#im gonna do my best to get most of this done today and tomorrow so i have monday for the embroidery

[giverofempathy]

i dont wanna make this essay i wanna read a book :(

[zombholic]

| 𝐃𝐑. 𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐓. 𝟐 |

“dude i swear i will get on my knees for that woman!” you rolled over on your best friends, dina’s bed as she passed you a blunt, taking a hit before passing it back to the dark haired girl sitting against her bed on the floor.

“you saw her two times y/nn” she shook her head looking at the blunt before looking at you. “ok but listen, she is like ethereal dude, i’d gobble her-“ “and you’re done speaking, go to sleep you have work tomorrow” you almost puked at the thought of work.

dina rolled you over to the wall side as she got under the covers “i should have a heart attack and then you can take me and ask for her” “go to bed y/n!”

hearing your stupid alarm go off, dina took it upon herself to grab your ankles and drag you off her very comfortable bed “i’m going to put you in my 13th record” you rubbed your face before getting up to her bathroom “love you!”

—

you were only a little happy today because it was pay day so you decided to be nice to the annoying customers as well. “have a great day ma’am” you gave the most fake smile to the customer, flipping her off when she left “no sign of doctor goddess this morning?” jesse walks in to start his closing shift.

“she’s the only reason i’m even here right now, can’t believe this is how she breaks up with me” you fake a sad sign, shaking your head at him causing him to chuckle at your attitude.

quickly going around the counter to help jesse clean up for his shift you started by wiping down the tables, the bell to the door chimes, leaving the rag and spray bottle on the dirty table, you saw abby. “hey doctor” you walked back to the register, throwing the latex gloves in the trash, giving her a smile. “hey sweetheart” the nickname giving you a tingly feeling in your stomach.

“the usual? and why so late?” you started with brewing the coffee “night shift and can you make that 4 please, my co-workers need it too” she sighed giving you the sweetest smile.

i want you to fuc-

nodding at her request you grabbed a couple more cups and a cup holder “so as a doctor do you get like any days off? it seems so like exhausting” you tilted your head looking at her “well, because i am a very needed doctor in the field i get at least a month or two off for vacation but on my days off i need to have my pager on me always” she shows you the little black box on her pocket.

you feel jesse “accidentally” bump into you with a sorry ass apologize and a cough, giving to the look. “so um, i was wondering if i could like maybe get your number?” you held your breath, fiddling with your fingers only giving her minimal eye contact. abby pulls her phone out, handing it over to you “why not” she maintains her eye contact.

quickly adding your contact in her phone you gave it back to her, giving yourself a fist bump in your head “you know like incase i have a heart attack or something and need to call for help” you joked biting the inside of your cheek out of a nervous habit “i hope you never have a heart attack sweet thing and i really hope you call the ambulance first” she laughed.

giving her the coffees you gave her a small bye “i’ll text you on my break, if you’re awake by then?” she gave you a flashing smile before walking out.

“holy shit! you got her number” jesse patted your back “holy fucking shit! i like almost shit myself, im gonna pass out” you inhaled deeply after holding your breath for so long “can i be the maid of honor” he wiggled his brows at you with a stupid smirk on his face “you can sit in the back with the grass.”

—

getting out the shower you started getting ready for bed, not to sleep cause tomorrow is your day off but you wanted to just chill and watch the vampire diaries.

buzz buzz

grabbing your phone you see a number text, your heart racing knowing it’s literally the love of your life texting.

—

Hello, it’s Abby from the coffee shop.

omg hey! didnt think u would text me

Of course I would, why wouldn’t I?

i mean, you are a busy heart doctor so i assumed you would be too busy 😭

Why are you crying?

crying? no abs it’s supposed to be me laughing LOL

Oh, well I still have a lot to learn.

you’re literally adorable, are you off tomorrow?

During the day, yes, but I have another night shift. Why?

do you maybe want to go out for lunch or something?

Of course, I would love to.

What time and which restaurant?

you can pick that for us, im down for anything :)

How about 12pm at Vue Rooftop?

oh that sounds fancy and i probably can’t afford it 🥲

Sweetheart, who said you were going to pay for anything in the first place? It’s my treat.

no, i cant let you pay for me thats not fair on you

It’s a date Y/n, I’ll see you tomorrow. I have to get back to work now, Goodnight beautiful.

AUTHORS NOTE: yeah i have adhd and i am making part 3 already … EHEHEHEH

[shradsmanifestt]

hi, im sorry for bothering u right now. ive been asking around for advice everywhere because i really need all the help i could use right now. my anxiety is flaring up like crazy because my results come out tomorrow and im so scared because if i mess this up then my future is ruined. my mental health has been horrible and that has severely affected my grades but in most asian countries they dgaf about that and basically think it's nonexistant for minors so ofc i'm still undiagnosed, and if i were to apply to a uni i wouldnt get any good chances anywhere. if i could just get 3 Bs in my AS levels it would be okay or else i'd have to retake it and it's super costly here.. i don't wanna put my family through that because they'll talk me down, degrade me, destroy my self esteem which i've managed to build back a little. they were like this since when i was the topper and thats what made me burnout. undiagnosed adhd, trauma, depression also contributed to it

im applying the law, but instead of the feeling of success that everyone else gets i feel panicked. the 'feeling' people usually get when they're in the wish fulfilled state, the feeling of accepting it and it being real—im not getting that. i dont see a clear picture when i visualize. every time i try to, i end up breaking down and feeling like a failure... but I'm still trying to go on because why is it that the people who hurt me and practically ruined my life get to live successfully, while i suffer? thats not fair... i promised myself that if i could just get 3 Bs, ill turn my life around and work really hard... but is it over for me? i want to win, im trying to, but im scared

im trying my best to visualize myself getting 3 Bs, reenacting my friends faces when i get the results, praying to God and thanking Him for blessing me and continuing to bless me, but there is this fear still lingering at the back of my mind... i feel like I'm not doing it right. i have like one day left and I'm so nervous. im going over posts, tweets, and every time I feel a little better, it all comes crashing down because of doubts. theres only one thing one my mind right now: 'how am I gonna turn it around in one day?' i know that the 3D does not matter and that everything is done in imagination, but here i feel like its not done in imagination either

right now nothings clicking in my head, whatever i read is getting scrambled in my mind, i feel so lost and empty. could u please tell me what to do in this specific situation? u can be as harsh as you want if that's what's needed to get the point across. im really sorry for the bother and id be really grateful if u could please help out, ive never been this desperate before... my life cant be over before it even started

Hey love,

I get you, I really do but trust me when I say this.

THIS SHIT IS REAL AF. Manifestation is real af. It's as real as the fact that you are a human being. All you have to do is trust yourself that it is already done. If good results is what you want then that is exactly what you'll get. You need to choose to stop having doubts because it is already done. That is the simplest answer I can give you. Persist on what you want.

I am glad to tell you this but I just got test results for a major exam held in my uni today and I got into the 95th percentile just by saying to myself that my super power is aptitude tests and that I already scored great. In my friends group only 3 of us were eligible and I have 70+ more marks then them as well. If I can do it, you can do it. You need to stop doubting yourself. Atleast stop doubting manifestation. Cause at this point you're only gonna manifest your doubts.

I'll give you a scenario - If you're worried about getting bad grades, Trust me when I say this you're gonna manifest exactly that coz you will manifest exactly what you assume. You can choose to stop that right here, RN. Choose to accept that you got great marks. I mean don't even like aim for B's go for A's. I don't care even if you left the paper blank coz if you assume you're the topper, that is exactly what's gonna happen.

If you do get bad marks and I'm gonna be harsh here - You're the only reason why! You're gonna manifest exactly what you assume to be true even if it's good or bad. Your sc mind don't differentiate btw what's good for you or what's bad for you. It only knows what you feed it.

