#im gonna have a breakdown week arent i
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Found out that despite the request one week exactly in advance (later than i would prefer but i forgot about it okay)
I have to work 11-8 on monday, the day i have a noon dentist appointment 😭
Soooo guess im rescheduling that. Eventually. When i feel up to a phone call.
…
Damn.
#kiwi rambles#i hate phone calls i hate phone calls i hate-#i also have to work 4-8 on sunday which kills me#im gonna have a breakdown week arent i#dam it all
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...
#ugh. fuck me im so tired. im getting sucked back into that workaholic mindset and now my body hurts and my nerves are fying. but it feels#good to b productive. if only i didnt have to teach and could just work with data :-(#anyway. the last 2 weeks have been good in that i feel like im actually hitting my stride a bit#bc we're seeing cool things in our genomes and its gonna b really fun to explore. and i met with the terrifying#prof who is on my committee to pitch a project for a final in her class and it seems it went over well. it was kinda funny bc we were#meeting and she was like: so how would u tell which gene was lost 1st? the phytochrome or the genes that r triggered by activation? and i#was like: uhhhhh idk. and then my advisor walked by and she grabbed him and asked him the same question and he was like: idk we'll have to#figure it out. which made me feel way better abt not knowing lol. then my superior lab mate asked me a question abt taking confocal images#and i was actually able to figure out what her issue was. and my old advisor was asking me if i knew anyone to ask for using a pam on cyanos#and i was like: here is what i think my advisor would say and linked her a paper. then i asked my advisor and he said what i expected and#linked the paper that id already sent. so im like. ok. ok. maybe i actually sometimes do kno what im doing. sorta.#and then my old advisor said she was so proud of me. and i was like aw. its so funny bc my relationship is so different with my new advisor#hes great but its all very professional. with my old advisor i would text her after hours bc she was a workaholic like me and went on long#car rides and handed out Halloween candy with her. she was more hands on and doesnt have kids so work is her life. its just interesting#so things have been going well. but there arent enough hours in the day. and my committee meeting is in like 16 days. and i am afraid for#that but not as afraid as i was in april when i had a full on breakdown and canceled it the day before it was set to happen lol#itll b fine. i just have to work thru the weekend so i can get my preproposal done. and prey that the fucking splitstree download site will#start working bc i want to do gene networks dammit#unrelated
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its not even that i dont like eating healthy food its that actual real healthy food requires preparation time that i dew not have and even more energy that i DO NOT HAVE
#how the fuck am i gonna come home from my 6-5 shift and then cook a meal for my lunch the next day#even like 'oh meal prep once a week' I DONT WANT TO. I DONT.#and then on top of that i'm like wow i should start exercising....and then i want to learn french......and i want to still watch movies....#everything in life is a chore. the whole thing#and i dont get how more people arent actually crying about this like genuinely living itself is a chore it feels like WORK and im not paid#i have this exact mental breakdown once a week sorry guys
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i wasnt lying when i said henry was 85% done last night
file name is 'its MY hyperfixation and I decide who lives'
previous editions
lieutenant colonel henry blake here wearing pants that DEFINITELY arent swim trunks that he's pretending are normal shorts
hes wearing goldtoes for no reason i just didnt like how it looked with all one colour and didnt have the energy to give him funny socks. potter will probably have to wear horse socks to compensate 😔
i enjoyed completely Making Shit Up with the fishing lures. like i followed his hat in the show for most of them but for 2 they were literally just the first cool thing i saw looking up 'vintage fishing lures'
the group shot NOW WITH EDITS!
before long im gonna have to break this group shot into 2 sections. tumblr is getting PISSED at me.
breakdown of what all i changed + bts under the cut
the list is not long. most of the list is trapper.
everything is before/after, so first image is old and second image is new
smoothed stuff out for marg's skirt so it looks more like spandex or whatever
slightly nudged sidney's right eye [our left]. like its really slight but it makes my brain happy
bullied mulcahy's legs. AGAIN.
lessened hawkeye's stubble. just a tiny bit.
broadened radar's shoulders a little, made him have a bottom lip, messed with his neck
and for trapper. im just putting a fullbody; i changed his face. widened his shoulders a bit. fixed his head so its in the right place. changed his skintone by a degree of like .0001. i think i made his legs longer too. also his pants are a colour that makes my brain less mad.
there isnt much bts this time;
week 1 of college has kicked my ass but we stay winning. we stay drawing lieutenant colonel henry blake. we cant be stopped. we being I, myself, and Me
anyway. i need to go eat something.
three to go. we can DO THIS
also this IS field day, and im keeping with the red sweatbands/bandanas/other things but it also serves dual purpose as a beach episode at this point. Good Ending where instead of the chicken on the bus [or henry's plane] its all of them crawling back to the 4077th with sunburn
SHOUTOUT TO ME FOR NOT HAVING TOO MUCH OF A BLUE BIAS. WE ACTUALLY HAVE A DECENT BALANCE OF COLOURS. I REALLY LIKE BLUE SO THIS IS BIG FOR ME.
