#im gonna do my best to get most of this done today and tomorrow so i have monday for the embroidery

[giverofempathy]

i dont wanna make this essay i wanna read a book :(

[archangeldyke-all]

more club mom i beg!

heheheheh okay!!

men and minors dni

it's an hour past closing, and you and a few of your girls are loitering in the club while you wait for sevika to pick you up.

"c'mon mom, pull!" buttercup shouts.

you grunt and let go of the pole, letting yourself collapse against the slippery stage floor. "i can't believe how fucking easy you girls make that look." you whine.

cherry laughs from her seat. "it's not that hard. what's hard is holding yourself upside down on the pole while shaking your ass in a full split."

you giggle. "janna... y'know, you girls are probably stronger than most enforcers."

trinity laughs. "damn right we are!"

"mom, can you do a split?" buttercup asks.

cherry laughs. "mom can't even do a deep lunge."

you huff. from across the bar, you hear an indignant scoff. "you better not be shit-talkin' my fiance!" you grin, turning around to watch sevika walk through the club. trinity salutes her, cherry waves, and buttercup giggles guiltily.

"you're here." you sigh dreamily, crawling to the end of the stage. sevika grins up at you, positioning herself between your thighs and wrapping her arms around your hips.

buttercup groans. "get a room."

"mmm, wanna go to the vip lounge?" you tease. sevika grins.

"gonna give me a private dance?" she asks.

the girls burst into wolf-whistles when you lean down to kiss your fiance sloppily. you're a little drunk, a lot tired, and you're surrounded by people you've cared for in all forms of sickness and exhaustion. so, you don't really care if you use a little more tongue than what's appropriate outside of the bedroom. especially not when sevika moans so sweetly against your lips.

eventually, cherry squirts you with a bottle of cleaner. "alright, break it up. you're gonna traumatize your kids."

sevika snorts as she pulls away with you. "please. all of you were fucked up way before i stepped in the picture."

trinity giggles. "how was work today, sev?" she asks. sevika shrugs.

"boring."

"did..." trinity trails off and your snort. she glares at you. sevika blinks in confusion.

"did what?"

"ask her, trin." you encourage.

trinity sighs and scratches her neck. "did you see thieram today?" she asks shyly. you and the girls burst into laughter.

sevika grins. "awe, you gotta crush trin?" she teases. trinity groans.

"this is why i didn't wanna say anything!" she whines. sevika snorts and kicks trinity's shin.

"he was askin' about you this morning." she says. trinity lights up.

"really!?" she gasps. sevika nods.

"i told 'im to come here for drinks tomorrow-- it's his night off." sevika says.

trinity grins and pulls sevika out from between your legs to hug her.

"eeek! thank you pops!" she squeals. "what's his favorite color? i need to pick a thong that he'll like."

sevika snorts and awkwardly pats trinity's head. "i dunno... i think red?" she guesses. trinity grins.

"mom, we've still got those glittery red cherry pasties, right?"

you nod. cherry scoffs. "hey, you can't steal my brand!" she whines.

you roll your eyes. "she's not stealing anything, relax."

"she used my spicy cherry perfume yesterday!" cherry accuses, pointing at trinity.

trinity rolls her eyes. "because my bottle broke on the way to work."

"is that why the whole locker room smells like cotton candy?" buttercup asks. trin nods.

sevika turns to you and holds her hand out, steadying you as you jump down from the stage. "c'mon." she mutters as the girls chat. "let's get out of here. i still want my private dance, and i want it in bed."

you snort. "you're very demanding."

sevika smiles. "i don't hear you complaining." she teases. you giggle and intertwine your fingers, dragging sevika toward the exit.

"don't forget to lock up when you're done!" you call to the girls over your shoulder.

they all wave. "bye mom!" buttercup shouts.

"bye, daddy-sev!" cherry calls.

you gasp and turn around, glaring at your best friend. "hey! the only one who gets to call her daddy is me!"

the girls burst into laughter, and beside you, sevika flusters. "alright, we're going home now." she huffs, bending down to hoist you into her arms.

you burst into laughter.

wolf-whistles and catcalls echo after you as sevika drags you out of the bar.

taglist!

@fyeahnix @lavendersgirl @half-of-a-gay @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner

@kissyslut @chuucanchuucan @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther

@lavenderbabu @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai @my-taintedheart

@glass-apothecary @macaroni676 @artinvain @k3n-dyll @sevsdollette

@ellieslob @xayn-xd @keikuahh @maneskinwh0re @raphaellearp

@iamastar @sevikitty @mascdom @nhaaauyen @annesunshiner

@mirconreadzztuff22 @veoomvroom @lushh-s3vik4s @katyawooga @lesbodietcoke

@strawberrykidneystone @vkumi @fict1onallyobsessed @dvrkhcld @sweetybuzz25

@sluttysierraaa @snake-in-a-flower-crown @ruiwonderz @littlemisszaunite @biblicalcrybaby

@blackgaladriel @nightlyconfusion @dancingqu33n17 @losernb @p1nkearth

taglist!!

@sevikas-baby @ghostscandys @sevikasllver @runawaybaby3

[zombholic]

| 𝐃𝐑. 𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐓. 𝟐 |

“dude i swear i will get on my knees for that woman!” you rolled over on your best friends, dina’s bed as she passed you a blunt, taking a hit before passing it back to the dark haired girl sitting against her bed on the floor.

“you saw her two times y/nn” she shook her head looking at the blunt before looking at you. “ok but listen, she is like ethereal dude, i’d gobble her-“ “and you’re done speaking, go to sleep you have work tomorrow” you almost puked at the thought of work.

dina rolled you over to the wall side as she got under the covers “i should have a heart attack and then you can take me and ask for her” “go to bed y/n!”

hearing your stupid alarm go off, dina took it upon herself to grab your ankles and drag you off her very comfortable bed “i’m going to put you in my 13th record” you rubbed your face before getting up to her bathroom “love you!”

—

you were only a little happy today because it was pay day so you decided to be nice to the annoying customers as well. “have a great day ma’am” you gave the most fake smile to the customer, flipping her off when she left “no sign of doctor goddess this morning?” jesse walks in to start his closing shift.

“she’s the only reason i’m even here right now, can’t believe this is how she breaks up with me” you fake a sad sign, shaking your head at him causing him to chuckle at your attitude.

quickly going around the counter to help jesse clean up for his shift you started by wiping down the tables, the bell to the door chimes, leaving the rag and spray bottle on the dirty table, you saw abby. “hey doctor” you walked back to the register, throwing the latex gloves in the trash, giving her a smile. “hey sweetheart” the nickname giving you a tingly feeling in your stomach.

“the usual? and why so late?” you started with brewing the coffee “night shift and can you make that 4 please, my co-workers need it too” she sighed giving you the sweetest smile.

i want you to fuc-

nodding at her request you grabbed a couple more cups and a cup holder “so as a doctor do you get like any days off? it seems so like exhausting” you tilted your head looking at her “well, because i am a very needed doctor in the field i get at least a month or two off for vacation but on my days off i need to have my pager on me always” she shows you the little black box on her pocket.

you feel jesse “accidentally” bump into you with a sorry ass apologize and a cough, giving to the look. “so um, i was wondering if i could like maybe get your number?” you held your breath, fiddling with your fingers only giving her minimal eye contact. abby pulls her phone out, handing it over to you “why not” she maintains her eye contact.

quickly adding your contact in her phone you gave it back to her, giving yourself a fist bump in your head “you know like incase i have a heart attack or something and need to call for help” you joked biting the inside of your cheek out of a nervous habit “i hope you never have a heart attack sweet thing and i really hope you call the ambulance first” she laughed.

giving her the coffees you gave her a small bye “i’ll text you on my break, if you’re awake by then?” she gave you a flashing smile before walking out.

“holy shit! you got her number” jesse patted your back “holy fucking shit! i like almost shit myself, im gonna pass out” you inhaled deeply after holding your breath for so long “can i be the maid of honor” he wiggled his brows at you with a stupid smirk on his face “you can sit in the back with the grass.”

—

getting out the shower you started getting ready for bed, not to sleep cause tomorrow is your day off but you wanted to just chill and watch the vampire diaries.

buzz buzz

grabbing your phone you see a number text, your heart racing knowing it’s literally the love of your life texting.