You got this, TRUST ME

Love, Shrads.

[chaenniz]

cookie - pham hanni x reader

A/N ;; felt the urge to write this fic bc of this lol,, i'll try to finish reqs once im done w school stuff ‼️‼️

genre ;; fluff

wc ;; 2.2k

day after day you’d find that there would be a sweet surprise waiting for you in your locker before first period, cookies.

today was no different, you opened your locker to find the familiar sight of round chocolate-chip cookies in a clear bag and wrapped with a light blue star-patterned ribbon sitting in the cubbyhole your locker had.

you reached for the small folded sticky note that always accompanied the gift.

‘i tried making the cookies softer this time! hopefully these give you a boost of energy throughout the day! - your secret admirer <3’

you smiled softly to yourself, chuckling. you already knew who had been sending you all these cookies and notes, in fact you figured it out the next day after the first time you received the sugary treats in your locker.

being hanni’s childhood friend and best friend meant that you could read her like a book. this was especially apparent when you noticed how much her writing resembled the note’s writing in your hand.

you jolted awake from your nap in the library as you felt a hand smack against your shoulder, accompanied soon after with a high-pitched voice.

"do you really have to abuse my shoulder each time you see me, hanni? you groan. "i swear, i'm gonna get uneven shoulders by the time we graduate"

hanni playfully rolls her eyes at you, ""i didn't even hit you that hard, you big baby." she grabs your wrist, "now hurry up and get your stuff, the others are waiting for us."

"yeah, yeah. i got it" you reply sleepily, gathering your things. this had always been your routine. you'd pay back some of your sleep debt in the library just before lunch period until hanni came to wake you from your sleep.

haphazardly stuffing your schoolwork into your bag, you deemed everything packed and ready to go. giving a thumbs up to hanni, she takes the lead as she heads towards where the other four girls were.

finally reaching the rooftop of the school, you laid your bag down tiredly. the girls look at your direction and giggle at your exhaustion.

"we come up here everyday, y/n. how are you not used to it yet?" minji asks as she moves your bag towards the rest of their belongings.

you just shrug, not really knowing the answer yourself, you weren't the most athletic student, but you certainly weren't lazy either. you take a seat in between haerin and hanni.

“so, are we still going to hanni’s tomorrow for the sleepover?” danielle asks. nods and hums of approval came as a response to the question.

right, it’s been a little over a month since your monthly sleepover with the girls. you and your friends always slept over at each other’s houses every month, it seems this month you’d all be staying at the pham residence.

you turn to face hanni, “does mrs. pham know we’re coming over?” your face much closer to hers than you had intended, startling the both of you. the other girls just snickered at your flustered states.

hanni breaks her eye contact with you, suddenly finding that the shapes of the clouds in the skies much more interesting. “erm- yeah. she says she’s excited to have you- all of you guys over.”

hyein raises a brow at this, a small playful smirk appearing on her face seconds later. “did my ears deceive me or did you say something else at first?”

hanni denied vehemently at hyein’s playful remark, the other girls soon joining in and ganging up on the vietnamese girl. you smile at the sight of your friends playful teasing.

that is, until haerin nudges you with her elbow harder than she’d intended to. you let out a small groan, turning towards the cat-eyed girl, “am i just today’s punching bag or what?”

haerin waves her hands up in apology, laughing, “sorry, sorry- look i just wanted to ask how long you’re gonna make hanni keep doing this.” she says in a hushed manner.

your lips curl upwards in amusement, “i have no idea what you’re talking about, haerin.”

she sends you a dumbfounded look, the smirk on your face unwavering. “i know you figured it out already so why not just confess? i see how you look at her.”

that comment made you double back. sure, hanni was a bit obvious with her slight crush on you, but you didn’t realize others could see your growing infatuation as well.

you throw your head back, “soon ‘rin, i’m just waiting for the perfect time.” it wasn’t a lie, you wanted yours and hanni’s confession to be special, and confessing anywhere around or in the school just didn’t meet your expectations.

unknown to you and haerin though, a certain 5’4 vietnamese girl was looking at the interaction you two had, deeming your closeness as anything but platonic.

you arrive at school the next day expecting to see round, sugary delicacies waiting for you in your locker. however, today seemed to be a different case.

your locker was completely empty, save for the few textbooks and polaroid pictures of you and the other girls that you put up.

you dejected a bit at the thought of hanni no longer giving you her ‘secret admirer’ cookies, but you shook it off, thinking maybe that she was just busy today.

it was now lunch period and you were waiting around like a lost puppy for hanni to come and pick you up. you didn’t fall asleep in the library this time since you couldn’t help but overthink about the cookie situation this morning.

a thud sounded onto the table, snapping you out of your thoughts, you look up to find haerin instead.

you tilt your head in confusion, why was haerin picking you up instead of hanni?

haerin notices your confused demeanor, “hanni asked me to pick you up.”

“thank you, is hanni busy?” you question.

haerin shrugs and you take that as your cue to get up and pack.

as if the entire first half of your day wasn’t weird enough, lunch was definitely the cherry on top. every time you tried to initiate some sort of interaction with hanni, she’d just awkwardly reply with a one-word answer or nod.

the girls definitely noticed the weird tension between you two, and just hoped that this doesn’t affect the sleepover that was going to happen later today.

you arrived at hanni’s address with danielle and haerin. as you step out of your car, you see minji’s car parked not too far from yours, meaning that the other three girls were inside already.

danielle rang the doorbell, the sound of footsteps slowly getting louder. as. the door opened to reveal hanni herself. she greeted you guys and ushered the three of you inside.

“where’s minji and hyein? and mrs. pham?” haerin asks, taking her shoes off.

“they’re just in the living room, we were waiting for you guys.” hanni answers, leaning against the wall of her hallway. “oh, and my parents aren’t here right now because of a sudden business trip, they really wanted to see you guys though.”

the three of you finished taking off your shoes, now placing it neatly against the others for an organized look.

“sorry if we were a bit late, we decided to go get some snacks for the sleepover” danielle grins as she holds up the bag filled with chips, soda, and candy.

hanni waves her hand dismissively and grins, “thank you, and you guys aren’t even close to late so don’t worry about it.”

hanni leads you three to the living room. where you see minji and hyein lounging on the couch, both deeply immersed in the k-drama that was playing as if their lives depended on it.

you let out a snicker at the sight, causing minji and hyein to turn towards you guys.

“you guys are here!” hyein squeals, “we can get started now!”

it made you happy to see the younger girl so excited to spend time with her unnies.

danielle set down the bag of snacks for everyone to see, “we got snacks as well, but we’re still going to bake and cook later right?”

a mixture of nods, hums, and yes’s of approval came from the six of you.

“well, let’s get started with a movie then?” hanni asks.

“just after this episode, hanni-unnie!” hyein objects, which caused the six of you laugh.

it was nearing 7 p.m. and the girls decided that it would be best if they started on the cooking and baking now.

you all decided on making bibimbap as your main course, and cookies as a dessert since they were easy to make. there would also be two groups: the bibimbap team, and the cookie team.

you expected an even split between the two groups, since there was six people. however, hyein was insistent that the groups were 4:2, saying that bibimbap is harder to make than cookies.

“we’ll let you guys go first, just so we don’t have to wait for the actual cookies to bake.” minji says before hurrying the other girls out of the kitchen.

that's how you and hanni ended up making cookies alone, but you swear that the other girls had mischief on their mind when they put the groups together.

“let’s get started?” you ask hanni, she only nods in response.

hanni was in charge of the wet ingredients, while you with the dry ingredients. the entire time you two were making the cookie dough, it was dead silent, except for when you’d ask the occasional question here and there, to which hanni replied with full answers.

