#im gonna have a breakdown week arent i

[anadorablekiwi]

Found out that despite the request one week exactly in advance (later than i would prefer but i forgot about it okay)

I have to work 11-8 on monday, the day i have a noon dentist appointment 😭

Soooo guess im rescheduling that. Eventually. When i feel up to a phone call.

…

Damn.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[brunetterightsactivist]

its not even that i dont like eating healthy food its that actual real healthy food requires preparation time that i dew not have and even more energy that i DO NOT HAVE

[hballegro]

i wasnt lying when i said henry was 85% done last night

file name is 'its MY hyperfixation and I decide who lives'

previous editions

lieutenant colonel henry blake here wearing pants that DEFINITELY arent swim trunks that he's pretending are normal shorts

hes wearing goldtoes for no reason i just didnt like how it looked with all one colour and didnt have the energy to give him funny socks. potter will probably have to wear horse socks to compensate 😔

i enjoyed completely Making Shit Up with the fishing lures. like i followed his hat in the show for most of them but for 2 they were literally just the first cool thing i saw looking up 'vintage fishing lures'

the group shot NOW WITH EDITS!

before long im gonna have to break this group shot into 2 sections. tumblr is getting PISSED at me.

breakdown of what all i changed + bts under the cut

the list is not long. most of the list is trapper.

everything is before/after, so first image is old and second image is new

smoothed stuff out for marg's skirt so it looks more like spandex or whatever

slightly nudged sidney's right eye [our left]. like its really slight but it makes my brain happy

bullied mulcahy's legs. AGAIN.

lessened hawkeye's stubble. just a tiny bit.

broadened radar's shoulders a little, made him have a bottom lip, messed with his neck

and for trapper. im just putting a fullbody; i changed his face. widened his shoulders a bit. fixed his head so its in the right place. changed his skintone by a degree of like .0001. i think i made his legs longer too. also his pants are a colour that makes my brain less mad.

there isnt much bts this time;

week 1 of college has kicked my ass but we stay winning. we stay drawing lieutenant colonel henry blake. we cant be stopped. we being I, myself, and Me

anyway. i need to go eat something.

three to go. we can DO THIS

also this IS field day, and im keeping with the red sweatbands/bandanas/other things but it also serves dual purpose as a beach episode at this point. Good Ending where instead of the chicken on the bus [or henry's plane] its all of them crawling back to the 4077th with sunburn

SHOUTOUT TO ME FOR NOT HAVING TOO MUCH OF A BLUE BIAS. WE ACTUALLY HAVE A DECENT BALANCE OF COLOURS. I REALLY LIKE BLUE SO THIS IS BIG FOR ME.

anyway if you scrolled this far and have any thoughts abt what potter, charles, and klinger should wear, including just colour speculation, leave a reply or something, i DO monitor my posts very closely

[credulouscanidae]

the nhs be like

me in march: hi i have moved here from australia, i have been on testosterone since 2018 on a 3-monthly injection and i have a letter from my aussie gp to verify this and that i have been linked in with a psych and endo since then too and i just need a prescription continuation of my treatment. my next shot is due in june and i cant be late

gp: ok :) i have to make a referral to the nearest gender clinic and theyll be in touch and i'll send them the letter from the aussie gp

me: ok thanks

gender clinic a week later: hi we got your referral + letter but we need some more info

me: okay heres some more info

gender clinic: no thats not enough info we need your entire history including your Diagnosis TM from the psych as a letter + recent bloods arent enough. but once we get those we can streamline you through as a review patient so youre not on the waitlist

me after a fuss between me and the aussie gp due to email troubles: ok heres all the documents they have on my file im about a month overdue i need my shot asap

gender gp: thanks we will be in touch asap

*silence for over a month*

me: hey when am i going to be seen to? im nearly 2 months overdue for my t shot

gender clinic: weve had a high amount of referrals and youre on the waitlist so youre just gonna have to wait

me: :}

*another month of silence*

gender clinic: hi so thank you for sending those documents over, since you have already been on hrt since 2018 you dont actually need our services so we're discharging you and we're gonna write a letter to your gp explaining this and that she can prescribe the dose as recommended on our website

me:.....okay well....what do i have to do now?

gender clinic: im gonna write up a letter to send to your gp and they will be in contact with you to arrange an appointment and you can get your hrt easily like that

me: *on the brink of having a mental fucking breakdown cuz of being 3 months overdue for my hrt and all of the hormonal and physical changes that have left me feeling unbearably distressed and anxious and su1cidal and all the other fucking stressors that have come from this* okay......thanks :}