anyway if you scrolled this far and have any thoughts abt what potter, charles, and klinger should wear, including just colour speculation, leave a reply or something, i DO monitor my posts very closely
#.field day#.my art#mash#mash 4077#m*a*s*h#mash fanart#mash art#henry blake#who do you guys think put on sunblock. i think sidney did for sure#probably mulcahy too#margaret. because shes SMART unlike SOME people#i know hawkeye isnt.#frank prolly smeared some on but not NEAR enough#henry is a goob so honestly its a tossup. he WOULD but hed need to be reminded#shoutout mulcahy and henry for being the only two fucking people with sunglasses.#its 90% because i find that shit difficult but guys cmon. your EYES#anyway if the strip on henry's hat looks bad. its cause i cant draw plaid. i refuse to look at images of plaid to draw plaid so#you're all just gonna have to deal with that
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the nhs be like
me in march: hi i have moved here from australia, i have been on testosterone since 2018 on a 3-monthly injection and i have a letter from my aussie gp to verify this and that i have been linked in with a psych and endo since then too and i just need a prescription continuation of my treatment. my next shot is due in june and i cant be late
gp: ok :) i have to make a referral to the nearest gender clinic and theyll be in touch and i'll send them the letter from the aussie gp
me: ok thanks
gender clinic a week later: hi we got your referral + letter but we need some more info
me: okay heres some more info
gender clinic: no thats not enough info we need your entire history including your Diagnosis TM from the psych as a letter + recent bloods arent enough. but once we get those we can streamline you through as a review patient so youre not on the waitlist
me after a fuss between me and the aussie gp due to email troubles: ok heres all the documents they have on my file im about a month overdue i need my shot asap
gender gp: thanks we will be in touch asap
*silence for over a month*
me: hey when am i going to be seen to? im nearly 2 months overdue for my t shot
gender clinic: weve had a high amount of referrals and youre on the waitlist so youre just gonna have to wait
me: :}
*another month of silence*
gender clinic: hi so thank you for sending those documents over, since you have already been on hrt since 2018 you dont actually need our services so we're discharging you and we're gonna write a letter to your gp explaining this and that she can prescribe the dose as recommended on our website
me:.....okay well....what do i have to do now?
gender clinic: im gonna write up a letter to send to your gp and they will be in contact with you to arrange an appointment and you can get your hrt easily like that
me: *on the brink of having a mental fucking breakdown cuz of being 3 months overdue for my hrt and all of the hormonal and physical changes that have left me feeling unbearably distressed and anxious and su1cidal and all the other fucking stressors that have come from this* okay......thanks :}
#negative -#life of doge#this summary doesnt even begin to scratch the surface of just how distressing this has been for me#i just cant wrap my head around how you essentially have no control over the letters given#or control over the correspondence btwn the gp and the gender clinic#every time ive asked what i can do#ive just been told to wait for a call#then when i inquire theyre like oh we never got that letter :)#even aus was never this fucking difficult#i really do feel for the clinics and how understaffed they are#and how they get fuck all funding and theyre the ones paying the price#for the stupid gov making stupid decisions and setting the system up this way#but my fucking god. my fucking god.#every person i talk to has their own arbitrary idea of the process#and nothing makes sense and i just want my goddamn hrt#i just want to feel okay again#ive been crying almost daily from so much stress#and i dont even know when im gonna get my t#and it feels like i wont get it until i am actually getting it#cuz who knows what the gp is gonna say now.....fucksake
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i think you just have a much higher threshold for pure fucking hatred than i do. i dont mean that as a bad thing. its useful. keeps you sane and level-headed while also keeping sight of your morals while wading through evil bullshit. but ive had at least three mental breakdowns over the past week from this project, this hatred. i cant handle this. i need to detach myself, and care less.
so, what? we're gonna let the ship drift and watch everyone flounder around til we sink out of neglect and incompetence?
no, look. i want to trust you here. i want you to take the reigns with this. i think you can do it. but you have to do it without getting me involved. because i cant keep doing this. its gonna drive me fucking mental.
are you sure this is a good idea?
no, in fact im almost certain its not. but thats why youre here, right? so that i make the bad decision every once in a while?
its the only way to learn and progress.
well, not the only way. books exist.
pussy.
maniac.
we make quite the pair, eh?
shut the fuck up and get your hands at 10 and 2, bitch.
woah, okay. calm down.
im sorry i just. fuck. i really cant handle this.
i really cant handle this. i thought we were good there, for a bit.
we were. we had a good thing going.
what happened? what has happened now to make us completely lose control?
we're alone.
we're not alone. even ignoring the contradiction in that statement, we have a bunch of people we can talk to. same amount we had a week ago, at least.
somethings wrong, then. we're distant.
what the fuck does that mean?
i dont look forward to sleeping anymore. thats what we're missing. or a piece, at least. a byproduct. i looked forward to laying in bed with you, even through we didnt have any pillows so you used my chest instead.
not even though. because.
im sure i wasnt the whole reason. you get it though, right? the stress dreams. sleeping isnt delightful anymore.
i dont know how it was. it never has been before. why the hell did sleeping randomly become an enjoyable activity for just a week after 23 years on this hellhole rock.
we were together. it was just us, in an empty apartment.