“can you go grab the chocolate-chip cookies in the pantry?” hanni broke the silence, asking you instead since she was preoccupied with mixing the batter.

you did as you were asked. you looked around the pantry for the chocolate-chip cookies hanni requested, your eyes locking on to a familiar light blue star-patterned ribbon instead.

your lips curl upwards as you grab the ribbon, soon after finding the item hanni requested.

“so, you were my secret admirer this entire time?” you ask, grinning.

you set the two items in front of hanni, causing her to look up at you in slight terror.

hanni stops mixing, tilting her head down to the batter while sighing softly. “yes.. but it’s ok! i know you and haerin have something going on, i don’t wanna intrude-”

you cut hanni off immediately as she said that, “there’s nothing between me and haerin.”

hanni looks up at you again with wide eyes, “but i thought?”

your familiar eye smile graces your face, “no, i like you too, hanni. and i sort of knew you were my secret admirer since the beginning”

hanni’s eyes get impossibly bigger, “you do? and you knew?”

“i do,” you sigh out chuckling, “i was going to confess to you this weekend, but any later and i was scared you were going to ignore me.”

"it also isn't that hard to tell your handwriting apart, hanni." you add on.

hanni malfunctions for a good several seconds. y/n, her long-time best friend and the person she’s been crushing on for a year now, just confessed that she liked her back.

“erm- hanni?” you call for her name, causing her to come back to reality.

“y-yes?” hanni stutters a little.

you begin to fidget with the ribbon in your hands, “i know this isn’t the best way to ask you out, but i have to do it now or i might never get the confidence to do it again..”

you take a deep breath, “pham hanni, will you let me be your girlfriend?” you ask with a hopeful smile.

hanni doesn’t know how long she’s been waiting to hear those words. she gives you a smile that reaches her eyes in return, “of course i’ll let you be my girlfriend.”

you try to initiate the kiss first, but hanni beats you to it. she gives you a soft, chaste kiss on the lips, one that you happily return.

“usually i don’t let anybody kiss me until a few dates in, but i’ll make an exception for you” hanni teases as she pulls away.

you grin back at her, kissing her forehead. “i guess i’m really lucky then, huh?”

you and hanni hear a creak, causing the two of you to face the doorway into the kitchen.

there revealed the other four who have been spying on the two of you for god knows how long.

“how long have you guys been there?” you ask, a little dumbfounded at your friends.

“not too long, don’t worry” minji replies, a smirk on her face.

“we’ll get going now, we just wanted to check in.” danielle follows up after, leading the quartet back into the living room.

“you two better pay up! me and minji-unnie won that bet fair and square” hyein grins.

danielle sighs, pulling out a 5000 won bill from her wallet, “i’m happy for them, but i didn’t think y/n would confess today of all days.”

haerin pulls out a 5000 won bill as well, “she said something about waiting for the perfect time and making it special, i guess this was unique in its own way.”

“you two just needed more faith in y/n” minji smirks, taking two 5000 won bills and giving one to hyein.

a/n ;; wrote this one sitting and it’s not proofread, sorry for any grammatical errors or inconsistencies in the writing!

[kirkwall]

work rant so i don’t go insane

alright so for context im a software dev at a company that offers a web application to online store owners that helps automate some stuff among other features. nothing essential just sort of helpful. our founder sold almost all his shares to some fucking investment group that now keeps buying more companies that thematically work with ours to turn this into some big thing they can make even more money with. so i think u kinda get the idea why i fundamentally do not care about this company or the work we do or find it worthwhile. if this company disappeared tomorrow it wouldn’t matter in the slightest. ppl would be mildly inconvenienced for a short adjustment period and then it’d be as if the application never existed. also worth noting that there’s no office, we all work from home, it’s mostly flexible hours and a 30hr work week at full pay so u can also understand why I didn’t just quit at the first sign of unsatisfaction.

another thing for context is that i have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, autism that is only diagnosed unofficially by my psychiatrist/therapist, some sort of problem focusing (not sure if it’s adhd or connected to other health things who knows with this body) and just one physical health issue after another. which means my energy levels are usually at like 50% at most.

now my lack of motivation to spend what little energy i have all on work instead of my actual life, how often i spontaneously get sick and my procrastination due to trouble focusing sometimes leads to me not finishing things on time or handing in half-assed results.

it’s been like this for over a year now but until today no one said anything. and the call today was mostly triggered by two projects i handed over to my supervisor in a half-assed state bc I didn’t get them done well in time before my vacation. but instead of telling me personally and outright he set up this call with him and our team lead. my team lead kept saying how i don’t have any „drive“ (ur right I don’t!) and how it’s on me to communicate faster if im gonna miss a deadline and need help and to find the motivation to „hand in the best possible work I can“ and to stay on top of all technology news that concern our team and make sure my knowledge is up to par.

now the thing is. they’re not really wrong in what they’re saying it’s just that there’s nothing that will ever make me care about this work or motivate me to do it. i will never want to use what little energy i have on work instead of my personal life. i will never be able to comfortably communicate with anyone there. i don’t care how often they say i can say whatever i want to without getting in trouble, i will always still worry about getting in trouble or others thinking im stupid and lazy. i will never care about any of these technology topics or be excited to do this ultimately meaningless job.

but i don’t know how to explain my health issues to them if barely any of it is properly diagnosed. so i don’t know how to make them understand that i can’t give it 100%. this call today was already hell bc I could barely speak full sentences for fear of breaking into sobs and then not being able to stop. i always start crying when i have to talk about my health bc it’s a scary and sensitive topic for me.

i want to quit more than anything. but i have this fundamental issue with all software dev jobs. it is so ultimately meaningless. im not giving back anything worthwhile to other people. if anything it fuels climate change. i would love to get back into biology but lab jobs do not exist here. at all. i don’t have it in me to get another degree. i don’t think my body can handle an exhausting 40hr shift job and doing part time would mean i make so little money that i won’t be able to move out and i really can’t live with my parents much longer without losing my mind. so now im just. stuck. and i feel like if i quit without anything new lined up i will end up in a hole I’ll never get out of. i don’t know what to do.

[krviiror]

!! An@ diaries ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡

28 August 2024, 11:44 pm.

• trying to fast as much as possible..

• alternating between fasting n 300 cals max (volleyball)a day /week

Goal day reach:: 1st October 2024.

Goals::

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚Day 1...

September 1st,2024

• umm so.. my unlucky ass got my period the day after I was gonna start fasting 😞

When I get my period it's so hard for me to not binge because I start craving food even if I'm not hungry so I binged the whole day and failed ... Tomorrow ill try to fast since my period never affects me on the 4th day !! And it's also Monday so I find it easier for me to "schedule" my fasting and omad yk😓 but anyways I'll try do to my best to prevent myself from eating and since school started its been getting much more easier since im busy the whole day,yippie!!! But anyways bye babes I'll update tmr!🤗

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚ Day 2...

September 2th,2024

• ok so..Today there was no school because it was Labor Day! So preventing myself to eat was a lil harder😓 But I guess I did ok today! For breakfast at around 8:45am I had 2 croissants which I had NO idea it was almost 300 CALORIES EACH. So I def had a lil moment of regret after eating it🤗🤗 but it's wtv I guess🙄 luckily I was occupied for the rest of the day deep cleaning my room so I didn't eat anything except chew on sugar free gum😛

at around 2:30 I went to play beach volleyball with my friends which we played for like 4 hours straight so I ended up burning most of the cals I got from the croissants!!! After we got tired we went dep and I tried monster for the first time!! It was the white sugar free one and it was only 10 cals so I was very happy abt that!! I didn't really like the flavor tbh.. but it's still a good "safe food" when I'm eating less than 300 cals ! After that I walked home so I was able to burn a lil more calories and my mom made pasta so I had a plate! And that's all for today🤭

Since tmr I'm going back to school I'll be able to fast/ eat less than 300cals for the week! That's all goodnight guys!:)

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚Day 3...