[cyanlastride]

i think you just have a much higher threshold for pure fucking hatred than i do. i dont mean that as a bad thing. its useful. keeps you sane and level-headed while also keeping sight of your morals while wading through evil bullshit. but ive had at least three mental breakdowns over the past week from this project, this hatred. i cant handle this. i need to detach myself, and care less.

so, what? we're gonna let the ship drift and watch everyone flounder around til we sink out of neglect and incompetence?

no, look. i want to trust you here. i want you to take the reigns with this. i think you can do it. but you have to do it without getting me involved. because i cant keep doing this. its gonna drive me fucking mental.

are you sure this is a good idea?

no, in fact im almost certain its not. but thats why youre here, right? so that i make the bad decision every once in a while?

its the only way to learn and progress.

well, not the only way. books exist.

pussy.

maniac.

we make quite the pair, eh?

shut the fuck up and get your hands at 10 and 2, bitch.

woah, okay. calm down.

im sorry i just. fuck. i really cant handle this.

i really cant handle this. i thought we were good there, for a bit.

we were. we had a good thing going.

what happened? what has happened now to make us completely lose control?

we're alone.

we're not alone. even ignoring the contradiction in that statement, we have a bunch of people we can talk to. same amount we had a week ago, at least.

somethings wrong, then. we're distant.

what the fuck does that mean?

i dont look forward to sleeping anymore. thats what we're missing. or a piece, at least. a byproduct. i looked forward to laying in bed with you, even through we didnt have any pillows so you used my chest instead.

not even though. because.

im sure i wasnt the whole reason. you get it though, right? the stress dreams. sleeping isnt delightful anymore.

i dont know how it was. it never has been before. why the hell did sleeping randomly become an enjoyable activity for just a week after 23 years on this hellhole rock.

we were together. it was just us, in an empty apartment.

so it was the breasts.

fuck off, no, im saying maybe other people are the problem, not the solution. for the first time in our lives we are free, truly free, and the mundane becomes fantastical to us. work doesnt bother us, school is manageable despite repeating one of the worst weeks in our entire academic history, we enjoy living. and now, when we get comfortable, it starts to take over again. the stress. the envy. jealousy, thats what it is. you see the lives others put on display and think wow, theyve got it all together, i wish they could just take care of us the way they obviously know how to take care of themselves. but its an act. you know its an act. we know better than anyone how different masks can be. you need to let go of others. completely. for validation, for praise, for an indication that youre doing the right thing.

hang on. wait. this sounds dangerous.

of course its dangerous! good people care about others! good people want validation so they know they are good! good people ask permission, not forgiveness! since when have you wanted to be good?

i want to do my best.

the best we can do isnt good. we can be good, sure. but the best we can do is be evil in the right ways, for the right reasons. that freedom we felt? that was the feeling of the act being its own reward. good people stay up at night, worried they arent doing enough. evil people delight in sleep, knowing tomorrow brings another day of freedom, and with it, change.

is this abusive?

you know the game. you tell me.

i love you.

i love you too.

~ lets go to bed.

[pinkfoodlogg]

i kinda went off the rails for a second there, but im back !! i spent some days at my grandma's and honestly i cant bear her look of worry when i dont eat, and the guilt would've been too much for me :[ so i tried to ignore all my restrictions.

i also kinda fucked up a lil bit... its currently winter in my country but im going on a trip abroad in a couple of weeks, where it'll be summer, and still i self harmed on my arms where its imposible to hide it if i use short sleeved shirts, so idk what i'll do. i have like three weeks left so maybe it'll be less noticeable by the time i leave but i've had a couple of breakdowns over it already.

i just dont know what i was thinking yk? like im rlly careful about it. i've been self harming consistently for about a year now, and did it sporadically since i was thirteen, and i've only been caught like once by a cousin and she didnt tell anyone (i had had a nervous breakdown and self harmed on my wrists, but the scars arent visible anymore)

back to the point, i usually only do it on my thighs where its very easy to hide since i never likes wearing bikinis, and on my torso where my bra hides it. so i dont really know what came over me.

but whatever, im building myself into a panic just writing about it. i dont know what im gonna do

im starting an only-plants diet!! im trying to lose between 10-20 pounds before my trip so i'll just eliminate all processed foods, like carbs and sugars, because those are usually the kind of foods i binge on and if i keep falling off track i'll never lose the weight.

to finish it off, im failing all my classes !! which has been really fun for me.

[malachiexists13]

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE FOLLOWING CHARACTERS: KENSHIN UESUGI, LANCELOT KINGSLEY, COMTE DE SAINT-GERMAIN, AND LICHT KLEIN. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

I think the nightmare I just set myself up for finally hit me. I just now realized what routes I have currently selected across ikesen, ikerev, ikevamp, and ikepri and all I have to say is- Shit, Im gonna be an emotional wreck, arent I?

