ive worked extensively with small scale exhibition design. i have worked extensively with special collections libraries.#i have literal years worth of research experience from college. i have an entirely customer service based resume thats not academic so i#can handle a patron (and crucially different from my peers: I WANT TO)#i can organize. i can write and design labels. i can communicate. i can handle special collections objects. i can make ANY microfilm reader#work for me even when it doesnt want to#and im not saying my classmates arent qualified. but like. surely this has to amount to something. i have been so stupidly lucky#to have even half the experiences i do. i have variety in my degree that even some of my classmates would kill for i think. i did. so much.#i have had so many advantages and i like to think i use them well and that i am grateful for them. but why cant i make that shit connect???#my resume is good. im reliable. i want to work more than anything. so why cant i get a call back???#legitimately how much longer do i get to keep telling myself i a not the common denominator here#sorry for diary posting but im prepping to walk to the house tour and planning what job apps i can fill out when i get back and literally.#just like. why do i bother. i should have just held my nose and done the online only program in state. i'd probably spend less time rotting#god being 23 fucking sucks. it is going to be better. im literally just barely an adult. this cant be it and it wont be it. but jesus. i go#over having to beg for a rejection letter about ten months ago when i still felt like i had a shot at these experiences
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...
#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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thank you @ alice oseman for including the "explanations for american readers" at the end of the nick & charlie novella. truly a god-send bc it covers a few things / phrases i've been lost on and haven't found a simple answer for anywhere else
like no, i didn't need to know these school terms to understand or enjoy heartstopper, but i wanted to know and understand them and now i do
little joys
#listened to the audiobook#it took a bit to get used to the voices#i'm so used to joe & kit#i still prefer joe & kit and their voices but these guys weren't bad. just different#loved it btw#v glad i spent the money to buy it#yeah i have a physical copy of the book but with my reading struggles and my ocd being as bad as it has been lately i really just did not#feel up to fighting that fight today#spend a day or more trying to read a book that took me two hours to listen to?? i feel like i gave up by doing it this way this time but#i just fucking can't#i cannot deal with that#i cannot deal with the mental battle every goddamn time i want to read something#its bad enough i have to fight through it to read fics or just posts on my dash or shit for work or literally everything everywhere#im taking the mental break where i can get it i guess#anyway#check it out if you haven't#the nick & charlie novella#i really enjoyed it#except for the fucking ******* part#i knew it was coming bc i'd seen stuff about it in fics and on here too in brief mentions but it still made me sad#i'm glad it didn't last long#maison speaks#myhsposts#alice oseman
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i think the thing that annoys me so much about matty discourse is that its starting to feel like people are pinning the entire concept of race relations on him. as if matty healy watching gross fetish porn is the only thing keeping my black ass from being seen as equal.Â
like sooooooo much fucking coverage on one (1) man and i kinda get it bc what the fuck else are entertainment companies going to talk about but its also like......he is not even in the top three-digit number list of reasons why black people are down bad in this country. like yes thank you for riding against porn or whatever BUT lets also not forget to redirect our attention and find ways to help all oppressed individuals!!! like its starting to feel like people are only doing this shit so they can a) seem like The Perfect Activist online while doing jack shit irl and b) protect their fave from any criticism by pushing and hoping and praying for a breakup so that they can have a Perfect Activist celeb to stan again and not have to worry about their own controversial, problematic, and potentially offensive beliefs.
tearing someone down isnât the same as lifting someone up lgrejgaeg like taylor and matty break up but bc yâall hold up a âmattyâs racist pls dump him :(â sign at her show and then life goes back to the way it was -- and then people will find a new famous person to blame all of societyâs failings on despite not actually making the world a better placeÂ
#this is such a fucking rant lol but this is what bothers me with tiktok cancelations of people#bc YES it does feel good to call someone out and make them lose their job#but at the same time its like....is this activism???#is this actually doing anything??#are we making the world a better place by doing this??#idk if its just bc im getting old or bc i spend too much time Not Doing my Actual Job#but modern activism sometimes just feels like....being loud online and then doing nothing else jagjag#and i understand that like we arent the politicians or the people who make laws or run media conglomerates#but its seeing people throw so much effort into.....what? making me not like this man?#and making it seem like they're doing this to protect black people#when its like okay go get the site shut down or something idk#like these two white people breaking up will not change anything#just like them dating hasn't changed anything#except now you feel bad about your fave#i was going to keep ranting down here but alas my actual job awaits#wait one more thin#i do think its hard to find a way to be A Good Activist nowadays#bc so much stuff is the result of money#but we're all broke#so people are trying to help where they cna#but sometimes the help area is like...not needed#like the white people wearing dreads discourse#like yes its a side eye#but also maybe go after the institutions that still allow hair discrimination??#like that would actually change something???