September 3th,2024

... I actually wanna kms😞

So I had volleyball tryouts/practice today and I had this plan to only eat a small meal for lunch so I can atleast have some energy for volley... and that's what I did! I had one hotdogs which was able to fill me up for the day and I was able to burn it all out during volleyball! So I decided to starve for the rest of the afternoon and when I came home my freaking brother bought like a whole ass feast for the both of us and I was trying sooooo hard to resist but I felt bad bc he used his miney and he's always so kind to me and I couldn't lie to him bc ik he knows yk😞 so my fatass ate a freaking cake and shawarma thinking if I drank a 100 cal smoothie during it would make a difference but no it did not🤬🤬 u honestly feel so guilty and disgusting bc I just CANNOT PREVENT MYSELF FROM EATING. AS HARD AS I TRY I JUST CANT I END UO GIVING IN☹️☹️ and I'm honestly so done with saying "oh I'm gonna fast the whole day tmr I won't eat anything and catch up" like no girl why you lying😞 please if u guys have tips to avoid and YK HOW I FEEL PLEASEEE HELP A GIRL OUT💔💔

[idkfnok]

11:11: Let Me Show You (p2)

Main Characters: Jehraye "Jay" Guidry; Alani "Lan" Sanders

A real slow-burn

PT 1

I  get back home to Georgia after 11p.m. I lowkey wanted to call Jehraye, but I figured he would’ve been asleep. I get in my car and drive, I loved going back to N.O. but, I did miss downtown Augusta. It’s similar to a lot of places but, still aint nothing like it. I get home, take my bags up to my apartment, take a shower, reheat that white chicken chili I had left, I ate and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning around 10, with A missed call from My mama. I know she’s calling to ask about New Orleans. I made a mental note to call her later. I brush my teeth and get dressed before heading over to the Tattoo shop that Nya owns and doing a little voluntary receptionist work for awhile. I love coming to her shop. Because not only did I get free reign to the little snack bar she had. I  got to interact with some cool ass people too. Nya’s a traditional tattoo artist. The people in her shop though, were cartoonist and realist, shit, she even had a traditional stick -and - poke artist too. Dymo, the Realist, actually did the portrait of my great grandma I got  three years ago after she passed. All of their work was top-notch. Nya wouldn’t stand for anything else. Which showed, not only in her work, but that of the one’s she hired too.

 She was always playing music too. It jumped all over the place. She went from indie artists like music by this  dude named Money from Atlanta, Russ to Rodwave, Kodak black, Jacob banks, King von, Kirk franklin to Gallant and Marco Mckinnis ; all the way to Panic at the Disco and all things in between.Crazy enough, the dude “Money” is one of her  best friends.   Her only preference in most aspects of her life  was “I like it.” Music was no different.  Mari Walked in at about 11:30. I knew then, my voluntary duties were done. I got up from the desk, hugged Mari, yelled that I was leaving and made my way out of the shop and to the Mall so I can go stare at the back of Spencer’s and ponder not buying shit before I made my way to Victoria’s secret and sniffed around for perfume to buy at their semi annual sale. I picked up the Rainbow Shower, Desert Sky and Cactus Water. 

What does the schedule look like for the rest of the day?

“Consultation at 11: 45, Surgery at 12:30 , then lunch ;  You’re  tightening Miah’s braces, check the schedule for tomorrow and we should both  be outta here by 4. 

Cool.”

“ So how was your wednesday?”

It was good, why you ask?

“Jaelai told me you went on a date or something yesterday morning.”

Tell yo wife to mind her business.

“My wife, yo sister.”

I bet she the one who sent Toni ass to my table.

“Nooooo. What she say?”

She was chill until I give her the tip, then she talmbout “Make sure you get yo child”

“No she didn’t”

The hell if she didn’t!  had my date looking at me funny

“😂”

That shit ain’t funny. Im tryna support her and she throwing salt in the game 😂

“Toni was always fucking with you. She’s been doing it as long as she’s been with Kieran 

I know. But, damn if she don’t do it at the worst times.

 “Well you got the crybaby today so, be prepared.”

She never cried with me.I don’t know what you be doing to my niece but she don’t like it 

“I’m her daddie.”

Maybe it’s because you white.

“I have been white her whole life.”

Ion know maybe she just like me better.

“ Yeah because you always give her what she want.”

She ten , why not?

“I feel sorry for any  man who dates any of your daughters.”

Why you say that?

“Cause her like whoever her mama gonna be, is gonna be spoiled to hell. Cause you brother, are a Hopeless Romantic with a damn good job and a real love of women.”

Always. Speaking of  romance, you just reminded me that I gotta call Lan once I get off.

The rest of the day went by smooth. The consultation led to another appointment next month for braces, I tightened my nieces braces and The surgery; started and finished quicker than I expected. I was outta the office by 4: 15 . I got in my car and called Alani.

“Hello.”

Hey gorgeous, how you doing?

“I’m doing aight”

That’s good. , how has your day been? Give me details please

“It was pretty good. I woke up, ate, brushed my teeth, got dressed and I went to Nya’s shop.”

Which one of your friends was Nya again?

“The one who had on the red bodycon dress.”

Okay

“ Yeah she’s a tattoo artist. I go to her shop sometimes to help and steal snacks.”

Uh huh

“ Talked to some customers and chilled until Mari got there.”

That’s the one with the red hair?

“Yep.”

Before you continue. Speaking of jobs, what do you do?

“I’m a doula. 

Oh Okay, I’m a Orthodontist.

“ At 28?!”

Yes, I have been for like a year, almost two.  Anyway, continue on.

“I left the shop, went to the mall and called my mama back after I left Victoria’s Secret, and i’ve been home for a few hours. 

Foreal? Cool, i'm bout to Facetime you. 

I press the camera icon and wait for her to answer. When she does, the first thing I notice is how shiny her lips are. She has this 90’s lip combo. You know the one with the 5% tint around the edges and it looks amazing on her. I compliment her and our conversation continues. She tells me that she is a birth doula and some of what that entails. I ain’t ever see anybody give birth but, the way she describes it makes it sound like one of the scariest and most beautiful things ever. Most of her clients are Black women, second time moms who have had terrible experiences in the hospital. From women almost dying because nurses and doctors try to write their pain off as “normal” shit.  

If the person dealing with this is telling you that they can’t breathe, they have a splitting headache or can’t feel their legs long after the epidural should’ve worn off, you should listen. Hearing her recount some of these stories pissed me off. You shouldn’t fear for your or child’s  life coming into the hospital.  I learned some things like water births are really popular and are often more relaxing for the mother. That tidbit of information I tucked into my back pocket. 

We talked about the time my tooth went through the bottom of my lip and left a scar when I was a kid, my first sexual experience at 14 that involved licking whipped cream off of some pussy once or twice. She told me about the time she ran head first into a brick wall when she was 8 and how she snorted salt up her nose when she was 13 because she “wanted to see what  it felt like if she ever snorted powder.”  on some wild shit. I was really enjoying the conversation. So much so, that I hadn’t realized I was home, sitting in my car for the past five hours. I looked at the time on my  phone and it was 9:40 and I needed to get in the house so that I could shower, eat and go to bed. 

Things continued that way for a few more days. Us updating one another throughout the day, nightly phone calls, early morning voice messages. Sending badly angled and funny looking pictures of each other from facetime calls. I've watched her get dressed and she’s watched me get undressed. We’ve fallen asleep on the phone only to wake up and one of us has hung up. And it’s usually her.  We’ve given one another recipes. Her recipe for brown butter chocolate chip pecan cookies is top tier and she  gave me  a lot of praise on my five cheese macaroni.  Before I knew it,  the Thursday of our date had shown up. I woke up that morning to the reminder and was hella excited. I had been thinking about what to cook for two days now and I decided on Smothered Okra with shrimp and tomatoes over rice. I called her, told her what I had in mind; she said it sounded good and she was going to cook the same; but add chicken to it. 