The routes I currently have selected are:

Ikesen: Kenshin Uesugi

Ikerev: Lancelot Kingsley

Ikevamp: Comte de Saint-Germain

Ikepri: Licht Klein

Please ignore the fact that 3/4 of them are blonde-I swear I dont have a type. Thats a lie. I totally do. But its not blondes lol- God, I need to stop. I am not funny.

I dont know much about Comte's route besides that fact he and Mitsuki get married at the end of his romantic route, and that his real name is Abel. Funny story there! I didnt even learn his real name from his route, I learned because of fucking spoilers. Shortly after his route came out, I played uhh one of the wedding events and bought his epilogue because Im a whore- In the epilogue, they used his real name- So thats how I found out. I was a bit mad like, "Wow I just spent 300 diamonds get to spoiled. Wtf." But I figured Id probably forget because autism brain.

Which I did forget, until I found a oneshot book on wattpad that used Comte for the title, but then used Abel throughout the entire fucking oneshot without warning. I was maybe half-way through the oneshot before questioning, "who the fuck is Abel and where's le Comte? Oh- OH WAIT- ABEL IS COMTE-" So lil message to fanfic writers, treat your readers like idiot babies and put warnings for potential spoilers. Some people (me, im people) read oneshots without playing the actual route first. Im not actually that bothered by spoilers, Id just appreciate being warned first.

Back to the main subject of this post- I dont know if le Comte's route is sad or not. Knowing the devs, it probably is though. I already know that Licht's route is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster like holy shit- I hate touching others but Id gladly ignore every single one of my sensory issues if it meant I could give this poor sad man a hug. Ive been warned that Kenshin's route is a bit intense, but I just keep telling myself that he cant be worse than Nobunaga and it'll all be worth it in the end. To just shut the fuck up with your anxiety and date the pretty but secretly soft yandere boy. Ive heard Lancelot's route is sad, but Im prepared. Similarly to Mitsuhide, Ive already played a few routes before Lancelot's that he was a major part in so I have some idea of how his may end.

But all I see is that Ive set myself up for a potentially very emotional rollercoaster so in about a week or maybe even a month, I'll share how my potential mental breakdown is going.

[rayshippouuchiha]

ahh ray...some things happened today. my executive dysfunction has been killing me the last few months, and im behind on so many projects. im working on them, slowly. really, really slowly. but this week has been...so hard. its like im lying down scrolling on my phone screaming in my head i should get up why arent i getting up cmon everyones gonna start yelling again just getupgetupgetup and im so close to breaking down again, and this morning my mom left for work after telling me that my teacher contacted her about my absences and missed requirements and she told me that she'd help me when she got home. despite the gentle reminder, i still spent the whole day lying down not doing anything.

when she came home, she didn't seem to be in a bad mood. but the first thing she did was ask me if i did any work today. i didnt want to lie, so i just...didnt say anything. i knew i fucked up when she slammed the door on her way into the room. a minute later she came out and just...i dont know. she snapped, i guess? cant really blame her, since what she saw was me, lying in the corner of the room with my earphones plugged in and evidently not doing anything substantial. so she yelled. uh, another thing? im that anon with the shitty older brother. he was in the room too, just...it was a lot. and the thing is, yelling and raised voices really fucking scare me, so there was me, sitting there shaking and trying not to cry after being yelled at, and my brother, who got dragged into it too, saying why didnt you just do it? i tried. i tried i tried so hard and just. why support me at all if you're going to snap at the first sight of a relapse?

the last time i had a breakdown in front of my mom we had a whole heart to heart and everything, and she said she wouldnt say all those shitty things like 'you dont want to work? fine, ill just send you to your dad and his parents. you and your brothers can go if none of you want to listen to me.' and just. why. why would she say that. and she said all those horrible things again anyway, so im thinking, if she could lie about something like that, something she knows scares me and hurts me, what else did she lie about?

she did help with the work, eventually, but the whole time i was tense and hiding my hands so she wouldnt see them shaking and i couldnt focus on a damn thing, and she was rushing me for answers and i just feel like i cant breathe anymore and it all just hurts and im tired all the time and i cant help feeling like its all my fault anyway so i dont have the right to complain. i know this is all fucked up, god do i know, but its just...so difficult. everything. thanks for letting me vent again, this has been a terrible day and week and year

Oh darling, take a deep breath.

What you're going through is absolutely hard as all hell and I hate that you don't have a more solid support system to help you out.

Being upset like you are is perfectly understandable given the situation.