so it was the breasts.
fuck off, no, im saying maybe other people are the problem, not the solution. for the first time in our lives we are free, truly free, and the mundane becomes fantastical to us. work doesnt bother us, school is manageable despite repeating one of the worst weeks in our entire academic history, we enjoy living. and now, when we get comfortable, it starts to take over again. the stress. the envy. jealousy, thats what it is. you see the lives others put on display and think wow, theyve got it all together, i wish they could just take care of us the way they obviously know how to take care of themselves. but its an act. you know its an act. we know better than anyone how different masks can be. you need to let go of others. completely. for validation, for praise, for an indication that youre doing the right thing.
hang on. wait. this sounds dangerous.
of course its dangerous! good people care about others! good people want validation so they know they are good! good people ask permission, not forgiveness! since when have you wanted to be good?
i want to do my best.
the best we can do isnt good. we can be good, sure. but the best we can do is be evil in the right ways, for the right reasons. that freedom we felt? that was the feeling of the act being its own reward. good people stay up at night, worried they arent doing enough. evil people delight in sleep, knowing tomorrow brings another day of freedom, and with it, change.
is this abusive?
you know the game. you tell me.
i love you.
i love you too.
~ lets go to bed.
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i kinda went off the rails for a second there, but im back !! i spent some days at my grandma's and honestly i cant bear her look of worry when i dont eat, and the guilt would've been too much for me :[ so i tried to ignore all my restrictions.
i also kinda fucked up a lil bit... its currently winter in my country but im going on a trip abroad in a couple of weeks, where it'll be summer, and still i self harmed on my arms where its imposible to hide it if i use short sleeved shirts, so idk what i'll do. i have like three weeks left so maybe it'll be less noticeable by the time i leave but i've had a couple of breakdowns over it already.
i just dont know what i was thinking yk? like im rlly careful about it. i've been self harming consistently for about a year now, and did it sporadically since i was thirteen, and i've only been caught like once by a cousin and she didnt tell anyone (i had had a nervous breakdown and self harmed on my wrists, but the scars arent visible anymore)
back to the point, i usually only do it on my thighs where its very easy to hide since i never likes wearing bikinis, and on my torso where my bra hides it. so i dont really know what came over me.
but whatever, im building myself into a panic just writing about it. i dont know what im gonna do
im starting an only-plants diet!! im trying to lose between 10-20 pounds before my trip so i'll just eliminate all processed foods, like carbs and sugars, because those are usually the kind of foods i binge on and if i keep falling off track i'll never lose the weight.
to finish it off, im failing all my classes !! which has been really fun for me.
#mine#self h@rm#tw s3lf harm#cvtaddict#tw self destructive behavior#sh mention#sh twt#sh cvt#sh tumblr#styroblr#shblrr
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anyways
get a vpn i use mullvad it’s p cheap and just gives you an account number set it to switzerland theyve got nice solid privacy laws and arent part of the main surveillance agreements between the us and its allies (5 eyes, 9 eyes, or 14 eyes) opt out of everything the websites you visit give you the option to opt out of (bc of eu and swiss privacy laws p much every website will give you that option and breakdown clearly what info they wont let you opt out of and what theyll do with it) and install it on both your phone and computer
follow these instructions to keep google from harvesting and keeping your data. altho honestly they probably still keep that data so just avoid google when possible. on that note the google search alternative i use is startpage it uses google results but anonymizes your search bc lets be honest duck duck go kind of sucks and if a service is subpar youll probably just revert to the better one so. startpage.
use firefox google chrome is the devil why are you using google chrome. it’s terrible and you can easily import everything to firefox. clear your cookies frequently.
get rid of your alexa or google home or whatever you do not need it and dont buy one if you dont already have one. dont buy a doorbell cam and if you really need or want one definitely do not buy a Ring doorbell cam. dont buy anything you can avoid thats attached to the Internet Of Things. invite tech companies into your home as little as you possibly can
install ublock origin and privacy badger theyll block a lot of ads and trackers. also install the google analytics opt out extension which will prevent some of your activity from being reported back to google (it doesnt opt out of all google analytics functions tho)
install facebook container, twitter container, and amazon container. this will help prevent them from following you around the web at least a little. also stop visiting those sites as much as you can and uninstall their apps. this includes instagram which is rife with privacy issues. disable or uninstall as many google apps as you can and your phone will allow.
use signal for messaging (available on desktop and mobile and can be used for video, voice, and text/photo chat) and protonmail (choose the .ch domain name) for email. bc i am.....broke and dont really want to have another subscription so i can have two protonmail aliases i use a tutanota account (based in germany which is part of the 9 eyes) for random stuff i want to sign up for and protonmail for personal email.
stop using google news and flipboard they store everything you read and tailor your feed. i use inoreader for now which is an rss feed so you just subscribe to the news sources you trust but i am also searching for a better rss feed app with a good ui to use instead bc inoreader still collects user data, but they dont tailor your content at least.
theres not really a good alternative i know of for youtube but the best thing you can do there is remain aware of past and the latest right-wing dog-whistles so if you accidentally stumble on a shitty covertly alt-right video bc youtube is constantly pushing them, you can avoid that.
