#im going to regret what ive done tomorrow

[msburgundy]

[absolutely wrecked and on the brink of a heart attack from doing barely anything] i'm quitting my job to become a fitness influencer 💅

[phagodyke]

okaaaayyy finally watched I saw the tv glow :^)

[arsenal-womens-1]

Prompts

Please ask for one if you want

If they are blue they are in the process of being written

1.Iv fucked up

2.Im sorry im not the person you thought i was

3.Why did you leave

4.Thyer lying to you

5.Don't touch me

6.Why would you say that

7.You saw that

8.I didn't mean it

9.I was a kid

10.“You look like hell” “i feel like it”

11.You don't remember me

12.I don't know who you are anymore

13.This isn't what it looks like

14.“Do you trust me” “i don't know”

15.I think i'm seeing things

16.Send help

17.What the hell is happening to me

18.There's so much blood

19.You said you knew where we were going

20.Are you seriously stuck right now

21.How can you love someone for 7 year then not

22.I love you

23.Its 2:30 am

24.If i matter that much then why do it

25.Are you clinically insane

26.You're 16!

27.I never got to say goodbye

28.You don't see me

29.This is why we can't have nice things

30.You could have died

31.Do you regret it

32.Tell me i'm wrong

33.Lie to me then

34.We need to talk

35.Are you drunk

36.How much of that did you hear

37.What happens if i accept it

38.Is there a reason that you are both naked in bed

39.I won't let you bleed out

40.Tell me at least apart of it was real

41.Let's go on a walk

42.What's that

43.She's dead

44.You and me against the world

45.Promise me

46.You came home

47.You came

48.Im at the hospital

49.There's no heartbeat

50.Go be a superstar

51. My mom misses you

52.what if i say no and i come with you

53.I didn't know where else to go

54.I'll never be that me again

55.You deserve better than me

56.I don't want to understand i want you to stay

57.Don't let me lose you to

58.For what it's worth i really im sorry

59.Step out that door and i swear we are done

60.What right did you have from keeping it from me

61.Running seems to be all your good at

62.Your not sorry you'll never be sorry

63.Cry me a fucking river

64.The smart people are talk it's time to shut up

65.I want you to die there i said it

66.Im i that unlovable

67.Please don't make me answer that

68.I'm like 99% sure this is illegal

69. I no apologies for how i chose to repair what you broke

70.You never think the last time is the last you think you have forever but you dont

71.Gay not blind

72. “ because she’s a girl!” “She’s a girl”

73.Run away with me

74.Stop trying to save me

75.Oh don't stop on our account

76.Visiting hours are from 4:00 to 9:00

77.Id ask you to stay but i don't like you

78.Something about you makes me want to commit extreme violence

79.Your too young to hate this world

80.Were designed to be disposable

81.Her blood is on your hands

82.Your smile isn't as bright as it used to be

83.Same time tomorrow

84.You were supposed to talk me out of this

85.Do you remember this you give it to me when we first got together

86.And it's another tuesday what's your point

87.It's almost like your still alive

88.You'll be free soon

[kindred-spirit-93]

hey there chat, its me, ya girl.

long post ahead! aight on todays menu:

embroidery (more on that below)

short story (more on that in another post)

spring cleaning my blog lol (inbox and drafts)

other things ive probably forgotten

for starters, i live! i have like 36 more hours of sweet glorious freedom before resuming uni lol and so ive got a few projects lined up, and id appreciate yalls insight on one or two or ten of them ^-^

--

first one and the most time sensitive is my beloveds birthday gift lol

i started the stems this beige colour and regretted it half way through but continued anyway (im just like me fr fr), and im now considering taking them all out and going over it in black.

sorry for the awful quality lol. ill finish it tomorrow bc my everything hurts so ill see what the council decides then. will update :)

--

secondly, im story boarding a short story! yay :) i love tragic backstories lmao (done right ofc and not thrown in just because) and i have three potential ways to go about the heroines origin story. (ill make aother post with another poll right after this one with more details n stuff for whoevers interested :D)

--

third, i think ill get to answering a few asks at long last tomorrow night, so if youd like to send anything feel free lol. might schedule whats in my drafts already but idk. its getting a bit crowded so well see what happens.

--

also since were here there are a few other things in the works (an epic au muehehe and more polites & duck content lol) but they might have to wait a little longer :') again remains to be seen.

thank you for reading this far lol, take care, drink water, sleep well & dont skip breakfast (or ill personally hunt u down) and ill see yall soon!

- kindred

[gayspock]