Is there anyone you can reach out to outside of you current living situation? Someone at school maybe? A teacher or a counsler who might be able to help without adding more stress onto your already fragile situation?

I hate that I can't say/do much more for you but please do understand that we're here for you if you need to vent again.

Stay safe, remember to breathe, and do the best you can

[bloodfreakpropaganda]

ok, listen up folks who like to write college peter parker: im about to tell you ehat truly is like to study engineering in a prestigious college. take notes.

classes are either the most useless thing ever or the most useful. sometimes they don't even look like anything the test is gonna be about.

most trachers are academics so they dont know how to teach and it shows.

tests arent multiple questions, they are one to four gigantic problems that will make your brain cry.

Calculators are your best friend. most engineers use the TI type. Peter has to have it.

Programing is a bitch. If peter doesnt have a breakdown bc his code doesnt work only to find out its bc he left an opened parenthesis then its not realistic

There is not that much of tinkering until the very end of the career (at least on my college)

Most homework takes WEEKS to finish. I get that peter is s genius, but they are long snd take a lot of willpower to get through.

Notes? Messy. Trust me, there are not aesthetic or decent notes.

All kids have watched at least on anime and love videogames. We are nerds.

[tastelcsshaze]

well fuck if im gonna have to move blogs im dropping some muses fuck this 

[schiavonaspada]

Melody (S.W.A.L.K) 1971 Livewatch

I have seen this movie. but not the whole thing (i got interupped the first time i watched it)... so here goes! 

movie load please

20 seconds of logos???

guitar song™

this movie is so nostalgic for no reason

Mark Lester and Jack Wild: did you mean, Oliver Twist and The Artful Dodger?

and tracy hyde shes here too

i love this movie sm wtf

can these credits end????

ok yes they can

70s film marching band scene

ornshaw drinking whiskey before band bc why not

danny is bby

mY mOtHeR dId It SiR

dannys mum is so annoying wtf

i really love tom ornshaw

run bitch run

The BB™

SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER???

look at his lil face ❤

MELODY MY DAUGHTER

a gowdfish please

aww look at her 

“ive done all those things i wanna try something new” LIKE DRAWING TIDDIES? DANIEL

“ah a boy gave it to me at school” was it ornshaw, i bet it was ornshaw

BITCH YOU RIPPED DANNYS TITS DRAWING

melody girl you cant play that fucking recorder

this film has great cinematography wtf

Melody Perkins Deserves The World !!

the gang go to school

Ornshaw Gets Bullied

“the jewish boys may now leave for private study” what about the jewish girls?? there’s clearly girls in the class?? why do they have to listen to the bible

ornshaw’s porn bible

DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHO JESUS WAS???

dont smoke at school kids

okay so shes peggy, why is she credited as maureen. who the fuck is maureen

hear me out, muriel is a lesbian. noone kisses for over five minutes unless youre proper horny and this bitch is like thirteen. she also says “i dont know, i never used to kiss boys”, because SHE DOESNT. shes lying because she doesnt kiss boys. shes closeted and thats whys she says she does. also, she got angry at peggy for saying she fancied a boy.

W I C

“saucy turtles make terrible bathmats, charley” okay okay jeez

ornshaws accent is everything

The Gang sneaking through the fence what will they do

uh oh danny

AWH YOURE BARMY

thats def gonna explode later

ornshaw gets kicked off the bus

but now hes on it

ornshaw and danny have such a wholesome friendship too bad melody ruins it oh wait

you’ve heared of ornshaw gets kicked off the bus now get ready for... ornshaw gets kicked out of the strip club!

you cant get a taxi!!! watch me hoe

where did ornshaw get the chewing gum from wtf

“shes always talking about people like you...” OH OKAY DANNYS MUM IS CLASSIST

“he could do with a heart attack!” WOAH OKAY

time skip to school

oh no danny’s seen melody

“we have three admirers of the dance!” ah shit

ah so maureen is the girl in green

why is ornshaw just standing there

FREE YOURSELVES

the girl gang is hilarious i love them

Muriel Kisses A Tombstone

uh oh dannys been found out

“HES A COWARD CMON”

ornshaw just yeeted his cat

i hate dannys mother sm

assembly time, an iconic part of british comprehensive school, since covid, i cant say i miss it

danny and melody !!