—

Hello, it’s Abby from the coffee shop.

omg hey! didnt think u would text me

Of course I would, why wouldn’t I?

i mean, you are a busy heart doctor so i assumed you would be too busy 😭

Why are you crying?

crying? no abs it’s supposed to be me laughing LOL

Oh, well I still have a lot to learn.

you’re literally adorable, are you off tomorrow?

During the day, yes, but I have another night shift. Why?

do you maybe want to go out for lunch or something?

Of course, I would love to.

What time and which restaurant?

you can pick that for us, im down for anything :)

How about 12pm at Vue Rooftop?

oh that sounds fancy and i probably can’t afford it 🥲

Sweetheart, who said you were going to pay for anything in the first place? It’s my treat.

no, i cant let you pay for me thats not fair on you

It’s a date Y/n, I’ll see you tomorrow. I have to get back to work now, Goodnight beautiful.

AUTHORS NOTE: yeah i have adhd and i am making part 3 already … EHEHEHEH

[shradsmanifestt]

hi, im sorry for bothering u right now. ive been asking around for advice everywhere because i really need all the help i could use right now. my anxiety is flaring up like crazy because my results come out tomorrow and im so scared because if i mess this up then my future is ruined. my mental health has been horrible and that has severely affected my grades but in most asian countries they dgaf about that and basically think it's nonexistant for minors so ofc i'm still undiagnosed, and if i were to apply to a uni i wouldnt get any good chances anywhere. if i could just get 3 Bs in my AS levels it would be okay or else i'd have to retake it and it's super costly here.. i don't wanna put my family through that because they'll talk me down, degrade me, destroy my self esteem which i've managed to build back a little. they were like this since when i was the topper and thats what made me burnout. undiagnosed adhd, trauma, depression also contributed to it

im applying the law, but instead of the feeling of success that everyone else gets i feel panicked. the 'feeling' people usually get when they're in the wish fulfilled state, the feeling of accepting it and it being real—im not getting that. i dont see a clear picture when i visualize. every time i try to, i end up breaking down and feeling like a failure... but I'm still trying to go on because why is it that the people who hurt me and practically ruined my life get to live successfully, while i suffer? thats not fair... i promised myself that if i could just get 3 Bs, ill turn my life around and work really hard... but is it over for me? i want to win, im trying to, but im scared

im trying my best to visualize myself getting 3 Bs, reenacting my friends faces when i get the results, praying to God and thanking Him for blessing me and continuing to bless me, but there is this fear still lingering at the back of my mind... i feel like I'm not doing it right. i have like one day left and I'm so nervous. im going over posts, tweets, and every time I feel a little better, it all comes crashing down because of doubts. theres only one thing one my mind right now: 'how am I gonna turn it around in one day?' i know that the 3D does not matter and that everything is done in imagination, but here i feel like its not done in imagination either

right now nothings clicking in my head, whatever i read is getting scrambled in my mind, i feel so lost and empty. could u please tell me what to do in this specific situation? u can be as harsh as you want if that's what's needed to get the point across. im really sorry for the bother and id be really grateful if u could please help out, ive never been this desperate before... my life cant be over before it even started

Hey love,

I get you, I really do but trust me when I say this.

THIS SHIT IS REAL AF. Manifestation is real af. It's as real as the fact that you are a human being. All you have to do is trust yourself that it is already done. If good results is what you want then that is exactly what you'll get. You need to choose to stop having doubts because it is already done. That is the simplest answer I can give you. Persist on what you want.

I am glad to tell you this but I just got test results for a major exam held in my uni today and I got into the 95th percentile just by saying to myself that my super power is aptitude tests and that I already scored great. In my friends group only 3 of us were eligible and I have 70+ more marks then them as well. If I can do it, you can do it. You need to stop doubting yourself. Atleast stop doubting manifestation. Cause at this point you're only gonna manifest your doubts.

I'll give you a scenario - If you're worried about getting bad grades, Trust me when I say this you're gonna manifest exactly that coz you will manifest exactly what you assume. You can choose to stop that right here, RN. Choose to accept that you got great marks. I mean don't even like aim for B's go for A's. I don't care even if you left the paper blank coz if you assume you're the topper, that is exactly what's gonna happen.

If you do get bad marks and I'm gonna be harsh here - You're the only reason why! You're gonna manifest exactly what you assume to be true even if it's good or bad. Your sc mind don't differentiate btw what's good for you or what's bad for you. It only knows what you feed it.

You got this, TRUST ME

Love, Shrads.

[chaenniz]

cookie - pham hanni x reader

A/N ;; felt the urge to write this fic bc of this lol,, i'll try to finish reqs once im done w school stuff ‼️‼️

genre ;; fluff

wc ;; 2.2k

day after day you’d find that there would be a sweet surprise waiting for you in your locker before first period, cookies.

today was no different, you opened your locker to find the familiar sight of round chocolate-chip cookies in a clear bag and wrapped with a light blue star-patterned ribbon sitting in the cubbyhole your locker had.

you reached for the small folded sticky note that always accompanied the gift.

‘i tried making the cookies softer this time! hopefully these give you a boost of energy throughout the day! - your secret admirer <3’

you smiled softly to yourself, chuckling. you already knew who had been sending you all these cookies and notes, in fact you figured it out the next day after the first time you received the sugary treats in your locker.

being hanni’s childhood friend and best friend meant that you could read her like a book. this was especially apparent when you noticed how much her writing resembled the note’s writing in your hand.

you jolted awake from your nap in the library as you felt a hand smack against your shoulder, accompanied soon after with a high-pitched voice.

"do you really have to abuse my shoulder each time you see me, hanni? you groan. "i swear, i'm gonna get uneven shoulders by the time we graduate"

hanni playfully rolls her eyes at you, ""i didn't even hit you that hard, you big baby." she grabs your wrist, "now hurry up and get your stuff, the others are waiting for us."

"yeah, yeah. i got it" you reply sleepily, gathering your things. this had always been your routine. you'd pay back some of your sleep debt in the library just before lunch period until hanni came to wake you from your sleep.

haphazardly stuffing your schoolwork into your bag, you deemed everything packed and ready to go. giving a thumbs up to hanni, she takes the lead as she heads towards where the other four girls were.

finally reaching the rooftop of the school, you laid your bag down tiredly. the girls look at your direction and giggle at your exhaustion.

"we come up here everyday, y/n. how are you not used to it yet?" minji asks as she moves your bag towards the rest of their belongings.

you just shrug, not really knowing the answer yourself, you weren't the most athletic student, but you certainly weren't lazy either. you take a seat in between haerin and hanni.

“so, are we still going to hanni’s tomorrow for the sleepover?” danielle asks. nods and hums of approval came as a response to the question.

right, it’s been a little over a month since your monthly sleepover with the girls. you and your friends always slept over at each other’s houses every month, it seems this month you’d all be staying at the pham residence.

you turn to face hanni, “does mrs. pham know we’re coming over?” your face much closer to hers than you had intended, startling the both of you. the other girls just snickered at your flustered states.

hanni breaks her eye contact with you, suddenly finding that the shapes of the clouds in the skies much more interesting. “erm- yeah. she says she’s excited to have you- all of you guys over.”

hyein raises a brow at this, a small playful smirk appearing on her face seconds later. “did my ears deceive me or did you say something else at first?”

hanni denied vehemently at hyein’s playful remark, the other girls soon joining in and ganging up on the vietnamese girl. you smile at the sight of your friends playful teasing.

that is, until haerin nudges you with her elbow harder than she’d intended to. you let out a small groan, turning towards the cat-eyed girl, “am i just today’s punching bag or what?”

haerin waves her hands up in apology, laughing, “sorry, sorry- look i just wanted to ask how long you’re gonna make hanni keep doing this.” she says in a hushed manner.

your lips curl upwards in amusement, “i have no idea what you’re talking about, haerin.”

she sends you a dumbfounded look, the smirk on your face unwavering. “i know you figured it out already so why not just confess? i see how you look at her.”

that comment made you double back. sure, hanni was a bit obvious with her slight crush on you, but you didn’t realize others could see your growing infatuation as well.

you throw your head back, “soon ‘rin, i’m just waiting for the perfect time.” it wasn’t a lie, you wanted yours and hanni’s confession to be special, and confessing anywhere around or in the school just didn’t meet your expectations.

unknown to you and haerin though, a certain 5’4 vietnamese girl was looking at the interaction you two had, deeming your closeness as anything but platonic.

you arrive at school the next day expecting to see round, sugary delicacies waiting for you in your locker. however, today seemed to be a different case.

your locker was completely empty, save for the few textbooks and polaroid pictures of you and the other girls that you put up.

you dejected a bit at the thought of hanni no longer giving you her ‘secret admirer’ cookies, but you shook it off, thinking maybe that she was just busy today.

it was now lunch period and you were waiting around like a lost puppy for hanni to come and pick you up. you didn’t fall asleep in the library this time since you couldn’t help but overthink about the cookie situation this morning.

a thud sounded onto the table, snapping you out of your thoughts, you look up to find haerin instead.

you tilt your head in confusion, why was haerin picking you up instead of hanni?

haerin notices your confused demeanor, “hanni asked me to pick you up.”