yeh last one

my honest truth is i have never gone back on a thought ive had during whatever the fuck you want to call my little Moments as it were. like ive never had a screaming, crying, throw-up fit about how much i really need to hurt myself and looked back on it and thought i dont any more or regretted feeling like that. idk. embarrassment over the fact i might , when lucid enough to do so, end up going on a little whinge on here (ironically as iam now). cuz god shut up. but i dont rlly take any of that shit back ever. like i can carry that certtainty fucking with me that nothing ive ever been upset over has been something ivve come to think otherwiseon. and idk idk i say this bc idk. something something. i think abt how so often its like yeppp its a mental breakdown, but fucking is it. like is it actually. is it ever. am i irrational. i feel like the only ways in which its truly irrational isthinking it mattered enough to get that worked up in the first place like its ever going to mean something or going to be different . io genuinely wonder how many hours ive spent of my life just spiralling how its never meant anything how it keeps just getting worse how its never going to matter how much it hurts to anyone at all but me, really, how amny times have i been to the brink or tried really hard or done any number of fucking things and its never made a single difference not even slightyl for so so long. and the only thing there is between that and this is jsut pushing it forward to tomorrow and it sitll doesnt help im still not like a fucking person or whatever . i ts just been non fucking stop it never fucking stops no matter what i do or try or how long i do something or try something and people wont even believe it . youre not doing it enough youre not trying enough and you keep on doing it you keep on but more and more doors shut inyourface and you still can neverjust find anything . anything at all. not a single fucking thing even for once and youre not astrong fucking person or whatever i dont fucking know you just want to curl up and die like why do i keep doing this what difference is it ever going to make where am i going im going nowhere and who for who fucking for for ME i dont tink ive ever been worth it to anyone and certainly not to myself and even if it was i cant get anywhere and i dont think i mean anything and i dont know i keep thinking would it happen if like even/ for second to have something thats worth it for a second like o if i wasnt entirely alone if it was real if something jst. it doesnt even have to be a passion ro an interest just something that isnt fucking nothing butif you had that you wouldnt be here in the first place . thats the conceit of it. im not fucking depressed im not fucking clinically unwell im jsut a fucking useless piece of shit and no i cannot fucking cope with that its fucking horrible theres nothing and i cant manage it i cant manage being alone every wakinghour of my life i cant imagine feeling so isolated and alienated and doing things on my own i cant manage the constant fucking failures and inadequacy i cant

and i think . respectfully its fucking reasonable to want to killmyself because why why why the fuck would i want to be alive thats not a fucking chemical imbalance wat is the fucking point and theres nothing you can fucking Say to unfuck that thats the natural fucking rejection that respectfully everyone else can also fcking understand because god knows i dont know i dont know whats wrong with me or why i just cant do enough to do anything i dont fucking know i dont know why im never enough for anythingand . and what ma i trying oto prove and i dont know why it matters i dont know why i keep caring as if it fucking matters, man, thats the embarrassing thig that really is it i feel so fucking ashamed of myself because i feel liek im still setting ym expectations so so fucking hgih for myself getting upset in the fucking first place lik e come on dude its long long long past the point why come on just shut up and you know like god what are you doing iits so fucking desperate and pathetic to keep fucking going and i wish i never existed or whatever i wish or whatever ugh or whatever who saidthat oh was it me i dont fucking know i hat ebeing alone thats what i hate the most i hate how its just alwayslike this i hate being near people sometimes i hate fucking talking to people because it justfeels like everything i cant fucking manage all of the time i keep getting so so fucking upset over dumb fucking shit getting so fucking sad and jealous and miserable and its not fucking fair i jsut i dont know why eveyrone else has had something or someone even jsut once i feel like im just floating through everyone and even thats such a fucking stretch i just . i cant do it any more i feel so ugly adnd unwanted and i feel like i cant do anything to ever help it i feel like i jsutcant blamepeople i can tblame anything but myself for existing and ijust feel like the only way to fix it is out and WHATEVER

[robynbaldurlogs]

baldur log day 3

TODAY WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!! OHHH MY GOD. IM SO MAD. ok. im exaggerating but. ill get to that. so lets just go through the first couple things that happened. heres the squad. say hi intrepid heroes

so i talked to zevlor and agreed to find the goblin leader. on my way to the goblin camp i meet these people who talk about the absolute and call me a true soul after their brother dies lol.

then they say theyre looking for a survivor from the ship crash, i say i am one and..

they... wanna kill me...??? i really didnt want to but i was already in the fight so im like. whatever. sure man. so i cooked the shit out of them, duh. im curious about what their deal was though... also i had the option to ask if they knew about halsin the healer and i didnt ask which sucks cus i should have done that first also im... starting to catch on to what astarion is. if im assuming correctly. cus earlier he talked about how much he looooves rare ass meat thats "dripping" with blood and that was weird as a random comment but...

Ok. I Know What You Are.

anyways. then i meet this dog by his dead owner. befriend him. all good.

but then. i use speak to animals (with wyll) and talk to the dog. and wanting to help i yell at the corpse. because im like. I DUNNO MAN. maybe the dog will realize hes dead. but then HE GETS MAD AT ME AND TURN COMBAT MODE COMES ON. and i tried to go back and reload. i didnt want to but i also did not want to kill him. but the save was so far back. then i tried to run away with astarion but i guess running away works per character. so i thought oh maybe if i return the fight will be over.... and it wasnt....

i have never regretted something more. ohhhh i am going to show you so much love and compassion when i run this game a second time. this is the worst thing to happen to me. ever. fuck everything. i still love you scratch.