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i worked onmy ermmm. little good habits reward sheet a lot .. im pretty excited :] i was gonna wait to start it until ive moved home bc a lot of the things r home specific (like spending time with loved ones etc) BUT i think im gonna go ahead n start it tmrw... i think itll be good to go ahead n get started on it b4 i move back that way its not such a big transition bc i think thats why my like. plans t get better when i moved up here. failed. so horrifically lol. bc i didnt give myseld any lead in i just made a huge change and then got upset when i didnt immediately adjust.
#i do eventually wanna move back to wa on my own bc i feel like. i didnt rly get to spend time here due to the everything. i just dont think#i was at all ready. and thats entirely on me i chose this i ignored literally everybody around me telling me it wasnt a good idea#i brought this all on myself. but i wanna try n improve#n im excitedd!! i think next year/whenever im Fr ready. im gonna try n move out to my old hometown#since my family moved away from it#which i think will be rly nice bc ill like. be independeny but in a familiar place and like. still close to home. ill still be able t have#the same insurance etc etc..#itll get rid of a Lot of stressors basically. and ill be able to visit family way easier !!#plus my hometown is way more walkable and since. idk if ill ever be able t drive just bc of like. my general nature#thats something im rly rly looking for...#i think my new goalsheet is rly well balanced as well. its likee#its based on thise little metallic walmart star stickers bc i miss those rly bad#thats the entire inspo. obv rn itll have to be digital bc i cant get my little star stickers#but. its like a points system#red is 5 points yellow is 3 points green is 2 points and blue is 1 point#(might move them around to make green 5 points bc green was my star color when i was little lol)#and each point is worth .50 cents. and so however many points i have at the end of the week thats how much money i get t have in my like#personal acct. and i get to use that however i want#and everything else will go to likee. savings and bills (i wont have bills for a while but yk)#and i even have likee. a streak system#i need to work on that sl its like balanced. bc idk if it is rn#my idea was t just have it be like. bc th way it is like#the tasks r split up by difficulty. more difficult tasks earn different colors#so my most difficult on there rn is to go for a walk#/ go to a public place / spend time outside#rly that goal is rly geared toward my hometown but im still gonna try n do it in my parents town... yk :] like i can ask my mom t take me#to th library and stuff. bc i wanna start going more#we went to th one here a couple times but it kinda got. shelved. yk. and i miss it#the one in ny hometown was rightt by our house and i never went#and im mad abt kt.
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so to do my testing i need a state id but to get my state id i need a social security card bc i lost mine so im waiting up to 15-20 days for social security to send me a verification number in the mail so that i can apply for a new social security card and then ill have to wait for that to get to me and then i can go get my ky id and hopefully not get in trouble for taking so long to get my id changed and THEN i can schedule my ged classes. and by then ill probably have finished my math and science ged readys which is good and ummm i think thats all. itll prolly be a permit rather than a state id so i can work on learning to drive since we have a nice Not horrible car . and then ill know how to drive which will be helpful to me even if it takes me a while to actually own a car... but itd be helpful to Be able to drive yk. even if i am quite late... and once i get all of that done then thats like finally finished and then i can get a job again and start saving up money for when i am ready to move out...
#and once i am Making money again ill feel better going to the dr for all of my stuff bc my mom says itd be covered by insurance but im#rly rly paranoid abt there being copays or something yk . so id like to Have money jic since i currently have. 3 dollars at all#but yes. and im rly lucky im able to live with my family bc like. they wont Make me pay rent they might ask for help which ill gladly do bc#1. yk and 2. i have been living here free of charge for almost a year 3. even all that aside i want the kids to be able to keep living here#and also be able to eat so idm helping with groceries and the mortgage or whathave you... and itll all be cheaper than paying rent at my#own place anyways so i can build up a good net AND ill have money to start donating again bc i hate not being able to donate it makes me#feel so useless. that was the best part of living in wa was that i Had money to be spending and donating was one of the like. bc i have a#lot of hangups abt money so pretty much spending any money made me feel sick and i had to punish myself for it BUT donating bypassed that.#not that the benefit of donating is that i can spend money without feeling bad but it is something i Want to do because i want to be able t#help however i can . obviously. i am rambling now but basically yes im excited to have a job again#idt ill have money to get people gifts this year for xmas Which sucks but hoooooooopefully i will have a job by february.......... dependin#wewill see how it all works out. im hoping february bc thats the start of the 1st wave of bdays. well . technically january is but thats My#bday so it doesnt count.... bc tag feb father mar weeman may. and then lamp sep and mother oct and i couldnt get either of them gifts and#Yeah i feel evil#BUT!!!! next year i will be able to afford everything all of it ill have money and a job and i can get ppl gifts i love buying ppl gifts#even tho im bad at it i fear. bc i dont have much experience last year was the first year i got to buy xmas gifts for everybody... and bday#for some even :] but ya. ive loved buying gifts since 8th grade which was the first time i was able to buy gifts for my friends bc my dad#gave me his credit card for the dc trip. bc we were on kiiiiind of difficult terms in 2018 LOLLL. so he was doing pretty much anything to#get me to talk to him again the perks of having to go to court against your parent. and also girl that restraining order was meaningless bu#whatever i cant think abt it or ill get kinda mad so were moving on Oh im cramping that sucks okayyyyy. anyways. YES so thats your connor u#date i think these tags are gonna get cutoff in a major way. wait nvm i only had like 22... ok well ending it here goodbye my diary