do not submit your dna to ancestry websites and vocally encourage your family members not to as much as you can.
im not a Tech person at all so all this is just the best i can do as a random person who doesnt want companies esp companies that notoriously cooperate with the us government given what we’re headed towards to have every tiny piece of my info.
read this article by a Tech Guy telling you all the information google and facebook have on you and some tips he has on how to delete or prevent it i might have forgotten which was the first thing to really properly scare the shit out of me about tech companies a couple years back. also this series about a journalist’s experience trying to avoid the big five tech companies for a week each and how mindblowingly difficult that was. in terms of documentaries lately ive watched the social dilemma (which was infuriating but had lots of interviews with Tech Guys who were formerly high up in many tech companies completely avoiding responsibility for their actions but also telling you all the shit they do) and the great hack about cambridge analytica. also thank you to user @crowleyraejepsen for being your friendly neighborhood librarian helping me do my bare minimum to protect my privacy
i know if anyone reads this massive rambling post theres gonna be a million people in my inbox with “well what if i NEED to do this or CANT avoid them for THIS REASON” and my answer is: then do it! why do you care about or want my approval! i know there are plenty of scenarios where these services are basically essential or unavoidable so just use them when you have to and avoid them when you dont. or do nothing! but be aware of the choice youre making at least
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DISCLAIMER: THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE FOLLOWING CHARACTERS: KENSHIN UESUGI, LANCELOT KINGSLEY, COMTE DE SAINT-GERMAIN, AND LICHT KLEIN. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
I think the nightmare I just set myself up for finally hit me. I just now realized what routes I have currently selected across ikesen, ikerev, ikevamp, and ikepri and all I have to say is- Shit, Im gonna be an emotional wreck, arent I?
The routes I currently have selected are:
Ikesen: Kenshin Uesugi
Ikerev: Lancelot Kingsley
Ikevamp: Comte de Saint-Germain
Ikepri: Licht Klein
Please ignore the fact that 3/4 of them are blonde-I swear I dont have a type. Thats a lie. I totally do. But its not blondes lol- God, I need to stop. I am not funny.
I dont know much about Comte's route besides that fact he and Mitsuki get married at the end of his romantic route, and that his real name is Abel. Funny story there! I didnt even learn his real name from his route, I learned because of fucking spoilers. Shortly after his route came out, I played uhh one of the wedding events and bought his epilogue because Im a whore- In the epilogue, they used his real name- So thats how I found out. I was a bit mad like, "Wow I just spent 300 diamonds get to spoiled. Wtf." But I figured Id probably forget because autism brain.
Which I did forget, until I found a oneshot book on wattpad that used Comte for the title, but then used Abel throughout the entire fucking oneshot without warning. I was maybe half-way through the oneshot before questioning, "who the fuck is Abel and where's le Comte? Oh- OH WAIT- ABEL IS COMTE-" So lil message to fanfic writers, treat your readers like idiot babies and put warnings for potential spoilers. Some people (me, im people) read oneshots without playing the actual route first. Im not actually that bothered by spoilers, Id just appreciate being warned first.
Back to the main subject of this post- I dont know if le Comte's route is sad or not. Knowing the devs, it probably is though. I already know that Licht's route is one hell of an emotional rollercoaster like holy shit- I hate touching others but Id gladly ignore every single one of my sensory issues if it meant I could give this poor sad man a hug. Ive been warned that Kenshin's route is a bit intense, but I just keep telling myself that he cant be worse than Nobunaga and it'll all be worth it in the end. To just shut the fuck up with your anxiety and date the pretty but secretly soft yandere boy. Ive heard Lancelot's route is sad, but Im prepared. Similarly to Mitsuhide, Ive already played a few routes before Lancelot's that he was a major part in so I have some idea of how his may end.
But all I see is that Ive set myself up for a potentially very emotional rollercoaster so in about a week or maybe even a month, I'll share how my potential mental breakdown is going.
#ikemen series#cybird ikemen#ikemen sengoku#ikemen revolution#ikesen#ikemen prince#ikemen vampire#ikepri#ikevamp#ikerev#comte de saint germain#ikevam comte#lancelot kingsley#ikerev lancelot#licht klein#ikepri licht#kenshin uesugi#ikesen kenshin#why do i do this to myself#spoiler warning
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Ok listen i have so many mental issues that this kind of structure to deal with loss would be nearly useless BUT there are a lot of people it can and DOES help. Being there for people deep in grief can mean so, so much to them. Just take the time to read it, I promise its worth the read.
isn’t it disgusting how american society only expects people to grieve for a few days until returning back to their everyday lives? that we should either overcome or repress our trauma of losing a loved one before the week is over with?