DANNY PLAYS CELLO THIS IS IMPORTANT INFO

melody and her friend are there because plot

melody sweetie baby i love you but you cant play the recorder

THEYRE PLAYING IN HARMONY DKDJSKDJSJKK 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

this is cute as fuck

melody is babey

oh explosives time??

i just dubbed these kids ornshaw and the pyrotechnics crew and it fits

dannys parents are annoying

i quite literally hate them

DANNY SPILT HIS COKE ITS SUCH A SIN

“neviw”

melody girl are you okay

melody are you lying about getting raped

oh time skip to school

we’ve hardly seen ornshaws home life so when will we properly meet him??

god i fucking love ornshaw its mad

oh this is an iconic scene if there ever was one

“go on tom dance with her” oh the ONE TIME ornshaw is called by his first name

youre mad !!

“girls are a load of snotty nose little so and sos” ornshaw aro king

is ornshaw.. scared of women

whatddya mean i dont dance very well!?

is it bad i lowkey crackship peggy and ornshaw now

YOU DANCE STUPID!

no one:

ornshaw: kicks peggy in the shin because he cant dance

“you big fat fool” yikes

danny u ok

ALL ORNSHAW AND HIS MATES DO IS CREATE EXPLOSIVES DJDKJSKt

oh it worked for once

i feel so fucking sorry for melody wtf

bb 🥺

im at the bit where melody is crying while putting on her mothers makeup 

SWEETIE ITS OKAY 

OH TIME SKIP TO SPORTS DAY! 

this film is so fast were already an hour in!

ornshaw giving actually solid life advice?? are you sure this is the same movie

“you youre gonna be bloody useless!”

i literally love ornshaw so much 

FUCK DANNYS MUM

GO ON DANNY 

YES MY BOY

time skip to school 3982903843290

wtf is a young latin scholars book

lahtimah

not ass latimer, arse

i hate the latin teacher

ornshaw every second: right uh erm um uh so yes sir oh uh mhm

*ornshaw and danny shoving pillows up their underwear*

“dont worry about it!!” dude hes getting spanked by the latin teacher ofc hes gonna worry about it

ornshaw and latimah

“vacate your mouth”

“because its a silly out of date language sir!!!” hes not wrong

uh oh 

what will slapping ornshaw’s ass with a dap even gonna do???

oh hi melody forgot about you

AWH DANNY SWEETHEART

“cmon danny dont let her see you cry!” i want a friend like ornshaw man

melody is just STANDING THERE LIKE GIRL LEAVE

“you can buzz off now love, tara, tooduhloo” have i said i love ornshaw? because i love ornshaw

danny dont abandon ornshaw !!

oh this is sad

danny? danny?? danny!!!??? DANNY!!?? 🥺🥺🥺

ORNSHAW RIGHTS MAN

ive felt sorry for literally all three of these kids now

ah fuck now ornshaws having a mental breakdown in the school halls

danny and melody’s relationship is so innocent and wholesome 

this is literally so bittersweet, like we’re seeing danny and melody being all cute and happy but we know that back in school ornshaw is literally having a breakdown over them

im tearing up over a movie about schoolchildren in puppy love

“will you love me that long?” “of course! ive loved you a whole week already!”

“hes come to tea! his name is daniel!” melody hes not your pet

melodys dad seems so cool why was he arrested

donald????

i genuinely love melody’s dad 

melody dramatically eats toast

time skip to school AGAIN

OH GOD I’M ACTUALLY CRYING

melody and danny are out on a date having fun and its the same song playing as the scene earlier on when danny and ornshaw went off somewhere at the start of the movie, melody has quite literally replaced ornshaw

i have real tears rn 

they skipped school to go to weymouth

danny and melody are literally adorable man

“shall we get married?” arent yall like 12????

oh back to school they got in trouble for skipping

apparently the poor cast got spanked for real and like yikes

we want to get married :D

ITS NOT MENT TO BE FUNNY!!

leave danny alone!

leave melody alone!

ornshaw please stop

ornshaw stop taunting him this is gonna end shittily

OH SHIT 

THEYRE STRAIGHT UP FIGHTING 

ORNSHAW AND DANNY ARE MF WRESTLING EACHOTHER TO THE GROUND

okay now ornshaw is literally beating him up okay

danny this is your fault for ditching him for melody sorry

top ten best anime fight scenes

latin man is back because plot

DID ORNSHAW GIVE HIM A BLOODY NOSE

i’m sorry danny 😭😭

ORNSHAW. DESERVES. THE. FUCKING. WORLD. AND. MORE.

let melody and danny get married!

wait so if 20 is twice as old as her then shes.. ten?? i think

melody ily

“all i want to do is be happy” BABY

OH FUCK YOU MRS LATIMER

oooh

THEYRE GOING TO GET MARRIED BY THE RAILWAY 

ornshaws unnamed friend is the true hero of this movie

is this the movie climax???

run! ornshaws unnamed friend! run!