...anyways. got to the goblin camp. used a wisdom roll to convince the goblins we're good thanks to the brain tadpole. astarion commented on how we could convince anyone to do anything with the tadpoles and he was like mweheheeheh.

but of course i agree with shadowheart. cus shes goated. also id agree with that if it wasnt her either way. (ignore her looking like a swedish twink. i used disguise self and forgot to change her back) oh also we leveled up right before this hell yes

but ya then my friend speves reminded me to go back to that gate in the beginning of the game that was locked. so i went there and unlocked it with astarion. fucked up like twice but hey man its a dc 20 okay. im lucky i had vampirical fuck with me or ida never unlocked it

but yeah i went into the crypt, looted some stuff and killed a couple people. nothing bad happened in the first room and i did not have to reload.

embarrassing as fuck but yeah then i intimidated the guys outside to leave

and shadowheart said i was more cunning than i looked.... wow. thank u. im flattered. but yeah relatively short session i havent even found halsin or met karlach yet but hopefully i get that done next time. ive got a test tomorrow so im gonna fuck off and study hell yeah bitches

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im trying so hard, my very hardest, to be kind and sweet and lovely and nice. but im afraid itll never be truly possible - theres a hidden dark side to me, because im so harsh and cruel and hard on myself. it slips out in hidden ways. those comments that spark a sense of alarm in others. that sudden red flag that you dont react or respond to in the moment, just file away as a reminder to never truly trust me, love me, respect me, feel safe around me...

is it true? or is it an idea?

im afraid i cant trust anyone.

but if i trust myself, will that matter?

its jarring, when the tower of love you have for a person comes crashing down after one dirty act. the darkness... the darkness that im supposed to accept is inherently a part of us all. it scares me. it hurt me.

im heartbroken because i feel like this relationship was doomed to end from the beginning. and that was my own doing, because i have such a warped idea of relationships and love. because i have lingering feelings for people that dont matter. because im so afraid of repeating the same mistakes that im more willing to sabotage it all before i get a chance to try something different. because i cant let go of superficial things that ive gotten used to. because i cant set boundaries. because im being fucking stupid.

im definitely pmsing. lets just take these big emotions with a grain of salt.

what happened to being in a goofy mood?

im irritable.

i just want to be happy with him. i dont want to ruin it by travelling and being separated and one of us cheating on the other. i dont want this to end within a year. i want to be happy. i deserve happiness. ive waited a long time for someone to treat me how i deserve. will he treat me how i deserve? he will try, and thats all i can ask for. he actually makes me feel safe and comfortable to be authentically myself. he gives me the space to just be. to feel my confusing emotions.

but why do they both feel so manipulative? is this my own wound? my own lack of boundaries and knowing what it is i really want? because i keep finding myself fearing the powerful people i attract into my life for the same reason i fell in love with them in the first place - that they can tell me what to do, that they can help me figure out what i want. but at what point does that turn into them deciding what i want for me? thinking they know what i want? ugh.

im confused. im tired. im drained. im overwhelmed. im sad. im missing something that doesnt exist - a feeling - nostalgia - the feeling of love and being loved and being heartbroken and in love and completely miserable.

i hate to admit it, but this whole time i keep on thinking back to the time i was with my ex. it was so different. i was so much freer and happier. i was so different. it was a different time! i always thought i could find something or someone like that, to emulate that feeling again. but its just not possible. its weird. like no one else will ever understand but him, because no one else was there. and i wish i could talk about it or explain it but its impossible to understand.

i want to fall. i want to feel okay to just fall and let him catch me and lead the way. but im so scared, i feel like its gonna end, i feel like im gonna get hurt, im gonna regret being so vulnerable, im gonna find something out and wish id been smarter and seen through his bullshit. but he hasnt done anything. but thats the biggest red flag of them all. why are you so perfect? who are you, really? why am i still so afraid and uncomfortable? is it me?

yet, i still miss him. i still text him. i still want to see him tomorrow. i dont tell him to refund the festival tickets he got us. i smile when he tells me about his day and his games and his affirming words calling me princess and telling me hes proud of me. hes so stable. what if he gets sick of me? my constant bad moods? my dark feelings? you cant have the sun without shade.

darkness can only exist in the shadow of light.

[smileymoth]

Self harm tw

Im not gona do anything rn bc im going home tomorrow and the ones i made last week havent even healed properly but i swear to god one day im going to slice up my wrists just to experience what it looks and feels like because its always been a fucked up fantasy of mine because ive been mentally ill since i was 10 and even without the internet i wouldve lost it some other way. Sometimes i think about going too deep and having to get stitcjes. But if it happened it would be on accident. I woildnt do it on purpose bc im a coward.

I remember in 5th grade we were on a school trip and i lost my mind bc of prohably overstimulation lbr and i started to badly grate away at my wrist witj a plastic knife and that was so cringe i remember feeling cringe immediately since i calmed down and its so embarrassing that i have these thoughts in the first place since youre not supposed to. The next morning i woke up and my dad noticed ky scratched arm and he made a joke about it. It didnt feel too good. Ive never cut too much. I remember in 6tj grade i would cut a small piece of skin off my wrist with scissors and i stkll have a scar from it and it would burn dry to air exposure and id be kinda disturbed bc there was a hole in my skin (go figure) but its so small now. All my sh scars have mostly faded. Ive never done too much because im scared to do too much and go too deep but by god i want to. But i dont want the scars. I dont want my mom to see. I dont want people to see. I just want the feeling it gives. Even if you dont do too much rhe pressure release or adrenaline calmdown after feels so nice and uoi feel so good for like 5 minhtes before you regret what you did. Like its not even a big problem to me lbr i just do a couple to get away iwth saying my cat attacked me and thats why theyre always crooked or i "scratched myself against a screw at school lol" idk if my mom ever really believed me in the first place. Its always awkward when she asks bc i pretend i didnt notjce i have them. And while i dont do it a lot and often ive never cut myself more tjan in the past 2 years. Did my dads death trigger this. I dont know. And i feel like its getting worse slowly. And im just letting it happen because i stopped caring i guess. I dont know. I guess thats why i starved myself in high school bc it was "invisible" and not noticable l. I dont know. I feel so patjetic that i even think about it so often that i do. Like im 22 i should be getting a job and a partner not thinking of which spot on my wrist is most optimal to draw blood with a fucking dirty ass boxcutter that i sprayed a-sept on so if my mom notices it would be least suspicious.