#grieved#losing#you die i die#process#for those of u who're gonna ask (or possibly scoff) my issue is that i compartimentalize so fucjing hard i dont feel shit#meaning. i live life not focusing on the things that arent immediately around me. its horrible for my schooling and my job. but#i'm pretty sure its the only reason i survived my childhood. if i could escape the aftermath of my parents fight by reading#then i wouldnt have to deal with the emotional response it probably should have evoked. if i stoped thinking abiut how poorly the rest went#and instead focus on that cool rock in the earth science lab then i can avoud the soul crushing dread and ensuing oanick attack i would#otherwise have had.#so. when i lose things; im fine the second i adjust to not having them. i dont get homesick. i dont actually miss people when i dont see#them for long periods of time. when someone dies; unless they were in my life constantly prior to it happening. it doesnt feel real#and it wont for MONTHS. The only people i can be certain i WOULDNT have this reaction to are my immediate family and my best friend.#it took me over a year to feel in any way properly sad over my grandfathers death; and by tye next morning -after a long late night cry-#i was fine. when my abuela died; i was stunned and immensely sad for abiut an hour; then had successfully stopped thinking about it untik#i was told i wasnt allowed to travek to the funeral; in which i had an angry breakdown to my parents.#the only time ive ever truly was when my hs gf broke up with me#and i wanted to die because she was also my bestfriend and as most of my friends had ditched me for being queer; she was kinda the only#person i was close to. we went from being in contact nearly 24/7 to almost nothing in the span of about three weeks.#in perspective. this means the only time i grieved someone was when i was mear completely emotionally and socially co-depemdant#co-depenant on said person. like. being said back and forth kinda emotionally dependant. and. ngl. if i had followed the#above greiving . i would have followed through on killing myself. i ONLY handle sadness by crying until im numb and ignoring it.#i never learned anything else growing up. it wasnt exactly a healthy environment.#that said. i know many. many people who would jave HUGELY benefited from having the above structure for their grieving so. read it.
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ahh ray...some things happened today. my executive dysfunction has been killing me the last few months, and im behind on so many projects. im working on them, slowly. really, really slowly. but this week has been...so hard. its like im lying down scrolling on my phone screaming in my head i should get up why arent i getting up cmon everyones gonna start yelling again just getupgetupgetup and im so close to breaking down again, and this morning my mom left for work after telling me that my teacher contacted her about my absences and missed requirements and she told me that she'd help me when she got home. despite the gentle reminder, i still spent the whole day lying down not doing anything.
when she came home, she didn't seem to be in a bad mood. but the first thing she did was ask me if i did any work today. i didnt want to lie, so i just...didnt say anything. i knew i fucked up when she slammed the door on her way into the room. a minute later she came out and just...i dont know. she snapped, i guess? cant really blame her, since what she saw was me, lying in the corner of the room with my earphones plugged in and evidently not doing anything substantial. so she yelled. uh, another thing? im that anon with the shitty older brother. he was in the room too, just...it was a lot. and the thing is, yelling and raised voices really fucking scare me, so there was me, sitting there shaking and trying not to cry after being yelled at, and my brother, who got dragged into it too, saying why didnt you just do it? i tried. i tried i tried so hard and just. why support me at all if you're going to snap at the first sight of a relapse?
the last time i had a breakdown in front of my mom we had a whole heart to heart and everything, and she said she wouldnt say all those shitty things like 'you dont want to work? fine, ill just send you to your dad and his parents. you and your brothers can go if none of you want to listen to me.' and just. why. why would she say that. and she said all those horrible things again anyway, so im thinking, if she could lie about something like that, something she knows scares me and hurts me, what else did she lie about?
she did help with the work, eventually, but the whole time i was tense and hiding my hands so she wouldnt see them shaking and i couldnt focus on a damn thing, and she was rushing me for answers and i just feel like i cant breathe anymore and it all just hurts and im tired all the time and i cant help feeling like its all my fault anyway so i dont have the right to complain. i know this is all fucked up, god do i know, but its just...so difficult. everything. thanks for letting me vent again, this has been a terrible day and week and year
Oh darling, take a deep breath.
What you're going through is absolutely hard as all hell and I hate that you don't have a more solid support system to help you out.
Being upset like you are is perfectly understandable given the situation.
Is there anyone you can reach out to outside of you current living situation? Someone at school maybe? A teacher or a counsler who might be able to help without adding more stress onto your already fragile situation?
I hate that I can't say/do much more for you but please do understand that we're here for you if you need to vent again.
Stay safe, remember to breathe, and do the best you can
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ok, listen up folks who like to write college peter parker: im about to tell you ehat truly is like to study engineering in a prestigious college. take notes.
classes are either the most useless thing ever or the most useful. sometimes they don't even look like anything the test is gonna be about.
most trachers are academics so they dont know how to teach and it shows.
tests arent multiple questions, they are one to four gigantic problems that will make your brain cry.
Calculators are your best friend. most engineers use the TI type. Peter has to have it.
Programing is a bitch. If peter doesnt have a breakdown bc his code doesnt work only to find out its bc he left an opened parenthesis then its not realistic
There is not that much of tinkering until the very end of the career (at least on my college)
Most homework takes WEEKS to finish. I get that peter is s genius, but they are long snd take a lot of willpower to get through.
Notes? Messy. Trust me, there are not aesthetic or decent notes.
All kids have watched at least on anime and love videogames. We are nerds.