We Facetimed each other while shopping for food. I helped her pick out the proper seasonings and ingredients needed for the dish and advised her to pick up a bag of  Basmati rice instead of “regular” rice.  I picked up cut okra while she wanted the whole Okra.I grabbed a bottle of wine and she passed on that. We went back to our houses and started preparing the meal. I ain't feel like chopping onions, so I bought the pre-cut ones. She was all about the full process. She chopped her onions, peppers and all while I watched as she struggled to cut some of ‘em because she don’t know how to properly handle a knife. She more than proved my point when she sliced her damned finger, dropped the knife and probably almost cut her foot too.

Baby, be careful, please!

“I’m fine Jehraye, it’s just a little cut. The knife ain’t that sharp”

And that’s probably the problem Lan. Get you some better knives Bae. 

“My knives work just fine.”

No they do not, clearly. You were struggling to cut the bell pepper.

“That’s because I don’t know how to cut shit.”

Aight, so you got one option, start buying pre-cut vegetables.

“I will not.”

Then I suggest you get on youtube and learn how to use knives because I'mma order you some new ones.

“Jay-”

No, bae you don’t wanna use pre- cut stuff, I'm getting you new knives. So go ‘head and give me A FedEx drop off, P.O. box, your address or something. 

“How about this-”

If ain’t no solution in this baby, don’t even say nothing.

“How about when you come visit me, we can look at  knives together.”

 Aight that sounds- wait! You gonna let me come see you?!

“Yes sir. Just not until the end of the month.”

Baaaaaabbbbbbyyyy, that’s like 3 weeks away.

“You’ll be fine.”

Nuh uh…. My doctor said if I don’t see you in two weeks imma die.

“Ohhh you so dramatic 😂 yo ass is not gonna die.”

When I am touch deprived for a long time, I start to waste away into a pile of dirt.

“I can’t with you. Jehraye Guidry, you are something else.”

We talk while finishing up the food and once she turns her smothered Okra and shrimp down she announces that she’s about to get in the shower so she can get dressed and the rest of our date can continue. We hang up and about 35 minutes later she’s calling me while she finishes up the rest of her routine. I don't mind because I am also on the tail end of finishing up my hair. I choose to go with a braid out because I know she’s wanted to see my hair. She calls back when I am almost done taking out my last braid. She’s putting on lipgloss and perfume. When she looks at the camera, she gasps and says “Your hair!”

Yeah. you said you wanted to see it out so, I decided to wear it out.

“You look so cute. Now I really wanna play in it.”

Well, when I come to see you; you can play in it for a few minutes

“Why only a few minutes?”

You think Imma come to Augusta and just sit around? We gotta order  knives and I wanna go to the mellow mushroom. You said it was a cool bar and I wanna see a lil bit of  your city.

“But what if I wanna just lay up with you and play in your hair?”

We can do that. But, you already told me that you like rubbing on folks and I like being rubbed on. That goes on for too long, We might end up in a few more positions than you intended , and you gon be doing a hell of a lot more than playing in my hair.

“ I’m down for wherever that leads us.”

Alani

“Jehraye”

Let me be clear, you rubbing on me…we fucking.

“I understand what you’re saying.”

Yeah, but are you okay with that happening?

“Yes, I want it to.”

Aight. Listen, I've been waiting for this.

“What do you mean?”

I purposefully ain’t been jacking off for about a week.”

“Okay.”

And imma hold off until I get to you.

“Oohhhhh”

Yeah so, you better be prepared.

“I hear you.”

We sit down at our tables and begin eating.  I wait to see her take her first bite.  I wanted her to like it because the recipe I gave her is truly my own and I wanted to know if she fucked with it. The way my eyes lit up when I saw  hers damn near bulge out of her head; the only way I coulda been any happier in that moment was if she and I were sitting in front of each other. I spooned  some of the food into my mouth as she moaned satisfactorily at the first taste of my food, she had no idea she was eating.  After telling her that I couldn't wait to see her, our conversation took a very sexual turn as we discussed some of the things we were and weren’t willing to do.

“How do you feel about aftercare?”

I rarely ever do it, but the times I have; i’ve enjoyed it.

“Why don’t you do it more?”

My goal is to satisfy the woman and myself, if that puts her to sleep; so be it.

“So aint nobody ever put you to sleep?”

Some have. 

“Well, I expect aftercare.”

And you gon get it, if you aint sleep.

So what’s your views on sucking dick?

“I like it. I only do it like a spur of the moment thing. I don’t plan it.”

Okay. I like kissing.That’s before, definitely during and after sex.

“Me too.”’

 Aight so, how would you feel if I wanted to eat yo ass?

“That’s a “no”.”

How come?

“I like to kiss, eating ass and kissing don’t usually go hand-in-hand.”

Gotcha 

You can bite and choke me though

“For real?”

Yes, Guidry. I’m cool with that; spanking, and to some degree, restraint.

“Oh baby, you gonna have the time of your life.”

And another thing.

“Yes?”

I am loud, and it ain’t always cute, especially if i’m enjoying it.

“Bae, I’m trying to put you in a position where you NEED aftercare. I don’t expect it to be cute.”

Speaking of, what is a typical aftercare routine for you?

“ simple shit.Take you to the toilet, sit with you while you pee.  Run you a shower, help clean you up. I’ll carry you if I have to. I’m a cuddler so, after I feel like you’re situated, I’ll clean up and cuddle you for a while. I might fall asleep, if I don’t within the hour; you can expect waffles to be made. But that is the least I would do.”

I want somewhere closer to the most you can do.

“Then you can’t fall asleep or I can do some of it during or before we fuck.”

Okay , I'm cool with that.

I’ll be honest, having this conversation with him right now, was definitely making me horny and in times like this, I am very grateful that I was born a woman. I have no doubt in my mind that if we were next to each other right now, he would be able to smell how badly I wanted to fuck him.  Just thinking about it, my thighs clenched together and I felt that familiar tingle in my stomach. He didn’t help any with his hair falling into his face, licking his lips and kissing at me. The rest of that date, I was going back and forth with mindfulness and imagining what he would feel like inside of me. What his tongue and fingers felt like. What he sounds like when he moans, is he a hard or soft dom. What does he say, if anything while he’s having sex. Just then, I decided to ask. 

Jehraye.

“Yes, ma’am”

Do you talk during sex?

“Yes, I do. I talk, moan, cuss, I might say something in french.

You speak French?

A little, 

“Oh okay. I might make it my goal to hear some of that from you.

“ You get some French outta me, we locked in. the last person I did that with, we was together for 3 years.”

That ain’t THAT long .

“When you 17, yes it is.”

Fair point.

I don’t know why I decided to ask him that knowing it would lead me directly out of mindfulness and into fantasy land. I was still eating and talking but I wasn’t at this date. I was in my bed with this guy I just met three weeks ago, with my face buried into a pillow while he fucked me as I screamed his name in pure ecstasy. Jay must have noticed because when he finally got my attention back he said “ I’m thinking about it too and  I’m bricked the fuck up, baby.”  “Jaaayyy” his name comes out way more lust-filled than I intended.“ When I get ahold of you, you’ll know I meant what I said on our first date at Nana’s.” He says. “ All I ask is that you don’t run from me. If you need me to slow down or stop, that’s fine. But DO NOT RUN.” “Why not?” I ask. “ It aggravates me and I'm gonna want to punish you for it.” “How come?” “ cause if we fucking, you wanted this dick. So,  unless you say “stop” or I feel like I'm hurting you, you taking EVERY inch I got.” “Damn, It’s like that Jay 🙃?” I say. He comes back with “Ion get in no pussy I don’t wanna be in.”