“thank you, is hanni busy?” you question.

haerin shrugs and you take that as your cue to get up and pack.

as if the entire first half of your day wasn’t weird enough, lunch was definitely the cherry on top. every time you tried to initiate some sort of interaction with hanni, she’d just awkwardly reply with a one-word answer or nod.

the girls definitely noticed the weird tension between you two, and just hoped that this doesn’t affect the sleepover that was going to happen later today.

you arrived at hanni’s address with danielle and haerin. as you step out of your car, you see minji’s car parked not too far from yours, meaning that the other three girls were inside already.

danielle rang the doorbell, the sound of footsteps slowly getting louder. as. the door opened to reveal hanni herself. she greeted you guys and ushered the three of you inside.

“where’s minji and hyein? and mrs. pham?” haerin asks, taking her shoes off.

“they’re just in the living room, we were waiting for you guys.” hanni answers, leaning against the wall of her hallway. “oh, and my parents aren’t here right now because of a sudden business trip, they really wanted to see you guys though.”

the three of you finished taking off your shoes, now placing it neatly against the others for an organized look.

“sorry if we were a bit late, we decided to go get some snacks for the sleepover” danielle grins as she holds up the bag filled with chips, soda, and candy.

hanni waves her hand dismissively and grins, “thank you, and you guys aren’t even close to late so don’t worry about it.”

hanni leads you three to the living room. where you see minji and hyein lounging on the couch, both deeply immersed in the k-drama that was playing as if their lives depended on it.

you let out a snicker at the sight, causing minji and hyein to turn towards you guys.

“you guys are here!” hyein squeals, “we can get started now!”

it made you happy to see the younger girl so excited to spend time with her unnies.

danielle set down the bag of snacks for everyone to see, “we got snacks as well, but we’re still going to bake and cook later right?”

a mixture of nods, hums, and yes’s of approval came from the six of you.

“well, let’s get started with a movie then?” hanni asks.

“just after this episode, hanni-unnie!” hyein objects, which caused the six of you laugh.

it was nearing 7 p.m. and the girls decided that it would be best if they started on the cooking and baking now.

you all decided on making bibimbap as your main course, and cookies as a dessert since they were easy to make. there would also be two groups: the bibimbap team, and the cookie team.

you expected an even split between the two groups, since there was six people. however, hyein was insistent that the groups were 4:2, saying that bibimbap is harder to make than cookies.

“we’ll let you guys go first, just so we don’t have to wait for the actual cookies to bake.” minji says before hurrying the other girls out of the kitchen.

that's how you and hanni ended up making cookies alone, but you swear that the other girls had mischief on their mind when they put the groups together.

“let’s get started?” you ask hanni, she only nods in response.

hanni was in charge of the wet ingredients, while you with the dry ingredients. the entire time you two were making the cookie dough, it was dead silent, except for when you’d ask the occasional question here and there, to which hanni replied with full answers.

“can you go grab the chocolate-chip cookies in the pantry?” hanni broke the silence, asking you instead since she was preoccupied with mixing the batter.

you did as you were asked. you looked around the pantry for the chocolate-chip cookies hanni requested, your eyes locking on to a familiar light blue star-patterned ribbon instead.

your lips curl upwards as you grab the ribbon, soon after finding the item hanni requested.

“so, you were my secret admirer this entire time?” you ask, grinning.

you set the two items in front of hanni, causing her to look up at you in slight terror.

hanni stops mixing, tilting her head down to the batter while sighing softly. “yes.. but it’s ok! i know you and haerin have something going on, i don’t wanna intrude-”

you cut hanni off immediately as she said that, “there’s nothing between me and haerin.”

hanni looks up at you again with wide eyes, “but i thought?”

your familiar eye smile graces your face, “no, i like you too, hanni. and i sort of knew you were my secret admirer since the beginning”

hanni’s eyes get impossibly bigger, “you do? and you knew?”

“i do,” you sigh out chuckling, “i was going to confess to you this weekend, but any later and i was scared you were going to ignore me.”

"it also isn't that hard to tell your handwriting apart, hanni." you add on.

hanni malfunctions for a good several seconds. y/n, her long-time best friend and the person she’s been crushing on for a year now, just confessed that she liked her back.

“erm- hanni?” you call for her name, causing her to come back to reality.

“y-yes?” hanni stutters a little.

you begin to fidget with the ribbon in your hands, “i know this isn’t the best way to ask you out, but i have to do it now or i might never get the confidence to do it again..”

you take a deep breath, “pham hanni, will you let me be your girlfriend?” you ask with a hopeful smile.

hanni doesn’t know how long she’s been waiting to hear those words. she gives you a smile that reaches her eyes in return, “of course i’ll let you be my girlfriend.”

you try to initiate the kiss first, but hanni beats you to it. she gives you a soft, chaste kiss on the lips, one that you happily return.

“usually i don’t let anybody kiss me until a few dates in, but i’ll make an exception for you” hanni teases as she pulls away.

you grin back at her, kissing her forehead. “i guess i’m really lucky then, huh?”

you and hanni hear a creak, causing the two of you to face the doorway into the kitchen.

there revealed the other four who have been spying on the two of you for god knows how long.

“how long have you guys been there?” you ask, a little dumbfounded at your friends.

“not too long, don’t worry” minji replies, a smirk on her face.

“we’ll get going now, we just wanted to check in.” danielle follows up after, leading the quartet back into the living room.

“you two better pay up! me and minji-unnie won that bet fair and square” hyein grins.

danielle sighs, pulling out a 5000 won bill from her wallet, “i’m happy for them, but i didn’t think y/n would confess today of all days.”

haerin pulls out a 5000 won bill as well, “she said something about waiting for the perfect time and making it special, i guess this was unique in its own way.”

“you two just needed more faith in y/n” minji smirks, taking two 5000 won bills and giving one to hyein.

a/n ;; wrote this one sitting and it’s not proofread, sorry for any grammatical errors or inconsistencies in the writing!

[idkfnok]

11:11: Let Me Show You (p2)

Main Characters: Jehraye "Jay" Guidry; Alani "Lan" Sanders

A real slow-burn

PT 1

I  get back home to Georgia after 11p.m. I lowkey wanted to call Jehraye, but I figured he would’ve been asleep. I get in my car and drive, I loved going back to N.O. but, I did miss downtown Augusta. It’s similar to a lot of places but, still aint nothing like it. I get home, take my bags up to my apartment, take a shower, reheat that white chicken chili I had left, I ate and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning around 10, with A missed call from My mama. I know she’s calling to ask about New Orleans. I made a mental note to call her later. I brush my teeth and get dressed before heading over to the Tattoo shop that Nya owns and doing a little voluntary receptionist work for awhile. I love coming to her shop. Because not only did I get free reign to the little snack bar she had. I  got to interact with some cool ass people too. Nya’s a traditional tattoo artist. The people in her shop though, were cartoonist and realist, shit, she even had a traditional stick -and - poke artist too. Dymo, the Realist, actually did the portrait of my great grandma I got  three years ago after she passed. All of their work was top-notch. Nya wouldn’t stand for anything else. Which showed, not only in her work, but that of the one’s she hired too.

 She was always playing music too. It jumped all over the place. She went from indie artists like music by this  dude named Money from Atlanta, Russ to Rodwave, Kodak black, Jacob banks, King von, Kirk franklin to Gallant and Marco Mckinnis ; all the way to Panic at the Disco and all things in between.Crazy enough, the dude “Money” is one of her  best friends.   Her only preference in most aspects of her life  was “I like it.” Music was no different.  Mari Walked in at about 11:30. I knew then, my voluntary duties were done. I got up from the desk, hugged Mari, yelled that I was leaving and made my way out of the shop and to the Mall so I can go stare at the back of Spencer’s and ponder not buying shit before I made my way to Victoria’s secret and sniffed around for perfume to buy at their semi annual sale. I picked up the Rainbow Shower, Desert Sky and Cactus Water. 