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well fuck if im gonna have to move blogs im dropping some muses fuck this
#ᶦ ᵗʰᶦᶰᵏ ʷᵉᶫᶫ ᵍᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᶦˢᵗᵃᶰᶜᵉ ⸢ out. ⸥#im. too sick for this. like on a regular day this happening eould still fuckin. destroy me.#but when ive been sicker than ive ever been before for a week straight?#i can not handle this. like im havin a fuckin. breakdown#all bc my tags arent working and im gonna have to either live with a million broken tags or move AGAIN.#but im also havin a breakdown bc if i move again i can guarantee that ppl r gonna be too sick of my shit to follow me#like i had? 500ish followers before i revamped and. maybe 100 followed me after.#i had 1k on beth at one point but then i moved blogs and ended up on ab 50 followers.#and the number shouldnt matter to me but like. it feels so fuckin shit to have one number and then in the blink of an eye everyones gone??#i just. can not handle this tonight.#negative //
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They think they're fucking hilarious
What if I fought the guidance councilors
#busting out the curses for the first time in like ever because holy shit i actually cant stand them#i did not wait there for nearly 2 hours for them to go 'come back later uwu' to me and make me leave#MIND YOU I SKIPPED MOST OF A CLASS FOR THIS. I SPENT MY ENTIRE FUCKING SPARE DOING THIS#and then i come back aftef school and AGAIN they go 'come back later uwu'#theyre so lucky my dad was right there or else i would have started screaming at them#i wish my mom came instead of my dad so she wouldnt just quietly leave. she would have yelled#and shit would have gotten done#also im 99% sure the guidance councillors arent gonna get me what i want#because i need a course for uni and they didnt put me in it#because why the fuck not#and that they prioritize people with low marks like what the fuck these people are gonna drop out in 2 weeks#and they're just gonna put me in e-learning instead#what the fuck im not doing e-learning chem in preparation for university they're stupid to think i want this#they should just pay for my god damn tuition at this point. financially compensate me for having avoided like 5 breakdowns today so far#if theyre gonna literally prevent me from getting to uni theyre paying for it#ravi's randomness#school stuff#vent tw#god im about to cry. again. swearing did did make me feel mildly better#but only mildly#aka not really
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got tagged by @panwriter, thank you xx
1. what do you prefer to be called name-wise? ali. pronounce it however you like i dont really care lol
2. when is your birthday? march 26. so just a few weeks from now. oh boy
3. where do you live? joensuu, finland babey
4. three things you are doing right now? pretending im reading the essays i shouldve read for methodology class weeks ago, making a list of things i need to get from the university library (and where those books are exactly - i dont actually go to the uni library very often at all but for some reason rather many of the books i need arent available as ebooks), trying to drink the second bucket of coffee of the day without spilling it everywhere
5. four fandoms that have piqued your interest? re-animator; stephen king multiverse (was gonna just say the shining and doctor sleep but we all know its more than that); saw franchise; the godfather. though with sk and godfather im basically just playing in my own little isolated sandbox and im more than fine with that thank you
6. how has the pandemic been treating you? ah well. its been treating me. got my ba degree and generally have been able to study more so thats good. spent five months with my family in tampere last year and itd probably be good for me to go there again but as it is im stuck in my apartment because of doctors appointments. like thats the only reason i cant just Go. also i recently realized i havent seen my grandma in over a year and cried about that. choir stuff is obviously all fucky and uncertain. also having time to think about things and stuff means ive been figuring out gender stuff so thats been.....interesting....and energy consuming.....and crisis inducing
7. a song you can’t stop listening to right now? täällä on joku by absoluuttinen nollapiste, its finnish weirdness hours in my head 247
8. recommend a movie. i mean, yeah, re-animator
9. how old are you? 25. 26 in a few weeks
10. school, university, occupation, other? university of eastern finland, babey! english language and culture major, literature minor. did my ba thesis on the shining. the novel, fuck the kubrick film, and wouldnt have been allowed to do my thesis about a film anyway. so right now im a masters student and will start working on my ma thesis next year, trying to get as many classes out of the way before that as possible. dont know what im gonna be once i graduate and id really rather not think about that but i do like studying in spite of everything
11. do you prefer heat or cold? heat. but, like... thats relative, isnt it? what i consider warm is Definitely Not warm to someone who lives in, like, texas. and i Tolerate cold and, christ i dont know. my favorite season is spring.
12. name one fact others may not know about you. once came second in a school skiing competition! i was ten. we didnt get medals, we got like pins/brooches and i still have my silver brooch somewhere
13. are you shy? sometimes. often. im anxious
14. pronouns? they/them. like i said ive been trying to figure out gender stuff and the only thing im Very sure of is that i am Not Cis, and im scared, and i get easily defensive about it all, and i have a lot of internalized issues i need to work on. gendered pronouns are like my number one personal enemy, i need the sort of....neutrality, ambiguity, yknow. finnish does not Have gendered pronouns, we have hän for he/she/they/every neopronoun - and we dont even fucking use that one, everyones just se (it) and thats all fine and dandy when you dont want to Think about your Gender every time someone refers to you and im rambling because i am once again getting defensive for no reason sdfdsfs yeah theres still a lot to unload here i swear were getting there
15. biggest pet peeves? on a bad day? everything. but to give an actual answer, people not realizing their experiences are not universal and that their actions can and will have an effect on others
16. what is your favorite “-dere” type? glad to say im temporarily illiterate so i dont know what this says
17. rate your life from 1 to 10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be im afraid i cant do that luv i dont want to have a breakdown
18. what’s your main blog? this one babey
19. list your side blogs and what they’re used for. i have @ihmekukkavesi for my photography and @shineondoc for university hell and occasional doctor sleep/the shining yelling. im not gonna call it my studyblr cos it....its really not....its not. im not a good student. im not organized, i dont feel like im Doing This right. im definitely not exemplary. everything becomes a crisis and i need to let it out somewhere and thats what shineondoc is for.