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tag limit hit ho gayi yaar
#haan toh main kya bol rahi thi.#haan unhone sab itna jaldi kiya cheek pe kiss bhi kiya i was like arey please no aap rakho itne saare paise i can't đ#cause she already bought me that hoodie for like 700 rs#she was like i can't be here for your birthday na#bhai meko toh rona hi aa gaya itna saara pyaar i swear mere parents ko iska 1% bhi nahi hai mujhseđđ#and money has been tight bachpan se cause shit happened in like 2013 or something and since then we've all been single#mindedly striving for highest paying jobs best education and now that she's finally there (touchwood)#i think it means a lot to her being able to spend money freeely for her loved ones#and with her idk i do believe that she loves me yes because she said ek baari when she was crying because kuch kuch hua tha#but also attending meeting office ki online rote hue sob karte hue kyunki parents time dekhkar thodi na ladte hai#and i didn't know how to help her and i knew they were. fighting subah se and she hadn't eaten anything so i made her cornflakes ka doodh#(her fav) and gave it to her table pe but it just made her sob much much harder and she couldn't drink itđ#but later on she said ki im so thankful i have you mujhe dikh raha tha ki you wanted to help but you didn't know kaise karu still you tried#and just you being there was enough in that moment#like i don't know why im thinking all this today maybe because bua is here home and she was home that time too it happened in front of her#all this she's the only person who knows what kinda shit dad does#and just. past few weeks i really genuinely wanted to kms like i would sit in morning class and i would look down at my hands and see the#veins and think one cut and it would all be over you're so tired i know you can rest now#it got so bad that i started wearing full sleeve clothes only so i couldn't look at them#but now. i won't say it's completely gone that feeling but like#i want to live because so many plans i have to with my sister how can i leave her alone#like not just for her but for me for us i want us to be happy together like we planned#like yk us as a unit doing things we've always dreamed of visiting places and bachelorette parties and clubbing and living with her and her#bf/husband when i need somewhere to run to and going on a no budget shopping spree and storing ice cream tubs in our house#like they used to do in american movies and her having kids me getting over my disgust for them helping her raise them clean them being#the masi and#I DON'T KNOW OKAY OMGđ#i felt so loved finally after a long time SACH MEIN real way mein#oh pata hai she also offered to pay mere tui ki fees bc i was complaining to mom ki papa kaise taunt maarte haiđ#like it's 20 fucking thousand waise toh kam hi hai but as a salaried person it's still a lot đ
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vent in tags don't mind me
#skye talks#vent#it's been a long time since i had a panic attack in the grocery store but here we are#maybe it has something to do with spending my last money on food and gas#new job tomorrow just gotta make it through#all my days are full of tasks now and i have no choice really i gotta do things i gotta maintain and yet im so tired my whole body aches#i want to sleep for twenty years and i haven't even started yet#actually i want to sob and someone to run their hands through my hair#i got home and nearly fell asleep sitting in my car and my muscles keep twitching like they'll cramp#and my feet feel like they're going to split in half#and all the lights in my space were different from how i left them and blinds were open that I didn't and somebody turned my fan off#and like wow i really can't leave my room for even a day without everything being different#and they'll just yell at me and yell me I'm being so disagreeable and difficult if i beg them once sgain to please respect my space#I'm 30 amd saving to move out but they open the door on me unannounced like I'm a child#and i nearly started sobbing in the kitchen as i tried to pack up some chopped onions in the freezer and I coulnt even do that#i begged four separate times in like ten minutes to please let me do this stop goving me other bags stop questioning what I'm putting where#i just couldn't talk i could barely hold myself together#everything in my body hurt and my chest feels like it's being stabbed and my brain is screaming at me and i just#i just needed to put the onions in the freezer and be allowed to be nonverbal and it was too much and it took everything i had#all of it to just beg and say please don't talk to me I'm so tired i just need to do this#and i got literally shrieked at the fourth time i said it#i just#i don't#oh my god i'm gonna lay here for hours and maybe cry again#AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BIGGEST THING ON MY MIND IT WAS JUST THE PANIC AFTERMATH#somebody sedate me or something why is it all so hard#I'll deal with it but holy fucking shit
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