God i cant keep up i cant keep up with life at all im not built for this life it feels like. Im so overwhelmed all the time and i feel disgusting and patjetic and annoying. I dont really care about the things i should i just pretend i care mostly. Thats an autism trait right. Lack of empathy. I feel empathy but sometimes it feels tjat im empathetic just because its right to ne, not tjat i actuallt care. Youd be surprised how little things i acrually care about. Im a little internet attentionwhore who cant kill herself nc her mom and besties would be sad. Im not fucking special for any of this im just pathetic and burnt out and dead on the inside. Im never going to get better am i. Im never going to be what i want to be. Whats the fucking point right. Whats the point of complaining if im not even going to do anything. i wont cut myself open like i want to because its useless and dangerous and doesnt fix anything anyway and i cant kill myself either so ill just complain om tumblr instead and describe in detail how ive cut myself before bc thats entertaining. I feel like im writing a deviantart vent journal

[nickibun]

ed log:

salmon teriyaki w/ rice | ??? cal

shrimp + potatoes | ??? cal

usage + mood:

totally f*kd up today. hardly ate the past few days though. feeling completely torn.

saw my ex tonight to have him help me with

an assignment i’ve had due and got an extension on since i was so busy with fashion week.

ofc he knows about my ed and cooked dinner,

i bought him lunch, we shared a bottle of wine.

i feel so guilty. tomorrow i will do better.

as for my usage, i spent a few days helping my friends (messed up couple) with their issues, obviously drank a ton of vodka, smoked some t with them. took a couple valium to get to sleep. did some mdma on valentine’s day.

daily log:

nyfw this year was really amazing.

i worked two shows (one of which i walked in for the first time), attended four other shows from a multitude of designers.

some of my friends came to my show which was honestly amazing. saw a lot of old colleagues/friends at a show for a company i used to intern for, which felt really special since i hadn’t seen many of them since i first moved to nyc. i shot for a really great alternative brand on monday with another model and crazy talented photographer.

i’m really proud of myself for getting through this month so far, considering all the variables i’ve been dealing with (relapsing on h, the girl i was seeing for a few months breaking things off w me, fights w my ex, my mom being in town and staying with me).

looking back at everything i’ve been doing this month really puts things into perspective; this is why i’m here. this is what i came to do. i moved to new york to pursue my degree in fashion marketing, and im applying what ive learned along with my own creativity and vision into real life.

when i was at my lowest point, waking up in hell everyday 16-19, only caring about h and my shitty ex bf… i look back and think how if that girl knew where she would be at 21 she wouldn’t believe it.

i didn’t think about waking up the next day, looking into the future (even six months wasn’t in my plan) wasn’t in my cards.

i need to realize i’ve come so far. such a long way.

it’s nice to be reminded of where i came from to where i am now, and how much progress i’ve made since getting out of rehab in october of 2022.

i won’t let a slip up define me.

at the same time, i’m utterly terrified to think about where i’ll be next year, or five years down the line.

i never thought i’d make it this far, and the road is long ahead of me.

one day at a time one day at a time one day at a

i try to remember. i’ve changed things. i am ok.

i am better. i’ll do my best everyday. some days are harder than others, but i have grown so much, that is something to be proud of.

i saw my ex for valentine’s day, which i am a bit ashamed to say. now im sleeping at his house. im sitting here justifying this to myself, even after the horrible things he’s said and done to me in the past nine months.

on valentine’s day, he asked me out to dinner. i said yes, then regretted it within the first hour of the date. i drank to the point where i can’t remember going home with him that night.

i called my friends to essentially rescue me. they had made up a perfect excuse to get me to leave. which ended up in me partying with them for the next two days. lol

i need new friends.

middle of our party (it’s a couple), AC had gotten his gf arrested. so fucked. spent the next day locating which jail she was in, figuring out her arraignment time, etc etc. but, since they had shown up for me so many times i knew i had to stick it out. i’m glad i did. i think AC would’ve lost his shit if he was in the apt alone knowing what he’d done.

i go to miami tomorrow for a much needed vacation for a few days. excited to be in my hometown and see my parents.

anyways, here’s some raw photos from the shoot:

[iantimony]

tuesdaypost

helloooo everyone i am doing ... better ???

listening: twilight! mirage!!! im in episode 60!!! grand magnificent is so fucking stupid!!

has anyone made this meme yet. im sure someone made this meme

reading: uhhhh general relativity textbook.

watching: mostly stupid drama vids on youtube (swoop mainly). very entertaining. it means nothing to me

making: fallow ... wait no ive been crocheting a market bag. very slowly. it's this one and i'm using black nylon.

misc: i am less in my agonies?? i'm getting a bunch of tests done (endoscopy last week, colonscopy tomorrow (they couldn't do it at the same time because i loooov for profit medicine etc), i start taking the Shitting Myself pills in about a half hour) but the past week or so has actually been really good physically. i WANT to say "i've rounded a corner" but i've said that like 3 times in the past two months and don't want to jinx it, so. hopefully my scope tomorrow comes back normal, i'm really hoping it's just ibs from having that bad stomach flu plus stress/anxiety of being home for the summer and feeling like i regressed back to high school lol.