At that moment,  I wanted this man more than I have the past few weeks. We talked some more about our personal “Do’s and Don'ts” of sex, and by the time this date was over, Jay had put his hair back up, I was wishing that I wore underwear.  Maybe it was best that I didn’t. I’m not a fan of that cold shit  hitting my pussy when I pull my underwear back up.  Our date continues on and we finish our food. We stay on facetime for the rest of the night, of course we fell asleep on the phone. This time though I didn’t hang up and awoke to see Jay getting dressed. I watched him for a few minutes before saying “Good morning.” He looked at the camera and said “good morning bae.” 

Uh uh, where you going?

“ 🙂I’m taking my nieces out for a lil bit of fun today.”

awwwww , what are ya’ll gonna do?

“They wanna go to the trampoline park and the movies.”

Okay, what are ya’ll gonna watch?

“They wanna see Tiana's Place”

Oh okay, I saw a few commercials for that.

“yeah”

Why y'all leaving so early though?

“So I can catch the matinee, These girls are pricey.”

You shouldn’t be worried about that.

“What you mean?”

The way you did and were willing to spend on me in Nola…

“Yea, now Imagine that on a slightly smaller scale, times three.”

Yep. Baby catch that matinee 

Exactly 😂that, on top of gas and feeding them whatever they wanna eat when one of em, wants crumbl cookie and  subway; the other one gonna want wendy’s but, a blizzard from sonic and the baby, she aint eating nothing that ain’t a 6pce nugget happy meal with apple slices and a mcflurry wit extra oreos. 

Ohhh with the way you spend money, you must be a damn popular Dentist.

“I make good money but I also have a roommate so I can save a bit more.”

Oh okay. Good Well, Imma let you go so you can enjoy your day with your nieces.

“Aht aht.”

What?

“When did we start hanging up without kisses?”

I blow a kiss at the phone and Jay says “Thank you” and hangs up. 

My Friday was pretty laid back. Until it wasn’t. My client went into an early labor, so I turned off Law & Order and made my way to North Augusta. When I got there I was the only part of her birthing team present. Because she hadn’t called anyone else yet. She’s one of the patients I offer free advice and to some degree birthing services to, as part of my program where I help young single mothers cope with, prepare for  and assist during birth. Despite this being her second time giving birth, she was terrified. I could see it in her eyes. She feared the pain, the uncertainty and a second breech birth. About five minutes after I got there we made calls to the rest of her birthing team, and set up the pool. 

We sat her in it and talked through the contractions and tried to keep her calm until it was time for her to push.  I held her hand, and fed her some strawberries and ice chips while she focused on breathing and pushing. About 3 hours later Her son had started to crown. When we told her, she started crying. This baby wasn’t breech and maybe this labor would be easier. Forty-five minutes after that baby  Eanion Ahzi  Rivers was born. He was so adorable.  We got him cleaned up and I stayed for a few hours after and took care of the baby while she rested.   I Picked my phone up and saw I had 2 missed calls from Jay. Eanion’s mama was a wake so I stepped out to return bae’s calls.

“You musta been sleep.”

No. I just helped deliver a baby a few hours ago.

“For real! How’d it go? Are mama and the baby okay?”

Yes, She had a little boy.

“Awwww. How are you doing though?”

I’m fine, we were prepared for a breech birth but he came out head first and he is the chubbiest lil thing you ever did see. How was the day with ya nieces?

“ listen, next time, they can’t get the Aux.”

Why?

“I fuck with Gracie’s corner but, I wanna hear some Akeem ali, Russ, D4L, Ludacris or something while i’m driving .”

 Jay, you don’t wanna know what sound the letter makes 😂?

“Hell no, I’m outta school shit 😂”

Well, It seems like you had just as good of a day as I did.

“I did. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews. I’m their favorite uncle.”

I bet you are. You’re definitely one of my favorite people.

“Awwwww, you mean that?”

Yeah.

“Aight, then sit on my face when I get to Augusta.”

JEHRAYE

“ALANI”

GUIDRY

“Quit calling me by my government like that.”

Well what do you want me to call you ?

“Jumbo dick Jay”

OMG you-

“I’m bullshiting. It ain’t that big. It’s just right for the body it's attached to.”

I bet. When are you gonna book your flight?

“Next week.”

Good, that way I can set my schedule up right. How long do you plan on staying?

 “Two days.”

Okay.

“Yeah, clear that schedule.”

I will.

After that she had to go back and attend to her client. I went to hang out with Kieran and Asa. Asa, my best friend since middle school and  the one who leaves me stranded on these road trips is a High School AP Calculus teacher. Kieran, my best friend since junior year of college and now  roommate, is an HR consultant. Asa has always wanted to be a teacher. Despite the pay and us trying to convince him to at least go into the college sector, loves what he does. He had a hard time with math when we were little and it frustrated him so, he decided he was gonna do what he had to. He wanted math to come almost as easy to  him as English and history did, and he made it happen. This nigga is one of the smartest people I know and he deserves every praise he gets. He’s worked hard for it.  Kieran on the other hand, Is married; well was married to Toni and they have a 4 year old son together. My Godson Kieran Jamez “KJ” Landry Jr. He always had a thing for Toni so, when they started dating, she became his girlfriend and I became both of their friends and  the third wheel. And despite going through a divorce; which I think is stupid because they clearly still love and want each other; these motherfuckas are hard headed and are hurting because  they tryna teach eachother lessons.  But I can’t force them together.  Me and the guys hang out for a few hours and then we head to our respective homes. I get in, Call Alani, we talk for awhile and I go to sleep.

PT 1

[scattered-winter]

tagged by @soleadita im kissing u on the cheek like a mob boss

top 15 tv shows in no particular order !!

911 on abc (found family. whump. angst. absolute batshit insane shenanigans. jennifer love hewitt and angela bassett. ryan guzman getting blood all over him on multiple occasions. what's not to love)

gen:LOCK (season 1 only) (there is no season 2 in ba sing se) (found family and robots and cool animation and cool music and found family and coolest fucking dichotomy between hero and villain and and and)

rwby (the WORLDBUILDING. the WRITING. the CHARACTERS. the WEAPONS. GENUINELY IT GOES SOOO SO SO CRAZY.)

the bear (im not done with it yet and lack of actual real bears ASIDE. this show is so so beautiful and masterfully done. im literally obsessed)

supernatural (UNFORTUNATELY some of the episodes do kinda go hard.)

daredevil (the CINEMATOGRAPHY the DEPRESSED BLOODIED CATHOLIC BOY the INSANE WOMEN the JOHN PAESANO SOUNDTRACK truly this show is unmatched)

zoo netflix. (is it GOOD? no. but it is very fun and involves found family living on a plane solving mysteries and trying to stop the apocalypse so truly. does it even NEED to be good)

agents of shield (again i havent finished it but ouhghgoughhghh......found family.....whump.....literally this show was GAME CHANGING for me. i would not be the whump enjoyer i am today if it weren't for the scene where daisy gets shot point blank and lovingly lowered to the ground by the man who shot her. truly. also huge fan of the asian american female lead who is a complex multifaceted character. love her.)

dc's legends of tomorrow (THEEE goofysilly funtimes show of the century. queer found family superheroes who live on a time traveling spaceship and try to protect the timestream from anomalies. they are very, very bad at their job. a zombie apocalypse breaks out in the middle of the american civil war. a giant fluffy teddy bear named beebo fistfights an ancient time demon. they have to save college student barack obama from gorilla grodd. a unicorn bites one of the character's nipples off. truly the most show ever. perhaps of all time.)