What does the schedule look like for the rest of the day?

“Consultation at 11: 45, Surgery at 12:30 , then lunch ;  You’re  tightening Miah’s braces, check the schedule for tomorrow and we should both  be outta here by 4. 

Cool.”

“ So how was your wednesday?”

It was good, why you ask?

“Jaelai told me you went on a date or something yesterday morning.”

Tell yo wife to mind her business.

“My wife, yo sister.”

I bet she the one who sent Toni ass to my table.

“Nooooo. What she say?”

She was chill until I give her the tip, then she talmbout “Make sure you get yo child”

“No she didn’t”

The hell if she didn’t!  had my date looking at me funny

“😂”

That shit ain’t funny. Im tryna support her and she throwing salt in the game 😂

“Toni was always fucking with you. She’s been doing it as long as she’s been with Kieran 

I know. But, damn if she don’t do it at the worst times.

 “Well you got the crybaby today so, be prepared.”

She never cried with me.I don’t know what you be doing to my niece but she don’t like it 

“I’m her daddie.”

Maybe it’s because you white.

“I have been white her whole life.”

Ion know maybe she just like me better.

“ Yeah because you always give her what she want.”

She ten , why not?

“I feel sorry for any  man who dates any of your daughters.”

Why you say that?

“Cause her like whoever her mama gonna be, is gonna be spoiled to hell. Cause you brother, are a Hopeless Romantic with a damn good job and a real love of women.”

Always. Speaking of  romance, you just reminded me that I gotta call Lan once I get off.

The rest of the day went by smooth. The consultation led to another appointment next month for braces, I tightened my nieces braces and The surgery; started and finished quicker than I expected. I was outta the office by 4: 15 . I got in my car and called Alani.

“Hello.”

Hey gorgeous, how you doing?

“I’m doing aight”

That’s good. , how has your day been? Give me details please

“It was pretty good. I woke up, ate, brushed my teeth, got dressed and I went to Nya’s shop.”

Which one of your friends was Nya again?

“The one who had on the red bodycon dress.”

Okay

“ Yeah she’s a tattoo artist. I go to her shop sometimes to help and steal snacks.”

Uh huh

“ Talked to some customers and chilled until Mari got there.”

That’s the one with the red hair?

“Yep.”

Before you continue. Speaking of jobs, what do you do?

“I’m a doula. 

Oh Okay, I’m a Orthodontist.

“ At 28?!”

Yes, I have been for like a year, almost two.  Anyway, continue on.

“I left the shop, went to the mall and called my mama back after I left Victoria’s Secret, and i’ve been home for a few hours. 

Foreal? Cool, i'm bout to Facetime you. 

I press the camera icon and wait for her to answer. When she does, the first thing I notice is how shiny her lips are. She has this 90’s lip combo. You know the one with the 5% tint around the edges and it looks amazing on her. I compliment her and our conversation continues. She tells me that she is a birth doula and some of what that entails. I ain’t ever see anybody give birth but, the way she describes it makes it sound like one of the scariest and most beautiful things ever. Most of her clients are Black women, second time moms who have had terrible experiences in the hospital. From women almost dying because nurses and doctors try to write their pain off as “normal” shit.  

If the person dealing with this is telling you that they can’t breathe, they have a splitting headache or can’t feel their legs long after the epidural should’ve worn off, you should listen. Hearing her recount some of these stories pissed me off. You shouldn’t fear for your or child’s  life coming into the hospital.  I learned some things like water births are really popular and are often more relaxing for the mother. That tidbit of information I tucked into my back pocket. 

We talked about the time my tooth went through the bottom of my lip and left a scar when I was a kid, my first sexual experience at 14 that involved licking whipped cream off of some pussy once or twice. She told me about the time she ran head first into a brick wall when she was 8 and how she snorted salt up her nose when she was 13 because she “wanted to see what  it felt like if she ever snorted powder.”  on some wild shit. I was really enjoying the conversation. So much so, that I hadn’t realized I was home, sitting in my car for the past five hours. I looked at the time on my  phone and it was 9:40 and I needed to get in the house so that I could shower, eat and go to bed. 

Things continued that way for a few more days. Us updating one another throughout the day, nightly phone calls, early morning voice messages. Sending badly angled and funny looking pictures of each other from facetime calls. I've watched her get dressed and she’s watched me get undressed. We’ve fallen asleep on the phone only to wake up and one of us has hung up. And it’s usually her.  We’ve given one another recipes. Her recipe for brown butter chocolate chip pecan cookies is top tier and she  gave me  a lot of praise on my five cheese macaroni.  Before I knew it,  the Thursday of our date had shown up. I woke up that morning to the reminder and was hella excited. I had been thinking about what to cook for two days now and I decided on Smothered Okra with shrimp and tomatoes over rice. I called her, told her what I had in mind; she said it sounded good and she was going to cook the same; but add chicken to it. 

We Facetimed each other while shopping for food. I helped her pick out the proper seasonings and ingredients needed for the dish and advised her to pick up a bag of  Basmati rice instead of “regular” rice.  I picked up cut okra while she wanted the whole Okra.I grabbed a bottle of wine and she passed on that. We went back to our houses and started preparing the meal. I ain't feel like chopping onions, so I bought the pre-cut ones. She was all about the full process. She chopped her onions, peppers and all while I watched as she struggled to cut some of ‘em because she don’t know how to properly handle a knife. She more than proved my point when she sliced her damned finger, dropped the knife and probably almost cut her foot too.

Baby, be careful, please!

“I’m fine Jehraye, it’s just a little cut. The knife ain’t that sharp”

And that’s probably the problem Lan. Get you some better knives Bae. 

“My knives work just fine.”

No they do not, clearly. You were struggling to cut the bell pepper.

“That’s because I don’t know how to cut shit.”

Aight, so you got one option, start buying pre-cut vegetables.

“I will not.”

Then I suggest you get on youtube and learn how to use knives because I'mma order you some new ones.

“Jay-”

No, bae you don’t wanna use pre- cut stuff, I'm getting you new knives. So go ‘head and give me A FedEx drop off, P.O. box, your address or something. 

“How about this-”

If ain’t no solution in this baby, don’t even say nothing.

“How about when you come visit me, we can look at  knives together.”

 Aight that sounds- wait! You gonna let me come see you?!

“Yes sir. Just not until the end of the month.”

Baaaaaabbbbbbyyyy, that’s like 3 weeks away.

“You’ll be fine.”

Nuh uh…. My doctor said if I don’t see you in two weeks imma die.

“Ohhh you so dramatic 😂 yo ass is not gonna die.”

When I am touch deprived for a long time, I start to waste away into a pile of dirt.

“I can’t with you. Jehraye Guidry, you are something else.”

We talk while finishing up the food and once she turns her smothered Okra and shrimp down she announces that she’s about to get in the shower so she can get dressed and the rest of our date can continue. We hang up and about 35 minutes later she’s calling me while she finishes up the rest of her routine. I don't mind because I am also on the tail end of finishing up my hair. I choose to go with a braid out because I know she’s wanted to see my hair. She calls back when I am almost done taking out my last braid. She’s putting on lipgloss and perfume. When she looks at the camera, she gasps and says “Your hair!”

Yeah. you said you wanted to see it out so, I decided to wear it out.

“You look so cute. Now I really wanna play in it.”

Well, when I come to see you; you can play in it for a few minutes

“Why only a few minutes?”

You think Imma come to Augusta and just sit around? We gotta order  knives and I wanna go to the mellow mushroom. You said it was a cool bar and I wanna see a lil bit of  your city.

“But what if I wanna just lay up with you and play in your hair?”

We can do that. But, you already told me that you like rubbing on folks and I like being rubbed on. That goes on for too long, We might end up in a few more positions than you intended , and you gon be doing a hell of a lot more than playing in my hair.

“ I’m down for wherever that leads us.”

Alani

“Jehraye”

Let me be clear, you rubbing on me…we fucking.

“I understand what you’re saying.”

Yeah, but are you okay with that happening?

“Yes, I want it to.”

Aight. Listen, I've been waiting for this.

“What do you mean?”

I purposefully ain’t been jacking off for about a week.”

“Okay.”

And imma hold off until I get to you.

“Oohhhhh”

Yeah so, you better be prepared.

“I hear you.”