anyways i am HEMORRHAGING money lately between all the medical tests, i needed to buy a new laptop, i bought a fucking $400 quilt because i stupid (it will be worth it i just need to hang it up but mild regret on that one tbh all things considered), i am deeply coveting some more art from a local artist but i am making myself sit on the decision first ... that's something i could ask for as a birthday present maybe ...

research is broadly fine. classes are also fine, im only properly registered in one this semester and the prof is really nice and basically gave me a blanket extension on all the hws once i explained what was going on a little, so im trying to broadly keep on top of that but knowing i have extra time if i Fall Ill has been really really helpful. making accommodations for myself with the thought that because i went to the trouble of asking for accommodations then i will not need to use them, etc.

gonna go sip on my chicken broth and wait impatiently for my yellow jello to finish setting. and also to get set up in my bathroom lmao :")

[fraener]

3/19/23

yesterday it was 64 out. we’ve nearly gotten past the last frost, there are a few cold nights looming ahead. the day was beautiful and sharp and strange. hans and i had a picnic in the park and while he was out getting a new pair of waders i watched the track house burn, start to nearly finish. the air was heavy with the heat of the day and the fire made a sound like it was crawling. we went back in the night, hans and i, and a few of his coworkers were there watching the last embers leap in the dark. the smoke made us cough and we got weird white stuff on our shoes. the fire department hadnt turned the water main off so everything was flooded. ive been walking so much lately, its helping with everything. i decided not to take that job this summer after all, which of course now im regretting just a bit. i just didnt feel like it was going to be a good environment to work in, they werent being transparent with me about what they were hiring me for through the interviewing process and i didnt like being asked to only teach things that were easily marketable. i dont like a school thats focused on turning a profit rather than providing diverse and unique learning opportunities. plus the pay was going to be shit. i might work for the geoduck farm, but im not fully sure yet. ive been having terrible luck with the grocery shopping, things keep going wrong or something i bring home is off. tonight i spilled my dinner on the floor but i didnt get mad, i just laughed and cleaned it up. i feel a little lighter than usual, i think i feel good. i can feel the writhing worm of anxiety under my surface but i feel good. last night rosie slept next to me in the crook of my body all night long. hans told me this morning that r really didnt like how i carried myself or the fact that i disagreed with her and talked back to her. to her she always found me difficult to control, threatening to her manipulation web and harbored a good amount of resentment for me was incredibly freeing. i dont feel bad about anything ive done now because it doesnt have anything to with me. all of this could have been prevented had she been honest, but she was having a hard time scraping me off, clearly. i ran into amys michael on the street which was a wonderful surprise. ive been reacting poorly to dairy lately, i think all of my allergies are really heightened right now. everything is starting to bloom, the osoberry and the redcurrant and the daffodils and violets are filling the air with pollen and scent. even the plum and cherry trees are opening, slowly but surely. i turned the bed over for spring today, well see if im warm enough. the equinox is tomorrow. the heather gave me a big branch of monkey puzzle tree the other day. i finished up with school for now except my eval meeting. my final critique went well, people liked my work and complimented me a lot on it. one of my classmates said the plate with hans on it looked like it was cracking because the love we had couldnt be contained and it made me cry a little. i love him so much, being with him is helping me heal so much, not being punished for who i am by someone i love is healing me so much. climbing out of the depression, certainly, but not quite there with the anxiety. still have some climbing to go. although things have improved so much in the last year... my intrusive thoughts are much quieter and one track. theyre really only focused on the one thing most of the time, which i am seeing like when im washing the sink and all the gunk gets swished into one little heap headed for the drain trap. were going to work on unburdening in therapy this week a little so i think thatll help. the smell of the rain on the hot pavement today nearly made me cry. actually i did tear up a little, i felt so at peace and unbothered by anything. everything is ringing out a little clearer each time, i am really feeling a return to myself bigger and bigger with each ring. i feel much more comfortable with myself than i did in the voyeuristic relationship i had to myself last year. this year has passed so fast to me in this moment; i feel like everything with o happened so recently. in some ways it did i suppose, only 5 months ago. i want to write more poetry again. i feel like ive woken up from underneath something the last few days, i hope it stays that way. the spring is beautiful. everything is reaching for the light of the sun this year so hard, as if we all felt the quake of my emotions and grief and fear this winter. i was so arrested. i am so close to free now.

[nieloxychen]

VENTING lots in tags

cant find a workplace, first aid wont get back to me, fucking up my exams, mental health is shit... kinda feel like sth doesnt want me to do this now... but im also too tired for spite. also lots of woulda-coulda-shoulda

[floralbfs]

am so tired jus wanna sleep </3

[notabled-noodle]

So ive done some thinking about ADHD

And ik this isn't a diagnostic trait

But I've heard lots of psychologists and psychiatrists and even diagnosed people, mention how adhd people keep on making the same mistakes over and over again cuz they "forget" the outcome that they've witnessed every single time

At first when i started wondering whether i had ADHD or not, that didnt sound like me. Im an anxious person, I triple check whatever I'm gonna do before I do it . Odering food online?? I reread the ingredients and the order 4 times before pressing order. Going to use the bus? I check the time schedule over and over even tho ik i cant have seen the wrong timethe 5 times i checked and rechecked it. So basically I usually leave no room for myself to make mistakes and If i make one I take it hard and never ever make it...

Or so i thought.