20. is there something people need to know about you before becoming friend? oh boy. uh. im not good at keeping a conversation going. yet at the same time i cannot fucking shut up if were talking about something im excited about. i dont know how Real this is but i feel like i might come across as like...arrogant or something but i swear im just scared and trying to keep myself from Rambling(tm) and. well. trying to sound like a normal fucking person.
tagging @nowendil @appelssiini @librarytraveller @sailonacrossthesea @stokoetopia @kirsikkaprinsessa and anyone whos bored and wants to do this
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Melody (S.W.A.L.K) 1971 Livewatch
I have seen this movie. but not the whole thing (i got interupped the first time i watched it)... so here goes!
movie load please
20 seconds of logos???
guitar song™
this movie is so nostalgic for no reason
Mark Lester and Jack Wild: did you mean, Oliver Twist and The Artful Dodger?
and tracy hyde shes here too
i love this movie sm wtf
can these credits end????
ok yes they can
70s film marching band scene
ornshaw drinking whiskey before band bc why not
danny is bby
mY mOtHeR dId It SiR
dannys mum is so annoying wtf
i really love tom ornshaw
run bitch run
The BB™
SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER???
look at his lil face ❤
MELODY MY DAUGHTER
a gowdfish please
aww look at her
“ive done all those things i wanna try something new” LIKE DRAWING TIDDIES? DANIEL
“ah a boy gave it to me at school” was it ornshaw, i bet it was ornshaw
BITCH YOU RIPPED DANNYS TITS DRAWING
melody girl you cant play that fucking recorder
this film has great cinematography wtf
Melody Perkins Deserves The World !!
the gang go to school
Ornshaw Gets Bullied
“the jewish boys may now leave for private study” what about the jewish girls?? there’s clearly girls in the class?? why do they have to listen to the bible
ornshaw’s porn bible
DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHO JESUS WAS???
dont smoke at school kids
okay so shes peggy, why is she credited as maureen. who the fuck is maureen
hear me out, muriel is a lesbian. noone kisses for over five minutes unless youre proper horny and this bitch is like thirteen. she also says “i dont know, i never used to kiss boys”, because SHE DOESNT. shes lying because she doesnt kiss boys. shes closeted and thats whys she says she does. also, she got angry at peggy for saying she fancied a boy.
W I C
“saucy turtles make terrible bathmats, charley” okay okay jeez
ornshaws accent is everything
The Gang sneaking through the fence what will they do
uh oh danny
AWH YOURE BARMY
thats def gonna explode later
ornshaw gets kicked off the bus
but now hes on it
ornshaw and danny have such a wholesome friendship too bad melody ruins it oh wait
you’ve heared of ornshaw gets kicked off the bus now get ready for... ornshaw gets kicked out of the strip club!
you cant get a taxi!!! watch me hoe
where did ornshaw get the chewing gum from wtf
“shes always talking about people like you...” OH OKAY DANNYS MUM IS CLASSIST
“he could do with a heart attack!” WOAH OKAY
time skip to school
oh no danny’s seen melody
“we have three admirers of the dance!” ah shit
ah so maureen is the girl in green
why is ornshaw just standing there
FREE YOURSELVES
the girl gang is hilarious i love them
Muriel Kisses A Tombstone
uh oh dannys been found out
“HES A COWARD CMON”
ornshaw just yeeted his cat
i hate dannys mother sm
assembly time, an iconic part of british comprehensive school, since covid, i cant say i miss it
danny and melody !!
DANNY PLAYS CELLO THIS IS IMPORTANT INFO
melody and her friend are there because plot
melody sweetie baby i love you but you cant play the recorder
THEYRE PLAYING IN HARMONY DKDJSKDJSJKK 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
this is cute as fuck
melody is babey
oh explosives time??
i just dubbed these kids ornshaw and the pyrotechnics crew and it fits
dannys parents are annoying
i quite literally hate them
DANNY SPILT HIS COKE ITS SUCH A SIN
“neviw”
melody girl are you okay
melody are you lying about getting raped
oh time skip to school
we’ve hardly seen ornshaws home life so when will we properly meet him??
god i fucking love ornshaw its mad
oh this is an iconic scene if there ever was one
“go on tom dance with her” oh the ONE TIME ornshaw is called by his first name
youre mad !!