kingdom (netflix) (kdrama) (GENUINELY the best zombie media i have ever seen in my life. barring train to busan maybe. the costume design is gorgeous and the camerawork is gorgeous and the characters are complex and multifaceted and the zombies are fascinating and the entire thing is a commentary on class and poverty. and it's set in medieval korea so they have to fight zombies with SWORDS)

carmen sandiego (fun characters. u learn lots of cool things about lots of cool places. found family. heists. nonexistent romance subplots so it's a HUGE win for the aros. stupid little french detective who wears a banana suit onscreen. et cetera.)

leverage (LITERALLY THE SHOW OF ALL TIME. anti capitalist. found family. heists. the government is a corrupt system that only serves the people in power. christian kane beating people up. multifaceted characters. autistic character that's actually like. presented respectfully. and realistically. alec hardison. insane people.)

avatar the last airbender/legend of korra (they KINDA WENT OFF WITH BENDING.)

arcane (the animation......the tragic sisters.......the music.....)

green lantern the animated series (the animation kinda sucks unfortuantely. however. HOWEVER. it has my boy of all time. with the character arc of all time. and learning how rage and vengeance are harmful to everyone including yourself. and how grief and rage go hand in hand and the only way to heal from it is hope. and and and and and)

leo already tagged the gc so im gonna tag @frigidboy and anyone else who wants to do it :]

[korithefox]

Im less than halfway through chapter 7 notes (psychology) and have to finish today because there's a test tomorrow

I also have a prob and stats test tomorrow and don't remember any of the formulas we've used this chapter (knowing him, im also not sure if theyre even gonna be on the test)

Back to psychology: i have to take notes for chapters 8-11 and do chapter 11's assignments before Thursday

I also have a journal assignment for sociology but it might take like 20 minutes at most so it's fine lols

Psychology and sociology are optional college classes, so if i miss a set number of days for any reason (appointments, vacation, "just because") i immediately fail with no redemption

Plus whatever other random assignments the math teacher decides to drop throughout the week; im gonna have to ask someone if we'd gotten new ones Thursday and Friday

My amazing best friend who i love and appreciate very very very much has done multiple music assignments for me so i can catch up more easily; i only need to do the next 2 units by Thursday so i'll be on pace Monday

The shirts for the club im in are coming Thursday and they're hosting a meet-and-greet Friday; i have to tell the teacher that im gonna miss both because i'll be on vacation and hope i don't get kicked out

Im physically and mentally exhausted, my head is killing me, my insides are imploding, i've genuinely considered ending it several times in the past week, and frankly i'd rather get it over with than miss school, have to work ahead, still need to catch up later, and risk permanently sacrificing my education just to go on random trips for no fucking reason

But hey, ✨family bonding✨

[beatbawksradio]

vent about being the bad guy

i dont ever really want to give anyone the impression that i think im perfect or that im beyond making mistakes or hurting others. having mirror touch synesthesia doesn't make me a saint or a mind reader. i cant predict how someone's going to react to something before they do, i can only understand their reaction after its happened. i think a lot of people get this impression that his hyperaggressive super empathy is supposed to also make me like. absolutely magically perfect when it comes to interacting with others, like bc im a pacfist who cares about how i hurt others, that means that i shouldnt be capable of interacting with people in any sort of hurtful way. and any time i do, then suddenly im not actually the person i say i am, or im just using MTS as a shield from criticism or faking it or whatever. "you shouldve known this would hurt," or "why didnt you think about that before you said/did it". but thats simply not true, and is a gross and ridiculous expectation to put on someone

bc the truth is im just another normal human being, just like everyone else. and i make mistakes just like everyone else. ive honestly said and done some really, really stupid shit in my past that i have no excuse for, but have at least grown from that behavior to know enough to not do it anymore. i havent always been the best at apologizing either, and im trying to do better with that as well. and there have been times when ive just been going through traumatic events that have affected my mood, causing me to be more unstable about my more negative emotions. and sometimes, im simply just callous and thoughtless and say something hurtful without really putting any thought behind how it could be received. it happens

i think its important for everyone to acknowledge that they can fuck up sometimes, no matter how nice of a person they try to be. we all have bad days, we all have bad circumstances that life hits us with, and we all cannot be expected to be perfect 100% of the time. literally everyone has engaged in toxic behavior at some point of their life, and sitting here pretending anyone is 'holier than thou' and has never done any wrong ever is also toxic. maybe the wrongdoing is of different degrees, but everyone has still made mistakes and hurt people in their past. anyone who tries to act like they havent is lying

and sometimes like. youre gonna end up being the bad guy in other people's eyes, too, not just the person you hurt. and thats okay, its good for them to have support when they feel hurt. its good for them to stand up and let you know what youve done. sometimes they might not forgive you, or you might end up being pushed out of friend circles. thats okay too. its important to respect peoples boundaries and their sense of space and safety. yeah its gonna suck ass if things are so bad that people cut you off over it, and yeah its gonna suck if the situation was more complicated than what was told to others

but at the end of the day, the people most important in your life are the ones who are gonna stick with you. theyre the ones who will not only support and forgive you for your shortcomings today, but also want to see you grow into an even better person tomorrow. after all, you can only grow into a better person if you still have people supporting you and helping you heal in the right direction; thats something i have never, ever wanted to take away from someone, no matter how angry ive been at them. i understand just how important it is to have people to talk to, even if i suspect that someone is manipulating their support. that doesnt matter, i cant save anyone from a toxic person's manipulation, and attempting to is a much more toxic move on my part. ive been at the receiving end of smear campaigns far too many times for me to ever want to inflict that kind of isolation and mistrust on another person. loneliness never helped anyone

sometimes, people might just be incompatible with one another. no matter how much we want everything to be a cute happy lil diverse funny group where everyone gets along and forgives one another, sometimes two people just really shouldnt ever be next to each other. you dont need to be friends with every human on the planet to be a good person, its okay to dislike people. sometimes thats bc of their personalities, and sometimes its because of their actions towards yourself or others. disliking or not trusting someone doesnt mean theyre going to be a "bad person" for the rest of their life, unfit for redemption and unfit to ever have any friends ever, it just means youre not compatible to be friends with them and thats okay. i, personally, want the people who have hurt me to find out how to do better on their own and grow as people, both for themself and for those around them, because ultimately i dont want other people to continue getting hurt by them. the only one who can stop that is the person themself; and i also cant be around for that redemption. they can get better, but they can do that away from me, bc im only going to continue hampering their progress and growth. i recognize that it would be the same for the people ive hurt, too. if someone's attitude or behavior just stresses you out, there is literally nothing wrong with simply avoiding that person. just like there would be nothing wrong if someone avoided you for things that are innate aspects of your personality; avoiding someone you dislike is a far, far better option than trying to force a friendship that ends up in a lot of stress or worse

wrapping back around, like... i dont want to ever give the impression that i believe ive never done anything wrong, ever, or that MTS makes me incapable of wrongdoing. i have, i absolutely have. ive been the bad guy to a lot of people in my past, whether justified or not. some of those people might not ever forgive me and thats okay; i dont want to be around someone who ive hurt and whos not able to get past it, bc i know that trying to be around them will only continue to hurt them more. its okay to let people go. and its okay to acknowledge that youve been a 'bad guy,' because it doesnt mean that youre an inherently bad person unworthy of any friendships whos going to keep hurting people forever and ever. acknowledging that youve fucked up is the first step in how you start doing better about it. and you can start doing better literally today, literally right now, you can decide that youre going to change a behavior and be a better person for yourself and those around you. theres nothing like... dishonest or deceptive about changing your attitude or changing your mind about things. its natural, and its what youre supposed to do. change is a good thing. what matters the most is not what youve done in the past, but what youre doing right now, and if youre not hurting anyone anymore in the right now, then thats the accurate reflection of your character, not your worst days. you are who you are today.

turn the page, and dont look back. be better today than you were yesterday

[diamondintherioux]

5/21/24

11wpo

New body, old clothes

I know I said I wouldn’t be updating weekly but I felt like this was important. I went out today in a vintage dress that before couldn’t be zipped up, but now I’m floating around in it. I have soooooo many pieces of clothing I now have to go through. Consignment stores around me suck. Online reselling is a full time job. In my area there are a lot of resellers so fuck them I’m not gonna donate clothes for free so they can get them for penny’s then resell them so I’m stuck (or stubborn.) I now have to try on all my clothes without my faja to see what fits my new body. It’s a champagne problem I know but still.