The respective mistakes that I make dont affect others. Thats the difference. No one else can spot them other than me. Cuz they don't change anyone's day, mood etc

I think that some subtle mistakes that people with adhd could be repeating are:

Sleeping. Every single day, I promise myself to sleep early to atleast get 8 hours of sleep. And every single night I forget my promise and I just end up finding myself thrown in a crazy rabbit hole in the midst of the night and going to sleep real late and getting barely 5 hours of sleep. Do i understand that its a mistake? Yeah. But do I at the moment forget the outcome? Also yeah.

Doing chores such as laundry, the dishes etc. These tasks are the hell of a neurodivergent person whether its due to a sensory issue, procrastination, the task being too boring? Who knows depends on the person. Often times i find my laundry and dishes piling up and i find myself scared of begining. I make excuses, I give myself a hard time cuz if I have time for washing the dishes then I have time to work/study etc. And yet every single time when i get the motivation and energy to do the dishes...i finish quite fast?? And i always regret not washing them?? Like no matter how many times i do the dishes i always end up convincing myself its some huge hard mission that needs total focua and total lack of responsibiliies

Now Idk if all what i said makes sense. Ive barely known about adhd for a year now. I read up on it to understand a friend whom said they believed to have it..and oh god did i hesitate about it in the beginning. But I did a lot of research and ive related to lots of stuff before deciding on self diagnosing. The main problem was that my symptoms presented subtly and it was hard for me to distinguish them.

I'm sending you this long ask cuz I know how knowledgeable you are on this topic and also because I read all of your posts and find myself agreeing with them

Do you think that these traits could be associated with adhd? Also what other times do you believe people with ADHD end up forgetting about an experience they would have learned about quiet fast were they neurotypical?

yeah, this often comes down to impulsivity, short-term memory problems, and not necessarily being able to think about things in a “cause and effect” way.

the anxiety and the desire to check, double-check, and triple-check everything can come as a direct result of years of being punished for impulsivity. over time, people with ADHD can learn what actions have a negative effect on others, and alter their behaviour to suit. it can be a lot harder to do this when you’re the only one suffering the consequences — you need a lot more self-control as opposed to externally enforced rules and boundaries.

in my experience, people with ADHD seem to be fairly good at breaking things down into past self, present self, and future self. the problem is that we see the future self as a completely different person to the present self. i.e. thinking “I’ll be able to do this tomorrow”, despite having no evidence that you’ll magically be able to learn those skills in 24 hours time.

the examples you included were pretty good! other instances of this could be:

procrastinating hygiene related things, even if you have the energy to do them right now — giving your future self those responsibilities because you’d rather be doing something else right now

quitting a bad habit or starting up a new one — you may want to reduce your screen time, but right now you also really want to see that new YouTube video and oh well, might as well start being good about it tomorrow

generally building tasks up in your head to be harder than they actually are, which then causes the tasks to build up, which makes them even harder than they would’ve been if you’d just done it straight away (a vicious cycle)

in behavioural economics, you’d say that someone with ADHD has intense “future discounting”. that is, we predict that the suffering of tomorrow will be less than the suffering of today. and we also predict that the joy of today will be reduced if we saved that joy until tomorrow. it can be challenging for someone with ADHD to process the concept of “delayed gratification”, because we can’t accurately imagine the reality of our future selves.

I hope this answered your question, and that it helped!

[blxetsi]

I was curious if you’d be up for headcanon of adopting Gabi Braun, or what it’s like being her older sibling?

If not maybe just Pieck relationship headcanons

Please and thank you

im so sorry im getting to this so late 😭🤚 ty for requesting ‼️

‼️CONTENT WARNING: SPOILERS FOR SEASON 4 AND CHAPTER 139‼️

adopting gabi braun headcanons (canonverse)

characters: gf!sasha braus x gn!reader, platonic!gabi braun x gn!reader, fatherly!levi ackerman x gn!reader, platonic!falco grice x gn!reader

warnings: death, angst, hatred for kids (fuck them kids‼️), peepaw levi 😁👍

- uhhhhhh,, your relationship w gabi had a very rocky start. Lol !

- it all started when your friend eren jaeger decided to run away to infiltrate marley causing the survey corps to go get him just as a war was declared between your countries, and then two kids snuck onto the airship you were using to escape and shot your girlfriend. and she died. Lol !

- you had a lot of hatred for gabi in the beginning, and it was understandable

- you blamed her for shooting sasha, but you also blamed yourself for not being able to save her.

- you were a trained medic, you were supposed to save people, and yet you couldnt even save the woman you loved. it was like a slap in the face, like god was playing some cruel joke on you

- you remember sitting against the wall with sasha's blood staining your hands. you could barely process what happened at the time, and then levi came

- he sat next to you, taking a handkerchief out of nowhere seemingly, and just wordlessly wiped your hands down.

- your relationship with the older man was never defined, even today, but you both cared for each other

- the next time you saw gabi, was in that restaurant, niccolo had attacked gabi and falco, injuring them both, and said she killed sasha

- your blood went cold, you felt so many things, the grief you had pushed down in favour of your job, anger, fear, among other things

- niccolo had said there needed to be justice, he said that gabi should die for what she did, he tried to get sasha's father to kill her, and all you did was stand there.

- your body went on autopilot, barely listening to mr. braus' speech, you watched as kaya pointed a knife at gabi, and you listened to her wails of agony as you blindly led mikasa, armin, and gabi to a different room

- you were scared of yourself, for what you were thinking. did you really want a kid to die ? she did kill your girlfriend, the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, the woman that shared her food with you, the woman that held you when you got scared at night, the woman that promised you that after the war you two would live on a farm together, and have a family of your own.

