#im in sketchbook hell ughhh

[rapidhighway]

i actually wanted to buy a new sketchbook today but they didn't have the only brand I like using at empik

[faultedloyalty]

The speed in which he has to turn his amusement into faux-apology cannot be understated; though the way in which the young man’s reactions serve only to further bring him closer to something like elation cannot be, either! Perhaps it’s merely his age, but from their severity to their depths, he finds that his baser urges to toy with those lesser than himself are growing. They are, of course, overwhelmingly easy to keep at bay—he has practiced, he has lived, too long to be any other way—but the fact that he has to acknowledge them at all on his own is exceedingly rare.

Not that he is one to ignore his own whims, either, however.

“So many apologies you need not make; truly, just what kind of butler am I?” Another melodramatic sigh, another shake of his head, follows in the wake of his own bastard-conceived plot and results. “Though I must apologize once more, myself, for inadvertently insulting your acquaintances.” For if they are neither friends nor anyone he considers worthy of such a word... I meant no harm, of course, but I fear I spoke too impulsively. Such is a failing of my own, unfortunately—I must admit that I do take heart in knowing you bear confidence-enough to correct me, however.”

For that, too, was amusing in and of itself—despite the irresolute clamber in which young Daisuke speaks his words, the fact that he speaks them at all is enough to make him want to chuckle. Companionship was of no use to himself, but the lengths in which those who find it so go to have others speak no ill-will of them, even when it was unsure, served to interestingly confuse him always.

“It is quite clear that they are of great import to you,” he continues on easily, however, belying his thoughts, “in spite of how little you know of them personally. Does not speaking of them in such a way also speak in turn, however, not just to their skills but to what skills they have imparted to you, as well?”

Even if mere beginner-work from another teenager, knowledge would forever be knowledge; “To gain any sort of understanding over the simplest of details is enough to learn the complex natures of this world, after all. One might argue that this is needed to do so, as what one might think of as a basis—though I dare not do so in my position, of course.”

(His position for the moment, at least, but there was little need to fret over frivolous details such as those, right then. He merely needs them known, still.)

“Special qualities or lack thereof aside, as well—and so long as I am permitted to say so—at the very least I find that your art is of quite the noticeable talent already.”

And there he goes to demonstrate—flipping through pages quickly, though keeping a thumb on the one he had scribbled on himself, with that self-satisfied smile! He doesn’t go far, and he isn’t even looking at it, but even this serves more to try for a reaction than anything else!

“It is clear that you don’t lack an eye for details,” he speaks as the pages turn, as casually as if he were discussing the weather, “and neither is there lack of intent behind your work! Really, this is more than enough to warrant an impart of your knowledge to myself, as the less-experienced artist, but I suppose...”

Just as quickly as he’d begun flipping through pages does he close them back up, keeping only the one he’d utilized himself open for the book’s owner to see. In the same breath, he holds it back out for the young man; silent encouragement that he is to, finally, take his own look at what Sebastian had done.

“Relieving as it is to hear that my work shan’t be considered by one who is, at heart, really mean’, I do urge you to give your most honest opinion. Shall my skills be lacking, I will endeavour to improve as quickly as I am able to do.”

Though he can already guess a few ways this is about to go—but he’s curious to see which of them will occur, so there’s no need to continue stalling.

' i-infamy ?! '

the word seems to instantly jolt him . close to hives , his skin prickling , every thin hair on his arm swift to stand up straight on end . a word like infamy ... was really bad , wasn't it ?! ( like horrible , like heinuous , like --- dark . )

' n-no ! it's not like that or anything ! like hiwatari-kun and sagami-sensei , i mean --- er , u-um ... ' would someone like sebastian have been able to recognize any of these names ? arrive , vanish , do everything in a blink and leave nary so much as a single trace behind --- his family had instructed him over and over to be capable of severing any sort of loose strings in the midst of plotted , robbing act .

( why dare to admire his enemies , anyways ? )

was it too simple , too laughable , that just because he wanted to think they were friends ... no , that because he just wanted to somehow be friends them , that he should have therefore made every effort to be kind , and speak up in their defense ? even knowing that they might never have done the same for him , or for his far more rotten , wretched parts .

' t-they're not that bad , i mean ... i don't think infamous is a good word for them ... ' though , maybe and maybe not . before the hikari alone , what other artists played god , to the extent that their creations came to life out of nothing but the meager likes of stone , paint and wax ? man's first golems and homonculi , created in the perverse shape of themselves : both infinitely beautiful and hideous .

their broach of every natural law and order could have lent itself to their infamy , if only what vicious storms of emotion surrounding their works didn't coil about them like the still , untouchable calm of an eye of a storm . and there , braving the cuts and razor , racing edge of the roughest winds , was the black half of the kokuyoku ... what black wings even now remained bound to his body .

' ... i'm sorry . ' trailing away , clutching to himself at his hands , daisuke's will shrinks and relents , wilting meekly beneath the other's blase accusations . certainly , he feels every invisible pressure like a block of lead , hitching his shoulders high in a hopeless defense against what felt like , polite and composed as it was , an adult's chide .

' i don't ... actually know if i'm really friends with any of them . i only sort of know them , so i didn't think anything was that interesting to talk about --- um , hiwatari-kun is the same age as me , and he's the one who comes from a really family . the hikari ? their artworks always end up in museums and stuff , they've been making masterpieces for over four hundred years . i've only really learned a few things about ... um , shadows and circles from him , though ... '

embarrassing basics that anyone , even a toddler should have been able to comprehend .