IM SORRY THE’RE LITERALLLY GETTING MARRIED I’M 😭

“we are gathered here today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony.. shaddup”

ITS NOT FUNNY ITS SERIOUS

IS ORNSHAW STRAIGHT UP MARRYING THESE TWO IS HE THEIR VICAR

HE IS AS WELL

“DICKS IS COMING!!!” as soon as they were getting the rings

RUN !!!!

ornshaw just threw the bible at his re teacher from the re scene at the start i love him

DANNYS MUM HAD IT COMING

name a more iconic trio than melody perkins, danny latimer, and tom ornshaw, i’ll wait

GO PEGGY!

ORNSHAWS UNNAMED FRIEND IS GONNA FINALLY GET HIS BOMB WORKING!

YES

GO ORNSHAWS UNNAMED FRIEND

“i’ll get you ornshaw!” dude how is this his fault its yours for unterupting the wedding latin man

again ouf is the true movie hero

wait latin man is dicks??? whos wannabe remus lupin then????

this just in: ouf is actually named stacey

oh god thats actually such a bittersweet ending

melody and danny trolleying off into the sunset

im actually crying like a baby rn

god that was such a good movie

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

[tangerinegod]

Hello! I am sorry to bother you but I am a senior getting ready for college this year. I am in the US and I wanted to major in the same thing you did, do you have any possible tips for me? I still haven't even looked for colleges that would be best for animation majors so I figured if you were up to giving out any tips/saying any basic ideas if you wanted to/if you had the time to then maybe I'll have a better idea! I apologise for if I sound weird! I'm tried to word it correctly but I can't 😿

hi!! i’m totally down to share my experiences! someone else also had some questions so i’m going to put them all together in this post haha, hopefully this helps! it’ll get pretty long so apologies ahead of time but art school is a lot to think about so i wanna be as helpful as i can around it, its a lot of time and money. I’m gonna put it all under a read more cus it is really really long!

i wanna start off with the fact that I had the privilege of attending school in a financially stable environment, my parents were/are really supportive so w merit scholarship i only came out with around 20-30k in debt and i also had housing support my entire time in school. they were ok with me focusing on academics so i didn’t hold a retail job unless i was out of school like summer/winter break. Ofc though i regularly take commissions/do merch/cons to try and pay for all bills that arent rent cus i did want to be financially independent where it was possible. I also did try and work during the semester but everytime i did my body would deff start to breakdown from the fact that i didnt wanna compromise schoolwork with jobs.. so just read ahead know this experience is from a student who was able to attend focusing only on school work for most of the time!

the biggest thing is knowing art school is not required to become a professional in either freelancing or industry! there are a huuuge amount of online tools and classes these days that provide the exact same education and for cheaper too. i think it depends on what experience you prefer/can handle/want but it’s definitely possible to make art/animation art your living without higher education. the thing that college will for sure give you though is the ability to meet deadlines, work even when you dont want to, and connections with peers+teachers. i think the connections part is invaluable because you’re basically coming out with a network of people you already know and who know you! 

also its good to know if you want to attend/can handle art school! it’s a lot of time and energy and students get burned out really fast. the best piece of advice i got before going was ‘if you draw every single day, even if its for only like 5-10 minutes or a doodle for a whole year you should be fine’ consistency is super key because you’re attending school to draw, and you’ll have to create work for stuff you aren’t excited for at some point or another. burnout is extremely real and the only reason i didn’t experience it was probably because i got super into drawing naruto fanart again inbetween sophomore and junior year! it helped give me something to draw seperated from school which is the only thing i was drawing for since i had entered rip. a heads up id also consider myself a workaholic so i fit in ok with the ‘art school’ environment but it is suuper unhealthy. if you are fantastic at managing your schedule then it’s definitely possible to take care of yourself! freshman year i got 8 hours a sleep a night and only pulled all nighters for some second semester finals at the end. sophomore year + up though i ended up prioritizing hw over sleep and like for sure, definitely shortened my life span. there’s another q down below where i’ll go more into detail but ya, be careful w ur work balance!

another tip especially for animation is knowing for a fact what type of animation you’re looking to go into, and what the school is offering. I didn’t think i’d get into art school at the time so i only applied to two places + decided if i didnt get into either id attend community to get credits out of the way while building portfolio. honestly? i did not do a lot of research LOL but like i did end up having the chance to tour and stuff! just know that each school will have a very different curriculum. The main differences are schools that prioritize 3D (cg animation, cg modeling, ect) and 2D/traditional (hand drawn, ‘oldschool’, digital or traditional based) this is a huge difference so make sure you do research for it! in most cases a 2D/traditional program will also offer 3D since it’s at the forefront of the industry animation wise rn. My school taught 2D but like hand drawn on physical paper 2D, frame by frame. while it was a good experience it’s super outdated because digital tools make it way faster + easier! i’d recommend looking for a program that is digital 2D over traditional 2D. 