- but she was still a child. she didnt know any better. you were conflicted in your feelings, especially after hearing what niccolo had said, but it all just emphasized what was already known to you. she was a child

- your blood was pounding in your ears, and you could faintly hear gabi asking your comrades if they wanted to kill her. when armin reassured her they didnt, she looked to you and asked "what about them ?"

- you didnt answer her, and continued to lead them down where eren would be meeting you all. you were supposed to drop them off, but eren made you stay, and then a fight broke out

- you dont remember when you did it, but you held gabi in your arms, shielding her from the fight. you think you needed to be held more than she did

- things got more complicated after that, and slowly the hatred you had for sasha's killer went away, until all you had left was a hole in your chest from guilt and sadness.

- at fort salta, you thought you were going to die there, next to your friends. you thought you'd become a mindless titan, like connie's family

- but you didnt, well you did, but only for a short time, and when you turned back, you reunited with your friends

- looking around for gabi, you saw her tackle falco into a hug, which made you smile

- "y/n !" jean called, you remember looking behind you in confusion, he sounded distressed, but you understood why when you saw sasha saluting the three of you

- you felt your legs move on your own, and you ran closer to her, before stopping about a meter away. she was dead, you knew she was dead, but she was there, wearing that goofy smile on her face and looking at you as if you'd hung the stars in the sky

- she looked at you. "you did good." hearing her voice felt like a dream. your mouth felt dry, and your jaw opened and closed like a fish before you felt tears sting your eyes. "i love you."

- she nodded, before looking at the sky. "i know." she replied. sasha looked back at you before giving you a soft smile. "you know what to do now." before she disappeared in the debris

- you knew what to do, so you did it

- you found levi sitting against a rock, and when you leaned down next to him he muttered something. "i saw erwin again. and hange. all of them." you nodded. "i saw sasha." he looked at you, and gave you the closest thing to a smile. "i guess we're both at peace now."

*****

- three years later, you've become a school teacher in paradis, teaching young children how to read, to write, and basic math. you teach them about art and music, and nature. its nice being surrounded by children all day, kids are lovely.

- you live with gabi, falco and levi, in a small house inside wall sina. levi's legs have gotten weaker with time, causing him to use a wheelchair and crutches. he's given up on his dream of a tea shop, but is content with the life he has now.

- gabi and falco have gotten more rowdy with age, but they've both matured quite a bit. they make you proud

- you send letters to sasha's family. kaya is growing up, and has taken over archery just like her sister. niccolo is living with them now.

- you'll never be able to let go of sasha, or what happened to her, but the pain in your chest has dulled immensely. you think about her sometimes, when youre in bed alone, wanting to feel the warmth of her body in your arms, you know you should move on, you get teased about not having a new girlfriend, even levi has made comments about there being "plenty of fish in the sea"

it was a late night, on a friday. you were grading spelling tests at the dining room table, one lone candle being your source of light. your pen moves swiftly across the different pieces of paper, adding check marks or x marks when needed, adding a note at the bottom of each test, before adding a smiley face on all of your students' hard work. it was tedious, but it needed to be done, and you had to remember to bring them in on monday, you couldn't forget like last time.

you heard footsteps coming down the stairs. they were soft, and slow, and at first you thought it was levi but realized it couldn't be since you couldn't hear the soft tapping of his crutches on the stairs. they came down to the bottom and stood there, it was gabi, dressed in a light pink nightgown that came down to her knees, and her disheveled hair in the braid you did for her before bed.

you pushed your reading glasses to the top of your head. "what are you doing up ? it's late."

she shrugged, and walked over to sit across from you at the table. gabi grabbed the stack of papers that you already graded and shuffled through them, giggling when she found a misspelling.

you rolled her eyes. "don't laugh, they're six."

she shook her head. "i was spelling ten times better than this when i was their age."

"uh huh."

"are you calling my bluff ?"

you chuckled. "maybe. you should be in bed though."

"why ? it's not like we have school tomorrow."

you shrugged. "i was thinking we could go on a picnic outside the walls. it gets stuffy in here."

she nodded. "that would be fun."

the silence came back for a while, until you finished grading and set your papers aside.

"you know, i hear you sometimes." she whispered.

you looked at the brunette in confusion. "how do you mean ?"

"when your in bed, sometimes you cry."

you scoffed, and leaned back in your chair. "yeah well, i try to muffle it."

"i don't think ive ever apologized to you," she started. her eyes welled up with tears and her hands shook on the table. her cheeks and nose became pink as she held herself back from crying. "i know i feel bad, and i regret killing her but, i've never actually apologized to you for-"

"don't." you said. you kept your eyes on your lap, you felt your throat growing tight. "please gabi, don't say anything."

"i need to apologize-"

"you don't. you killed her. she's dead, the war is over. it's done. just let it go." you said, your voice wavering.