We sit down at our tables and begin eating.  I wait to see her take her first bite.  I wanted her to like it because the recipe I gave her is truly my own and I wanted to know if she fucked with it. The way my eyes lit up when I saw  hers damn near bulge out of her head; the only way I coulda been any happier in that moment was if she and I were sitting in front of each other. I spooned  some of the food into my mouth as she moaned satisfactorily at the first taste of my food, she had no idea she was eating.  After telling her that I couldn't wait to see her, our conversation took a very sexual turn as we discussed some of the things we were and weren’t willing to do.

“How do you feel about aftercare?”

I rarely ever do it, but the times I have; i’ve enjoyed it.

“Why don’t you do it more?”

My goal is to satisfy the woman and myself, if that puts her to sleep; so be it.

“So aint nobody ever put you to sleep?”

Some have. 

“Well, I expect aftercare.”

And you gon get it, if you aint sleep.

So what’s your views on sucking dick?

“I like it. I only do it like a spur of the moment thing. I don’t plan it.”

Okay. I like kissing.That’s before, definitely during and after sex.

“Me too.”’

 Aight so, how would you feel if I wanted to eat yo ass?

“That’s a “no”.”

How come?

“I like to kiss, eating ass and kissing don’t usually go hand-in-hand.”

Gotcha 

You can bite and choke me though

“For real?”

Yes, Guidry. I’m cool with that; spanking, and to some degree, restraint.

“Oh baby, you gonna have the time of your life.”

And another thing.

“Yes?”

I am loud, and it ain’t always cute, especially if i’m enjoying it.

“Bae, I’m trying to put you in a position where you NEED aftercare. I don’t expect it to be cute.”

Speaking of, what is a typical aftercare routine for you?

“ simple shit.Take you to the toilet, sit with you while you pee.  Run you a shower, help clean you up. I’ll carry you if I have to. I’m a cuddler so, after I feel like you’re situated, I’ll clean up and cuddle you for a while. I might fall asleep, if I don’t within the hour; you can expect waffles to be made. But that is the least I would do.”

I want somewhere closer to the most you can do.

“Then you can’t fall asleep or I can do some of it during or before we fuck.”

Okay , I'm cool with that.

I’ll be honest, having this conversation with him right now, was definitely making me horny and in times like this, I am very grateful that I was born a woman. I have no doubt in my mind that if we were next to each other right now, he would be able to smell how badly I wanted to fuck him.  Just thinking about it, my thighs clenched together and I felt that familiar tingle in my stomach. He didn’t help any with his hair falling into his face, licking his lips and kissing at me. The rest of that date, I was going back and forth with mindfulness and imagining what he would feel like inside of me. What his tongue and fingers felt like. What he sounds like when he moans, is he a hard or soft dom. What does he say, if anything while he’s having sex. Just then, I decided to ask. 

Jehraye.

“Yes, ma’am”

Do you talk during sex?

“Yes, I do. I talk, moan, cuss, I might say something in french.

You speak French?

A little, 

“Oh okay. I might make it my goal to hear some of that from you.

“ You get some French outta me, we locked in. the last person I did that with, we was together for 3 years.”

That ain’t THAT long .

“When you 17, yes it is.”

Fair point.

I don’t know why I decided to ask him that knowing it would lead me directly out of mindfulness and into fantasy land. I was still eating and talking but I wasn’t at this date. I was in my bed with this guy I just met three weeks ago, with my face buried into a pillow while he fucked me as I screamed his name in pure ecstasy. Jay must have noticed because when he finally got my attention back he said “ I’m thinking about it too and  I’m bricked the fuck up, baby.”  “Jaaayyy” his name comes out way more lust-filled than I intended.“ When I get ahold of you, you’ll know I meant what I said on our first date at Nana’s.” He says. “ All I ask is that you don’t run from me. If you need me to slow down or stop, that’s fine. But DO NOT RUN.” “Why not?” I ask. “ It aggravates me and I'm gonna want to punish you for it.” “How come?” “ cause if we fucking, you wanted this dick. So,  unless you say “stop” or I feel like I'm hurting you, you taking EVERY inch I got.” “Damn, It’s like that Jay 🙃?” I say. He comes back with “Ion get in no pussy I don’t wanna be in.”

At that moment,  I wanted this man more than I have the past few weeks. We talked some more about our personal “Do’s and Don'ts” of sex, and by the time this date was over, Jay had put his hair back up, I was wishing that I wore underwear.  Maybe it was best that I didn’t. I’m not a fan of that cold shit  hitting my pussy when I pull my underwear back up.  Our date continues on and we finish our food. We stay on facetime for the rest of the night, of course we fell asleep on the phone. This time though I didn’t hang up and awoke to see Jay getting dressed. I watched him for a few minutes before saying “Good morning.” He looked at the camera and said “good morning bae.” 

Uh uh, where you going?

“ 🙂I’m taking my nieces out for a lil bit of fun today.”

awwwww , what are ya’ll gonna do?

“They wanna go to the trampoline park and the movies.”

Okay, what are ya’ll gonna watch?

“They wanna see Tiana's Place”

Oh okay, I saw a few commercials for that.

“yeah”

Why y'all leaving so early though?

“So I can catch the matinee, These girls are pricey.”

You shouldn’t be worried about that.

“What you mean?”

The way you did and were willing to spend on me in Nola…

“Yea, now Imagine that on a slightly smaller scale, times three.”

Yep. Baby catch that matinee 

Exactly 😂that, on top of gas and feeding them whatever they wanna eat when one of em, wants crumbl cookie and  subway; the other one gonna want wendy’s but, a blizzard from sonic and the baby, she aint eating nothing that ain’t a 6pce nugget happy meal with apple slices and a mcflurry wit extra oreos. 

Ohhh with the way you spend money, you must be a damn popular Dentist.

“I make good money but I also have a roommate so I can save a bit more.”

Oh okay. Good Well, Imma let you go so you can enjoy your day with your nieces.

“Aht aht.”

What?

“When did we start hanging up without kisses?”

I blow a kiss at the phone and Jay says “Thank you” and hangs up. 

My Friday was pretty laid back. Until it wasn’t. My client went into an early labor, so I turned off Law & Order and made my way to North Augusta. When I got there I was the only part of her birthing team present. Because she hadn’t called anyone else yet. She’s one of the patients I offer free advice and to some degree birthing services to, as part of my program where I help young single mothers cope with, prepare for  and assist during birth. Despite this being her second time giving birth, she was terrified. I could see it in her eyes. She feared the pain, the uncertainty and a second breech birth. About five minutes after I got there we made calls to the rest of her birthing team, and set up the pool. 

We sat her in it and talked through the contractions and tried to keep her calm until it was time for her to push.  I held her hand, and fed her some strawberries and ice chips while she focused on breathing and pushing. About 3 hours later Her son had started to crown. When we told her, she started crying. This baby wasn’t breech and maybe this labor would be easier. Forty-five minutes after that baby  Eanion Ahzi  Rivers was born. He was so adorable.  We got him cleaned up and I stayed for a few hours after and took care of the baby while she rested.   I Picked my phone up and saw I had 2 missed calls from Jay. Eanion’s mama was a wake so I stepped out to return bae’s calls.

“You musta been sleep.”

No. I just helped deliver a baby a few hours ago.

“For real! How’d it go? Are mama and the baby okay?”

Yes, She had a little boy.

“Awwww. How are you doing though?”

I’m fine, we were prepared for a breech birth but he came out head first and he is the chubbiest lil thing you ever did see. How was the day with ya nieces?

“ listen, next time, they can’t get the Aux.”

Why?

“I fuck with Gracie’s corner but, I wanna hear some Akeem ali, Russ, D4L, Ludacris or something while i’m driving .”

 Jay, you don’t wanna know what sound the letter makes 😂?

“Hell no, I’m outta school shit 😂”

Well, It seems like you had just as good of a day as I did.

“I did. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews. I’m their favorite uncle.”

I bet you are. You’re definitely one of my favorite people.

“Awwwww, you mean that?”

Yeah.

“Aight, then sit on my face when I get to Augusta.”

JEHRAYE

“ALANI”

GUIDRY

“Quit calling me by my government like that.”

Well what do you want me to call you ?

“Jumbo dick Jay”

OMG you-

“I’m bullshiting. It ain’t that big. It’s just right for the body it's attached to.”

I bet. When are you gonna book your flight?

“Next week.”

Good, that way I can set my schedule up right. How long do you plan on staying?

 “Two days.”

Okay.

“Yeah, clear that schedule.”