if after your senior year covid is still affecting campuses in the US to keep them shut down i’d recommend attending a community college to get credits and then transferring into school. one of the negatives is paying money for gened classes when ur not there for them; if you can get them out of the way sooner and cheaper there is absolutely no negative + you could graduate earlier or use the extra time for better work or to work a job! 

these are all the general tips i think i’d give on like a broad basis of attending or not to think about? let me know if u have more q’s! someone asked q’s im answering below that go more into personal experiences + work culture so heres those:

- how many hours a week do u spend studying, in class, otherwise making art? like how much of ur life does it consume?

I was basically working on art.... 24/7! since i wasnt working a job at the same time i crammed as many credits as possible into my schedule so on avg i did 18 credit semesters (around 6 classes) art classes go for 6 hours and non art go for 3, so i’d spent around 30-35 hours in class a week! hw wise it varied on the class but combined it would be around 35-50 hours a week... im guessing? on average studio classes would have 8-10 hours of hw, maybe 5 for a light week, and gened classes 5 hours w them all combined. or this was probably how things were before junior year? junior+senior year i had thesis + everything else ontop.. i’d spend around 30-40 hours on thesis a week with other classes ontop of that bc my film was super long cus im a dummy! 

- is it hard going to art school n realising that altho u were probably quite talented… so is everyone else? Like. all of a sudden. ur not special and everyone seems as good as u, you know? More generally, how do u deal with comparison?

kinda?? i think instead of the idea of like you vs others it feels more of like a competition at first to be the best. this varies hugely on school culture though; my animation year was really friendly with each other and get along extremely well, so my answer to this is v different than some others who attended different schools. i think that the idea of ‘comparison’ only lasts a portion of the first year because at some point you realize that it’s not a who’s better as much as its a ‘these are my coworkers’ type thing? like healthy competition 100% because we’re all working to improve but i think most of us learned pretty early on that viewing each other as peers going into the same workforce helped a lot. also at some point everyone develops their own style/starts to develop their artistic preferences so there isn’t a way to compare whos 'better’ anymore? i dont think there ever is tbh because style is appealing based off of an individuals preferences. If anything realizing everyone else is also amazing makes you wanna work harder ig? or thats how i felt! it’s inspiring to be surrounded by so many people who create such amazing work. 

- is there a lot of workaholic culture? all nighter culture?

100000% there can be a workaholic and all nighter culture. i know people who avoided it and thats honestly fantastic because i fall super easily into that pit. sometimes i’ll pull all nighters on a personal project just because i really want to finish it... i am definitely considered a workaholic all the way through and its not healthy rip... i’d estimate at the worst i was pulling 2-3 all nighters a week and only 4-5 hours of sleep on the nights i didn’t? that was only for one year tho, after that i was like yeah ok this is really bad for my health in the long run LOL so i tried to cut it down to one all nighter a week and around 5-6 hours of sleep the rest of the week! by senior year my decision to cram in full semesters paid off and i was able to consistently get around 7 hours of sleep a night + no all nighters minus finals since my schedule was lighter despite thesis 😭 while there is that culture i don’t think people view it as like a badge of honor or something to be proud of anymore which is good, we mostly view it as a flaw of the art school system and something that needs to be fixed!!

- are you glad u did it? how did u know it was what u wanted?

i am glad i did it! i’m definitely in a limbo right now of if it was worth both my time, money, and my parents money rip but i think with what i got out of it i definitely wouldn’t be as far skill wise or knowledge wise when it comes to the art industry. i would say it was only worth it for be because i had so much support going in though so i was able to focus so much on improving. if i had only been able to put in part of the effort and not make full use of the resources provided i would honestly have a different answer.. 

i knew it was what i wanted when i realized i really couldn’t see myself pursuing a different profession happily! despite all the bumps and stuff im fully in love with drawing still and feel honored that it’s a field that can provide a living. my second profession choice was to go into culinary school? and third option i think going was into music cus i was also a band kid hehe.  

- how do u cope with ur hobby becoming ur job? how do u deal with art going from something u do for fun to something u do on command constantly?

i think seperating work art from personal art is important! in my case im doubling naruto into being personal work so i have something to fall back onto that isn’t work related. its been a hyperfixation for 12+ years? so drawing it at this point is just like personal art imo. some people have hobbies outside of art and only draw for their job! i think after attending classes for so long the idea of hobby turning into job feels extremely natural? also i enjoy doing it so thats a huge plus! 

sorry this is SO long but i hope i answered your guys’ questions! if you have more just lmk!