"have you let it go ?"

your head shot up to her. "i lost the woman i was going to spend the rest of my life with. she promised me a safe home, a farm, and a family. and she promised we'd grow old together. and that didn't happen. i grew up with her, i've known her since i was twelve, we started dating when i was sixteen. of course i haven't let it go, gabi."

gabi looked shocked by your outburst, but nodded. she understood how you felt, and she felt so guilty. "you don't forgive me do you ? i get it, i really do. i'm sorry."

you shook your head. "gabi no, i do. i do forgive you. i just, i can't forget it." you whimpered, tears started streaming down your face and you choked back a sob. "i loved her with all of my heart, i still do, but i don't hate you-"

gabi rolled her eyes, tears coming out uncontrollably now. "you should. i killed her, i ruined your chance of a happy life ! she was your family and i-"

"gabi no !" you exclaimed, cutting her off. at this point you both looked like a mess, and you were worried you woke up the boys. you grabbed her shaking hands in your own and held them to you. "you are my family. you are. so is falco, and so is levi. i forgive you, and i love you with all of my heart." you said, a sad smile on your face. her eyes widened at your words, before she started sobbing.

you got up from the table to come to her side, and held her in your arms as she cried. her arms wrapped around your shoulders while she dug her head into your neck, tickling you with her hair.

you rubbed her back and cradled her head while shushing her. she sobbed out a muffled "i love you so much y/n." that you chuckled at.

"i love you too so much." you whispered back.

it took a long time for gabi to calm down, but when she did you still held her, rocking her and yourself back and forth slightly. you two moved from the chairs down to the floor, funny enough.

you kissed the top of her head before talking, the only noise in the room being your whispers, her sniffles and the living room clock. "you know reiner's coming home soon. are you excited ?" she nodded against your skin and sniffled again, clearing her throat too.

"i hope he brings me a gift or something." she whispered back, her voice hoarse. it made you laugh, and you had to cover your mouth to keep quiet.

"they're going to shiganshina district for a couple of days, to visit mikasa and eren, and then mikasa will come with them to the capital."

"do you miss her ?" she asked.

"so much. i miss all of them, but mikasa is a close friend of mine, she holds a special place in my heart."

"do you think you and levi will go to the meetings between the marley ambassadors and the jaegerists ?" she asked.

"maybe, if they feel as though they really need us."

you sighed through your nose, which was a bit stuffy from crying. "after we turned back into humans, i saw sasha again."

gabi lifted her head up from where it was resting on your shoulder. "what ?"

"yeah, i saw her ghost i think." you looked down on her with a smile on your face. "she told me i knew what i needed to do, and then i went and got levi and you and falco." you paused for a moment, thinking about how you would word what you were thinking. "i did what i needed to do, i got my family together." gabi's eyes widened. "sasha promised me a family, and although this wasn't the family i had envisioned, it's still a family nonetheless. i believe her last gift to me was you, falco, and levi. and i am so grateful to have you all in my life."

gabi smiled before hugging you. she opened her mouth to say something-

"oi !" a deep voice came from the top of the stairs. "you two woke me up with all of your crying. go to bed." before your heard the creaking of the floorboards and the closing of a door.

you chuckled before standing up, pulling gabi with you. you walked her to her room, and even tucked her in, you both exchanged 'i love yous' and 'goodnights' before you retreated from her bedroom, closing the door behind you.

across the hall, levi stood leaned on his doorway with his arms crossed together. "that family speech, that was cute." he commented. you rolled your eyes at the older man. "were you listening in on a private conversation ?" you teased.

the ex-captain scoffed and looked away. "go to bed y/n. we have a picnic to go on tomorrow." before closing his door.

you chuckled to yourself, remembering how you brought up the idea to him that morning, and he only replied with a curt "we'll see" before sipping on his morning tea.

you went back to your own room, and got into your bed. you turned on your side, and looked at the space you always left open for sasha, and brushed your hand against the pillow.

"goodnight love."

uhhhhh doesnt feel like my best work but whatevs 😁👍 enjoy my comeback to tumblr 🤩🙏

requests open mfs ‼️

[lukewarmstew]

I havent been posting as much, im feeling like fucking shit and like such a failure.

I know this could be considered "recovery" but im not loving any single piece of food that im putting in my mouth, im hating everything about me even more and im done with myself.

Ive been telling myself that I'll relapse tomorrow and it ends up in a binge (1,000+kcal) and i end up having anxiety attacks at night and also lots of self hate and regret. I cant do this anymore, im literally at my lowest, and it doesnt help that my arthitis its getting worse, it makes me depressed and makes me wanting to eat everything.

Tomorrow im going to the hospital and i already know my weight (48.4kg, probably gained this week), and to see myself in the mirrow and seeing a big difference in my face, i hate it, even more than before...

I am very upset and angry with myself because ive lost all my progress because of me. I feel lost and done with everything but mostly myself and my actions. This week when my mom started talking about plans that involved food, i knew i was gonna fail restriction, and to be fair i was planing to restrict by october so i was kinda ready to eat everything... i logged everythin i ate and then regret eating, even yesterday i was doing great but im always losing self control these days and i dont know why i cant fight it..

Today i didnt even bothered to do a low cal breakfast, i knew that i wanted some shitty cookies and i just grabbed them and ate them, i just cant control myself now, what is wrong with me??? I dont want to recover, it looks like it but im at my lowest right now, i dont want to gain more and more weight...

Since its difficult for me to walk right now, im just going to restrict as much as i can... i dont care about my mom finding out or if it means I'll have to purge, i want to lose weight, i need to lose weight.

If anyone reading this (which i dont expect, im just venting) i am going to spam my thoughts when i feel like binging, food or whatever shitty thought i have. I hope this makes me feel better about my restriction, worse about my binging and idk what else, but to keep myself acountable...

Whoever reads this... just tell me to kms and to starve, i need that type of inspo rn...

I'll keep updating in this boring ass blog.

See ya.

-Maruu