I will.

After that she had to go back and attend to her client. I went to hang out with Kieran and Asa. Asa, my best friend since middle school and  the one who leaves me stranded on these road trips is a High School AP Calculus teacher. Kieran, my best friend since junior year of college and now  roommate, is an HR consultant. Asa has always wanted to be a teacher. Despite the pay and us trying to convince him to at least go into the college sector, loves what he does. He had a hard time with math when we were little and it frustrated him so, he decided he was gonna do what he had to. He wanted math to come almost as easy to  him as English and history did, and he made it happen. This nigga is one of the smartest people I know and he deserves every praise he gets. He’s worked hard for it.  Kieran on the other hand, Is married; well was married to Toni and they have a 4 year old son together. My Godson Kieran Jamez “KJ” Landry Jr. He always had a thing for Toni so, when they started dating, she became his girlfriend and I became both of their friends and  the third wheel. And despite going through a divorce; which I think is stupid because they clearly still love and want each other; these motherfuckas are hard headed and are hurting because  they tryna teach eachother lessons.  But I can’t force them together.  Me and the guys hang out for a few hours and then we head to our respective homes. I get in, Call Alani, we talk for awhile and I go to sleep.

PT 1

[scattered-winter]

tagged by @soleadita im kissing u on the cheek like a mob boss

top 15 tv shows in no particular order !!

911 on abc (found family. whump. angst. absolute batshit insane shenanigans. jennifer love hewitt and angela bassett. ryan guzman getting blood all over him on multiple occasions. what's not to love)

gen:LOCK (season 1 only) (there is no season 2 in ba sing se) (found family and robots and cool animation and cool music and found family and coolest fucking dichotomy between hero and villain and and and)

rwby (the WORLDBUILDING. the WRITING. the CHARACTERS. the WEAPONS. GENUINELY IT GOES SOOO SO SO CRAZY.)

the bear (im not done with it yet and lack of actual real bears ASIDE. this show is so so beautiful and masterfully done. im literally obsessed)

supernatural (UNFORTUNATELY some of the episodes do kinda go hard.)

daredevil (the CINEMATOGRAPHY the DEPRESSED BLOODIED CATHOLIC BOY the INSANE WOMEN the JOHN PAESANO SOUNDTRACK truly this show is unmatched)

zoo netflix. (is it GOOD? no. but it is very fun and involves found family living on a plane solving mysteries and trying to stop the apocalypse so truly. does it even NEED to be good)

agents of shield (again i havent finished it but ouhghgoughhghh......found family.....whump.....literally this show was GAME CHANGING for me. i would not be the whump enjoyer i am today if it weren't for the scene where daisy gets shot point blank and lovingly lowered to the ground by the man who shot her. truly. also huge fan of the asian american female lead who is a complex multifaceted character. love her.)

dc's legends of tomorrow (THEEE goofysilly funtimes show of the century. queer found family superheroes who live on a time traveling spaceship and try to protect the timestream from anomalies. they are very, very bad at their job. a zombie apocalypse breaks out in the middle of the american civil war. a giant fluffy teddy bear named beebo fistfights an ancient time demon. they have to save college student barack obama from gorilla grodd. a unicorn bites one of the character's nipples off. truly the most show ever. perhaps of all time.)

kingdom (netflix) (kdrama) (GENUINELY the best zombie media i have ever seen in my life. barring train to busan maybe. the costume design is gorgeous and the camerawork is gorgeous and the characters are complex and multifaceted and the zombies are fascinating and the entire thing is a commentary on class and poverty. and it's set in medieval korea so they have to fight zombies with SWORDS)

carmen sandiego (fun characters. u learn lots of cool things about lots of cool places. found family. heists. nonexistent romance subplots so it's a HUGE win for the aros. stupid little french detective who wears a banana suit onscreen. et cetera.)

leverage (LITERALLY THE SHOW OF ALL TIME. anti capitalist. found family. heists. the government is a corrupt system that only serves the people in power. christian kane beating people up. multifaceted characters. autistic character that's actually like. presented respectfully. and realistically. alec hardison. insane people.)

avatar the last airbender/legend of korra (they KINDA WENT OFF WITH BENDING.)

arcane (the animation......the tragic sisters.......the music.....)

green lantern the animated series (the animation kinda sucks unfortuantely. however. HOWEVER. it has my boy of all time. with the character arc of all time. and learning how rage and vengeance are harmful to everyone including yourself. and how grief and rage go hand in hand and the only way to heal from it is hope. and and and and and)

leo already tagged the gc so im gonna tag @frigidboy and anyone else who wants to do it :]

[greydiminishing]

1/27

I felt really slow this morning. And not in an easy sunday morning way like yesterday. Idk, i woke up in that way where you're kind of confused. I had to push myself to follow my morning "routine" (quotations because i try my best to regularly do the same things efficiently in order every morning but actually following it is the exception more than the norm. trying to change that.) of going to the bathroom, washing my face and styling my hair, then getting dressed. Then instead of going to do my makeup, i grabbed jar of nuts i bought with my groceries yesterday, sat down and ate half the can! I was really craving them, and i like to think that when i have a craving for a "real" food like nuts (as opposed to like, doritos or popeyes), it means i really need something in them. Maybe the vitamins/nutrients, or the fats, or the fiber, idk, but im not gonna get upset at myself about this, I've been craving nuts for forever. Then i ate an apple, and THEN i did my makeup. I wasn't necessarily tired, but it felt like everything i did took longer this morning. I've been timing myself to try to get my makeup routine to 15 minutes and I've been getting really close recently, but this morning i was only halfway through when my 15 min timer went off? Then i had some cereal and packed my bag, left at 8:30. I have my 9am today, so really i dont have to leave until 8:30 if i want to be *just* on time for class, but I've been wanting to leave at 7:30 so I have time to go over class materials and other stuff for the day, and to get to my preferred seat before its taken.

my brain just felt so slow. I ate some ice cream kinda right before bed last night, im thinking maybe all the sugar before bed did this. like sugar induced brain fog? Ive been getting a lot of videos from that guy that that eats stuff and tracks his glucose. (also: Ben and Jerry's "Everything But The" might be my new favorite. The white chocolate might be the best white chocolate I've ever had)

Even now, i feel slow. my 9am ended at 9:50. I feel like i walked to the library, blinked, and suddenly an hour passed and its time for my 11am.

I recognize that part of the problem is how easy it is to sink hours into scrolling and i need to fix that. But also i wonder if i'd feel better once i eat an actual meal..

I didnt get everything done that i wanted to do yesterday, but enough that im not upset. I scrubbed my bathtub (maybe I'll take a bath later) and i finished most of my cybersecurity assignment due today. In the time between my last class and my next one, i wanted to do the psych quiz due later, but i spent all that time writing this lol. I started yesterday to put my clothes away, but i got carried away trying to make outfits with my wardrobe and new thrifts and then trying to make a thrift haul/outfit inspo tiktok lol. But then it got dark, so I'll try again the next time im home in the afternoon (tomorrow?).

Today i need to finish my csec assignment and do that psych quiz. Then i have to do readings for russain music tomorrow, and go through the week 3 material for csec. I know i have papers for both russain music and psych coming up next week, so i'll start preparing for/writing those, at least an outline, if not the introduction and conclusions w stubbed out paragraphs. I should also watch the last few creative writing lectures and check if there's anything due for those.