“girls are a load of snotty nose little so and sos” ornshaw aro king
is ornshaw.. scared of women
whatddya mean i dont dance very well!?
is it bad i lowkey crackship peggy and ornshaw now
YOU DANCE STUPID!
no one:
ornshaw: kicks peggy in the shin because he cant dance
“you big fat fool” yikes
danny u ok
ALL ORNSHAW AND HIS MATES DO IS CREATE EXPLOSIVES DJDKJSKt
oh it worked for once
i feel so fucking sorry for melody wtf
bb 🥺
im at the bit where melody is crying while putting on her mothers makeup
SWEETIE ITS OKAY
OH TIME SKIP TO SPORTS DAY!
this film is so fast were already an hour in!
ornshaw giving actually solid life advice?? are you sure this is the same movie
“you youre gonna be bloody useless!”
i literally love ornshaw so much
FUCK DANNYS MUM
GO ON DANNY
YES MY BOY
time skip to school 3982903843290
wtf is a young latin scholars book
lahtimah
not ass latimer, arse
i hate the latin teacher
ornshaw every second: right uh erm um uh so yes sir oh uh mhm
*ornshaw and danny shoving pillows up their underwear*
“dont worry about it!!” dude hes getting spanked by the latin teacher ofc hes gonna worry about it
ornshaw and latimah
“vacate your mouth”
“because its a silly out of date language sir!!!” hes not wrong
uh oh
what will slapping ornshaw’s ass with a dap even gonna do???
oh hi melody forgot about you
AWH DANNY SWEETHEART
“cmon danny dont let her see you cry!” i want a friend like ornshaw man
melody is just STANDING THERE LIKE GIRL LEAVE
“you can buzz off now love, tara, tooduhloo” have i said i love ornshaw? because i love ornshaw
danny dont abandon ornshaw !!
oh this is sad
danny? danny?? danny!!!??? DANNY!!?? 🥺🥺🥺
ORNSHAW RIGHTS MAN
ive felt sorry for literally all three of these kids now
ah fuck now ornshaws having a mental breakdown in the school halls
danny and melody’s relationship is so innocent and wholesome
this is literally so bittersweet, like we’re seeing danny and melody being all cute and happy but we know that back in school ornshaw is literally having a breakdown over them
im tearing up over a movie about schoolchildren in puppy love
“will you love me that long?” “of course! ive loved you a whole week already!”
“hes come to tea! his name is daniel!” melody hes not your pet
melodys dad seems so cool why was he arrested
donald????
i genuinely love melody’s dad
melody dramatically eats toast
time skip to school AGAIN
OH GOD I’M ACTUALLY CRYING
melody and danny are out on a date having fun and its the same song playing as the scene earlier on when danny and ornshaw went off somewhere at the start of the movie, melody has quite literally replaced ornshaw
i have real tears rn
they skipped school to go to weymouth
danny and melody are literally adorable man
“shall we get married?” arent yall like 12????
oh back to school they got in trouble for skipping
apparently the poor cast got spanked for real and like yikes
we want to get married :D
ITS NOT MENT TO BE FUNNY!!
leave danny alone!
leave melody alone!
ornshaw please stop
ornshaw stop taunting him this is gonna end shittily
OH SHIT
THEYRE STRAIGHT UP FIGHTING
ORNSHAW AND DANNY ARE MF WRESTLING EACHOTHER TO THE GROUND
okay now ornshaw is literally beating him up okay
danny this is your fault for ditching him for melody sorry
top ten best anime fight scenes
latin man is back because plot
DID ORNSHAW GIVE HIM A BLOODY NOSE
i’m sorry danny 😭😭
ORNSHAW. DESERVES. THE. FUCKING. WORLD. AND. MORE.
let melody and danny get married!
wait so if 20 is twice as old as her then shes.. ten?? i think
melody ily
“all i want to do is be happy” BABY
OH FUCK YOU MRS LATIMER
oooh
THEYRE GOING TO GET MARRIED BY THE RAILWAY
ornshaws unnamed friend is the true hero of this movie
is this the movie climax???
run! ornshaws unnamed friend! run!
IM SORRY THE’RE LITERALLLY GETTING MARRIED I’M 😭
“we are gathered here today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony.. shaddup”
ITS NOT FUNNY ITS SERIOUS
IS ORNSHAW STRAIGHT UP MARRYING THESE TWO IS HE THEIR VICAR
HE IS AS WELL
“DICKS IS COMING!!!” as soon as they were getting the rings
RUN !!!!
ornshaw just threw the bible at his re teacher from the re scene at the start i love him
DANNYS MUM HAD IT COMING
name a more iconic trio than melody perkins, danny latimer, and tom ornshaw, i’ll wait
GO PEGGY!
ORNSHAWS UNNAMED FRIEND IS GONNA FINALLY GET HIS BOMB WORKING!
YES
GO ORNSHAWS UNNAMED FRIEND
“i’ll get you ornshaw!” dude how is this his fault its yours for unterupting the wedding latin man
again ouf is the true movie hero
wait latin man is dicks??? whos wannabe remus lupin then????
this just in: ouf is actually named stacey
oh god thats actually such a bittersweet ending
melody and danny trolleying off into the sunset
im actually crying like a baby rn
god that was such a good movie
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