' sagami-sensei was a sculptor , and someone who won top prizes every year in azumano ... our standards for art are the highest in japan , so it was a big deal when he was going to start teaching part-time . but then he quit right after his practice internship and decided to go back to art --- ' cheeks flush and he laughs ; he doesn't dare to pry at sebastian's turn , deeply curious as he remained to the other's work . ' he was really cool . he always seemed to know what he was doing when he was making art , hiwatari-kun too , i think . i'm not really anything special , especially compared to them ... '

humility blends in warmly with a loitering sense of shame .

' really --- really-really , i don't think i could give you good advice or critiques even if i tried . not to mention , since i was the one who asked you to draw something for me in the first place , if i were to suddenly get all nit-picky or something over it when i probably couldn't do any better , i'd feel ... um , really mean . '

[arieava]

me, banging pots and pans together: I!! LOVE!!!! MY!!! OCS!!!!!!

[nogitsvlinski]

autistic q&a

1. When did you discover that you are Autistic? about 15 or 16, I believe. didn't understand what it meant til I was a bit older than that, tho 2. What are your favorite stim toy(s)? clicking pens and fiddling with the fidget cube my mom gave me this past christmas~ 3. What are your favorite stims? I tap- my fingers, feet, knee... anything really 4. How do you calm down after a meltdown? I hide out in my room and sit in the quiet for a bit. no music, no one talking to me- just the solitude. 5. What method(s) of communication do you prefer? texting/IMs over chat. I am not fond of speaking and I especially hate phone calls because if I'm speaking to someone, I prefer to see the other person's face. 6. What are your special interest(s)? music, writing, singing, anything artsy and creative really! 7. What kind of sensory inputs do you find very unpleasant? the feel of velvet is the biggest one I can think of. it literally makes my skin crawl. also not a fan of super bright lights, my room tends to stay pretty dim. or chalk. can't stand that powdery shit all over my hands 8. What kind of sensory inputs do you like the most? the feeling of being in water, the warmth of sunshine, being wrapped up in a bundle of blankets while it's cold, music 9. What are your thoughts on self-diagnosis? considering how expensive it can be to get diagnosed, it can be alright. people tend to know themselves pretty well and with the right research can find names for what they think they have/are. 10. What is one thing that you wished everyone knew about Autism? that it's not something I can change and that I'm not trying to be difficult or high maintenence with my needs/quirks. 11. If you could repel one myth about Autism, which one would it be? THAT AUTISM ISN'T CAUSED BY FUCKING VACCINES. seriously. hurts every time to hear that it is. also that autism speaks is a good organization. it's not. it's fucking awful. 12. What are some of the things that allistic people often expect you to do that make no sense to you? honestly have no idea 13. How do you feel about being Autistic? it's difficult as hell but has made me the person I am today and wouldn't change it for the world. it gives me my creativity~ 14. Describe a place/room/situation that would be sensory heaven to you. prolly floating in the dead sea. I love swimming and water and would LOVE to try that sometime. 15. Describe a place/room/situation that would be sensory hell to you. a room covered in velvet and chalkboards, ughhh 16. Do you have any mental illnesses/other kinds of neurodivergence? How do they interact with/affect your Autism? I have oppositional defiant disorder, depression, and anxiety. 17. Do you prefer person-first or identity-first language? I 100% prefer identity first. please do not tell me I 'have autism.' makes it sound like a disease when it's not :c 18. What are your Autistic headcanons? uhhhhhhh no clue? 19. Are there any books/shows/movies that you would recommend to other Autistic people? none come to mind at the moment, might change this tho 20. What are some of the Autism-related problems you often have in your everyday life? anything involving socialization with people I don't know/are only barely acquainted with, fidgeting 21. What are your favorite Autism-related blogs/websites? I'm not honestly sure I follow any autistic blogs on here. if I do, they're all inactive now~ 22. What do you like about being Autistic? I love how passionate I feel about my interests, and the creativity and drive it's given me. maybe I'm not one of those math/science savant autistics, but give me a camera or a sketchbook or photoshop and I'm set. (I AM a savant when it comes to spelling, tho!) 23. What do you dislike about being Autistic? my meltdowns. my inability to look people in the eye unless I'm good friends with them. the fact that it's hard to hear when there's a ton of background noise going on- not because there's something wrong with my ears, but because the part of my brain that controls my hearing gets overwhelmed and everything sorta blends together into mush. 24. If there was a cure for Autism, would you want to take it? nope! I am the way I am for a reason, why should I change just to fit in? 25. What topics are you most likely to infodump about? the story I've been creating over the past couple years. music. makeup. animals. I have a few things I'm super interested in xD 26. Are there any stereotypes about autistic people that you fit? that we're socially awkward. so true for me. it's like I completely derp in social situations- at least around people I don't know. 27. Which ‘social rules’ do you often have trouble with? I hate eye contact. with a fiery fucking passion. my first therapist back when I first starting going to one (at 9/10 years old) used to try and not let me leave til I looked her in the eye. it was a battle she never won. ever. also probably being too blunt and honest. I have no issues speaking my mind and that gets me in trouble sometimes XD 28. Can you pass for neurotypical? I've been told I do but I'm biased and don't see how. I DO know I've come a long way, tho. 29. Have you had any previous special interests? What were they? CATS. I was obsessed with anything and everything cat related from the time I was born until around high school age.