As for assignment tracking.. i havent been doing anything with that. I think I'll just manually input all my assignments into google task because i like the way google task is integrated with google calendar so i can just drag and drop tasks onto specific days. I dont wanna drop the assignment tracker completely -its actually an idea I've had for over a year now. But i cant keep freeballing my assignments everyday, and im severely wanting for that dopamine hit of checking off assignments from my to do list.

~~~~~~~~

9 pm

So I only managed to finish the quiz and the assignment due tonight, but at least its all done before 9. I could either prepare for my classes tomorrow and do the required readings and stuff, or I could gonto bed and be well rested. I think not being tired all day will serve me better, I'm going to bed.

[otgwbgyu]

okk gotta keep this going going yeah yeah

January 8, 2024

woke up late lollll at like 6:35 😓 it’s wtv tho i got the job done! 🙏 buttt when i was getting ready i noticed the back of my right knee felt painful… like id stretch the muscle to lean forward while its straightened it’d hurt like i tweaked it. twas a very familiar pain. i was nervous to drive with it but it didn’t hurt a bit. it was killer cold tho i was violently abd i mean VIOLENTLY shaking for the first 5-10 minutes it was brutal. my thigh muscles were contracting so hard i thought i was gonna accidentally jam on the accelerator but i didn’t hehe lucky me

started actually assignments today 😞 have geometry hw but it isn’t due until 8 am and since tomorrow’s a virtual day bc of winter weather im staying up late 😛 i’ll do it later

today was chill tho

oh yk how i mentioned i was nervous abt yet ANOTHER group project in english? bc i have like no friends? 🥲 yeah well guess whattttt 😁😁 like an angel sent from above amy asked me if i wanted to be partners w her in advance 🙏🙏🙏🙏 thank the LORDDDD 🙏🙏 she genuinely seems so cool im so excited id love to get closer to her maybe idk. sorry i just get so excited at the thought of making new friends bc im such a shy person TT

Back to my knee tho if i relapsed my injury from last year im gonna flip. i did PT exercises annually for more than a year just to keep this shit at bay if i have to hobble around with an ace bandage wrapped on my knee for a couple of months again im gonna fucking riot that was the most humiliating shit ever i hated it sm. and is this how it’s gonna be for the rest of my life? am i just gonna be on and off this stupid knee injury depending on how much i work it out? like idk if its normal to have to continuously do PT just to keep pain at bay… like that shit’s for recovery not maintaining a healthy knee for the rest of ur life…. im literally crying over it rn lol kinda out of pain bc i just had a deeeep pop like omg i felt it in my chest it was HOLLOW and it felt good in the moment but ended up causing even more pain than before 😓 idk if sitting criss-cross is the best decision rn but i lowk dgaf it makes me feel secure. im also crying out of fear lol i rlly don’t want this to be a permanent think i hope i just tweaked it (that’s actually very likely tbh) i cant give up pacing its the only thing keeping me sane especially during txt’s hiatus (no shame they deserve this break so damn much) ughhh

i’m so excited for the virtual day tmrw tho ahhhh i always have such bad anxiety over going to school at the beginning of the second semester for some reason like i physically feel ill thinking abt it (only for geometry, english, and biology tbh) i cannot wait for that to pass and regular school anxiety sets in instead 🙏

alrighty goodbye gonna read fanfics indulge in my online shopping addiction and eventually do geometry hw 😛😛

[beatbawksradio]

vent about being the bad guy

i dont ever really want to give anyone the impression that i think im perfect or that im beyond making mistakes or hurting others. having mirror touch synesthesia doesn't make me a saint or a mind reader. i cant predict how someone's going to react to something before they do, i can only understand their reaction after its happened. i think a lot of people get this impression that his hyperaggressive super empathy is supposed to also make me like. absolutely magically perfect when it comes to interacting with others, like bc im a pacfist who cares about how i hurt others, that means that i shouldnt be capable of interacting with people in any sort of hurtful way. and any time i do, then suddenly im not actually the person i say i am, or im just using MTS as a shield from criticism or faking it or whatever. "you shouldve known this would hurt," or "why didnt you think about that before you said/did it". but thats simply not true, and is a gross and ridiculous expectation to put on someone

bc the truth is im just another normal human being, just like everyone else. and i make mistakes just like everyone else. ive honestly said and done some really, really stupid shit in my past that i have no excuse for, but have at least grown from that behavior to know enough to not do it anymore. i havent always been the best at apologizing either, and im trying to do better with that as well. and there have been times when ive just been going through traumatic events that have affected my mood, causing me to be more unstable about my more negative emotions. and sometimes, im simply just callous and thoughtless and say something hurtful without really putting any thought behind how it could be received. it happens

i think its important for everyone to acknowledge that they can fuck up sometimes, no matter how nice of a person they try to be. we all have bad days, we all have bad circumstances that life hits us with, and we all cannot be expected to be perfect 100% of the time. literally everyone has engaged in toxic behavior at some point of their life, and sitting here pretending anyone is 'holier than thou' and has never done any wrong ever is also toxic. maybe the wrongdoing is of different degrees, but everyone has still made mistakes and hurt people in their past. anyone who tries to act like they havent is lying

and sometimes like. youre gonna end up being the bad guy in other people's eyes, too, not just the person you hurt. and thats okay, its good for them to have support when they feel hurt. its good for them to stand up and let you know what youve done. sometimes they might not forgive you, or you might end up being pushed out of friend circles. thats okay too. its important to respect peoples boundaries and their sense of space and safety. yeah its gonna suck ass if things are so bad that people cut you off over it, and yeah its gonna suck if the situation was more complicated than what was told to others

but at the end of the day, the people most important in your life are the ones who are gonna stick with you. theyre the ones who will not only support and forgive you for your shortcomings today, but also want to see you grow into an even better person tomorrow. after all, you can only grow into a better person if you still have people supporting you and helping you heal in the right direction; thats something i have never, ever wanted to take away from someone, no matter how angry ive been at them. i understand just how important it is to have people to talk to, even if i suspect that someone is manipulating their support. that doesnt matter, i cant save anyone from a toxic person's manipulation, and attempting to is a much more toxic move on my part. ive been at the receiving end of smear campaigns far too many times for me to ever want to inflict that kind of isolation and mistrust on another person. loneliness never helped anyone

sometimes, people might just be incompatible with one another. no matter how much we want everything to be a cute happy lil diverse funny group where everyone gets along and forgives one another, sometimes two people just really shouldnt ever be next to each other. you dont need to be friends with every human on the planet to be a good person, its okay to dislike people. sometimes thats bc of their personalities, and sometimes its because of their actions towards yourself or others. disliking or not trusting someone doesnt mean theyre going to be a "bad person" for the rest of their life, unfit for redemption and unfit to ever have any friends ever, it just means youre not compatible to be friends with them and thats okay. i, personally, want the people who have hurt me to find out how to do better on their own and grow as people, both for themself and for those around them, because ultimately i dont want other people to continue getting hurt by them. the only one who can stop that is the person themself; and i also cant be around for that redemption. they can get better, but they can do that away from me, bc im only going to continue hampering their progress and growth. i recognize that it would be the same for the people ive hurt, too. if someone's attitude or behavior just stresses you out, there is literally nothing wrong with simply avoiding that person. just like there would be nothing wrong if someone avoided you for things that are innate aspects of your personality; avoiding someone you dislike is a far, far better option than trying to force a friendship that ends up in a lot of stress or worse

wrapping back around, like... i dont want to ever give the impression that i believe ive never done anything wrong, ever, or that MTS makes me incapable of wrongdoing. i have, i absolutely have. ive been the bad guy to a lot of people in my past, whether justified or not. some of those people might not ever forgive me and thats okay; i dont want to be around someone who ive hurt and whos not able to get past it, bc i know that trying to be around them will only continue to hurt them more. its okay to let people go. and its okay to acknowledge that youve been a 'bad guy,' because it doesnt mean that youre an inherently bad person unworthy of any friendships whos going to keep hurting people forever and ever. acknowledging that youve fucked up is the first step in how you start doing better about it. and you can start doing better literally today, literally right now, you can decide that youre going to change a behavior and be a better person for yourself and those around you. theres nothing like... dishonest or deceptive about changing your attitude or changing your mind about things. its natural, and its what youre supposed to do. change is a good thing. what matters the most is not what youve done in the past, but what youre doing right now, and if youre not hurting anyone anymore in the right now, then thats the accurate reflection of your character, not your worst days. you are who you are today.

turn the page, and dont look back. be better today than you were yesterday

[diamondintherioux]

5/21/24

11wpo

New body, old clothes

I know I said I wouldn’t be updating weekly but I felt like this was important. I went out today in a vintage dress that before couldn’t be zipped up, but now I’m floating around in it. I have soooooo many pieces of clothing I now have to go through. Consignment stores around me suck. Online reselling is a full time job. In my area there are a lot of resellers so fuck them I’m not gonna donate clothes for free so they can get them for penny’s then resell them so I’m stuck (or stubborn.) I now have to try on all my clothes without my faja to see what fits my new body. It’s a champagne problem I know but still.