[scrambled-eggsed]

Tbh theres now gonna be a rant every time i have an evening shift, until i get used to it. Which will hopefully be soon but to be completely honest i dont know

I dont know if it really is just shit every time or if im just catastrophising. Bc even if at every shift theres a fuck up or something that goes wrong, its still. Normal? It shouldnt be as horrifying as it is to me. And every time i walk out shaking, or sometimes even almost in tears. And even though i still take a while to close so i leave later than i should it still should make me as anxious as it does. But every time i get home almost half an hour after i shouldve gotten home, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And i dont know if it was just for this week, when i had 3 evening shifts and tomorrow have a fucking morning shift, but for now i only know i am anxious through the roof and more tired than ive been since may. And you know whats the stupidest way i found to cope? Scrooge motherfucking McDuck. Every time i got home this week, tired as fuck and done with everything, i genuinely just think of scrooge mcduck lecturing about how every bit of hard work leads somewhere? And obvs thats the bullshit american dream but that's not even what im talking about. I just want to be at peace😭 and maybe if i do this work now I'll have something to think back on and hold even tighter to the peace of mind I'll have then. So every time i feel like shit, at midnight, hurtling towards an hour of sitting and staring into space(/and or full on breaking down) i think of scrroge mcduck and then im magically better. This is so stupid fr how is THIS how i deal with inconveniences. I am genuinely just catastrophising like i always do and half an hour later i always realize things arent actually so bad and i was literally looking down a black hole of misery even though i really had no reason to do that

[airghoul]

i got a lot of stuff on my mind so im gonna make a lil (actually its big) post

the past week or so i’ve been doin really bad mentally. i have good moments and bad moments, like...something as trivial as a bad thought can make me go in full blown panic mode and i overreact and breakdown...over a bad thought...something thats not going to happen, or at least i hope not. im trying to get out of my emotionally manipulative habits, bc trust me, i used to be really bad about it. im almost afraid to talk about my feelings bc i dont want ppl to think im manipulating them. i never mean to do it but it happens and it makes me feel incredibly shitty bc ive hurt so many people with how i acted, not even realizing how bad it was. 

one little thing could set it off...a negative comment towards something i did wrong, and i started crying uncontrollably and instead of saying “hey, sorry i did this, i won’t do it again”, i repeatedly said that i was a bad person as well as repeatedly saying sorry. i’m not saying that saying sorry is bad, bc its not, but i said it multiple times, even when the topic was gone. i couldnt let it go or get over it bc i felt so stupid and scared bc i upset someone, and i dont like doing that. 

i think the fact that i was always kinda lonely growing up is the reason why im so obsessive about my friendships, constantly checking in on them, seeing how they are doing without actually asking just..borderline stalking people, and i dont mean it in a bad way, i get concerned for my friends a lot, and i guess thats why the bad thoughts about them hurt, because i know they dont hate me or want me gone, at least i hope they would tell me at least because it makes things easier for both of us (im not saying that people actually do tho, im saying that if someone actually feels that way, they should tell me and be truthful. yea it will hurt, but i will get over it.)

the thoughts are terrible and they nag at me so much...most of them are along the lines of “they hate you, they don’t want you around” and one of my most selfish thoughts is “why wont anyone ask if im okay?”, i need to realize that nobody is here to make me feel better 100%, people are busy, or are bad with words. i need to stop relying on people to make me feel better (tho talking with my mom/psychiatrist are the best options). 

i often wonder why im like this, (obviously brain shit but you know). i wonder why i get upset over something small or nonexistent, why i think such terrible and selfish thoughts...i’ve had thoughts about hating my friends bc they didnt ask what was wrong with me, luckily those died down bc i realized that it was super unhealthy to think that about my friends. i used to get so fucking frustrated with everyone and everything bc things didnt go my way or the way i wanted, and looking back on it now, i feel glad that i’ve gotten out of that mindset for the most part. i used to be terrible about this stuff and im proud of myself for improving myself. obviously some things are gonna stay for a while, and its okay for the most part as long as i realize and remember that the bad thoughts i have arent true

ive grown throughout the years, i’ve stopped blaming people who i thought did me wrong, and started realizing that some of it was my fault too. ive gotten so tired of failed relationships with people bc of the way i acted that i really just needed to better myself for good. i would always make the excuse that i would get better, and i never did, but here i am now, a lot better than i was, and yea i still have those moments where i get extremely depressed to the point where i want to hurt myself, but i always manage to pull through. 

i think this post is done tho if i have more thoughts i’ll fuckin make another one bc why not