It’s so crazy how tiny I feel without my faja. This surgery has been life changing.

Everyday is a new day trying to get used to my new body. When I wrote the above I was having a good body day. Today I’m having a bad body day where I feel like my arms are getting flabby….im contacting a personal trainer tomorrow. Group Pilates classes isn’t enough for me. I want private Pilates classes.

I can no longer wear double compression; meaning I can no longer wear a bodysuit shaper with my faja…which is a problem because I hate wearing the faja on my bare skin. I bought 7 different “seamless” tank tops on amazon and they all suck. I really think I have a shirt torso and that’s why none of the tank tops work. First personal training session is on Friday. My last two Lympatic massages are this week. I’m considering getting them done once a week just for drainage purposes but I haven’t decided yet. I’m going to Florida next week so I want to do a cleanse, get a spray tan, pedicure and my hair done. I’ve been taking a break from all beauty treatments and focusing on my healing. I must say I LOVE not having my nails done. I hate getting them done. There’s something hot about being all put together and not having your nails done, not even polish. But Miami is a different beast and you have to look your best.

Wearing a faja is getting on my last nerve. I hate it. It doesn’t help with shaping (your surgeon has to do that) but I will say it helps curb your appetite lol you’re squeezed so tight you don’t want to eat lol that’s why you hear all these girls claiming to wear your faja for a year plus, it’s so you don’t gain too much weight.

All my clothes look so much better on me. 3 months post op I’ll post before and after photos of it. It’s fucking crazy how it looks subtle but it’s actually a big difference when comparing. I think back lipo is the most important thing you should get. That’s what really shapes your body, not your stomach. Now I’m focusing on building muscle because I’ll be wearing low cut dresses all summer

[zekeosorio]

1.28.24

today i have came up with a revelation, i will be distancing myself away from my dad. now of course due to how unstabe he is at the moment, it wont be an immediate thing, ill do it gradually. i am tired of his constant phone calls, mood swings, and overall bad eneergy that stresses me out beyond compare. i just feel very annoyed and upset by the fact that i always have to hear about how he’s “lonely” or he's “gonna go broke” when he literally gets paid by the government $8,000 PER MONTH. but im done, im tired of hearing how miserable his life is when he chooses to make his life miserable by not taking the action and doing what is best for his mental health and well-being because frankly, it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS, and it shouldve have been my business from the very BEGINNING. 

besides that though, i am very excited for tomorrow! me and emilie are gonna go hang out after school and im so happy to see her after what seems like ages. i honestly dont know why, but ever since me and emilie met, we have had this inseparable bond. we always hang out together, always get food together, always do everything together, so much so that people think that we are dating! i just find it funny that me and emilie have had a closer friendship than most childhood friends have. ill let you guys know tomorrow how it goes and i have a big announcement for you all that i think you guys will love. see yall tomorrow

[itsjustagoober]

I posted 30,638 times in 2022

That's 946 more posts than 2021!

86 posts created (0%)

30,552 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@demilypyro

@somechubbynerd

@siyuki1234

@kikimora-apologist

@roseverdict

I tagged 1,001 of my posts in 2022

#signal boost - 506 posts

#important - 487 posts

#super important - 479 posts

#holy shit - 378 posts

#the goober speaks - 206 posts

#over there - 137 posts

#irl stuff - 130 posts

#pretty please? - 83 posts

#not safe for garek - 68 posts

#unreality - 52 posts

Longest Tag: 82 characters

#about that one instagram alternative that i forget the name of because it flopped?

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

About to go be busy for today and tomorrow, as per usual. Feel free to bug me on @agoobersretreat because I can usually sneak on there, no issue. Send me whatever the hell you want over there and I'll try to reblog some more ask memes or something.

You guys have a wonderful next couple days, yeah? :D

38 notes - Posted May 16, 2022

#4

I am feeling a kind of mood today. Y'all can find me over at @agoobersretreat the rest of today. I am very stressed and I'm gonna alleviate some of it by being my goofy-ass self-insert. Come bug me there or don't, I don't mind either way.

Have a lovely evening, y'all~!

44 notes - Posted May 5, 2022

#3

So���m

For awhile now, some of you may or may not have noticed the glaring lack of activity on some of my other blogs. For those of you that did, I’m doing alright mostly. For those of you that didn’t, no worries. That’s why I’m making this post.

I have some things I’d like to share with you about them, but I don’t know how long this is going to be or how personal it’s about to get. It will be below a read more for good measure.

So, I want to preface this by saying this is no one person’s fault or anything. None of you have done anything for making what’s about to happen...well, happen! You all have been mostly lovely with me always and I could never blame any of you. Any one that I could, I’m pretty sure I blocked them a long time ago already.

ANYWAY, BACK ON POINT.

I’m shuttering some of my blogs for now, somewhere between a hiatus or extremely low activity. There is no easy answer as to why, as it is multiple things compiling on top of each other. The most important part, though? I’m not getting as much back in turn as I am putting into the effort to reach out or look for activity. This is not a sudden feeling either, this has been a long time coming.

I do not discount those who have made the effort to reply or try or RP with me! I love you all so much and I appreciate you all so much! Calling out into the void and not getting a response it usually a good thing in most other cases, but when you go looking for it here and you don’t get much back, why keep calling out?

For those of you that continue to poke me, check in on me, RP/scene with me and do shenanigans? I would like to offer my deepest apologies for this and also my greatest sense of gratitude. You are the ones I am going to miss the most. If you would like to stay in touch, I’ll mostly be on Discord for things and I’ll be happy to give you my username in IMs, if you’d like!

For now? I’m going to go through the blogs here and either change what I need to or just leave them as is. I will put this into full effect over the weekend, so that gives you all some time to see this and do with this information as you see fit.

I don’t know when I’ll be back in full, but I’ll be lurking around quietly. I’ll reach out when I feel the mood or need to, but otherwise you all might mostly have radio silence from me.

Here’s the standings about how this will most likely look:

@agooberscast - Shifts into very low activity mode @agooberscanons- Shifts into full hiatus @agoobersretreat- Will most likely stay the same/move into low activity @theplumpkinpatch- Shifts into full hiatus @softidolproject- Shifts into full hiatus

I think that about does it. Feel free to ask any questions and I’ll do my best to answer them before this goes into effect. I mainly don’t wanna leave anyone confused or misunderstanding me before I go. I love you guys so much, but I gotta do this for myself. I just have to.

TL;DR: My blogs have lost my interest and i need to take a mental break for myself. Love you all and I’ll see you all around as I can.

45 notes - Posted September 21, 2022

#2

Regular kind of day. See y'all over at @agooberscast and @agoobersretreat !

128 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Unlike the usual not busy day, it is now a busy day! See y'all over at @agooberscast and @agoobersretreat , if you wanna leave me anything to come back to!

153 notes - Posted October 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[ryssbelle]

Wars is doing a think

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

heartbreaking news cozy masc king no longer cozy due to the fact that he remembered that theres school tomorrow and he needs to plug his phone in. cozy masc king also turned miserable pile of stress due to finals week- barely begun but already kicking his ass