It’s so crazy how tiny I feel without my faja. This surgery has been life changing.

Everyday is a new day trying to get used to my new body. When I wrote the above I was having a good body day. Today I’m having a bad body day where I feel like my arms are getting flabby….im contacting a personal trainer tomorrow. Group Pilates classes isn’t enough for me. I want private Pilates classes.

I can no longer wear double compression; meaning I can no longer wear a bodysuit shaper with my faja…which is a problem because I hate wearing the faja on my bare skin. I bought 7 different “seamless” tank tops on amazon and they all suck. I really think I have a shirt torso and that’s why none of the tank tops work. First personal training session is on Friday. My last two Lympatic massages are this week. I’m considering getting them done once a week just for drainage purposes but I haven’t decided yet. I’m going to Florida next week so I want to do a cleanse, get a spray tan, pedicure and my hair done. I’ve been taking a break from all beauty treatments and focusing on my healing. I must say I LOVE not having my nails done. I hate getting them done. There’s something hot about being all put together and not having your nails done, not even polish. But Miami is a different beast and you have to look your best.

Wearing a faja is getting on my last nerve. I hate it. It doesn’t help with shaping (your surgeon has to do that) but I will say it helps curb your appetite lol you’re squeezed so tight you don’t want to eat lol that’s why you hear all these girls claiming to wear your faja for a year plus, it’s so you don’t gain too much weight.

All my clothes look so much better on me. 3 months post op I’ll post before and after photos of it. It’s fucking crazy how it looks subtle but it’s actually a big difference when comparing. I think back lipo is the most important thing you should get. That’s what really shapes your body, not your stomach. Now I’m focusing on building muscle because I’ll be wearing low cut dresses all summer

[zekeosorio]

1.28.24

today i have came up with a revelation, i will be distancing myself away from my dad. now of course due to how unstabe he is at the moment, it wont be an immediate thing, ill do it gradually. i am tired of his constant phone calls, mood swings, and overall bad eneergy that stresses me out beyond compare. i just feel very annoyed and upset by the fact that i always have to hear about how he’s “lonely” or he's “gonna go broke” when he literally gets paid by the government $8,000 PER MONTH. but im done, im tired of hearing how miserable his life is when he chooses to make his life miserable by not taking the action and doing what is best for his mental health and well-being because frankly, it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS, and it shouldve have been my business from the very BEGINNING. 

besides that though, i am very excited for tomorrow! me and emilie are gonna go hang out after school and im so happy to see her after what seems like ages. i honestly dont know why, but ever since me and emilie met, we have had this inseparable bond. we always hang out together, always get food together, always do everything together, so much so that people think that we are dating! i just find it funny that me and emilie have had a closer friendship than most childhood friends have. ill let you guys know tomorrow how it goes and i have a big announcement for you all that i think you guys will love. see yall tomorrow

[variousqueerthings]

so 11pm thoughts but ive gotta exorcise them a bit because

I kinda thought ray leaving would be a bit of a one and done, which is a fair enough way to play it, but then they didn't so now im chewing on wholly unexpected material here! much to go over and this won't cover it!

i also didn't expect ray kowalski to be undercover as ray vecchio which is very interesting from an identity perspective (we shall return to that!)

so firstly, i like that it's been done this way. a quick auf wiedersehen would have been less poignant, less interesting for the story, potentially also less in-character for fraser, who is losing his main tie to the city (whom i also previously theorised is the main reason why fraser ended up staying in s2 in the first place, in witness) and youknow. his best and only real friend his entire life aside from diefenbaker

and obviously ray vecchio is haunting the narrative in episodes 1+2. he's got his actual goodbye, which is already super loaded (he's gonna get in touch, we're waiting for him to get in touch!), and then there's the fact that everyone is saying that this other guy, who clearly isn't ray vecchio, is ray vecchio, there's the house burning down, the car burning down, the investigation of this new guy who has entered in a sort of fascinating changeling-esque sort of way, there's the not knowing where ray vecchio is! and there's the photograph (he's cold! i know this was done for the secret code # canada reference, but i was also thinking about ghost!ray, because he is, effectively, a ghost now!)

ray is, for most of episode 1, both effectively gone-and-not-gone (i'd say dead, but we'll get to that, because he is not dead, so why does he feel dead), and at the end of it fraser is given a mandate to take care of new-ray (who at this point still isn't ray kowalski) and this has two functions: first, to take care of new-ray, a man who is clearly not feeling great at this point in life and needs a good partner (and fraser has now come far enough in his character development that he can hold that a bit more). second, to protect ray vecchio, because the only reason ray kowalski is pretending to be him is to maintain vecchio's cover -- again, a lingering presence over the plot

of course the sheer destruction of everything that signals ray vecchio is also that literal loss, not much to analyse there, it's just bad news on top of bad news for fraser, who, again, is really mostly in this city because of ray, and now has to reform himself around ray kowalski

ray kowalski is himself in a loss/grieving process. he's also, since i mentioned changeling (up until he Becomes Himself in episode 2) kind of fae in vibes, so far. something about him is untetherable-downable (yes this is real phrasing, my phrasing is not flawed at all). he's impulsive, hot-tempered, impatient... i wouldn't say "unreliable" it's just that he seems to not quite value the place he is right now, which is why he goes off the grid to do his own thing, alongside said own thing being something he feels he needs to do for himself (and by himself until fraser comes and helps in that way he does) and i think post-ep2 he'll potentially be more able to commit to the job, especially now fraser Knows him a bit better and he's not completely without identity, but he's got a sort of here-today-gone-tomorrow feeling to him, similar to fraser in his early days

i cannot quite get to the heart of the identity thing, but he just feels like a guy who's floundering and needs a direction/to regain a sense of identity. he's lost some part of himself, and seemed compelled enough by the idea of pretending to be, not just someone else, but someone else who already exists, but also that obviously didn't work like he hoped it would

there's the ex-wife, whom he clearly still thinks about, there's the fact that he's gone undercover and it feels like he's trying to almost escape something about himself, but also he obviously isn't happy about this lack of self, he wants to be known/seen (by fraser, bit by bit), so he also comes into the story wounded

(i do, slight sidenote, wonder if the fae-aspect to him will continue -- im going to assume yes, but mellower... again, smthsmth domestication, similar to early days fraser)

i also have been sort of spoiled that fraser this season keeps the red suit on most of the time, which is fun to read from a "buttons himself up again under the veneer of kind, polite man" vs the gradually increasing casual-wear we saw him in, especially in s2 (although quite early on in s1 as well

fraser in episode 1 feels lost/wrong-footed/somewhat in denial (the "proving that this man is not ray vecchio when that's very obvious" really gave the vibe of a guy hoping they'd say sike and ray might pop out of a plant somewhere)/desperate to hold onto some element of ray until he's informed that this is literally impossible (except... the photograph) because even to mention ray vecchio is dangerous, and in episode 2 he seems settled, but very remote in comparison to how he'd grown to be. there's a duty there. a mandate. he's going to take care of this other sad man. at some point i assume this other sad man will take care of him too, but in ep1+2 fraser is too buttoned up to show any of that vulnerability, although it does bleed through if you know where to look/what to compare to

the whole birthday party in episode two was what felt the most like there was a gaping hole. it was for ray. who is not there. there was a (very elaborate, homemade) gift for ray, who is not there. the ray-not-being-there element isn't exactly a wake, but it's not not a remembrance, of sorts

and fraser isn't mourning him. why should he? this is a birthday party, not a funeral. he's not dead, so what reason is there to grieve? he's not a lover, so what permitted relationship-structure is there to grieve? he's simply... gone. and the grief is there in the hanging on to him throughout both episodes, even so. and there's nobody he could talk to about it, even if that were allowed (maybe ma vecchio)

i presume, like with grief, that this hanging-on will gradually fade somewhat -- it already has: ray kowalski is now ray kowalski, so already he is neither a changeling nor a ghost/reminder, he's someone new, and this newness will overtake the melancholy that overlaid the first two episodes

and as the caretaking mandate part of the story is replaced by genuine friendship, that mandate will also cease to be The Important Thing, and so their relationship won't be tied to fraser's former partner either

and ray kowalski himself will be able to come to terms with the things that affect him and be a partner to fraser in return

but for those two episodes they're both kinda hurt, both kinda unsure, both having to figure out what all of this means for their identities, both having to go through a reforming (neither of them, i think, is at the end of that by far by end episode 2)

and it's grief

brb gotta chew on the idea that the first two episodes of due south s3 are about loss and grief. and wondering (and having been hinted at a bit) that the rest of s3 is as well. totally different ballgame from what i expected the season to be like!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[ryssbelle]

Wars is doing a think

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

heartbreaking news cozy masc king no longer cozy due to the fact that he remembered that theres school tomorrow and he needs to plug his phone in. cozy masc king also turned miserable pile of stress due to finals week- barely begun but already kicking his ass